[]reddityukeepmeup 1253 points 4 hours ago (1998|723)

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Smokes35 [+1] 1210 points 6 hours ago (1937|714)

A polar bear walks into a bar, sits down and order a "Bicardi and................................................ cola" Bartender asks, whats with the huge pause??? Polar Bear says "These? Born with'em...."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Hey_Im_Joe 1182 points 4 hours ago (1885|688)

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
permalink report source save reply show child comments []88magnum 753 points 6 hours ago (1041|285)

A man sits down at a bar and says to the bartender: "I bet you 300 dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said: "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you 300 dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, the bottles, the floor and the bartender, not

making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts laughing and says: "You fucking idiot! You owe me 300 dollars!" The man gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar laughing, sits down and hands the bartender the $300 dollars. The bartender asks: "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said: "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and not only would you not be mad, you'd be happy about it."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []LindsayM43093 753 points 6 hours ago (1012|244)

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school. -Bison.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []pistolpaolo 664 points 6 hours ago (925|251)

What did batman say to robin before they got into the car? Robin! Get in the car!
permalink report source save reply show child comments []nazguel3536 615 points 6 hours ago* (809|178)

My favorite knock knock joke from The Office. 'Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "The KGB" "The KGB wh--" SLAP "We are the ones asking the questions!"
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 report source save reply show child comments []the_cunning_stunts 613 points 4 hours ago (797|167)

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave because they realize the potential danger of the situation.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Supersimmo 578 points 6 hours ago (766|171)

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they want. The first whale replies: WOOOOOOWWWWWW WOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA WOOOOO The second whale says: "Frank, you're drunk". Shamelessly stolen from another Reddit joke thread
permalink report source save reply show child comments []mainstreaminghipster 578 points 6 hours ago (771|186)

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,

plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"
permalink report source save reply show child comments []reddityukeepmeup 518 points 4 hours ago (661|128)

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []neveez 502 points 6 hours ago (638|131)

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

permalink report source save reply show child comments []ay23j 482 points 5 hours ago (615|122) permalink report source save reply show child comments []Lionhearted09 449 points 6 hours ago (553|99)

What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair

Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
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 source save reply show child comments []PandaGoggles 447 points 4 hours ago (546|89)

Why does Santa have such a large sack? Because he only comes once a year! Kids love that joke
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Killadelphian 401 points 6 hours ago (484|81)

What did one tampon say to the other? nothing, they were both stuck up bitches
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Horseballs 366 points 4 hours ago (464|94)

Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []askawaythrowaway 342 points 6 hours ago (438|85)

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." XD
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 reply show child comments []cyaspy 290 points 6 hours ago (362|70)

My favorite one-liner: 3 musicians and a drummer walk into an elevator.

permalink report source save reply show child comments []TheReginator 252 points 5 hours ago (310|51)

This one is awful, but everyone always asks me to tell it. A man is walking to work one day when he sees a girl with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench crying. "Why are you crying?" he says. "Well," she says, "I've never been hugged." So the man picks her up and hugs her and then goes to work. The next day, the man is going to work again and the same girl is sitting there crying. "Why are you crying now?" "Well, I've never been kissed." So he picks her up and kisses her and goes to work. The next day, she's still there crying. "Why are you crying now?" "Well, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up and throws her in the middle of the street and says "Well, now you're fucked."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Oafah 248 points 6 hours ago (311|61)

Rabbi, priest, monk on a sinking ship. Monk says "Save the children!" Rabbi says "Fuck the children!" Priest says "Do you think we have time?"
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 reply show child comments []Thousands_of_Spiders 242 points 5 hours ago (288|40)

Why does Ben Roethlisberger cry when he's having sex? The pepper spray.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []GarlandGreen 237 points 4 hours ago (294|44)

A guy walks into a bar, orders six jgermeister shots. The bartender asks him if it's a special occation? The guy answers "yes indeed, my very first blowjob". The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house". The guy answers "Nah, if six jger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".
permalink report source save reply show child comments []aworldwithoutshrimp 240 points 5 hours ago (291|47)

A magician was walking down the street, then he turned into a grocery store.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []darbycrash 235 points 6 hours ago (290|53)

Baby seal walks into a club.

