Hundred Shows Price of One

ACT I
Scene 0 (3:00)
(Lights down. Video Intro plays)

VIDEO
Welcome to Simon and Shyster present Hundred Shows
Price of One. Thank you for joining us for this evening
or afternoon performance. Before the show begins, it’s
important we cover several guidelines. Over the next
forty-five minutes, this instructional video will
instruct, inform, and inspire you to ensure a safe and
enjoyable performance for all.
First, remember to turn off all cellphones, emails and
pacemakers. Flash photography and video is violently
prohibited.
Second, in case of an emergency, an emergency
preparedness kit is located under seat 5, row 3. Please
take a moment to glance through it now. (Pause)
Okay. Third, in case of a fire, exits will be sealed,
and a single rope ladder will descend from the ceiling.
Its up to you to ensure order of departure follows this
simple equation:
Yearly income divided by infant mortality rate minus
sex plus gender.
Forth-
(Fast forwarding)

SIMON
(Sigh)
Alright then, shut up, hurry on.
VIDEO
Thirty ninth, uh oh. If your rubik’s cube doesn’t look
like this, try watching step thirty eight-
(Fast forwarding)
Forty sixth, please enter your card’s expiration date
as a 2-digit month and a 2-digit year, followed by the
pound sign-
(Fast forwarding)
Sixty third, binge eating cakes is strickly prohibited-
(Fast forwarding, an entire movie
fastforwards through, maybe stops at a
scene, followed by the entire frist
season of friends and pictures of Jonah
Hill’s face)
Alright. I think we’re all set. Thank you, and for your
urinary health, remember to always wipe upwards, away
from the vagina.
Thanks again. And now, please enjoy, Simon and Shyster
present, Hundred Shows Price of One.
 2.

Scene 1 (2:00)
House lights go down. THX sound. Footsteps.
Heartbeat. Getting faster. Bank vault. Papers
ruffling. More footsteps. Heavy breathing.
Floodlight turning on. At the same time, spotlight
on Shyster, alone on a chair in the middle of the
stage, holding a newspaper. He flicks it open.
SHYSTER
This is a bad show.
Dreamonica, by the famous duo Simon and Shyster, runs
at the Tutti Theatre until April 5th. But it should
close today.
As a well-known and famous theatre critic, I am all too
familiar with these two fools. They’ve had their time:
Sure, even I’ll admit, Dad Jokes: The Musical had some
good laughs, however childish. But after their
incident, and subsequent legal proceedings, how could
anyone ever justify letting these monsters take the
stage again. They are the scarlet letter on the
sequined leotard of the theatre. (ah yes, that’s good)
And yet, as if to say ’Na-na-na-na-boo-boo, here we
are again!’, they’ve already booked The Tom Hendry
Warehouse in Winnipeg, Manitoba, to premiere Hundred
Shows, Price of One, their laughable career
retrospective.
Well, my friends, allow me to share but one mear
thought: Don’t you give any flying fuck of a chance to
Simon and Shyster Present, Hundred Shows, Price of One.
Stage black. Music underscore.
Scene 2 - 2:00

Sounds from behind audience.

SIMON
Hello everyone! So great to be here.
Simon and Stagehand are at back of audience
holding a large trunk. The two carry the trunk
down and onto the stage. They struggle, as if
there is something moving inside.
By a show of hands, how are you all doing today? (beat)
Me too!

The two make it to the stage, set down the trunk.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Simon Cowell. No, not
him. Complete coincidence.
Stagehand muffled giggles and outstretches hands,
clapping.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

SIMON (cont’d)
This is our lovely stagehand. And of course, what would
a Simon and Shyster production be without the one, the
only, my friend Shyster Shiggins.

Stangehand and Simon open trunk dramatically.

Shyster runs on stage in a crouch, gets behind
trunk, and pops out of the trunk.
SHYSTER
Wohah!

He is holding a sign that says ’Surprise’, then

flips it around so it says ’Applause’
SIMON
For any of you who don’t know, Shyster and I are like
Penn and Teller. I’m the one who does the talking-
SHYSTER
(at front of stage)
Shbmasbd askj ajsbd!

Stagehand muffled giggle claps. The three start

setting up the stage.
SIMON
We like to start every performance with a joke or two.
What do you call a horse with no neck?

SHYSTER
AJHSdgj!
SIMON
One more!
SHYSTER
jAWGfdkhjAGSHKSJdg
SIMON
A horse with no neck!
SHYSTER
sJHZDKJHGsaljdssad we’re so happy to be here, thank you
so much folks, what a lovely evening. We’ve got an
exciting show for you, or should I say, an exciting
hundred shows!
SIMON
We’ve been travelling together, doing shows for the
last 5 years. And now, tonight, we’ve decided to
present to you every show we’ve ever done!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

SHYSTER
Every show??
Simon glares. Stagehand claps.
Yes, every show. (annoyed)

SIMON
This show is a kind of metaphor for Shyster’s
impotency. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try
again.

SHYSTER
I thought we were going to do the butter tarts bit.
SIMON
Well, we decided on something else-

Simon steps to front to present something.

SHYSTER
This show is like a butter tart! Why not have a
hundred!

SIMON
Shyster!
At the same time, Shyster points at Stagehand, who
plays a video.

"Shyster’s butter tarts, why not have a hundred...

butter tarts!"
Shyster holds a paper bag filled with butter tarts
(with logo?)

Stagehand claps.
SIMON
Can you shut up a minute and let me do the
introduction?

SHYSTER
I thought this was the introduction.
SIMON
Play track 1.
 5.

Scene 3 (3:15)
Track 1 plays. Swirly introduction. Shyster spins
off stage.
Right then.

My part of the story starts with myself as a little

boy. I was born in Cockney, England. Didn’t have much
money, lived in the shit part of town. My mom, when I
was four, decided to move us to America, since her job
was shit and this was the land of opportunity.

So my mom makes some money, and buys us a TV. A real

one, colour and everything. And I was amazed. Couldn’t
drag myself away. It was magical.
One night, I’m watching American Idol, and this bloke
comes up named Simon Cowell. Right, well then, I said,
that’s my name, Simon Cowell.. And then something in my
brain clicked - that was my destiny.
So I start writing plays at 10. I put on my first show
at 13, in my basement, and Frank, my only friend at the
time, was playing the role of the female lead and the
audience.
Then one day, when I was 16, I’m sitting in an
audition, and who is beside me but the one and only
Shyster Shiggins.

Simon and Shyster sit beside each other on chairs.

Hi there.
SHYSTER
Oh, hey.

SIMON
Are you here for the audition?
SHYSTER
For the Portland’s Poppin Portabello Mushrooms
commercial?
SIMON
Yeah, you?

SHYSTER
No, I’m here for Joseph and the Amazing Techinicolour
Dreamcoat.
SIMON
Ah, alright then. Good luck.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

SHYSTER
Oh! You too!
The two move to opposite sides of the stage as if
they are entering their auditions.

SIMON AND SHYSTER

Hello, my name is [name]. I’m auditioning for the role
of-
A voice cuts in.

VOICE
Alright, thanks so much, we’ve seen quite enough-
SHYSTER
But-

VOICE
Please leave.
Sad music. We walk back to middle stage.

