CABIN PRESSURE Series 1, Episode 3: CREMONA (bing bong!) DOUGLAS: Good evening. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson.

Just to let you know we're now making our final preparations to Fly You To The Moon. While we're airborne I do hope you'll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars; those of you sitting on the left-hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right-hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand; in other words, baby, kiss me. Cabin doors to automatic. OPENING CREDITS [BC]: This week: Cremona! MARTIN: [chuckles] Very good, very good. Okay, my turn. DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . "Come Fly With Me". MARTIN: [clears throat] (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air I'd like to invite you to [sings] Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly awa CAROLYN: [intercom] Martin! Martin, what on earth are you doing? MARTIN: Carolyn! Iohyes! Nothing! CAROLYN: What's going on in there? You've been on stand for half an hour! I've been waiting for you in the portacabin! DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: But you didn't come in! DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows that's not true, but I have things to tell you. [In the portacabin.] CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess who's got a job tomorrow? I'll give you a clue: it's us. DOUGLAS: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense. CAROLYN: Anyway, you'll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy. MARTIN: A film star? CAROLYN: Mm-hmm. MARTIN: Which one?

CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay. MARTIN: Oh, yes, wasn't she ARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?! DOUGLAS: Good lord, Arthur, I didn't know you were here! ARTHUR: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! MARTIN: What were you doing behind there? CAROLYN: And what are you talking about, idiot child? ARTHUR: She was Griselda, the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot! CAROLYN: Oh, was she. ARTHUR: YES! She's the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur! DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur. ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excalibur's a person. DOUGLAS: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers? ARTHUR: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out he's a vampire! CAROLYN: Arthur? There's something on your face. ARTHUR: Oh. Got it? CAROLYN: No, no, lower, it's hanging off the bottom of your face. It's a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh, and it's flapping about making a horrible noise. Will you make it stop? ARTHUR: Right. Yes. Sorry, Mum. CAROLYN: Thank you. Now scatter to the winds, all of you. Martin, flight plan; Douglas, load sheet; Arthur, coffee. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Fly, my pretties, fly! MARTIN: Come on, monkey face. ARTHUR: Right-o! [They exit.] DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine we're staying at the Excelsior? CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because that's as close as you're getting. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi.

DOUGLAS: Oh, no! The Garibaldi's an absolute dump! CAROLYN: A dump, yes, but a keenly priced dump. DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline we'd be staying at the Excelsior. CAROLYN: Agreed, and if you were proper pilots you'd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now go and do me that load sheet. One passenger, and a dozen shirts. DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses, is she? CAROLYN: No, the film's set in Fascist Italy. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the, um . . . DOUGLAS: Extras? CAROLYN: Yes, playing . . . DOUGLAS: Blackshirts? CAROLYN: Precisely. [The next day, in the portacabin.] MARTIN: "Good moooorning, madam, and welco" No. 'Ma'am.' "Good morning, ma'am, and welc" No, she's not the Queen! Hmm. "Good morning, Ms Macaulay, and wel" No, 'madam'. [ARTHUR and DOUGLAS enter, with the sound of voices in the background] ARTHUR: thing is, is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes? DOUGLAS: Hmm. I really don't know. ARTHUR: You see, part of me thinks DOUGLAS: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say 'know'? I meant 'care'. I don't really care. 'Morning, Martin, you're looking very smart. MARTIN: No I'm not, no more than usual, this is how I always look, what are you saying? DOUGLAS: Yes, you're quite right, it was an unforgivable compliment, I do apologize. Now then, Arthur, spot test. ARTHUR: Oh, great! I love these. DOUGLAS: What can you tell me about the group of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin? ARTHUR: Right. Um, I didn't really notice them. Um . . . Mostly men, I think. Uh, I think one of them had a beard . . . that's it. DOUGLAS: There are about thirty of them, all wearing homemade suits of armour, and singing a song

