Jamie Lewis - Issuance of Insanity III. Nutritional Psycho

ISSUANCE OF INSANITY III:
NUTRITIONAL PSYCHO

JAMIE LEWIS

DIGITAL PRINTING 2013
Copyright 2013 by Jamie Lewis
First Printing
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in a form by means,
electronic, magical, mechanical, psychic, alchemical, photocopied,
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Copyeditor Krishtha Spuglio
Cover Design- Krishtha Spuglio
ISBN Pending Printed in the United States of America

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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
CON1LN1S
1. IN1RODUC1ION 2
2. MORL MLN1AL 1lAN Pl\SICAL, AND lARDLR 1lAN \OU`D 1lINK 4
S1LMMING 1lL 1IDL Ol DL-LVOLU1ION, a.k.a. lARDLN 1lL lUCK UP 11
\OUR lA1 IS UNLQUIVOCALL\ \OUR lAUL1 14
\OUR lA1 IS UNLQUIVOCALL\ \OUR lAUL1 2:
Biggest Loser, Actiists, and Loudmouthed Internet Shitbirds- I`d say luck Lm`, But \ho`d \ant 1o
20
PALLOLI1lIC DIL1ING: CAVLMLN lAD I1 RIGl1
Lat Like a Motherucking Caeman, and \ou`ll Look Like a Motherucking Caeman 25
RLAD A lUCKING BOOK, ALRLAD\: 1be Pateo otvtiov by Robb \ol 28
KL1OGLNIC DIL1ING 31
KL1O DIL1S: 35
\hy 1hey \ork, low 1o Make 1hem \ork lor \ou, \hy Vince Gironda Made a Song About 1hem...
35
M\ SLCRL1 DIL1 lOOD: Yov`tt êrer Cve.. t, .va t vc/ivg Rvte..
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING
Metabolic 1yping Gets in the Mix, linally 41
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING PAR1 1.5: I \ou Need a Little More Conincing 43
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING, PAR1L DVAl: A Brie listory o Metabolic 1yping 44
MODLRN ML1ABOLIC 1\PING: t Migbt ôt e êce..arit, cievtifc, vt t Certaivt, Ma/e. More ev.e
1bav 1be act 1bat 1be Karaa.biav. Covtivve 1o Drar reatb 1
MISCLLLANLOUS DIL1S AND DIL1ING GOODNLSS
1he lrench lae linally Gien 1he \orld Something O Value- 1he Dukan Diet 5
SIMPLL AS A, B, Bloody C, D, L! 61
S1L\-ROIDS
Stew-Roids Like A Muthaucka 64
1lLRL`S NO SUCl 1lING AS 1OO MAN\ S1L\-ROIDS 3
S1L\-ROIDS lOR 1lL \IN 83
VLGL1ARIANISM,VLGANISM
On Veganism 98
VLGL1ARIANISM AND VLGANISM: 1be e.t vaicator. of erere Mevtat ttve.. ivce tbe 1ivfoit at
VLGL1ARIANISM AND VLGANISM 2: .. ogicat .. . Pooietarorea ottio 102
MAKL I1 lUCKING S1OP! 1be /ivv, itcbe. .re ac/ 10
lINISlING Oll 1lL SKINN\ BI1ClLS 110
PY1O,`Ô1ROC^: o, . 1be Derit, .va ôt v . vv !a, 111
SO\ IS 1lL DLVIL, AND NO1 IN A lUN \A\, 22 1,2 116
S1RONG LNOUGl lOR A MAN, BU1 Pl BALANCLD IS lORSLSlI1 119
\O DOG! I \ANNA LOOK LIKL \OU! !bat Kiva of vtevevt. Do Yov 1a/e. 121
\anna-be Necromancer and Randomly lerbal Pharmacist 125
1he Supplements \ou Own Lnd Up Owning \ou 126
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1he Supplements \ou Own Lnd Up Owning \ou 126
I Only Lat lood In Bar lorm ,1he Supplements \ou Own Lnd Up Owning \ou, Addendum, 12
lO\ 1O RAISL \OUR 1LS1 LLVLLS LIKL A lUCKING CAVLMAN 130
\OU CAN NLVLR lAVL 1OO MUCl 1LS1OS1LRONL, SLRIOUSL\ 131
lOLD 1lL lUCKING PlONL- BLlOLD 1lL .tba Mate Cbattevge! 133
LNOUGl ALRLAD\: e ava aaaa..er, .re Defvitiret, vterrivea, Part 1. 1
LNOUGl ALRLAD\: e ava aaaa..er, .re Defvitiret, vterrivea, Part 2. 1
LVIL \ILL AL\A\S 1RIUMPl, BLCAUSL GOOD IS DUMB. 141
Lil \ill Always 1riumph, Because Good Is Dumb: 1he Science 143
LVIL \ILL 1RIUMPl, BLCAUSL GOOD IS DUMB: 1be cievce Covtivvea. 11:
S1OP BLING A PUSS\: GO lUCKING lLRAL 149
GO lUCKING lLRAL 2: . bvttbefvc/v ataa !itb . iae of tra Ravt. 1:2
\ou Can Gain \eight \ithout Looking Like a lat luck 160
\OU CAN GAIN \LIGl1 \I1lOU1 LOOKING LIKL A lA1 lUCK 2 161
\OU CAN GAIN \LIGl1 \I1lOU1 LOOKING LIKL A lA1 lUCK 3 164
CAN`1 GAIN \LIGl1 GULSS \lA1- \OU`RL DOING I1 \RONG 1 168
I1`S 1IML 1O S1OP MOCKING INDIANS lOR 1lLIR CLUBBLLLS 44:
And \ou 1hought Sumo \restlers lad A lucked Up Diet 182
DIL1ING 1lL CNP \A\: 1be rotvtiov Of M, Diet 1
1lL APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1, IN lULL AND GLORIOUS DL1AIL 200
APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1 Il \OU`RL LLAN AS SlI1 203
APLX PRLDA1OR lOR A1lLL1LS, I1ALIANS AND GIRLS ,APD & CARBS, 205
1INKLRING \I1l 1lL APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1 20
1lL NO1 1OO lA1, BU1 NO1 1OO lUCKING LLAN APPROACl. 210
APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1, PAR1 4: rer, .e Preaator Coe. Ov .v Occa.iovat Ravage, o ovg .. Cbri.
av.ev Doe.v`t Catcb 1bev ir.t 212
\OU`RL lOCUSLD ON ALL 1lL \RONG SOR1 Ol DL1AILS: 216
Il \OU ABSOLU1LL\ lUCKING MUS1 LA1 DOGSlI1, LA1 1lIS 218
1lL GOVLRNMLN1 DOLSN`1 LIKL \OU: v .tt Probabitit,, t ate. Yov. 220
1lLRL`S A BUNCl Ol lUCKING lORSLSlI1 lLOA1ING AROUND... 224
ClLA1 MLALS: f Yov`re ôt Cbeativg, Yov`re ôt 1r,ivg 20
GL\COGLN SUPLRCOMPLNSA1ION & \LIGl1 MANIPULA1ION 238
NO1 SA\ING \OU SlOULD BLCOML AN ALCOlOLIC, BU1. 240
\orks Cited 245
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!"#$%$ '%$ () *)%$ +'%%,$%- .) /%)--0 122 3 #'4$ ,( /)**)( 5,.# .#$
6(/)(.%)22'+2$ '(7 .#$ ,(-'($8 .#$ 4,/,)6- '(7 .#$ $4,28 '22 .#$ *'9:
#$* 3 #'4$ /'6-$7 '(7 *9 6..$% ,(7,;;$%$(/$ .)5'%7 ,. 3 #'4$ ()5 -6%:
<'--$70 =9 <',( ,- /)(-.'(. '(7 -#'%< '(7 3 7) (). #)<$ ;)% ' +$..$%
world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inicted on others.
1. IN1RODUC1ION
1his book has, or many people, been a long time coming. Oer the last couple o years I hae
posted a wide array o seemingly disparate articles on diet that hae let more than a ew peo-
ple scratching their heads, wondering exactly what it is I recommend. 1he short ersion is, o
course, nothing. I recommend no one diet or all people, as I lack the requisite haughtiness and
small-mindedness to suggest that eery person on Larth would beneFt similarly rom the same diet.
Such simplicity is olly, and it would be embarrassing or a person to accept the idea that such a
thing was possible.
\e are not machines.
\e did not issue orth rom the maw o a mechanical womb, the mass-produced ospring o a
digital god. Instead, we are the produce o a number o disparate genetic backgrounds and geo-
graphic locales rom which each indiidual has receied a unique set o instructions rom their
maker. 1here are no simple answers to the question o diet- just simple people in search o an
illusion that could not possibly exist. As thinking beings, we need to embrace the act that our
conception o the simplicity o the world around us is no more real than the ideal diet we seek to
beneFt all people equally.
Abandon your belie in egalitarianism. All humans were not created equal. As such, all humans
will not beneFt equally rom a single diet. Lmbrace your indiiduality, your oibles, your ailings,
and your strengths. 1hey are the clues that will lead you to the diet that will unleash your inner
Ubermensch. Now, sit back, relax, and prepare your mind or the brutal onslaught o inormation-
al oerload you are about to receie.
\hat ollows is the culmination o our years o research and writing on nutrition. \hen I began
my research in the Feld o nutrition, I did so with the adage in mind that i one spends an hour a
day studying any gien subject, they would be an expert on that subject in a year. laing spent a
solid year reading a ariety o texts on nutrition, I realized that the adage mustè been coined by
a person who was only an expert at spouting original, i wholly incorrect, platitudes. Despite the
hundreds o hours reading, the countless espressos chugged while reading eery bit o the dreck
that populates bookstore sheles in the nutrition section, the thousands dust-Flled sneezes in or-
gotten corners o uniersity libraries, and the reisiting o all o my old bodybuilding tomes, I elt
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as though I still had a picture o the ideal human diet so incomplete that I might as well hae been
trying to Fgure out how to uck while watching a scrambled eed o Skinimax late on a Saturday
night. As such, I continued my research and experimentation with my own diet to determine what,
i anything, constituted the ideal human diet. Len beore I`d embarked on this intellectual jour-
ney, I`d already read a number o books, pored oer thousands o nutrition articles in bodybuilding
magazines, and tried nearly eery type o diet o which one could think- the typical high carbo-
hydrate, low at bodybuilder diet, the traditional ketogenic diet, Zone` dieting, Paleo, and then
arying permutations o each. As such, the picture should hae been, I thought, ar clearer than it
actually was.
\ith eery book I read, the certainty I might hae in any one diet being uniersally eFcient or
ideal eroded urther, and the realization that een within a single person, the ideal diet might
change rom period to period in that person`s lie. I that seems obtuse, allow me to explain- there
are huge biochemical, physiological and hormonal dierences in a person`s internal enironment
throughout his or her lie. One`s body is hardly a static enironment, as it`s impossible or a person
to continually repeat the perect` day or maximum hypertrophy and minimal at storage. As you
age, your hormonal proFle changes, and your body produces more or less testosterone, estrogen
and progesterone. 1hat alone would play merry hell on your dieting, and that ails to take into
account your stress leels, sleep, training, exposure to enironmental toxins, sexual actiity, and
illnesses. 1here are ar too many actors at play or anyone to state unequiocally that a gien diet
is best in all cases, or all people, at any age. Any statement to the contrary is either a blatant lie or
the product o an idiot.
1his is not a cop-out, nor is it an excuse or the possibility o dietary ailure i you ollow my diet-
ing strategies to a t`. Instead, this is a rational, educated adult attempting to impart a simple act
o lie to other rational, educated adults- there is no magic diet that will work or you eery day or
the rest o your lie. Instead, there`s the perect diet or you, right now, and it`s up to you to pull on
your big girl panties, sack the uck up, and experiment until you Fnd it.
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>'.%,/? @'.$*'(A 3B* )( ' 7,$.0
Jean: What, you're kidding, right? You look great... so t... and thin.
>'.%,/? @'.$*'(A C$228 9)6 /'( '25'9- +$ .#,(($%000 2))? +$..$%0
D$'(A "#$( *'9+$ 5$ -#)627(B. E) )6. .) 7,(($%0 3 5)627(B. 5'(. 9)6
.) 2)-$ 9)6% 5,22<)5$%0
>'.%,/? @'.$*'(A "#'.B- )?'90 3B* (). 4$%9 E))7 '. /)(.%)22,(E ,. '(9:
5'90
2. MORL MLN1AL 1lAN Pl\SICAL, AND lARDLR 1lAN \OU`D 1lINK
One discussion I hae more regularly than Charlie Sheen calls his coke dealer is with a woman ,and
any woman at that,, wherein she expresses no small amount o angst, horror, disbelie, and a little
bit o jealousy, at my eed the machine` mentality towards eating. lor those o you who aren`t
already aware, I more or less eat to eed the machine- it`s much more about the macronutrient com-
position and my dietary needs than it is about what makes my inner child smile. In act, uck my
inner child- my inner lulk determines what I`m eating at any gien moment. I`d neer really gi-
en much thought to why that is so easy or me and so hard or most other people until this recent
dialogue, at which point I stumbled across what seems to me to be the most important piece o
the puzzle. Remember, howeer ,especially any women reading this, that I am an outsider looking
in on this subject. Lating to satisy some sort o inner emotional need is so ar in the distant past
I don`t een remember i it actually existed. 1hus, Iè no idea what I`ll be able to contribute in
terms o actual steps to take to become a ucking machine- I`m just going to identiy the problem
and gie you theory on how to Fx it.
"#$ >%)+2$*8 1- 3 F$$ 3.
1he problem beore most people when embarking on a diet, a real, restrictie, extreme-end-goal,
uck the world and pass the at burners diet, is twoold. lirst, they hae to deprogram themseles
rom years o shitty dietary habits and the concomitant emotional attachment to certain oods.
1his is a massie problem or most people, as they tend to associate certain oods with certain
eelings. Just about eery broad I know, or instance, aoids the uck out o protein and eats noth-
ing but at and sugar when they`re upset, and that shit generally comes in the orm o baked goods,
pasta coered in cheese, and potatoes. lrankly, that makes no sense to me, because hal the time
they`ll tell you they`re depressed because they eel at. 1he answer, then, should be pretty simple
GH3I" J1KHIKL, but most women seem to preer the emotional gratiFcation o eating that
bullshit oer the rational solution sitting in ront o them. I assume guys do this as well, but all o
the guys with whom I generally hang out are just as robotic about their eating as I, or take enough
gear to make up the dierence. \ou might think, i you Fnd yoursel doing shit like that, that it`s
justiFed biochemically or hormonally, but hear this:
MNOP0 "J1"0 FJ3"0
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\hateer biochemical,hormonal response you`re getting out o the ood pales in comparison to
the innux o Fre-breathing, lie-giing, at-burning, muscle-building, libido-increasing goodness o
testosterone you`ll hae rom eating meat, getting lean and jacked, and getting the uck up o the
couch. Lating meat and getting lean does more or your psyche than you can imagine, as your body
becomes a testosterone producing perpetual motion machine as you get leaner and more jacked
,labito et al, Li,. 1hus, you will be happier oer time i you simply stay the course and abandon
your short term Fxes o brownies and mac and cheese, or whateer the uck it is to sale your
wounded inner child ater looking at yoursel in the mirror. \hile we`re not on the subject o jack-
ing o, you`re ar better o jerking o yoursel than allowing your brain to jump into a rape an
Flled with ree candy or your inner child. Remember, more orgasms~more testosterone, which
equals better eerything |Lditor`s note- More orgasms MA\ equal more testosterone. Science has
yet to arrie at a consensus there|.
Additionally, i you`re suering rom moodiness and irritability, it`s likely due to to the high leels
o estrogen running through your body i you`re oerweight. Lstrogen and at are a perpetual
motion machine o bullshit- at produces estrogen and suppresses testosterone, and excess estro-
gen encourages at storage. Suppressed testosterone also leads to moodiness ,Barrett-Connor et
al.,, which, in turn, will generally lead to poor ood choices. Additionally, allergens and other toxic
chemicals in your enironment ,like the preseraties in that horrible shit you call comort oods`,
can lead to moodiness and irritability ,\atson 42-46,. lurthermore, there appears to be a correla-
tion between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein diets show increased
leels o sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it rom
becoming bio-aailable ,Schuler 0-1,. "#,- *$'(- .#'. .#$ -#,. *)-. ); 9)6 E$($%'229 6-$ .)
,*<%)4$ 9)6% *))7 ,- '/.6'229 #'4,(E .#$ )<<)-,.$ $;;$/.. 1hus, there`s something to be said
or that ridiculously oerused quotation you`ll see on eery thinsperation` site on the internet,
Nothing tastes as good as being thin eels,` because being lean eels ucking A\LSOML. L-
ery time you look in the mirror, you eel good about being you. laing a shitty day Guess what,
there`s a brand new ein on your bicep waiting to cheer you right the uck up. It`s just that simple.
Dough nuts likely do not hae the same eect.
In re 1hinspiration`, which is what sites dedicated to pictures o extraordinarily thin chicks
claim to be, I`m not really a an o the wai look, but you hae to appreciate the dedication
o being the hunger artists those broads are. 1urning staration into a philosophy is pretty
Kaka-esque, and anyone who`s down with the author o v tbe Pevat Cotov, is good by me.
1ragically, those broads are probably just too ucking stupid and lazy to diet and exercise
correctly, so they just aoid ood altogether and completely dissemble my argument aboe.
Alas.
"#$ H'%? >$%,)7
1he second issue acing most dieters is what I`m going to call the dark period.` 1hat would be
the time in which you seem to be spinning your wheels, since there`s not really all that much appre-
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ciable dierence in your appearance and you`re just hungry and pissed o. 1hat period blows, and
Iè gone through it more than once in my adult lie in spite o my draconian dieting regime, simply
because maintaining sub 8 bodyat`s incredibly diFcult to do year-round while attempting to con-
stantly get bigger and stronger, not to mention mentally exhausting. \ere I to simply resign mysel
to being a ripped 165, I could do a modiFed paleo diet indeFnitely and rock a 6 pack without much
o an issue. I did it in Lurope without een the beneFt o atburners, since eery motherucking
thing in the world that`s awesome is iolently illegal oer there, but I managed to get as lean as I`d
eer been liing on 2kg o chicken in broth with caulinower and broccoli and a turkey kebab eery
day. I was, howeer, ucking tiny. 1hus, Iè got to oereat like a motherucker and train my ass
o to stay in the 190- area, and at times that`ll wear you down. 1hus, I`ll let my diet slide, and I`ll
gain at that`s hard as uck to take o while maintaining a leel o musculature my body apparently
hates. \hen that happens, I go though the ollowing stages:
QR H$(,'2 .#'. 3B* E$..,(E ;'..$%0 ,So I keep eating the shit that`s been making me atter,.
SR 1//$<.'(/$ .#'. 3B4$ E)..$( ;'..$%0 ,Deliberation about diet and hal-assed dieting,.
TR K$-)24$ .) E$. 2$'( 'E',(0 ,lard dieting begins,.
UR 3(,.,'2 '5$-)*$ ;'. 2)-- -.'E$0 1his is when eins I`d orgotten about start popping out
on my biceps, and my lower abs start to show a bit. 1his is massiely encouraging, so I diet and
train harder.
VR "#$ H'%? >$%,)70 At this point, my body and my brain ny into ull reolt. I`m pissed I
can`t eat the shit that made me at in the Frst place ,which or me is nothing more than sandwiches
with lean meat and Baked Lays more than once a week,. At this point, I am angry as uck that my
relatiely clean diet made me at in the Frst place, and een more angry at the act that my at loss
appears to be stalled. At this point, I start to question i it`s een worth it and i I should stay the
course.
1he Dark Period will likely be the worst ucking time o your dieting lie- it trumps the initial stages
o semi-staration and craings, blows away the Fnal push to extreme leanness or competitions,
and makes the occasional protein sparing modiFed ast seem like a walk in the park. lor me, the
Dark Period generally lasts a couple o weeks, which is liable. 1he duration o this period is
blissully short or me because I think 12 bodyat is unspeakably obese, and thus neer really get
to an unmanageable state. lor those o you who hae a much more lax ,and sane, deFnition o
obesity, this period will likely ar outlast mine. My Dark Period still ucking blows, but it`s nothing
whatsoeer like what most people hae to endure. lor most people, the Dark Period can last mul-
tiple months, as there`s a really weird period o time that occurs wherein you can see major changes
in your physique, and it`s more disheartening than discoering your aorite slutty riend is aerse
to anal gangbangs. 1he bit o happy news or those o you who are under 15 bodyat is that
once you get under 10, you pretty much see new detail in your physique on a daily basis, which is
excellent motiation to continue dieting. lor the rest o you, howeer, you`ll hae to contend both
with the loss o the oods that gae you temporary joy while eating them and a protracted period
in which nothing appreciable seems to be happening, which most people consign themseles to
ailure because their lose their resole or lack o a isible light at the end o the tunnel`. People
Page 8
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will then decide that they cannot get any leaner, and they`ll make innumerable excuses or why that
is. Remember, howeer, that certainty is a cruel mindset- it hardens our minds against possibility
and closes them to the world we actually lie in.`,Langer 24, Gien that it`s ar easier to ail than
succeed, and the act that we`re awash in a sea o ucking elephants these days, it`s easy to conince
yoursel that ailure is ok. 1hat, howeer, is nothing more than lazy thinking and deeatism, '(7
;6/? 7$;$'.,-*. \ou`re no more designed to be at than house cats are designed to be egetarians-
humans are apex predators by design, not at lumps o shit who need Lipitor to keep their arteries
rom ucking cracking and Viagra to get their dicks up. 1hat is, i they can Fnd their dicks to con-
Frm this.
"#$ F)26.,)(
1he simplest solution here is a tangible, Van Damme-style hard target o a goal. By this, I do
not mean some sort o silly-ass intra-oFce weightloss competition- you need something RLAL.
Something in which you`ll look like an ass i you ail. \ou need the ear o ailure and a desire or
success simultaneously pushing you orward, and likely to greater heights than you eer imagined.
As such, i you want to get lean, here`s what you should do- pick a meet that`s in a sport in which
you want to compete and in which \OU lAVL A RLASONABLL DLGRLL Ol SKILL. lor
uck`s sake, there are a lot o you people trying to Ft a square peg in a round hole, and it`s ucking
retarded. 1hus, this aside:
Certain people are good at certain things and not others. Others are good at a shitload o
things and seem to hae ew naws, and others o you are just ucked. 1he ucked ones likely
aren`t reading this shit- they`re busy playing with My Little Ponies in their parents` basement
and trying to hide their 3` hard ons as they smell the ponies` hair. 1he people who Fnd the
most success in lie are those who work hard getting better at what they`re good at, while de-
oting ar less time ,though some, to improing on their weaknesses. I you spend all your
time working on your perceied weaknesses, the best or which you can hope is mediocrity,
and *$7,)/%,.9 ,- ' -.6<,7 ;6/?,(E E)'2. 1hus, you will need to Frst sit down and deter-
mine what your competitie strengths are. laing done so, weigh them against what you
enjoy. 1he shit that has the most crossoer is the shit in which you should compete. Beore
you people start making claims about my claims about being unmuscular and generally un-
suited or powerliting, consider the act that I NLVLR consulted with other people about
training. I neer asked detailed questions o a complete stranger about training. I I did
anything, I aped the actiities o other people to Fgure out how it should be done. I read
a great deal about training, and I pushed the uck out o mysel. As such, you are almost
certainly nothing like me. My success comes rom nearly twenty years o breaking my uck-
ing ass in the gym 5 or more days a week, through illness, training, acations, trael, diorce...
you ucking name it. I hae a burning desire to rule eerything around me, and I will bend
the ucking world to my will. 1hus, I can be pretty ucking awesome at just about anything I
want, because I hate losing more than I like watching t. Get me
In short, what I`m saying is there seem to be a lot o you out there who pick what you want
Page 9
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to do beore you Fgure out what you`re good at, which is ucking retarded. 1his is why I get
so many ridiculous emails claiming improements in their squat ater 5 years and they`re not
een hitting 300 lbs at 190.
WX"IA 3; 9)6B%$ QYZ 2+- '(7 9)6 /'((). -[6'. TZZ 2+- ';.$% .5) 9$'%- ); .%',(,(E8 HX
WX" >XCIK\3M"0
\ou will not only neer be good at it, but you`ll embarrass yoursel, your amily, and your
riends in the process. 1he same goes or people who want to be olympic liters but suck at
oerhead work, or who are slow, or innexible, or unagile. Likewise, don`t kill yoursel trying
to become the next super model i you notice that people ninch when they see your hideous
isage. 1his seems elementary to me, but the internet seems to hae put it in eeryone`s
head that they should research the uck out o things ,badly,, then discuss those things on
message boards ,using pseudo-intellectualism that would make a beret-wearing junior college
philosophy major blush,, and only then try them. I youè done that, punch yoursel in the
ace- you`re likely too stupid to succeed in killing yoursel, so you might as well not bother
attempting suicide. Jump in with both eet, and i you Fnd that you immediately sink to the
bottom, pick something else to do.
Moing on, Fgure out what it is in which you will compete. I it`s bodybuilding or Fgure, it`s all
that much simpler, as you don`t hae to worry so much about strength. I it`s anything inoling a
hell o a lot o running around ,I`m looking at you, rugby players, you`re you`re doing naught but
announcing your sloth and idiocy to those around you i you`re not airly lean. I it`s a strength
sport, you`re likely going to be concerned about losing strength. Don`t be, or a couple o reasons:
QR H,$.,(E ?$$<- 9)6 ;)/6-$7 )( .%',(,(E8 '(7 4,/$ 4$%-'0 1he harder you diet, the harder
you`ll train. 1he oberse is deFnitely not true. I you eat sloppily, you will not care as much when
you hit the gym, because youè already made a shitload o concessions about your training ,in the
uel selection,, so you`re retreating rom success beore you een touch a bar. I you`re entering the
gym pissed o and a little hungry rom dieting, you`ll take out your rustration on the weights, and
you`ll want to break your ucking ass so that the eort o dieting isn`t wasted.
SR Provided you're eating ample protein and not in a ridiculous caloric decit, you'll not
2)-$ *6-/2$ )% -.%$(E.# ;%)* 7,$.,(E0 Anyone who says otherwise was dieting like a bodybuild-
er, which is ucking retarded. Bodybuilders diet the way they do because they`re mentally weak and
rely on drugs to do the majority o the work. In strength sports, you do all the heay liting- a ial
o test has neer lited a goddamned thing.
TR I4$( ,; 9)6 *'('E$7 .) 2)-$ -.%$(E.#8 7%)<<,(E ;'. *$'(- 7%)<<,(E 5$,E#.8 5#,/#
*$'(- 7%)<<,(E 5$,E#. /2'--$-0 As such, your relatie strength will likely rise. lor instance, you
decide to do a meet, and you currently hae a 1500 lb total at 200 lbs, with 15 bodyat. \ou diet
your ass o, and in 5 months are 181 with 6 bodyat, a badass set o abs, but only a 1450 total
,which would be lIGlL\ unlikely, but this is just or the sake o argument,. \our \ilks coe-
Fcient would hae increased rom 432.66 to 441.909, meaning you`re actually much better o in
Page 10
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terms o getting best liter than you would hae been as a at 198 lber.
In any eent, you`re going to pick a competition not more than six months away. I say not more
than six months away because you need a sense o immediacy driing you orward. \ou ($$7 to
hear a clock ticking in the background, and you ($$7 to be without room or error or ailure. \ou
need a time limit so that your eery action must be near-perect to achiee your goal. Once you
decide on the meet, mail in your participation orms and ees immediately. Spending money on
entry ees, whateer equipment you`ll need, and trael will guilt you into training. Additionally, you
will hae to set a tangible goal on that orm, because you will ostensibly hae picked a weight class
in which you realistically want to compete. 1ake your bodyat, decide what`s doable in the time
allotted, and where you would like to be, and then start dieting. 1lA1 DA\. Not tomorrow. Not
on Monday. Right then and ucking there.
Starting the diet`s not the hard part- sticking with the diet is. Like I mentioned, you`re initially going
to see a lot o progress. 1hat will motiate you to train and diet harder, which will initially produce
een more pronounced results. 1hen, quite without warning, those results will seem to stall. I hae
no idea what the uck your body is doing in this period, or why it happens. \hat I can tell you,
howeer, is that it een ucks with my head. \ou will start to doubt eerything at this point, and
you`ll start blindly grabbing or solutions to kill the stall in your recomposition. \hat people do
most commonly at this point, i they don`t quit altogether, is to either take a layo or change what
they`re doing entirely.
HX WX" HX I3"JIK0
Neither one o those things is what got you to where you are, and you`re not a pre-industrial ex-
plorer who`s run out o land and has to start building a boat. \ou`re simply a pilot who`s hit a
badass headwind in the middle o a ucking hurricane. Like that pilot, you`re just going to hae to
gie it more gas to keep making any progress, and keep going the exact same way you`re going to
aoid haing the hurricane spin you around and slam you into the ucking ground. Make no mis-
take- i you stray rom the course that got you to your stall, you will ucking crash and burn. In-
stead, you just gie that ucker more gas to get through the dark period. Like that pilot, you will get
out o the storm, and you will be ucking happy with the results when you do.
Sequential shits in behaior spur the most change- not radical ones ,\oung 45,. 1hus, when you
stall you should take a look at what youè been doing and Fnd ways to tweak it to improe it.
Add a weighted est to your light workouts and just wear it throughout the lit.
Add in a long morning walk on an empty stomach.
Stand up while you play Xbox.
Cut down on the number o carbs you eat during a reeed, spread them out throughout the
day, or try concentrating them into one big burst.
Add a couple o sets to each workout o piddly shit you`d like to improe.
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Any improement you make to what has already been proen to work will help get you through the
dark period. I you spend too much time analyzing and not enough time doing, howeer, you will
suer rom paralysis o analysis, and you will utterly ail. Oer-analysis anchors you in the past,
causes you to associate the problem with odd and oten downright ucking ridiculous things, and
makes change diFcult ,\oung 51,. I`m looking at you, Reddit. Stop agonizing oer your orm,
or the minor details o this or that, and just ucking 1R\ lARDLR. I I had a ucking dollar or
eery email Iè receied where the obious answer was try harder, you ucking pussy`, I`d hae
a shitload o money. I you simply do something, and you beliee what you`re doing will work, it
will. I sugar pills can cure 50 o depression cases simply because the patients beliee in the e-
Fcacy o their treatment ,Langer 110,, belie in yoursel and your actions will cause you to achiee
success, because unlike the whiny pussies in the depression study, you`re getting o your ass and
taking charge o your own lie.
During this period, you are going to hae to work harder than eer to stay ocused. It is going to
suck. \ou`re going to need more sleep. \ou`re going to get pissed o at little shit, because you`re
Flled to the ucking brim with rustration at your perceied lack o progress. People around you
are going to start making suggestions about making concessions, about how what you`re doing is
unnatural and possibly unhealthy, and they`re going to reinorce your doubts and that shitty little
oice in the back o your head. It is at this point that you need to remember the ollowing:
\ou are better than eery single ucking person around you.
\ou`re a goddamned demi-god- you hae transcended the human condition and become something
better, and you`re on your way to becoming a godhead. I, that is, you can stay the course. 1o do
this, I use a ariety o techniques. I listen to een more aggressie music, and I am constantly on
the hunt or new music to get me pumped up. I will only read books in which the protagonist is
well-neigh superhuman, whether it be Michael Z. \illiamson`s badass libertarian sci F noels, Lee
Child`s Reacber books, Vlad the Impaler`s biography, or my ultimate pump-up book, Cate. of ire.
I`ll watch Crank 2 eery morning when I awaken to get my blood nowing and to get my ass moing
ast and aggressiely. On top o that, I`ll diet een harder, reduce my carbs during my reeed days,
and cut any sugars during my Rampage.
Preention o mental stalls is done through pre-programming a response to cut reaction time.
Preprogramming appears to circument the strategy ormulation stage and directly downloads
the motor program into the central nerous system`,Siddle 0-1,. lor me, preprogramming is as
simple as cloaking mysel in superhuman, aggressie awesomeness. It is NLVLR, howeer, read-
ing tales o woe and ailure on the ucking internet, so aoid message boards like the goddamned
plague during that time. 1here`s nothing in them but ucking ail. 135 lb orm check I only want
to see it i it`s a 6 year old girl doing it and she cuts the throat o some dickbag in Under Armor
gear thereater. A whiney missie to ,r,Ftness about the act that youè stalled, wondering i
youè made enough progress Only i the last picture posted is you opening the eins on your
wrists while chugging bleach.
Keep it positie, and keep it aggressie. \ou will preail.
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Should you Fnd yoursel ailing, it`s because you lack the resole to succeed. At that point, you
hae two choices- be a strong person or a weak person. 1here`s no in-between. I you ail at di-
eting, you`re ucking weak. 1here is no other reason- it`s not your thyroid, or your genetics, or the
act that you didn`t use this or that drug- it`s because you`re ucking weak. Should you choose to be
so, that`s Fne. lrankly, I could care less i most people just walked themseles o a ucking cli,
and their mental state could not possibly matter less to me. It should, howeer, matter a great deal
to you. 1hus, you should succeed at your diet to make yoursel a stronger, better person. \ou will
thank yoursel, and the more miserable the experience, the more you`ll appreciate it thereater.
!"#$%&' #) *+, "* +-,#+*.
S1LMMING 1lL 1IDL Ol DL-LVOLU1ION, a.k.a. lARDLN 1lL lUCK UP
1here is little case to be made, in my mind, against the idea that humanity has de-eoled since
the adent o agriculture, and urther with the adoption o Christianity by the ast majority o the
world. In the last hundred years, adancements hae been made in human health, and the stature
and longeity o the human race as a whole has improed rather markedly. 1his is hardly some-
thing to jump up and down screaming about, howeer, as humanity`s health had been in a steady
decline since the abandonment o hunting and gathering, and then had its genetic pool continually
diluted and systematically destroyed by the Christian ethic o mercy, which has allowed the genet-
ically unFt to propagate their genetic lines or millennia. Make no mistake, in classiying certain
peoples as genetically unFt`, I am in no way reerring to their race, creed, or gender, but rather to
the mercy` inherent in allowing those children who would hae been let to wild dogs to wander
about in society, increasing the prealence o mental and physical retardation, in addition to eery
sort o mental illness one might encounter. 1his problem was exacerbated by the adoption o a
diet wholly unsuited to humanity, that o agrarian are, in lieu o the meat and eggie-intensie diet
o our paleolithic ancestors.
lact: Many Neolithic groups routinely resorted to inanticide in order to control their
numbers so that their lands could support them. Decapitated skeletons o hominid children
hae been ound with eidence o cannibalism. Joseph Birdsell beliees in inanticide rates
o 15-50 o the total number o births in prehistoric times. \illiamson estimated a lower
rate ranging rom 15-20. Both beliee that high rates o inanticide persisted until the de-
elopment o agriculture. Comparatie anthropologists hae calculated that 50 o emale
newborn babies were killed by their parents in the Paleolithic` Additionally, Lxposure o
newborns was widely practiced in ancient Greece. In Greece the decision to expose a child
was typically the ather`s, although in Sparta the decision was made by a group o elders. Lx-
posure was the preerred method o disposal, as that act in itsel was not murder, moreoer,
the exposed child technically had a chance o being rescued by the gods or any passersby.`
\ikipedia ,Inanticide,.
According to archaeologists, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans deeloped musculari-
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ty similar to today`s elite athletes ,Laton,- in the paleolithic era, humanity resembled proessional
athletes, Ft and sleek and muscular as one could imagine, and capable o such impressie eats
as killing megaauna with nothing more than a sharp stick. 1hey were hardly the stooped, sickly,
grubby motheruckers that archaeologists o yore would like to hae you think they were. Instead,
they were heaily muscled, heaily tatted, meat eating motheruckers who were bigger, on aerage,
1lAN MODLRN MAN ,Ungar,. Additionally, archaeologists beliee that the act that the aerage
paleolithic person only lied to be 35 was due to the combination o stresses o nomadism, cli-
mate, and warare, not because they died o old age, sickness, or malnutrition. 1he latter is especial-
ly clear in the Jebel Sahaba population, where projectile wounds aecting bone are ery common
and almost hal the population probably died iolently.` Oer the subsequent ew thousand years,
the aerage liespan only increased about 5 years, until the adent o modern medicine, when it
then doubled ,Nicholson |ed.- 1he chart rom which I pulled this ino is in the appendix|,.
Not all o the sotness and shittiness o the modern human can be attributed to diet and religion,
howeer, as it is airly obious at this point that the mere sloth o the modern human is not to be
underestimated. \eè all heard our grandpas tell us how much tougher people were back in the
day- I remember haing my college roommate`s insane, one eyed grandpa relate to me the ollowing
tale:
I lied on a lARM. \ou DO know what a arm is, eh boy! \ell, it was the Depression, and
we had a bunch o lazy ucking layabouts hanging around the place- sleeping in the Felds
and PUSlING DO\N 1lL CORN. PUSlING DO\N 1lL CORN! \l\ \OULD
A PLRSON SLLLP ON 1OP Ol CORN S1ALKS` |At this point, I was edging away
rom the man, as he was practically oaming at the mouth, and he was screaming at me rom
a distance o about 4 inches, nose to nose with me.| So this one guy, a real hardass, tells me
to go uck my mother when I told him to get o the property. I got out o the truck and
whooped his ass or him. I was 19 or 20, and I wasn`t about to let some bum talk like that
about my mother. So, I beat his ass, and he was laying there, whining and weeping in the dirt.
As I picked him up to throw him in the bed o my truck, he rolled oer and S1ABBLD ML
IN 1lL lUCKING L\L \I1l A CORKSCRL\. |le emphasized this point my point-
ing at the pirate patch oer his let eye.| Dumbstruck, I asked what he did next.| \lA1 DO
\OU 1lINK I DONL, BO\ I S1ABBLD 1lA1 BAS1ARD IN 1lL 1lROA1 \I1l
1lL CORKSCRL\. 1hen I droe mysel to the hospital, where they gae me a patch, an
aspirin, and some sula. 1hat`s how we did it in the OLD DA\S. \ou boys are sot!`
1o summarize, the man pulled out his own eye and stabbed a man to death, whom I later ound out
they buried in the Felds, with the corkscrew that had just been embedded in his ace. I don`t gie a
uck who you are, 1lA1 is the essence o brutality.
Other impressie past eats:
In 1834, a Norwegian sailor named Menson Lrnst ran rom Paris to Moscow, a distance o
about 1550 miles, in 14 days, 18 hours. \e`re talking unpaed, muddy country roads in the middle
o one o the shittiest areas in history, and the ucker S\AM 13 RIVLRS on the way. 1wo years
later, he worked as a courier to the Last India Company and traeled 5625 miles rom Calcutta to
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Constantinople in 59 days- crossing almost nothing but desert and mountains, and passing through
India, 1ibet, Aghanistan, Persia, Mesopotamia, Syria, and 1urkey ,\illoughby,.
Milo Steinborn SQUA11LD 553 pounds.
Greek Fshermen regularly carried on their backs loads ranging rom 400 to 800 lbs circa
192 ,Ibid,.
1he usual load carried by porters in Izmi, 1urkey was 560 lbs in the early part o this centu-
ry, and requently carried 840 lbs ,Ibid,.
1urkish porters in Constantinople used to carry regular load o 600 lbs, sometimes at a trot,
and some o the strongest porters carried 800 lbs ,Ibid,.
1o make matters worse, modern man has proed himsel to hae been weighed, measured, and
ound wanting in comparison with his ancestors. Multiple times, modern Americans hae attempt-
ed to mimic the daily eorts o the people o the past, and hae not only been incapable o doing
so, but hae een deemed their eorts impossible. low were the pyramids built CLR1AINL\
NO1 B\ lAND! Laster Island Must hae been magic. Until recently, archaeologists didn`t think
that Viking longships were SLA\OR1l\, because they couldn`t replicate their acts. 1hat`s right-
they didn`t think that Vikings, who hae let shit scattered all oer Minnesota, could naigate the
ocean, in spite o the act that they were well-documented sailors. In the last ew years, a number
o eorts hae been made to replicate the actions o the Vikings, and hae been disasters. It was
either too cold ,Ibid,, too diFcult to naigate ,Carter,, or simply too strenuous, een when using
Olympic rowers ,Viking Voyage,. Bear in mind that Vikings would regularly row to where they
wanted to go, then immediately disembark and begin killing eeryone they saw with massie broad-
swords, war hammers, and axes, taking a break eery now and again to drink a nagon o mead and
engage in a bit o rapine. Modern athletes can`t een RO\ the ucking things, much less row some-
where and then storm a beachhead thereater and lay waste to a city. So, what does this tell us
\e`re a ciilization soter than any in mankind`s history, and weè not een regained the stature o
our prehistoric ancestors. 1he word pathetic` hardly een describes our collectie physical state in
comparison to our predecessors, and there`s no excuse or it.
!C$ 7)(B. #'4$ ' E%$'. 5'% ,( )6% E$($%'.,)(8 )% ' E%$'. 7$<%$--,)(8 +6. 5$ 7)8
5$ #'4$ ' E%$'. 5'% ); .#$ -<,%,.0 C$ #'4$ ' E%$'. %$4)26.,)( 'E',(-. .#$ /62.6%$0
"#$ E%$'. 7$<%$--,)( ,- )6% 2,4$-0 !
-Chuck Palahniuk
Our reolution, our purpose, should be to undo the millennia o bullshit and nonsense that has
gone on in the human race. \e should resole to be stronger, aster, and leaner than any group o
people in history. \e shall return to the age wherein men looked like men, acted like men, and did
manly shit. Gone is the time wherein you should eel comortable bitching about physical shit- just
do it. \our lower back hurts because youè done a ew sets o deadlits, and you want to stop
\ou`re a ucking pussy. I a 1urkish porter could do it a hundred years ago, I`ll be a Chinese jet
pilot i you can`t muster up the balls to lit it now. Arthur Saxon drank lager beer mixed with gin
and eggs and then proceeded to outlit LVLR\ONL, in an era beore testosterone had been iso-
Page 15
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
lated, and was lean as uck while doing it. \ant to eat more ood but not be a atass 1lLN LIl1
MORL. \ant to get stronger and bigger LIl1 MORL. I people could do it in an era wherein
they had no idea where their next meal was coming rom, you sure as shit can do it now.
I the guys aboe managed to somehow lie through what any slack-jawed pussy on Bodyspace
would swear is oertraining, and thrie, i the pyramids do indeed exist, i the Vikings managed
to do what they did, and i 1URKISl POR1LRS ROU1INLL\ LIl1LD MORL IN A DA\
1lAN \OU LVLR lAVL IN A \LLK, oertraining can suck it. 1he take it easy` crowd can
suck it. 1he 10 minute abs` people can suck it. 1he next time you hear some Under Armor clad
asshole in the gym tell you that i you train chest twice in a week you`re oertraining, grab him by
the throat and pound his ucking ace until you see bone and brain. le shouldn`t be allowed to
procreate.
No one eer got manlier by doing less, and training smarter rather than harder makes you a corner
cutting pussy, not a weightliting irtuoso.
!"#$%$B- () 6-$ ,( 7$(9,(E ,.A .#,- #'- +$$( ' +'7 5$$?0 3B4$ -.'%.$7
drinking my own urine.
\OUR lA1 IS UNLQUIVOCALL\ \OUR lAUL1
A ew years ago, a book was released entitled Yovr at . ôt ,ovr avtt. 1hough the book likely
wasn`t popular enough to hae eected great change in the American zeitgeist, it certainly echoed
the strongly held belies o a lot o extraordinarily at people trundling their worthless asses around
your local \almart. Virtually anything other than their lack o sel-discipline and willpower is
generally identiFed by one o these jiggling crybabies as the root o their sureit o adipose tis-
sue- poerty, genetics, unaailability o healthy ood, insuFcient time, income inequality, oerwork,
marketing, goernmental complicity, societal pressure, and ast conspiracies implicating some or
all o the aorementioned. O the lot, certainly poerty is bandied about the most, as a number o
studies hae drawn a correlation between poerty and obesity. Unsurprisingly, this correlation does
not hold i one looks at the United States in prior eras, nor does it hold consistently outside o the
United States. As these statistics are easily obtained through a google search it seems obious that
obesity is more strongly correlated with sloth and stupidity. Again unsurprisingly, that correlation
holds no matter what spatial or temporal boundaries are employed, and actually extends urther.
As such, I propose that the root o the problem behind obesity in America is a combination o
stupidity and laziness, with the amusing correlates o religiosity and bad driing to boot.
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Page 1
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Beore I expound upon my earth-shattering Fndings, let me state that I understand that the book
Yovr at . ôt Yovr avtt didn`t blame any o those things, but rather ascribed atness to bad parent-
ing, ood allergies, and a bunch o other happy horseshit. Irrespectie, it still takes the onus o the
at person and places it on eeryone else, which is preposterous. I you`re stuck in a room slowly
Flling with raw sewage, you would likely Fnd some way to reduce and then eliminate the now, and
you`d make it your Frst priority. 1hey should be een more motiated in that scenario i they`d
caused the sewage innow, since it was their responsibility or haing caused it. 1hat is, o course,
unless they enjoyed wallowing in sewage. One would think that a penis disappearing under olds
o at would cause people react with much the same leel o distress, alarm, and heightened moti-
ation towards resolution, but they`re too ucking lazy to bother. 1hus, they blame eeryone and
eerything else or their problems and continue to get atter while they scream about their rights as
an alleged human being, their persecution by the skinny right, and the act that their obesity is not a
direct result o their own actions. No matter what their preposterous accusations, howeer, it`s not
society that made them at, and the only thing keeping them rom resembling an actual human is
their unwillingness to start bailing out the house slowly Flling with shit.
1he most common correlation mentioned between atness and anything else is poerty. lat peo-
ple and letists loe to claim that obesity is the result o poerty, and use a ariety o studies to
illustrate the correlation. I you`re thinking to yoursel that this makes no sense, you`re right, but
they conuse correlation or causation because they`re stupid and lazy, and they seem to think that
all poor people are so ucking dumb they don`t know what ood is bad or them and what`s not. As
I show aboe, there`s much more to this issue, but it appears clear to me that stupidity and sloth,
not poerty, are at its root. lat people aren`t at because they`re poor- they`re poor because they`re
at and stupid. 1o wit:
F.6<,78 2']9 <$)<2$ *'?$ .$%%,+2$ 7$/,-,)(-0
As such, they get at, a condition exacerbated by the act that they`re incredibly lazy. Perhaps
extending out o their sloth, they are terrible driers, and this makes it diFcult or them to get
to whateer low-paying jobs they might hae been able to obtain. 1hey are only able to obtain
low-paying jobs because ugly people earn less than attractie people. 1his isn`t atism- it`s a simple
sociological act that people are nicer to attractie people, and attractie people are more successul
as a result. linally, ater being Fred or ailing to show or their job stocking the sheles at \al-
Mart, they all back on the idea that their station in lie is diinely ordained, and that they can do
nothing to resole the situation that their intellectual insuFciency and breathtaking laziness hae
created. 1his, then, explains why they`re poor. Beore you shit your pants screaming about the
logical leaps Iè just made, consider the ollowing: I added in the bad driing and religion simply
because I thought it was amusing, but it seems obious that at people are genetically predisposed
to anything, it`s sucking at lie more than Channing 1atum sucks at acting.
Perhaps you`re concerned that my statistical analysis is nawed- I don`t gie a shit. 1his isn`t intend-
ed to be an in-depth statistical analysis. Len i it were, eeryone worth a shit ,read: eeryone but
at people, who has been through business school has read all or part o or 1o ie !itb tati.tic..
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I youè not, it`s a book that clearly explicates the undamental problem with statistics, which is
that they can be manipulated by cleer statisticians to support nearly any political, sociologicial, or
otherwise theoretical aim. Irrespectie o the shallow nature o my statistical analysis, I`m certain
that were students o anthropology were to look deeply into the data, my supposition would like-
ly be borne out in great detail, but would then be blasted in the press and suppressed or being
mean.`
\hy would it be suppressed Because nonsense like the ollowing is more accepted than the truth:
It`s no secret that there`s a correlation between poerty and obesity. \e`re liing in the
supposedly richest nation in the world ,thanks to a glorious legacy o slaery and proper-
ty thet,, where the majority o the people are either poor, or hopelessly debt-riddled and
oertaxed middle class. 1he majority o Americans don`t hae enough money relatie to the
quality o lie we`re expect to maintain or our amilies, and at best rely on consumer debt
to surie, and at worst criminal actiities that may land us in jail. Many o us lie or work
in areas where we don`t hae access to aordable healthy ood. \e may not hae the time or
money or energy or desire to work out or cook healthy meals at home when they`re already
working 2 or more jobs to barely get by. Most o us don`t hae adequate healthcare. Most o
us don`t hae gyms in our oFce buildings ,my building een discourages us rom using the
stairs,, can`t aord or don`t hae access to a public gym, and may not lie in areas where it`s
sae to go jogging at night, or or our children to get exercise by playing outside. \e`re en-
couraged to sel-medicate our exhaustion and misery with booze, cigarettes, teleision, ideo
games, internet, and processed ood that is literally chemically engineered the hit the pleasure
centers o our brains like narcotic drugs, driing the urge to eat more ,a hence, buy more,.
1his narcotic ood is cheap, een cheaper i you go or the 64 oz. Big Gulp, the King Size
candy bar, the supersize ast ood alue meal.` \ou can buy this ood` almost anywhere,
and it`s a quick makes you eel good when you`re tired or cranky, at least temporarily. And it`s
no big surprise that this liestyle oten leads to obesity, diabetes, and other issues`,James,.
1o summarize: at people are at because rich, thin, blood-thirsty capitalists orce them to lie
beyond their means and internalize the belie that they can aord anything and eerything. 1hus,
haing oerspent on trinkets, there`s no money let or ood, so the oerworked and under-appre-
ciated proles are orced to eed their amilies processed oods because they`re too lazy to cook real
ood. 1hen, they`re not gien ree gym memberships or rides to the gym by the aorementioned
blood-thirsty capitalists, replete with top hats and monocles, and they must lie with their big-
screen 1Vs and smart phones in undesirable areas with people in the same situation yet are appar-
ently dangerous. linally, they`re orced to apply a chemical sale to their wounded, nabby psyches
with junk ood, nicotine, and alcohol to escape rom the reality in which they lie, and those medi-
cations are the only things that the rich proide them, as a soma or the Betas, Deltas, Lpsilons, and
Gammas o our cruel world.
Only the attest simpletons on Larth could possibly buy this ridiculous tripe. 1he at broad who
penned that ridiculously intellectually disingenuous bullshit has cast hersel as nothing more than
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an easily led herd animal manipulated into a liestyle she could hae easily aoided i she didn`t
suck, and then managed to paint her ellow cattle as dangerous miscreants and criminals. lad this
genius eer read Rbetoric, she might hae deeloped the ability to ormulate a cogent argument, but
that would again require she not be a lazy piece o shit. She`d also know, were she not so ucking
disgraceully slothul, that the correlation she mentioned between poerty and obesity only ei.t. iv
tbe ta.t aecaae of tbe 20tb cevtvr, ava tbe begivvivg of tbe 21.t cevtvr, ava ovt, iv tbe |vitea tate.. 1his, o
course, brings me back to my premise- our problem is that people are hideously, shockingly, and in-
excusably ucking stupid and lazy. 1he atty aboe blames eerything on capitalism and income in-
equality, but ails to take into account that the United States o the early 20th Century had nearly as
much income inequality, yet they were ar leaner. 1he immigrants coming across the ocean weren`t
whining about how at they were, simply because they were too busy working hard and making
their own ucking ood to get at, in spite o the act that they were hard-drinking, chain-smoking,
street Fghting motheruckers who likely neer once thought about their waistline because their
liestyles kept them rom getting at. Nor does this correlation exist outside o the United States,
because the correlation is nothing more than the root o a stupid ucking argument that`s the brain-
child o intellectually lazy socialists. 1he less intellectually lazy socialists at PBS had this to say to
their red-banded compatriots last year:
1here are an estimated 1.46 billion oerweight adults worldwide, and 502 million o them
are considered obese. \hile nearly all countries are seeing rates rise, the seerity o the prob-
lem aries greatly rom country to country, said the \lO.
In Japan, about one in eery 20 adult women is obese, compared to one in our in Jordan,
one in three in the United States and Mexico, and up to seen in 10 in 1onga.
In the United States, where health oFcials hae termed obesity an epidemic, more than 50
percent o the adult population could be obese by 2030 i current trends continue, a team
rom Columbia Uniersity and larard Uniersity wrote in a separate paper in the series`,-
Miller,.
In other words, eeryone`s seeing people getting atter, and it has little to do with poerty- in poor
countries, the rise in obesity is among the rich. \here`s the indignation on their behal, at bitch-
es On what day shall we weep or them- people who are likely getting rich o the literal blood
o their countrymen. It`s not like there are any motherucking Sudanese getting loot by expanding
their cosmetic lines to sere outlying populations in northern Uganda. People in truly poor coun-
tries will eat anything on which they can get their hands, and still, unsurprisingly, manage not to be
at.
Beore we continue, we might as well address that at broad`s contention about the ability to Fnd
aordable ood, which is utter ucking nonsense. 1hink I`m lying It`s possible, een in Lurope
where meat is hideously expensie, to eat a Paleolithic diet on the cheap. I personally managed to
eat ery well or about >30 bucks a day, and I was eating 2 kilos o chicken breast and a big bag o
mixed eggies daily in Vienna, the 24th most expensie city on Larth ,Bloomberg, |Lditor`s note:
1hough the author beliees >30 a day is liing on the cheap, I tend to disagree. loweer haing
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lied in Lurope as well and eaten or around > a day ,in Berlin, and remaining pretty Paleo, I also
hae to agree|. I`m not saying that paleo`s the only healthy manner o eating, but it`s indisputably
healthier than what most poor people in the US eat, and it`s generally considered to be hideously
expensie. 1he ormer-American-turned-Czech oer at the blog Pragve tecbita ran a day chal-
lenge with his readers, and the three winners showed it was possible to not only eat extremely
healthily, but also extremely well or between >25 and >85 a week per person- Brendon spends
>30-35 a week in South Korea. Jonathan spent >2.5 or a week, simply shopping at his local
supermarket, and Margaret spent >85.49, around the national aerage, or ery high quality ood
,grass-ed bee, etc,.`,Prague, 1hus, it`s not a matter o cost, but a matter o sloth, which the at
bitch reely admits- \e may not hae the time or money or energy or desire to work out or cook
healthy meals at home.` 1hus, it`s not a matter o accessibility or aordability, but rather o work
ethic. 1his is why the poor Americans in the early 20th Century looked like badasses and many o
the poor people o this century looks like the shitless, disgusting sacks o shit that they are. 1o
be air, howeer, the poor people o the 19
th
century could aord healthy ood because they didn`t
spend all o their cash on crack, guns, and iPhones.
Let`s get back to my awesome chart, though, since I went to the trouble o making it. On that
chart, we see a ery strong correlation between shit test scores in grade school ,which we can attri-
bute to a combination o shitty parenting and laziness,, low rates o college graduation, religion,
and poerty. Perhaps we should start broadcasting public serice announcements that science and
math are not the works o the Deil, and i you actually work hard in school you can get a job that
will allow you to shop at \hole loods i they wished. Certainly, I`m not going to blame Jesus or
this problem, as that motherucker had a badass six-pack, but the cattle who worship him around
the clock seem to loe Ring Dings and couches just as much as the Good Book and hate learning,
exercise, and egetables like they`re the Deil himsel.
So, what are we let with low about the act that people are so lazy that they consider it a ictory
to walk a marathon. 1hat they will put on exercise clothes to walk the dog, because that, to them,
constitutes exercise. 1hat`s not exercise- that`s LIlL. Liing your lie the way humanity was in-
tended to- moing the uck around. lat people are at because they`re lazy. 1hey don`t understand
it because they`re stupid. 1hey`re stupid because they`re as intellectually lazy as they are physically.
1hink I`m exaggerating 1hink again.
Only 5.0 o Americans reported doing any igorous-intensity actiity like running, while
at the other end o the scale, more than 95 said they had engaged in the highly sedentary
actiity o eating and drinking.
1he next most common actiity was another sedentary one - watching teleision or a mo-
ie, which 8 in 10 Americans did.
1he most requently reported moderate actiities were ood and drink preparation ,25.,,
ollowed by lawn, garden, and houseplant care ,10.6,,` the study said` ,Song,.
lood preparation, my riends, is not moderate exercise unless you`re a teppanyaki che at a Japa-
Page 21
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nese restaurant and you`re busy nipping knies and dodging Freballs like you`re in a lie action epi-
sode o Dragonball Z or hours on end. 1he problem, obiously, is that people are incredibly lazy,
and that`s why they`re at. lor whateer reason, the goernment decided to exacerbate this issue
by deeming housework as moderate actiity, which must be how the obese decided that preparing
the ood they jam down their gullets is exercise.,Rhone, By prepare, o course, I assume that they
mean drie to KlC, order KlC amous bowl, return home, eat disgusting gelatinous brown glop
in shame.`
Speaking o lazy, how about we address the laziest o all excuses that land whales bandy about as
the source o their bodyat- hypothyroidism. \heneer anyone blames glandular issues or their
thyroid, they`re claiming they suer rom hypothyroidism, which is an insuFciency o thyroid
hormone. lat people generally assign blame to this in addition to their genetics, which they seem
to think are part o the ast global conspiracy to consign them to a lie trapped in a at suit and
the ridicule and scorn that comes with it. Again, this is nothing short o laziness, because i they
were in any way motiated to come up with anything other than a hal-witted rationale or being a
disgusting atass, they`d know that only 4.6 o the population o the United States suers rom
hypothyroidism,Golden,. Again, weè got nothing more on our hands than a pack o at, stupid,
lazy people who can`t drie to Dunkin Donuts without smashing into other cars and parking on the
sidewalk while bellowing odes to Jesus at the top o their lungs and shrieking in horror at the sight
o a book.
It might surprise you to discoer that I hae no problem with people being at i that`s what they
want to be. I beliee that the male archetype is the larnese lercules and the emale archetype is
Venus, and Venusian Fgures are generally a bit chubby. I enjoy a at ass on a chick, a little belly,
and some big tits- that, to me, is what a emale Fgure is designed to look like. \hat I cannot abide,
howeer, is the intellectual disingenuity that begins with people whining about the alleged discrim-
ination under which they supposedly suer or a condition they themseles embraced and actiely
cultiated, only to turn and state that they`re ictims o a mysterious and nebulous third party. It`s
the same bullshit that resulted in 10 Mivvte .b. and the 1highmaster- sloth. I they loe eating and
ucking and want to lay around all day eating cheesecake, awesome, but keep your ucking mouth
shut about discrimination- they chose a liestyle that led to their current state.
1hus, I think there`s a compelling case to be made or the idea that a person`s at is his or her own
ault. \hether or not they choose to do something about it is one thing, but they certainly can
hae a coke and a smile and shut the uck up about it. 1hey made their sot, pillowy beds, and now
they can lie in them- a state o repose should be airly natural or them at this point, anyway.
\OUR lA1 IS UNLQUIVOCALL\ \OUR lAUL1 2:
igge.t o.er, .ctiri.t., ava ovavovtbea vtervet bitbira. à .a, vc/ v, vt !boà
!avt 1o.
O all o the horrible dreck oisted upon the American public by teleision production compa-
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nies, the worst o them is without question the paean to ailure called 1be igge.t o.er. No one, no
matter how disconnected rom society they are, can possibly be unaware o this circus sideshow
o obesity, gien its ubiquitousness around the world. I ound the act that it`s a worldwide phe-
nomenon to be rather surprising, gien that it`s accepted as a matter o course that Americans are
the sloppiest bunch o hamburger-guzzling, sloth-like gluttons on the planet, but our atness has
apparently spilled oer into other countries, like a wheezing at man`s gut oer and under the arm-
rest separating your chair rom his on the airplane. No ewer than 2 other countries and regions
hae aired this pathetic spectacle at some point, and America`s actually had two concurrent shows
at once- one in Lnglish and one in Spanish.
My problems with the show are hardly the aerage litany o criticisms, as I am hardly the aerage
man. Most people Fnd issue with the act that the poor` atties on the show suer while dehy-
drating themseles and subsisting on a staration diet to win a game show. \elcome to high school
wrestling, big wide world- they`re not doing shit high school and collegiate wrestlers do as a matter
o course. Shit, powerliters cut weight all the time, and there`s nothing but a medal at the end o
the meet, rather than the o.er.` hundreds o thousands o dollars.
"#$9 +$*)'( .#$ ;'/. .#'. .5) /)(.$-.'(.- 5$%$ #)-<,.'2,]$7 ';.$% ' Q *,2$ ;)). %'/$0
A one mile oot race 1hose at ucks should hae been shot on the side o the road, as the lag-
gards ,rightly, were in the Kurt Russell epic moie otaier. I you cannot make it a ucking mile on
oot and youè got two working legs, you should shune o your mortal coil- there is absolutely
no excuse on Larth to be in that kind o shape, and i you`re in it, ucking die already. \ou`re a dis-
grace een to a species that worships people like the Kardashians and who think that liing under a
ascist dictatorship is saety`.
"#$9 /2',* .#'. .#$ -#)5 -$.- 6(%$'2,-.,/ $^<$/.'.,)(- ;)% 5$,E#. 2)--0 \e`re talking
about a show wherein obese people go on hiatus rom their jobs and train with trainers and hae
meals prepared by ches and nutritionists while on a weight training acation. Did I mention they
get paid on that acation \ell, they do. 1hus, they eectiely hae sponsorship while taking that
weight training acation. low could that be anything but unrealistic \ho on Larth, other than
Marius Pudzianowski and Stan Lerding, can do that \hat could possibly be realistic about that
Moreoer, i you`re a at person using that show or inspiration, youè already ailed- there`s no pot
o gold sitting at the end o your at loss rainbow. 1here`s just a lot o loose skin and a gremlin
sitting on your shoulder screaming at you to eat Oreos.
"#$9 7$/%9 .#$ ;'/. .#'. *)-. ); .#$ /)(.$-.'(.- %$E',( .#$ 5$,E#. .#$9 2)-.0 \el-
come back to reality, people- that`s what ucking happens. Apparently, the concept o a bodyat set
point is as elusie to most people as it is that a distinct and driing predilection to make shitty ood
choices and be a lazy piece o shit is how those assholes got at in the Frst place. I they didn`t
care enough to do something about waistlines growing aster than the yeast inections between
their sweaty thighs, they`re certainly not going to do something about their weight ater they get
o the show, either. \e`re talking about people who need a >300k carrot and a stick wielded by
screaming trainers who chase them hither and yon or 12 hours a day and direct their eery moe-
without external motiation, those atties are completely ucking useless.
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Clearly, the world is missing the point entirely. I anything, the show the igge.t o.er exists because
it makes less at people eel better about themseles, and most o America is at as shit. It`s a isual
Xanax or atties thinking o ,rightly, blowing their brains out because theyè ailed to keep the
machine that is their body in top working order. \ou don`t see gearheads whining that the auto-
motie makeoers common on stations that typically eature hunting and Fshing are unrealistic`
because the people on those shows hae unlimited time and resources to repair and reFt hunks o
junk. 1hat`s because they know it`s antasy come to lie, just like taking a 500 lb pile o dogshit and
attempting to transorm them into a productie member o society. 1here`s a dierence, howeer-
the car played no part in its own destruction, whereas the atties` sel-destruction is pointed, willul,
and persistent.
Quite rankly, I hae no idea how I hae come across these things, but one blog has stood out as a
bulwark o nonsense amidst all o the moaning about the atties on the Biggest Loser- the ridicu-
lously titled Dances \ith lat`. 1his blog is the produce o a morbidly obese broad who champi-
ons the cause o size acceptance` and rails against at discrimination`, two concepts that are as
stupid as they are pointless. lat acceptance, or instance, iolates a deeply ingrained cultural re-
sponse to the obese that all o the whining in the world isn`t going to resole- the \estern \orld`s
distaste or obesity. 1here are three categories or social stigma, according to anthropologists and
psychologists- tribal stigma, abominations o the body, and blemishes o physical character. Oer
the last hal a century researchers hae determined that obese people all into the latter two cate-
gories, as they are considered undesirable and physically unattractie`, and because their obesity
is indicatie o sloth and other moral ailings in those around them ,Carr,. 1here is little eidence,
howeer, to suggest that these stigmas maniest in actual discriminatory action- people are too
scared o being perceied as discriminatory to act on their distaste or land whales ,Carr,. Instead,
Carr argues, it is the Jabbas` own sel-loathing projected onto other people that leads them to be-
liee that they are the ictims o discrimination. 1hey literally hate themseles so much that they
,rightly, think eeryone else should as well.
Size acceptance` is an equally pointless enterprise, as whining about how equal you are when all
empirical eidence shows otherwise, and because heath care costs are rising due to the act that
the sel-destructie liestyles o homosapiens hippopotamus. It`s one thing to hae to dodge their
ridiculous mechanical coneyances in \al-Mart because theyè gien up on walking and suer
behind them as they slowly trudge down an isle that they block completely with their bulk- it`s yet
another to hae to subsidize those things because they`re coered by Social Security and Medicare.
No one will accept a person`s willul attempts to inconenience those around them because they
lack the sel control in the baked goods isle necessary to keep themseles to a selte 299 lbs.
1hat said, the author o the website Davce. !itb at recently railed against the current, horriyingly
disgusting season o 1be igge.t o.er. lor those o you who ,blissully, do not hae that awul shit
playing on the teleisions in your gym nightly, this season has some o the whiniest at kids youè
eer seen making ailed attempts to isually resemble their peers. Not a moment goes by without
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complaint or tears, and 30 seconds into each episode you want to drag those at uckers to death
behind your car blasting Good Vibrations` rom the radio and chugging a protein shake. Neer
beore hae I been stronger in my resole that we should just round up obese children and send
them to the camps ,in rail cars Ft or cattle, as passenger cars would likely not withstand the strain
created by their bulk,, because i there`s anything worse than children, it`s whiny at children in
constant search o a Ring Ding while ostensibly well-intentioned people are trying to help them
achiee their goals. 1hat`s right, each o these at uckers has deliered a tearul missie describing
the horrors o being let out o kickball because they can`t run, or the shame o getting stuck on
the slide. 1he kids hae explicitly stated that they want to lose weight, yet they bitch the entire god-
damned time about the unairness o haing to diet and exercise. I don`t know about you guys, but
when I was a kid, I didn`t need to exercise`, because I was constantly playing. I ran eerywhere,
jumped o shit, rode my bike, and did the normal kid shit that keeps you rom becoming a at
piece o shit. I anything, the show is a waste o time because those lazy little uckers are incapa-
ble o enjoying physical actiity. Rather than chain them to a treadmill, it`d be easier to drie them
to the long-term lot at the airport in a stolen car, shoot them in the back o the head, and leae the
car there to be discoered months later. No one will miss hearing those ucking kids cry, and weè
saed ourseles the time and money o trying to resuscitate their at asses when they keel oer rom
a heart attack at age 30.
Dick 1alens, who apparently is someone people on Reddit care about, insists that it`s not a lack o
willpower that`s keeping that winter coat o at on the good people at your local buet, it`s that
theyè ailed to create a positie eedback loop or themseles that spurs them on to Ftness`,
something he apparently champions. lrankly, I could gie a uck about Ftness`- it`s a throwaway
blanket term to describe an ephemeral and subjectie state o being. In other words, making Ft-
ness` your goal is ucking retarded. In any eent, he argues that 1be igge.t o.er is a terrible role
model or the poor at people o the world because it suggests that they should work really hard to
achiee their goal, with the single-minded ocus o a young Jerey Dahmer torturing his neighbor`s
cat. leaen`s no! Not hard work! Anything but hard work! \hat 1alens ails to take into ac-
count when making his positie eedback loop is that the rewards must outweigh the costs or the
at slobs to become champions, and that`s oten not going to happen. Giing up Oreos or some
people is tantamount to the lrench loreign Legion throwing down their weapons the second they
entered the city limits o Camerone. \e`re talking about people whose entire existence is based
upon the instant gratiFcation they get rom shitty oods and sloth- they`re not going to be satisFed
with the incremental progression they might get i they can aoid too many dietary indiscretions
while doing something they hate ,i.e. exercising,.
1his, my riends, is because atness is not caused by genetics, or enironment, or bad parenting
,unless the kid is ery young,. It`s rom ailure. A at adult is a person whose lie history is written
on their body- theyè ailed. 1heyè ailed themseles, theyè ailed their sexual partners, theyè
ailed their children... uck, they een ail their pets, because those at motheruckers aren`t taking
their pooches on a needed 2 mile walk. 1hese are people who think KlC Bowl` is a legitimate
answer to the question what`s or dinner` 1hey`re the people who think a 40 inch waisted pair
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o jeans isn`t a horriying prospect and who haen`t seen their genitalia without the aid o a mirror
in years. 1hese, my riends, are unmitigated ailures, and no amount o positie eedback loops are
going to reerse the damage their ailure has wrought- they will push those ailures uphill or eter-
nity, giant sloppy, Sisyphean sacks o cellulite rather than boulders, up a hill paed with Oreos and
dried tears.
In summary, 1be igge.t o.er would only be acceptable entertainment i the contestants were con-
stantly mocked and tormented with their aorite oods, all while the commentators or Mo.t
treve Cbattevge and !ieovt cracked jokes at the contestants` collectie expense. Sadly, the show ails
to account or the inherent hilarity in at people running and jumping, and ocuses more on their
incessant weeping and complaints. Since a Venn Diagram displaying the body types o the peo-
ple eatured on the 1V show oaraer. and the people on 1be igge.t o.er would consist o a single
circle, it might just be easier to drie around to their houses, shoot all o the occupants, and burn
them to the ground. Lither way, at people should shut the uck up about their atness and suer
the miserable lies theyè chosen to lie in silence or ucking do something about their atness, also
silently, and not on teleision. As they likely will reuse to do so and claim they hae one o the
many genetic disorders they loe to insist are the problem, I`ll just hae to settle or mocking them
in public and haing a rage seizure eery time igge.t o.er airs in the gym.
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I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, esh, skin,
hair, but not a single, clear, identiable emotion, except for greed and
7,-E6-.0 F)*$.#,(E #)%%,+2$ ,- #'<<$(,(E ,(-,7$ ); *$ '(7 3 7)(B.
know why. My nightly bloodlust has overown into my days. I feel le:
thal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
PALLOLI1lIC DIL1ING: CAVLMLN lAD I1 RIGl1
at i/e a Motberfvc/ivg Carevav, ava Yov`tt oo/ i/e a Motberfvc/ivg Carevav
As I mentioned earlier, and is mentioned in a study published in the journal Covaratire iocbevi.tr,
ava Pb,.iotog, in 2003, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans deeloped muscularity similar
to today`s superior athletes ,Laton,. On one hand, that`s pretty awesome because eeryone back in
the day was ucking jacked, but on the other hand, it sucks that most o humanity has deoled to
the point where your aerage American looks like a shaed walrus and is as weak as a newborn kit-
ten. In any eent, the act that these bad motheruckers o yore probably looked a lot like turn o
the century strongman Maxick is due to a combination o diet and exercise that is rarely emulated
in the modern world.
1hough we could easily make a case or the degeneratie eects o poor breeding habits in the
\estern \orld since the adent o Christianity and the deelopment o modern medicine, both
o which keep people hideously unFt or lie both alie and procreating, I think much o the rea-
son behind their superhumanity is due to Paleolithic nutrition. In the early 20
th
Century, a rough-
and-tumble proessor who apparently grew bored enough with the ease o daily lie decided to
roll up to snowy Lskimoland with no gear and lie amongst the Lskimos while studying their cul-
ture. \hilst he lied amongst the people to which Canadians reer to as snow monkeys`, polar
gooks`, and ice beaners`, Vilhjalmar Steansson ate nothing but meat, and ound himsel to be
healthy as shit thereater. \hen he returned triumphant and ripped to New \ork City with tales o
his diet, eeryone called him insane. Steansson, then, decided to proe just how insane he was by
embarking on a year-long clinical trial o the diet to proe that it would not ruin his health. Unsur-
prisingly to anyone who`s eer tried the diet, doctors concluded in 1929 that his all meat, high-at
diet was the shit, and so was Steansson. Supergenius inentor o the geodesic dome, R. Buckmin-
ster luller, then decided there was some merit to the diet and expanded it to include some ruits
and eggies, but little else ,Audette,. Later, a dentist rom Ohio named \eston Price noticed that
his patients` teeth were becoming an eer-worsening shitstorm o caities and dental caries. le
started traeling all oer the world and studying the teeth and diets o indigenous cultures, disco-
ering that none o the problems he was seeing in Ohio were extant in cultures that abjured the con-
sumption o reFned grains or otherwise processed oods. le then proceeded to write a book on
his Fndings entitled ^vtritiov ava Pb,.icat Degeveratiov, earning him the undying hatred o the Amer-
ican Dental Association, due to the act that his Fndings would obiate most o the necessity o
dentistry. As a result, the diet sat dormant or years, until the mainstream medical journals picked
Page 2
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it up in the 1980s and ran articles about ancestral diets`, spurring the deelopment o the Feld o
eolutionary medicine.
lor those o you unamiliar with the term eolutionary medicine, proponents o it contend that
mankind deeloped primary adaptations to their meat-Flled diets during the Paleolithic period,
during which time hunter-gatherers who ran around in loincloths, killing shit and eating it. Second-
ary adaptations occurred later, and were localized based on the aailable oodstus. lor instance,
people in the Subarctic and Central Asia eoled to eat ery high at and protein diets that contain
little or no egetable matter while others like the Indians o Central America and arious peoples
in Central Asia, adapted to higher carbohydrate, lower protein, and lower at diets. Obiously, this
all occurred ater the Neolithic reolution, but as arious oodstus were adopted as local aor-
ites, wide ariations deeloped een within speciFc ethnicities, which as a whole deeloped similar
eating patterns. Perhaps the most glaring examples o this phenomenon would be the ancestral
Russian diet ersus that o the Mediterranean, and the ancestral diets o the Masai, which are
mainly animal products, and the Bantu, who are wholly egetarian ,\harton, 281,. Irrespectie o
where they were, Paleolithic people ate, on aerage, hal the at we currently eat, but three times the
amount o protein in the modern diet. 1he ats they did eat were by and large polyunsaturated, but
their cholesterol was much higher than ours ,which lent itsel to higher test leels, I`m sure,. Addi-
tionally, they ate ery little in the way o reFned carbs, a quarter o the sodium in the modern diet
,and much more potassium,, two times as much calcium, tons o micronutrients, and 130-150 g o
Fber a day. 1hat`s a uckload o Fber, in case you`re wondering ,Ungar, 82, 86,. As a result, cases
o metabolic disease amongst Paleolithic people were rare, and Fndings o them are oten steeped
in controersy ,Laton, 6,.
\hat was their diet Meat and eggies, mostly. 1heir macronutrient proFle essentially breaks down
to 42 protein, 26 at, and 32 carbs, eating roughly 3000kcals a day ,Ungar, 9,. Modern hunt-
er-gatherers hae aried diets due to geographic limitations and the general aailability o arious
types o ood, but it generally comes down to 30-40 protein no matter where they lie, sae or a
couple o egan tribes in Arica, who manage to eke out an existence in a place that barely een has
dirt, much less any ood worth digging out o the ground. ,Laton, 33, 1he result, howeer, is that
modern hunter-gatherers are strong little uckers, ripped to pieces, and can outperorm \estern
athletes in their indigenous athletic eents.
"$( O)**'(7*$(.- ); >'2$) H,$.,(E ,as described by Ray Audette,
H) I'.
meats and Fsh ruits eggies nuts and seeds berries
H)(B. I'.
grains beans potatoes dairy sugar
lairly simple in theory, and not as diFcult as you`d think in practice, Paleolithic dieting is inari-
ably eectie. 1aking a page rom \eston Price`s Fndings and eolutionary biology, Iè combined
that with metabolic typing and carb cycling to spur greater gains in the gym, and the basis o my
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
diet is undeniably Paleolithic. I hae, howeer, a couple o caeats to traditional Paleolithic dieting
as described by Ray Audette. One, this diet is a pain in the ass, as you can`t eat sandwiches. As
such, I Fnd mysel eating a shitload o Italian chicken and turkey sausage, sliced relatiely thin,
which I tote to work with me in 1upperware. It transports easily and tastes good, but it gets old
ater awhile, just as turkey meatballs lose their luster ater a month o eating nothing but. Neither
o these is strictly Paleo, as theyè been processed and generally contain something in the way o
nitrates or nitrites to preent spoilage. Audette also cautions against cheating, as he states that cer-
tain oods hae a drug-like eect` that may cause withdrawal symptoms. I personally think this is
horseshit, and I religiously adhere to a program o one three to our hour cheat windows on 1ues-
day and lriday nights. Lastly, both Audette and Cordain counsel against eating tubers, which is odd,
as Cordain stated in the rotvtiov of tbe vvav Diet that cooking arose at the same time that tubers
came to prominence in the human diet. Modern hunter-gatherers eat a shitload o tubers, as did
our ancestors, though rom what Iè ound the tubers o yore were much more Fbrous than those
o today. As such, it`s tough to draw a comparison between the old and the new. Neertheless, I
see nothing wrong with a post-workout yam, or one in the morning on a high-carb day, and hae
used dried yams as a snack periodically throughout my adult lie as an awesome snack when I`m not
watching my carb intake too careully.
I you`re still unclear on what, exactly, Paleo dieting is, I`ll put it as simply as possible: back in the
day, motheruckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating
eery last morsel. \ith the adent o cooking, consumption o all oods became easier, as it re-
duced the amount o mastication necessary to swallow and digest the ood. Still, humans only ate
what they could Fnd, which essentially amounted to meat, nuts, seeds, and eggies, with the occa-
sional handul o berries thrown in or good measure. Lach locality had its own distinctie selec-
tion o nora and auna, but they all essentially consisted o the same basic ood groups.
In a turn o eents likely due to the adent o large settlements and cities in Mesopotamia and
1urkey, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload o grasses, and planting
them, which eentually resulted in modern rice and grains. 1his was apparently a necessity, as ani-
mal husbandry alone could not support the populations increasingly crammed into small, wall-o
spaces. \hen that occurred, people shrunk in stature, deeloped metabolic diseases that were at
that time unknown, and generally ucked themseles right in the ass. 1hough most people know
o the adage those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it`, no one in our goernment has
taken a close enough look at the history o humanity to recognize the act that the consumption
o grains and abandonment o a meat-heay diet produces rail, sickly dwares. 1hose o us with
unctioning brains, howeer, can use this as an object lesson and determine what not to eat, and
why. lere`s the list:
F)9: lor the loe o all that`s holy, aoid this shit like the plague i you`re a non-Asian man.
Asians might hae adapted to eating that crap, but it`s sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural or
any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study rom Dr. Mike litzpatrick o New Zealand as-
sociates soy consumption with biological changes in the unction o sex glands, thyroid, and central
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
nerous system with soy isonaones. Additionally, soy contains high concentrations o phytic acid,
which blocks the uptake o calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper leels out
o whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid unction. lormula with soy in it deliers more estro-
gen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! lor the loe o your
test leels, aoid that shit.,Laton, 9-81,
@$'(- ,( E$($%'2: Many beans are extremely toxic i consumed raw ,like soybeans and
lima beans,, while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them rom animals
,lima beans contain high leels o cyanide,, and aa beans contain 3 dierent toxins that cause a-
ism in some people ,een i cooked,. ,\harton, 56, Len grean beans contain prussic acid, which
is toxic in high leels. 1hus, beans are bad, mmmmkay Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way,
and cashews grow rom a plant related to poison iy, so they can be atally toxic raw ,it`s one o the
most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center,.
"6+$%-: Like I earlier, it`s well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate
tubers. 1his might account or the act that the arious paleo authors disagree on which tubers are
ok to eat. 1urnips are ok`d by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me. 1urnips are
hardly high in carbs, but Audette orbids them, yet allows beets, which are basically a giant block o
sugar.
O)%(: Corn`s o limits due to the high concentration o anatoxins in them ,also in grains
and peanuts,. Anatoxins are produced by Asparilla Rust, and are linked to lier, pancreatic, and
esophageal cancer. 1hey are thus bad. ,\harton, 55,
_%',(-: \heat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds o grasses require milling and
long cooking to be made edible. \hen ground, raw grain and water make paper mach, and causes
seere digestie distress in all primates. As such, it`s wise to aoid them. ,\harton, 54,
Should this be something by which you badger those around you and on which you should base
your entire existence Likely not- dietary zealots are perhaps the most annoying people in a world
oernowing with annoying motheruckers in need o stabbing. It is, howeer, a good guideline or
separating good` rom bad` oods, and gies an easy ramework or any diet.
RLAD A lUCKING BOOK, ALRLAD\: 1be Pateo otvtiov by Robb \ol
lew acets o our daily lies are dominated so wholly by trends than dieting and nutrition. Diets
seemingly go through rapid shits in popularity throughout the years, and without question one
o the biggest trends in nutrition today is the paleolithic,ancestral,caeman diet. Iè blogged at
some length about the history o the paleo diet and its apparent eFcacy, utilizing a ariety o texts
on the subject, all o which seemed to be at odds with one another. 1hough all o them proid-
ed some manner o anecdotal eidence to support their claims, and in some cases described the
deleterious eects o certain modern oods on the body in some detail, none o them oered the
comprehensie, heaily cited, and engaging and well written-but-denser-than-a-ucking-black hole
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Paleo Solution by Robb \ol. 1hus, I present to you what I consider to be the seminal work on
paleolithic dieting.
Short Synopsis
>%)-A
heaily cites archaeology, nutritional texts, and anecdotal eidence.
he explains that paleolithic man was healthier because o his liestyle, not just due to ood
choices.
explicitly states that this should not become some sort o idiotic lie-deFning, quasi-reli-
gious excuse or people to whine like bitches and proselytize about their ood choices.
his writing style is both intelligent and conersational, making it ar easier to read than most
nutritional texts, while proiding ample support or his suppositions.
he adapts the paleolithic liestyle to that o modern man- i.e. he takes into account people
are going to party and their jobs consist o sitting around all day doing nothing, and explains how
to work a paleo liestyle into that.
O)(-A
the workout section`s more or less worthless- it`s designed or your aerage coach-potato
shitbag, not people who hae a ested interest in being awesome.
he ails to get into the wildly impressie physical eats o paleolithic man, outside o a
short bit lited pretty much directly rom Mavtbrootog,.
"#$ D)#( J)2*$- `,0$0 \)(ER "%$'.*$(.
Gien that I could Fnd ault with nearly anything anyone but 1eddy Rooseelt has done, that`s a
pretty short list o cons. I loed this book and ate it up. As such, I`ll gie you guys some o the
highlights rom the book, and then you can read it or yoursel:
le started out as a competitie athlete, then became a egan because he ,like I, which I
thoroughly enjoyed, loed ucking dirty hippies. 1hough I`d neer take it to that extreme, I appre-
ciated the act that he go so into eganism that he was seeking semi-spiritual adice rom egetarian
gurus at one point. 1hat story`s actually pretty amusing.
Ater he stared death right in the ucking eye due to his idiotic oray into herbaorism, he
spat in the Grim Reaper`s ace, got a degree in nutrition, and took a steaming shit on conentional
nutritional wisdom, as any intelligent, ree-thinking person should do as a matter o course.
le explains in great detail, the reasons why grains are particularly bad or you, but gies
interesting and scientiFc reasoning or why rice and corn are ok to eat on occasion, which is some-
thing no other paleo writer has done. 1o sum up his stance against grains, all grains contain lectins
and protease inhibitors, which means that giant protein molecules end up punching holes through
your intestinal walls and contribute to a wide array o literally shitty GI problems ater you eat
them.
le describes in great detail the metabolism o carbohydrates and explains how its the
combination o sugars and ats that leads to arteriosclerosis. Additionally, he scientiFcally ascribes
irtually eery medical problem plaguing modern humans on excessie carbohydrate consumption.
Lxcessie carbs orce your body to nood itsel with insulin, and hyperinsulinism is a actor in or
Page 31
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
the root o most prealent diseases, including cancer. It contributes to cancer by blocking the natu-
ral process by which your body regulates growth o abnormal cells, by the way.
1hough he glosses oer the deleterious eects o legumes and dairy ,presumably to pre-
ent losing his readers by proiding too much inormation, he gies some citations that oer an-
swers to why those oods are also o the table, pun ucking intended.
le explains the negatie eects o modern liing on our cortisol leels, which contributes
to a ariety o metabolic problems. le pointed out a couple o stressors that wouldn`t immediately
pop into one`s head, like haing a healthy and rich social lie. le also gies a decent, Paul Chek-es-
que explanation or how and why sleep is so important, which I ound enlightening.
le gies the recipe or the inamous NorCal margarita, and explains why all o the includ-
ed ingredients are there. Curious
"#$ 3(;'*)6- W)%O'2 ='%E'%,.'
S -#).- ); E)27 .$[6,2'
D6,/$ ); Q 2,*$ `.#$ 5#)2$ 7'*( .#,(ER
F<2'-# ); -)7' 5'.$%
1here is some chemistry behind the recommendations. 1he lime juice blunts insulin
release and the CO2 bubbles in the soda water act as what`s called a nonpolar solent.`
1his actually lextracts the alcohol rom the drink and deliers it to your system aster.
Better liing through chemistry!` ,139,
le goes on to mention that alcohol isn`t paleo, but au contraire, my riends- being the nerd I am,
I hae eidence that disproes this: studies o the Bertram palm show that it contains alcohol
concentrations in the nectar , and ound that nectar inside the bud contained up to 3.8 alcohol
,roughly equialent to beer,`,lodge,. linally, \ol rounds out the book with a treatment on pro-
tein choices and a list o decent recipes.
1hink what you will about paleo dieting, but the shit seems to work, and \ol `s arguments sup-
porting it are deFnitely compelling. I you`re at all interested in this type o diet, and youè no
plans to purchase this book, youè ailed at lie. Get this book and caeman it the uck up.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
!=9 7$<$%-)('2,]'.,)( 5'- -) ,(.$(-$8 #'7 E)($ -) 7$$<8 .#'. .#$ ()%:
*'2 '+,2,.9 .) ;$$2 /)*<'--,)( #'7 +$$( $%'7,/'.$78 .#$ 4,/.,* ); '
-2)58 <6%<)-$;62 $%'-6%$0 3 5'- -,*<29 ,*,.'.,(E %$'2,.98 ' %)6E# %$-$*:
+2'(/$ ); ' #6*'( +$,(E8 5,.# )(29 ' 7,* /)%($% ); *9 *,(7 ;6(/:
tioning. Something horrible was happening and yet I couldn't gure
out why - I couldn't put my nger on it.
KL1OGLNIC DIL1ING
1be .rt of Ketogevic Dietivg, Part 1
1hough the subject has been coered a million times by a million authors, no one resource seems
to make aailable all o the inormation necessary to make an inormed opinion about ketogenic
dieting. As such, I elt that it was high time to break it down or you people in simple chapter and
erse. I personally like ketogenic diets or a ariety o reasons, but I don`t consider them to be the
end-all, be-all or eeryone on the planet. I intend to Fnally make some lengthy posts about the al-
ue o metabolic typing in the coming week, so beore you go o all hal-cocked, wait or the entire
story. Bear in mind that eeryone`s biochemistry is remarkably dierent, and as such, you can`t sim-
ply look at some random motherucker who`s physique you appreciate and think that his training
and diet regime are going to work or you as they did or him. Random insane shit like Intermittent
lasting ,Leangains,, apparently works or some people, as does the \arrior Diet. I`ll reiew both
o those diets at some point, i there`s any interest, but or not I`ll just hold them alot as examples
o shit that works or some people, but is CLR1AINL\ not ideal or all people. Likewise, Chaos
and Pain is a training style that will suit some people incredibly well, and be abhorrent to others.
C#'. .#$ M6/? ,- ' P$.)E$(,/ H,$.a
A ketogenic diet is a diet wherein you consume ew or no carbohydrates, so that your body begins
utilizing ketones ,the byproducts o atty acid metabolism when carbs are not present,, or energy.
1his typically occurs when your blood glucose leels are at or below 50 mg,dl. 1hat`s 50 milligrams
o glucose per deciliter o blood, or you uckwits out there. In a ketogenic state ,when there are
more ketones than glucose in the blood,, ketones are the primary uel source. Low leels o blood
glucose result in increased glucagon secretion, which causes catabolism o lier glycogen and can
stimulate glucogenesis ,the manuacture o glucose rom not-glucose substances,. Glucagon`s pur-
pose is to stimulate the secretion o at and lier glycogen breakdown, which aims to raise blood
glucose concentration by increasing the release o glucose rom the lier ,Protman, 22,.
"#$%$B- W).#,(E W$5 N(7$% .#$ F6(
Numerous cultures since time immemorial hae ollowed low-or no-carbohydrate diets. Central
Asian horse nomads, or instance, hae typically subsisted on a diet o meat, mare`s milk, and an-
imal blood since beore recorded history. Likewise, the Inuit hae subsisted and thried on a diet
consisting solely o animal nesh and organs or the duration o their existence. Both o those peo-
Page 33
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
ples did so simply as a matter o exigency- there was little or no edible oliage or them to cultiate
or gather and eat. Instead, they subsisted and thried on diets consisting o nothing but animal
products, eating eerything in an animal rom the marrow to the intestines, and eery ucking thing
in between. Sound gross \eah, well, that`s what you do when there`s no Publix |Lditor`s note: i
you`re not in the South, replace Publix with Acme or Albertsons| within 500 miles. I you think
your ancestors were reticent to adopt this sort o diet, think again- paleolithic people in Lngland
12,000 years ago had a diet nearly identical to woles and bears- nearly 100 carniorous ,Rich-
ards,.
Just as we lost knowledge o central heating, we orgot that meat-eating lends itsel to high leels
o awesome. Luckily, this diet was reintroduced to the west by the pioneer and general godsend
\illiam Banting, who published his Letter on Corpulence` in 1863. Banting adocated a diet that
had been recommended or epileptics or centuries, which consisted o our meals a day o noth-
ing but meat, eggies, and dry wine. lis diet was wildly popular throughout the 19th century, and
was considered so reolutionary that his name actually became an adjectie or a while. Banting`s
work was expounded upon by James lenry Salisbury, M.D., the inentor o the Salisbury Steak,
and a proponent o a diet consisting o two parts meat, one part eggies. lis eponymous ood,
which consisted o ground bee naored with onion and seasoning and then deep-ried or boiled,
to aid in his at loss ater reading Banting`s work and recommended it be eaten three times a day.
Later, Vilhjalmur Steansson adocated the diet o the Lskimos, which as I stated earlier consists
o nothing but meat. Building upon that diet was Richard Buckminster Bucky` luller, who was
most well known or his inention o the geodesic dome. luller applied his energy theories to diet
as well and spent the remainder o his years ollowing and espousing a meat-and-eggies style keto-
genic,paleolithic diet. Robert Atkins later adopted this diet and popularized it in American culture
the way Banting had in Lngland, giing rise to the eer-popular yet perennially ucked-up Atkins
diet. \eè all seen those at ucks eating ten lbs o burgers at McDonald`s who claim they`re on
Atkins, yet remain at as uck and repulsie to the point that we question their humanity. Don`t- i
they`re that at, they`re no longer human, and should be treated as such. leel ree to eed them arse-
nic- theyè already demonstrated that they`ll eating anything you put within their reach.
P$.) H,$.,(E ;)% "#)-$ C#) 1%$ F.,22 O)(;6-$7
1here`s a bit o debate on what, exactly, constitutes a ketogenic diet. Dan Duchaine, considered by
some to be the most notorious expert in bodybuilding`, belieed that a true ketogenic diet con-
sisted o NO carbs, 30-35 protein, and 0-5 at. le belieed that the slightest introduction
o carbs could throw you out o ketosis, which would lead to doom and gloom, at and nabbiness.
\hile I respect his Spartan approach to dieting, in the modern world it is both unrealistic and un-
reasonable. According to \illiam \illey, author o etter 1bav teroia., you can get away with up to
5 o your diet rom carbs beore you exit ketosis. Neertheless, the name o the game is to eat as
ew carbs as humanly possible. I Fnd that 30 grams per day is a good benchmark, as sticking to 30g
or ewer carbs a day will all but assure that you`re hitting ketosis.
\hether you choose to go with 0 or 30 grams o carbs, oa, Ov., the brainchild o Dan Duchaine,
Page 34
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
and the Keto run espoused by \arren \illey, consist o a roughly day low-to-no carb period, in
which your diet consists o 25-30 protein and 30-35 protein, or Duchaine and \illey respec-
tiely. 1o enhance the eectieness o such a diet, or any diet, a -14 day period o uninterrupted
ketogenic dieting might be necessary ,Laale, 51,. Once you`re in ketosis, the diet works through
metabolic trickery`, as Duchaine put it. By staring your body o carbs, insulin secretion is re-
duced, and that causes your pancreas to produce glucagon, which supplies energy to the brain and
conerts atty acids into ketones ,Duchaine, 253,. 1hose ketones then supply your body with the
energy you need to get through your day
"#$ 3/,(E )( .#$ M6/?,(E O'?$
It`s not hard on your kidneys, or one. \our amily, your riends, and your coworkers will warn you
o the alleged dangers o this diet. 1he basis or their warnings is jealousy- they know they lack the
intestinal ortitude or such an extreme dietary methodology. 1hey suck. Ignore them- science is on
your side. Doctors will lambaste ketogenic diets or causing myriad deleterious eects, but I`ll cau-
tion you not to listen to them- Frst, look at the motherucker. Chances are, your doctor would be
ahead o the game i he looked as good as the comic book nerd on the Simpsons. Asking an MD
about diet is like asking your dog about astrophysics- you`re not getting a single useul thing out o
the motherucker. Doctors will decry keto diets or making the blood acidic, i they`re een amil-
iar with blood pl, or they`ll claim they`re hard on the kidneys. Ketosis is only hard on the kidneys
or sedentary people, as the ketones only make the blood acidic while they`re waiting to be burned
,Duchaine, 254,. As or the kidney statement, that`s patently absurd. On its ace, it denies the theo-
ry o ontogenics, on which the majority o the theory o eolution is based.
\ou might be wondering, at this point, how any o this shit pertains to you. Diet, ater all, is just
about eating the right shit, and eery bodybuilding magazine on the planet spouts the same shit
eery ucking month, none o which includes massie bloody steaks dripping with grease- it`s all
steamed chicken and broccoli and yams and blahdiucking blah blah blah. 1here are two dierent
approaches to diet, howeer. 1here`s the thermodynamic approach, which is what bodybuilders and
other assorted idiots use, which treats the body like a machine that rolled o a mass-production
line, and balances input and output to arrie at a generalized perect` dietary plan. \ho here is a
cybernetic organism sent back in time to kill John Connor
Anybody
Lxactly. \ou`re not a machine. I guarantee you, your basal metabolic rate is NO1 what the myriad
online calculators tell you it is, and that your metabolic equialent o task calculation or a gien
actiity is wildly dierent than your next door neighbor`s. Using those ucking calculators is ucking
ridiculous. Do you honestly think that a 250 lb., hard charging, muscular motherucker is burning
the same number o calories as some elephantine broad who just heaed her at ass out o her Lark
scooter long enough to do the same actiity as the aorementioned beast I you do, you should
probably head to the store and buy a risbee with which to commit Seppuku, because you need to
stop breathing, stat.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
1his brings us to the second type o nutritional approach- chaotic. 1he chaotic theory addresses
the complexity o the human organism, and the wild diersity that exists in indiidual human biolo-
gy. 1his is the theory, obiously, to which I ascribe, and the one I think any rational thinking person
would adopt. It is because I ascribe to this theory that I depart rom Duchaine`s caloric restrictions.
Caloric restriction is an integral part o oa, Ov., and he recommends that you set your calorie
leels beore you een embark upon a regime o carbohydrate restriction and elimination. Gien
that one`s metabolism is changed so drastically during ketogenic dieting, I consider his methodolo-
gy to be about as logically sound as the logic you`d Fnd in any conersation inoling a woman- it`s
ucking bullshit. Studies hae shown that low carb diets, calorie restricted or not, cause at loss, and
increase postprandial ,post-meal. \ou learned a new word, uckers!, thermogenesis by two times
,\illey, 81, Cordain, 1,. Additionally, the more protein you consume, the hotter your metabolism
burns, as protein has 3x the thermic eect o carbohydrates or at ,Croetti,, and high protein diets
hae been shown to increase the metabolic cost o digestion by about 30 when compared with
high at diets.
But what about all o the silly motheruckers who claim we`re eating too much protein already
Generally, theyè already demonstrated that they are dumb enough to be stripped o their right to
an opinion by stating that the human body can only process 30-40g o protein at a time, a state-
ment or which there is absolutely no clinical eidence, and a preponderance o anecdotal eidence
,and just plain old ucking common sense, to the contrary. Beyond that, they`ll claim that too much
protein is hard on your kidneys, which is patently untrue, gien that there are multiple studies show-
ing that kidneys easily adapt to high protein diets and unction perectly at the end o clinical trials
o high protein diets ,Sko,, and that kidney unction IMPROVLS with increased protein con-
sumption ,Lades 138,. 1his is called ontogenesis- your body has the ability, and really a biological
imperatie, to adapt to its enironment and nourish within it. 1hus, your body will adapt to accom-
modate both increased workload and increased protein consumption, and will perorm better than
you had eer dreamed it would simply by orce o will, which extends een to the cellular leel.
\hat`s that mean to you 1o get the absolute highest metabolic rate, your diet should be high
protein and low-to-no carb. But the question is, what`s chaotic about that Nothing. Sounds a lot
like eating nothing but paleo all day long, which is hardly chaotic. \ell, Iè got another trick up
my sleee. Studies hae shown that oereating ater undereating leads to greater thermogenesis, an
acceleration o anabolic processes, and a replenishment o glycogen reseres and intramuscular
triglycerides ,Audette, 46,. lor the slow ones, that means it speeds your metabolism and Flls replen-
ishes your intra-muscular energy, so that your next Viking raid will go swimmingly. Additionally, a
2003 study at Johns lopkins showed that intermittent asting ,a day o asting ollowed by a day o
oereating 2x the amount o daily calories, led to an increased lie span, reersal o diabetes, and
increased resistance to brain damage ,Audette, 4,.
Beore you people jump to conclusions, I`ll become an intermittent aster when the apocalypse
comes and ood becomes scare. Until then, I`ll let that remain the puriew o Swedish people with
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a etish or staring themseles. It does, howeer, lend credence to the idea that cycling your calo-
ries might be a good idea. So, where does this lead us
keep your protein insanely high at all times
rotate your caloric leels
keto runs are your riend
1hat, my riends, ends up being some chaotic shit. It`s also the basis or the Chaos and Pain style o
dieting.
KL1O DIL1S:
!b, 1be, !or/, or 1o Ma/e 1bev !or/ or Yov, !b, 1ivce Cirovaa Maae a ovg .bovt
1bev...
b,(/$ _,%)(7' -'9-A
!M6/? 9)68 O'%+)-0 c)6 /'( -6/? *9 7,/?0 c)6 /'(B. E$. *$8 O'%+)-8 +$/'6-$ 9)6B%$ d6-.
God's farts.
In the inormation age, more than eer, it seems extremely common or trends in what passes or
rational and intelligent thought and discourse to emerge wherein a particular opinion is held alot
as unassailable truth. lor whateer reason, one o the most insidious and perasie o these opin-
ions in nutritional circles seems to be one that presents ketogenic diets as catabolic and useless or
strength athletes. Simply put or the new jacks in the audience, this means they beliee that keto-
genic diets will cause you to lose muscle mass aster than an AIDS patient in a Somali slum. 1his,
howeer, is simply not the casein act, the polar opposite is true. In act, catabolism is blunted as
the body metabolizes ketones or energy during a ketogenic diet.
I realize it`s a popular notion that I`m some sort o genetic reak who thries on a diet that would
kill a lesser man. 1rue, I am awesome, and true, most o the shit I do on a daily basis would kill
lesser men, but I`m hardly a genetic anomaly in regards to the ketogenic diet. A study conducted
at the Uniersity o Connecticut in the early part o the last decade showed that thyroid unction
was greatly increased in a six week ketogenic dieting period, and that signiFcant at loss and muscle
gain occurred- all o the participants had extraordinarily positie recomposition in a short period
o time, and they accomplished this in spite o being atties and saddies. I atties and saddies can
lose an aerage o lbs o body at and gain 2 lbs o muscle in a six week period, I`d think that the
aerage techno-death metal-Viking looligan would thrie on it. Dae Palumbo certainly did- at his
best, he squatted 800 or our and deadlited 600 or 8, which is pretty ucking impressie or a guy
training or size and deFnition rather than strength.
lor those o you unamiliar with the myriad beneFts o ketogenic dieting, allow me to educate you
while I torture metaphors like they`re Chechen teenagers in the greater Boston metropolitan area:
?$.)-,- ,- <%).$,( -<'%,(E8 which means your body will not metabolize protein or uel
at any point in your day, proided you`re eating enough at. \our body will actually learn to loe
burning ketones or energy more than the Japanese loe tentacle rape and your protein synthesis
will dramatically increase ,Nair, larber, Kadowaki,.
Page 3
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
3_M:Q 2$4$2- 5,22 %',-$ like a true Belieber`s current interest in shitty tattoos and girlish
haircuts due to your body`s low leels o insulin, which in turn will lead to greater hypertrophy
,larber,.
?$.)-,- '22)5- 9)6% +)79 .) 6.,2,]$ -.)%$7 +)79;'. or energy because o the aoremen-
tioned low insulin leels, and insulin blocks stored at utilization like a at girl cockblocking at a bar.
?$.)-,- -6<<%$--$- 9)6% +)79B- %$2$'-$ ); E#%$2,(8 which means you will be less hun-
gry on a ketogenic diet than you`d otherwise be. 1his is particularly useul or the aorementioned
saddies and atties, who oten hae Charley Sheen-esque impulse-control issues when it comes to
stuFng their aces ,lalton,.
?$.)-,- *'9 *'?$ 9)6 -*'%.$%: ketones seem to be a more eFcient uel or the brain
than glucose ,Amerman, but or a ridiculously complex explanation, go here and skip to the para-
graph beginning with \e will use Alzheimers`,.
%$/)4$%9 5,22 )//6% [6,/?29 and wounds will heal like youè got a hirsute, irascible, pock-
et-sized Uncle Logan ,Nishira,.
?$.)-,- .6%(- 9)6% +)79 +$/)*$- ' ;6%('/$ that would be the eny o eery man named
Goering in 1940s Germany, as you burn at simply by breathing and pissing ,Perez-Guisado,.
or those o you amusingly concerned with the eects o dietary salt in your diet ,and
there appear to a be lot o you people liing in 1982 in that way,, #,E# <%).$,( 7,$.- -$$* .)
/)6(.$%'/. .#$ ($E'.,4$ $;;$/.- ); #,E# -)7,6* ,(.'?$- and lowers blood pressure ,Debry,. As
ketogenic diets are almost necessarily high protein, you`re sae rom an exploding heart on the keto-
genic diet as well.
Sounds pretty ucking awesome, doesn`t it Quite rankly, it is- Iè been on a cyclical ketogenic
diet or going on three years and hae gotten continually stronger and leaner. I`m not the only one
who thinks this diet is the tits, either- one paper rom the Uniersity o Cordoba ,Spain, stated that
these diets are also healthier because they promote a non-atherogenic lipid proFle, lower blood
pressure and decrease resistance to insulin with an improement in blood leels o glucose and
insulin` and that such diets also hae neurological and antineoplastic beneFts and diet-induced
ketosis is not associated with metabolic acidosis, nor do such diets alter kidney, lier or heart unc-
tions`,Perez-Guisado,.
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Keto doesn`t appear to be hurting my gainz- weighing in at 195, carb depleted.
1hat`s all well and good or the aerage saddie, you might be thinking, but it`s got uck-all to do
with athletes and strength athletes in particular. 1here`s a reason or that- there hae been almost
no studies on the eects o ketogenic dieting on resistance training. I was able to hunt down a sin-
gle study on the subject, but it`s not particularly releant to the issue at hand, as it studied the eect
o resistance training on obese, middle-aged women on the ketogenic diet. \e`re about as dissim-
ilar to that sample group as toasters are rom 1ransormers, so there`s no point een deling into
that one. Neertheless, anecdotal eidence shows that ketogenic diets, in their myriad orms, hae
worked pretty ucking well oer the last ew decllenium or hominids.
As I beliee Iè not eer done so, it seems useul to outline or you guys exactly what ketogenic
dieting is, and what orms it can take. A ketogenic diet is a diet in which a person consumes so
ew carbohydrates that their body beings breaking at down into atty acids and ketones or use as
energy. Keto diets come in three naors, standard, targeted, and cyclical. 1hey work like this:
"#$ %"&'()'*) #+&,-+(./ $.+&0 - 1his is the diet o which most people traditionally think
when they hear the words keto diet`. Deeloped in the \est by an undertaker named Banting in
the 19th Century, it was resurrected as the Atkins diet in the US in the 20th Century. Amusingly,
the peoples o the Arctic Circle hae been eating this way oreer and haen`t known they were di-
eting at all. In any eent, on a traditional ketogenic diet you simply keep your carbs at a certain low
leel indeFnitely.
OPH Ò9/2,/'2 P$.)E$(,/ H,$.R - Cyclical keto diets are my personal aorite, and that`s
what my Apex Predator Diet is. On a cyclical keto diet you rotate between ultra low carb and high
carb days and in a less common asion, rotate between low and high carb periods eery day.
"PH `"'%E$.$7 P$.)E$(,/ H,$.R - 1argeted keto diets are diets in which one eats ex-
tremely low carb and then consumes carbs at ery speciFc times o the day. I wrote a bit about
these types o diets in my Apex Predator Diet lor Italians And Athletes entry and noted that there
is a dierence o opinion by noted authors on when best to consume the carbs, but they`re general-
ly consumed either immediately beore or ater a workout.
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Clearly, I`m the biggest an o the CKD, as that`s what Iè been on or years. I monkeyed with the
1KD a bit in the past, but I neer liked the idea o eating high at and then spiking my insulin, so
I neer ate high enough at to really hae called it a particularly ketogenic diet. It was more o a
paleoized 1KD. In regards to CKDs, Iè gien you guys the broad strokes o how Iè modiFed
the traditional cyclical ketogenic diet or mysel ,i.e. the Apex Predator Diet,, but thought it might
be prudent to share with you a ew o the tricks, hacks, and cheats Iè deeloped along the way to
make the diet work een better. 1hus, without any urther adieu:
>%).$,( ,- 9)6% <%,*'%9 /)(/$%( '. $4$%9 *$'20 Iè seen nonstop gibbering out o
people whose opinions would best be let alone in their empty heads about the alue o coconut
oil online, and it`s ridiculous. One douche actually asserted that his diet o naught but eggs and
coconut oil was one to ollow, which I ound as ascinating as I ound it absurd. \ou are not eating
unless you`re getting upwards o 40 grams o protein. Less than that isn`t a meal and can barely be
construed as a snack. Cheat meals should start with protein and be ollowed by shakes- I always
kick mine o with some kind o meat, be it hamburgers, wings, nuggets, or a meat-loer`s pizza.
1he more protein you consume, the greater the thermic eect o your meal and the better you will
look and eel oerall.
_$. '. 2$'-. .5) E%'*- ); <%).$,( <$% <)6(7 ); +)795$,E#. <$% 7'90 Chicks can get
by with a gram to a gram and a hal- apparently more than that ucks with their hormone leels.
1he mysteries o the agina aside, no man is truly eating or strength i he`s consuming less than
two grams o protein per pound o bodyweight per day.
"'?$ ' +%$'? $4$%9 )(/$ ,( ' 5#,2$0 1hat`s not to say you should adopt the asinine prac-
tice utilized by people who ollow a periodization` routine wherein they take one week per month
o rom liting. Lery now and again, though, it`s good or your mind and body to stop giing a
shit so much about your diet. I realize that sounds airly ridiculous or a guy who`s essentially been
on a diet or three straight years, but I do actually take a couple days to a week o rom my diet
ater meets, and take a week or so o rom my diet oer the holidays as well. I don`t go nuts eating
garbage, but I don`t eat super-strict or super clean. Instead, I keep my protein leels ery high and
Fll in the gaps with whateer I want. Again, caeats- I don`t really care or ice cream or particular-
ly sugary oods. 1hus, when I am RLALL\ o my diet, the worst thing on which I`m generally
snacking is Cinnamon Lie, unless it`s 1hanksgiing Day or Christmas, when I`ll eat desserts. Lat-
ing sugary shit will make you at. It`s science.
=)7,;9 9)6% .).'2 ;))7 ,(.'?$ .) *'./# 9)6% '/.,4,.9 2$4$20 1his does not mean you
should count calories, which is pointless een o a keto diet by truly worthless on one. Instead,
you should be eating more i you`re training harder, longer, or heaier, and less i you`re training
lighter.
H) (). -?,< 9)6% /'%+6<-0 Skipping your carbups might hae a small eect on at loss
but will ultimately render all o your training eckless. 1ype two muscle Fbers require glycogen
to unction, and depriing them o that glycogen will orce you to train lighter, which deeats the
entire purpose o the diet in the Frst place. No one gies a shit i you`re ripped and you`re weak,
and no one gies a uck i you`re strong and you`re at. 1he goal is to be strong as uck and ripped
to the bone, so you need to do your reeeds i you`re keeping your carbs under 30 grams a day 5-6
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days a week.
I^<$%,*$(.0 Once you get your bodyat to a manageable leel, eel ree to experiment.
Iè tried supplementing with BCAAs post workout, and I think that post-workout BCAAs with
additional leucine are a tremendously good idea, since leucine uptake and utilization is higher when
in ketosis. 1ry utilizing insulin modulating supplements like cinnamon and chromium to see i they
accelerate at loss. ProSupps has a new product out called iLoad that looks to be good in that re-
gard. Mix up days wherein you hae multiple ood meals and days wherein you only eat solid ood
once or twice i you`re doing the Apex Predator Diet.
CKDs work and work well or powerliting, no matter what the message board know-nothings
might assert to the contrary- I`m liing proo, and science has my motheruckin` back.
I'. 2,?$ ' +$'-. ,; 9)6 5'(. .) 2,;. 2,?$ )($0
M\ SLCRL1 DIL1 lOOD: Yov`tt êrer Cve.. t, .va t vc/ivg Rvte..
I hae tried many, many diets oer the years. In college, as a wrestler, I stuck with an ultra-low at,
airly high carb diet or nearly two years, eating almost nothing but turkey lunch meat, lettuce, and
bagels ,obiously, I was eating a lot o bagel sandwiches,. Ater waking one night staring to death
and craing sausage biscuits like a lunatic, I made a drastic switch to the Atkins diet. Due to the act
that I didn`t research it all that well, it didn`t quite hae the eect I would hae liked. I did enjoy my
couple o months o eating nothing but sausage patties and hamburgers, at least until I awoke in
a massie amount o pain, constipated as all hell, eeling the cumulatie eects o two months o
eating processed meat with no Fber whatsoeer. Neither o those diets worked particularly well,
and in spite o 5 or 6 days a week o liting and running, and wrestling hard 6 months out o the
year, I was not ripped`. Sure, I was muscular ,or a guy who wrestled 134 lbs,, and airly lean, I
was not the stack o brutally lean and ascular muscle that I am now.
lrom there, I moed to 1ucson, where I started eating steamed chicken and broccoli or three
meals a day, doused in the manna o the gods, Sriracha sauce. 1his meal was accompanied by at
least a ull cup o white rice, which I usually aced ater drowning it in Sriracha, and then ollowed
it up with a couple o protein shakes a day ,at the time, I made my own chocolate shakes using
unnaored bulk whey concentrate rom Supplementdirect.com,. Using this diet, I pushed my
weight up to around 10, and was pretty lean, but the white rice kept me rom getting much leaner.
I mixed in the occasional hoagie as well, in addition to chicken sot tacos rom Del 1aco. Del 1aco
ucking rules, l\I, although eery single one o their restaurants is a ucking shithole.
Ater trying the Chipotle diet or a ew years ,grilled chicken and white rice rom the restaurant
Chipotle, 3-5 times a day,, which put a ew more pounds o muscle on me, and the chicken soup
diet ,which I`ll outline in another post, mostly or the ladies,, I discoered Metabolic 1yping, ound
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that I`m a meat type, and started doing occasional keto runs ,a period o time in which you keep
your daily carbs below 5 o your daily intake, in conjunction with carb cycling. 1he carb cycling,
another thing I`ll outline in a later post, basically boils down to a couple a days o keto dieting, a
couple o days o medium carbs, and a couple o days o high carbing it ,typically on the days I
hae a cheat window,.
So, or the secret: drum roll please...
OJ3OPIW C3W_F0 1his is not a joke. I can attribute the eins on my abs DIRLC1L\ to my
massie consumption o unbreaded chicken wings. Allow me to tell you why.
\ings hae the perect macronutrient ratio or low carbing it. 60 o the calories in wings come
rom at, and almost all o the remainder come rom protein. 1hus, when you combine a couple
,or ew, pounds o wings a day with a couple o protein shakes, you end up with a macronutrient
breakdown that`s split almost exactly down the middle between protein and at.
1hus, wings pretty much the ideal macronutrient ratio or low-carbing. Most diet gurus suggest a
ratio along the lines o 55-0 at, 5 carbs, and the remainder o your caloric intake to come
rom protein, and that`s the breakdown with which you`ll end up i you allow wings to become the
,awesome, cornerstone to your diet.
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!3 ;$$2 3B* *)4,(E .)5'%7 '- 5$22 '- '5'9 ;%)* -)*$.#,(E8 '(7 '(9:
thing is possible.
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING
Metabotic 1,ivg Cet. iv tbe Mi, ivatt,
1his image lays out my dietary methodology in simple chapter and erse. 1he basis o the whole
philosophy is paleolithic nutrition. Paleolithic people, howeer, had widely aried diets, depending
on where in the world they called home, and what nora and auna was aailable to them at the time.
1hat`s where the rest o the CnP nutritional considerations come in.
Roger \illiams, the ather o the modern concept o Biochemical Indiiduality, claimed that e-
ery indiidual organism that has a distinctie genetic background has a distinctie nutritional need
which must be met or optimal well-being` ,\illiams, 190,. 1he American Medical Association,
supplement companies, and your doctors will hae you beliee dierently- we`re all exactly the
same organic machines propelled through lie utilizing the exact same nutritional regimen, and
requiring precisely the same uel or our biological power plants. Until recently, most in the sci-
entiFc community reused to een acknowledge the need or diering nutrition in elite athletes,
belieing instead that a Centrum was nutritional oerkill, and that eery single person on Larth
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needed a precise 60-30-10 ratio o carbohydrates, protein, and at to achiee optimal health. I
you Fnd yoursel agreeing with common knowledge` on that point, consider this- the Roman
philosopher Lucretius, who was a student o Lpicurus ,the ounder o the eponymous school o
philosophy based on the belie that pleasure is the chie good in lie,, stated 2300 years ago that
what is ood or one man may be Ferce poison to others`,\harton 185,. lar rom belieing that
there was a single diet that would sere eery athlete best, then, the Romans proed once more that
they were ar more reasonable, rational, and introspectie men than scientists` o a modern age,
most o whom seem content to ape their colleagues and ollow the status quo. 1heir unding, ater
all, comes rom a goernment whose commitment to dietary suicide and concomitant economic
growth, and anything that contradicts the goernment`s stated plan or economic growth is essen-
tially an eort to bite the hand that eeds.` 1hus, practitioners o modern medicine hae actually
regressed in their understanding o human nutrition, much like the astronomers` adoption o geo-
centrism and abandonment o heliocentrism in the Dark Ages.
Super ucking sweet, right \hen it comes to the issue o nutrition, most people in the medical
science and nutrition communities are like mongoloids with horse blinders on- about as useul or
adice in the extreme strength athletics community as the at bitch rom the moie Preciov..
1heir argument, at its core, would seem to be at least partly right- deep down, we`re undamentally
the same biological organism and all share similar nerous, endocrine, and hormone deliery sys-
tems. As such, we`re kind o like paper snownakes- we might be cut rom the same material, but
we`re all remarkably dierent thereater. \hat similarities do you share with Gabriele Sidibe I
hope not many... that bitch is barely een a human being. I you hae trouble taking a lap around
a McDonalds without sitting down or a break, you`re in need o a hot lead diet, because there`s
nothing as slimming as rotting in a gigantic, unmarked grae.
Getting back to the point at hand, though, paleolithic nutrition is still the basis o any sane dietary
prescription due to the act that the human genome has changed less that .02 in the last 40,000
years.,PD 9, In the grand scheme o things, that seems unimportant, as homo sapiens hae been
around or around a million years. 1hey, howeer, didn`t dierge rom Neanderthals, who were al-
most exclusiely carniorous, until around 250,000-500,000 years ago, howeer. 1hat means that as
recently as 250,000 years ago, Luropean humans were as carniorous as tigers. Cro-magnons, who
sort o bridged the physical gap between Neanderthals and homo sapiens sapiens didn`t een arise
until 36,000 years ago, so the act that weè only had a deiation o .02 o our genetic code since
beore Cro-magnons arose is signiFcant ,Slatkin, 15-158,. Gien our similarities to pre-modern
humans, then, it would stand to reason we share many o the same dietary requirements as our
pre-modern ancestors.
1here`s more to our dietary requirements, howeer, than simply genetics. lar rom a static con-
struct, change within our genetic code can occur within a generation due to ontogenic biological
alterations. Blending inheritable traits between populations constantly introduces new ariants to
a gene pool ,Slatkin, 2,, as do utero conditions ,temp, water, O2 supply,, which leads to a wholly
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dierent biological makeup and subsequent nutritional requirements than preceding generations.
I Iè lost you, let me sum up- a combination o heredity and enironment that create ast biolog-
ical indiiduality in each indiidual. 1his makes the determination o an ideal diet somewhat diF-
cult, and necessitates the creation o a method by which you can determine your speciFc nutritional
requirements.
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING PAR1 1.5: I \ou Need a Little More Conincing
In spite o the act that my argument or metabolic typing is to this point pretty much iron-clad,
I`m certain there remain many skeptics in regards to the idea that people o dierent racial,ethnic
phenotypes are biologically aried enough to justiy markedly dierent diets. 1hat`s airly under-
standable gien the act that the most popular o these types o diets are wholly discredited and
only championed by housewies with less understanding o the human body than tapeworms likely
hae ,the Blood 1ype Diet o the early 2000s springs immediately to mind,. lor those o you who
remain skeptical, consider this- natural selection, as an educated person knows, is a phenomenon in
nature in which the mean phenotype o a gien species moes a raction o the way towards the lo-
cal optimum phenotype, while gene now causes the mean phenotypes to be aeraged. 1hus, ethnic
phenotypes deelop Frst according to enironment, and then are gradually modiFed by gene now
oer time ,Slatkin, 118-128,. \ou might think, upon Frst renection, that this would merely mean
that a person`s ethnic diet would rely solely on the area rom which his ancestors came and the
aailable nora and auna therein, but think or a second about what else would occur- the area in
which those people lied would also exert a proound eect upon that ethnicities` biological make-
up as well. 1hus, not only would they deelop a pronounced increase in the ability to digest lean
meats i they lied in a rocky, mountainous area like the Caucasus, where goats might be a prealent
source o calories, but the people liing there and hunting those goats would deelop greater lung
capacity and ability to metabolize oxygen, due to the altitude in which they lied. 1heir physiques
would then change oer time, both ontogenetically and genetically, to acilitate success in these
regions, because the most successul hunters would thrie while the least successul would exit the
gene pool.
As such, the deelopment o traditional diets and actiity leels, sports, breeding patterns, and
either social , genetic isolation or interbreeding, that certain ethnicities deeloped a genetic pre-
disposition to certain types o exercise- the Kalenjin o Kenya became the world`s most dominant
runners due to a long and storied tradition o running great distances at high altitudes, while the
Norse and Germans ,described throughout ancient texts about the Germanic tribes as immense`
and strong`, deeloped world-amous size and strength ,Lades, 11-12, 181,. As you can imag-
ine, these traditional diets and liestyles would continually reinorce themseles, creating a distinct
biological phenotype or that ethnicity. It`s not just the placement o their organs or the leels o
eFciency displayed therein that would change, though, or simply their skeletal structure. 1he com-
position o their muscle Fbers, in addition to a genetic predisposition toward an ideal muscular
bodyweight, would also emerge, which would then create in that phenotype a distinct biological
nutritie need.
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In regards to the latter argument, the human body is comprised o two major types o muscle
Fbers- type 1 and type 2. 1ype 1 muscle Fbers are called slow twitch Fbers, which are slow to con-
tract, hae an abundance o mitochondria and are surrounded by capillaries to bring in nutrients
and carry away waste- these are the Fbers that acilitate success in endurance sports. 1ype 2, ob-
iously, would be the type associate with strength, contracting and relaxing aster, haing higher
glycolytic actiity ,that means greater use o muscle glycogen, and greater stores thereo, or the
slow ones,, greater phosphagen stores, and ewer capillaries ,Iy, 151,. No matter what the initial
composition o a muscle Fber, all muscle Fbers can respond to athletic training by improing their
ability to perorm according to the way they`re trained. 1raining aerobically, like the Kalenjin, in-
creases the mitochondria and capillaries in type 2 muscle Fbers, while training anaerobically enhanc-
es the phosphagen system o the type 1 Fbers. 1hus, een though most people hae a muscular
composition o about 50,50 type 1 and 2 Fbers, training aerobically or anaerobically can make the
Fbers unsuited to a certain type o training more akin to those that are. 1his is what makes those
crazy-ass log running Xaante Indians in Brazil good at running long distances carrying 200 lb logs.
\esterners, howeer, suck shit at that sport, because we haen`t deeloped a genetic adaptation to
competitions o that kind or trained to deelop it ontogenically.
\ou can see, then, how traditional physical actiity would impart demands on the physiques would
place on a phenotype`s respectie metabolisms would be altered een urther. It is this combina-
tion- dietary aailability, traditional recreational actiities, traditional work actiities, and basic en-
ironment- that creates the basis on which metabolic types hae arisen. It`s because we no longer
stick to our traditional stomping grounds, due to displacement and migration owing to the general
shittiness o modern lie, that hae let us utterly conused as to how to eat. \ell, that and ridicu-
lous subsidies by the asshole peddlers o shit we shouldn`t eat, like corn, the makers o 1winkies,
and all o the other eil motheruckers that comprise multinational corporations worldwide.
ML1ABOLIC 1\PING, PAR1L DVAl: A Brie listory o Metabolic 1yping
Metabolic typing systems hae existed about as long as an organized practice o medicine has.
Gien the act that prehistoric peoples practiced such detailed and systematic medical treatments as
trepanation ,there`s eidence that prehistoric peoples bored holes in peoples` heads to treat any-
thing rom mental illness to head trauma in cae paintings and the ossil record, and acupuncture
,Otzi the Iceman was coered in tattoos, many o which corresponded with traditional acupuncture
points or treating the arthritis with which he appeared to hae,, it stands to reason that systems
by which people identiFed the best method by which they could maintain their health ia dietary
choices were also extant.
According to the historical record, metabolic typing began with the Indians and Chinese, who are
essentially the only two peoples worldwide whose traditional medicines hae remained unucked
by modern medicine. lrankly, I don`t put much stock in either system, but this is where the whole
shitterree starts, so this is where we shall begin.
X( _6'%78 3B22 \$. c)6 "%9 =9 C6:"'(E F.92$
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
1he Chinese diide people into 5 basic types, though one can be a connuence o more than one
type. 1here appears to be no real consensus on the types, but as nearly as I can tell, here are the
basics ,Constitution, Diets,:
Q0 J). ,\ang abundance, Picture the quintessential Scot, Irishman, or Scandinaian and youè
got a good idea o what a hot type is like. 1heyè got sturdy bodies, oten eel hot, experience dry-
ness o the mouth, preer cold drinks when thirsty, hae a reddish complexion, are easily annoyed,
and tend to suer rom insomnia. 1hough I`d contend that this would be entirely contingent upon
their leel o hydration, practitioners o 1raditional Chinese Medicine ,1CM, claim that they usu-
ally discharge scanty urine o a dark color and hae hard stools. I you were so inclined to inspect
their tongue, and I cannot imagine why you would, you`d Fnd it appears red with a yellowish coat-
ing, or may hae no coating at all. As you`d expect, these guys are ery sensitie to high tempera-
tures.
S0 O)27 ,\in abundance, Indiiduals hae a rail body. 1hey usually eel cold, hae an aersion
to wind, and their limbs are cold. I would assume, then, that 95 o all women would then all into
this category. 1hey preer hot or warm ood and drinks, are reluctant to speak, get easily tired and
hae a pale or whitish complexion. 1hey usually discharge clear urine requently, stools are sot, and
tend to suer rom diarrhea easily. Upon examination o the tongue, it appears pink and bulky with
a whitish coating. Such indiiduals are ery sensitie to cold temperatures.
T0 H%9 ,Qi abundance, According to 1CM, indiiduals belonging to this constitution eel
thirsty easily and experience dryness in the eyes, throat, lips and skin. As such, they`re usually char-
acterized by a dry cough in nu season. Additionally, they`re skinny as hell, itchy, and hae a hell o a
time shitting, all o which is apparently due to lack o lubrication. Any guys`s worst date, in short-
the blowjobs are going to suck, and sex would probably eel like masturbating with extra coarse
sandpaper on top o an Lthiopian corpse in late-stage rigor mortis. linally, they are ery sensitie
to low leels o humidity, as corpses are wont to be. In short, ellas, i some Chinese woman tells
you your broad is a dry type, it might be time to moe on to the next one unless you`re sponsored
by a lube company and your oral skills are tighter than a born-again Christian chick`s asshole at the
AVN awards.
U0 H'*< ,Phlegm and might also be a Qi deFciency, \hat the rest o us know as the did-
dler` or Chester the Molester` type, these people preer sweet ood, likely due to its utility into
luring small children into ans with blacked-out windows. 1hey experience heainess in the body,
dizziness, and tire easily, look atigued and sleepy in day time, and snore easily during sleep. Un-
surprisingly, these sweaty-palmed saddies hae a low metabolic rate, tend to become oerweight or
bloated due to retention o water, and lack energy unless in the presence o an elementary school
playground. Discontented with the leel o horror theyè already displayed, these atties also
boast moist and bulky tongues coered with a greasy coating. According to the Chinese, these guys
are ery sensitie to damp weather, but I`d posit they`d brae it to watch a grade-school kickball
game or attend a NAMBLA meeting.
V0 W$6.%'2 Somehow the 5 elements get worked into it, as can a blood superabundance or deF-
ciency thereo, but Iè neither the time nor the interest in determining how it works exactly. Skip-
ping that, then, we`ll moe on to what happens once an indiidual`s type is determined. Accord-
ing to Dr. lenry Lu, 1he indiidual`s balanced diet, thereore, is always a mixture o oods with
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dierent naors and energies suited to the needs o the indiidual`s physical constitution.` 1hus,
instead o ocusing on macronutrient proFles as we do in the \est, the Chinese actually base their
metabolic typing diets on ood naors, energies, and moement. \eah, I know- ood moement
\hat the uck does that een mean 1hat aside, the Chinese might be onto something with the na-
ors and energies idea, in my opinion, at least insoar as certain naors might suit a person`s palate
better, and thereore lend themseles better to assimilation. llaors can be pungent, sweet, sour,
bitter, and salty. Inherent energies are cold, hot, warm, cool, and neutral, and are ood qualities
quite apart rom the temperature o the ood. lood moement includes outward, inward, upward,
downward, glossy, and obstructie. lor a person omiting, a ood with a downward moement
might be recommended. A patient with a runny nose might sole that problem with an obstructie
ood. Pain with an inguinal hernia might be relieed with an upward ood` ,Diets,
F26%<$$-8 W). O'-,()-
1he Indian Metabolic types are somewhat simpler to discern. Ayuredic medicine diides people
into three distinct types ,doshas,, and each indiidual is comprised o arying degrees o the three
types. Ideally, you`d like to hae 33 o each to hae a balanced internal system, but most people
hae a dominant type, or which they must compensate with diet in order to achiee optimal health.
1hese three types, Vatta, Pitta, and Kapha are also cross-linked with the Fe Larth elements to cre-
ate seen subsets o the 3 doshas. 1hey are ,Constitution, Diets, Dosha, \harton,:
b'.' ,Lther,Space and Air, People with more Vata in their constitutions tend to be thin,
with a slender rame and prominent joints, delicate skin that is naturally dry, and dry oluminous
hair. 1hey are quick and liely in thought, speech and action, and make riends easily. 1here is an el-
ement o airiness to their step, a quality o lightness in their laughter. Change is usually their second
name. 1hey are light sleepers and graitate towards warm enironments. Creatiity and enthusiasm
are hallmarks o balanced Vata.
>,..' ,lire and \ater, People with more Pitta in their constitutions tend to be o medium
proportions, with a rame that is neither petite nor heay, warm skin that is ery air or ruddy and
may be sensitie, and Fne hair that tends towards premature graying or thinning. 1hey are sharp
and determined in thought, speech and action. 1here is an element o purpose to their step, an
intensity to their oice. Ambition is usually their second name. 1hey are moderate sleepers and
graitate towards cooler enironments. Sel-conFdence and an entrepreneurial spirit are hallmarks
o balanced Pitta.
P'<#' ,\ater and Larth, People with more Kapha in their constitutions tend to be o
larger proportions, with a robust rame and padded joints, thick smooth skin that may tend to-
wards oiliness, and rich, way hair. 1hey are stable and calm in thought, speech and action, and are
easy-going and supportie in relationships. 1here is an element o steadiness to their step, a quality
o serenity in their smile. Loyalty is usually their second name. 1hey are long, heay sleepers and
uncomortable in damp, clammy enironments. Calm and sweetness o disposition are hallmarks
o balanced Kapha.
b'.' : >,..' ,combination o Vata and Pitta doshas,
b'.' : P'<#' ,combination o Vata and Kapha doshas,
>,..' : P'<#' ,combination o Pitta and Kapha doshas,
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b'.' : >,..' : P'<#' ,combination o all 3 doshas in balance,

