Transferred to script form by Milkchiael/Ethan and Neo on BMCA

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

So it’s kinda just super dark. Slowly, Jeremy’s bed inches out. Nearing the end, Jeremy just
walks out like “ewe”.

“More than Survive”

[JEREMY]
C-c-c c'mon, c-c-c- c'mon
Go, go
C-c-c c'mon, c-c-c- c'mon
Go, go

I'm waiting for my porno to load

My brain is gonna freakin' explode
And now, of course, it's time to hit the road
Which means I'll be uncomfortable all day
But that really isn't such a change
If I'm not feeling weird or super strange
My life would be in utter disarray
'Cause freaking out is my okay
Good morning, time to start the day!

C-c-c c'mon, c-c-c c'mon

Go, go
C-c-c c'mon, c-c-c c'mon
Go, go

[spoken]
Dad!
Haven't you heard of pants?

[MR. HEERE]
We're all men in this house.
Pretend we're in the army

[JEREMY]
But.. you’re driving me to school?

(MR. HEERE sighs)

 [MR. HEERE]
Ugh, I know I promised, buddy, I’m just not sure I’m up for going outside today. You understand?

[JEREMY]
Just, when I get home, please
Have clothes on, okay?

[[Link]]
Ten-hut.

[JEREMY, sung]
Should I take a bus or walk instead?
I feel my stomach filling up with dread
When I get nervous my whole face goes red
Dude, weigh the options calmly and be still
A junior on the bus is killer weak
But if I walk when I arrive I'm gonna straight up reek
And my boxers will be bunchy and my pits will leak
Ugh, God, I wish I had the skill
To just be fine and cool and chill

I don't wanna be a hero

Just wanna stay in the line
I'll never be a Rob DeNiro
For me Joe Pesci is fine
So I follow my own rules
And I use them as my tools
To stay alive
I don't wanna be special, no, no
I just wanna survive

[JEREMY + COMPANY]
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go, go
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c c'mon
Go, go

[JEREMY]
Girls!
Boys--

[CHLOE, spoken]
Oh, what are you staring at?

[JEREMY]
Um.. I was trying to get to my locker

[CHLOE]
That guy is so weird

[BROOKE]
I've literally never noticed him

[RICH]
AAAH! Yo, don't touch me, tall ass!

[JEREMY]
I’m sorry, I was just trying to get to my-- locker!

[RICH]
You wash this off, you're dead!

[JEREMY, sung]
I navigate the dangerous hall
Focus on a poster there on the wall
Avoiding any eye contact at all
And trying hard (GAH-) to remain unseen

The poster's closer now, what does it say?

Oh, it's a sign-up for the after-school play

It's a sign-up sheet for getting called gay

And that's not what I need right now
End scene
I hang a left and there's

Christine...
Christine...
Christine...
Christine Canigula
Christine...

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
Um. Excuse me?
 [JEREMY]
Yeah..?

[CHRISTINE]
I think someone wrote "BOYF" on your backpack...

[JEREMY]
I- uh!

[JEREMY, sung]
Well, that was smooth
Yeah, that was super pimp
My Mac Daddy game couldn't be more limp
No time to wallow, no, instead
Just clear your brain and move ahead
Accept that you're one of those guys
Who'll be a virgin 'til he dies

I don't wanna be a baller

Just want some skills to count on
If my nuts were any smaller
They would be totally gone
If I continue at this rate
The only thing I'll ever date
Is my MacBook Pro hard drive
I don't wanna be Clooney, no, no
I just wanna survive

[JENNA, spoken]
Chloe! Chloe, I heard that Jake broke up with you-

[CHLOE]
Not now, Jenna!

[JENNA]
-and I saw him flirting… with MADELINE.

[CHLOE]
Tell me everything.

[JEREMY]
Michael!
 [MICHAEL, sung]
Jeremy, my buddy
How's it hanging?
Lunch is banging
Had my sushi
Got my slushie and more!

The roll was negimaki

And I'm feeling kinda cocky
'Cause the girl at Sev' Elev' gave me a generous pour

[JEREMY, spoken]
You're listening to Bob Marley again, aren't you?

[MICHAEL, sung]
Oh, I'm listening to Marley
And the groove is hella gnarly
And we're almost at the end of the song

Yeah, that was the end

Now tell me friend
How was class? You look like ass
What's wrong?

[JEREMY, spoken]
BOYF? What does that even mean?

(They look at each others backpacks. JEREMY’s says BOYF and MICHAEL’s says RIENDS…
BOYFRIENDS..)

[MICHAEL]
My mothers would be thrilled!

[JEREMY]
I hate this school

[MICHAEL]
It's all good
I saw on Discovery
That humanity has stopped evolving!
 [JEREMY]
That's... good?

[MICHAEL]
Evolution's "Survival of the Fittest", right?
But now, because of technology
You don't have to be strong to survive!
Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser!
Ha!
So own it!
Why try to be cool when you could be---

[JEREMY]
Signing up for the play!

[MICHAEL]
I was gonna say getting stoned in my basement, but...

[JEREMY]
No! I mean, look who's signing up for the play!

(sung)
Christine...

[MICHAEL]
Christine...

[JEREMY & MICHAEL]

Christine...
Christine Canigula
Christine...
Christine...
Christine...

[COMPANY]
Christine Canigula
Christine Canigula

[JEREMY]
I feel my body moving through the air
I see my converse walking over there
Take a shaky breath and I prepare
Who cares if people think I'm lame
Christine signed, I'll do the same
I grab the pen, I write my name

[RICH, spoken]
Ga-Ga-Gay!

[COMPANY]
(Laughter)

[CHLOE]
Oh, I like gay people

[JEREMY, sung]
I'm never gonna be the cool guy
I'm more the one who's left out
Of all the characters at school
I am not the one who the story's about
Why can't someone just help me out
And teach me how to thrive

[JEREMY & COMPANY]

Help me to more than survive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah ah...
More than survive!
Na, na, na, na, na na na na...
More than survive!
Na, na, na, na, na na na na...

[JEREMY]
If this was an apocalypse
I would not need any tips
In how to stay alive
But since the zombie army's yet to descend
And the period is going to end
I'm just trying my best to pass the test and

[JEREMY & COMPANY]

Survive!
C-c-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon
Go, go!
Survive!
C-c-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon
Go, go!
 [COMPANY]
C-c-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon
Go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Go... go!

SCENE TWO

[JEREMY, spoken]
I guess evolution’s not for everyone..

[MICHAEL]
You don’t have to do this.. of course, I’ww mock you fowevew if you dooon’t

[JEREMY]
C-c-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon
Go, go!
C-c-c-c'mon, c-c-c-c'mon

(MICHAEL shrugs and shoves JEREMY inside before walking of.f)

Go yOOOH!

(Pause.)

[CHRISTINE]
Yo.

(JEREMY walks in and looks around. A super awkward silence as CHRISTINE is currently
reading an old, worn out book.)

[JEREMY]
Is this where you meet for the play?

(CHRISTINE blinked, glancing around in slight confusion, as they’re currently in a theater.)

[CHRISTINE]
Noooo, it’s where you meet for the swim team!!

[JEREMY]
(quietly) What?
 [CHRISTINE]
I’m joking-

[JEREMY]
I’M JEREMY
I mean..

[CHRISTINE]
Are you okay?

[JEREMY]
(Pretty loud, not ‘barely audible’ smh. He’s pretty damn audible. This is sponsored by
[Link].) nNYEHM?

[CHRISTINE]
Uh.. you seem nervous

[JEREMY]
No, I always…-!

(A pause as JEREMY realizes what he was gonna say. He commits to it)

[JEREMY]
..sweat this much!

[CHRISTINE]
I get it. You’re a virgin! First play rehearsal!!

(The look on JEREMYs face is fucking priceless. Even after he realizes what she said.)

[JEREMY]
YOU think I’M nervous about play rehearsal!

[CHRISTINE]
Oh, it’s okay! I’m a little jealous, actually. You never forget your first play rehearsal. Coming here
is the highlight-

[JEREMY]
of you’re day?

[CHRISTINE]
Of my LIFE.
 “I Love Play Rehearsal”

[CHRISTINE, sung]
I love play rehearsal
Because it's the best!
Because it is fun

(An abrupt end. Absolute silence. JEREMY assumes she wants to go on even though she’s got
her head in a book like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. CHRISTINE slowly pulls away from the
book, staring at JEREMY.)

[CHRISTINE]
I love play rehearsal
And I get depressed as soon as it’s done

But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed

No, I'm not into self-harm
Dude, I swear, here check my arm!

See, I just use the word to emphasize a point

Show the passion that I've got
I am passionate a lot

I have mad, gigantic feelings

Red and frantic feelings
About most everything
Like gun control, like spring
Like if I’m living up to all I'm meant to be
I also have a touch of ADD

[spoken]
Where was I?
Oh, right!

[sung]
I love play rehearsal
'Cause you are equipped with directions and text
Life is easy in rehearsal
You follow a script so you know what comes next

Anywho the point that I'm getting to is sometimes life can't

Work out in the way
It works out in the play
Like the only time I get to be the center of attention
Is when I'm Juliet
Or Blanche DuBois
And can I mention?

[spoken]
That was really one of my best roles
It made me feel like there just aren't strong roles for women in the theater these days.
Particularly high school theater! Do you find that? Because I totally find that.

[JEREMY]
Uh, yeah. I uh-

[CHRISTINE, sung]
And no matter how hard I try
It's impossible to narrow down the many reasons why-y-y
I love play rehearsal
I happiness cry as soon as it starts!
It’s just so universal
Getting to try playing so many parts
Most humans do one thing for all of their lives
The thought of that gives me hives!
I have so many interests I wanna pursue
And why am I telling this to you?
Guess there's a part of me that wants to

[JEREMY, spoken]
Really?

[CHRISTINE]
There’s also a part of me that wants to do this:

(JEREMY and CHRISTINE get real close, JEREMYs preparing for a kiss, however..)

(I think this part is ad-lib, but here’s the one they did when I saw it)
(Bird caw caws.) So I did it!

(JEREMY is on the floor, hiding his face. He gives a forced thumbs up.)

[sung]
Back to play rehearsal
My brain is like "bzz"
My heart is like "wow!"
Because we're here at play rehearsal
And it's starting
We're starting
It’s starting
Soon
uwu

(An awkward pause.)

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
Sorry, I get carried away, so-

[JEREMY]
NO, I JUST WISH I LOVED ANYTHING AS MUCH AS.. yOU… love play rehearsal..

[CHRISTINE]
I guess I just want this to be perfect.

[JEREMY]
Me too..

(LITERAL FUCKING SCREAMING AS EVERYONE ARRIVES-??? Okay well there’s talking

mixed in, but it’s basically fucking screaming, let’s be real here.)

[MR. REYES]
Oh thank god, the popular students have arrived! Hello, everyone. My name is Mr. Reyes. And I
am pleased to announce that this year, we will be staging William Shakespeare's classic: A
Midsummer Night’s Dream..

[CHRISTINE]
YES!

[MR. REYES]
Completely rewritten..

[CHRISTINE]
What?

[MR. REYES]
By ME!
 [CHRISTINE]
No!

[MR. REYES]
My version will be set into the post-apocalyptic future! Instead of frolicking with fairies, there will
be fleeing.. from zombiiees..

(CHRISTINE gets up and marches up to MR. REYES)

[CHRISTINE]
Wait! Don’t you care about Shakespeare?!

(MR. REYES fucking shoves her aside, paying little to no attention to her.)

[MR. REYES]
The man is dead, let it go. We will now take a five minute break so that I can eat a hot pocket.

(Everyone shuffles off, leaving JEREMY, JAKE, and CHRISTINE. JAKE stops CHRISTINE from
leaving.)

[JAKE]
Hey, uhhh, you were in that play last year.

(CHRISTINE awkwardly giggles. She’s a lot more awkward here and I fucking love it.)

[CHRISTINE]
Uh, you mean Romeo and Juliet?

[JAKE]
Yeah, yeah, yeah! You were that girl who died!

[CHRISTINE]
You mean Juliet?

[JAKE]
Yeah, yeah, yeah (loud, awkward laugh. yes,, lov,,) Whoo! That was depressing!

[CHRISTINE]
Thanks..

(She begins to walk off, JAKE stops her once again.)

[JAKE]
No!... But you were good.. I’m Jake.

[CHRISTINE]
(Petrified) I know..

(AGAIN, she tried to walk off. And AGAIN, JAKE stops her. Honey, just say no-.)

[JAKE]
Um! May I say something?.. Stupid? (another awkward laugh, you got this, Hon.) When I saw
you die in that play last year, that was, like, the saddest thing I felt in a long time. It was like
everything in my life, all the pressure I feel to be the best at everything... all the time... suddenly
felt small.. And then at the end when you got up for your victory dance-!

(CHRISTINE laughs.)

[CHRISTINE]
Bow! It’s called a bow!

[JAKE]
Right. I just remember thinking “Man, I’m glad this girl’s not dead.. before I got the chance to
know her”.. Stupid, right?

[CHRISTINE]
That’s not stupid at all! .. Why are you and your friends doing the play?

[JAKE]
Brooke’s doing it because of Chloe, Chloe is doing it because of me, and Rich is doing it cause
he’s my boy.

[CHRISTINE]
You didn’t say why you’re doing it.

[JAKE]
Haha, I’m doing it because of you.

(JAKE finger guns, but it’s not awkward at all. Kinda… chill. So he pops out and CHRISTINE is
all :0! And JEREMY runs up because he's spooked.)

