Apology

• What is it?
• How to make it?
• When to make it?
• Any negative legal
consequences?

with a focus on negotiation and

conflict resolution
 Apology defined:
"an acknowledgment intended as
an atonement for some improper
or injurious remark or act;

an admission to another of a
wrong or discourtesy done him
accompanied by an expression of
regret."
 Timing – When to
apologize?
As soon as possible?
If too quick, it loses power and
legitimacy.
There should be some analysis and
introspection

A tension.
The offender may need time in order
to reflect upon the harm done, form
true remorse for the offense, and
prepare a heartfelt apology,
but the more an apology is delayed
 Apology in Mediation
Deborah Levi

“Tactical" (acknowledging the victim's suffering in

order to gain credibility and influence the
victim's bargaining behavior)

“Explanation" (attempting to excuse the offender's

behavior and make the other party understand that
behavior);

“Formalistic" (capitulating to the demand of an

authority figure);

“Happy-ending" (accepting responsibility and

expressing regret for the bad act).

The Role of Apology in Mediation,

72 N.Y.U. L. Rev. 1165, 1172-75 (1997)
 Apology in Mediation
Deborah Levi

"tactical" (acknowledging the victim's suffering in order to gain

credibility and influence the victim's bargaining behavior)
“I’m sorry but [I didn’t do anything wrong.]”

"explanation" (attempting to excuse the offender's behavior and

make the other party understand that behavior);
“I [here’s my excuse].”

"formalistic" (capitulating to the demand of an authority

figure);
Says the requested words. Tell you sister you are sorry.
“I’m sorry Hope.” –said sarcastically.

"happy-ending" (accepting responsibility and expressing regret

for the bad act).
Hearer is convinced the speaker believes she was at least
partially responsible and the speaker feels regret.
The Role of Apology in Mediation,
72 N.Y.U. L. Rev. 1165, 1172-75 (1997)
 An Effective Apology
1. Acknowledges legitimacy of the violated
rule and articulates that rule

2. Admits fault

3. Expresses genuine remorse

by Lee Taft
 An Effective Apology
1. Acknowledgment
2. Explanation
3. Remorse, shame, and humility
4. Reparation

by Aaron Lazare
 An Effective Apology

1. A valid acknowledgment of the offense

2. An effective explanation

3. Expressions of remorse, shame, and

humility

4. A reparation of some kind

 1. A valid acknowledgment
of the offense

A valid acknowledgment of the offense

that makes clear who the offender is
and who is the offended. The
offender must clearly and completely
acknowledge the offense.
Not
“for whatever I did” – vague and incomplete
“mistakes were made” - - passive voice
“if mistakes have been made” - conditional
“to the degree you were hurt” – question the damage
“only a few were at fault”- minimize the offense
“sorry”
- to the wrong party or for the wrong offense
 2. An effective
explanation
An effective explanation, which
shows an offense was neither
intentional nor personal, and
is unlikely to recur.

“There is no excuse.”
Explain how you will make sure that it will
not happen again.

Not: “I wasn’t thinking.”

3. Expressions of remorse,
shame, and humility

Expressions of remorse, shame, and

humility, which show that the
offender recognizes the suffering of
the offended

“It will not happen again.”

“I should have know better.”
 4. A reparation of some
kind
A reparation of some kind, in the
form of a real or symbolic
compensation for the offender's
transgression.

If real damage:
replace or restore

If damage is symbolic or irreversible:

a gift, an honor, financial exchange,
commitment to change one’s ways, tangible
punishment of the guilty party.
 Legal Concerns
• Saying “I’m sorry” can be used
against you in court to argue
you were at fault, and
therefore liable in a lawsuit.
• A growing body of statutes
designed to allow for “safe”
apologies that can not be used
against the apologizer

– especially medical malpractice for

 Exercises
• Construct an apology
– for the Barkai loan
– for a business mistake
– For a friend
– For a disputant in mediation
 Barkai $800 Loan
Barkai
You went to your friend’s demanded the money back in
front of several people.
You were embarrassed when told to leave your
friend’s office and are angry because you have not
been repaid. You thought you could trust your
friend.
You said you would “Take ‘em to court.”

Other Disputant
You were surprised, angry, and embarrassed by
Barkai's actions at your office. It was
unnecessary. You think you lost face in front of
your co-workers. Barkai should have discussed the
matter privately with you.
You were planning to pay it back soon. You told
Barkai to leave.
Confrontations
with
Our closest
relationships
Family
Friends
Co-workers
Significant Others
Spouses
 At times,
we treat family &
friends
much worse
than total strangers
The Baby Self

v.

The Mature Self

 The Baby Self
No patience
No self-control
Self-centered, piggy, and clueless
Lives for the present
Accepts only perfection
Has unrealistic expectations

The Baby Self wants to control

everything and everybody, always.
You convey simple
information

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

 The other person has
something more to say

“You are always late.”

