Many arguments between couples stem from simple misunderstandings based on different

communication styles. For example, women often want to vent, and a man will often
misinterpret this by thinking he's meant to find a solution. Likewise, women sometimes
misinterpret what it means when a man says nothing at all. Often, men need to work through a
problem in silence, and women can misread his actions to mean he simply does not want to talk
to her. Are Gender Differences A Myth?

Better understanding how men and women think and speak can help us have better-functioning
relationships. Here we've asked three YourTango Experts to sound in on some of the most
common misunderstandings between men and women, and what we really hear when the
opposite sex talks.

1. Men Ask, Women Hint

Men are socialized to make direct requests, while women are socialized to put others' needs
above their own. How does this play out in relationships? Women often expect men to read their
minds and know what they want without actually telling them. If women can ease into asking for
what they want instead of leaving their guy to guess, they'll get much more of it with no mind-
reading necessary.

2. For Women, It's In The Details

When she says, "Do you remember that sweater I wore on our second date?"
He hears her say, "If you cared, you'd remember!"
Women have an amazing memory for details, and they're more sentimental than men. Women
should keep in mind that men don't remember details as well because of differences in how they
process information, not because they don't care.

3. Problems: Listening Vs. Solving

When a woman has a problem, a man offers solutions. Often, she's simply looking for
understanding and validation. And a woman tends to give men what she'd want: a shoulder to cry
on, which is often the last thing he wants. As a rule of thumb: men should offer women
compassion first and then help, and women should offer men help first and then compassion.

4. Men Compartmentalize, Women think "big picture"

Women and men don't think the same way—maybe you've noticed. Men compartmentalize,
mentally and emotionally separating work, relationships, etc. Women think "big picture,"
connecting all the aspects of their lives.

For women, when he seamlessly switches gears from your serious conversation to the football
game, it's not that he doesn't care about the conversation. For men, it's good to remember that her
brooding over things and bringing up the past doesn't mean she's trying to nag. It's just the way
her mind works—connecting one event to another.
5. She Says Too Much; He Says Too Little
When a woman feels stressed, she wants and needs to vent. In fact, she often will verbally recall
every single horrific detail about her job, her overwhelming schedule and her family. She often
uses dramatic words or phrases like "He always…!", "We never…!", "How could
you/she/they…!". When a woman reacts like this, it's best to remember that it's just like a valve
on the pressure cooker.

MEN: Now's not the time to get defensive, but to help her release that steam a little bit at a time,
by responding with empathy and questions that further encourage her to talk it out. Once she
feels her emotions have been heard and understood, then she immediately starts to feel better.

However, when a man is feeling stressed, he often stops talking altogether for a period of time.
He just wants to chill out with the TV or computer or hang out alone in the garage/basement/man
cave to forget his problems. A woman's natural instinct is to ask him probing questions to find
out what she did wrong or why he doesn't want to spend time with her.

WOMEN: Now's not the time to feel rejected, but to give him the space he needs to relax on his
own. It's best to focus on things you can do to make yourself feel good in the meantime, so when
he does ascend back into the light, you'll be feeling happy and excited to spend time with him.
Which Love Language Do You Speak?

—Dr. John Gray, Psychologist

6. Women Like Reminders

He thinks, "I'm committed to her, she knows I love her."
She thinks, "What has he done to show me he loves me today?"
It is not necessary to reassure her that he loves her every hour, but he shouldn't assume that a
gesture of love last month is fresh in her mind today. He should continue to do the nice little
things he did while he was pursuing her.

7. Men Are Emotional, Too

She thinks men are not emotional.
The truth is that most men are very sensitive and have deep emotions; they are just not always
comfortable showing them. A woman should never assume that her man doesn't feel things like
hurt or rejection. He feels more than you know. But don't assume you know how he feels. The
best practice is to ASK HIM. But avoid overly emotive phrases like, "Did that hurt your
feelings?" Instead try, "Did it bother you when that happened?"

8. "Are You Even Listening?"