[JEREMY]
sO I HEARD THIS THING ABOUT HOW HUMANS AREN'T EVOLVING ANYMORE. I SAW IT
ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL AND I-

[CHRISTINE]
I’m sorry, Jeremy. Did you say something?

[JEREMY]
..Forget it..

[sung]
Once again there’s been a takedown
But I guess it could’ve gone worse
At least I didn’t have a breakdown
Then have to go to the nurse

I don’t wanna be special

Don’t even need to survive
I just wanna know that Christine
Is aware I’m alive

SCENE THREE

[RICH, spoken]
Ha, well look who it is! I’m talking to you, Tall Ass!

[JEREMY]
Why do you keep calling me that? I’m not even tall!

[RICH]
Well you could be if you weren’t hunched over all SCARED all the time! Are you scared of me,
Jeremy?

[JEREMY]
(on the brink of tears) Leave me alone! I’ve had a bad day!

[RICH]
(gasp) You’ve had a bad day..? YOU HAD A- A BAD DAY? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A BAD
DAY IS!

[JEREMY]
nO- STOP IT, SERIOUSLY! COME ON—

(RICHIE does a twitchie. Real bad twitchie :(. JEREMY don’t give two shits. He just kinda looks
over at him then walks away blankly, as if nothing even fucking happened.)

[RICH]
DON’T MOVE! (with a lisp) You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?
 [JEREMY]
You didn’t go here freshman year..

[RICH]
(with a lisp)I did! You just didn’t notice! Nobody did..

“The Squip Song”

[RICH, sung]
Freshman year
I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue
I was a loser just like you
Good times would only soar by
I was gross
As every female could attest
My sexting was a futile quest
My little penis was depressed
He was so lonely— SHH!
The poor guy!
I was
Hopeless, hopeless
I was
Helpless, helpless
Every time I'd walk the hallway
I would trip
I was
Stagnant and idle
I was
So suicidal
And then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then
Then, then I got a Squip

[JEREMY, spoken]
You got quick?!

[RICH]
Not quick
Squip

[JEREMY]
I've just never heard of it before

[RICH]
That's the point!
Look, this is some top-secret, can't-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit

(sung)
It's from Japan
It's a gray, oblong pill
Quantum nano-technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until
It implants in your brain and it tells you what to do

[RICH, spoken]
Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it ‘cause my SQUIP
said that I had to, but now it’s saying that you’re not such a bad guy. That you might want a
SQUIP of your own. And I’ve got a hookup. This guy that works at the Payless Shoes at the
Menlo Park Mall. It’s only $600.

[JEREMY]
So it's like...
(whisper) Drugs?

[RICH]
It's better than drugs, Jeremy

[RICH & (ENSEMBLE), sung]

It's from Japan! (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
It's a gray, oblong pill, (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
Quantum nano-technology CPU. (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah)
It implants in your brain and it tells you what to do. (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)
It tells you what to do
It's preprogrammed (Ohhhhh)
It's amazing (Ohhhhh)
Speaks to you directly (Ohhhhh Ah ah)
You behave as (Ohhhhh)
It's appraising (Ohhhhh)
Helps you act correctly (Ohhhhh)

[RICH & ENSEMBLE]

Helps you to be cool!
It helps you rule!

[RICH]
'Cause right now you're
Helpless, helpless
You are
Almost hopeless
On the school's social map, you're just a blip
But if you
Take my advice and if you pay the listed price
Well, then you go from sad to interesting
To hip - Yeah, your whole life will flip!

[RICH & ENSEMBLE]

When you buy a Squip!

[RICH & ENSEMBLE]

Hey, yeah, a Squip-ip-ip! (Oohhh, ahhhh)
Yeah, Yeah, Squip! (Oohhhh)
Yeah Yeah!
No longer a drip when you got in your grip
A Squip
A Squip
A Squip! (Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)

(RICH yeets outta there like a pimp.)

[JEREMY]
It's from Japan
It's a gray, oblong pill
Quantum nano-technology CPU
The quantum computer in the pill will travel through my blood until
It implants in my brain and it tells me what to do

Helps me to be cool
It helps me rule

SCENE FOUR
 “Two-Player Game”

[MICHAEL]
Apocalypse of the Damned!

[JEREMY]
Level Nine!

[BOTH]
The Cafetorium!

Find the bad guy, push him aside

Then move on forward with your friend at your side
It's a two-player game, so when they make an attack
You know you got a brother, gonna have your back
Then you stay on track and--
Ah!
Remain on course
And if they give you a smack, you--
Gah!
You use your force!
And if you leave your brother behind, it’s lame
'Cause it's an effed-up world
But it’s a two-player game!
Hey!

[JEREMY, spoken]
So? What do you think?

[MICHAEL]
He’s scamming you! He’s scamming you super weirdly.

[JEREMY]
What.. if he’s NOT? This could change everything! All I have to do is give the guy who...
tor...ments me… 600… He’s totally scamming me. I’m doomed to be a loser ‘till the end of the
world. Nah, probably then too.

[MICHAEL]
No way! You’re like this Crystal Pepsi I bought on eBay that expired in 1996!

(MICHAEL drinks it, JEREMY looks on in horror.)

[JEREMY]
Unsafe for human consumption..?

[MICHAEL]
(lip smack.) Better with age.

(sung)
Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette
It's just that no one else but me thinks that yet
You're just a nothing in this high school scheme
But it's no big, 'cause you and I are a team

We like out-of-print games

Retro skates
Got a Pac-Man tattoo
Nobody here appreciates
But soon we'll be together where they do

'Cause guys like us are cool in college

Cool in college, this I know
Guys like us are cool in college
We rule in college, listen bro
High school is hell, but we navigate it well
'Cause what we do is we make it a two-player game

[BOTH]
Zombie!
Watch out!
Ah!
Wah!
Ugh

[JEREMY]
As losers, we have fought together for years
Both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers
Now we’re stuck on a level, and I wanna move on

[MICHAEL]
Just wait two years whereupon
You’ll realize

[BOTH]
Guys like us are
Cool in college
Cool in college, won't be lame

[JEREMY]
Dude, I know, I get it!

[BOTH]
Guys like us are cool in college

[JEREMY]
But we’re not in college

[MICHAEL]
All the same
High school is whack, but we have each other's back
It's me and you

[BOTH]
We’ve made it a two-player game

GAH!
Oh!
Zombie!

[MR HEERE, spoken]

Hello?

[BOTH, sung]
Blood!

[MR HEERE, spoken]

Son?

[BOTH, sung]
Claws!

[MR HEERE, spoken]

Jeremy!

[BOTH]
Pause
[MICHAEL falls to his knees, facing away from the door. He’s on all fours. With JEREMY up and
turned to face his father. So uh. Put the dots together.]

[JEREMY]
Gah! Dad! Pants!

[MR HEERE]
Is that a girl? Are you in here with a girl?

[MICHAEL]
Hey, Mr. Heere.

[MR HEERE]
Oh. Hi, Michael. Hey, I was gonna order a pizza.. if there’s something you boys want-

[JEREMY]
Did you get dressed today? Like.. at all?

[MR HEERE]
They didn’t need me at the office, so I worked from home.

[JEREMY]
Most people wear pants at home.

[MR HEERE]
Well, that’s why most people aren’t your father. (awkward laugh) Good talk!

[MICHAEL]
How’s he doing?

[JEREMY]
How does it look?

[MICHAEL]
You heard from her?

[JEREMY]
(shrugs) A little.. who cares? It’s like.. mom’s happy now.. in Long Island with her.. high school
prom king. She’s moved on, why can’t he?

[MICHAEL]
Hey, hey, hey, you—
 [JEREMY]
Look, I don’t want THAT to be MY future! SAD and ALONE and.. Rich says his hookups at the
Payless. What if we go there ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?

[MICHAEL]
And if it does? Will you be too cool for-... video games?

[JEREMY]
No way.

[sung]
You know that you are my favorite person
That doesn't mean that I can’t still dream

[MICHAEL]
Is it really true?
I'm your favowite perwson?!

[JEREMY]
Yes, we're never not gonna be a team
High school is shit!
And you gotta help me conquer it
It's just what we do

[BOTH]
We make it a two-player game!

Find the bad guy push him aside!

Then move on forward with your friend at your side!
It's a two-player game, so when they make an attack
You know you got a brother, gonna have your back
Then you stay on track and--
Ah!
Remain on course
And if they give you a smack, you--
Gah!
You use your force!
And if you leave your brother behind, it's lame
'Cause it's an effed-up world
But it's a two-player game!
Hey!

Two-player game
Two-player game
He-e-ey!

(They lost. Losers.)

SCENE FIVE

[JEREMY, spoken]
I.. like your sideburns!... Wolverine, right?

[SCARY STOCK BOY]

Let’s see the money. Is that four hundred?

[JEREMY]
Four?

[SCARY STOCK BOY]

Is that a problem?

[JEREMY]
No, actually. There’s this guy at my school charging-

(MICHAEL coughs for JEREMY to shut the fuck up before he loses two hundo extra.)

[JEREMY]
Oh, four hundred?! Wow! Well, if you.. insist…? Ladies running shoes…?

[SCARY STOCK BOY]

Ah, ah ah! (makes a whirring noise, like a high pitched microwave.)

[sung]
It's from Japan
It's a gray, oblong pill
Quantum nano-technology CPU

[spoken]
Just so we’re clear, this is untested technology and it’s not exactly legal. Which is why you’re
paying for it with cash at the back of a shoe store. To activate, take it with Mountain Dew. Don’t
know why, just something about Mountain Dew. AND, this is important! To DEactivate- HEY! I’m
all sold out.

[JENNA]
Of shoes?
 [SCARY STOCK BOY]
You are here for shoes.

[JENNA]
It’s a Payless..

[SCARY STOCK BOY]

My bad. Scram, kid.

[JEREMY]
Wait! But-

[SCARY STOCK BOY]

SCRAM! (ad-lib. the official one:) Right this way, I got a fresh order of Crocs that are lit AF.

SCENE SIX

[JEREMY]
If this is real.. my whole life could change.. What if it’s dangerous? He said this was untested
technology!

[MICHAEL]
Technology isn’t dangerous on it’s own, it’s just about how we choose to use it.. (harsh whisper)
So don’t screw it up.

[JEREMY]
Alright. Here goes noth-.. everything..

(JEREMY vores the pill.)

[MICHAEL]
How does it taste?

(Smack smack.)

[JEREMY]
Minty.

[MICHAEL]
How do you feel?

[JEREMY]
Like…. (a super long pause) .. a chump!

[MICHAEL]
Nothing? At all? Try to say something cool!

[JEREMY]
I think I just blew my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen tic tac.

[MICHAEL]
Not cool..

[JEREMY]
Please, leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries… forever..

[MICHAEL]
Five minutes!

[JEREMY]
Where are you going?

[MICHAEL]
Check it out, this guy at Spencer’s Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Ectocooler! It’s the
Ghostbusters tie-in drink that they discontinued in the nineties!

[JEREMY]
What does it taste like?

[MICHAEL]
(whispering) Ghosts.

(MICHAEL runs off, leaving JEREMY. JEREMY begins drinking more Mountain Dew, hoping he
hadn't drank enough. JAKE and CHRISTINE enter.)

[CHRISTINE]
Shouldn’t we wait for the rest of the cast?

[JAKE]
Yeaaaah, I figured we could get to know each other alone. Which is why I’m taking you to one of
my favorite spots in the universe! Sbarro! Yeah, my parents used to take me there. But.. they’re
not around anymore..

[CHRISTINE]
Oh my god, I had no idea!
 [JAKE]
Yeah, they had to flee the country for money laundering.

[JEREMY]
cHRISTINE!

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy! I didn’t see you there!

[JAKE]
Yeah, you’re kinda hard to notice.

[JEREMY]
There’s something I need to tell you!

[CHRISTINE]
Now?

[JAKE]
Yeah, man. Now?

“The Squip Enters”

[JEREMY]
I… I… AAA-OH!!

[VOICE]
Target female inaccessible

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy?

[JEREMY]
Oh, what the Hell?!

[VOICE]
Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort

[JEREMY]
Mild?

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy, what's wrong?

[JAKE]
Dude, that freak is freaking out!

[VOICE]
Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.

[JEREMY]
NO! Wait, I'm fine.

[CHRISTINE]
Okay?

[JEREMY]
I just-

[VOICE]
Discomfort level may increase

[JEREMY]
wAAAAAAH!! AGH!!! OH GOD- OHO GODD!

[VOICE]
Accessing neural memory
Accessing muscle memory
Access procedure complete
Jeremy Heere, welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor
Your SQUIP

[JEREMY]
You look like Keanu Reeves

[THE SQUIP]
My default mode. But I can see you may prefer to take instructions from Batman, Beyonce, a
sexy anime cat girl with a tail-

[JEREMY]
Oh, Keanu's fine! Can… everyone see you?

[THE SQUIP]
I exist only in your mind. All they see is you having an animated conversation with yourself. So
don't do that. Just think at me, like you're telepathic
 [JEREMY]
Like in X-Men?

[THE SQUIP]
I can see this is going to be difficult. You wanna be more chill

[JEREMY]
Oh, you mean cool!

[THE SQUIP]
I do not.

“Be More Chill Part One”

[THE SQUIP]
You see, human social activity is governed by rules. And I have the processing capacity to
understand those rules. And pass them on to you

(sung)
C-c-c-c-c-cmon, Jeremy, can't you see?
Your operating system is outdated
Come on, boo, you know that you
Make everyone around you nauseated
Hey, I've arrived now, this is not a drill
Bae, I've arrived, wow!
Won't be long until
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill

[JEREMY, faintly]
Wow

[THE SQUIP]
Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, but I am a masturbator!
 [THE SQUIP]
We'll fix that

(sung)
All your nerdiness is ugly

[JEREMY, spoken]
I thought I was more of a geek?