You feel the need to
answer back.

“I’m not always late.”

They respond to your
response

“You are always late.”

You respond again, and so
do they
You: “You’re exaggerating.”

Them: “No. What about last

Thursday? What about when I was
supposed to meet you for dinner
at 6 p.m.?”
 Another example
• “Please pass the salt.”
• “Why can’t you reach it yourself?”
• “Why can’t I reach it myself?”
• “Yeah, you are the one who wants
the salt.”
• What is your problem? Do you have
to be difficult on purpose?”
• “What is your problem?”
• "You forgot to buy milk!"

• "You never said anything about

milk."

• "Yes, I definitely did.

• You never listen.“

• "I do too listen. You never said

milk."

• "No, I did say milk. You just don't

listen."
The “Shut Up” approach
You: “I’m sorry I’m late.”
Them: “You’re always late.”

- not defending yourself:

You: “I’m sorry.”

Then say no more.

 The Number One Warning
Sign:

The feeling that you absolutely

must get them to see it your
way.

'I can't shut up,

I can't move on, and
 Guidelines

• Think: Stop talking if there is nothing to

be gained (and lots to be lost).

• Don't repeat yourself. Make your point

once (and sit down / shut up).

• Don't take their bait. Don’t get

sidetracked. Ignore it.
"You're just like your father" or "You always say that!"

• Give your advice once and move on. Don't

require them to recognize it as the most
brilliant suggestion ever..
 Get “the last word”

the way introverts do,

in Your Own Head!

SHUT UP!

Disengage
 The vast majority
of adult arguments
between close friends
or couples

do not end with instant

solutions
(if they end at all)
 The end
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It comes from an irrational but
powerful fear

of being misunderstood or
abandoned

by people we count on the most.

 Justifications for not
letting go
 Because I’m right
 It’s not fair
 Our endless list of grievances
 It’s okay if you…but if I…
 “I would have never done that”
 “She doesn’t do her share (by my
standards)
People don’t change. They are the
unreturnable item you picked out at the
store and brought home.

When misfortune occurs, it is a natural

reaction for us to seek out someone to
blame, but it is not always our best
option.

Bad is bad. And, we need to get past it and

not dwell on it.

Maybe they are being unfair (from your point

of view), and the relationship is the
relationship be basically ok.

At some point, you need to let go.

 Other problems
• Not so useful responses to
misfortune
– Holding on to hurt
• Accepting blame
• Accepting less
– Other couples seem to have it
better
– I shouldn’t have to ask (if he
really cared about me)
• Friends and relatives
• No one wants our good advice
 In the midst of
arguments:
• you demand agreement
• insist they accept your
interpretation
• relentlessly push your point
• And you can't stop.
When arguing begins -- in
fact, as soon as you feel
irritated -- disengage.

"What is necessary with

arguments is not that they
resolve,
but that they end."
 Good Arguments
1.Each person gets to make their point

2.Each person gets heard by the other

3.The argument ends

• In the middle of not getting your way,, it's
useful to ask the question: is this simply me not
getting my way, or do I have a legitimate
grievance? Just asking the question engages the
mature self. Your baby self will go down
screaming,, but move on.

• Keeping a mental ledger of past grievances is a

recipe for bitterness. Pursuing past injustices
only makes matters worse. When you don't get hung
up on unfairness, a funny thing happens: the
passage of time makes it far less relevant.

• It is the nature of arguing to believe that you

are right and the other person is wrong. Arguments
are about proving our case. But when "right and
wrong enter the argument, it becomes more
personal; each participant feels under attack.
Each feels more hurt, angrier and hence more
compelled to counterattack. Move away from moral
imperatives, and start to weigh the cost and
benefits, not whether you're right or wrong.
Resolution becomes far more possible when you ask:
"How much do I want it? How willing am I to take
this loss? Is there any way I can compromise?
The result?

