PARALLAX

V. 1, N. 1

July 2012

PARALLAX
Volume 1, Number 1 July 2010

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PARALLAX
Parallax is a displacement or difference in the apparent position of an object viewed along two different lines of sight, and is measured by the angle or semi-angle of inclination between those two lines. The term is derived from the Greek (parallaxis), meaning "alteration". Nearby objects have a larger parallax than more distant objects when observed from different positions, so parallax can be used to determine distances. Astronomers use the principle of parallax to measure distances to celestial objects including to the Moon, the Sun, and to stars beyond the Solar System. For example, the Hipparcos satellite took measurements for over 100,000 nearby stars. This provides a basis for other distance measurements in astronomy, the cosmic distance ladder. Here, the term "parallax" is the angle or semi-angle of inclination between two sight-lines to the star. Parallax also affects optical instruments such as binoculars, microscopes, and twin-lens reflex cameras that view objects from slightly different angles. Many animals, including humans, have two eyes with overlapping visual fields that use parallax to gain depth perception; this process is known as stereopsis. In computer vision the effect is used for computer stereo vision, and there is a device called a parallax rangefinder that uses it to find range, and in some variations also altitude to a target. A simple everyday example of parallax can be seen in the dashboard of motor vehicles that use a needle-style speedometer gauge. When viewed from directly in front, the speed may show exactly 60; but when viewed from the passenger seat the needle may appear to show a slightly different speed, due to the angle of viewing.

Ramblings in Cheapside
Excerpt from Essays on Life, Art and Science by Samuel Butler
Walking the other day in Cheapside I saw some turtles in Mr. Sweetings window, and was tempted to stay and look at them. As I did so I was struck not more by the defences with which they were hedged about, than by the fatuousness of trying to hedge that in at all which, if hedged thoroughly, must die of its own defencefulness. The holes for the head and feet through which the turtle leaks out, as it were, on to the exterior world, and through which it again absorbs the exterior world into itself"catching on through them to things that are thus both turtle and not turtle at one and the same timethese holes stultify the armour, and show it to have been designed by a creature with more of faithfulness to a fixed idea, and hence onesidedness, than of that quick sense of relative importances and their changes, which is the main factor of good living. The turtle obviously had no sense of proportion; it differed so widely from myself that I could not comprehend it; and as this word occurred to me, it occurred also that until my body comprehended its body in a physical material sense, neither would my mind be able to comprehend its mind with any thoroughness. For unity of mind can only be consummated by unity of body; everything, therefore, must be in some respects both knave and fool to all that which has not eaten it, or by which it has not been eaten. As long as the turtle was in the window and I in the street outside, there was no chance of our comprehending one another. Nevertheless I knew that I could get it to agree with me if I could so effectually button-hole and fasten on to it as to eat it. Most men have an easy method with turtle soup, and I had no misgiving but that if I could bring my first premise to bear I should prove the better reasoner. My difficulty lay in this initial process, for I had not with me the argument that would alone compel Mr. Sweeting think that I ought to be allowed to convert the turtlesI mean I had no money in my pocket. No missionary enterprise can be carried on without any money at all, but even so small a sum as half-a -crown would, I suppose, have enabled me to bring the turtle partly round, and with many half-crowns I could in time no doubt convert the lot, for the turtle needs must go

where the money drives. If, as is alleged, the world stands on a turtle, the turtle stands on money. No money no turtle. As for money, that stands on opinion, credit, trust, faith things that, though highly material in connection with money, are still of immaterial essence. The steps are perfectly plain. The men who caught the turtles brought a fairly strong and definite opinion to bear upon them, that passed into action, and later on into money. They thought the turtles would come that way, and verified their opinion; on this, will and action were generated, with the result that the men turned the turtles on their backs and carried them off. Mr. Sweeting touched these men with money, which is the outward and visible sign of verified opinion. The customer touches Mr. Sweeting with money, Mr. Sweeting touches the waiter and the cook with money. They touch the turtle with skill and verified opinion. Finally, the customer applies the clinching argument that brushes all sophisms aside, and bids the turtle stand protoplasm to protoplasm with himself, to know even as it is known.

But it must be all touch, touch, touch; skill, opinion, power, and money, passing in and out with one another in any order we like, but still link to link and touch to touch. If there is failure anywhere in respect of opinion, skill, power, or money, either as regards quantity or quality, the chain can be no stronger than its weakest link, and the turtle and the clinching argument will fly asunder. Of course, if there

is an initial failure in connection, through defect in any member of the chain, or of connection between the links, it will no more be attempted to bring the turtle and the clinching argument together, than it will to chain up a dog with two pieces of broken chain that are disconnected. The contact throughout must be conceived as absolute; and yet perfect contact is inconceivable by us, for on becoming perfect it ceases to be contact, and becomes essential, once for all inseverable, identity. The most absolute contact short of this is still contact by courtesy only. So here, as everywhere else, Eurydice glides off as we are about to grasp her. We can see nothing face to face; our utmost seeing is but a fumbling of blind finger-ends in an overcrowded pocket. Presently my own blind finger-ends fished up the conclusion, that as I had neither time nor money to spend on perfecting the chain that would put me in full spiritual contact with Mr. Sweetings turtles, I had better leave them to complete their education at some one elses expense rather than mine, so I walked on towards the Bank. As I did so it struck me how continually we are met by this melting of one existence into another. The limits of the body seem well defined enough as definitions go, but definitions seldom go far. What, for example, can seem more distinct from a man than his banker or his solicitor? Yet these are commonly so much parts of him that he can no more cut them off and grow new ones, than he can grow new legs or arms; neither must he wound his solicitor; a wound in the solicitor is a very serious thing. As for his bankfailure of his banks action may be as fatal to a man as failure of his heart. I have said nothing about the medical or spiritual adviser, but most men grow into the society that surrounds them by the help of these four main tap-roots, and not only into the world of humanity, but into the universe at large. We can, indeed, grow butchers, bakers, and greengrocers, almost ad libitum, but these are low developments, and correspond to skin, hair, or finger-nails. Those of us again who are not highly enough organised to have grown a solicitor or banker can generally repair the loss of whatever social organisation they may possess as freely as lizards are said to grow new tails; but this with the higher social, as well as organic, developments is only possible to a very limited extent. The doctrine of metempsychosis, or transmigration of soulsa doctrine to which the foregoing considerations are for the most part easy corollariescrops up no matter in what direction we allow our thoughts to wander. And we meet instances of transmigration of body as well as of soul. I do not mean that both body and soul have transmigrated

together, far from it; but that, as we can often recognise a transmigrated mind in an alien body, so we not less often see a body that is clearly only a transmigration, linked on to some one elses new and alien soul. We meet people every day whose bodies are evidently those of men and women long dead, but whose appearance we know through their portraits. We see them going about in omnibuses, railway carriages, and in all public places. The cards have been shuffled, and they have drawn fresh lots in life and nationalities, but any one fairly well up in mediaeval and last century portraiture knows them at a glance.