Just as it is in 1CM, ood in Ayureda is diided into 6 tastes ,neutral, sour, salty, pungent, bitter,
astringent,, which are thought to hae arying eects on indiidual`s types. 1here is a diet or each
o the 3 basic types, while the combined metabolic types will use parts o seeral dierent diets.
Auredic medicine takes it a step urther than Chinese medicine, though, in that it dictates the
manner in which one should eat, sleep, drink, exercise, and lie based on your unique combination
o the three doshas. A bit much, in my opinion, and I`m not really in the habit taking medical ad-
ice rom a group o people who wash, shit, and bury their dead in the same rier rom which they
draw their drinking water. In the eent that you are, though, take any o the Ayuredic 1yping tests
aailable online. I took the one oered by Deepak Chopra and conFrmed that I am a Pitta type
,Vata: 3 Pitta: 5 Kapha: 2,- had I gotten Kapha out o the ucking thing, I`d tell you to aoid the
whole thing altogether, but check it out i youè got some time to kill. lor more inormation on
that shit, you can check out the Ayurbalance site I posted in the bibliography. And or the loe o
8 lb, 6 oz., tiny baby Jesus, don`t gie Matt lurey a ucking cent- i you want ino on Indian training
techniques, club bells, or diet, go here ,hup://www.sandowplus.co.uk/lndla/lndla.hLm, or ree
e-texts, which I guarantee you is the source o that ucker`s training secrets`.
_9%)- '(7 @'?2'4'
1he Greeks also ormulated a metabolic typing system they used in the treatment o mental and
physical disease based on what they called the our humors`. 1his system was established around
500 BC with a great deal o input rom lippocrates and persisted until well into the Middle Ages.
1he crux o the system reoles around on our liquids common in the body, all o which are the
source o all o the major health problems ound in your aerage human. 1hough it seems simplis-
tic in retrospect, it bears mentioning that the Greeks regularly discarded babies with isible health
deects, a practice which eliminated most o the extreme health problems a person might deelop
later in lie. In any eent, lippocrates`s theories became known as humorism or humoralism`
and basically stated that eeryone has all our humors, though the imbalance o one relatie to the
others ,which he called dyscrasia`, is the root o sickness. Lach o these humors was belieed to
be associated with one o the our elements which, when combined in arious proportions, make
up all things:
@2))7- 1his humor was interestingly not associated with the heart, but rather with the lier
and with air, which like blood is a hot and moist element. A person in whom blood predominates
was then expected to be staid and optimistic, or sanguine,` rom the Latin sanguis` ,blood,.
Natural ollower, blood types were thought to be composed, chill bros who adjust easily to change,
preer inormality, and are generally eckless hippies. Naturally, the Greeks were not oerawed with
the alue o your aerage stoner to society, and thus generally held these larold and Kumar-esque
motheruckers in disdain.
c$22)5 @,2$- 1hough the Frst thing that comes to my mind here is throatucking porn,
this humor was associated with neither mouths nor penises. Instead, yellow bile was associated
with the spleen and with Fre, as it`s the hot and dry element. 1he bilious assholes associated with
humor are the types o people you generally see picking bar Fghts- natural leaders, they gie exactly
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zero ucks about consequences, hae a hair trigger, and bear all o the markers o that one riend
with who you loe to hang out but who`s almost always getting you into altercations that end with a
collect call to your girlriend to post bail. Described by the Greeks as choleric,` they`re impulsie,
touchy, hypocritical, prideul, angry sonsobitches.
@2'/? @,2$- Known in eery \arhammer book as the most ubiquitous word eer used,
ichor is associated with the gall bladder and with Larth, which is the cold and dry element. \our
typical goth or whiney emo bitch, these saddies are said to be melancholic,` rom the Greek
melas` ,black, and khole` ,bile,. Comprised o eery horriyingly unpleasant characteristic you
could possibly wedge into a human being, these Nick Cae-loing sad sacks are sensitie, intuitie,
sel-conscious, touchy, ussy, introspectie, moody loners who are generally depressed atties who
write poetry to chicks they hae no hope o eer banging.
>#2$E*- As you might hae already guessed, this is where we get the word phlegmatic,`
rom the Greek phlegmatikos` ,abounding in phlegm,. Phlegm is equally unsurprisingly associat-
ed with the lungs and brain and with water, which is the cold and moist element. Phlegmatics are
generally peaceniks in the biblical manner- they`re quiet and keep to themseles and generally hae
little impact on the world at large, or better or worse.
According to a weirdly Catholic website that proided the most in-depth examination o this
pre-Christian medical system, lumorism greatly aected medieal cuisine as cooks endeaored to
prepare oods in proper balance, or example, cold, moist Fsh would be sered with hot, dry spic-
es or prepared with wine, which was also considered hot and dry, game was considered to be dry,
so was prepared in moist ats, inegar was considered cold and dry, so was tempered with honey,
which was considered hot and moist, etc. 1he goal in cooking or the ill, howeer, wasn`t a bal-
anced diet,` but a diet that would counteract the eects o the humor causing the illness. \orth
noting is that it isn`t the actual temperature or actual liquidity o a ood that determines its classiF-
cation as hot or cold, dry or moist, it is its inherent quality and its eects on the body. 1he degrees
o hotness,coldness and dryness,moistness were oten rated on a scale o 1 to 4, with 4 being the
highest. lumorist theory also aected cooking techniques: dry oods were boiled instead o roast-
ed, moist oods were baked instead o boiled, and so on` ,1emperments,.
As you can see, all o these traditional systems share a decent amount in common, which means
one o two things- either they all independently arried at similar conclusions, making them at least
somewhat alid systems o thought, or that they all arose out o an earlier uniersal system that co-
existed with the pre-Chinese acupuncture techniques o the Neolithic era. Lither way, the act that
all three systems persisted or thousands o years lends a bit o credence or them, and proides a
airly solid basis upon which modern methods o metabolic typing were ormulated.