SIMON
That was fucking awful.
SHYSTER
Okay, I’ll see you-

SIMON
This script is shit, anyways. It doesn’t even make
sense. I bet, if you and I hypothetically booked a gig
at the Milwaukee Brewhouse in two weeks, and we wrote
our own show, about anything, it would be better than
this load here.

Throws script to ground in anger.

SHYSTER
Wait... You, and I?

SIMON
We could call it, "Simon and..."
Motions at Shyster with hand. Shake hands.
SHYSTER
Shyster Shiggins.
SIMON
Simon and Shyster present: Anything, the musical! A
show so vague it could be about anything!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

SHYSTER
You there, sir or ma’am? What do you want it to be
about? (beat) Exactly!
Scene 4 (2:30)

The two step back.

SHYSTER
And that was that. I drank the Kool Aid. Did you drink
the Kool-Aid? I drank the Kool-Aid.

SIMON AND SHYSTER

And we were off!
SIMON
A 1-star review-

SHYSTER
57 dollars in inheritance money-
SIMON
And we were riding the high! And then-

SHYSTER
Can you believe it?
SIMON
A letter-

A letter appears on the screen.

SHYSTER
From Richard Ramenstein!

SIMON
Now we know what you’re thinking-
SHYSTER
The third largest producer of potash in the greater
Wisconson area and artistic director of The Potash
Players Theatre Group wanted us-
SIMON
Us-

SHYSTER
To come perform at the Pleasant Prairie Rec Plex.
SIMON
Holy Shit!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

SHYSTER
No turning back now. We hopped in my Uncle’s 1987
Ramvan-
SIMON
Hit the road-
SHYSTER
And everything was coming up roses.
Beat.

SIMON
One small problem. He hated the show.
SHYSTER
Loved US!

SIMON
LOVED us!
SHYSTER
And to be fair, the show was garbage-

SIMON
Just shit-
SHYSTER
But! With a new show, we were booked!

SIMON
And so came-
SIMON AND SHYSTER
The Chicken Variations!

The two move to centre stage and stand beside

side-by-side chairs - maybe stagehand has set
these up.

SIMON
Here’s the premise-
SHYSTER
What if we took the common joke-

SIMON
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
SHYSTER
And instead of taking thirty seconds to get through-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

SIMON
It takes an hour and a half.
Stagehand claps. The two sit down.
SIMON
So there’s this chicken-
SHYSTER
What chicken?

SIMON
Listen - there’s this chicken-
SHYSTER
Where?

SIMON
There’s a chicken on the side of the road-
SHYSTER
What road? Do I know the road?

SIMON
No you don’t know the road-
SHYSTER
Is it a rural road or a city block-

SIMON
The road doesn’t matter, it’s a chicken-
SHYSTER
Am I by myself?

SIMON
Sure you’re by yourself-
SHYSTER
So what? I’m just walking down the road and I see a
chicken?

SIMON
Yeah-
SHYSTER
I would never do that-
SIMON
It doesn’t matter-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

SHYSTER
Can anybody else see the chicken?
SIMON
Well yes, I guess if other people were there-

SHYSTER
So who’s there?
SIMON
Huh?

SHYSTER
I said who’s there?
SIMON
You and the chicken!

SHYSTER
What chicken?
SIMON
The chicken on the side of the road!

SHYSTER
What’s he doing there?
SIMON
He’s just standing there!

SHYSTER
What time of day is it?
SIMON
What do you care?

SHYSTER
Is it dark? Can I see him?
SIMON
You can see him-
SHYSTER
So it’s daytime-
SIMON
Sure-
SHYSTER
What’s he even doing there?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

SIMON
Right - so, he’s thinking about crossing the road-
SHYSTER
Why’s he thinking about crossing the road?

SIMON
What do you mean, why?
SHYSTER
What’s so good about the other side of the road?

SIMON
What?
SHYSTER
This whole thing doesn’t make any sense!

SIMON
Would you listen-
SHYSTER
Ah, forget it.

Pause.
SHYSTER
And so on.

The two stand, head back to the front of the

stage.
SHYSTER
It wasn’t our best-

SIMON
But it was something-
SHYSTER
And it made us think-

The two are beside one another. They both mime

driving.
SIMON
Ay, we should do another show.

SHYSTER
Sure.
SIMON AND SHYSTER
And so we did!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

Oh Fortuna starts playing. Stagehand enters in all

leather, holding a sword. We rotate, so Simon and
Shyster are backstage (maybe have a green room
sign that we hold/bring on?) while Stagehand faces
the back curtain and swallows a sword.

Scene 5 (1:30)
Backstage, Simon is pumped and Shyster sits down,
quietly eats a sandwhich.

SIMON
I think it’s going pretty well-
SHYSTER
Huh?

SIMON
Do you think it’s going well-
SHYSTER
Oh, yeah, I think it’s going pretty-

SIMON
That goddamn critic is right in front, glaring up at us
with those... I don’t think she’s laughed once-
SHYSTER
Yeah, I hear she’s tough.

SIMON
We need that fucking review.
SHYSTER
How long is he out there for, doing the sword thing?

SIMON
What?
SHYSTER
Five minutes?
SIMON
I don’t know, probably.
Shyster has pulled out his phone.

SHYSTER
Okay, one sec-
Shyster starts texting, walks offstage. Simon goes
to a mirror.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

SIMON
It isn’t over yet. Still 97 shows to go. She’s got to
love one of them, right? It’s just one. Fuck. I swear
to god if that bitch sinks this show-

Shyster enters, holding his phone and a beer.

SHYSTER
Hey Simon, what time do you think we’ll be done?
SIMON
What?
SHYSTER
How long is this show?
SIMON
I don’t know-
SHYSTER
What?
SIMON
I don’t want to think about that right now-
SHYSTER
Alright, okay - Great job buddy, keep it up! Right
back.

Shyster exits, texting.

SIMON
That was our show- Shit. That was our- shut up. That
was- That was-

Audience begins to clap on track.

SIMON
Shit. Shyster! Shyster!

Shyster pops out, putting on a new vest.

SHYSTER
Yeah I got it. Hey, what’s next?
SIMON
More shows.
SHYSTER
Oh yeah, is that you or me?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

SIMON
It’s both of us.
SHYSTER
Right.

SIMON
This better be a good fucking review.
SHYSTER
(patting on the back)
Alright, buddy.
The two enter back onto the stage. Stagehand has
just pulled out the sword.
SIMON
That was our show "Man Versus Sword"
SHYSTER
Our first educational piece premiering at St. Joseph’s
Elementary.

SIMON
It was a private school, so they paid us quite well.
SHYSTER
And the money from our three performances funded two
months-

SIMON AND SHYSTER

And ten more shows!
Scene 6 (3:00)

[Ten more shows - one-liners]

Scene 7 (1:00)
Simon and Shyster finish with these posters for
now.

SIMON
These ten shows launched us into the spotlight-
SHYSTER

And we were swatting away agents like flies-

SIMON
Wanting us to do shows in Regina, Saskatchewan-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

SHYSTER
Moosejaw, Saskatchewan-
SIMON
Red Deer, Alberta-

SHYSTER
And Carrot River, Saskatchewan-
SIMON
And we were riding the high! And then-

SHYSTER
Can you believe it?
SIMON
A letter-

A letter appears on the screen.

SHYSTER
From Jared Finklestein!

SIMON
Holy Shit!
SHYSTER
Asking us-

SIMON
Us-
SHYSTER
To come perform in Chicago.

