Bathroom Reader

Issue 1
Welcome to the SlaughterWhat are you going to do?

The Jumpers

A word from Jim: Tits Thank you very much for your time.

I had a table of contents here, but it seems silly when not in print, and since my alignments got all screwded. Meh, bite me.

This Jumpers publication is pretty much OK to copy from, but we would obviously prefer for you to credit the group and authors if you decide to use any material. Because of the nature of the group, much of the material is copyrighted property of Bungie Studios, 1991-2006, and used without permission, without intent of profit or pissing those guys off. This magazine is intended for entertainment only, and therefore you cant sue us if you do something stupid after reading it.

The Jumpers Bathroom Reader Volume 1 Issue 1 Standard Contact Info: e-Mail to gamejunkiejim@yahoo.com for any gripes, bitching, or general complaints, and I'll ignore you at my earliest convenience.

Welcome to Issue Numbah One!

This inaugural issue is a small taste of things to come. We are looking for contributions of any kind. With the exception of this issue, I expect the newsletter to average 12-16 pages. Poetry, editorials, art, gameplay tips or just plain goofy shit. Whatever you want to contribute. I cant guarantee it will all be in, but most of it should be.

Halo-ween Gametype for Halo 2

Designate one person to be it. He must have some spooky music, and be able to loop it. Halloween Soundtrack is best. (Michael Myers) The other people cannot attack the person who is it unless they are the last survivor, and then only with the pistol. The monster uses the Sword. Motion Tracker off, the only indicator of the monsters approach will be the increase in volume from the music. 2 teams. No weapons, nades, or emplacements on map. One life each.

Send contributions via email to gamejunkiejim@yahoo.com

Or via snail mail to James Triche 24 State Street Apt. C Elmer, NJ 08318

I am dumd Jophus1
Our next newsletter may even have news in it. Fancy that!

Bungie Trivia Crossword

ACROSS
3 A band on the Techno Marathon Soundtrack, or Jim's only vice. 5 The most famous non-prize Halo LAN, alas no more. 6 Repository of Bungie Faithful 7 Marty's first million, strong, and 10 Frankies icon. 12 Core hemorrhage, makes angry

<CrowbarUser0032> it's not easy being an idiot <Blackeyed> Word.

13 Marty Oh Dee's first video game soundtrack wasn't for Bungie, it was on this game. 14 Was caught leaking a beta and imprisoned.

- From #moap IRC

DOWN
1 Myth firebug. 2 Freebie here- ____Column 4 Another band on the Techno Marathon Album, probably one of impurity's vices (or not) 8 We finding its head 9 Bungie founder 11 Sated for 15 years

Hulk Hogan is truly amazing if he rips off his T-Shirt, hes fucking invincible!!! JAY132 on XBL

Bungie

Manifesto

The Jumpers Audubon Society On Noobs

Identification Guide
We here at J.A.S.O.N. understand that some of the more savvy members of the group will take much of this information as common sense value; however some less so may need a guide, to help identify the noob in the wild, and formulate a strategy to avoid these bothersome in-duh-viduals.

The Pansy: A general pussy, these noobs enjoy camping on their flag locations and inspecting scenery. Dont ask them to help with an assault; they dont know how to be physically offensive. These noobs can be dealt with most efficiently if the host boots them, but its much more rewarding to taunt them until they cry and quit. The Salmon: It appears that an unknown cosmic force draws them to the same exact location every time they play. Theyre a harmless nuisance, and due to their predictability, can actually work in your favor as a decoy. The Coward: These noobs are hard to spot initially, because they tend to appear as normal players for the first few minutes. Once a situation gets tense, however, they tend to want to revert into a Pansy Noob mode. The Coward is most easily identified by an odd scattered panicky retreat if theyre accidentally hit with long distance small arms fire.