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Youve got something to say?

Then Say it.

Wild At Heart, Now That's a Movie I haven't seen in Ages.
- T. Marr Don't know if it's the best or worst pick up line I've ever heard, but it's funny either way. Goes like this- " are your parents bakers? Cuz you're a cutie pie." Made me laugh..... - Cutie Pie Overheard at work today: "If you're ever in Vietnam the North Face outlet there is amazing" - Um what? - E. Dowe Sometimes you're not at all what others have day dreamed about and sometimes they're everything that you imagined & everything that you didn't but alas time passes, some of us are shallow but most of us would like to believe that we're deep. I can only speak for myself when I say: illusions are something others create when they want something more for themselves and as for myself? I'm more of a realist creating truth & palpable belief, it's not for the weak or fake at heart & it's not interwoven in any measure of indiscretion. It is what it is. - Faith Marie

I just had a mother in here who has a 17 year old son, and apparently he did something bad (I'm assuming it was to a girl) so she decided to punish him by making him read books to her. The books she bought were romance novels, teen chick lit, and relationship books on sex (how to make love all night). HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Mom FTW!!! Faith in humanity restored! For now -- Kysia

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CHEERFULNESS
AS A LIFE POWER
BY ORISON SWETT MARDEN

from the least-used lung cells, and tends to restore that exquisite poise or balance which we call health, which results from the harmonious action of all the functions of the body. This delicate poise, which may be destroyed by a sleepless night, a piece of bad news, by grief or anxiety, is often wholly restored by a good hearty laugh.

There is, therefore, sound sense in the caption, "Cheerfulness as a Life Power,"relating as it does to the physical life, as well as the mental and moral; and "I find nonsense singularly refreshing," said Talley- what we may call rand. There is good philosophy in the saying, "Laugh THE LAUGH CURE and grow fat." If everybody knew the power of laughis based upon principles recognized as sound by the ter as a health tonic and life prolonger the tinge of medical professionso literally true is the Hebrew sadness which now clouds the American face would proverb that "a merry heart doeth good like a medilargely disappear, and many physicians would find cine." their occupation gone. "Mirth is God's medicine," said Dr. Oliver Wendell The power of laughter was given us to serve a wise Holmes; "everybody ought to bathe in it. Grim care, purpose in our economy. It is Nature's device for exmoroseness, anxiety,all the rust of life,ought to be ercising the internal organs and giving us pleasure at scoured off by the oil of mirth." Elsewhere he says: "If the same time. you are making choice of a physician be sure you get Laughter begins in the lungs and diaphragm, setting one with a cheerful and serene countenance." the liver, stomach, and other internal organs into a Is not a jolly physician of greater service than his quick, jelly-like vibration, which gives a pleasant senpills? Dr. Marshall Hall frequently prescribed sation and exercise, almost equal to that of horseback "cheerfulness" for his patients, saying that it is better riding. During digestion, the movements of the stomthan anything to be obtained at the apothecary's. ach are similar to churning. Every time you take a full breath, or when you cachinnate well, the diaphragm In Western New York, Dr. Burdick was known as the descends and gives the stomach an extra squeeze and "Laughing Doctor." He always presented the happiest shakes it. Frequent laughing sets the stomach to danc- kind of a face; and his good humor was contagious. ing, hurrying up the digestive process. The heart He dealt sparingly in drugs, yet was very successful. beats faster, and sends the blood bounding through the body. "There is not," says Dr. Green, "one remotest corner or little inlet of the minute blood-vessels of the human body that does not feel some wavelet from the convulsions occasioned by a good hearty laugh." In medical terms, it stimulates the vasomotor centers, and the spasmodic contraction of the blood-vessels causes the blood to flow quickly. Laughter accelerates the respiration, and gives warmth and glow to the whole system. It brightens the eye, increases the perspiration, expands the chest, forces the poisoned air The London "Lancet," the most eminent medical journal in the world, gives the following scientific testimony to the value of jovialty: "This power of 'good spirits' is a matter of high moment to the sick and weakly. To the former, it may mean the ability to survive; to the latter, the possibility of outliving, or living in spite of, a disease. It is, therefore, of the greatest importance to cultivate the highest and most buoyant frame of mind which the conditions will admit. The same energy which takes the form of mental activity is vital to the work of the