SIMON
But not just these shows, he wanted more-
SHYSTER
And with each new show, things got bigger-

SIMON
Bigger sets-
SHYSTER
Bigger theaters-

SIMON
Bigger audiences-
SHYSTER
Until we were in New York City.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

SIMON
New York!
SHYSTER
New York.

SIMON
Getting a contract on Broadway, at the Tutti Theater-
SHYSTER
For not one more show-

SIMON
Not two more shows, but-
SIMON AND SHYSTER
Ten More Shows!

Scene 8 (3:00)
[Ten more shows - one-liners. Probably Broadway
parodies?]

Scene 9 (3:00)
SIMON
Things were all so well and good.
SHYSTER
Like we likely thought they should.
SIMON
Then one day, we wrote a play.
SHYSTER
A rousing show.
SIMON
A musical.
SHYSTER
That soon became-
SIMON
Our claim to fame.
SHYSTER
Most likely why you’d know our names-
SIMON
And to this day-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

SHYSTER
The name remains (a mystery)-
Shyster is about to finish it, but Simon
interrupts with the poster.

SIMON
Dad Jokes: The Musical.
A dad and a son are watching the game. The dad
smiles a bit, and looks at the son. He hands him a
piece of paper.
SON
Hey dad, did you get a haircut?
DAD
No son, I got them all cut.
SON
Oh god not this again...
DAD
Want to hear a joke about this piece of paper?
SON
Please no-
DAD
Good - it’s tearable.
Dad Jokes, you’ll never see them coming
Because they’re for your ears
(Not your eyes! You can’t see them!)

SON
Jesus dad..
DAD
Son, I think you’d look good with a beard.

SON
I hate beards.
DAD
I know that you may hate them now, I promise they will
grow on you.
SON
Stop!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

DAD
Son, mmm-this may come as a surprise-
SON
What?

DAD
I think you have your mother’s eyes-
SON
Okay

DAD
Because she says she wants them back!
SON
Please Dad, can you just let me watch TV?

DAD
Did I ever tell you son about the time I bought that
TV?
SON
Dad you never told me about-
DAD
I noticed it on sale because the vol-i-ume was always
stuck on full.

SON
Why did you buy it?
DAD
Well son- I couldn’t turn it down!

SON
I need to leave-
DAD
David if you leave the house you really can’t forget
your ID-
SON
Dad why would I go forget my-
DAD
Because if you forget your ID, nobody would call you by
your name.
SON
What?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

DAD
Because David.. Without your ID, you’d just be DAV!
Tap dance break.
SON
Please dad, you know that I’m exhausted-
DAD
Hi exhausted, I’m Dad!

Song end, remove costumes.

SHYSTER
What a show.
SIMON
Very well received.
SHYSTER
The plot was actually about that dad getting MS and his
family having to deal with it, and it was actually very
beautiful.

SIMON
But that was everyone’s favorite song.
SHYSTER
And we have to get through a hundred shows, so-

SIMON
As sad as it is-
SHYSTER
Intermission time!

SIMON
Right-
SHYSTER
Fifteen minutes!

SIMON
Sadly-
SHYSTER
Ten minute break!
SIMON
Please don’t leave, we’ll only be backstage-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

SHYSTER
Play the track!
Track plays. Musical outro, dumb playoff, as we go
backstage.

Scene 10 (4:30)
Simon and Shyster are backstage. Simon is anxious
in the mirror. Shyster lounges in a chair and
grabs a beer.

SIMON
I really thought that joke would go better-
SHYSTER
Yeah-

SIMON
Can we run through that scene once more?
SHYSTER
What?

SIMON
I want to make sure we get it right for tomorrow night.
SHYSTER
Well the critic has already seen it.

SIMON
Can we do a later scene then?
SHYSTER
The one’s we’re gonna do in fifteen minutes?

SIMON
(Worked up)
Christ, can we do something? To stay in it?
SHYSTER
To stay in what?
SIMON
The show.

SHYSTER
(sarcastically)
Ohhh, the show-
SIMON
Oh fuck off-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

SHYSTER
Oh, come on - things are fine-
SIMON
Could be better...

SHYSTER
Mm.
Take a sip.
Maybe.

SIMON
I don’t know.. I just...
SHYSTER
Did you see that woman like, at the end of the row, up
to the left?
SIMON
What?
SHYSTER
She looks like she’s having a great time.
SIMON
She looked wasted.
SHYSTER
Yeah, that’s what I mean.
SIMON
And what was with those fucking butter tarts?
SHYSTER
What?
SIMON
I thought we said-

SHYSTER
Why not have a hundred? That’s funny.
SIMON
Sure, that’s not the script though-
SHYSTER
That’s not YOUR script though-
SIMON
Oh, that’s funny-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

SHYSTER
I know, that’s why I said it.
SIMON
Fucking butter tarts-

SHYSTER
[Yes], fucking butter tarts.
Pause. Shyster gets up and heads to his backpack.
He pulls out a letter. He goes back to his chair
and reads it over as Simon continues.
SIMON
It goes Tom, then Steve, then Jane, then Buck, then
Mark - Shit, no, it’s Mara then Mark - Shyster, is it
Mara then Mark?

Shyster ignores him.

Where’s a fucking script when you need one.
Stagehand enters and hands Simon a script, then
walks away.
Do you know what page it’s on? Emily? What page is -
nevermind, it’s here, hold on - Tom, Steve, Jane, Buck,
MARK THEN MARA - fuck, good thing I checked that-
Simon looks over at Shyster, who is reading the
letter.
What’s that?
SHYSTER
A letter.
SIMON
The letter?
SHYSTER
Fan mail.

SIMON
Handwritten?
SHYSTER
Usually.

SIMON
On green paper?
SHYSTER
(looks up)
What?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

SIMON
Nothing.
SHYSTER
Great.

Pause. Simon gets anxious.

SIMON
Is it the same letter or a new one?

SHYSTER
I don’t know.
SIMON
Is she still going on about Vermont?

SHYSTER
Yeah, it’s nice up there.
SIMON
I mean about you.

SHYSTER
Is she still going on about me?
SIMON
Are you going to move?

Shyster reads the letter.

Shyster, are you-
SHYSTER
I just like reading it.

SIMON
Can you do it after?
SHYSTER
Read?

SIMON
After the show-
SHYSTER
I prefer to do it now-

SIMON
I prefer to stay in (the show)-
SHYSTER
I’m reading it now.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

SIMON
Can you at least not do it in front of me?
SHYSTER
You care more about this than I do-

SIMON
Right, cause it seems like you’re not giving a shit-
SHYSTER
Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t-

SIMON
You know that the reviewer is from the Tribune?
SHYSTER
And either she likes it or she doesn’t.

SIMON
And that doesn’t worry you at all?
SHYSTER
As much as any other review.

SIMON
This isn’t just-
SHYSTER
"This is a bad show. Snivelling, drivelling, (blah blah
blah)" the same thing, over and over - what’s your
obsession with impressing these people?
SIMON
The Evanston Star is not the Tribune.

SHYSTER
It’s a newspaper.
SIMON
Do you know how many readers it gets? 180,000 people
are going to read that tomorrow, and decide whether or
not we still exist.
SHYSTER
Twice that many people have said we haven’t existed for
three years.