She says, "You never listen to me."
He thinks, "She talks all the time, and all I do is listen."
All he really has to do is give some verbal cues to indicate he is paying attention such as,
"Really, I didn't realize that." He can also ask questions about the content of what she is saying to
let her know he is listening. It's also OK to tell her when he is focused on something else,
"Honey, I really want to hear what you are saying, can this wait until I finish this page?"
9. Couch Night Can Be Date Night!
He says, "I'm wiped out, let's just stay in and relax."
She thinks, "He'd rather stare at the TV than be with with me."
It's helpful for women to remember that sometimes their man just wants to be with them and
relax and they don't have to do anything or even interact a lot. It's okay to JUST BE. A woman
who is comfortable just BEING (and not always doing) is very attractive to her man.

10. I'm Independent, But I Still Need Your Help

She says, "I'm capable of doing that myself."
He hears, "She doesn't want my help."
This can be confusing but most women, no matter how strong and capable, still love to be "taken
care of" by their men, in one way or another. Women are taking care of others all the time. Tell
her that you know she can do it herself but that you love to do things for her so she can take it
easy. America's Most Chivalrous Cities

Rejection and criticism arise because of one word: fear. When we are in a state of fear in a
relationship, the twin towers of negativity—rejection and criticism—become an embodied part
of the couple. 

We respond to fear negatively because it's not productive. It's "our stuff" that we don't want to
own, so we attribute it instead to our partners. The blame game is a very convenient way to avoid
responsibility of owning up to our own fears. Breaking that habit means that each partner needs
to sensitively refuse to engage in these projections and step back.

Fight criticism with compassion

When criticism arises, give it some air, think it through and don't react immediately. Try to look
at the situation with compassion. Is my partner afraid at this moment that I will abandon him/her
and is lashing out? This is often at the basis of rejection and criticism. Many people in
relationships play the "I'm going to reject you before you reject me," game. Rejection Fear Extra
For Good-Lookers

Rather than combat this fear with anger, turn it around. Ask your partner if they are frightened or
if something you did or said made them feel small, insignificant or alone. Compassion and
empathy are surprisingly effective when two people are locked in a painful pattern. It diffuses the
situation, slows it down and gives everyone a chance to be really heard—through the heart and
soul—which is what we all want really in the end.

What your partner really wants is for you to truthfully understand them and their feelings. If you
are approaching your relationship by trying to "win" arguments or "be right," you are guaranteed
to fail. A relationship is about playing on the same team, not digging in and scoring points.
—Rebecca A. Roy, Counselor/Therapist

Where do rejection and criticism come from?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the relationship water, your new love tells you
"things just aren't working out." Or your partner offers you an unsolicited critique of the way you
handle the kids or a project at home. Why do rejection and criticism feel so devastating, when
minutes earlier you felt on top of the world? How can you weather the storms of rejection and
criticism without lashing out or shutting off all feeling?

The fear of rejection goes back to the earliest days of the human race, when to be excluded from
the clan was to face death from starvation or predators. Although we no longer deal with such
threats to our basic survival, it is hardwired into us at a genetic level. In families where a child
feels cared about and relatively safe to express feelings and ideas, that develops into a sense of
security and confidence as a person. But if that wasn't the case in our family, that could set us up
for continuing sensitivity to perceived rejection, with possible reactions that may appear out of
proportion to the event. In other words, you may seem to others to be overreacting. In this case,
your own responses may now be making the situation worse

How can we respond in a way that leaves everyone emotionally "intact"? To start with,
remember that if you are feeling a certain way, then the other party may be sharing a similar
sensitivity. Give them the "benefit of the doubt." This will help to reduce automatic knee-jerk
reactions in the heat of the moment. More importantly, begin now to build your own positive
self-esteem by focusing on your own unique virtues. When we behave in ways that we respect,
then our self-respect grows, and so does our esteem of ourselves. Adopting a philosophy of "live
and let live" allows the other person to operate freely, in the same manner you want for yourself.
In the end result, we can allow others the same freedom we allow ourselves.
—Avis Attaway, Counselor/Therapist

Stop the criticism cycle

Research in the journal Personal Relationships, 2010, suggests that criticized partners see the
other as hard and controlling, and are likely to responded in a similar manner. In other words,
criticism creates a vicious, critical cycle.

So how can we bypass this automatic trigger and act with grace and dignity?