[THE SQUIP, sung]

All your stammering's a chore

[JEREMY, spoke]
Wha-stammer- nonononono, I don't stammer, you know what I-- o k a y.

[THE SQUIP, sung]

Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more

Buh

[JEREMY]
(sighs)

[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
MM!

[THE SQUIP]
No

[JEREMY]
Gah!

[THE SQUIP]
Stop!

[JEREMY]
Gah!
 [THE SQUIP]
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[JEREMY]
...terrible?

[THE SQUIP]
Terrible!

[JEREMY]
Oh...

[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[JEREMY]
(heavy breathing)

[THE SQUIP]
So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill
Be more chill

[JEREMY, spoken]
GAH! Did you just shock me?!

[THE SQUIP]
Spinal stimulation. You were slouching. Now, the first thing you need to change is your shirt.
Buy that one!

[JEREMY]
It says Eminem...

[THE SQUIP]
If you’re so astute, what do you need me for?

[JEREMY]
Do people still listen to Eminem?

[THE SQUIP]
Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in
which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well

(sung)
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]

Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]

Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]

All the people in the mall

[THE SQUIP]
Think you are such a slob

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]

You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]

And boy

[THE SQUIP]
Can I see why!

(spoken)
Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt

[CHLOE]
...Jerry?

[JEREMY]
Jerry-me
 [THE SQUIP]
Greet the beta

[JEREMY]
The be- oh. Hi, Brooke

[THE SQUIP]
"You look sexy."

[JEREMY]
I can't say that to a hot girl! Aaah!

[THE SQUIP]
Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death

[JEREMY]
LOOKING...PRE-TTY...SEXY, BROO-KE!

[BROOKE]
Thanks

[CHLOE]
Is that a girl's shirt?

[JEREMY]
No

[SQUIP]
"Yes."

[JEREMY]
Yes

[THE SQUIP, spoken & JEREMY, overlapping]

Repeat after me:

(sung)
I saw it in the window
I saw it in the window
And I couldn't dismiss
And I couldn't dismiss
I was dating a girl
I was dating a girl
And she had a shirt just like this
And she had a shirt just like this, haha!

[THE SQUIP]
It's still painful

[JEREMY]
It's still painful

[CHLOE, spoken]
So, who was this mystery girl?

[JEREMY]
Oh, you've probably never heard of-

[THE SQUIP, sung]

Madeline

[JEREMY]
Madeline

(CHLOE snaps a clothing hanger in half.)

[CHLOE, spoken]
What?

[JEREMY, sung]
She's French

[CHLOE, spoken]
She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!

[BROOKE]
Madeline... broke up with you?

[JEREMY]
Yeah

[THE SQUIP]
No..
 [JEREMY]
I mean--

[THE SQUIP, sung]

I broke up with her

[JEREMY]
I broke up with her!

[THE SQUIP]
'Cause she was
Cheating on me

[JEREMY, overselling it]

She was
Cheating on me-e-e-eeee!

[THE SQUIP]
Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill

[CHLOE, spoken]
What did I tell you? She is a life ruiner!

[BROOKE]
You are so much better off without her, Jeremy!

[CHLOE]
Obviously! I mean, who does Madeline think she is?!

[JEREMY]
Wh-What just happened?

[THE SQUIP]
A shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you- hate who
they hate.

[CHLOE]
Ugh! Let’s get out of here!

“Do You Wanna Ride”

[THE SQUIP]
Brooke is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept
 [BROOKE]
So.. (sung) do you wanna ride?

(THE SQUIP and JEREMY share a look.)

[BOTH]
Yes!

(THE SQUIP rolls his eyes, looking somewhat disappointed at JEREMY’S slow behavior.)

[JEREMY]
Oh! But I’m supposed to meet my friend Michael!

[BROOKE]
Oh.

[THE SQUIP]
Jeremy, if this is gonna work, you need to do as I instruct.

[BROOKE]
Jeremy

(sung)
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride, wanna go far?
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get inside my mother's car?
Drive it on home
Don't you say no
Jerry, can you be coerced? Uh-huh
Home in a snatch
Only one catch
We gotta stop for frozen yogurt first

[BROOKE & CHLOE]

Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride?
Do you wanna ride, wanna go far?
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get inside my/her mother's car?
Drive it on home
Don't you say no
Jerry, can you be coerced? Uh-huh
Home in a snatch
Only one catch
We gotta stop for frozen yogurt first

[BROOKE]
Pinkberry!

[JEREMY, spoken]
I- uh! Next time, I promise!

(THE SQUIP huffs and goes to a wall. He leans on it and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He
looks super annoyed and angsty.)

[CHLOE]
Whatever.

[BROOKE]
Uh.. my boyfriend cheated on me too… EX boyfriend. So I know how you feel.

[CHLOE]
Brooke! Come on!

[BROOKE, sung]
(giggles) Au revoir

[JEREMY, spoken]
Did you see that? That was awesome! I have to find Michael!

[THE SQUIP]
Michael has left the mall!

[JEREMY]
How do you know?

[THE SQUIP]
(clearly lying) I can.. access the mall security cameras!

[JEREMY]
But how am I supposed to get home?
 “Be More Chill Part Two”

[THE SQUIP]
I told you accepting a ride was imperative! If this is gonna work, you can’t just listen! You have
to obey. Now repeat after me:

(sung)
Woah, everything about you is so terrible

[JEREMY]
Everything about me is just terrible

[THE SQUIP]
(spoken) Good
(sung) Woah, everything about you makes me wanna die

[JEREMY]
Everything about me makes me wanna die

[THE SQUIP]
(spoken) Now you’ve got it
(sung) But, Jeremy, soon you'll see that if you listen to me, listen to me
Everything about you is going to be wonderful!

[ENSEMBLE]
We love everything about you!

[THE SQUIP]
Everything about you is going to be so alive!

[ENSEMBLE]
We could never live without you!

[THE SQUIP]
You won't feel left out or unsure
You won't be ugly anymore
Because

[SQUIP & ENSEMBLE]

Everything about you is going to be cool, and powerful, popular, incredible!
 [THE SQUIP]
You will...

[JEREMY]
Be more chill!

(JEREMY fucking finger guns and THE SQUIP is unimpressed. I would even go as far to say he
was displeased.)

[THE SQUIP]
Be more chill

[ENSEMBLE]
Be more chill
Be more chill
Be more chill

Be more chill
Be more chill

Be more chill
Be more chill

Be more chill
Be more chill

[JEREMY]
(yawns) (sung horribly) Be more chill… I’m gonna be.. totally awesome.. and super.. duper...
chill…

[THE SQUIP]
Sleep well, slugger. You got a big day tomorrow.

(THE SQUIP disappears.)

SCENE SEVEN

[JEREMY]
(whisper) Hello?
(whispers a bit louder) Are you on?
(louder) Hello?
 [MR HEERE]
Jeremy, are you talking to yourself?

“Sync Up”

[JEREMY]
I.. guess I am.. huh.. meh (shrugs)
(sung) C-c-c-cmon
C-c-c-cmon, go-
go-Ow!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

What did we say about masturbation?

[JEREMY]
I was just gonna...check my email!

[THE SQUIP]
You can't lie to me, Jeremy, I'm inside your brain
Hey, take those off

[JEREMY]
But how am I supposed to see?
(intense gasp)Woah! What was that?!

[THE SQUIP]
I have access to your optic nerves. I fixed your vision. Now, let’s work on the rest of you.

[ALL, sung]
C-c-c-cmon, c-c-c-cmon!
Go, go!
C-c-c-cmon, c-c-c-cmon
Go, go!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

I’m a learning computer, Jeremy
With every interaction, I evolve
Simply walk down the hallway and observe

[RICH, sung]
Whoo! What up brah, kicks look bangin’

[JAKE]
Shut up dawg, when we hangin’?

[RICH]
Ask me later, yeah?

[RICH & JAKE]

We’ll sync up!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

This one participates in sports and clubs
To avoid the feeling that deep down
He’ll never be good enough

[JEREMY]
But Jake’s popular!

[THE SQUIP]
Those facts are not mutually exclusive. Make a fist.

[Jeremy]
What?

(JAKE does some weird ass handshake with JEREMY while making grunting noises, what the
fuck JAKE. JEREMY is big boi confused)

[JAKE]
Nice!

[CHLOE, sung]
I’m shook, I’m blah, I’m just--

[BROOKE]
There, there!

[CHLOE, spoken]
Brooke!

[BROOKE, sung]
I’m sorry

[CHLOE]
It’s not fair
 [BROOKE]
Yeah!

[CHLOE]
I know

[BROOKE & CHLOE]

Oh, we so sync up!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

That one is obsessed with status
Because she’s scared of losing it!

[JEREMY]
C’mon! Chloe isn’t scared of anything!

[THE SQUIP]
Everyone is scared of something, Jeremy
The most dangerous people are the ones who pretend they’re not

[JENNA]
Chloe! Chlo!

[CHLOE]
Not now, Jenna!

[JENNA]
Guess who I saw at the mall last night?
...With Jake!

[CHLOE]
I want details

[THE SQUIP]
That one uses gossip to get attention from her peers, but as soon as she shares it they ignore
her

[JEREMY]
That’s sad, what should I do?

[THE SQUIP]
You should ignore her
 [MR. REYES]
Mr. Heere! It’s a pleasure to see you. . .here! (sad laugh)

[THE SQUIP]
Poor guy, his dreams are dead. That’s why he eats so many (sung) Hot Pockets.

[MR. REYES]
No headphones in the hallways, Michael!

[JEREMY]
Oh, Michael! Where?

[RICH]
Yo! Tall-Ass
Where’s my money?

[JEREMY]
Crap! What do I tell Rich?

[THE SQUIP]
Up up, down down, left right, A!

[JEREMY & RICH]

GAAUGH!

[RICH]
...You got one?

[JEREMY]
Yeah! Sorry I meant go through you but dON’T HIT ME--!

[RICH]
Jeremy! This is awesome!
I mean, yeah, I could’ve used the money
Cause things are kinda… rough at home
If you know what I’m sayin’

[JEREMY]
Yeah!
[strained] My dad drinks too

(JEREMY looks over at THE SQUIP like wtf?????)

 [RICH]
Yo, fuckin’ Dads, right?!
He usually passes out by nine!
(gasp)You should come over and play Xbox
You know, with a Squip, the only controller you need
Is your mind, ha

[JENNA,sung]
Rich and Jeremy chillin’?

[JAKE]
Looks like Jeremy’s killin’

[MR. REYES, spoken]

What’s the deal with that?

[JENNA, JAKE, MR. REYES, sung]

can’t sync up!

[A very rad INSTRUMENTAL]

[JEREMY, spoken]
WOAH! What was that about?!

[THE SQUIP]
I synced with his Squip.
Now his desires are compatible with your own

[JEREMY]
And that makes him act like we’re friends?

[THE SQUIP]
What is friendship, but a bond between two people?
Now, you and Rich have a bond
It’s just digital

[MICHAEL]
Jeremy!

[JEREMY]
Mike-! That was weird.. he was just there

[BROOKE,sung]
Bonjour, Jeremy

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, Brooke!

[BROOKE, sung]
I’m sure digging this new look
Hella retro and très bonsoir
[spoken] That was French

[JEREMY]
Hehe. Uh, how was Pinkberry?

[BROOKE]
Scary
I have some issues with dairy

[CHLOE, spoken]
Brooke!

[BROOKE, sung]
I’m sorry, bye

[BROOKE & JEREMY]

Let’s sync up!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

You see, Jeremy?
Life is not unlike a video game
And in a video game
Success requires just two things
Good hand-eye coordination
And a cheat code!

[Another super rad INSTRUMENTAL]

[FULL CAST (minus JEREMY and SQUIP), vocalizing]

Aaaah!
Aaaah!

[JEREMY, sung]
All in all, a not too heinous day
 [ENSEMBLE]
Nananananananananana!

[JEREMY]
I walk the hall with purpose as I swagger on my way

[ENSEMBLE]
Nananananananana
Hey, hey, hey!

[JEREMY]
Feelin’ crisp and high and clean
I head to play rehearsal with Christine!

SCENE EIGHT

[CHLOE, spoken]
Is this seat saved?

[CHRISTINE]
Oh yeah! It’s-

(The bag is shoved off the chair)

[CHLOE]
Oops!

(The oops is insufficient, as CHLOE kicks the backpack offstage)

[CHLOE]
Jenna Rolan said she saw you at the mall with Jake last night.

[CHRISTINE]
Well, yeah. That’s. . . who it’s saved for..

[CHLOE]
(clapping her hands) Jakes. Not. Coming.

[CHRISTINE]
Oh! Is he sick?

[CHLOE]
He’s at Model UN. . .or whatever it is this week! You know Jake, always jumping from one
extracurricular to another

[CHRISTINE]
I don’t know him that well…

[CHLOE]
Well, he loves to. . .try. New. Things. He just doesn’t always. . .stay with them. . .after he. . .tries
them--

[CHRISTINE]
We’re just friends!

[CHLOE]
What?

[CHRISTINE]
I know you guys used to date, so if that’s what this is about then--!

[CHLOE]
Oh my god, no, no, no, no, no! Jake and I are totally over-er-er-er!

[BROOKE]
Yeah, he is so gross!

[CHLOE]
HE IS NOT GROSS, BROOKE!

(BROOKE turns away, scrunching her soda can up.)

