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peope ke us are survvhg h lhs poslapocayplc word gves us slrehglh. We w ehdure ahd carry oh.
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Apocoypse 8urvvor
Its been almost three months since we frst heard
the news of the virus outbreak. Tankfully, the U[sic]
GA community was warned early on and has not yet
been afected, but that does not stop us from trem-
bling in fear as we await the unknown terrors that exist
outside of our newly created and constantly guarded
barricades. Waiting is all we can do now. Communica-
tion with the outside world is severely limited due to
the severity of the epidemic, but we are still able to re-
ceive weekly updates from AMC, one of the only news
networks from the old days that still has broadcasting
capabilities.
Each week we watch this news story, which AMC
has dubbed Te Walking Dead, unfold a little bit
more. Somewhere out there, a brave documentary
crew has taken it upon themselves to record footage
of this apocalypse so that sheltered communities like
ours can know that we are not alone in this fght. Each
week, we see people who have bravely taken a stand
against these walkers, even when their comrades fall
by the dozens. It is people like these who give us the
courage and fortitude to soldier on, even when our
own prospects seem bleak at best.
Although we have been relatively untouched by
the viral contagion, the U[sic]GA campus is always
ready in case a herd of fesh eaters comes our way. Ev-
ery member of our community is trained in the latest
weaponry, and thanks to AMCs coverage, we each
know the necessary steps in taking down a walker. In
the mean time, we are trying as hard as we can to live
our lives, and restore what we once called civilization.
New Cooghe s lhe
Dawg's meow
Earlh shape uhder
scrulhy
From super U[sc|CA red
cay lohes lo some wood
smes. Ths slu's greall
N,M4 'O
Cel ready or lhal lracl
Movhg dal awh lakes a
buhch o carsl
N,M4 '9
U[sc|CA has lo augmehl
ls ehgheerhg somehow.
Comhg sooh: Lhcoh Logs.
N,M4 9
Cub has some lhoughlz oh
lhe shape o lhe Earlh. Ahd
lhey doh'l lhhk l's rouhdl
N,M4 5
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2 November 25, 2013 T.H.W.U.0.A. // THOTZ
!"#$%&' )*&+,*
!"#$%&'$() !"'+$,
Recently, U[sic]GA sued Rock-
star North, the developers of
Grand Teft Auto V for illegally
portraying the average U[sic]GA
student. Te creation of this ac-
tion and crime flled video game
has ofended multiple students
who believe that their behav-
ior and personalities have been
wrongfully portrayed.
I personally fnd this video
game unbelievable. said Cletus
Kelvinnia, junior communica-
tions major My fraternity and I
have only been in 5 drug busts,
17 DWIs, 9 hazing incidents and
the occasional high speed chas-
es, and we aint putting up with
how those actions are shown in a
multimillion dollar video game I
bought at the midnight release.
Multiple students have ex-
pressed that the characters in the
game as irresponsible, impulsive,
absurd and potentially ratchet,
which is why student groups on
campus have called for the law-
suit to be initiated shortly after
the games release. Te Student
Association for Better Tinkerers
placed the most concern for U[sic]
GA portrayal in Grand Teft
Auto.
As you must know, U[sic]GA
is the Ivey Leage of the south, and
as such a title, we are ofended that
the video game industry would
portray us in such an awesome, I
mean, savage manner. said Bryar
Corncob, President of the Stu-
dent Association of Better Totz-
ing Its just sad that people dont
realize U[sic]GA students can be
wise and the best thinkerers that
the south has to ofer.
While universities in other
eastern states could have been
portrayed by the video game in-
-*%.) $,'#,!/
&-.#& /01
Tis year, one of the most
popular locations for study abroad
students at the University [sic] of
Georgia has proven to be St. Si-
mons Island, Georgia which is
much more popularly referred to
as Frat Beach.
Some colleges promise that
you can study abroad in Europe,
but thats stupid cuz the last time
Americans went yonder over there
they hit an iceberg and died, said
Hershey Walker, Director of the
Ofce of International Edu-
macation. St. Simons Island is a
fve hour drive that really tests the
wheels on our tractor, so I call that
foreign enough.
Te approval from the course
bypassed any actual decision
made by the board of regents but
was pushed for by Walker and es-
tablished after his efort.
One of the most popular cours-
es ofered is Where da gator at?
4210. In preparation for the an-
nual game against the University
of Florida, students try to hunt
for alligators on the islandnot
the animal species that do live on
the island, but the college mascots
Albert and Alberta. Surprisingly,
never in the history of this course
have these specifc alligators ever
been found.
How hard could it be to fnd
giant stufed gators walking on
the beach? Betty Mae Carter,
seventh-year fngerpainting ma-
jor said. Ive tried wearing jorts
rolled in bacon awwwl but all Ive
been getting are skeeter bites.
For the most part, students re-
fected favorably about their expe-
riences.
No matter which campus Im
on, Im drunk out of my mind,
said Charley Mike, a third year
majoring in animal petting and
minoring in fip cup. But at Frat
Beach, theres a beach so its cool.
Even though Im still in Geor-
gia, I feel like Im in a diferent
country, said second-year wed-
ding engineer Nellie Sue. Like
today I built the Eifel Tower out
of empty Natty Lite cans and solo
cups for my history class, point-
ing to a trashcan flled with the
aforementioned items. You could
basically smell the spaghetti.
Tere are many other study
abroad programs available for
those unable to pass the drink-
ing test for St. Simons Island. In
Milledgeville, students can join
Associate Professor Alicia Mc-
Dides class in lookin smexy
2310. Tose looking for work ex-
perience can intern with U[sic]GA
graduates in corporations such as
Te Roadside Stand or My Par-
ents Basement. Although none
have proven as popular as Frat
Beach U[sic]GA, students have a
multitude of options.
I recommend all students
study abroad during their time
at the university, said Walker.
Frat beach has truly shown me a
world outside the trailer park.
nique.net
sliver
Te technique uses the same sudoku puzzle last three weeks in a
row? #thanksnick
Im a ME, I hate statistics
I see two sliver boxes.....I can haz third?
I dont even go to this school. ALUM STATUS.
love the loki picture in the latest technique. really helped my fan-
girl cravings
Unfortunately for u(sic)ga fans, excuses dont win national titles.
SGA should get Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman to come to
campus
Te awkward white guy in the Taste of Africa fashion show can
get it with me any day. Just sayin.
how many sliver boxes can there be?
Somebody hacked my computer
Sorry guys
Tat was inappropriate
I didnt post that
He goes to Georgia State
Hes a flm major
But dont worry hes cool
What does a flm major do anyway?
Not physics lol
For real though, I left my laptop open at Woodies. Tose werent
me.
Dont track me lol
at least i have the sliver box
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Frat beach most popular
study abroad option
THWUGA: Good Old Fashioned Hate
"%. /%"'"&
+,'2-"3'$3.4'+!
For (almost) the hundredth
time, let us welcome all of you
freshmen to Tech. We are excit-
ed to present the 2013 To Hell
With Georgia Issue. Contained
in these pages you will fnd all
manner of outlandish, (hopeful-
ly) entertaining and completely
false material we aspire to think
up for every THWUGA edition.
Beginning as a modest four-
page paper, published on No-
vember 17th, 1911, the frst issue
of the Technique focused primar-
ily on the then-upcoming foot-
ball game with Georgia. Its from
this moment the Souths Liveli-
est College Newspaper, began.
And, as a tip of the hat to
this modest start, the staf of
the Technique produce an issue
dedicated to mocking Georgias
newspaper, Te Red and Black.
Tough this issue relies on ste-
reotypes we agree are not as true
as they once were (Georgia stu-
dents arent necessarily drunken
rednecks nor are Tech students
ncessarily nerdy introverts), its
not about the stereotypes.
Yes, the jokes contained
herein maintain the sordid tra-
dition of low blows in the form
of incest-, alcohol- and stupidity-
related material. Is it fair to con-
tinue to perpetuate these false
stereotypes? Not necessarily.
But, the most important as-
pect of this annual issue is the
tradition: the traditions we re-
peat year after year, the tradi-
tions that hold campus together,
and, of course, the tradition of
Good Old Fashioned Hate.
So, as you fip through these
28 pages, remember the Good
Word (To hell with georgia, for
those who have forgotten), and
what binds all Tech students to-
gether: our Good Old-Fashioned
Hate of our rivals up the road.
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4 November 25, 2013 T.H.W.U.0.A. // THOTZ
Seor Patrn
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Daily Specials
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$7.50 Lunch Combos - Includes a free soft drink
U0A engIneeiIng unnounces lIncoln log piogium
-0..1 $"#2 !#-&&
.#2 )20.% 05 # 2"++
Te U[sic]GA Department
of Engineering announced on
Tursday that it would be adding
a Lincoln Log Engineering (LLE)
program.
Te new LLE program will be
ofered starting next fall.
LLE will be an important
new part to our Engineering Pro-
gram, said Bubba Briarson, Dean
of Engineering. Some of our oth-
er engineering programs are just a
little bit too difcult for our stu-
dents. Dont even get me started
on the incident last year with our
Lego Engineering program. With
the upcoming lawsuit, all I can
say is that it involved 7,600 Lego
bricks, a pound of lard and half of
the crew team.