about a dragon. ARTHUR: Yeah, now you say that . . . MARTIN: Suits of armour? Why on earth [HESTER MACAULAY enters, accompanied by the strains of the crowd singing "as it was written, so it shall BEEEEE . . . !"] HESTER: Thank you, thank you! Yes, thank you. [door slams shut] Oh. Hello. MJN Air? MARTIN: Yes! Hel-lo. Er, good morning, missmadam, and well, m-m-madam Macaulay, miss Ma mmMmMs Macaulay! HESTER: Ooh! Thank you. But please, call me Hester. DOUGLAS: Yes, the full title's rather a mouthful, isn't it? MARTIN: Th-th-th-this is First OffiI mean, I'm . . . Captain Martin Crieff, but this is the first officer, Douglas Richardson, the co-pilot. HESTER: Pleased to meet you, Mr Co-Pilot. Is that like being a co-star? DOUGLAS: I suppose it is, yes. MARTIN: [laughs] Well not really, I mean, 'co-star' is equal with the other co-star whereas the co-pilot is junior to me. HESTER: Oh yes, I'm sure he is, Captain Crieff. MARTIN: Please, call me madamMARTIN! HESTER: Thank you, Martin, I will. And who is this? ARTHUR: Hello! I am Arthur. HESTER: What. ARTHUR: Er . . . I'm Arthur? HESTER: "King of the Britons"? ARTHUR: Steward of the Aeroplane. DOUGLAS: He, er, he really is called Arthur. HESTER: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Arthur. I thought you were one of those . . . idiotic fans. Now, I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager? MARTIN: Oh yes, yes, of course! Just through that door there. HESTER: Thank you so much, Captainah, Martin. MARTIN: Oh, you're quite welcome, Hester.

[HESTER exits.] DOUGLAS: Oh, quite welcome, Hester. Quite, quite, quite. MARTIN: Jealous! [In CAROLYN's office.] CAROLYN: Oh! Hello. You must be Ms Macaulay. How splendid to meet you. HESTER: Where's the manager? I want to speak to him. CAROLYN: Well, I'm her. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, owner and manager. HESTER: Right. Then what the hell is going on here? I arrive at what I'm assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans. CAROLYN: Would you call them a throng? HESTER: Through which I have to fight my own way! CAROLYN: I'm not sure thirty's a throng. A gathering, maybe. HESTER: Because no one is there to meet me, to help me from the taxi, to take my luggage, to show me to the CAROLYN: Oh I'm so sorry, I had no idea. We'll make arrangements immediately. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability? HESTER: What? I'm not disabled! CAROLYN: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said you couldn't get out of a taxi without help. HESTER: Listen. Have you even flown a film star before? CAROLYN: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. He's a lovely man. HESTER: Well, I am not Norman Pace. CAROLYN: I was beginning to suspect as much. HESTER: Listen to me, dearie. One more crack out of you and the executive producer of this film will cancel the contract and re-book me on a flight with a professional company. CAROLYN: [after a pause] I'm so sorry if I have in any way offended you. Nothing could be further from my intention. HESTER: That's better. And another thingis that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pilot? I mean, am I safe to fly with him? CAROLYN: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company.

[Later, in the flight deck.] MARTIN: . . . and beside that we have the artificial horizon. HESTER: Gosh, yes! What does it do? MARTIN: Well, it just tells you if you're flying level, or . . . HESTER: Ah! MARTIN: . . . or, or, or-or not level. And if you're not flying level you can correct it on the basis of that. And fly more . . . more . . . DOUGLAS: Levelly? MARTIN: Levelly! DOUGLAS: Lovely. MARTIN: And these are the altimeters HESTER: Really? They sound like a nice middle-class couple, don't they? [DOUGLAS and HESTER laugh; MARTIN joins in.] MARTIN: H-how d'you mean? HESTER: You know. "Oh, do come in, lovely to see you. Now, have you met the Altimeters?" MARTIN: Oh! [laughing, finally relieved to get the joke] I see! Yes, that's very good! Yes, the Altimeters! Mrs Altimeter and Mr Altimeter! "I'm-I'm-I'm Greg Altimeter and this is my wife, Katherine Altimeter!" HESTER: . . . Exactly, yes. Why do you need two? MARTIN: Um, just in case one goes wrong. DOUGLAS: That's the theory, anyway. In practice, it's like Confucius says, "Man with one altimeter, always know height; man with two, never certain." HESTER: [laughs] MARTIN: Oh, I know loads like that! [laughs, puts on horrible faux-Chinese accent] "Confucius, he say . . . " [pause] Oh, they've, um, they've all gone out of my head. HESTER: Oh, never mind. I probably ought to go back now, actually. Thank you so much for showing me around up here. MARTIN: Yes. Right, yes, of course. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe you can show me around a film set one day. HESTER: [after a beat] Maybe. Who knows.