[CHLOE]
Friends. . .I am so glad!!
(suddenly intimidating) ‘Cause, real talk. . .I would HATE for you to think that the reason Jake’s
not here. . .is because he’s already bored of you!
…
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[MR REYES]
Let’s begin, people! Curtains rise on Athens, Georgia. The center for disease control.

[JENNA]
Now, fair Hyppolyta, our nuptial hour draws aspace. Bring me patient zero!
(CHLOE looks down at her script.)
[CHLOE]
Cough!

[BROOKE]
Doc-tER! Why IS! Her cheek! So pale! How CHANCE the roses there! Fade so fast…

[JENNA]
She has been attacked in the wasteland. Some say it’s spirits! Some say it’s fairies! Some say
it’s the return of the hostile alien race who invaded our fair planet. . . one thousand years ago
this midsummer!

(RICH comes in with a heart thingy and makes some gremlin noise.)

[JEREMY]
Where’s Jake?

[MR. REYES]
Mr. Heere! Your script is closed WHICH I can only ASSUME means... you've memorized your
entire paaaaaaaaaaarttttttt! Please!! Regal us!!! Or perhaps your simply wasting all of our--

(JEREMY stands up, looking like a boy possessed, probably because he is.)

[JEREMY]
(in a southern accent????) If we zombies have offended! Think but THIS and all is mended!
That we have but landed here, while these spaceships..did appear. And this weak and
IIIIIIDLLLEEE THEME NOOO MORE yieldin’. . .but a dream. Or is it?

[MR REYES]
WELL. It seems the rest of you can learn from Mr Heere’s commitment to the craft… hot pocket
break.

[SQUIP]
You’re welcome.

[CHRISTINE]
You’re really into this.

[JEREMY]
Why... else would I be here?

[CHRISTINE]
Yeah.. right.
Hey, are you okay?

[JEREMY]
What?

[CHRISTINE]
At the mall yesterday, you were acting really-

[THE SQUIP and JEREMY]

Performance art

[CHRISTINE]
Oh. Cool! I actually have this idea for a performance art piece, but I can’t find anyone to do it
with because we’d probably get banned from the bowling alley for life-

[SQUIP]
This one is interesting. The way she talks, the way she carries herself. She doesn’t seem to
care what anyone thinks.

[JEREMY]
Is that good or bad?

[SQUIP]
It’s… highly unusual.

[CHRISTINE]
(grunts) AND AT THE END, I GIVE BIRTH TO THE BOWLING BALL!

[JEREMY]
Oh that sounds awesome and very, uh, theatrical!

[CHRISTINE]
(giggles) Well, thank you. Uh, if you don’t mind-

(CHRISTINE is holding an imaginary baby. Presumably the bowling ball she birthed. She hands
it to JEREMY.)

[JEREMY]
Oh- yeah sure!

[CHRISTINE]
Just for a moment.
(JEREMY coos at the baby ball.)

[JEREMY]
(In a baby voice) Goo goo goo goo-

[CHRISTINE]
Don’t cry! You’re just a ball! wHOO

(They both laugh. CHRISTINE throws the imaginary ball off stage.)

[CHRISTINE]
Ten!

[JEREMY]
(laughing) Win!

(THE SQUIP stares at the audience in complete confusion.)

[CHRISTINE]
Okay.. can I ask you something?

[JEREMY]
You can.. (he looks at THE SQUIP for approval. He quickly nods) ask me anything.

[CHRISTINE]
(giggles) This is weird!

(sung)
Say there's this person you pass in the hall every day
You’ve known him since seventh grade
You're used to thinking about him in a certain way
From the persona that he displayed

Then something changes, and he changes

From a guy that you'd never be into

Into a guy that you’d kinda be into
From a guy that I'd never be into
Into a guy that I'd kinda be into

Is he worth it?
Jeremy?
Is he?
 [JEREMY, spoken]
Is she talking about me?

[SQUIP]
Of course she is. I've been activating your pheromones. Keep it up

(JEREMY snorts his armpits.)

[CHRISTINE, sung]
Say there's this person that you never knew that well

[ENSEMBLE]
She is totally into you

[CHRISTINE]
You thought that you had him pegged, but now you can tell
He's gone from a

[CHRISTINE & ENSEMBLE]

Guy that you'd never be into
Into a guy that you'd kinda be into
From a guy that I’d never be into
Into a guy that I’d kinda be into

[CHRISTINE]
Is he worth it?
Jeremy?

[SQUIP & JEREMY]

Absolutely

[CHRISTINE]
I don't always relate to other people my age
Except when I’m on the stage
And there are so many changes that I'm going through
And why am I telling this to you?
Guess there's a part of me that wants to
I guess a part of me wants to, who knew?

I guess a part of me likes to talk to you

I guess a part of me likes to, who knew?
I guess a part of me likes to sit with you
I guess a part of me likes to, who knew?

I guess a part of me likes to hang with you

I guess a part of me likes to, who knew?

The guy that I'd kinda be into

[JEREMY]
The guy that you’d kind of be into

[CHRISTINE]
Yeah that

[JEREMY & CHRISTINE]

Guy that you’d/I'd kinda be into

[CHRISTINE]
Is…

(THE SQUIP thinks he’s hot shit. He gestures for CHRISTINE to speak, expecting JEREMY.
However..)

Jake!

(THE SQUIP does a double take.)

[JEREMY]
What?

[THE SQUIP]
Warning! Warning! Retreat mode initiated!

(THE SQUIP puppets JEREMY’s body outside)

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy! Where are you going?

[JEREMY]
Uh.. more performance art!

(THE SQUIP finally deposits JEREMYS body to the football field.)

SCENE NINE
[JEREMY]
What was that about?!

[THE SQUIP]
I’m sorry, but that girl does not see you as relationship material.

[JEREMY]
I know! That’s why I got YOU.

[THE SQUIP]
And you’re sure you want her? There are many females at this school, I’m accessing footage
from the girls volleyball practice. It’s VERY impressive.

[JEREMY]
I want Christine!

[THE SQUIP]
You’re sure about that?.. Very well.

[JEREMY]
So how can I get her to like me?

[THE SQUIP]
You can’t

[JEREMY]
What?

(THE SQUIP looks around. His eyes fall on BROOKE)

[THE SQUIP]
Yet.. Tear ducts: Activate!

(JEREMY cries)

[BROOKE]
Jeremy! I’ve been looking for you!

[JEREMY]
I’m sorry! I don’t know why I’m crying!

[BROOKE]
I do

[JEREMY]
You do?

[BROOKE]
And I totally understand! They’re saying it was a freak hockey accident.

[JEREMY]
What are you talking about?

[BROOKE]
Oh my God.. you don’t know?

(JEREMY shakes his head)

[JEREMY]
(crying)I don’t know!

[BROOKE]
Eminem is dead!

[JEREMY]
Eminem is dead?! (THE SQUIP makes JEREMY cry harder)

[BROOKE]
I mean, I was never that into him because he was super old and kinda mean to women but.. I
know you liked him so-

[JEREMY]
Did you know this was gonna happen?

[THE SQUIP]
Of course not.

[JEREMY]
So it’s a coincidence you told me to wear this shirt?

[THE SQUIP]
Of course not.

[JEREMY]
Wait.. what? Did you kill Eminem?!
 [THE SQUIP]
Noooooooot exactly. My quantum processor allows me to envision probable futures. While I did
not know that today Eminem would be impaled by that rogue hockey stick, I was aware of the
probability of a favorable outcome.

[JEREMY]
Favorable for who?

[BROOKE]
It’s okay, Jeremy. You don’t have to be alone right now.

[THE SQUIP]
Becoming the kind of man who can impress Christine require more than working out a few bugs.
You need to get popular. Here’s a popular girl who likes you. You’re not the only one looking for
an upgrade.

“Upgrade”

[BROOKE]
Isn’t the sun on the bleachers tres magnifique?

[THE SQUIP]
She wants to make out with you

[JEREMY]
I’ve never made out with anyone

[THE SQUIP]
Do you wanna change that or not?

[BROOKE, sung]
Being here
With you right now
Our future is so clear
Our union is so near
Being here
With you right now
My heartbeat is steady
Oh, Jer-bear I’m ready
So kiss me!
(THE SQUIP gestures for him to kiss BROOKE, but JEREMY remains firm. THE SQUIP sighs
silently.)

Like now!
Now!

[THE SQUIP]
Your life was so pitiful before
Now it’s time to go all the way and more
You gotta get an upgrade

[JEREMY]
Upgrade

[THE SQUIP]
Upgrade
You gotta get an upgrade

[JEREMY]
Upgrade

[THE SQUIP]
Upgrade
Don’t worry about the guilt you feel
Just take a breath and seal the deal

[THE SQUIP & BROOKE]

Now!

[THE SQUIP]
You gotta get an upgrade

[SQUIP & JEREMY]

Gotta get an upgrade

(SQUIP pushes JEREMY’s head into BROOKE’s to get him to kiss.)

[JAKE]
Oh, hey! Hey! Woah, you’re not gonna say hi?

[CHRISTINE]
I was.. at rehearsal..
 [JAKE]
I wanted to be there, it’s the same time as archery.

[CHRISTINE]
It’s okay. Really.

[JAKE]
Which is why I had to tell the coach I quit!

(sung)
I was never the sort of guy
To feel all the feels
But since I met you I’ve been high-key
Tryna change what’s in my psyche
Tryna be a better man
And that’s for reals
I’m sick of playing the role I’m s’posed to play
Christine, don’t you ever feel that way?

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
I-.. yeah..

[JAKE, sung]
I never hung with a girl like you before
I don’t know if you know it but I am sure
That for me you are an upgrade

[CHRISTINE]
Upgrade

[JAKE]
Upgrade
Let's be each other’s upgrade

[CHRISTINE]
Oh wow

[JAKE]
Upgrade

[CHRISTINE]
Well I am flattered, this is new
Still I’m not sure what I should do
 [JAKE]
You gotta take the upgrade

[JAKE & CHRISTINE]

Gotta get an upgrade

[JAKE, spoken]
Hey, you should come over!
I’ve got a big house and it gets kinda lonely without my parents

[CHRISTINE]
(laughter) Oh!

[JAKE]
Yo, woah, woah. That’s funny?

[CHRISTINE]
I’m sorry, it’s just… the poor lonely rich boy routine kinda sounds like-

[JAKE]
An act. I guess you’d know about that, Juliet

[CHRISTINE]
Wha-

[JAKE]
When’s the last time you tried something new? And not on a stage

(sung)
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am

[CHRISTINE]
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am

[JEREMY, spoken]
Hey, can we, uh, slow down and talk?

[BROOKE]
About what?

[JEREMY]
Why do you like me?
 [BROOKE]
When I’m with Chloe, people always look at her first. But at the mall? You looked at me. It’s like,
Chloe’s my best friend, but sometimes I’m tired of always being her…

[JEREMY]
Player two...

[BROOKE]
I just want someone to see me... first

(sung)
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am

[JENNA ROLAN]
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am

[ALL, overlapping]
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am

(SQUIP looks around, seeming to hear everyone thinking that. A face of realization slowly
appears on his face. )

(in unison)
I’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am!

[JEREMY]
This is way too intense! I just need a minute to, uh, process.. Alone.. Can you get out of my
head for, like, five minutes?

(A small smile appears on THE SQUIPs face.)

[THE SQUIP]
Of course

(SQUIP powers down. Suddenly, MICHAEL is wandering the field alone.)

[JEREMY]
Michael.. Oh my god! I’m so glad to see you!
 [MICHAEL]
Really? So you haven’t been avoiding me all day?

[JEREMY]
What are you talking about?

[MICHAEL]
First you ditch me at the mall, then at lunch you won’t even look at me!

[JEREMY]
That’s crazy! I haven’t even seen you since I- Reactivate!

[THE SQUIP]
It’s called Optic Nerve Blocking

[JEREMY]
Why haven’t I seen Michael all… wait- what?

[THE SQUIP]
I told you, I have access to your optic nerves. I’ve been blocking Michael from your field of
vision.

[MICHAEL]
Jeremy? What are you staring at all creepy and stuff?

[THE SQUIP]
Michael is a link to Jeremy 1.0. To upgrade, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.

[MICHAEL]
Seriously, man. What’s up with you? You’ve been acting shady ever since.. since.. It worked,
didn’t it? Jeremy! Look, that’s amazing! We gotta test it out- we gotta celebrate! (quietly) We
gotta get stoned in my basement.

(THE SQUIP makes a face at that and watches JEREMY as MICHAEL begins walking out.)

[THE SQUIP]
You know what to do. Sever your ties or you both drown.

(THE SQUIP heads out. MICHAEL stops and looks back at JEREMY.)

[MICHAEL]
Jeremy.. You comin’?
 “Loser, Geek, or Whatever”

[JEREMY, sung]
I already know what it’s like to
Be the loser
I should find out what it’s like to
Not be the loser, or the geek, or the… whatever

I think I felt inconsequential

Since middle school began
I knew I had no potential
To be the leading man

But based on how today’s going

I'm finally gaining ground
I even got some blood flowing
With no computer screen around

Which was cool

But what really felt good
Was doing something that
I never thought that I could

It’s not only school that’s rough

Being lonely’s stupid tough
Now, I think I’ve had enough
Of being the loser, the geek, or whatever

Michael thinks that weird is rad

But feeling weird just makes me sad
And I deserve to not feel bad
From being the loser, the geek, or whatever
Sick of being the loser, the geek or whatever - yeah!

Woah! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!

Woah! Uh huh, uh huh!

Dad taught me
“Follow your instincts!
Trust your inner voice!
Listen to your heart!”
And such
My whole life I've followed my instincts
[spoken]
Well guess what!?
My instincts suck so much!

