We all know the song, but what would it all cost?

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4/21/11 10:43 AM

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We all know the song, but what would it all cost?

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Posted: Friday, December 22, 2000 10:00 pm | Updated: 11:12 am, Fri Aug 7, 2009. Jana Saastad/News-Sentinel staff writer | 0 comments

"The Twelve Days of Christmas," a song second in popularity only to "Happy Birthday," tells the story of a young, and soon to be gifted, benefactress whose "true love" burdens her with unusual, if not inconvenient, items. For example, on the sixth day she receives six geese a-laying. What if she lives in an apartment? What if she's allergic to birds? Who'll tend to the goslings when they hatch? Nine ladies dancing are the gift du jour on the ninth day. While this concept would work brilliantly in a Michael Jackson video, there's a great potential for problems in reality. What if one of the dancers breaks an ankle? Will the object of affection's homeowner's insurance cover the malady? Are they union dancers? Does she tip them? More importantly, who's going to call them a cab when they've finished their routine? Those are just two examples of the 12 gifts bizarro. It only gets worse. By time the song ends (and it really does drone on far, far too long), the poor girl is the reluctant owner of a heavily populated aviary, not to mention an army of maids milking messy, stinky cows, lords a-leaping - no doubt into the china cabinet - and 23 musicians

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We all know the song, but what would it all cost? - Lodi News-Sentinel: Home

4/21/11 10:43 AM

messy, stinky cows, lords a-leaping - no doubt into the china cabinet - and 23 musicians either piping or drumming, but nonetheless creating a cacophony. Well, there goes the neighborhood, but here come the police, the lawsuits, the court dates and the eviction notice. The song, masked by a cheery melody and often sung by precious cherubs with Kathy Lee Gifford-like zeal, really is far more complicated than it appears. But complication and psychosis aside, the curious minds at the News-Sentinel wondered just what is the sum total of these odd gifts and are they available locally for purchase? Monetarily, the gifts are going to set the gift-giver back about $39,800; and yes, most of the 12 gifts are available here in San Joaquin County (the Colly birds are not available anywhere - being creatures of the wild, it's illegal to own them). But wait! There's more. The repetitive song implies the gift bestowed on the previous day is given yet again on the next day, thus creating a cumulative effect. To wit: "On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree." The poor girl, therefore, finally gets 12 partridges in 12 pear trees, not to mention 22 turtledoves, 30 French hens, 36 Colly birds and so on. The sum of all that madness costs in the neighborhood of $73,700, or the cost of a shiny, red, 2001 Corvette. The Corvette would suffice, or at this point, even a box of See's candy and a terry cloth robe from Sears. While the object of one man's obsession with love is having a nervous breakdown, we boldly offer a breakdown of the song. The number following the gift represents how many days the giftee would receive the gift. Partridge in pear tree (12 days) Finding a pear tree smack-dab in the middle of a fertile valley is no problem. The Garden Shoppe in Lodi sells Barlett, bosc and Asian pear trees in 5-gallon containers for $26.99. The trees will bear a "few pieces" of fruit in the 2001 season and plenty thereafter. She will have to buy a shovel and some fertilizer to plant the trees, but the possibilities for the pears is endless: Pear jam, glazed pears, pear wine. Or, more likely, she could just use the shovel for burying her soon-to-be-dead obsessive gift giver. As for the partridge, that's a little more difficult. We thought Keith, Danny or Lori might be available, but none of the former members of the '70s singing sensation returned calls. So, the bird will have to do. The partridge, a small game bird, runs $20 apiece and is available at Cuddly Critters in Iowa. However, the bird can only be shipped during warm weather (that's $25 extra each for shipping and handling). Two turtle doves (11 days) Newhall's, The Place For Birds, which is located in Acampo, sells the cute little love birds for $8 apiece. Turtle doves, or mourning doves, make beautiful sounds sort of like an owl. Who needs an alarm clock when you have two precious doves willing to wake you every
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Vote for your favorite statue

Ten statues, created by Seward Johnson, are now on display in Downtown Lodi on School Street. The statues, which depict everyday activities such as walking a dog, buying groceries and reading to a child, will be on display through July 15. Take a look at our photos of the 10 statues and vote on your favorite in the poll.

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We all know the song, but what would it all cost? - Lodi News-Sentinel: Home

