it is my sinsere hope that the previous chapters have created whithin you a greater awareness of the most overlooked

causes of unhappiness in children. I am now going to shift the focus of discussion to rasing a happy child. Here I will emphasize those emetional needs that must be nurtured in order for a child to be well adusted and happy. I hope to provide parents with: - a simple, easy-to-follow strategy for parenting welladjusted,happy children - a checkilist of characteristics a family must have in order to parent a happy child - seventeen powerfull parenting guidelines for becoming a more effective parents Generally speaking, unhappy children display a varietyof behaviors that make the m difficult to live with. Unhappy children: 225 the unhappy child -are often poor sport -cry easily -pout frequently -whine -rarely smile or laugh -complain a lot -are unicooperative -are defiant -are not desired by other children -have behavior problems in scool -are disrespectfull -are pessimistic -are not tusting -are reluctant to try new thigs -are not very thoughtful -are emotionally distant Man unhappy children are really not a pleasure to parents. Some tug at our heartstrings. I renember a little seven-years-old boy at the University of Michigan Fresh Air Camp. I was his cam counselor day one. Hes name was Ivy Lea. Ivy attached himself to me from day one. He used to come up to me and say: "You Know, I bet if we went into Ann Arbor, everybody would thinks you were my daddy". I agreed whith Ivy even though he was black and I was write. One day I grave Ivy a photograph of himself as gift. I loved takind pictures of the kids and giving out copies. In no way was I prepared for what happened when I gave Ivy his photo. Ivy became hysterical. He fell to the ground in a rage, sobbing painfull y. We couldn't console him for about an hour. 226

What Makes A Child Happy Later that day, Dave Winemam who pioneered the camp, explained to me what happened. He said: "Ken, Ivy had a fantasy that you were the dad he craved to have. Wen you showed him your photograph, it tore his fantasy apart. He was confronted

with the reality that he was black and you could not be his dad.All the hurt and anger locked up inside of Ivy from being fatherless exploded and overwhelmed him." It has been forty-six years since I have seen Ivy. I still tear up when I renember this unhappy chil. Since that day, I can spot fatherless children almost immediately just by the way they follow me around. Happy children have very diferent characteritics and generally are enjoyable to be around. Children who are happy. -smile a lot, act silly, and make jokes -cooperate with parents and teachers -make good companions -are playful and love to use their imaginations -show affections spontaneously -are enthusiastic about life -trust others -are caring and thoughtful -enjoy their frienchips -develop a passion for diferents activities -explore their world 227 The Unhappy Child -play pretend games -act confident -love adventures A happy child is a well-adjunted child, one who is a pleasure to parent. What steps can parents take to ensure that their child will be well adjusted and happy? You have alredy taken a very inportant step by reading this book. Here you have learned what esperiences and situations are toxic to children, thus causing them to become unhappy. The next step is to become more aware about a child's world and what must go on in this world for the child to grow up feeling good about himself and prepared to interact with others in constructive ways. What follows is a simple strategy for monitoring the life of a child. With this strategy parents will be able to assess how their child's life is progressing and, when necessary, to intervene to bring their child's life back into balance. A child's world is made up of three parts: -family -school -friends If you want to discover what is making a child unhappy, you must seach for probrems in each of these areas. Likewise, if you want to learn what makes a child happy, you must know the child to be emotionally healthy and happy. 228

What Makes A Child Happy EXPERIENCES ESSENTIAL TO A CHILD'S MENTAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS Family Every child needs a family with at least one adoring adult, who will be that child's mentor, advocaste, and cheerleader in life. When children fell desired, wanted, and inportant withing their family, they havew the emotional foundarions nesesary for learnig all the lessons they need to learn about leading a meanigful and susc cessful life. -Children feel happy when they feel conected and loved withing the families. That is why hugs, kisses, being held, snuggling, and expressions of " I love you" are do inportant to children. -Children feel happy when their parents teach them to do thing they couldn't do before. this makes young-sters happy because children love to feel more grown up than learning new skills and becoming more grown up, competent, and independent wit ch the help of a parent he or she looks ups to and admires. -Children sre happy when their feeling are not hurt unnecessarily by words their parents choose to correct them. Instead of hearing "you are slob",they hear "you room is a mess and needs to be cleaned". Instead of hearing "you are lazy", they hear "you haven't done your chores yet". Paarents are teachers, and good teachers teach childrens without sarcasm, insults, name-calling, and words that make a child think and feel unworthy. 229 The Unhapy Child -Children are happy when their family plays together and makes time for fun.Sledding, bowling, familymavie nigth, games, fliying kites, picnics, bike rides, swimming, and camping are just a few activities children love to to whith their family. -Children are happy when they can enjoy close relationships with relatives like grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces, and godparents. -children are happy when their parents inspire and encourage them to try new things. Children feel especially happy when they sence that their parents have confidence in their ability to meet new chanllenges. -children are happy when they see their parents showing affection to each other. A big part of every child's world is his family. A good family experience provides a child with the energy, stamina, and

emotional foundations to strive to be bigger, better, and grown up. School Children constantly go back and forth between home and school throughout their childhood and teen years. However, children actually spend more waking hours in school than they do at home. So, for a child to be happy, school must be a positive experience. -Children are happy when they are liked by other children and have friends in school. 230 What Makes A Child Happy Children are happy when they are learning, passing tests, getting good grades, and have their projects displayed in school. -children are happy when their parents take an interest in their schooling, visit they classroom, know their teacher, and come to school events. -Children are happy when the self-discipline they learned at home helps them to succeed in school. Self-disciplined children can make themselves work when they dont't feel like working and will follow rules when they don't always feel like following rules. Friends Family and school are botch inportant, but a child without friends will not grow. A child without friends is like a bird without wings. Friendships are crucial if childrens are to develop confidence, emetional maturity, and a connectedness to others. -hildren are happy when they are able to succeed at making and keeping friends. -Children are happy when they can have friends visit their home to play and can sleep over at friends'houses. -Children are happy when they know they are desired as playmates by others childrens. -Children are happy when they have a variety of interests and skills so that friends find them interesting rather than boring. -Children are happy when they have the social confidence 231 The Unhappy Child confidence to follow rules while playing games and to tolerate not always being first and not always being the

winner. -Fiends are inportant, but children always feel especially happy when they have a best friends. Best friends offer children a special kind of companionship where trust and support are honored. Families, school, and friends