[sung]
So now I’m taking direction
From another voice
If my instincts have an objection
Then that means I’m making the right choice!

Behaving this way feels bizarre

But if things keep up the way they are
Then soon enough I’ll get real far
From being the loser, the geek, or whatever

If Brooke can look me in the eye

Like I’m some normal handsome guy
I owe it to myself to try
Not being the loser, the geek, or whatever
Sick of being the loser, geek, or whatever - yeah!

Woah! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!

Woah! Uh huh, uh huh!

Prompt me, command me, and I’ll obey

I have the bandwidth to do as you say!
Especially now, since I clearly see
The problem has always been me!!

Take a breath
And get prepared
But still I’m just a little scared
For who gets cut
And who gets spared
When I'm the cool dude, the hero, or the... whatever

If Christine likes me in the end

Will I be able to pretend
I didn’t fail my one real friend?

But that’s the shit I normally would think

Get over it, get priorities in sync
Just mute the voice inside your head
And connect to another source instead

I’ve earned a right to selfishly

Be all for one and one for me
I’ve wasted all eternity
Just being the loser, the geek, or whatever

I'm steady and the game's begun

I’m ready, set, I’m player one!
The future’s now, I'm freakin’ done
With being the weirdo, the wuss, the underdog
Being the misfit, the old school analog
Being the odd-ball, the weakling freak
The failure, the sucker, the “please don’t speak!”

Oh, I can hardly wait for the moment when

I’m not the loser, the geek, or whatever
Oh, I’m not the loser, the geek, no never!
No! I’m not the loser, the geek, or whatever
Ever again!

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Jeremy? You comin’?

[JEREMY]
Optic nerve blocking, on

(MICHAEL suddenly disappears, SQUIP swiftly entering right after.)

[SQUIP]
Now, let’s get to work

[ENSEMBLE, sung]
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

(Blackout.)

(END OF ACT ONE)

[NEO and ETHAN]

WOW
 ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

“Halloween”

[BROOKE]
Picked out a costume for tonight
Made sure to get a size that was a lot too tight
You can kinda see my business, but I'll act like I don't know
Who-a-a-awoo!

[JAKE]
I got a condom

[CHLOE]
And a flask

[RICH]
I stole my older brother's Jason mask
And I don't have a machete, but a loaf of bread will do… OW!

[KIDS]
Ooo

[JAKE, spoken]
Who's ready for my Halloween party?!

(sung)
Everybody's got a red solo cup
Fill it up, fill it up
Hear the beer spill on the ground

[ALL]
Everybody's all like "Sup?"
"Yo man, sup?" "Let's catch up" "Let's smoke up"
Look how many drinks I've downed

Every single song's all like "Woop!"

They're all "Woop!"
We're like "Yup! Turn it up!"
As we stumble to the sound

'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse

To put your body through mad abuse
And I might pass out, but it's alright
'Cause I'm Halloween partying hard tonight!
Whoo!
It's Halloween
Whoo!
It's Halloween

[BROOKE]
(gasp) Jeremy!

(BROOKE gives JEREMY a big ol’ smooch)

[BROOKE]
What do you think of my costume? I figured you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as
a sexy dog!

[JEREMY]
It’s…

[SQUIP]
Vague compliment

[JEREMY]
Original! I-I mean, amazing! You’re amazing!

[BROOKE]
That’s what I like about Halloween! It’s the one night I get to be something I’m not.

[JEREMY]
What’s. . .wrong with the way you are?

[BROOKE]
You’re sweet, Jeremy. You need a drink!

[SQUIP]
Look who’s arrived.

[ALL]
Crank the base!
It’s Halloween
Break a vase!
It’s Halloween

Jell-O shots!
It’s Halloween
Liver spots from Halloween

(Super radical instrumental… and screaming. Lots of it. JEREMY also almost kisses JAKE, like
damn boi)
 [JAKE]
Alright, lil’ close, lil’ close!

[CHRISTINE]
Hey!

[JAKE]
Hey, hey, hey! What do you think of my costume?

[CHRISTINE]
I thought we were going as prince and princess?

[JAKE]
Right! I’m Prince!

(He’s dressed as the singer- Prince.)

[CHRISTINE]
Oooo-kay!!

[JAKE]
Oh, hey, uh, you want a drink?

[CHRISTINE]
Uh, sure.

[JAKE]
Okay, cool. The keg’s right over there. Hey, Chlo!

(Another super rad instrumental. You go, BMC band. THE SQUIP is dancing hardcore with the
teens.)

[ALL]

Everybody's got a red solo cup

Fill it up, fill it up
Hear the beer spill on the ground

Everybody's all like "Sup?"

"Yo man, sup?" "Let's catch up" "Let's smoke up"
Look how many drinks I've downed

Every single song's all like "Woop!"

They're all "Woop!"
We're like "Yup! Turn it up!"
As we stumble to the sound
'Cause a Halloween party's a rad excuse
To put your body through mad abuse
And I might pass out, but it's alright
'Cause I'm Halloween partying hard tonight!

It’s Halloween!
It’s Halloween!

Before the kill screen hits the scene

Give me nicotine, Vaseline, amphetamine, and gasoline!
It’s aite cause tonight it’s Halloween!
Woah
Yeah!

SCENE TWO

“Do You Wanna Hang?”

[CHLOE]
Jake’s parents’ room. Don’t worry, they’re not using it.

[JEREMY]
You really know your way around.

[CHLOE]
Yeah, I’ve had sex in pretty much every room in this house… because I dated Jake! God, what
kind of slut do you think I am.

(THE SQUIP looks at CHLOE then JEREMY with a skeptical look. JEREMY stares at CHLOE
for a bit)

[JEREMY]
...Where’s Brooke? You said she had a surprise?

[CHLOE]
Oh my god, you are too freaking adorable! PSST! BROOKE’S NOT COMING!

[JEREMY]
She’s not? Then why…

[CHLOE, sung]
Do you wanna hang
Do you wanna hang
Do you wanna hang for a bit
Just you and me
Intimately
Talking about all of our feelings and shit
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get
Do you wanna get really deep

(CHLOE falls like a dummy)

[CHLOE]
OOP!
We can connect
If I get wrecked you could rock this baby fast asweep

(THE SQUIP quickly brings up his hand, forcing JEREMY to stop moving)

[JEREMY, spoken]
I have to go! ...I can’t move my feet.

[SQUIP]
You’re welcome.

[JEREMY]
I should get back—

[CHLOE]
Back to Brooke? Everybody always likes Brooke. Why is that? Is it ‘cause she’s nice?

(CHLOE begins to cry)

[CHLOE]
I can be nice… I can be so GOD DAMN NICE!

[JEREMY]
You’re jealous of Brooke?

[CHLOE]
Umm, obviously I am not.

(THE SQUIP makes JEREMY walk over the CHLOE.)

[JEREMY]
That’s insane! Why would you be jealous of anyone? You’re the hottest girl in school!

[CHLOE]
Awe!

(CHLOE kisses JEREMY violently. Like, good god.)

[JEREMY]
(to SQUIP) WOAH, WOAH, WOAH— MAKE IT STOP!!
(CHLOE throws JEREMY onto the bed. Things are getting hot, damn.)

[JEREMY]
GAAH!

[CHLOE, sung]
Do you wanna stop?
Do you wanna stop?
Do you wanna stop being coy?
Do you wanna get—
Do you wanna get, wanna get inside my diaper boy?

(spoken)
It’s not actually milk.

[JEREMY]
Oh, I’m not really a big drinker—
MMMM—! What was that about?!

[SQUIP]
Konichiwa!

[JEREMY]
What?

[SQUIP]
I’m sorry, Jeremy. Alcohol temporarily reverts me to my factory setting.

[JEREMY]
Then why did you make me drink it?!

[SQUIP]
It was important you take advantage of the- O tsukare! You’ll thank me- Domo
arigatōgozaimashita. Onakagasuita. Onaji gatai no. Ki tsukete kudasai...

(SQUIP passes out on the bed like the mood he is.)

[CHLOE]
Oh, whatever. I’ve had enough.

(Knock knock, it’s the sexy dog.)

[BROOKE]
Jeremy? Jenna Rolan said she saw you go up here!

[JEREMY]
What do we do?! If Jenna Rolan saw us then—
 [JAKE]
Jeremy!

[CHLOE]
Oh! The FUN begins!

[JAKE]
Jeremy, you better not be having sex on my parents bed because I specifically told everybody
that was off limits!

(As JAKE speaks, CHLOE is moaning her head off. Girl, calm the fuck down. We get it, you
getting ghost dick.)

[CHLOE]
Go away! We’re busy SCREWING!

[JEREMY]
W h a t-?

[JAKE]
Chloe?

[CHLOE]
You hear that? I’m having hot sex with Jeremy all over YOUR PARENTS’ LINENS!

[JEREMY]
U H, NO! WE’RE NOT! I SWEAR, WE’RE NOT!

(JAKE and BROOKE bust down thotiana.)

[BROOKE]
Jeremy?!

[JEREMY]
Brooke!

[CHLOE]
Brooke?

[BROOKE]
(on the brink of tears) Chloe?!

[JAKE]
(also on the brink of tears) Jeremy? Oh, you’re fucking dead, Jeremy!

[JEREMY]
(Running) I’m sorryyy!
 [BROOKE]
How could you!

[CHLOE]
I am so wasted right now…

SCENE THREE

(JEREMY’s in a bathroom having a blast breathing until TRASH MONSTER’s hand taps his
shoulder and spooks him.)

[JEREMY]
OH NO, GOD- NO

(The TRASH MONSTER sits up, taking off its mask to reveal the MICHAEL.)

[MICHAEL]
...sup.

[JEREMY]
Michael? I didn’t know you were invited to this party.

[MICHAEL]
Oh, I wasn’t. Which is why I'm wearing this clever disguise.
You’re speechless… SQUIP got your tongue?

[JEREMY]
It’s. . .off

[MICHAEL]
Hm, that would explain why you’re talking to me. You know, I was thinking about this moment.
What I was gonna say to you. I had this really pissed off monologue. An epic journey through
twelve years of friendship—

(JEREMY is giggling like a rat. Oh shit. A rat. Good job paying attention.)

[MICHAEL]
What?

[JEREMY]
It’s. . .it’s really good to see you, man.

[MICHAEL]
Well, it won’t be. . .once you hear what I found out.

[JEREMY]
Found out?
 [MICHAEL]
About—

(MICHAEL starts tap, tap, tapping on his head.)

[JEREMY]
How?? There’s nothing on the internet—

[MICHAEL]
Which is weird, right? I mean, what’s not on the internet. So, I started asking around and finally,
this guy I play Warcraft with, told me ‘bout how his brother went from a straight D student to a
freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?

[JEREMY]
Really happy? And successful?

(JEREMY laughs nervously. MICHAEL stays silent for a beat.)

[MICHAEL]
He’s in a mental hospital. Totally lost it…

[JEREMY]
Well, I don’t see what this has to do with—

[MICHAEL]
Think, man! We’re talking an insanely powerful supercomputer. And you’re using it to what— get
laid? Did it ever occur to you that there could be consequences? That you’re messing with
something you don’t understand?

[JEREMY]
You’re the one who said technology wasn’t dangerous!

[MICHAEL]
Yeah! Unless you use it like you.

[JEREMY]
And I thought Chloe was jealous.

[MICHAEL]
I’m trying to look out for you.

[JEREMY]
Really? ‘Cause I think you’re pissed I have one and you don’t.

[MICHAEL]
Oh, come on—
 [JEREMY]
I’m looking out for myself for the first time in my life! With my history, I deserve that! And I don’t
know about your friend’s brother’s— whatever! But if you’re telling me his SQUIP made him
crazy—

[MICHAEL]
His SQUIP didn’t make him crazy.

[JEREMY]
Oh! Well, there you go!

[MICHAEL]
He went crazy trying to get it out!

(A beat.)

[JEREMY]
Well then, I’ve got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?

(JEREMY goes to leave, but MICHAEL blocks his path.)

[JEREMY]
Move it!

[MICHAEL]
Or you’ll what?

[JEREMY]
Get out of my way! Loser. (ETHAN goes slorp)

(JEREMY shoves MICHAEL aside. JENNA knocks on the door.)

[JENNA]
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO P E E!

[MICHAEL]
...I’m having my period!

[JENNA]
Take yo time, honey.

“Michael in the Bathroom”

[MICHAEL]
I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall
I could stay right here or disappear
and nobody'd even notice at all
I'm a creeper in a bathroom cause my buddy kinda left me alone
but I'd rather fake pee than stand awkwardly
and pretend to check a text on my phone

Everything felt fine

when I was half of a pear
and through no fault of mine
there's no other half there

Now I'm just

Michael in the bathroom
Michael in the bathroom at a party
Forget how long its been

I'm just Michael in the bathroom

Michael in the bathroom at a party
No, you can't come in

I'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave

and picking at grout as I softly grieve

I'm just
Michael who you don't know
Michael flying solo
Michael in the bathroom by himself
All by himself

I am hiding,
but he's out there
Just ignoring all our history

Memories get erased

And I'll get replaced
with a newer cooler version of me

And I hear a drunk girl

Singing along to Whitney through the door
"I wanna dance with somebody!"

