DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

STAYING VS LEAVING
 A woman may fear her partner’s actions if she leaves.

• My partner said he will hunt me down and kill

me.
• My partner will kidnap the children and
disappear.
• My partner will take my passport and
immigration papers.
• My partner will spread horrible rumors about
me.
• She will “out” me at work or to my family.
 The effects of abuse may make it difficult to leave.

• I’m nothing. I don’t deserve better.

• I feel paralyzed.
• I can’t face making decisions anymore.
• I was brainwashed to believe that I couldn’t
cope without my partner.
• I am so used to life being this way.
• I’m more comfortable with what I know, than
the unknown out in the world.
 A woman may have concerns about her children.

• My children will blame me and resent me.

• The kids need a father.
• She will tell my ex-spouse or authorities that I am a
lesbian so they will take the kids.
• Children need a “real family”.
• My partner will steal the children.
• My partner will kill the children.
• My partner will turn the children against me.
• She is the biological mother; I have no legal rights.
 A partner’s attempts to isolate a woman may make it difficult for her to leave or get help.

• My partner doesn’t let me out of the house.

• I have no friends to call for help anymore.
• My partner doesn’t let me go to church so I can’t
communicate with anyone.
• If I ever tell anyone about this, my partner will kill me.
• My sister said I couldn’t come and stay with her
anymore, after the last time…
• My partner said he or she would teach my friend a
lesson if I go over there again.
A woman’s personal history may have shaped her attitude toward abuse in relationships.

• My father beat my mom – it just goes with

being in a relationship.
• Getting hit isn’t the worst thing that can
happen in a family – I know of worse things.
• I have seen a lot of violence in my country so
violence has become normal for me.
• My parents never gave up on one another.
A woman may be deeply attached to her partner and hope for change.

• I believe my partner when he or she says that it will

never happen again.
• My partner promised to go to therapy.
• I cherish the sex and intimacy.
• My partner is really loving towards me most of the
time.
• My marriage vows.
• My religion.
• I love her or him.
Some women are taught that it is their job to maintain the relationship and support their partners, so
they may feel guilty about leaving or feel they have “failed.”

• I will ruin his or her life if I leave.

• My partner will have nowhere to go.
• My partner will lose her or his job if I report this.
• My partner tells me the system does not support non-citizens.
• My partner will start drinking again.
• I will disappoint my family.  I can’t admit my relationship is a
failure.
• I am afraid the people in my community will reject me.
• I have to take care of him or her.
• She or he wouldn’t hurt me if I were better at keeping up the
house.
Women may be economically dependent on their partners or their partners may be economically
dependent on them.

• My partner has all the money.

• I’ve never had a good job.  How would I take care of my kids
alone?
• I have no work experience in this country.
• It’s better to be beaten up at home than to be out on the
streets.
• My disability does not enable me to work.
• I’d rather die than be on welfare.
• My partner forces me to work and then takes all my money.
• My partner charges up all my credit cards.
• My partner can’t work – he depends on me to support him.
 Our culture sends the message that a woman’s value depends on her being in a relationship.
 Women without partners tend to be devalued.

• My partner keeps me together.  I’ll fall apart if I

leave.
• I have to have a man by my side.
• I would be disgraced in my community and
bring shame to my family.
• People will call me a whore, a whore, or sleazy.
• I’ll be an old maid.
• I’m afraid to be on my own.
 EMOTIONAL STATE
• While experiencing the abuse, the woman's
emotional state is sometimes marked by
depression, somatic concerns, anxiety and
passivity.
These symptoms, however, are most often
linked to the relationship and lessen once she
removes herself from the abuse....
 Emotional State Cont’d
• An abused woman also has to overcome
feeling inadequate, crazy, or stupid -
something akin to brainwashing - as a result
of having been repeatedly told she was these
things while in the relationship."
LEAVING
You will be able to focus on other aspects of
your life.
It is amazing how much time and energy goes
into maintaining and dealing with an
emotionally abusive relationship. Once your
energy is turned away from how to keep your
partner from being angry or critical of you, it
can be directed toward your dreams, goals,
concerns, and aspirations.hat he would find
you
You will feel more competent and secure
in your decisions and judgments.
• When you are no longer subject to your
partner telling you that you are worthless,
incompetent, or even crazy, you will discover
that you can make good decisions, and that
your ways of doing things actually do work just
fine.
Your relationships with others will improve.

• When you are wrapped up in your own

misery, dealing with huge problems in your
own life, it prevents you from being able to
truly focus and check in to the concerns and
issues of others. This prevents you from being
able to make the kind of emotional
investment that promotes a mutually giving
friendship or family relationship.
Your feelings of dread will abate.
You will no longer be coming home to explain
yourself or defend against the criticism of your
partner and will begin to feel a greater sense
of ease in your own environment.
Your depression symptoms will improve.

While not all of your depression may be a

result of your emotionally and psychologically
abusive relationship, chances are that it has
impacted you more than you realize. Being
away from the constant barrage of negative
messages about you will do a lot to help you
overcome depressed emotions.
QUESTIONS?
THANK YOU