SIMON
Oh fuck off Shyster-
SHYSTER
It’s one more bad review-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

SIMON
That ONE review by that ONE woman is the only thing
that we-
Stagehand enters.

STAGEHAND
Hey guys, sorry, five.
Pause.

SHYSTER
What?
STAGEHAND
There are five reviewers out there.

Pause.
SIMON
Why are you bringing-
STAGEHAND
The Tribune, The Star, The Sun but nobody takes their
art section seriously, Vanity Fair and VICE Canada.
SIMON
What are you fucking saying-

STAGEHAND
Also Vulture, and VICE Indonesia, sorry they’re really
trying to push VICE Indonesia, so 7. Right, 7.
Pause. He sees it’s worrying Simon.
Great show, keep it up, don’t even think about this.
Stagehand leaves.
SIMON
Do you see what’s riding on tonight?

SHYSTER
I feel like that’s pretty on the nose, don’t you think?
SIMON
Can you take this seriously?

SHYSTER
(laughs)
When did I stop being serious?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.

SIMON
We pay twelve-hundred dollars a night for this venue.
If six-hundred and thirty people don’t come to this
show in the next four days, we close.

Halfway through, Shyster mumbles something like

’Jesus’ or groans.
This isn’t a _(7)_ Day show, Shyster.
SHYSTER
Because this could be the rest of our lives-

SIMON
It could be!
SHYSTER
Do you really want that?

SIMON
It’s better than plowing a fucking field all day in
Vermont with your stodgy wife who understands you so
well.

SHYSTER
Stop talking about Clarissa like she’s the reason
you’re like this-
SIMON
Like what?

SHYSTER
You liked her. You liked her when this started.
SIMON
I like her-
SHYSTER
She’s not deciding anything for me.
SIMON
She’s seducing you-
SHYSTER
I’m my own fucking person, Simon.
SIMON
-with this white picket fence fantasy.
SHYSTER
What’s so wrong about that?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

SIMON
That’s not...(to say us)... That’s not you.
Stagehand enters.
STAGEHAND
Hey guys, 3 minutes until you’re on but like, a short 3
minutes.
SHYSTER
What?

STAGEHAND
It’s like, it’s like one and a half.
SIMON
Fuck - what’s next?

SHYSTER
Great.
Shyster puts away letter.

SIMON
What’s the next scene?
SHYSTER
Emily Cosgrove.

SIMON
I’m going to fuck up the order.
SHYSTER
You’re fine.

The two enter and sit for Emily Cosgrove.

 28.

SCENE 11 (3:30)
Emily sits alone on a chair, getting ready for her
wedding.
EMILY
What a wonderful day to get married!
CHORUS
To Emily Cosgrove!
EMILY
What a wonderful start to the rest of your life.
CHORUS
Woah, Woah
EMILY
This is it,
This is how,
Only twenty-four hours from now,
I’ll be,
CHORUS
Emily Cosgrove!
EMILY
Married to me!
CHORUS
She’s getting married
To herself (and nobody else)!

Song change style. Slow ballad.

PRICILLA
I’m Pricilla

CHORUS
Woah, woah
PRICILLA
The wedding planner.

CHORUS
Woah, woah
PRICILLA
I’ve got the guest book ready,
And at any second,
All of the hundreds of people will start to come in-
Key change. Guests.
 29.

TOM
I’m Tom (hey Tom!)
I’m here from Seattle
I took the red-eye flight
For Emily’s Wedding

STEVE
I’m Steve (hey Steve!)
I’m also here from Seattle,
I’ve never met Tom,
But I’m here for the wedding.

Three musical chimes.

JANE
I’m Jane (Hey Jane!)
And I’m desperately single,
I’m gonna meet me a man while I’m
Here at the wedding
BUCK
I’m Buck (hey Buck!)
And I’m horribly racist,
I’m trying to keep it at bay
While I’m here at the wedding.
Three musical chimes. Chorus on the speakers -
chorus could be on the speakers. Like a big
broadway cast recording.

MARK
I’m Mark (hey Mark!)
And I’m Emily’s cousin,
So I feel obligated
To be at the wedding

MARA
I’m Mara (Hey Mara!)
I’m really really cheap
I’m here for the appetizers
Not for the wedding
Three musical chimes.
KAITLYN
I’m Kaitlyn (Hey Kaitlyn)
And I’m at the wrong wedding
Do you know how to get to-
CHORUS
Enjoy the wedding!
 30.

GREG
I’m Greg (Hey Greg!)
And I forgot my shirt?
Do you have an extra shirt?

CHORUS
Yeah, here you go Greg!
Stagehand tosses Greg a shirt.
Three musical chimes.

LACY
I’m Lacy (Hey Lacy!)
And I’ve got two kids
But I don’t know where they are
Cause I’m drunk at the wedding

MIKE
I’m Mike (Hey Mike)
And I’m here with Lacy
Have you seen my kids?
CHORUS
No we’re drunk at the wedding!
Three musical chimes.
ALYSSA
I’m Alyssa (Hey Alyssa)
And I double parked my car
Do you think that’s okay?
CHORUS
No! Not at this wedding!

HANNAH
I’m Hannah (hey Hannah!)
And I’m vegematarian,
Do you think they have-

CHORUS
No!
HANNAH
What?

CHORUS
You’re ruining the wedding!
Three musical chimes.
 31.

STU
I’m Stu (Hey Stu!)
I’m addicted to cocaine.
Would you like some cocaine?

CHORUS
YES GIVE US THE COCAINE!
SARAH
I’m Sarah (Hey Sarah!)
And I’m only twelve
Can I have some punch?
CHORUS
NOT UNTIL YOU TRY COCAINE WITH US!
Three musical chimes

AARON
I’m Aaron-
CHORUS
HEY AARON, NO ONE LIKES YOU AARON!

AARON
But I’m Emily’s best-
CHORUS
NO! GET OUT OF THE WEDDING!

DIERDA
I’m Diedra (Hey Diedra!)
I think someone stole my wallet-
CHORUS
WELL TOO BAD DIEDRA
HOPE YOU DIE AT THE WEDDING!
Three musical chimes.

CHORUS
We’re the Chorus (HEY CHORUS!)
And we’re here to black out!
Overdose in the bathroom
Start a fire at the wedding

Then we’ll drown (IN THE HOT TUB)

And fight Emily’s parents
Kick a kid (IN THE FACE)
And tell him Santa’s not real
Stab a priest (THROUGH THE HEART)
Rob a bank (HANG A COP)
Take a picture (AT A BOOTH)
(MORE)
 32.

CHORUS (cont’d)
With your friends and family
Who you love more than anything
(WE LOVE YOU EMILY!!! FOREVER! Sound
collage)
Emily’s wedding
Emily’s wonderful wacky (wonderful wacky)
Wedding celebration!
Here she is
Here she is
Here she comes
There she goes
The bride and bride
JACKSON
I’m Jackson (Hey Jackson!)
I’m the local Sheriff (CHLDREN’S YEAHS AND LAUGHTER)
and Emily died in a car accident on the way to the
wedding. I’m so sorry.
Button

Scene 12
[Optional 7 shows - larry/supers]
Simon and Shyster are onstage.

SIMON
That, of course, was our show ’Emily Cosgrove’s
Wonderful Wacky Wedding’
SHYSTER
Which we performed alongside the real-life nuptuals of
Emily Cosgrove to Emily Cosgrove.
SIMON
We were as close to famous as we’d ever be.

