“How

come he
NEVER…”

“Why
does
she

ALWAYS…
”
A Gendered Look at
why “he ALWAYS” and
“she NEVER”
 “Why does she
always
correct me when I
speak? It drives me
crazy, especially
when I’m trying to
make a point! Who
cares if I say, ‘He
did bad’?”
Perhaps she is more educated or of higher
socioeconomic status than you are. American
linguist, William Labov, found that the higher
one climbs up the social scale, the more formal
their speech style becomes. She may be using
prestigious forms (like “walking” instead of
“walkin”) because she is more conscious of her
social status than you are (Trudgill).
Remember: Her position in society is less
secure than yours, so she may be
 “How come
he NEVER
talks about
anyone but
himself! He’s
always like ‘I
did this…, I
won that…, I
have this…,
bla bla bla’?”
This is typical. Barbara Johnstone’s research on
storytelling reveals that men are usually the
protagonists in their own stories. Men tell
stories to display their own strength, skill, and
wit. He just can’t help it, dear. Remember:
Society expects men to be strong and powerful.
Even their dangerous and heroic stories fall
victim to these expectations.
 “Why does she
ALWAYS have to
argue with me
that our house is
not white? ‘It is
ecru,’ she says!”

Robin Lakoff’s work on “women’s

language” reveals women pay more
attention to distinct details, details
that for men may be too trivial to be
bothered with. Besides, there is too
much work to do, money to make, and
food to put on the table to worry if the
white paint you’re using actually
 “Why does it
ALWAYS seem
Like he’s not
listening to
me? He never
gives me his
full attention!”

Pamela Fishman’s research on gender roles

in private conversations found that women
use “interested listener” noises like “mm”
and “yeah” to supportively develop a topic
and encourage the speaker. Men, however,
seldom use these responses perhaps
because their speaking style is not as
collaborative as women’s, but in your case,
perhaps he’s trying to curtail a topic that
 “Why does she
ALWAYS say “You
know?” several
times when she’s
talking? NO! I
don’t know! Just
say what you need
to say!”

Feminist, Robin Lakoff suggests that the

female use of such hedges (like “well”,
“sort of”, and “you know”) helps to reduce
the force of what is being said so the
speaker does not come across too
assertive. Women, the social-conscious
creatures that they are, may fear seeming
too masculine if they are direct. Just like
they’re high priced beauty creams, hedges
 “Why does he
ALWAYS interrupt
me when I’m
speaking? Why
can’t he just wait
until I finish a
sentence? He
thinks what he has
to say is more
important than
what I have to say!
It’s just
After research on turn-taking in interviews,
rude!”
Australian linguist, Joanne Winter, concluded
that men often compete for turns in talking
and use interruptions as a way to seize and
dominate the talk. In contrast to women’s
collaborative and supportive speaking style,
men are highly competitive in conversations.
Don’t take it personally, dear! Strap on your
armor and keep on talking!
 “She ALWAYS wants to
tell me what her friends
say… in great detail, but
this is all I hear: ‘She
said…. And then he was
like…. But she was like
…. And then I said….’
Bla, Bla, Bla!”

Unlike the exciting and adventurous

stories that men tell, Barbara Johnstone
found that women’s stories are often full
of dialogue between people because
women are very attentive to social
realities. Therefore, women go to great
lengths to reconstruct the social relations
between characters in their stories. For
the danger-loving male, this storytelling
process can be as painful as a root canal.
 There you have it.
As different as men and women are, so are their communication
styles. But, let’s consider where we learned to converse so
differently.

1. Education and the socioeconomic opportunities of one’s

family influences their language.

2. Differences in language use are the result of social attitudes

about the proper behavior of men and women.

3. Patriarchal societies have deemed male language the

“norm”. Women’s language features have, therefore, been
compared to this norm. The problem: what differs from the
“norm” is typically represented as a deficiency.
Remember: Sex is biologically founded
whereas gender is socially constructed or
learned. In other words, people acquire the
characteristics that their society deems
masculine or feminine. Therefore, how one
speaks is not based on their sex, but
instead on their learned gender. Limiting
women to speaking one way and men to
speaking another reiterates the stereotypes
which led to the ideas of gender-appropriate
speech in the first place. More recent
research has led to the understanding that
women can and do use speech styles
typically thought of as male and vice versa.
This guide (which you likely readily accepted)
demonstrates the pervasive influence of existing
stereotypes about the sexes. Gender (and therefore
language habits based on gender difference) are
socially acquired behaviors. Secondly, men and
women’s language forms cannot be placed into a
simple checklist of differences. Language features
can shift based upon context. Conforming to these
learned language differences sustains the gender
divisions already in place.

So? What can we do?

5.Study language and gender and take care not to reproduce
these stereotypes.
6.Ladies, grab your helmets and jump into man’s combative
language practices.
7.Gentlemen, learn how to use “like” flawlessly in
 References

Fishman, Pamela (1978) Interaction: the work women do. In Talbot 1998

Fishman, Pamela (1998) Conversational insecurity. In Talbot 1998

Johnstone, Barbara (1990) Stories, Community and Place: Narratives from Middle
America.
In Talbot 1998

Johnstone, Barbara (1993) Community and contest: Midwestern men and women
creating their worlds in conversational storytelling. In Talbot 1998

Labov, William (1966) The Social Stratification of English in New York City. In
Talbot 1998

Labov, Willam and Waletsky J. (1967) Narrative anlalysis: oral versions of personal
experience. In Talbot 1998

Spender, Dale (1985) Man Made Language. In Talbot 1998

Talbot, Mary M. (1998) Language and Gender: An Introduction. Malden, MA: Polity
Press.

Tannen, Deborah (1984) Conversational Styles: analyzing Talk among Friends. In

Talbot 1998