organism. Mental influences affect the system; and a who wrote an account of the case for a popular magajoyous spirit not only relieves pain, but increases the zine, that at first her husband and children were momentum of life in the body." amused at her, and while they respected her determination because of the griefs she bore, they did not enDr. Ray, superintendent of Butler Hospital for the Inter into the spirit of the plan. "But after awhile," said sane, says in one of his reports, "A hearty laugh is this woman to me, with a smile, only yesterday, "the more desirable for mental health than any exercise of funny part of the idea struck my husband, and he bethe reasoning faculties." gan to laugh every time we spoke of it. And when he Grief, anxiety, and fear are great enemies of human came home, he would ask me if I had had my 'regular life. A depressed, sour, melancholy soul, a life which laughs;' and he would laugh when he asked the queshas ceased to believe in its own sacredness, its own tion, and again when I answered it. My children, then power, its own mission, a life which sinks into queru- very young, thought 'mamma's notion very queer,' lous egotism or vegetating aimlessness, has become but they laughed at it just the same. Gradually, my crippled and useless. We should fight against every children told other children, and they told their parinfluence which tends to depress the mind, as we ents. My husband spoke of it to our friends, and I would against a temptation to crime. It is undoubted- rarely met one of them but he or she would laugh and ly true that, as a rule, the mind has power to lengthen ask me, 'How many of your laughs have you had tothe period of youthful and mature strength and beau- day?' Naturally, they laughed when they asked, and ty, preserving and renewing physical life by a stal- of course that set me laughing. When I formed this wart mental health. apparently strange habit I was weighed down with I read the other day of a man in a neighboring city sorrow, and my rule simply lifted me out of it. I had who was given up to die; his relatives were sent for, suffered the most acute indigestion; for years I have and they watched at his bedside. But an old acquaint- not known what it is. Headaches were a daily dread; ance, who called to see him, assured him smilingly for over six years I have not had a single pain in the that he was all right and would soon be well. He head. My home seems different to me, and I feel a talked in such a strain that the sick man was forced to thousand times more interest in its work. My huslaugh; and the effort so roused his system that he ral- band is a changed man. My children are called 'the girls who are always laughing,' and, altogether, my lied, and he was soon well again. rule has proved an inspiration which has worked Was it not Shakespere who said that a light heart lives wonders." long? The queen of fashion, however, says that we must The San Francisco "Argonaut" says that a woman in never laugh out loud; but since the same tyrannical Milpites, a victim of almost crushing sorrow, demistress kills people by corsets, indulges in cosmetics, spondency, indigestion, insomnia, and kindred ills, and is out all night at dancing parties, and in China determined to throw off the gloom which was making pinches up the women's feet, I place much less confilife so heavy a burden to her, and established a rule dence in her views upon the laugh cure for human that she would laugh at least three times a day, woes. Yet in all civilized countries it is a fundamental whether occasion was presented or not; so she trained principle of refined manners not to be ill-timed and herself to laugh heartily at the least provocation, and unreasonably noisy and boisterous in mirth. One who would retire to her room and make merry by herself. is wise will never violate the proprieties of well-bred She was soon in excellent health and buoyant spirits; people. her home became a sunny, cheerful abode. "Yet," says a wholesome writer upon health, "we It was said, by one who knew this woman well, and should do something more than to simply cultivate a

cheerful, hopeful spirit,we should cultivate a spirit of mirthfulness that is not only easily pleased and smiling, but that indulges in hearty, hilarious laughter; and if this faculty is not well marked in our organization we should cultivate it, being well assured that hearty, body-shaking laughter will do us good." Ordinary good looks depend on one's sense of humor,"a merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance." Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us, and puts us into closer touch with what is best and brightest in our lot in life.

THE GOLDEN SAYINGS OF EPICTETUS by Hastings Crossley

Asked how a man might eat acceptably to the Gods, Epictetus replied:If when he eats, he can be just, cheerful, equable, temperate, and orderly, can he not thus eat acceptably to the Gods? But when you call for warm water, and your slave does not answer, or when he answers brings it Physiology tells the story. The great sympathetic lukewarm, or is not even found to be in the house nerves are closely allied; and when one set carries bad at all, then not to be vexed nor burst with anger, news to the head, the nerves reaching the stomach are is not that acceptable to the Gods?
affected, indigestion comes on, and one's countenance "But how can one endure such people?" becomes doleful. Laugh when you can; it is A CHEAP MEDICINE

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Slave, will you not endure your own brother, that has God to his forefather, even as a son sprung from the same stock, and of the same high descent as yourself? And if you are stationed in a high position, are you therefor forthwith set up for a tyrant? Remember who you are, and whom you rule, that they are by nature your kinsmen, your brothers, the offspring of God. "But I paid a price for them, not they for me." Do you see whither you are lookingdown to the earth, to the pit, to those despicable laws of the dead? But to the laws of the Gods you do not look.

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"Virtue is Its Own Reward"

Excerpted from: PERVERTED PROVERBS
A MANUAL OF IMMORALS FOR THE MANY BY

COL. D. STREAMER

Virtue its own reward? Alas! And what a poor one as a rule! Be Virtuous and Life will pass Like one long term of Sunday-School. (No prospect, truly, could one find More unalluring to the mind.) You may imagine that it pays To practise Goodness. Not a bit! You cease receiving any praise When people have got used to it; 'Tis generally understood You find it easy to be good. The Model Child has got to keep His fingers and his garments white; In church he may not go to sleep, Nor ask to stop up late at night. In fact he must not ever do A single thing he wishes to. He may not paddle in his boots, Like naughty children, at the Sea; The sweetness of Forbidden Fruits Is not, alas! for such as he. He watches, with pathetic eyes, His weaker brethren make mud-pies. He must not answer back, oh no! However rude grown-ups may be, But keep politely silent, tho' He brim with scathing repartee; For nothing is considered worse Than scoring off Mamma or Nurse. He must not eat too much at meals, Nor scatter crumbs upon the floor; However vacuous he feels, He may not pass his plate for more; Not tho' his ev'ry organ ache For further slabs of Christmas cake. He is enjoined to choose his food From what is easy to digest; A choice which in itself is good, But never what he likes the best. (At times how madly he must wish For just one real unwholesome dish!)

And, when the wretched urchin plays With other little girls and boys, He has to show unselfish ways By giving them his choicest toys; His ears he lets them freely box, Or pull his lubricated locks.

Is ruined by a rhubarb pill. (Alas! 'Tis not alone the Good That are so much misunderstood.) But, as a rule, when he behaves (Evincing no malarial signs), His friends are all his faithful slaves, Until he once again declines With easy conscience, more or less, To undiluted wickedness.

His face is always being washed, His hair perThe Wicked flourish like the bay, At Cards or petually brushed, And thus his brighter side is squashed, His human instincts warped and Love they always win, Good Fortune dogs their steps all day, They fatten while the Good grow thin. The crushed; Small wonder that his early years Are Righteous Man has much to bear; The Bad becomes a filled with "thoughts too deep for tears."
Bullionaire!