MARTIN: "Never eat yellow snow!" HESTER: What? MARTIN: Confucius! Hewell, t-that's . . . not one of the best ones. HESTER: Okay. [Exits.] MARTIN: [sighs] What a lovely woman. DOUGLAS: Oh, did you like her? You seemed rather cool and distant. MARTIN: Oh no! Did I? Really? DOUGLAS: No. [In the passenger cabin] ARTHUR: Hello. HESTER: Oh, hello. ARTHUR: Might I ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the enjoyment of the inflight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today? HESTER: What? ARTHUR: Shall I put the telly on? HESTER: That's sweet of you, but I'm quite happy reading my book. Thank you. ARTHUR: You're welcome. HESTER: Is that all? ARTHUR: Yes, that's all. Except . . . I'm-I'm sorry about that thing when you met me and you thought I was a fan. HESTER: Oh. No, no, no, I . . . I should apologize to you. It's just . . . those ridiculous Camelot idiots. They follow me all over the world singing and chanting and telling me they're my "biggest fans". It gets to one a little sometimes, you know? ARTHUR: Right. I see. Still, though, I just want to say: I am your biggest fan. HESTER: Oh really? ARTHUR: Absolutely! HESTER: Enjoy my Clytemnestra, did you? ARTHUR: Your Clyte . . . ? HESTER: My career-defining Clytemnestra at Stratford. Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier Award-

winning performance in A Doll's House? ARTHUR: You performed in a doll's house?! HESTER: No? Well, perhaps you're more of a movie buff. ARTHUR: Yes! I just loved HESTER: No, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess. A Light Shines Darkly? Tails, You Lose? Fardel's Bear? ARTHUR: No, I loved HESTER: Because I hope you weren't about to suggest that you're my biggest fan based on two miserable weeks I spent up to my bosom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck I only agreed to because my little cat needed a dialysis machine! ARTHUR: Right. No, I like the other ones. Did your cat get better? HESTER: No, she died. ARTHUR: Oh dear. Still, you know what they say about cats. HESTER: What? ARTHUR: They've got nine lives! So, maybe . . . she's still alive! HESTER: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ARTHUR: Right-o! [Enter CAROLYN.] CAROLYN: Everything all right in here? ARTHUR: I'm just getting out of a client's sight! [Exits.] CAROLYN: So often the key to a happy flight. HESTER: Do please explain to me what the hell is going on here? CAROLYN: Difficult book, is it? HESTER: Not the book! The fact that, having assured me I would have no more trouble from my weird fans, you appear to have assigned me one as my steward! CAROLYN: I apologize, madam, but . . . Can I congratulate you on the hard-line manner in which you dealt with the menace? HESTER: What? CAROLYN: Oh, it's just that so many people, faced with someone shyly telling them they liked their work, would simply have smiled and said "Thank you" but not you. You let the bastard have it with both barrels! Well done, you!

HESTER: Listen. It's not too late for me to walk out on you, you know. CAROLYN: That's true, so long as you can phone your executive producer before we take off. May I just remind you all electronic equipment must be switched off until after we take off? HESTER: I am the executive producer. CAROLYN: How can I make madam's journey more comfortable? HESTER: That's better. I want that Camelot freak kept out of my sight. You can do my stewardessing, and you can start by bringing me a lemon tea. CAROLYN: Instantly, madam. [draws the cabin entrance curtains back] Arthur, put the kettle on and dig out those lemon hand wipes! [In Cremona, at the Excelsior.] ARTHUR: Wow, this hotel's amazing! Look, that whole wall's a waterfall! MARTIN: Don't get too attached to it, the Garibaldi is pretty different. Though to be fair, it does also have water running down the walls. DOUGLAS: Ms Macaulay, may I present . . . the Excelsior. HESTER: Oh, it's lovely, Douglas. Thank you so much. RECEPTIONIST: Buon giorno, signor! MARTIN: Oh. Buon giorno. Um, do you speak English? RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir. MARTIN: Good, great. One room, please. RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. What name is it? MARTIN: Ms Hes HESTER: Martin? MARTIN: Yes? HESTER: I don't use my real name. The fans, remember? MARTIN: Oh, yes, of course! What name do you use? HESTER: Oh, various ones. Often cartoon characters. ARTHUR: Oh, wow, did you nick that one off Notting Hill? HESTER: They nicked it off me. MARTIN: So what name shall I use?