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[]copinglemon 237 points 4 hours ago (293|50)

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []rydain 198 points 6 hours ago (252|50)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing Saran wrap pants. The doctor says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks him "Doesn't that wheel bother you?" The pirate replies "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!" Disclaimer: These may not be good jokes, depending on your definition.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []cobaltcollapse 192 points 5 hours ago (232|39)

Not mine, but a coworkers. My two lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday. They misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch." He's been telling this since Christmas.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Lord_Bumberchute 158 points 6 hours ago (208|47)

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

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[]AbusedPenguin 159 points 6 hours ago (196|40)

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it works.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Melencamp1 153 points 4 hours ago (193|26)

Lady goes to her doc. "Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type. The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []walterdodrugs 147 points 4 hours ago (178|29)

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies, "No, I don't." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []DaFiucciur 139 points 6 hours ago (179|36)

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says "boy, it sure is hot in here." The second muffin says "holy shit! a talking muffin!" (substitute "oh my gosh" for "holy shit" if appropriate)
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 source save reply show child comments []TopScruffy 133 points 6 hours ago (157|23)

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? (they'll answer R) You'd think it's the Rrrr but it's the Cea!
permalink report source save reply show child comments []tanzm3tall 124 points 6 hours ago* (157|22)

I have this horrible joke from like middle school about some fruit going up your ass. It's so stupid, but every time I tell it I start laughing so hard I tear up. It's embarrassing honestly. And it's kind of vulgar, so it never seems appropriate. Edit: Added joke, thanks to request + downvotes. Found it online! Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []VapidStatementsAhead 126 points 4 hours ago (156|24)

Why aren't jokes in base 8 funny? Because 7 10 11!

 permalink report source save reply show child comments []olsmobile 116 points 6 hours ago (147|28)

why do all the chicks dig Jesus? because he is hung like this (spreads arms out wide)
permalink report source save reply show child comments []drpropaganda 119 points 6 hours ago (146|27)

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []LionLeo 114 points 6 hours ago (149|35)

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you even know how to drive this thing?" or What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH. (eyes = i's) or What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []SirPringles 102 points 4 hours ago (149|40)

Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, I wrote this very quickly, and I'm very tired. There once was an aspiring young music stundent. His greatest desire in life was to become a worldknown conductor. He spent 8 hours a day in

school, practising most instruments he could find. He already mastered guitar, piano, bass, violin, oboe and flute fairly well. He spent 3 hours a day lsitening to classical music, analyzing it so he could learn to write it himself. At the tender age of 8 he had read to read notes fluently. One day, he saw an ad in the local newspaper: "Conducting classes! For beginners and experts!" it said. The boy was thrilled. Finally, he had foud a place where he could learn to conduct. So he went to the community center, to room 213, and was greeted by a rather small group spread out in a room with at least 40 chairs in rows. In the front of the room stood an elderly man, looking like he was passing through his eighties. He smiled a warm smile. The boy carefully made his way through the room. He sat down on a chair in the middle row, which was empty. He counted 13 other people in the room, including the elderly teacher. Most of them was older then he was, the oldest looking almost as old as teacher. "Probably pursuing a choldhood dream", the boy thought. Suddenly, the teacher spoke. "Welcome!" He said. "My name is Tony Stryker, and I will be your teacher in the conducting classes." He smiled that warm smile again. "Let's first of all try out your skills! I will be sitting by this piano" he pointed at an old, battered piano in the corner, "and pla, and you will all conduct me, one by one! No worries now, you're all here to learn!" He once again cracked into that lovely smile. "So, how about we start with you, young lady?" The lady he had nodded at rose. She was tall, slender, with a hard face. Probably around her thirties. She walked to the front of the room, and stood in front of the piano. The old teacher looked at her. "Whenever you're ready." He said, and smiled. The woman raised her hands, and started moving her right hand in a motion which looked like an anchor: Down, left, right, up. Then she repeated it. She was steady, and looked straight at the man, who played along in her pace. After a while, he stopped. "Good, good!" He said. "Have a seat. Now, how about... Ah, my fellow senior citizen in the back!" He chuckled a little. The old man rose, and slowly walked to the front of the room, his fedora a little crooked on his broad head. He stood in front of the piano, and raised his hands. They shook, and there was no way of telling if it was of nervousness, or some sort of disease. Maybe both. He then started doing the same motion as the woman had done, only not so steady in pace and a little slower. The teacher played along acordingly. He then said "Great job, really! Thank you." The man did a little bow, then went back to his place. The teacher looked over the classroom. His eyes landed on the young boy. "How about you, lad?" He said, and smiled. THe boy stumbled a little as he rose, nervous and excited. He made his way to the front of the room, in front of the piano, and started moving his hands. It felt