SHYSTER
Touching the sky with our melting wings.
SIMON
We were household names.

SHYSTER
As big as two unknowns could ever be.
SIMON
We were at the peak, and ready to climb higher-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.

SHYSTER
But then, something happened.
THUNDER

SIMON
Something that dragged us from our peak and hurled us
to rock bottom.
SHYSTER
For anyone already familiar with the scandal, please
bare with us.
SIMON
But for all those who are new, our downfall began when
we wrote... Red Clover.

Show poster.
SHYSTER
The show followed a famous folk legend of our home
town.

SIMON
The story of Clover Samuels, the town’s first mayor.
SHYSTER
A beloved man by day, Clover was a ruthless adulterer
by night.
SIMON
And when the sun set, he would slink away from his wife
and kids-

SHYSTER
To a rusty shack on the outskirts of town-
SIMON
Which under looked an ancient treehouse-

SHYSTER
To melt into the sweet touch of his mistress, and town
drunk, Quasimara.
Giggles.

SHYSTER
Legend says that one dark night, right after hours of
satisfaction and masochistic bondage-
SIMON
Quasimara told Clover that she was pregnant with his
lovechild.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.

SHYSTER
She thought he would be furious, but instead, he softly
embraced her, took a deep breath... and pushed her out
of the treehouse.

SIMON
The next morning, she was found dead, and Clove was
found happily in office, just like any other day.
SHYSTER
And it wasn’t until 57 years later, when Clover was on
his deathbed, that he let slip the secret from his
salty lips.
SIMON
The world finally knew the truth about Clover and
Quasimara.

SHYSTER
So the town gently lifted him from his deathbed,
carried him to Centre Park, and hung him in the warm
morning light of autumn.

SIMON
The story was filled with suspense, betrayal and
heartbreak-
SHYSTER
And, what better way to re-enact it than at the
original location?
SIMON
Something never done before!

SHYSTER
Turning the folk legend into a full length show, set in
the actual shack and the actual treehouse.
SIMON
We performed it for five people at a time-

SHYSTER
Bringing them from scene to scene-
SIMON
Until the climactic moment-

SHYSTER
When Clover pushes Quasimara out of the treehouse.
SIMON
I was playing Clover-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35.

SHYSTER
And I was Quasimara-
SIMON
I was in the treehouse, with 5 audience members.

SHYSTER
And I had just been pushed to my death below.
SIMON
I heard a shriek from the audience, and turned to see
what had happened. I barely caught sight of it - a
pregnant woman, whose water had just broken, was
rushing to get down the ladder and to a hospital. But,
she moved too fast, and slipped on the edge.
SHYSTER
I watched from the ground as she fell to her death
beside me.
SIMON
Because of where the audience was standing, they
thought that my turn, to see what was wrong, was a push
that knocked the woman out of the treehouse.. There was
no time to explain. Within minutes, camera crews were
on the scene, painting me as a murderer.
From audience: MURDERER! HE SKILLED HER, I SAW IT!

SIMON
We used every cent of our broadway savings to cover
legal fees.
SHYSTER
I remember the day that Simon was acquitted, leaving
the courts and hacking and slashing through the
protesters-
SIMON
We did-

SHYSTER
Someone spit on me, and because they were vaguely
Hispanic, they were prosecuted and convicted of a hate
crime.

SIMON
We did the only thing we could...
 36.

Scene 14 (2:00)
SHYSTER
We took a hiatus.
SIMON
Canceling all future performances indefinitely.
SHYSTER
And started the period in our lives known to ourselves
as ’The Dark Years’,

SIMON
Or, ’The Troubles’.
Thunder sounds. Rain. Simon is at a convinience
store.

SIMON
Can I get a bag of crunchy dill.
CLERK
Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Simon sighs, leaving without the bag of crunchy

chips. He battles through the rain until he gets
to the apartment.
Shyster sits on a chair with a beer. He angrily
crunches a remote. He looks at Simon.

SHYSTER
Where are the chips?
SIMON
I couldn’t get them.

SHYSTER
What?
SIMON
They were out.

SHYSTER
They were out or some guy called you an asshole again?
SIMON
Fuck off.
SHYSTER
I’m going on a trip.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 37.

SIMON
No, we’re staying here.

SHYSTER
You can stay here. I’m going.
SIMON
How am I going to get food? Everyone hates me, they
won’t let me buy anything.

SHYSTER
I don’t know. Forage. Steal from a garden. Steal from
an old person. I’m going on a trip.
SIMON
Where are you going?
SHYSTER
I don’t know, Vermont.
SIMON
Vermont, or I don’t know?
SHYSTER
I don’t know.
SIMON
Great.
Pause. Shyster stands.
SHYSTER
Can I have my two dollars back so I can buy my crunchy
dills?
Simon gives him two dollars. Shyster exits.
Lights down.

Lights up. Shyster is driving. He looks down at

the gas.
SHYSTER
Goddamnit.

Shyster pulls off. He gets out, and fills up his

tank. He goes inside.
CLARISSA
Hi Sir.

Shyster double takes, Clarissa looking down at a

book. Shyster gets a chocolate bar and walks up.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 38.

SHYSTER
Pump 5.
Clarissa looks up, stunned for a second.
SHYSTER
Is that that new Gerald Plumridge book... Between Here
and Nothing?
CLARISSA
Yeah, I just started.

SHYSTER
His last one was great.
CLARISSA
Oh my god, way better than his first.

SHYSTER
I haven’t seen a Butty-Nutter Bar in like, 10 years.
CLARISSA
Oh, we’re the only place in the country that still
carries them.
SHYSTER
Really?
CLARISSA
Yeah, they’re my favourite. I order them myself.
SHYSTER
They’re my favourite.
CLARISSA
You’re just saying that.
SHYSTER
Yeah, so are you.

CLARISSA
(giggles)
Yeah...
Shyster faces audience.

SHYSTER
I know what you’re thinking: did we fall in love? Yes.
Shyster walks back to apartment, opens door. Simon
is laying on floor, holding stomach. Shyster is
holding a letter.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 39.

SIMON
What’s that?
SHYSTER
A letter.

SIMON
I don’t want to read it.
SHYSTER
It’s not for you.

SIMON
It’s yours?
SHYSTER
Yes.

SIMON
From who?
SHYSTER
Just someone from Vermont.

SIMON
Someone?
SHYSTER
Clarissa.

Clarissa’s name scrawls in cursive pink hearts on

screen. Quick musical tag of ’Clarissa’.
Scene 15 (5:30)

The two are still in the apartment.

SIMON
Does she have any money?
SHYSTER
What?
SIMON
Cause we are shit broke.
SHYSTER
There’s always Montana Toyota.
SIMON
I hate that guy.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 40.

SHYSTER
He’s got connections. And he’s the only guy who will
talk to us.
SIMON
What are we going to do, a corporate musical?
Business man walks out. Bluetooth earpiece from
2002.
MONTANA
Hey douchedweebs. Have I got some opportunities for
you. I’ve got companies lining up like frogs, asking me
to put together motivational corporate performances,
and guess who came to mind?
SIMON
Who?
MONTANA
You two. And, even better, I can pay you fifty bucks
for every show you write.

SHYSTER
Fifty dollars each?
MONTANA
If you write two shows.