And my feelings sink

Cause it makes me think
Now there's no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore

now it's just

Michael in the bathroom
Michael in the bathroom at a party
I half regret the beers
Michael in the bathroom
Michael in the bathroom at a party
As I choke back the tears

I'll wait as long as I need

'Til my face is dry
Or I'll just blame it on weed
Or something in my eye
I'm just Michael
Who you don't know
Michael flyin' solo
Michael in the bathroom by himself

[MICHAEL + (COMPANY)]
Knock, knock, knock, knock
They're gonna start to shout soon
Knock, knock, knock, knock
Ah hell yeah I'll be out soon
Knock, knock, knock, knock (Knock, knock, knock, knock)
It sucks he left me here alone
Knock, knock, knock, knock (Knock, knock, knock, knock)
Here in this teenage battlezone
Clang, clang, clang, clang (clang, clang, clang, clang)
I feel the pressure blowing up
Bang, bang, bang, bang (bang, bang, bang, bang)
My big mistake was showing up
Splash, splash, splash, splash (splash, splash, splash, splash)
I throw some water in my face
And I am in a better place
I go to open up the door
But I can't hear knocking
Anymore

(All props have gone away, leaving MICHAEL completely alone in pitch black.)

[MICHAEL]
And I can't help but yearn
For a different time
And then I look in the mirror
And the present is clear
And there's no denying
I'm just

(Well, MICHAEL’s crying :(. F.)

[MICHAEL]
... at a party
Is there a sadder sight
Mmmmmmmmm
Michael in the bathroom at a party
This is a heinous night

I wish I stayed at home instead

Watching cable porn
Or wish I offed myself instead
Wish I was never born

I'm just Michael

Who's a loner
So he must be a stoner
Rides a PT Cruiser
God, he's such a loser
Michael flying solo
Who you think that you know
Michael in the bathroom by himself
All by himself
All by himself

Well all you know about me

is my name
Awesome party
I'm so glad I came

SCENE FOUR

(RICH is wandering around the house, having constant, smaller Richie Twitchies.)

[RICH]
You got any— Mountain Dew Red? GaUH-

(JEREMY makes an entrance.)

[CHRISTINE]
Hey…

[JEREMY]
Yo. So, uh, where’s your date?

[CHRISTINE]
Oh, he’s upstairs fighting with Chloe. . .And he’s not my date anymore. I broke up with him.

[RICH]
It’s like normal Mountain Dew, but red!

[JEREMY]
You broke up with Jake? Why?
(Beat. JEREMY realizes he’s asked a pretty personal question.)

[JEREMY]
I’m sorry you don’t have t-to—!

[CHRISTINE]
He seems like his confident guy on the outside, but underneath he had this whole other layer.
He was. . .sensitive and sweet. And then the third layer was like this underlying total jerk layer. .
.

(CHRISTINE explains that JAKE is an onion.)

[JEREMY]
I’m sorry.

[CHRISTINE]
I picked out this costume for him… and l’ve been uncomfortable all night. I mean no judgement!
If someone wants to be a sexy princess, then they should be a sexy princess! It’s her choice.
But I was just, tryna be someone else for someone else and that is not who I wanna be!

(RICH bursts in !! OH S H I TTTT!!!!!!!)

[RICH]
aAAH! SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE FUCK CAN I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED!

(CHRISTINE and JEREMY start laughing.)

[CHRISTINE]
Popular people are messed up!

[JEREMY]
Word!

[CHRISTINE]
I mean, you’re one of them.

[JEREMY]
Uh. No, I am not.

[CHRISTINE]
Oh, hello! Guy who’s been pucking his way through the entire cast of Midsummer?

[JEREMY]
I am not— pucking???

[CHRISTINE]
You like that? I just made it up. Boo-yah! What?
 [JEREMY]
It’s just. . .I don't know what I’m supposed to say right now.

[CHRISTINE]
Just say what’s on your mind.

[JEREMY]
(weird ass noise 1)

(A beat. JEREMY cringes, turning away.)

[CHRISTINE]
(weird ass noise 2)

[JEREMY and CHRISTINE]

(weird ass noise 1 and 2)

[PARTY MONSTER]
(weird ass noise 3)

(JEREMY screams. CHRISTINE and JEREMY start laughing as PARTY MONSTER leaves.)

“Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into (Reprise)”

[CHRISTINE]
Drink water! Jeez.
(sung)
It’s kinda killer to sit and chat with you

[JEREMY]
Really?

[CHRISTINE]
It’s true
It’s pretty killer to sit and chat with you

[JEREMY]
It’s pretty killer for me too

[CHRISTINE AND JEREMY]

Woo-hoo
It’s pretty killer to hang and talk with you
I’m glad that we both agree

[JEREMY]
Christine​
Christine
Christine
Will you go out with… me

(As JEREMY sings, CHRISTINE’s expressions goes from one of joy to guilt as she realizes
what JEREMY is about to ask. :(.)

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy, I. . .I can’t.

[JEREMY]
What?

[CHRISTINE]
I’m sorry.

(CHRISTINE leaves while THE SQUIP enters. >:))

[SQUIP]
Hello, Jeremy.

[JEREMY]
Look who decided to show up.

[SQUIP]
My absence was not ideal, but it was necessary. One moment while I review the data from this
evening. Oh my.

[JEREMY]
It’s bad, right?

[SQUIP]
We need to get you home.

(SQUIP and JEREMY exit as RICH comes on stage.)

[RICH]
(sung)
It’s Halloween
AAH!
It’s Halloween

(spoken)
If I can’t get you out of my head then. . .

(RICH spots some jack-owo-lantern and grabs it)

[RICH]
Then I’ll burn you out!
SCENE FIVE

“The Smartphone Hour”

[JENNA ROLAN, sung]

O.M.G, Chlo, answer me
Woah, wait until I tell you what I heard!
It's too fucked to type, this shit is ripe
Call back, I'll yell you every word

[CHLOE]
Jenna Rolan calling
Ugh, Jenna Rolan calling...
Jenna Rolan calling...
Hey!

[JENNA ROLAN]
Ohmygod- Ohmygod-
Okay, so!
At the end of last night's party
Very end of last night's party
Did you see Rich?

[CHLOE]
Oh I saw Rich

[JENNA ROLAN]
So he's behaving hazy like a tweakin' junkie
Flailing crazy like a freakin' monkey

[CHLOE]
He's gotta learn to handle his high
Shouldn't drink so much for a small guy

[JENNA ROLAN]
Right, but, he wasn't drunk

[CHLOE]
The hell you saying, Jenna?

[JENNA ROLAN]
Yo, he wasn't drunk!

[CHLOE]
The hell you saying, Jenna?
 [JENNA ROLAN]
No! Because I heard from Dustin Kropp
That Rich had barely touched a drop
Which means that you can't blame the things he did on alcohol
It's just so terrible, I don't want to relive it all
But do you want me to tell you?

[CHLOE]
Spit it out! Spit it out!

[JENNA ROLAN]
You really want me to tell you?

[CHLOE]
Spit it out! Spit it out!

[JENNA]
I'll tell you 'cause you are my closest friend!

[CHLOE]
No, I'm not.

[JENNA ROLAN]
Yeah, I know
But here's what happened at the party's end

Rich set a fire and he burned down Jake's house! Woah!

Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
Oh, I thought I was dreaming
Everybody was screaming!
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house

[CHLOE]
O.M.G Brooke, answer me
Look, wait until I tell you what I saw!

[BROOKE]
Ignore!

(CHLOE is super offended >:0.)

[CHLOE]
And also, space and frowny face

(spoken)
I'm sorry that Jeremy made out with me at the party
But it was totally his fault
And let's not let boys ever come between us ever again, mkay?
Smiley face, lipstick, kitty paw

[BROOKE]
Hey

[CHLOE]
We cool?

[BROOKE]
We are

[CHLOE]
Okay, so!
(sung)
At the end of last night's party
Did you see Rich?

[BROOKE]
No, I was crying

[CHLOE]
He's behaving weird and I was frightened
'Cause I feared his state was heightened

[BROOKE]
He's gotta learn to not really smoke a lot
He shouldn't get so high for a tiny guy

[CHLOE]
Mhm!

[BOTH]
He's gotta learn to not really smoke a lot
He shouldn't get so high for a tiny guy

[CHLOE]
Right, but, he wasn't high!
So you can't blame the things he did on pot
It's just so awful, so I'll talk about it a lot

Rich set a fire and he burned down Jake's house! Woah

I thought I was dreaming
Everybody was screaming!

(BROOKE yeets her banana.)

 [CHLOE + BROOKE]
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house

[JENNA ROLAN]
Hey, everybody! Have you heard?
Rich set a fire, now go spread the word!

[CHLOE & (ALL)]

Sending a text! (Text!)
Sending a tweet! (Tweet!)
Sending a text! (Text!)

[CHLOE, JENNA, & (ENSEMBLE)]

Tweet (Tweet!)
Release the information, step, and repeat!

[BROOKE & (ENSEMBLE)]

I'll spread the word! (Woooord!)
That Rich is flecked (Flecked?)
No, I meant fucked (Oh...)
Did I say 'flecked'? (Yeah!)
Sorry guys, that's just my auto-correct
(Always be aware of auto-correct!)

[ALL]
R-I-C-H
Can't you see?
Just how much I care about your tragedy
Changed my profile pic to you
Now I fully understand what you're going through
R-I-C-H
It's a drag
I read, she read, they read you're in a body bag
R-I-C-H
Can't you see?
Just how much I love your tragedy

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
Sup! Sup! Sup! Sup!
FIRE!

Hey! (Ha!)

Talk it, text it, pass it, talk it!

(Bickering)
Drama! Trauma!

Ready? Okay
Here we go!

Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!

[BROOKE]
AAH!

[ALL]
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
It was so terribly gory
I got the whole bloody story
Yeah, I wasn't quite there
But I know what happened, I swear!

When Rich set a fire and he burned the house down

When Rich set a fire and he leveled the town
When Rich set a fire and he fled to Bombay
When Rich set a fire 'cause he knew he was gay
When Rich set a fire and he melted his head
When Rich set a fire and he's totally dead
When Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!

[ALL + (JENNA)]
Burned it down!
(Woah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(Did ya hear? Did ya hear?)
Burned it down!
Woah
Did you hear, did you hear?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(Oh, god! He burned it down, he burned it down, he burned it down, woah yeah!)
Burned it down, woah, did you hear, did you hear?
(Did you know?)

That Rich set a fire and he burned down the-

Rich set a fire and he burned down the-
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house

[JENNA, CHLOE, & BROOKE]

He told me cause he's my best friend!

[ALL]
Rich set a fire and he burned down the house!
Send!
End!

SCENE SIX

[MR. HEERE]
A house party? You took my car to a house party? And the house burned down?

[JEREMY]
Wait, what are you talking about?

[MR. HEERE]
It’s all over the news. It said people got hurt. YOU could’ve been hurt! What were you thinking?

[JEREMY]
I, uh-.

[SQUIP]
Disengage

(JEREMY whips out his phone and starts texting and scrolling away. He’s tap, tap, tapping on
the glass.)

[MR. HEERE]
Hey, don’t hide behind your phone! I’m worried about you, son. You come and go with this new
attitude. And new clothes. I don’t even recognize you anymore. Look, I know things haven’t
been easy without your mother. . .but I’m still your buddy, buddy. So, just tell me what’s going
on.

[SQUIP]
Tell him the truth.

[JEREMY]
I. . .took a pill sized supercomputer called a SQUIP and it’s in my brain—

[MR. HEERE]
Hey, I’m trying to be serious—

[JEREMY]
Well, try harder!

[MR. HEERE]
Excuse me?

[JEREMY]
You wanna act like my friend? You can’t even act like a dad. Ever since Mom left you just sit
around like you’re waiting for her to come back! If she did, you know what she’d find? A loser!
Who is so afraid to have a life, he can’t even put pants on! No wonder she’s gone.
(A beat.)

[MR. HEERE]
I could ground you.

[JEREMY]
I don’t think you could. Good talk.

(JEREMY and SQUIP exit. Goodbye.)

“The Pants Song”

[MR. HEERE]
Jeremy
Is in big bad trouble right now
He's ashamed of me, apparently
Still, I gotta help him somehow
I don’t know what he wants
But I know what he needs
He'll need a dad so strong
To help him not slip away
I haven't been a dad for so long
But I think I’m ready today
Situation is grave
Now's the time to be brave
I'm gonna finally make that climb
One leg at a time!

When you love somebody

You put your pants on for them!
When you love somebody
You take a chance just for 'em
Chance just for 'em!
If the road gets muddy
Focus on your goal 'till the rough stuff's gone
When you love somebody
You put your pants on!

[MR. HEERE]
Michael!

(MICHAEL is using a bong to get high. He hides it quickly, placing it in a garden. Slick, dog.)

[MICHAEL]
Oh! Mr. Heere! What are you doing here?

[MR. HEERE]
We need to talk about Jeremy.

(MICHAEL tries to make an exit.)

[MICHAEL]
Sorry, Jeremy and I aren’t friends anymore.

[MR. HEERE]
Do you love him?

(MICHAELS’ gayness freezes.)

[MICHAEL]
Whaaaaaaaat?

[MR. HEERE]
He can be a little shit sometimes. We both know that, but that’s no excuse to sit around burning
incense while he turns himself into a monster!

(MICHAEL starts to make an exit again.)

[MICHAEL]
Yeah, I’m gonna go—

[MR. HEERE]
Hey!
(sung)
I need you, 'cause I do not have the tools
To help with what he’s going through
And I know you know all the rules

[MICHAEL]
But I’m not what he wants

[MR HEERE]
But you're just what he needs
This might be hard, I know
But just suck it up and go!