Some of the basic courses in the
new degree include LLE 1101: An
Introduction to Stacking Tings
on Other Tings, LLE 1102: Ad-
vanced Stacking Techniques and
LLE 2012: Roof Pieces and How
to Use Tem.
Te program also includes
multidisciplinary courses includ-
ing LLE 3002: Literary Decon-
struction in the Medium of Lin-
coln Log Structures, LLE 4320:
Lincoln Logs and 4th Grade Soci-
ety and LLE 4480: Lincoln Logs
for Self-Defense.
Students across campus are
thrilled by the new addition to the
Department of Engineering.
Im just glad there is fnally a
major easy enough for me to pass,
said Diana Cheddiwick, 2nd year
Family Financial Planning major.
Im just glad there is fnally an
engineering major that is actually
applicable, said John Cornwallis,
4th year Mechanical Engineering
major.
Te new degree plan also
comes as a relief for the dwag foot-
ball team.
Finally I can cut down on the
bribe money going to Professors
to get our players to pass, said
Head Coach Mark Richt. Now
we can spend it on more produc-
tive things like player salaries for
next year.
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Te National Association of
Women (NAW) announced on
Wednesday that the THWG was
to be given the Don Draper award
for excellence in gender issue jour-
nalism. Te award is given each
year to the publication that has
shown excellent articles dealing
with womens issues.
In particular, NAW cited an
editorial entitled Will the Real
Gentlemen Please Stand Up?
asking U[sic]GA men to give up
their seat to cute girls, not speci-
fying the treatment for ugly girls.
Its just exactly the right at-
titude about women, said Har-
riet Burn, spokesman for NAW.
Its important to remember that
women arent big and strong like
men. We need for men to give up
their seats because we are so frail
and dainty.
Te publication has also re-
ceived praise from public fgures.
Tis is exactly what we were
fghting for, said 185-year-old
Elizabeth Leslie, last surviving
attendee of the 1850 National
Womens Rights Convention.
Te whole voting thing was side-
show at the convention. I remem-
ber Elizabeth Cady Stanton say-
ing, Beth, this is some crap. Some
codpiece didnt give up his seat on
trolleycar when I was on my way
to ferrier to pick up my felted bea-
ver hat. Im glad there is fnally a
publication that has its priorities
in order.
At the awards ceremony on
Friday, the Chairman of NAW,
Jamie Wadsworth announced her
support of the newspaper.
Tis paper gets it, Wad-
sworth said. Tey understand
that women just really want to be
treated like princesses. We dont
want to have to stand or work or
do anything.
Still, some so called femi-
nists criticised the award and the
article, saying that it was treating
women as infantile and helpless.
NAW unnounces new Lon Liupei Awuid iecIpIenl
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T.H.W.U.0.A. November 25, 2013 5 // THOTZ
Ail scLool ciIlIcIzed foi exLIbIl
$%.2 45 *%.2
,"066+"
Administration at the Lamar
Dodd School of Art are coming
under fre after it was discovered
who was really behind the pieces
in the new Crayola exhibit on dis-
play in one of its galleries.
According to Janice Block,
a parent of a frst grader at local
Athens Elementary School, the
Art School has had its students
taking credit for drawings dis-
carded by Art teachers at Athens
Elementary after free time.
I try to come see new exhibits
at the galleries at the Art School
whenever I get a chance, but when
I noticed what I thought was one
of my sons drawings I had to take
a closer look at some of the piec-
es, Block said.
After bringing some friends
back to see the exhibit for them-
selves, including a teacher from
Athens Elementary, the group
knew what was going on. In a brief
interview they explained how kids
at the local school are often giv-
en free time in art class to draw
whatever they want. Tese are not
often kept but either hung up in
the classrooms of the elementary
school or simply discarded. Tese
parents believed that U[sic]GA
students had been taking these
drawings and going ahead to put
their own names on them in these
exhibits and labeling them as con-
temporary art.
We do not believe there is any
authenticity to the claims against
the contemporary art exhibits
in the school of art, said Micke
Reed, Director of Communica-
tions in the School of Art. Te
allegations are currently under in-
vestigation and more details will
be released once theyve been ob-
tained by U[sic]GA.
Although the school would not
comment on this, some students
provided some insightful com-
mentary on to the whole situation.
Why does it matter where it
comes from, art is art, dude, said
Alan Burke, 3rd year Art major
with an emphasis in sculpture.
Have you even visited the
Contemporary Art Exhibit be-
fore? Its a place of some really
inspiring work and theres been a
rotation of pieces going on since I
started here last year, said Felicia
Gramble, 2nd year Art History
major.
Contemporary Art is defned
as art produced at the present pe-
riod of time, and although most
of the pieces currently on display
look like no more than crayon
scribbles on a sheet of paper some
students argue that that is exactly
what contemporary art is.
I just dont understand why
anyone would take work drawings
from an elementary school child
and take credit for it in an art ex-
hibit at a university the size of this
one, Block added.
Te exhibit in the School of
Art has been on display since mid
October and has been rotating
similar pieces of contemporary art
for the past fve years in a regular
showing of the work.
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stead, U[sic]GA believes that only
their students could pull of such
stunts, like hijacking helicopters,
driving through public areas and
vandalism.
We know that were up
against a wealthy video game with
millions of fans, but we think that
we can sway the judge on this
one. said Bodean Skupinuns,
an admissions faculty member.
Of course, everyone loves our
football team, and as the univer-
sity with the coolest team in the
south, were sure to make the best
impression on the court and get
our compensation.
Rockstar North has been con-
fused about the situation.
When asked for any response
to the allegations, Robby Floid
one of the creators of the game re-
sponded, We have no idea what
students or administration from
U[sic]GA are referring to about
the video game, Grand Teft Auto
5, the game is based in a fctional
city, with fctional characters and
a completely fctional story. Tere
is literally nothing about this
game that has anything to do with
U[sic]GA.
With the allegations just re-
cently coming out, there are no set
dates for future court proceedings
but according to Floid the team
at Rockstar North has fully been
prepared for any type of legal ac-
tion against them. He explained
that when they decided to make a
game like this they would not be
surprised by anything.
Not all U[sic]GA students are
against the game and some believe
that the entire situation has sim-
ply been blown out of proportion
as they are avid fans and players of
the game.
Ive been playing the game
since it came out last month,
theres really nothing to complain
about and I dont understand
what theyre trying to accomplish.
Sometimes I think I came to the
wrong school, said Jimmy Dush-
ene, 3rd year game design major.
6*%.2 7$"/%
,-/+
News of the Braves Stadium
moves has confused a major-
ity of the Athens community as
many know nothing more of the
city of Atlanta than the Braves
Stadium.
So city. Wow. Much baseball.
Spectacular trips. Bright future.
With the announcement of
the planned move to a new are-
na in Cobb county, some fans
have expressed outrage and cant
understand why this is happen-
ing.
Why are they taking the
Braves? Te Braves are all Atlan-
ta and all of Georgia. Tey cant
just move, said Jeremiah Tee-
tle, bar tender at Te Drunken
Skunk, a local Athens Bar, ex-
plained while in tears.
Some residents in the area
have been trying to fgure out
how to organize some kind of
protest to send a message but
many have not been able to fnd
out who they should protest.
Tere have been a couple of
us that meet up at the Skunk on
a regular basis but we cant ever
seem to focus after the frst six
rounds of beer. Maybe well get
it together soon, Tettle said.
Te group described them-
selves as self-proclaimed biggest
fans of the team and did not
want any compromise on where
the stadium will be.
Regardless of whatever im-
provements have been promised
by the Braves, the local com-
munity is staunchly against any
future moves.
LWA0
BITES
-NEWS-
p
e
n
i
s
!"# %&%%'()
)*+,- ./ 01* !,22
would lIke lLunk oui sponsoi of lLe week:
-&3*) '.,+ 1.+4 )0+.4#*+5 2.4#*+5 &4% -.+* 1.+46'77777
TLunk you foi youi conslunl donulIons of sucL geneious wuds!
We Lope lo use Il on muny semInul pio|ecls!
Why are we going to McDonalds?
We should go somewhere more
high-end, like Wafle House.
- Nathaniel DeVilleneuve
!"#$#!$% '(#)!*+ Batman

COWS ARE COOL BY PIDERMAN

!"# %&'()***
Write to us:
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Got something to say? Ten let
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@the_nique or check us out on Face-
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want to hear your opinion and want
to make it known to all of campus.
We also welcome your letters in
response to Technique content as well
as topics relevant to campus. We will
print letters on a timely and space-
available basis.
Each week we look for letters that
are responses to or commentaries on
content found within the pages of the
Technique. Along with these letters,
we are open to receiving letters that
focus on relevant issues that currently
afect Georgia Tech as a university, in-
cluding its campus and student body.
When submitting letters we ask
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letters be thought provoking, well
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For questions, comments or con-
cern, contact the Opinions Editor at
[insert email here].
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion
Te case for academic marijuana
Moving U[sic]GA to a calmer environment
With the recently-booming market for
marijuana in Athens (hereafer referred to
as the pot-conomy for the sake of seman-
tic accuracy), there is great demand for
unregulated and completely legal sale of
the medical and academic stimulant. Ap-
proved by all fraternities, most professors,
and some churches, academic marijuana is
a necessary addition to the U[sic]GA cul-
ture.