1. Recognize feeling of hurt and express your pain in words. Research indicates that words calm
the emotional brain and bring clarity to the interaction, making it more likely to end in an
understanding. When a partner criticizes, rather than jumping to criticize in return, express how
that perceived attack made you feel.

2. Realize that your partner must be feeling bad to have made that critical remark. Understanding
the pain your partner must be feeling to have delivered a painful remark opens the door to
sharing, not accusing, demanding or blaming. He Thinks Your Feedback Is Nagging

3. Invite your partner to open up about his/her sense of being neglected. Getting your partner to
open up about his/her vulnerability means you can share your own vulnerable feelings, too.
—Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Counselor/Therapist
Find us a long-term relationship that's never experienced conflict, and we'll check the sky for
airborne pigs. The feelings of anger and disappointment we feel when a loved one seemingly
wrongs us can be consuming, even uncontrollable. But anyone who's lost his/her temper can tell
you: getting angry and getting revenge never pay off; they never make us feel better, in the long
run.

YourTango Experts teach us how to distinguish between emotion, thought and action—and how
to get control and keep anger from destroying a perfectly imperfect relationship.

Ask Yourself: What Is This Argument Really About?

As cliché as it may sound, relationships take WORK. They DO. That's because any adult
relationship will always be the perfect "landing pad" for our past or what I like to call: our
childhood "unfinished business." When unfinished business leaks its way into our current-day
relationship, the result is irrational conflict within a couple. This is when the feelings take over
thoughts and we become unable to think rationally about the situation. Love & Anger: How To
Fight Right

Let's say the way a partner wronged you is about equal to the size of a soccer ball, but your anger
feels like the size of a truck. That's a clear sign that something from your past is being triggered.
So from there you need to ask yourself, "What is this REALLY about? Is my anger really about
the fact that my wife accidentally ordered me the wrong dinner? Or is this really about how
incredibly invisible I felt to my mother as a child?" If you're still having a difficult time
understanding the nexus of your feelings, ask yourself, "What am I feeling in my body?" Are you
experiencing a headache? Does your chest feel an immense amount of weight? Is your stomach
in knots? If you're disconnected to the meaning of your emotions then chances are you may be
storing it in your body. Use your body as a resource for understanding you.

Once you're able to connect with what the intense feelings are really about, then you're in a much
better place to communicate your present day feelings to your partner in a mature, productive
way. If you still find yourself struggling to make a connection, then simply pause before
interacting with your partner. Just because you have a feeling, doesn't mean you HAVE to act on
it. Sit with the feelings. Sleep on it if you need to. Give yourself the space to connect with you
first. Only then will you be able to have a productive discussion with your significant other.
—Carin Goldstein, Counselor/Therapist

3 Reasons You'll Regret Revenge, Sweet As It Seems In The Moment

Burning her clothes. Emptying his bank account. Supergluing a certain 'member' to the inside of
his leg…

We know relationships can be a force of heated emotions; but is getting revenge the productive
or wise way to channel your anger? Contrary to what your emotions may be telling you, the
answer is a definitive "no." Here's why:
1. Acts of revenge will cause you to lose respect for yourself in the aftermath. When your
rage/anger settles down (and it will, guaranteed), you WILL judge yourself for your conduct
during this time. And if you've behaved in an uncharacteristically cruel or mean way, feelings of
shame, guilt and regret shall next be in hot pursuit of you.

2. Revenge is but an illusion of a quick fix. I KNOW that in your imagination it feels good to
do something now – to lash out, reciprocate the pain, and damn well give him what he deserves.
But revenge will NOT instantaneously make your pain go away like it wants you to believe. In
fact, inflicting pain only ensures you'll experience similar pain, again, in the future.Getting
Revenge On Your Ex: Is It Worth It?

3. Fantasizing about and plotting revenge become self-swallowing obsessions. This means
they'll indefinitely distract you from what really matters (ie: caring for your kids) and impede, if
not completely stop, your healing. Underneath all that rage lies a broken heart…and to its
tending and mending is where your energy needs be channeled. Ultimately revenge hurts you
more than it does your partner.

