Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

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The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

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Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

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Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

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It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Two Jamaican women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were De Hovis Witnesses''.

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely after all.

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Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year''. Mick said, Let's hope it's not the 13th then!!''

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Since the blizzards and snowdrifts came, all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I think I'm going to have to let her in.

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Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick b*stard does that to a bloke's Advent calendar?

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After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy >>>>>>>> Apparently Nothing!!!

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A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.''

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Just had my water bill of 175 drop on my mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just 2 a month Time to change my supplier I think.

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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

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