He is commanded not to waste The fleeting For, though he be the greatest sham, Luck favours hours of childhood's days By giving way to any him his whole life through; At "Bridge" he always taste For circuses or matines; For him the enter- makes a Slam After declaring "Sans atout"; With ev'ry tainments planned Are "Lectures on the Holy deal his fate has planned A hundred Aces in his hand. Land."

And it is always just the same; He somehow manHe never reads a story book By Rider H. or ages to win, By mere good fortune, any game That he Winston C., In vain upon his desk you'd look For may be competing in. At Golf no bunker breaks his tales by Richard Harding D.; Nor could you find club, For him the green provides no "rub."

upon his shelf The works of Rudyardor myself!

At Billiards, too, he flukes away (With quite unnecessary "side"); No matter what he tries to play, For He always fears that he may do Some action him the pockets open wide; He never finds both balls that is infra dig., And so he lives his short life in baulk, Or makes miss-cues for want of chalk.

through In the most noxious rle of Prig. ("Short He swears; he very likely bets; He even wears a life" I say, for it's agreed The Good die very flaming necktie; Inhales Egyptian cigarettes And has young indeed.)

a "Mens Inconscia Recti"; Yet, spite of all, one must Ah me! How sad it is to think He could have lived confess That naught succeeds like his excess. like meor you! With practice and a taste for drink, There's no occasion to be Just, No need for moOur joys he might have known, he too! And shared tives that are fine, To be Director of a Trust, Or Manthe pleasure we have had In being gloriously bad! ager of a Combine; Your corner is a public curse, PerThe Naughty Boy gets much delight From doing haps; but it will fill your purse. what he should not do; But, as such conduct isn't Then stride across the Public's bones, Crush all Right, He sometimes suffers for it, too. Yet, what's a opponents under you, Until you "rise on steppingspanking to the fun Of leaving vital things Undone? stones Of their dead selves"; and, when you do, The If he's notoriously bad, But for a day should widow's and the orphan's tears Shall comfort your change his ways, His parents will be all so glad, declining years! They'll shower him with gifts and praise! (It pays a But having had your boom in oil, And made your connoisseur in crimes To be a perfect saint at times.) millions out of it, Would you propose to cease from Of course there always lies the chance That he is toil? Great Vanderfeller! Not a bit! You've got to lacharged with being ill, And all his innocent romance bour, day and night, Until you dieand serve you

right!

no doubt, That what's Bred in the Beaune comes out.)

Then, when you stop this frenzied race, And othIt does not render me unfit To give advice, both ers in your office sit, You'll leave the world a better wise and right, Because I do not follow it Myself as place, The better for your leaving it! For there's a closely as I might; There's nothing that I wouldn't do chance perhaps your heir May spend what you've To point the proper road to you. collected there. And this I'm sure of, more or less, And trust that Myself, how lucky I must be, That need not fear so you will all agree, The Elements of Happiness Consist gross an end; Since Fortune has not favoured me With in beingjust like Me; No sinner, nor a saint perhaps, many million pounds to spend. (Still, did that fickle Butwell, the very best of chaps. Dame relent, I'd show you how they should be spent!) Share the Experience I have had, Consider all I've I am not saint enough to feel My shoulder ripen to known and seen, And Don't be Good, and Don't be a wing, Nor have I wits enough to steal His title from Bad, But cultivate a Golden Mean. the Copper King; And there's a vasty gulf between * * * * * * * The Man I Am and Might Have Been; What makes Existence really nice Is Virtuewith But tho' at dinner I may take Too much of a dash of Vice. Heidsieck (extra dry), And underneath the table make My simple couch just where I lie, My mode of roosting on the floor Is just a trick and nothing more. This Theophania Publishing And when, not Wisely but too Well, My thirst I have contrived to quench, The stories I am apt to tell May be, perhaps, a trifle French; (For 'tis in anecdote,

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No One Is Too Old For Fairy Tales.

Reader Contribution
am not lost, I see a hamlet near the river, several miles away from me. There are people there, if I want them. I do not. The cup of tea in my hand is hot to the touch. My morning fire is burning down, and I am not inclined to build it up. Too much smoke. I have a ruck sack filled with tins of tea, coffee, and enough food to last me a few weeks. That's as much time as I need to accomplish this task. I watch the sky, and write. I wait. I breathe. I listen to the wind and the sounds of the trees below me. There is nothing lost in this. There is only silence to be gained. Mental silence. I am not interested in talking, or in being heard. I do not write for you, dear reader, I write for myself.

A Man Apart
By Mack Paddy

3. There was a time when I needed you, needed someone to tell me that I am okay, that things would be alright, that I was wanted, needed, loved, cherished, cared for, and even important. None of that is true anymore. I do not need you. 1. I walked out into the world a torn man. Split by my deI am no longer afraid. I am here, by myself, at the top of a sire for truth, and my quest for absolution. I am not as I mountain. I do not exist as a part of your society. I exist have been. I am no longer free to choose. I must go on. apart from it. Away from it. This is my thirty-sixth day in The days have come and gone where I was my own man, the wilderness, away from you, away from anyone who now I am here among the grasses and the trees, hiding from knows my name. Away from anyone who would care. And society, and existing separate. In this old cabin I had found, no one knows that I am here. I have dropped out. I have tucked away in the mountains, I spend my days writing on walked away from it all. No internet. No television. No rathis old Hotel Rouge note pad, this pen rapidly fading, its dio. No advertising. No wants or needs. Just solitude. ink soaking into the paper like some seething wound. I write. I listen. I breathe. I am alone, and have no need for Soon, I think to myself, I will be able to go back. Soon. company. I take solace in the beauty that surrounds me. There is no place for me there right now. There is nothing There is no one for miles. There is nothing but goodness for me but solitude and prayer. And I am not a praying here. Raw, simple, beautiful goodness. man. I am not interested in religion or god. But I have nothing else to occupy my mind. I have been here too long. Soli- This abandoned cabin was here when I was young, its door unhinged, its shingle roof tilting precariously against the tude makes believers of us all. Keeps me from talking to myself. Keeps me from talking to the walls. Keeps me from posts which hold it aloft. There is an old wooden chair by the door, and a cot that might have been slept on by some imagining things. But then, we all create our gods in our own minds. So perhaps it would not be so bad if I began to old hunter or woodsman. The door was unhinged, the windows covered by cobwebs and damaged by time, cracks hallucinate a friend. But no, I am not lonely. I am only and fissures along the seems. The floor is warped, letting in alone. a steady draft at night. The roof leaks. I have no desire at all 2. The time comes swiftly, the sun rises across the ridge of to fix any of it. The little wood stove works well enough, the mountain range opposite the cabin, and rises steadily and I brought a pot to boil my water in. There is enough of across the sky. It is cool here, the wind whipping upwards, a stock of brittle old firewood here to last me a month more chasing clouds along the peak high above me. I am only a at least. few yards from the tree line. It is a spectacular view, and I