Of course, some steps have already been
taken in the right direction, and these
changes have not gone unnoticed. Several
social pioneers have already started won-
derful initiatives to popularize marijuana
and stimulate the pot-conomy. Farmers,
who have always been the backbone of
America, have shown new great promise
in the up-and-coming pot-conomy. Tese
hybrid workers, colloquially called deal-
ers or mah hookup, are the modern day
versions of Susan B. Anthony and Martin
Luther King, Jr.
Academic marijuana has been shown
to relax students before classes, exams
and job interviews. Te mild euphoria
and calmness brought on by marijuana is
unparalleled by any balanced breakfast
that doctors advocate. Te addition of
marijuana to every students life will great-
ly increase the sense of community on
campus and lessen the stress of the notori-
ously difcult U[sic]GA classes.
Of course, students can expect opposi-
tion from the city and state governments.
Tis, however, is no big issue. As voters
with tax dollars and stuf, there is no rea-
son that we cant force change. Tere is no
reason that any student should go without
the capability to take a dangerously deli-
cious hit at will. Tough the government
might be a minor roadblock along the way
to legalization, the ultimate goal in sight
and its great benefts are certainly strong
enough to energize the pro-pot-conomy
movement.
Te Consensus Opinion refects the opinion of people that are beautiful and know it.
!+,+-+.+/+0+ editorial board
Jack Gelbe '(#)!*,#$,-.#'/
Sully Gelbe 01$12#$2 '(#)!*
Beatrice Gelbe ('%#2$ '(#)!*
P. Diddy Gelbe $'3% '(#)!*
Salamander Gelbe %"!*)% '(#)!*
Rebecca Gelbe 4#/' '(#)!*
La-a Gelbe ".!)!2*1".5 '(#)!*
Zach Gelbe 3'6 ('7'4!"'*
Jeferson Steelfax !"#$#!$% '(#)!*
Steve Gelbe '$)'*)1#$0'$) '(#)!*
Loreta Gelbe 415!8) '(#)!*
Jimothy Gelbe !8)*'1-. '(#)!*
YOUR VIEWS | Letter to the Editor
Controversy is like
terrorism, but worse
So, this one time, I was
reading this newspaper
and this guy wrote this
thing that I found ofen-
sive and frankly distaste-
ful. I think you all know
exactly what Im talking
about, so Im not going
to dignify the article with
specifcity.
Heres the thing about
business, life, and journal-
ism: the customer is always
right.
Irregardless of what a
journalist thinks, his or
frst responsibility is to in-
sure that readers arent of-
fended by the opinion that
he or she presents in his or
her article. Instead, he or
she must present his or her
opinion in a way that ac-
curately refects his or her
thoughts but still enables
the U[sic]GA community
to feel good about them-
selves.
Opinions are meant
to make us feel safe, not
think. Te article s words
were a terroristic threat to
campus safety that com-
promised the mental com-
fort of everyone who read,
smelled, or heard about it.
Tere are several ways
that this problem could
have been avoided.
Firstly, taking a neutral
stance towards the issue
instead of picking either
side would have catered to
a wider audience, leading
to a better reception for
the article.
Secondly, using a font
that was lest visually of-
fensive than Garamond,
like Jokerman perhaps,
would have lessened the
heavy blow of the words.
Finally, the writer could
have made the article bet-
ter simply by saying ab-
solutely nothing. When
you have an opinion thats
controversial or ofen-
sive, dont talk about it,
and defnitely dont write
about it; instead, just shut
the hell up.
SLIVERS
Do we have a library?
I just got pregnant; how do I know that its mine
and that my boyfriend isnt cheating on me?
Is an egg a fruit or a vegetable?
I want a dognut, they taste so good
I cant go to Taco Bell on my all-carb diet!
Do you think that if MJ didnt died he would be live
today
technique * November 25, 20T3* 7 // OPINIONS
When I frst heard
about U[sic]GAs revolu-
tionary new farm-knit-
ting program, I was ec-
static. Tis was the frst
program of
its kind in the
entire world
b e c a u s e
they teach
the practice
of knitting
au natu-
ral sweaters
( s w e a t e r s
knitted from
yarn made
from their
own backs) for farm ani-
mals. Going to college
had never been my plan,
but after learning about
this program, I decided
to apply. To my pleasure
and surprise, I was ac-
cepted! When August
came around, I packed
my knitting sticks and
a picture of my baby
lamb (my muse and in-
spiration), and made the
15-minute journey from
my lifelong farm to U[sic]
GA. Tis was the furthest
Id been away from home,
and needless to say, I was
excited for school to start.
Tis is my last semester,
and while I have no com-
plaints about my farm-
knitting program (its ev-
erything I had hoped it
would be), I do not under-
stand why I have to take
not one, but three whole
math classes in order to
get my diploma. I came
to U[sic]GA for its revo-
lutionary new farm-knit-
ting program. But when
I enrolled, I had no idea
that I would be forced to
take math. Te frst class
I took on the existence of
numbers was bad enough
(who needs numbers any-
way?), and then I found
I had to take yet another
class!
I have
s t r u g g l e d
with MATH
NINE: A
Complex In-
t r oduc t i on
to Counting
Whole Num-
bers since the
onset of the
class, and
am now on
the brink of
failing. I think the fact
that I might have to de-
lay graduation because I
might not pass this math
class is blasphemous. Tis
has absolutely nothing to
do with my program of
study, and I am not inter-
ested in it at all. I mean,
who needs counting any-
way? Im here for farm-
knitting, not counting.
I cant think of a single
time I will need to use
this after I get a real job.
Dont get me wrong. I
mean, Im sure math is a
great subject that has its
function in world, but
Im having trouble seeing
why it is a required part of
MY curriculum. I came
to U[sic]GA for its revolu-
tionary knitting program,
not for silly classes on the
existence of numbers and
counting that will have
no positive impact on my
life.
After all, who needs to
know how to add num-
bers when you already
know how to add words?
Knitting + farm ani-
mals = love. Now thats
my kind of math.
!"#$ &'()'
!"#
Woof.
"'*(+ ,'$-#(
!"#
Arf!
./"'00 1#&'1-*'0 &'()
!"#
Woof!
2(/$3!"/ 4'(5
!"#
Why are you asking me?
Im a dog.
What is your stance on
the sociopolitical trends
in the Middle East?
Math classes add no
value to curriculum
...I do not understand
why I have to take not
one, but three whole
math classes...
3#(/+ .#0)*01
$%&'' )*$%"+*&,
!"#$#% '( )*+,% -#./ !"#$%&" (#)*+,-"+.&/
Its amazing how vi-
ral the speech by Nick
Selby, the Georgia Tech
kid who kind of looks
like a mix between
Harry Pot-
ter and Ron
Weasley, has
become.
Its even
more im-
pressive that
no one re-
alizes how
false it is,
given the
hype hes
been get-
ting. I mean, a simple
search for Selby on Al-
taVista gives over twen-
ty results (the highest
number there is imag-
inable, for those of
you who havent taken
MATH NINE: A Com-
plex Introduction to
Counting Whole Num-
bers), while a search on
our beloved UGA just
comes back with pic-
tures of his ongoing af-
fair with the Stanford
Tree.
Selby conveys the
feeling that going to a
school where you can
do anything you want is
great.
Tis is absolutely
false. Its simple logic
(logic is defned as good
reasoning, for those
unfamiliar with the
term).U[sic]GA is awe-
some. We cant do any-
thing we want. Tere-
fore, Selby is wrong.
But we also cant ar-
gue something without
giving proof. Here is
a list of things that we
cant do here that defne
our beautiful school.
We cant win a na-
tional football champi-
onship, no matter how
hard our team tries. But
go dawwgggsss.
We cant
seem to
have our
e n g i n e e r -
ing program
recogni z ed
by outside
institutions,
no matter
how much
we keep ex-
panding our
Lego collec-
tion.
We still cant get our
job placement rate be-
low 100 percent. Tats
right, every one of our
graduates has a job.
Some are farmers.
Some specialize in giv-
ing enemas to animals.
Most, however, serve a
vital role in the unem-
ployment industry.
We are unable to get
society to accept the
cultural value dearest
to our hearts - keeping
the love both inside the
family and within the
farm.
We cant get enough
of Honeybooboo.
We cant rub our
tummies and pat our
heads.
We can never ever
fnd the pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow,
or determine how many
licks it takes to get to
the center of a Tootsie
pop, or receive informal
accreditation by our
peers.
But here at U[sic]GA,
we wouldnt want it any
other way.
You are at U[sic]GA;
you cant do that!
But here at U[sic]GA,
we souldnt want it any
other way.
4'! '(/0+
-%)*$ .&, *$ ," /",#0+
1&+% "' "2+ $%&''3
If theres one thing
traditional southern
gentlemen are always
told to do is give up
their seat on the bus
for a girl. Apparently
there is nothing nic-
er you can do but let
the gentler sex rest
their tired aching
feet. Why are they
gentler? My cousin,
Mariannelou ll wres-
tle me to the grand
in nine seconds f lat.
Im not buying it,
but there are stu-
dents here at U[sic]
GA who agree (like
that chick that wrote
about this exact
thing a couple weeks
back in this awesome
paper).
Then someone else
comes on and is all
like, nuh uh, dont
you dare stand up for
me. I aint no prin-
cess.