MODLRN ML1ABOLIC 1\PING: t Migbt ôt e êce..arit, cievtifc, vt t Certaivt,
Ma/e. More ev.e 1bav 1be act 1bat 1be Karaa.biav. Covtivve 1o Drar reatb
No trip to the grocery store would really be complete without the isual assault o ew ambiguously
brown, giant-assed trannies lauded as women by gossip rags bearing the name Kardashian`. Not
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only hae those idiots done more to set back \estern anti-woman-beating sentiment than would
a looped clip o Rosie Perez saying anything at all played at high olumes in eery city center 24
hours a day or years on end, but theyè somehow managed to trick the emales o the \estern
world into thinking they should gie two ucks about those apid, gold-digging shitbirds. Mind
you, I don`t care that those gigantic trannies continue to try to pass as women- Iè nothing against
trannies. \eè all gotten drunk enough to make one or two mistakes in that regard in our lies,
and ater 30 agonizing minutes wondering what in the uck this means in the grand scheme o
your lie, you realize that making out with a dude dressed as a particularly hot woman is likely ar
less embarrassing than the time you banged a at girl on a charter bus in ront o your entire grad
school class. I, howeer would not hae been ooled by a seen oot tall t-girl built like a proes-
sional bouncer and bearing a chin and jawline that make Jay Leno look like Prince Ldward, and
hae no idea why American women are.
1hat might seem like a weird introduction Flled with personal anecdotes haing nothing whatsoe-
er to do with metabolic typing, but i you think about it, it makes a certain kind o sick sense. 1he
Kardashians are perhaps the best example o something so wholly deoid o utility that its exis-
tence deFes common sense, yet are apparently enthusiastically embraced by a considerable segment
o the population. Many pseudo-scientiFc diets share this in common with the Kardashians, and
persist or no reason any rational person could possibly discern. 1he metabolic typing diet, howe-
er, is not one o those ad diets. Instead, the metabolic typing diet carries orth a ery long-stand-
ing system o belies held the world around about how one should optimize their diet to maximize
their health, and combines that tradition with anthropological and historical justiFcations that while
not precisely scientiFc are at least logical.
1he current incarnation o the metabolic typing diet is actually a highly reFned synthesis o a
ew dierent typing diets, none o which are necessary to detail but about which you can read in
Charles leizer \harton, PhD`s book Metabotic Mav should you so choose. As should surprise
none o you, none o the many metabolic typing authors seem to agree on much o anything, oth-
er than the act that there are diering metabolic types and that each person is uniquely placed on
a bell cure between the types- while one glandular type is inariably dominant, it`s exceedingly rare
or any one person to be an archetypal type. Compounding the problem o type identiFcation is
the act that all o the authors beliee intensely in the innuence o arious wacky shit ranging rom
parasites to leaky gut syndrome and ood allergies on one`s type, all o which can make identiFca-
tion o a metabolic type harder, rather than easier.
I it seems at this point that I`m heading in the direction o uck this shit`, it`s because I am.
\heneer anyone has to make a litany o qualiying statements or any gien theory that takes up
the majority o the book, it`s because their theory is shit to begin with. I think, howeer, that the
idea has merit in spite o the innumerable caeats oered up by the authors, all o whom seem
to be obsessed with repairing the damaged internal systems o the inFrm and unFt rather than
maximizing the systemic perormance o people whose existence actually justiFes the eort these
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authors hae put into their theories. I, or one, could gie two naming ucks about getting some
inalid out into the light o day or the Frst time in ten years because they were too sickly and
terriFed to eat a goddamned steak and sack the uck up in the Frst place. Instead, it`d be ar bet-
ter or all o us i we just shot that ucker, burned their house to the ground, and sowed their land
with salt to ensure that nothing so useless will grow to take the place o the worthless cocksucker
who dared waste our time in the Frst place. Unortunately, it seems this sort o socially conscious
behaior was stamped out in the middle o the last century when people became distracted with
religion and ethnicity rather than oerall utility and genetic Ftness.
Meandering back to the subject at hand, don`t allow yoursel to be distracted by the caeats and
homages to possibly non-existent diseases and health problems. Instead, let`s ocus on the positie,
or once. \e hae all witnessed or experienced a scenario that should proe, beyond a shadow o
a doubt, that the idea o metabolic typing has a least a modicum o merit. Perhaps youè seen the
random person who actually got atter on a ketogenic diet, or you saw someone get incredibly lean
on a high carb diet while they did the same workout program as you, while you slowly got atter.
Maybe the oberse is true, and you`re the genetic anomaly who manages to get ripped to shreds and
jacked to uck eating lots o carbs and a moderate amount o protein, which your riends wither
away to skinny-atness and curse the day you were born ollowing the exact same diet. \eè all
seen these phenomena, and they`re as inuriating and perplexing as Justin Bieber`s continued popu-
larity. low to explain this It could only be the act that people can hae astly dierent metabo-
lisms, and that dierent diets will suit dierent people.
1he problem remains, howeer, o selecting that perect diet. 1hough I am unconinced that the
methods that hae yet been codiFed are the best or making this determination, they at least pro-
ide a starting point or those people who want immediate and simple answers to what is inariably
a complex problem. \ere the answer as simple as the question, there`d likely not be an endless
stream o mealy-mouthed, whiney, sad sack, unimaginatie, demanding, intolerable bitches whin-
ing endlessly on the internet about their lack o progress or their inability to get started on a diet.
Gien the alternatie, completing a short surey in the hopes it will shed some light on the answer
to your question seems reasonable, though or those parties who truly enjoy bitching, I`m sure this
is just one more intolerable inconenience about which they`ll eel ree to ent their insipid rus-
trations all oer the internet. Proided you`re an indiidual with a modicum o dignity and sel-re-
spect, howeer, you might try taking the ollowing quiz.
Q0 3( .#$ *)%(,(E 9)6A
a, don`t eat breakast
b, hae something light like ruit, toast, or cereal
c, hae something heay like eggs, bacon, or hash browns
S0 1. ' +6;;$.8 .#$ ;))7- 9)6 /#))-$ '%$A
a, light meats like Fsh and chicken, egetables and salad, and a sampling o dierent desserts
b, a mixture o A and C
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c, heaier oods like steak, ribs, pork chops, cheeses, and cream sauces
T0 c)6% '<<$.,.$ '. 26(/# ,-A
a, low
b, normal
c, strong
U0 c)6% '<<$.,.$ '. 7,(($% ,-A
a, low
b, normal
c, strong
V0 O';;$,($ *'?$- 9)6 ;$$2A
a, great- it helps me ocus
b, take it or leae it
c, makes me jittery or nauseated
e0 "#$ .9<$- ); ;))7- 9)6 /%'4$ '%$ `-6E'% ,- (). ,(/267$7 +$/'6-$ $4$%9)($ /%'4$- -6E'%
5#$( .#$9 '%$ .,%$7 )% %6( 7)5(RA
a, ruits, bread, crackers
b, both A and C
c, salty oods, cheeses and meats
f0 1. 7,(($% 9)6 <%$;$% .) $'.A
a, chicken or Fsh, salad, rice
b, no preerences-choice aries daily
c, pastas, steak, potatoes
g0 1;.$% 7,(($% 9)6A
a, need to hae something sweet
b, could take dessert or leae it
c, don`t care or sweets and would rather hae something salty like popcorn
Y0 "#$ .9<$- ); -5$$.- 9)6 2,?$ '%$A
a, sugary candies like skittles or hot tamales
b, no preerence
c, ice cream or cheesecake
QZ0 I'.,(E ;'..9 ;))7- 2,?$ *$'. )% /#$$-$ +$;)%$ +$7A
a, preents me rom sleeping
b, doesn`t bother me
c, improes my sleep
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QQ0 I'.,(E /'%+- 2,?$ +%$'7- '(7 /%'/?$%- +$;)%$ +$7A
a, disturbs my sleep, I sleep better on lighter oods
b, doestn`y aect me
c, is better than nothing but I sleep better on heaier oods
QS0 I'.,(E -5$$.- +$;)%$ +$7A
a, doesn`t keep me rom sleeping at all
b, sometimes makes me eel restless in bed
c, keeps me up all night
QT0 J)5 );.$( 7) 9)6 $'. $'/# 7'9a
a, 2 or 3 meals with no snacks
b, 3 meals with maybe one light snack
c, 3 meals with constant snacking
QU0 c)6% '..,.67$ .)5'%7- ;))7 ,-A
a, I oten orget to eat
b, I enjoy ood and rarely miss a meal
c, I loe ood- its a central part o my lie
QV0 C#$( 9)6 -?,< *$'2-8 9)6 ;$$2A
a, Fne
b, I don`t unction at my best, but it doesn`t bother me
c, I eel shaky, irritable, weak, and tired
Qe0 J)5 *6/# 7) 9)6 2,?$ ;'..9 ;))7-a
a, not at all
b, moderately
c, I crae them regularly
Qf0 3; 9)6 $'. ;%6,. ;)% +%$'?;'-. )% 26(/#8 9)6 ;$$2A
a, satisFed
b, okay, but I usually need a snack between meals
c, unsatisFed and still hungry
Qg0 C#'. ?,(7 ); ;))7- 7%',( 9)6% $($%E9a
a, atty oods make me eel lethargic
b, no ood aects me this way
c, ruit, candy, or conections gie me a quick boost and then a sugar crash
QY0 c)6% ;))7 <)%.,)(- '%$A
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a, small- less than aerage
b, aerage- not more or less than other people
c, I eat large portions o ood, usually more than most people.
SZ0 J)5 7) 9)6 ;$$2 '+)6. <).'.)$-a
a, don`t care or them
b, take them or leae them
c, loe them
SQ0 K$7 *$'. *'?$- 9)6 ;$$2A
a, tired
b, no particular eeling one way or the other
c, strong
SS0 1 -'2'7 ;)% 26(/# *'?$- 9)6A
a, eel energized and healthy
b, Fne, but it isn`t the best type o ood or me
c, sleepy
ST0 J)5 7) 9)6 ;$$2 '+)6. -'2.a
a, oods oten taste too salty or me
b, don`t notice one way or the other
c, I crae salt and put it on my ood regularly
SU0 c)6% -('/? ); /#),/$ ,-A
a, I don`t really snack, but i I do its something sweet
b, I can snack on anything
c, I need snacks but preer meats, cheeses, eggs, or nuts
SV0 J)5 7) 9)6 ;$$2 '+)6. -)6% ;))7- 2,?$ <,/?2$-8 2$*)( d6,/$8 )% 4,($E'%a
a, strongly dislike them
b, they don`t bother me, but I don`t particularly like them
c, I like sour oods
Se0 C#$( 9)6 $'. -5$$.-8 9)6 ;$$2A
a, sweets alone can satisy my appetite
b, they don`t bother me, but don`t satisy me
c, I don`t eel satisFed oten and crae more sweets
Sf0 C#$( 9)6 d6-. $'. *$'. `+'/)(8 -'6-'E$8 #'*8 -'2*)(R ;)% +%$'?;'-.8 9)6 ;$$2A
a, sleepy, lethargic, irritable
b, it aries day to day
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c, satisFed and I don`t get hungry until lunch
Sg0 X; .#$ .#%$$ ;)22)5(E /#),/$- ;)% 7,(($%8 9)6B7 <%$;$%A
a, grilled Fsh, salad, rice
b, a mixture o A and C
c, lamb chops, cooked carrots, and baked potatoes
SY0 C#$( 9)6 $'. #$'498 ;'..9 ;))7-8 9)6 ;$$2A
a, irritable
b, doesn`t aect me
c, oten alleiates my anger or irritability
TZ0 C#$( 9)6 ;$$2 '(^,)6-A
a, ruits and egetables calm me down
b, eating anyting calms me
c, atty ood calm me down
TQ0 c)6 /)(/$(.%'.$ +$-. 5#$( 9)6 $'.A
a, ruits and grains
b, nothing in particular aects my concentration
c, meast and atty oods
TS0 c)6 ;$$2 *)%$ 7$<%$--$7 5#$( 9)6 $'.A
a, atty or heay oods
b, ood doesn`t aect me in this way
c, ruits, breads, sweets
TT0 c)6 ().,/$ 9)6 E',( 5$,E#. 5#$( 9)6A
a, eat atty oods
b, no particular ood makes me gain, I gain when I oereat
c, eat ruits and carbs
TU0 C#'. .9<$ ); ,(-)*(,'8 ,; '(98 '<<2,$- .) 9)6a
a, I rarely get insomnia rom hunger
b, I rarely get insomnia, but i I do, I oten need to eat something in order to go back to sleep
c, I oten need to wake up during the night to eat but i I eat something right beore bed, it allei-
ates the insomnia.
TV0 c)6% <$%-)('2,.9 .9<$ ,-A
a, aloo, withdrawn, introerted
b, neither introerted nor extroerted
c, I am an extroert
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Te0 c)6% *$(.'2 '(7 <#9-,/'2 -.'*,(' '%$ +$..$% 5#$( 9)6 $'.A
a, light proteins like eggs whites, chicken or Fsh, and ruits
b, any wholesome ood
c, atty oods
Tf0 c)6% /2,*'.$ <%$;$%$(/$ ,-A
a, warm or hot weather
b, doesn`t matter to me
c, cold climates
Tg0 c)6 #'4$ <%)+2$*- 5,.# /)6E#,(E )% /#$-. <%$--6%$ `,; ()8 -?,<R
c, yes
TY0 c)6 #'4$ ' .$(7$(/9 .) E$. /%'/?$7 -?,( )% 7'(7%6;; `,; ()8 -?,<R
c, yes
UZ0 c)6 #'4$ ' .$(7$(/9 .) E$. 7,]]9 )% 2,E#.#$'7$7 `,; ()8 -?,<R
c, yes
UQ0 c)6% $9$- .$(7 .) +$A
a, dry
b, don`t notice one way or the other
c, my eyes tear oten
US0 c)6% /)*<2$^,)( ,-A
a, noticeably pale
b, aerage color
c, pink,red or nushed
43. Your ngernails are:
a, thick
b, aerage
c, thin
44. Do you have a gag reex?
a, ery hard to make me gag
b, normal
c, I gag easily
UV0 c)6 E$. E))-$ +6*<-A
a, oten
Page 5
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
b, occasionally
c, ery rarely
Ue0 c)6% +)79 ,- *)%$ <%)($ .)A
a, constipation
b, no stomach problems
c, diarrhea
Uf0 C#$( ,(-$/.- +,.$ 9)68 9)6% %$'/.,)( ,-A
a, mild
b, aerage
c, seere
Ug0 c)6% +)79 .9<$ ,-A
a, short and stocky
b, aerage
c, tall and thin
UY0 c)6% ()-$ ,-A
a, dry
b, normal
c, runny
Once youè answered all o the aboe questions, add up your total or a, b, and c answers. I you
hae trouble with this step, Fnd a responsible adult to hit you oer the head with a tack hammer,
because you`re a ucking retard.
I you answered A Fe or more times more than your B and C answers, congratulations, you`re a
Carb 1ype , Slow Oxidizer. 1his means that you get to ollow the prototypical bodybuilder diet on
your path to Valhalla, and you`ll eat a diet comprising o 60-0 carbohydrates, 20-25 protein,
and 10-15 at. I you answered B Fe or more times more than your A and C answers, or i no
one answer occurred Fe or more times more than another one o the answers, you are a Mixed
1ype , Balanced Oxidizer. \ou will thus be a ull on Zone diet champion, eating a roughly bal-
anced mix o ats, carbs, and protein, though you`ll still shoot or 30 or less o your calories to
come rom at. Metabolic typing guru, proessional Pael lookalike, and strength coach Paul Chek,
being a wild-eyed atophobe, would assert you need to restrict your ats to 10 and split your calo-
ries eenly between carbs and proteins, but other, more reasonable authors will assert that you can
cheat your ats up a little higher and still aoid Fnding yoursel buried under a mountain o cellu-
lite.
Clearly, this is not brain surgery and not precisely scientiFc, but it can sere as a nice guide i you`re
unclear exactly how to een go about structuring your ideal diet. lumanity would not hae ad-
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hered to metabolic typing diets or this long, and they`d hardly hae been as ubiquitous as they are
were there nothing whatsoeer to them. As such, it might behooe you to at least do a bit o ines-
tigation into your metabolic type, i or no other reason than to diert your attention rom Reddit
and lacebook or a ew minutes with a topic that`s at least marginally intellectual.
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Well. I sigh. He led what I suppose was an orderly life, I guess.
Really stumped, I offer, He...ate a balanced diet.
MISCLLLANLOUS DIL1S AND DIL1ING GOODNLSS
1be revcb are ivatt, Cirev 1be !orta ovetbivg Of 1atve 1be Dv/av Diet
I am shocked and pleased to announce that the lrench hae Fnally, ater oer a thousand years o
nearly unmitigated suck, decided to gie the world something useul. 1hat thing, as it happens, is a
book about nutrition- 1he Dukan Diet.
I realize that the aboe statement makes about as much sense as an announcement to the eect
that a New Guinea tribesman has just made a breakthrough in quantum physics, but I am actually
quite serious. 1he lrench will surprise us rom time to time, as they hae oer the course o the
last 100 years produced Charles Rigolout, Rise o the Northstar`s song Protect \a Chest`, and the
Dukan Diet. In much the same way as the other two lrench products were excellent, the Dukan
Diet is a damn Fne nutrition book.
As a bit o background, the Pierre Dukan, progenitor o the Dukan Diet, is considered to be
lrance`s answer to Dr. Atkins. Like Atkins, he`s regarded as a saint by some ,notable celebrities like
the broad who married into British royalty, the ridiculously nicknamed J-Lo, and Gisele swear by
the diet, and a deil by others ,including another popular dieting author who essentially said that
Dukan`s poisoning the minds and bodies o the lrench,.,Nazar, Pichi, Additionally, Dukan is a
legitimate doctor, and he seems to hae deeloped his diet ater years o receiing diet questions
rom his patients and combining what he ound through research with what he saw working in real
lie.
1hough someone to whom I recently described the diet responded with something akin to horror
at the perceied complexity o the diet, I think it`s unbelieably simple. 1he diet is broken down
into our separate parts, all with ery simple-to-ollow rules:
Q0 1..'/? >#'-$- this is a pure protein diet utilized to kickstart at loss
S0 O%6,-$ >#'-$: pure protein days alternated with quasi-paleo days on which you can add
select egetables
T0 O)(-)2,7'.,)( >#'-$: intended to preent rebound, this phase is a bit looser than the
cruise phase
U0 >$%*'($(. F.'+,2,]'.,)( >#'-$: basically, eat whateer the uck you want, with one pro-
tein day
5.
In my opinion, it hardly gets simpler than this. Additionally, this appears to be the ultimate |e-
ectie| emale diet, as it eentually allows the women to eat their much sought-ater carbs ater
training them and their brains how they should ocus their dieting eorts. 1hat`s one o the most
genius parts o the Dukan Diet, as it has built in game mechanics that essentially allow users to
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leel-up` and get access to tastier oods. Additionally, this diet is ar less draconian than anything
I ollow on a regular basis, requires little to no calculations, and keeps its ood rules airly simple.
Beore I die into the phases, I Fgure I`ll gie those o you who could gie a uck about this diet
some interesting highlights:
On determining one`s ideal weight: it`s better to ask yoursel what weight is realistic and at
which you`d eel good than to antasize about looking like a celebrity. Abstractions in shit like this
generally lead to ailure.
\our body`s biological memory o your most common bodyweight can neer be erased.
As such, you should ocus on losing weight gradually, rather than in big jumps- big jumps will waste
the willpower you`ll need to stabilize your weight at a reasonable leel, rather than momentarily
hitting a new high or low.
1he DD includes a true weight calculator, which is pretty interesting, and Dukan notes that
a man`s stable bodyweight increases 2.6 lbs per decade, and a woman`s increases 1.8 lbs.
On a diet, you should rerain rom using too much salt- this will reduce water retention
and help keep your appetite at bay. Salt intake increases saliation and gastric acidity, which trigger
eelings o hunger. Also, Dukan mentions that an increase in water with a concomitant decrease in
salt will reduce the appearance o cellulite.
lats are public enemy 41, and simple carbohydrates are 42. I, o course, disagree with this
sentiment or strength athletes ,see last blog or more ino,.
1""1OP0
1he attack phase o the Dukan Diet ,heretoore D.D., lasts 2- days, based on personal atness,
the aerage o which is 5 days. During this phase, you limit yoursel to oods that are as close to
pure protein as possible- lean meats, skinless poultry, 90 lean ground bee or better, eal, pork,
game meats, seaood, eggs, nonat dairy... essentially, anything but duck, goose, and ribs. 1his can
be prepared any way you like, but without butter, oil, or cream. As I mentioned, poultry has to be
skinless, though it can be cooked with the skin on to presere the meat`s moisture as much as possi-
ble. I you`re eating eggs, you should limit yoursel to two yolks during this phase, but you can eat
unlimited portions o the rest.
Did I mention the dairy I ound that to be the most interesting part o this diet, and especially
to the airer sex, who is oreer ucking whining about the lack o cheese, milk, ice cream, cheese,
and ice cream in their diets. Also, ice cream. Anyone who`s eer tried to help chicks with a diet has
suered through this, as chicks tend to whine about ice cream a ucking lot. In any eent, no sugar
added dairy is right at the top o the ucking list or Dukan, who somehow beliees lactose to be
more or less harmless. As such, at ree cheese can be eaten in unlimited amounts, skim milk can
be drunk, and sugar-ree yogurt can be eaten. 1his makes lie airly easy or most chicks, as they all
seem to loe cottage cheese, and you can pretty much make this phase the cottage cheese phase i
you so choose. In retrospect, I suppose it doesn`t necessarily allow ice cream, but dairy is dairy in
my mind, so all o you dairy aFcionados can suck it the uck up. Also, there`s an end around on the
ice cream thing, as proided by the good people oer at My Dukan Diet.
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1he only hard and ast rules on this bitch is that you must consume 1.5 tablespoons o oat bran
eery day ,he recommends making it into a galette,, drink 1.5Q o water per day, and eat as much
o the allowed oods as you want. Insoar as duration is concerned, he recommends a 3 day attack
or people looking to lose less than 20 pounds ,total,, a 1 day attack or people looking to lose less
than 10 lbs, and -10 days or \al-Mart atties. linally, he recommends 20 minutes o walking a
day, but quite rankly i you think 20 minutes o walking constitutes exercise, then the series o odd
decisions youè made in Fnding this site leads me to beliee that you`re probably here or the porn.
OKN3F3WB
1he cruise phase essentially takes the attack phase and adds eggies. Like I stated earlier, this diet
is so simple, the ucking book could hae been written in crayon and Simple Jack could hae un-
derstood it without a problem. 1his phase is continued without a break until the dieter hits their
target weight, and just alternates pure protein days with protein and egetable days, all in unlimited
amounts. 1he aerage length o the phase is three days per pound o bodyweight lost, which is
actually pretty reasonable, and retains the same oat bran and water prescription rom the preious
phase.
Vegetables that are ok`d by Dukan or this phase: tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, spinach, lettuce,
asparagus, leeks, green beans, cabbage, mushrooms, celery, ennel, eggplant, zuccchini, summer
squash, peppers, and proided they`re not at eery meal, carrots and beets. No amount o whin-
ing, pleading, cajoling, or other tomoolery will make potatoes or corn egetables. 1hey`re not. It`s
science. Accept it and moe on with your lies.
OXWFX\3H1"I cXNK >XF3"3XW
At this point, youè conquered your body like litler raped lrance, and youè got to install your
own puppet regime. Instead o enlisting the help o the Vichy, youè got to continue the Crui-
sin` diet with minor modiFcations, and add in some celebration` meals. 1his is where the diet
gets un` in emale parlance. At this point, you get to add two slices o bread and a portion o
ruit eery day. Additionally, you can hae two portions o starchy carbohydrates a week, and two
planned cheat meals.
At this point in the diet, you should hae a pretty ucking good idea o what got you to where you
are, a healthy respect or that knowledge, and a desire not to blow the whole goddamned thing
because youè already broken your ass dieting or a month. 1his phase takes that and rolls it into a
ball with what regular ,lA1 cough lA1, people consider a normal`,`balanced` diet. 1he idea
here is to train yoursel to hae portion control so you maintain your weight. \our body`s not tak-
ing that shit laying down, howeer, and will Fght tooth and nail to regain its lost at. At this point,
people Fnd they`re cold, tired, constantly hungry, and hae increased caloric absorption... essential-
ly, it`s a big bag o bullshit.
1o get your body to uck right o with that nonsense, Dukan reintroduces whole grain bread, cer-
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tain ruits, and the wondrous cheat meal. Iè already outlined the myriad reasons why cheat meals
are awesome ,here and here,, and Dukan agrees with my sentiments. le does, howeer, add limita-
tions I do not, and which might well proe useul to a lot o you who are struggling with at loss:
eat anything you want, but you only get a single portion, and your portion size should be
moderated by reason
eat one o eery one o the haute-cuisine courses to proide yoursel with a ull meal ex-
perience- 1 appetizer, 1 entree, 1 dessert, and 1 glass o wine.
cannot hae two celebration meals in a row
As I stated, this is in many ways similar to my suggestions about cheat meals, though my
suggestions lack the eete trappings o that esteemed lrench gentleman`s. In any eent, they`re
reasonable. In addition to the aboe, he suggests that you hae a single day o pure proteins per
week, and recommends that the ollowing ruit hierarchy to guide your decision making there:
Apples Strawberries and Raspberries Melon Graperuit Kiwis, peaches, nectarines,
mangoes.
\ou cannot hae bananas, grapes, cherries, dried ruit, or nuts. Additionally, you still cannot hae
starchy egetables` like corn, potatoes, or yams, unless it`s one o your starch meals. Speaking o
which, the plan or the starchy meals is not too dissimilar rom the cheat meal plan- it`s goerned
by reason and common sense. During the Frst hal o the consolidation phase, you can only hae
one sering a week, and then you bump it up to two serings once you hit the halway point. As
or what you can stu down your gullet at these meals, you can hae an 8 oz ,cooked, sering o
pasta, corn, breads, couscous, polenta, or lentils, 6 oz o white or 8oz o brown rice, or a baked
potato without butter. \hile it`s not quite an eening at the Olie Garden, it`s something or those
o you who loe their carbs.
1. \$'-. c)6% C$,E#. C,22 @$ F.'+2$
1he DD is structured so that you neer hae to return to a lie o bulimia to manage your weight,
and the Permanent Stabilization routine is the key to the whole shitteree, according to MM. Dukan.
1his phase is actually simpler than the rest, as it inoles eating whateer the uck you want 6 days
a week ,proided you`re still getting your 21BSP o oat bran a day, eating the pure protein diet one
day a week, and neer using an escalator or eleator again in your lie. 1he latter recommendation
only really works in sub-Saharan Arica or a country that is bombed nat by its neighbor twice a
century, but would likely be suicidal i you lied in the Burj Khalia or wanted to stand at the top o
the Lmpire State Building.
According to Dukan, howeer, this thing will keep you slender as a baguette-eater or the remainder
o your days, and apparently does not require that you own a beret to do so.
h6$-.,)(- 3 J'4$ @$$( 1-?$7 1+)6. "#,- H,$. 12%$'79
Q: Is oat our the same as oat bran?
A: Nope. Oat nour is entirely dierent rom oat bran, and could be considered the yin to oat
bran`s yang, or the Skeletor to bran`s le-Man. On this diet you will hae to eat oat bran, which is
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apparently hard as all ucking hell to Fnd in some stores. It should be located, howeer, in the cere-
al isle. \ou can also get it cheap on amazon i you so choose.
Q: I can't nd sugar-free yogurt! HLLP!
A: \ogurt, like all dairy oods, contains sugar. 1his sugar is called lactose, and is the alleged culprit
when any person shits their pants ater drinking a glass o milk. According to one study, Approx-
imately 0 o the world`s population has primary lactase deFciency`, which means they are at
least moderately lactose intolerant. 1hat ascinating sidebar aside, there`s no way to get sugar-ree
yogurt. \hat you want is No sugar added` yogurt, which is sweetened with artiFcial sweeteners.
No honey, no agae, and no other hippie aux sugars are allowed either- you want good, old-ash-
ioned chemical sweeteners i you`re going to hae yogurt, or just eat it unnaored.
hA C#$%$ -#)627 3 E) .) E$. %$/,<$-i*)%$ ,(;)%*'.,)(i'(9.#,(E $2-$ +$/'6-$ 3B* .))
;6/?,(E 2']9 .) %$'7 .#$ +))?a
A: My Dukan Diet seems to hae some good recipes and breaks shit down a bit. 1hus, i youè
got a member o the amily with Down`s syndrome but who wants to lose some weight ,and when
was the last time you saw someone with Down`s who couldn`t stand to get their ass around the
block a couple o times,, or you want recipes, go here.
hA 3- /6* '22)5$7 )( .#,- 7,$.a GI7,.)%B- ().$A 3 4$%9 2,.$%'229 5'- '-?$7 .#,- [6$-.,)(0
"5,/$0L
A: \es, cum can be a ery important part o any diet or anyone who wishes to partake ,edited or
the hyper literal readers out there,. 1his means that gays, bisexual guys, guys who like to eat their
own cum, and straight or bisexual chicks can beneFt greatly rom the addition o cum to their diet.
Although cum may look creamy and opaque, it contains ery little at, and ew calories. One
teaspoon o cum contains about 5 calories, and the aerage ejaculation produces about a
tablespoon o semen, or a total o 15 calories. Because o the sugars in seminal nuid, we`d
guess that it has a ew carbohydrates, but considering the relatiely small olume o semen
per sering` we`d guess the total amount to be negligible.Gien that cum is a high-protein,
low-carb snack, you`d think the Atkins Diet people would be all oer it by now. Plus, when
you actor in the calories expended in perorming oral sex, chances are you`re burning o
much more than you`re consuming. 1he only way that swallowing during a blow job will
make you at is i you coer your loer`s dick with whipped cream and chocolate syrup`
,Don`t Spit,.
Per \ikipedia: Semen is primarily water, but contains trace amounts o almost eery nutrient the
human body uses.|citation needed| It has somewhat higher amounts o commonly deFcient miner-
als, such as potassium, magnesium, and selenium. One typical ejaculation contains 150 mg o pro-
tein, 11 mg o carbohydrates, 6 mg at, 3 mg cholesterol, US RDA potassium and 3 US RDA
copper and zinc.`
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SIMPLL AS A, B, Bloody C, D, L!
I mentioned in a preious blog that I was a bit o a an o a guy o whom youè likely neer
heard, 1orbjorn Akereldt. Akereldt is a ormer bodybuilder and doctor who pioneered a pretty
innoatie diet in the 1990s called the ABCDL diet, which Bill Phillips jocked like it was the sec-
ond coming o Arnold Schwarzenegger. \hy Because based on Akereldt`s theories, you can diet
hard or two weeks, then blow your diet completely or two weeks, and still get bigger and lose at.
lor obious reasons, this diet`s been hit with a massie amount o scrutiny, and no longer really
gets any press. 1he science behind it, howeer, is compelling, and I`m o the opinion that it can be
incorporated into one`s diet, howeer sparingly. low sparingly I`m o the opinion that i you diet
your ass o or a couple o months, this might just be the way to get your body anabolic again,
throw on some muscle in a hurry, and get your head right ater weeks o depriation.
J)5 ,. 5)%?-A
1his diet`s about as simple as they come- oereat or 2 weeks, then undereat or two weeks, then
repeat ad nauseum. According to Akereldt, you should end up with a net lean muscle gain and
oerall at loss, no matter how shitty your diet during the two weeks. Protein intake is not an issue
on this diet, as the only thing you`re tracking on this diet is caloric intake- you want 1000 surplus
calories during the oereeding period and a caloric deFcit o the same in the undereeding period,
with no restrictions or recommendations on macronutrients.
I wouldn`t be surprised to Fnd that Lyle McDonald is at least a mild an o this diet, as it seems to
hae similar aims to McDonald`s Cviae 1o teibte Dietivg- i.e. manipulation o thyroid, testosterone,
and leptin. A word to the wise, howeer- Iè linked the studies associate with this diet, and Iè yet
to read a writeup on the web that`s got the details recounted aithully, accurately, or in some cas-
es, een remotely correctly. Science seems to support it as well, as one study shows that a 3 week
period o oereeding in a bunch o chicks resulted in an aerage weight gain o 9.5 lbs, o which
about 4 was lean mass. All o the subjects experienced increased testosterone, IGl-1, and insulin,
which meant that they were highly anabolic. Unortunately, they also gained 5 lbs o at in three
weeks. I highly doubt they were particularly psyched about this, but gien that most emales gain
muscle at a ar slower rate than men, it`s deFnitely something or guys to consider. In any eent,
the next study associated with the ABCDL diet shows that in small samples o men oer 12 days,
guys who ate more calories gained more muscle than at, and guys who under ate lost more at
than muscle. I rankly ound the most interesting Fnding in this tiny study was that at oxidation is
inersely proportional to carbohydrate intake- i.e., the less carbs you eat, the more at you burn. As
such, it seems Akereldt might be making mountains out o molehills. 1he Fnal study associated
with this diet inestigated the eect o a caloric and nitrogen surplus on nitrogen retention, though
this positie nitrogen balance was not maintained ater the diet ended. 1hus, my take is that your
body adapts to high protein diets by enabling itsel to utilize more protein, but to reap the beneFts,
youè got to keep the protein high.
\hy, then, tell you about this diet Because it`s ucking interesting, or one, and because it could
Page 65
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beneFt you, or another. Some excerpts rom a Bill Phillips interiew with Akereldt seem to echo
my sentiments:
ScientiFc studies hae reliably shown that when there is a drastic change in the diet, the
body responds ery switly and eFciently` ,Phillips,.
Our genes hae not eoled much during the last 100,000 years, thus, they are still deel-
oped or our hunter,gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, wheneer they succeed-
ed in killing an animal, lied on meat or a week or two. At other times, when they had bad luck
hunting and a crop ailed, they lied on a low-calorie diet. 1his selectie pressure gae man adipose
tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a ery adaptie metabolism to cope with periods
o dierent diets` ,Phillips,.
During a calorie |or any macronutrient| restricted period, the number and actiity o en-
zymes which goern storage will increase, while the degrading enzymes and those which promote
the eFciency or utilization will decrease in actiity.... On the other hand, ater a period o restric-
tion, the body is now optimized or a orthcoming period o excess` intake o calories. \hen this
period takes place, the body will store excess calories at a tremendous rate. 1his applies to carbohy-
drates |glycogen| and is the basis or carb loading.` It also applies to ats |triglycerides| and amino
acids |proteins|. Sometimes this mechanism is called super-compensation` ,Phillips,.
During the bulking phase o the ABCDL program, seeral things happen. lirst o all,
nuid, glycogen, and amino acids are loaded into the myocyte |muscle cell|. According to lussing-
er`s theory o cellular hydration5,6 and Millward`s ull-bag` theory,9 the cell will actually stretch.
1his stretching, or as Millward calls it, bag Flling,` occurs rapidly during the bulking phase o this
system. Bag enlargement is remodeling o the connectie tissue. Remodeling is stimulated during
the stretching or eccentric components o exercise and is urther enhanced by the incredible pump
you`ll get while training during this phase o the diet` ,Phillips,.
1he macronutrient proFle o the diet is not nearly as important as the total-energy intake,
but one could logically surmise that consuming a higher protein diet during the bulking phase may
stimulate anabolic drie and produce een greater nitrogen retention. I you ollowed a high-carbo-
hydrate diet during the low-calorie phase, the accompanying increase in at oxidation would make
you put on a lot o at during the next bulking phase` ,Phillips,.
lis recommendations or calories in the two phases:
1ake your bodyweight times 12 |to approximate maintenance-calorie intake or an indiid-
ual who`s not extremely actie| and add 1,500 calories to this number. lor example, a person who
weighs 200 lbs, like yoursel, would consume about 4,000 calories a day during the bulking phase
|200 x 12 ~ 2,400 - 1,500|. On the low-calorie phase, I would recommend consuming a number o
calories equal to your bodyweight times eight. 1hat would be about 1,600 calories or you |200 x 8
~ 1,600|` ,Phillips,.
Seems airly simple, right 1hough I might not agree with eery bit o his premise, the theory is
certainly enticing, especially i you know, or instance, that you`ll be eating your ass o on acation
or two weeks. Should you hae such a plan, it might behooe you to undereat or two solid weeks
prior to that caloric bonanza to get the most out o it ,and look your best while you embark upon
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a Kobiyashi-style gastronomic catastrophe,. 1he best bit to take away rom this diet- experimen-
tation is ucking key. Lery bit o inormation you can pick up will be useul at some point, no
matter whether you agree with the author`s premise or not... but uck you i you disagree with me.
S1L\-ROIDS
terRoia. i/e . Mvtbafvc/a
It`s rare that I hae an issue titling a post, as the title usually pops out o my Fngers simultaneous-
ly with the idea or the article. 1he title or this post eluded me, howeer, as i I were an obese,
mustachioed, unwashed child molester, rocking a turgid 4` hard on, chasing the last remaining child
through a McDonald`s Playland with a leaky bag o opiate laced candy with ten minutes let beore
the end o the world. 1his is odd, because hilarity usually comes airly easy to me, and I know
exactly what it is this article is to be, and yet the best I can come up with is loly Shit, \esterners
Are All Retarded`, because holy shit, \estern liters are ucking retarded. Blinded by an endless
spate o ad diets, immersed in endless debates about nutrition and buried in mounds o research
conducted by people who hae no understanding o weightliting outside o theory, and in the US
in particular without a traditional ethnic diet, we`re let standing on a desert island with a ile pro-
tein shake in hand, staring wistully across a small strait Flled with piranhas and sharks at a party
island replete with liters pushing weights o which we can only dream, drunk out o their skulls,
and eating delicious oods. lor the kids on message boards with sub 315 squats, the only answer is
DRUGS, LO1S Ol DRUGS`, because they`re giant retarded aginas with less understanding o
what it takes to get strong than my 5 year old ice cream-obsessed, white collar ather, who could
easily outlit 85 o message board posters simply because he`s a ucking man with ull grown tes-
ticles and a modicum o personal pride.
1he missing element in Lnglish speaking countries isn`t drugs, and though it`s partially related to
work ethic, that`s not it either. Instead, the missing element is the paucity o giant iron kettles con-
stantly Flled with stews that are consumed in massie quantities by men who could not Ft into their
girlriends` jeans.
"#'.B- %,E#.: 5$ '%$ (). $'.,(E $()6E# -.$50 "#'. ,- .#$ <%)+2$*8 '(7 .#,- ,- (). ' d)?$0
lor those o you with short attention spans, let`s run down a quick list o people who traditionally
eat stew and their concomitant skill at strength sports:
K6--,'(- '(7 N?%'(,'(-. 1hey eat stew by the bucketul, and they probably just recycle
their trophies and medals in weightliting at this point because theyè got nowhere to store the
ucking things.
@62E'%,'(-. Bulgarians hae, per capita, more trophies in Olympic weightliting than
any other country in history, in spite o the act that they lie in a tiny, landlocked, dour, cold,
poor country whose only traditional export is humongous mustaches. Like their ormer Lastern
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bloc comrades, they`re slurping down wheelbarrows ull o stews called moussaka and kaarma
24,,365.
3%'(,'(-0 Persian traditional cuisine is pretty much just kebebs and stew ,khoresht, with
a ariety o breads and rice. lor a small country, they hae a disproportionately massie number
o Olympic medals in weightliting and wrestling, and hae an incredibly long and rich history o
strongman and wrestling training called arzesh e bastani that literally could not hae existed in a
place wherein the diet wasn`t centered around their traditional are. Unlike the Indians, they neer
gae up on a meat-heay diet, so theyè been able to keep dominating strength sports while the
Indians hae languished in estrogen-ueled egetarian weakness.
"6%?-. Most o the meals cooked in the home start with meat-rich soup ollowed by thick
stews made with beans and minced meat. I you`re unaware, the 1urks always do well in Olympic
weightliting, and hae wiped the mats with oreign wrestlers since the dawn o man.
J6(E'%,'(-0 1hough you don`t think o lungary when you think o strength sports,
lungary has 20 medals in weightliting and a shitload in wrestling, in spite o the act that they
hae ewer people in their country than lie in Paris. 1heir secret Goulash by the bucket.
F6*) C%$-.2$%-0 All those motheruckers do is eat stew and drink beer when they`re not
training, and they aerage 412 lbs at 6`2`. \es, they`re at, but science says so what`, because
sumo wrestlers carry more lean body mass than bodybuilders ,Kondo,. 1he aerage sumo carries
only 26 bodyat, which means that that in contest shape they`d be stepping onto the bodybuilding
stage at 30.8 lbs.
3/$2'(7$%-0 Iceland has long been renown or its strongmen, all o whom credit their dis-
gusting Fsh stew as being the secret o their success.
O#,($-$0 1hough neither soup nor stew is a mainstay o the traditional Chinese diet, Chi-
nese weightliters eat loads a heay soup made o chicken and pork ribs, and they`re working oer
the lighter weight classes in Oly liting like they`re mini Mike 1ysons hanging beatings on Robin
Giens lookalikes.
I realize that due to the act that no renowned author has written at length about the utility o stew,
my contention here is likely being iewed with no small amount o skepticism. No bodybuilder
has eer touted the beneFts o stew, and it`s neer been said that any phenomenal American athlete
credited stew with their success. As such, stew could not possible be in ogue, because nowhere
are people more lemming-like than in \estern strength sports. As such, my theory begs more in-
estigation. Prepare yourseles or a act dump that makes your typical deuce dropping in German
scat porn seem positiely resered by comparison.
Stewed oods are probably as old as pottery, likely due to the act that stewing is a ery simple way
to cook a wide ariety o oods, and is perhaps the best method o retaining as much nutrition in
the cooked oods as possible. 1he Scythians, a tribe o man-eating, death dealing superhumans
who dominated the Russian steppes or centuries were huge ans o stewing, and would stew
their ood wheneer they weren`t sewing their enemies` scalps into horse blankets and capes. As
ingenious as they were pants-shittingly brutal, the Scythians were known to cook their ood by
put|ting| the nesh into an animal`s paunch, mix|ing| water with it, and boil| it like that oer the
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bone Fre. 1he bones burn ery well, and the paunch easily contains all the meat once it has been
stripped o. In this way an ox, or any other sacriFcial beast, is ingeniously made to boil itsel.`
,\iki, Ler ans o stewing, one neighboring tribe to the Scythians known as the Issedones would
walk their elderly men right into a crock pot and cook them up, then gild their skullcaps and use
them as drinking essels. Motheruckers back in the day knew how to throw a ucking party.
"#$ %$'-)(- +$#,(7 -.$5,(E '%$ -,*<2$A
none o the nutrients generally lost in drippings rom roasting or in the water rom boiling
are discarded- instead, they`re either cooked right back into the meat or remain intact in the broth.
meat loses less weight by being stewed than i cooked by any other method.
stewing denatures protein, making it ar more digestible ,hydrolyzed whey is denatured, or
instance,
or those o us who iew egetables as a necessary but horrible eil, you end up eating ar
more o them in stews than you would otherwise.
stews can be easily kept hot and reheated.
acrylamides ,cancer-causing agents in starchy oods, are not ormed in stewing.
As Ori lomekler states, stew is the balls. listory has taught us how to best prepare bee, Fsh,
and owl. Ancient Romans cooked protein oods in broth. 1hey oten mixed Fsh or meat with
eggies, grans and beans all together in one pot. 1he popular practice today o barbecuing or grill-
ing meat, which caramelizes or burns its surace, denatures the protein and creates toxins that are
widely belieed to be carcinogenic`,lomekler 3,. \hile Ori might not understand that denatur-
ing protein is oten actually a good thing, he has a point- there is a reason the greatest military o
the ancient world cooked the way they did- it worked, and it proided the army with the best nutri-
tion possible to ensure ictory on the battleFeld.
Beyond the aboe list, there is one other reason that you should be eating a wheelbarrow ull o
stew daily- history has shown that the biggest and strongest people on Larth eat stew with more
alacrity than a dog shows when drinking rom the toilet. Stew isn`t just ood- it`s stew-roids. 1ake,
or instance, the example o Icelandic strongmen. 1hese gigantic motheruckers buck the trend
o small bodies leading to long lie, as the Icelanders are second only to the Japanese in terms o
longeity, and are second in the world or males under the age o twenty. 1heir secret A stew
called kjotsupaor- a traditional lamb soup made o atty lamb, rutabaga, onion, carrot, celery,
cabbage, leeks, and a Fstul o rice. Icelandic strongmen credit this stew single-handedly with their
size and strength, and claim that this was the stew that made their Viking ancestors the skull-smash-
ing, cerix-displacing, monastery-burning behemoths they were. Currently, Icelandic strongmen
eat kjotsupaor beore, during, and ater training, and up to six times per day to uel their training
,Bourdain,. I you`re curious how it`s made, here`s a recipe:
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Pd).-6<';)%
\ield: 6-8 serings o kjotspa
Ingredients
2 1bsp. olie oil
1 tsp. Fnely chopped garlic
3 pounds lamb, on the bone ,thick chops or shoulder . whateer is cheapest!,
1 medium onion, sliced
1,3 cup brown rice ,traditionalists use rolled oats as an alternatie,
6 cups water
1,2 tsp. dried thyme
1,2 tsp. dried oregano
1,2 cabbage, roughly chopped
3 carrots, diced into 1,2` pieces
1,2 rutabaga, uniormly diced
1 cup caulinower norets ,optional,
4 potatoes, scrubbed well and diced into uniorm 1,2` pieces ,see alternatie note below,
Directions
1. In a large pot or dutch oen, brieny saut the garlic in the olie oil or 1-2 minutes oer
medium heat ,do not brown,. Add the lamb pieces and brown on all sides. Add the sliced onion to
the pot and saut ery lightly ,about 1 minute,, then pour in the brown rice and water. Raise heat
to high, bringing the soup to a low boil, allow to boil or 5 minutes, skimming away the roth as it
rises.
2. Reduce heat to medium, stir in dried thyme and oregano, coer pot, and cook or 40 min-
utes.
3. Add cabbage, carrots, rutabaga, caulinower ,i using,, and diced potatoes. Cook, coered, or
an additional 20 minutes, or until egetables are ork-tender.
4. Remoe meat and bones rom pot, chop meat coarsely, then return. \arm or an addition-
al 5 minutes. ,Alternatiely, some Icelanders will remoe the lamb and potatoes rom the pot and
sere these on a plate, separately rom the soup. I presenting the meal this way, chop the potatoes
into larger, 1` chunks,.
One bowl o kjotspa yields the ollowing nutrition:
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Perhaps Iceland isn`t your thing- you hate Vikings, preer samurai, and are the one ucking asshole
on Larth who thinks Deadliest \arrior got it right when they stated a Viking would lose 522 out
o 1000 Fghts to a samurai. Let`s look past the act that your parents hate you and want you out o
their basement, you were the smelly, paste-eating kid in school, and you likely hae neer been in a
FstFght, yet hae a black belt in some kind o useless karate. \e can get past that. Really. Actual-
ly, we can`t, and I hope someone sets you on Fre. Despite that act, you should still be eating stew
more oten than a 1920`s cartoon hobo, because that`s just about all sumo wrestlers eer eat, and
i youè already orgotten, scientists hae declared that sumo wrestlers carry the most lean body
mass o any humans on Larth, so it`s not as though they`re simply giant babies tottering around in
diapers.
1he stew, o which sumo wrestlers eat prodigious amounts, is called chankonabe, and is comprised
o tossed sliced tou, carrots, cabbages, leeks, potatoes, lotus roots, daikon radishes, shiitake mush-
rooms, and giant burdock in chicken broth. they wash all that down with massie amounts o beer
and saki, then take a nap to allow the massie meal to digest. Chanko is considered a sort o legal
steroid` in Japan- O all the perormance enhancers used in sports, it`s perhaps the oldest and
most enerated. Chanko dates to at least the late 19th century, when short-order cooks rom Niiga-
ta preecture Fxed meals or wrestlers. 1he word chan` ,regional dialect or ather`, was connated
with nabe,` the name or one-pot meals oten sered at the table. It`s the main course o a sumo
meal,` says Konishiki. All the sumo wrestlers hae to eat it, whether they like it or not`` ,Lidz,.
lere`s how chankonabe is made in 1okyo`s 1omoegata:
"'/#,9'*' O#'(?):W'+$ `"'/#,9'*'B- @$$; '(7 O#,/?$( J). >).R
Seres 4
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Ingredients
3 lbs. chicken bones
1 2.8-oz. package abura-age ,deep-ried tou,, cut into large pieces
1 cloe garlic, peeled
1,4 cup soy sauce
2 tbsp. mirin ,sweet rice wine,
Salt
1 medium waxy potato, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched
2` piece daikon, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched
1 small carrot, trimmed, peeled, sliced on the bias, and blanched
1 leek, white part only, trimmed, washed, and sliced on the bias
1,4 head napa cabbage, cored and cut into large pieces
4 shiitake mushrooms, stemmed
4 oz. shimeji mushrooms. trimmed and separated
4 oz. resh burdock root, trimmed, peeled, and shaed into long thin strips
10 oz. yaki-dou ,grilled tou,, haled lengthwise and cut into 1,2`-thick pieces
1,2lb. boneless chicken thighs. cut into thin strips
1,2 bunch chrysanthemum greens, trimmed
1,2 lb. ery thinly sliced prime rib eye o bee
1 lb. udon noodles
Directions
1. Bring a medium pot o water to a boil oer high heat. Put chicken bones and ried tou into
2 separate colanders set in sink and pour two-thirds o the boiling water oer the bones to rinse o
any impurities and the remaining boiling water oer the tou to rinse o excess oil. 1ranser bones
to the medium pot and set tou aside to drain.
2. Add garlic and 14 cups cold water to pot with bones and bring to a boil oer high heat,
skimming any oam that rises to the surace. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until broth
has reduced by one-third, about 21,2 hours. Strain broth into a clean, wide medium pot, discarding
solids, and skim o at.
3. At the table, set pot on a portable stoe in center o table, add soy sauce and mirin, season
to taste with salt, and bring to a simmer oer medium heat.
4. Add about one-third o the potatoes, daikon, carrots, leeks, cabbage, mushrooms, burdock,
grilled tou. chicken, ried tou, and chrysanthemum greens to simmering broth.
5. Cook until egetables begin to soten and chicken is just cooked through, about 5 minutes.
Add about one-third o the bee.
6. Simmer until just cooked through, about 1 minute.
. Once all the egetables, tou, chicken, greens, and bee hae been eaten, use a small siee
to pick out scraps. Bring remaining broth in pot back to a simmer, add noodles, and simmer until
cooked through, 6-8 minutes. Sere in indiidual bowls.
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One sering o Chankonabe yields the ollowing nutritional awesome:
As though the aboe inormation weren`t compelling enough, liters at Daid Rigert`s training camp
eat copious amounts o eal broth Flled with boiled meat and potatoes, Glenn Pendlay strongly
recommends that liters eat stew as a regular part o their diet, and the Chinese Olympic weight-
liting team eats chicken and pork rib soup as a staple o their diets. Lssentially, eeryone BU1
powerliters in the \estern world are eating stew all the lie long day, to their great beneFt. 1his is
a tragedy or us \esterners, but this tragedy can be aerted... with the liberal use o a crock pot and
a willingness to depart rom the norm. 1o gie you an idea o what it is you`re missing out on, here
is a bit o the nutritional inormation or some o the best choices or stew:
@$$; _)62'-# (6.%,.,)(A
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Page 4
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
@)%-/#. (6.%,.,)(A
Page 5
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
P#)%$-#. (6.%,.,)(A
@$$; O#,2, (6.%,.,)(A
As you can see, stew is pretty much the balls i you`re looking or a shitload o calories and a shit-
load o protein. Properly done, stew can obiate the need or a multiitamin, keep you ull, and Fll
you with the power o all o your iking ancestors currently drinking in Valhalla and awaiting your
arrial. lor those o you who are still in the get ripped` phase and not in the get huge mother-
ucker` phase o lie, stew might not be the best choice. lor anyone who`s looking to the coming
winter months with a twinkle in their eye and an idea about packing on some serious mass and
throwing around weights that would seem positiely antastical to the 150 lb. nutritional gurus on
the internet- time to start jacking some stew-roids so you can leae the world o bitch mode be-
hind.
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1lLRL`S NO SUCl 1lING AS 1OO MAN\ S1L\-ROIDS
Beore I start the second installment in this series, a warning- I you`re unaccustomed to eating
massie quantities o Fber, go RLALL\ easy on the beans i and when you make chili. Likewise,
taking it easy on spices might be a good idea, no matter how spicy you like your ood. the reason
behind this warning is that ater eating chili made with two cans o 1exas Rancheros beans, a cou-
ple o pounds o lean bee, and a shitload o poblano peppers, wasabi, habenero pepper sauce,
crushed red peppers, and ancho chili, Iè been running to the shitter shooting names rom my ass
or the last 14 hours, and am eeling not unlike I did when I had dysentery in China, though I am as
o yet not bleeding rom my asshole.
Quite rankly, the popularity o my stew idea has me taken a bit aback- I honestly belieed the
world at large would accuse me o haing holed up in my house, collecting my own urine and
ecal samples, and basically writing nonsense while liing ull-on loward lughes style. It appears,
howeer, that I`m onto something, so I beliee it behooes me to continue with my stew series- the
more I research, the more I discoer that the correlation between stew and gigantic, badass moth-
eruckers is 1:1, no matter where you are in the world. As it happens, my initial idea or eating stew
didn`t come rom my research, but rather arose out o my inquiry into the ideal bulking diet, as
Iè grown unbelieably weary o constant dieting and hae been looking around or a method by
which I can alter my diet and increase muscular mass without becoming one o the giant, at pieces
o shit you see waddling around most gyms in sweatshirts with cuto sleees and sweatpants that
appear to hae been new when llashdance was initially released on Laserdisc. Putting on a bit o
at in the pursuit o huge numbers is no issue- losing the appearance that I actually lit weights is.
As such, the traditional see ood` diet was not an option, nor was the hideous nonsense I reposted
rom Dae 1ate about eating pizza drenched in olie oil. Instead, I thought to look to how people
hae done it around the world in a logical, sensible, sane manner, though with a mode o execution
extreme enough to justiy its use with my training methodology. 1hat thought then sat on a dusty
shel in the back o my mind as I rummaged through it looking or odd bits and pieces or the new
nutrition ebook, and I`d occasionally catch a glimmer rom that abandoned shel that`d draw my at-
tention wheneer the word stew` popped up in a book or article. I then recalled Ori lomekler`s
bit on stew, which I posted in the last installment o this series, and the entire concept began to
congeal in my head. I`d already thought in the past that chili could be made into the ultimate ood,
and then it dawned upon me- there is no need to make it into the ultimate ood, because it already
is the ultimate ood. I did a bit o maths to conFrm this, and this is what I ound:
Assuming you make your chili with one pound o 93 lean bee, 425 grams o pinto beans,
425 grams o kidney beans, and a can each o tomato soup and diced tomatoes, you`re look-
ing at 2159 calories, 36g at, 301g o carbs ,o which 82g is Fber, so really it`s 219g carbs,,
and 168g o protein, all or around >6. 1hus, or maybe >16 bucks you could double that
and hae three protein shakes to top out around 5000 calories and 450 grams o protein.
Depending on how you look at it, you`re hitting a split o 50 carbs, 3 protein, 13 at without
deducting the Fber, or 42 carbs, 43 protein, 15 at with the Fber remoed rom the equa-
Page
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
tion ,which I do, because uck Fber,. Lither way, i you can`t grow on that shit, you`re not going
to grow on anything. Additionally, all o the health concerns constantly issuing orth rom the
mouths o your wies,girlriends,parents,coworkers are obiated by the act that you`re getting an
insanely balanced diet jam-packed with more ucking nutrition than you`d get just about any other
way.
lor those o you who are curious about my chili recipe, here it is:
D'*,$B- >'(.-:F#,..,(E F/)%/#$7 1(6- O#,2,
4 serings
Ingredients
2 lbs 93 lean ground bee
2 cans Bush`s Best 1exas Rancheros beans
Brown Bag Chili Mix
8 oz tomato sauce
5 poblano chilis, minced
6 1BSP Sriracha
4 tsp wasabi powder
4tsp habanero sauce
2 tbsp crushed red pepper
2 tsp ancho chili powder
2 tsp cayanne powder
Directions
Brown your meat. Add 8 oz can o tomato sauce. Add water by Flling that can twice right out o
your tap ,16 oz,. Mix thoroughly while adding our large packet o seasonings. Let simmer oer-
night in a crock pot.
1hough my Frst loe insoar as stew goes is chili, that`s not my Frst thought with stew. \hen I
think o stew, as a general rule, I think o the stew one sees in eery medieal moie, eer. 1here`s
inariably an iron kettle brimming with meat and potatoes simmering in the backdrop o any medi-
eal period piece, and that or roast meat are usually the only things you see eaten, along with bread.
1hat, Iè learned, is known as hunter`s stew, perpetual stew, and hobo stew, and it sounds like it`s
a gigantic Santa Claus bag o awesome. Basically, this type o stew, which was extremely common
een through the early part o the 20th Century in a lot o places, is whateer one can Fnd thrown
into a pot and slow cooked oer a Fre. 1he cool thing about the perpetual stew is that the pot ne-
er got emptied- as it was consumed, more random shit was thrown in- whateer meats, eggies, or
tubers they had lying around got chopped up and used. 1his is why stews are so ucking cool- you
can use endless ariations, and the quality o the meat is inconsequential because een the toughest,
stringiest cuts o meat are rendered tender by the slow-cooking process.
1hough that description likely conjures up images o hulking, brutish, unwashed and bloody men
slamming their orearms down on the table o a Flthy inn and screaming nagon o ale and meat!`
Page 8
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
at the top o their lungs, that type o a meal would hae been just as common in the medieal
era as it was in the Roman, the pre-Roman era o the Scythians, the early 20th century, and een
in modern Iceland, Japan, lungary, and elsewhere in non-Americanized countries. In act, the
stew-grain-alcohol combination o the medieal era was used with great success by the Saxon 1rio
o the early 20th Century and is the mainstay o the sumos and Russian strongmen- a healthy reiki-
shi may drink up to six pints o beer at a midday meal ,Scott,, Saxon was apparently weaned on
beer` ,he once drank 50 beers pre-perormance, and ate a tremendous amount o stew and soup
,Inch, and still perorm, and eeryone who`s eer lited in Russia has some tale o drunken de-
bauchery and sour cream-Flled bee stew. 1he amalgamation o alcohol, stewed meat, and grains
seems to hae arisen right out o the Middle Ages, as stew was reerred to as companaticum`,that
which goes with the bread`, and was thus nearly inariably sered with booze and bread ,\iki,.
I you`re curious, I managed to rustle up a medieal stew recipe to gie you an idea o what it was
those uckers had bubbling away in a cauldron awaiting the return o King Arthur and his men.
1he ollowing recipe comes rom a book that might be more aptly titled 00 \ears o Culinary lail-
ure, but the author instead went with 00 \ears o Lnglish Cooking, which while accurate lacks the
descriptie terms necessary to warn the reader o the culinary disasters bound within the pages o
the book.
=$7,$4'2 F<,/$7 @$$; F.$5
Seres 6-8
Ingredients
1.5kg lean braising steak, chopped into bite-size chunks
3 tbsp plain nour
Oil or rying
1,2 tsp ground cinnamon
1,4 tsp ground mace
1,8 tsp ,small pinch, ground cloes
4 black peppercorns, crushed
1,2 tsp cardamom pods, crushed and green pods discarded
1 large onion, Fnely chopped
6 large sprigs parsley, stalks and leaes Fnely chopped, plus extra to garnish
900ml bee stock
50g stale wholemeal bread, torn into small pieces
3 tbsp cider inegar
Pinch o saron threads
Directions
1. 1oss the bee with the nour to coat. Coer the base o a large casserole dish with a thin layer
o oil and place oer a medium high heat. Add the bee in batches and ry, stirring occasionally,
Page 9
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
until browned.
2. Return any browned bee to the pan with its juices. Add the spices, onion and parsley with
a splash o the stock and ry, stirring requently and scrapping up the crusty layer rom the bottom
o the pan with a wooden spoon, or about 5 minutes until the onions hae started to soten. Add
the rest o the stock with a pinch o salt and bring to a gentle boil. Coer, reduce the heat to low
and simmer or 2 hours, until the bee is tender.
3. Meanwhile, soak the bread in the inegar with the saron. Stir into the stew and simmer,
uncoered, or about 20 minutes until the bread has broken down and the stew is thick. 1aste and
season with salt and reshly ground black pepper. Sere with bread and buttered green egetables,
garnished with chopped resh parsley.
Obiously, that`s one stout ass meat soup. \hile it`s not really atty enough to be considered ully
keto, you could diet or a bodybuilding show on this stew and show up grainier than a camera-
phone pic rom 2001. Additionally, cinnamon isn`t just a dessert spice- it`s used a hell o a lot in
good chili recipes, and Fnds its way into damn near eerything Indian. It`s worth noting that cinna-
mon`s inclusion into any meal is usually a good idea, as cinnamon coners a ariety o health bene-
Fts you don`t get with other spices- cinnamon lowers blood sugar and cholesterol and may preent
yeast inections in those sad sacks whoè picked up the lIV on a trip to 1hailand or their local
bathhouse. As such, this stew is pretty much the ideal thing or anyone to eat rom time to time,
and eaten with a giant loa o brown bread and a liquor-Flled libation and youè got yoursel one
hell o a postworkout meal.
='/$7)(,'( F.$5
lrankly, the Macedonians hae done exactly uckall since conquering much o the known world,
but as a ormer title holder in the \orld Domination Championships, their ood deseres some
mention. As or sporting eents since then, theyè only been a country since 1996 ,they were part
o ormer \ugoslaia, and prior to that part o the Bulgarian Lmpire,, but hae pulled down a
number o medals in Olympic wrestling in spite o the act that their country is essentially six peo-
ple standing around a goat in the ass-end o Bulgaria. 1hough I didn`t een know there was a such
a thing as Macedonian cuisine prior to researching this, a restaurant in Indianapolis is amous or
their stew, which is o course Macedonian- John`s lamous Stew in Indianapolis. 1he stew, which is
called 1urli 1aa, is supposed to be the balls, and you can make it considerably hotter ,as the Mace-
donians are wont to do, by adding a bunch o lungarian wax peppers.
Quite rankly, I hae neer had a lungarian dish I ound the least bit spicy and could rinse my con-
tacts with the juice rom lungarian wax peppers, but Macedonians apparently loe em and think
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they`re capable o rendering stew spicy. 1hat aside, cranking up the heat on your stew is a damn
Fne reason, as the capsaicin in hot spices can burn body at with minimal potency, Fght innam-
mation with decent potency, and preent cancer with indeterminate potency` ,Lxamine.com,. I
you`re more inclined to use horseradish or wasabi, that works as well, as the isothiocyanates that
make the brassica amily spicy inhibits cancer growth. As such, you should do as the Macedonians
and lungarians do and spice the uck out o your ood. I you Fnd yoursel disinclined to do so,
consult the ollowing complete list o people who do not like spicy oods:
Pregnant women
Breasteeding mothers
Menstruating women
\omen on menopause
Children
Old People
Animals ,except Fsh, |Lditor`s note: I want proo o this.|
As Maddox says, this is a complete list o people who do not like spicy oods,so i you don`t like
spicy ood, you must one o the aboe listed. Animals, old people, and children can`t read, so I
guess that makes you a bitch` ,Maddox 68-69,.
"6%2, "'4'
Preheat oen to 400.
Ingredients
1 pound o mixed meat - pork and bee - cut in chunks or stew
Sea salt
reshly ground black pepper
1 medium onion, peeled and roughly chopped
3 cloes o garlic, minced
2 medium potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and roughly chopped
1 medium eggplant, stem remoed and roughly chopped
2 red or green bell peppers, stems and seeds remoed, roughly chopped
1 large tomato, roughly chopped
1 1,2 cups o okra, tops and tails cut o, blanched in salted water or 1 minute, rinsed and drained
,i unaailable replace with green beans,
1 tablespoon paprika
salt and pepper to taste
1,4 cup olie oil
1,2 cup water
Parsley, roughly chopped to garnish
Directions
1. Season eal, pork and chicken with salt and pepper and set inside the clay dish.
2. Mix in the egetables.
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3. Season with paprika, salt, and pepper.
4. Add in the olie oil and water, mix well.
5. Put it in the oen and cook it uncoered or 1 hour and 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
6. Garnish with parsley.
. Let cool or 20 minutes then sere it warm with crusty bread. Utensils not needed- this stu
is chunky enough to eat with your hands or chunks o bread, just the way Conan would hae done
it.
@62E'%,'( F.$5
Proided you`re an adult human being who lits weights and does not hae their head jammed so
ar up your own ass that you know what your own duodenum tastes like, the Bulgarians require no
introduction. Gien the spate o prolapsed rectum gobbling Iè noted ,with pleasure, on arious
porn sites, I suppose I might as well introduce them anyway. Long known as the swarthy asshole
o Lastern Lurope, Bulgaria emerged as an Olympic wrestling and weightliting powerhouse under
the beneolent eye o the Soiets. No country has amassed medals in those respectie sports as
hae the Bulgarians, a people as un-numerous as they are un-hirsute. Culturally, the Bulgarians are
hardly Russian, howeer- they`re a curious blend o Slaic, Celtic, and Greek innuences. 1he 1hra-
cians, one o the only Greek nations to stand with the Spartans at 1hermopylae, hailed rom what
is now Bulgaria, comprise the Greek` innuence, and combined with the 1urkic,lunnic Bulgars
and South Slas ,the rest o whom eentually ended up as \ugoslaia, to comprise the population
and culture o modern Bulgaria. Despite their astly disparate culturally dierent innuences, Bul-
garians eentually embodied a literal and Fguratie melting pot, which then took tangible orm on
the dinner table as a Bulgarian aorite-Monastery gyuetch.
=)('-.$%9 _964$./#
Ingredients
2 lbs bee
4 tomatoes, chopped
1,2 lbs mushrooms
1 cup rice
1 onion, chopped
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15 olies, whole
a bunch o parsley
2 tbsp egetable oil
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp sugar
2 1,2 cups bee stock
black pepper, paprika and salt
Directions
1. Cut the bee into cubes or small pieces and ry in a pan with a little oil or about 5 minutes
or until brown.
2. Add the onions, bee stock and paprika, 5 minutes later add the mushrooms and rice and
simmer or about 15 minutes.
3. Add the tomatoes, salt to taste, butter, sugar and olies, and cook or another 5 minutes.
Preheat oen to 400l.
4. 1ranser the content o the pan into a baking dish and cook or about 30 minutes. Sprinkle
with parsley and pepper beore sering.
5. Or you could sprinkle that with some parsley and pepper beore eating.
=')%, F.$5
\hen one thinks o the Maori, stew is likely not the Frst thing to come to their minds. lor those
o you who are unaware, the Maori are some o the hardest motheruckers to eer walk the Larth,
and earned their massie statures rom a diet so meat-heay that they eentually turned to canni-
balism to supplement their diets ater hunting most o the animals in New Zealand to extinction.
\hen I say massie` this is o course relatie- the aerage Maori male was about 5`8` prior to col-
onization, which was considerably taller than Luropeans o the time, and were much more heaily
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muscled, as the aerage Maori was generally between 10 and 200 lbs. Replete with a shitload o
badass tattoos and more bludgeoning weapons than one would like to see in hulking, heaily mus-
cled naties in a tropical paradise they wish to conquer, the Maori were the last major indigenous
group to all to Luropean colonization, holding out until the mid 19th Century ater eating more
Luropeans than a lrench cunnilingus specialist. As it is eerywhere else Iè mentioned, the main-
stay o the Maori diet was stew- in this case, the Maori Boil-Up. Unlike many o the other stews
Iè thus ar outlined, the Maori Boil up is interestingly Zone-ish- it`s almost exactly 33 protein,
33 at, and 33 carbohydrates. Gien that it`s still the mainstay o Maori cuisine and the act that
the All Blacks
dominate rugby harder than Max hardcore dominates skinny chicks` tonsils, it stands to reason we
could all stand to get a little Zone in our lies and rock this stew like it`s Inant Annihilator`s ull
length- all the lie long day.
=')%, @),2:N< `5,.# <)%? .$(7$%2),(8 .#)6E# .%'7,.,)('2 %$/,<$- E$($%'229 6-$ <)%? +)($-
'(7 <)%? ($/? '77$7 .) .#$ +%).#R
Serings: 6
Ingredients
4 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
1 lb pork tenderloin
2 bunches watercress
1 large kumara, peeled and chopped ,sweet potato,
1,2 large onion, peeled and chopped
3 green onions, sliced
6 cherry tomatoes
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon resh cilantro, chopped ,optional,
Doughboys
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, in pea sized pieces
1 cup nour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 pinch salt
1 pinch sugar
1,4-1,2 cup milk
Directions
1. Add stock, water and pork to pot, bring to a boil then coer and simmer or an hour.
2. Soak watercress in cold water or 10 minutes. ,1his remoes bitterness, Squeeze out mois-
ture and break into pieces. Set aside.
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3. Add kumara, onion, green onion and tomatoes to stock and simmer or 15 minutes.
4. Remoe pork and chop into pieces. Return meat to stock and boil or 5 minutes. Add salt
and watercress and simmer or 15 minutes.
5. Meanwhile make the doughboys. Cut butter into dry ingredients until it resembles coarse
cornmeal. Stir in enough milk to make a sti, slightly sticky dough.
6. Drop either teaspoon or tablespoon sized amounts o the doughboy mixture into the the
boiling pot, coer and cook or about 10-15 minutes. Don`t lit lid while cooking. Larger doughboys
will take a bit longer.
. Sere with a garnish o chopped cilantro.
C$2-# F.$5
\hen one thinks o \ales, they likely think o an incomprehensible language spoken by hill people
who spend their time ucking sheep, i they think o them at all. \hile that is, I`m told, unequi-
ocally true, the \elsh do hae a long history o badassery spanning back to prehistory. According
to a 15th century historian, 1he ancient Britons being naturally a warlike nation did no doubt or
the exercise o their youth in time o peace and to aoid idleness deise games o actiity where
each man might show his natural prowess and agility, as some or strength o the body by wrestling,
liting o heay burdens, others or the arm as in casting the bar, sledge, stone, or hurling the bawl
or ball, others that excelled in switness o oot, to win the praise therein by running, and surely
or the exercise o the parts aoresaid this cnapan was prudently inented, had the same contin-
ued without abuse thereo ` ,\iki, Cnapan, as it happens, is the orerunner to rugby union, the
game at which the Maoris excel. \hen the \elsh played it, it had ew rules, was played by teams
numbering oer a thousand a side, and oten resulted in serious injuries and death. As such, it`s
not played anymore, as no insurance company will coer the players. 1hus, the \elsh are let with
shit like strongman, stone liting, and lighland games, at all o which they excel. O the ormer
perhaps Gary 1aylor is the most well-known contestant, a six oot, 300 lb behemoth who won the
1993 \orld`s Strongest Man and who boasts a positiely ucking ridiculous behind the neck push
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press o 600 lbs. 1he rest o the \elsh are hardly pussies, as they boast some o the toughest
manhood stones in the British Isles- the Criccieth |390.5lb| and \sbyty Ian |300lb| stones. As I
understand it, stew is traditionally the most-consumed ood in \ales, and the most popular o the
stews is Cawl, so again, weè got some bad motheruckers sucking down stew like it`s cum in a
bukkake party.
C$2-# O'52
Seres six
Ingredients
6 x small \elsh lamb shanks
1.2L,2pts water
225g,8oz potatoes, peeled and diced
225g,8oz swede, peeled and diced
225g,8oz onion, peeled and chopped
225g,8oz carrots, peeled and diced
225g,8oz leek, cleaned and sliced thin
A bunch o herbs: Bay, thyme, rosemary and parsley
a small Saoy cabbage
2tbsp egetable oil
Salt and pepper
Directions
1. leat the egetable oil in a large pan, season the lamb shanks add to the pan together with
the onion and brown all oer ,you may hae to do this in batches i your pan is not large enough.
Pour oer the water and add the bunch o herbs. Bring to the boil then reduce the heat to a sim-
mer. Coer and cook or 40 minutes. Add all the egetables except or the cabbage, bring up to the
boil again, reduce to a simmer and cook or a urther 40 minutes. Shred the cabbage and add to the
cawl, cook or about 5 minutes, then sere.
2. Cawl can be made throughout the year, just adjust the egetables according to the sea-
son. Chopped runner bean, broad beans and peas are wonderul during early summer, add a little
chopped mint at the end o cooking.
3. During cooking the stock will reduce somewhat, so top up with more water, or some wine.
\ou may also wish to add pulses such as lentils, or beans, pearl barley is also good during the winter
months.
4. Substitute lamb with a piece o gammon, just make sure you soak it beore cooking. 1he
broth will make an excellent soup, add peas and resh mint.
5. Sere the gammon with creamed potatoes, broad beans and parsley sauce.
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Next time, we`ll close this one out when we hit up the Senegalese, Croats, Dutch,Belgians,South
Aricans, and Indians or the stew recipes that made them some o the meanest, baddest, most un-
orgiing motheruckers in the gods` cruel kingdom, and proe once and or all that there`s no ood
on the ucking planet that coners more badass, muscle building, ace melting, cerix displacing
nutrition than does a good old-ashioned stew.
S1L\-ROIDS lOR 1lL \IN
Beore I kick this one o, I`m going to post what I thought was a remarkably succinct obseration
on the popularity o this series, which I admit still has me rather nummoxed.
I can`t explain why your stew articles hae been well receied by eeryone, but I can explain
why I thought they were awesome. I liked the stew articles because they were a rallying cry
or a return to simplicity. Many things, I think, hae been oercomplicated in recent years,
liting and eating oremost among them. lor seeral decades now we hae endured a barrage
o connicting inormation: low carb,high protein, high carb,moderate protein, high at,
high protein, see ood,` paleo, keto, blah blah blah. I ound some o this interesting, but at
the end o the day, I can`t be bothered to actually ollow it. lor one, I`m not a strength or
muscular deelopment leel yet that would make any o those things make sense ,and some
o them don`t make sense to begin with,. lor another, did any o the strongmen o the past
ollow diets this restrictie I would imagine that most o them didn`t. 1he most common
point among all o them, aside rom the regular consumption o stew and beer, is the heay
consumption o meat. It seems to me that we would do better to look to the past ,or in this
case, to more sensible countries, when it comes to Fguring out how best to eat i you want
to get as big and strong as possible. And besides, while I am certainly aware that too much
o them isn`t good or me and while I know others will think dierently, personally I am
rather ond o some starch and egetables in my diet.
Page 8
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Also, the use o stews as you hae described them is appealing on a mental leel, and you
hae talked about the importance o the mental side o liting many times. 1hese kind o
traditional stews connect us to the past. \hen we deour a bowl o chankonabe we can
imagine in ourseles a kinship with the massie sumo, when eating kjotsupa or or medieal
spiced bee stew, we can imagine ourseles as the kin o burly, stone-liting, sword-swinging
barbarian warriors, when eating borscht we can imagine a connection to gigantic Russian
and Ukrainian badasses who are as strong as the ox that went into that borscht, when eating
monastery gyuetch we can recall Bulgaria`s impressie accomplishments in weightliting,
when we eat lungarian goulash, we can recall the history o lungarian badassery, starting
rom Attila through the Magyars down all the way to their success at wrestling and weight-
liting that seems out o proportion to their population and their national wealth, when we
east on a bowl o khoresht, we can do so thinking that the legendary Rostam e Dastan ate
the same thing beore striding orth to do something epic. By recalling the past, whether it is
our own or someone else`s, we can better imagine what kind o uture we will build. A man
with no past does not know who he is. I he does not know who he is, how can he be ex-
pected to act intelligently \estern liters are like that. \e don`t know who we are anymore.
Our ties with our past is rayed. \e do not hae a ery strong national liting culture. 1here
are localized instances o strength culture, but een these are not thriing as well as we might
wish. \e must build up a culture that celebrates strength, or its own sake and or use, while
at the same time recalling to mind the strength cultures o the past, indeed, we cannot build
new ones without remembering the old ones.`
\hether or not it`s correct, it`s certainly one o the more well-written and thoughtul emails Iè
eer receied. lad I known initially how popular this series would be, I`d hae been writing about
stews since I started this blog. Apparently, people could not loe a human baby as much as they
loe stew, een in the middle o the summer. I lie in Satan`s 1aint, South Carolina, or instance,
and eat stew daily in spite o the act that it`s so hot that my dog appears to just be looking or a
place to lay down and die when we go or walks and the air is so thick with humidity you can ball it
up and eat the shit. \hen wintertime rolls around, I doubt there`ll be anything better than stew to
stae o catabolism in the cold, but een in the summer it`s deFnitely worth eating at least once a
day or the ridiculous nutritional content. Additionally, I`m Fnding that stew`s pretty ucking good
cold, and hae thus gien up on reheating it while it`s hot so as not to drop dead o heat exhaustion
while eating.
M'/.A b,?,(E 5)*$( 5$%$ )//'-,)('229 ,*<%$E('.$7 +9 ().#,(E *)%$ .#'( ' #'(7-#'?$8 -)
4,%,2$ 5$%$ .#$ *$( ';.$% $'.,(E W)%-$ -.$5-0
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As weè seen thus ar, pretty much eer corner o the Larth has a stew dish that`s immensely pop-
ular, and as I mentioned in the last installment, the best thing o all about stew is that you can make
it out o just about anything. 1hus, Iè been experimenting a bit with some simple stews one can
make without going to much, i any eort. One such stew ,which is delicious cold, I might add, is
one I made in about Fe minutes, haing only to brown the stew meat I added and then dump all
o the ingredients.
D'*,$B- D$-6- M6/?8 3B* \']9 F.$5
Seres: 3
Ingredients
1 lb browned stew meat
1,6 bag Bee llaored 15 Bean Soup
1 can Progresso Bee Barley Soup
1 can Progresso Lentil and Andoulle Soup
Directions
Soak beans oernight in water. Drain the water ater soaking ,this gets rid o the lectins and other
nasty shit in beans,.
Brown the meat in a pan with a bit o oil, seasoning liberally with mojo, chipotle, curry, and adobo.
Dump meat and drippings into crock put with eerything else.
Simmer or a ew hours
Nutrition per sering
Protein: 46g
lat: 15.8
Carbs: 43.g
liber: 11.98g
Clearly, it gets no ucking easier than that, and gien that it tastes badass cold, there`s no reason
not to just bring this shit eerywhere you go. Iè more or less abandoned shakes o late out o
boredom with them and loe o eating real ood, and the simplicity o stew`s prep and ease o its
transport makes my lie immeasurably better. One more day o 6 protein shakes and I was going
to hae to ram my Fst down someone`s throat and strangle their soul out o misplaced rage. \ell,
not that misplaced- in the last 6 months Iè discoered that there is a considerable portion o the
population who cannot een address a ucking enelope, which makes me eel like we need a ew
more Chechens motiated enough to ning bombs at random passers by. In any eent, we`ll take
one more pass through the world`s stews beore I lay this series to rest like the super-nogged dead
horse it is. I there`s anyone out there who remains unconinced that stew`s ucking magical, noth-
ing on Larth will do so at this point.
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O%)'.,'( F.$5
lor the unaware or uninitiated, one might think that the Croats hae about as much to do with
awesome as a dairy cow has to do with lubble 1elescope repair. 1hough theyè had some un-
seemly anger management issues in recent years, the Croats hae been hard motheruckers since
time immemorial. Beginning as the Alans, one o the Sarmatian tribes that droe the man-eating,
scalp-taking Scythians out o existence and dominated all o southern Russia rom China to the
Ukraine. In the early part o the 1st century AD, the Alans controlled the Sarmatian conederation
and ucked eery group o sword-waing lunatics the ancient world had to oer in the ear on a dai-
ly basis, wrecking the Parthians or un and annoying the Romans as a matter o course. Later, they
moed into what`s now known as Croatia and managed to impress eeryone around them enough
to get the massie empires between whom they were wedged to leae them alone just by baring
their ucking teeth and nexing a bicep or two.
laing established the Croats come rom a long line o hard people, you need only look to three
modern Croats or proo o the power o their stew- Joseph 1ito, tho only man to tell Stalin to
go uck himsel and lie, Mirko Crocop, the only proessional Fghter o whom I know to hold
political oFce while knocking motheruckers out with high kicks on the weekend, and the Great
Antonio, one o the coolest and most insane strongmen o whom youè neer heard but who you
should deFnitely check out here. laing hung out with a Croat mercenary in Vienna quite a bit
,and haing done a lot o Brazilian jiujitsu on the noors o bars with him,, I can personally attest to
their awesome, and o their loe or Jota`, the stew-roids source o Croatian physical prowess.
O%)'.,'( D).'
Seres 4
Ingredients
200g beans
500g sauerkraut
300g potatoes
500g dried ribs
200g dried bacon
ew chopped home made pork sausages
3 heads o garlic
salt
\hole peppercorn
2 resh bay leaes ,which apparently preents bean arts,
Directions
1. Cook the beans shortly, dry them, and let them cook again.
2. Cook cabbage and ribs separately.
3. \hen beans are hal sot, add them ,witht he water, to cabbage and ribs.
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4. Add Laurel leaes, pepper, salt, and chopped bacon,sausages, and garlic.
5. Slice the potato to little cubes and cook it until it all sotens.
6. 1ake out the ribs and sere them on side with the stew.
1his is a 4 person sering, but women apparently rarely eat meat and ribs and most oten leae it
or men to grab, which sucks or the broads but is awesome or the guys hanging out with them.
On second thought, gien that this is what Croatian broads look like, they can keep passing us the
meat:
Page 92
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3(7,'( F.$5
Anyone amiliar with my stu should already be acquainted with the badassery o the Indian
athletes o yore. Indian wrestlers were renown or being unbeatable in the last century, and their
strongmen in the 19th and early 20th Centuries were some o the best in the world. 1hough it`s
not requently discussed, a quick watch o Anthony Bourdain`s No Reserations Indian episodes
or my blog on Indian diet shows that meat has been a mainstay o the Indian diet right up until the
modern era ,not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with the period when they started getting their
shit pushed in by colonialists,, and continues to be so or the biggest and the baddest motheruck-
ers in India. 1hus, I gie you the most popular o India`s meat stews ,at least insoar as I under-
stand it,- indaloo.
O#,/?$( b,(7'2))
Serings: 4-6
Ingredients
b,(7'2)) >'-.$
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 or 2 tsp Garam Masala
1,4 tsp ground cinnamon ,you can add more cinnamon, but i can be oer-powering, so be careul,
2 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp cayenne pepper
2cm cube o peeled ginger
3 tbsp white wine inegar
1 tsp sugar
b,(7'2)) @'-$
150ml egetable oil
4-8 garlic cloes, crushed or blended
3 red onions, sliced Fnely or preerably blended
X.#$% 3(E%$7,$(.-
4- red chillies, chopped Fnely. 1his is what gies the heat, so you can use less i you like and also
de-seed beore chopping i you want to make a milder indaloo ,but why,
4 skinless chicken breasts cut into bite size pieces
500g good quality chopped tomatoes or chopped tinned tomatoes
1-2 tbsp o tomato puree to taste
1-4 tsp lot Chili Powder to taste - 1his is optional and i you do want to make it hotter, I`d sug-
gest adding a bit at a time
Salt and pepper to taste
Page 93
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Directions
1. Grate or slice the ginger Fnely and add the cumin, cinnamon, mustard, coriander turmeric,
garam masala and cayenne pepper into a bowl and add the inegar and sugar and mix thoroughly.
2. leat the oil in a wok or large rying pan. Add the garlic and the onion and cook oer a medi-
um heat until they hae sotened or approx 5- mins, but take care not to let them burn or brown
too much.
3. Once the onion and garlic hae sotened, add the chicken pieces and cook or approx 2-3
minutes until the chicken starts to colour.
4. Now add the chillies, tomatoes, tomato pure, and begin to stir in the pre-prepared Vindaloo
paste.
5. Add salt and pepper to taste, and bring to the boil. Once boiling, lower the heat and simmer
whilst stirring occasionally or approx 1 hour. during this period, it`s important not to let the chick-
en indaloo dry out, so add a 1,2 cup o water as necessary. I you do want to make it hotter than
the recipe, then during the simmering time is the right time to gradually add the chilli powder to
taste.
I you wanted to be traditional, you would ideally sere this Chicken Vindaloo with pilau rice, cha-
pattis, or Naan bread - I especially like some o the Garlic and Coriander Naan`s that are aailable
rom most supermarkets, although i you were a bit more adenturous, you could try to make your
own.
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H6./#iF)6.# 1;%,/'(i@$2E,'( F.$5
Beore the Dutch just decided to throw down their weapons and surrender to anyone with a water
gun ,as they hae been wont to do o late,, they actually rolled airly hard. Not hard in a Cossack
sort o way, but hard in a lording-intelligence-oer-eeryone-while-pointing-a-.44 Magnum-at-
their-aces-and-telling-some-broad-to-get-her-tongue-urther-up-their-ass-or-eeryone-dies sort
o way. 1he Belgians and Dutch hae long had good bodybuilders and strongmen, and the South
Aricans hae rolled hard at eerything theyè eer done, eer. Dutchmen Ab \olders, or in-
stance, was a perennial runner up at the \orld`s Strongest Man in the 1980s, and Pierre Van Den
Steen blew eeryone around the same time away with his ridiculous leanness. South Arica boasts
Gerrit Badenhorst, requent \SM competitor and ormer champion powerliter, in addition to
Arnold Schwarzennegger`s idol- ormer champion bodybuilder and all around badass Reg Park.
Clearly, anyone speaking Dutch or an oshoot thereo has a reasonable chance o being a hard
motherucker, especially when one actors in such badasses as the Rhodesian Seleous Scouts and
SAS. 1heir stewroid o choice was \aterzooi, which might be the oddest o all o the stews thus
detailed due to the act that it`s pretty much a meat-heay cream soup.
C'.$%])),
Ingredients
1 whole large chicken
4 carrots
3 celery stalks
4 shallots or small onions
Parsley
1 sprig resh thyme
1 bay lea
Salt and reshly ground black pepper
2 leeks
400 grams mushrooms ,about 14 ounces,
4 egg yolks
1 cup cream
1 lemon, juiced
2 tablespoon butter
Pinch nutmeg
Directions
Preparation or the stock:
1. Place the chicken in a pot o water, coering the chicken entirely.
2. Add 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, and 1 onion, cut into approximately 1-inch pieces.
3. Add parsley, thyme and a bay lea and poach until chicken is cooked. Add salt and pepper, to
taste.
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Preparation o the stew:
1. Cut the remaining carrots, celery, onions into 1-inch sticks and place them in a saucepan with
water to coer.
2. Cut the leeks into 1-inch sticks, slice the mushrooms and add to saucepan.
3. Parboil egetables in salted water.
4. 1ake out the chicken when poached ,no red color must be seen under the skin, and discard
egetables rom stock.
5. Strain the chicken stock through a Fne siee.
6. 1ake the skin o o the chicken and cut chicken into 8 pieces.
. Put the chicken and the parboiled egetables into the stock.
8. Mix the egg yolks with the cream and add to the stock.
9. Add the lemon juice and butter. Season with salt, pepper and nutmeg.
Sere in soup plates with boiled potatoes or white steamed rice.
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F$($E'2$-$ F.$5
\hen most o us think o Arica, we deFnitely don`t imagine a bunch o jacked dudes beating the
brakes o each other in a dirt pit like they`re in a paleolithic Fght club. Instead, it`s much more
likely we imagine two hal-stared thirteen year-olds blabbering bullshit about Allah while com-
mitting numerous atrocities as part o a daily ritual to lay hands on a bag o moldy rice. 1hough
neither the introduction o Islam or \estern colonization has done a motherucking thing other
than make the lies o Aricans immeasurably worse, theyè managed to hold on to some o the
tribal shit they did prior to the inasions o the aorementioned naming assholes that made them
so ucking cool back in the day. One such tradition is Senegalese wrestling, known in Senegal as
laamb, which is by ar and away the most popular sport in the country and has recently drawn the
attention o the \est. As you can see aboe, the lack o modern training acilities isn`t hurting the
physiques o the Senegalese, and their strength is attributed to brutal basic training and the dish
considered to be the Senegalese national nag, Ceebu Jenn. Ceebu Jenn is, o course, a stew, and is
the most commonly consumed dish in Senegal and is the preerred uel or the hours-daily training
or laamb.
F$($E'2$-$ "#,$+)67,$(($ i O$$+6 D$((
Seres: 8-12
Ingredients
3 1ilapia cleaned and cut into 4 pieces each
3 branches o parsley Fnely chopped
3 branches o cilantro Fnely chopped
3 bay leaes
1 tablespoon o thyme
3 green onions Fnely chopped,
2 tablespoon o Aro lusion Cuisines` All Purpose Seasoning
4 ounces o tomato paste
2 plum tomatoes Fnely chopped
3 medium onions Fnely chopped
3 lb broken rice ,broken one once or twice,
1 cup o oil
salt , black pepper
Vegetables o your choices
2 large carrots root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 eggplant root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 cassaa or yucca root cut into 4 inches pieces
3 okra
Instructions
1. Clean the Fsh ery well and set aside
Page 9
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
2. Prepare the special marinade called Nokoss` by mixing in a blender all your spices and
herbs
3. \ith a sharp small knie make small cut on the Fsh. Using ' o your marinade in step 2
stued the Fsh and immediately broil or ry then set aside
4. Parboil or steam your rice and set aside
5. In a heated pot, using 4 tablespoon o the oil used to ry your Fsh, put a dash o salt , add
onion, tomato paste and plum tomatoes ,cook or 5-mn stirring, .
6. Add 6 cups o water to the pot, add the cut eggies, add the Fsh already ried and lastly add
. 1he remaining hal o the marinade Let simmer or 15 minutes or the Fsh and Juices to
blend
8. Remoe the Fsh roe rom the pot and start plating
9. 1hen remoe rom the sauce the cooked eggies and add it to the plate.
10. Add the pre-cooked or steamed broken rice to the boiling sauce
11. Put the Fre on low and let it reduce.should take about 15-30 mins depending on the nature
o your rice. \our 1hieboudienne is ready!
W,E$%,'( F.$5
Like Senegal, Nigeria`s got a tribal sport that make the iolent games we grew up with, like Kill the
Cow, or instance, look as iolent as a no-touch game o pattycake- dambe. Dudes who compete
in dambe throw more haymakers than drunken hillbillies at a Kenny Chesney concert, and just like
those hillbillies throw them with just one hand. In act, a quick google search appears to show that
the haymaker is the sole strike employed in dambe Fghting, which apparently only ends when you
remoe someone`s head Mortal Kombat-style with a punch telegraphed rom 1880`s London. Ater
watching a couple o ideos, the parallels between hillbillies and dambe end, because while hillbil-
lies hurt each other as inrequently in Fghts as do dambe Fghters, hillbillies lack both the intellect
and the nexibility necessary to throw the occasional kick you`re likely to see in dambe. Neerthe-
less, any sport in which the participants rock out Art One Gloe` Jimmerson style as i they`re
in the Frst UlC is all right by me. 1he ood o choice or these hilarious tribal combatants \ou
guessed it- motherucking stew.
W,E$%,'( @$$; '(7 O#,/?$( F.$5
Seres 10
lresh Plum 1omatoes ,reerred to as Jos 1omatoes in Nigeria, - 1.5kg
1inned tomato paste: 600g ,or watery tinned 1omato Puree: 1.2kg,
Vegetable Oil: a generous amount ,see this ideo,
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\hole Chicken ,hen, - 1.2kg
Bee: 15 pieces o medium cuts
Onions: 2-3 medium bulbs
labanero Pepper & Salt ,to taste,
Seasoning: 3 large stock cubes & 1hyme ,2 teaspoons,
Notes on the Ingredients
Chicken: len ,emale chicken, is tastier than the cockerel or rooster so it is the preerred
chicken when cooking all Nigerian recipes. Lach o the dierent parts o the chicken ,wings,
drumsticks, hips etc, has its own unique taste and all these together makes the stew ,and in act all
your cooking, taste better than i you use only one part o a chicken.
1omato Stew is resh puree tomato and the tinned tomato paste that has been boiled and
ried to remoe all traces o water and the sour taste o tomatoes. It is the base or the Nigerian
Bee & Chicken Stew.
Directions or the 1omato Stew Base
1. Grind , Blend the chilli pepper and cut the onions into small pieces beore you cook 1oma-
to Stew
2. \ash and blend the resh plum tomatoes. Remember to remoe the seeds unless you are
sure your blender can grind them ery well.
3. I using the thick tinned tomato paste that is common in Nigeria, mix it with cold water to
get a soter consistency. See the ideo below or how I did this.
4. I you are using the watery tinned tomato puree that is common in Lurope and other parts
o the world, open the tins or packets and set these aside, you`ll need them soon.
5. Cut the onions into small pieces.
Directions or the rest
1. Pour the resh tomato blend into a pot and cook at high heat till almost all the water has
dried. I you hae the watery tinned,boxed tomato puree, add these to the pot and reduce the heat
to low. Cook till the water in the tomato puree hae dried as much as possible.
2. Add the egetable oil, the chopped onions and the thick tomato puree that you mixed in step
2 aboe ,i it`s the puree you are using,. Stir ery well.
3. lry at ery low heat and stir at short interals till the oil has completely separated rom the
tomato puree. A well ried tomato puree will also hae streaks o oil, unlike when you Frst added
the oil and it was a smooth mix o the tomato puree and oil. 1aste the ried tomato puree to make
sure that the raw tomato taste is gone. \ith time and experience, you can een tell that the tomato
puree is well ried rom the aroma alone.
4. I you are happy with the taste and you are sure that all the water has dried as much as possi-
ble, pour out the excess egetable oil like I did in this ideo, then use it in your cooking.
5. I you are not using it immediately, leae to cool down, dish in containers and store in the
reezer.
6. Cut up the chicken and cook with hal o the chopped onions, stock cubes and thyme.
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\hen the chicken is almost done, add the bee and cook till well done. 1hen add salt, allow to
simmer or about 5 minutes, transer to a siee to drain. Grill or ry the chicken and bee. 1his is
optional but it gies them a rich golden look.
W).$- '+)6. /))?,(E .#$ /#,/?$(A Add water up to the leel o the contents o the pot when
cooking the chicken. \hen cooking chicken, do not add salt to the raw chicken. 1his is because
salt closes the pores o the chicken ,and in act anything you are cooking,, this preents the natural
naor o the chicken rom coming out into the surrounding water and preents the seasoning rom
entering the chicken to improe the taste. 1he result is that your chicken stock will not hae a rich
natural taste. It will only hae an artiFcial taste o seasoning. Only add salt when the chicken is
done
. \hen you are happy that the tomatoes in your tomato stew are well-ried, pour out the ex-
cess oil.
8. Place the pot o tomato stew back on the stoe and add the chicken stock ,water rom cook-
ing the chicken,. 1here may be tiny pieces o bones at the bottom so be careul not to add those.
9. Add the chilli pepper and the grilled chicken and bee. Stir ery well and add salt i neces-
sary. \ou can also add some water at this point i the stew is too thick.
10. Coer the pot and cook at medium heat till the contents o the pot is well steamed. Stir
again and you are done.
P)%$'( F.$5
1hough they`re not all that well known or being jacked or strong, Koreans eat burn-your-asshole-
spicy soups and stews or almost eery single meal. Gien that they`re chugging stewroids all the
lie-long day, it won`t surprise you that Koreans are not the tiny yellow pussies they`re generally
credited with being. Instead, Koreans hae a long lineage o being hard motheruckers, as Korea
is essentially the Poland o Asia- jammed between China and Japan, theyè had to Fght constantly
or their entire existence to ensure that neither country was able to orce them into a massie gimp
suit and rape them with a horse dick-sized dildo until they`re bleeding out o their eyes. 1o that
end, the Koreans hae ocused more on martial prowess than strength, and hae become some
o the hardest hand-to-hand Fghters in the world. Currently Koreans are representing hard in
K-1 and the UlC, boast the unbelieably badass Mas Oyama as one o their own, and hae pulled
down a shitload o medals in judo ,40,, taekwondo ,14,, boxing ,20,, wrestling ,35,, and weightlit-
ing ,11,, in spite o the act their country has only 49 million inhabitants and has only existed as a
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
country since 1948 ,which means theyè basically got twice as many medals in those sports as the
US when you account or longeity and population,. Stew appears, once more, to be the nutrition-
al ormula or success i you want to be a ucking badass. Gien the requency with which they eat
stew, it`s hard to pick a single recipe or their stewroid o choice. As such, I`m picking my aorite,
as I could not loe a human baby as much as I loe bulgogi. In act, I will only consider mysel
wealthy when and i I can hire a Korean man to ollow me eerywhere i go with a hibachi, con-
stantly grilling bulgogi or my consumption.
@62E)E, D6(E)2
Seres: 4
Ingredients
2 cups marinated bulgogi
1 onion, cut into strips
2 scallions, chopped
Carrots, cut into strips
1,2 cup bean sprouts
Other bite-sized egetables ,preerable colorul, like peppers and broccoli
1 cup water
1 cup mushrooms o your choice ,enoki, shiitake, button or a combination,
1 block tou
Salt or soy sauce to taste
Noodles, cellophane,dangmyun,sweet potato ,optional,
Directions
1. In a soup pot or a large wok, stir ry marinated bulgogi and onion,s, or a couple minutes.
Put ALL the marinade into the pot, do not discard any liquid.
2. Add egetables ,except or mushrooms, and coer with water.
3. Bring to a boil.
4. Reduce to a low simmer.
5. Ater 5 minutes, add mushrooms, tou, and scallions.
6. 1urn o ater 3-4 minutes.
. Season to taste with salt and soy sauce.
8. I adding noodles, add cellphane ,dangmyun, with the mushrooms or add pre-cooked noo-
dles at the end.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
And there you hae it- stew is the ucking balls. It`s easy to make, easy to transport, and generally
the shit. Like the guy who emailed me stated aboe, most people make diet and training way too
ucking complicated. \ou don`t need a calculator or an Lxcel spreadsheet to get jacked. \ou don`t
need gurus telling you what to do, how to eat, or what to think- this shit is too ucking simple. I
you`re a person who really needs guidelines because you`re nearly retarded, eat twice your body-
weight in protein, make those calories hal your daily intake, and i you want to lean out, keep your
carbs low and ats high. I you want to gain weight, split your calories between carbs and ats or
the second hal o your caloric intake and eat more total calories. It`s not as though Arthur Saxon
or Larle Liederman deled deep into programming and diet- they trained heay, ate a metric uck-
ton o ood ,including a lot o stew,, and drank their aces o, just like the Russians, linns, sumo,
and Icelanders do now. Moreoer, i the Indians and Senegalese can get jacked in third world
enironments with this type o diet, so can you. Stop thinking about it and just do it- this shit is too
simple to uck up.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
!"#,- ,- .%6$A .#$ 5)%27 ,- +$..$% );; 5,.# -)*$ <$)<2$ E)($0 X6% 2,4$-
'%$ (). '22 ,(.$%/)(($/.$70 "#'. .#$)%9 ,- /%)/?0 F)*$ <$)<2$ .%629 7)
not need to be here.
VLGL1ARIANISM,VLGANISM
Ov 1egavi.v
Gien that Iè already dealt with eganism in my Skinny Bitch` blog, I`d think that egans would
stay the uck out o my blog, but eidently, that`s not the case. Disliking meat is un-American,
inhuman, and downright ucking stupid. lor the record, my issue is not with egans due to their
choice o diets, which while stupid, could simply be the result o a misunderstanding o the human
being`s place in the ood chain, and an odd, quasi-sexual loe or other animals. My issue lies with
their insistence upon proselytizing their idiotic eating regimen, and the perpetuation o outright
lies in regards to human biology, the biology o other great apes, physiology, the entire process o
digestion, and human eolution. As such, allow me to clariy a ew points.
b$E'(,-* ,- .#$ )6.E%)5.# ); .#$ ,(/%$7,+29 7$26-,)('28 '(.,:-$^8 '(.,:;6(8 $4'(E$2,/'2
O#%,-.,'( *)4$*$(.- ); .#$ QY.# /$(.6%90 F$4$(.# H'9 '74$(.,-.- <%)*).$7 4$E$.'%,'( '(7
proto-vegan diets as a method of purifying themselves and making themselves asexual.
"#,-8 )( ,.B- ;'/$8 ,- ;6/?,(E -.6<,70 "#$9B4$ -,(/$ 7%)<<$7 .#$,% %$2,E,)6- ]$'2).%9 '(7 '<:
<2,$7 .#'. 5,27:$9$7 ;$%4)% .) <%)*).,(E .#$,% 7)E*'.,-*8 ,( .#$ ;'/$ ); -/,$(/$ '(7 %$'2,.9
,( E$($%'20