HESTER: You choose? MARTIN: Ah . . . yes. One room, please, for Ms . . . Jessica Rabbit. HESTER: Martin! MARTIN: Oh God, no! I mean, I didn't mean you look likenot that you don't look likewell, that, that you dobutum, not Jessica Rabbit; Mrs . . . Snoopy! HESTER: But why only one room? Where are you all staying? DOUGLAS: The Garibaldi. HESTER: Oh no. No, you mustn't stay there, it's ghastly. They tried to put me up there when I did Who Do You Think You Are?. DOUGLAS: Oh, you have Italian relatives? HESTER: God no. But when the BBC offer to fly you to wherever your family are from, you don't say Kidderminster. The Garibaldi is the most awful dive. I insisted they move me. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Well, Carolyn can't have known that when she booked it for us, can she, Martin? MARTIN: No. HESTER: If I were you I'd just stay here! Oh, unless you have to. DOUGLAS: Captain? MARTIN: No, no we don't have to, good lord, no. Erm, three more rooms, please. RECEPTIONIST: Certainly, sir. What names? ARTHUR: Oooh oooh can I be Goofy? MARTIN: Douglas Richardson, Arthur Shappey, and Captain Martin Crieff. RECEPTIONIST: Ooooh, you're a capitan? MARTIN: That's right, yes, I'm an airline captain. RECEPTIONIST: So, did you want a suite? MARTIN: What? RECEPTIONIST: Well, generally when the air crews come, the capitan, he likes a suite. HESTER: Oooh! MARTIN: Yes! Er, the thing about that is RECEPTIONIST: No, sir, I ask because I'm sorry, we have no left today.

MARTIN: Oh! Oh, well. Well, yes, I would have liked one. I mean, obviously I'm an airline captain. And frankly this is very shoddy. I mean, I'll rough it this once in one of your normal . . . five-star rooms, but I'm very disappointed. RECEPTIONIST: Well, you could always take the staterooms. MARTIN: What? RECEPTIONIST: The staterooms, on the fifth floor. The whole of the fifth floor. HESTER: Oh yes Martin! Why don't you? MARTIN: Right. Yes! I will! Yes! Yes! DOUGLAS: Nonchalantly done. [In the elevator] MARTIN: . . . And anything else I can do, you have my number, so don't hesitate to call! [elevator pings closed] ARTHUR: Wow, Skip, five-star hotel, eh? This is the life! MARTIN: No it's not. ARTHUR: Isn't it? MARTIN: No. We're going straight back down to the lobby, refunding those rooms, and we're going back to the Garibaldi. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. ARTHUR: No, it's fine. I don't like big hotel rooms, anyway. Too many drawers. MARTIN: Drawers? ARTHUR: Yeah. 'Cause, you know, you gotta put something in every drawer, haven't you? Or it doesn't feel like home. And sometimes in these places I have to split pairs of socks. [Back in the lobby, at the front desk] MARTIN: Ah, hello. I was here fifteen minutes ago, I RECEPTIONIST: I remember you. MARTIN: Yes, I imagine you would do. RECEPTIONIST: It's very exciting for us, you know. We don't often get to rent out the staterooms in the winter. MARTIN: No, I bet you don't. The thing is, I, um, I've been up to have a look at the roomthe rooms; and to be honest, they're a little . . . stately. RECEPTIONIST: They're staterooms.