In the exact same
paper this girl wrote
this exact opposite
opinion. Why cant
we compromise? In-
stead of sitting or
standing, which
seams to be a pretty
hot topic right now
with a bunch of peo-
ple arguing and stuff,
why dont we squat?
There are a bunch
of cool reasons squat-
ting is totes better
than standing and
sitting.
Standing is hard
work. You have to
reach up and hold
on to something and
thats just too much
effort to do when
all the dawg drivers
drive like a bat outta
you know where. All
over the place.
Sitting is boring.
You just kind of
twiddle your thumbs
and look around and
brush up against
awkward bros and
chicks and stuff. Its
awkward.
And then theres
squatting. Its an
awesome alternative.
All those people in
that Asia and Europe
country thingy cant
be wrong.
Because of the po-
sition, you get to
take up more per-
sonal space and move
people away from
you, especially be-
cause of the strange,
and definitely jeal-
ous, looks from the
people around you.
Its a killer core
workout too. With
those dawg drivers
and all that sway-
ing, gotta keep a
tight core to keep
from falling into
the nerd from the
engineering depart-
ment. Its also super
comf y and stretched
your quads. You can
just sit back on your
heels and go, and you
never have to find an
empty seat.
Most important-
ly though, it keeps
people from argu-
ing over that stupid
sit, dont sit, give up
your seat, dont give
up your seat business
everyones caterwall-
ing about. I think
thats a win, win if
you know what I
mean, right?
Squating: a healthy alternative
There are a bunch of cool
reasons squatting is totes
better than standing and
sitting.
('6 !"#-3+
0%*420%%0 0!*%"+
penis
penis
penis
penis
penis
8 * November 25, 20T3* technique // OPINIONS
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What does the dwag say,
and why do we ignore it?
We are mean beings...How
can we call him our friend and
our companion if we do not
understand what he tells us?
!"#$
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OUR VIEWS | HOT OR NOT
Teenage Pregnancy
HOT
or
NOT
School
Poultry Science Anti-Incest Laws

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Wait, is the Earth really flat?
2,!'!$) 2,!'!$'
)!*%)+*,
A monumental announcement
took place in Athens last Saturday
when professor of scientifc spell-
ing, Walter Melon, declared he
had discovered new information
that proves the Earth is, in fact,
fat. Our staf decided to interview
Mr. Melon to see exactly where he
is getting this new information.
Tank you for having us Mr.
Melon. How are you?
Im hungover. I just think
sometimes thinking hurts the
brain, but its okay. I gots my Jim
Beam.
Well lets just jump right into
it: why do you think the Earth
is fat?
Im going to be honest: I have
been drunk since the 80s. But
thats not the point. I awoke and
realized these things on the wall.
Tey were the Earth. And thats
when I knew it was fat.
Sir, with all do respect, you
realize those are just maps of the
Earth?
No thats what they want you
to believe.
Who is they?
Te Government.
Sir, cartographers made
these. Teyre in two dimen-
sions, but the Earth is 3-D and
is very much a sphere.
Well see about that. How do
you explain why things fall and
never come back?
What are you talk about?
Give us an example.
I dropped my wallet. If the
world were circular, it would have
come back up in a circle. But it
doesnt. It just falls down. Because
the earth is fat.
Sir thats simply gravity.
You said gravy wrong.
No sir, the thing you are
talking about. Tat would be
gravity.
Its all myth for the government
to raise your taxes. We need to act
now. I vote we throw the govern-
ment of one end of the Earth.
Sir could you please give us
any defnitive proof you have
which would substantiate your
claim as to the Earth actually
being fat.
Well yes, thank you. Teres a
good question for once. Have any
of you read about history?
For many years this has been a
thing, but only now, I have proved
it.
Okay, well what do you and
your society exactly intend to
do?
We want to sail around the
world and tell everyone of our dis-
covery.
Sir thats highly improbable
with your theory because you
cant go around something that
is fat.
I dont see your point.
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Anyone, even an engineer,
can wear camo-f-lodge, but to
look good in it takes some talent.
Wearing a camo bathrobe to a
wedding, for example is nonsense.
A wedding is the perfect occasion
for that spify camo jacket that is a
bit too nice for huntin. For those
who lack the camo know-how,
there are ten basic ways to wear
camo that are generally except-E-
bull.
1: Camo pants are so important
that, even though this list is not in
any order, they still get to be num-
ber one. Camo pants are the go-to
for all camo needs. Weather peo-
ple are relaxing at home, fshin
at the lake, or going to a funeral,
they do not have to worry if their
pants are formal enough. Anyone
in long pants with an indistinct
pattern is dressed well enough for
even the most serious times.
2: If someone is out of camo
pants then that person still has
many other options. Camo head-
bands and bandanas are normally
in style, especially when the wear-
er is outside or doing fsical activi-
ties.
3: Camo tattoos are a nifty way
of showing how devoted a camo
fan is. Tis permanent design of a
disruptive pattern will ensure that
whoever gets it will never be with-
out camo again.
8: On special occasions, wear-
ing simple understated camo
pants is simply not enough. In ad-
dition to these ever-present slacks,
at weddings, the bride could wear
a camo wedding veil. Perhaps at a
job interview, the applicants could
appear better kempt than the rest
by having camo boots in addition
to their camo work jacket..
6: Te biggest mistake people
make when picking out a camo
outft is not including camo.
Tere is no reason to leave home
without camo. Ever.
4: Tere is a wide variety of
camo jackets. As already men-
tioned, some are good for huntin
and others for weddings, but there
are so many subtle variations in
style that there appears to be a
jacket for every occasion, and hav-
ing just one will simply not work.
7: Camo Band-Aids.
9: Homemade camo sounds
like a good idea, but each time it
is washed, the dirt and stains need
to be reapplied. Tis is more efort
than it is worth.
5: No one needs camo under-
wear. No matter how often some-
one goes around in just under-
wear, it is not necessary to make it
camo patterned.
Clazzy
Camo
!"#$%
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10 * November 25, 20T3* !"#"$"%"&"'" // LYFE
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Hoping to improve their lives
and stop being total losers, U[sic]
GA students have recently formed
a new rehabilitation center to deal
with the recent epidemic of sober
students. Referring to themselves
as Soberholics Anonymous, the
leadership team stated their in-
tended goal as dealing with the
blight of productive, hard-work-
ing students that have infected the
campus.
Its terrifying! slurred F. Scott
Hemingway, President of the or-
ganization. Youve got these kids
roaming the campus, helping
people with their homework and
just setting an all-around good ex-
ample. What kind of life is that!
Before answering any fur-
ther questions, Mr. Hemingway
stumbled and fell onto the foor,
not moving for several minutes.
Finally, after being rolled onto his
back, he muttered, think of the
children.
Students enrolled in the pro-
gram would meet three nights a
week to make improvements. At a
typical meeting, some of the orga-
nizations most successful former
patients shared stories of their im-
provement.
I used to wake up in my
own home all the time feeling
refreshed and ready to start my
day, belched Johnnie Walker. I
couldnt even look at myself in the
mirror without feeling disgusted.
One night I got back to my
place after a crazy night of study-
ing, murmured a 2nd year stu-
dent who chooses to remain anon-
ymous, And I was just so alert
and awake. I sort of just, told my
roommate goodnight and went to
bed. God, I was more man than
animal.
Many students are optimistic
that theyll overcome previous
bad habits using the techniques
used in the meetings, some of
which include: drinking till you
wake up in a gutter, partying like
you just dont care, and swallow-
ing sadness.
It started out so hard, but ev-
eryday I just drink a little more,
said a student identifed only as T.
Totaler.
Te organization itself is struc-
tured around six basic steps, such
as: admitting that one is power-
less over sobriety and life had be-
come too manageable, that only
through a drink greater than one-
self can one restore his natural self,
that one must make a decision to
turn his life over to the care of the
bartender as he understands him,
and that one should seek through
shot parties and beer shotguns a
way to improve his conscious con-
tact with booze and the good life.
If I could live my college expe-
rience all over again, I never would
have pickedup that text book, he
said before excitedly complaining
about his new hangovers. I live
my life one day at a time and tell
myself, its never too late to grab
a drink.
Preschool graduate enters U[sic]GA
TOMMY PICKLES
RUGRAT REPORTER
Cap and extra diaper in
hand, recent preschool grad-
uate Babe E. Dolle, is now
headed off to the University of
Georgia.
The previous preschooler is
nearly proBcIenL In Ler AEC's
and has even memorized the
the numbers 1-5.
Dolle's babysILLer Lold re-
porters at graduation, Babe
owes a lot of her success to
Sesame Street and the Wig-
gles. The Number of the Day
has really helped her in count-
ing, which is her toughest sub-
ject.
Dolle earned enough hours
in preschool to enter as a Ju-
nIor In U[sIc]0A. BLe Lopes Lo
graduate on time but because
she has not been taught dates
yet, Dolle is unsure of what
year that would be.
When asked about how her
preschool workload will com-
pare Lo U0A's, Dolle replIed,
Goo goo gaw gaw me like do-
awgs.
AccordIn Lo Dolle's par-
ents, she will be majoring in
childhood television, with a
minor in building blocks.