If you look deep inside yourself, some wise aspect of you already knows the above to be true. So
heed that voice, get the healthy support you need from friends and family, and remember who
you really are—a kind, beautiful, loving person—when you're tempted to behave badly.
—Delaine Moore, Dating/Life Coach

Map Your Thoughts And Feelings To Help Neutralize Them

All of your feelings are natural, necessary and normal. However it is important to decide how
you will let them effect you. This is called emotion regulation and you can practice it by
changing your thoughts so that they will create new feelings and moods. The formula is simple
but it takes practice.

Let's say that you have a horrible argument with your partner and you are angry and feeling
rejected. On a piece of paper, list all the feelings that you are having. Then next to those feelings,
list the thoughts that accompany the feelings. What's Your Emotional EQ?

It maybe something like: Feelings Accompanying Thoughts

I feel frustrated. "He makes me feel stupid"
I feel angry. "She always talks down to me"

The next step is to ask yourself: what is the evidence to support that thought? Make a list of what
comes to mind.
It may look like: Evidence
He thinks I don't understand what he's talking about.
She uses a tone that sounds really parental

Finally, in the column next to your evidence, write all the facts that do not support your thoughts.
That may look like: Supporting Facts
Last week he told me that I really saved us money on those airline tickets.
Yesterday, she told me that I was a great dad.
Now combine those two statement into one. It may sound like:
Well, although, he makes me feel stupid at times, he does appreciate me too.
There are times that she treats me like a child, but she appreciates me too.

By fleshing out the truth behind your feelings, you can reduce their intensity and are less likely
to lash out at your partner because of them. For more information on how to do this, you can
pick up Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky.

Being married has long been shown to relieve stress, but a new study suggests the same holds true for
committed couples who haven't tied the knot.

Unmarried people in long-term romantic relationships show the same milder hormonal reactions to
stress as married people do, according to researchers at the University of Chicago and Northwestern
University.

"It's not marriage itself, but being in a committed relationship that gives you a more stable attitude
about life in general," the study's lead author Dario Maestripieri told AOL Health.

Maestripieri, a professor of comparative human development at the University of Chicago, and his
colleagues gave 501 MBA students a computer test they were told was a degree requirement that would
affect future job placement. The average age was 27 among the 153 women quizzed and 29 among the
348 men.

Saliva samples to measure the stress hormone cortisol were taken before and after the exercise.

Single participants were more reactive to the tension of the situation, shown by larger spikes in their
cortisol levels, than those who were part of a couple, according to the findings published in the current
issue of the journal Stress.

"People who were married or in committed relationships had a lower increase in cortisol," said
Maestripieri. "Being in a stable relationship helps psychologically."

University of Pennsylvania psychiatrist Christos Ballas said the findings aren't surprising.

"There's nothing about actually being married that's any different from being in a committed
relationship," he told AOL Health. "The commitment itself reduces stress, not having a ring on your
finger. You have something objectively secure like this relationship, and everything can swirl around you
chaotically."

However, he warned against two wild cards with the study: the tensions that come from within
relationships and the ambiguity in what high levels of cortisol are telling us -- or not telling us.
"The X factor is that married people have their own stress," said Ballas. "And high cortisol means you're
reacting more to stress, but we don't know whether it's a good or a bad reaction."

Though it's unlikely that lower cortisol levels are indicative of a negative response to stress, he
explained, it is a possibility because it could mean the subject's defenses are down.

The Illinois researchers asked the students to play a series of computer games testing economic
behaviors. Though the amount of cortisol increased in all the subjects studied, it rose more in women
than in men and in unpaired people than in those with romantic partners.

A dip in testosterone levels also was observed among male participants but not among females. Baseline
testosterone levels were higher among single business school graduate students than among those in
committed relationships.

The results are "consistent with a growing body of evidence showing that marriage and social support
can buffer against stress," the authors wrote.

"Although marriage can be pretty stressful, it should make it easier for people to handle other stressors
in their lives," Maestripieri concluded.

f you're why wondering why he cheated on you -- blame his dad. And his grandfather and his great-
grandfather.

It turns out that some of us are genetically programmed to be unfaithful. At least, that's the finding of
researchers from Binghamton University, State University of New York.

While everyone has the dopamine receptor D4 polymorphism, or the DRD4 gene that promotes thrill-
seeking behavior, about half of us have a variation of it that makes us more vulnerable to sexual
promiscuity.