Some common egan,egetarian lies:
Andreas Cahling, Bill Pearl, Steve Reeves, and 1ony Gonzalez was/are vegetarians. A
simple google search will show that or all intents and purposes, Pearl and Reees consumed diets
that consisted mostly o milk and cheese. Pearl ate a couple o dozen eggs a day. Reees ate meat
regularly. 1ony Gonzalez quit eganism within one season o attempting it,Fnding it let him too
weak to perorm.
Meat putrees in your intestines. Really I you don`t see that this is patently untrue on its
ace, you might be mentally retarded. 1he total time it takes or a meal to take the entire jour-
ney depends on what was eaten. 1he time it takes to ully digest a meal is anywhere rom 2 hours
to oer 24 hours.` ,http:,,www.online-health-source.ino,Digestie-System,Intro-1o-1he-lu-
man-Digestie-System,, \eè known or an extended period o time that meat does not putrey
in one day- in act, meat takes nearly a month to rot.
Humans are evolved to be herbivores. 1his one is classic, and by classic, I mean insanely
ucking retarded.
Like the hard-core carniores, we hae airly simple digestie systems well suited to the
consumption o animal protein, which breaks down quickly. Contrary to what your maga-
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
zine article says, the human small intestine, at 23 eet, is a little under eight times body length
,assuming a mouth-to-anus body length` o three eet,. 1his is about midway between cats
,three times body length,, dogs ,3-1,2 times,, and other well-known meat eaters on the one
hand and plant eaters such as cattle ,20 to 1, and horses ,12 to 1, on the other. 1his tends to
support the idea that we are omniores.
lerbiores also hae a ariety o specialized digestie organs capable o breaking down
cellulose, the main component o plant tissue. lumans Fnd cellulose totally indigestible,
and een plant eaters hae to take their time with it. I you were a ruminant ,cud eater,, or
instance, you might hae a stomach with our compartments, enabling you to cough up last
night`s alala and chew on it all oer again.
Or you might hae an enlarged cecum, a sac attached to the intestines, where rabbits and
such store ood until their intestinal bacteria hae time to do their stu. Digestion in such
cases takes place by a process o ermentation--bacteria actually eat` the cellulose and the
host animal consumes what results, namely bacteria dung.` ,Straight Dope, \ou know why
dogs are man`s best riend Because their digestie tract is more like our own than any other
animal on Larth. As such, humans and dogs naturally ound themseles competing or the
same ood, and deeloped a symbiosis to do so. By the way, eolutionary scientists draw a
direct link between meat eating and expansion o homo sapiens` brain size- was this new
meat diet, ull o densely-packed nutrients, that proided the catalyst or human eolution,
particularly the growth o the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet.
\ithout meat, said Milton, it`s unlikely that proto humans could hae secured enough energy
and nutrition rom the plants aailable in their Arican enironment at that time to eole
into the actie, sociable, intelligent creatures they became. Receding orests would hae de-
pried them o the more nutritious leaes and ruits that orest-dwelling primates surie on,
said Milton.
ler thesis complements the discoery last month by UC Berkeley proessor 1im \hite and
others that early human species were butchering and eating animal meat as long ago as 2.5
million years. Milton`s article integrates dietary strategy with the eolution o human physiol-
ogy to argue that meat eating was routine. It is published this month in the journal Lolu-
tionary Anthropology` ,Vol.8, 41,` ,Uniersity o Caliornia, Berkeley,` ,Adams,.
Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean you should. Some ucking retard
posted a pic o a single jacked guy who`s been a egetarian or a ew years. \ippee. le managed,
against all odds, to build muscle on a egan diet. 1hat`s not to say that it`s a good idea, or a good
diet. Peter the Great once drank a shot o odka eery 15 minutes or 8 days straight and some-
how lied through it. Shall we attempt that one as well lrankly, I`d rather do just ucking that.
VLGL1ARIANISM AND VLGANISM: 1be e.t vaicator. of erere Mevtat ttve.. ivce
tbe 1ivfoit at
\hen I lied in 1ucson, I was entertained on my daily walk to and rom class eeryday by a woman
who seems to hae been the pererse conjuring o lG \ells and Charles Dickens, and then basted
in a delicious Alex Jones-esque broth o irrationality. 1he woman, whose name I neer obtained,
Page 104
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
spent her days not panhandling, and not een badgering passersby, but actually screaming at them
until they threw money at her and ned in terror. She had Fled her teeth to points, had a tan deeper
than any o the douchetards on Jersey Shore, and wore a curious amalgamation o actual clothing
and random street detritus that would not hae seemed out o place in one the Road \arrior. 1he
best part, howeer, was her hair, which was thickly matted dreadlocks that had been spray painted
a rainbow o colors, and then braided with tinoil. I realize that at this point, the woman sounds
impossibly absurd, but there she was, eery day on Uniersity Ae., screaming at stop signs, or any-
one standing in ront o her. \hen she was coherent, which was remarkably inrequent, I`d ask her
questions. One day, I gae her a dollar, and made her promise me that she`d spend it on crack. She
cackled wildly, which actually rightened me ,a person with teeth Fled to points, laughing, seems
like they`re preparing to gnaw your ucking leg o,, replied that one couldn`t buy much crack with
a dollar ,an astute obseration,, and stated that she intended to buy green beans. I mentioned that
she could get a burger rom Carl`s Jr. up the street i she had some change, but she replied that she
don`t eat that shit.` Intrigued, I pressed her a bit, and came to Fnd that in spite o the teeth, she
was a egetarian.
\ou could hae knocked me oer with a eather. I would think that a person used to eating reuse
would lack such discerning tastes, but she pontiFcated at some length about the dangers o meat
eating thereater, which disabused me o my preiously held notions about the homeless. I men-
tioned that meat could hardly be worse or her than the shit she was absorbing rom all o the paint
on her scalp, but she simply cackled again and stomped o. She was, I assure you, the most ormi-
dable egetarian o all time- uck Mac Danzig. I would posit, howeer, that ater meeting a ariety
o egetarians and egans, she`s likely not the least sane o the lot, and probably closer to the mean
than the outliers o this ridiculous and thoroughly insane sect o deluded dieters. Luckily, ater
screaming at a group o tourists while quite literally oaming at the mouth, she threw a metal trash-
can through a storeront and promptly got the shit kicked out o her by 1ucson PD, and I neer
saw her again. I only that was a microcosm o the egetarian community, and they were all locked
in camps now, as that woman is deFnitely chained up in a nuthatch somewhere or lie. Alas.
1 J,-.)%9 ); b$E$.'%,'(,-* ,( .#$ C$-.$%( C)%27
Obiously, egetarianism`s been around awhile in the Last, since the Right-land Path uckers in
Buddhism and linduism hae been studiously aoiding meat or millennia. 1hey didn`t blather on
at extraordinary length about the eFcacy and superiority o their diet, howeer, and pretty much
just stayed up in the mountains meditating, too weak to annoy anyone. 1hus, I shall ocus on those
whoè badgered, cajoled, and berated us \esterners through the years, somehow managing to con-
ince people that their diet is both healthy and ethical, the absurdity o which I shall address later
in this post.
1he root o this particular mental illness arose, oddly, in Christianity, though its roots go back to
ancient Greece. Prior to its adoption by Christian zealots, it was the diet popularized by the ina-
mous nutbag Pythagoras, who while awesome with triangles, drowned students or making disco-
eries he couldn`t while at the same time yammering on about the sacredness o animals` lies. \es,
Page 105
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
een in ancient Greece, egetarianism was the puriew o the completely unhinged. 1hereater,
people who were so super pissed or Jesus that they wanted to stare hal to death got in on the
game, discontented with the idea o someone suering more or another god. lor those o you
about to be ulled with righteous indignation, I`m not laying this at the eet o your Jewish messiah-
it`s his ollowers who are the ucking idiots. Various Christian sects in the Middle Ages practiced
asceticism and egetarianism, but they were by and large wiped out in short order by 1orquemada`s
merry band o slaughter-happy lunatics or the Lord, so their innuence is at best negligible.,llesh
Inerno, lreed rom the steel-Fsted chokehold o knights so angry or Jesus that it made them
rape bitches and set babies on Fre, people in the Renaissance picked up the torch o semi-stara-
tion again and decided that it mustè been cool, because pre-Christians did it, and they had central
heating, unlike people in the Renaissance ,actually, they didn`t know it, but the Romans really did
hae central heating, about which \estern ciilization apparently orgot until the 18th and 19th
centuries, as they were too busy slaughtering heretics and getting the plague,.
Vegetarianism wasn`t really all that big a deal in the Renaissance, howeer, and was pretty much
relegated to a couple o notable Fgures who apparently loed animals. One guy who`s held alot by
egetarians as a pioneer o this era is Leonardo Da Vinci, which is pretty ucking amusing, because
it`s based on little more than hope. People will try to tell you he was an aowed egetarian, which is
awesome, gien that their staunch belie in this act` is based on one sentence written about him-
Certain inFdels called Guzzaratida Vinci.` 1he sentence was lited rom a letter written by An-
drea Corsali, to one o Da Vinci`s patrons, and was not echoed in any other writing by or about Da
Vinci. 1hough the eidence there is about as thin as a monomolecular blade out o a \arhammer
book, egetarians will yell all day long about how the smartest man eer was a egetarian, but gien
that Da Vinci was a proliFc writer and neer addressed the subject, I would suggest taking that shit
with a grain o salt. And a steak.
Post-Renaissance, the mantle o egetarianism was taken up by those parties I mentioned beore,
the religious zealots. Unconinced that lie sucks enough without suering depriation that would
make modern-day Rwanda seem like a ucking ledonism cruise ship, these uckers got busy mak-
ing lie really suck, and decided to deprie themseles o sex, sleep, meat, and leisure time. Oh, I`m
not exaggerating, uckers. 1he Lphrata Cloister, ounded in 132 by one o the biggest assholes in
the entire span o human history, Conrad Beissel, belieed just that. Beissel, uckhead that he was,
decided that people were liing just a little bit too cushy in an era where smallpox was running ram-
pant and we were still Fghting Indians on a daily basis to preent them rom eating our children,
and established the Cloister in Lancaster, Pa. People liing there were sworn to celibacy and ege-
tarianism, had to sleep on wooden benches with wooden blocks as pillows, and were allowed two 3
hour blocks o sleep a night, interrupted by a two hour period in which they had to go outside and
wait or Jesus. Seriously. 1he rest o their day was spent in hard labor, because they Fgured that a
homeless, jobless guy rom ancient Mesopotamia who hung out with a whore and got people ham-
mered on wine and gae them Fsh to eat would want them to lie in a manner completely opposite
o the way he lied, apparently. \ay to think it through, guys.
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1his type o idiocy was not uncommon, howeer, and was not conFned to the US, as Reerend
\illiam Cowherd ,163-1816, ounded the Vegetarian Society in Lngland in 1809. 1his is consid-
ered to be the Frst modern egetarian society, and also practiced total abstention rom sex ,Vegetar-
ian Society and IVU,. 1hough you and I would assume that the abstention was simply resultant to
the precipitous drop in testosterone suered by anyone who adopts a egetarian diet, I guess these
morons wanted to hedge their bets. 1hereater, the Seenth-Day Adentists were ounded, and
they spawned a massie shitshow o egetarianism that led to the modern egetarian moement.
loremost among their progeny was Sylester Graham ,July 5, 194 - September 11, 1851,, who ad-
ocated a nearly egan diet consisting o whole grains, ruits, and eggies, and preached abstinence
rom both sex and masturbation throughout his lie. \hile he did inent Graham crackers, this was
the only positie thing the Presbyterian minister did in his short, shitty, sexless lie. According to
\ikipedia, Grahamism was innuential in the egan moement. Sylester Graham ocused on meat
and milk, which he belieed to be the cause o sexual urges. In act, he claimed animal byproducts
produced lust, Grahamism thus rejected meat, animal byproducts, and alcohol in order to deelop
a purer mind and body`, in addition to white bread, eather beds, pork, tobacco, salt, condiments,
tight corsets, nocturnal emissions, heay clothing, and hot mince pie.` So, the only thing that could
help you in a lie beret o meat, masturbation, seasoned ood, and sex would be to be so ucking
hammered, at all times, that you thought you were dead, but that was out or him as well. \ow.
Graham was ollowed shortly by another Adentist, John larey Kellogg ,lebruary 26, 1852 -
December 14, 1943,. Graham`s oundation paid Kellogg`s way through medical school, presumable
to oment urther interest in remoing any and all pleasure rom one`s lie in an eort to attain a
mythical purity o soul. As expected, Kellogg ollowed in Graham`s ootsteps, echoing the same
diet and anti-sex, anti-masturbation nonsense. \hen not prescribing daily yogurt enemas, Kellogg
was busy NLVLR lUCKING lIS \IlL Ol 40 \LARS, giing circumcisions sans anesthetic to
teenage boys to curb unnatural urges` or sewing their oreskins closed, and or the loe o uck,
applying pure carbolic acid to the clitoris as a means o allaying abnormal excitement` in broads.
\es, these are the people who hae brought the world egetarianism. Note, by the way, that they
were not egetarians because they thought it was natural, or because they thought it was necessar-
ily the healthiest way to eat. 1hey ate that way because they either loed animals too much to eat
them, or because ,ignoring the New 1estament altogether... but Christians neer cherry-pick erses,
do they, the Jewish God says in Genesis Behold, I hae gien you eery herb bearing seed...to
you it shall be meat.` \es, that shit is nimsier than the reasoning behind calling Da Vinci a egetari-
an, but a lack o tangible eidence isn`t stopping the likes o Daid Icke, Alex Jones, Barbara Boxer,
or egetarians!
"#$ +$-. 5'9 .) ?,22 ' 4$E$.'%,'( ,- .) d6-. -,. +'/? '(7 5'./# #,* `)% #$% ,( .#$ /'-$ ); .#$
';)%$*$(.,)($7 26('.,/ +%)'7R -2)529 -.'%4$8 +6. '2.$%('.,4$298 9)6 /)627 %,< .#$ '%*- );;
); #,- ;'22'/,)6- '%E6*$(.- '(7 +$'. .#$* .) 7$'.# 5,.# .#$*0
VLGL1ARIANISM AND VLGANISM 2: .. ogicat .. . Pooietarorea ottio
Page 10
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
In the last installment o this series, I outlined the long and storied history o dietarily-indicated
mental illness, which maniests as egetarianism. 1he history o egetarianism in the US is one
predicated entirely upon religious eror, asexuality ,or in the case o Kellogg, klismaphilia that let
him grossed out by sex but satisFed by enemas,, and anger, rather than a desire to necessarily be
healthy. Alternatiely, it was predicated upon a loe or all liing creatures, which although mis-
placed, was at least the more rational o the two bases or this dietary regime. Now we`ll examine
the modern egetarians` ocierous claims about the superiority o their health with this dietary
regime, in the ace o reality, common sense, and essentially eery act since the dawn o the re-
corded human word. 1hough this is the rhetorical equialent o kicking a quadrapalegic baby, this,
like kicking the baby, is simply too much un up with which to pass. I reuse to end a sentence with
a preposition, no matter how ridiculous it makes the sentence.
b$E$.'%,'( '%E6*$(.-A
Similarity to other primates, who eat less than 5 o their calories in the orm o meat. I`m sure
that it goes without saying that this list makes you angry enough to headbutt a dog. As dogs are
cool, I`d not adise it, because headbutting dogs generally leads to a massie loss o testosterone
points. Unless, o course, it`s a chihuahua or other purse dog, in which case it`s a massie gain o
testosterone points i you cook and eat the animal ater headbutting it to death. Purse dogs are not
dogs, because dogs, by their ery nature, capture and kill squirrels. 1hereore, i a dog could lose
a one-on-one battle with a tree-dwelling rodent, it is not a dog, and may be killed and eaten at will.
Similarity to other primates is immaterial, because we dierged rom our closest primate relaties
millions o years ago. 1he main eature lacking in the chart aboe, which is bandied about whole-
sale by idiot egetarians the world around, as they`re too ucking weak and lazy to do any research
o the internet, and too stupid to engage in any critical thinking, is GU1 SIZL. Ler see a goril-
la at the zoo 1hey`re rugiores, which is what we`re allegedly supposed to be, according to the
tree-hugging, estrogenic lunatics running eery egetarian website on the planet. Gorillas hae gi-
gantic guts, which are necessary or them, due to the act that all o the egetation they eat needs to
erment as part o the digestie process. Stomach size is markedly dierent between us and other
great apes- humans` stomach small intestine, and colon are 10-24, 56-6, and 1-23 o total
gut olume in humans, while or orangs and chimps it is 1-20, 23-28, 52-54 in orangs and
chimps, respectiely. In other words, they hae massie colons to support ermentation o egeta-
tion, whereas we hae comparatiely large stomachs, to digest more meat.,Milton, 100-102, lu-
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mans and chimps split rom the same ancestral tree 2.5 million years ago, and spurred on the path
to a belly 40 smaller than the mostly egetarian chimpanzee, and a brain 3 times larger. ,Cordain,
38, 1hus, een though early hominids had teeth ery similar to the modern gorilla ,Ungar, 43,,
modern humans hae changed drastically.
!"#$%$ ,- () *)%$ '6.#)%,.'.,4$ -)6%/$ )( '(.#%)<)2)E,/'2 ,--6$- .#'( <'2$)(.)2)E,-. H%0
K,/#'%7 \$'?$98 5#) $^<2',(- 5#'. '(9)($ 5#) #'- .'?$( '( ,(.%)76/.)%9 <#9-,)2)E9
/)6%-$ *,E#. #'4$ 7,-/$%($7 ,(.6,.,4$29::.#'. #6*'(- '%$ #$%+,4)%$-0 \$'?$9 ().$- .#'.
you can't tear esh by hand, you can't tear hide by hand.... We wouldn't have been able
to deal with food source that required those large canines (although we have teeth that are
called canines, they bear little resemblance to the canines of carnivores). ,luFngton
Post,.
1his argument is one o the more ucking absurd arguments noating around, and it`s a sad state
o aairs that Richard Leakey somehow got caught up in this. Neanderthals unequiocally ate a
diet that consisted o irtually nothing but meat- 10000-12000 calories o it a day. 1hey also lacked
sharp teeth and claws, but guess what 1hey didn`t need them, because 1lL\ lAD S1ONL
1OOLS. In act, hominids hae been using tools or oer 2 million years- plenty o time or them
to deelop the requisite biology or the digestion o meat ,Science Daily,. Neanderthals had een
bigger brains than modern humans, which is important due to the act that their diet was so hea-
ily meat-based, and the metabolic requirements o larger brains would necessitate calorically-dense
ood consumption, which means they had to eat meat, or they`d ucking die. 1his is why gorillas
are lazy motheruckers, and exhibit ery little social interaction, whereas humans hae shit like
lacebook, because they honestly beliee they need a leel o social interaction and personal in-
olement with near-perect strangers that would make the world`s greatest narcissists o bygone
eras seem comparatiely humble ,Milton, 104,. 1he adoption o carniory by Oldowan hominins
can be linked directly to the eolution o the hominin brain and social systems, according to Robert
Blumenschine, and the ery act that this was acilitated by the use o stone tools distinguishes us
rom non-human primates, as their lack o tool use limits the useulness o their predation ,Ungar,
16-168,.
>2'(. $'.,(E /%$'.6%$- #'4$ .#$ 2)(E$-. 2,;$-<'(-0
Really Not according to scientists who study humans. According to scientists at USC, the
meat-adaptie gene`, known as ApoL3, is unique to humans and is a ariant o the cholesterol
transporting gene, apolipoprotein L, which regulates innammation and many aspects o aging in
the brain and arteries.` ,luturity, Additionally, the aerage liespan o a crocodile is between 50
and 100 years, and whales lie up to 200 years... which pretty much just takes an elephant-sized shit
on the egetarian animal liespan theory.
12.#)6E# 4$E$.'%,'(,-* '(7 O#%,-.,'(,.9 6-$7 .) E) #'(7 ,( #'(78 4$E$.'%,'(,-* ,- ()5
Page 109
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.#$ 7$ ;'/.) 7,$. ); '.#$,-. %'7,/'2- ); .#$ '('%/#):/)**6(,-.i;$*,(,-.i'(9 '--#)2$ 5,.# '
+$%$.:,-. 4'%,$.98 -) <$%#'<- ' 2,..2$ $4)26.,)('%9 -/,$(/$ ;)% .#$*000
People who read books know a act that egetarians do not- that at one point in history, the Larth`s
total population o humans dropped to between 5,000 and 10,000 indiiduals, due to the eruption
o Mt. 1oba in Sumatra, which killed o most o the aailable plant and animal lie on Larth in
1,000 BC. During this period o time, humans were conFned to an extraordinarily small area o
Arica that escaped glaciation, where they subsisted on a diet that was approximately 50-0 meat
and 50-30 plants, respectiely.` 1his diet was necessitated by the die-o o plants and animals,
and the lack o a aried diet that could hae been otherwise obtained though plant gathering. It
was at this time that the Neanderthal diet came to consist o naught but meat, due to the complete
lack o aailability o edible egetation, which likely lasted or at least 1000 years ,Plants,climate,.
I the act that humanity was orced to subsist on a diet o primarily meat or oer 1000 years is
compelling, perhaps the size o our brains is. Iè already coered the act that our encephalization
necessitates the consumption o calorically dense oods, especially gien the act that our bodies
are comparatiely small ,so we hae less room or the digestion o low-energy oods,. Many an-
thropologists attribute the massie increase in hominid brain size oer the last 4 million years with
the introduction o ar more meat into their diets, which began with homo erectus and continued
with modern humans. Others beliee that it was the consumption o seaood, rie with Omega-3
atty acids, that spawned this explosion in cranial capacity. Lither way, it was the consumption o
meat that led to human encephalization. A new theory has recently arisen, grabbed hold o like a
lie jacket on the 1itanic as the eggies watch their inane theory sink like that ill-ated shitheap o
a boat, that tuber played a role in human encephalization. Comically, none o them hae actually
read the study on which they`re now basing an argument shakier than a Jenga tower in an earth-
quake, as one o the proponents o this theory, larard anthropologist Richard \rangham, be-
liees that his eidence or this theory is scanty.
M'*)6- 1.#2$.$-a
\hereer you Fnd a egetarian website, you`ll Fnd the same dumbass list o egetarians and egans
trotted out or you. 1he list, as you can imagine, is just as wrong as eeding soy ormula to a male
baby is- horribly, horribly wrong. Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling are held alot as two bodybuilders
who ate no animal protein and yet succeeded at their sport. 1hese two men, howeer, ate a ucking
boatload o animal protein at eery meal. 1hey might not hae been sitting down to a steak that`d
choke John Candy`s at ass to death, but Pearl ate a couple o dozen eggs a day and drank uck-
ing GALLONS o milk a day, while Cahling ate nothing but open aced goat cheese sandwiches.
,peep it, Mind you, Cahling was a shitty bodybuilder, but that`s beside the point. 1ony Gonzalez
abandoned eganism ater a month o sucking, and Prince lielder became a egan ater reading SB
promptly ,only to be blasted in the press as his batting aerage dropped lower than his daily protein
consumption, In addition to these guys, you`ll Fnd a comprehensie list o about ten other peo-
ple, o whom youè likely heard o none, and or good reason- theyè not done anything worth
knowing about. 1hus, the argument that people nourish on this diet is inalid, as they`d hae much
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more than a list o ten people, and ar more accomplished people, at that, to proer as proo o
the legitimacy o this diet. Oh, and to the ten people who are going to shout : Mac Danzig could
kick your ass!` SUCK I1. I a 140 lb egan would kick my ass in the octagon, I suppose I`d de-
sere the beating I receied.
"#$ b$%7,/.
Vegetarianism is clearly only embraced by people with seere mental illnesses who are also attention
whores. 1hey wish to oist their idiocy upon others due to the act that they eel tremendously in-
secure about the poor lie decisions theyè made, and are incapable o deending themseles rom
the predations o others due to their poor dietary decisions. As such, they`ll attempt to conince
anyone sotheaded enough to be snowed by their hal-baked arguments that they`re correct, in the
ace o mountains o eidence to the contrary. As such, my riends, I beliee it`s high time we send
them to the camps, where they belong.
MAKL I1 lUCKING S1OP! 1be /ivv, itcbe. .re ac/
lirst, gien the ineitable bitching that has probably already commenced, allow me to proer the
reasoning behind this post. I was standing in line at Bed, Bath and Beyond, waiting to return an
air mattress, blithely unaware that the Skinny Bitch phenomenon had continued past their 15 min-
utes o initial ame. 1here, I oerheard two portly housewies discuss the relatie merits o a drink
mixer called SkinnyGirl ,which is apparently in no way related to the Skinny Bitch books, but is the
product o some reality t whore`s anity,. 1his turned into a discussion about how they`d both
stopped eating meat due to the Skinny Bitch books, and how eeryone ,wink wink nod nod, who
still eats meat is nirting with an imminent and grisly death. At that point I interjected, as I`m unwill-
ing to stand idly by while anyone talks shit, especially in the South where I hate eeryone, and these
1ype 2 diabetes cows weren`t going to titter oer their Mint Juleps about how they got oer on me.
I started dropping actual scientiFc acts, which they rebutted by claiming that the Skinny Bitches
disagreed, and assured me I should read their book or men. I was struck dumb by the act that I
had used historical reerences and scientiFc act to rebut their claims and had been rebued with
such bullshit, but I resoled to read this ucking book to see what lies were contained therein.
1hough I disagree with most of what spews forth from his lthy Communist mouth, I
agree with Zach de la Rocha when he says, Know your enemy.
lere is what I ound:
1. 1he publisher Running Press has neither act-checkers, nor editors with any background
in biology or chemistry, and apparently eeryone in their organization is beret o conscience and
soul.
2. 1he Skinny Bitches are apparently Flled with discontent at the act that theyè merely
spewed their insipid bile at one hal o our species, and hae thus returned in an attempt to Fn-
ish what they started- namely, to destroy the human race. \hile that goal seems to hae merit on
its ace, they`re not doing it in a cool way at all- nowhere are there zombies, robots, zombie-robot
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cyborg hybrids, hemorrhagic plagues, internecine strie, or een a good ol` nuke. Instead, they are
trying to bring about humanity`s downall in the least cool way possible- by rendering us so impo-
tent and weak that we simply die out o sel-loathing and the sort o malaise that can only come
when one realizes that they`d lose a Fght to a poodle. Lssentially, they want the apocalypse to be
humanity`s transormation into the Lloi without any o the mechanisms necessary to support their
bullshit society.
1hus, weè had thrust upon us the guide to the coming apocalypse... /ivv, a.tara. Clocking in at
a touch oer two hundred pages, it proides comprehensie coerage o some o the most impres-
sie stupidity and willul ignorance eer committed to the printed page. In support o their out-
landish nutritional theories, the Bitches hae oered some o the most astonishing non- and pseu-
doscience that Skinny Bastard is truly breathtaking in its deFance o logic, scientiFc act, research,
and hatred or intelligent discourse and humanity in general.
lor those o you who are too horriFed to continue reading, here`s the short ersion: two whores
with no business writing a book about anything compiled a bunch o actoids gleaned rom egan
websites and pseudoscientiFc nutrition texts into a handbook on manning up, repeatedly enjoining
their readers to stop being pussies... while not eating meat. Amidst their incessant rejoinders about
what it takes to be a real man, a phenomenon about which women should probably rerain rom
giing adice anyway, they recommend that men drink red wine and herbal teas while abstaining
rom meat and doing some brisk cardio as their roadmap to manliness. 1hat just happened. \up-
while making the authors o the ill-conceied Alpha Male Challenge ,see the blog about this pile o
horseshit here, look like paradigms o manliness, the Skinny Bitches managed to outdo their prei-
ous eort throughout the book. Additionally, the SBs seem to think that the liberal use o the word
uck` alidates their ridiculous oray into male diet adice, casually tossing the word about in spite
o the act that they appeared terriFed o using the word dick` in their hilarious treatment on
erectile unction, instead using the nomenclature o small children to make their point, a la stick`
or cockadoodledoo`. I am not making that up. 1his book literally let me speechless.
1he long ersion: It`s hard to know where to start with a book that Iè got to pick apart page by
page, so I`ll just start at the beginning, and I`ll hit the high points as bullets or ease o reading. Be-
ore you get too ar into it, you might want to check out this blog on pl, since the Bitches blather
on about it incessantly.
!12/)#)2 %',-$- .#$ 2$4$2 ); #97%)/#2)%,/ '/,7 ,( 9)6% -.)*'/#8 5%$'?,(E #'4)/ )( 9)6% 7,:
gestive system,11,.
One hardly knows where to begin with gems such as these. Someone might want to inorm the
Bitches that hydrochloric acid is always present in one`s stomach- it helps break down ood in the
stomach. One thing hydrochloric acid doesn`t do, howeer, is hae anything whatsoeer to do with
the absorption o alcohol, which is done through the stomach lining and the intestines. \e actu-
ally produce an enzyme to reduce the amount o alcohol our body absorbs, but lCL`s got exactly
uckall to do with either. 1hen, in stark deFance o logic and chemistry, they assert that men should
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try organic wine produced without sulFtes`, which will not Fll their bodies with acid, though it
must be sulFte-ree, or the drinker will contract asthma and allergies. Amazing. 1he nonsense about
sulFtes aside ,they don`t cause allergies, by the way, although in some people they do cause what
appear to be allergic reactions, especially IN PLOPLL \lO ALRLAD\ lAVL AS1lMA,, beer
and hard alcohol might actually be good or you... and in more than a they get me laid` kind o
way. Japanese researchers tested arying doses o isohumulones ,the bitter component o beer,
on pre-diabetic rats in three dierent doses and ound that 2 o the doses led to reduced asting
blood glucose leels, and a third led to reduced bodyat and weight ,Obara,. lappily, I hate both
beer and wine, both o which one study showed raised estrogen and SlBG ,Sex lormone Binding
Globulin, ,Gaaler,, but am a big an o liquor. Liquor has been shown in a couple o studies to
gie you a short term testosterone boost in low to moderate dosages, and to increase the eFcacy
o pro-hormones consumed at the same time,Arnold,. In short, science has proen deFnitiely
that drinking wine does in act make you a bitch... in more ways than one, and that drinking liquor
makes you more manly. As such, the Bitches are again the ducks who ny North or the winter and
try to get their idiot riends to ollow them. Unortunately, theyè all thus ar reused to die.
!O,.%6- ;%6,.- '%$ '2?'2,],(E +$/'6-$ .#$9B%$ #,E# ,( <).'--,6* '(7 /'2/,6* '(7 '2?'2,($
salts ,33,.
I you`re not already amused because potassium and calcium are alkaline salts, you should be.
Prepare, howeer, to become more amused- citrus ruits aren`t een ranked among top calcium or
potassium rich oods... but arious meats are. Gien that one major problem they hae with meat
is the act that it acidiFes one`s system, wouldn`t their shitbox logic hold in re the alkalizing eects
o potassium and calcium Ah well... the Silly \hores haen`t let act get in the way o their Fction
beore, so there`s no sense in starting now, I suppose.
Coffee is for pussies ,13-14,.
\ep- the Bitches hate coee because it contains caeine, which they assert will cause you problems
ranging rom headaches to diarrhea to cortisol spikes, and a wide array o bullshit in between, while
simultaneously allowing you to trumpet to the world that you`re a big bitch because you need`
stimulants to get you out o bed. Additionally, the SB`s contend, willully ignorant o any and all
studies eer conducted on coee, that coee will make you at due to the act that your body will
orm a protectie layer o at around your organs to end o the eil acid in the coee. lrankly,
I`m at a loss to een scratch the surace o what they might be on about here- do they think co-
ee`s simply dumped into your system on top o your organs 1hat our internal systems are setup
like an ancient Roman sewer lae they heard o the circulatory system Simply astonishing. In-
stead, manly men should drink caeine ree herbal tea, because i women see you drinking tea,
they`ll think you`re smart and sensitie.` Sweet! I can miss out on all o the at-loss beneFts o a
proen perormance enhancer while getting at, publicly emasculating mysel, and drinking some-
thing that tastes like stewed cow shit.
In case you`re unaware, allow me to drop a little knowledge about the actual health beneFts o co-
ee, or the sake o education, sanity, and to take a break rom the wild-eyed idiocy proered by the
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Silly Bitches. Coee drinkers are:
less likely to hae type 2 diabetes, Parkinson`s disease, and dementia ,Osterweil,
hae ewer cases o certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, and strokes ,Ibid,
less likely to contract prostate cancer ,\ilson et al,
Caeine also has myriad beneFts that Iè elucidated in the past, but they range rom perormance
enhancement to alertness to mental acuity. In short, stimulants ucking rule.
Articial sweeteners are the fucking devil ,but no mention is made o llCS,,12-13, and an
entire chapter later in the book,.
According to the Silly Bitches, just about eery eil perpetrated in the world in the last 50 years was
committed at the hands o Searle or the purpose o promoting their Nutrasweet products, and in
collusion with the US goernment. 1his is patently ridiculous or a ariety o reasons, not the least
o which being that the US goernment is ar more complicit in supporting Big Agriculture than
Big Pharma. In retrospect, gien that Searle was purchased by Monsanto when Donald Rumseld
was the CLO, they might hae a case to make, but no mention was made o that, and most o their
bee with Searle predates Rummy`s tenure. 1hey contend that due to the US goernment`s support
o and eil doings with major US pharmaceutical companies ,o which there`s hardly any doubt,
in my mind, but they`re o base here, that Searle was able to push Nutrasweet,aspartame through
testing and get it approed by all o the national agencies in charge o ood addities. Just about
all o the claims made about Nutrasweet are bullshit, howeer, and hae been proen to be so oer
and oer. I you don`t beliee me, go here and read the sources cited, and i you`re too lazy to do
that, just check out the study wherein MI1 debunked the Nutrasweet bullshit. In addition to ailing
to conduct een a simple search o unbiased sources ,which I`d imagine at this point would causes
those idiots to seize, crack, and bleed out,, they ailed to recognize that the US goernment would
back corn armers and sugar armers LONG beore they`d back a pharma company in this Fght-
pharma companies don`t get arm subsidies. As such, these broads hae again proen themseles
to be ucking retarded, as they`re ocusing on the gnat in their ear instead o the guy pounding their
ass like they were Ving Rhames in Pulp liction.
Most Americans eat twice as much protein as necessary,36,, citing a guy named Lesley
McPhatter who in turn cited old research and a sports nutrition text o which I can Fnd no record.
1hey go on recommend a protein leel o Body \eight x .36, which proides a large margin o
saety`.
Saety rom what, you might ask 1heir support o this statement was all oer the map, ranging
rom the old wies` tale about protein and renal ailure, to a supposition that low carb diets hae
been linked with low testosterone leels, based on an uncited study. I ound the study, howeer, and
they and their sot-headed egan compatriots all seem to hae read the ucking thing incorrectly...
likely because a diet the consists o naught but gruel is hardly conducie to deep analytical thinking.
Instead o showing that a high protein diet led to low testosterone leels, the study showed that a
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diet high in polyunsaturated at led to low testosterone leels. Rob laigin was nice enough to point
that little nugget out in âtvrat orvove vbavcevevt, and I thought I`d reiterate it or you guys ,la-
igin, 329-30,.
Onto that old bullshit about high protein diets and renal ailure... again, the Bitches` research skills
don`t extend beyond ancient and patently ridiculous sources. lor those o you who are blissully
unaware o that argument, it goes that high protein ,and ketogenic diets in particular, cause renal
ailure. 1he Bitches are more wrong than R. Kelly pissing in the mouth o a 14 year old. Kid-
ney unction adapts to increased protein consumption and in some cases unctions better than on
low-protein diets. ,Sko et al, Poortmans et al, Brndle et al, Lades 138, In spite o all that... you
know, science, and the act that an entire robust and irile people hae thried or centuries on that
diet, the Silly Bitches will continue to assert that a high protein diet will kill you outright and orth-
with, and you`ll dissole in a muddle o acidic muck . 1hey`ll do this because they`re whores... they
orgot because they`re stupid.
lINISlING Oll 1lL SKINN\ BI1ClLS
I you repeat a lie enough times, someone will eentually beliee it- it`s human nature. 1his is how
random bullshit oer time has come to be common knowledge`, and thus act, in spite o the act
that it`s undeniably and incontroertibly untrue. 1he idea that people once belieed the Larth was
nat, or instance, and that it wasn`t until the Renaissance that the world Fnally accepted the act that
the Larth is round is total bullshit. People has known or centuries that the world was round- Lr-
atosthenes een gae its exact size and axial tilt in the third century BC. It wasn`t until the modern
era that the myth o the nat Larth theory was propagated, and apparently arose out o the argu-
ment oer eolution. 1he Protestants, in an eort to make the Catholics look like assholes, spread
the myth that Catholics thought the world was nat until recently. 1hey were apparently bored with
bombing the shit out o each other in Ireland, so they ell back on a bit o academic libel. Some-
how ,cough because people are stupid, this theory spread and became act`, in spite o the act
that no educated \esterner since the 3rd Century BCL eer supported the llat Larth theory.
In much the same way, the Skinny Bitches propagate egetarian and egan myths, touting them
as act, due to the act that they apparently don`t own library cards, couldn`t Fnd \ikipedia with a
riend and a road map, and are without question, horriFcally and hilariously stupid. 1o wit:
Scientic evidence suggests... we descended from vegetarian ancestors. 1hey cite Cald-
well B. Lsselstyn or this gem. In his excretory release Prerevt ava Rerer.e eart Di.ea.e, this alleged
doctor o medicine claims that there is irreutable eidence` that humans thrie on a plant-based,
oil-ree diet. Piling another log atop their Mt. Lerest-sized pile o horseshit, the Silly Bitches al-
lege, as they did in their preious opus that een i our hominid predecessors did eat a meat-based
diet, it doesn`t matter because they looked like riggin` apes and had massie heads, strong jaws,
and brute strength. Man was a dierent animal then` ,40,.
I your mind isn`t ucking blown by this, allow me to explain why it should be. lirst, the two
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points, made on the same page, directly contraene one another- on the one hand, we`re eoled
to eat the same diet rabbits and other egan rodents enjoy, and on the other, it doesn`t matter i
we may hae eoled rom meat eaters, as our hominid ancestors were brutish saages. 1his, my
riends, is exactly what 1ucker Max likes to call prototypical whore logic` ,and what those o us
who don`t want to be stabbed in our sleep reer to as girl logic`,. In the same way that a woman
will simultaneously whine about being hungry or three hours and reuse to eat anything you o-
er her to shut her up, the Silly Bitches make a point and then directly contradict that point with a
lack o understanding o human eolution that deFes common sense, simple logic, and Google.
\ere they to utilize the latter o the three, the Frst two being well beyond their intellectual capacity,
they`d hae known that the Robust hominids ,like Paranthropus Robustus and Australopiticus Bo-
sei, had big heads, sagittal crests, and strong jaws to acilitate the mastication o Fber-dense egeta-
tion. In other words, they had the giant jaws because they were egetarians. 1hey were not, how-
eer, physically imposing specimens, and they are extremely distant human ancestors. 1he most
recent ancestors to homo sapiens sapiens ,modern humans, are homo neanderthalensis ,Nean-
derthals, and homo sapiens ,Cro-Magnon Man,. According to eery recent archaeological source
I could Fnd, the two hominids had extremely similar diets, and both were about as close to pure
carniores as any primate has eer been.,Bones`, New study`, 1hus, the Bitches were about as
wrong as humanly possible, which is sort o their orte.
On a side note, long-time readers o this blog hae by now gathered that I hae little use
or the goernment, and trust them about as much as I`d trust John \ayne Gacy in a home
or runaway homosexual teenagers. 1hough I`m not much o a conspiracy theorist, and am
generally wary o 1ruthers, ollowers o Alex Jones, or anyone who thinks that Daid Icke
is een marginally sane, it`s interesting to note that egan adocate Caldwell B. Lsselstyn is
a member o Skull and Bones, the secret society that pretty much eery crackpot on Larth
links with the New \orld Order. Iè mentioned beore that I think that the US goern-
ment adocates low-protein diets to make us more docile, and egan diets ,notoriously low
in protein, mirror those used by cults to aid in thought reorm.`,Brainwashing, Born-Again
Brainwashing, Coincidence Probably, but it`s an amusing anecdote.
Carrying on with their eolution logic, they used the same tired biology arguments used by other
egans, like the act` that carniores hae salia with ten times more hydrochloric acid and much
shorter intestines than do humans.
I hope that anyone with the ability to orm a cogent thought immediately sees through the wild-
eyed ignorance o biology that these sorts o statements require. I know o no academic on Larth
who will assert, or instance, that humans are pure carniores. 1he only land mammal o which
I can think ohand that is a pure carniore is a eline, and een they end up eating grains when
people keep them as pets ,though it ucks them up all to be damned,. 1his is an important point,
because this sort o an argument is little more than a egetarian strawman- it leaes out omniores
like pigs. Pigs, or those o you who don`t know, eat just about anything, including people.
\ou got to stare the pigs or a ew days, then the sight o a chopped-up body will look
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like curry to a pisshead. \ou gotta shae the heads o your ictims, and pull the teeth out
or the sake o the piggies` digestion. \ou could do this aterwards, o course, but you don`t
want to go siein` through pig shit, now do you 1hey will go through bone like butter. \ou
need at least sixteen pigs to Fnish the job in one sitting, so be wary o any man who keeps a
pig arm. 1hey will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. 1hat
means that a single pig can consume two pounds o uncooked nesh eery minute. lence the
expression, as greedy as a pig`` ,Brick 1op,.
1he reason why kids in high school dissect pigs is due to the remarkable similarity between the
digestie tract o pigs and that o humans. Neither pigs nor humans hae the ability to digest plant
cellulose ,which herbiores do through ermentation,, and this is an excellent sign that they`re not
pure herbiores. I`ll go on, but the subject rankly bores the liing shit out o me- I`d rather argue
physics with a 10 year old kid with Down`s Syndrome than bother trying to explain comparatie
anatomy to a egetarian. Lerything they know comes rom websites, and eery one o those web-
sites cites ,well, reprint, because they`re apparently too exhausted rom malnutrition to bother with
academic citations, the exact same retarded source ,lit lood lor Men, by AD Andrews,. It looks
like this:
=$'.:$'.$%-A hae claws
J$%+,4)%$-A no claws
J6*'(-A no claws
=$'.:$'.$%-: hae no skin pores and perspire through the tongue
J$%+,4)%$-A perspire through skin pores
J6*'(-A perspire through skin pores
=$'.:$'.$%-A hae sharp ront teeth or tearing, with no nat molar teeth or grinding
J$%+,4)%$-A no sharp ront teeth, but nat rear molars or grinding
J6*'(-A no sharp ront teeth, but nat rear molars or grinding |1his is simply stunning, and is too
long to bother with typing. Google canine dentition ,they hae molars, and polar bear molars- Po-
lar bears are considered pure carniores, and hae molars.|
=$'.:$'.$%-A hae intestinal tract that is only 3 times their body length so that rapidly decaying
meat can pass through quickly
J$%+,4)%$-A hae intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length.
J6*'(-A hae intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length. |Actually, the human intestine is 6-m
long, making it roughly three times as long as the human body| ,Length,
=$'.:$'.$%-A hae strong hydrochloric acid in stomach to digest meat
J$%+,4)%$-A hae stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that o a meat-eater
J6*'(-A hae stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that o a meat-eater. |Actually, human
gastric acid has a pl o 3.8, and is strong enough to dissole human teeth| ,Matsou,
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=$'.:$'.$%-A saliary glands in mouth not needed to pre-digest grains and ruits.
J$%+,4)%$-A well-deeloped saliary glands which are necessary to pre-digest grains and ruits
J6*'(-A well-deeloped saliary glands, which are necessary to pre-digest, grains and ruits
=$'.:$'.$%-A hae acid salia with no enzyme ptyalin to pre-digest grains
J$%+,4)%$-A hae alkaline salia with ptyalin to pre-digest grains
J6*'(-A hae alkaline salia with ptyalin to pre-digest grains |Actually, there is little dierence be-
tween the pl o mammalian salia between species. 1hese idiots apparently think that Alien blood
drips rom the mouths o housecats|
lantastic, isn`t it 1hey managed to construct an entire argument rebutting a claim no thinking per-
son has eer made ,that humans are carniores, while asserting something een more preposterous.
Additionally, I Fnd the saliary glands bit amusing, as Iè neer had a dog that didn`t slobber like a
motherucker. Apparently, theyè all just wanted me to ram a ucking baguette down their throats
and send them on their merry way. Oh, and the book cited in that chart It doesn`t exist. Nor
does the author. 1he publisher renamed itsel the National lealth Association, and boasts eight
members, none o whom is A.D. Andrews... because that motherucker doesn`t exist. \ell played,
egans!
Lastly, the Silly Bitches embarrass themseles with a list o tough-ass motheruckers` who are
egetarians or egans. 1his list includes a bunch o endurance athletes, Stan Price ,world re-
cord holder` in the bench press,, Ridgely Abele ,8x national karate champ,, Sushil Kumar ,bronze
medalist wrestler,, Make Danzig and Jake Shields, 1ony Gonzalez and Desmond loward, and Bill
Pearl and Andreas Cahling. Unsurprisingly, this list is jam ucking packed with bullshit. My bull-
shit-o-meter peaked with Stan Price, who unsurprisingly doesn`t exist, much less hold a record in
powerliting. Moing on, Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling ate a ucking boatload o animal protein
at eery meal. 1hey might not hae been sitting down to a steak that`d choke John Candy`s at ass
to death, but Pearl ate a couple o dozen eggs a day and drank ucking GALLONS o milk a day,
while Cahling ate nothing but open aced goat cheese sandwiches. ,Dynamic Bodies, Ridgely Abele
was an old man who won the USKA \orld Championships in 1983, and I couldn`t Fnd shit on his
diet. Gien that it`s a karate association beret o a single Japanese name in their hall o ame, I`m
betting they aren`t terribly competitie. Shields eats milk products and protein, and recently got his
ass kicked in by a meat eater. Sushil Kumar, like most lindus, drinks an absolutely absurd amount
o milk and eats cans o ghee when training.,Sushil, lor those o you who are unaware, ghee is
pretty much unholy- you make it my cooking o butter until all o the water is boiled o and
nothing but at and protein remains. lor any o you whoè roomed with a lindu, you know that
it smells godawul and tastes about as good as it smells. Back to the list- 1ony Gonzalez recom-
mends in his own book, the All-Pro Diet, that people should eat grass-ed bee and chicken, which
is decidedly un-egetarian. Desmond loward, in his own words eat|s| a lot o chicken and Fsh`
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in addition to ground turkey. ,Celebrity, 1he only person the Bitches mentioned who is a eriF-
able egan badass` is Mac Danzig, and he`s an admittedly recent conert to the diet as a result o
working at a actory arm.,Peta,
In short, the Silly Bitches are entirely ull o shit, and simply repeat the same tired bullshit theyè
heard out o other idiot egans to sere a purpose I cannot possibly ascertain. Quite rank-
ly, I doubt they could articulate their reasoning either. Should you want inormation on being a
healthy` egan, check out Mike Mahler, who outlines Mac Danzig`s diet here and has an array o
kettlebell ideos shot in his backyard. lis dog looks pretty cool, which is at least a good start or
being a belieable authority on anything whatsoeer. As or the Bitches, I`m pretty sure they`re the
reason why Muslims stone broads.
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!3 .%,$7 .) *'?$ *$'. 2)'; )6. ); .#$ E,%2 +6. ,. +$/)*$- .)) ;%6-.%'.:
,(E ' .'-? '(7 ,(-.$'7 3 -<$(7 .#$ ';.$%())( -*$'%,(E #$% *$'. '22 )4$%
the walls, chewing on strips of skin I ripped from her body.
PY1O,`Ô1ROC^: o, . 1be Derit, .va ôt v . vv !a,
1he mythology o the Deil is actually pretty ascinating. I`m not going to spend an hour recount-
ing the entire etymology o the word Satan, the historical concept o the Deil, or pantheistic de-
monology, though I assure you, that shit is tremendously interesting. Once youè ollowed eery
link you can rom that one, you`ll hae a clear understanding o what the Deil represents- pure
eil. Across eery Mediterranean-based religion since ancient Lgypt, howeer, there`s existed a ma-
leolent energy or god with which people then and now hae concerned themseles. Innumerable
methods hae been articulated or ridding themseles o this eil, ranging rom exorcisms to jihad
to a hell o a lot o prayer. I`m not adocating any o that, and I`m inorming you about a much
greater eil than the entity who is conentionally reerred to as the Deil- I`m reerring to soy.
\ould an exorcism help Likely not, but there are some executies at Ralston-Purina and DuPont
who could do with some stabbing.
lor those o you who are unaware, there`s currently a massie push to get soy into the diets o
Americans, allegedly due to the magical health-improing eects o the soybean. Apparently pos-
iting that the American diet is beret o soy, and that the Chinese and Japanese can ny, lie to 200
years o age, and neer get cancer due to their constant inhalation o so, arious special interest
groups hae unded studies alleging this bean`s magical properties. 1his is, o course, utter horse-
shit. Americans eat ar more soy, per capita, than any other people on Larth.
3( SZZV8 1*$%,/'(- '.$ SV8SeQ8fVZ .)(- ); -)90 "#'. +%$'?- 7)5( .) Z0ZgVSSVVgUf
.)(- ); -)9 ' 9$'% `SV8SeQ8fVZiSYe8UQZ8UZUR8 )% QfZ 2+- ' 9$'%0 "#$ O#,($-$8 +9 /)*:
<'%,-)(8 '.$ )(29 `VZYVfUVZ i QTQVgUUZZZR Z0ZTgfSeZVfS .)(- <$% <$%-)(8 )% ff 2+-0
"#,- ,- ;6/?,(E %$.'%7$70 ,Swiel or the soy, and \ikipedia or the population,
According to health actiist and occasional kook Joseph Mercola, soy may increase the risk o
breast cancer in women, brain damage in both men and women, and abnormalities in inants,
contribute to thyroid disorders ,especially in women,, promote kidney stones, weaken the immune
system, and cause seere, potentially atal ood allergies ,Mercola,. Soy contains isonaones, plant
hormones that hae been shown to hae an estrogenic eect on the body ,it mimics the actions o
estrogen, which reduces test leels and inhibit muscular hypertrophy ,Iy, 128,. Biological changes
in the unction o sex glands, central nerous system, and thyroid are attributable to soy isona-
ones. Soy also contains phytic acid, an anti-nutrient that blocks the uptake o calcium, zinc, and
magnesium. Low zinc throws copper leels out o balance, and high leels o copper can depress
thyroid unction ,1acchi, 81-82,.
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1his shit is not anything that should come as a surprise to anyone who knows anything about Pa-
leolithic dieting. Many beans contain toxic compounds designed to dissuade animals rom eating
them, and soybeans are no dierent. Raw soybeans contain antienzymes, hemagglutinin, phytates
and goitrogens, all which will hae arying eects on people based on the biological indiiduality,
but are toxic nonetheless ,Audette, 56,. I realize that at this point, hal o you are scoFng at these
claims, haing eaten soy your entire lies, and immense amounts o it. Beore you get too haughty,
consider this- Americans are atter, less libidinous, weaker, and more pathetic than eer, and we`re
eating unprecedented amounts o soy.
\hy are we eating so much soy Because agribusiness is Flled with eil assholes who hate you, and
they line the pockets o politicians who also hate you and are looking or ways to make you more
dependent on them, so that the politicians will do what they`d do on their own a little more quickly.
According to Joseph Mercola, soy began in the US as a product that in 1913 was listed in the U.S.
Department o Agriculture as an industrial product, rather than a ood ,Mercola,. Although the
soybean was introduced in the US a couple centuries prior to that, it didn`t really carry much weight
until it was picked up by none other than lenry lord as a super-bean he primarily used to make
plastics and textiles- lord bragged that two bushels o soybeans went into each car he sold, and
een wore a suit made o aux silk ,made o soy, on a daily basis. 1his Fber neer really caught on,
haing been beaten by DuPont`s nylon, but illustrates the act that soy was initially considered to be
primarily or industrial use. lord`s experimentation with soy milk eentually led to Ralston-Purina`s
widespread use o soy in animal eed, due in large part to the act that soy is incredibly cheap to
arm and process.
As the years passed, and soy made its slow transition into the American diet, that industry receied
a welcome boost rom the Fndings o the Club o Rome, a global think tank that ocuses on polit-
ical issues, and wishes to act as a global catalyst or change through the identiFcation and analysis
o the crucial problems acing humanity and the communication o such problems to the most im-
portant public and priate decision makers as well as to the general public` ,\ikipedia,. 1he Club
produced their seminal work in 192, called the ivit. to Crortb, which was essentially a dire predic-
tion that the Larth`s industrialized societies would collapse under their own weight and the com-
bined scarcity o petroleum and ood. 1his book was an outgrowth o the Malthusian catastrophe
theory o 1homas Malthus, which was originally oreseen to be a orced return to subsistence-le-
el conditions once population growth had outpaced agricultural production,` and it led to a ariety
o well-receied and well-regarded works o Malthusian dystopic Fction. 1he two best-known
works in this genre are 1be !avtivg eea, by Anthony Burgess, and Ma/e Roov! Ma/e Roov! by larry
larrison, both o which depict a uture Larth plagued by oerpopulation. Both books are uck-
ing awesome, by the way, i you like dystopic Fction, and larrison`s book was made into the epic
o,tevt Creev. lrom works like these, people picked up the notion that meat would eentually be
impossible to come by or unbelieably expensie ,see just about any science Fction noel written
in the last 30 years or eidence o this, and nearly all o which prophesied that soy would be the
meat o the uture.
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1his momentum made it easy or companies like Ralston-Purina and DuPont to ramp up their soy
production, and start neecing the uck out o our politicians. 1he politicians, greedy, soulless sacks
o shit that they are, eentually changed the protein rating systems to make soy look good, which
aorded those companies the opportunity to make ridiculous claims about the bioaailability o
soy ,Body Opus, 6,. Lobbyists are the reason there are so many dierent rating systems or pro-
tein- not scientists. 1o wit, there are the ollowing rating systems or protein:
Biological alue ,BV,
Net protein Utilization ,NPU,
Protein LFciency Ratio ,PLR,
Nitrogen Balance ,NB,
Protein digestibility ,PD,
Protein Digestibility Corrected Amino Acid Score ,PDCAAS,
Just within BV, you can get two dierent rankings or protein, one o which places soy at the same
leel as whey or bio-aailability, and another that ranks it at about 3,4 o whey. PDCAAS is the
newest, and thus ranks soy on par with egg, whey, and casein, while NPU, one o the oldest, ranks
whey at 92 and soy at 61. Suspicious I sure as uck am.
SO\ IS 1lL DLVIL, AND NO1 IN A lUN \A\, 22 1,2
lor those o you who hadn`t yet noticed, this blog ocuses on the unconentional. As such, soy`s
a pretty good topic or inestigation, as it`s a airly unorthodox source o protein or a non-her-
biore. Gien that both sides o the soy debate hae dragged out their gigantic, Goebbels-esque
propaganda machines, inestigation o this issue gets een more interesting. On one side you hae
egetarians, the goernment, and massie chemical-agricultural companies. 1hese groups obiously
hae a ested interest in disinormation and obuscation o any eidence pointing to the idea that
soy is deleterious or one`s health, and a ery pointed interest in painting soy as the ultimate pro-
tein source. Derek Poundstone claims to eat soy protein in massie quantities, which makes sense,
gien that he`s sponsored by DuPont, who just built a new soy processing plant- the man makes
chicken shakes... he`s not getting 25 o his ucking protein rom beans. 1hink it through. On
the other side o the debate, youè got a bunch o people who are araid o growing man-tits, and
hae seen enough studies showing soy to cause health problems to be rightully scared, especially
gien that our current liing enironment is literally awash in xenoestrogens.
H,7 c)6 P()5a lemale urine is high in estrogen, especially i they`re on the pill. As such,
make sure you`re taking anti-estrogens i you let chicks piss in your mouth on a regular basis.
1o wit, here`s what happens when animals are exposed to high leels o enironmental estrogens:
An upsurge in the number o male Fsh growing emale reproductie parts is sounding an
alarm bell or the dangers o pollutants and estrogen-like compounds in U.S. riers, where
millions o Americans get their drinking water, enironmental experts say.
A recent surey o bass in the Potomac Rier, a major tributary in the nation`s capital, ound
almost 100 percent o the smallmouth bass species were eminized, or had eggs in their tes-
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tes. In largemouth bass the incidence o eminization was lower, but still highly prealent.
Some eidence has suggested the chemicals also hae a cumulatie eect -- at low concentra-
tions, it might take a month or two or the Fsh to be aected.
Kolpin examines a multitude o chemicals considered emerging contaminants, and some
o the most egregious oenders are pills, which may also contain estrogen-like compounds.
Drugs proide immeasurable beneFts to human health, but there may be a downside, he
said. Consumers get little guidance as to how to dispose o unused medication.
Letoer pills nushed down the toilet end up in the sewage system, and medication thrown
in landFlls could leach into groundwater. Sediments in rierbeds are also highly concentrated
areas o emerging contaminant pollution.` ,Dellàmore,
In another study:
In one lake,` he explains, they treated it with the pharmaceutical that`s in most birth con-
trol, in a concentration o six parts per trillion -- similar to what we oten see in wastewater
enuent, although Boulder`s wasn`t quite that high. 1hey treated it or three years in that
concentration, and within two years, they`d irtually wiped the Fsh out o this lake, because
the emales couldn`t make eggs, and the males were so busy making emale protein that they
weren`t making any sperm.`
Shit like this is why I think we should all don our ucking tinoil hats and say uck the soy- weè
got enough xenoestrogens in our water to make us impotent anyway. lae you noticed at the de-
gree to which inertility and erectile dysunction has risen and birthrates hae dropped in the deel-
oped world recently \hy add insult to injury And what are the studies showing these insults
In one study o 42 healthy adult males, Diets were isoenergetic, with either 150 g lean meat or 290
g tou daily proiding an equialent amount o macronutrients, with only the source o protein di-
ering between the two diets. Lach diet lasted or 4 weeks, with a 2-week interal between interen-
tions. Blood concentrations o sex hormones did not dier ater the two diets, but the mean tes-
tosterone : oestradiol alue was 10 higher ater the meat diet. SlBG was 3 higher, whereas the
lAI was lower, ater the tou diet compared with the meat diet. 1here was a signiFcant correla-
tion between the dierence in SlBG and testosterone : oestradiol and weight change` ,labito et
al,. 1his means that, at the ery least, your test leels will be higher on a diet eating meat, een i
soy doesn`t lower your test leels.
In another study describes the short-term eects o dietary phytoestrogens on regulatory behaiors
,ood,water intake, locomotor actiity and body weight,, prostate weight, prostate 5alpha-reductase
enzyme actiity, reproductie hormone leels, and testicular steroidogenic acute regulatory peptide
,StAR, leels in adult Sprague-Dawley rats. Animals were ed either a phytoestrogen-rich diet con-
taining approximately 600 microg,g isonaones ,as determined by lPLC, or a phytoestrogen-ree
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diet. Ater 5 weeks o consuming these diets, plasma phytoestrogen leels were 35 times higher in
animals ed the phytoestrogen-rich s phytoestrogen-ree diets. Body and prostate weights were
signiFcantly decreased in animals ed the phytoestrogen-rich diet s the phytoestrogen-ree ed
animals, howeer, no signiFcant change in prostate 5alpha-reductase enzyme actiity was obsered
between the treatment groups. Plasma testosterone and androstenedione leels were signiFcantly
lower in the animals ed the phytoestrogen-rich diet compared with animals ed the phytoestro-
gen-ree diet. ,\eber, et al, 1he rub Sounds like a diet high in phytoestrogens lowers your test
leels. 1his Fnding was echoed in another study, which concluded that soy protein, regardless o
isonaone content, decreased Dl1 and Dl1,testosterone with minor eects on other hormones,
proiding eidence or some eects o soy protein on hormones.` ,Dillingham et al, A study o
69 Japanese men and soy protein also ound a inerse correlation between soy intake and testoster-
one, howeer minor, and ound that soy product intake may be associated with the endogenous
hormone leels in Japanese men` ,Nagata, et al,.
So, what about that estrogen lor those o you who are unaware, soy has been prescribed to
menopausal women or years as an alternatie to estrogen supplements. Let me restate that- -)9
,- /)(-,7$%$7 .) +$ #$%+'2 $-.%)E$(. \hy, then, would the supplement companies claim it`s not
estrogenic It either is, or it isn`t. Instead, the soy industry talks out o both side o their mouths,
and no one seems to gie a uck. \omen who are pregnant are warned to aoid high doses o
plant estrogen` according to a site about breast cancer, and scientists also caution women who
hae estrogen receptor positie ,LR-, breast cancer that phytoestrogens may not be sae.` Intrigu-
ing- now soy`s not een good or chicks, due to the act that it`s super ucking estrogenic,llax,. A
Fe year study at the Uniersity o Illinois, howeer, showed that the positie or negatie health
consequences o exposure to soy isonaones depend on the timing o the exposure ,whether it oc-
curs in early, mid, or late lie,, tissue type ,breast or brain, or example,, and dose`,\ates,. Positie
or non-preggo women, negatie or men, I`m assuming. I did Fnd a study showing that isonaone
content is lower in ermented soy products, which is what the Japanese typically eat, than in uner-
mented products ,like soy protein,, which means that i you want to eat the soy in your miso soup,
you could be Fne with that. It shows airly deFnitiely, though, that the US consumption o soy is
a ucking highway to hell ,Chien et al,.
lor those skeptics out there who still insist that the anti-soy campaign is nothing but ridiculous
scare tactics, I challenge you to identiy or whom these tactics are working. Propaganda does not
exist without a motie, and I ail to see one inherent in this moement, as there`s no danger what-
soeer o the meat-arming industry going belly up. 1hus, think o this what you will, but I know
that the only estrogens I plan to ingest are in emale urine... proided I hae Clomid on hand.
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!c)6B%$ ' ;6/?,(E 6E29 +,./#0 3 5'(. .) -.'+ 9)6 .) 7$'.#8 '(7 .#$( <2'9
around with your blood.
P .^D D1^C
S1RONG LNOUGl lOR A MAN, BU1 Pl BALANCLD IS lORSLSlI1
Certain naturopathic and let-leaning, tree-hugging, meat-eschewing groups around the world Fnd
themseles continually preoccupied with an odd acet o their body`s state o being- their internal
pl. Pl, or those o you who are blissully unaware, or who slept through seeral years o sci-
ence classes and who hae neer owned a pool, is a measure o how acidic or basic a substance is.
Measurement o pl ranges rom 0-14, where 0-6 is acidic, is neutral, and 8-14 is alkaline. Still
conused Battery acid is a 1, inegar is a 3, blood`s a .5, ammonia`s an 11.5, and household lye is a
14. According to naturopaths, a body`s pl measurement in the -.5 range represents good health.
1his measurement is taken by pissing on a bit o litmus paper Frst thing in the morning. I you`re
6-6.5, you`re slightly acidic, and aboe .5 means you are either in good health or you suer rom
low protein. Amusingly, it can also mean that your internal enironment is acidic, but that you hae
a diFculty digesting acids ,Vasey,.
O note, beore I continue, is that it is rare that your blood pl will match your urine`s pl. 1his
will become important later, when we`re examining the arious deleterious eects ascribed to one`s
acidity. 1his issue is compounded by the act that an ammonia-like smell is ascribed to acidiFca-
tion, which actually has nothing at all to do with your pl- it has to do with your hydration. \hen
you piss, you`re excreting nitrates ,nitrogen and oxygen,. Ammonia is comprised o nitrogen and
hydrogen, so what you`re smelling is high amounts o bonded hydrogen, which occurs when you`re
dehydrated, or when your lier stops unctioning. Amusingly, ammonia`s pl is 11.5, so it would
seem to any rational person that i your piss smells like ammonia, your body is trying to acidiy
your system by shedding a substance with a super alkaline pl ,Alkaline urine, usually containing bi-
carbonate-carbonic acid buer, is normally excreted when there is an excess o base or alkali in the
body ,Urine pl,. According to Quack\atch, Acid-base status is commonly measured at hospital
admission or many diseases, but it is extremely unusual to Fnd acidosis or alkalosis o the blood or
extracellular nuid in the early stages o any major disease except kidney disease. Moreoer, no ood
is acidic or alkaline enough in a mixed diet to produce long-lasting changes in the body`s acid-base
balance`,Barrett,.
Sounds ucking stupid already, right
It gets better. 1he ollowing is a comprehensie list o bad shit that can happen to you i you`re
oerly acidic, by system ,Vasey 36-39, Kliment 16-1,:
Intestinal
Diarrhea
Rectal bleeding ,lOL\ lUCK!,
Cramps
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Colitis
Respiratory
Runny Nose
Lxtreme Sensitiity to Cold ,1hat`s poor circulation, which means you`re deFcient in B
itamins. \hich means your diet is deFcient in meat.,
Chills
lrequent Colds ,preented, according to Linus Pauling, by Vitamin C. \hich is acidic.
lmmm.,
Laryngitis
Allergies
lair,Nails
1hin Nails ,Nails are made o protein. 1hus, i your nails are thin, guess what`s lacking in
your diet,
\hite Spots on Nails
Dull lair with split ends ,1ry washing your ucking hair and taking LlAs,
Kidney,Bladder
Acidic Urine ,i it burns when you pee, you hae VD. 1he end.,
Irritation o Urethra ,an itchy urethra I a man has an itchy urethra, nothing should uck-
ing stop him rom getting to the hospital, stat, because it`s highly likely that his cock`s about to all
the uck o,
Lxcessie urination ,uh... that`s normally attributed to excessie hydration,
Kidney and bladder stones
Skin
Acidic sweat ,this means you`re an alien, and the only things that can kill you are Sigourney
\eaer and Predators. lucking spot on.,
Dry skin ,LlAs. Or maybe it`s just \IN1LR1IML!,
Irritated in Sweat Regions ,what the uck,
Skin splits at Fngernails ,ie, it`s dry,
Itches ,dry skin,
Pimples ,could be attributed to anything,
Lczema ,aka hereditary DR\ SKIN,
Muscles
Leg cramps,spasms ,maybe you just squatted,
Sti Neck ,caused by sitting at a desk,
Generalized aching
Skeletal
Rheumatism
Arthritis
Sciatica
lerniated disk
1endinitis
Mineral and Calcium depletion
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Osteoporosis ,caused by menopause, generally,
Rickets ,caused by a itamin D deFciency,
Brittle bones
Gout
Circulatory
Poor circulation ,sloth, heredity, and niacin deFciency,
1endency to leel Cold ,same, or you`re a woman,
Anemia ,Iron deFciency,
Chilblain ,caused by cold weather and heredity,
Rapid heartbeat
Lndocrine
Lxhaustion
Genitals
Innammation o genital tract ,VD,
Vaginal discharge ,VD, yeast inection, or she`s a squirter!,
Nerous
Sensitiity to pain ,aka, you`re a pussy,
Migrant nere pain
Insomnia
1ennis Llbow ,caused, ucking obiously, by oeruse o the orearm in a particular and
repetitie way,
Additionally, acidiFcation can cause ,Vasey 34-35, Kliment 16-1,:
loss o drie,enthusiasm
depression
irritability
nerousness,stress
a pale ace
headaches
innammation o eyes
acidic salia ,again, you`re an alien, which is awesome,
loose teeth ,brush them, idiot,
mouth ulcers
cracks at corners o lips
caities ,caused by carbohydrate digestion, not acid,
acid renux
gastritis
ulcers
1hat`s a hell o a comprehensie and oddly repetitie list. Nearly eery one o those issues has a
easily identiFable source that has nothing to do with your blood acid load. I will say, or the record,
that gout in particular has been linked to acidic oods, so I`ll gie them that, osteoporosis ,Sebas-
Page 12
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
tian,, arthritis, acid renux, and mouth ulcers. 1here`s a little truth to eery good lie, right 1he
rest, howeer, is clearly horseshit. 1hey do a Fne job o listing eerything on the planet that could
plague a person, so as to sell you on the act that, at its core, meat is the root o all eil.
\hy do I make that brutal claim Certainly, them`s Fghting words when someone suggests that an-
other is anti-meat. lere`s a comparison o acid and alkaline oods, as oered by Vasey ,52-53, 5,:
By the way, I orgot to add carbonated drinks ,carbonic acid,, coee, tea, cocoa, wine, and all con-
diments. Vasey contends that proteins orm uric and phosphoric acid, ats conert to atty acids
and acetyl acetic acid, and carbohydrates conert to pyruic and succinic acid ,the bad ones are the
protein and at ones- Vasey states that the strong ones come rom animal proteins and the weak
acids come rom eggie sources, , 10, 39,.
None o these motheruckers can get their shit together, howeer, and are constantly at odds oer
the details o their pseudoscience. lrom author to author, these recommendations change, which is
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
a boatload o un. Loren Cordain jumped in though, and oered the ollowing:
Loren makes an amusing point thereater- the acid and base loads o arious oods, on which nu-
tritionists` base their pl diets, is deried rom analyzing ood ash. Raise your hand i your body
reduces ood to ash!
Anyone
I thought not. 1hus, these numbers are all but useless. lrom the three books on acid-base diets that
Iè read, here`s what Iè determined:
1. anyone who touts a pl diet hates meat.
2. anyone who touts a pl diet knows nothing about nutrition.
3. anyone who touts a pl diet lacks the ability to think critically
I tried, brieny, to come up with some simple credits and debits accounting-style method by which
a person could hae a neutral pl load, and thereater realized the whole ucking thing is pointless
and idiotic. Instead, I came up with the ollowing: I you`re worried about your systemic pl, eat
green things eery day. 1hen, aoid any person who touts these diets like the ucking plague.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
My name is Patrick Bateman. I`m 2 years old. I beliee in taking care o
mysel and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning i
my ace is a little puy I`ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches.
I can do 1000 now. Ater I remoe the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser
lotion. In the shower I use a water actiated gel cleanser, then a honey al-
mond body scrub, and on the ace an exoliating gel scrub. 1hen I apply an
herb-mint acial mask which I leae on or 10 minutes while I prepare the
rest o my routine. I always use an ater shae lotion with little or no alcohol,
because alcohol dries your ace out and makes you look older. 1hen moistur-
izer, then an anti-aging eye balm ollowed by a Fnal moisturizing protectie
lotion.`
|PPM^1.1O^
\O DOG! I \ANNA LOOK LIKL \OU! !bat Kiva of vtevevt. Do Yov 1a/e.
Certainly, one o the most annoying questions eer posed to me by strangers is this: \hat supple-
ments do you take` Not Damn, bro, what kind o program are you on` or low many times
a week do you squat` or what program will work best or me` Instead, it`s what supplements
do I need to take to grow,shred,whateer.` It`s a ucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique,
polish a physique, and assist your training. 1hey are not the end all, be all.
1his douche just needs to lit some weights and not worry about taking Cell-1ech, or whateer else
is the supp o the week.
1hat stated, here`s what I take,hae taken:
_%$$(-- I Fgure they can`t hurt, as I rarely eat anything made o egetable.
>-922,6* J6-?- Paleolithic people got 100-150 grams o Fber a day. I`m not trying to hit that
number, but I want to get at least 50g a day or the health o my digestie tract.
>%)+,).,/- j H,E$-.,4$ I(]9*$-- Also great or keeping the digestie tract healthy, especially
gien the ridiculously high amounts o protein I consume.
H$--,/'.$7 \,4$%- lilled with B-itamins, and it coers the paucity o organ meats in my diet.
=,2? "#,-.2$- Cleanse the lier rom binge drinking and supplement usage.
1(,*'2 >'? i b,.'-.'? i =9)4,.$ *62.,4,.'*,(-- Mutlipack itamins seem to oer the best pro-
tection against holes in your dietary regimen.
X*$E' T M'..9 1/,7-- I don`t eat Fsh, so I take this or leaning out and mental unction.
>#$(,+6.- Designed by the Russians or use by cosmonauts in space, this shit is great both as a
sleep aid in higher doses and an anti-anxiety compound in lower doses.
@2$(7$7 >%).$,( >)57$%- I like the slow-acting blends because they leae me less hungry and I
get a steady release o protein into my bloodstream.
C#$9 <%).$,( <)57$%- I oten hae whey or post workout protein, early morning protein, and
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
sort o a gap Fller. Basically, it`s a cheap way to bang back some protein.
N2.%'*$.- I loe this MRP, and it`s a great way to get protein, Fber, and MC1.
M'. @6%($%- Iè bounced around rom at burner to at burner, and am o course now partial to
Cannibal Inerno, as I designed it to be my ultimate at burner. lor those o you concerned by the
paucity o ephedrine in Inerno, you can nirt with heart attack and up the ante by adding Bronkaid.
O'%+ K,.$ '(7 h6$-. @'%-- Both o these bars are ultra low-carb and reasonably high in protein,
which makes them ideal or my diet.
W)).%)<,/-- As a general rule, I take noopept, dendrobium, and aniracetam to aid in memory re-
call, oerall mental acuity, and erbal nuidity.
I I were to list the absolute essentials, they`d be Animal Stack, a at burner, and a blended protein
powders. Iè gotten great results with just those, they balance out any diet, and they turn you into
a at burning superhuman.
Shit Iè ound to be totally useless:
any Muscle1ech product
any product with a name that emulates a steroid
lMB
Any non-stimulant based at burners.
!avvabe êcrovavcer ava Ravaovt, erbat Pbarvaci.t
1hough I don`t really hae a handle on raising the dead yet, Iè got a couple o other tidbits to
share with you rom time to time, which my riends typically pass on to me as they know I will try
just about anything to become superhuman.
1oday`s odd herbal concoctions consist o remedies or joint health ater seere trauma and one or
depression. I personally don`t get depressed, but tried one o the supplements as a kind o herb-
al adderal and it worked, and then suggested it to someone who was coming o Cymbalta and it
worked like a ucking charm.
Iuck Joint Pain!
\hen aced with a serious joint injury, like my broken bone spur,torn tricep surgery a couple o
years ago, I do the ollowing: take 3 grams o MSM, 1500 mg. o Vitamin C, a handul o a good
digestie enzyme like \obenzyme or Medizyme, and 5 grams o L-Glutamine, on an empty stom-
ach, thrice daily. Swelling and pain go bye-bye, and doctors marel at your striking resemblance to
\olerine.
Iuck Shitty Attention Spans!
As or the other, Iè got two ways to go with it. lirst, combine a Biotest Spike with a sering o
lappy Pills or a sort o herbal Adderal. Alternatiely, you could take a combination o sulbuti-
amine, choline, and any o the racetam amily you so choose ,I preer 20mg Noopept and 1.5g
Aniracetam,. Lither will wake you up and ocus you nicely. Great or working on a massie tome
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
o strength training and nutrition knowledge. Good stu.
Iuck Depression!
1he second way is to take a sering o lappy Pills in the morning, and a sering o SAMe at night,
which will apparently work like Cymbalta, but without the inability to show emotion or generally
get excited about anything at all, haha. Another option is Phenibut, a compound deeloped in Rus-
sia that improes mood and reduces anxiety at low doses and acts as an excellent sleep aid at higher
ones. 1hus, i you Fnd yoursel bearing a stark resemblance to \eepy Smur, get on top o this
shit and you should be right as rain the next morning.
1be vtevevt. Yov Orv va | Orvivg Yov
1he other day, I was walking around in a shopping center that contained a Gold`s gym. I happened
to all in behind a couple o skinny, yet unFt, college guys, who were dressed in ashionable work-
out gear emblazoned with Under Armor and Abercrombie logos. \ithout going any urther, I
could tell they were useless douches, simply by their manner o dress, but I was bored, so I listened
in on their conersation. 1he conersation, as it turned out, was solid gold- it centered around their
brutal` workout o machine-based exercises, and their need to get their protein shakes to acilitate
recuperation thererom. It was, at its core, a conersation worthy o the ery pinnacle o douch-
baggery, the likes o which I rarely see.
Neer mind the act that these ucking retards belieed that they had just conducted a workout
worthy o inclusion in the trials o lercules- they belieed that the workout was utterly worthless
without their post-workout nutrition. 1heyè been snowed by the magazines and the supplement
companies to beliee that without the proper supplements, they cannot achiee physical greatness.
lere`s a ucking newsnash:
"J1" 3F N""IK @N\\FJ3"0
Certainly, supplements can help, and Iè spent a considerable amount o time detailing those that I
think are worthwhile. 1hat`s not to state, howeer, that they are in any way essential. Plenty o peo-
ple throughout history hae built massie physiques without the aid o supplements, through little
more than big eating and big liting. \hat supplements do is speed the process, and help undo the
deleterious eects o bad eating habits and sloth, in addition to centuries o shitty breeding habits
or most o us.
1he most important thing, in my opinion, is your training. 1hat`s because I`m primarily concerned
with the deelopment o strength, and muscle as a secondary eect. \e all know that you cannot
really out-train a bad diet, but all the dieting in the world isn`t going to build strength and muscle
without training. 1hereore, training is the bedrock o C&P. lollow that with diet. I you eat like
shit, you`re likely to look like shit, and you`ll probably train like shit as well. Last, and deFnitely least,
is the inclusion o supplements in your regime.
lermann Goerner neer took a supplement. O that much, I can assure you. 1hat didn`t stop
him rom deadliting an epic 2 lbs. with one ucking hand. 1hroughout the ages, the world has
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
produced a wide ariety o heaily muscled, bad motheruckers, like lermann Goerner, Milo o
Croton, eery single athlete who sat or a Greek or Roman statue, Punjabi wrestlers, etc. 1hey all
ocused on two things, instead o supplementation ,though they all dabbled in a ariety o odd
supplements throughout the ages,:
"K13W3W_ 1WH H3I"0
\hat , then, should you include Iè coered it aboe, but protein and a multi are the bedrock o
your supplementation, NO1 CRLA1INL. lor some reason, eery sloppy motherucker on the
planet seems to think that creatine is the essential ingredient into any workout program, to the
exclusion o eery other ucking thing o which you could think, including heay squats and dead-
lits. Creatine isn`t ucking magic- in act, i you eat red meat on a regular basis, it`s basically useless,
because red meat contains plenty o creatine. And your body can only absorb so much o it lur-
thermore, creatine`s strength beneFts are minor, and there are no real hypertrophy beneFts.
1o recap:
"K13W MNOP3W_ J1KH0
I1" \3PI 1 O1bI=1W0
F"X> c1==IK3W_ 1@XN" 3WOXWFIhNIW"31\ FJ3"8 1WH \3M" FX=I
=XKI0
KI>I1"0
Ovt, at ooa v ar orv ;1be vtevevt. Yov Orv va | Orvivg Yov, .aaevavv)
J)*$% F,*<-)(A !3 )(29 $'. ;))7 ,( +'% ;)%*0 C#$( 9)6 /)(/$(.%'.$ ;))78 9)6 6(2$'-# ,.- '5$-)*$ <)5:
$%8 3B* .)270 "#'.B- 5#9 3B* /)*<%$--,(E V <)6(7- ); -<'E#$.., ,(.) ' #'(79 *)6.#:-,]$7 +'%0
`$'.- ,.8 .#$( 7,'2- <#)($R
Hospital please.
1hat`s about the long and the short o it. 1he act that something is in a health ood store, or is
branded as a supplement, does not make it good or you, and does not mean that it`s going to help
you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently ail to realize this act, due to igno-
rance o what healthy` is, because they`re snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too
ucking stupid to know the dierence.
1hough lomer seems like a ucking retard or haing the idea that any ood in a bar orm is good
or him, there are plenty o motheruckers running around who erroneously think that the ollow-
ing are worth consuming:
O2,; @'%-
Better known as 1he Superhighway to 1ype 2 Diabetes`, this granola-Flled shitpile o a health
ood` contains a whopping 21 g o sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g o protein. As i that were
not enough o a nutritional ass-raping, the Cli Bar is chock ull o man-tit and limp-cock making
soy, which is just what eery man needs in his lie. But the sugar comes rom brown rice syrup`
you say Go uck yoursel. Sugars come in many orms, and guess what- 1lL\`RL S1ILL SUG-
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
AR. 1he source o the sugar is negligible when you`re consuming 21g in a go, especially when it`s
consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy llour, Soy \hite
Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate \hat kind o ucking eil, man-hating
cunt created soy-based chocolate Iè no idea who she is, but she is an eil bitch, and she deFnitely
ucking hates you.
Did I mention they also make a Builders Bar` that contains 20g o protein \up. Not only is the
Frst ucking ingredient Soy Protein Isolate, but it also contains Organic Soy Protein Concentrate,
Organic Oat liber, and Soy Lecithin. \ippee! I you happen to look them up, out o morbid curi-
osity, you`ll see they contain chicory syrup` and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-man`s coee,
so I thought perhaps that it was a shitty coee naoring thing, but no- that`s a non-lDA approed
term ,non GRAS and non- ClR compliant, or high ructose syrup.` I don`t know what Cli looks
like, but I`d imagine it`s a lot like this:
@'2'(/$ @'%-
1rust meat some point, weè all grabbed one in a time o catabolism and scared it down, in
hope that it will at least proide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real ood.
Ater all, it`s based on the CrossFt approed Zone macronutrient ratio o 40 carbs, 30 protein,
and 30 at, so it has to be okay or you, right \rong, uckace. 1hat diet is spawned by the same
mindset o mediocrity that produced the alleged teleision comedy` show Reba` and artistical-
ly disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both o which are proo that the gods all
hate us. 1hey`re marginally better than Cli bars, in that they contain 13g o protein, but they still
contain 16g o sugar, and g o at. Six grams o that nutritional shit show comes rom soy, and
the source o sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. I that`s not enough, these three uckers
below apparently loe Balance Bars so much that they`re willing to endorse them on bodybuilding.
com. Note the startling lack o muscular deelopment and abdominal deFnition on these winners.
\ou`re at better o getting a Quarter Pounder rom McDonalds, rankly- there`s no sugar, no soy,
costs the same, and you`re getting 24g o protein. Plus, you won`t hae to associate yoursel with
douchebags who eat Balance bars.
>)5$% @'% >%).$,(k
I`m sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone who`s eer had the grae mis-
ortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. \ell, with the Protein- bar, you can
add to that hobo`s ass naoristic stylings grittiness and a mild soy atertaste. \eah, they hae 23g o
protein in them, but they also contain 19g o sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we
are perpetually plagued.
>%)*'^ @'%-
Anytime there`s more sugar in the thing you`re eating than protein, it`s not ucking healthy. Promax
can take their 20 grams o protein and stu them up their undoubtedly at asses, because eaters o
these ucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end o their lies, or maybe
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
get a bit o both. 1wenty eight grams o sugar \hat the uck were they thinking
1(9 @%)5(,$ F)27 ,( ' J$'2.# M))7 F.)%$8 5,.# .#$ ().'+2$ $^/$<.,)( ); .#$ =$.:K^
+%)5(,$
Brownies are not healthy, no matter where they`re sold. I you eat Glenny`s 100 Calorie Brownies,
you are a ucking idiot or a couple o reasons.
12 3,4 54/6 '& 7'&8. 1hey claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come rom at, apparently, in spite
o the act that they allegedly contain 4g o at, which would be 36 calories ,9 per gram, dummy,.
\e`ll put that idiocy aside or a moment and look at the carbs ,12g, and protein ,4 g,. lirst, we`ll
tackle the carbs. 1hey hae g o Fber and 11g o sugar, which is 18g, not 12g. \e`ll pretend, how-
eer, that they simply let the Fber out because it`s indigestible. 12-4 ~ 16, and 16x4 ~64. 64-40
is 104. 1hus, or a ariety o reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are
mathematically retarded.
92 :8+;<*+ =4>> &, &8+ =4/6.(- ?*.7 ,= 5,;. Lnjoy your nonexistent libido.
\hile I`m on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you inariably see women eating are uck-
ing stupid. 100 calories o Doritos is still 100 calories o bullshit. Additionally, Iè neer seen a
woman eat just one o the ucking things. Lating multiple small serings is the same thing as eating
one big ucking sering, the exception being that the small serings all hae their own packaging,
which creates more trash, and is worse or the enironment. Apparently, the simpletons eating
those things hate eeryone else as much as they hate themseles. 1hanks, atasses.
"#,(? +$;)%$ 9)6 $'.8 ;6/?$%-0
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
!3B* /%$'.,4$8 3B* 9)6(E8 6(-/%6<62)6-8 #,E#29 *).,4'.$78 #,E#29
-?,22$70 3( $--$(/$ 5#'. 3B* -'9,(E ,- .#'. -)/,$.9 /'((). ';;)%7 .) 2)-$
me. I'm an asset.
11O1RO^ OO1^C
lO\ 1O RAISL \OUR 1LS1 LLVLLS LIKL A lUCKING CAVLMAN
One o the most oten asked questions at \e Olde Vitamin Shoppe is regarding that o testoster-
one leels, and how to raise them. I used to get marks coming in daily asking about Prime, lalo-
drol, etc., and they all want to know how to raise their test leels.
"J3F DNF" 3W: Steroids work. 1he laughably pathetic excuses or prohormones` on the mar-
ket these days don`t work. I they do work, they`re not prohormones at all- they`re either designer
steroids or extremely old steroids not in production when steroids were criminalized in the 1990s.
Chlorodrol, Superdrol, \inaar, M14ADD, DMZ, Cyanostane, etc. all all under this category.
1hey will deFnitely work, but don`t ool yoursel into thinking that because they`re legal`, they`re
not steroids. lrankly, you would be better o laying hands on illegal gear rom a reputable source
and doing it right i you`re going to do it, as you`ll get better gains and ewer sides than you will
with the legal` stu. As or the stu you see on the sheles at your local big box supplement
store, howeer, it`s worse than useless and not worth spending money on or any reason. I it
worked, none o those stores would hae insurance enough to carry it.
@6. 5',.8 9)6(E <'7'5'(000 "#$%$ ,- ' 5'9 .) %',-$ 9)6% .$-. 2$4$2-8 E$. -)*$ _>> ,(8 '(7
have a hell of a good time!
IUCK! Studies hae shown conclusiely that ejaculations lead to marked increases in serum testos-
terone leels. 1he more you cum, the higher your test leels! One study done on rats by the Insti-
tuto de Neuroetologia, Uniersidad Veracruzana, Xalapa, Ver., Mexico showed that ater 2 ejacula-
tions there was a steep rise in serum testosterone and remained higher een ater 4 ejaculations in a
row! 1hen ater you lit, your test leels are eleated, so you get in your postworkout shake, or my
aorite, 1ri-O-Plex Chocolate Chip Cookies. \hen you get home, bang your girl, or your buddy`s
girl, rub one out, or just club a random broad oer the head and drag her into the bushes or a min-
ute, old school naor. |Lditor`s note: Please do try to keep your sex consensual.|
I hae a rock solid rule- no matter what is going on in my lie, I get o a bare minimum o three
times a day, and more i I can. Many, many more times, i I can. I apply the same philosophy to sex
that I do to liting- more is better, and much more is MUCl better. As such, I stay lean as hell, and
I ucking S\LA1 testosterone.
J,E#$% .$-.)-.$%)($ 2$4$2- *$'( +$..$% <%).$,( -9(.#$-,-8 *)%$ 'EE%$--,)(8 2$-- +)79;'.8
'(7 +'-,/'229 *'?$ 9)6 ' +,EE$% +'7'--0 "#%)5 )( .)< ); .#'. .#$ _>> 9)6 E$. ;%)* d$%?:
,(E ,.8 )% ;6/?,(E8 '(7 9)6B4$ E). ' /)*+) *'7$ ,( .#$ (,(.# /,%/2$ ); #$228 ' <2'/$ 3 5,22
6(7)6+.$729 /'22 #)*$ )($ 7'90
Page 136
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
\OU CAN NLVLR lAVL 1OO MUCl 1LS1OS1LRONL, SLRIOUSL\
lae you eer been at a county air, minding your own business, eating one o those 5 lb turkey
legs and debating on whether the reakshow would be worth the >10 admission, when all o the
sudden you`re accosted by a drunken Irishman screaming Black`s the white o my eye! \ho here
will tell me that it`s ucking not` Did you notice a massie all-in brawl thereater, with a bunch o
people kicking the uck out o one another simply or the sake o a good round o ustigation
No
1hat`s likely because modern testosterone leels are depressingly low. 1hough that shit used to
occur with some regularity in places like Ireland in the 19th Century, good natured Fsticus hae
sadly gone the way o the cocaine-inused sot drink and personal reedom in general. In act,
Researchers in the US are Fnding testosterone leels to be substantially lower -- by about 15 to
20 -- than they were Fteen years ago. Scandinaian studies show similar declines, and in young-
er men too, a man born in 190, or example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a
man o his ather`s generation at the same age` ,Newswire,. 1hough people might wonder why
this is occurring, it`s pretty easy to see that the shit to eunuchs rom actual males is a bit o social
engineering by the state- the combination o enironmental toxins, goernment subsidized estro-
gen supplements in the orm o soy, criminalization o manly pastimes, and the criminalization o
nearly any exogenous substance clinically proen to raise test leels ,while estrogenic substances
like weed are being decriminalized, would put this ball o shit squarely in the goernment`s court.
Sweden actually took it a step urther, mandating that couples would lose two months o maternity
leae unless the ather was the one who took it. 1his, o course, in spite o the act that men can`t
ucking breasteed, can they Oh wait, they can. A spate o articles written in the last ten years
attest to this act.
In spite o the multitudinous articles written o late demonizing testosterone as the root o all eil,
and a careully constructed international psychosis regarding the use o testosterone enhancing
substances, testosterone is actually a tremendously good thing. It improes, among other things
,Pennebaker and McKay,:
ocabulary ,most notably words with more than 6 letters,
sex drie
aggression
physical strength
longeity
competitie spirit
metabolism
energy
... all the while reducing the leels o bullshit in your lie like ,Pennebaker,:
depression
anxiety
preoccupation with money
thoughts o death
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
In other words, testosterone is all that is good in the world. Iè detailed a wide array o methods
or increasing your testosterone in preious blogs and Iè got a ew new additions to the mix listed
below:
12 @.(A '() *,,& =,* B.((+*5. 1estosterone increases in winners, helping them to push harder
or greater adantage, while reducing in losers to protect them rom urther losses ,Bates,. Root-
ing or losers also results in a marked reduction in test leels, so maybe it`s time to burn your Lions
jersey and pick a team that might win a Super Bowl sometime in the next ucking century. Does
this reelation mean you should arm wrestle your sister luck yeah! Actually, ripping your little
sibling`s arm out o the socket is a ucking stupid idea. Make a habit o winning and rooting or
winners, though, or you might Fnd yoursel coming home to watch someone bang your wie in
ront o you in the uture. Incidentally, that would make you a cuckold. In Italy, throwing the goat
at someone is an illegal hand signal indicating that the recipient is a cuckold, so i you`re at a metal
show there, throw up the claw instead or you`ll Fnd your ass in jail.
92 :'6+ >,(-+* *+5& C+*.,)5 .( ?+&B++( 5+&5. One study showed that taking rest periods o
two minutes raised test leels, while rest periods o one minute raised Gl leels ,Rahimi et al,.
lrankly, this seems ucking silly to me, as other studies hae shown that test and Gl leels are pos-
itiely correlated. lor the slow kids, that means i you raise one, you raise the other ,laigin 11,.
D2 E+ =4/6.(- '--*+55.F+. Doing aggressie shit makes you more aggressie, and testosterone
is positiely correlated with aggression. As such, you can literally become a perpetual motion ma-
chine o awesomeness i you structure your lie right- playing Call o Duty while listening to death
metal and punching a heay bag might make your balls double in size in one hour. Actually, that`s
hyperbole, but that would be ucking awesome i it was true ,Patterson and Anderson,.
X( ' -,7$ ().$8 l+2'/?B- .#$ 5#,.$ ); *9 $9$B8 ,- ' 7$;6(/. -',2)%B- <#%'-$ .#'. ,(7,/'.$-
that you want to fucking ght anybody nearby. According to Lncyclopedia.com, it's an
,(7,E('(. %$+6..'2 ); ' /#'%E$ ); *,-7$*$'()% '(7 .#'. '22 #$ #'- d6-. -',7 ,- .#$ .%6.#8
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 1hat's a genius fucking way of starting a
ght, as it clearly makes the ght completely impersonal and invitational, which is the
best way for a good-natured ght to occur.
More ideas, rom past blogs:
G'()>+ ' -4(. 1his makes you more aggressie, presumably because you`re holding the
sum total o iolent intent orm eery pre-gunpowder generation in your bare hands.
H,>,*5 >.6+ *+) '() ?>'/6 /'( ?,,5& ;,4* &+5& >+F+>5, as they`re awesome. lrankly, any-
thing associated with the A-1eam should make any red-blooded American`s cock hard.
E+.(- '>,(+ .( ' *,,7 B.&8 ' B,7'( ,een those you don`t Fnd attractie,, causes men`s
test leels to rise. I`d enture to guess this doesn`t work with women whom you`d Fnd so complete-
ly unuckable as to cause you to consider them odder or a trip to the camps, but apparently aer-
age looking women will do.
I(J,;'?>+ 745./ .(/*+'5+5 ),C'7.(+ >+F+>5, and dopamine leels are positiely correlat-
ed with testosterone leels, so music you like ,i.e. metal, will probably increase your test leels.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Additional random acts Iè recently learned about testosterone:
:8+ &+'*5 ,= B,7+( >,B+* &+5& >+F+>5 .( 7+(. 1his is ironic, gien that Genghis Khan
ucked more than any other human being on Larth, and he claimed 1he greatest pleasure is to
anquish your enemies and chase them beore you, to rob them o their wealth and see those dear
to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wies and daughters.`
le had, presumably, more than enough test to oercome the drop o ound recently in scientiFc
research. Interestingly, the scent o tears made men think uck that bitch` rather than I want to
uck that bitch` or awwwwww`. Additionally, I ound it odd that the mere sight o a crying wom-
en was ound to be sexually unappealing and created a drop in test, gien that Iè not seen a decent
deep throat scene in my lie that didn`t inole some tears. And slapping. And omiting.
I`m pretty sure this makes me a bad person. Luckily, my test leels are high enough that I don`t
care.
Changing gears, competition has been shown in studies to increase test leels in women. 1hat may
or may not hae something to do with the aorementioned oddity, but I`ll leae that or you people
to decide. Prior to competition, women`s` test leels raise ar more than do their male counterparts,
an aerage o 49 increase as opposed to a 15 increase in men. As such, it might behooe those
women still inexplicably reading this blog to start competing more, as you`ll Fnd yourseles leaner
and stronger as a result.
lOLD 1lL lUCKING PlONL- BLlOLD 1lL .tba Mate Cbattevge!
Oh my dear lord. I just Fnished this paean to weakness, and I hae to say that I am iscerally shak-
en. My aith in humanity, what little was let, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit
upon by albino rats the size o bull terriers. low could this be, though Isn`t this a book about
Alpha Males A call to arms or the last ew ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, lie-ruining, brig-
andage-loing, rough motheruckers ull o spit and inegar to band together to wipe out the pseu-
do-males who currently surround us and conound our eery eort to enjoy our lies
Nope. It`s a handbook or total pussies to ollow so they can ape the real men, while reraining
rom actually engaging in any behaior Alpha males might enjoy. 1o wit, here`s an actual bit o
Q&A rom the book:
Q: Do I need to be an Alpha Male to start the program? A: Absolutely not.
Are you as shocked and horriFed as I \ou should be. As eery rational person knows, one cannot
be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesn`t work. An alpha naturally leads. le naturally does
what he ucking wants, and knocks the shit out o anything standing betwixt himsel and the thing
he wants, be it pussy or the contents o a bank ault. le doesn`t require coaching reminiscent o
1he Secret` to hope or what he wants, and he sure as shit doesn`t use terms like Alpha Lmpa-
thy.`
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
"#,- +))?8 ;)2?-8 ,- ' .%'E$79 ); $<,/ ;6/?,(E <%)<)%.,)(-0 122)5 *$ .) $26/,7'.$0
1o begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea or men to stop being pussies, all the while
giing a laundry list o excuses or why the men` to whom they`re appealing act like menopausal
women. 1he authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress o modern lie or the
paucity o testosterone running through the eins o American men, and oers them a challenge`
in the orm o a positie and empowering call to action.` Sluts and motheruckers, we are o to a
shit-show o a start. 1hey do, howeer, pause to gie you a list o things you should not do i you
want to keep your test leels up. 1hey are as ollows, with my parenthetical addendums:
$K LK: MNOO3 ,UNLLSS \OU PLAN ON BLING A S\INGLR,. 1est leels decline
ater marriage because the male is no longer competing or the attention o his mate ,5,.
$KL<: PI: KQ$ KO RN: ,UNLLSS \OU`RL JACKING A SlI1LOAD Ol 1LS1,. 1,3
o men oer the age o 45 hae clinically low testosterone leels, and the odds o low testosterone
are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test leels drop 1-2 a year ater the age o 35, so
you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly ,4,.
$K LK:A RKO :GI QKSI KR NQQ :GN:<" GKQ3A GNSI ,LLGI1IMA1L, HGTQ$OIL. Physi-
cally actie males aerage 8 hours o exercise a week ,pussies,. 1hose with children, howeer, aer-
age a paltry 3.5 ,3,.
$K LK: QTSI TL :GT" HIL:UO3 ,UNLLSS 1RIBULUS IS A CORNLRS1ONL Ol
\OUR SUPPLLMLN1A1ION RLGIML,. A study in the Journal o Clinical Lndocrinology and
Metabolism showed a progressie decline in testosterone leels in men since 198, and another
study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934 ,,.
Ater those tidbits, howeer, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, who`s an expert in steroid
litigation and legality, and Villepigue, who`s an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call
iolent, assertie bad boys aux alpha males`, and suggests that becoming an Alpha` will allow
you to be a better person and a better citizen, a better ather and husband, a better co-worker or
a better boss, |and| a better caretaker o yoursel and those around you.` lOL\ lORSLSlI1,
BA1MAN! Let`s list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we
"$779 K))-$4$2.. Insanely pissed o and motiated, he organized his own priate army to join
the Spanish American \ar ater being denied a commission in the US Army. Ater leading the
Rough Riders on a ariety o near-suicidal missions, Rooseelt went on to the \hite louse, where
he ought pro boxers and wrestlers in the \hite louse, regularly went skinny dipping in the Poto-
mac, and reused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate
while in oFce. le was shot while giing a speech, then helped beat the shit out o his would-be
assassin and Fnished the speech beore going to the hospital. Ater retiring rom politics, he em-
barked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in haing a rier named ater him. li-
nally, he was an accomplished writer and reader, and was nuent in multiple languages. Get action.
Seize the moment. Man was neer intended to become an oyster.`
_$(E#,- P#'(. Insanely bad man who, ater being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire con-
Page 140
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
tinent. Genghis established the Frst high-speed long distance postal serice, organized an army
on the decimal system or the Frst time, killed millions o people eer year, and sired just about as
many- 8 o the people in Asia, 00 years ater his death, bear his genes. 1hough most o his time
was spent with the business o killing anyone within arm`s reach and building pyramids with their
heads, Genghis still ound time to marry six women and utilize a massie harem, and is crediting
with athering at least lUNDRLDS o children, i not thousands. 1he greatest pleasure is to an-
quish your enemies and chase them beore you, to rob them o their wealth and see those dear to
them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wies and daughters.`
N2; J%$7'. lreda`s a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland o
the 11th Century or slaughtering legions o motheruckers with a broadsword. Under ligh King
Brian Boru, Ul the Quarrelsome ,best nickname eer!, led an army through Ireland, uniting it
under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him beore they could draw their swords. Did
he need to do much else I think not. \ol the Quarrelsome cut open Brodir`s belly, and led him
round and round the trunk o a tree, and so wound all his entrails out o him, and he did not die
beore they were all drawn out o him. Brodir`s warriors were slain to a man.`
1lLSL ARL ALPlA MALLS, by the traditional deFnition, which is: a male in a pack o woles,
or a similar pack or troop o animals, that other members submit to and ollow and that takes
priority in mating with emales ,according to Lncarta,. 1hey are not, howeer, the touchy-eely
douches detailed in the soiled pages o 1he Alpha Male Challenge. 1hey don`t alue emotional
intelligence` and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap alpha empathy`, as do Villepigue and
Collins on page 48- they`re too busy ucking broads in public thoroughares and slapping the liing
piss out o anyone who has something to say about it.
.MC deotes an entire chapter to deeloping the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. 1his chap-
ter coaches lesser men into acting in a conFdent manner by adopting a eigned air o competence
and presence, which they claim will garner them respect. \hat it will really get them, howeer, is
mocked or their misplaced sense o conscience, because eery real man in the room will see right
through that careully-crated acade o courageousness, mental toughness, and haing a con-
science.` Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience I highly ucking doubt it. le was too busy
trying to Fgure out how to rip out a man`s inner child so he could roast it oer an open Fre and
leae the less tasty bits to his pet alcons.
And how would you determine your Alpha-ness? Why, a Malescale, of course!
I could not make this shit up i I tried. 1he Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a
scale o 1-10. Questions like:
I am ery good at looking at things rom the iewpoint o other people`
I tried my hardest oer the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or
expecting something in return`
I can resist eating my aorite junk ood een when others are eating it in ront o me`
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
1hereater, they list 5 assessments o Alpha Architecture:
1. llexed bicep measurement
2. Chest to waist dierential
3. Vertical leap
4. Max bench s body weight ,because there is no greater measure o male superiority in the
gym than the bench press`. Really I`m guessing they`re reerring to Bally`s, and you`d hae to look
long and ucking hard to Fnd anything resembling an Alpha Male in a commercial Ftness center,
methinks.,
5. 1he 300 run ,25 yd gassers in between two lines,
So, rather than judging one`s sel on the ability to uck bitches and lead men, as per the Lncar-
ta deFnition, it`s how to impress CultFtters at the CrossFt Games, or oily douches whoè neer
trained legs at Bally`s. lantastic.
1he diet section begins un-shittily, enumerating the beneFts o eating in a Paleolithic ashion. 1he
wheels then all o, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks o the zone, and tell their betas that
it`s ok to eat ruit popsicles ,what kind o ucking man eats popsicles Do they think the Duke ate
them Chuck Bronson just couldn`t wait or a udgesicle ater dinner Sweet baby Jesus.,, drink
milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all o which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they
suggest that you hae lots o resh ruit on hand or making SMOO1lILS
1he horror o this book will haunt me or the remainder o my days. But there`s more- the actual
workout. I`m sure, by this point, you know that it`s going to be less manly than a threesome be-
tween Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Lddie Izzard, and you`re right- out o 52 exercises they listed
,neermind their power tube alternaties,, 28 are machine exercises, are ab exercises, and only
three are actual compound moements. None o the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the
ast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. lardly man-makers, this lot. lardly mus-
cle-makers, either. 1hey do, howeer, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism
one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works.
IE),-* ,- .#$ '(.,.#$-,- ); '2.%6,-*0 1%()27 F/#5'%]$($EE$% ,- '2.%6,-*B- ($*$-,-0
1hat. Just. lappened. Or, you can choose rom their Play leart Actiity Menu, which has an
alpha extreme: superision required` list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon.
lO\ 1lL lUCK \OULD ONL SLLK SUPLRVISION \lILL lRLL RUNNING Oh, and
i you`re curious, sphereing consists o rolling downhill in a massie hamster ball. \up.
In summary, consider sel-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternatie to ollowing the orm and
letter o this book, which is so patently oensie to masculinity as a whole that the authors o this
piece o shit should commit Aeppuku on Good Morning America in attrition or their actions.
I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heay machinery and
drinking copious amounts o liquor, accompanied by multiple women o loose moral Fber.
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LNOUGl ALRLAD\: e ava aaaa..er, .re Defvitiret, vterrivea, Part 1.
On nearly eery strength training and bodybuilding website on the internet, there`s some jackass
asking a question to which the answer should be obious- will jerking o,ucking negatiely im-
pact my workouts` Now, putting aside the act that said moron should drown himsel in a ucking
bucket o bleach or een contemplating abstinence were the answer to be in the aFrmatie, allow
me to lay this sick dog to rest:
F$^6'2 '/.,4,.9 '(7 @'7'--$%9 '%$ ,($^.%,/'+29 ,(.$%.5,($70
1his should not be anything that needs to be inestigated, as it seems about as obious as anything
could possibly be.
@'&/8 C,*(. Men and women`s` test leel raise 100 and 80 in response to sexual stim-
uli. 1hat means that both o your libidos will rise accordingly, due to the act that both men and
women`s` sex dries are dependant on their testosterone leels ,New Scientist,. Additionally, stud-
ies hae shown that sexual stimuli will increase both Ll production and test leels, so not only will
your cock be rock hard, ellas, but you`ll be droppin` motherucking loads like Nick Manning all the
lie long day ,Stoleru,.
R4/6 ,* 7'5&4*?'&+ ,or both, N" MUHG N" VK""TEQI. A study in Mexico showed that
serum testosterone leels in rats rose markedly ater two consecutie orgasms, and een urther
ater our ,lernandez,. Additionally, requent sex improes sex hormone regulation in men and
women, and boosts blood essel health.... |and| lrequent ejaculation reduces the risk o prostate
enlargement and cancer ,JSM,. On top o that, studies hae shown that in addition to those pos-
itie hormonal nuctuations, cumming has positie eects on your endocrine system, and causes
your body to produce more adrenaline, prolactin, and killer cells, which in turn improes immune
system unction.,BB.com, 1hus, by getting o as much as humanly possible, you`re generating
a shitload o testosterone in both men and women, leutinizing hormone in men, and improing
your recoery time rom hard workouts in both. It goes without saying that you`re also getting
o, which means that you`ll hae eleated leels o dopamine ,which reduces pain and improes
mood,, and that you`ll be burning calories, which will make you leaner, in addition to improing
your cardio.
lor those guys, who like me, want kids like they want AIDS, there`s more good news with this type
o a compulsie ucking,masturbating scheme- your sperm count drops like a motherucker ,to
about 2 o norm,. 1hat means ,though I`m not endorsing this, you can go bareback without
the bare acts and not worry quite so much ,lreund,.
In the second hal o this, I`ll go into a bit more detail, but in the meantime, use this as a reason to
spend Labor Day laboring your ass o in the bedroom.
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LNOUGl ALRLAD\: e ava aaaa..er, .re Defvitiret, vterrivea, Part 2.
Neer beore hae I been so pleased at my ability to sow the seeds o discord as i hae been with
this series o blogs. lrankly, I thought that eeryone could agree that we should all uck more and
masturbate more, since getting o is pretty much the best ucking thing to happen in the history o
oreer. Apparently, I was wrong. Some o you, it appears, Fnd that it saps you o your will to lie,
or something, which is as hilarious as it is sad. Still others are deeply coninced by a study done in
China that cumming more than once eery seen days is less than optimal. 1hat`s understandable,
I suppose, because recent studies hae shown that 9,10 o the people on Larth suck really ucking
hard, and 19,20 o the people on the planet suck anywhere between a lot and really ucking hard.
lirst, a logical argument or constant sexual stimulation. It`s been deFnitiely proen, beyond a
shadow o a doubt, that libido is heaily dependent on testosterone in both men and women. lor
both, supplemental testosterone is positiely indicated to treat hypoactie sexual desire, which
would indicate that more testosterone creates more sex drie. lor eidence o this, you merely
need to google it- I`m not going to post citations to the dozens and dozens o studies that cor-
roborate my statement. Should you eel the need to do so, eel ree- I assure you that this is or
all intents and purposes an incontroertible act. Gien that this is a act, it would stand to reason
that engaging in sexual actiity would not negatiely aect your sex drie, as to do so would deeat
the purpose o the rise in testosterone in the Frst place. Additionally, it would dey the biological
imperatie towards procreation, and diminish one`s interest in sexual actiity, which would indicate
that one`s genetic material would not get passed on to subsequent generations. 1hus, the idea that
ucking or jerking o would lower test leels is ucking absurd.
Casting logic aside, as so many people appear to do when it comes to sex, let`s continue to look at
the science. lirst, a recent study has shown that optimal sexual perormance requires hormonal
changes that are best deeloped through regular sexual actiity.
Our results showed that a 9-day training period was not suFcient or some male rats to
acquire a good leel o sexual perormance. \hile 42.5 o the rats displayed excellent
sexual perormance during the training sessions, 1.5 showed adequate perormance, .5
had low sexual actiity, and 32.5 o the rats did not display any sexual behaiors whatso-
eer. Additionally, ater 4 days o training, rats with excellent,adequate perormance showed
a signiFcant decrease in ejaculation latency relatie to the Frst day o training. 1he rats with
low or no sexual actiity had lower progesterone leels relatie to those displaying the high-
est sexual perormance ater 9 days o training. 1estosterone, in turn, was also signiFcantly
reduced in animals with low,no sexual perormance compared with excellent,adequate
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rats`,1uFk,.
1his means that ucking,jerking o a great deal will reduce your downtime, make you a better lay,
and will raise your testosterone leels. Gien that it`s my supposition ,backed by science, that sex-
ual actiity raises testosterone leels, this is airly compelling- not only does it raise your test leels,
but it proides you with the necessary biological response to get you laid more, rather than less ,as
the obliquely cited Chinese study aboe would assert,.
As an aside- practice makes ucking perect with sex. 1here are entire books deoted to helping
you train to be a better lay ,like Built or Sex and Nate Green`s book,, and eeryone rom urologists
to sex therapists recommend that masturbation is the perect way to prime the pump or people
with low libidos. Additionally, or those o you who might be a little quick on the draw, there`s
some eidence that compulsie leels o masturbatory actiity will increase your staying power and
your turnaround time. 1hat`s just a little icing on the cake or you. I knights in the Middle Ages
would practice ucking goose down with 30 lbs o weights attached to their hips so they could uck
without remoing their armor, you people can spend a ew hours a week jerking it like you mean it
so you`re not Fring the second you get out o the gate when some broad Fnally gets naked or you.
lor those ladies out there, personal experience and some studies I ailed to cite gae compelling
eidence that masturbation is pretty much essential or your sex dries and markedly increase your
chances o cumming during sex ,although oeruse o pocket rockets seem to desensitize the clit
like no other, so take it easy with those things,. As I cited in the last blog, orgasms raise emale test
leels as well, and will thus make you stronger, leaner, and generally more awesome in just about
eery way, so start giing it up ,at least to yourseles, i not to anyone else,.
Next, there`s no eidence whatsoeer supporting the idea that orgasms rom sex or onanism in any
way hae a negatie physical eect on athletic perormance, and there is some eidence showing
that sex within 24 hours o competition actually improes it ,layes 205, Sohn,. 1here`s anecdotal
eidence, howeer, that the psychological eect o sex can hae an either positie or negatie eect
on athletic perormance, but it`s unknown whether this is due to some particular psychological
makeup, or i it`s simply a placebo eect. I`m inclined toward the latter, due to the act that many
people appear to conince themseles that certain actiities or supplements will result in a gien
eect and create the perception o the eect simply by willing it to be so. I your body can reduce
your perception o pain due to the expectation o a reduction in pain ,Mirsky,, then it would stand
to reason that you could either suck or kick ass in athletics rom the placebo eect as well.
linally, and in direct relation to the title o this blog- there`s direct eidence that badassery and a
proliFc sex lie are intertwined. One really needs to look no urther than Genghis Khan, who was
both the penultimate badass and the most impressie sexual athlete o all time. 1here`s really no
eidence o a dedicated masturbatory schedule or Genghis, but this is likely due to the act that
he was ar too busy ucking and killing to hae a spare moment or masturbation- .5 o the peo-
ple in the world trace their lineage to Genghis ,34,336,48.6 people on Larth can honestly call him
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their super-great-grandpa, and the Mongols are credited with the deaths o 40 million people. Ad-
ditionally, he was credited with haing great physical strength`, so any idea that he was weakened
by sex can be discarded.
Right up there with Genghis was Rasputin, proud owner o a cerix-destroying 13` Godzilla cock,
the ability to control the weather, massie physical strength, and the only libido on Larth that could
match Genghis`s. le ucked eery broad on whom he laid eyes, including the Lmpress o Russia,
and suried be poisoned, shot multiple times, stabbed, and strangled, only to die o drowning
ater he was tossed into a rier.
At this point, it should come as no shock to you that bad boys ,who demonstrably possess more
testosterone than nice guys`, get ar more ass than nice guys` ,Grayson,. I would attribute this
to a ariety o actors, but they all boil down to testosterone in the end- guys with more test hae
more masculine acial eatures, better bodies, harder and bigger cocks, and smell better ,due to their
heightened immune system,, all o which increase their attractieness to women ,I hae no speciFc
citation here, but check out the .vatov, of ore, the .vatov, of e, and sundry Discoery Channel
and 1LC programs on this,.
"#$ D$5,-# E)7 ?,22$7 X('( +$/'6-$ #$ %$;6-$7 .) ?()/? 6< #,- +%).#$%B- 5,;$8 (). +$/'6-$
#$ d'/?$7 ,. )% +2$5 #,- 2)'7- )( #$% +'/?0
I you`re unconinced, at this point, that extraordinarily requent orgasms are hormonally essential
and indispensable or your oerall health, you`re either dyslexic or a undamentalist Christian. In
the Frst case, seek medical attention, and in the latter case, you need to reread the Bible and ines-
tigate the deFnitions o words like adultery` in the historical sense. \ou`ll be pleasantly surprised
at what you Fnd. lor the rest o you- get o as much as you can, and not only will you be some
ridiculously happy motheruckers, but you`ll see positie changes in body recomposition, oerall
wellness, and athletic perormance.
\$.B- 7) ,. 2,?$ .#$9 7) )( .#$ H,-/)4$%9 O#'(($20
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Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do?
M^1.
LVIL \ILL AL\A\S 1RIUMPl, BLCAUSL GOOD IS DUMB.
I thought I`d take this opportunity to blog on a more personal note, i or no other reason than
Iè been catching shit rom just about eeryone recently, and Iè enjoyed it thoroughly. Iè been
accused o being eerything rom an attention whore to gay, retarded, un-alpha, pretentious, and
then simply downright, old-ashioned eil. \ell, most o those are probably true. On that note, my
git to you is a hilarious email I receied, and my |expanded| response. Bear in mind, on this most
materialistic and consumer-drien spending smorgasbord, that this is a guy to whom Iè been
giing adice or a couple o years, oer the phone and ia email, and since his diorce hae been
coaching him on how to pick up chicks, and recently helped him edit his proFle on a dating website
to acilitate his ass-getting adentures. Additionally, he has two kids who are handicapped in some
manner. Clearly, in spite o my good deeds, he`s got plenty o reason to hate me just on the kids
deal.
1he email:
\ow, I just Fnished reading your blog on the alpha male book. Do you honestly eel the
only releant things to a mans lie are to kill people and uck women I mean, I hae my re-
spect or the conquerors o the past, but I don`t idolize those motheruckers or their morale
|sic| Fber. So... the strong dominate and kill the weak, make necklaces out o their teeth, ect,
|sic| whateer. Are you liing in a ucking moie or something Do you really think that is all
there is to human lie \our comments on retarded people and cripples ,my son included,,
you think that is a show o real strength \hat the uck is wrong with you dude I hae a lot
o respect or you, I really do, but your lack o honor and respect or those types o people,
and mysel, shows a really weak side o you, that looks to me like you can`t deal with. I re-
alize the act that you hae no responsibility past yoursel, you hae told me that yoursel. I
hae always prized mysel on being strong and not liing in ear that I can`t show mysel, or
how I eel about shit. I don`t hae to hide it under a bunch o clich macho ucking bullshit.
lor example, I like the moie 1be ôteboo/. Oh, am I a big pussy now \hat the uck is this,
high school I am not really sure i I am getting the wrong picture rom the way you blog
or talk about yoursel, but the way you do portrays you don`t hae a compassionate bone
in your ucking body. I your real attitude is to kill the weak, and uck women, then you are
deFnitely taking human eolution backwards.`
And my somewhat expanded answer:
\ou`re shot right out o a ucking cannon today. \ell, the short ersion is, no, I don`t beliee that
that`s what a man is supposed to do. I do KNO\, howeer, that that`s what alpha males o any
species do. 1hey`re not necessarily good athers, but they produce a lot o kids. I criticized the
act that you had 1be ôteboo/ in your proFle because it appeared to be sleazy bullshit thrown into
Page 14
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
your robotically-written proFle to make chicks think you had a sensitie side, while none o the
rest o your proFle alluded to any such thing. \ou can like whateer you want- I`ll still break your
balls about 1be ôteboo/. Just because I think your loe o the moie is 11 dierent kinds o hilar-
ious doesn`t mean I`m judging you as a person. I`m not Christian, and I don`t bother with judging
people. I leae that to them. As to your criticism that I am taking human eolution backwards`
by suggesting that the production o genetically unFt children is irresponsible and cruel, you`re a
ucking moron- you are intentionally diluting the gene pool with your ailure and orcing a crea-
ture that should not lie through an existence no one should hae to endure. As such, you`re an
irresponsible, selFsh, shitty human being who thinks no urther than themseles beore dumping
your mutant on society at large so we can support its existence, and the possibility o its children`s
existence. I might be socially retarded and emotionless, but youè taken actie and tangible steps
towards weakening humanity. Congratulations.
As or their moral Fber, I could gie a uck- I`m not in the business o morality. I am, or all intents
and purposes, a Satanist. 1his means I hae as much physical pleasure as possible without imped-
ing others` ability to do the same. Insoar as I ollow any belie system, I`m an Odinist, and I pretty
much lie by the nine Noble Virtues:
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Y0 1(/$-.%9 ,- +$..$% .#'( 6(,4$%-'2,-*
\ou and I are just going to hae to agree to disagree on human eolution. I think compassion has
irreocably ucked up human eolution, and we`re a shell o our ormer seles. 1hat`s one man`s
opinion. It might be wrong, but as my opinion either way is worth a bucket o warm piss in the
grand scheme o things, I`ll eel ree to gie it.
linally, you o all people should recognize the act that my writing style represents a somewhat
Fctionalized ersion o mysel. It`s a super-me. I Fre or eect a lot, and I hae un getting rises
out o people. As such, I thoroughly enjoyed your email and your righteous indignation, which was
hilarious, gien the act that I
1. proclaim to the heaens that I`m a total asshole all oer my blog, and
2. hae taken a decent amount o time to help you out with a ariety o things and chat with
you, which would seem to indicate that I don`t spend a lot o time judging you or your kids. lor the
record, howeer, I`m really not terribly compassionate. I`m occasionally empathetic, but I don`t do
a lot o hand-wringing about it, and it almost neer extends past people whom I personally know
well.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
Sympathy and empathy are two traits that should hae remained the sole puriew o women, but
or whateer reason ,I blame Christianity or this as well,, men hae gotten in on the game as well.
Now, they`re puttering around the house wearing aprons and breasteeding their children while
their wies withhold sex rom them and earn money or the household. It`s horseshit, and begets
weakness.
3( -#)%.8 ,.B- +$..$% .) +$ #'.$7 .#'( ;)%E)..$(0
Lil \ill Always 1riumph, Because Good Is Dumb: 1he Science
lew things in lie hae bothered me more than the propensity or lollywood to allow the uck-
ing mealy-mouthed weenie to win. Lery. Single. 1ime. Darth Vader got his shit handed to him
by a tiny, sister-ucking douche with big hair, Ian Drago and Clubber Lang both got their asses
whipped by a mentally challenged man hal their size, ucking lrank Dux beat the master o Asian
disaster and reigning world champion o pectoral oerdeelopment Chong Li... the list is ucking
endless. \ell, my riends, Iè got good news- according to scientists, that shit is not happening in
real lie.
Instead, it`s the bad guys ,and girls, who uck the most, hae the best sex, are the strongest, the
most aggressie, and generally better in eery possible way. According to science, cott Pitgriv r..
1be !orta should hae ended with Chris Lans ripping o one o Michael Cera`s emaciated arms
and Fstucking Cera`s retardedly hot punk rock girlriend with it, both o them laughing as Cera
dies o bloodloss. \hy Because eil always wins, and bad guys always get the girl.
lor those o you who missed the original installment o this series, it pretty much stemmed rom
the act that I get called an asshole. A lot. So much, in act, that I ound it necessary to repost an
email I got with an expanded reply detailing the ways in which I`m a hal-assed Satanist, hate pretty
much eerybody, and generally rule. lis missie was written in response to my excellent critique
o the Alpha Male Challenge, and was or the most part ucking ridiculous... especially because I`m
right.
Science is a wonderul thing, especially when it conFrms eerything Iè eer thought about the
world. In this particular case, it seems that science has been co-opted by a bunch o my ellow
sociopaths, as theyè shown airly deFnitiely that eil` is a synonym or awesome` and that the
suburban white picket ence antasy`s going to leae you a miserable cuckold in a beige house with
an empty wallet, a minian, and a pack o screaming kids. On the other hand, eil` people like
mysel are going to be busy banging eerything in sight, dripping with testosterone, liting obscene
amounts o weight, and generally making lie our punk bitch.
1o whom, then, are we reerring \e`re reerring to those parties dressed in black who enter a
room looking like they`re going to smash something, making children cry at eery opportunity,
and generally think they`re the shit. I`m not talking Chuck Manson stabs you in the ucking spine
eil`, as that sort o eil presents a wide array o social problems and generally comes with enough
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autism and sociopathy to Fll a small soccer stadium in londuras. 1hat shit doesn`t work. 1he bad
boy,edgy slut, howeer, kick all sorts o ass. 1he types o people who are clearly disagreeable,
ery extroerted and like trying new things - killing people, new women`... these are the people
who lie the best lies ,\erman,.
\e`re talking people like Vin Diesel`s character in Pitch Black, Jason Statham or Amy Smart in the
Crank series, or Clint Lastwood in just about anything- badasses, and not good guys`, but not out
to royally uck oer eeryone on the planet... maybe just uck them and then roll some asshole or
his wallet in the parking lot.
According to science:
:8+ B'; &8+; )*+55 =4/6.(- *4>+5. 1he bad boys and girls in the moies almost neer
wear anything but dark clothing, and there`s a good reason or it. \hether it`s Jaime Pressly in
1orque or Darth Maul, you know when they enter the room that someone`s getting ucked, and
someone`s getting ucked up. 1his is because the color black makes us more aggressie, and may
raise testosterone leels. People who wear black Fnd that their personality changes, making them
ar more aggressie, iolent, and audacious... which basically means that they`re a hell o a lot more
awesome ,Smith 513,. I tend to wear a hell o a lot o black in the gym, and apparently it`s or
damn good reason.
:8+; -+& >'.) ' 8+>> ,= ' >,& 7,*+ &8'( &8+ 'F+*'-+ ?+'*. Scientists hae ound that peo-
ple who score highest in narcissism, machiaellianism, and psychopathy hae a MUCl higher body
count. 1hey uck more oten, and uck many more people ,\erman,. 1his is due to a couple o
actors, it appears, including:
1hey sme|| beuer. \omen Fnd the pheremones o dominant,authoritatie,badass
men to be ar more sexually appealing than that o douchebag ratboys, atbodies, or skinny nerds.
According to one article, women pick up on the scent o guys with high testosterone leels and
instantly get wet or them, due to the act that they perceie those guys as more irile ,Montaner,.
:8+;<*+ 4(7'**.+). Married men hae test leels like pubescent girls, and the more
time they spend with their wie and kids, the worse it gets ,Gray 2004,. 1his is compounded by the
act that married people sleep ar worse than do single people ,who get their own bed,, which raises
their cortisol leels and correspondingly decreases their test leels urther ,New Scientist,. 1his, in
turn, makes them smell less good to their spouse, which gets them laid less, and the cycle contin-
ues until they`re driing a powder blue minian and helping their wie decorate the stage or their
daughter`s ballet recital.
:8+; ),(<& 8'F+ 6.)5. 1he aboe-cited Gray also dropped this happy little nugget
on us childless assholes- testosterone leels in married men with kids were lower than married guys
with kids and, o course, unmarried men. Don`t beliee me Suck on this: Among married men
without children, higher scores on a spousal inestment` measure and more hours spent with a
man`s wie on his last day o work were both associated with lower 1 leels. \e suggest that lower
1 leels during the day among athers may acilitate paternal care in humans by decreasing the like-
lihood that a ather will engage in competitie and,or mating behaior` ,Gray 2002,. low much
does that suck Not only does marriage automatically mean your sex lie`s on its last legs, but een
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your body betrays a man to the point where he may well not een be able to get it up i he manages
to pry apart the rusty spring trap his wie`s legs hae become. 1his is why Cougarlie.com exists, I
suppose. 1hanks, married guys!
:8+;<*+ C*,?'?>; 5>4&5. Unpartnered heterosexual men and ,interestingly, non-heterosex-
ual women hae higher testosterone leels when not in a relationship. 1his may be, howeer, due
to the act that people with lower testosterone leels generally place themseles in relationships in
the Frst place, howeer ,Van Anders and \atson,.
:8+; 8'F+ 8.-8 &+5&,5&+*,(+ >+F+>5. ligh testosterone leels hae been linked to in-
creased sexual actiity, inFdelity and marital connict. lellas, this means that your body count`s
going to be impressie, but your bank account is going to get lUCKLD. Pre-nup, anyone My
recommendation`s actually open relationships- that way, eeryone get`s laid, there`s no sneaking, and
there`s a ery high likelihood o group sex |Ld- I you don`t like group sex, youè really got no
reason to read this blog| ,1haindian News,.
Lest you worry, there`s more to come. In the next installment, you`ll Fnd out why assholes Fght so
much, why they hae better sex, and why they`re stronger than nice guys.
LVIL \ILL 1RIUMPl, BLCAUSL GOOD IS DUMB: 1be cievce Covtivvea.
C$228 .#$ +)..)* 2,($8 5#'. 3B* .%9,(E .) .$22 9)6 .)(,E#.8
,- .#'. $4,2000$$$$4,2000 ,- ($/$--'%90
I4,2 ,- ($/$--'%98 .#$%$+98 ,; ,.B- ($/$--'%98 $4,2000
: I4,2000 : 000*6-. +$ E))70
I4,2 ,- E))70
Brigands, thugs, hooligans, scoundrels... anti-heroes and anti-heroines. 1hat`s who grabs the uck-
ing ring at the top o a mountain ater three moies consisting o nothing but a shitload o walk-
ing, punctuated by brie periods o sobbing and a hell o a lot o Li 1yler not being shirtless, not
some atass and his pre-pubescent shitheel riend- that shit only happens in godawul moies and
oerly-long, badly written stories. 1his is why the Punisher and Batman`s sales will always beat Su-
perman`s, and why the white knights o the interwebz will continue to remain unlaid- no one ucks
a nice guy, and ew people will ollow a nice guy` anywhere but to church.
Not unlike the legendary strength and tenacity o \olerine, regular people with a mean streak
hae been shown in a ariety o studies to outperorm the nice. 1his should come as no surprise
to anyone- just like the ultra eil Darkseid killed o goody two-shoes, Cub Scout Superman, Ari-
can honey badgers tear the liing shit out o much larger animals like gazelles, uels by nothing but
hate and a diet heay in meat products. Like the honey badger and Darkseid, it`s critical that you
channel your inner lulk and ucking yell and smash until whateer stands in your way is reduced to
smoking rubble.
Ler notice that comic book characters clench their Fsts more than Channing 1atum clenches his
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jaws while trying to Fgure out how to get a single human emotion to pass across his robotic, crunk
dancing ace 1here`s actually a pretty ucking good reason or that hand clenching- other than
looking cool, it makes the clencher stronger. Lxperiments show that physically gripping some-
thing boosts your endurance and mental willpower. 1his phenomenon hasn`t just been restricted
to a single study o meta-analysis o Jason Statham moies, who clenches his Fsts and bunches his
shoulders better than anyone- rather, it`s been proen in a whole series o experiments. In one, they
ound that people could endure pain twice as long ,in this case, rom holding their hands in icy wa-
ter, i they squeezed the holy uck out o an object with their other hand at the same time. Another
study ound that the same could be applied to people trying to exhibit a modicum o willpower
when making ood choices- i they rolled into the store with their shoulders bunched and their Fsts
clenched like they were summoning their inner lugh Jackman meets Ambrose Burnside, they were
ar better at resisting the urge to buy junk ood. 1ake note, those o you with shitty willpower- i
you just act angry as all hell at your bodyat when ordering a meal, you`re ar more likely to eat like
a machine and hate yoursel into looking good ,Daily Mail,.
1(7 9)6 ?()5 5#'. *'?$- 9)6 -.%)(E$% -.,22a "#,(?,(E $4,2 .#)6E#.-. I realize that at this
point it sounds like I`m making this shit up, but according to a study at larard, people who imag-
ined themseles doing shit like raping puppies and knocking oer liquor stores were able to hold a
Fe pound weight ar longer than those who tried to think up boring good deeds like helping old
ladies across the road or telling your booty call that you respect them in the morning. \es, ladies,
this means that channeling your most horrible tentacle rape antasy might enable you to squat
more... although I cannot be held accountable i you kill yoursel under a heay weight dues to leg
shaking brought on by antasizing and inoluntary kegel nexing ,Naughty or Nice,.
F<$'?,(E ); #$(.',8 <)%( 7)$- ' +)79 E))7. According to some sources, pornographers point-
edly attempt to elicit the maximum drug,hormone release by mixing sexual images with male
dominance, aggression and iolent images intended to shock and stimulate simultaneously`, which
stimulates the production o much higher baseline leels o hormones essential to getting strong
and lean, especially testosterone, but also adrenaline, epinephrine, and others`. Not only does it
create an awesome bioeedback loop, particularly in men, but watching porn causes an immediate
release o enormous amounts o additional testosterone, which urther increase male narrowing,
loss o reason, eelings o aggression, and sexual drie and arousal.` In other words, porn lets you
win while you`re watching it, and then win again thereater when you experience heightened base-
line leels o testosterone thereater ,Netnanny,. But what about urry porn , shit porn , tentacle
rape , throatucking or whateer dark secret-style porn you hae lurking on your computer Great
news, ladies and gentleman- that shit simply makes you more awesome. According to M. \illiams,
paraphilias are triggered by, and cause the release o, massie amounts o testosterone. 1hat shit is
so potent, in act, that psychiatrists use massie doses o anti-angrogenic drugs like methylproges-
terone to control these deiant` predilections. As such, you should probably just go ahead and
masturbate to www.hogtied.com to your hearts` content... though I`d rerain rom doing so at work
,\illiams,.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
\hile we`re on the subject o sexual peccadilloes, spanking appears to increase aggression as well.
Studies hae shown that requent use o corporal punishment, een mild corporal punishment,
correlates with increased leels o aggression.,1aylor, Other studies, like that o Mazur and Mc-
Dermott hae stated that males with higher testosterone leels tend to be slightly more aggres-
sie, and argue that this appears to be due to the way acting aggressiely raises testosterone leels
rather than the reerse.` It`s not just the person doing the noggings who`s getting the beneFt,
either. Aggressie and iolent behaior has been deFnitiely shown to increase testosterone le-
els as well, particularly when a person is on the oensie.,Salador, As such, the next time you`re
ucking, you might want to break out the nogger i you`re interested in hitting a PR on the deadlit
anytime soon- no matter which side o the whip you`re on, you`re bound to beneFt... literally.
lor those o you out there without a ready sexual partner, ret not- the Dark Side`s got a lotta mo.
Aside rom the aorementioned beneFts o porn, you can still derie plenty o beneFts rom such
actiities as cursing, playing iolent ideo games, and listening to aggressie music. \up, those
weekend nights spent screaming expleties into your headset as you slaughter motheruckers on
Call o Duty while blasting metal in the background are deFnitely giing your endocrine system a
boost, in addition to alleiating post liting soreness. A 2010 study by Bushman and his associates
showed that iolent ideo games can stimulate aggression or an extended period o time.` 1his
will, as I showed aboe, raise your testosterone leels in turn. Compounding that eect is the mu-
sic youè inariably got playing in the background, as I highly doubt anyone`s rocking Abba or Neil
Diamond while attempting to murder hal the \estern \orld. No ewer than Fe experiments
hae shown that iolent songs led to more aggressie interpretations o ambiguously aggressie
words, increased the relatie speed with which people read aggressie s. nonaggressie words, and
increased the proportion o word ragments ,such as h_t, that were Flled in to make aggressie
words ,such as hit,`,Anderson,. Rounding out this triecta o awesome is the act that the curse
words you`re screaming at a rate that makes Cooafetta. seem G-rated by comparison has actual-
ly been shown in clinical studies to reduce the perception o pain, which means that the DOMS
you`re eeling rom Fe consecutie days o squatting won`t eel so horriying. 1he eect o swear-
ing on pain perception is actually shown to be more pronounced in women than men, so ladies,
eel ree to start swearing like sailors ,Stephens,. Lither way, the use o expleties will allow you
to endure more pain or longer than your goodie-two shoes opponents... all o which explains why
the kids rocking clan tags like |GODS| suck so ucking badly as the night wears on. In short, pretty
much the only good reason to eer listen to ICP would be to help you through a particularly brutal
squat o deadlit session, as een humorous iolent songs will increase aggression leels, and sing-
ing along will alleiate a considerable portion o the pain. 1ime to crank up the Shaggy Show`, I
suppose.
linally, or those o you who think that all o this anger is going to burn you up`, as posited
by Powers Booth in Red Dawn, studies hae shown that anger is actually a healthier response to
external stimuli than ear. According to researchers, people who responded to the \orld 1rade
Center attacks with anger-Flled outbursts were much more optimistic later on, and another study
ound that people think better and more logically when angry rather than scared ,Lerner,. Anger
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can sometimes be adaptie. \e`re showing or the Frst time that when you are in a situation that is
maddening and in which anger or indignation are justiFable responses, anger is not bad or you.`
1his means that wheneer you`re driing, reading the poisonously insipid thoughts o ill-bred
minds online, walking, speaking to someone in public, or brushing your teeth, you are actually do-
ing yoursel a multitude o aors by descending into a maelstrom o hate and destruction the likes
o which the world hasn`t seen since the gods destroyed Japan. All that hate`s not going to burn
you up- it`ll keep you warm, increase your protein utilization and gie you a better sex drie. Addi-
tionally, hate sex is great sex, so you`ll hae that going or you as well.
1(E$% ,- ' E,;.0
In my search, I did Fnd one thing that both men and women should try to aoid beore hitting the
gym, and it`s not just marriage. As I blogged beore, marriage has a deleterious eect on testos-
terone production, but een more pronounced than that eect is that which occurs when a man
holds an inant ,Mirkin,. \omen, too, might want to aoid handing small children beore hitting
the gym, as this eect could maniest in them as well, and because women with high leels o
|testosterone| are judged more attractie by themseles and others` in addition to possibly being
more sexually actie with more partners. Additionally, studies show that in women 1 |is| signiF-
cantly related to aggressie dominant behaior`` and that the women`s sel assessment o their
own status was positiely correlated with the hormone` in studies on testosterone and aggression
in women. As such, it`s best to do eerything you can to maximize your test leels whether you`re
a man or a woman. I`d recommend latex gloes when handling babies, but I doubt that`d do you
too much good. In some cases, it`s unaoidable, but you can utilize some o the aboe strategies to
cleanse yoursel i you can`t aoid baby-handling- and rankly, it gies you a damn good reason to
hit up porntube.
In closing, I eel my case is compelling- nice guys and girls will Fnish last in the gym ,though prob-
ably Frst in the bedroom,. Aggression and testosterone work in a kind o eedback loop, each uel-
ing the other and creating a perpetual motion machine o awesome, i you gie them the right kind
o boosts. As such, you can literally ake it til you make it, and once you make it, you will continue
inexorably into the land o brutal PRs, increased coordination, cognitie perormance, and con-
centration`,Mazur, and generally just being a ar more interesting indiidual.
Maybe it's time to add a get hammered, eat some meat, have a ght, and have wildly
kinky drunken sex with a stranger day (aka Viking Day) to your program.
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S1OP BLING A PUSS\: GO lUCKING lLRAL
c)6 /'(B. /6. .#$ .#%)'. ); $4$%9 /)/?-6/?$% 5#)-$ /#'%'/.$% ,. 5)627 ,*<%)4$0
A Preace:
O late, I hae receied a tremendous olume o emails rom people who wish to hae me hold
their hands like small children as they make their way through the gym, constantly looking to
me or aFrmation and recognition as they make exercise, set, and rep selections. 1hose are the
good` emails. 1he bad ones are the nebulous requests or assistance in designing a program to
achiee equally nebulous goals issued only ater a tremendous amount o dick sucking and bullshit-
tery, in stark deFance o eery single ucking word Iè thus posted on this site. As such, it seems
that my readership has deoled into a pack o mewling babies who wish to hae me push their
carriages through the gym and suck my cock rather than their mommy`s tit as I do so.
"#,- 5,22 (). 7)0
1he entire purpose o this site is to encourage ree thought, strength o will, and conscious action.
I don`t wish to mollycoddle a pack o pussies through their daily lies, and resent the implication
that I do. Should you think I`m addressing you, emailers, I more than likely am. 1he shit is getting
way out o ucking hand. I like helping people out, and many o my readers will attest to the act
that Iè gone to great lengths to do so. \hen I receie an email, howeer, that essentially amounts
to I want to be exactly like you, Jamie, so please tell me eerything I need to do so that I can be
your doppelganger`, I want to smash my ucking computer on the ground and set Fre to eerything
Iè eer written. I want to club baby seals and mail their shattered bodies stued with dogshit
to these idiots as a reply, rather than turn o my computer in disgust and wonder why the uck I
een bother. Instead, I shall make yet another loty intellectual appeal replete with anthropological
reason or why humans shouldn`t suck as a rejoinder to this spate o bullshit, in hopes that or once
you motheruckers will get the goddamned message. 1hat message is simple:
c)6 /'( '(7 -#)627 +$ +$..$%8 -.%)(E$%8 ;'-.$%8 2$'($%8 '(7 *)%$ 2$'%($7 .#'( 9)6 '%$8 '(7
.#$ )(29 )($ 5#) /'( *'?$ 9)6 -) ,- 9)60
Don`t send me an email how to start down the path, and don`t ask me or recommendations on
what ucking shorts you should wear to the gym. I you need that much hand-holding, hae your
parent or caretaker lead you to the nearest gun shop and buy yoursel a bullet and a gun, and put
yoursel out o your amily`s misery.
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1be Motberfvc/ivg 1rvtb:
I shall now point you to some o the historical precedents the lot o you hae likely neer consid-
ered, yet sere as an awesome reminder that the human animal is ar more capable than we allow it
to be at eerything that animal wishes to do. 1he only thing preenting people rom achieing the
amazing is their brain, which due to a ariety o actors tells us that we`re weaker, slower, dumber,
and more pathetic than should hae eer become acceptable. 1his is reinorced by a couple o
indiidual issues, namely your brain`s reliance on automaticity to consere energy and the act that
groupthink is oerwhelmingly negatie and innuences your thinking in a similarly negatie way.
\hen unencumbered by those things, howeer, humans are capable o incredible shit- in particu-
lar, people whoè neer been told they cannot do something physically challenging end up being
nearly superhuman.
1here`s only one way to aoid the odious innuence o your ellow man- to grow up in an eniron-
ment isolated rom humans. People who do so are typically reerred to as eral` and as you can
imagine, are 10,000 dierent kinds o awesome. 1hough many o the most amazing stories hae
since been debunked as hoaxes ,most notably the gazelle-boys who were reported to hae outrun
Jeeps and helicopters to eade their pursuers,, there are still enough true stories about people who
became incredibly strong and ast simply because they didn`t know any better to eoke a response
in een the toughest o critics.
One such story, and perhaps the most compelling, is that or the \ild Girl o Champagne. 1his
broad was perhaps one o the ew in history to hae been tougher than Chris Cyborg` Santos and
lied two years in the wild on a diet so paleo that Robb \ol cries himsel to sleep at night think-
ing about it.
\hen coaxed rom a tree in Songi near Chalons in the lrench district o Champagne in
131, she was aged about 10, bareoot, and dressed in rags and skins with a gourd lea on
her head. In a pouch she carried a cudgel and a knie inscribed with indecipherable charac-
ters. She shrieked and squeaked, and was so dirty ,or possibly painted, that she was mistaken
or a black child. ler diet consisted o birds, rogs and Fsh, leaes, branches and roots. Gi-
en a rabbit, she immediately skinned and deoured it.
ler Fngers and in particular her thumbs, were extraordinarily large,` according to a con-
temporary witness, the amous scientist Charles Marie de la Condamine. She is said to hae
used her thumbs to dig out roots and swing rom tree to tree like a monkey. She was a ery
ast runner and had phenomenally sharp eyesight. \hen the Queen o Poland, the mother
o the lrench queen, passed through Champagne in 13 to take possession o the Duchy
o Lorraine, she heard about the girl and took her hunting, where she outran and killed rab-
bits` ,\ild 1hings,.
lor those o you who are unamiliar with the practice o coursing, you`re likely unclear on exactly
how hard it is to outrun a rabbit. 1o put it plainly, i you can outrun a rabbit, you`d set records at
the NlL Combine in the 3 cone drill and the 20 yard shuttle- you`d be able to change directions
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at speed aster than many greyhounds, and could haul ucking ass uphill. 1hus, not only did this
broad hae elite-leel speed at the age o ten, but she had the upper body strength o a gymnast-
thus making her the uncrowned emale champion o the CrossFt games simply because she was
neer told she couldn`t be ucking amazing by the people around her.
1here hae been many other eral children reported oer the ages, ranging rom bear-children to
wol-children, and een children raised by goats, pigs and birds. 1hose that weren`t eidently aban-
doned by their parents or arious inFrmities ,the Russians in particular seem to be pretty ond o
that, and most o the dog-children and wol-children seem to come rom Russia or ormer Russian
Republics, are by all accounts superhuman, and are generally regarded as being insanely ast qua-
drupedal runners. Many o them, Indian wol-boys in particular, were said to be aster on all ours
than the astest people in the area, which is airly ridiculous gien that humans are in no way suited
to running on all ours ,\ild 1hings, \ikipedia,.
lourteen wol-children were ound in India between 1841 and 1895, seen o which were
described by General \l Sleeman, the nemesis o the 1hugs. 1he Frst was captured in
lasunpur ,near Sultanpur in what is now Uttar Pradesh,, and showed most o the typi-
cal wol child characteristics. lis aorite ood was raw meat, and he was unable to speak.
1here were eident signs, on his knees and elbows, o his haing gone on all-ours,` wrote
Sleeman, and when asked to run on all-ours, he used to do so, and went so ast that no-one
could oertake him``,\ild 1hings,.
Additionally, these children were all reported to be much less sensitie to pain and the elements
than the aerage person, which is a trait shared by Buddhist monks who hae trained themseles to
ignore pain ,\ild 1hings, \ikipedia,.
lor those o you who are calling bullshit, which by the emails I receie is most or all o you moth-
eruckers, consider this- monks who practice the meditation technique known as g 1um-Mo can
regulate their own body temperature to the point where they can sleep in the snow without any
coering and suer no apparent harm, and are said to be able to dry cold, wet cloths put oer their
shoulders in a cold room by regulating their own internal body temperature ,Cromie,.
Monks in 1ibet-that mountainous country so blessed with oddities-can consciously raise
the temperature in their hands and eet 6- C ,10-12 l,, in laboratory conditions ,Benson,
et al., 1982,. 1here appear to be seeral methods o g 1um-mo meditation, as described by
Alexandra Daid-Neel ,1965,, but all seem to inole the isualization o onesel Flled with
Fre. \hether, or adepts, such isualization is necessary or control o body temperature is
not clear to me, because Benson reports that one o his research participants began under-
going g-1ummo changes eery time he sat down. Monks will een hae little contests where
they spend a night on a rier bank, repeatedly draping themseles with wet sheets, and seeing
who can dry the most. I get cold just thinking about it.
It presumably takes some time to deelop this ability, but apparently not so much that it is
rare in 1ibet: Daid-Neel claims that most 1ibetans hae the knowledge o how to do it, and
that they put it to practical use` ,Saage Minds,.
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9)6B%$ 7$'70 N(.,2 .#$(8 9)6 E). *)%$ <6(,-#*$(. ,( -.)%$0 F.'(7 ,. 2,?$ ' *'(000 '(7 E,4$
-)*$ +'/?0
1hus, you hae a bit o scientiFc support or the anecdotal eidence Iè proided- the only thing
standing in the way o your greatness is the giant, bloody agina sitting atop your shoulders. Lllen
Langer explained in her book Counterclockwise that the second step in the psychology o possi-
bility` is to try out new things without ealuating ourseles as we go along ,Langer 16,. 1he lack
o ealuation o essential or exceeding who you are, and who you think you could be. I you push
yoursel to try new shit, shit you neer thought you`d be able to do, you could surprise yoursel.
1he key, howeer, is to leae your judgment o yoursel behind. \ou cannot walk into the gym
wearing a powdered wig and swinging a gael at eery opportunity- should you do so, you remoe
both the possibility or experimentation and any probability o greatness, because you`ll be too
ucking busy talking shit to yoursel, conincing yoursel that you`re incapable and weak and useless
as eeryone around you to attack the ucking weights and be a goddamned superman.
3 5,22 <%);'($ 9)6% ;6/?,(E %$*',(-0
It`s also essential that you ape the eral children I mentioned earlier at this point and isolate yoursel
rom people rom time to time ,or as I do with my headphones,, because society will tell you that
you`re incapable, that you`re weak, that you`re unable to handle the workload, or the weight, or the
exercise. In interdependent communities, people will turn against you i you`re perceied as di-
erent- people who departed rom the norm could be dangerous to the whole community- wheth-
er they were rich or ery poor. Lither way, there was a tendency to seek the center and to resent
people who were misFts`,Braman 124,. I you haen`t looked around the gym recently, you might
want to take ucking note o this, because gyms are thoroughly interdependent communities. L-
eryone`s ucking eeryone, eeryone`s watching eeryone, and eeryone is all up in eeryone`s shit.
\ou probably know more crazy bullshit rumors about the motheruckers in your gym than you do
about your own amily members, and you know more about the guys who lit on your shit` than
you do about the most prominent liters in your sport. As such, anything you do that runs counter
to the norm is being constantly ealuated, judged, and likely talked down when you`re not around
i you`re doing anything out o the norm. 1hus, i you wall yoursel o rom all o the nonsense
and nay saying and bullshit with a massie wall o shrieking metal, you can create your own eral
paradise in which anything is possible, so long as you beliee it`s so.
In the next installment o this series, I`ll gie you more reasons to be awesome and to ignore soci-
ety at large, hacks or your brain, Deadwood quotes, and some ideas or shit you can try in the gym
to stop being such a motherucking pussy, in addition to parsing some o my more hilarious emails
and mocking the shit out o their authors
GO lUCKING lLRAL 2: . bvttbefvc/v ataa !itb . iae of tra Ravt.
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3 *$'(8 9)6 E)..' +$#'4$ 2,?$ ' E%)5( ;6/?,(E *'(0 c)6 E)..' -#6. .#$ ;6/? 6<0 H)(B. +$
-)%%98 7)(B. 2))? ;6/?,(E +'/?8 +$/'6-$8 +$2,$4$ *$8 () )($ E,4$- ' ;6/?0
In the last installment o this series, we coered the act that Iè recently receied a spate o emails
rom alleged men who apparently lack both testicular ortitude and any semblance o comprehen-
sion o my methodology or mentality. 1his has, o course, angered me greatly. I proided a couple
o examples o eral children and their awesomeness as a bit o eidence or the act that you`re ar
more physically capable than you would hae otherwise thought, and could likely do some amazing
things i you could only stop conincing yoursel, and allowing others to conince you, that you
suck at eerything you try, are weak, and are doomed to wallow in a sea o suck or all eternity.
A short aside: One o the most irulent and oensie exhibitions o this I suck and can`t
help it` mentality is the practice o setting a New \ear`s resolution. In setting a N\R, you`re
doing a couple o things, all o which are about as cool as those grown men who brag about
watching My Little Pony and write an Fction or the show. lirst, you`re announcing to the
world that youè identiFed a ault within yoursel and reused to resole it. Second, youè
decided to procrastinate on een pretending to resole the issue until an arbitrary date.
1hird, you`re making a hell o a lot o noise about nothing, since only about 12 o people
who make New \ears Resolutions enjoy anything resembling success ,Quirkology,. It`s a
ucking embarrassment o at, drunken Daid lasselho with a hamburger proportions. I
you think you suck, ucking stop sucking immediately. \omen, I`m pointing at you and your
motherucking diets- there`s no goddamned time like the present. Stop putting shit o until
tomorrow like you`re a modern day J. \ellington \impy, who is perhaps the cartoon charac-
ter most desering o a curb stomp in history.
I4$%9 ;6/?,(B +$'.,(B 3B* E%'.$;62 ;)%0 I4$%9 ;6/?,(B )($ ); .#$*0 _$. '22 .#$ .%6-. +$'. )6.:
.' 9)60 1(7 9)6 ?()5 5#'. .#$ ;6/?,(B 5)%27 ,-0
Back to my original rant:
I realize that the internet proides a lot o you with a cloak and mask rom which you can hide
rom the world and publish your dumbest thoughts and desires with impunity, and a great many o
you make ull use o that anonymity or naught but eil.,lingeroth 48, I don`t een mean eil` in
a badass Dr. Doom sense, and no, your brainless trolling o some random orum is neither amus-
ing nor cleer nor terribly eil- it`s pathetic, wasteul, and should be the catalyst or your suicide
rather than the suicide o others. Instead, I mean eil in the little e` sense- like the eil perpe-
trated by a particularly dull and ineectually annoying toddler too at and lazy to get into any real
trouble. 1he world would likely be better o i most o us stopped ucking breathing anyway- a
recent poll reealed that Americans considered this pack o assholes to be the most admirable men
in the country:
12 E'*'/6 K?'7'- a president who went rom suck` to shit` in record time and managed
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not to do a single thing promised on the campaign trail, a eat only preiously accomplished by
James A GarFeld and \illiam lenry larrison. lor those o you who are either oreign or a mo-
ron, both o them died within a year o taking oFce and spent the entirety o their term on their
deathbeds. I only Obama had had the good graces to do that.
92 P+,*-+ @2 E458- 1he single worst US president in the last 100 years. Jimmy Carter was a
boon to the economic and international politics compared to this useless cocksucker, may he rot
in hell. I any o you participated in this poll, let AN\ONL who`s aware o it know so they can
strangle you to death with some rusty barbwire.
D2 E.>> H>.(&,(- Irreleant unless you want adice on banging at broads and getting caught
thereater. 1hen, bang more at broads to orget your married to the angriest lesbian this side o
Gloria Steinem.
W2 O+F2 E.>>; P*'8'7- Religious lunatic who makes senior Al Qaeda members seem like reason-
able and rational men by comparison. Billy Graham is so insane or Jesus that he literally yells I`m
Cuckoo or Cocoa Pus` in the middle o the Lord`s Prayer while shitting his pants and heaing
handuls o sparkles at an audience who could only be there because one o his stable o eunuchs
is holding a knie inscribed with John 3:16 to the throats o their parents.
X2 Warren 8ueu- Pompous blowhard who`s become rich by being a real lie Scrooge Mc-
Duck. 1hat motherucker pinches pennies so hard he made hal o his ortune by warping coins
or children at Please 1ouch Museums. le sustained himsel during this enterprise by liing o
the tears o the children who couldn`t pry the coin out o his wretched claws ater he squeezed it
into an unrecognizable state.
Y2 L+B& P.(-*./8- Drug addict, pompous ass, and writer o unreadable yet enticing historical
Fction. lis books make you want to claw out your ucking eyes within 16 pages, but you keep go-
ing because the dust coer promised more awesome than a gangbang at a Disney Channel 15 year
reunion.
. $,('>) :*47C- 1he only interesting person on the list, i only because o the act that one
o the richest men in America apparently cannot aord a decent toupee or stylist.
Z2 V,C+ E+(+)./& [ST- 1he emperor rom Star \ars made it onto this list, which ascinates me.
\2 E.>> P'&+5- 1he genius behind \indows ML, \indows , and Clippy, that eer-so-helpul
cocksucker o an obnoxious popup paperclip. luck this guy.
1]2 :8,7'5 M,(5,(- Iè no idea how anyone een knows this guy`s name, or why they gie a
shit. Apparently, you can`t swing a dead cat in a closet without hitting 43 Mormons. Sneaky moth-
eruckers.
1hrow on top o that list the act that the number o people in the US who think humans were
created by god in their present orm within the last 10,000 years is at or oer 40 ,Science and
Nature,, and youè got a airly compelling reason to kill hal o the population outright, without a
single regret. 1hat would be eral. 1he shit that I see on a daily basis is about as eral as a newborn
lamb on a pile o pink cotton candy wearing Care Bears underoos with Michael Bolton playing
sotly in the background.
I realize that in the interening week between posts, this seems like a hell o a lot o rant without
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reason, but I assure you, my reasons are legion. 1he docility and submissieness in the erbiage o
the emails Iè receied o late is appalling, and I thought it necessary to instill a bit o ear in you
motheruckers- that shit will not be tolerated. As such, here are a couple examples o the nonsense
Iè receied, with my analysis thereo and response thereto.
So here`s my skinny. My pitch and my hey`. I will deote whateer o mysel is required,
to make me a huge dastardly mother ucker. And I want you to help me. I want to workout
twice a day. I want to drag anchor chains and pull 1.5` line attached to a truck. I want to do
sprints and tire nips. I want to sprint hurdles and do high jumps. I want to use chalk when I
talk on the phone. I want to be a legendary strong man, and hae eery possible ein in my
body pulse like a new song rom Skrillex on ecstasy. Can you do this or me \ill you be my
coach \ill you help me achiee greatness at an exceptional leel I want more out o lie
and or me, it comes rom the grueling tediocity o power, strength, and weight liting. Be
my coach homie. Be my mentor and make me a ucking monster. Please.
I hae more motiation than 50 o your bloggers put together...I just need to be told` what
to do.`
I suppose it goes without saying that the Fnal line o that email is one o the most patently disin-
genuous statements eer uttered within my proerbial earshot- i he was that motiated, he`d need
no direction other than that which would show him where the nearest useul gym was located. 1he
entire tone o this email drips with desire or acceptance, yet the author clearly ails to understand
een the most basic tenets o my lie philosophy and the mentality I promote.
1here are essentially two types o people in the world, and they`re ery aptly depicted in the Matrix-
those content to pretend to lie in reedom, and those who will actually endure the pain o doing
so. I`m the latter, whereas the author o this email is ery clearly the ormer. le`s the dickbag in
the Matrix who sells out his buddies or the illusion o a delicious steak, knowing it`s total bullshit
but reusing to care.
\hereas those who sleep within the Matrix hae the illusion o indiidual reedom... while
being slaes to the worst aspects o collectie consciousness, those who are truly ree ulti-
mately Fght alone. \hich is preerable Our instincts tell us to be alone and aware, with
the perhaps distant hope o building a community. Len i we ail at building it, or its goals
are neer reealed, we still know we hae tried. \e`d rather be alone- orphans- on our own
terms than to be taken care o it is as slaes to a goernment or machine, or een an ide-
a`,lingeroth 1,.
I you want to do Chaos and Pain`, asking me to program your workouts is obiously not the
way to go about it. 1he entire point o this methodology is to Fnd what works best or you and
do it, and to throw o the strictures and shackles heaped upon you by a weak-minded and -bodied
society to Fnd your own way. It`s to try new shit, push yoursel harder and arther than eeryone
else, and transcend the mediocrity o the masses to achiee excellence. It`s not about doing what
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I ucking tell you, because I`m not in the business o telling people what to ucking do. 1he ery
idea someone would want to be told what to do ucking disgusts me. lor the loe o all that`s uck-
ing holy, don`t bend your knee to me- I neither want acolytes nor need them. I wish or nothing
more than other people to get o their knees, stop sucking the cocks o supposed gurus because
it`s popular to do so and ar easier than thinking or your ucking sel, and do something epic. I
leae the demagoguery to people like Mark Rippetoe and Zach Lan-Lsh, because I choose to
lead by example. I you motheruckers want to ollow me where my path takes me, that`s Fne by
me- I`m happy to beat down the ucking bushes and blaze a path or like-minded indiiduals. I will
not, howeer, carry you motheruckers in a loing embrace and gently part the palm ronds or you.
1hink or your ucking seles and DO or your ucking seles.
\hat you should not be doing, howeer, is deluding yoursel into thinking you`re ree when you
want nothing more than to be in a gimp suit in my basement. 1hat`s not my style- it`s way too
much ucking work and responsibility. Additionally, I hae no idea how I would go about innu-
encing someone to be like my. I exist because I`m not swayed by the innuence o others- I assim-
ilate massie amounts o inormation and utilize it to make decisions ater experimenting with the
aorementioned inormation as the basis. I do this without consulting anyone else- not my mom,
nor liting coaches, nor my riends or random passers by. I rely on mysel, my balls, and the knowl-
edge that no matter what result I achiee, I did so at my own behest and as the result o my own
thoughts and actions. 1hat is what being ree is all about.
lor those o you who are still conused, the people who truly understand this blog will agree that
we`re not the ucking X-Men- that is to say, we`re not a group o misFts persecuted by society
and united by ear and ostracization that band together or mutual protection like a herd o cattle.
Instead, we`re like a Punisher,\olerine,lulk team up writ large- a pack o loosely coordinated,
like-minded, pissed o indiidualists hell bent on bringing our Fght to the world`s doorstep. Stop
looking or a ucking handout, grasp your cock or your cunt, and attack the world or being the
soggy pile o dogshit that it is. 1hat`s what eral humans do, and that`s what you could be i you
stopped thinking about what you were going to do and simply ucking did it. 1he \ild Man o St.
Louis, a eral adult who was captured or no apparent reason in the 19th Century, took no shit rom
anyone, least o all cats, and when cornered ought oerwhelming odds and escaped the second
he could. Instead o thinking about doing shit, plotting to do it, talking about it, and ultimately
accomplishing uckall, he went superhuman on society`s ass and maintained his reedom rom the
litany o bullshit with which the rest o us hae to deal on a daily basis.
1he wild man, o whom some accounts appeared in the papers, was caught lately and
brought to St. Louis. le was surrounded in a sort o lair beneath a dense cluster o under-
growth, like the habitation o a wild beast, and Flled with the bones and skin o cats, which
seemed to hae constituted his principal article o ood. lor this strange diet he had a pecu-
liar penchant, and eschewed almost eery other. le hunted cats with an aidity prompted by
an extreme oracity, and it was in the pursuit and slaughter o these animals that he was Frst
discoered. lrequent attempts were made to capture him, but his agility and speed was such
that he appeared to run upon the tops o the bushes, and ences oered no impediment to
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his headlong course. At length a great number surrounded and secured him. le attempt-
ed battle, but was oercome. \hen brought to the Court louse he presented the strangest
appearance conceiable. lis height was about Fe and a hal eet, his hair was long, reddish
brown and matted, his eyes large, gray, and restless, his Fnger nails as long as the claws o a
tiger, his deportment crouching --hal timid hal threatening--and his garments consisted o
a thousand tatters o cloths, barks, cat-skins, &c, bound together by catguts. le said he was
rom the State o New \ork, and had been in the woods thirty-six years. \hile he was being
examined, and was permitted to stand unbound, he made a sudden spring oer the heads
o those who surrounded him, and darted away with the speed o the reindeer. 1he crowd
pursued him, but in ain. Oer the hills he airly new, beore ootmen and horsemen, until
he was lost to them. Nothing has since been heard o him. le is certainly a strange being,
and is literally a wild man. lis age can hardly exceed orty, and yet he has lied so much away
rom the society o man that he has nearly orgotten his language and has the most ague
recollection o things. le remembered New \ork, but did not know where he was, nor the
orm o goernment under which we lied. Dr. Knode was examining him when he escaped,
and it is to be regretted that the doctor could not hae had an opportunity o ascertaining
the character o his mania`,Leslie,.
!"#$%$B- () -#)%. /6.8 () $'-9 5'90 W) )($ /'( E,4$ 6- ;%$$7)* )% #'<<,($--: +$/'6-$
anyone with the power to protect us has the power to kill or enslave us as well.
- Jay Stanton
I`ll start this program on Monday ,i`m OCD and hae to start a program on a Monday. It`s
weird, I know, and increase and decrease the olume as needed depending on how I eel.`
1his is, without question, indicatie o the worst eature o modern society- the desire to be dis-
ordered. No one takes responsibility or their actions any longer. 1hey`re helpless pawns o their
genes, and eeryone`s genes are apparently rie with horrible mutations o one sort or another. lor
those o you who aren`t ollowing, this stupid motherucker does not hae OCD, and his use o the
term indicates that he`s either painully stupid or so weak o character that his mommy has to coax
him out o bed in the mornings to get him to start his day. Ater cutting the crusts o his peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches, she apparently allows him to use the computer, which he does at the
risk o destroying what little dignity he has let.
lor those o you out there who might be empathizing with this sad sack o shit, slap yoursel in
the ace like you`re a 1940`s housewie who burned the meatloa, because you`re being a ucking
cunt. \ou`re not disordered. \our thyroid isn`t the problem. \our metabolism isn`t the problem.
your ratio o 1ype I to 1ype II Fbers is not the problem. \ou brain is the ucking problem. \ouè
nothing preenting you rom starting a workout program on a \ednesday, a new diet today, or a
new exercise in your next workout other than ear and stupidity.
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1hough theyè allen out o aor in deerence to our society`s oerwhelming obsession with the
contents o tbe Diagvo.tic ava tati.ticat Mavvat of Mevtat Di.oraer., heroes in literature used to be
ucking awesome. Innuenced heaily be the amazing book Iè mentioned beore, Ctaaiator, a
new type o hero became popular in the 1930s and 40s: the sel reliant indiidualist who stands
aloo rom many o the humdrum concerns o society, yet is able to operate according to his own
code o honor, to take on the world on his own terms and win` ,Reynolds 18,. 1hese guys were
all aloo, cocky, loner badasses who ucked shit up with impunity while giing the world the Fnger
in a way Kid Rock could only dream about. 1hey didn`t excuse their stupidity by blaming it on a
disorder inented by psychiatrists so they could get kickbacks rom pharmaceutical companies- they
brought the ucking ruckus at eery opportunity. 1hey didn`t pause to consider their myriad ail-
ings, nor did they stop to justiy their ear o the unknown with a pathetic excuse- they acted.
I you`re on the ence about what to do to get yoursel out o a rut, that`s not uncommon. Psy-
chologist Rom Braman has identiFed the root o the problem- there`s a sway rom which many
people suer, mysel included, called commitment`, in which people get so stuck in their ways
that they cannot rationally ealuate their alternaties. As such, you hae to simply get ucking eral,
stop thinking, and go. le who hesitates is lost. Don`t be a dithering bitch- act. 1ry something
new that youè thought was cool but were scared to try. Do squat lockouts with hal a ton. Push
your car down the street. 1ry some ultra-heay hand and thigh lits. Do a barbell one arm snatch.
See how ucking ar you can throw a keg ull o sand. Or beer. Grab a chick`s ass in a bar. HX
FX=I"J3W_0
So, are you really all-natural,\ou`re a roidhead and eerything you say is bullshit,are you
on steroids, i so where can I get some,etc.`
Initially, I regarded these emails with a bit o sadness, because the authors were clearly mental-
ly retarded. As such, I wondered how or why they stumbled across my blog, and then how they
managed to compose their emails. My most recent exchange in regards to this subject truly pissed
me o, as pussies who couldn`t handle my workout weights hae no ucking business demanding
that I answer their stupid, irreleant, and ultimately pointless questions. Additionally, Iè stated
many times that all o the testosterone boosters` promoted in the US in the last decade hae been
steroids, most o which were based on the ormulations o the now-deunct Balco Labs. Iè used
those supplements, repeatedly, and hae promoted them on my blog. I don`t consider mysel natu-
ral, don`t gie a shit who is natural, think that sel-promoters screaming about how natural they are
likely hae the lot o you snowed, and couldn`t possibly care less about who`s using what.
1here`s only one type o person who does: Pussies. Big, sloppy, wet, yawning caities o aginas,
slaering or a big cock to Fll them with goodness to remoe the empty eeling inside them. I
you`re busy worrying about who`s on what and when and how much and why, you`re doing one
thing- looking or the starting point or a litany o excuses. All you hae to do is read their retorts
to see how pathetic their mindset really is, because they`ll all sing the same sad-sack rerain- it`s
cheating, they can`t compete, there`s no comparison between natural trainees and geared liters,
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ignoring all the while that most o the truly impressie strength eats predate steroids. 1hese stu-
pid pieces o shit will explain away guys like Saxon and Sandow and Aston and Maxick as reaks
o nature and irreleant, because those examples completely destroy their bullshit argument. Len
when people compete in tested competitions, these natty` liters will call bullshit- look at all o the
accusations nying around about Konstantin Konstantinos, or instance.
Danny lingeroth actually had an interesting point about the act that some people loe to dieren-
tiate themseles rom those who beat their asses at anything at all- they`re Superman ans.
Is it easier to read o a superior being rom beyond the stars outclassing us that o a guy
rom down the block who was just luckier or stronger or smarter Maybe that`s the key.
Maybe we eel uncomortable with the idea that we`re not liing up to our potential, or that
someone else has more potential than we do. Or that they`re liing up to their potential bet-
ter than we are to ours But i someone else isn`t really playing on the same Feld or by the
same rules we do... then maybe we don`t hae to eel so bad about ourseles. I suppose this
would characterize the Superman an more than, say, the Batman an`,lingeroth 32,.
I you`re lost, and those o you still shouting insipid retorts to my earlier comments doubtless are,
allow me to elucidate this point. Non-powered superheros, or those with non-superuckingan-
tastic powers, go toe to ucking toe with the Supermans and Green Lanterns and \onder Mans
o the comic book unierse without a second thought. 1he Punisher, or instance, went toe to
toe with the lulk, and at no point bitched about the act that the lulk had superpowers and he
didn`t. Likewise, lawkeye ought the Beyonder in Secret \ars without taking his toys and going
home because the Beyonder was cheating`, and Batman beat the eerloing shit out o that punk-
bitch Boy Scout Superman with nothing but hate on his side,and an exoskeleton, but uck, he was
a senior citizen at that point,. A winner is used to accepting ull responsibility or his actions`,
immediately takes charge een when he lacks the authority to do so`, and that a sour-aced,
pessimistic attitude is or losers, not or winners`, which is why those guys didn`t take shit rom the
cheaters` and just charged headlong into the ucking ray.,Van lleet 64-66, leral humans, simi-
larly, don`t make ucking excuses about their opponents and claim they cannot compete- they react,
adapt, and oercome using nothing but their balls and a hell o a lot o aggression. 1o wit:
1he story o the \ild Girl o Champagne is detailed by a trustworthy lrench writer, M.
de la Condamine. One eening, in September, 131, the people o the illage o Songi were
alarmed by the entrance into the street o a girl, seemingly nine or ten years old, coered
with rags and skins, and haing ace and hands black as those o a negro. She had a gourd
lea on her head, and was armed with a short baton. So strange was her aspect that those
who obsered her took to their heels and ran in-doors, exclaiming, 1he deil! the deil!`
Bolts were drawn in all quarters, and one man thought to insure saety by letting loose a large
bull-dog. 1he little saage ninched not as the animal adanced in a ury, but throwing her-
sel backwards on one limb, and grasping her club with both hands, she discharged a blow
at the head o the dog, as it came nigh her, with such orce and celerity as to kill it on the
spot. Llated with her ictory, she jumped seeral times on the carcass, ater which she tried
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in ain to enter a house, and then ran back to the wood, where she mounted a tree and ell
asleep`,Leslie,.
Clearly, the \ild Girl o Champagne didn`t stop to rationalize the unairness o pitting a 10 year
old girl against a ull-grown bulldog, because she was eral and thus awesome. In stark contrast to
eral humans, howeer, most people adjusted their judgments o the desirability o a uture eent
to make them congruent with its perceied likelihood, but only when the eent triggered motia-
tional inolement.`,Kay, In other words, they adjust their goals to match the perceied likelihood
that they`ll be achieed- thus spiraling into a progressie downward spiral o expectations because
they will tell themseles they cannot do something, suck as a result, and readjust their expectations
downward again. 1hey thus would hae just thrown their hands in the air and been eaten by that
bulldog were they placed in the \ild Girl`s position, because they would hae thought that it would
hae been pointless to Fght and would hae consigned themseles to death. 1hat pathetic ucking
behaior is the reason these dickbags on messageboards, and the retards who email me, constantly
blather on about steroids- they`re piss weak, embarrassed to be alie, and want a reason to ratio-
nalize their ailure at lie. I you`re one o the pussies still squealing about the magic o steroids,
consider this:
Steroids are not magical, they don`t make people superhuman, and they`re not the reason why guys
or girls in the gym outlit you- your lack o intestinal ortitude, hard work, drie, determination,
aggression, and hate are the reason you ucking suck.
c)6 /'(8 '(7 -#)6278 +$ +$..$% .#'( 9)6 '%$0 F.)< '-?,(E ).#$% <$)<2$ ;)% 4'2,7'.,)( '(7
'--,-.'(/$ '(7 ;6/?,(E 7) ,. 9)6%-$2;0
I'm into, uh, well, murders and executions, mostly.
I`M NO1 lA1! I`M BULKING UP!
Yov Cav Caiv !eigbt !itbovt oo/ivg i/e a at vc/
1here appears to be a great deal o ear, circumspection, incredulity, and general conusion sur-
rounding the concept that liters can indeed gain muscular bodyweight without getting at ,moreso
naturally than without gear than with,. Allow me to allay your ears and put that horseshit to rest-
it`s not impossible. Certainly, you`re going to hae a natural barrier to getting bigger that can be
usurped by taking things like O1C gear ,like Superdrol, or black-market gear ,like the non-methyl-
ated ersions o the shit that`s in Superdrol,, but een i you aoid the use o that sort o thing, it`s
possible to gain muscular bodyweight without getting at.
lirst o, I`d like to touch on something that clearly irks the shit out o some people- my total un-
willingness to prescribe detailed dieting or programming recommendations. 1he loose guidelines
I gie people apparently drie a lot o you ucking bananas, which Iè always ound odd. John
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Romaniello elucidated the reason behind this, howeer, in an article on 1-Muscle. In that article,
he described disparity between the mental approach o dieters, segmenting them into two distinct
categories- reedom dieters and rule dieters. lreedom dieters are like mysel- we thrie on loose
outlines like macronutrient ratios and chae at speciFc instructions on exactly what to eat, when.
Rule dieters, by comparison, are totally ucking lost without a timetables by which they need to eat
ery speciFc amounts o ery speciFc oods. 1hey apparently make the best bodybuilders, but to
me that sort o mindlessness is bizarre.
1he reaks and super sci-F nerds amongst you will recall the Cor series by John Norman, which
outlined a ery speciFc liestyle dynamic ,now reerred to as Gorean, wherein one person is com-
pletely in control o the other. People hae adopted this liestyle in real lie, to the point where
some hae actually gone to jail or playing master-slae. 1his isn`t some normal, I`m gonna make
you prance around naked while eeryone has a go at you and we scrawl whore` on your chest and
then use you as a coee table` sort o deal- I`m talking, they can orce their slae to gie up custo-
dy o their children, are orced to wait in one spot without speaking or moing a muscle until told
to moe, etc. lrankly, either end o that sort o relationship seems ucking insane to me- i I hae
to take a piss, I`ll do so when and where I want, and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit. Con-
ersely, I cannot imagine the inanity o haing to tell someone when to do eerything they`re going
to do, and how- it`d be worse than haing a baby, which would in turn be worse than haing AIDS.
I mean, I get distracted in the middle o a sentence... there`s no way I`d remember to tell some silly
broad to get the uck up and go take a shit beore she stains the carpet, and she`d likely stare to
death beore I remembered to instruct her to eat.
1hus, when people ask me or speciFc dietary recommendations, I would rather hae AIDS than
gie them. Iè no ucking clue what people like to eat, whether they can cook, what`s aailable at
their grocery store, etc. Additionally, I`d expect people to exercise a modicum o ree thought and
initiatie in attempting to get lean or build muscle, or both. On that note, I`m not going to tell you
what to eat, or when, in the precise terms some o you so longingly desire. Instead, I`m going to
gie you some rather broad recommendations you can use to guide your experimentation.
Now, the ery Frst thing to do is to throw out eerything you think you know about gaining weight
scientiFcally. 1here`s no science in the horseshit recommendations you`ll Fnd being made on web-
sites like Bodybuilding.com- they`re the people who want to be spoon-ed easy bullshit that they`re
going to debate endlessly and neer actually ucking try. Lean bulking`s not easy and it`s not a static
process. 1he ery idea that it might be is about as logical as the thought that tripling the deFcit is
going to improe our nation`s economy in either the short or long term... and weè all seen enough
news to see how that happy horseshit is working out. Common methodologies or weight gain,
hackneyed and apid as they are, are shit like adding 500 calories o anything to one`s diet eery day,
or GOMAD ,gallon o milk a day,. Adopting one o those methodologies without employing any
critical thinking or utilizing a modicum o analysis in the process o their utilization is as prepos-
terous as going into a 1hai whorehouse where the prostitutes regularly uck sub-Saharan Arican
monkeys, and then ucking eery broad in there six times on the recommendation o a riend who
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told you that you`d hae a great time, and you wouldn`t get AIDS. \e`ll, he`d be hal right, just like
anyone who recommended GOMAD as the ultimate way to cleanly bulk you be hal right- you`re
going to get the positie aspects o each endeaor, but the downside is that you might die early
rom your inability to critically assess your actions as you perormed them.
\OU CAN GAIN \LIGl1 \I1lOU1 LOOKING LIKL A lA1 lUCK 2
Bruce Lee was amous or telling to be like water`, and his theory is as applicable to training and
dieting as it is to Fghting. 1he quote actually comes rom the Dao de Ching, and is een better
when looked at in its entirety: Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertie,
but adjust to the object, and you shall Fnd a way round or through it. I nothing within you stays
rigid, outward things will disclose themseles.` 1hat is exactly the way you must approach di-
eting and training i you want to hae success. In most people`s minds, dieting is a ery cut and
dry thing- cut calories to lose weight, and increase calories to gain weight. 1he key, howeer, is to
lose and gain the right kinds o weight, and not to do so to the detriment o your strength training
goals. At that point, it becomes ar more art than science, and anyone who tells you dierently is a
lying sack o shit whose children will hopeully be born blind and crippled as punishment or their
orebear`s stupidity and general dishonor.
\ith that in mind, clean bulking isn`t easy. Boiled down to its essence, it looks deceptiely so, how-
eer:
I'. *)%$0
\,;. *)%$0
Seems simple, right Couldn`t be simpler. \ell, let`s just look at the second part o that to illustrate
the diFculty o this.