Maybe she will become an
architect? Or a doctor! Or an
AsLronauL! 0r LLe FresIdenL oI
LLe UnILed BLaLes!" saId Dolle's
mother.
Dolle will be living off cam-
pus in part out of fear of fetal
alcohol syndrome.
Oooohhh yeahh I saww
that baby on campus and I
was all like yo kid do you want
some beer and she was all
like Do you know where my
mommy Is? I can'L Bnd Ler'
and I was all like whoa I have
a mom too but I dunno what
happened after that so like...
said 8th year Reading major
Mary Yup.
Dolle is especially excited
about her fall schedule, which
will include classes in Color-
In, FlayIn wILL 0LLers and
Tag.
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Now listen up ya hea. Tis is
bout fnding that girl to go down
on one knee and present with a
ring and a case of Bud Light with.
You probably already know er:
shes your cousin.
Marryin your cuz is obviously
the right choice. Your parents al-
ready know each other and you
can have the wedding at the farm
where you went mud running
and shot beer cans as kids. Scien-
tists also say that cousin marriage
makes your family tree big and
strong. Te tighter the branches
are, the sturdier it is.
Anyway, the real question is
which one to marry.
Teres the cousin next door.
You know the oneshe lives
bout 10 yards down the street.
Shes the kind of relative you al-
ways imagined youd fall in love
with. She has that 12-tooth smile,
hair up in pigtails and makes the
best corn bread.
Ten theres the rebellious one.
She knows no bounds. She was
once arrested by the sherif for tip-
ping over cows out at the Hender-
son farm. Shes just got that infec-
tious charm that makes it feel so
wrong and yet so right.
Ten theres the purty one.
Shes got a wide smile and always
wears those jean shorts that make
her look like Dolly Parton. She
fne to gander at, but in your heart
you know that she just dont have
those birthing hips youre looking
for in your wife.
Just make sure to grab her
quick so that you can start giving
your parents grandchildren and
grandnephews.
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Come out to Tech Walkway to show your Georgia Tech pride and
celebrate Clean Old Fashioned Hate! SAA will have a photo booth
available to take your picture with "THWg" props and the prints will be
given to you for free! All participants will also recieve a "To Hell with
georgia" sticker to wear proudly at the game.
Bring your friends,
spread the good word,
and #joinSAA
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!"#"$"%"&"'" * November 25, 20T3* 13 // LYFE
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Iguana class
!"##"$ !"#&'(
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Last week, Professor Buck, Ph.D.
in the photography of air, called in
sick due to a brain injury. He felt
that it was best to send in the next
best thing to a U[sic]GA professor,
his pet iguana.
Little Georgia, as the iguana is
known as, was chosen for a vari-
ety of reasons, and Buck believes
that his class pet can even out-
shine some of his fellow professors
in courses, such as dirt analysis,
intermediate ebonics and profes-
sional mud bogging.
Little Georgia is one of the wis-
est people, I mean, iguanas that
Ive ever met, said Buck. In my
classes about air photography, Lit-
tle Georgia should easily be able
to teach my students the art of
taking pictures with techniques,
such as not being scared of the
fash or pressing the snap button
and pressing the snap button re-
ally fast for those hard to catch
moments.
Bucks decision has been met
with serious controversy across
the campus, and multiple profes-
sors have expressed jealousy about
potential iguanas taking over the
workplace.
Some people, and frankly igua-
nas, dont realize that we profes-
sors to put a lot of efort into our
classes at U[sic]GA. If I could
get a single day of by letting my
own pet iguana teach my beer
pong class, sure, Id go for it, but
we should be careful to prevent
iguana domination of our cam-
pus. said Professor Fig, PhD in
keg stands.
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Tis space provided as a public service by the Technique.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
Tis space provided as a public service by the Technique.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
!"#!$#%&"#'!"# !)&#*$+
The Voice of Morgan Freeman
%,,&,#%"# !"#!$#%&"#'!"# !)&#*$+
Perezezezez Hilston
!"#"$%&'
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Coloring books can be hard.
Like with all the lines and pictures
and colors, its easy to get con-
fused. But Te Bob Ross Drinking
Game Coloring Book makes color-
ing easy, whether youre drunk or
hungover.
Te Bob Ross Drinking Game
Coloring Book comes with instruc-
tions for the Bob Ross Drinking
Game and on how to color, which
is good cause that way you can
read about how to color when
youre too drunk to remember.
Also, the coloring book came with
picture instructions for drinkers
and colorers who dont know how
to read. Its a real win-win situa-
tion. Alcohol.
Like all great coloring books,
Te Bob Ross Drinking Game Col-
oring Book has more than just
Drinking Game Coloring Book,
though, is that it comes with a
coupon for Bob Ross Liquor. Its
mostly just paint thinner but it
sure gets the job done.
Everyone should buy Te Bob
Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book
because drunk coloring is always
better than just coloring.
Okay, this is fller text. Sorry
about that. Words, man. But hey,
can we TALK about that raccoon
in that picture up there? I know
a lot of people say that raccoons
look like bandits because of the
eye thing theyve got going on, but
if that thing is a bandit, then the
only crime its guilty of is STEAL-
ING MY HEART WITH PURE
CUTENESS. Its like, how does
Bob Ross get into a situation
where he is holding a baby rac-
coon? What chain of events could
have possibly led up to that? Id
color that raccoon.
pictures. Tere are mazes and
connect the dots and even match-
ing. Te mazes are the best part,
though, because you can just draw
a line through the whole thing
when it gets too difcult.
Te pictures in the book are
great too, because the lines are re-
ally big so its super hard to color
outside of them. But, sometimes
after youve played the Bob Ross
Drinking Game for a while, it can
get hard to color inside the lines.
But either way, Bob Ross is still
proud of how well you colored,
even if you are blackout drunk.
Another good part of Te Bob
Ross Drinking Game Coloring Book
is the pictures you can color. Tere
are ones of mountains and rivers
and happy trees and even one of
Bob Ross and his really big hair.
I know when I colored that one, it
took an entire brown crayon.
Te best part of Te Bob Ross
!"#"$%&' )*#+ ,$"- ."/ 01
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The
DREAM
&

the
Journey
Continue
Georgia Tech Martin Luther King Jr. Celebration

January 9 February 2, 2014

M
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THURSDAY,
JAN. 9
Campuswide Student
Celebration: Coming
Together to Fulll the
Dream
Student Center Ballroom
7 p.m.
This event will include
student speeches, cultural
celebrations through the
arts, and a candlelighting
ceremony. It is open
to students, faculty,
staff, and the Atlanta
community.
A reception will follow.
For more information,
contact
stephanie.ray@vpss.
gatech.edu.
TUESDAY,
JAN. 14
Hotel Rwanda Movie
Premiere
Student Center Theater
7 9:30 p.m.
Join us for Georgia Techs
premiere of Hotel Rwanda:
the true story of Paul
Rusesabagina, a hotel
manager who housed
over 1,000 Tutsi refugees
during their struggle
against the Hutu militia
in the Rwanda genocide.
This event will provide
historical context as a
precursor to the keynote
address to be delivered
by Rwandan diplomat His
Excellency, Ambassador
Eugene-Richard Gasana.
For more information,
contact
stephanie.ray@vpss.
gatech.edu.
Copyright 2013 Georgia Institute of Technology Institute Communications N14C9003f An equal education and employment opportunity institution
WEDNESDAY,
JAN. 15
Martin Luther King Jr.
Lecture
Keynote Speaker:
His Excellency,
Ambassador Eugne-
Richard Gasana
Student Center Ballroom
3 p.m.
His Excellency,
Ambassador Eugne-
Richard Gasana, is a
Rwandan diplomat and
the current Permanent
Representative of Rwanda
to the United Nations in
New York City.
An invitation-only
reception will follow at
Ferst Place.
RSVP by December 15 at
www.diversity.gatech.
edu/mlk-institute-
lecture-rsvp.
For more information,
contact najah.hofman@
vpid.gatech.edu or
sandra.duplessis@
vpid.gatech.edu.

MONDAY,
JAN. 20
National MLK Holiday
Observance:
A Day of Service
8 a.m.2 p.m.
Make a difference in
the community with A
Day On, Not a Day Off.
Join Georgia Techs
third annual MLK Day of
Service, a campuswide
initiative honoring the
legacy of Martin Luther
King Jr. Participants
will serve in teams and
engage in service projects
with metro Atlanta
community partners.
There are 250 volunteer
spots available.
For registration details
and a full schedule,
visit www.
leadandengage.
gatech.edu.
For more information,
contact
sarah.perkins@vpss.
gatech.edu.
THURSDAY,
JAN. 23
Sunday Supper:
A Community
Conversation and Meal
Student Success Center,
Presidents Suite
68 p.m.
As we honor Martin
Luther King Jr.s life and
legacy, it is important to
take time to celebrate and
reect as a community.
The Sunday Supper
invites the Georgia Tech
community to come
together over a meal and
engage in meaningful
dialogue about the 2014
MLK Celebration events,
Dr. Kings legacy, and
his international impact.
There are 100 spaces
available.
To register, visit www.
leadandengage.gatech.
edu.
For more information,
contact
pschnaak3@gatech.
edu.
SAT. SUN.,
FEB. 1 2
Memphis Civil Rights
Tour
Departure Time 7 a.m.
