Sibling

Abuse
By Jane Gilgun

Summary

Parents and other care providers may not realize that sibling aggression is sometimes abuse and not children being children. They therefore often ignore behaviors that actually are harmful. Both children need adult attention and guidance. This brief article describes types of sibling abuse and what parents can do to protect their children from long-term hurt. About the Author Jane F. Gilgun, PhD, LICSW, is a professor and writer. See Janes other articles, books, and childrens stories on scribd.com, Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, and other booksellers.

Sibling Abuse
PARENTS AND OTHER CARE PROVIDERS often assume that aggression between siblings means that children are just being children. They may think that the aggression is mutual and that younger children are capable of holding their own with older children. Sometimes they view the younger children as pests who bug their older siblings, and the older siblings simply are putting the younger children in their places. When their children complain to them about another childs aggression, they may see them as crybabies and tell them to ignore the other child. Even when children resist these parental responses and cry out, But it hurts, parents may dismiss childrens distress. They also dont provide guidance to the older children who may not realize that they are hurting their younger siblings, not only at the moment, but for the long-term. Obviously, parents like these have no clue that sibling abuse can cause long-term harm. The behaviors that parents and other care providers view as children being children include physical aggression that includes hitting, punching, and kicking; teasing and taunting, such as children calling younger sibs who wear glasses four eyes; mocking and ridicule as when older children make fun of younger childrens attempts at learning to play a sport by imitating their actions in exaggerated ways; using other childrens possessions without permission and then being defiant and sassy when the other children protest; and sexual boundary violations including sexual abuse where older siblings may use younger sibling for their own sexual pleasure and/or to lord it over younger children. All of these forms of sibling abuse can cause harm unless parents set limits on older children, explain to them that their behaviors hurt, and dig deeper to see if the older children are reacting to difficult issues in their own lives. Sometimes the older children are having their own troubles, which require parental attention and attentiveness. If parents cant handle their childrens issues on their own, they are wise to seek professional help. A sign the family needs professional help is when the older children do not stop when parents ask them to. The younger children require parental attunement and responsiveness where they feel safe enough to process the meanings of their siblings behaviors and where they can work through the hurt and feel their sense of self-worth and dignity be restored.

 Here are some guidelines on how parents tell the difference between children being children and sibling abuse.

Is one child older, bigger, and stronger than the other? If one is, then take a closer look to see if one child is abusing another. Do the older children think its funny that they create distress in their younger siblings? Talk to both children to find out what the behaviors mean to them. Do the older children recognize that their younger siblings are smaller, have less physical strength, and do not have the same social and cognitive skills that they have? If they do not, its time parents informed them about the differences between older and younger children. Do they make up after the conflict and resume a friendly relationship? Or does one child cry and become withdrawn, sad, whiney, tantrumy and/or destructive to the property of others? The idea is to make up and resume a friendly relationship. If this doesnt happen, parents would do well to encourage the children to talk to them about their behaviors. Do they have about the same social status or does one have some sort of power over another -- such as being more popular or having some kind of supervisory status over the other children? If more popular or more powerful siblings think their behaviors are just part of having fun, its time to explore what fun means and its time to explore with target children what that kind of fun means to them. Do both children have similar understandings of the meanings of the aggressive behaviors? If they do, and they make up, then all is well. If not, its time to explore meanings and protect targets and set limits on the aggressor children. Do both children have similar understandings of the consequences of the aggressive behaviors? As already said, aggressor children may not realize how hurtful their behaviors are. If both children seem to see the behaviors as of no consequence, then all is well. Chances are, both children require opportunities to share what the behaviors mean to them and then some guidance on how to respond in the future. Examples of Appropriate or Easily Correctable Behaviors A seven year-old girl tells his five year-old sister, You cant play with my dolls without my permission. This is older childrens right. Parents, however, can encourage their children to share and can affirm appropriate sharing and requests to use another childs things. A seven year-old girl and her 5 year-old brother sit on a bed and look at each others genitals Parents can respond with gentle limit setting and the provision of additional information. Example: I want you to put your clothes on. When youre dressed, meet me in the living room. Ive got some books I

want to read with you. The children want more information about sexual anatomy at this time in their lives. Who is better suited than parents to provide it? Children argue over whose turn it is to set the table for dinner. If the children cant work it out in a minute or so, then parents can.

Examples of Problematic/Abusive Behaviors A 13 year-old boy mocks his 8 year-old sisters attempts at doing the same cheers as her older sister who is a cheerleader. He then laughs when she runs upstairs and hides in a closet. A 7 year-old girl pinches her 4 year-old brother and laughs when he cries. An 11 year-old boy hits his 13 year-old brother in the head so many times that the other boy has two black eyes and a split lip. A seven year-old boy orders his three year-old brother to pull his pants down. The older boy then grabs the little boys penis and squeezes hard. The little boy cries and the older boy calls him a sissy and laughs at him.

Guidelines for Adults Responses These are guidelines for response. They summarize much of what Ive already said. Talk to each child to understand each childs point of view on the aggression; Attend to each childs distress. o Older children sometimes are aggressive because something is going wrong in their lives, such as abuse they cant tell anyone about, having trouble in school or in the neighborhood, or distress over parental conflicts. o Target children are at risk to develop beliefs that they are no good and deserve to be treated badly. Create safety so the children can tell you what is on their minds. Ive attached a handout that you can use as you talk to children about their distress. Set limits on childrens aggression. Explain that aggression hurts. Show them how to express whatever feelings they are expressing in ways that dont hurt. Reassure aggressive children and target children that they can come to you to talk about anything that bothers them. Be sure to be physically and emotionally available to your children. References Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). The NEATS: A Child & Family Assessment. Amazon. Wiehe, Vernon R. (2002). Sibling Abuse. Springville, UT: Bonneville. Gilgun, Jane F. (2012). Thorns have roses: A story of clergy abuse. Amazon. In this story, an older brother teases a younger brother. The parents cant persuade

the older boy to stop. The parents seek professional help and learn that their minister is sexually abusing the older boy who is confused and upset. The family spends a lot of time working on the many issues that the older boys abuse opens up for them. Through such hard times, they grow in love and commitment to each other.

When Children Say Im bad.

Do not

By Jane Gilgun

change the subject. yell at the child for saying such things. laugh. say, "You're just looking for attention." "So what? Everyone feels that way sometimes. I do."

Say
"Do you think you are bad? I didn't know you feel that way. What makes you think you are bad?" You can do the same when children say Im no good, No one likes me, You dont love me, Im stupid, Im ugly, Im going to kill myself, Im different, and I hate you.

Listen