The gene, which can influence the brain's chemistry and, thus, an individual's behavior, is also
responsible for alcohol and gambling addictions.

Lead study author Justin Garcia told ABC News that those who have the DRD4 variant are "more likely to
have a history of uncommitted sex, including one-night stands and acts of infidelity." He says the desire
to cheat or have sex with many different people appears to originate in the brain's pleasure and reward
center, where the "rush" of dopamine motivates those who are vulnerable.

The study: More than 180 student volunteers took an anonymous survey on their previous sexual
behavior, including answering such questions as the number of sex partners they had and if they had
ever been unfaithful. Each student's DNA was tested after orally rinsing with a special mouthwash, so
researchers were able to identify who had the variation of the DRD4 gene and who did not.
The results: The students who had the variation of the DRD4 gene had a 50 percent increase in the
instances of sexual cheating. "Just as height varies, the amount of information in the gene varies. In
those who have more...they are more prone to thrill-seeking," Garcia told ABC News. "It's inheritable,
too. If your parents have it, you have it."

How does it work? Basically, when you drink alcohol, jump from a plane or have sex with a stranger,
your brain is stimulated and that causes the release of dopamine, a pleasure-response hormone. "It's
rewarding and makes us excited and gives us pleasure," Garcia explained to ABC News. "But the people
with the DRD4 gene need more stimuli to feel satiated. Some of us say 'wow,' that was a rush after
jumping out of a plane. Others ask, 'When is the plane going back up?'"

Important caveat: Just because someone has the cheating gene doesn't necessarily mean he'll be
unfaithful. Just beware, though, because the study results also show that sex drive and thrill can
function independently of love.

The discovery of Tiger Woods' and John Edwards' extramarital hanky panky has shone a very public light
on infidelity. Given the inherent secrecy, it's hard to get a handle on the percentage of people who step
out on their significant others.

"Probably somewhere close to 60 percent of people are unfaithful at some point in their marriage," says
Sandy M., the co-founder and moderator of the Web site survivinginfidelity.com. More conservative
estimates put the figures closer to 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women.

Sandy notes that the majority of her 27,000 members (and more than 300,000 lurkers) do try to pick up
the pieces and stay together. About half are successful. Many of the rest remain in marital limbo for
several years before deciding what to do, while others -- like Elizabeth Edwards -- can't regain the trust
and ultimately kick their partners to the curb.

Clearly adultery isn't always a deal breaker, but putting a marriage back on track is no picnic. As the
following stories show, the reasons for choosing to stick it out or part ways are complicated and infused
with emotion.

I left.

"When I first found out, I was crushed," says Angela, a Midwestern housewife in her 40s. "I went into
shock and deep depression."

She and her husband were together for about three years when she caught him web-camming his
private parts to another woman. A little detective work revealed activity on singles websites, and
intimate e-mails with other women, and a regular correspondence with an escort service. It quickly
became apparent that her husband had a thing for casual sex with women other than her.
Angela gave her cheating hubby an ultimatum: Get counseling or get lost. But even though he promised
to change, she still had nagging suspicions, especially when he traveled for work.

"I realized I could not live with being unable to trust him and having to play detective for the rest of my
life," she says of why she finally decided to file for an annulment.

Though it has taken time, Angela now believes she is better on her own than in a shaky relationship with
an untrustworthy partner -- and understands that his issues have little to do with her.

"It's not my shame to carry," she says. I have nothing to be embarrassed about, and I've gotten quite
comfortable talking about this, which has facilitated my healing," she comments. "Looking back, the
man I thought I was married to was not really the actual man I was in love with."

I'm on the fence.

"D Day" as Anna refers to the date she discovered her husband had strayed, came on November 2 of last
year -- although he didn't come completely clean until two days later.

"He did what's called trickle truthing," she says. "First it was, 'We only talked on email,' then it was 'We
only met for coffee,' and then it was, 'We only kissed a few times.'"

When he finally spilled all the beans, he admitted to finding a mistress on ashleymadison.com, a Web
site that hooks up married people. Even worse, he'd had a two month affair before that with her best
friend.

Though he went to great lengths to hide his extracurricular activities, Anna's sixth sense led her to
search his cell phone history. A number tagged "data center" popped up hundreds of times. A phone call
to the number confirmed her worst fears, and she actually wound up speaking to his mistress several
times over the next few months.