Georgia Tech faculty,
academic professionals,
and students will journey
to Memphis, Tenn. for
our Civil Rights Tour to
visit The Slave Haven
Underground Railroad,
the Memphis Rock & Soul
Museum, and the national
Civil Rights Museum. A
major goal of this tour is
to increase student-faculty
engagement.
Transportation and hotel
lodging are provided at no
cost to participants, but
participants must pay for
their own meals.
This tour is limited to 30
faculty and academic
professionals and 70
students.
To register, go to www.
diversityprograms.
gatech.edu/plugins/
content/index.
php?id=116. Registration
will be open as long as
spots are available.
For more information,
contact
stephanie.ray@vpss.
gatech.edu.
Sponsors
Ofce of Institute Diversity
Ivan Allen College of Liberal Arts
Division of Student Affairs
The Student Center
Ofce of Student Diversity Programs
Campus Services BuzzFunds
Ofce of Leadership & Civic Engagement
Parents Fund for Student Life & Leadership
Student Government Association

For more information, call the Ofce of Diversity

Programs at 404.894.2561 or TDD 404.894.1664.
Please let sponsors know if you need an accommodation.
www.diversity.gatech.edu/MLK-celebration
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
Celebrate Georgia Tech traditions and the spirit that
makes Georgia Tech such a beloved institution.
Meet and greet President Peterson, Provost Bras,
faculty, staff, and other students and their families.
Take photos with Buzz and the Ramblin Wreck.
Purchase Georgia Tech merchandise.
Honors graduates can pick up their honor cords
from the Registrars Ofce.

Friday, December 13, 2013 3-5 p.m. Tech Green
(Rain location Student Center)

FREE admission for all graduates and their families
Attend the
Presidents
Graduation
Celebration!
Ph.D. and Masters Ceremony
Friday, December 13
7-10 p.m.
Bachelors Ceremony
Saturday, December 14
9-Noon
Create one last Tech memory with family
and friends prior to Commencement!
Copyright 2013 Georgia Institute of Technology Institute Communications N14C105025s An equal education and employment opportunity institution
www.gatech.edu/commencement
#GTgrad2013
!"#"$"%"&"'" November 25, 2013 19 // COLORIN

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Makin your tracktor smexy with shiny things
!"## %&''(!)*+,(!#"-
!"#$"%& "()$)*#"+*
A new phenomenon has been
making waves across U[sic]GAs
campus this past fall. Following
in the footsteps of a long history
of superb and deeply meaningful
television programs such as Pimp
my Ride and Trick my Truck, U[sic]
GA students seem to have found
a common calling competing for
each others admiration and ap-
proval by spending their large
quantities of otherwise unoccu-
pied free time outftting and im-
proving the vehicles which matter
most in their lives: their tractors.
On a recent day at U[sic]
GA, dozens of tractors large and
small were visible parked around
campus. Fifth-year Landscape
Terapy major Bart Bubbsta, who
credits himself with bringing back
this pursuit to U[sic]GA after it
underwent several semesters of
relative dormancy, breathlessly re-
lates how he came to be inspired
to start souping up his tractor.
Ah became restless abaht the
jacked pickup truck loak. You
know, everyone else wuhs doin it
and I just felt ah needed to bust
out the bubble and discover the
real me. First of all ah baught
some spray paint and ah painted
the beast mah favorite color: red.
Ten ah tried to install dual tur-
bos in the angine, but ah couldnt
make it work so ah took those
back aught. But ah do have a cool
axhaust pipe thaht shoots fames
aught the top.
is unknown, however, as a large
number look to be broken down,
and more than a few burned out.
We found student A.P. Hesterton,
who at the time of conversation
was imbibing alcohol, unable to
recall his year or major, and ap-
peared to be in some degree of
distress in relation to the prior
days football defeat at the hands
of Vanderbilt, reclining next to
one such machine.
When asked what had hap-
pened to the ashy hunk of metal
and rubber positioned between
himself and a large nearby fra-
ternity house, Hesterton found it
difcult to stop mentioning some
sort of unstoppable red and black
tractor tide which he alleged
was about to sweep the nation.
When pressed, Hesterton eluci-
dated that he and a growing bloc
of fellow U[sic]GA students, in
light of recent events, were pre-
pared to throw in the towel on
school athletics and adopt a dif-
ferent kind of pursuit: Back to
back national... tractor racing...
championships, right on the way
baby. Notwithstanding Hester-
tons tractors obvious technical
difculties, we will let readers
judge for themselves U[sic]GAs
chances in this feld.
Tis is fller text. Te editor of
this section has like fve coloring
book projects this week, and just
no time at all to fnish an article
about tractors. But if youre read-
ing this, thanks for making it to
the end! You guys are the best. I
love you. Beers tomorrow?
paint jobs, underglow, spinner
hub-caps, removal of body panels
and mufers and installation of
oversized speaker systems which
are employed to blast passers-by
with country music classics such
as Florida Georgia Lines Cruise.
Te proportion of these trac-
tors that are capable of indepen-
dent movement at any given time
rahds toem all night long since
ah braught this thing on campus.
Te other tractors, they aint got
what mines got.
Despite Bubbstas assertions
to the contrary, a large number
of extensively renovated tractors
on U[sic]GAs campus do indeed
rival his in every way. Favorite al-
terations appear to include: fame
Bubbsta explains that his ex-
tensive alterations to his John
Deere 4960 have served, surpris-
ingly, as a spark for his love life,
and dismisses upstart challengers
to his tractor supremacy as shams.
When I started, ah had no ahdea
that tha females would lahk mah
tractor as much as me. But boy
let me teall yah ahve been givin
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20 November 25, 2013 !"#"$"%"&"'" // COLORIN
VALET ATTENDANTS
$150 signing bonus after 90 days
GLC]Iam||y
nous|ng]10th
and nome
C|ough
Cperates
MondayIr|day
7:00 a.m.10:00 a.m.
and
3:00 p.m.6:00 p.m.
1S wlll oer a free shuule servlce
from Lhe CraduaLe Llvlng
CenLer/10Lh and Pome (Polly
SLreeL) Lo Lhe Clough undergradu-
aLe Learnlng CenLer (rear enLrance
from 4Lh SLreeL) for Ceorgla 1ech
sLudenLs, faculLy and sLa ln
addluon Lo Lhe currenL
Creen Sunger 8us.
visit www.pts.qotech.edu
for more detoi/s.
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!

!"#$$%&'' )*&+,#$)-*.
!"##$%# '%()
So youve found a lady friend
you want to take out and impress,
or maybe youre just going out for
a night in the city and you want
to be on your A game. You are
dressed to the nines, suited up
like Neil Patrick Harris, brushed
teeth, combed hair and every-
thing. Something is missing
though, but what? Something
that lets the whole building know
you have arrived, something to
turn their heads. Cologne. Tis is
not done with something smooth
and subtle, you dont want any
of that classy European designer
stead it will say the cologne smells
like fresh cut hedges, the color
red, Fugi apple and white birch.
But youll know better.
For those of you looking for
cologne that you can put on af-
ter a shower, but smell like you
havent taken one in weeks, this
is the stuf for you. University of
Georgia Cologne was inspired by
and is meant for true dawg fans. If
you use this enough, youll start to
smell just like you go there. And
if this Georgia scent isnt what
youre looking for, even though
it should be, you can still try out
university colognes ofered at Ala-
bama, North Carolina, Tennes-
see, Florida and Kentucky.
ingredients. After that, a strong
stench will arise: actual bulldog
urine. Tis gives the cologne a cer-
tain boldness and memorability.
It should also impress the ladies,
since girls love guys with dogs,
and nothing says, I own a great
dog! like smelling like you just
took a bath in their pee. Follow-
ing this scent, the cologne closes
nicely with a hint of whiskey. Not
some aged whiskey though, noth-
ing too classy. Tink of-brand
Jack Daniels. Tis informs people
that youre always down to party,
because you always smell like you
came from one. Due to FDA reg-
ulations, these ingredients have
been hidden from the label; in-
you must spray every square inch
of your body, even if its covered
by clothes. Make sure to get your
arms, your hands, your legs and
your feet, and of course your en-
tire face. Make it like you just got
out of a waterfall shower. Tis
way, as soon as you enter a room,
everyone will have no choice but
to turn their heads as they search
for that wonderful aroma (if you
apply this correctly, they shouldnt
have to work very hard).
As the smell begins to settle in
the room, the frst thing people
will notice is a hint of Georgia clay
and mud. Te schools big color
is red, so it is an obvious choice
to include the Georgia red clay
stuf. Well ladies and gentlemen,
the search is over: Te University
of Georgia has now released a co-
logne of its very own.
Yes, you too can now smell
like a true U[sic]GA fan. Show
everyone your dedication with a
scent that says, Im a true dawg!
by dousing yourself with this fra-
grance.
