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Doctor Who (2005+) Transcripts >> "Time Crash"

INT. TARDIS MARTHA I'll see you again, mister.

The doctor smiles and Martha leaves the TARDIS as in Last of the Time Lords. He leans against the console for a moment then pulls the "hand brake" and the TARDIS spins out of control. Alarms blare. After a moment he manages to fiddle some controls on the console and things settle down.
TEN Stop it! What was all that about, eh? Eh? What's your problem? FIVE Right, just settle down now.

They bump into each other, both working at the console.

TEN Excuse me. FIVE So sorry.

They step around each other and continue fiddling with the console for a moment then suddenly they look at each other
TEN What? FIVE What? TEN What?

{OPENING CREDITS}

INT. TARDIS (CONT'D) FIVE Who are you? TEN Oh, brilliant! I mean, totally wrong, big emergency, universe goes bang in five minutes but... brilliant! FIVE I'm the Doctor, who are you? TEN Yes, you are! You are the doctor. FIVE Yes, I am. I'm the doctor. TEN Oh, good for you, Doctor. Good for brilliant old you. FIVE Is there something wrong with you? TEN Oh there it goes! The frowny face, I remember that one!

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(he grabs FIVE's face in both his hands and squishes his cheeks around.)
Mind you, bit saggier than it ought to be, hair's a bit grayer. That's because of me, though, the two of us together has shorted out the time differential, should all snap back in place when we get you back home. Be able to close that coat again. But never mind that! Look at you! The hat, the coat, the crickety cricket stuff the... stick of celery, yeah. Brave choice celery, but fair play to you - not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable. FIVE Shut up! There is something wrong with my TARDIS and I've got to do something about it very, very quickly, and it would help, it really would help, if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about everything that happens to be in front of him! TEN Oh. Okay. Sorry, Doctor. FIVE Thank you.

FIVE turns to the TARDIS console.

TEN Oh! The back of my head! FIVE What? TEN Sorry, Sorry, not something you see ever day, is it, the back of your own head. Mind you, I see why you wear a hat. I don't want to seem vain, but could you keep that on? FIVE What have you done to my TARDIS? You've changed the desktop theme... what is this one then, coral? TEN Well... FIVE It's worse than the leopard skin.

FIVE pulls out a pair of half moon glasses.

TEN Oohhh! There they come! The brainy specs! You don't even need them, you just think they make you look a bit clever.

An alarm sounds.
FIVE That's an alert. Level five. Indicates a temporal collision. It's like two TARDISes have merged, but there's definitely only one TARDIS present. Looks like two time zones at war in the heart of the TARDIS. That's a paradox. Could blow a hole in the space time continuum the size of...

TEN nonchalantly pushes the monitor on the console

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around for FIVE to look at.

FIVE ...Well, actually, the exact size of Belgium. That's a bit undramatic, isn't? Belgium?

TEN pulls out the sonic screwdriver.

TEN Need this? FIVE No, I'm fine. TEN Oh no, of course, you mostly went hands free didn't you? It's like 'hey, I'm the doctor, I can save the universe with a kettle and some string, and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable!"

FIVE approaches TEN and looks him in the eye.

FIVE Who are you? TEN Take a look. FIVE Oh... oh no. TEN Oh yes. FIVE You're... oh no, you're TEN Here it comes, yep, yep I am. FIVE A fan!

He looks disgusted and returns to the TARDIS console as it begins beeping again.
TEN Yep!

(realizes what FIVE said)

What? FIVE Level ten now. This is bad. Two minutes to Belgium. TEN What do you mean 'a fan'? I'm not just a fan, I'm you! FIVE

(waving him off)

Okay, you're my biggest fan. Look, it's perfectly understandable. I go zooming around space and time saving planets, fighting monsters and being, well, let's be honest, pretty sort of marvelous...

(TEN looks smug)

and naturally every now and then people notice me... start up their little groups. That LINDA lot... are you one of them? How did you get in here?

(he brandishes a finger at TEN)

Can't have you lot knowing where I live. TEN Listen to me, I'm you! I'm you with
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a new face.

(TEN slaps his own cheeks)

Check out this bone structure Doctor, because one day, you're going to be shaving it.

The Cloister Bell sounds.

FIVE The Cloister Bell. TEN Yep, right on time, that's my cue.

Both Doctors jump in to action and begin working at the console

FIVE In less than a minute we're going to detonate a black hole strong enough to swallow the entire universe!

TEN pauses.
TEN Yeah, that's my fault, actually; I was rebuilding the TARDIS; forgot to put the shields back up. Your TARDIS and my TARDIS... well the same TARDIS, different points in its own time steam collided and, oop, there you go, end of the universe, butterfingers. But don't worry, I know exactly how this all works out. Venting the thermal buffer, flooring the Helmic regulator, and just to finish off, lets fry those Zeiton crystals. FIVE

(stops him)
You'll blow up the TARDIS. TEN It's the only way out. FIVE Who told you that? TEN You told me that!

He pulls a lever and the screen goes white. After a shot of the TARDIS flying through time and space we see the Doctors again.
FIVE Supernova and black hole at the exact same instant. TEN Explosion cancels out implosion. FIVE Matter stays constant. TEN

(looks at FIVE)
Brilliant! FIVE Far too brilliant. I've never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that. TEN Sorry, mate, you still haven't. FIVE You didn't have time to work all
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that out, even I couldn't do it. TEN I didn't work it out, I didn't have to. FIVE You remembered. TEN Because you will remember FIVE You remembered being me, watching you, doing that. You already knew what to do because I watched you do it. TEN Wibbley wobbley FIVE and TEN together: Timey whimey!

TEN goes for a high five but finds only air. He has an awkward moment. And then an alarm sounds.
TEN What? TARDISes are separating, sorry, Doctor, time's up, back to long ago... Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan, Cybermen and Mara and Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh he just showed up again, same as ever. FIVE Oh no. Really? Does he still have that rubbish beard? TEN No... no beard this time... well, a wife. FIVE

(looks confused for a moment and then he begins to fade)

Oh, I seem to be off. What can I say? Thank you... Doctor. TEN Thank you. FIVE I'm very welcome.

He fades away completely but TEN flips a switch and brings him back. He picks up FIVE's hat from the console and walks towards him.
TEN You know... I loved being you. Back when I first started, at the very beginning, I was always trying to be old and grumpy and important, like you do when you're young. And then I was you... and it was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted... I still do that! The voice thing, I got that from you. Oh!

(puts his foot on the console)

and the trainers and...

(reaches in his pocket and takes out his glasses and puts them on.)
... snap. 'Cause you know what, Doctor? You were my Doctor.

FIVE tips his hat.

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FIVE To days to come. TEN All my love to long ago.

FIVE fades away but we hear his voice.

FIVE Oh, Doctor, remember to put your shields up.

TEN presses a button, again like in The Last of the Time Lords and we hear the blast of a ships horn as he is sent flying. He sees the ship.
TEN What?

He picks up a life preserver that says "TITANIC".

TEN What? {CLOSING CREDITS}

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