Anna's husband promised to clean up his act and recommit to their eight-year relationship and seven
children, a promise he has kept so far. Still, Anna flip-flops back and forth between anger and
forgiveness, emotions made all the more complicated by her husband's subsequent diagnosis of sex
addiction. She says she still loves him but no longer trusts or respects him.

Will she stay? She admits it's still early on in the decision making process. She's thrown him out twice,
but they are in intensive therapy both separately and together. She's not ready to make any life
decisions while on such an emotional roller coaster.

"I need to give him a chance rather than react from my gut," says Anna. "I can't let the marriage go
without at least giving him a chance to change."
I stayed.

Jordan, a 41-year-old portfolio manager, had a nagging feeling something was off started when he
noticed his wife of four years was suddenly text messaging a lot. She claimed it was with a friend in
California but when he scanned her cell phone history, he noticed the majority of activity was with a
local number. Soon she began sending her cell phone bills to a post office box and buying lingerie that
never showed up in the bedroom. She even referred to him by her lover's pet name by mistake.

"Obviously I knew things weren't right," he admits. "But in a way, I didn't want to know the truth." he
admits.

The last straw came when he found a graphic note from her boyfriend and condoms in her purse. When
confronted, she told him that she sincerely wanted to patch things up for both him and their two
children. Jordan did something that surprised even him: He forgave her almost immediately.

"I realized that if I became consumed with anger, it would snowball into the rest of my life and just keep
going," he says. "I decided that was counterproductive, and besides, I still loved her." Jordan says.

He's not convinced his wife has ever given him the whole story or even that she will never again betray
him. But Jordan says that since they've cleared the air, their marriage has improved immensely. They
have never sought out counseling, though he did learn a lot about dealing with infidelity online. When
he does feel angry or depressed, he tries not to dwell.

"I channel my energy into positive things like the kids, my business and running," he says.

Now combine those two statement into one. It may sound like:
Well, although, he makes me feel stupid at times, he does appreciate me too.
There are times that she treats me like a child, but she appreciates me too.

By fleshing out the truth behind your feelings, you can reduce their intensity and are less likely
to lash out at your partner because of them. For more information on how to do this, you can
pick up Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky.
—Carol the Coach, Counselor/Therapist

Have you been concocting various erotic scenarios that involve someone other than your spouse?
Perhaps you've taken things a step further, and you're in the midst of a flirtation with someone, or
you've been exchanging sexually charged e-mails or text messages.

The truth is that you're not daydreaming, you're thinking about cheating and these urges can quickly
become too strong to resist. When you're caught up in the midst of a new attraction, you might not be
able to see the reasons behind why you're looking to stray.
Take a look at the top reasons you might be thinking about cheating and see if you recognize yourself --
and find possible alternatives to looking outside your marriage for fulfillment.

Boredom in the relationship. Whether you've been together two years or more than ten, by now that
new relationship feeling has worn off. Sex has become predictable and sometimes it even feels like you
have nothing to say to one another.
Cheating alternative: "It's time to reboot your imaginations," says Dr. Patti Britton, author of "The Art of
Sex Coaching." "Get creative. Do something you have never done before together, like go to a strip club
or an erotica expo. Change your patterns with touch and sex -- whatever you did before, do the
opposite. Variety sparks the dopamine response in our brains, causing us to feel that something is in fact
new."

You don't get enough attention from your spouse. Work. Kids. Some days it seems like your spouse's
attention is on everything except you. You want someone to ask you about what's going on in your life
and to maybe give you a back massage once in a while -- without you having to ask.
Cheating alternative: Britton suggests that if you want more attention, you should first try giving your
spouse more."Put notes to him all over his mirror in the morning. Be proactive at getting his attention.
Showing more interest in [your partner] could result in the same toward you."

You want confirmation of your attractiveness. After settling into a marriage or long-term relationship,
you may have forgotten what it feels like to be desired (for something other than your cooking, financial
support or parenting).
Cheating alternative: "Go out with one of your other happily married friends, flirt it up and then go
home with all that confidence and self-esteem and sleep with your guy," says Ian Kerner, sex and
relationships counselor and author of "Sex Recharge." "Sometimes a little harmless flirting can keep the
real harm of infidelity away and be channeled back into your own love life."