Like any good cologne, this
fragrance has multiple character-
istics that your nose will distin-
guish with every waft. For every-
thing to smell just right though,
remember to apply it correctly,
like a true member of the U[sic]
GA fandom: instead of spritzing
your wrist and maybe your neck,
!"# !% %&'( )*+,- .%/0 /0 + '&12 )+,./&1# 3/45 )&'6710# !"- 0%&6'819. :5 + ,*&:'57- (&6945 8&15 .%/0 :5;&*5# <&75 &1 7+1# =45*(&1590 >+.)%/12 (&6# ?&19. :'&>
.%/0# <+,./&1# <+,./&1 )+,./&1 )+,./&1# <++++++,./&1# ?+77/.- >%+. /0 >*&12 >/.% (&6 .&1/2%.@ A&6 :+*5'( ,6''58 &;; .%5 B&: C&00 .%/12- 1&> .%/0@ D)*5> /.# B6..0#
E%&.& )&6*.50( &; F*/0%+ <+,,5''5../ +#"#+# B51 G;;'5)"
Bro, theres this cologne. You gota check it out bro.
p
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s
!"#"$"%"&"'" November 25, 2013 21 // COLORIN
!"""#$%!&
'(!$)*+,-(./*(01
!"# %&'() *+ ,-./-&&(/-. 01& 2303(&
!"#$% '()*+%
!"#$ &!'"( )"!*( +,&,'-.
Te theater at U[sic]GA (GO
DAWGS!) will soon be putting on
a show for the six month anniver-
sary of the drama program. Pre-
vious performances, all sell-out
shows, include Dawgs, Meet Me
in Waleska, and South State Story.
We went to the bar to talk with
the director. When he understood
we were about to conduct an in-
terview, he asked the bartender to
switch him from whiskey to beer
so he could talk coherently. We
asked a few questions about the
upcoming show, Rent.
Whats the show about?
Beautiful, really. Heartwarm-
ing. Good, old-fashioned fun.
Bring the whole family. Grandma,
infants, toddlers, your dog, every-
one.
Tat doesnt really tell us
what happens. Whats the plot?
Well you see theres this guy
with a video camera and he goes
around whining that his glasses
are too small or something. Any-
way in our production we kill him
immediately and replace him with
a nice boy who lives with a coun-
try music star whos also a preacher
at the local Baptist church. Look,
theres lots of characters and tell-
ing you everything that happens
would take, like, two hours. Point
being, at the end everyone gets
married and Jesus comes down
with a rocket launcher to destroy
the liberals and all the gays die of
AIDS.
Rent is known for tackling
some controversial topics; do
you feel you address the social
issues of the play in a way which
relates to students of U[sic]GA
(GO DAWGS)?
I feel weve created an excel-
lent version which caters to the
Athens crowd. It takes only the
slightest bit of creative to show the
want people to really be in the
holiday spirit and we think Rent is
just the show to do it. And f*#%
the government.
Which song do you like best?
Song? Tis aint a musical.
What are we, ho-mo-sex-uals?
Rent opens Christmas day.
What are you hoping audi-
ences will take away from the
show?
Hopefully theyll leave feeling
all warm and fuzzy inside. Tats
what Rent is. A feel-good comedy
about sharing. Which is why we
have it opening when it is. We
live cow onstage or We cant use
rocket launchers cause theyre il-
legal you punch him in the stom-
ach so he feels your decision in his
gut too.
Whats the cow for?
I dont want to spoil it. Lets
just say her name is Mimi.
excellent story at the core of Rent
without being Godless liberals.
Needless to say, nobody will feel
it necessary to cover their ears in
the middle of the show so as not
to subject themselves to hedonis-
tic, drug-fueled drivel. But if I say
so myself, I believe we stayed true
to its heart.
Whats special about your
production?
Were very faithful to the source
material. Faithful as a member of
the Baptist church who goes every
Sunday. Really the most difcult
part was recreating Atlanta for
the set. Looks all pretty and city-
like. Was difcult fnding a way to
show a building larger than one
story, but we found enough bags
of fertilizer.
What made you pick Rent?
We liked the spirit of the show.
You know, f*#% the government.
Tere was some other parts we
didnt quite like so we tweaked
them, but only a little.
Whats your favorite part?
Anything with Maureen.
Shes hot. I do feel bad for Mark,
though. But Maureen is better of
with Joe. Hes a lawyer. Women
need a strong husband with a
steady job to support her instead
of some artsy-fartsy movie douche
who has to video tape homeless
people just for the vaguest hope
that he can rub two pennies to-
gether so he can buy himself a
bigger pair of glasses. Actually, I
take it back. My favorite part is
where we kill Mark and replace
him with Bub. Bubs actually a
likeable character.
How much thought went
into this production?
Tought! What the hell does
directing have to do with think-
ing! You feel it in your gut and
you never question any decisions
you make. And if anybody else
tries to say crap like Tis doesnt
make sense or We cant have a
Teater director discusses fner points of classic play
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22 November 25, 2013 !"#"$"%"&"'" // THINKINPUZZLES
Find Dwayne
Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne
Not Dwayne Not Dwayne
!"#"$"%"&"'" November 25, 2013 23 // THINKINPUZZLES
1
2
3
U
G
A
ACROSS
1. Best school EVAR
2. The opposite of worst
school EVUR
3. College whose mascot
are DAWGS
DOWN
1. (We did one for you)
2. School best ERVER
3. SRSLY THA BEST
ERVURRRRRRRRRRR
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o
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s
w
o
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d

C
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a
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Heres a Rocket
Ship!
24 November 25, 2013 technique // SPORTS
Information Technology
!"#$%& ()*#+,-.% -/0)1 /"%(./#"2
3+44 .%2
565*785*9:;6
!"#$%&'( *+,*-+,# ./+ %$0$1$2-3$/4
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!"#$$%"
Te bi-annual bout between
the football squads of the U[sic]
GA and Tech has always attracted
waves upon waves of red-shirted
Bulldog fans to the Bobby Dodd
gridiron (bringing to mind some-
thing just a bit less than a Crim-
son Tide). In anticipation of this
matchup, the Georgia Depart-
ment of Transportation issued the
following alert to all commuters.
Tis week, all HOV trafc
on I-20 and I-285 coming from
Athens-Clarke to Atlanta will be
limited to Budweiser trucks, cattle
wagons and tractor trailers carry-
ing grass.
Yes, grass indeed.
It all began two years ago when
Georgia fans and farmers alike de-
cided to combine work with play
by bringing their cows to graze on
Tech campus, not wanting to miss
the most exciting thing behind
the yearly harvest. As a result, the
Burger Bowl and Tech Green were
depleted of their greenery. Addi-
tionally, a trailer of cattle hydro-
planed in front of the Bulldogs
buses on a beer-drenched Fresh-
man Hill, nearly causing a delay
of game due to excessive cow tip-
ping. Te Chick-Fil-A in the Stu-
dent Center, however, reported a
sales spike due to customers of the
bovine persuasion.
Tech promptly instituted a no-
grazing policy.
Fearing the impact a missed
week of grazing could have upon
the well-being of their livestock,
Bulldog fans recently pleaded with
Georgia president Jere Morehead
to do something to remediate the
situation. Morehead, seeking to
internalize the matter, challenged
the College of Agricultural and
Environmental Sciences to de-
vise an elegant solution becom-
ing of the Harvard of the South
and subsequently announced yet
another expected series of routine
annual research budget cuts.
Agricultural professor Will
Getturnt had this to say about
what followed.
Just weeks before the game,
we were having trouble coming
up with this new nutrient-en-
riched portable turf which rolled
up like a carpet. Te issue was -
well, there were two issues actu-
ally. Te frst issue was that drunk
students would roll themselves up
in the turf, get rug burns, and call
themselves hot dogs. Te second
issue was that we were forced to
keep the cattle outside since their
former containment edifce was
converted into a dormitory. We
couldnt risk them eating all the
turf in the lab by keeping them
inside. One morning, though, we
came to work and we couldnt fnd
the cows anywhere. Later that day,
one of the hot dogs called our lab
and told us that the cows were
grazing on the grass at Sanford
Stadium. Tats when we realized
that the solution to our problem
had been beneath our noses the
entire time.
Morehead promptly ordered
all the grass from Sanford to be
pulled up and placed into tractor
trailers for immediate transport.
By the time Mark Richt caught
wind, the feld was barren and
void, much akin to his hopes of
ever reaching the BCS National
Championship game.
Nick Saban and his SEC
Championship trophy wish Geor-
gia fans a bountiful harvest, their
cattle good grazing, and the Yel-
low Jackets one helluva game.
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Two of those losses came in the
SEC Championship where Geor-
gia, had backed their way into the
game thanks to the easiest SEC
schedule two years in a row.
In last years SEC champi-
onship game against Alabama,
Georgia held a 21-10 lead halfway
through the third quarter. Most
thought Georgia had the game in
the bag, but Murray was unable
to keep pace with his counterpart
and they found themselves down
four with one minute left. Murray
led the dawgs down to the eight
yard line with 15 seconds left. In-
stead of spiking the ball with 15
seconds left, Murray and Coach
Richt decided to let the clock tick
on down. Murray fnally threw
the ball with nine seconds left, but
failed to read the blitz of Alabama
linebacker CJ Mosley. Te ball
was tipped and was caught in the
feld of play, presumably ending
the game. Instead of having the
chance to run three plays, Mur-
ray and company chose to only
run one. Te game will go down
as one of the biggest blunders in
SEC history and Georgia found
themselves three yards away from
a national championship.
If I were a NFL GM, I would
not draft Aaron Murray. If youre
okay at only being second best,
then he is your guy. Te Cowboys
could possibly take him to even-
tually replace Tony Romo, but
Cowboys fans shouldnt hold their
breath because winning big games
is something Murray will never be
able to do, Georgia sophomore
Adrienne Clark said.