MARTIN: Yes, I appreciate that, but there comes a point that you feel when a stateroom crosses the line from being a nice, stately room for a statesman to . . . lie in state and becomes, you know, just terrifyingly huge and expensive. So . . . if you could possibly just refund me the RECEPTIONIST: Oooh. MARTIN: I don't like the way you said "Oh". Please tell me it's a cultural thing and that's just how you begin the sentence (mimics RECEPTIONIST's accent) "Oooh, don't worry, sir, that will be no problem-o at all!" RECEPTIONIST: No, the problem is, somebody just tried to rent the staterooms, and we had to turn him down. MARTIN: Great, he can have it. RECEPTIONIST: No, no, he's gone now. We don't know where. MARTIN: What did he look like? RECEPTIONIST: Oh, he was a-a big . . . man, with a big . . . coat, and . . . a . . . big . . . beard! MARTIN: Right. So in the eight minutes since I was last here Brian Blessed strolled in, tried to rent the most expensive suite in the hotel and then left disappointed for destination unknown. RECEPTIONIST: I didn't get his name. ARTHUR: Bluto? MARTIN: Despite you just telling me you never get any bookings for it during the winter! RECEPTIONIST: What can I say? We were lucky. MARTIN: Yes, well, you make your own luck, don't you? How about the other two rooms, the normalsized ones. Can you refund those? RECEPTIONIST: This maybe we can do. MARTIN: Right, great. [a mobile phone rings] Oh, for heaven's sake! Arthur, go to Douglas's room. 312. Stop him unpacking, I'll meet you there. ARTHUR: Right. MARTIN: [phone beeps] Hello? CAROLYN: [over the phone] Martin, my favourite aviator. MARTIN: [pained laugh] Oh God, what have I done now? CAROLYN: Nothing, nothing! You simply find me in a rare good humour! MARTIN: Certainly rare. CAROLYN: I'm in Italy on a sunny day, my flight home is not till midnight, the studio have coughed up

the money like lambs, and generally all is rosy. Unless you were about to tell me otherwise. MARTIN: No, no, everything here's fine. CAROLYN: Excellent! Well, such a good mood am I in, I thought I would treat you three to dinner tonight. MARTIN: Well, that's very nice of you CAROLYN: And not only that, but at the Excelsior. MARTIN: Ohhhh. No, no! The Garibaldi will be fine! CAROLYN: Oh, don't be ridiculous. The Garibaldi is far from fine or you wouldn't be staying there. MARTIN: No, actually I had a look at the restaurantthey do a very nice Italian . . . burger . . . thing. Looks good. CAROLYN: I don't know what you're playing at, Martin, but stop it. For reasons of my own I particularly want us to eat at the Excelsior this evening, so that is where I shall see you. Seven-thirty sharp. [hangs up] MARTIN: Oh, terrific. [On the third floor.] MARTIN: . . . Three-ten, three-eleven . . . ah, three-twelve. [knocks, door opens] DOUGLAS: Ah, Martin, hello. No. MARTIN: No what? DOUGLAS: No way, absolutely out of the question, Jos. MARTIN: You don't know what I'm going to ask! DOUGLAS: Oh, but I do. ARTHUR: Hello Skipper! Don't worry, I filled Douglas in. MARTIN: Oh well done! DOUGLAS: So, if Arthur could be relied upon, which I can see is far from a given, you're going to ask if, to save your skin with Carolyn, I will leave this lovely five-star hotel room and go to the Garibaldi. MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: While you stay here in a five-star hotel stateroom suite. Well, obviously I'll have to think long and hard about this one! No. MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Sorry, I like it here. I have two fluffy dressing gowns in case one of them goes wrong, and a

