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The Greatest Guy Movies to Help You Feel Better

The Greatest Guy Movies to Help You Feel Better

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Published by oleevaer
The Greatest Guy Movies to Help You Feel
The Greatest Guy Movies to Help You Feel

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Published by: oleevaer on Mar 20, 2010
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07/13/2010

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The Greatest Guy Movies to Help You FeelBetter
The former editor of the Saturday Review was blessed by a miracle 37 years ago: WatchingHarpo Marx goose showgirls with a bike horn saved his life.When Norman Cousins was hospitalized with ankylosing spondylitis—a debilitating arthriticdisease that immobilizes you—he decided he wasn't going to spend the last 6 months of his lifebeing prodded by box-shaped nurses in orthopedic shoes. Instead, he left the hospital andbunked down in a hotel, where he assembled his own 1964 version of Comedy Central. Hewatched Candid Camera and Marx Brothers films, laughed like an idiot, and—despite his doctor'sforetelling of a pine box—gradually recuperated. In his 1979 memoir, Anatomy of an Illness,Cousins summed it up: A funny movie is potent brain medication—one that can ease pain, curethe body, and possibly send healing endorphins through your veins.The medicinal powers of great movies rival anything approved by the FDA. Painkillers,amphetamines, tranquilizers, antidepressants, cinematic Viagra—they're all available for rent at$3 a dose. But which movies can help you heal? Following are my personal celluloidprescriptions for 26 common male ailments—flicks from the doctor's bag of one cinemaphiliac.
To Cure Premarriage Cold Feet
The nerve-racked state that arises from deliberating your next 50 years calls for a solidafternoon of film therapy. First watch
A New Leaf 
('71), with Walter Matthau. It's a classiccomedy about an aging, destitute playboy who's desperate to marry a wealthy woman in 30days. It'll let you see another guy who loves his freedom but is forced to consider shacking upbecause it'll be distinctly good for him. Second comes
Arthur
('81), to let you conjure your ownfantasies of being the whim-driven, giggling drunk we'd all like to be, at least on weekends.
Third is Diner
('82), for the contemplative gab on marrying another human being.Notice there are no romantic kissy-screwy films here. You don't need movies that slap you in thehead with potential rewards—that's why you proposed. You need to euthanize your fears abouthaving sex with only one woman for the rest of your life. If those fears still linger after theabove trilogy, add in
Birdman of Alcatraz
('62) with Burt Lancaster; given an interestingsubject, you'll have a universe to discover within your four walls. Then click on
Let It Be
('70). Ifyou think hanging with your buds for another 10 years will be as fun as it's always been, watchthe Beatles bleed their death throes.
To Seduce Your Wife
One of her romantic flicks will just highlight your shortcomings, and her aversion to even softporn probably got you into this no-sex mess. So go under the radar. Rent
Yesterday, Today andTomorrow
. In this '63 Italian classic, Sophia Loren makes Tyra Banks look like Dog Chow. Thestriptease she does for Marcello Mastroianni is worth 10 porno tapes. The lust between the duois infectious, which is why they made about 30 million films together.
 