good. He knew what he was doing. He had watched so many concerts, he had memorized every move. He started speeding up the tempo. Faster and faster. Suddenly, the teacher started to look worried, but the boy paid no mind. He was having so much fun. The tempo roose and rose, until suddenly... Silence. The teacher was bent over the piano. Someone yelled "Call 911!", others rushed to his side. But it was to late. The old man had had a heart attack. THe paramedics said it was fatal, but necessereily caused by something in his environment. Despite that, the boy was devastated. He couldn't help but feel it was somehow his fault. His parents felt so bad for him, they decided to move from the town, to escape all the bad memories. And so, they fled to New York. They got a small apartment, where they quickly settled in. The boy still was devastated, however. But yet, he still held on to his dream. He was to become a conductor. For years he practised, tried to perfect his pace and his discipline. Eventually, on his 20th birthday, his parents got him the greatest present of all: The chance to conduct the local high schools rendition of "The Phantom of the Opera". He was overjoyed. The very next day, he went to the school, to meet with the orchestra and the cast. He talked to them, told them his dreams, and befriended them. Then, it was time for rehersal. Granted, the orchestra didn't play so well, and the cast was just high school students after all, but it was all he wanted. They practised hard, and our concuvtor was very pleased with the result. Soon, it was time for the very first show. All the students parents were also, as well as the staff, and some who just wanted to see a cheap musical. The cast was nervous, but seemed to manage it: The orchetra was worse. All the musicians in the orchestra were having minor panic-attacks, and a few were crying. Our conductor gathered them all backstage, and held a pep talk. After it, all the participants felt inspired, and was calm again. Our conductor was pleased, and so the show began. But something must have happened, because the moment the first song started, the audience flinched. It sounded awful. It was off-beat, different keys, and the wrong songs. The cast messed up their lines, and the tuba player fainted. A few of the parent walked out at that very moment. Our conductor was devastated: He knew it was his fault. He was nothing more than a bad conductor. He ran out of the school, and took the first train, going anywhere. He rode it to the end station before he realized where he was: Austin, Texas. He looked aroud, and wondered what he should do. He a little money, so he found a cheap hotel, and immedieatly started looking for a job. He was amazed when the first thing he found in the newspaper read

"Assistant needed at Austin Concert Hall! Prior musical studies a must!". He thought about it, and then stood up. It was his dream. So he marched down to the Austin Concert Hall, and did an interview with the director. A few days later, he recieved a phone call in his hotelroom: He was hired. He worked there for a couple a months, cleaning, tuning instruments, taking care of some legal forms, when all of a sudden the conductor of the orchestra approched him. " heard you wanted to become a conductor." He said. "How would you like to try to conduct our orchestra, just for fun?" Our conductor was stunned. He didn't know what to say. Of course he did, but who knew what could happen? He said to himself that nothing bad could happen, and told the chief conductor that he would love to try. But still, he walked with heavy steps towards the hall. Inside, the whole orchestra was assembled on stage. Flutes, Violins, Cellos, Harps, Oboes and percussions, all in one place. It was beautifull. Put conductor stepped up to the stage, and onto the conductors podium... And gripped the Conductors baton. "Okay, guys..." He said, shakingly, "Let's... Let's play Mozart's 5th." He starte moving the baton, and it was glorious. usic was all around him, and he lost himself in it. However, as he lost himself, he also lost grip of the baton. It flew out of his hand, and straight into the mouth of one of the violin players. She died immediately. Our conductor was charged with manslaughter, and taken to prison. He was sentanced to death, by the electric chair. They gave him his last meal, a last prayer, and put him in the chair. They strapped him up, put water on his forehead, and put on the headpiece. And then, they pulled the switch. Nothing happened. The staff checked all the wires, all circuits, and tried again. Still nothing. They called in an electrician, who looked at the chair, and stated that nothing was wrong, that it should work properly. Once again, they tried. Nothing. Not so much as a twitch. After a few hours, the director of the prison walked up to the sentanced man and asked "Why won't you die? What is wrong you?!". Our protagonist looked at the director, and said in a tired voice "I suppose I'm just a poor conductor."
permalink report source save reply show child comments []medic889 106 points 4 hours ago (122|18)

What did the leper say to the hooker? -------------Keep the tip.

 permalink report source save reply show child comments []cptcliche [+1] 100 points 4 hours ago (116|18)

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a sandwich. The bartender sits a plate down with the panda's order and the panda quickly scarfs down the sandwich. As soon as he's finished, the panda pulls out a gun, blasts the guy sitting next to him, gets up, and heads for the door. "Wait just a second!" cries the bartender. "You come into my bar, you are rude and ungrateful, you murder a man, and, to top it all off, you don't even pay for your sandwich?!" "I'm a panda," he snarls back. "Look it up." And he walks out the door. The bartender phones the police and, as he's waiting for them to arrive, notices an encyclopedia on the counter. He picks it up and flips through it before stopping on: Panda - A bearlike mammal found in China, now endangered. Its primary food is bamboo and it generally eats shoots and leaves.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []babygoku69 85 points 4 hours ago (104|21)