SHYSTER
Oh.
MONTANA
Anyways, pitch me some stuff.

SIMON
I feel like I’m comprimising my artistic integrity.
MONTANA
Do you want your fifty dollars or not?

SHYSTER
Okay, uhm, like Kolgate - right? What am I...
Toothpaste?
Simon pulls out poster.

Do a few more of those.

MONTANA
Wow guys, these are good. But how about fifty dollars
every night for two months.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 41.

SHYSTER
Two months - woah.
MONTANA
Let’s just say I know a guy, at McDondos. Regional
manager. Big ideas. Looking to motivate the work force,
all over the country. He asked for you two
specifically. Actually - he’s just out in the car. Let
me go grab him.
Montana walks off. Reenters with a hat.

MR. MCDONDO
Hey folks, Mr. McDondo here.
SIMON AND SHYSTER
Oh, hi.
MR. MCDONDO
I don’t know if you know this, but my father started
this company 65 years ago, and would have run it into
the ground if it weren’t for me and my ideas.

SHYSTER
Cool.
MR. MCDONDO
And so here’s what I’m thinking - you, the big one, you
dress up as a Big Don Burger.
SHYSTER
Okay-
MR. MCDONDO
You, little guy, you’re the competiton - a stupid,
dumb, sloppy, wet Burger Queen Wooper.
SIMON
Right-

MR. MCDONDO
And so listen. You two come in at like, midnight. The
whole staff is there at the restaurant. You hop up on
the tables, we’ll push like 5 together, and then..

Looks at them for understanding.

SIMON
We sing?
SHYSTER
(singing)
McDondos-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 42.

SIMON AND SHYSTER

McDondos, the best-

MR. MCDONDO
Yes, and then you beat the shit out of each other.
SHYSTER
What?

MR. MCDONDO
You know, make it close, like, don’t just let the Big
Don Burger win easy, you know? We want a good fight.
But like, for brand alignment and all that, it would
look great if the Wooper got knocked out. A fight to
the knockout, let’s say.

SIMON
Stagefighting?
MR. MCDONDO
Yeah, except you actually hit each other.

SHYSTER
(sigh)
Okay.
Shake hands. Wrestlemania music. Channel 77 News
and Sports Betting intro. Announcer voice.
ANNOUNCER
In this corner, weighing in with 150 pounds of quality
angus beef, real jack cheddar cheese and smothered in
delicious, now 100% safe-to-consume McDondo’s sauce,
The Big Don Burger!
Shyster comes out, sad. Sirens.
ANNOUNCER
And over in the loser’s corner, weighing in at 20
pounds of fucking shit-ass meat with a stupid bun, this
piece-of-crap garbage-burger fuck- The Burger Queen
Wooper!
Boos. Simon enters sad.

ANNOUNCER
Fight!
Bells. Silence. A Nerf bat rolls out to Shyster.
Shyster sadly picks it up, sighs. Simon shrugs.
Shyster hits him as hard as he can. Simon falls.
Ending wrestlemania music.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 43.

ANNOUNCER
What a fight folks, can you believe the-
Fades out. Take off costumes.
Scene 16 (2:00)

SIMON
That, I think, was the lowest point of my entire life.
SHYSTER
Rock bottom.
SIMON
I had to get a total of forty-three stitches in two
months.

SHYSTER
That was at least half the money we made.
SIMON
But, like a tiny flashlight in the colonoscopy of our
lives-

SHYSTER
A miracle happened, halfway across the country.
Cut to TV.

NEWSCASTER
This just in, at the final performance of celebrated
thespian Ricky Regarless’s latest production, Daisy
Daisy, the dramaturge stood up during the final bows
and shot fourteen people to death, injuring none, later
saying "I knew exactly who I wanted to kill." Here’s a
quote from Regardless as he was taken into custody:
"When those fucking people sit there, they sit there
the whole show, and don’t laugh, don’t even fucking
smile, in my mind, they deserve to die. I feel no
remorse, and welcome my punishment."
Well folks, I think it’s safe to say that any
wrongdoings in the theatre community have now been
absolved without question. All eyes are on Mr.
Regardless today. You know what? I can’t even remember
that other thing. For Channel 78 Theatre News and
Televangelism, I’m Dandy Fleebowitz.
SIMON
For once in the past 2 years, we weren’t at the bottom-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 44.

SHYSTER
We had gone from the most hated in the nation back to
just two unknowns doing theatre shows.
SIMON
We finally had a shot at redemption-
SHYSTER
Which is not necessarily what we wanted-
SIMON
It’s exactly what we wanted.
SHYSTER
We never really made that clear-
SIMON
I think we were ecstatic.
SHYSTER
A better word would be content-
SIMON
It was an opportunity! We could finally reach the
success we always wanted-
SHYSTER
Even though, we hit our peak four years ago and it
didn’t feel that great-

SIMON
It’s what we want-
SHYSTER
What we used to want-

SIMON
What we’ve always wanted-
SHYSTER
That’s a stretch-
SIMON
So that’s why, over the past two years, we’ve performed
59[?] shows.

SHYSTER
All of which, I’m sure all of you are overjoyed to
hear, we’ll be performing for you now, with no
intermission, straight through.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 45.

SIMON
The first of which is, A Streetcar Named Ethel Merman.
Music starts, lights fade, sound fades.
Simon and Shyster do unison boxsteps as lights
fade.

Scene 17
Lights come up. Simon and Shyster are in
over-the-top costumes.

SHYSTER
And that, of course, was our latest production,
Dreamonica.
SIMON
And here we are!
SHYSTER
At last-
SIMON
Doing this show, Hundred Shows Price of One-
Show poster.
SHYSTER
Our ninetieth show!

SIMON
Which means tonight, before your very eyes, we’ll be
presenting 10 new shows-
SHYSTER
Brand-new-
SIMON
Shows you’ve been asking for for years finally come
alive tonight!

SHYSTER
And where do you think we should start, Simon?
SIMON
Well, our first new show-

SHYSTER
Because I think we should start with "I Can’t Believe
It’s Not Butter Tarts!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 46.

SIMON
What-
Music Starts. Fast fade in one key.
SHYSTER
There’s no other-
Like sweet butter-
In a tart-
Heavy Heart-
Not with me, she said to me-
I can’t believe it’s not butter tarts!
SIMON
What the hell are you singing? Shyster, stop. STOP!
Shyster cuts the track with motion of cutting
neck. Track cuts.
SHYSTER
Thank you-
SIMON
What the hell was that?
SHYSTER
Our 91st show-
SIMON
No, our 91st show is "Georgio Sanguini and the Tastless
Years At Sea"
Music cue starts. Dramatic sea overture.
SIMON
Stop, no, don’t play the track right now-
Track cuts.
SHYSTER
Well that can be 92.
SIMON
You were supposed to-
SHYSTER
Who’s ready for 93?
SIMON
Shyster, you can’t just jump through these shows-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 47.

