ASK MARILYN

(Manson on dating do's & dont's)

Dear Marilyn,

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about nine weeks now and I'm beginning
to feel it's time to take our relationship to the next level...you know the one I'm talking
about. I'm wondering if you think it's too soon for me to ask Chandra if she's ready to
truly show her love and drink copiously of my blood. It's been so long since I've been
drained that I feel like I could burst, man! I can't even turn on the t.v. without seeing
some transfusion or bloody trauma on some bad medical drama and practically breaking
into tears with frustration.. She's sort of conservative when it comes to dating...she only
chained my Prince Albert to her clit ring after we had been seeing each other nearly a
whole month! Then it took another week before she would sear my nipples with an iron.
She also said she's "not ready yet" to let my pet boa constrictor have "sharing rights" on
her sweet honeypot. (Talk about fucking Little House on the Prairie!) So what do you
think, Marilyn--is it time to open a vein or am I hoping in vain on a "slit-tease" here?

Razorless in Rancoma

Dear Razorless,

This tease of a bitch should have slit you by now

and drunk your sweet hemolytic nectar. You need to
have a talk with her and find out what the source of
her reticence is (for instance, did her parents warp
her in some insidious way, perhaps by making her
believe she should confine her menstruation to the
bathroom?) You never know in today's sick world.
It's comforting to see you know something's wrong,
which is half of the solution. Maybe set up a nice
romantic night where you suprise her in the hottub
(be sure you have my love ditties playing nearby)
with the realization that the waters all about her are
suddenly turning red as the hellish breasts of she-
demons. Then casually lift your arms to show her the
bloody slits and smile like a serial killer who just got
hired as a school crossing-guard. She'll squeal with
delight like a sacrificial goat. Watch how fast she puts
down that champagne flute and goes for the gusto.
Hope this helps and send me e- pix once the juices
start flowing.

Love in Satan,

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

I am a fourteen-year-old altar boy and I am beginning to have issues of self-worth

because none of the priests at my Catholic church will molest me. I have tried the usual
tricks of seduction practiced by other altar boys (friends of mine) such as sucking on
cherry-flavored popsicles (we call them "cocksickles"), deep-throating hot dogs, licking
bananas, etc. when the priests are around, walking around in my Underoos in the
vestment room and even singing songs by that anal fisherman Morrissey, but all to no
avail. Why am I not getting as much Italian sausage as Madonna did in parochial
school?

Creepless in Seattle

Dear Creepless,

Fear not. The porcine-snouted minions of the

Anti-Antichrist who peddle popery and sodomy will
burn in the Crisco of our Father's infernal kitchen for
all eternity. There they will incessantly feel their
pigs' intestines raped and torn by the huge razored
stakes of demon-cock. As to the lack of "ass-
traction" you're currently experiencing, I can't really
say. Unless maybe you're a little porker? In which
case I would suggest Jenny Craig. If that doesn't
work (and the meals are great!) try heroin. That
should get you the "waif look" those bunghole
burglars crave really fast. Good luck! And send me
the drippings when you do succeed...priest splooge
really finishes off an Appletini beautifully....

Yours in Satan,

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

I am a thirteen-year-old girl. My best friend Tiffany got mad at me because I

borrowed her favorite Bratz doll and then accidentally dropped it into a nuclear reactor
we were visiting on our school field trip. The teacher said we couldn't have it back
because it would mean none of the girls in our family could ever have babies again if we
touched it or took it home. Have you ever heard such a load of crap?!? I'm sure the
teacher stole it for her troll of a daughter who goes to a "special school." Anyway, do I
owe Tiff another Bratz doll or should I just stop talking to her because she called me a
"snot-wad" after it happened?

Sad and Mad in Charlotte

Dear Sad and Mad,

I have lots of Bratz dolls. Thousands of them in

fact. I have Bratz dolls you can't even buy at Target
or Wal-mart. These are specially made for me and do
wonderful tricks. Some of them are even as big as
you! Would you like to see my Bratz doll collection?
Then you should come over sometime. In fact, I
have a great idea. Why don't you bring Tiffany too?
I know some great games in which friends get to
make up in a really fun and playful way. I'm
enclosing a picture of myself with Sponge Bob. And
another with Brittany Spears. Aren't they cool? I can
tell you all about it when you come over. Maybe they
will even stop by when you are here! My phone # is
on the back of the photo and I can even send a huge
black car to pick you and Tiffany up. It's just the sort
of car a rockin' Bratz doll would ride in, if dollies
could ride in cars. Hee hee. Marilyn made a joke!
But seriously...come and see me. And see what sort
of fun things you can find in Mommy's "secret
drawer" you might want to bring. You know the one I
mean. She has such pretty clothes and fun toys,
doesn't she? Don't forget the funny string of plastic
grapes. Wait til I show you how Mommy plays with
them! But don't tell anyone. We will be secret
friends. Okay?

Your New Friend,

Marilyn