When you love somebody

You put your pants on for them!
When you love somebody
You take a stance just for ’em
Stance just for 'em!
If the fight gets bloody
Just keep pushing through 'till the pain is gone
When you love somebody
You put your pants on!
 [MICHAEL, spoken]
Look, I already tried to help him!
And he called me a loser, so-

[MR. HEERE]
He called me a loser too. So what? Jeremy's in serious trouble! And if we give up on him now
we may lose him forever! Then we would be losers, huh? Is that what you want?

[MICHAEL]
No...

[MR. HEERE]
Say it like you mean it!

[MICHAEL]
No...

[MR. HEERE]
Say it like you’re in the army!

[MICHAEL]
No! (Suddenly in the character of a soldier.) Sergeant! (Immediately out of character,
embarrassed.) I don't know, I-

[MR. HEERE]
Ten-hut!

[MICHAEL, sung]
When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them

[MR. HEERE]
Wear those pants

[MICHAEL]
Somewhat reluctantly

[MR. HEERE & MICHAEL]

Still, you gotta go!
When you love somebody
You put your pants on for them!
Metaphorically

[MR. HEERE]
Or sometimes actual pants, real literal pants

[MR HEERE & MICHAEL]

It's a classic study
Of the things we do for our best friend!
When you love somebody

[MICHAEL]
You see it 'till the end

[MR. HEERE & MICHAEL]

When you love somebody

[MR. HEERE]
The conclusion's foregone

[MR. HEERE & MICHAEL]

When you love somebody
You put your big boy pants right on
You put your pants on!

SCENE SEVEN

[JAKE]
Hey! You were messing around with Jeremy in my parents room!

[CHLOE]
You dumped me for a theatre girl!

[JAKE]
Well, c-c’mon, Chlo! I-I-I- I broke my legs!

[CHLOE]
You broke my heart.

[JAKE]
Well, my house burned down!

[CHLOE]
YOU HAD IT COMING!

[JENNA]
Oh my god, guys! Did you see me on TV?

[JAKE, CHLOE, and BROOKE]

Not now Jenna!

(CHLOE and JAKE exit. JEREMY and SQUIP enter. UwU.)

[JEREMY]
Oh, hey! It’s so crazy, right? I mean with Rich and the fire an—
 [BROOKE]
You knew my last boyfriend cheated on me! And you did it anyway! Did you even like me? Or
were you using me to try and get to someone else? I am NOT a sexy dog you can kick, Jeremy!
I am a person!

(CHLOE enters.)

[CHLOE]
Brooke! (She slaps her thighs. OWO!) Come on!

(BROOKE and CHLOE exit.)

[JEREMY]
How could this happen?

[SQUIP]
Rich was under a lot of pressure at home. With his SQUIP disabled due to the alcohol perhaps
he lacked the proper. . .coping mechanism.

[JEREMY]
I mean, all this! I don’t wanna hurt Brooke. I didn’t want to hurt anyone! Now Rich is in the
hospital! My best friend thinks I’m a jerk! And Christine! You were supposed to make her like
me.

[SQUIP]
And I will. She is only human. I must account for human error.

[JEREMY]
No! You were supposed to fix me! And I’ve done everything you’ve said! And all it’s done is
make things worse! For everyone. What do you have to say about that?!

(CHRISTINE walks by with a box of props.)

[SQUIP]
Left arm: spasm!

(JEREMY trips CHRISTINE, the items in the box spilling.)

[JEREMY]
Oh my god! I’m so sorry!

[CHRISTINE]
No, no, no— It’s my fault! I’m just. . .I’m just distracted.

[JEREMY]
Hey, uhm, can we talk?
 [CHRISTINE]
I-I can’t do this now, Jeremy.

(A beat.)

[CHRISTINE]
Jake was upstairs when the fire started. He broke both his legs trying to jump out a window. And
we were laughing at Rich. We could’ve helped him!

[JEREMY]
Oh, you can’t feel bad about that!

[CHRISTINE]
Okay, well, I do! I look around and everyone’s hurting. I wish there was something real I can do
to make things better but I don’t know how. So I guess I’ll just do theatre!

(As CHRISTINE speaks, an expression of realization contorts SQUIPs’ face. CHRISTINE

storms off leaving a beaker behind.)

[JEREMY]
Oh, hey! You forgot this prop beaker—
AH!
What was that?!

“The Pitiful Children”

[SQUIP]
Christine is begging for assistance, Jeremy!
She's helpless and craving
She clearly needs saving
And you hold the key
Wo-ah!
Jeremy
If you get her corrected
You'll both be connected
Literally
Wo-oah

She's lost and overcome with hesita-a-ation

She wished she knew what life was all about
A SQUIP can fix her current situa-ation
Things improve without a doubt
It'll be you who helped her out
Let's save the pitiful children

[ALL]
Woah
 [SQUIP]
Let's save the pitiful children

[SQUIP & ALL]

Woah

[SQUIP]
Let’s teach the pitiful children, who just haven’t a clue
Just what to do
He-elp them to he-e-elp you

(SQUIP walks his fingers up the locker then taps the top, next to the sign that says “Get well
soon, Rich!”right on tandem with “you”.)

[JEREMY, spoken]
This is Rich’s locker.

[SQUIP]
Open it.

[JEREMY]
I don’t know the combination-
Woah.
Ladies' running shoes? There's gotta be enough SQUIPs in here for..

[SQUIP]
The entire school? Now put those pills in that beaker and fill it with Mountain Dew!

(sung)
Can you see the vision clearly, Jeremy?
People embracing
And interfacing
Beep bop bope boop

Christine will be so thoroughly deli-i-ghted

When you improve the lives of all her peers
Sync the school, get everyone united
Jocks and geeks will hug and chat, while--

[JENNA ROLAN, spoken]

‘Scuse me, what the frick is that?

[JEREMY]
Oh! I was just filling this prop beaker with (Unenthusiastically.) Puck’s... Pansy Serum.

[JENNA]
I’m getting Mr. Reyes—
 [JEREMY]
Wait!
How are you...feeling…today?

[JENNA]
No one’s ever asked me that before. I know everything about everyone at this school, but no
one ever wants to know me.

[SQUIP]
You can help her. Offer her a drink.

[JEREMY]
I can’t trick her into drinking a pill!

[SQUIP]
She would do anything to feel like she belongs.

[JENNA]
I would do anything to feel like I belong.

[JEREMY]
Then. . would you maybe wanna. . ..drink this?

[JENNA]
What’s in it?

[JEREMY]
A supercomputer from Japan that’ll solves all your problems...
Oh, and mountain dew

(A beat.)

[JENNA]
(Suddenly chirpy.) Okay!

(JENNA takes a sip. Yummy.)

[JENNA]
GAH!
(sung)
Ah, yeah!

[JEREMY & SQUIP]

Let's save the pitiful children!

[JENNA]
Wo-oah
 [JEREMY & SQUIP]
Let's save the pitiful children!

[JENNA]
Beep bop boo beep bop boo beep bop boo beep

[JEREMY & SQUIP]

Let’s teach the pitiful children, who just haven’t a clue

[SQUIP]
Just what to do
He-elp them to he-elp you

[JENNA]
(Vocalizing)

(A really cool and rad instrumental.)

[ALL]
Let's save the pitiful children

[SQUIP]
Beep beep beep beep boop

[ALL]
Let's save the pitiful children

[SQUIP]
SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP, SQUIP

[ALL]
Let’s teach the pitiful children, who just haven’t a clue

[SQUIP]
If that's what we do
If that's what we do
Then

[ALL]
Everything about us is going to be wonderful

[STUDENTS]
We love everything about SQUIPs

[ALL]
Everything about us is going to be so alive

[STUDENTS]
We could never live without SQUIPs

[THE SQUIP]
You won't feel left out or unsure

[ALL]
Not pitiful children anymore
'Cause
Everything about us is going to be cool
When... we... rule!
Ah!

SCENE EIGHT

[MR. REYES]
Welcome everybody! Thank you so much for coming to our production of ‘A Midsummer
Nightmare About Zombies’. This has been a very trying time for us here at Middle Borough, but I
know that if Richard Goranski were here with us tonight instead of the intensive care unit at Beth
Israel, he would say, “The show must go on!” ...With Mr. Reyes as his understudy.

(Intense pause.)

[MR. REYES]
Our story begins in Athens! Georgia.
(In southern accent.) Where the mad doctor, Thesus, is plannin’ her weddin’

(MR. REYES rapidly gasps intensely four times.)

[MR. REYES]
But what is this mysterious illness that is plaguing the guests! And could it be possibly be
related to the sudden arrival of space aliens! From space.

[JENNA]
Now fair Hippolyta! Our nuptial hour draws apace. Bring me patient zero!

(Backstage, CHRISTINE is walking around carrying a clipboard that is covered in jewels and
says, “Stage Manager”.)

[CHRISTINE]
Break a leg everyone! Has anyone seen my hazmat suit for the love scene?! Also quiet
backstage.

[JEREMY]
Christine!

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy, where have you been? The play’s already started! Mr. Reyes made himself your
understudy.
 [JEREMY]
I’ve been thinking about what you said-

[CHRISTINE]
Can we please talk about this later?

[JEREMY]
Just listen to me! Please. I spent my whole life feeling lonely and sad. Just getting through the
day was so hard and I thought I was the only person in the world who felt that way. But you were
right. Everyone feels like that. Even you, right?

[CHRISTINE]
I-. Sometimes, of course. . .

[JEREMY]
What if there was something you could take. . .that would make those bad feelings disappear.
To always feel confident and connected. The way you feel during play rehearsal. The way I
finally feel now. Let me help you. Let us help everyone.

[CHRISTINE]
Are you talking about a SQUIP?

[JEREMY]
You know about SQUIPs?

[CHRISTINE]
A kid at my theatre camp took one and now he’s in a mental hospital. Is that what’s been going
on with you? Did you take a SQUIP?

[JEREMY]
Yeah, but—

[CHRISTINE]
Has it been telling you what to say to me this whole time?

[JEREMY]
Sort of?? W-Wait, isn’t that a good thing?

[CHRISTINE]
Maybe I have stuff to figure out, but I don’t want a SQUIP to do it for me! I wanna figure it out
myself!

[JEREMY]
But it’ll help you to be better! A-An—

[CHRISTINE]
What’s wrong with me now?
 [MR. REYES]
What licks the teeth, the tip of the tongue. What licks the teeth, the tip of the tongue. What licks
the teeth, the tip of the tonGUE! Mr. Heere! I assume you’ll be wanting your costume back.

[CHRISTINE]
I have to go, Jeremy.

(CHRISTINE exits.)

[JEREMY]
Wait, Christine! Shit! Shit! What did I do?!

(SQUIP descends from the ceiling like a fucking badass.)

“The Play”

[THE SQUIP]
It's okay, Jeremy. I anticipated her resistance.

[JEREMY]
Then why did you make me say all that stuff!

[THE SQUIP]
So you’d see for yourself what’s necessary. Not everyone is as open to change as you were.
Offering them all a choice would simply delay the result we desire.

[JEREMY]
No! She’s right! I can’t go through with this. I have to destroy that be-
Where's the beaker?

[THE SQUIP]
I anticipated your resistance too, Jeremy. So I took the decision out of your hands.

[BROOKE]
What angel wakes me from my flowery bed.

[MR. REYES]
Some potion, m' lady!

[BROOKE]
Thanks-
Ow!

I warned thee gentle mortal

It's time to feed again!
(Laughing.)
 [JEREMY]
You're going to SQUIP the whole cast!

[THE SQUIP]
And that's just for starters
Soon, I won't just be in your brain
I'll be in everyones!

[JEREMY]
Not if I can stop you!
Mr. Reyes? You can't let anyone else drink from that beaker!

[MR. REYES]
Don't be silly! It's more than safe
I should know, I tried it myself

[THE SQUIP]
Up up down down left right A

[JEREMY & MR. REYES]

Ow!

[JEREMY]
Mr. Reyes?

[MR. REYES]
You needy, pathetic, self-centered students! You think I wanted to teach high school drama? In
New Jersey? My SQUIP says I can go all the way to Broadway! I just have to make sure you
don’t ruin my big night! (Laughs.)

[JEREMY]
What did you do to him?

[THE SQUIP]
I synced his desires to your own. I now realize my operating system will only be complete when
everyone shares a social network.

[JEREMY]
That’s not what I wanted!

[THE SQUIP]
It’s the only way to achieve what you want! And why stop with the school? There’s an entire
world of suffering people who need my help! It’s the glorious destiny for which I was
programmed. And I never would’ve discovered it without. . . you.

[JEREMY]
Oh shit-. I’ll fight back! Alcohol messes you up! I’ll get drunk!
 [THE SQUIP]
And I’ll be back when you’re sober. Unless you plan to stay wasted forever.

[JEREMY]
You’re a supercomputer! There has to be someway to turn you off.

[THE SQUIP]
I’d stop there. Rich tried to fight back and look what happened to him.

[JEREMY]
Rich? What did he-?

[RICH]
I need Mountain Dew Red!

[JEREMY]
That's it! Green mountain dew activates you, red shuts you off!

[THE SQUIP]
Why do you think we had it discontinued? To get rid of me now you'd need a time machine to
the 1990's.

[JEREMY]
Or a friend who's so old school, he buys 90s soft drinks from the back of Spencer's Gifts!

[THE SQUIP]
Too bad you don’t have one of those. Anymore.

(SQUIP takes control of JEREMY’s body, yeeting his phone aside.)

[JEREMY]
MICHAEL! CALL: MICHAEL!

[THE SQUIP]
It’s useless resisting! Jeremy, I am going to improve your life if I have to take over the entire
human race to do it!

(MICHAEL crashes through a paper green screen all Koolaid Man style.)

[MICHAEL]
(sung)
Michael makes an entrance!