complimentary mixed nuts which is charming MARTIN: Well, I'm sorry, but I've returned this room to the hotel. You can't stay here. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Then you go to the Garibaldi and I'll have the staterooms. MARTIN: No, Douglas, I'm trying to tell you you're right! DOUGLAS: So glad we agree. MARTIN: You're right, you can't trust anything Arthur tells you. Of course I'm not staying in the staterooms. I got them refunded too. ARTHUR: What, after I'd gone? MARTIN: Yes, after you'd gone. ARTHUR: Oh, well done, Skip. I must say I'm surprised because that receptionist seemed pretty firm MARTIN: I'm very persuasive. So, all the rooms are refunded and we have no choice but to go to the Garibaldi, okay? DOUGLAS: . . . [huffs] Spoilsport. All right, give me ten minutes, I have things to pack. MARTIN: You can't have unpacked already. DOUGLAS: I didn't say they were my things. MARTIN: Don't forget the mixed nuts. DOUGLAS: As if I would. [At the Garibaldi.] ARTHUR: Gosh. It is different here, isn't it? Are those real? DOUGLAS: No, no. They're decorative stuffed cockroaches. Ah well, see you at dinner then, chaps. MARTIN: 'Bye. . . . Is he gone? Right. [to the RECEPTIONIST] Buon giorno. Excuse me, I made a mistakeI just want one room, please, if we can return these two? RECEPTIONIST: [releases a put-upon groan.] MARTIN: Thank you. ARTHUR: What's going on, Skip? MARTIN: All right, Arthur, listen really carefully. ARTHUR: Oh dear. I hate these. MARTIN: You and I aren't staying here tonight. We're staying (whispers) in the Excelsior! In the staterooms.

ARTHUR: but I thought you managed to return MARTIN: NO, of course I didn't return them! But here's the important thing . . . [On the way back to the Excelsior.] MARTIN: . . . you mustn't tell Douglas that we're staying at the Excelsior, you mustn't tell Hester we're staying at the Garibaldi, and above all you must not tell Carolyn . . . anything at all, got that? ARTHUR: . . . No. MARTIN: Okay. Look, here we are, we might just be able to pull this off. [ARTHUR and MARTIN run into a crowd of HESTER's fans, singing "as it was written, so it shall BEEEEE . . . !"] MARTIN: [shouting above the din] Arthur, you promised me you didn't tell anyone where she was staying! ARTHUR: I didn't, honestly I didn't! MARTIN: You must have done! Oh God, d'you think she's seen them? [his mobile rings] Hello? HESTER: [over the phone] What. Have. You. DONE? ARTHUR: Yes I do. MARTIN: Ah, Hester! I was just HESTER: Don't "Hester" me, you ridiculous incompetent little man. MARTIN: B HESTER: Just explain to me how it is thatno, actually, don't explain. MARTIN: Bu HESTER: I don't want to hear any more of your stuttering and toadying. I just want you to make them all GO AWAY! [hangs up] DOUGLAS: Well. She's no Norman Pace, is she? MARTIN: Douglas, what are you doing here? DOUGLAS: Oh, I saw you beetling off and I just had a hunch this might be an interesting place to come and have a drink. The horde of knights is an unexpected bonus. MARTIN: What am I gonna do? DOUGLAS: About what in particular? MARTIN: About everything!

DOUGLAS: Ah, everything in particular. Well, as I see it your problems are: a vastly expensive nonrefundable stateroom suite, a hotel lobby's worth of gormless fans, and a furious actress. MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: And your assets are: a dozen black shirts. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Well. The answer's obvious, surely. MARTIN: Not to me! DOUGLAS: Ah! Interesting. Because it is to me. So, suppose I were to sort all this out for you and suppose once it was sorted out there was still a nice Excelsior hotel room left over . . . MARTIN: Yes, yes you can have it. DOUGLAS: Excellent. [To the KNIGHTS] Attention, o spotty knights! I have a proposition for you. Am I right in thinking that you're here lying in wait like grubby leopards for Hester Macaulay? KNIGHTS: Yes! DOUGLAS: Well, as the more astuteor the least un-astute of youhave noticed, she's not coming down until you go away. KNIGHT: Well, we're not going away until she comes down! KNIGHTS: Yes! DOUGLAS: What a delicious metaphysical conundrum. And one to which, luckily, I have the answer. I can arrange for twelve of you to not only meet Ms Macaulay [The KNIGHTS gasp], but to actually shake her hand [a louder gasp] after first washing your own sixteen or seventeen times, naturally. On condition that the rest of you immediately go a really really long way away. KNIGHT: But how do we pick which twelve? KNIGHT: Oh, well, we could cut cards for it! DOUGLAS: Oh, come, come! What sort of opportunity does that give you to demonstrate your strange, unsettling devotion? KNIGHT: You mean you want us to fight for it? DOUGLAS: No, no, no! I want you to bid for it. Do I hear, for instance, five hundred euro? KNIGHT: Five hundred euros! [The other KNIGHTS start clamoring with their own bids.] DOUGLAS: It seems I do. [In the hotel. The elevator pings open.]

