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toxic relationships

toxic relationships

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Published by pranaji
understanding toxic relationships
understanding toxic relationships

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Published by: pranaji on Oct 03, 2013
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09/07/2014

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AUGUST 08 2013
There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shittyboyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex,the legality of marriage, and maybe read a few obscure lovestories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’regiven no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s
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our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrationalromantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventionalsexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectifythe relationships they’re in. Thus our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support. A lot of the self help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and womenare
not 
from different planets, you over-generalizing prick.) And for most of us,mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happyrelationships the past few decades and there are some general principles thatkeep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. Infact, some of these principles actually go
against 
what is traditionally considered“romantic” or normal in a relationship.Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couplesthink are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything youhold dear. Get the tissues ready.
What It Is:
The “keeping score”phenomenon is when someoneyou’re dating continues to blameyou for past mistakes you made
 
 
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has screwed up the most over the months or years, andtherefore who owes the other one more.You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it hasproceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week thatgoes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time youcaught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediatelyremoves her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?Wrong.
Why It’s Toxic:
The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justifycurrent righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are youdeflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness fromthe past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energytrying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other rather than solving thecurrent problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for eachother instead of being more right for each other.
What You Should Do Instead:
Deal with issues individually unless they arelegitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously arecurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now shegot sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, sodon’t bring it up.
 
 
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