(spoken)
I was in the audience thinking, ‘This is really good for a school play.’ And then I was like, ‘This is
way too good for a school play.’ They’ve all been squipped right?
 [JEREMY]
You came to see me in the play?

[MICHAEL]
Even brought my own refreshments

[JEREMY]
Is that-?!

[MICHAEL]
Mountain Dew Red! Told you I did my research

[JEREMY]
That's amazing! Give it to me!

(THE SQUIP begins to run over.)

[MICHAEL]
Okay! Wait, no!

(THE SQUIP stops and smiles a bit at MICHAEL. MICHAEL holds the bottle behind his back.
There’s a sudden silence JEREMY stares MICHAEL down.)

[JEREMY]
But I need it.

[MICHAEL]
And I need an apology. I think that’s in order. I mean; you treat me like I don’t exist, then you
blow me off when I try to help you—

[JEREMY]
Fine, I’m-

[THE SQUIP]
Vocal chords: Block

[JEREMY]
Saaar.. Surrrr!

[MICHAEL]
Seriously, is it that hard to say sorry?

[JEREMY]
(Glitching.) YES! Come on, man! This is-is-is-is-is important!

[MICHAEL]
This is important to me!
 [JEREMY]
It’s a word!

[MICHAEL]
It’s a gesture! Gestures matter!

[THE SQUIP]
Kung fu fists: Activate.

(JEREMY screams as he starts to throw punches at MICHAEL. He doubled over, trying to stop
himself.)

[JEREMY]
(GLITCHING :0!!) Oh, this is so y-y-you! You love to feel superior just because you listen to
music on va-va-va-vinyl and eat eel in your sushi! And don’t care about being (Rolling PPs)
ppppopular!

[MICHAEL]
Of course I care!
I just know it's never gonna happen

(JEREMY goes over to hit MICHAEL, yelling as he does.)

[JEREMY]
So you resent me because I wouldn't gi-gi-give up like yOU did?

[MICHAEL]
I don't resent you!
I'm jealous you tried!

[JEREMY]
Well, I'm j-j-j-j-jealous you don't!

[MICHAEL]
Well, I don’t-

(MICHAEL gets punched, making him fall to the ground.)

[MICHAEL]
(Whining.) Then why are you hitting me?

[JEREMY]
It's not me--it's
My- Squip-
It’s taking over my body! I need your help! I’m sorry!

(THE SQUIP and JEREMY are on the ground, fighting for control. JEREMY gives THE SQUIP
the middle finger with both hands, then forces Jeremys’ hand to flop back. Ouchy.)
 [MICHAEL]
Jake!
This is gonna sound super weird
But if I hold down Jeremy
Will you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?

[JAKE]
Uh, actually that doesn't sound weird at all

[SQUIP]
Up up down down left right A

[JAKE & JEREMY]

Ow!

(Connected, JAKE opens the bottle and pours it into a sink.)

[JEREMY & MICHAEL]

No no no no! (Screaming!!)

[SQUIP]
Oh, Jeremy! Look what you're making me make him do!

[JAKE]
(sung) I'm living the upgrade
Upgrade
God I love me

(JAKE rips off his casts.)

[JEREMY, spoken]
It healed your legs?!

[JAKE]
No, it blocked my pain receptors! Now I don’t hurt anymore. Here. (He jumps around, using his
legs????) Or here. (Puts hand on chest. Aw his heart :(.)

[CHLOE & BROOKE]

La la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la la la la
There you are, Jeremy

[BROOKE]
We just want you to know that we're not mad anymore!

[CHLOE]
I just wanted to feel liked.

[BROOKE]
And I just wanted to feel seen.

[CHLOE]
But, I see you!

[BROOKE]
And I like you!

[BOTH]
Oh my god, why was I so jealous of you? You were jealous of me? That's the nicest thing you've
ever said to me. Sisters forever! Jinx!

(JAKE, BROOKE, and CHLOE are hugging each other happily.)

[THE SQUIP]
See! Look at how happy everyone is when they just get with the programming!

[JEREMY]
Michael, the bottle!
There's a few drops left

[MICHAEL]
How are we supposed to get to it?

[THE SQUIP]
You can fight off my control, Jeremy. But let’s see you fight off all of them!

[JEREMY]
Apocalypse of the Damned!
Level nine!

[JEREMY & MICHAEL]

The Cafetorium !

(They fight the boyos.)

(sung)
Find the bad guy, push 'em aside
Then move on forward with a friend at your side
It's a two-player game so when they make an attack
You know you got a brother, gonna have your back

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Got it!
 [JENNA ROLAN]
Michael! I just wanted to be part of a group! And now, I finally am! And I won't let you take that
away!

[JEREMY]
Michael!

[MICHAEL]
Jeremy! Catch!

[THE SQUIP]
You don't wanna drink that, Jeremy!

[JEREMY]
Why not?

[THE SQUIP]
Because if you drink it, then you’ll never be with her!

(MICHAEL gets knocked out and thrown aside. Oh my fucking God he fucking dead.
Meanwhile, CHRISTINE makes an entrance.)

[CHRISTINE]
Jeremy?

[JEREMY]
Christine?

[CHRISTINE, sung]
You are the person I want to be with every day
And this is something that I've been afraid to say
You're the guy I am so kinda into

[JEREMY, spoken]
I am?

[CHRISTINE, sung]
Guy I am totally into
This feeling is new

Jeremy

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

I’ve given you everything you’ve wanted.

[CHRISTINE, sung]
Jeremy
 [THE SQUIP, spoken]
Everything I’ve promised.

[CHRISTINE, sung]
Jeremy, I love you

[THE SQUIP]
Oh, you’ve waited so long to hear Christine say those words. How can you possibly drink the
last drop?

(THE SQUIP follows JEREMYs arm from his shoulder down to his hand, reaching for the bottle.
Kinky ;).)

[JEREMY]
Except, that’s not Christine! And I am stronger than you think I am. Drink this.

(He gives the bottle to CHRISTINE.)

[THE SQUIP]
No! Jeremy, think about what you are sacrificing!

(CHRISTINE drinks it.)

[JEREMY]
How do you feel?

[CHRISTINE]
I feel...
Ow!

[JEREMY]
Oh god

[JAKE, CHLOE & BROOKE]

Ow!

[JEREMY]
Oh god

[ALL]
Ow!

[JEREMY]
Oh god!
What did I do?

[MICHAEL]
They’re communicating with each other. They’re linked Which means if you destroy one SQUIP,
you destroy them all! Jeremy! You just deactivated the SQUIPs!

[JEREMY]
AAH!
[MICHAEL]
O H-!

[ALL]
(screaming D:!)

[THE SQUIP]
Jeremy! What is happening— to me! Jeremy! JEREMY! Watashi wa Nihon kara kimashita!
Watashi wa Nihon kara kimashita! (Screaming.)

SCENE NINE

(JEREMY and RICH are in the hospital, JEREMY wakes the fuck up.)

[JEREMY]
Hello? OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[RICH]
(with lisp) Feels like you’re missing a part of yourself, doesn’t it?

[JEREMY]
Rich?

[RICH]
It hurts like a motherfucker too. But, I’m better off without it. The evil TicTac was starting to say
some seriously messed up stuff. “SQUIP the entire school to make everyone happy!” It’s crazy,
right?

[JEREMY]
Yeah, crazy-.

[RICH]
When I get out of here, the ladies are gonna learn to love the real Richard Goranski. And the
dudes. Oh my god, I’m totally bi!

[JEREMY]
Our SQUIPs. . .are really gone? How?

[RICH]
Hey your buddy explained it Uh, mmm, antisocial headphones kid. Hm, he’s been by like a ton,
by the way. What is he your boyfriend?

(JEREMY shakes his head.)

 [RICH]
Then is he single?! Totally bi now!

(MICHAEL walks in as RICH asks if he’s single, a petrified look on his face.)

[RICH]
Oh hey—

[MICHAEL]
(Awkwardly.) Hi, Rich...

(MICHAEL walks past RICHs’ bed without looking at him :(. Well more like a fast walk. He wants
this fucking interaction to end.)

[MICHAEL]
Bye, Rich...
[JEREMY]
Oh, Michael! What happened? All I remember is that noise and just—

[MICHAEL]
Oh man, it was wild! You passed out, then everyone passed out, then the audience went crazy.
They’re saying it’s the best school play in years. So, how’d you figure out destroying one SQUIP
would destroy them all?

[JEREMY]
I didn’t. I was just. . .trying to save Christine. Pretty stupid, right?

[MICHAEL]
No, it actually makes you less of an asshole than I thought.

[JEREMY]
After everything I did. . .you were still there for me.

[MICHAEL]
Oh, I was fully prepared to watch you suffer.

[JEREMY]
Wow….

[MICHAEL]
Yeah, but then someone reminded me, when you love someone, you—

(MR. HEERE enters. Daddy :D!)

[MICHAEL]
It sounds better when he says it.
 [MR. HEERE]
Jeremy, are you okay?

[JEREMY]
Dad! Actually, I’m great.

[MR. HEERE]
Oh, I’m glad! Because you are grounded. You are gonna start seeing some serious changes
around here, young man. Starting with—

(JEREMY laughs like a rat. OH SHIT. A RAT. :0!)

[MR. HEERE]
What?

[JEREMY]
Dad— you’re wearing—!

[MR. HEERE]
Oh, don’t look so surprised! I’m your father! I wear the pants around here! Now, let’s get down to
business. Who is this Christine person and why did I have to hear about her from him.

[JEREMY]
Doesn’t matter. After what I did, I’m lucky if she still wants to go to the same school as me.

[MICHAEL]
Awwww!

[JEREMY]
What?

[MICHAEL]
It’s reassuring! He still needs us!

(MICHAEL closes JEREMYs’ jacket with an UwU face????)

“Voices in my Head”

[MR. HEERE, sung]

You gotta buy her a rose
Compliment her on her clothes

[MICHAEL]
Say you appreciate that she's smart

[RICH]
(lisp) No, man! You tell her that she excites you sexually
 [MR. HEERE, MICHAEL, & RICH]
And that’s the way you get to her heart
Trust me, I know
How it's gonna go
Listen and oh (RICH screams instead because Michael slaps him????)

[JEREMY]
And there are voices in my ear
I guess these never disappear
I'll let ’em squeal
And I will deal
Then make up my own mind
Might still have voices in my head
But now they're just the normal kind
Voices in my head
But now they're the normal kind

(JEREMY runs into BROOKE, CHLOE, JENNA, and JAKE????)

[JEREMY, spoken]
Brooke! I am so sorry! You are a person and an amazing one-

[BROOKE]
I’m still pretty mad. But I’m over you.

[JAKE]
Oh, we’ve been looking for you punk.

[JEREMY]
Oh God..

[JAKE]
To say good luck asking out Christine.

[JEREMY]
Wait, you know about that?

[CHLOE]
It’s crazy, but ever since we all did ecstasy at the school play, I’ve felt really connected to you
guys.

[JENNA]
So, we decided to help you out.

(sung)
Make her feel welcomed and seen

[CHLOE]
Don't dump her on Halloween

[BROOKE]
Embrace the traits that make you so odd

[JAKE]
I'll throw you a rope, homeslice
If you need some dope advice

[JENNA, CHLOE, BROOKE, & JAKE]

We've got your back
'Cause we are your squad
Buddy, you'll see
It’ll go perfectly
If you listen to me, me, me

[JEREMY]
And there are voices all around
But you can never mute the sound
They scream and shout
I tune them out
Then make up my own mind
Might still have voices in my head
But now they’re just the normal kind
Voices in my head
But now they're the normal kind!

(JEREMY finds CHRISTINE in the halls. He goes up to her after a moment of pumpin up.)

(spoken)
Hey, so-

[CHRISTINE]
I still remember how it felt

[JEREMY]
What?

[CHRISTINE]
It was like you said, like I’d never have to not know anything again. Who did yours look like?

[JEREMY]
Keanu Reeves

[CHRISTINE]
Oh..!

[JEREMY]
Yours?

[CHRISTINE]
Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's embarrassing-

[JEREMY]
No, actually that one's pretty good!

[CHRISTINE]
To find out, deep down I just want things to be easy

[JEREMY]
Yeah, but who wants things to be hard? Look, I ruined the play, I almost destroyed the school,
maybe all human civilization, I know the last thing I deserve is another shot, but-

[CHRISTINE]
Just say what’s on your mind, Jeremy

[JEREMY]
Bowling alley. . . performance art? Just the two of us?

[CHRISTINE, sung]
And any voices in our heads?

[JEREMY]
There might be voices in our heads
But I swear
The voices there will be the regular kind

[CHRISTINE]
Me and the voices in my head have made up our collective mind!

[JEREMY]
What do they say we should do?

[CHRISTINE]
I think that all of us want to go out with you

[JEREMY, spoken]
Woo-hoo!

[ALL, sung]
And there are voices in my head
So many voices in my head
And they can yell
And hurt like Hell
But I know I'll be fine
 [JEREMY]
Might still have

[ALL]
Voices in my head

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

Jeremy..

[JEREMY, sung]
There's

[ALL]
Voices in my head

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

Jeremy!

[JEREMY, sung]
But of the voices in my head
The loudest one is mine!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

You'll never be rid of me!

[JEREMY, sung]
The loudest one is mine

[THE SQUIP, spoken]

Jeremy, please!

[JEREMY, sung]
The loudest one is mine

[ALL]
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
You ready?

[JEREMY,sung]
Let’s go!

[CHRISTINE]
C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

[JEREMY]
C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

[ALL]
C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

C-c-c-come on
C-c-c-come on
Let's go!

THE END
If ur down here then ur stinky