Let's say you're telling the joke to "John Smith", this is a joke where you can involve the listener, it's one of my favorites: There are three guys walking home from the bar wasted.. they see the Guinness World Records building down the street. They decide to go in to see if they can beat any records. The first guy says, "I've got the biggest hands", he goes in and sure enough, comes out with the Guinness book and shows his friends his new world record of biggest hands. Second guy says, "I've got the biggest feet", he goes in and also comes out with the Guinness book showing off to his friends his new world record for biggest feet. Third guy steps up and says, "I've got the smallest penis", he goes in and comes out looking at the book disappointed and says, "who the fuck is john smith".
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 source save reply show child comments []skiptomylou1231 81 points 4 hours ago (103|17)

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken

permalink report source save reply show child comments []monster_buck 79 points 6 hours ago (93|14)

What's the last thing that went through the bug's mind when he hit the windshield? His ass.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Bahren 69 points 5 hours ago (76|6)

It's a knock knock joke but you've gotta start it.

permalink report source save reply show child comments []the_great_white 66 points 3 hours ago (77|8)

A Russian man, a Chinese man, and a French man we're flying in a plane when suddenly it lost power and crashed on a deserted island. When they come to their senses, the Russian decides to take charge and says "Ok, we're going to be here for a while so lets get some things together. French guy, try to find a clean source of water. Chinese guy, go find some supplies. I'll try to find some shelter, and we'll meet back here in an hour." They all go off their separate ways, and after an hour the French guy and Russian guy meet back up, but the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. They search around the island but eventually give up and assume the worst.

Months pass until the two guys get noticed by a passing plane. The pilot contacts the coast guard and sends a rescue ship to pick them up. As the two guys walk across that beach for the last time, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a rock and yells "SUPPLIESSSS!!!!"
permalink report source save reply show child comments []MeanwhileInAmerica 60 points 3 hours ago (66|5)

What did the egg say to the boiling pot of water? You expect for me to get hard? I just got laid!
permalink report source save reply show child comments []iam4real 58 points 6 hours ago (74|16)

patient: Doc, I feel like I am a dog. Psychiatrist: How long have you felt this way? patient: Ever since I was a little puppy.
permalink report source save reply show child comments []Wiggles42 51 points 4 hours ago (59|12)

So I was at the bar about two weeks ago, drinking a beer, watching the game. Two seats down from me I notice this really beautiful girl, also drinking a beer. We make eye contact and she doesn't seem to think much of it. I go to take a drink and out of the corner of my eye I notice her doing the same thing. This is the time when things go terribly wrong. Just as she's about to take a drink she sneezes. Her glass eye falls out and, without thinking, I reach out and catch it. After an awkward second or two, I hand it back to her and she goes to the bathroom to wash it out and put it back in her skull. When she comes back she sits down right next to me and buys me a drink. We talk for a few hours and go back and forth buying each other drinks. Finally last call comes around and she asks if I'd like to come back to her place. Of

course! We go back to her place, do the nasty, and pass out. Well, I wake up in the morning and she is gone. No sign of her at all. I lay there staring at the ceiling and finally decide to get dressed and leave. On my way down the stairs I smell breakfast food. BREAKFAST FOOD! A huge plate of bacon, pancakes, sausage...everything! I stick my head into the kitchen and ask her what she's doing. She says "Making breakfast. Duh!" So I ask her, "Do you do this for all the fellas?" She turns to look at me and says "No. You just happened to catch my eye." This is best told in a party situation. It's a totally believable, yet ridiculous premise. Remember, anything can happen in a bar.
permalink report save source reply []ComebackShane 47 points 6 hours ago (61|16)

What's the difference between Jesus, and a painting of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up a painting of Jesus.
permalink report save source reply []gladi8or 37 points 2 hours ago (53|7)

Guy at the bar, drinking away. He asks the bartender about the large glass schooner full of $20, $50, and $100 bills. Guy: "Why all the money in the schooner?" Bartender: "We have a contest around here with $100 entrance fee." Bartender: "First, you have to knockout the bouncer in one punch." Guy looks over and sees a huge, cornfeed fella wearing overalls. Bartender: "That's Bubba, a former college lineman" Bartender: "Second, you have to go out back. My pitbull, is tied up out there, with a bad tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth out by hand, with no help." Bartender: "Third, you have to go upstairs and see Ruth. She is 93. You will engage in intercourse with her and bring her to climax. You do all three, you get all the money in the schooner." Guy shrugs, smirks, shakes his head and keeps drinking. A few hours later, and many beers later, guy decides he might try out this contest. Guy empties his pockets and has enough money. Guy walks up behind Bubba and taps him on the shoulder. Before Bubba

got all the way around, he takes a haymaker and drops to the floor. Guy moves over towards the bar, and Bartender points him towards the back door, so Guy can head out back. Bartender, and several at the bar, hear howling and barking. Guy is yelling too. It goes on for about 10 minutes. Guy comes walking in from the back door with a smile on his face. Guy: "Where's that old lady that needs her tooth pulled?"