If you recognize your own behaviour patterns herein, its not too late! Change your wayward ways before action is taken! Without further ado:

The Lex Luthor: He will spend upwards of 3 minutes of a 5 minute match to work out an extremely complex, detailed plan that is 99% foolproof, only to be thwarted when the other team comes in the back while hes busy orating, thereby rendering his plan useless. The Donut: This is the noob that defies all odds, getting unscathed into the enemies territory, retrieving the flag, and getting lost on the way back to the base. The Wheelman: They insist on driving the passenger vehicles, but the skills are severely lacking. More often than not, their driving results in rollovers and more damage to his vehicle and teammates than to anything else. The Statue: This noob makes it all the way into the enemy base, and freezes, apparently trusting in the enemys poor eyesight. One theory is that the noob has a Jurassic Park complex, and the vicious enemy is likened to the T-Rex, and will not be able to see him if he does not move. a.k.a. The Deer-In-Headlights Noob

The Invincible Noob: This fellow is truly gungho. He will march in file directly towards the enemy, apparently fearing nothing. The working theory is that the noob feels that bullets will bounce off of him, a la Superman, unfortunately for the noob, Invincible is a name only. The General: This noob gives nonsensical orders that are vague at best, and suicidal at worst. Some examples of speech are: Drive me! (Where?), Grab the Flag (Duh!) and the ever popular Hes over there!

The Ray Charles: Well he looks good, but the only excuse for that kind of aim is if he were blind. The kills he does get are generally accidental, and half the time they are TKs. The Ray Charles often is a mere aspect of the following two noob-types: The Lee Harvey Oswald: This son-of-a-batch-of-cookies simply MUST have a Sniper Rifle. He will often camp over the spawn point for the weapon, refusing to do anything until he has it. If he cannot have the weapon he will either quit, or evolve into: The Benedict Arnold/Guy Fawkes: This noob will actively TK people in order to obtain the weapon they are using, commonly a sniper rifle. What a dick.

*They are pack animals, and often exhibit a herd mentality. Watch for others. *They are quick to panic and can be unpredictable and dangerous when cornered. Keep current on all your shots. *Oftentimes they will use a vernacular dubbed Leetspeke; this should be ignored at all costs, lest it negatively affect your intelligence.

If one has the option, it is always expedient to boot a noob from a game when the opportunity presents itself, but its usually much more fun to counterattack with taunts and insults to the ego. Not only will they quit of their own volition, you have the satisfaction of making them cry themselves to sleep. Unfortunately, the noob is in no danger of joining the world endangered species list, so feel free to dispose of them in any way you see fit once you have properly identified one. Its okay, theyre always in season. -Jim

The Invincible Noobs Self Perception There are general guidelines to keep in mind for dealing with noobs:

The final three are grouped together because they often overlap in style

Final Words
Well, that was the first issue of the newsletter, which, ironically, neither was a letter nor filled with news. A prelude of the future for the Jumpers: a further organization of our members, friends and allies, an expansion of our online community (Bungie.net group, and the rest of Bungie.net) A big integration of Jumper Groups, and a bigger presence on Bungie.net sharing and making things a little nicer for everyone. We have Gandhi 2 on Myth Jumpers, we have BobBQ on Marathon Jumpers, and we've got Josher on Halo Jumpers. Lot of shit to do. As you all know, weve had a share of great times and horrid times. This Newsletter is dedicated to an idea, of a more friendly Bungie.net, and to the people of Bungie.net themselves.

Make sure your ankle straps tight! Jim

You Suck Jim!-V Your mom taught me everything I know.-J Dude my moms sitting right next to me.-V Ha! -Everyone Jim and Vash on XBL
Crossword Answer Key (Dirty cheater!)
Across: 3-Tobacco 5-Wu 6-Septagon 7-FlintstonesKids 10-MisterChief 12-Tycho 13-Riven 14-DisembodiedSoul Down: 1-Dwarf 2-Seventh 4-CannibalWhoreFeast 8-LingLing 9-Seropian 11-YourMom