You're a thrill seeker. Do you find yourself taking dangerous risks in other areas of your life? The
potential disaster that an affair can cause might actually be pulling you toward putting your marriage on
the line.
Cheating alternative: "Start finding ways to share thrills with your partner," says Kerner. "From scary
movies to roller coasters to skydiving class to calling in sick to work together and playing hooky, find
ways to vary your routine, introduce thrills and enjoy the sex that can come after."

You're no longer attracted to your spouse. If your significant other has gained weight or simply stopped
taking pride in his appearance, it can be difficult to see him in a sexual way.
Cheating alternative: Suggest taking a walk together after dinner or preparing healthy meals together.
This way you can get your spouse looking his best and spend more time together. Be sure not to put him
down. "Positive encouragement will go a long way toward helping him get back to his personal best,"
says Britton.
You married young, and your interests have changed. If you got married in your early twenties, chances
are you've changed a lot over the years, and you and your spouse may have grown apart. When you
meet another man who feels passionate about the same things that you do, it's only natural you would
gravitate toward her.
Cheating alternative: "You don't have to do everything together," says Kerner. "Great relationships
require being great individuals, and you need to be able to do your own thing, have your own friends
and take time for yourself. Of course, you should try to develop new common interests and activities
together, but you also need the trust to grow as individuals."

Looking for an out of your relationship. Perhaps you've known for some time that you no longer want
to be married but you're not ready to sit down and that difficult conversation. It's possible that part of
you wants to get caught with another person, or that you're too scared to leave the marriage and be on
your own.
Cheating alternative: Running into the arms of another man will not solve your problem -- it will only
compound it. Before things can change, you have to be honest with yourself and your significant other.
"Get a good therapist or coach to resolve this critical conflict," says Britton.

You're in a new situation. Have you recently lost weight, started a new job or taken up a new hobby?
You're excited about a new phase in your life, and, intentionally or not, your spouse may be getting left
behind in favor of someone who is a part of your new lifestyle.
Cheating alternative: "New changes bring new challenges, and it's easy to shut your partner out and feel
like he just wouldn't understand," says Kerner. "Make your husband or wife part of your team. You'd be
surprised how much a spouse can understand, support and advise. Whether it's a new job, a new hobby
or a new diet, you can still be inclusive."

Your spouse is not into sex. When two people have very different levels of libido, this can cause
difficulties. When one party never feels like making love, it can cause a real rift in the fabric of your
relationship and cause you to go looking elsewhere.
Cheating alternative: Before looking outside the marriage for fulfillment, be sure to communicate with
your spouse and see if a compromise can be reached. "Couples need to own the differences and then
find compromises that allow the lower -desire person to meet the higher-desire one at least halfway,"
says Britton.

Because your marriage has become long distance. It's difficult enough to maintain a happy marriage
when you're in the same house together. But if one of you has to be away for a job or military service,
the distance can put a strain on things. You may be feeling lonely and start looking to someone else to
fill the gap.
Cheating alternative: "Absence can and should make the heart grow fonder, and luckily there's phone-
sex, sexting and even computer-enabled sex toys that can keep you in touch with the sexual side of your
relationship," says Kerner.

Because he cheated on you. Your spouse cheated on you in the past, but part of you has not truly
forgiven him. You may be looking for revenge, and so you tell yourself stepping out on him will even the
playing field.
Cheating alternative: "Revenge is never going to get you the life you want; it's a reactive not a proactive
mode," says Britton. "Focus on what you want to have again in this relationship or get out of it."

You're overcome with desire. You value your marriage, and you love and are attracted to your partner.
You may even have a great sex life, but these days, someone else is catching your eye and putting
butterflies in your stomach. The nagging thoughts of what it would be like won't go away.
Cheating alternative: "Flirtatious friendships can easily spiral out of control, so watch out if you're
spending too much time with the object of your fluttering stomach," says Kerner. "On the other hand,
many women fantasize sexually about other men, even when they're having sex with their husbands.
Nothing wrong with a fantasy, just don't turn it into reality."

