ssay: Discussing a move into care with parents capable of making their own decis ions By Peter Silin,

Special to The Province October 21, 2011 0 Story Photos ( 1 ) Peter Silin has worked professionally for 30 years in all areas of aging, caregi ving and seniors housing. He has been a national eldercare consultant and keynot e speaker around North America. Mr. Silin is the Principal of Diamond Geriatrics , an eldercare consulting firm providing case management, counselling, consultat ion on seniors housing, advocacy, and mediation. Peter mangiola Rn has worked professionally for 30 years in all areas of aging, caregiving and seniors housing. He has been a national eldercare consultant and keynote speaker around North America. Surveys indicate over 90 per cent their own homes. Often, however, nts may be better off in seniors t difficult conversations you can of seniors say they wish to end their lives in adult children come to believe that their pare housing. Broaching the subject is one of the mos have.

It is common for people to feel anxious about talking to parents about the futur e. It acknowledges that parents are aging, and will eventually die; it is someth ing you may not want to face, and engenders grief. This conversation may cross u nspoken family boundaries. It is a point at which a child starts to care for par ents, and not the other way around. Part of your fear may be about the reaction of your parents when you do bring up the subject. Talking with your parents about housing will not be one conversation, but rather a series of conversations over time, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. You are discussing a major life transition which is frightening. The decision is diffic ult and takes time. They will have to grapple with the (mistaken) belief that th ey are giving up their independence. They will have to grieve for the home they have now, and prepare themselves for what will come. They may be afraid that thi s is the end of the line. Be very clear with yourself about why you are bringing the subject up. Remember that your parents are adults, and they have the right to live at risk and to tak e risks. If they understand the risks and the potential consequences, you may ha ve to back off and learn to handle your anxiety in a way that does not overstep their rights. Do some groundwork before you have a talk with your parents. It will help make t he conversation successful. Learn as much as you can about the types of both pub lic and private housing available in your area. Visit some of them on your own a nd learn about admission and discharge processes. This will help you allay your parents fears about what seniors housing is like, ideas they may have developed 20 years ago when they faced the issue with their own parents. Learn about options for making living at home a viable alternative. Dont wait until the issue becomes a crisis. A discussion about housing is easiest when it is about what may be needed in the future. You need the time to discuss

and to plan. If you have siblings, discuss with them who is the right person to bring the sub ject up and how to do it together. Consider if the subject should be approached first by the family physician. It may help to have a consultation with an elderc are consultant or even to have a meeting with the consultant and your parents. Begin by choosing a time which is good for everyone. Start off by saying somethi ng like, There is something I need to talk to you about, and go from there. Let th em know it is a conversation, and not an opening salvo in a war to take over con trol. You are there to support them, but also to share your concerns. You are pr oblem-solving together. People react differently to their children bringing up the subject of their futu re. Usually the subject is something they have thought about or spoken about wit h their spouse or friends. Hearing it from you may make them defensive, or it ma y be a relief. They may tell you not to worry about it. If the reaction is anger , remember that behind anger is often fear. Allow them to have the fear and thei r reactions. Be prepared to listen, as well as to speak. Find out what they have been thinkin g and what they know about seniors housing. Learn about their fears, and what hol ds them back. For many people, the thought that comes to mind is, How will I ever get rid of all this stuff? You can talk about doing it gradually or introduce downsizing companies that spe cialize in work with seniors. You also might want to suggest visiting different housing with your parents for a lunch and a tour. They may find something very d ifferent from what was in their mind. You can be persistent, but gentle. You can always say, OK, lets talk more about this some other time. .