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One of the film's vignettes explores the chore it can be to have a sexually insatiable wife, evenif she's the number-one yank fantasy of men everywhere. That irony should jumpstartlighthearted pillow talk on how much sex, at least for one of you, just ain't enough.
When Your Wife Has Cheated 
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
('74) is tempting, but instead rent
Inferno
, a 3-D movie from1953. (Or look for the 1973 TV remake,
Ordeal
, on cable.) A conniving wife conspires with herlover to leave her husband to die in the desert. Most men in his situation would become buzzardjerky. A few would not. Where do you fall?
When You Have a Cold Sore
Freaks
('32). The cast of heinously disfigured humans who could eat only by working in circussideshows kept this fascinating film banned for decades. Most of these wretches lived livescollecting hurtful gawks and gasps from strangers afraid to come too close to them . . . and youcan relate to that right now. Bad as it seems, your lip boil should be gone within 2 weeks—unlike that guy's coned skull.
To Seduce Your Girlfriend 
Push in a smoker to plant some filthy ideas, and the subliminal message—what have you gotagainst five-on-one in the hot tub?—might have you staring at a locked front door. Better toattack her blind side by keeping it light.Throw some sexy stupidity in the DVD player: Rent
Faster
,
Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
, a campy '65classic about three big-breasted broads who go on a violent tear in the desert. The shaking-camera breast shots and unapologetic corniness of the flick go down easy with white wine, andit'll encourage the type of silliness that eventually inspires flying panties.
To Seduce Your Female Friend 
If her IQ is above 70, don't invite her over to watch sap-fests like
When Harry Met Sally
('89) or
Can't Buy Me Love
('87); she'll see through it. You might consider
Chasing Amy
('97) if she's nota woman who'll vomit during Ben Affleck's estrogen-curdling monologue to Joey Lauren Adams.
Cape Fear
('62) with Robert Mitchum is a sneakier backup. This psycho-killer film sounds like adusty classic ("Wait, you've never seen the original?"), but it'll have her wetting herself. Swoopin with the arm.If, as is typical, she sees you as the sexless schmo next door who holds no mystery, rent
CityLights
('31). Read the box so you're familiar with the story. (Charlie Chaplin's little tramp falls inlove with a poor blind girl, but is too ashamed to reveal his loser self to her.) Stay quiet duringthe closing scene when the laughing, formerly blind girl touches Chaplin's hands, at firstdismissively, then with excruciatingly slow, poignant realization of who he is. Rewind that sceneand play it again. Kiss her. If she doesn't kiss you back, she's unfit to bear your children.
 
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If Your Seducing Hasn't Worked 
Your DVD player has already proved its value during dry spells. Now watch a movie that doesn'trequire drawn shades, one that'll imbue you with the right philosophy
Pal Joey
('57). It'sSinatra in the swinging '50s, coming out of the worst years of his actual life, whistling fromempty taprooms to lonely hotels, all with an earned smirk that says, "If nothing else, at least Iget to hang around with me."Make that an appealing proposition. Read more. Run farther. Travel widely. You can either boreyourself or sincerely enjoy your own company; both are contagious.
 After Getting Dumped 
The road from suicidal moaner back to vertebrate life has never changed, but you can travel it500 times and always forget the way. Rerent
Swingers
('96). But to see how it should be done,toss
Casablanca
('42) on the counter, too. Pretend it's an obscure flick you've never heard of,one no one has ever recommended to you before. Tough guys cry, because they have to maketough choices. Meet Rick.
To Stick It to Your Ex 
She wants to be friends? Invite her over and have
Titanic
cued to a few minutes before the shipcrumbles in half. Click on the video and say, "Uh-oh, I forgot to return this" (after you watchedit with whom, she'll ponder). As DiCaprio bites it and your ex is sappily wondering if anybodywill ever love her that much, tenderly whisper, "On our happiest day, when everything wasperfect . . . I still wouldn't have given up that hunk of wood for you." Watch expression change.
 After 6 Hours of Bra Shopping
You're entitled to Sorority Torture Chamber and the unabridged Three Stooges collection, butgrab
The Big Sleep
('46). Bogey as detective Philip Marlowe and a hot-as-hell Bacall. The filmoozes bull-milk straight through to the credits. Your penis will regain its lost half inch by thesecond reel.
To Ensure She Misses You
Have her watch
Bad Ronald
('74). Really, there's no psychotic teen living in the walls of yourhouse. It's just a movie.
When You Need to Bulk Up
American Beauty
('99). Some regular sessions in the garage with dusty vinyl weights sent KevinSpacey from a spaghetti-armed sofa slug to a man actually capable of taking his shirt off inpublic. It's the only believable thing in the movie for a reason: It's doable. Unlike Mena Suvari.

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