4. I walk. I listen. I write. I wrote a letter to you, darling. I wrote letters to my children. I did not mail them. No one needs to read this horse shit. I told them how disappointed I am with them, with you, with my life. I have nothing to go back to. I am here, and am enjoying the comfort of my own company. There is no one to please, or displease. I made friends with the local wildlife. There is a squirrel who comes by to keep me company every morning. I toss him a cracker and nibble on one myself. The tea is good. There is a little brook that trickles down the mountain near the cabin. I have washed there, and drank down its ice cold freshness. So good, so life giving. It has been two months now. The food is nearly gone. Enough for a couple more days. I was picking berries near the brook, and found some fiddle heads. Food of the earth. These old wool socks have a hole in them now. My boots are caked with dirt and my clothing has not been washed in ages. I stopped caring about washing everything weeks ago. Now I just rinse my face and hands in the stream. Dip my feet in occasionally. It is good here. Alone. No voices. No whispering. No laughter. Just me and my pen. It is almost dry. I can see that I have written more letters to you. But I do not miss your company. It is easier to talk with you this way. Without interruption. 5. A bear wandered by my little cabin this morning. I heard it grunting, as it passed by. I'm sure I scared it as much as it scared me. My watch has stopped working. I got it wet when I dipped my hands in the water. Thats okay. I hadn't looked at it in a long time. But the food is nearly finished. The time is soon coming that I will have to make a decision. I do not hunt. I have no gun, no fishing line, no tackle. It may be time soon to walk down this mountain and rejoin society. I do not want to. I have nothing that I want to go back to. I have been to heaven, and I do not wish to live amongst you anymore. I am enjoying the comfort of my own company. For once. I noticed a couple of hikers down the mountain, following a path. Their voices echoed up towards me. They didn't see me. I ignored them, and did not attract any attention to myself. I would not make good company. I never really did. But seeing them as I did, I could not help but wonder about you. What are you doing? Are you okay without me? Do you even notice that I am gone? It has been two months and a few days. Time to climb back down the mountain.

Reader Contribution There Goes the Rapture

By Mack Paddy
Drinking the third bottle of wine alone. Its not money, and its not much. But it tastes like you, It tastes like hate. Drinking the fourth bottle, And I realize that I am probably drunk, But there's something about you That brings out the worst in me. I'm bound to grieve you, I'm bound to hate myself, Because you didn't want this. Realization. Both counts. Would it kill you to know, That all I wanted was you? And now I don't want, just life. Just paint, craving, crashing. I don't take the next best thing, I only take the best, And that left me with so little. I guess its all my fault. I have no alibi. I have no excuse. I have no love. And three kids.

SAY

Hello
TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.

Excerpts from the Theophania Publishing Edition of

The Devils Dictionary

By Ambrose Bierce
Available at Amazon.Com APOLOGIZE, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense. PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading to listen. as a contest of principles. COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded. SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.

Excerpts From

The Art of Money Getting by Phineas Taylor Barnum

In the United States, where we have more land than people, it is not at all difficult for persons in good health to make money. In this comparatively new field there are so many avenues of success open, so many vocations which are not crowded, that any person of either sex who is willing, at least for the time being, to engage in any respectable occupation that offers, may find lucrative employment. Those who really desire to attain an independence, have only to set their minds upon it, and adopt the proper means, as they do in regard to any other object which they wish to accomplish, and the thing is easily done. But however easy it may be found to make money, I have no doubt many of my hearers will agree it is the most difficult thing in the world to keep it. The road to wealth is, as Dr. Franklin truly says, "as plain as the road to the mill." It consists simply in expending less than we earn; that seems to be a very simple problem. Mr. Micawber, one of those happy creations of the genial Dickens, puts the case in a strong light when he says that to have annual income of twenty pounds per annum, and spend twenty pounds and sixpence, is to be the most miserable of men; whereas, to have an income of only twenty pounds, and spend but nineteen pounds and sixpence is to be the happiest of mortals. Many of my readers may say, "we understand this: this is economy, and we know economy is wealth; we know we can't eat our cake and keep it also." Yet I beg to say that perhaps more cases of failure arise from mistakes on this point than almost any other. The fact is, many people think they understand economy when they really do not. True economy is misapprehended, and people go through life without properly comprehending what that principle is. One says, "I have an income of so much, and here is my neighbor who has the same; yet every year he gets something ahead and I fall short; why is it? I know all about economy." He thinks he does, but he does not. There are men who think that economy consists in saving cheese-parings and candle-ends, in cutting off two pence from the laundress' bill and doing all sorts of little, mean, dirty things. Economy is not meanness. The misfortune is, also, that this class of persons let their economy apply in only one direction. They fancy they are so wonderfully economical in saving a half-penny where they ought to spend twopence, that they think they can afford to squander in other directions. A few years ago, before kerosene oil was discovered or thought of, one might stop overnight at almost any farmer's house in the agricultural districts and get a very good supper, but after supper he might attempt to read in the sitting-room, and would find it impossible with the inefficient light of one candle. The hostess, seeing his dilemma, would say: "It is rather difficult to read here evenings; the proverb says 'you must have a ship at sea in order to be able to burn two