SHYSTER
Here’s "Thesaurus!"
Shyster holds up poster. Jingly boopy track
starts.
Angry, bitter
And Annoyed,
Enraged, Exhasperated
Furious and heated, Oh
Impassioned and indignant,
Iritatable, Irritated,
Irate and offended,
Outraged and resentful, oh yes,
Sullen and uptight!
Here’s more!
Affronted and antagonized,
and Chafed, exaserbated,
Fierce and fiery
So ferocious,
Fuming hot and hateful
Huffy, nettled, piqued and raging,
Storming and splenetic-
Here’s a bunch of words to say-
SIMON
I hate this bit! Shut up! Shut up!
At the same time as Thesaurus, Simon says "No, the
show is supposed to be "Georgio Sanguini and the
Tastless Years At Sea", which I will perform for
you now. Alone in a boat. Far from shore. Salt has
left my buds. I taste nothing."

Shyster is bowing.
SIMON
(to soundbooth)
Stop playing tracks for him, this isn’t the show.

SHYSTER
Thank you so much everyone-
SIMON
Shyster, look at me-

SHYSTER
Who’s ready for one more?
Music starts.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 48.

SIMON
Fuck off-
Simon runs up to the sound booth.

SHYSTER
This one is called "Lone Gorilla Somersaults"
Jungle music plays. Ooo Oos and Aa Aaas. Shyster
sings ’Gorilla’. Stagehand somersaults across the
stage in a Gorilla outfit. Nature doc voice.

Music cuts. Simon storms back onto stage holding a

Vinyl disc. He holds it so Shyster and the
audience can see, then smashes it. Jumps on it.
Gorilla stops rolling.

SIMON
(fast)
Enough of this Shyster, Jesus, we’re trying to do a
show here and you’re derailing it with these stupid
tunes, instead of just doing what we said we were doing
in the first place-
SHYSTER
(to audience)
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, it appears Simon and
Shyster were not able to get to a hundred shows-

SIMON
What are you saying-
SHYSTER
Thank you all so much for coming, really, go enjoy the
rest of your lives and forget all about us-
SIMON
(to audience)
The show isn’t over-

SHYSTER
That’s what I’m going to try to do-
SIMON
Everyone! Please sit down. This is all... This is all
part of the show!

Shyster walks offstage and grabs a beer. He comes

back on with it.
SHYSTER
Everything is part of the show! This real beer is part
of the show.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 49.

SIMON
Yes! Right! We’re almost there, aren’t we Shyster? Just
10 more fucking shows.
SHYSTER
10 more fucking shows.
SIMON
Yes-
SHYSTER
Why don’t we see if the audience actually wants to sit
through 10 more shows. Sir! Sir! Would you like to see
10 more shows?
No response:

SHYSTER
He’s asleep! Let him go home!
Response: No
SHYSTER
Thank you! Thank God.
Response: Yes
SIMON
See!

SHYSTER
That guy is literally part of the show.
SIMON
What-

SHYSTER
We pay him. He’s paid to say yes.
Back to the show:

SIMON
Stop putting words in the audiences mouth!
SHYSTER
This is a bad show!

Shyster turns to face Simon; starts slowly pacing

towards him.
SIMON
Why are you saying that?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 50.

SHYSTER
This is a bad show.

SIMON
Are you reading the fucking review again?
SHYSTER
This is a bad show!

SIMON
Why are you doing this?
SHYSTER
This is a bad show!

SIMON
Shut up!
SHYSTER
This is a bad show!

SIMON
Shut up, shut up!
The two talk over each other.
SHYSTER
This is a bad show-
SIMON
Shut up-
Stagehand pushes the two apart and rips off his
Gorilla head.
STAGEHAND
Okay! Alright? Alright? Jesus.

Looks at audience.
Sorry folks, one second.
Back to Simon and Shyster.
What is going on? This is a show, this is YOUR show!
People are-are paying to sit here and you two just
keep, you just... what is happening?
SIMON
Stagehand, please-
STAGEHAND
This is exhausting! And don’t call me stagehand, the
show is over. You’ve ruined it. Robin’s here now,
you’re talking to Robin.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 51.

SHYSTER
Robin-
STAGEHAND
Not stagehand.

SIMON
Relax, Robin, it’s alright-
STAGEHAND
No it’s not! Nothing’s alright! Nothing between you two
is ever alright!
Breath.
I’m standing here in a gorilla costume, and you two are
just shouting. Shouting!

SHYSTER
I’m not shouting anymore-
STAGEHAND
You said you two wanted a comeback show. You said you
wanted another shot, and here we are, on the big night,
after I put together this whole thing and swallowed
seven swords, and you two are just having a hissy fit
up here. This is ridiculous.
Paces in a small circle.

SIMON
Robin, listen to me-
STAGEHAND
No, you listen to me. And stop speaking with that
stupid accent.

SIMON
What?
STAGEHAND
I know it’s fake. I hear you talking to your mother.
Pause.
Yes Simon, I knoooow! It’s fake! You’re fake!
Beat.

SIMON
Alright.
STAGEHAND
And you! You know what you’re doing-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 52.

SHYSTER
What do you mean what I’m doing?
STAGEHAND
You’re up here with your - indifference... And you’re
egging him on. You’re just, winding him up. You know
how he gets and you keep pushing him-
SHYSTER
I’m not pushing him, I’m drinking a beer-

STAGEHAND
Oh shut up, stop it with your casual ’everything’s
fine’ thing because no it’s not. You don’t even want to
be here!
SHYSTER
What? Robin-
STAGEHAND
Do you know how hard it’s been trying to find a
replacement?

SIMON
A replacement?
STAGEHAND
You thought, what, I’ll just spring this all on Robin
two days before the show, is that it? ’Ohhh I think I
only have a week left in me then I’m gone?’
SIMON
Wait a second, what’s going on?
STAGEHAND
I have been on the phone for 48 hours trying to find
someone for next freaking week you...You dick!
SHYSTER
You really want to talk about this now?

STAGEHAND
When are you ever going to talk about it, Shyster?
SIMON
What are we talking about? You’re leaving?

STAGEHAND
You do this with everything - why can’t you just have a
regular conversation about anything?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 53.

SHYSTER
What - what is this, regular conversation?
SIMON
Shyster, are you leaving?

Shyster breathes.
STAGEHAND
He deserves to know, he-

SHYSTER
Yes, Simon.
STAGEHAND
-needs to hear this from you.

SIMON
What?
STAGEHAND
Tell him! Tell him-

SHYSTER
I just told him! He knows.
STAGEHAND
-about this whole Vermont thing.

SIMON
No, no I don’t know!
SHYSTER
Stop! I’m telling him-

STAGEHAND
Simon, relax-
SIMON
What Vermont thing?

SHYSTER
-I’m getting to it-
SIMON
What Vermont thing?

STAGEHAND
-come on, Simon, just think about it-
SHYSTER
The Vermont.. The-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 54.

SIMON
Wait - Clarissa?
STAGEHAND
-you don’t deserve this-

SHYSTER
Oh, yes he does-
SIMON
Oh my God - it’s Clarissa, isn’t it?

SHYSTER
Yes, yes it’s Clarissa, of course it’s Clarissa!
Beat.

SIMON
A week?
Beat. Shyster breathes.
Shyster-

SHYSTER
Yes, God - what do you want me to say? Yes, a week.
STAGEHAND
A week to find a new lead.

SIMON
You’re leaving.
SHYSTER
Simon-

SIMON
You’re leaving, you’re leaving-
SHYSTER
Settle down, buddy-

Simon calmly freaks out.

STAGEHAND
Simon-

SIMON
Oh my God. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, what- what is- fuck. Fuck.
SHYSTER
Oh stop. Stop! Jesus, Simon - why? Why did you have to
bring this up right now?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 55.