Peace, positive dialogue, and

happier relationships all
around-even if deep down you
know" "you are right!
 SHUT UP!
Disengage
• "You forgot to buy milk!" "You never said anything about milk."
"Yes, I definitely did. You never listen." "I do too listen.
You never said milk." "No, I did say milk. You just don't
listen." We've all been in situations like this one — when a
loved one unintentionally provokes a confrontation. What do we
do? We stand our ground, push our point, and underscore our
reasons. We do it because we know we're right. What is it, deep
inside our being, that refuses to budge, to give in, or to shut
up before we're embroiled in a fight we don't want? Meet your
baby self. According to Dr. Anthony Wolf, this childish
personality comes out at home, at work, and in social settings
— with spouses, significant others, colleagues, and even
friends. The baby self doesn't know when to back down, it
doesn't compromise, and it can lead you to make rash and,
usually, wrong decisions. In this humorous, helpful, and eye-
opening guide, you'll learn how to deal with your baby self
when it wreaks havoc on your life. Dr. Wolf provides alternate
ways of responding to others when your baby self is ready to
scream: It's not fair! It's not my fault! You are wrong! He
offers ways to avoid the traps that sabotage all relationships,
helps us recognize the false reasons we trick ourselves into
thinking we are right, and teaches us how to let our mature
side do the talking. With scores of examples of how innocent
day-to-day conversations can erupt into conflagrations, Dr.
Wolf shows you how to disengage fast and easily. The result?
Peace, positive dialogue, and happier relationships all around
Two faces of teens
Teenagers regularly switch between their 'baby-self' and 'mature-self' images
By Susan Reimer
Those of us who are convinced that our teenagers have at least two personalities - the polished one they show to teachers and other
parents and the grumpy one they inflict on us - are right. This Eddie Haskell syndrome, according to psychologist and best-
selling author Anthony Wolf, is normal and, if we were honest, it is something we would recognise in ourselves.
"We all have two modes of operation," Wolf says. "There is the 'baby-self', the at-home, relaxed, unwinding version of ourselves. The
one who wants to be fed and get nurtured and not be bothered.
"And there is the 'mature-self' the one we are all day. The working, delayed-gratification self, who has self-control and who can
tolerate stress.
"There is a real switching of gears when we walk in the door, and it is that way for our kids, too."
Wolf's first book, Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, was
a hilarious roller coaster ride through the mind and moods of a teenager and the slim paperback became the underground, word-
of-mouth Bible of parents in the grip of their children's adolescence.
His new book is The Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids -From Toddlers to Pre-Teens Without Threats or
punishment, and it describes, with the same uncanny ear for kid-parent dialogue, this 'baby-self' that children become the
minute they drop their backpacks in the front hall.
For the baby-self, anything is too hard, everything is an irritant. They crave the deep nurturing they need to be the mature-self at
school and in the world. Home is the hyperbolic chamber for the baby-self. It can't tolerate any intrusion or any demands
during this refuelling stop. The baby-self wants what it wants.
"When the baby-self isn't getting his way, he can be very unpleasant, " Wolf says, in a huge understatement. "Would you rather have
the mature-self at home with you? Sure you would . But you don't have a choice. "
We can all recognise the baby-self Wolf describes: Demanding, whining, uncooperative, irritable, lazy and capable of launching an
emotional hand grenade at the parent if she doesn't get her way: "You wouldn't treat me like this if I wasn't adopted."
"Baby-selves have no conscience. They are ruthless," Wolf says. "They will use any weapon say anything."
This spoiled-rotten behaviour does not mean we are bad parents or that our children are monsters. In fact, if we had a videotape of
the way our child behaves at school or at a friend's dinner table, we'd be astonished.
"That's because our child's mature-self is in command when he is out in the world."
The good news, Wolf says, is that mature-self is a sneak preview of the adult your child will grow up to be. In the meantime,
interacting with the baby-self at home is very frustrating for parents. The only answer is to reduce that interaction.
"When baby-selves are not getting their way, they will resort to anything. But they will always settle for second prize, which is
you," Wolf says.
If they can't get what they want, they can at least engage their parent in a long, drawn-out argument. We see it as fighting. The
baby-self sees it as special time with Mom when the baby-self has her undivided attention.
"What the baby-self hates more than anything else is to separate from you," Wolf says, and this goes for teenagers as well as
toddlers. "They will never let go. And they will never let go first."
The solution is to disengage - fast. Make a decision, state it and then shut up. Don't let yourself get drawn into a discussion.
Don't try to defend or explain yourself.
"The baby-self won't disengage. After years of trial and error, they have crafted just the custom-tailored argument that will provoke
you," Wolf says.
And they will run you into the ground on the topic because they have nothing to lose and nothing better to do.
"The longer this process takes, the more the baby-self comes out and the more unpleasant it becomes."
If we begin to think of our obstinate, combative teens as outsized toddlers, it is much easier not to view their bad moods, verbal
darts and whining as a judgment on the job we are doing as parents, as a measure of their love for us or as a preview of what
kind of adults they will be.
If we imagine them in their footed sleepers, it is easier not to be hurt by these sometimes painful exchanges.
The problem with this approach, however, is that when we come home at the end of the day, we are looking to shed our suits and
pantyhose for the emotional equivalent of footed sleepers, too. Parents, who are mature selves all day at work or in public
want to be baby-selves at home, just like the kids.
All of us have listened with astonishment as a teacher or another adult describes our child as bright, conversant, cooperative and
delightful company. "You are talking about my child, right?" we ask, certain there has been a mistake.
Wolf gives us hope when he writes with absolute certainty that this phantom child is a preview of the adult our child will become.