\,;. *)%$0 1his could mean any number o things, especially coming rom me. My mean-
ing`s actually no more obtuse than the actual statement itsel, as it means: lit more in terms o
poundage, but not necessarily in terms o olume, while at the same time adding extra sessions i
at all possible.
Seems a bit contradictory, right It`s actually not. I you`re o the mind to, say, train 5x5 on squats
with 405 lbs 3 times a week, your total olume or that week would be 30,35 lbs on the squat. I
would recommend, i you want to bulk cleanly, that you try to train heaier when you`re liting
heay, but add extra sessions o light work as well. 1hus, your workouts could become 2 days
o 12x1x500 and 2 sessions o 2x30x135, which means that your total olume would be 28,200.
\hile the training olume`s not quite as high in terms o total poundage, it`s likely that you`re doing
ar more work per minute, which means that your workout density is improed. Additionally, you`ll
be acilitating actie recoery with your light sessions, which will transport more nutrients ,o
which you`ll be eating more, to the anicted areas, and will take adantage o the increased protein
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synthesis you`ll be getting rom your increased training requency ,Zatsiorsky, 12,. As you try to
ramp up the number o sessions per week, you`ll Fnd that some weeks you can handle more train-
ing, and some you can`t. As such, you`ll autoregulate your growth and recoery by listening to your
muscles. I they`re cramping so badly during your warmups that your orm is absolute shit and
you want to die, moe on to a dierent lit. lal o the wacky exercises Iè adopted by reading
old strongman texts hae been to gie me something to do when eerything hurts ,the other hal
or when I`m bored with what Iè been doing, which occurs rather requently when you`re train-
ing 10-11 times a week,, and they work, as they keep me in the gym and typically stress my body
in ways to which it is unused. 1his theory`s in no way new- prior to the adoption o static training
programs as a method to sell magazines and books, this is the way people trained. It`s ar more nat-
ural than the mechanical methodology o linear progression, and it`s clinically proen to produce
better results in trained athletes. ,Mann et al, 1hink o yoursel as a banzai tree- you`re not going
to grow in straight lines, no matter how much you Mister Miyagi your training. \ou can, howeer,
make tiny adjustments constantly to guide your growth so that it progresses in an manner that is in
accordance with your goals. Bear in mind, with autoregulatory goodness Flling up your body, that
bilateral training produces ar greater increases in growth hormone than does unilateral training. As
such, ocus more on barbell exercises than dumbbell ones, and i you Fnd yoursel doing unilateral
moements, make them BIG. 1he amount o muscle mass actiated during training is as important
to creating anabolic hormone response as 1era Patrick`s angry screaming while getting ucked is
essential to her popularity.,Kraemer et al., lor those o you who are sadly unaware o 1era`s ocal
skills, it`s essential.
\ith that out o the way, let`s moe onto the een harder side o the issue- $'. *)%$. lor those
o you amiliar with my blog, you know that I`m a an o paleolithic dieting, although many o
you seem to hae a slightly skewed notion o what role paleo dieting actually plays or me. Paleo
dieting is a great way to get really lean, really quickly, while sparing muscle. It might also be a good
way to clean bulk, but Iè neer tried, as it requires you to eat cleanly, and it`s pretty diFcult to get
enough calories to gain an appreciable amount o weight in a year without spending your entire
day eating and cooking. As such, deiation is necessary. It is useul, howeer, to bear in mind that
consumption o non-paleo oods in great quantities will lead to at gains, een i they acilitate
muscular bodyweight gains as well. Iè ound the best way to bulk cleanly is to rotate my calories
and macronutrients. I don`t bother with utilizing a percentage o my BMR, howeer, in setting my
calories, due to the near impossibility o making that calculation. Len were you to determine your
basal metabolic rate or a gien day, it will change as you get leaner, or bigger, or atter, or smaller,
or any permutation thereo. It`ll deiate urther as your daily actiities change, ranging rom the
amount and quality o your sleep to water consumption ,and the temperature o that water,, your
liestyle actiities ,do you work sitting or standing low much did you walk in a gien day,, and
Fnally your training style, loading protocols, time under tension, and any number o other actors
too numerous to mention.
F,7$ ().$- ucking regularly will keep you lean, and gie you a shitload o leniency in your
diet. I`m talking 2- times a day, not the 3x a week that Iè heard arious idiots bragging
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about. Masturbation does not seem to be a suitable substitute, either- it seems that the ca-
loric expenditure during sex plays a part, as does the act that testosterone leels are more
heaily impacted by sex than masturbation also plays a part.
Back to rotating your macros and calories. Start by doubling your bodyweight in lbs, and making
that your baseline or grams o protein, daily. As you grow, up your protein. 1hereater, you`re
going to hae high, medium, and low carb days, which will be inersely proportional to your at in-
take ,unless you choose a paleo day instead o a keto day,. 1hus, protein remains static, while you`ll
hae high carb,low at, medium carb,medium at, and low carb,low at or low carb,high at days.
Into the mix, you`ll throw two cheat windows- and don`t throw them in on your low,low days. 1he
low,low days are important, in my mind, as they sere to gie a sort o protein asting day- they`re
or all intents and purposes a paleo day. 1hat`s the day where you`re kicking up at metabolism,
orcing your body to change your output o leptin on a daily basis, and preent your body rom
settling into homeostasis o any kind. Since leptin is the hormone responsible or controlling your
appetite and plays a role in at deposition and utilization, ucking with it by doing the metabolic
equialent o poking it in the eye with a sharp stick is key. Should you Fnd that you`re staying lean
with no problem, you`re incredibly hungry, or you simply want a keto day, take one. Bear in mind
that those days are high calorie days, so they`re tricky to Ft into this system i you are really trying
to rotate your calories. \ou could, howeer, cheat on these days by simply eating a massie amount
o atty meat or the three hours- hitting an all you can eat steak house or rib place ,and only eating
ribs coated in a dry rub,. Lxperimentation is the word o the day here, and you`re going to be like
a mad scientist, tinkering with your diet until youè turned yoursel into a massie, world-destroy-
ing robot bent on nothing short o the subjugation and destruction o the entire human race.
1o deFne high carb and low carb: low carb means under 5g o carbohydrates or the purposes o
this dietary regime. 1hus, you`ll be able to eat a handul o nuts, some eggies, and whateer carbs
are in your protein shakes. 1hat 5g does not include your postworkout meal, either, which should
include at least 20g o protein and 40-5g o carbs. Play with the leels and see what works or
you. I ound 1rio-Plex cookies and the occasional Met-Rx Big 100 brownie to be perect or this.
Otherwise, I aoid eating carbs in the orm o grains or starches on these days. Medium carb days
are usually those where I`ll hae my cheat window, which I almost inariably had at dinnertime. I
make this a orceeeding o epic proportions, and eat hard or 3 hours, whateer I want. At three
hours, anything I haen`t Fnished goes into the trash, and I hae shakes or the remainder o the
eening. I`ll generally ollow cheat days with a medium or low carb day, and then go high carb or
cheat again. Neer cheat on consecutie days, i it`s in a orce-eeding sort o way. I you know
you`re going to cheat multiple days in a row, make it a bit sensible, and don`t gorge yoursel- your
body will absorb the excess without hurting your bodyat leels. lor the high carb day, I keep the
ats low, generally eat 40-60g o carbs at 4 or 5 o my meals, which will gie me 200-300g o carbs
,1-1.5g o carbs per lb o bodyweight,. 1otal meals per day will be between 6 and 10, depending
on exactly how long I`m awake, how ull I am rom one meal to the next, etc. I neer go more than
3 hours without eating, and I always leae a shake sitting on the back o the toilet to drink while I
piss in the middle o the night. Obiously, I make my shakes with water- don`t make the eening
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one with milk unless you like your milk sour.
But I still haen`t explained how to Fne tune this motherucker into a steamy sexpot o high octane
awesome! I guess you`ll hae to wait or the next installment...
\OU CAN GAIN \LIGl1 \I1lOU1 LOOKING LIKL A lA1 lUCK 3
Beore I really get into the exact methodology and science behind my approach to bulking, I`d like
to address conentional bulking diets. Iè dabbled in them, cutting them o when I thought I was
gaining too much at, and as a result neer really saw a whole lot o steady muscular bodyweight
gain. Sure, I gained a bit o muscle oer the course o about 8 years, but it wasn`t until I really
started dabbling in nutrition, experimenting with dierent macronutrient proFles, and tinkering
with eerything rom my calories to my eating requency, beore I started to really see an increase in
my lean mass gains. 1hus, here`s a short appraisal o conentional wisdom regarding bulking diets.
_X=1H
1he great-grandpappy o all modern bulking diets. 1his seems to hae grown out o the turn o
the century strongman`s penchant or drinking milk- all o them seem to hae drunk a great deal o
the shit, and Saxon took it a step urther and drank heay cream. listorically, milk has been con-
sidered to be a near-perect ood or humans, gien its high calcium and protein content, and the
act that raw milk is tremendously easy or a healthy person to digest. lippocrates adocated a raw
milk diet to cure tuberculosis, and both the Masai and Swiss based their diets on milk ,the Masai
consuming primarily cow milk and blood, supplemented with meat and maize, ,Bieler 212,.
Building on the belie that raw milk is the stu o greatness, a writer or trevgtb ava eattb, John
McCallum, penned articles touting raw milk as the way to grow ,later compiled into the book 1he
Complete Keys to Progress. Randall J. Strossen, editor o that book, took that idea a step urther,
and suggested that eeryone drink a gallon o milk a day and do his 20 rep squat program. It`s my
understanding that Strossen merely repackaged McCallum`s ideas about milk and squats, which
would make sense, as it was still legal to produce and transport raw milk in the US in 1965 ,when
McCallum penned the book,. In retrospect, I`d imagine the act that Pat Casey ,the Frst guy to
bench 600 lbs raw, and Doug lepburn ,the Frst guy to bench 500 raw, drank 6 quarts o milk a
day actored into the belie that a gallon o milk a day is the way to super-strength as well, as it real-
ly droe home McCallum`s suppositions.
No matter who inented it or why it became so popular, the adoption o that diet in this century is
ucking ridiculous or a ariety o reasons, starting with the act that it`s impossible to purchase raw
milk easily in the US, and pasteurized and homogenized milk borders on indigestible or most peo-
ple. \hereas raw milk merely erments in your intestines ,which actually makes it better or you,,
pasteurized milk putreFes ,Bieler 211,. Additionally, pasteurized milk is shown to be among the
top three ood allergies, and has symptoms ranging rom ear inection and bad breath to asthma,
abdominal cramping, diarrhea, croup, and asthma, een in people who are lactose tolerant ,Audette
58,. 1hrow into the mix the act that een skim milk contains 205g o sugar per gallon ,and has
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a higher GI than atty milks,, and youè got a ucking recipe or disaster. 1hus, in straining the
shit out o your digestie system, you`re getting a paltry 145g o protein or your eorts, not all o
which will be digested, due to the act that the at molecules in homogenized milk are broken down
into smaller parts and become a stealth deliery system or the proteins that puts them directly into
your bloodstream, causing allergies. Pasteurization takes care o the rest, killing all o the enzymes
that would aid in the digestion o this chemical monstrosity, putting the Fnal cards in place to
acilitate the transormation o milk rom a beneolent Dr. Jekyll into a slaering, soul-rending, ba-
by-raping, eiscerating horror show o a Mr. lyde. At best, it`s a quick way to get at as shit, in my
opinion, unless you swing a sledge all day long at work, or youè got the most reakish metabolism
o all time, and at worst, you can pretty much wreck eery one o your body`s internal systems with
GOMAD.
1he traditional bodybuilding bulking diet- this generally consists o the diet that was popular in
1990 amongst eeryone, or some reason, but in massie quantities. Low at, high carbs, moderate
protein ,though they`ll assert it`s high,. 1hus, you`re eating brown or white rice, eggies, and chick-
en breasts, in amounts that will aord you 1-1.5g protein per lb o bodyweight, 2-3g o carbs per
pound, and .5-1g o at. All day. Lery day. Does it work lor those amongst us with stout me-
tabolisms, and who do an inordinate amount o daily cardio, apparently. Perhaps those who nour-
ish on this sort o a diet are carb- or mixed-type metabolisms. I know that I neer really gained
much weight on this diet, nor was I particularly lean.
"#$ F$$:M))7 H,$.
1he aorite o guys like Lee Priest, who appear to be circus at men with some muscle beneath
their blubber in the o-season. It will put muscle on you, but eating garbage all day long is neither
conducie to good health, nor does it make or a particularly attractie physique. As the goal o the
enterprise on which weè embarked is to lean bulk, this diet`s useless to anyone who isn`t running
massie amounts o clenbuterol, test, and Gl... and looking at Lee Priest, it doesn`t work all that
well or those guys, either. \hile it might work or putting on sheer mass, it`s not useul or lean
gains, and the at you put on is a pain in the ass to take o later.
My bulking and cutting approaches are remarkably similar, and are the outgrowth o the works o
a number o people, including Ray Audette, Dan Duchaine, \arren \illey, Mauro Di Pasquale, and
een a bit o 1orbjorn Akereldt, all under the umbrella o \olcott`s Metabolic 1yping. My carb
and calorie cycling approach is essentially an amalgamation, then, o \arren \illey`s Zig Zag and
MCD ,modiFed carb drop, diets, Audette`s êavaertbiv recommendations, and Duchaine`s Body
Opus, with a bit o steering rom \olcott when picking my macronutrient proFles.
As I`m a protein type, I trend my protein extremely high,2g-,lb o bodyweight,, ollowed by at
and carbs. I you`re a carb or mixed type, you might want to tinker with my recommendations to
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better suit your metabolism. 1hrough hard training and the gradual introduction o more protein
in your diet, \olcott asserts that anyone can become a protein type, but the change is apparently
extremely gradual. In any eent, kicking o the basics is \illey`s Zig Zag diet, which is based on
a three day rotation o low-een-high calorie days, using the BMR to determine total caloric intake
and working backwards rom there. Iè already stated that I hae massie problems with BMR cal-
culations, but or the sake o exposition, he uses the BMR as a baseline, and then multiplies that by
.8 on low cal days and 1.2 on high cal days. le then uses an isocaloric macronutrient ratio to deter-
mine protein,carb,at intake. Personally, I think Zone dieting is the single astest way to mediocri-
ty, but I liked the underlying theory behind his plan.
In re my protein recommendation, there would appear to be a great deal o eidence` to show
that no one needs the massie amount o protein I recommend. As Iè got mountains o an-
ecdotal eidence backing me, I`m inclined to tell those parties just to go and get ucked, question
their manhood, uck their girlriend, and possibly leae them in a gutter broken and bleeding, but
Iè also got science on my side. Like my contention regarding basal metabolic rate, a 2004 me-
ta-analysis o protein studies called Protein and amino acids or athletes` concluded that there are
too many actors that enter into setting protein requirements, including the timing o ingestion in
relation to exercise and,or other nutrients, the composition o ingested amino acids and the type
o protein`,1ipton,. As such, they suggest that athletes go with the more is better` philosophy, as
there`s no eidence whatsoeer that high leels o dietary protein will hae a deleterious eect on a
healthy indiidual`s perormance or oerall health. 1his is why I`m going to 2g,lb o bodyweight,
and then working my other macros around that.
1hough \illey would likely disagree with my take on protein, Lyle Macdonald would not. Despite
our protein dispute, I still like the guy`s ideas, and like the modiFed carb drop \illey recommends,
which consists o 2 and 3 day keto runs ollowed by high carb days. As I`d used this to great eect,
and hae blogged about it in the past, I elt that combining these two diets might be eFcacious. 1o
urther increase this, howeer, it seemed that the inclusion o a paleo day in the place o the oc-
casional ast might proide a simple method by which one could create a caloric deFcit while still
remaining anabolic, nush any toxins one might hae accumulated, hae a day easy on the digestie
tract, and balance blood glucose leels that might hae been out o whack with the high-carb days
and,or cheat windows ,Paleolithic,. linally, I threw in the two cheat windows, which Iè ound
make the entire ucking diet awesome- they speed my metabolism ,Matsumoto,, allow me to eat
my ucking ace o, replenish my glycogen stores ,Bowden,, and increase my thyroid, adrenal, and
sex hormones ,Poehlman,, in addition to proiding and awesome orced break rom clean eat-
ing ,\estrate,, 1hough he proides no citations o any kind, Lyle Macdonald is also a an o the
cheat meal, though to a ar more limited degree than I am. I will suggest, howeer, that the eects
I described aboe are really only seen in people who are already airly lean- i you`re at ,15-,, I
would limit your gorging during cheat meals, as they`re not going to hae quite the same eect. In
act, there`s a ery real possibility that they`ll hae a at-deposition eect rather than a at-reduction
eect, in addition to the act that it will renew your loe o ood.
Side note: Iè stated on a couple o occasions that I disliked working with the obese or women
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on diet. 1his is due in large part to the act that their dieting issues are ar more psychological than
physical. 1heyè a loe o ood, and emotional response to ood, that I ail to understand or or
which am I willing or able to account. I you call yoursel a oodie`, you probably can`t be trust-
ed around cheat oods, and a cheat meal is likely to become a week-long binge that ends in type 2
diabetes. 1hus, you should stick to eating clean oods, and seek psychiatric help. Clearly, as I hae
only two emotions, happy and super-ripshit pissed, I`m not the guy to help you through your re-
pressed emotions, ear o abandonment, and sitophilia.
I know a number o you out there are enamored o Martin oer at LeanGains, as his philosophy
lends itsel to a somewhat less structured approach to dieting. I`m unconinced, howeer, in the
eFcacy o the theory backing intermittent asting, though they seem to work wonders or him and
or the progenitor o that theory, Ori lomekler. 1he human body is designed to store bodyat
or use during periods wherein one cannot Fnd ood, so his methodology seems apt to ail, gien
that you`re training your body to expect daily amines or which it must store at. According to the
science Iè seen, regular eedings, as opposed to inrequent eedings, improe one`s insulin proFles,
thermogenesis, lipolysis ,larshchi, \unsheng,. 1his is important, as these requent eedings should
speed your metabolism enough to aid in keeping your bulking phase lean. Old-school strongmen
will contend that this will retard your gains, but I`d suggest that the utilization o my method allows
or ar great lean mass gains without concurrent at gains, which makes it ar more eFcacious or
our original goal.
As we`d probably like to guard against too much encroachment into muscular gains by the thermo-
gensis created by requent eedings, it would behooe us to ensure that this is not going to nega-
tiely impact anabolism. Science to the rescue again, as studies appear to show that protein utili-
zation and anabolism is decreased when one orce-eeds rather than spreads their nutrient intake
throughout the day ,Cohn et al,. 1he deliery can either come in the orm o slow-digesting pro-
tein a couple o times a day, or aster digesting protein at regular, requent interals, but studies do
seem to show that protein utilization is improed i it`s spread throughout the day, rather restricted
to inrequent, large eedings ,Mosoni , Patreau,.
So, with what are we let llexibility. I`m not talking about stretching your muscles- I`m reerring
to stretching your mind. Obiously, dogmatism really neer enters into my dietary or weightliting
regimes, as I pull rom a wide ariety o clinical studies and esoteric sources. I`m constantly ealu-
ating both my perormance and appearance ,I don`t test my body at leels,, and tweaking my diet
there rom. I`ll tinker with a macronutrient ratios, timing and requency o cheat meals, the num-
ber o my meals, and any number o ariables in my workout routine. 1o ail to do so would be
beyond insane, but Iè heard umpteen stories about people ollowing bullshit diets or months on
end, seeing no results, and bitching about the ailure o their diet, their genetics, and irtually e-
erything on Larth other than their own ailure to ealuate and adjust their diets to suit their needs.
It`s akin to putting your car on cruise control and then going to sleep, thinking that the act that the
road is straight means you`ll arrie at your destination sae and sound.
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Progress in diet and in liting is ar rom a steady progression- it`s more like a sine wae, though
you`re hoping to end up more aboe than below the x-axis. 1he key is to recognize downward
trends and adjust your diet and training accordingly, to thwart your body`s continual eorts to
return you to homeostasis and mediocrity. I you can do that, while keeping your goal in sight and
reraining rom the urge to spend all o your time online dithering about what to do, rather than
simply doing it, clean bulking should be a goal entirely within anyone`s reach.
CAN`1 GAIN \LIGl1 GULSS \lA1- \OU`RL DOING I1 \RONG 1
1here is nothing new under the sun, without question, and nowhere is that adage more oten rea-
Frmed than the typical physical culture message board. 1herein, you`ll Fnd endless pleas or help
with programming, in spite o the act that the program contained therein appears to hae been
pulled rom the preious 43,000 entries with LXAC1L\ the same ucking insipid details. Addi-
tionally, you will Fnd scads o ehemently deended accounts o one man`s utile attempts to gain
weight, ollowed by assertions that the only way they`d be able to gain weight is through use o
dreaded, illegal, immoral, and possibly deadly anabolic substances. 1hese posts are as requent as
they are hackneyed, and match the eracity o an obese woman`s claims that she barely eats.` Just
as the atties hae conincing eidence supporting the idea that they are wildly under-reporting
their ood intake ,the median energy intake or obese men and oerweight and obese women |in
all studies| was below that required een or minimal sedentary actiity`,Jones,,, I`m coninced that
these hapless 135 lb assholes spinning their wheels in the gym are either the ictims o a massie
conspiracy by the US goernment to inect our nation`s youth with tapeworms or they`re lying
motheruckers. Gien that their oerweight counterparts are lying through their bloated, at-en-
crusted, and probably unwashed teeth, I`m going to go with the latter.
Iè already coered my methods or bulking without becoming terriFcally at, which can be ound
here, here, and here, but I think it`s high time we inestigated the diets o strength athletes who
hae gotten right the uck ater it in terms o bulking throughout history. \ith the exception o
Dae 1ate, who outlines JM Blakely`s take on bulking ,which seems representatie o the power-
liting community as a whole,, the ollowing liters all competed in the pre-steroid era, to orestall
whining out o the spindly uckers who are oreer contending that weight gain can only be made
by those who use gear. 1hus, without urther ado, I gie you:
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1%.#6% F'^)(
Vital Statistics
leight: 5`10`
\eight: 200 lbs.
Chest: 49`
Biceps: 1 1,8`
lorearm: 14 3,4`
1high: 24`
Cal: 16 3,4`
Bent Press: 31 lbs.
1wo lands Anyhow: 448 lbs.
Clean and Press: 342 lbs.
O all o the guys on whom Iè blogged, Saxon has got to be my aorite. A consummate maniac,
this guy lited big, lied bigger, and ate een bigger than that. Gien the act that the guy topped
out at 200 lbs, you`d expect the ollowing to be a giant bag o bullshit and historical reisionism. It
is, howeer, straight rom the proerbial mouth o a riend o Saxon`s teammate. 1he ollowing are
direct quotes about what the Saxon 1rio ,Arthur was the most amous and distinguished liter in a
competitie team, ate.
lor breakast they ate 24 eggs and 3 pounds o smoked bacon, porridge with cream, hon-
ey, marmalade and tea with plenty o sugar. At three o`clock they had dinner: ten pounds o
meat was consumed with egetables ,but not much potatoes,, sweet ruits, raw or cooked,
sweet cakes, salads, sweet puddings, cocoa and whipped cream and ery sweet tea. Supper,
ater the show, they had cold meat, smoked Fsh, much butter, cheese and beer. lollowing
this they had a chat and at one o`clock went to bed.`
1he Saxons did hae a health drink` which I presume they concocted themseles. 1he in-
gredients were dark lager beer ,or Dublin stout, mixed with lolland gin, the yolk o an egg
and plenty o sugar. It is a ery good but strong drink` was the Saxon opinion, but, i you
are not used to it you will get dizzy ery quickly.` It seems to me that one would hae to be a
Page 16
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ery strong man in the Frst place, in order to drink it.`
Later, in Lngland, as perormers, lermann and Kurt were partial to sweet oods and sugar.
1hey tried ery hard to gain weight but in spite o sweets and a terriFc appetite, sometimes
consuming one pound o butter between them, they ailed to gain weight, sometimes only a
ew pounds which they could not hold. Arthur, the oldest, did not care or sweets and but-
ter, een as a child he did not care or butter. Instead o butter he would use the lard rom
pork.`
1heir three o`clock dinner consisted mostly o roasted or ried meat, bee, pork or eal, not
much potatoes, plenty o salads with oil just as in their childhood. Sometimes they had eg-
etables, but always lean meat. Lery day they had pudding-yorkshire, rice, sago, etc., but ery
sweet. 1hen there was always raw or cooked ruits and nothing to drink. Sometimes, on one
day during the week, they roasted poultry, goose, chicken, or turkey.`
One day during the week they had ried or boiled Fsh, plenty o butter and toast but no
potatoes. At six o`clock they had tea`-this was mostly raw minced meat with raw onions,
German bread and plenty o butter, sometimes sweet cakes and coee were substituted.`
1heir late supper included herrings ,when they could get them, and eaten in the same
manner they had become accustomed to in childhood. 1he herrings were sometimes used
in salad orm, they made their own mayonnaise with raw whipped eggs and oil. 1here neer
was any whisky or brandy at home. Len as children they did not care or milk and as men
they deeloped no taste or it. At tea` time they ery oten had whipped cream. 1hey did
not care or boiled eggs, instead, they went big or poached eggs with plenty o butter`,Ga-
dreau,.
1hat, my riends, is ucking eating. Saxon was neer at on this diet, which would tend to lead
one to beliee that the more you lit ,the Saxon 1rio spent 4-6 hours a day training with near limit
poundages, the more you need to eat. Additionally, I`ll go out on a limb and suggest that at least
part o the reason or the Saxons` legendary strength was their heay utilization o oods heay in
saturated ats, which are positiely correlated with endogenous testosterone leels ,Volek,
\)6,- O9%
Vital Statistics
leight: 5`8.5
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\eight: 320
Neck - 20`
Biceps - 20`
lorearms - 16.3`
Chest - 55.2`
\aist - 4.4`
1highs - 28.5`
Cales - 19.3`
As you`d expect out o a guy with a waist damn near as big around as his chest, Cyr was a glut-
tonous motherucker. Piggish as he was, howeer, he was one o the strongest human beings to
eer walk the Larth. Cyr`s lits are the stu o legend- Cyr one-arm jerk pressed 23.5 lbs with a
thick-handled dumbbell, resisted the pull o our draught horses, two each side, pulling away at his
clenched hands, regardless o grooms cracking their whips to encourage the horses to pull harder
and strain their haunches`, and did a back lit with 4,000- pounds ,Gentle,.
lis appetite was een more legendary than his lits, howeer, as I think een the reakish Japanese
eating champs would hae trouble eating like Cyr. According to George Jowett, le could eat
more than our ordinary men at one sitting, and took a keen delight watching the amazement creep
oer the waiter`s ace when he turned in his order at the hotel. Six pounds o meat at one meal was
nothing or him. le could deour that or breakast.... Many a gourmand has gone away wiser in
head and lighter in pocket ater a meat-and-potato contest with the giant Louis`,111,. One time
|Louis and Barre| had an eating match to be decided by which could deour a twenty-two pound
suckling pig the quickest, and they say that Louis was done when lorace was little more than hal-
way through`,134,. It`s that kind o eating that uels a big body, rather than the ridiculous body-
builder-style chicken and rice ests that comprise the best o the scrawny-liters` bleating about
their inability to gain weight.
H)6E J$<+6%(
Vital Statistics
leight: 5`8
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\eight: 300
lepburn`s diet relied on two cornerstones: milk and eggs. 1his is airly unsurprising gien that he
was a loman product, and Bob loman was one o the progenitors o milk and egg protein
supplements. \hat was surprising, howeer, was the amount o ood lepburn ate- as a young
liter, at eery meal, he ate 18 eggs, a bunch o bananas, and a hal gallon o milk. 1his amounts to
a total o 540 grams o protein, which increased as his bodyweight increased. ,Katterle, Later in
lie, he continued to eat in such a manner as to make the dead at guy rom Seen look like he was
a light snacker, and would eat 6-8 eggs with eery meal, a normal portion o meat`, and wash it all
down with a shitload o milk 4-5 times a day. Additionally, lepburn consumed massie quantities
o protein supplements and itamins, and consumed as much as three imperial quarts during a
two-hour workout.`,Kiiha, 1hus, he was drinking well oer a gallon o milk a day, in addition to a
couple o dozen eggs as a supplement to his regular ood intake.
J$%*'(( _)$%($%
Vital Statistics
leight: 6`1`
\eight: 264-293
Neck: 20`
Lxpanded Chest: 52.5`
Biceps: 18.5`
lorearms: 1`
\aist: 38`
1highs: 2`
Another one o my all-time aorites, Goerner was pretty much a gigantic ersion o Arthur Saxon,
with the addition o war hero status, elephant-wrestling, and a litler mustache. I blogged about
Page 19
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him here, and consider him to be one o the single coolest people to hae eer lied. Like the rest
o these guys, Goerner ate protein Frst, most, and with a motherucking engeance. In stark con-
trast to lepburn, Goerner eschewed milk products or meat, which he ate in any orm he could
Fnd it. According to his best riend, who ollowed him around like a stenographer would ollow
a particularly sel-absorbed potentate, Goerner is Frmly coninced that a mixed diet is the best
or a strong man, with emphasis laid on eating good meals with the accent on meat! le particu-
larly partial to pork and bee and also wurst- German sausagemeat. Vegetables also, together with
potatoes, but not oerdoing the latter. le is ery ond o nuts- particularly walnuts- and all ruits:
apples especially, which he thinks eery strongman should eat, as well as oranges and other citrus
ruits. Cheese and eggs also Fgure into his diet, but he does not care or rich pastries nor does he
drink milk in any quantity`,Mueller 108-9,. Utilizing that paleo-esque diet, Goerner hit an all time
bodyweight high o 293, and remained airly lean while doing so. 1he key to his weight gain was
quantity, as he would spend a couple o hours in the bar attached to his gym eating sausage and
drinking beer ater eery workout.
1oday we continue our oray into the mysteries` o weight gain. Mysteries more mysterious than
the most mysterious Scooby Doo episode, and possibly more mysterious than the mysterious loe
child that would be produced i Sherlock lolmes, the cast o Scooby Doo, the lardy Boys, and
Nancy drew had a massie, week-long orgy. 1hat child would likely be called Lat More, \ou
lucking Jitbag`, and he`d look suspiciously like a plate o hamburgers, but he`d wear a cape so as to
play up the mysterious angle.
1o wit, more eidence:
D= @2'?$29
Vital Statistics
leight: No idea
\eight: Competed at 25 and 308, in addition to two other weight classes ,220 and 242, presum-
ably,
Benched 10 308
lrankly, I could Fnd little about JM Blakely online other than his prescription or weight gain,
which has been posted ad nauseam. One o his most amous quotes is Remember - I you want
to beat the man, youè gotta out-eat the man!` 1hough it should come as no surprise, all o the
criticism surrounding Blakely`s diet prescriptions centers around how at it would make a person...
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ignoring completely the act that Blakely himsel wasn`t at. As such, groupthink predominates
and Blakely`s dieting suggestions are little more than odder or online shit-talking by assholes who
don`t actually lit and justiFcation or disgusting atbodies to eat like they do, look like shit, and
remain weak as kittens ,likely because they spend all o the lie-long day talking shit oer the inter-
net rather than liting,. In any eent, Blakely`s bulking suggestions are as wild as they are obiously
eectie, and here they are as related by Dae 1ate:
lor breakast you need to eat our o those breakast sandwiches rom McDonalds. I don`t
care which ones you get, but make sure to get our. Order our hash browns, too. Now grab
two packs o mayonnaise and put them on the hash browns and then slip them into the
sandwiches. Squish that shit down and eat. 1hat`s your breakast.`
lor lunch you`re gonna eat Chinese ood. Now I don`t want you eating that crappy stu.
\ou wanna get the stu with MSG. None o that non-MSG bullshit. I don`t care what you
eat but you hae to sit down and eat or at least 45 minutes straight. \ou can`t let go o the
ork. Lat until your eyes swell up and become slits and you start to look like the woman be-
hind the counter.`
lor dinner you`re gonna order an extra-large pizza with eerything on it. Literally eery-
thing. I you don`t like sardines, don`t put em on, but anything else that you like you hae
to load it on there. Ater you pay the deliery guy, I want you to take the pie to your coee
table, open that ucker up, and grab a bottle o oil. It can be olie oil, canola oil, whateer.
Anything but motor oil. And I want you to pour that shit oer the pie until hal o the bottle
is gone. Just soak the shit out o it.`
Now beore you lay into it, I want you to sit on your couch and just stare at that ucker. I
want you to understand that that pizza right there is keeping you rom your goals.`
Now you`re on the clock,` he continues. Ater 20 minutes your brain is going to tell you
you`re ull. Don`t listen to that shit. \ou hae to try and eat as much o the pizza as you can
beore that 20-minute mark. Double up pieces i you hae to. I`m telling you now, you`re go-
ing to get three or our pieces in and you`re gonna want to quit. \ou ucking can`t quit. \ou
hae to sit on that couch until eery piece is done.
And i you can`t Fnish it, don`t you eer come back to me and tell me you can`t gain weight.
Cause I`m gonna tell you that you don`t gie a uck about getting bigger and you don`t care
how much you lit!`
Did I do it lell yeah. Started the next day and did it or two months. \ent rom 260
pounds to 29 pounds. And I didn`t get much atter. One o the hardest things Iè eer
done in my lie, though`,Green,.
1he caloric intake on Blakely`s diet is colossal. An Llitel1S contributor calculated that the total
caloric intake on this diet is conseratiely placed at oer 11k calories per day.
O'2)%,$- `?/'2R
4 breakast sandwiches: 1800
4 hash browns: 600
2 packs mayo: 160
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Chinese buet binge: 4000
Large pizza w, the works: 3040
Olie oil: 2000
1otal: 11,600 kcals ,Patterson,
In spite o his seemingly ridiculous assertions about bulking, Blakely appears to be a remarkably
intelligent and leel-headed guy about it. le states, or instance:
Remember that the weight gain is to be temporary. \ou should plan a reducing diet to
ollow at a speciFed time in your training. 1his is where you attempt to maintain most o
the new strength you amassed during the bulking phase while lowering your body at to the
same leel you started at. \ou are not training to get stronger, only to hold the strength you
hae while dropping the excess. Commit yoursel to the goal o returning to your starting
leel o bodyat and see how much o the new strength you`re kept. I you diet right, it
should be aboe 80. So that is your true gain. 1he gain you keep ater gaining and losing
the excess bodyat is what counts. I you gain 20 lbs on your bench and lose 15 when you
diet, you missed the point. I you gain 20 lbs on the bench and keep 15 ,16, youè achieed
something and done it correctly. Now repeat this process as necessary!! I suggest that you
only hold your weight heay or no longer than 5-6 months beore you diet back down. Lach
time you repeat this process, you will hold more strength and hae more muscle mass than
beore. Aoid staying heay too long. It is only temporary`,Blakely,.
In that light, the suggestions Dae 1ate blithely applied to his own diet make ar more sense. 1he
idea is not that one should become a giant atass- the idea is that true dramatic changes to one`s
physique occur as the result o dramatic eorts both in the gym and at the dinner table. lears o
at-assedness can thus hardly be maintained with any degree o alidity due to the act that Blakely`s
diet is not intended to be conducted like a runaway train, but rather as a cyclical method or in-
creasing lean body mass while maintaining one`s leel o bodyat. It is, i you will, the ABCDL diet
,read more here, taken to an enormous temporal extreme. \ill that allay the ears o the internet`s
legions o skinny-at know-nothings Certainly not, but those idiots are beyond helping anyway,
so let`s dig a shallow ditch, shoe them in, plant a gym atop it and laugh as we shit on their burial
ground.
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1(.#)(9 H,.,22)
Vital Statistics
leight: 5`6`
\eight: 258 lbs
Strict Standing Ol Press:350 lbs.
Seated press to orehead: 435x3 ,that`s not a typo- that comes rom Poliquin himsel,
Ditillo`s name isn`t really a household name, outside o those people who read Dezso Ban and
associate the name Ditillo with that site. le was, howeer, an incredibly strong and insightul guy
with some impressie lits. Charles Poliquin lists him as an innuence, which is heady praise indeed.
Ditillo wrote or Iron Man magazine or a couple o decades and practiced what he preached- he
bulked to 300 at one point and then cut down to 190 thereater. Gien his pedigree, liting accom-
plishments, and the act that he was a master o weight manipulation, you`d think that he`d be the
go to guy on the subject, but inormation on this motherucker is as scanty as the ew biographical
tidbits I could locate are obsequious. Neertheless, he had the ollowing to say on the subject o
weight gain, which I pared down rom a rather lengthy article:
1oday the physical culture world is eneloped with training systems most o which are not
worth the paper they are printed on. \ou hear all kinds o reasons or not being able to gain
weight: high metabolism, low metabolism, high energy leel, low energy leel. \hat is all the
ballyhoo about I you hae low metabolism than your problem would not be one o being
unable to gain weight, but o controlling this weight and keeping reasonably lean. I, on the
other hand, you hae a high metabolism you must perorm mass muscle moements in low
sets o repetitions twice a week. \ou also must continuously orce yoursel to eat more and
more good wholesome ood. Drink lots o milk. It can really make you grow. Lats lots o
lean meat. It`s good or you. And don`t orget the ruits and egetables. 1hey`re ALL import-
ant.
So you see, it`s not all that inoled when it comes to gaining weight. All you hae to know is
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what category you Ft into, and train and eat accordingly. Instead o taking one multi-itamin
per day, increase to three. 1hree to our quarts o milk per day, ortiFed with some protein
powder and powdered milk can go a long way in increasing your weight. Six to eight meals a
day ,solid as well as liquid included, may be necessary to jolt your system to adaptability or
gaining weight.
All Italian oods are high in calories and loaded with carbohydrates or energy along with
quite a bit o protein in the orm o grated cheese, pizza cheese, meatballs, eal, according to
the ingredients.
F'*<2$ C$,E#. _',(,(E F)6<
1hree cups prepared egetable soup.
One cup peas.
One cup corn niblets.
One pound precooked lean bee.
One cup pork and beans.
One cup lima beans.
One cooked potato, cut up.
Do not add any water to the aboe recipe.
F'*<2$ C$,E#. _',(,(E H%,(?
One quart whole milk.
One pint light cream.
One pint heay cream.
One pint ice cream.
1wo packets gelatin.
One cup skim milk powder.
1hree tbsp. honey.
One cup ruit salad.
One cup protein powder.
Blend the ingredients together. I would recommend drinking hal this mixture an hour be-
ore a workout, and Fnishing the other hal one hour beore retiring or the night. Coupled
with all the inormation and suggestions in this article I can`t see why anyone can`t gain all
the weight he wants.`
Clearly, he and Blakely were precisely on the same page about eating to gain weight- it`s simply a
matter o orcing yoursel, no matter how unpleasant stuFng yoursel might be, to eat as much
ood as you possibly can at eery opportunity. le was ar more o a an o getting his calories in
liquid orm than was Blakely, but the message remains the same- i you eat it, you will grow.
Additionally, Ditillo didn`t beliee that you should continuously stu yoursel until you resembled
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one o the disgusting tubby motheruckers you see oozing around \al-Mart on a Rascal. Instead,
Ditillo recommended periodic cutting phases to consolidate one`s gains and ensure that you max-
imized your strength to weight ratio... an idea that seems to hae died out in the 21st century as
arious atasses justiy their impending coronary with assertions that absolute strength, no relatie
strength, is the only true marker o oerall strength.
W)%+$%. F/#$*'(-?9
Vital Statistics
leight: 5`11` ,181 cm,
\eight: 90-121 kg
Set 13 \orld Records in Olympic \eightliting
3 time \orld Champion in Oly \eightliting
Pan American Champ
434.5 lb Jerk at 194 lbs.
441 lb continental and jerk at 194 lbs.
One o only a ew people to lit the Apollon wheels ,366 lbs o train wheels on a at bar,
Presumably due to the utter ridiculousness o his name, Ski`, as he came to be called, is one
pissed o motherucker. 1hough youè likely neer heard his name, he`s one o the best-built
heayweight Olympic liters o all time, and pulled o a bey o coups in the Olympics against the
Russians, earning a medals in the Olympics oer 16 years- siler in London in 1948, gold in 1952
,where he was the Frst Olympic liter to put double his bodyweight oerhead,, and bronze in Rome
in 1960 and 1okyo in 1964. lis story is actually airly interesting, as he essentially lied in utter
poerty throughout his liting career to pursue his Olympic dream. 1his was not because he was a
lepburn clone who couldn`t communicate with other human beings and lied in the gym- instead,
it`s because he recognized that most people suck and was not araid to tell them about it. In Ski`s
words:
I was working at Briggs Manuacturing and I asked or time o, and one o the guys rom
downstairs said, Gie him all the time o he wants -- Fre him,``
I said, Bleep you, I`m leaing``,Green,
In case you were curious, Ski was a super heayweight at the end o his career. le started, howe-
er, as a middle-heayweight, and continually gained weight and continued to dominate throughout
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his career, all while staying airly lean.
1he diet he used to dominate the uck out o the commies I like to call it 1he American
Dream.` 1his consisted o lamburgers. Pizza. Beer,` according to Ski, in such quantities that he
claimed Budwiser would hae made him a millionaire with sponsorships, as would hae Mike Illitch
,ounder o Little Caesar`s, ,Green,.
K'(7)* ",7+,.-
lrankly, I don`t thing there`s any amount o eidence I could proer that would conince most o
the dickbags whining about weight gain, but that`s neer stopped me trying beore. Some people
won`t listen to reason, no matter how much eidence is proided to disabuse them o their idiotic
positions- Iè een seen criticisms online that I proided no eidence` to support my claims that
persistence hunting and the eolution o distance running` were a pile o shit, despite the act
that cited 41 separate sources in the our eidence entries ranging rom anthropological resourc-
es to Pubmed and eerything in between. Laughable as that is, it deFnitely points to the act that
emotions will blind the liing shit out o people and they`ll ignore eidence right in ront o them
so as to not eel like the pile o shit they know themseles to be. In any eent, here are a ew more
tidbits rom a ariety o liters beore I moe on:

I) H,'(: Coan wrestled at 98 pounds in high school, and holds records in powerliting at
181, 198, 220, and 242. 1he man clearly knows how to gain weight and make it ucking count. lis
adice on diet is ucking simple: I eat Fe times per day, try to get a lot o protein in, and when I
cheat, I cheat` ,Koenig,.
V'& H'5+;: Iè blogged about this guy beore, and he was another master weight manip-
ulator. Like eeryone else about whom Iè blogged, Casey belieed protein to be the critical com-
ponent o any diet, and when bulking he would drink 6 quarts o milk daily plus dozen eggs
with protein. le would also take numerous itamins.` lis diet was based around meat, milk, and
eggs, and eerything else was a secondary consideration.
V'4> N()+*5,(: Anderson was a at motherucker, but he was a strong, at motherucker.
,Blog`s here, Anderson went ater weight gain just like he did eerything else- big and bold. Lxact-
ly like Ditillo, Anderson belieed that it was a massie pain in the ass to eat all the time, so he drank
the majority o his calories. According to Anderson, he sometimes consumed three to our quarts
o milk per day`, and would occasionally blend a dozen raw eggs into sweet ,condensed, milk.
Later, he experimented with mixing protein powder into the sweet milk with eggs and ice cream,
in addition to drinking cow blood and a bunch o other craziness.,Anderson, le also ate massie
amounts o peanuts, put gelatin into all o his juices to add protein, and ate a tremendous amount
o strength-building soups` inented by his mom, which consisted arious combinations o meat
and Fsh with bee drippings added. Just in case that wasn`t enough, Anderson experimented with
the additions o massie amounts o sugar to his diet:
Occasionally I would drink sot drinks during my training and noticed when I did
this I could perorm much better, and my digestie cycle would work much aster.
1his proed to me that I needed a great deal more sugar. It seemed that the more
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protein I took, the more sugar I needed to help digest the protein, and also gie me
quick energy. I turned to the greatest sugar supply I could Fnd, which was honey. I
soon ound that much o the honey that could be bought in grocery stores did not do
me as much good as honey direct rom the beehie, bought rom a armer. It was my
personal belie that much o the honey that was on the market had been heated in a
pasteurizing process and had lost some o its quick digesting qualities.`
On that note, I can stop giing examples in good conscience. I you`re complaining you cannot
gain weight, no matter what you do, but haen`t tried adding liquid bee at to your soup and con-
suming a metric ton o ucking sugar eery day, youè not yet scratched the surace o trying to
gain weight. lor those o you slaering or eidence supporting my contentions about the link
between at and testosterone, they`ll be in the next installment o the series, in addition to some
interesting common themes in the training methods o the liters Iè outlined here.
laing coered myriad weight gain diets used by champion liters throughout the last hundred
years, a couple o prominent themes rose to the surace:
all diets should be protein-centric. No true muscular weight gain can take place without
making massie protein consumption one`s primary goal.
one`s diet should be high in animal ats. lats seemed to comprise the caloric majority o all
o the diets I outlined and seem to play a ital role in muscular weight gain and strength training in
general.
a proper weight gain diet contains what would appear to a casual obserer to be a ludicrous
number o calories.
1he utility o protein in any weight trainer`s diet has been coered ad nauseam by mysel and oth-
ers, and hardly seems worth reisiting. In short, without deoting a considerable portion o your
diet to high-quality protein sources, you will not grow. Additionally, high leels o protein con-
sumption is positiely correlated with bone mass ,Cooper,, inersely correlated with serum concen-
trations o sex hormone-binding globulin ,the shit in your blood that preents your testosterone
rom binding to your receptors, aka shit in your blood that sucks`,,Longcope,, may improe ath-
letic perormance, and despite ast amounts o negatie press based on ancient studies ,Campbell,,
do not negatiely aect renal unction,Ibid,. Rob laigin deoted hal o his epic, must read book
to protein, so it`s got to be good, right
Conersely, high at diets hae receied either mixed reiews in the press or oerwhelmingly nega-
tie reiews, but are rarely portrayed as anything but highly dangerous and possibly insane. In my
inestigation, howeer, at is the unsung hero o strongmen. 1he utility o a diet high in animal
ats is perhaps the most interesting theme running through the diets o sundry strongmen, and
bears urther inestigation. I you`d care to brieny reisit the preious installments, you`ll notice
that eery last one o those motheruckers ate saturated at like they were persistence hunting a
coronary. 1hough I doubt any o them knew it, the inclusion o massie amounts o at in the diet
has been shown to markedly increase testosterone leels. According to a 1982 study, high at diets
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
resulted in markedly improed serum testosterone concentrations when compared with low at
diets. Additionally, the switch rom one diet to the other caused test leels to change accordingly.
In this study, dietary percentages o at and carbohydrates ranged rom 25-40 and 45-5,
respectiely, and the results showed or the Frst time that a high Fber, low-at diet signiFcantly re-
duces the biologically actie, ree testosterone in serum ,lamalainen et al,.
Another study was conducted in 2004 on the subject that made things a bit more interesting by
comparing the eect o at intake on strength athletes to non-athletes, and ound that there was a
signiFcant correlation between testosterone leels and saturated at intake in the strength athletes.
,Sallinen, 1his Fnding was especially interesting gien the stated comparison, and would seem to
corroborate the incidental correlation between the supermen Iè outlined in this series and their
diets. 1his correlation was ound to exist een more impressiely in another Penn State study in
1994, which showed that the correlation between dietary at and testosterone leels is een high-
er than the correlation between weight training ,albeit a airly ridiculous program o jump squats
and bench pressing,.,Volek et al, 1he result o both studies, howeer, is the theory that dietary
at and protein intake may lead to |positie| alterations in the regulation o the endocrine system
during prolonged strength training` and that saturated atty acids and monounsaturated atty acids
are strongly associated with serum basal testosterone concentrations` ,Ibid,. In short- i you train
your ass o and eat a lot o saturated at, your body will reward you or stuFng yoursel with
wings and bee ribs with lower oerall bodyat, harder erections, more physical strength, better
mental health, and a whole host o other health beneFts.,Korning, Men`s lealth, Sartberg,
linally, as JM Blakely stated so succinctly, Remember - I you want to beat the man, youè gotta
out-eat the man!` I am perhaps among the worst o the strength training community in oer-ana-
lyzing the role diet plays in strength building, but I can Fnd absolutely no ault with this statement.
Certainly it bears mentioning that there are some caeats to this rule, and that the composition o
one`s diet is just as important as its olume, but olume is a generally ignored issue in weight gain,
amusing as that sounds. 1hus, i you Fnd that you cannot gain weight, it`s likely how much you are
eating as opposed to what- the what` only enters into play when examining the kind o weight
you`re gaining. 1hus, i you want to gain weight, you need to line up protein-rich oods and attack
them like you`re Kobayashi in an eating competition with Galactus.
1he themes consistent across these strongmen`s liestyles actually extend urther than their o-
racious appetites and amusing ood choices. Not surprisingly, most or all o the superhumanly
strong motheruckers Iè mentioned in their series made mention o the necessity o making like
a modern-day Rip Van \inkle. Anderson stated outright that more than 8 hours was necessary,
lepburn apparently ound 10 hours was the golden amount ,Katterle,, Pat Casey agreed with lep-
burn ,Casey,, and Arthur Saxon got at least 8 hours a night ,Gaudreau,. Most o them mentioned
the importance o sleep in terms o recoery, and should thus be a consideration or the lot o you
as well. Amusingly, I get a multitude o questions regarding the necessity o sleep, in spite o the
act that Iè made my opinion on the subject airly plain. As such, here`s a blanket answer to the
question is there a way around the sleep issue` NO. 1here is not.
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3(-)*(,'a
Better hit up the nearest gay guy or some GlB or jump a ratboy and steal his rooFes
,which is probably a good plan een i you`re not haing any trouble sleeping-who needs a reason
to uck up a rat boy,.
W) .,*$ ;)% -2$$<a
Make some.
c)6 /'(B.a
I guess you`re ucked, then.
1he last trend I noticed in my research was the propensity or these trainers to stay in the 5 reps
or less range.` Saxon, Anderson, and lepburn all seemed to aor 1-3 reps, and the only person
who consistently seemed to train at a higher rep range than 5 on a regular basis was Ld Coan,
who would enture into the 6-8 range. Iè mentioned preiously my problems with the rep range
breakdowns in terms o their eFcacy or certain goals, but I ound this to be a nice bit o anec-
dotal eidence to support my supposition that the conentionally accepted ideas about rep ranges
and hypertrophy are total horseshit. I`ll touch more on this issue in a uture blog, so this anecdotal
eidence will hae to suFce or now.
1o wrap up, I1 COULD NO1 BL SIMPLLR:
$'. *)%$ <%).$,( '(7 -'.6%'.$7 ;'.0
2,;. 4$%9 #$'49
E$. ' +'%$ *,(,*6* ); $,E#. #)6%- -2$$<0
I neer claimed it was rocket science- these are not men who spent a lot o time dithering about
shit.
I1`S 1IML 1O S1OP MOCKING INDIANS lOR 1lLIR CLUBBLLLS 44:
.va Yov 1bovgbt vvo !re.tter. aa . vc/ea | Diet
Beore their jacked brown bodies were pulled into the cold, clammy bosom o the British Lmpire,
Indians were hard as ucking nails. Iè already expounded upon this pretty hard, detailing the
wacky shit up to which they used to get, like sports` that consisted o angering male bulls in heat
and dinging the world`s most dangerous pole dancing, but it went urther than that. Additionally,
Indians were ucking jacked back in the day, though their physiques diered pretty markedly rom
that o what one would typically think o when they`re thinking jacked`. Rather than looking like
Ronnie eerybody wanna be big but don`t nobody wanna lit no heay ass weight` Coleman, they
looked quite a bit more like what we`d all picture Paul Bunyan to look like- thickly muscled, big-ass
orearms, and a thick midsection with a hint o abs but no real deFnition. 1hey actually pursued
that look actiely, or some reason, thinking that bodybuilders simply look like a bunch o weird
bodyparts jammed together and held in place with the liberal application o staples and hot glue. I
don`t think, howeer, it was their training that created the dierent physiques so much as their diets,
howeer, and the modern diet o the pehlwans ,which literally means strong man`, but essentially
means wrestler`, is pretty much as wild as you can imagine. I you thought sumo wrestlers got up
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to some dietary shenanigans, prepare to hae your mind blown harder than a uniersity o South
Carolina running back`s knees.
Beore I die into the diets o Indian strong men, it bears mentioning that Indian diets dier con-
siderably rom person to person, as they base their diet on your general personality proFle and
your actiity leel. 1hus, i you`re quick-tempered and wrestle and lit all day, you want to eat cool
oods, but i you`re lazy and stoic, you should probably be eating hot ood. Additionally, Indian
Ayuredic medicine actually prescribes diering diets or each season. 1here`s a bit o weird logic
behind it into which I won`t really go, but they recommend, or instance, that you eat attier oods
in the winter, lighter oods in the summer, and lean, protein rich, dry oods in the rainy season. Ba-
sically, you`re eating to balance yoursel out with the world around you. 1his is, I realize, a ar uck-
ing cry rom what you were probably expecting, gien my penchant or breaking down shit by their
macronutrients and deling into the complex physiological unpinning o a gien dietary choice, but
the Indians don`t gie a uck about that shit. 1hey`re relying, it seems, on good old-ashioned al-
chemy, some guesswork, and possibly some magical chicanery or their diets. 1here are recommen-
dations and prohibitions or naor as well, which are too complex and numerous or me to detail
but are as interesting as they are nonsensical and amusing to research i you Fnd yoursel bored on
\ikipedia one day.
I cannot quite die into Indian liters` diets yet, though, because I hae to debunk a common myth.
1hat myth is that lindu Indians eschew any and all meat, with bee being ormat amongst their
dietary taboos. 1his is, like most common knowledge`, total ucking horseshit. 1hough I would
hardly call mysel an absolute authority on Indian history, I can state that there appears to be com-
pelling eidence showing that egetarianism in India is a remarkably modern phenomenon. It
seems to hae been imposed, oer time, as an outgrowth o theocratic sentiment, rather than any
religious prescription. Similar to the prohibition o meat eating on lridays by the Catholic Church,
there was a rather dark economic rationale behind the prohibition o bee consumption. Amus-
ingly, the widespread prohibition o bee and other meat consumption occurred contiguous with
India`s precipitous all rom a position as a world power. 1hat`s not to say these dietary proscrip-
tions were ollowed, howeer, but rather that the edicts themseles were issued.
In the distant past, Indians ate just about anything made o meat o which you could think- their
highest castes considered consecrated meat consumption to actually be a orm o worship. 1he
Rigreaa requently reers to the cooking ox meat or oerings to the gods ,Jha 29,, oerings o 1,
100, and 300 bualo were made to the god Indra ,Ibid,, and cattle sacriFce to the gods Mitra and
Varuna ,Jha 30,. Compounding this are statements in the 1aittiriya Brahmana that unambiguous-
ly` reer to the sacriFcial killing o cows, which are erily ood` ,Jha 31,, and multiple mentions
o bee as the best kind o ood in the Satapatha Brahmana ,Jha 32,. Clearly, the ancient Aryans
were busy grilling steaks eery night while subjugating the existing populations, but you might won-
der i the indigenous non-Aryans sided with or against the Chik-lil-A cows. 1he answer`s exactly
what any rational person would think- they were sidling right up to the grill or seconds.
1he larrappan ciilization was already established in India when the Aryans inaded, bringing with
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them the religion that would later become linduism. 1hese people weren`t just lowly hunter-gath-
erers, either- they had adanced constructions in which they lied that eatured toilets with nowing
water sewage systems, the most adanced measurement system in the ancient world, the Frst den-
tists ,eidence o the Frst drilled molars were ound in larrappan cities,, and one o the oldest
writing systems in the world. Despite all o that adancement, they were apparently shitty warriors
and got the brakes beat o them by the Aryans, who conquered the larappans and supplanted
their existing culture with Aryan culture and religion. 1he produce o the Aryan religion were the
Vedas, a series o Brahmanical texts written oer time, not unlike the books o the Christian Bi-
ble. Similarly, these books oten contradict each other, though the Vedas are airly uniorm in the
stance on meat consumption- it`s allowed. Most meat was allowed irrespectie o the reason be-
hind the animal`s killing, though animals generally considered to be dirty were oten aoided. Until
the 19th century, Indian sages and Punjabi badasses alike reeled in their meat and ate the uck out
o it. It wasn`t until lindu temples laid down the law around the country to line their own pockets
that meat really began to be eschewed on a wider scale, but cattle are still regularly slaughtered and
eaten in rural areas o Lastern India, and the Indian Physical Culture Lncyclopedia espoused the
consumption o meat as well, particularly in the all, which alls in line with the Ayuredic dietary
recommendations ,685,.
Jumping orward to the modern era, pehlwans unortunately aren`t snacking on bee jerky all day
as a uck you to the assholes who want to keep them rom eating delicious, delicious bee. Instead,
they eat a daily caloric catastrophe that makes sumo wrestlers look positiely pro-ana by compari-
son. 1he pehlwan`s specialized diet is reerred to as khurak, and consists primarily o ghee, milk,
and almonds 1hey`re not as concerned with what they eat, howeer, as how much o it they eat.
Not unlike the sumo o Japan, these motheruckers put ood away like their name was JM Blakely
and they hated seeing abs more than a at admirer at a BB\ pickup bar. 1hus, they drink buck-
ets o milk, eat kilograms o almonds, and deour large quantities o ghi per day`,Alter,. Because
they`re constantly training, pehlwans attempt to eat the coolest, most satta oods. 1hough they
don`t always agree on what`s most satta, milk and ghee are considered to be paramount and are
thus their two most important oods, and the oods around which they structure the rest o their
diets. According to Joseph Alter, many pehlwans still eat meat, howeer.
\hile meat is regarded as rajas in nature, wrestlers who eat meat tend to rationalize this.
1hey argue that one can eat meat and to some extent aoid the consequences. 1he trick is to
neutralize the rajas nature o meat by some orm o counteractiity. I was not able to deter-
mine what these counteractiities were. loweer, many wrestlers implied that meat would
only aggraate one`s passion i one were naturally` predisposed towards excitability, anger,
and hypertension. 1hus anyone who ate meat could, and oten did, argue that they were so
satta by nature that meat did not adersely aect them. Moreoer, by irtue o their nat-
urally aggressie military` disposition, Rajputs are thought to thrie on meat ,c. Carstairs
1958, Minturn and litchcock 1966, Seesodia 1915, Steed 1955,. Some Rajput wrestlers argue
that meat is good or them because they should, in a sense, eat what they are`,Alter,.
I`m just going to go on record and state that I think the ast majority o this shit is ully insane- or
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me, this is an entirely intellectual exercise. I`m sure there`s something to be learned here, though,
so it bears inestigation. 1hat inestigation does not include ghee, howeer, as I ucking despise its
taste and smell almost as much as yak butter, which smells like a sweaty old man`s balls. It`s ucking
horrible. I smegma and dogshit ucked, their unholy spawn would smell like a mild peppermint
candy scented candle compared to burning yak butter, and ghee doesn`t smell much better than yak
butter. Additionally, both o those horrid substances hae scents that cling to your clothes through
multiple washes, not unlike Animal Pak itamins. Leae an Animal Pak in your pocket or a day
and see how long it takes to get the smell out- this shit is the same way.
Beore you start googling, here`s the nutritional breakdown on ghee- it`s comprised entirely o at,
and the majority o that is saturated. Ghee has 5 grams o at per teaspoon, which will be an im-
portant metric when you see how much o it these maniacs consume daily. According to Indians,
ghee is good or nearly eerything` and seres as a perect, natural health tonic`,Alter,. 1hey
hae a ariety o ways to get what amounts to liquiFed at into their systems, and surprisingly none
o them inole a caulking gun and an open wound. Among the preerred ways to get ghee into
your diet, here are the highlights:
Ater exercise, place as much ghi as you are accustomed to drinking in a pan. Coer this
pan with a Fne cloth and sprinkle ground-sugar candy on it. 1hen take some milk and pour it
through the cloth into the pan with the ghi. Drink this mixture. 1here are a number o ariations
on this basic prescription. All entail the use o arious speciFc, medicinal, tonic digestie powders
reerred to generically as churan. In all such prescriptions, churan, ground pepper, milk, ghi, and
honey are mixed together in arious proportions. Milk is always the Fnal ingredient and is mixed in
with the other items ,Atreya 1984: 28,.
Ater exercise, take powdered black pepper and mix it in with as much ghi as you are ac-
customed to drinking. leat the ghi to a point where it is compatible with your strength ,the heat`
reerred to here is not only the temperature o the ghi but its latent energy as well,. Drink the ghi in
its melted orm.
In its melted orm ghi is also consumed with ood. It may be drunk beore the regular meal
or mixed in with lentils and egetables or poured on bread and rice.
One o the best ways to take ghi in your diet is to mix it with dried, powdered nuts and
grains. Basically anything which is dry in nature-dry in the sense o being non-unctuous-can
be mixed with ghi in this way. 1ake whateer it is that you wish to mix-almonds, chana, ,p. 122 ,
dried peas, pistachios-and grind them into a Fne powder. Put this powder into an iron skillet and
brown it oer a Fre. Add some water and continue cooking the mixture until about 150 grams o
water remains. 1ake the iron skillet o the Fre and heat up as much ghi as you are accustomed to
drinking. Once this is hot, remoe it rom the Fre, take the powdered mixture and add it to the ghi
so that it is lightly and quickly browned. Drink,eat this mixture ater you hae Fnished your exer-
cise regimen.
In the eening, take your usual quantity o milk and warm it. Add to this as much ghi as
you are accustomed to drinking. Allow this mixture to orm into yogurt through the addition o the
correct culture. Drink this yogurt ater your morning exercises. Be sure not to add any water.
Grind almonds and black pepper together with some water. leat up as much ghi as you
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wish to drink and then add the almond paste to the ghi. Add some sugar and drink this mixture.
Mix together equal parts ghi, gur ,hard molasses,, and besan ,chickpea, nour. Lat this mix-
ture as a snack ater exercise.
Mix as much ghi as you wish to drink with as much warm milk as you are able to drink.
Consume this ater exercise. 1his is dierent rom the other prescriptions in that no digestie ton-
ics are mixed with the milk and ghi ,Alter,.
My abject hatred o ghee aside, there appears to be a little method to this madness. Ghee`s ren-
dered butter, which means it`s almost entirely saturated at. As such, it`s incredibly anabolic. 1he
pehlwans seem to like to add both high-glycemic carbs and protein to ghee post workout, making
what would probably be the world`s most disgusting but reasonably nutritious post-workout shake.
Perhaps a bit more reasonable are their post-workout milk drinking habits. Depending on the
wrestler, they consume milk either raw or boiled, and then alter it or at content to suit their needs.
Based on their digestie abilities, wrestlers seem to either go high-carb,low at, or moderate carb,
stupidly high at. lor the ormer, they add sugar or molasses to low at milk, and in the latter they
add ruit and yogurt to ull-at milk to make a high-at milkshake called lassi ,Alter,.
\hile they hae a bit o nutritional logic on their side or the inclusion o ghee in their diets, the
olume thereo is another matter entirely. 1hese motheruckers drink liquid butter in amounts that
make me ill thinking about it, and i just Fnished eating our pounds o bee ribs. According ,again,
to Joseph Alter,
\restlers tend to increase the olume o consumption in proportion to the number o
exercises they do in their yayam ,p. 126 , regimen. 1here is no simple equation or this but
wrestlers who do 1,500 dands and 3,000 bethaks consume about hal a liter o ghi and two
liters o milk per day. Since the amount o milk, ghi, and almonds one can eat is a direct
renection o one`s strength, wrestlers tend to eat increasingly larger quantities o these items.
In many respects being able to eat and digest hal a liter o ghi per day is regarded as a kind
o exercise in its own right. One must work up to this olume gradually. It is said that Sadhi-
ki Pahalwan, a great wrestler o the late nineteenth century, consumed a canister ,Fe kilo-
grams, o ghi per day.`
lIVL lUCKING KILOGRAMS A DA\. Let`s do the math, kids.
5 Kg ~ 5000g
5000 g ghee ~ 5000 g at
5000 g at ~ 45000 kcal rom at
1hat is, o course, impossible or a human being to consume or digest, but een i it was a tenth
o that, it`d be a hell o a lot o at. No matter what kind o silly-assed lerschell \alker workout
nonsense you`re doing, that`s a ridiculous amount o at, and an astonishing amount o calories or
a single ood source... a ood source that is a ucking condiment. Len the hal a liter a day num-
ber is ridiculous, howeer- a hal liter o ghee a day yields 5000 calories o at, which is 4500 calo-
ries rom at. 1hat`s a preposterous amount o at or a person to consume in a day.
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As I mentioned, the third member o the pantheon o ood that comprises the pehlwan`s dietary
abomination is almonds, which they beliee improe their stamina and speed. Almonds are crazy
expensie, howeer, so chickpeas are oten consumed as a substitute. 1he almonds get mashed
into a paste and then added to milk or ghee, whereas the chickpeas are let to sprout in water, then
seasoned with salt, pepper, and lemon. 1he water used in the sprouting process is then drunk to
increase the pehwan`s strength, apparently utilizing some metabolic pathway o which I am wholly
unaware. 1hey appear to eat the uck out o chickpeas, howeer, as they`re the cheapest protein
source aailable to the aerage Indian.
Beyond the aorementioned, pehlwans eat a ariety o oods, ranging rom in season ruits to green
eggies to grains to meat. All o those, howeer, are simply considered supplements to the aore-
mentioned 4 oods. 1here`s actually more to the Indian dietary craziness, but it`s too weird and too
complex to go into right now- as a preiew, it inoles trying not to cum or as long as possible.
I you cannot Fgure out what that has to do with eating, we`re in the same boat, but I`ll make an
attempt to explain it going orward.
H,7 c)6 P()5a
not all Indians are lindu. A mere 8 o 10 Indians are lindu. My ailure to mention this
makes me a bad person, apparently. Although Indians inented Buddhism, no one in India appears
to gie a shit, since they`re less than a percent o the population. Muslims and Christians make up
the majority o the remainder, and are not egetarian. \ell, not as a general rule. Some o them
might be. \e can only hope they`re not.
it is not nice to make un o ascetics, no matter how much they beg you to with their exis-
tence.
although I mentioned that certain regions o India eat meat, some o you missed that part.
Vegetarianism is widespread in India, especially in major population centers, but is not uniersal.
chickpeas are also called garbanzo beans, and might be magical. 1o get 150g o protein
rom them, you need only eat 10 cups o them, or a bit oer a kilo and a hal o them ,about 3.6
lbs,
although I mentioned it`s diFcult to coer all o India gien it`s wacky diersity, I am a bad
person or ailing to mention eery speciFc subset o Indian culture, am extraordinarily mean, and
might be a communist. Oh, and I know nothing about India.
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F$^ ,- *'.#$*'.,/-0 3(7,4,76'2,.9 () 2)(E$% '( ,--6$0 C#'. 7)$- ,(.$2:
ligence signify? Dene reason. Desire- meaningless. Intellect is not a
/6%$0 D6-.,/$ ,- 7$'70 M$'%8 %$/%,*,('.,)(8 ,(()/$(/$8 -9*<'.#98 E6,2.8
5'-.$8 ;',26%$8 E%,$;8 5$%$ .#,(E-8 $*).,)(-8 .#'. () )($ %$'229 ;$2. '(9:
more. Reection is useless, the world is senseless. Lvil is its only per:
*'($(/$0 _)7 ,- (). '2,4$0 \)4$ /'((). +$ .%6-.$70 F6%;'/$8 -6%;'/$8
-6%;'/$8 5'- '22 .#'. '(9)($ ;)6(7 *$'(,(E ,(m.#,- 5'- /,4,2,]'.,)( '-
I saw it, colossal and jagged.
DIL1ING 1lL CNP \A\: 1be rotvtiov Of M, Diet
Some people think throwing a bunch o diets in a blender is a giant pile o horseshit. I, howeer,
think that most people should keep their ucking teeth together most o the time because they hae
the analytical and general cognitie skills o a low-achieing turnip. A turnip jammed up the ass
o a at, hairy, drunken Moldoan with a penchant or buggary and an unwillingness to wash his
genitals or the last seeral years. A turnip who chose that situation as ideal, because that turnip has
particularly bad decision making abilities, een or a turnip. Iè blogged at length in the past about
the theories o biological indiiduality and metabolic typing, both o which hae played major roles
in my dietary ormulations and experimentation. lor those o you who`d like a primer on them,
here`s a bit o a rundown:

n@,)/#$*,/'2 3(7,4,76'2,.9 ,- .#$ .#$)%9 .#'. !I4$%9 ,(7,4,76'2 )%E'(,-* .#'. #'- ' 7,-.,(/.,4$
genetic background has distinctive nutritional needs which must be met for optimal well-being ,\illiams
190,. 1hough the concept o human indiiduality is treated like the kiddie-touching Uncle at a amily reunion in
the modern era o egalitarianism, it`s been noted by anyone with eyes throughout history that humans ary widely
in size, shape, and color, both inside and out. lor instance, Lnglish surgeon and possible scat-obsessed necrophiliac
lrederich 1raes noted that intestinal lengths in human corpses he studied aried between 15 and 31 eet, and that
colons aried in similar ways ,\harton, 184,. In BI, \illiams goes on to note that humans aren`t simply limited to
wide ariations in intestinal length, but that there are dierences in terms o orders o magnitude between the size,
shape, and location o organs throughout the human body, and that these dierences account or massie discrep-
ancies between the unction o each person`s indiidual biological systems.
n=$.'+)2,/ "9<,(E `.#$ *)7$%( 4$%-,)(R ,- .#$ +%',(/#,27 ); C,22,'* C)2/).. '(7 7$%,4$- ,.- +'-,-
;%)* .#$ ';)%$*$(.,)($7 +,)/#$*,/'2 ,(7,4,76'2,.98 ,( '77,.,)( .) ' 2'(7-2,7$ ); #,-.)%,/'2 <%$/$7$(.0 It
states that there are three primary human genotypes in terms o dietary necessity- Protein, Mixed, and Carbohy-
drate. Lssentially, the theory is that once you determine which o the three types you are and eat accordingly, you`ll
achiee optimal health.
1hese two theories hae played massie roles in my personal dietary deelopment, and hae thus
guided my research into arious dietary regimes. Gien that Iè a penchant or inestigating a mas-
sie array o esoterica, Iè managed to combine those theories with a bunch o others to come
up with my own personal system. Iè ound, howeer, that een within an indiidual, you`ll hae
signiFcant ariation in what will work oer time, which I attribute to aging, diering workloads and
types ,both in the workplace and the gym,, stress, hormonal nuctuations, and probably the position
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o stellar bodies. As such, Iè ound the need to constantly reinent mysel rom a dietary per-
spectie.
Larlier this year, I realized that my preious diet that consisted o naught but chicken wings was 1,
ailing me in terms o at loss and 2, boring as all hell. laing utilized bee ribs in their stead quite
a bit while dieting or my last meet, I decided to incorporate them into my newest dietary plan. In
an eort to drop weight quickly, I decided to gie the original Velocity Diet ,http:,,www.t-nation.
com,reeonlinearticle,sportsbodytrainingperormance,thenewdiettestdrie, a shot. I
nothing else, I Fgured that it would be ar cheaper than my typical meal plan, and couldn`t possibly
ail to take some o my unwanted adipose tissue o o my midsection in particular. \hat I ound,
howeer, was that I was so hungry during my lits that I was distracted, and literally ound mysel
antasizing about eating. 1hus, I set about to Fnd something that might work better or a guy who
trains between 6 and 12 times a week, rather than the 5 weak-sauce workouts recommended by the
1-Nation Sta. |Lditor`s note: Iè since discoered that there`s a VD 3.0, which is not a protein
sparing modiFed ast like the preious incarnations.|
\hat I came up with eentually morphed into my Apex Predator Diet:
Saturday, Monday, 1uesday, and 1hursday
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day ,and one oernight, which I`d leae on the toilet and chug while
peeing,. I usually had Monster Milk in the morning, and ollowed that with Muscle Inusion throughout the day. I
I did a morning workout, it was a short workout ,20 mins, usually consisting o one arm deadlits, and I usually did
not hae a pre-workout shake. On two o these our days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or
other no-carb meat.
2-4 lbs o bee ribs with a dry rub post workout.
\ednesday
1his was the day on which the epic teleision show Deadliest \arrior aired ,and now that the show
is tragically canceled, Call o Duty night,, so I`d go to a buddy`s house, grill either bone in Ribeye or
1-bones, and eat .5 to 1 lbs o those instead o the ribs.
lriday
1his was cheat meal day, so I`d usually make 1 lb o 94 lean ground bee as taco meat, and eat it
on low-carb tortillas or two meals. My post-workout meal was usually some kind o sugary pro-
tein bar like a Met-Rx Big 100, and I`d usually hae either another protein bar or a shake as a 4th
meal. My 5th meal was my cheat meal, the constitution o which are listed in the Cheating section
o this book, and I generally aoided sugary oods.
Sunday
1his would be one o my typical keto days, wherein I`d hae the bee ribs at night, and would usu-
ally hae 10 looters` Spicy Garlic \ings or lunch. Dinners were either ribs or more wings, and
I`d make up the balance with shakes.
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\here did this diet get me I`m noating between 195 and 200 lbs, lean, and stronger than Iè eer
been. As I progressed oer the next year, I gradually began to maintain lower and lower bodyat
with less and less eort, as my bodyat setpoint shirted and constant tweaking kept me leaner, big-
ger, and stronger.
1lL LVOLU1ION Ol M\ DIL1 2: 1be Diet Covetb
One o the writers currently in ogue in the popular media is Michael Pollan, author o 1be Ovvi
rore`. Ditevva, v Defev.e of ooa, and ooa Rvte.. 1he Frst two books are actually airly good reads,
although I don`t agree with all o Pollan`s opinions, and the last is essentially a Cli `s Notes ersion
o the Frst two. In essence, Pollan wants the \estern world to abandon the processed oods diet
that weè recently embraced and return to a more natural ,paleo-esque, diet. 1hat`s deFnitely a
concept with which I can get, but his execution and my own ary quite a bit. In stark contrast to
my personal opinion about the true nature o the original human diet, Pollan takes the paciFstic,
letist,liberal,weaksauce point o iew that humans are best sered by ollowing a near egetari-
an diet. 1his is o course the opinion du jour o most o the ringe elements with whom I share
a marked dislike o the Lstablishment, but we deFnitely hae oppositional iews to ood. As
Iè posted preiously, primitie humans were the ultimate predators, hunting a massie array o
pants-shittingly icious and humongous beasts to extinction with little more than brawny physiques
and sharp sticks.
1hough the old adage is that lorm lollows lunction`, I Fnd that in lie most things are circular,
and in that ery same way I think that dieting and exercise adhere to that circularity. 1hus, you
need to eat to look the way you want to perorm, which in turn deepens the necessity or that ood
and training. As such, when I drastically alter my training or my diet in any way, I Fnd that my ap-
pearance an perormance suer.
In spite o this act, it`s a colossal pain in the ass to train and eat the way I do when I`m being
extra-serious about strength. 1hough many ,generally at and weak, people will contradict this
statement, I Fnd that I am typically weaker when I`m atter, and grow stronger as I lean out. 1his
is perhaps a result o the act that I`m much more assiduous about my diet when training hard, and
ice-ersa, but that again returns to what I consider the circular nature o eerything in lie. 1hus,
it`s occurred to me that though Michael Pollan might be right about ditching the modern diet o
processed ood, he`s ucking up by eating like a goddamned bunny. I don`t want to look and act
like a like a bunny. I want to look and act like the humans o yore- a muscle-bound predator that
strikes ear into the hearts and minds o eeryone and eerything around me.
As such, Iè ound that I hae need o a diet that will simultaneously lean me out while proiding
me with the necessary energy to train extremely heaily and requently. 1his is by all accounts a tall
order, and to most people is well-neigh impossible. Conentional wisdom can go uck itsel, how-
eer. Gien that hal o Americans thought the US goes too ar` in granting rights with the lirst
Amendment, I`m inclined to do the opposite o what eeryone thinks ,Paulson,. 1hat`s what I
decided to do with this diet, as I think it`s total horseshit that one couldn`t Fnd a way to gain muscle
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and lose at i they`re re willing to break their ass, do a bit o research, and diet like a crazy person.
Luckily, I`m crazy as a shithouse rat and hae a hell o a lot o time on my hands. 1he ollowing is
the produce o my lack o a social lie and insanity.
Obiously, at the ery root o my diet is Paleolithic nutrition. As I mentioned beore, the people
o the Paleolithic era deFnitely seemed to know what was up. 1hey were considerably larger, had
greater cranial capacities and more muscle than the modern human, and produced impressie archi-
tecture without the aid o modern machinery ,\iki, lirst,. As such, it would stand to reason that
an eort to emulate those apex predators that our orebears were would be to eat like them. 1here
appears to be a bit o conusion about what exactly constitutes paleo howeer, and aries widely
according to which author you read.
H,7 9)6 P()5a Cities like Gobekli 1epe and atalhoyk. 1he latter was a 10,000 year old
city that was home to as many people as lied in London in the early middle ages, but with
what appears to be a much higher standard o liing, and in which there is no eidence o
the consumption o grains until the end o its 2000 year existence. 1he ormer, along with
Neali Cori, is oer 11,000 years old and is one o the oldest man-made structures on Larth.
lor those eminists out there, all o these cultures appeared to worship the Mother Goddess,
and all show signs o haing been egalitarian societies without gender or class dierentiation.
On the one side there are the hard-liners like Ray Audette, who adocate eating nothing but lean
meats, egetables, northern ruits, and nuts, and eschewing all else. On the other side o the spec-
trum, youè got authors like S. Boyd Laton, who basically adocated the Mediterranean Diet in
1988 with his Paleolithic Prescription. In the middle you`d got the keto-paleo guys like Robb \ol,
Mark Sisson, and Art DeVany, and headed in the direction o Laton youè got probably the most
recognized paleo author, and the one with ,in my opinion, the most polished academic credentials,
Loren Cordain.
Behind all o the apparent conusion behind the nature o the paleolithic diet are two major is-
sues: money and geography. Cordain`s academic work explains the latter airly simply: the propor-
tions o plant and animal ood in hunter gatherer diets range rom a low o 26 protein and 4
plant among the Gwi o Arica to a high o 99 animal , 1 plant with the Nunamiut o Alaska.
Light out o the thirteen cultures he outlined ate 68 o their calories as meat, while another 3 ate
41-48 meat and 2 ate less than 41 meat ,Ungar 368,. 1hrow on top o that the act that our
knowledge about the oods ate in the paleolithic change rather requently, and you get a geographic
and temporal gradient and sundry disparities in the makeup o the diet`. As such, it`s diFcult to
claim one uniersal paleo` diet. 1hat`s where the second issue comes in- money. Because one can
semi-rightly claim that any nonsense that happens to issue orth rom their money-dirtied Fngers
is ostensibly paleo, all o the aorementioned authors probably ,and in Cordain`s case, deFnitely,
made concessions to what they likely considered their target audiences. As such, \ol went with
paleo or the meatheads and Laton went carb-crazy or the chubby housewies. lor them, it was
win-win, but or anyone trying to make sense o their lunacy, it`s a bitch.
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As you can see throughout the book, Iè long been a an o ketogenic diets. 1hough Iè credited
oa,ov. with giing me the kick in the ass I needed to start the diet, it was actually the act that I
was sick to ucking death o dieting on chicken breasts and turkey lunchmeat and awoke craing
the uck out o breakast sausage one winter day around 199- that`s actually what got me to start
my experiment. Iè had generally positie but mixed success with them oer the years, and ound
that my preious extreme at loss on a high calorie ketogenic diet was not easily replicated when
sitting behind a desk at work. As such, I did a bit o research. I realized that while the calorie-es-
tial style keto approach I had taken in the past worked while I was more actie ,as were people in
the paleolithic era,, it was not sering me well while I spent the ast majority o my waking hours
chained to a desk, writing scripts in SQL and trying to explain Fnancial accounting sotware to
people who should already know what they`re ucking doing, since that`s their industry. lrom this,
I discoered that impotent rage is neither anabolic nor metabolically stimulating, and came to the
conclusion that I was going to hae to rethink my return to awesome.
In my musings, I mulled the concept that people hae not been historically capable o Fnding and
eating protein in regularly-spaced interals throughout the day. 1his brought me to the concept
o asting, which is currently popular in LeanGains and ormerly popular in the \arrior Diet. It
occurred to me that something like the \arrior Diet might be the ticket to at loss, proided I
combined it with a ketogenic eening splurge rather than Ori`s grain-Flled bonanza, gien my nat-
ural predisposition towards keto dieting. In the \D, one is generally suppose to eat ery little or
nothing throughout the day, which ostensibly simulates the body`s Fght or night response. \hile
I ound that to be a airly interesting concept, I was unprepared to go all in with that sort o cra-
ziness without a bit o trial run. My trial run, I decided, would be the Velocity Diet, one o the
major 1-Nation products.
1his trial lasted precisely three days, in which I came to but one conclusion:
W). $'.,(E MNOP3W_ FNOPF0
LVOLU1ION Ol M\ DIL1 3: 1be irtb Of 1be .e Preaator Diet
In the last installment, I explained that the basis o my dietary regime is the paleolithic diet, but that
Iè added a considerable amount in the way o tweaks to it in order to optimize my perormance
in the gym. By tweaks, I mean tweaks in the same way a Japanese tuner enthusiast tweaks` a pick-
up truck to make it appear as though it`s a dragon- I took a giant, steaming shit in its mouth, threw
hal o it oerboard, and started wildly looking about or anything close at hand to make it appear
exactly as it shouldn`t.
My problem, you see, with the paleo approach was that I was eating way too ucking much ood.
I`d been able to get away with this in the past, but time ucks up just about eeryone, and my
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desk-jockey job and middle age conspired to uck me in the ass. 1hus, I began tinkering with my
macronutrients to see what, i any, interesting results I could derie. 1he only way I could do this,
howeer, and remain true to my Robb \ol-esque ketoish pale diet was to either start eating a shit-
load o bee jerky, which would hae been as delicious as it was economically uneasible, or start
replacing more meals with shakes. 1hat`s exactly what I decided to do, innuenced heaily by 1-Na-
tion`s original Velocity Diet.
lor those o you who are unaware, the Velocity Diet is a 1-Nation product used to sell their Meta-
bolic Drie protein powder, a powder priced so insanely that one would think that it was created by
a team o Russian alchemists using naught but powdered diamonds and desiccated unicorn cock.
As I, unlike many 1-Nation readers, was cognizant o the act that Biotest`s products dier rom
others on the market only in their method and erocity o wallet-raping, I decided to go with prod-
ucts that weren`t priced by Bernie Mado `s eil uncle-in-law- Monster Milk and Muscle Inusion.
I chose the ormer or the act that it tastes amazing, has an impressie blend o proteins that is
heay on the slow-released ones, and because it`s got creatine included. 1he latter was chosen on a
combination o price point and protein blend, in addition to the act that it was low carb. Lssen-
tially, I wanted to maximize my protein intake while minimizing my caloric intake, in the spirit o
the Velocity Diet. lor those o you who are unaware, the V-Diet 1.0 consists o 5 protein shakes
a day supplemented with LlAs, Fber, and a multiitamin. Once a week, you`re allowed one real
ood, but non-cheat meal. It`s hardly rocket science, though they would hae you beliee otherwise.
Additionally, they claim that it`s not a protein sparing modiFed ast ,though without a shred o log-
ic to support that claim, due to the act that you`d not be in ketosis ,though I think this is a recent
addition, as their P\O product Surge didn`t exist when I read that article years ago,.
As some background, the Protein Sparing ModiFed last is a concept that arose in the 190s as a
way to get Precious-type atties back to human weight in a hurry. 1hey were characterized by being
high in protein ,at least in comparison with typical diets,, and low in both carbohydrates and ats.
As such, they were intended to presere what little muscle that land beast had while stripping away
the blubber to let their human side show. \ou can`t make an omelet without breaking a ew eggs,
howeer, and some o those non-humans perished in their quest to lose weight due to the act that
the researchers conducting the studies apparently knew ery little about nutrition. 1he doctor in
charge o the diet had his collection o arting, wheezing, pre-Klumps drinking a concoction o
his own inention called Prolinn, which was a liquid protein that proided ewer than 400 calories
a day, consisted o ground-up and crushed animal horns, hooes, hides, tendons, bones and oth-
er slaughterhouse byproducts that were treated with artiFcial naors, colors and enzymes to break
them down.`,Diets, lrom this, we learned that a lack o protein can cause cardiac heart loss and
a lack o minerals can cause arrhythmias, which led later experimenters to choose a more suitable
protein source and supplement with itamins and minerals ,MacDonald,. 1hus, diets like the Du-
kan Diet were born, which promotes this as the Attack phase, in addition to the Frst two iterations
o the Velocity Diet and Lyle Macdonald`s Raia at o.. avaboo/ diet.
According to Macdonald, the PSMl was the outgrowth o the use o staration diets to aid in at
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loss. 1hough they did result in considerable at loss, staration diets had the unhappy side eect o
rapid muscle loss, which is o course not the goal o any strength athlete. As such, it`s necessary to
abate that side eect with regular inusions o protein, which is what PSMl diets aim to achiee-
it spares muscular bodyweight rom conersion into glucose by proiding the body with a source
o protein rom which it may do so, while at the same time maintaining ketosis. lor this reason,
it would seem to go nicely with the diet I`d already had in place, perhaps ,as I enisioned it, in a
caloric cycling scheme, as I couldn`t imagine training the way I do on that sort o a diet. I did, or
a period o a ew days, attempt the Velocity Diet. It ucking sucked. I was so distracted during my
workouts rom hunger that I cut them short. No amount o ephedrine and caeine would push
me through a ninety minute workout o singles and doubles in behind the neck push press without
graely endangering my lie. As such, I deemed the Velocity Diet unsuitable or my goals.
But, you might be thinking, what about losing all o your at` It`s simple- I was neer a giant
atass. Although I let my body at creep up to uncomortable ,or me leels in the 12-15 range
are about as at as I`d eer get without being in a coma, leels, I didn`t see any reason to sacriFce
muscle or at loss. 1hough the title o the diet is protein sparing`, that`s not to say that such a
diet would presere mass on a 6-10 workout a week program, especially with the weights I han-
dle. Additionally, I saw no reason to lose the weight quickly i I could take it o oer time and get
stronger. As such, I needed to Fnd a way to keep my saturated at intake high or optimal hormone
leels while accelerating my metabolism with dietary trickery. In essence, I would hae to become
the Loki o diet and exercise.
low to become a mythical god o shenanigans I explained that I ound parts o the !arrior Diet
to be intriguing, as it`s an intermittent ast made popular by the rather conincing Ori lomekler.
lomekler based his diet on that o the soldiers o the Roman Lmpire, who ate sparingly through-
out the day and easted at night. 1hat seemed reasonable to me, and eminently doable, though
I was concerned about catabolism during the day. 1his is where the Velocity Diet,PSMl came
in- proided I kept my calories low throughout the day and simply utilized shakes to oset any
catabolism I might encounter rom two-a-day workouts, I might be able to combine the at-burning
eects o the undereating phase with the anabolic eects o the oereating phase to achiee both
goals simultaneously. As such, this is similar to what Martin Berkhan espouses, howeer without
the actual staration and potential catabolism. Berkhan himsel admits there`s no clinical eidence
to support the theory that catabolism is arrested in Il with heay weight training, and as Iè no in-
terest in conducting that research with my hard-ought muscle and PRs, so I Fgure there`s no harm
in hedging like a motherucker and chugging some protein shakes.
1hus, we come back to paleolithic eating and to the meal itsel. It was, almost to a day, the exact
same thing- bee ribs. 1he reasoning behind the ribs was initially a reolt by my taste buds against
chicken wings, o which Iè grown sick ater a couple o years o occasional reliance. I ound that
bee ribs had a similar macronutrient ratio to the wings, tasted amazing, were high calorie, and had
one more thing in common with the meat I`d cast aside- bee ribs are meat on the bone. 1hough
most people would posit that this is a ridiculous reason to choose a ood, I hae always ound meat
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on a bone to be ar more satisying than other cuts. 1here`s something isceral and animalistic
about tearing the nesh o an animal rom its bones, and although I possess no scholarly eidence
to proe it, I`m coninced that this animalistic act has a signiFcant eect on one`s psyche and hor-
monal proFle. In essence, i one wishes to be the apex predator o our orebears, one must eat like
that predator, and rip the nesh o their ictims rom their bones with their teeth. It`s or this rea-
son I started reerring to my diet as the Apex Predator Diet, discoering later that another author
had a ery similar idea himsel.
M\ lAVORI1L lOODS AND DIL1S: Ovt, becav.e Yov Coofbatt. Reqve.tea 1bi.
Ater this one, I`m taking a break rom these inane blogs. 1his question is nearly as ridiculous as
addressing why I wear Nike lrees, but I`m going to blog it simply to jump on my soapbox. My
diet is not magical- it works or me because Iè determined, through a shitload o trial and error,
what works or me, and because it suits my personal taste. As such, I`ll address diet oods that hae
worked or me in the past, and why, and shit that I eat when I`m haing semi-ree days with my
cheat windows. I you ollow my diet, you will likely ail miserably, or a ariety o reasons. 1his is
why I Fnd this particular entry to be the height o absurdity.
CJc CXWB" =c H3I" CXKP MXK cXNa
Iè been dieting, airly strictly, or the better part o a decade. My body is trained to aoid lipo-
genesis and to remain in a state o lipolysis. 1his aords me the ability to tinker with my diet, and
get away with ar more metabolic trickery and dietary indiscretions than most, i not all o you.
1here`s a guy in particular who will remain nameless but who`s been emailing me or a couple o
years who`s neer really changed in his appearance or strength leels, in spite o constantly mining
me or training and diet adice. le does this with at least one other prominent strength athlete o
whom I know, and likely more. \hy, then, does he ail Likely because he`s not stuck to any o the
adice weè gien him, and gies up long beore he should on any gien program or diet. As such,
his body neer adjusts, he doesn`t lower his body at set point, and none o his metabolism changes
signiFcantly enough to hae lasting eects.
1. I know how to manipulate my body due to the act that Iè read oraciously on the subject, and train hard
enough to oercome any dietary missteps.
2. I understand my metabolic type, and utilize it to my adantage.
3. \ou likely do not share my taste or spicy oods, which raise your metabolism signiFcantly. Iè said beore
that bland ood makes a bland person, but it also makes a at person.
FJ3" XW CJ3OJ 3 H3I" XK J1bI H3I"IH
F.$'*$7 O#,/?$( '(7 @%)//)2,- My Frst staple diet ood was the traditional steamed chicken
,10oz, and broccoli ,2 cups, with white rice ,1.5-2 cups, cooked, bodybuilder diet. I drenched
the entire thing in shitloads o 1hai Sriracha sauce, and ate it three or our times a day, along with
three or more whey protein shakes. 1his took me rom 140 to 160-165 lbs between 199 and 2000,
during which time I maintained a basically steady body at set point that I`d estimate to be around
10 body at. 1hat`s the attest Iè been in my adult lie, haing gone rom collegiate wrestling
right into that bodybuilding diet. I I still lied in 1ucson, I`d likely still be eating at Oriental Lx-
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press on Uniersity Ae., where I ate that meal thrice daily, because that place ruled and that meal
was delicious. \eah, I`m plugging that place, because the owners 1hui and An are awesome, and
I ate there so oten they had me oer to their house a couple o times or barbecues. Lat there i
you get the chance, and tell them I said hi.` 1he result o this diet was that I gained a shitload o
muscle oer the 5 years or so when I ate there regularly, though I didn`t lose much, i any, at. lad
I not eaten the rice, I would hae been gold, but that shit tastes amazing with the Sriracha on it, so
it was hard to pass up.
No, I`m not oiled up- that`s sweat. China was ucking hot. Me in 1998.
O#,/?$( F)6<- \hile in Vienna, I saw the Frst eins pop out on my abs eating irtually noth-
ing but chicken soup and chicken kebaps. I`d make 2.5 lbs o chicken breasts in broth with mixed
eggies, typically broccoli, caulinower, and carrots, eery day. I added a ton o minced garlic and
cayenne to this, and my roommates ucking hated me or it, because the apartment always smelled
like my soup. I didn`t care, because I ucking looked amazing.
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Climbing in Vienna, 10ish and lean.
O#,2,- lor about a year ater returning rom Vienna, I tried to make chili into the ultimate super-
ood. I experimented with adding and subtracting eerything rom bean mixes to cucumber to
organ meats, and eerything in between. I had airly good results with this, but didn`t get quite as
lean as I`d hae liked. I blame the beans, though that`s probably not the real reason. As you can see
in the stew-roids series, Iè changed my tune on stews and chili considerably, and I realize now that
it was not the beans that kept me rom being as lean as I`d like- it was my liting olume and inten-
sity that ailed me.
Not quite as lean as I mightè liked, obiously. At least this isn`t nexed, though, howeer.
"6%?$9 =$'.+'22-- I got insanely lean or the Frst time eating turkey meatballs around the clock.
1he type I was eating is only aailable in the northeast at Acme, or some reason, and Iè orgot-
ten the manuacturer, but they were ultra-lean, contained a shitload o ennel, which I loe, and low
carb. 1hey were incredibly good, and I`m airly bitter I can`t get them down here. 1rader Joe`s also
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has some damn good turkey meatballs, and it was making these things a staple o my diet that Frst
brought our eins on my abs at a bodyweight o just oer 15.
At the time I was also dating one o the ew girls who would cook or me, and she oerawe me
with awesome by requently baking a casserole o sorts consisting o low carb tomato sauce, piles
o turkey meatballs, scads o turkey pepperoni, a metric uckton o crushed red pepper, and a
liberal dusting o Parmesan. She would then box up indiidual serings that contained roughly
60g o protein in each 1upperware and send me home with a ew o those eery week. As such, I
suppose I can credit her in large part with the Frst appearance o abdominal ascularity, though I`m
sure she`d sooner burn my house down than hear my name spoken aloud in public. 1hus, i you
eer happen to be in the surrounding area o \est Chester Uniersity, you might want to rerain
rom saying my name too loudly i you don`t wish to end up with a knie in your neck.
My Jon Pall Sigmasson imitation and the Frst time I had eins on my abs.
O#,/?$( 5,(E-- Iè already coered these in a preious blog.
YTif \$'( E%)6(7 +$$; '(7 2)5 /'%+ <,]]'-- 1hese were mainstays o my diet or quite some
time beore I went whole hog with the Apex Predator diet, and they kept me lean and strong with-
out staring me hal to death. 1hough they didn`t end up bringing me the results the Apex Preda-
tor Diet did, they deFnitely did work well enough to keep me looking much more like a bodybuild-
er than a powerliter.

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n1he pizzas. I make them using Mission Carb Balance 1ortillas, a low carb pizza sauce, Krat lat-ree
mozzarella, and Publix lot Italian Chicken sausage, as well as a shitload o garlic powder, black pepper, red pepper,
garlic, and italian seasoning. No, I don`t put eggies on my pizza, because I don`t like them- and beore you ask,
there`s no oerriding nutritional reason. On the days I ate these, I would typically eat three o them, along with two
Ultramet shakes and two whey protein shakes ,one o which I drink while pissing in the middle o the night. 1hat
gies me a macro proFle o:
48.5g at, 209g carbs ,110g adjusted net impact carbs,, 9g Fber, 31.5g protein, 262.5 calories
1he other days, I would generally eat between 2 and 4 lbs o ground bee, either in burger patties
with brown gray and peppercorns or chopped Fnely with taco seasoning, giing me somewhere
between 2g at and 184g protein, and 144g at and 368g protein beore any shakes. lrankly, I
drain the shit out o the at in my bee, so I think it comes out considerably under that number, but
Iè got no hard numbers other than the ones Iè proided.
Me in 2009.
"#$ 1<$^ >%$7'.)% H,$.- 1his is the diet Iè ollowed almost without a break or the last three
or our years. It`s the diet with which I set my world record in powerliting, with which I get to my
heaiest and my biggest, and is generally what I consider to be the closest thing to dietary sorcery
eer. See the Apex Predator Diet section o the book or more details.
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1he lighting`s shit and I still look badass, September 2013.
CJ1" 3 I1" XMM H3I"
Generally, I keep it pretty low at and moderate carbs, eating a lot o grilled chicken sandwiches
and the like. I I`m complety o my diet, my only real oeraching concern is getting 50 grams o
protein eery time I sit down at the dinner table or a meal,
1his isn`t ucking brain surgery, people- it`s trial and error and understanding your body, and the
cessation o any belie that ollowing anyone else`s diet exactly will gie you the same results it gae
them. It won`t. lrankly, I eat ood so spicy it would likely kill the ucking lot o you, so I`m not
posting any recipes, as I don`t want your amilies suing me because you lack the intestinal ortitude
to emulate my diet precisely.
1lL APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1, IN lULL AND GLORIOUS DL1AIL
In the eent that you`re not one o the readers hanging on my eery word or who is new to the blog, this spino
originally started with the Lolution O My Diet series, which appears earlier in this publication. In it, I outlined
the diet I`m currently ollowing, which Iè called the Apex Predator Diet due to the act that it consists o lit-
tle more than that which an apex predator would eat, supplemented with protein shakes because I`m much more
inclined to hedge my bets with a protein sparing modiFed ast than place my aith in the clinically unsupported yet
theoretically sound Intermittent lasting approach. 1he ollowing entries will expand upon what Iè preiously
explained, gie greater detail or why this diet kicks more ass than AIDS in Sub-Saharan Arica.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
1( X4$%4,$5 ); .#$ 1<$^ >%$7'.)% H,$.
1he Apex Predator Diet is, at its core, a cyclical ketogenic diet, not unlike those Iè outlined and
discussed in the past. \ith this diet, you`ll be keto-dieting on 30 grams o carbohydrates or less
per day or 5-6 days a week ,or more, depending on your body at leels,. During the non-carb
days, you`ll be consuming 1-2 meals o atty, preerably bone-in meat per day, supplemented by 5-
low carbohydrate protein shakes. 1he other day or two are reerred to as rampage` days, during
which time you`ll replenish your glycogen stores and satisy your desire to wreck pizza and cookies.
1his diet really came about or one reason- I ound protein-sparing modiFed asts like the Veloci-
ty Diet gae me just enough energy to put in a workout that would embarrass an undergraduate girl
trying to drop her reshman 15 beore going to beach week. I was truncating my workouts horribly
and thinking about nothing more than ucking killing mysel out o shame. 1hus, I did some re-
search and discoered those diets are really only suited to the morbidly obese and people who suck
at liting weights, rather than people trying to be so superhuman they make Superman seem like a
shitless, limp-wristed, weak sauce layabout by comparison. As such, I experimented with a ariety
o eening meals and Fnally settled upon bee ribs and bone-in steaks, which are eminently satisy-
ing, calorie-dense, and restoratie in ways you cannot possibly imagine.
1his diet, though similar to many youè likely seen, is astly superior ,i you`re training hard 4-
times a week, to existing rameworks or a couple o reasons.
My macronutrient percentages are dierent. Conentional wisdom on CKDs is that 65-5 o your cal-
ories should come rom at. luck all that. According to my biggest an on Larth, Lyle McDonald, when subjects
are told to limit carbohydrate intake but to consume unlimited` quantities o protein and at, they automatically
limit caloric intake and consume between 1400 and 2100 calories.`,Ketogenic Diet 101,. I don`t gie a uck who
you are, that is not going to support heay training. Not only is that a caloric intake suitable only to the Olson twins
and 19th Century hunger artists, but also at the macros suggested by the gurus, you`re not getting nearly enough
protein, either.
2100-140~630,4~15.5 grams o protein.
My protein shakes hae more calories in them than that, and I een mix them in water. 1his Apex Predator
Diet is much higher in calories ,3000-,, and on most days, 50-60 o your calories will come rom protein and the
remainder rom at.
I cycle calories. lor those o you who are not already incredibly lean, calorie cycling kicks in to keep your
metabolism humming. Iè not seen another CKD or 1KD diet that tinkers with calories in this way to accelerate
at loss.
It`s easy. One o the things I see people constantly blabbering on about with the Il diet is how easy it is to
not eat or hal the day. I guarantee you it takes no more time to make a shake than it does to make a cup o coee,
and those uckers must be chugging coee i they`re not eating. As such, their argument`s as stupid as the Predator
Diet is anabolic.
It`s anabolic. 1hough you`re operating in a caloric deFcit or the majority o the day, you`re getting a con-
stant innux o protein to stae o muscle catabolism, and the high at meats at the end o the day proide satu-
rated at and cholesterol, both o which boost testosterone leels, which in turn increase aggression, which in turn
makes you tear shit up in the gym, making your system een more anabolic. Basically, you become a perpetual-mo-
tion machine o badassery.
\ou`re not insane with hunger at all times. \hen hungry, people tend to consere energy rather than
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expend it.`,Russell 148, 1hat`s deFnitiely not a good thing i you`re training hard, especially i you`re dieting or a
competition and,or training twice a day. I used this diet to cut or a couple o meets and ended up on the under-
side o body at, making my water cut easier, increasing my strength to weight ratio, and allowing me to look
ucking amazing while liting big weights ,and break a world record,.
\ou hae planned, insane, gluttonous cheat meals. 1hese sere a ariety o purposes, and they match the
occasional gorge o a predator nicely.
Because I realize experimentation is scary, and Iè already done plenty o experimenting, Iè got
our basic permutations o this diet- lat luck, Not 1oo lucking lat, But Not 1oo lucking Lean,
Lean As Shit, and \hiny Bitch. 1he Frst three are airly sel- explanatory, and will be broken out
by body at percentage. 1he last is because I get a lot o emails rom people whining about pre-
and post-workout carbs. 1hey`re o the opinion that those carbs are indispensable, though I would
dispute that opinion. lor those ladies out there who absolutely must hae your carbs or you will
turn into a raging ball o hormone-ueled ury, laying waste to eerything in your path as you make
or the counter at Auntie Annie`s in the mall, this should suit your purposes nicely as well.
O)*<)($(.- ); .#$ 1<$^ >%$7'.)% H,$.
Beore we get into the Fner points o the diet, let`s coer a couple o basics- ood and supple-
ment choices. 1he reason why Iè christened this diet the Apex Predator Diet is due to the awe-
some ood choices you`ll be making. Nowhere will you Fnd bland, tasteless, rubbery bullshit like
chicken breasts and steamed broccoli. On this diet, you won`t een need utensils, most o the
time, because your ood should come with a built-in handle- bone. Bone is an integral part o
meat, and ripping an animal`s nesh o its bones with your teeth is a primal, isceral, ethereal act
that stands in stark deFance to modern lie and hearkens to a time when men were both men and
women appreciated real men, in addition to being tougher than most o the men` you see wad-
dling their sloppy asses around the mall these days. As such, it would stand to reason that i we
want to regain that ormer glory, strength, and aggressie awesomeness we had in times past, we
should eat like our orbearers.
lor those o you who are staring, incredulous, at that statement, consider the ollowing:
1he connection between nesh and bone is primordial and undamental. \et today, bones hae allen out o aor.
\e are all amiliar with the expression, 1he nearer the bone the sweeter the meat,` but we demand eerything
precut and prepackaged, and that is, increasingly, all we can buy. Our world is ull o recipes or boneless, skinless
,and oten tasteless pieces o meat, chicken, and Fsh, and we can scarcely recognize whole Fsh or birds. \e hae
become so obsessed with ease o preparation and speed that we hae lost touch with the isceral appeal o cooking
with- and eating- bones` ,McLagan 20,.
1here is a uniersal understanding that bones and meat are inseparable. \iddish: Bones without meat are pos-
sible, meat without bones is not possible. lebrew: 1here is no such thing as boneless meat. Greek: Meat is sold
with bones. Norwegian: le who buys the meat has to take the bone with it. Lnglish: Bones bring meat to town.
le who eats the meat let him eat the bones. \ou buy the land you buy the stones: you buy the meat you buy the
bones` ,Bones 119,.
1hus, eating boneless meat is not only eete, ridiculous, artiFcial, and oensie to the soul o the
slaughtered animal, but it`s stupid. Bone in meat tastes better and is healthier, as cooking it in that
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ashion enables the bone nutrients to inuse into the meat, imparting wonderul naors` ,Shana-
han, in addition to added nutrients. Ater youè cooked it that way, you eat it with your hands, as
your primal ancestors did, using the bones as the handles or bearing meat to your mouth as they
were ucking intended. Lating becomes more satisying because you`re restoring the tactile sense
in your hands to the process o eating. As such, it becomes a richer, more natural, more intimate
experience and produces greater satiety as a result. As one hippie put it, eating with your hands
gies you a deeper sense o your ood, because you are bringing more sense receptors to the table.
1emperature and texture become more proound when you can eel them on your Fngers Frst, and
the experience o consumption is extended een longer or a more pleasurable process` ,Urban,.
\orried about a mess on your hands Buy some \et \ipes and be glad you hae ewer dishes to
do.
Additionally, you`re going to be consuming a shitload o low-carb, blended source protein shakes,
multiitamins, essential atty acids, and at burners, and will try to mix in some oal i at all pos-
sible. I`ll get into all o that good shit next, howeer, I`m no the biggest an o oal. I generally
just take an Animal Pak.
APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1 Il \OU`RL LLAN AS SlI1
I you`re ollowing the Apex Predator Diet, it`s highly likely that you didn`t start out ridiculously
lean. As such, it`ll take you some time to get to this point- this diet`s not a quick Fx or crash diet,
but rather a way to lean out while getting bigger and stronger all at the same time. By the time you
hit 8 body at, your metabolism should be wearing a PVC outFt and holding a cat o` nine tails
tipped with metal rings, because it`s dominant as hell and has made your body at into its snieling
bitch. \ou should now be at or under 8 body at, so your abs are standing out in stark relie, your
body looks like a Rand McNally map due to your incredible ascularity, and you should be eeling
like you can eat lightning and shit thunder at this point. \ou are, oFcially, awesome, proided
you`re not beret o muscle mass.
Assuming you had to work to get here, you`ll know exactly how your body responds to both diet
and exercise, which aords you a tremendous amount o leeway with your diet. Beore you head
or the all-you-can-eat buet, howeer, bear this in mind- you`ll neer be so awesome that you can
out-train a shitty diet. Iè seen people attempt to do this, and it becomes an ordeal-45- minutes
o cardio a day in addition to normal training, which just slows down the at-iFcation. As such,
sticking to the Apex Predator Diet is a good idea, though you can hae the occasional dalliance.
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As always, I encourage you to explore your inner Nikola 1esla and get as mad scientist as you can
with both diet and training, but just remember that until you stay lean or a considerable period
o time, your body is going to attempt to return to whateer your preious at set point is. 1hus,
i you spent the last 10 years eating butter sandwiches and appeared to be one box o \hoppers
away rom purchasing a rascal to get you hither and thither, take the ollowing with a grain o salt.
,Additionally, i you like \hoppers, you hae no working taste buds, so dieting shouldn`t be all that
diFcult or you anyway.,
Candied gastronomic atrocities aside, the Apex Predator Diet will become or most o you a deli-
cate balancing act, wherein you`re going to try to maximize your caloric intake while remaining su-
per lean. 1hough it`s not as simple as most would like, as nothing is, so get oer it. \ou`ll Fnd that
you`ll naturally cycle your calories, as your ghrelin and leptin production will be optimized at this
point, and your body is going to loudly let you know what it needs when it needs it. \our stomach
will growl its ass o all day i you try a PSMl, and you will be miserable in the gym, so you`ll likely
drop those days. 1hey`ll be replaced by the regular Apex Predator days rom earlier phases o the
diet, wherein you drink shakes until your Fnal eening meal. \hen your metabolism resembles
nothing more than Slayer`s \ar Zone in speed, erocity and oerall sentiment, it`s tough to lie on
protein shakes and nothing more. As such, your weekly diet will start to look much more like this:
MONDA\ - 1lURSDA\, SA1URDA\ AND SUNDA\
5-6 protein shakes eenly spaced throughout the day consisting o 40-60 grams o protein and less than 10
grams o carbs.
1 medium sized meal midday ,I shoot or 600-800 calories in the orm o wings, generally, although I`ll
substitute other meats as well.
1 large eening meal o 2000-4000 calories in the orm o ,preerably bone-in, meat. Let your hunger le-
els dictate the size.
lRIDA\: Rampage Day- 1he details are contained in the upcoming entries.
AL1LRNA1L SA1URDA\
At times, you`re going to Fnd both your enthusiasm and your energy waning or continued keto-
genesis. On those weeks, push hard to make it to lriday with the knowledge that you`re going to
carry your carb up oer into Saturday. As to when you`ll want to do this, it really is entirely up to
you- I would use a combination o the mirror and your general leel o enthusiasm or the gym
as a gauge. I you Fnd yoursel incredibly burned out, a second carb up might be the boost you
need. Make Saturday more o a medium carb, low to moderate at, high protein day than a Ram-
page. It`s important to remember that these carbohydrate reeeds are not super-compensations.
Super-compensations should only be used sparingly, as requent use reduces their eFcacy.,Zatsi-
orsky 13, Additionally, I would not make a habit o utilizing the moderate carb Saturdays requent-
ly, as there`s only a small amount o glycogen synthesis that occurs in the second 24 hours o carb
loading, and there`s the potential to regain some o the at you lost during the week. As such, you
should keep carbohydrate leels at or below 2 grams per pound o bodyweight on Saturdays ,Mc-
Donald 132-3,.
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3.B- ",*$ ") "'?$ 1 b'/'.,)(
Another massie and awesome beneFt o breaking your ass to get this lean is the act that short di-
etary acations don`t do much harm, and in some cases will break you out o a plateau. According
to 1orbjorn Akereldt, our genes hae not eoled much during the last 100,000 years, thus, they
are still deeloped or our hunter,gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, wheneer
they succeeded in killing an animal, lied on meat or a week or two. At other times, when they had
bad luck hunting and a crop ailed, they lied on a low-calorie diet. 1his selectie pressure gae man
adipose tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a ery adaptie metabolism to cope with
periods o dierent diets.`,Phillips, Basically, once you`re lean, i you diet hard and undereat a
bit, you`ll get a consistent carryoer o the rebound you get rom your Rampage Day into multiple
days. I will generally not take this past 5 days or so, but one study showed that a three week period
o oereating resulted in mass gain that was nearly eenly split between at and muscle, and an in-
crease in nitrogen retention that persisted een ater the diet returned to normal ,lorbes, Oddoye,.
1hus, protein retention ater the oereeding was increased, and the body was more anabolic.
Personally, I try not to plan these, but as o late, theyè been the week ater a competition. Ater
dieting and training hard or a ew months beore, with a massie cut as a catalyst, these gorging
weeks act as a nice physical and mental break rom the diet and normal lie. lor those who don`t
compete like me, they are generally the result o a long-weekend acation or something similar.
\ou could try planning them i you wanted, and i you chose to do so, I would suggest they be lim-
ited to 4 or 5 days and occur on non-consecutie months. Additionally, I`d suggest you under eat a
bit in the week beore this extended rampage to accelerate at loss. Proided you jump right back
into the Apex Predator Diet, keep your training up, don`t abuse the acation and aren`t completely
ridiculous about it, you can get away with quite a ew dietary shenanigans.
APLX PRLDA1OR lOR A1lLL1LS, I1ALIANS AND GIRLS ,APD & CARBS,
\hen I Frst posted about my concept or the Apex Predator Diet, I receied a spate o emails ask-
ing me about pre-, peri-, and post-workout carbohydrates. As Iè stated more than once beore, I
think that the current inatuation with those three acets o one`s nutrition are perhaps the most ab-
surdly oerblown distraction rom critical points o training and nutrition one could hae. It`s like
a leper colony appealing to the UN or condoms and zit cream. People obsessed with peri-workout
nutrition come in exactly one orm- people who hae no clue what a real workout is, clad in what-
eer the trendy workout gear o the moment is, making a production o making a shake mid-work-
out and getting in my ucking way when I`m trying to get water in between sets. 1hat`s right- i
you`re ocused with laser-like intensity on your mid-workout nutrition, you`re a bitch. \hen you`re
liting, you should be concerned with weights, not Biotest supplements and waxy maize. 1he only
people who should be concerned with peri-workout carbs are those doing extended sessions-and
we`re talking about hours o something intensie. 1hink Iron Mans or ultra marathons.
As or the pre- and post-workout nutrition guys, they`re certainly a lesser orm o eil, probably
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duped into thinking that shit is o critical importance through the constant barrage o marketing
that perades eery corner o lie. lor eery person who states that pre- and post-workout nutri-
tion is o critical importance i you want to gain mass and strength, Iè got 100 people to name
who did it without either. 1hat`s not to say, howeer, that there`s no beneFt to be gained rom
either, but rather that their combined importance is still ar less than that o the workout itsel.
Gien the act that you`re reading this, it`s highly likely that you know this, so I`ll be happy to impart
a bit o knowledge on the subject o pre- and post- workout carbohydrate meals and their utility in
the Apex Predator Diet.
1hat stated, I`ll address the athletes whoè expressed their concerns about consuming a ketogenic
diet while participating in a sport that inoled more than simply grunting and picking up heay
shit. I personally hae ollowed a ketogenic diet while wrestling ,in college, and ound I had no
problem with energy proided that I kept my calories relatiely high. At that time, I was wrestling
at 134 pounds and my diet consisted, as I recall, o pork sausage patties or breakast and about a
dozen hamburger patties throughout the rest o the day, in addition to the ery occasional protein
shake. At the time, I hadn`t really jumped onto the supplementation bandwagon, so I really didn`t
consume much in the way o supplements outside o my aorite ephedrine-Flled supplements
eer- Metaorm leat and Ultimate Orange. lor those o you too young to know about either o
these supplements, they had so much caeine and ephedrine in them that meth addicts were scared
to take them. Both tasted like ruit naored cat shit, but they got you ucking going. As such, I`ll
reassert my support or the consumption o stimulants, especially or those o you who need extra
energy or running around and the like. Once more, they`re not necessary, but they`re helpul, just
as the inclusion o carbohydrates might be i you`re not as genetically well suited to ketogenic diet-
ing as I am ,or a woman,.
--As Iè said beore, I don`t work with special populations, like emales, but Iè ound that an aug-
mented Apex Predator Diet does work or some emales with success. Iè had my girlriend on a
basic ketogenic diet or almost the past year, and I can say with certainty, it does work. lere`s how
she described what her diet became:
Let`s just say starting with a strict ketogenic diet is kind o miserable. I can say that because I elt like I was dying
when I kept my carbs under 30 grams o carbs ater eating or almost a lietime with airly high carbs. On day one,
I tried to do the whole strict thing that Jamie adises, but I started adding in carbs midday because I elt my energy
leels were so low ,as was my desire to do just about anything, let alone go to the gym,. I was also haing a hard
time eating the amount o atty meat at the end o the night ,as I still do,, so I decided to take APD`s structure and
change the macros. I`ll preace this with saying that it took a airly long time to really lean out, but in the course o
about 10 months, I lost about 20 pounds o at and gained a decent amount o strength. I`ll start o with my stats
as o August 2012:
Back Squat: 185x1
Bench: 85x1
Deadlit: 225x1 ,sumo,
at a body weight o 150LB at 5`2`.
I was an olympic liter or our years prior, so my raw lits were comparatiely low at that point compared to my
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trained lits. I beliee I was snatching 50kg and clean and jerking 65 kg at that point, which isn`t bad but not great.
My diet consisted o crispy apple Met-RX bars, lunchmeat, bee jerky, a shit-ton o eggs, and 90 ground bee
with taco seasoning, coered with low at cheese. 1hat was probably 100 grams o carbs and 100 grams o protein
a day. I was at a caloric deFcit, but because I was pretty chubby, my energy leels were pretty high ,with the help o
a lot o black coee, and the weight started to come o.
1hat honestly took o about 10 pounds by December 2012, and I switched to a stricter keto diet then. I cut out
almost all o the dairy ,with the exception o cream in my coee,, and ate a combination o Quest bars, bualo
wings, and loose nuts, with protein shakes throughout the day. I trained just about 6 times a week, and my strength
leels shot up. As o lebruary 2013:
Back Squat: 250x1
Bench: 135x1
Deadlit: 303x1 ,sumo,
at a body weight o 128LB.
\ith this keto diet though, I did rampage eery lriday and ate until I couldn`t moe. 1hose lriday nights, I typically
had a pint o Ben and Jerry`s, a medium sized pizza, and as much beer that could Fll the space that was let in my
stomach.
But, I had additional carb days typically during the last week o the month ,cough cough,, and my last rampage o
the week was usually something Italian coered with cheese the day beore I was to start shark week. 1hose carbs
days at the end o the week inoled Jimmy Dean`s Breakast Bowls or either lunch or dinner, and that generally
kept me rom killing eeryone in sight.
lrom this, I`d say the takeaway or emales is gradually working in a keto diet because jumping in
headFrst just doesn`t seem to work or our hormonal balances. low quickly you take out more
carbs really depends on your temperament, but really taking your time with it, and Fguring out
exactly what works or your body goes a long way.--
1INKLRING \I1l 1lL APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1
Iè stated time and time again that it`s imperatie that you experiment with anything and eery-
thing you try in order to maximize your personal beneFt. Doing so would generally necessitate a
air amount o research, but gie my penchant or research, Iè tried to do a air amount o the
legwork or you. One concern some people hae had with the Apex Predator Diet is that they ex-
perience a tremendous amount o lethargy a couple o days into the low carbohydrate phase o the
APD. Gien the amazing array o biochemical makeups one could hae, this should come as no
surprise- Iè neer suggested that anything I do is one size Fts all.` In my still unFnished Meta-
bolic 1yping series, I outlined arious metabolic typing methodologies, but the current trend is to
diide people into Protein, Carb, or Mixed types. It`s possible to transition rom one to the other,
according to some authors, so making that attempt might be worthwhile.
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As I mentioned in an Ask 1he Asshole about the diet, Lyle McDonald and Dan Duchaine both
suggested the use o an isocaloric diet i one is shiting rom a traditional high carb, low at diet
into a ketogenic diet. An interesting study by Stephen Phinney examined the initial inestigations
into ketogenic diets or endurance energy, and his study uncoered exactly what Duchaine and
McDonald alluded to- the body oten requires at least a two week acclimation period to wean
athletes o their carbohydrate diet ,Phinney,. 1hus, your carb crash` might be mitigated by the
gradual transition. Something like the Zone Diet might help people who would be considered
Carb-1ypes according to a Metabolic 1yping test transition to a Protein 1ype. A month o Zone
Dieting, howeer, might not be enough to complete the transition, and you might experience the
crash Phinney noted. 1he Inuit, according to Phinney, dealt with energy lags by greatly increasing
their consumption o at and decreasing their protein intake accordingly, while other authors hae
suggested that at could be decreased and carbs could be increased accordingly. 1he key, then, is
to determine what works best or you. 1hat is, o course, the entire purpose o the Apex Predator
Diet- to allow one to shed at while gaining muscle and strength. Luckily or me, I`m well suited to
ketogenic dieting. lor those o you who aren`t, or eel as though you need more quick energy to
acilitate sporting competition or just to uel your workouts, there is hope or you yet.
1 J,-.)%,/'2 1-,7$
Beore you dele into the ollowing bits about the utilization o carbohydrates to spur greater ath-
letic perormance, I`ll go ahead and make a quick aside- a quick study o the entirety o human
history will lead to one ineitable conclusion. lumans do not require carbohydrates to perorm
at a high leel. 1he history o agriculture is essentially the history o human collecties in areas
o high population densities- carbohydrates proide a cheap, easy way to eed a large population
in a small area. Put another way, carbohydrates are the are o plebeians and slaes, as crops were
grown to eed the menial workers cheaply and to keep them alie while they built absurd buildings
like ziggurats and pyramids. As Iè shown beore, humans were larger and more muscular in the
Paleolithic era than the Neolithic, and those peoples credited with being the strongest and most
muscular in recorded history were all nearly entirely carniorous. 1he peoples considered to be the
scourges o Lurope were always nomads, championing animal husbandry and looking down upon
agrarian societies as prey- the luns, Goths, Mongols, Scythians and Sarmatians all ate similar
diets that consisted o little more than meat and milk. O the Goths, 1acitus noted, leasts and
entertainments, which, though inelegant, are plentiully urnished, are their only pay. 1he means
o this bounty come rom war and rapine. Nor are they as easily persuaded to plough the earth
and to wait or the year`s produce as to challenge an enemy and earn the honor o wounds. Nay,
they actually think it tame and stupid to acquire by the sweat o toil what they might win by their
blood`,1acitus,. 1hough the latter two tribes eentually adopted agriculture, their agricultural
products were the are o those who remained behind with the illages, rather than those who rode
into battle. 1he luns and the Mongols took this een urther, eating little more than horse and
game meat, and drank mare`s milk and horse blood to supplement their nutrition. 1his diet hardly
hamstrung them- it enabled them to conquer ast territories while constantly outnumbered, and
ueled legends o their incredible erocity ,1urnbull 30,.
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|L|ooming on horseback 8 eet aboe the ground, screaming maniacally, capable o unleashing
repetitie and deadly Fghts o triple-edged arrows, they must hae seemed the ery embodiment o
horror to those who had to stand and Fght them. Nor were such ears unwarranted, or Scythian
warriors regularly beheaded their enemies and sometimes een skinned them whole. I an enemy
were known personally, his skull might receie a special treatment: sawn through below the eyes, it
would be cleaned and painstakingly ashioned into richly appointed drinking essel. Not surprising-
ly, Scythian ceremonies especially royal unerals, were drenched in blood: sometimes these drinking
essels were Flled with enemy blood, mixed wine and ater arrowheads were dipped into it, the
concoction was imbibed by the Scythian chietain` ,Mann 4,.
Contrast these diets o these lean, mean killing machines with that o the gladiators. Gladiators in
the Roman era were generally capties obtained rom battles with neighboring tribes, all o whom
generally subsisted on meat. As such, they were generally described in accounts by ancient authors
as huge ramed, broad shouldered, muscular, and wild eyed, ,1acitus, Jordanes, 1urnbull, and were
chosen to be warriors or their stature and erocity. Once placed into the arena, howeer, their diet
was changed to a nearly egetarian diet, but not because the gladiators needed the extra energy.
1he egetarian diet had nothing to do with poerty or animal rights. Gladiators, it seems, were
at. Consuming a lot o simple carbohydrates, such as barley, and legumes, like beans, was designed
or surial in the arena. Packing in the carbs also packed on the pounds. Gladiators needed sub-
cutaneous at,` Grossschmidt explains. A at cushion protects you rom cut wounds and shields
neres and blood essels in a Fght.` Not only would a lean gladiator hae been dead meat, he would
hae made or a bad show. Surace wounds look more spectacular,` says Grossschmidt. I I get
wounded but just in the atty layer, I can Fght on,` he adds. It doesn`t hurt much, and it looks
great or the spectators.`` ,Curry,
So, high carbohydrate diets are awesome or getting at, and but are they necessary or maintaining
cardioascular endurance Nope. 1he aorementioned study by Phinney cited two still-unreuted
studies in which endurance athletes were switched to a ketogenic diet. In both studies, their peror-
mance improed considerably ater their acclimatization period. Neither group consumed supple-
mentary calories, but rather increased their at intake to accommodate their increased energy needs.
1hus, you might consider altering your macronutrient proFle simply by adjusting your at intake
prior to attempting the inclusion o carbs. \ere I to do so, I`d consider adding heay cream to my
protein shakes and possibly rubbing my ribs with olie oil.
N<<,(E c)6% O'%+- >%$: '(7 >)-. C)%?)6.
I you`re not interested in increasing your at intake or hae already tried it and ound it didn`t do
what you`d wanted, there`s always upping your carbs. In the Anabolic Diet, Mauro Di Pasquale
mentions that certain people will hae a tremendous amount o diFculty maintaining progress
on a ketogenic diet consisting o 30 grams o carbohydrate a day. As such, he recommends that
one complete at least the initial 10-14 day keto run and then begin experimenting with increases in
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their carbohydrate leels until an optimal balance between perormance and body recomposition is
struck. lollowing this line o thought, he tailored a diet or Godzilla`s second cousin on the black
side o the amily, Bob Sapp, so that it lowered the ats somewhat and increased the carbohydrates
,Di Pasquale, Bob Sapp 11,. le did mention, howeer, in the .vabotic otvtiov for Porertifter., that
people who are excellent at oxidizers ,like mysel, can easily train on 20 grams o carbohydrates a
day, so experimentation is absolutely critical- don`t just decide what you need at the outset ,ADlP
21,. Ol` Mauro claims that the timing o one`s carbohydrates is airly insigniFcant, but does note
that eating pre-workout carbohydrates will decrease IGl-1 and Gl ,ASBB 0,. 1hus, he recom-
mends eating 50-100 grams o carbohydrates post-workout, or a total carbohydrate intake o
.5-1gram o carbohydrates per pound o bodyweight a day. 1his, o course, would necessitate a
concordant drop in at intake.
On the nip side o the coin, Lyle McDonald`s 1argeted Ketogenic Diet is actually based on the
utilization o mostly pre-workout carbohydrates, which he eels are necessary to uel high intensity
exercise. le recommends 25-50 grams o carbohydrate pre-workout, and claims that the type o
carbohydrate and the glycemic index thereo is insigniFcant. 1his would, o course, still preclude
the use o ructose, as the goal is to replenish muscular glycogen stores rather than the glycogen
stores o the lier. According to McDonald, pre-workout carbohydrates will likely not aect either
your insulin leels nor your ketosis ,though they might throw you out o ketosis or the duration o
your workout,, and are thus air game or just about eeryone. Conersely, post-workout carbohy-
drates may negatiely aect ketosis, so he encourages experimentation with those ,Ketogenic Diet
125,.
As or the type o carbohydrates, I hae a suggestion rom noelist and paleo internet guru J. Stan-
ton, who told me that he`s been using a modiFed ersion o the APD or a while with great suc-
cess. I you`re unamiliar with his stu, Stanton does a bunch o wacky shit outdoors that I`m in-
clined to call cardio, but he insists it`s just doing epic shit outdoors`, like climbing mountains while
asted and all sorts o other shit that doesn`t inole picking things up and putting them down. le
did, howeer, recently start liting and noted the APD is the shit, with a couple o his own aria-
tions:
lere`s an adanced-leel Predator Diet ariant: you may get more mileage out o your protein shake i you
eat seeral grams o dextrose with it. Reasoning: the protein causes some insulin release, which ,i the protein is
eaten solo, requires some glucose to be released rom the lier in order to maintain blood sugar leels. 1hen your
lier will signal NLLD MORL GLUCOSL` and there will be a cortisol spike, whereupon your lier will suck up
some o the protein and conert it ia gluconeogenesis. Also cortisol is catabolic. So the additional dextrose ba-
sically gies the ineitable insulin something to chew on, and as a bonus, causes a bit o extra insulin release which
will help drie protein into muscles. ,Note that weight gainer` shakes hae an assload o sugar because it`s cheaper
than protein. 1oo much, no good. I`m working on about a 4:1 protein,glucose ratio, but that`s a guess and open
to reFnement. And it includes whateer sugar`s already in your protein powder., \ou can buy a big bag o dextrose
at the brewery supply store...but the easier way is to just eat a ew Bottle Caps or Sweet 1arts candies. Beliee it or
not, they`re basically 100 dextrose: no sucrose or llCS. So my routine during protein loading days is: glass o
unnaored whey isolate - 4-5 Bottle Caps, eery ew hours. Note: add Runts and Spree to the list o glucose with
impurities`: like Bottle Caps and Sweet 1arts, they`re just dextrose, maltodextrin, and naoring.`,Stanton,
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"#$ _,-.
As you can see, there`s a bit o debate on the optimal timing o one`s carbs i you`re adding them
to the Apex Predator Diet, but i you eel you need them, there are methods to try. Lxperimenta-
tion is the name o the game, so get out your chemistry set and make something ucking awesome
happen. Just remember, howeer- the baddest motheruckers eer to walk the Larth didn`t need
bread to help them stomp the piss out o a bunch o bagel-chomping motheruckers, and it`s likely
you don`t either.
1lL NO1 1OO lA1, BU1 NO1 1OO lUCKING LLAN APPROACl.
1his is what I used when I was between 12 and 8 body at. I could see two abs clearly and two
a bit hazily at the beginning o this diet, and I ollowed this airly strictly or about two months.
Once I started getting into single digits, I noticed mysel getting hungrier and hungrier, and had to
start eating more to maintain my bodyweight. Additionally, once you get into the single digits ,or
middle double digits or chicks, you`ll Fnd that your metabolism resembles the Israeli Killdozer- it
crushes damn near anything in its path proided you hae someone competent behind the wheel.
As such, this approach is going to alter slightly as you get leaner ,should you wish to alter it,. I
realize that some o you react like Luddites at a robotics conention when aced with changing a
workout or diet i it`s still yielding results, and i you all into that category stick with the more dra-
conian approach until you hit the next stage o the diet. lor those o you who hae less resole or
sticking with something than a meth addicted our year old white trash kid in the toy department
at \al-Mart, I recommend setting a hard start and stop point on the eolution o this phase o the
diet to ensure that you make the progress you should.
1his stage is not too much dierent than the preious one, except that I recommend only one day
o Protein Sparing ModiFed lasts and your Rampage day kicks in harder than a teenage stiy at
a lustler party. Ater youè made it to single digits, you may choose to drop the day o protein
sparing modiFed asts to ensure you don`t leae weight on the platorm on training days and that
you continue to make orward progress with your physique. At some point, you`ll get lean enough
that you`ll notice a ery pronounced loss o aggression in the gym due to those days. Additionally,
once you hit single digits, I recommend adding a smaller second ood meal midday. 1his will help
you stabilize your weight as you bring the diet home.
1he Basics o the N1lBN1S Phase
SA1URDA\, MONDA\, 1ULSDA\, AND 1lURSDA\:
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day ,and one oernight, which I`d leae on the toilet and chug while pee-
ing, comprised o 40-60 grams o protein.
On two o these our days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or other no-carb meat.
Once you hit single digit body at, you can make this a our day aair.
On one o these days, try to Ft in a protein sparing modiFed ast ,i.e. consume nothing but protein shakes,
until you hit single digits. I recommend placing this day on Saturday, in between your Rampage and high-calorie
keto days, so as to keep your metabolism stimulated and reap the beneFts o alternate-day asting.
1500-3000 calories o atty meat, preerably on the bone, in the eening.
\LDNLSDA\:
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5-6 protein shakes throughout the day ,and one oernight,.
Less calorically dense meat or dinner ,t-bone, ribeye, or N\ Strip steak, leaing the attiest bits behind.
1his is to ensure that you`re still cycling your calories, een i you`re skipping the protein sparing modiFed ast day.
lRIDA\ ,RAMPAGL DA\,:
1oday is going to be characterized by medium- to low- ,but not no-, carb meals throughout the day. Re-
strict your meals to 50 grams o carbohydrates or less per meal, and keep your at low to ensure carbohydrate
reuptake. 1his is the polar opposite o your typical day, so just bear in mind that your carbohydrates and at should
be inersely proportional at all but the Rampage meal.
Rampage! 1his is going to be a three hour cheat window that I`ll detail in the next installment.
SUNDA\:
ligher calorie keto day. Lnsure that you eat two solid ood meals on this day, preerably o attier meat on
the bone- think wings, ribs, chops, etc.
5-6 protein shakes throughout the day ,and one oernight,.
During this phase, you should be making progress like a ratboy with a sorostitute in his dorm
room- you`re nearly there. Unlike said ratboy, howeer, you`ll likely Fnd rohipnol unnecessary,
though you might beneFt rom the ollowing:
Aoid doing cardio. 1hough utilizing a CKD ,Cyclical Ketogenic Diet, as opposed to a
1KD should orestall muscle catabolism brought on by high olumes o work in the gym, aerobic
exercise taxes your anaerobic substrates too heaily ,Duchaine 132,. Since this could lead to mus-
cle loss, I`d aoid it. lor the orty three thousand rugby athletes whoè emailed me about this diet
,sweet ucking Christ a lot o you like wearing striped shirts,, you`ll want to ollow the \hiny Bitch
permutation o this diet, which is orthcoming.
Supplement with Chromium Polynicotinate or Vanadyl Sulate. Both minerals work to
regulate your blood sugar and insulin leels, and might aid in training and recomposition as a result
,Duchaine 131,.
Don`t skip or skimp on your Rampage day. I cannot imagine a person actually doing so, but
based on the emails I get, a lot o you do some tremendously stupid shit. Don`t be one o those
guys- Rampage like your name is King Kong once a week. I you`re curious as to why, there`s a
good reason- you cannot sustain high intensity training indeFnitely in the total absence o dietary
carbohydrates and expect to make continued progress. \ou do hae some glycogen synthesis that
naturally occurs as a result o weight training, though it`s relatiely small ,McDonald KD 122,. As
such, you need to hit the Rampage once a week to ensure you replenish glycogen stores. Skipping
or postponing your Rampage in this stage will, at best, make you ucking miserable, and at worst,
reduce or eliminate your gains. Since this diet is all about being ucking awesome, reducing your
potential or awesome is counter-intuitie.
Consume stimulants. 1hey`ll uel your workouts and they help establish and deepen your
leels o ketosis ,McDonald KD 116,. Additionally, amphetamines hae been shown in recent
studies to increase the eect o dopamine on your brain, which increases motiation or both phys-
ical and mental actiities ,Ito,. lappily or us, ephedrine is an amphetamine, so eel ree to make
use o the wonderul bounty that is ephedrine and all o its amphetamine-y goodness. \ou`ll be
ocused like a pedophile on a preschool playground when you hit the gym, Fnd dieting easier, and
generally be more awesome. lor those o you with heart problems, moral and,or religious issues,
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or simply think you`re better than the rest o us, eel ree to abstain. Stimulants, while not neces-
sary on this diet, deFnitely help.
Drink i you want. 1hough by no means necessary, and done to excess will uck up your gains,
drinking can actually help you deepen your leels o ketosis ,McDonald 115,. Alcohol itsel gets
conerted to ketones in the absence o dietary carbohydrates, which means that it won`t uck up
your diet beyond replacing the ketones your body would produce rom the conersion o stored
body at. 1hus, it can slow at loss i done to excess, but will not uck up your ketogenesis. 1his
is, o course, assuming you stick to non-carbohydrate-laden alcohol like odka, gin, tequila, Ler-
clear, etc. Additionally, Robb \ol recommends you drink as early as possible to allow the alco-
hol to clear your system beore bedtime to aoid completely shutting down Gl release oernight.
One o the best things you can consume, alcohol wise, on this diet is the disgusting old-timey gin
and tonic, garnished with lime. 1he lime juice blunts insulin release while the tonic water acts as
a non-polar solent` that deliers the alcohol into your system aster.,\ol 138, \ol actually
recommends the CrossFtters` drink o choice, the NorCal Margarita, but it occurred to me as I
wrote this that the drink o choice in the period o British Colonialism will do the job just as well,
while additionally conerring resistance to malaria. 1hus, eel ree to show up to your local gin bar
rocking a monocle and a comically undersized saari outFt to coer all o your bases. At the ery
least, you`ll annoy the holy uck out o the hipsters drinking that ile bullshit, which makes it a ic-
tory no matter what.
APLX PRLDA1OR DIL1, PAR1 4: rer, .e Preaator Coe. Ov .v Occa.iovat Rav
age, o ovg .. Cbri. av.ev Doe.v`t Catcb 1bev ir.t
A hulking Fgure appeared in the doorway, cloaked in an aura so intense that he barely seemed capa-
ble o doing aught but great iolence to anything within his reach. As he stepped heaily into the
room, the onlookers noticed that eery sinew, eery muscle, and eery ein stood in stark relie be-
neath his paper thin skin, which threatened to burst like the skin on a sausage let too long on the
grill. lis t-shirt, loose at the waist, grew tighter as the eye moed upward until it appeared to be
strangling him, so tightly was it stretched oer his bull-like neck and shoulders. Shouldering aside
ill-clad, scrawny hipsters, the brute made his way to the ront o the establishment and spoke.
Bring me a pizza adorned with eery conceiable type o meat, as many breadsticks as you can Ft
into a garbage bag, and a hal gallon o whiskey, or I swear by all o the gods that I shall reduce
this building to rubble, lay waste to the surrounding areas, carry o your women, and drink all o
your liquor. \ou hae Fteen minutes to comply.`
It was, clearly, Rampage Day.
1hough you might be thinking that skipping your Rampage day might be a good way to accel-
erate at loss, this is not so. In the initial phase o this diet, you might stretch your keto runs to
acclimatize yoursel to the diet and undo the massie damage youè wrecked upon your internal
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system. Additionally, you`re primarily concerned with being less disgusting to look at and touch,
which is understandable. As such, you might be inclined to continue to stretch the no-carb phase
o this diet to ten to ourteen days, which can hae some ery positie metabolic eects. Once
youè re-entered the realm o human physiques, howeer, you should rethink that policy, as this
diet`s not about not being at- it`s about being ucking awesome. I you`re going to be awesome,
you`re going to need to lit continually heaier weights and get more muscular, and the Rampage is
a critical component in that, especially gien the act that some studies hae shown that long-term
ketogenic diets inhibit muscle growth when the dieter is in a hypocaloric state, which you`ll likely be
in or at least part o the week i you`re doing one or more days o Protein Sparing ModiFed lasts
,McDaniel,. I you`re doing PSMls and breaking your ass in the gym, it`s highly likely that until you
engage in a gastronomic catastrophe like the Rampage, you`re going to be in a hypocaloric state
oer the balance o the week. 1hat shit simply cannot be allowed to stand, as your workouts will
suer and you could lose some o the muscle youè broken your ass inside out to get.
1hus, you should regard a re-eed day as sacrosanct. 1he Rampage Day is essential or getting in-
sanely strong and lean, as a day in which you deliberately oereat carbohydrates is utterly necessary
or muscular hypertrophy, strength gains, and oerall recomposition. Lssentially, the Rampage Day
coners more beneFts than a cattle prod at a school or the mentally retarded- it stimulates your
metabolism ,Matsumoto,, replenishes your glycogen stores or heay training ,Bowden,, increas-
es your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones ,Poehlman,, proides sundry mental health beneFts
through a orced break rom clean eating ,\estrate,, and helps normalize most, i not all, o the
hormones |inoled in| metabolic slowdown: leptin, ghrelin, insulin, etc.`,McDonald RlD 46,.
\ou will, howeer, hae to do the reeed correctly in order to reap its beneFts like a Muslim collect-
ing hymens in Jannah. Unless you`re where you want to be in terms o body at, howeer, this isn`t
going to be a ree-or-all day, as you`re hardly out o the water yet. Instead, the Rampage is a com-
bination o a structured reeed ,like you`d do or a glycogen supercompensation, and a cheat meal.
I you`re still worried that you`ll grow your disgusting atbody back in your Frst Rampage, ear
not- there are at least two studies that suggest that the body continues to use body at or uel
during the Frst 24 hours o carbohydrate loading, so proided you stick to the plan, you`ll be well
on your way to getting the striated buttocks o which youè always dreamed ,McDonald KD 135,.
At least one study has shown that short breaks rom high at diets will not hae an aderse eect
on lipolytic actiity, and lipolytic actiity in people who take high carb breaks rom high at diets
are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet, meaning you`ll burn more at i
you cheat a bit once a week ,Saitoh,. Additionally, ellow low-carbohydrate dieting adocate, Dae
Palumbo, stated that i you use a keto-diet, you`ll need to hae a cheat meal ,to spike insulin, at
least once per week to keep the thyroid unctioning normally.` lor anyone who`s eer met a gross-
ly obese person, they inariably claim that their thyroid`s at ault, rather than the act that they gae
up ertical locomotion or a scooter and some lo-lo`s ten years ago, and haen`t een bothered
to mourn the act that theyè not seen their genitalia in 15 years due to their obsession with telei-
sion game shows and Cheetos. Best to keep your distance rom those motheruckers and keep that
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thyroid humming.
Get Rampagin'!
On your Rampage Day, you`re going to plan on consuming 3.5-4.5 grams o carbs per pound o
gross bodyweight. 1hus, a 154 lb. person should consume 600 grams o total carbohydrates on
Rampage Day, whereas a 200 lb person would consume around 800. 1he timing o the carbohy-
drates is not as important as the amount, though I preer to keep mysel in a caloric deFcit until the
cheat window to milk eery bit o stimulus I can out o the massie innux o ood. Additionally,
predators in the wild inariably hae a marked circadian rhythm` and their hunting motiation is
innuenced by the actiity o endogenous clocks`,Mclarland 463,. 1hough you might be skeptical
o the application o this act to you, humans are uniersally considered to be apex predators, so
it is in our nature to eat in a particular rhythm. 1his might be why I Fnd this diet so ucking easy
to ollow- it has a nice now. Additionally, my body seems primed or the innux o calories in the
eening, which leads me to beliee that you`ll utilize the majority o the calories you ingest i your
Rampage is synchronous with your largest meal during the week. Is there science to support that
luck no, but it makes sense, so I`m sticking with it.
\ou don`t need to walk around with a notepad and calculator all ucking day long, either- the key
to the reeed is how many carbs and which kinds, rather than the pace at which you eat them. lor
the Frst couple o Rampages, you might want to plan them a bit so you`re shooting or the right
carbohydrate leels. 1his will gie you a benchmark and allow you the opportunity to Fne-tune
your intake as you go. Others o you might want to go my route and keep your carbs under 200
grams or the duration o the day, so that no matter how ucking nuts you go come cheat time you
cannot oershoot your mark. I ound this particularly helpul in the early stages, but as I got leaner
it went rom unnecessary to possibly counterproductie.
Multiple sources Iè read irtually scream that you should aoid ructose during glycogen recom-
position, as it simply replenishes lier stores and can actually be stored as body at. 1hought eg-
ans will scream bloody murder this isn`t true, science does not appear to hae their back. Instead,
science appears to hae gained ull mount and is currently beating egans like they`re talking shit on
a Caliornia playground. lructose is more lipogenic than glucose or starches, and usually causes
greater eleations in triglycerides and sometimes in cholesterol than other carbohydrates. Dietary
ructose has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid.` 1o add insult to in-
jury, added ructose seems to proide little adantage oer other caloric sweeteners and compares
unaorably to complex carbohydrates in susceptible segments o the population`,lallrisch,.
1hus, I`d aoid ruit or the most part. Additionally, oerdoing the sucrose can lead to some being
stored as body at. I you`re eating either, try to restrict them to 50 grams and 100 grams, respec-
tiely, to aoid reducing the eFcacy o the reeed ,McDonald RlL 46-,. 1hat`s not to say that
you should underdo it, howeer. 1he Minnesota Lxperiment showed that the utilization o the
minimum necessary calories in a reeed will lead to decreased enthusiasm or the diet and training,
no matter the macronutrient composition ,Russell 129,. 1hus, you`ll Rampage as intelligently and
aggressiely as you should do eerything, like you`re a modern day Neanderthal with an 8-inch bon-
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er acing down a wooly mammoth that`s trying to rape your girlriend.
"#$ K'*<'E$ 3.-$2;
In the past, I coered cheat windows airly in-depth and mentioned that there are a couple o ways
to skin this proerbial cat. 1he Rampage will utilize none o those, and will instead rely on a single
3-hour cheat window on the heels o the aorementioned carbohydrate reeed. During the cheat
window, I encourage you to eat like you`re a Southern housewie at an all-you-can-eat buet and
gorge yoursel. I usually pick oods on which I can graze, as Iè shrunken my stomach and haen`t
got any interest in putting mysel in physical pain during my weekly three hour holiday. 1here`s no
metabolic reasoning or grazing, howeer- it`s just what I like to do. lor those o you who are
about to throw Lyle McDonald in my ace, relax, Iè read the same shit. lis contention is that
during these structured reeeds, you should deFnitely not use the concept as an excuse to eat your-
sel sick or eat three times what you`d normally eat` ,McDonald 34,. I`ll tell you this rom experi-
ence- the arther you get in a gien diet, the less you can consume in three hours- it`s a matter
o pure biology. 1hus, at the beginning o your diet, you`ll be able to eat more during your cheats,
which will likely slow your progress. Should you notice this, you can moderate uture Rampages to
orestall that slowdown, though as you get leaner, you`ll notice you can get away with a lot more in
the way o craziness and lapses. Additionally, once start seeing deFnition you`d neer seen beore,
or eins you neer thought you`d eer see, you`re going to naturally restrict yoursel on your cheats
to preent any backsliding, at least until youè stayed lean or a considerable period o time and
Fnd yoursel nearly insane with hunger by lriday night.
",*,(EA
I usually choose to Rampage at night. lrom an insulin standpoint this is probably not ideal, but
rom a liestyle standpoint, I don`t care. 1here`s not enough o a dierence in hormone leels
between morning and night to justiy worrying about my insulin leels, and I Fnd that it`s awesome
to go to bed anywhere rom ull to bursting and hae the night to digest and bomb out my place in
peace, rather than orce mysel to eat a meal when it is inconenient.
Some nutritionists beliee that pre-workout is the best time or a scheduled cheat window. Anytime
Iè tried to schedule a cheat meal early in a day and train later, howeer, I Fnd that my lit`s a disas-
ter, and I spend the majority o the time acting like Iè got some horrible stomach nu. 1he kind
o nu wherein you know you`re going to paint the bathroom one color or another because eery-
thing wants out all at once. I chose wrong once when I was a kid, and my mom had to clean the
bathroom ater, as I passed out with my head hanging oer the toilet, pants around my ankles, shit
coering eery square inch o the bathroom. 1his has made Mother`s Day expensie since I was 6.
I don`t wish to repeat that eent, so I don`t cheat pre-workout.
1wo supplements that will increase the eectieness o your cheat meal are:
LCA stack- it increases your thermogenesis anyway, but ephedrine alone can increase the thermic
eect o a meal by 30`,Berardi,. As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation
o your eeding renzy to ensure that you`re getting the optimal metabolic response to your oer-
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eeding.
Digestie enzymes- beore, during, and ater. 1rust me, they`ll help. I youè been eating clean,
your body`s going to hae something to say about what you`re eating, and it`s going to let eeryone
in the room know what it thinks about it. 1his should preent any non-alcohol-related pants-shit-
ting, and keep you rom smelling like youè shit them. Lastly, it`ll increase the absorption o the
nutrients you`d so rudely and crudely stued down your raenous gullet, increasing the positie
eects o that meal and hopeully negating any o the negatie ones.
One last word on this, or you atties- don`t include these eeding renzies i you`re not already
lean. I you`re a at ass, you don`t desere them rom a mental standpoint and cannot really utilize
them rom a metabolic one. As such, you`d be wise to steer clear until you can see some abs. lor
guys, this means under 15, tops. lor girls, that means... whateer the emale equialent o 15 is.
\e`ll call it 25-2. I you can see abs, hae at it- otherwise, wait until you can. Additionally, i
you Fnd that cheat meals are either not helping, or they`re actually hurting, monkey with the timing,
duration, and what you`re actually eating. Should you Fnd yoursel in the aorementioned at ass
category, limit yoursel a bit in your Rampage- youè been on a years-long Rampage and it`s high
time you exercised some sel control. Make sure you get your carbs, but keep the ats below 25
o your total calories while doing so. Kill a couple o bags o Baked Lays and hit up luddruckers
or a couple o Bualo Burgers, maybe. Remember- eye on the ucking prize.
1he rest o you... get ready. 1omorrow, we Rampage.
\OU`RL lOCUSLD ON ALL 1lL \RONG SOR1 Ol DL1AILS:
Po.t ava Peri!or/ovt ^vtritiov
\ith the release o the DSM-5, which pretty much states that eeryone on Larth is highly dysunc-
tional and in dire need o a ariety o pharmaceutical aids to be normal`, it`s hardly surprising that
eeryone who eer enters a gym expects there to be some sort o panacea to aid their training. As
such, the act that I`ll see 135 lb weaklings dicking around on machines or an hour a day and then
scampering oer to the water ountain mid-workout to Fll their bottles with water to mix with some
retarded concoction shouldn`t really come as a surprise. Unortunately or me, howeer, it does, as
I appear to hae some hidden reseroir o aith in my ellow man backed by nothing but hate or
idiocy and baseless hope.
Digging a bit deeper, though, marketing plays a large part in the issue, as does the act that taking
supplements is a time-honored American tradition. Lspecially in the inormation age, marketing is
pretty much ubiquitous, and chases people rom hill to dale on the 1V, internet, radio, phones, snail
mail, and random adertisements plastered like billboards on peoples` t-shirts. It`s unsurprising
that at some point peoples` bullshit Flters are eentually oerloaded, and they cae to een the most
ridiculous o ad pitches. 1hat, combined with what appears to be a uniquely American reliance on
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sel-treatment, makes or a dangerous enironment when one embarks on a workout routine, espe-
cially when eeryone around us is at, lazy, and mentally deectie.
In the past, Iè blogged about what I consider to be useul supplements, although a lot o you
seem to hae missed those blogs and emailed me questions about the same 5 supplements. I
you`re interested, it`s scattered throughout the blog, but the main treatments are here, here, and
here. As it stands, the only supplements I consider essential are a low carb protein powder and a
multiitamin. Just below that are test boosters,estrogen blockers ,like tribulus,, omega 3`s, and
LCA supplements. Beyond that, in my opinion people might as well just set Fre to their ucking
money. 1hat doesn`t stop the aerage assbag you see in any gym, though.
As I mentioned, it`s not entirely their ault. Americans in particular hae been obsessed with ita-
mins the Frst appeared in the popular press in 1910, and their interest has only increased oer time,
in spite o the goernment`s best eorts to stine them. I suppose the press was in large part to
blame or this interest, but Americans hae been concerned with what they perceied as a steady
decline in the quality o their ood since the early 1930s, and hae sought ways to mitigate that de-
cline as a result ,Vitamania ,. Concurrent with that phenomenon has been the marked decline in
aith in the medical proession, which is only exacerbated by the act that doctors don`t know their
asses rom a hole in the wall when it comes to training and nutrition. Doctors will inariably spout
archaic sound bites about the dangers o excessie protein consumption and the eils o heay
weightliting, in spite o reams o studies contradicting their decades-old common knowledge`.
1heir ignorance o these subjects parallels the goernment`s amous ignorance o the same, which
has maniested itsel in the progressiely more idiotic and hilarious dietary recommendations and
the its periodic crackdowns on dietary supplement sales. 1hink the latest round o prohormone
seizures was a new thing lardly- the goernment`s been in the pockets o the pharmaceutical
industry and pharmacy lobbyists or oer a century, and hae tried multiple times to ban the sale
o non-prescription dietary supplements ,Vitamania 55, 131,. 1hrow on top o that nonsense the
post-modernist hatred and distrust o the establishment and youè got a recipe or sel-medica-
tion the likes o which the world hasn`t seen since illiterate saages roamed the prairie in search o
megaauna to stab to death.
H,7 c)6 P()5a Sel-medication and lay surgery was apparently prealent in the Ice Age.
1here is eidence that Neanderthals utilized ephedra or energy ,Rudgely 194,, Otzi the
Iceman`s body showed eidence o acupuncture, and trepanning ,brain surgery perormed
to reliee swelling o the brain, was bizarrely common in the Ice Age ,Acupuncture 1oday,
Restak 165,.
In our haste to throw a hearty uck you` at the medical establishment and the goernment, how-
eer, weè become so enslaed to scientiFc studies that weè started ignoring anecdotal eidence
altogether. As soon as a study shows a correlation between a substance and a net positie gain or
the human body, it becomes a necessity, which is ridiculous. 1he Frst instance o this appears to
hae been the result o a study on cod lier oil in the 1930s, wherein it was shown that there was a
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signiFcant statistical dierence in the requency and duration o illness between those who supple-
mented with cod lier oil and those who didn`t. Subsequent studies on the substance showed that
it had a positie eect on a ariety o other systems, and supplement companies were o to the
races. Soon, print ads were run stating that No mother would willingly deny her baby the chance
to deelop a well-knit rame or a Fne set o teeth... yet many mothers make this mistake without
knowing it`, insinuating that mothers who ailed to eed their children that noxious substance were
consigning their children to a reakish appearance Ft only or carnial sideshows or a Roman em-
peror`s court.
1he same shit goes on today on a wide ariety o websites, wherein they insinuate that a workout
is wasted i it`s not ollowed by the proper post workout nutrition` within 45 minutes. 1his is
o course patently untrue, but arises out o old studies that show that post workout nutrition aids
muscular growth and recoery. Luckily or us, newer studies show that the window is actually 24
hours, which seems to all in line with the eidence presented by pictures o old-time strongmen,
stone masons, iron workers, and irtually eery muscular person on Larth who`s not wandering
around Gold`s Gym with a ucking shaker bottle in hand ,1ipton,.
1he same goes or peri-workout nutrition. Do studies show it`s helpul \up. Do they show that
it`s absouckinglutely necessary, as 1-Muscle would hae you beliee with their ridiculous Anaconda
protocol luck no. I it were, anyone who`d lited in an era prior to their inention o a need or a
protein shake mid-workout would suck, and people with >400 a month to blow on bullshit supple-
ments would lead the world in strength sports. In case you hadn`t noticed... they don`t.
In short, don`t let yoursel get ocused on the wrong shit- there`s no panacea or getting ucking
strong, ripped, or jacked. \hat there is is breaking your ass in the gym liting heay weights, eat-
ing as much protein as you possibly can, as oten as you can, and getting a shitload o sleep. It
worked or lackenshmidt, Goerner, Saxon, and a shitload o other guys beore \ieder coninced
eeryone that they had to take three days o a week and beore the goernment ordained that you
should eat as much bread as humanly possible. \eè only sucked since we stopped paying atten-
tion to what`s in ront o us and started listing to a ariety o bullshit sitting atop a mound o shaky
scientiFc eidence.
H) 9)6% %$-$'%/#8 [6$-.,)( IbIKc"J3W_8 $'. -)*$ *$'.8 '(7 2,;.0
Il \OU ABSOLU1LL\ lUCKING MUS1 LA1 DOGSlI1, LA1 1lIS
lrankly, I think this topic has been done to ucking death ,queue the assholes with the hackneyed`
button etish,, a couple o you hae asked me a question along the lines o i you hae to eat like
an asshole, what should you eat` 1his is obiously a diFcult question to answer, as my diet is a
constantly eoling process, rather than a static macronutritent ratio. So many actors go into ood
and macro choices that it`s diFcult to identiy a single ood that will perectly suit your needs i
you`re stuck and you hae limited options. 1hus, I`ll gie you a couple o ideas.
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I you`re \A\ the uck away rom any kind o ood that might be construed as useul, eat some
kind o meat. 1hat`s the key to the whole deal. lor instance:

I you`re at a gas station, skip the Balance bars. lere`s why- a Balance bar consists o a bit soy protein, a
shitload o sugar, and a bunch o at. It`s a ucking shit Zone macro thing, only done in the most hal-assed way
humanly possible. Instead, go or the bee jerky with the least sugar. 1hat way, you`ll get a massie dose o protein
with only a bit o carbs and at. It`s the original protein bar-esque snack. lailing that, you can go with a protein bar
they hae there, but beore you buy a balance bar, check to see what the nutrition on their microwaable burgers are.
I`ll bet that the burger will be better or you, most times.
At a ast ood place, you`re generally best o with a couple o grilled chicken sandwiches or one and some
chili. \ou`ll keep your carbs moderate, your protein high, and your at low, which is essentially the easiest healthy
way to eat when your ood isn`t pre-prepared.
loagies will get it done, as well, proided you pass on the mayo, stupid non-meats like pepperoni,salami,
and the dressing. I generally get roast bee, turkey, or a club with roast bee, turkey, and ham, and then double the
meat on that bitch. Additionally, Quizno`s Sammies with grilled chicken are pretty badass, but youè got to eat at
least three o them to get a useul amount o protein.
Nuts are a good compliment to the jerky i you`re keeping the carbs low. I you want to up the carbs, eat a
bag o Baked Lays.
Basically, just don`t be ucking retarded. I get a shitload o questions about diet, and the shit is not
brain surgery. I your carbs are high, your at is low. I your at is high, carbs are low.
>KX"I3W 3F 1\C1cF J3_J @IO1NFI "JIKIBF WX FNOJ "J3W_ 1F "XX
=NOJ >KX"I3W0 \ou could be eating unnecessary amounts, but no one`s eer ucking gotten
at rom protein, because the thermic eect o protein is too high, and no one has eer died rom
eating too much. 1hereore, Fnd the shit that Fts your proFle the best and eat it.
F#,. 9)6 -#)627(B. $'.a
Mayo. I you eat mayo, you`re a at uck, you hate your arteries, you`re generally disgusting, and your riends
probably hate you. It`s ile, useless shit, and you should aoid it. \hile we`re at it, Blue cheese dressing is ucking
disgusting, and i you eat it, you are too. Moldy cheese blended with mayonnaise sounds like something inented by
Unit 31`s scientists to make their colleagues omit uncontrollably. I would deFnitely rather lick a New \ork side-
walk than eat anything made with mayonnaise, and I would rather stu my hand up an unsuspecting cow`s ass than
hae that shit touch my skin. 1o recap, mayo is disgusting, moldy cheese is disgusting, and the people who eat that
shit should be sent to reeducation camps.
lot dogs. I mean, seriously. \hy would you eat a ucking hot dog 1here`s barely any protein, it`s Flled
with nitrates, and it`s the random organic detritus o the butchering process. It`s like processed chum, with bugs
mixed in or good measure.
Any packaged baked good containing sugar. \ou want diabetes line. Stop reading my ucking blog. \ou`re
an asshole or stuFng that ucking Ring Ding in your mouth. \ou might as well stu it up your at ucking ass,
because it`s shit.
lish lilets. I you don`t know why, you`re a dick.
lried chicken sandwiches. I there`s nothing else with protein in it to eat, hae one. Otherwise, go grilled-
there`s no reason to ry a chicken breast and wedge it into a sandwich bun.
1lL GOVLRNMLN1 DOLSN`1 LIKL \OU: v .tt Probabitit,, t ate. Yov.
1he populist bullshit about the goernment being or us and by us is nothing but letist claptrap. In
Page 22
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
truth, the goernment is nothing but a conglomeration o rich people who reuse to work or a li-
ing and who get rich o kickbacks and grat. As such, their recommendations, like the USRDA, are
about as alid as a Star \ars nerd`s claim that Jar Jar Binks added leity to the prequels. Carbs are
cheap and plentiul, while protein is not. Our goernment has proen, ad inFnitum, that they will
skimp eery ucking time on serices and goods or the people, but line their ucking pockets while
they do it. Meanwhile, protein makes you mentally and physically strong, and strong people are
hard to control. Plebes raised on gruel, howeer, are easy to control- they`re weak and sotheaded.
1his is why, in spite o the act that Americans suer rom more chronic illnesses than any other
people in the history o our species, people still respect the recommendations o the goernment
when considering what to eat, what drugs to take, and what is sae`.
I`m here to tell you that i you`re one o those people, you should jump back and punch yoursel
right in the ucking ace. 1he goernment NLVLR has your best interests at heart. they hae only
the special interests in mind, because they`re heartless, soulless, greedy motheruckers who would
loe to see you dead, except that dead people don`t pay taxes.
") 5,.A
Modern man suers an unprecedented amount o degeneratie disease. 1wo o the biggest lob-
byist groups are healthcare and agribusiness. Between the two o them, they hae a ested interest
in you accumulating massie amounts o degeneratie diseases, which the healthcare industry can
later proFt rom Fxing. I the recommendations the goernment proided, upon which things
like school lunches are based ,and which many Americans blindly ollow as nutritional lemmings,,
were in any way healthy, our kids wouldn`t be at pieces o lazy shit, and our ucking teeth wouldn`t
be alling out. \eston Price showed deFnitiely, years ago, that the modern diet is at least in large
part to blame or the massie number o caities and other assorted dental problems rom which
modern Americans suer. le proided ample eidence his book to support his supposition, and
as a dentist, he likely knew what he was ucking talking about. It was his seminal work that gae
rise, in large part, to the paleo dieting moement. Does the goernment support his recommen-
dations lell no. In spite o the act that he`s the only person who`s made a compelling argument
or the dramatic increase in dental caries oer the last 200 years, in spite o the American obsession
with dental health that borders on psychosis. 1he goernment, in collusion with the ADA, blames
eerything rom lead to a ailure to noss, but not the carb-laden diet supported by agribusiness and
the goernment. leaens, no! It couldn`t be that! 1he teeth o paleolithic people stay in their
ucking heads, and are strong enough to chew through plate steel. Likewise, neither the goern-
ment nor their lackeys can account or the exponential rise in degeneratie diseases oer the past
100 years, and tend to blame the problem on increased longeity, in spite o the act that paleolithic
cultures with similar lie expectations don`t suer rom cancer, bone degeneration, or any o the
other horseshit plaguing our old people. Maybe that`s because no one in their society proFts rom
their eebleness, as pharmaceutical and insurance companies do in our own. Instead, their society
proFts rom people so ucking hardcore that we hae to look to their third world shitholes or ei-
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
dence o elderly people who are hard as the nails through which they can bite, like the 3-year-old
Kenyan man who used his bare hands to tear out the tongue o a leopard that attacked him.
Same goes or obesity. 1he goernment blames Big Macs and trans ats. Are they contributors
Sure, but not on the scale that healthy` oods like spaghetti are. And why Because the goern-
ment subsidizes the liing shit out o agribusiness to proide cheap, inerior calories or the proles
to consume beore they can trudge to their miserable jobs, sot-headed, and accept whateer ate is
orced upon their nabby bodies and minds. It`s long been known that cults like the lare Krishnas
and Scientologists, use a diet high in carbohydrates and low in protein in conjunction with sleep
depriation to aid in brainwashing their members. An interesting parallel can be drawn between
that and the US work ethic and diet, it seems.
Look at this wacky pile o nutritional horseshit, or instance:
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"

nGO LLAN \I1l PRO1LIN low can you BL lean without it \ant a catchy rhyme with which to
replace that low about Lat like motherucking lannibal- Out o meat Become a cannibal`.
n1his bullshit is easily 60-0 carbs.
n1hey ail to acknowledge that corn and potatoes are starches, rather than egetables, or one. 1he glycemic
load or Corn llakes is higher than it is or ucking CocoPops, or uck`s sake, and corn on the cob has a higher load
than \onder bread.
n1hey pair beans with meats, which is ucking absurd. Beans don`t proide a protein about as complete
as the combined personalities o those whores rom the lills, and shouldn`t eer be directly compared with meat.
And don`t een get me ucking started on soy. Ah, well, uck it- it ruins your metabolism, raises estrogen, lowers
testosterone, and might just be generally toxic. ,PUBMLD, Iè posted about it ad naseum, but it still has me shot
right out o a ucking cannon. Guess what Scientologists make new recruits` eat Beans and rice.
n5 oz o 95 lean bee yields 39g protein. 1hat`s it. 1hat`s all the goernment recommends.
lrankly, i you`re not compelled to hate eery politician on Larth at this point, you hae all o the
rationality and critical analysis skills o Nick Nolte. Neertheless, here`s a couple o other things
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
the goernment does or you on a daily basis to make you more docile, weaker, and generally more
pathetic eery day:
they poison your water, or reuse to Flter out gonadotropic and psychotropic substances, and recommend
you drink 8 glasses a day. A 2008 study ound Antibiotics, anti-depressants, and estrogen` in our drinking water.
Additionally, British research suggests that estrogen, the emale sex hormone, is primarily responsible or deorm-
ing reproductie systems o Fsh, noting that blood plasma rom male trout liing below sewage treatment plants
had the emale egg protein itellogenin. 1his Fnding would seem to be consistent with what U.S. researchers suspect
has occurred downstream rom treatment plants in Las Vegas and Minneapolis. Carp in these areas show the same
eects as the British Fsh.`
they openly poisoned alcohol during the prohibition, and killed 10,000- people doing so.
pesticides are carcinogenic, yet the goernment promotes their use wholeheartedly. 1he book Silent Spring
by Rachel Carson details this thoroughly, giing most o her attention to insecticides, herbicides and ungicides,
since these are the most dangerous poisons. She shows the utility o relying on them or any new substitutes oered
to counteract the swit eolution o immunity to chemical control shown by more and more insects and ungus
diseases. She quotes an authority on cancer, Dr. \. C. lueper o the National Cancer Institute, who has gien
DD1 the deFnite rating o a chemical carcinogen``--a cancer inducer. She notes that storage o DD1 |in the
body| begins with the smallest conceiable intake o the chemical ,which is present as residues on most oodstus,
and continues until quite high leels are reached. 1he atty storage depots act as biological magniFers, so that an
intake o as little as one-tenth o 1 part per million in the diet results in storage o about 10 to 15 parts per million,
an increase o one hundredold or more. In animal experiments, 3 parts per million has been ound to inhibit
an essential enzyme in heart muscle, only 5 parts per million has brought about necrosis or disintegration o lier
cells, only 2.5 parts per million o the closely related chemicals dieldrin and chlordane did the same.` Other modern
insecticides are still more deadly. Nor did the discoery o their poisonous character come by chance: insects were
widely used |during \orld \ar II| to test chemicals as agents o death or man` ,Milne,.
1hrow all o this in a blender, and what do you get \eah, I know, Iè already picked out my cabin
in the woods, and am thinking o changing my name to 1ed Kaczynsky Lewis, but the shit is justi-
Fed. 1he goernment actiely attempts to subert any attempt by its people to assert themseles,
and does so by keeping you drugged, hal-stared, and conused. 1hus, the next time you hear or
read a recommendation by the goernment on the consumption o controlled substances, ita-
mins, supplements, or ood, take a long look at what theyè suggested and the reasons why. Nine
times out o ten, their recommendations will be outright lies, and their reasoning will be predicated
entirely upon their ability to control the populace and line their pockets through kickbacks or taxa-
tion. 1hey can do this because the American people hae no redress- the goernment is complete-
ly insulated rom ciil suits by the doctrine o soereign immunity, and electing another politician
simply puts the money in another proessional liar`s hands. 1wo o the only respectable members
o the goernment weè eer had didn`t trust the goernment- 1eddy Rooseelt and Jesse Ventura.
Jesse`s moed to ucking Mexico because o the bullshit constantly coming out o \ashington, and
1eddy deoted his entire lie to working against the establishment, when he wasn`t busy boxing pro
Fghters or stabbing big game to death with a salad ork. I they didn`t trust the goernment, may-
be you shouldn`t either.
Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that the government does not like you,
($4$% 5'(.$7 9)68 '(7 ,( '22 <%)+'+,2,.98 ,. J1"IF 9)60 3.B- (). .#$ 5)%-. .#,(E .#'. /'(
#'<<$(0
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
We don't NLLD them!
Iuck damnation, man! Iuck redemption! We're the government's unwanted children, SO
BL I1!
1lLRL`S A BUNCl Ol lUCKING lORSLSlI1 lLOA1ING AROUND...
bvt .ove of it`. ror.e tbav tbe re.t. or ovce, `tt be covci.e ava ;vv rigbt ivto it.
M))70
It`s a pretty ucking important actor in training. Just how important is it 1hat`s a matter or
some debate. A quick Google search yielded this nugget, which seems to echo the \eider crowd`s
opinion on the matter - According to International lederation o Bodybuilders ,IlBB, Proes-
sional ligure athlete Rachel Cammon, as much as 80 percent o extreme hypertrophy, as seen in
bodybuilding competitions, can be attributed to the athlete`s diet.` Interesting. So, this genius, and
many others in the physical culture community, beliee that nutrition is 5-80 ,depending on the
source, o what will ultimately lead to speed, strength, and good body composition. 1hat`s uck-
ing absurd. \ou can hae the most impeccable diet in history, but i you`re sitting on the ucking
couch all day long, you`re still going to be weak and look like shit. It`s idiots like this ucking retard
that get people quibbling oer dietary intake and ailing to apply the same assiduous attention to the
gym, and they end up sucking at the end o the day. 1his just in- the guys who sat or the sculp-
tures in ancient Greece and Rome didn`t hae access to protein powders, NO Lxplode, or any o
the other happy horseshit with which you see eeryone hideously preoccupied these days. Instead,
they had heay shit to pick up repeatedly, which they did. Same goes or the Lastern Luropean lit-
ers o the last 50 years- Bulgarians got ripped to shreds smoking constantly and drinking like Fsh,
and eating a traditional diet that`s 2x less than that o other LU members, which is still ar less than
us. Now, does that mean you should eat whateer the uck you want and try to out-train your diet
Unless you can deote 8 hours a day to training, I wouldn`t recommend it. It does mean, howeer,
that no matter what some douche tells you in an article on 1-Nation or Bodybuilding.com, diet is
not the most important actor in building muscle, gaining strength, and getting lean. \ou want to
look like you lit, and be able to nip oer small cars or a goo when you`re hammered 1hen lit,
and eat as cleanly as you can, when you can.

Remember that just because some marketing asshole says it`s good or you, doesn`t mean it is.
1hus, skip the Balance Bar and eat just about anything else. I`d generally recommend bee jerky
and some nuts, i you`re in a pinch, but i the choice is a hamburger or not eating or 6 hours,
LA1 1lL lUCKING lAMBURGLR. It`s ar easier to burn o a couple o calories than it is to
regain muscle you lose in an impromptu ast because the ood choices don`t Ft your metabolic type.
\ou`re not the ucking Buddha, and this isn`t a ucking sit-in, so cast aside any notions you might
hae about asceticism in the ace o shitty ood and make sure you get 40-0g o protein eery
couple o hours.

Chicken is not the only ucking protein source out there. Pael and I don`t agree on much, but we
agree on this. I read a hilarious anecdote about him eating with a guy a ew years ago, and the guy
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ordered chicken tacos, and Pael got pissed. le glared at the guy and said Lating chicken makes
you weak.` 1hen he went on to tell the guy that whole eggs are good or two reasons- they`re ex-
cellent or helping you build muscle and strength and they keep chickens rom being born. 1ry
eating bee- it`s more nutrient dense, it tastes better, and it`s what Milo o Croton would hae rec-
ommended.

\hey is a waste product o the dairy industry, and theyè marketed the uck out o it. It`s not
magical, and it`s not the best protein source on Larth. It`s not een ucking close. lrom eery bit
o research Iè seen, blended proteins oer beneFts not enjoyed by whey, making them the supe-
rior choice on paper. 1he problem arises, howeer, that many protein manuacturers ail to meet
their label claims, and it seems blended proteins are worse than others in this regard. As such, use
proteins that meet your macros ,at least insoar as you can tell, and aoid anything that`s oerhyped.
luck the USDA- Introducing the Chaos and Pain Nutritional Pyramid- Part 1
I realize that Iè addressed this issue beore, but gien the absolute spate o questions regarding
my supplementation and diet ,and concurrent dearth o training methodology questions,, I shall
address this issue once more. lurthermore, I`ll coer a ew popular supplements and my opinion
thereo.
"#$ @'-$
=$'.. Meat is good. Vegetarians might disagree, but this is because they`re scared, weak people
who are araid that i the world runs short o cattle, they`ll be eaten Frst. 1hey`re right. I`m hoping
you people aren`t actually retarded, and that you realize that meat is highly anabolic. I`m not just
talking about chicken, either, since chicken breast contains ery little at, is bland, dry, and generally
boring. But, at is bad, right \rong, uckace. Dietary at in the orm o saturated or monounsat-
urated at positiely correlates with high testosterone leels, because cholesterol is the precursor to
testosterone.
Nearly eery dierent kind o meat on the planet is useul, in some orm. 1he only type o meat
I`d recommend you to aoid is bear meat, which is renowned or containing trichinellosis. Unless
you like your meat VLR\ well done, which is how you apparently need to cook that shit to aoid
dropping dead o a parasite inestation, aoid bear meat. I`m personally not a an o sea ood, but
atty Fsh is incredibly healthy due to the act that it contains large amounts o Omega 3 atty acids,
and it`s a nice change o pace rom wings and ground bee, i you can stomach it. Ray Audette rec-
ommends eating game meat like bualo, longhorn ,where the uck would you get longhorn outside
o 1exas,, and emu as alternaties to traditional bee due to its high Omega 3 content, i you`re
like me and loathe Fsh ,Audette 9-80,
1he meat section in the CnP ood pyramid also is the repository or nuts and seeds, since those
are also chock ull o protein and healthy ats, and are ucking manly to eat. 1he paleo guy in me
says to aoid cashews, as they`re a member o the poison iy amily and are thus highly allergenic i
eaten raw, and may cause an allergic reaction een i cooked. Plus, they`re cheap bullshit that gets in
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
the way o good nuts like almonds and walnuts, which are two o the healthiest nuts. Seeds are also
a good bet or healthy oods, but sunnower seeds are estrogenic and should thus be aoided, as es-
trogen is the root o all eil ,Phytoestrogens,. I don`t include beans in this section because they`re
shitty sources o protein and generally diFcult to digest. 1hey`re Fne to eat, by and large ,and who
doesn`t loe peanuts,, but I`d aoid lima beans ,they contain cyanide, and soy beans ,they contain
soy,.
>%).$,( F6<<2$*$(.-0 1hough meat should be the base o your pyramid, I`m sure ew o us hae
the time to prepare pounds and pounds o meat eery day ,though I intend to one day be wealthy
enough to hae a Korean man ollow me around with a hibachi all day cooking bulgogi,. As such,
protein supplements are immensely important in the pursuit o athletic excellence, and I suggest
you use a blended protein to make up the dierence between your meat intake and your daily goal.
Blended proteins are nice because they come rom a wide ariety o sources, so they`re a more
complete source o aminos, and they gie you a steady release o protein oer time, reducing the
chance that you`ll become catabolic, and ensuring that you`ll be more satiated or a longer period o
time.
lor those whey-during-the-day adocates, whey does hae the beneFt o being a ery ast-acting
protein, in addition to the act that it`s high in L-Glutathione, which plays an important role in neu-
tralizing ree radicals and seres as a potent detoxiFer in the body ,Iy 126,. \hey is a good day-
time protein, but I Fnd that it`s in and out o my system too quickly, and leaes me hungry almost
immediately ater I drink it. lor this reason, I`m not a huge an.
As or whey as a totally necessary component o post workout nutrition, I beliee the strength
training community has been snowed by the supplement industry. \hey is a waste product o the
dairy industry- it`s thrown away as a byproduct o the cheese production process i it`s not pur-
chased by the supplement industry. 1heyè ound a way to make money o something the dairy
industry is really only too happy to gie away, and they`re making a mint. \hey concentrate and
whey isolate hae equal absorption rates- the only dierence between the two is that concentrate
has a lower total amount o protein per sering, because it`s not as pure as isolate. thus, unless
you`re lactose intolerant, concentrate is a ar better alue because it`s much cheaper per sering, by
and large. In terms o P\O, \lLN you take protein ater a workout is ar more important than
\lA1 you consume. In the 45 minutes ater a workout, muscle is tremendously sensitie to insu-
lin, which dries the rebuilding o muscle due to low insulin resistance. 1hus, it`s better to hae an
inerior protein within 45 minutes o your workout than to wait 2 hours to hae whey isolate when
you Fnally get your ass home. 1here could be up to an 85 dierence in absorption rates between
the time immediately ater your lit and the time when you chug a shake ater hollering at the slut
on the treadmill in the short shorts and driing home ,Iy 10,.
1bX3H FXc >KX"I3W. Soy contains isonaones, which hae been shown to hae an estrogenic
eect on the body ,they mimic the actions o estrogen, which means they could potentially inhibit
muscle hypertrophy,. \hile there`s no deFnitie eidence to show that soy protein is estrogenic, it
Page 234
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
is always recommended to menopausal women to alleiate the eects o menopause. 1his would
tend to indicate, anecdotally, that soy is highly estrogenic, as it`s recommended to women as an
alternatie to estrogen supplementation ,Iy 128,.
F)8 #)5 *6/# <%).$,( -#)627 9)6 +$ $'.,(Ea
I shoot or a bare minimum o 2g per lb o bodyweight. 1hat sounds excessie \ell, nothing
exceeds like excess, and I`m not in the business o coming up short on anything ,other than my
height, haha. luck you, I like being a midget,. lrankly, I`d much rather err on the side o too much
protein than too little, or a ariety o reasons.

nlirst, there might be a correlation between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein
diets show increased leels o sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it
rom becoming bioaailable ,Schuler 0-1,. 1his idea is not a new one, either- early egetarian diet adocates like
Sylester Graham and John Kellogg adocated their diets as a way to suppress sexual urges and masturbation.
nNext, lean protein has twice the thermic eect o ats or carbs. 1hus, the more you consume, the aster
your metabolism, because you`re burning twice the amount o calories you would with other oods simply digesting
the protein ,Cordain 1,.
nlinally, it`s diFcult to determine exactly what the precise necessary amount o protein one should con-
sume, owing to actors ranging rom biochemical indiiduality in amino absorption, muscle Fber building eFcien-
cy, rate and eFciency o protein digestion, etc. \our body`s excretion processes will adjust to suit your intake o
protein, so there`s really no reason ,outside o time,Fnancial constraints, NO1 to consume massie amounts o
protein ,Cordain 18, Lades 138,.
3 7)(B. *,(/$ 5)%7-000 3 d6-. *,(/$ <$)<2$0 3 2,?$ *9 5)*$( 2,?$ 3 2,?$ *9 /);;$$: E%)6(7
6< '(7 ,( .#$ ;%$$]$%0
lUCK 1lL USDA, PAR1 Z\LI
In our last installment o this exciting eature, I coered the oundation o the C&P diet, meat, ol-
lowed by the enerable and ubiquitous, irreplaceable protein supplements that are meat`s constant
companion. I will now attempt to knock out the rest o the pyramid, time permitting.
b$E$.'+2$-A
Lat them. I don`t ucking care i you don`t like them- that`s completely immaterial. 1he Brassica
amily,Broccoli, kale, mustards, brussel sprouts, bok choi, and caulinower, etc, are the kings o
eggies, due to the act that they`re anti-estrogenic ,the chemicals produced when indole-3-carbinol
reacts with stomach acid are the ones responsible or the anti-estrogen,, anti-cancer, Fber-rich, and
protein-rich badasses o the eggie amily. I there`s such a thing as a manly egetable goup, that`s
it. Cucumber is a good idea i you suer rom acid renux, as it alkalizes your system and is a super-
ood in the eyes o lenry Bieler M.D., author o lood is \our Best Medicine. Other than that, you
really can`t go wrong with egetables, but the Brassica amily, in all o it`s estrogen-battling glory,
should be the mainstay o your diet. As Iè stated beore, Fber is a BIG hole in the diets o most
people, and our RDA o Fber is still one Fth o that o Paleolithic people, so the Brassica ami-
ly makes great strides in closing that gap, since hal o the carbs in most o the members o that
amily are Fber. I don`t know about you, but shitting is one o the highlights o my day, so I`m all
Page 235
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
about my Fber.
\ou`ll note a corresponding lack o ruit in my diet. I`m not really anti-ruit. I loe blueberries in
particular, but I don`t eat much in the way o them. Nutritionally, berries are the best o the bunch,
but they`re still high in sugar. Iè recently been questioned about my hatred or ruit`, and my in-
sistence that ruit could potentially derail at loss eorts hae been met with incredulity, but there`s
science backing this contention.
Research rom the National Institute on Aging ,NIA, in Baltimore, Maryland, shows ruc-
tose is more lipogenic ,at orming, than any other sugar or starch. It also causes greater ele-
ations in blood ats ,triglycerides and cholesterol, than other carbohydrates. Lxcess ructose
consumption has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. Research
shows that those suering rom high blood pressure, high insulin, high triglycerides, non
insulin-dependent diabetes, and postmenopausal women are more susceptible to the negatie
aects o ructose than other indiiduals.
See, uckers In addition to berries, i you absolutely must eat ruit, make it non-tropical ruit like
apples, unless it`s enzymatically rich ruit that accompanies a heay protein meal, like papaya or
pineapple.
F.,*62'(.- '(7 "$-.)-.$%)($ @))-.$%-A
I loe them. \ou should, too. Stimulants hae been shown, deFnitiely, to improe sports peror-
mance, mental ocus, and energy leels. Additionally, they cause your body to release noradrenaline,
which stimulates the receptors in your at cells to metabolize all o that nasty at that`s the result o
late night beer and pizza smorgasbords,three hour cheat windows notwithstanding,.
1he use o caeine to improe sports perormance may date as ar back as the initial consumption
o berries containing methylxanthines. Many studies hae been conducted supporting caeine`s use
in sport, and bodybuilding.com oered this little nugget, as I am nowhere near my notecards con-
taining my research and want to knock this article the uck out today:
A recent reiew published by the International Coee Organization states that caeine at
leels ound in one cup o coee which is usually around 150 grams o caeine may be able
to both reduce the sensation o atigue as well as enhance exercise perormance.
1he most recent reiew ,Doherty and Smith 2004, looked at 39 published studies. O these,
inoled endurance exercise, some used short duration and high-intensity exercise and the
other remaining used a graded exercise test.
Including all the data, caeine improed perormance by 12.4, relatie to the placebo trials. 1his
was shown to greatest eect in those who undertook exercise or a longer duration at any one time.
Caeine and other stimulants hae also been used or centuries to improe mental acuity. 1hough
you might think that the use o No-Doz to kick the uck out o your physics Fnal is a relatiely
new phenomenon, it is in act as old as the hills. In act, caeine`s been used since the Stone Age,
and a 1916 lawsuit, 1he United States . lorty Barrels and 1wenty Kegs o Coca-Cola claimed that
the excessie caeine in Coke at a college or chicks turned them into wild nocturnal reaks, |and
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led to| iolations o college rules and emale proprieties, and een immoralities.` \es, caeine is
the tits. Studies hae shown that in itro application o caeine to rat neurons led to 33 growth
in their dendratic spines and the ormation o new spines as well, though this growth only lasted
two hours. Caeine has also been deFnitiely shown to increase actiity in the rontal lobe and the
anterior cingulate cortex, which improes both short term memory and attention span. 1hus, you
should include caeine, at the ery least, in your daily supplement regime. Added to ephedrine,
aspirin, and yohimbe, as I detailed here, it`s a at-annihilating ortex o thermogenic awesomeness
that makes Lipo-6 look like a jelly donut rom Krispy Kreme by comparison.
"$-. @))-.$%-A
I there`s one thing that the world needs more o at this point, it`s testosterone. \ell, testosterone
and dogs. 1here could stand to be more dogs as well, since dogs ucking rule as much or more
than testosterone. In any eent, with the cornucopia o phyto- and xenoestrogens to which we`re
constantly exposed, the world is seeing a spate o slutty little girls with tits, at men with tits, small
cocks, and generally a display o pussiness neer beore withnessed in the world outside o a eu-
nuch conention. Actually, uck that- I can think o one or two historical eunuchs ,Gang Bing and
Narses imediately spring to mind, who were more o a man than metrosexual ucktards like our
aorite plagiarizer, Nate Green.
In any eent, test boosters o one orm or another are a good idea- they`ll help you drop at, gain
muscle, and uck like a porn star. 1here are essentially three ways to go about this, which Iè de-
tailed at length in past blogs, here and here. \ou can boost test with Ll-enhancing shit like tribulus
terrestris and longjack, or replace it with prohormones,designer steroids,steroids. It`s up to you
which one you do, just make sure you do one or the other, and ollow my suggestions or using
enironmental triggers to jack up your 1 as well. I you`re going to go the prohormone,designer
steroid route, I highly recommend prohormones containing the ollowing:
nM1 4ADD. 25 o this compound conerts to Dianabol in your stomach
nSuperdrol. I you can Fnd it, Superdrol will likely gie you gains somewhere between Dianabol and Anandrol.
nDMZ. DMZ is essentially two Superdrol molecules jammed together. Unortunately, this does not mean it`s twice as
powerul as Superdrol, but you`ll slap on some weight with it.
\ou can get all or some o those at Nutrition \arehouse in Columbia, SC, or online here. I you
happen to go in there, pick Spud`s brain about training and diet- he`s the ucking man when it
comes to powerliting ,\PO world record holder in the squat, and bodybuilding.
=62.,4,.'*,(A
In my opinion, there`s one multi on the planet you should take: Animal Pak. It megadoses the shit
out o eerything you need, throws in a bunch o shit that`s o dubious utility but couldn`t hurt,
and has helped me keep my antioxident leels in the loly luck, you just broke my antioxidant
reader` range during extended periods o ketosis. it is, in short, the bomb. I you`re not eeling the
price, get a cheaper multi that still megadoses your antioxidants, like the Vitamin Shoppe brand
or GNC`s Mega Man. 1he key to discerning whether or not it`s a good itamin is whether or not
it smells badly enough to take paint o the walls. I it does, it`s good stu. I not, it`s too tightly
Page 23
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compressed to be digestible. \ou can also test them by dropping a tab or two into some Apple Ci-
der Vinegar, which bears the same pl leel as your stomach.
Some people might contend that the multi is unnecessary. Sure it is, i youè got the tightest, most
complete diet o all time. 1he builders at Baalbek would hae contended that one needn`t use mor-
tar to create lasting stone architecture as well. \ell, my diet`s macros are tight, but my micros are
lacking, and the multi is the mortar that holds the who ucking thing altogether. I`m betting you`re
more like me than Paul Chek, so just buy some Animal Pak, then hae a Coke and a smile and shut
the uck up.
My pain is constant and sharp...this confession has meant nothing.
ClLA1 MLALS: f Yov`re ôt Cbeativg, Yov`re ôt 1r,ivg
I beliee that scheduled cheat windows are absolutely necessary or the maximization o one`s met-
abolic and hormonal eFciency, and that to abjure their use is to consign one`s sel to both dietary
ailure and place one`s sel in jeopardy o going completely insane. I realize that there are a ew
ocal adocates o 100 clean eating out there, like Pauline Nordin, but rankly, I could gie a shit-
I`m not a competitie bodybuilder, and I can maintain mid-single digits bodyat with no problem
and no cardio utilizing scheduled cheat windows.
lirst, a bit o semantics. I initially belieed that the precepts I held regarding cheat meals were at
odds with those o John Berardi, whose opinion on all things diet I alue highly. Not so, it seems-
we merely disagreed semantically. Rather than rewrite his description o cheat meals, reeeds, and
planned oereeding ,as some o my ellow bloggers hae done, without giing credit where it`s
due,, I`ll simply cut and paste Berardi`s deFnitions:

nCheat meal ~ unplanned dietary transgression in which someone eats oods not on their diet ,and not con-
sidered clean`, and,or oer consumes these oods. Cheat meals are usually the consequence o getting hungry and
not haing good ood options aailable. An example o a cheat meal is being on the road and not haing a chicken
breast and egetable dinner aailable so you stop at a restaurant and eat a burger, ries, and a milkshake.
nPlanned oereeding ~ planned increase in calorie intake or a single meal. Planned oereedings usually oc-
cur when eating maintenance intake or aboe since this meal will probably bump your calories up aboe the mainte-
nance or habitual leel o intake. Planned oereedings can be carried out with excess amounts o clean` oods or
with other oods not considered bodybuilding riendly and are usually in place to allow time to eat un` oods so
that athletes don`t eel so depried as well as to help with recoery. An example o a planned oereeding is ordering
4 large pizzas or yoursel and 3 riends eery other Sunday aternoon when in the midst o a serious strength and
power phase.
nReeed ~ planned increase in calorie intake that lasts 8 - 12 hours and usually consists o a large increase
in carbohydrates. Reeeds usually occur when dieting and are planned in order to proide a brie day o psycholog-
ical relie as well as a number o physiological beneFts that we`ll discuss later. An example o a reeed is ollowing
a strict diet o 1500kcal 5 days per week and consuming 2500kcal o clean bodybuilding oods ,the additional kcal
coming mostly rom carbohydrates, on the other 2 days.
lrankly, it`s neer occurred to me to deFne an unplanned dietary transgression, because they`re
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nearly impossible to make i youè got a scintilla o willpower. I you don`t, stop reading this blog
and go back to playing with your Star \ars Fgurines and eating Cheetos while you wait or some-
thing, anything, to happen in \orld o \arcrat. luck my lie, that game is beyond boring. In
any eent, when I reer to a cheat meal or cheat window, it is the second, not the Frst, deFnition to
which I am reerring.
"#$ ?$98 .#$(8 ,- .#'. .#$-$ '%$ -/#$762$78 .,*$7 ';;',%-0 1hey should last only 3 hours at a
time, in my opinion, and they should occur one to two times per week. I plan these out in my head
prior to engaging in them, purchase whateer I need or them just beore doing so, eat my ucking
ace o, and toss anything that`s still extant at the 3 hour mark. No staring kids in Arica is go-
ing to be able to eat the two chicken Fngers you were unable to stu down your gullet, and they`d
likely cut your cock o or being a godless inFdel i they were around, so uck them. 1hat adage
is a pile o bullshit, and it will only sere to uck your dieting goals by tempting you while you`re
playing Call o Duty or when you come home hammered and staring at 4AM. Don`t stock up on
orbidden oods- when you need them, they`ll be easy enough to Fnd.
In re the duration and requency o your cheat windows, there are basically three schools o
thought on this:
ndon`t do it at all ,Chris Aceto, Pauline Nordine, and arious other psychotics,
ndo it twice a week at regular interals or 3-4 hours ,Lyle McDonald, \arren \illey,
ndo it once a week or the entire day ,same guys,.
Iè already addressed the Frst school o thought, so I`ll now hit the latter two. Obiously, I think
that cheat meals are essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks rom high at diets
will not hae an aderse eect on lipolytic actiity, and lipolytic actiity in people who take high
carb breaks rom high at diets are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet
,Saitoh,. As I adocate low carb diets, this is rather important. It becomes moreso when you
consider one o Dae Palumbo`s comments in re cheat windows, wherein he stated that i you
use a keto-diet, you`ll need to hae a cheat meal ,to spike insulin, at least once per week to keep the
thyroid unctioning normally.`
Also, as I stated in my preious blog on bulking, cheat windows speed the metabolism ,Matsu-
moto,, replenish your glycogen stores, ,Bowden, and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hor-
mones ,Poehlman,, in addition to proiding an awesome orced break rom clean eating ,\estrate,.
Gien that you`re reading this blog, I think it`s no mystery that I`m hyper-intense, slightly insane,
and not terribly amenable to long-distance, low intensity eents, which is what a cheat day would
be. lor those, most authors recommend that you keep your cheating airly reasonable, or you run
the risk o undoing a lot o the metabolic goodness youè created with your 6 days o dieting.
1hey also recommend those days or occasions wherein dieting simply isn`t easible, like taking a
trip to an amusement park, or some other day-long eent at which it`d be a pain in the ass or you,
and a major inconenience and annoyance to those around you ,mostly the latter, because no one
gies a uck i you hae eins on your abs but you,.
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In re the shorter, more intense cheats- that`s not to state that it`s a oregone conclusion that they`re
better, but the science ,cited aboe, seems to point in the direction o shorter, more intense cheats
in order to obtain the more extreme metabolic enhancements. Luckily, that`s my cup o ucking tea-
brie, ulgar, and going or the jugular.
1hus, in my 3 hours cheat windows ,which should always come on non-consecutie days, or you`ll
again run the risk o obiating the point o the exercise,, I eat as many calories as I can possibly
Ft down my gullet. I Fnd that I`ll generally hae a raised core temperature ,i.e. I sweat my ass o
while eating,, and more energetic, and eel like a giant killer robot with a 50 oot boner who shits
hundred dollar bills- that`s how I know that I`m getting the proper metabolic response. \hat do I
eat to achiee this sensation 1his sort o shit:
I^'*<2$ QA
1 Small Pepperoni and Sausage Pizza
10 piece Chicken Nuggets
Small, heaily buttered moie popcorn
I^'*<2$ SA
12 KlC lot \ings
Most o a Digiorno 3 Meat Pizza
lal a bag o Baked Runes or Low-at Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls
I^'*<2$ TA
Medium Papa John`s Spicy Italian Pizza
Cinnastix
Cheese Breadsticks
I^'*<2$ UA
20 Breaded Spicy Garlic looter`s wings
Large DQ Blizzard with leath Bars and Reese`s Peanut Butter Cups
As you can see, there`s a pattern- I literally eat or three straight hours, I ensure I start with protein,
and I eat whateer I want ater the protein. I I`m not eating, I eel like I`m missing out. 1hus, I
usually pick oods on which I can graze. 1here`s no metabolic reasoning or this- it`s just what I
like to do.
lor those o you who are about to throw Lyle McDonald in my ace, relax, Iè read the same shit.
lis contention is that during these structured reeeds, you should deFnitely not use the concept
as an excuse to eat yoursel sick or eat three times what you`d normally eat` ,McDonald 34,. I`ll
tell you this rom experience- the arther you get in a gien diet, the less you can consume in three
hours- it`s a matter o pure biology. 1hus, at the beginning o your diet, you`ll be able to eat more
during your cheats, which will likely slow your progress. It will, howeer, completely obliterate any
reason you`d hae to abandon the ucking thing. As you get urther along in your diet, and you
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start seeing deFnition you`d neer seen beore, or eins you neer thought you`d eer see, you`re go-
ing to naturally restrict yoursel on your cheats, or cut yoursel down to one balls-out cheat a week
and one minor one. I that doesn`t happen naturally or you, take McDonald`s adice. I, howeer,
like challenging mysel, and seeing how much ood I can Ft down my throat in 3 hours seres 3
purposes: physical, because I get the metabolic adantages listed aboe, psychological, because I
get all the oods I might want on a regular day at once, and emotional, because I eel satiated and
satisFed with my personal leel o success and reedom in my diet. Should you Fnd that your body
is not responding thusly, start putting the brakes on manually- treat it like you`re a blind man at an
orgy... you`re gonna hae to eel this one out.
",*,(EA
I usually choose to hae my cheat meals at night. lrom a insulin standpoint this is probably not
ideal, but rom a liestyle standpoint, I don`t care. 1here`s not enough o a dierence in hormone
leels between morning and night to justiy worrying about my insulin leels, and I Fnd that it`s
awesome to go to bed ull to bursting and hae the night to digest and bomb out my place in peace,
rather than orce mysel to eat a meal when it`s inconenient.
Some nutritionists beliee that pre-workout is the best time or a scheduled cheat window. Anytime
Iè tried to schedule a cheat meal early in a day and train later, howeer, I Fnd that my lit`s a disas-
ter, and I spend the majority o the time trying not to throw up or shit my pants, or both. As such,
eening cheats seem to be absolutely ideal, as I`m already operating in a caloric deFcit, so my body`s
sucking up nutrients, it Fts with social eents like going to the moies, and it allows me to digest my
massie innux o calories in bed, where blood can pool in my stomach and occur with a minimum
o disruption rom physical actiity. Additionally, it`s on this day that I`ll occasionally take the op-
portunity to drink absurd amounts o Jager or some other liquor, and I`m o the opinion that the
cheat meal both mitigates the possibility o hangoer and acilitates the assimilation o ar more
alcohol without negatie eect, in addition to dropping the glycemic index o sweeter liquors ,like
Jager,. I realize that some o you may be screaming but it lowers your test leels! SCRLLLLLL!`
Relax. According to a study published in 2003, leay acute alcohol drinking decreases blood tes-
tosterone in men due to an eect on the testicular leel`, which means that i you drink your uck-
ing ace o, your test leels will rise accordingly ,Sarkola,. A ar more in depth explanation was
proided by Patrick Arnold in Muscular Deelopment, in which he stated that alcohol consumption
gies a short-term testosterone boost due to the manner in which ethanol is processed by the body
,Arnold,.
1wo supplements that will increase the eectieness o your cheat meal are:
nLCA stack- It increases your thermogenesis anyway, but ephedrine alone can increase the thermic eect
o a meal by 30`,Berardi,. As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation o your eeding renzy
to ensure that you`re getting the optimal metabolic response to your oereeding.
nDigestie enzymes- Beore, during, and ater. 1rust me, they`ll help. I youè been eating clean, your
body`s going to hae something to say about what you`re eating, and it`s going to let eeryone in the room know
what it thinks about it. 1his should preent any non-alcohol-related pants-shitting, and keep you rom smelling like
youè shit them. Lastly, it`ll increase the absorption o the nutrients you`d so rudely and crudely stued down your
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raenous gullet, increasing the positie eects o that meal and hopeully negating any o the negatie ones.
One last word on this, which I also mentioned in my last bulking blog- don`t include these eeding
renzies i you`re not already lean. I you`re a atass, you don`t desere them rom a mental stand-
point and cannot really utilize them rom a metabolic one. As such, you`d be wise to steer clear
until you can see some abs. lor guys, this means under 15, tops. lor girls, that means... whateer
the emale equialent o 15 is. \e`ll call it 25-2. I you can see abs, hae at it- otherwise, wait
until you can. Additionally, i you Fnd that cheat meals are either not helping, or they`re actually
hurting, monkey with the timing, duration, and what you`re actually eating. I Fnd that at times I
hae a hell o a time leaning out using these i I`m not on an ultra-low carb diet or at least three
days out o the week and I`m eating massie amounts o both carbs and at during the cheat win-
dows. Make a note o what works and what doesn`t, and actually utilize that inormation.
Il \OU`RL NO1 ClLA1ING, \OU`RL NO1 1R\ING 2: trvctvre of Cbeat Meat.
In case you missed it, I outlined the necessity o cheat meals,ree windows in the Frst installment
o this series. 1o recap:
nthey should be done either once or twice a week at regular interals or 3-4 hours or once a week or the entire day.
nthey`re essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks rom high at diets will not hae an aderse eect
on lipolytic actiity, and lipolytic actiity in people who take high carb breaks rom high at diets are actually higher than those
who are on a high carbohydrate diet.
naccording to Dae Palumbo, i you use a keto-diet, you`ll need to hae a cheat meal ,to spike insulin, at least once
per week to keep the thyroid unctioning normally.` Also, as I stated in my preious blog on bulking, cheat windows speed
the metabolism ,Matsumoto,, replenish your glycogen stores, ,Bowden, and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones
,Poehlman,, in addition to proiding an awesome orced break rom clean eating ,\estrate,.

In that blog, I went into great detail as to why you should cheat, but only a bit into how to do so.
As such, it stands that a treatment on exactly how one should structure their diet beore, during,
and ater their cheat to maximize their results.
"#$ X4$%'22 H,$. F.%6/.6%$
1he oerall structure o your diet can play an integral part in the eFcacy o your cheat meals.
1hat`s not to state that the general structure o your diet, unless it`s an unabashed shit-show, is the
end-all be all o the utility o cheat windows, but the manner in which your cheat meal will ulti-
mately eect you changes with your oerall diet.
Any dieter who`s gotten into the game in the last ten years likely ollows a low carb diet o one sort
or another. lor the purposes o simplicity, I`ll separate them into the keto diet ,low,no carb, high
at, high protein, and the paleo diet ,low carb, low,low-moderate carbs, high protein, low,moder-
ate ats,. 1hough both o these diets can be altered urther by modulating the number o calories
eaten, I`ll generalize and state that, by and large, people on a keto diet eat more calories than people
on the paleo diet. It`s here that the primary dierence lies, and the root o what I consider to be
the key dierence in the manner in which the cheat meal will aect you. In paleo dieters, due to
the lower calories, they`ll see a much greater oerall eect on thermogenesis and the endocrine sys-
tem. lor keto dieters, howeer, the eect will lie in the other positie responses paleo dieters also
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will enjoy- greater thyroid response, insulin spikes, and replenishment o glycogen stores. Because
they`re ar more likely to be in a caloric surplus than the paleo dieters, keto dieters` thermogenic
response won`t be as great. lor this reason, it`s also ar more adisable and necessary or paleo
dieters to utilize two cheat windows a week than it is or keto dieters.
\arren \illey has a great analogy or a method by which dieters should iew carbohydrate con-
sumption. In it, he has his readers enision an empty cup in ront o them, which represents their
body`s ability to handle actie carbohydrates.
\hen that cup is hal ull, your body will utilize the energy rom the carbohydrates and the
energy rom at. As the cup approaches ullness, howeer, the body is more inclined to use
the energy rom the carbohydrates, and leae the at alone ,surialist response,. \hen you
eat too many actie carbohydrates, or you eat too many at the wrong time o the day, your
cup runneth oer` and that excess is stored as at! At the opposite extreme, when that cup is
empty, your body has little energy to perorm actiities o daily liing and exercise.`
1hus, \illey recommends periods o low or no ree carbs prior to a scheduled cheat window in
order to empty one`s proerbial carbohydrate cup or a reFll ,Z Diet,.
Ori lomekler`s \arrior Diet theory o oer- and undereating seems to coincide in many regards
with \illey`s theory, and alls in line with my anecdotal eidence. It seems that in all three cases, an
undereating phase, ollowed by an oereating phase, creates a highly anabolic enironment. Ori`s
cycle is on a much smaller scale, as he recommends a daily period o undereating that is nearly a
ast, ollowed by a large nighttime meal. Lxpanding his timeline, one sees that eating a paleo or
paleo-esque, lower calorie, low carb-high protein diet, ollowed by a large cheat meal, can elicit a
similar eect.
1hat eect is, in Ori`s words, that nutrients are assimilated at a greater rate, there is an acceleration
o the anabolic process o repairing tissues and building muscles` and all o the other shit I men-
tioned aboe. It is more necessary and eectie to use cheat windows in concert with paleo dieting
than keto dieting ,where a carb reeed could suFce as you`re likely not in a caloric deFcit,, cheat
windows are useul no matter which o the two you choose. lrankly, Iè got doubts i a cheat
does any ucking thing at all when utilizing an isocaloric diet, it might gie you a slight metabolic
boost i your calories are on the low side. I`ll leae that to the more adenturous,dietarily lazy
among you to decide, howeer.
"#$ =$'2 3.-$2;
Interestingly, lomekler and \illey agree in many regards in their suggestions or the structure o
cheat meals, in spite o the act that their oerall recommendations or dieting dier wildly. 1he
cheat meal,according to both authors, should hae its oods ordered so that you eat your bland
oods Frst, ollowed by more naorul oods, and should be eggies Frst, ollowed by proteins,
and ended with carbohydrates. \illey doesn`t actually gie any reasoning in the works Iè read,
but lomekler`s will sere- he thinks that the human body doesn`t tolerate eating oods that are
aggressie` in taste beore bland oods, and that conditioning yoursel to eat blander oods will
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reduce your craings or ast ood. Beginning, then, with eggies will prep your stomach to accept
more nutrients, Fght innammation, and proide ital enzymes to aid in digestion and elimination.
1hereater, you should eat your proteins and carbs, and both authors recommend that you include
as many naors, colors, and textures as you possibly can, as the more ariety you introduce in your
diet the better o you`ll be` ,\D 5 and B1S 61,. linally, both authors recommend that you stop
eating when you`re more thirsty than hungry, as this is a good indicator that youè eaten enough.
\hile these suggestions are great guidelines, they`re nonsense i you`re out with riends, hungry,
probably going to do a bit o drinking, and you`re out to enjoy yoursel. \hat ucking pub seres
egetables None at which I`d eer drink, that`s or ucking sure. As such, I personally do the ol-
lowing- start with protein, make sure that I`m consistently eating protein throughout the meal, eat a
couple o dierent things, and stop at exactly three hours. I`ll take digestie enzymes in addition to
multiitamins beore, during, and ater the meal to take care o assimilation, and Fnd that my diges-
tion o the ood generally goes o with little to no kickback rom my intestines as a result. Protein
is my primary concern at all times, een during a cheat meal, and all else ollows thereater. Once
Iè kicked o my meal with at least 40 grams o protein, I`ll ollow it up with a estial o carbo-
hydrates and calories the likes o which I consider insane, but upon renection are par or the course
or most Americans.

Iè listed a bunch cheat meals in my other blogs on the subject, but my recent aorites are gener-
ally something akin to Church`s Chicken ,a couple o spicy wings will do, as their wings hae 1,4 to
1,2 a breast attached to each, ollowed by hal a meat-loer`s pizza and then popcorn with butter
at the moies. In keeping with \illey`s recommendations in etter 1bav teroia., I make sure I eat
at least some spicy ood, as capsaicin helps increase metabolism,B1S 61,. Beyond that, I just eat
my ucking ace o and try to get as much protein as I can while I do it. A bit o quick calculating
tells me that with my aerage weekend cheat, I kick it o with 81g o protein ,900 cals total, and
ollow it with 60g o protein ,1480 calories, and then Fnish with 509 calories o at and carbs, or a
total o 141g o protein and 2889 calories.
\ou`ll notice that I eat my carbs last, which I do religiously. lor me, it seres a aluable purpose
outside o the nutritie quality- I make sure I eat my protein while I still hae room to do so. I
you wait until the end, you might Fnd youè got no room let into which to stu some protein,
and then you`ll be that jackass whose protein is low or no reason. \hen you eat the protein Frst,
it also sere to lower the glycemic load on your system, which is especially aluable i you`re eating
something sweet. linally, this will help keep your carbs to a manageable leel, so that your proerbi-
al cup won`t runneth oer` as the result o a single cheat.
I I hae a second cheat during the week, it`s usually something ar more tame, like haing high
protein pasta with extra-lean ground bee in marinara, and maybe some low-at cinnamon buns
or dessert. 1he second cheat meal occurs generally only i I`m doing a paleo or lower calorie
keto diet, or i I simply happen to be staring no matter what I eat during the day on 1uesday or
\ednesday. Remember, a cardinal rule o cheat windows is to hae them on non-consecutie days.
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
One interesting and compelling argument that inadertently supports my ood choices in cheat
meals comes rom the \arrior Diet. I just stumbled across it while researching or this blog, and I
thought I`d pass it along, as it`s metal as uck.
I strongly beliee that eating warm ood mimics the eect o a resh kill. A predator`s Frst
bite o its prey always tastes warm ,since this is a resh kill,. Scaengers, on the other hand,
who eat letoer corpses, enjoy the cold taste o the animal that was killed by a predator
beorehand. It`s my belie that when you eat and enjoy warm ood, it triggers the Preda-
tor Instinct, and those people who settle with cold letoers may trigger the Scaenger In-
stinct`,\D 65,.
M,(,-#,(E X6. "#$ H'9
Ori recommends drinking water and any tea that stimulates digestion` like peppermint, ginger,
green and chamomile`, which is great adice, I suppose, but it`s not really my primary concern. I
you ollow my adice, you shouldn`t hae any problem with digestion. I you`re a Brit, or a mem-
ber o some other wacky tea-drinking culture, by all means hae at it. Otherwise, just make sure
you drink enough nuids to slake your thirst but not leae you oerly ull- you`re still haing protein
eery three hours. 1his means you`re likely haing a shake three hours ater the conclusion o
your cheat meal. 1hat`ll keep your metabolism rolling and preent you rom consuming a second
massie meal later on. \ou`ll Fnd yoursel tremendously ucking hungry the morning ater a cheat
meal, and a middle o the night protein shake will sere you well in preenting your cheat rom
becoming a 24 hour aair.
F)8 .#$ *)%'2 ); .#,- -.)%9 ,- .#'. ,; 9)6B%$ (). /#$'.,(E8 9)6B%$ (). .%9,(E *).#$%;6/?$%-0
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
All it comes down to is this: I feel like shit but look great.
GL\COGLN SUPLRCOMPLNSA1ION & \LIGl1 MANIPULA1ION
M, Dige.tire 1ract ate. Me, vt oo/ .re.ove
1his is my method or making weight with diet and manipulating my weight ater weigh-in to crush
shit and ruin lies on the platorm. I you want my cutting methodology or shedding water speci-
ically, see ..vavce of v.avit, 1 and 2, and,or De.tro, tbe Oo.itiov. 1he method I utilize is actually
a trick utilized by bodybuilders to show up onstage as lean and dry as possible, while maintaining
maximum ullness. 1heyè got slightly dierent water manipulation methods, so i you`re interest-
ed in utilizing this or bodybuilding, you`ll hae to alter your rehydration.
Glycogen Supercompensation begins with a 5 day keto run, during which time you should not hae
more than 30g o carbs a day. A normal person would lose a considerable amount o water weight
during such a time, but I am once more an outlier and do not. Apparently, I exist in a near-con-
stant state o glycogen depletion, so I only lose about 5 lbs in a week. I end up ripped to pieces
though. 1wo weeks out rom a bodybuilding competition type ripped.
!@6. D'*,$8 3 #'4$ +$$( 2,4,(E 6(7$% ' %)/? '(7 #'4$ () ,7$' 5#'. E29/)E$( -6<$%/)*<$(:
sation is!
\ell then allow me to shed some light on the subject. Iè no idea which mad scientist Fgured this
out, but I read about it in two separate places simultaneously- etter 1bav teroia., by Dr. \arren
\illey ,which I lIGlL\ recommend,, and an article written ,I think, by Christian 1hibedeaux on
1-Nation ,the two methods are astly, astly dierent, which I just discoered by reading an article
on it. In any eent, one spends between 5 and 14 days on a keto run ,that is, running a constant
macronutrient ratio o about 50-0 lat, 25-45 Protein, and 5 Carbs,. 1he last day o the
keto run I only consume whey protein shakes, usually Isopure or Cytosport, to keep my carbs near
or at zero, limit my salt as much as possible, and ensure I hae nothing in my intestines ,shed eery
ounce o weight,. At 5 PM the night beore weighin, I stop eating and drinking completely, and
start my supercompensation literally the SLCOND I step o the scale.
So, at the end o the week, you hae a 24-48 hr supercompensation period. \iley explains the met-
abolic pathways in great detail, but in my carb-depleted state, I orgot the ucking book, so I will
relate the ormulae to you rom memory ,but here`s an article giing you a bit more background,.
I`m that good. le recommends a 36 hr supercompensation period, but I hae neer competed in
a meet with anything more than a 24 hour weighin, so or the purposes o this book we`ll just go
with a 24 hour supercompensation.
@'/? .) -6<$%/)*<$(-'.,)(0 3. +%$'?- 7)5( ,(.) .5) <'%.-0
PAR1 ONL- LIQUID CARBS ,0-12 lRS,
Lean bodyweight in kilos x 12 , 6 meals x 12 grams o carbs. 1hat`ll tell you how many grams o
carbs per eeding. 1hus, my eedings at my next meet will be roughly:
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
181x.95~12 lbs lean mass. I then diide by 2.2 or kg ~ 8.18
So, I then multiply my lbm in kg by 12 grams o ClO, and get a total o 938.18, and diide that by
6 meals, which gies me 156g o carbs eery two hours. lor these, he recommends taking them in
the most bio-aailable method possible- liquid. I, then, combine glycerine, salt, and creatine into
Gatorades and chug eery two hours. It ends up being a more or less continuous eeding, and I
premake my drinks the night beore to hae them ready. Per 12 oz Gatorade I add 5g o creatine, a
tablespoon o glycerine per 12 oz, and a teaspoon o salt.
PAR1 1\O- SOLID CARBS ,12-24lRS,
Same deal but hal o the carbs, and they are high-glycemic solid carbs ,I generally go with cereal,.
As a practical rule, I don`t ollow this tremendously strictly. I make sure I drink my Gatorades to
rehydrate completely, but I pretty much spend the day acing as many hamburgers and ries and as
much pizza as my stomach can handle. I always make sure to hae a high-calorie breakast the day
o the meet, loaded with salt, and keep drinking the Powerade Zero loaded with my cocktail and
eating Captain Crunch- I literally bring both with me whereer I go. Additionally, I always go to
the moies the night beore a meet and eat a large buttered popcorn as I chill, in an eort to jam
more salt and carb into me while I relax in a really cold room ,as you`ll be sweating like a rapist
rom your metabolism reing up to utilize the uel you`re giing it. 1he idea, here, is that the more
salt and water your cells are holding, the greater your power output is going to be. I you see a guy
who`s not eating at a meet, you can rest assured he`s haing a terrible ucking day- you must keep
your body ueled to ensure success, and the idea is to be as heay as possible on the platorm. Ob-
iously, you don`t want to eat yoursel sick, and I high recommend taking as much charcoal and di-
gestie enzymes as possible during your reeed, as your intestines will rebel ater your low carb and
dehydration period. \ou will, howeer, eel ucking phenomenal while you`re liting. I guarantee it.
Page 24
!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
And, Price adds, smiling, if another round of Bellinis comes within
' .5$(.9:;)). %'7,6- ); )6% .'+2$ 5$ '%$ E),(E .) -$. .#$ *',.%$ 7B )(
re. So you know, warn him.
NO1 SA\ING \OU SlOULD BLCOML AN ALCOlOLIC, BU1.
!e`re Kittivg 1be.e bot. i/e RP, .va 1bat`. !b, !e Ovttift 1be traigbteage Kia.
Alcohol consumption has, at least in the United States, been a contentious issue. At the risk o
beating the balls o a long dead horse, I will again ascribe responsibility or this issue to Christians,
as they are solely responsible or the deelopment o a teetotal moement in the United States
that`s neer really existed anywhere else ,sae or India, which shares a hatred o awesome with
Christian undamentalists,. 1he humorous aspect o that is, to me, that Jesus liked to party, so I`m
not really clear on where Christians deeloped the idea that Jesus was straightedge. Irrespectie o
how or why the Prohibitionists in the US deeloped that notion, howeer, they disregarded both
the words o their own holy book, eidence rom thousands o years o human history, and the
act that primates hae apparently consumed alcohol or the duration o our amily`s existence to
arrie at the conclusion that alcohol is the debbil`. Len tree shrews, which hae a higher brain
mass to body mass ratio than humans, drink their ucking aces o all the lie long day in the wild.
1hough not precisely primates, they`re prosimians, and are oten used as an alternatie to primates
in scientiFc studies. According to scientists, 1he pentailed treeshrew is considered a liing model
or extinct mammals representing the stock rom which all extinct and liing treeshrews and pri-
mates radiated. 1hereore, we hypothesize that moderate to high alcohol intake was present early
on in the eolution o these closely related lineages` ,\iens,. In act, scientists beliee humanity`s
loe or boozing is actually an eolutionary hangoer` rom our ruit-eating primate ancestors,ma-
ny o whom seem to hae had a tasted or ermented ruit. 1hat`s right- or those o you out there
who are eating a strict paleo diet, alcohol is deFnitiely paleo. Moreoer, as brewing has occurred
or at least the last 9,000 years, humans hae certainly adapted to alcohol consumption well enough
to obiate the arguments o teetotalers who contend that alcohol impairs athletic perormance, es-
pecially gien the act that some o the largest and most proliFc warriors in history are well known
or consuming prodigious amounts o alcohol on a regular basis. lor instance, 1acitus has this to
say about the only race o people to deeat the Romans completely on the Feld o battle and resist
their imperial aims- the Germanic tribes:
1o pass an entire day and night in drinking disgraces no one. 1heir quarrels, as might be
expected with intoxicated people, are seldom ought out with mere abuse, but commonly
with wounds and bloodshed. \et it is at their easts that they generally consult on the recon-
ciliation o enemies, on the orming o matrimonial alliances, on the choice o chies, Fnally
een on peace and war, or they think that at no time is the mind more open to simplicity o
purpose or more warmed to noble aspirations` ,Viking Answer Lady,.
Contrary to what one would think ater perusing any discussion about drinking and hypertrophy
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
on an American internet message board, the Germans were hardly sickly uckers- in act, they were
renown in the ancient world or being the biggest, strongest, scariest motheruckers on Larth. Ac-
cording to 1acitus, All hae Ferce blue eyes, red hair, huge rames, Ft only or a sudden exertion`
,Medieal Sourcebook,. the same goes or the cultural successors to the Germanic tribes, the Vi-
kings, who drank beer, ale and mead with alcohol concentrations o 9-10 and 8-18, respectiely
ery regularly, and had at least three instances o multi-day binge drinking per year associated with
estials. Likewise, the Scythians were well known or their use o cannabis and alcohol, the Mon-
gols drank ,and still drink, kumis as a nearly exclusie source o hydration, the Chinese hae been
drinking alcohol since 000 BC and hae dominated Last Asia or the duration, Indian warriors
began consuming an alcoholic beerage known as sura 5,000 years ago and hae dominated South
Asia the entire time, and Maya and Incan warriors consumed ast quantities o alcohol during the
span o their empires` reigns oer Mesoamerica.
F.%',E#. 6< '(7 )( .#$ %)/?-
=9 2,4$%B- #$22' -#).
M6/? '22 .#$ +%)- '(7 d)/?-
")(,E#. 3B* %)22,(B 5,.# .#$ /)<-
"#,- ',(B. () 1 '(7 I
C)(B. -$$ *$ )( ,(.$%4$(.,)(
F.%',E#. 1 -.67$(.8 #)()% %)22,(B8
F($'?,(E 4)7?' ,( 7$.$(.,)(
1hat`s all well and good, you might be saying, but those motheruckers are dead, probably o lier
ailure, and according to Bodybuilding.com`s genius posters, catabolism and low testosterone leels
,bet those uckers ucked chicks and jerked o too! Suckers! Killed their gainz and their empires
simultanously., Let us, then, examine some more modern examples o epic liters who were also
epic drinkers:
Arthur Saxon. 1hough he lited or two to three hours in the morning and oten perormed twice a night,
this legendary liter drank his ucking ace o daily. Claiming to hae been weaned on beer`, Saxon drank a
health drink consisting o a stout beer and a shot o gin with eggs and sugar added, and once drank 50 beers prior
to a perormance in Britain and still ailed to miss a lit ,Inch,.
Vasily Alekseye. \hen they were in the training hall sizing each other up Vasily was always gone only to
return ater hours. 1he other competitors slept in their beds like giant babes while Uncle Vasily` ran up and down
the halls drinking beer rom the case held under his arm while throwing bottles and Frecrackers in the other sleep-
ing giant`s rooms` ,Sorin,.
Daid Rigert. Like Alekseye, Rigert was a Russian Olympic weightliting phenomenon who was legendary
or his odka consumption and chain smoking habits.
Bulgarian Olympic weightliters. Anyone who has eer trained with these guys comes back with a six week
hangoer, as the Bulgarians apparently think water and odka are interchangeable or hydration.
lermann Goerner and the early 20th Century Germans. Many German gyms were not only places where
you went to improe strength, health and muscularity. 1hey were also social centers, places where riends met,
where you took your wie or girlriend. 1hey were, at the turn o the century and well into the 1920`s attached to a
beer garden or close to one.... Around the our walls o the gym were benches, and aboe them the sheles where
you kept your personal beer stein` ,Smith,.
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Norbert Schemansky. 1he angriest man eer to compete and win at anything at all, Mike 1yson included,
credited his success with a diet consisting o hamburgers, pizza, beer` and once stated that he drank so much Bud-
weiser would be his sole sponsor i he was liting today ,Green,.
C#$( '-?$7 5#9 #$ 7%'(? -) *6/# +$$%8 F/#$*'(-?9 #'7 .#,- .) -'98 !@$/'6-$ ;6/? 9)68
that's why.
I could go on at some length, because Iè rankly neer met an elite liter who didn`t like to drink.
1here`s actually a reason or this- elite competitors are much more inclined to indulge in risk-taking
behaiors than the aerage person ,Jacobs,. Additionally, exercise and drinking are ery positiely
correlated. 1he more you drink, the more you exercise, and ice-ersa. 1hough scientists hae no
idea why this is, they do know that exercise mitigates the damage done to the brain in binge drink-
ing, and that
`drinking is associated with a 10.1 percentage point increase in the probability o exercis-
ing igorously,` the authors write. More speciFcally, heay drinkers exercise about 10 more
minutes per week than current moderate drinkers and about 20 more minutes per week than
current abstainers.` Meanwhile, the authors continue, an extra episode o binge drinking
increases the number o minutes o total and igorous physical actiity per week or both
women and men`` ,Reynolds,.
\hile that might seem counter-intuitie to most people, it alls in line with what statistics show-
the countries with the highest per capita consumption o alcohol seem, almost inariably, to be
the countries that produce the best liters. lere are the top twenty six nations in the world or per
capita alcohol consumption and some o their strength sport ,Iè included the Olympic sports in
which strength plays a proound role, eats:
1. Moldoa- 2 bronzes in weightliting, 2 in boxing, 1 in wrestling, which isn`t bad or a country known solely
or car thet and corruption. Additionally, it`s only been a country since 1994, and boasts a population o
only 3.5M. In spite o those acts, the US was barely able to pick up as many medals in weightliting in the
same time rame.
2. Czech Republic- 1 siler in boxing. Only a country since 1993 and pop o 10M. As a part o Czechosloa-
kia, howeer, they pulled down 15 medals in wrestling, 8 in weightliting, and 6 in boxing out o a country
with a population o 13-15 million.
3. lungary- 20 medals each in boxing and weightliting, and 54 in weightliting though they only hae a pop-
ulation o 10M people. Clearly, drinking one`s ace o and boasting the genetic line o Attila helps on the
liting platorm.
4. Russia- 48 medals in wrestling, 26 in boxing, 26 in weightliting as Russia ,since 1992,, and 116 in wrestling,
62 in weightliting, and 51 in boxing as the Soiet Union. Additionally, Russians hold roughly hal o the
world records in powerliting and are capable o more eil per pound o bodyweight than any other group
o people in history, especially i homos are nearby. Vodka or the win.
5. Ukraine- 14 each in boxing and wrestling and 8 in weightliting since 1992 and home o \orld`s Strongest
Man winner Vasyl Virastuk.
6. Lstonia- 11 wrestling, weightliting, and 1 boxing medal in the Olympics, though it`s only been a country
since 1991 and has a population o 1.2M.
. Andorra- Not een a country, really. Not sure how the hell it made this list, as Iè taken shits larger and
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!""#$%&' )* !%"$%+,- !!! .$/+' 0'1+"
more interesting than Andorra.
8. Romania- 32 wrestling, 13 weightliting, and 25 boxing medals, in spite o the act they hae about 11 dollars
between all o the people within that nation`s borders and their country is Flled to the brim with destitute
ampires.
9. Sloenia- 3 medals in Judo since 1992 pulled down by a country that Fts comortably in my parents` back-
yard. \ugoslaia, howeer, which consisted o Sloenia, Macedonia, Bosnia and lerzegoina, and Croatia
had 16 wrestling and 11 boxing medals in 0 years o competition out o a population o 23M.
10. Belarus- 10 weightliting, 8 wrestling, and 2 boxing medals since 1992, plus they boast badass chick power-
liter Irena Pietroich in one o the ew countries still run by a psychotic despot.
11. Croatia- 2 boxing medals, one ery ucking badass Mirko Crocop, and the aorementioned Great Antonio
,in the last stew-roids blog,.
12. Lithuania- lome o \SM badasses ydrunas Saickas and Vytautas Lalas. Also 5 weightliting, boxing,
and 6 wrestling medals at the Olympics in under ten years.
13. South Korea- 20 boxing medals, 35 in wrestling, and 11 in weightliting, all in spite o the act that the coun-
try`s only been around or 60 years and has a Fth o the US`s population.
14. Portugal- Portugal sucks at eerything but drinking, apparently. \hen some o the people in that country
used to actually hae jobs, though, they did help discoer` the New \orld.
15. Ireland- 16 boxing medals in the Olympics, and birthplace o Glenn Ross, \SM competitor and powerliter.
16. lrance- 19 boxing, 1 wrestling, and 15 weightliting medals, though they seem to hae peaked quite early
and hae done irtually nothing o note in decades.
1. United Kingdom- lome o \SM winners Jamie Reees, Geo I hae ery butthurt ans` Capes, and
Gary 1aylor. 1heyè also boasted their are share o good powerliters, and 53 boxing, 1 wrestling, and
weightliting medals in the Olympics.
18. Denmark- 12 boxing, 8 wrestling, and 3 weightliting medals, plus the home and birthplace o one o the
ew people to uck Grace Jones and lie to tell the tale, Sen Ole 1horson..
19. Sloakia- 3 boxing, 5 wrestling, and one weightliting medal as an independent nation, but also contributed
to the badassery displayed in the ormer Czechosloakia.
20. Poland- lome o Marius Pudzianowki, Sebastian \enta, and Krzyszto Radzikowski, in addition to 43 box-
ing, 25 wrestling, and 32 weightliting medals, plus a partridge in a pear tree.
21. Austria- 1wo wrestling and 9 Olympic weightliting medals to their credit, in addition to being the birthplace
o Arnold Schwartzennegger, Roland Kickinger, and Manred loerberl.
22. Luxembourg- Barely a country and boasts a population o ten rich people and their menserants, but they
still hae a siler in weightliting and legendary strongman John Marx Grunn.
23. Germany- 22 boxing, 24 wrestling, 20 weightliting medals, and currently boasts badass Olympic liters Mat-
thias Steiner ,the dude who dropped seeral hundred pounds on his head at the last Olympics, and weight-
liting goddess Julia Rohde, who would hae been worshipped as a diety in 1940s Germany.
24. linland- Birthplace o some o the most legendary deadliters in history, \SM winners Janne Virtanen and
Jouku Ahola, and \SM runners-up Riku Kiri, Marko Varalahti, and Ilkka Nummisto.
25. Latia- lome o Konstantin Konstantinos and \SM competitor Raimonds Bergmannis. Nu said.
26. Bulgaria- 18 boxing, 68 wrestling, and 36 weightliting medals, in a country with three million ewer people
in it than New \ork City and roughly the same GDP as the state o Virginia. 1hat, my riends, is called
drinking your way to weightliting excellence.
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By contrast, the countries with the lowest alcohol consumption hae ery ew or no Olympic med-
als, no good powerliters, and no decent strongmen, in spite o the act that many o them haing
comparatiely massie populations- I`m looking at you, Bangladesh. Does this mean drinking con-
ers great strength Certainly not, but it does point to a ery interesting correlation. \hile we`re
on the subject, though,

nposL workouL consumpuon of 70-80g of alcohol had no eecL on LesLosLerone, leuunlzlng hormone, corusol, or
any oLher endocrlnologlcal lndlcaLor of recovery or hyperLrophy (kozlrls)
nposL workouL consumpuon of 60-90g of alcohol had no eecL on sLrengLh (oulsen) or recovery (Clarkson)
nalcohollcs have beuer body composluon Lhan non-drlnkers (AddoloraLo)
So, where does this put us Squarely in the tell the 16 year olds on the internet to spend more
time liting and less time debating pointless minutiae` section o the library. I you`re going to be
a Billy Badass, you`re likely going to be a badass drinker as well. 1he two seem to go together like
peanut butter and ladies, Chinese ood and chocolate pudding, and cocaine and wanes- while you
can hae one without the other, you`re not bloody likely to. 1hus, it might be time to grab your-
seles some Deotion odka ,it`s got 2 grams o casein protein per shot, and head down to the
gym or a bit o the old anything you can do I can do better drunk as a ucking lord`, because
there`s nothing like a drunken, impromptu strongman competition to get the ol` blood nowing.
Just bear in mind there`s a reasonable chance you might die, and try not to ,that`s my legal disclaim-
er or when you parents try to sue me oer your corpse,.
CONCLUSION
1here you hae it, olks. In all o its meandering, bizarre, spastic wonderulness, eerything I
know about diet and dieting. \hat you do with this inormation is entirely up to you- I`m all about
leading horses to water, not holding their ucking heads under and orcing them to drink or drown.
\ou will either utilize this inormation to become awesome or shele this shit or a rainy day and
realize when you read it that you`d wasted years by neglecting a massie part o training that could
hae ultimately spurred you onto glory. 1he choices you make are yours- just make them and
ucking own them. Now go make a pot o stew, bring it into the gym, and ace that shit while you
make PRs all like irgins` panties when Chris lemsworth enters the room.
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Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB
grams of protein
per serving
number of
servings
grams of protein
per container
price per gram
protein
net impact carbs
per serving
Filler- Taurine and/or
Glycene >1.5 g
CSN 20 179 $8.95 24 359 8616 0.021 2 n
CSN 10 76 $7.60 24 142 3408 0.022 2 n
MMI 5 41 $8.20 22 76 1672 0.025 4 n
MGM Pure Iso 5 62 $12.40 30 76 2280 0.027 1 n
CSN 3 29 $9.67 24 43 1032 0.028 2 n
Elite XT 4.43 36 $8.13 21 61 1281 0.028 4 n
Matrix 5 49 $9.80 23 71 1633 0.030 2 n
Gold Standard 10 116 $11.60 24 149 3576 0.032 4 n
Elite XT 2.2 21 $9.55 21 29 609 0.034 4 n
Giant Protein 5 62 $12.40 27 63 1701 0.036 3 y
MGM Pure Iso 2 29 $14.50 30 25 750 0.039 1 n
Oh Yeah 2.4 30 $12.50 32 24 768 0.039 6 n
Matrix 2 27 $13.50 23 30 660 0.041 2 n
Perfect Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 32 704 0.040 2 n
Elite Gourmet 5 52 $10.40 21 62 1302 0.040 6 n
Combat 4.6 51 $11.09 24 52 1248 0.041 4 n
Iso-100 5 84 $16.80 25 81 2025 0.041 0 n
Elite Gourmet 2 25 $12.50 21 28 588 0.043 6 n
Gold Standard 3.33 50 $15.02 24 48 1152 0.043 4 n
MMI 2 22 $11.00 22 23 506 0.043 4 n
Isopure 3 48 $16.00 50 22 1100 0.044 0 n
Oh Yeah 4 52 $13.00 32 37 1184 0.044 5 n
Gold Standard 2 31 $15.50 24 29 696 0.045 4 n
Pro Complex 4.6 75 $16.30 60 28 1680 0.045 3 n
ProSupps 4.4 78 $17.73 20 87 1740 0.045 0 y
Hexapro 3 35 $11.67 25 31 775 0.045 6 y
Myofusion 5 64 $12.80 24 58.2 1396.8 0.046 8 n
ABB Pure Pro 4.5 55 $12.22 20 60 1200 0.046 5.5 n
Fusion 7 5.16 56 $10.85 23 53 1219 0.046 6 n
Pro Antium 4.74 68 $14.35 29 50 1450 0.047 8 n
Syntha-6 10 101 $10.10 22 97 2134 0.047 11 n
Appendix A: Chart of well known protein powder brands with their cost in US dollars based of a fxed
markup from wholesale cost.
Monster Protein 5 48 $9.60 25 40 1000 0.048 12 n
Nitrotech 4 73 $18.25 30 50 1500 0.049 1 y
Pro Complex 2.3 42 $18.26 60 14 840 0.050 3 y
Iso-100 1.6 33 $20.63 25 26 650 0.051 0 n
Performace Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 25 550 0.051 9 n
iForce Protean 4 54 $13.50 20 53 1060 0.051 5.5 n
Protizyme 5 83 $16.60 25 65 1625 0.051 2 n
Carnivor 2 33 $16.50 23 28 644 0.051 0 n
Monster Milk 4.13 62 $15.01 50 24 1200 0.052 8 n
Monster Protein 2 26 $13.00 25 20 500 0.052 12 n
Fusion 7 2.91 36 $12.37 23 30 690 0.052 6 n
Beast 5.16 63 $12.21 20 60 1200 0.053 9 n
Nectar 2 41 $20.50 6 130 780 0.053 0 n
Syntha-6 5 56 $11.20 22 48 1056 0.053 11 n
Monster Milk 2.06 32 $15.53 50 12 600 0.053 8 n
Nitrotech 2 40 $20.00 30 25 750 0.053 1 y
Combat 2.3 34 $14.78 24 26 624 0.054 4 n
Syntha-6 2.91 36 $12.37 22 30 660 0.055 11 n
Myofusion 2 31 $15.50 24 23 552 0.056 8 y
Hydro Whey 3.5 68 $19.43 30 40 1200 0.057 2 n
Syntha-6 Lean
Dessert 1.38 22 $15.94 21 18 378
0.058
7 n
Muscle Milk 4.94 62 $12.55 16 64 1024 0.061 7 n
Protizyme 2 40 $20.00 25 26 650 0.062 2 n
Muscle Milk 2.47 32 $12.96 16 32 512 0.063 7 n
Hydro Whey 1.75 38 $21.71 30 20 600 0.063 2 n
VPX Protein 2 30 $15.00 20 23 460 0.065 14 n
Ultramet 0.169 3 $17.75 42 1 42 0.071 19 n
Muscle Milk 1.65 26 $15.76 12 30 360 0.072 6 n
iForce Protean 2 35 $17.50 20 24 480 0.073 5.5 n
Muscle Milk 3 50 $16.67 12 56 672 0.074 6 n
Ultramet 0.169 2.75 $16.27 35 1 35 0.079 4.8 n
Ultramet 0.169 2.5 $14.79 25 1 25 0.100 16 n
Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB grams of protein number of grams of protein price per gram net impact carbs Filler- Taurine and/or
$5-10 $15.01-20
$10.01-15 $20.01+

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