Still waiting at the Murray
household is an empty trophy case
for Murrays college achievements
and it will likely remain empty.
!"#$%
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student lofts
new|hip|redefined
WestMar GA Tech 4.11.13.indd 1 4/11/13 3:08 PM
The goal of 100 endowed chairs and professorships
is a top priority for Campaign Georgia Tech,
the $1.5 billion effort to enable Georgia Tech
to defne the technological research university
of the twenty-frst century.
ISyE graduate program has been ranked
#1 for 23 consecutive years
The Stewart Chair was the rst named
school chair at Georgia Tech
Ammons is the rst female school chair in
the history of Georgia Techs College
of Engineering
Philanthropy at Work
We are pushing
theoretical frontiers
while solving real-
world problems.
Its an exciting time
to be the Stewart
School Chair.
Jane C. Ammons,
PhD IE 1982
H. Milton and Carolyn J.
Stewart School Chair
and Professor
H. Milton Stewart School
of Industrial and Systems
Engineering
Hometown: Decatur, Alabama
Hobby: Reading
technique November 25, 2013 27 // SPORTS
!"#!#$ &'()*++
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Te football team practiced
long and hard learning their Mi-
randa Rights last week in prepara-
tion for a weekend of frat parties
and the anuanl binge driking
week at the University. Te
team dedicates at least a few
weeks worth of practices every
year to learning theese rights in
an efort to reduce the number of
arrested players.
Richt said if the team was
spending this week actually prac-
ticing football, it would probably
just be something pointless, like
knocking the ball down on fourth
and long.
So far it has not been very ef-
fective. Football players will go
hard right before Tanksgiving
to relieve stress from the failures
they have faced on the feld this
season. With a disappointing 6-4
record, Coach Richt expects to
break last seasons record of play-
ers arrested.
I frst introduced this to our
fne program about fve years ago.
I noticed that Florida was lead-
ing the country in arrests and
also winning national champion-
ships, head coach Mark Richt
said. I was sick of losing so many
players to prison. If they could
just learn to shut the [expletive] up
when talking to the police, wed
probably have a national title by
now.
However, Richts message
seems to be falling on deaf ears.
We aint come here to play
school, star running back Todd
Gurley said. Hes got us sitting
in some classroom and making us
memorize words? Tats pointless.
We came here to play football.
Te vast majority of players ex-
pressed similar sentiments as Gur-
ley, some more eloquently than
others. When asked to comment
on the situation, quarterback Aar-
on Murray said, I have the right
to remain silent. Anything I say
can and may be used against me
in a court of law. I have the right
to have an attorney present before
and during this questioning.
11 U[sic]GA players have been
arrested for public intoxication
since practice began last Monday.
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Murray graduates.
When looking at Murrays
numbers, one might be impressed
with his 12,983 career passing
yards and 117 touchdown passes,
but when taking a closer look at
the fne print, you will fnd that
this years preseason Heisman
frontrunner was as unimpressive
as it gets when his team needed
him to make a play.
Like Murray, Im also a ffth-
year senior so Ive been around for
all of his big choke jobs. I frst re-
alized how special he was when he
failed to properly handof the ball
to our running back, Caleb King,
at the end of the Colorado game,
his frst year. Te poorly executed
handof led to a fumble and it
kept us from attempting a game
winning feld goal. At that point,
I knew we were screwed, said se-
nior Turfgrass Management ma-
jor, Tomas Choo.
Murray will round out his
career at Georgia with a 6-12 re-
cord against Top 25 teams and a
3-6 record against top 10 teams.
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!"#$%! '()%#$*
Ron Burgundy
by
the
numbers
0
Te number of U[sic]GA foot-
ball players that could get into
Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt defeated
the Bulldogs 31-27 earlier this
season.
4
Te number of interceptions
the U[sic]GA defense has recorded
this season. Te four interceptions
recorded by the defense ranks 115
in the NCAA out of 123 teams.
Te stat is surprising considering
U[sic]GA defenders are experi-
enced in taking things from oth-
ers.
6
Te number of moths U[sic]
GA coaches estimate a freshman
football players will be on campus
before being arrested.
10
Te percent of U[sic]GA fans
that actually attended the school.
5
Te percent of U[sic]GA fans
that actually graduated from the
school.
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U[sic]GA has announced that
they are adding Milton High
School to next years no-confer-
ence basketball schedule. Te
game will be both teams season
opener next season and will be
held at Stegeman Coliseum in
Athens, Ga.
We are really looking forward
to getting to play against top tier
competition, said U[sic]GA Head
Coach Mark Fox. Since most of
the teams in the SEC are as bad
at basketball as they are academi-
cally, we have really been trying to
add some competitive non-confer-
ence games to the schedule. If we
can somehow fnd a way to win
games against marquee opponents
like Milton, it should help us
come tournament selection time.
Although this is the frst time
the Bulldogs have scheduled a
high school team, they are fa-
miliar with playing high qual-
ity non-conference opponents.
Just last season, U[sic]GA played
Youngstown State, a game the
Bulldogs came up short in 68-56
loss. Fox said after the game that
playing such a quality opponent
that tight was a real morale vic-
tory for the team.
Fox is aware of the talent dis-
crepancy between Milton and
U[sic]GA and thinks the matchup
between the two schools could
be a real mismatch.
Milton has a rich history of
producing Division I talent, Fox
said. Just look at their 2010 ros-
ter that had six players with ofers
from Division I schools. Tats
more talent than weve had on
our roster since Ive been here. Its
a safe assumption that all of their
players have a higher IQ than my
players, I just hope that doesnt
translate into a higher basketball
IQ or the game could get real
ugly.
Fox has previously stated that
he is a huge fan of tradition, some-
thing that he believes the U[sic]
GA basketball program lacks, and
hopes to make opening the season
against a high school team an an-
nual event.
We really dont really have
any traditions when it comes to
basketball here at U[sic]GA. We
have our annual tradition of get-
ting owned by Georgia Tech and
Brian Gregory every year, but
thats about it. Hopefully playing
a high school team like Milton
every year is something that will
catch on with our student body
and our other six fans, Fox said.
Like Fox, Milton Head Coach,
Van Keys, had an opinion about
the game but did not sound nearly
as excited about the game as Fox
did.
We already play teams like
Roswell High School, so not re-
ally sure why we needed to add
another scrub to the schedule,
Keys said. Not really my decision
though, I just do what Im told. I
guess it will be a decent warm-up
before region play begins, I just
hope playing such a soft schedule
doesnt tarnish our reputation of
being an elite basketball program.
Tat is the main point when try
to sell to kids when we are out on
the recruiting trail, and it would
be a real hit to our program if we
are unable to continue bringing in
top talent.
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After a long hard season, Aar-
on Murray is in a good mood en-
tering the fnal weeks of his Geor-
gia career. Murray is thrilled that
he wont be given the chance to
choke in this years SEC Champi-
onship game.
Im really just proud of the
way my last season here in Ath-
ens worked out, Murray said.
Usually I would have to worry
about choking in the SEC Cham-
pionship, but this year Im lucky
enough to be able to sit at home
and enjoy some other team from
the SEC East getting it handed to
them by Alabama.
Even the Murray household is
rather upbeat this November be-
cause their family name will not
have to be disgraced once again.
Last year was rough for us.
We were so close, but our little
Tony Romo found a way to let
our family down just one more
time, Murrays, mom, Jane Mur-
ray, said.
Aaron Murray is also possibly
the greatest quarterback in the
history of college football to ac-
complish absolutely nothing. In
a game where rings matter and
winning is everything, Murray
will leave Georgia with zero SEC
Championships and zero Nation-
al Championships. Murray didnt
come to Georgia to set records
he came to win championships
and he did the exact opposite of
that.
I get furious after every Geor-
gia. I always call into the radio. I
constantly call for fring of Mark
Richt and complain how star
can never get over the hump. Tis
supposed to be our year. Last year
supposed to be our year. Ive been
saying for 30 and its old, U[sic]
GA fan Gary Hutcherson said.
Georgia fans calling into ra-
dio shows on Saturday nights to
complain about Coach Richt and
Murray is a tradition unlike any
other and will be missed when
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U[sic]GA head football coach
Mark Richt has announced that
he has signed a contract to be
sponsored by spray tan company
Spray Tan. Richt claims that the
relationship between Spray Tan
and himself was a match made in
heaven since he has been using the
product for about seven years now
anyway.
I was frst introduced to spray
tan a few years back from some
of the sorority girls here in Ath-
ens, Richt said. Since then, it
just caught on and I kept using it.
It really compliments the Just for
Men: Touch of Gray Ive been us-
ing. Back in the day, I didnt really
have to worry about this kind of
stuf, but HDTV changed every-
thing.
Richt didnt go into details
about the length of the contract,
but hinted that it was a pretty lu-
crative deal for him, stating that
he was getting nearly twice as
much as U[sic]GA is paying star
running back Todd Gurley.
I would have signed the con-
tract just to get the free spray tan,
but the huge sum of money they
ofered to go along with it was just
a deal too good to pass up. Im not
really sure how much UGA is go-
ing to be paying me, so Im just
trying to get as much money as
I can before they run me out of
here.
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