candles at once; we never have an extra candle except on extra occasions." These extra occasions occur, perhaps, twice a year. In this way the good woman saves five, six, or ten dollars in that time: but the information which might be derived from having the extra light would, of course, far outweigh a ton of candles. But the trouble does not end here. Feeling that she is so economical in tallow candies, she thinks she can afford to go frequently to the village and spend twenty or thirty dollars for ribbons and furbelows, many of which are not necessary. This false connote may frequently be seen in men of business, and in those instances it often runs to writing-paper. You find good businessmen who save all the old envelopes and scraps, and would not tear a new sheet of paper, if they could avoid it, for the world. This is all very well; they may in this way save five or ten dollars a year, but being so economical (only in note paper), they think they can afford to waste time; to have expensive parties, and to drive their carriages. This is an illustration of' Dr. Franklin's "saving at the spigot and wasting at the bung-hole;" "penny wise and pound foolish." Punch in speaking of this "one idea" class of people says "they are like the man who bought a penny herring for his family's dinner and then hired a coach and four to take it home." I never knew a man to succeed by practising this kind of economy. True economy consists in always making the income exceed the out-go. Wear the old clothes a little longer if necessary; dispense with the new pair of gloves; mend the old dress: live on plainer food if need be; so that, under all circumstances, unless some unforeseen accident occurs, there will be a margin in favor of the income. A penny here, and a dollar there, placed at interest, goes on accumulating, and in this way the desired result is attained. It requires some training, perhaps, to accomplish this economy, but when once used to it, you will find there is more satisfaction in rational saving than in irrational spending. Here is a recipe which I recommend: I have found it to work an excellent cure for extravagance, and especially for mistaken economy: When you find that you have no surplus at the end of the year, and yet have a good income, I advise you to take a few sheets of paper and form them into a book and mark down every item of expenditure. Post it every day or week in two columns, one headed "necessaries" or even "comforts", and the other headed "luxuries," and you will find that the latter column will be double, treble, and frequently ten times greater than the former. The real comforts of life cost but a small portion of what most of us can earn. Dr. Franklin says "it is the eyes of others and not our own eyes which ruin us. If all the world were blind except myself l should not care for fine clothes or furniture." It is the fear of what Mrs. Grundy may say that keeps the noses of many worthy families to the grindstone. In America many persons like to repeat "we are all free and equal," but it is a great mistake in more senses than one. That we are born "free and equal" is a glorious truth in one sense, yet we are not all born equally rich, and we never shall be. One may say; "there is a man who has an income of fifty thousand dollars per annum, while I have but one thousand dollars; I knew that fellow when he was poor like myself; now he is rich

and thinks he is better than I am; I will show him that I am as good as he is; I will go and buy a horse and buggy; no, I cannot do that, but I will go and hire one and ride this afternoon on the same road that he does, and thus prove to him that I am as good as he is."

My friend, you need not take that trouble; you can easily prove that you are "as good as he is;" you have only to behave as well as he does; but you cannot make anybody believe that you are rich as he is. Besides, if you put on these "airs," add waste your time and spend your money, your poor wife will be obliged to scrub her fingers off at home, and buy her tea two ounces at a time, and everything else in proportion, in order that you may keep up "appearances," and, after all, deceive nobody. On the other hand, Mrs. Smith may say that her next-door neighbor married Johnson for his money, and "everybody says so." She has a nice one- thousand dollar camel's hair shawl, and she will make Smith get her an imitation one, and she will sit in a pew right next I know a gentleman of fortune who says, that when he first to her neighbor in church, in order to prove that she is her equal. began to prosper, his wife would have a new and elegant sofa. "That sofa," he says, "cost me thirty thousand dollars!" When My good woman, you will not get ahead in the world, if the sofa reached the house, it was found necessary to get chairs to your vanity and envy thus take the lead. In this country, where we match; then side-boards, carpets and tables "to correspond" with believe the majority ought to rule, we ignore that principle in rethem, and so on through the entire stock of furniture; when at gard to fashion, and let a handful of people, calling themselves the last it was found that the house itself was quite too small and oldaristocracy, run up a false standard of perfection, and in endeavorfashioned for the furniture, and a new one was built to correing to rise to that standard, we constantly keep ourselves poor; all spond with the new purchases; "thus," added my friend, the time digging away for the sake of outside appearances. How "summing up an outlay of thirty thousand dollars, caused by that much wiser to be a "law unto ourselves" and say, "we will regusingle sofa, and saddling on me, in the shape of servants, equilate our out-go by our income, and lay up something for a rainy page, and the necessary expenses attendant upon keeping up a fine day." People ought to be as sensible on the subject of money'establishment,' a yearly outlay of eleven thousand dollars, and a getting as on any other subject. Like causes produces like effects. tight pinch at that: whereas, ten years ago, we lived with much You cannot accumulate a fortune by taking the road that leads to more real comfort, because with much less care, on as many hunpoverty. It needs no prophet to tell us that those who live fully up dreds. The truth is," he continued, "that sofa would have brought to their means, without any thought of a reverse in this life, can me to inevitable bankruptcy, had not a most unexampled title to never attain a pecuniary independence. prosperity kept me above it, and had I not checked the natural Men and women accustomed to gratify every whim and desire to 'cut a dash'." caprice, will find it hard, at first, to cut down their various unnecThe foundation of success in life is good health: that is the essary expenses, and will feel it a great self-denial to live in a substratum fortune; it is also the basis of happiness. A person smaller house than they have been accustomed to, with less expencannot accumulate a fortune very well when he is sick. He has no sive furniture, less company, less costly clothing, fewer servants, a ambition; no incentive; no force. Of course, there are those who less number of balls, parties, theater-goings, carriage-ridings, have bad health and cannot help it: you cannot expect that such pleasure excursions, cigar-smokings, liquor-drinkings, and other persons can accumulate wealth, but there are a great many in poor extravagances; but, after all, if they will try the plan of laying by a health who need not be so. "nest-egg," or, in other words, a small sum of money, at interest or judiciously invested in land, they will be surprised at the pleasIf, then, sound health is the foundation of success and hapure to be derived from constantly adding to their little "pile," as piness in life, how important it is that we should study the laws of well as from all the economical habits which are engendered by health, which is but another expression for the laws of nature! this course. The nearer we keep to the laws of nature, the nearer we are to good health, and yet how many persons there are who pay no The old suit of clothes, and the old bonnet and dress, will attention to natural laws, but absolutely transgress them, even answer for another season; the Croton or spring water taste better against their own natural inclination. We ought to know that the than champagne; a cold bath and a brisk walk will prove more "sin of ignorance" is never winked at in regard to the violation of exhilarating than a ride in the finest coach; a social chat, an nature's laws; their infraction always brings the penalty. A child evening's reading in the family circle, or an hour's play of "hunt may thrust its finger into the flames without knowing it will burn, the slipper" and "blind man's buff" will be far more pleasant than and so suffers, repentance, even, will not stop the smart. Many of a fifty or five hundred dollar party, when the reflection on the our ancestors knew very little about the principle of ventilation. difference in cost is indulged in by those who begin to know the They did not know much about oxygen, whatever other "gin" pleasures of saving. Thousands of men are kept poor, and tens of