Older men and younger women. This is a scenario that plays out with such frequency no one
really bats an eye at the phenomenon anymore - unlike those relationships with older women and
younger men. Men are supposed to be the teacher, the protector, the head of the household.

In maOlder men and younger women. This is a scenario that plays out with such frequency no
one really bats an eye at the phenomenon anymore - unlike those relationships with older women
and younger men. Men are supposed to be the teacher, the protector, the head of the household.

In many relationships this dynamic can work out quite well... especially for the short term.

Older men and younger women. This is a scenario that plays out with such frequency no one
really bats an eye at the phenomenon anymore - unlike those relationships with older women and
younger men. Men are supposed to be the teacher, the protector, the head of the household.

In many relationships this dynamic can work out quite well... especially for the short term.

Older man? How much older?

That's the crucial question. If a woman marries a man 7 to 10 years older than her, can it be
termed as marrying an older man? In present day standards, many women seem to nurture such a
view point. Getting married to a man, almost the same age or two to four years older (and very
occasionally, getting married to a man younger by a year or two) seem to be an acceptable norm
to the present day woman.

But personally, I have a very strong view that for a good marital bond, an age difference of about
6 to 9 years between the woman and man (the man to be elder, of course) is really conducive and
it works out wonders in majority of the cases I have seen.

There are two things of compatibility in marital relationship. One is the physical maturity and
second is the mental maturity.
Women attain both physical and mental maturity at much younger age than men. A girl child of
three years has linguistic and oral communication skills much more developed than a male child
of same age. A girl child's dependence on her mother at that age is far less than that of a boy. A
girl child at that age attends pre-school with much more ease and self confidence and willingness
than a boy child.

A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years where as a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. A
girl's instincts about the opposite sex is much more developed at the teen age in comparison with
boys.

Seeing the world and observing people, sense of responsibility towards one's own life and that of
those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one's needs and wants, goals and
ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years; on the other hand, a
man of comparable age is far more boyish, carefree, takes things too lightly and is afraid of
getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled, play-boy life looks to be
far more attractive to a man at that age than one of commitment and responsibility of a marital
relationship.

A level of mental maturity towards a disciplined family life and the realization that love and
affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust comes to a man
somewhere above the age of twenty six or so.

Thus when a woman marries a man 6 to 8 years elder to her, the mental maturity level between
them fairly matches and they will be in a better position to adjust with each other.

All said and done, a basic psychological fact about man that cannot be wished away is his sense

of superiority over opposite sex. A man, deservingly or undeservingly expects that his wife
should treat him as more than an equal partner and any sign of respect shown to him towards this
sense of superiority is welcome by him. When a decent age difference exists, the woman tends to
show him more respect than if he were to be of equal age to her. This psychological nuance helps
in a significant way in bringing cordiality in relationship.

From physical maturity point of view, this age difference augurs well in the long run. A woman's
safe age of becoming a mother is up to 35 years and her active interest in sex gradually wanes
subsequently. A woman attains menopause anywhere between her 45th to 50th age. After
menopause, women practically lose interest in sex. On the other hand, a man's sexually virile age
may extend even up to his 60 years of age. Men at around their 40th of age tend to get a revived
vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative and a willing partner at home helps in preventing
them from going astray.

Further the young looks of a wife matters a lot to a man; But the looks of her partner is much of a
secondary importance to a woman. Normally, at about 40, a man of that age looks quite youthful
in comparison with his wife, if she were to be of same age groupt.
Perhaps, this is one of the main reasons why a wider age gap between man and woman for
marital relationship was preferred in previous generations.

But if the age gap is much wider, there is likelihood of the marital relationship becoming sour in
the long run. Assuming that a woman marries a man, some 15 years (or more) elder to her, there
may be several reasons to be analyzed as to why such a relationship came into existence in the
first place. Is it because of any coercion or compulsion (by elders, by influence of power or
intimidation by the man, poverty and consequent insecurity of the woman etc)? Is it because of
any illogical infatuation? Is it because of any psychological complexity? Is it a calculated move
by the woman to woo the older man purely for swindling his riches? Is it for getting a celebrity
status through the back-door?

Unless there is a genuine bondage of love and affection between the couple which can ignore the
limitations in sexual relationship in the long run, there are always dangers of the marital bond
breaking up leaving painful scars behind.