STAGEHAND
Me? Because you were never going to bring it up!
SHYSTER
Becuase I didn’t want this to happen - I just wanted to
leave-

STAGEHAND
That’s not how it works, Shyster-
SIMON
Fuck, fuck-
STAGEHAND
You can’t just walk out of somewhere and expect that
nothing happens-

SHYSTER
I don’t care what happens-
STAGEHAND
How can you even say that? To me? To him?

SHYSTER
I don’t care-
STAGEHAND
Say it to him.

SHYSTER
What?
STAGEHAND
Say it to him. Don’t say it to me - say it to him.

Simon is on the side of the stage, breathing

deeply, maybe doing some sort of anxiety attack
exercise. Reassuring, coping statements, etc.
SHYSTER
He’s not-
STAGEHAND
I’m not the one who needs to hear this Shyster-
SHYSTER
Oh come on-
STAGHAND
You’re doing this. You’re leaving.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 56.

SHYSTER
Yes, I’m leaving-
STAGEHAND
Stop telling me! Tell him! Tell him, Shyster-

SHYSTER
I don’t want to do this anymore-
STAGHAND
Tell him!

SHYSTER
Stop saying that-
STAGEHAND
You can’t do it-

SHYSTER
You know him, you know how he gets. how am I supposed
to-
STAGEHAND
You can’t do it.
SHYSTER
I don’t need to do it.
STAGEHAND
Of course you don’t-
SHYSTER
There’s no point in even doing this-
STAGHAND
You don’t need to do anything Shyster, do you? You can
just leave. You can just walk away and leave me and him
behind and not have to worry about it.
SHYSTER
This is not-
STAGEHAND
(to audience)
I’m so sorry everyone. This is.. Just some opening
night jitters.. You can’t predict everything, it is,
the theatre. Thank you, drive home safely, goodnight.
SHYSTER
Stop it, Robin. Robin-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 57.

STAGEHAND
Turn the lights down.
SHYSTER
Robin, please, come on-

Stagehand walks off, Shyster trailing. Simon is

still freaking out. Lights fade.
Scene 18 (3:00)
Lights up. Simon sits on a chair, holding a sealed
newspaper bag. Shyster enters, sipping a beer.
Simon looks up, but doesn’t say anything. Shyster
sits down, staring forward.

SIMON
Do you want to open it or should I?
SHYSTER
You should.

SIMON
Okay.
Beat. Simon doesn’t open it.
What do you think it says?

SHYSTER
The review?
SIMON
Yeah.

SHYSTER
I don’t know, why don’t you open it.
SIMON
Right.

Beat. Simon doesn’t open it.

Do you think they’re going to talk about...
SHYSTER
What?

SIMON
Nothing.
SHYSTER
Can you just open it?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 58.

SIMON
Do you want to?
SHYSTER
You said you wanted me to come and read the review. I’m
here. Read the review.

SIMON
Shyster-
Shyster sips his beer.
Are you really leaving?
SHYSTER
What?
SIMON
Are you-
SHYSTER
Yes, Simon. I’m leaving.
SIMON
Right.
SHYSTER
Yeah.
SIMON
Do you think we’re going to do another show?
Shyster looks at Simon for the first time in the
scene.
SHYSTER
Simon-
SIMON
Are we going to do another show, do you think?
SHYSTER
Maybe.
SIMON
Do you want to?

Beat.
SHYSTER
Sure. Sure.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 59.

SIMON
I hope the review is good.
SHYSTER
Yeah.

SIMON
That they don’t talk about the...
SHYSTER
I’m sure they won’t.

SIMON
I think Emily Cosgrove went well, you know.
SHYSTER
Yeah.

SIMON
I think they’ll like that.
SHYSTER
Yeah, they will.

SIMON
Do you remember the first time we did that?
SHYSTER
What?

SIMON
Emily Cosgrove, the first time we did that show.
SHYSTER
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do.

SIMON
That was fun. That was a lot of fun.
SHYSTER
Yeah, it was the same place we did Chicken Variations,
right?
SIMON
I didn’t even realize that-

SHYSTER
What was that guys name, the booking guy?
SIMON
The guy who booked us?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 60.

SHYSTER
He was really strange, that guy.

SIMON
Haha, yeah. He was. He was strange.
SHYSTER
He had that like, thing with his walk.

SIMON
The waddle thing.
SHYSTER
Right, right. (laughs a little)

Pause.
SIMON
Do you actually want to read this?
Beat.

SHYSTER
No.
SIMON
Alright.

SHYSTER
But you can.
SIMON
Okay.

Beat.
SHYSTER
Do you want me to leave?

SIMON
What?
SHYSTER
So you can read it?

SIMON
Oh. Um. Sure.
SHYSTER
Right, okay.

Shyster stands. Simon stares at the newspaper.

Let me know what they say.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 61.

SIMON
Right, sure thing.
Shyster waits a moment, looking at Simon, then
walks out.

Simon sits and looks at the newpaper in the bag.

Deep breath. He sets it on the table.
SIMON
I’m sure it’s good.

Simon looks forward.

SIMON
I’m sure it’s a good review.

Simon stands. Deep breath. Walks away.

Lights fade to black.
Scene 19 (2:00)

TV comes on. Slow fade in as music comes on. Simon

in a comedy club.
SIMON
-what doesn’t make sense, is why don’t ghosts just tell
us that they’re there? Just appear. Hi. I’m a ghost.
Do you think there’s some weird sitdown when you die,
that’s like ’Hey, you’re a ghost now. Let’s go over a
couple guidelines.’
Like, is there some sort of Paranormal Protocol you
have to follow? Like do you have to submit a proposal -
like, here’s what I would do, if given the opportunity
to be a ghost in someone’s house forever- Thank you
guys, that’s my time-
Claps. Fade to Shyster ploughing a field. Sun is
setting. Nice shot from far away. Shaky cam.

Cut to shot of Shyster in tux. Handheld from wife

POV. He laughs and smiles. He flips the camera
back to Clarissa. She laughs and smiles.
Cut to Simon on stage at a larger festival. No
sound. He is having fun.

Cut to home videos of Shyster on the farm, with

family, buying house, etc.
Cut to shot of Simon on Australian Talk show.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 62.

AUSSIE
-back with Simon Cowell, the once lead star in Dad
Jokes: The Musical. Simon, thank you so much for being
with us here tonight.

SIMON
Thank you so much for having me.
AUSSIE
You’ve been developing yourself quite prominently as a
stand up comedian, these past years. But I have to ask
- what are you and Shyster working on these days? Can
you tell us? What’s next - what’s next for you?
SIMON
Well.. We’ve actually - it’s actually been a couple of
years since we’ve worked together. He’s off, working on
his family. And I’m off, working on my career. We’re
kind of doing our own things, you know?
AUSSIE
Right, yeah, sure. But when will we get to see another
Simon and Shyster Presents? We want to see it, don’t
you want to see it?
Audience claps.
SIMON
Well, we’d have to be in the right place together
again, and, honestly, I haven’t really talked to him at
all, in a few years-
AUSSIE
A few years? Well let me at least ask you this then -
do you ever think of reaching out? Just even saying
Hello again?
SIMON
Well... No. No, not really.

Video fades. Everything is darkness.

Scene.
END