4/21/11 10:43 AM

morning before sunrise? Once a dove has become "domesticated," it will become dependent ever after, like children. This might be the time to remember that wise old saying "for every bird there is a tasty recipe." Crock pot dove pairs well with a white wine, perhaps of the Rhone variety? Three French hens (10 days ) French hens are not available in Lodi - not even Vichy. Murray McMurray Hatchery in Webster City, Iowa, sells the hen chicks for $1.85 for the first 10 or $1.78 for orders over 24. Shipping is around $10 for groups of 10. French hens (also known as Favorelles, La Fleche, Marans and Crevecoeurs) have the unique ability to lay eggs during the winter months that are chocolate brown in color, and are reputed to be James Bond's breakfast favorites. They also make tasty frying hens. This is the one gift that might keep the gift recipient in food well into the winter months. Four Colly birds (9 days ) Just what is a Colly bird (or calling bird)? A blackbird. A plain old blackbird, which is a departure from the romance of the turtledoves, but who said there was reason to this rhyme? However, as previously mentioned, ownership of the bird is strictly prohibited by Department of Fish and Game. But we won't be defeated. Instead, we gifted our giftee with a recording of John Coltrane's "Bye Bye Blackbird"; the Beatles' "Blackbird"; Elizabeth George Speare's novel, "The Witch of Blackbird Pond"; and "Down Came a Blackbird," a movie starring Raul Julia and Laura Dern. On the remaining eight days, we'll give her more blackbird-inspired memorabilia - a model of the SR-71 "blackbird" supersonic jet plane, a blackbird wind chime, stuffed toy, etc. Five golden rings (8 days ) This gift actually falls within the realm of "normal." It's small, it's useful and it has great trade-in value. And what woman can resist gold? But five rings in one day and then 40 by time the deluge is complete? Slightly extreme, don't you think? Anyway, Danz Jewelry in Lodi can fulfill the request. The rings (14-karat gold only) run the gamut from $50 to $400. We chose top-of-the-line designs to make up for the blackbird fiasco. Six geese a-laying (7 days ) Again we go back to our friends at Newhall's. The birds are $15 each, but if the giftee happens to land the goose who laid the golden egg, the bird will actually become quite a money maker and then she won't be as mad about all the mess the geese make - not to mention the ceaseless squawking. Seven swans a-swimming (6 days ) We're keeping Newhall's busy, because again it is the purveyor for this strange request. The graceful swans cost a whopping $375 each, on average, said owner Dean Newhall. Of course, that's doesn't include the cost of building a large cement pond and planting foliage to make the whole scene seem real - those items are another $20,000. However, in a real financial squeeze, there is always Lodi Lake. Eight maids a-milking (5 days ) Beverly Powell, manager of Merry Maids in Lodi said she hasn't hired her maids to milk
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We all know the song, but what would it all cost? - Lodi News-Sentinel: Home

4/21/11 10:43 AM

cows - ever! But, given the spirit of the season, Powell would offer two maids at $65 an hour, but she couldn't guarantee top-notch hand-milking skills. The Merry Maids do clean windows, though, possibly making this gift the most efficient of them all. The cows are the expensive part of this scenario: $1,500 a head, according to Cattlemen's Livestock Market of Galt. The owner of the livestock business wondered why in the world anyone would hand-milk a cow in today's high-tech society. Even Third World countries use some sort of machinery. We assured him it was for the sake of the rhyme, and that efficiency had nothing at all to do with our request. Nine ladies dancing (4 days ) We went with burlesque dancing girls. What the heck, it's Christmas after all. And frankly, the ballerinas are pooped out from the all "The Nutcracker" demands. The owner at Masquerades in Sacramento thought it was a fairly kinky request, but didn't skip a beat in reciting the "$75 each, with their clothes on" price quote. And yes, it would be nice to tip them; they have Christmas presents to buy, too. 10 lords a-leaping (3 days) San Joaquin County, and every other county in the region, is fresh out of lords and the Assembly is on break, so we called the dancers at Ballet San Joaquin. Director Dorothy Percival said the request is "no problem"; however, gathering 10 men would be the difficult part - we would have to give advance notice (again, "Nutcracker" burn-out). There is, however no charge for their service. To complete the project, the would-be lords need costumes - something befitting a crusty old English lord. Not one costume shop had that many lord costumes (lords really aren't popular, like, say, Barney or Batman). We could rent the necessary 10 costumes from shops all over Sacramento and Stockton at an average of $50 each. The powdered wigs cost $55 each at Capitol City Costumes in Sacramento. 11 pipers piping (2 days) The type of pipes used is open to interpretation. The song dates back to 16th-century England, thus the pipes in the author's mind were probably the old pan pipes, now only used by bands somewhere in the Amazon basin. We're using bagpipes for convenience sake. Harvey Addie of the Stockton Musician's Union said they're available for $35 each for a 30minute set. Imagine the joy in the gift receiver's heart after hearing a half hour of "Jingle Bell Rock" and other seasonal ditties from the bagpipers. The pipers will no doubt play "Amazing Grace" at the ardent lover's impending funeral. 12 drummers (1 day) Come, we told them (pa-rumpa-pum-pum) and they said "Yes." But it'll cost $250 for a 20minute performance. The 12 drummers were gleaned from the Lodi High School marching band, playing snare, bass and timbales - loud! As talented and delightful as these energetic teen-agers are, a cadence or two will probably be the last salvo of the gift giving barrage. This is where the giftee goes nuts, is found banging her head against all 12 pear trees to the rhythm, never missing a beat. This is the moment where the birds are set free and the poor girl runs off with the dancers, changes her name and is never seen again.

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We all know the song, but what would it all cost? - Lodi News-Sentinel: Home

4/21/11 10:43 AM

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Posted on Friday, December 22, 2000 10:00 pm. Updated: 11:12 am.

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We all know the song, but what would it all cost? - Lodi News-Sentinel: Home

4/21/11 10:43 AM

Pictures of Will & Kate ... upcoming wedding!

My husband and I recently returned from Tanzania, Africa (teaching at a Bible Seminary). On our way home we stopped in London, 1 month prior to Will and Kate's big day. We took their famous post-card all around London, where many preparations were being made for the wedding and public viewing. Jake and Alison McGregor

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