thousands are made so after they have acquired quite sufficient to support them well through life, in consequence of laying their plans of living on too broad a platform. Some families expend twenty thousand dollars per annum, and some much more, and would scarcely know how to live on less, while others secure more solid enjoyment frequently on a twentieth part of that amount. Prosperity is a more severe ordeal than adversity, especially sudden prosperity. "Easy come, easy go," is an old and true proverb. A spirit of pride and vanity, when permitted to have full sway, is the undying canker-worm which gnaws the very vitals of a man's worldly possessions, let them be small or great, hundreds, or millions. Many persons, as they begin to prosper, immediately expand their ideas and commence expending for luxuries, until in a short time their expenses swallow up their income, and they become ruined in their ridiculous attempts to keep up appearances, and make a "sensation."

they might have been acquainted with; and consequently they built their houses with little seven-by-nine feet bedrooms, and these good old pious Puritans would lock themselves up in one of these cells, say their prayers and go to bed. In the morning they would devoutly return thanks for the "preservation of their lives," during the night, and nobody had better reason to be thankful. Probably some big crack in the window, or in the door, let in a little fresh air, and thus saved them. Many persons knowingly violate the laws of nature against their better impulses, for the sake of fashion. For instance, there is one thing that nothing living except a vile worm ever naturally loved, and that is tobacco; yet how many persons there are who deliberately train an unnatural appetite, and overcome this implanted aversion for tobacco, to such a degree that they get to love it. They have got hold of a poisonous, filthy weed, or rather that takes a firm hold of them. Here are married men who run about spitting tobacco juice on the carpet and floors, and sometimes even upon their wives besides. They do not kick their wives out of doors like drunken men, but their wives, I have no doubt, often wish they were outside of the house. Another perilous feature is that this artificial appetite, like jealousy, "grows by what it feeds on;" when you love that which is unnatural, a stronger appetite is created for the hurtful thing than the natural desire for what is harmless. There is an old proverb which says that "habit is second nature," but an artificial habit is stronger than nature. Take for instance, an old tobacco-chewer; his love for the "quid" is stronger than his love for any particular kind of food. He can give up roast beef easier than give up the weed. Young lads regret that they are not men; they would like to go to bed boys and wake up men; and to accomplish this they copy the bad habits of their seniors. Little Tommy and Johnny see their fathers or uncles smoke a pipe, and they say, "If I could only do that, I would be a man too; uncle John has gone out and left his pipe of tobacco, let us try it." They take a match and light it, and then puff away. "We will learn to smoke; do you like it Johnny?" That lad dolefully replies: "Not very much; it tastes bitter;" by and by he grows pale, but he persists arid he soon offers up a sacrifice on the altar of fashion; but the boys stick to it and persevere until at last they conquer their natural appetites and become the victims of acquired tastes. I speak "by the book," for I have noticed its effects on myself, having gone so far as to smoke ten or fifteen cigars a day; although I have not used the weed during the last fourteen years, and never shall again. The more a man smokes, the more he craves smoking; the last cigar smoked simply excites the desire for another, and so on incessantly. Take the tobacco-chewer. In the morning, when he gets up, he puts a quid in his mouth and keeps it there all day, never taking it out except to exchange it for a fresh one, or when he is going to eat; oh! yes, at intervals during the day and evening, many a chewer takes out the quid and holds it in his hand long enough to take a drink, and then pop it goes back again. This simply proves that the appetite for rum is even stronger than that for tobacco. When the tobacco-chewer goes to your country seat and you show him your grapery and fruit house, and the beauties of your

garden, when you offer him some fresh, ripe fruit, and say, "My friend, I have got here the most delicious apples, and pears, and peaches, and apricots; I have imported them from Spain, France and Italy--just see those luscious grapes; there is nothing more delicious nor more healthy than ripe fruit, so help yourself; I want to see you delight yourself with these things;" he will roll the dear quid under his tongue and answer, "No, I thank you, I have got tobacco in my mouth." His palate has become narcotized by the noxious weed, and he has lost, in a great measure, the delicate and enviable taste for fruits. This shows what expensive, useless and injurious habits men will get into. I speak from experience. I have smoked until I trembled like an aspen leaf, the blood rushed to my head, and I had a palpitation of the heart which I thought was heart disease, till I was almost killed with fright. When I consulted my physician, he said "break off tobacco using." I was not only injuring my health and spending a great deal of money, but I was setting a bad example. I obeyed his counsel. No young man in the world ever looked so beautiful, as he thought he did, behind a fifteen cent cigar or a meerschaum! These remarks apply with tenfold force to the use of intoxicating drinks. To make money, requires a clear brain. A man has got to see that two and two make four; he must lay all his plans with reflection and forethought, and closely examine all the details and the ins and outs of business. As no man can succeed in business unless he has a brain to enable him to lay his plans, and reason to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if the brain is muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good opportunities have passed, never to return, while a man was sipping a "social glass," with his friend! How many foolish bargains have been made under the influence of the "nervine," which temporarily makes its victim think he is rich. How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow, and then forever, because the wine cup has thrown the system into a state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in business. Verily, "wine is a mocker." The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage, is as much an infatuation, as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter. It is an unmitigated evil, utterly indefensible in the light of philosophy; religion or good sense. It is the parent of nearly every other evil in our country.

