I'm not sure how I arrived there...

through the sickness of losing jessica and my overwhelming misery

apparently i have been driven

I was sitting in my chair, casually drinking and swallowing pills, when suddenly I became overwhelmed with dizziness. Everything blurred; I lost control and fell to my knees.

...I could see a vision of several different people sitting in some faraway place...I also saw myself in that faraway place. I was arguing with them about something...no... I was being yelled at by them. The men were very frank, telling me that I was a fool for making the mistakes I made;

insulting me for ruining it when i had the one girl i shared a deep connection with. A real connection. I fucked her as hard as I loved her.

"...and then you became so boring on the phone and so predictable..."

Blurry~

"you were defensive if she didn't wanna be smothered by you every fucking second...surprise surprise..."

Sick~

"not once could you make her cum...no wonder she wants other guys. another guy she's fucked already made her cum..."

Crying~ [Crying]

I awakened with a drilling headache.

Need more, I thought to myself.

gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp....mmmmm...my painkiller

I didn't go to class yesterday. In fact I didn't leave my house at all. I haven't told him that I got a speeding ticket the last time I saw her, or that my license is suspended from not paying it. I haven't really talked to anyone much lately. Everyone just seems so busy.

gulp gulp gulp...pills....mmmm....swallow swallow swallow......my love

The girls I went to the club with proved to be useless friends. They all cared but apparently had things to do. People get busy and such. I have no real tangible friend here that can hug me when I need it most. Well..that's a lie...i have my drinks and my pills :)

gulp...swallow...gulp...swallow...gulp...swallow...swallow..swallow...swallow..fa--as----

I lost consciousness.

-----------------

I was lying on my back, floating through space. I kept staring at the empty sky. I was crying.

The grim reaper was sitting near me with a grin on her face. She was always beautiful to me, wearing a hood that was a little too big for her. I loved her cute face and blue hair.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore..." she said aimlessly. She was bored.

i gathered the little strength i had....slurring my speech..."Wha you mean u don't...take me! take my lif.....life....pleh...please...take.....my....life...."

"But that's boring, and it's also what you want. You already know the yin yang reversal theory~"

no..."I...eyes...I...b-b...e....g....bbbeg.....use....i..beh..g....you..."

"I know!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands in delight.

"Let's play a game :). If you win, you'll live. If you lose, you'll die. "

She reached into one of the pockets within the Reaper's Cloak.

"this is gonna be fun!!!"

I could hear the sound of...change? I heard it in the distance. The light clanging of change...it somehow possessed me. I was excited!, hoping that I could lose whatever game this was on purpose. I was gradually filling with happiness as I planned to die.

"Okay!!!! Here it is! tee hee hee!" (Jessica used to make such sounds....)

The Reaper pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary coin. She was laughing as she playfully let it roll down her sleeve and spun it around in front of her. The Reaper truly was infinite in power... she had the infinite delight of a child.

"kay, here's the ruleeeess mister!!!" She moved in close and began to whisper in my ea(Shockwave)

"okay????" she asked without really asking.

"heads or tails????"

I grinned. Finally I would be rid of my pain..

"Neither."

"....."

The Reaper seemed intrigued. She also seemed playfully annoyed.

"huh??? you can't do that!!! wait, what do you mean, 'neither'???"

"The coin will land on its side, without falling one way or the other." (IntenseGrin)

"Umm..." she playfully scratched her head.

"hmm....."

"you know, i'm not even sure what the rules say about that...hmmmmmmm"

.........

"well, i guess it's okay... but do you know how small the chances are that would happen? it's like one in 8 Bazillion!!!!"

She raised her hand to flip the coin... but then looked at me and hesitated. I could feel the cold warmth as she gently gripped my shoulde- (Suffocating)

"sure you don't want to try one of the other 50/50 options??!"

---

I paused.......smiled...........breathed deep.................and closed my eyes.

"Neither," I repeated.

The Reaper seemed to shake her head as though she had just seen a gambler randomly bet his life-savings on 8 Red or 14 Black.

"umm ok then....it is your choice i guess...even if it's a really weird crazy one." (Familiar)

.....

In its galliant glow I icily watched with deep delight as a quarter quickly fell forever closer; crashing rapidly; reviving my most underrated [unused] sense; sheer happiness.

It was a welcomed courier, tasked to deliver my approaching end. It rolled... it spun... it seemed like lightning at play. But then the worst happened in the worst way. The black cat of fate was not my friend. "No!" I cried in a frustrated voice. "Wowww!" she gasped with great rejoice.

......

The coin had landed on it's side.

-------------------------------------------------------

Footnote:

**[the yin yang reversal theory: when you acknowledge a deep intrinsic desire for something -you want-... it often sets the stage for disappointment and pain. In other words, when you are close to obtaining something you deeply desire-- and because you so desperately desire it-- you are prone to behaving differently than you normally would (as compared to if you "did not care" about the outcome). This different [desperate] behavior almost always leads to failure in obtaining that deep desire... which may have been achieved if you had "not cared" about the outcome.

The theme of the theory is thus:

Only by tricking yourself into believing you do not want something.... something that [at your core] you truly do desire... can you aquire what you want.]**

(this is my theory)

--------------------^ Question: "How do you trick yourself into believing something that, at your core, you know isn't true?"

Answer: "The hell if I know."