Working with Difficult People

STC Orange County Chapter

Irvine, California
August 20, 2002

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My Objectives
• Why people are difficult
• Types of difficult behavior
• Coping skills and techniques to help you
communicate

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 Format of Presentation
• Present some concepts/ideas
• Divide audience into working groups
• Each group complete exercise
• Come back together to discuss results
• “Brainstorm” a couple of situations from
the audience
• Close with some other thoughts

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“The most important single ingredient
in the formula of success is the
knack of getting along with people.”
- Theodore Roosevelt

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Why Are People Difficult?
• People feel
– Rushed — not enough time
– Insecure
– Angry
– And have some need or interest

•Stressed!!!
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Why People Are Difficult
. . . In The Workplace
• Corporate attitudes push to higher
productivity create conflict.
• Many corporate messages state that
conflict is good.

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 Conflict is good…
“Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to
observation and memory. It instigates to
invention. It shocks us out of sheeplike
passivity, and sets us at noting and
contriving…. Conflict is the sine qua non
of reflection and ingenuity.”
- John Dewey
American educator and philosopher

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Conflict is good ...
“Clearly, conflict is vital for today’s ‘lean and
mean’ times. It can be the imaginative and
interactive energy source firing Purpose,
Passion and the sharing of Power—three
‘P’s for productivity.”
- Mark Gorkin
www.stressdoc.com

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 Results of Conflict
• Win/Lose attitude
“Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.” -
Vince Lombardi
• Who is the loser?
• How do we treat the loser?
• How do we talk about the loser?
• What happens when we interact with the
loser?

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 Scenario 1

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A Difficult Person Can Be ...
• Hostile-Aggressive
• Know-It-All
• Yes-Person
• Whiner
• Never-Say-A-Word
• Indecisive Staller

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Hostile Aggressive
AKA “The Tank”

• Bullies their way toward

the results they want.
• Belittles you in front of anyone.
• Tries to convince you that you are
doing a poor job when you are doing
great.

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Dealing with “The Tank”
• If possible, get them to sit down.
• Don’t back down. Let them vent. Don’t take
it personally. Step away from the emotion.
• Identify their issue–the facts of the matter.
• Explain benefits of your point of view.
Express your side in factual terms.
• Allow aggressor to “save face.”

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The Know-It-All
• Control people and events by dominating
conversation with lengthy, imperious
arguments.
• Tries to find flaws in
everything.

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Dealing with the Know-It-All
• Know your facts. Be prepared.
• Listen carefully and paraphrase the main
points.
• Use questions to raise issues.
• If necessary, subordinate yourself to avoid
static and commit yourself to building a
more equal relationship in the future.

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The Yes-Person
• Answers “Yes” to every request without
thinking about what is being promised .
• Has deep-seated anxiety and a lot of
resentment.
• Seeks approval and avoids disapproval.
• And even if all the promises can be kept,
the Yes-Person no longer has a life!

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Dealing with the Yes-Person
• Work to get to the underlying issues.
• Tell how much you value them as people.
• Give them permission to say “No.”
• Ask them to tell about any aspect of your
product that is not as good as the best.
• Listen to their humor -- hidden messages?

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The Whiner
• Avoids taking responsibility.
• Wants sympathy.
• Has negative view of the world.
• It’s important for these people to get their
opinions across. If you ignore them, they
increase their protests.

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Dealing with the Whiner
• Don’t respond if they are blaming you.
Don’t sympathize if they are at fault.
• Make a list of all complaints from constant
complainers before you discuss problem.
• Make sure the facts are correct.
• Make the Whiner propose solutions on they
can fix the problem.

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The Never-Say-A-Word
AKA “The Clam”
• Timid, uncomfortable, and uncertain.
• Wants to avoid conflict or hurting anyone.
• Often feels angry because “the wrong
decision” was made.
• Some can’t relate authentically or speak
honestly.

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Dealing with “The Clam”
• Try to draw them out about topics that are
non-threatening.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Wait for a response -- calmly.
(Don’t fill the silence with your chatter.)
• If you get no response, comment on what’s
happening. End your comment with an open-
ended question.
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The Indecisive Staller
• Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-Person.”
• Could be a procrastinator.
• Has reservations about the project.
• Doesn’t organize or
prioritize work.

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Dealing with the Staller
• Help document their goals and deadlines
• Listen for indirect words, hesitations.
• Ask them how you can help them achieve their
goals.
• Follow up on intermediate deadlines.
Hold them to the deadlines.
• Make it easy for them to tell you what is
preventing their action.
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 Scenario 2

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 And What
About
You...
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It’s All About ATTITUDE!
• You are not going to change THEM.
• You will have to work with THEM.
• You are the one who can make the change.
• Make it happen!

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Principles of Human Behavior
• All people are motivated .
• You cannot motivate others ; you can
provide the environment, skills, etc.
• People do things for their reasons, not ours.
• We are all different...
Relationships should complement and
complete each other.
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Thought Is Conveyed By...

Visual Stimulus
Meaning of Words
55%
7%

38%
Way Words are Said

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Slow Down the Listening…
• Speaker says 120 wpm–
Listener can absorb 800 wpm.
• Our eyes see the equivalent of 50 million
words per minute – 10,000,000 times more
than we hear.
• Humans use some 250,000 facial signals
and 700,000 physical signals when
communicating with one another.

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Communication Is The Key...
• Be clear about what is to be done.
• Be clear about who is to do it.
• Two parts to the message
– Speaker has an image
– Listener has an image
– Are they the same?

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Truisms? in Communicating
• People always pay attention when you
speak.
• When someone says “I know,” they really
do know it.
• Speaking loudly assures
understanding.

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Offline Coping Techniques
• Don’t take their behavior or words
personally.
• Write down details of what annoys you.
• Think about why it annoys you.
• Which of your buttons does this person
push? Why do you respond to them in the
way you do?

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Offline Coping Techniques (continued)
• How would you like to respond? List the
advantages of different responses.
• Monitor yourself.
• Give yourself positive feedback when you
succeed in not getting caught up in the
emotions of difficult people.
• Be a happier person by handling all those you
encounter with charm and grace.
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Some Final Tips
• Get to know the people you need to influence.
• Small talk can be better than no talk at all.
• Join forces in a common cause.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for input or assistance.
• Give more of your share of the credit and take
more than your share of the blame.

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Some Final Tips (continued)
• Give support where needed.
• Be an information broker.
• Learn to keep it light.

• Don’t forget to
smile.
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Additional Reading
• Dealing With People You Can’t Stand by
Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner
• Games People Play by Berne Eric, M.D.
• Since Strangling Isn’t An Option by Sandra
A. Crowe
• Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-
Defense by Susan Haden Elgin
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Interesting Website s
• www.stressdoc.com
• www.workingwounded.com
• www.negotiationskills.com
• www.bolmer.com
• www.netslaves.com

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Comments! Questions??
Deirdre “De” Murr
o: 818.544.6830
f: 818.544.6820
e: deirdre.a.murr@disney.com

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