The Theophania Publishing edition of The Art of Money Getting Will soon to be available at

Amazon.Com

Excerpts from

ing the scrutiny. May it please your Majesty, cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror, one of them contains tobacco. Hold him up by the ankles and shake him, said the King; then give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence. Two Kings

Fantastic Fables
By Ambrose Bierce
Available from Theophania Publishing

The Ingenious Patriot Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying: May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majestys Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums. After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a million tumtums. And here, said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majestys Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majestys throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums.

The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of Bornegascar, wrote him as follows: Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your Minister from my capital. Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar replied: I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him! This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment. An Officer and a Thug A Chief of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal. Dont be too hard on me, said the Officer, smiling; I was beating him with a stuffed club.

Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his Nevertheless, persisted the Chief of Police, it was a liberhand into still another pocket, remarking: ty that must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do not repeat it. The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be But, said the Officer, still smiling, it was a stuffed so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the Thug. armour plates with a new In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of PoThe King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach. lice thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin Search this man, he said, and report how many pockets was ruptured at the arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police. he has. Forty-three, Sire, said the Great Head Factotum, complet-

The Conscientious Official

evening with

While a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending Is that so? cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, closely to his business of placing obstructions on the track with sudden animation. Which licked? Sit down here on and tampering with the switches he received word that the the hat-box and tell me all about it! President of the road was about to discharge him for incomThe Politicians petency. Good Heavens! he cried; there are more accidents on my An Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling division than on all the rest of the line. through a beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the The President is very particular, said the Man who brought him the news; he thinks the same loss of life might flowers and the shade and charmed by the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, his imagibe effected with less damage to the companys property. nation fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palDoes he expect me to shoot passengers through the car aces in the distance on either hand, the Young Politician windows? exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose said: tie across the rails. Does he take me for an assassin? Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading, thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn How Leisure Came our backs upon duty and abandon ourselves to the delights A Man to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting and advantages which beckon from every grove and call to his breakfast in order to catch a train, had leaned his news- us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt, follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-board saypaper against the sugar-bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork into his right ing, Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of Political eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. In buy- Distinction. ing spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced him to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a wharf. The Moral Sentiment It is a beautiful path, my son, said the Old Politician, without either slackening his pace or turning his head, and it leadeth among pleasant scenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is beset with one mighty peril. What is that? said the Young Politician.

The peril of finding it, the Old Politician replied, pushing A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, on. who was carrying a hat-box. What have you in the hat-box, my friend? inquired the Pugilist. The Thoughtful Warden A new frown, was the answer. I am bringing it from the frownery the one over there with the gilded steeple. And what are you going to do with the nice new frown? the Pugilist asked. Put down pugilism if I have to wear it night and day, said the Moral Sentiment of the Community, sternly. The Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of all the cells when a mechanic said to him: Those locks can all be opened from the inside you are very imprudent. The Warden did not look up from his work, but said:

If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called Thats right, said the Pugilist, that is right, my good friend; if pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldnt a thoughtful provision against the vicissitudes of fortune. have this kind of Nose to-day. I had a rattling hot fight last

The Treasury and the Arms A Public Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed: Mr. Shareman, I move for a division. You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech, said the Two Arms. Yes, replied the Public Treasury, I am familiar with the hauls of legislation.

vate system of morals, the other measures of public safety would be needless. The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple for the men of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province. The last speaker was the broom. The Critics

While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his beauty that, all armed as she happened to The Christian Serpent be, she descended from Olympus to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa on it, she A Rattlesnake came home to his brood and said: My chilhad the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to dren, gather about and receive your fathers last blessing, and stone from catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascendsee how a Christian dies. ed to ask Jove to restore him; but before this could be done What ails you, Father? asked the Small Snakes. a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied him. I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal, was the reply, accompanied by the ominous death-rattle. The Broom of the Temple The city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of the province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence. The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried jackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed by the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion of cloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over the remains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said: This is a very bad Apollo, said the Sculptor: the chest is too narrow, and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other. The attitude is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see my statue of Antinous. In my judgment, the figure, said the Critic, is tolerably good, though rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art? The Foolish Woman A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away, procured a pistol and shot him dead. Why did you do that, Madam? inquired a Policeman, sauntering by. Because, replied the Married Woman, he was a wicked man, and had purchased a ticket to Chicago.

High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentively to all the plans proposed. All seem wise, My sister, said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, you and I do not suffer myself to doubt that any one of them cannot stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing would be efficacious. Nevertheless, I cannot help thinking them. that if we would put an improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water, construct shallower roadways, groom the street cows, offer the stranger within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion, and relinquish our pri-

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We hope that you have enjoyed this little zine, as it is our hope to entertain as much as it is to inform. If you have wasted a few minutes in good humour or jest, then it was not time wasted. Many of the entries of this issue have come to you from our collection of books, many of which are available, or will soon be available at Amazon.Com, as I am sure you may have already noticed. Parallax Magazine is very proud to present excerpts from these texts to you, free of charge at Theophania.Ca, Scribd.Com, Facebook.Com, and we would appreciate it very much if you passed it along to your friends. Sharing is a wonderful thing. We also welcome you to help us fill our pages with your own contributions, in the form of pictures, poetry, short stories, catchy limericks, photos of your pet guina pig, or pretty much anything you would like to send us. You may send entries to: TheophaniaPublishing@Gmail.Com Hard copies of Parallax Magazine may be purchased at Amazon.Com for a modest price of $7.77. Strangly enough, this price point was not chosen out of randomness or any other regard, it is the price of printing and binding this little volume, just for you. We only make a few cents per issue, and will certainly not get very wealthy through its purchase. But we do know that the collectors might want something tangible to hold on to and show off to their great grandchildren sometime in the distant future. Of course, if you are interested in the cover art for this issue, the artist would love for your contact, and perhaps even your purchase of a print. Again, we hope that you enjoyed your time with us, and we look forward to your submissions, your interactions, and perhaps your future readership. After all, it is for you that we produced this little volume. Sincerely, Robert L. Angus Editor

Eric's Staving off Madness LEGO Adventure

Busking Banjo Boba and his audience Image by Eric Vondran.