DOUGLAS: After you, Ms Macaulay. [The elevator doors close.] Ms Macaulay, on behalf of us all at MJN Air, allow me to say how sorry we are for all the trouble and inconvenience you've suffered. HESTER: Well you bloody well should be. DOUGLAS: Indeed we bloody well should be and so we bloody well are. Firstly, let me assure you that the mediaeval contingent have now been entirely vanquished, and furthermore, in recompense for your suffering, I have been authorized to procure for you perhaps the most luxurious accommodation in Italy not already bagsied by the Pope. Behold [elevator doors ping open] your staterooms.[Doors close.] HESTER: How did you time your speech so that it ended precisely on the ding? DOUGLAS: I rode up and down the lift a few times, practicing. HESTER: Well, it's a nice room. DOUGLAS: It is a nice room, and beyond lies an even nicer room, which leads into a frankly astonishing room, and beyond that . . . an airing cupboard, which I admit is an anticlimax. HESTER: This is certainly more how I expect to be treated. DOUGLAS: Well of course it is. And not only that, but we have paid for the hotel to lay on a team of staff who'll be exclusively dedicated to looking after you during your stay. Allow me to introduce [opens door] your butler! "BUTLER": Let us a DOUGLAS: Sadly, none of them can speak any English. HESTER: Pleased to meet you. [The "staff" titter.] DOUGLAS: Then this is your under-butler, your under-under-butler and your under-butler-butler. And this is your chef, your wine waiter, your pastry cook, and your . . . pudding-smith. HESTER: Pleased to meet you. "PUDDING-SMITH": [through a strangled giggle] Pleased to meet . . . you. HESTER: Are you all right? DOUGLAS: That's Cremonese dialect for "Pleasure's ours." Finally, your laundry man, your knife-andboots boy, the man whose job it is to fold the end of your loo roll into a V-shape, and your . . . stable lad. HESTER: Why on earth would I want a stable lad? DOUGLAS: Don't you? Umberto, you're fired. [UMBERTO: Aww . . . ] HESTER: Isn't there a maid of some sort? DOUGLAS: Oh yes, of course! Umberto, you're re-hired. [UMBERTO: Woohoo!] Now all of you, get out. [The "staff" complain vociferously] OUT! [They exit.] HESTER: Curious uniform they have.

DOUGLAS: Yes, I rather like it. HESTER: If I was an Italian hotel manager, I wouldn't give my staff black shirts. DOUGLAS: Ah, but that's the beauty of it. Gives them an exciting ninja look, don't you feel? [In the hotel dining room.] DOUGLAS: It's perfectly simple. Hester stays in your staterooms, paid for by the proceeds of the handshake auction, I stay in Hester's old room here, you stay in my old room at the Garibaldi. ARTHUR: And me? DOUGLAS: Also in my room at the Garibaldi. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Bagsie I get the floor. MARTIN: Why would you want the floor? ARTHUR: Are you joking? I sleep in a bed every night! . . . Ooh, there's Mum! DOUGLAS: Carolyn? I thought she was flying home! MARTIN: Not till tonight. She was very keen to take us for dinner here first, God knows why Carolyn! Hello. CAROLYN: Martin, what is going on? MARTIN: Nothing, nothing! Everything's fine! Hester's happy, the accommodation budget's balanced, everything is absolutely fine! CAROLYN: Where are all the fans? MARTIN: You heard about that, did you? Well, we did have a momentary glitch with some enthusiasts, but don't worry, we sent them all away! CAROLYN: You sent them away? Why on earth did you send them away? They were my revenge! MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Yes! Why else did you think I told them where she was staying? MARTIN: You told them? CAROLYN: Of course I told them! As soon as the studio paid up. No one calls me "dearie" and gets away with it! And then I specifically booked this table for us to survey the mayhem! Douglas, didn't you explain this to him? DOUGLAS: I . . . MARTIN: Douglas explain it? CAROLYN: Yes! It was his idea in the first place!

MARTIN: DOUGLAS! DOUGLAS: . . . Mixed nut? END CREDITS [BC]