I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS EPISODE FIVE

Written by Robert Stimpson & Jack Melling

EPISODE 5 - THREESOME
SCENE 1

INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM. TOGETHER POST-COITAL.

FRANK AND BETTY ARE LYING IN BED

Betty: So Mr. Frank, what is your biggest sexual fantasy?

Frank: Erm, I dunno really.

Betty: Oh come on! Stop being so boring! You must have one, surely?

Frank: I haven't really thought about it to be honest. It's not really something that I spend much time thinking about.

Betty: What so your mind never wanders when you're at work bored out of your mind? I thought blokes thought about sex every 7 seconds?

Frank: Well yeah, but sex is sex it's always good. Even when its terrible its still amazing.

Betty: Well, my mind is constantly wandering.

Frank: I know, you keep sending me emails about it. (MORE)

2. (CONT'D)

Betty: (playfully)Only because I want you so much.

Frank: Well, you're only human.

Betty: (laughing) Arrogant! Anyway stop changing the subject! What is your biggest sexual fantasy? Just tell me!

Frank: I honestly don't know. I'm not being difficult, I've just never given it that much thought. I'm just not one of those people who is obsessed with sex. I just like sex. Having regular sex is my biggest sexual fantasy.

Betty: I'll tell you mine.

Frank: I really don't want to know.

Betty: Why?

Frank: Because I'm sure it will make me feel hopelessly inadequate.

Betty: Basically it involves a vibrating -

Frank: Betty, I said I really didn't want to know.

(MORE)

3. (CONT'D) Betty: Well tell me your biggest sexual fantasy then.

Frank: Fine then...(unconvincingly) a threesome.

Betty: A threesome? That's it? No props?

Frank: What do you mean props?

Betty: Doesn't matter. You're good, Frank, but lets just say we need to experiment more.

Frank: Oh sorry I never knew you were such a sexpert?!

BETTY rolls her eyes.

Betty: Well I can definitely teach you a few things. Number one would be don't ever say sexpert to a girl ever again.

Frank: Thanks.

Noted.

Betty: So you want me to sort out the threesome for you?

Frank: I'm sorry?

(MORE)

4. (CONT'D) Betty: Me, you and someone else. You want me to sort it out?

Frank: You want a threesome?

Betty: Yeah why not. Last time I had one I was smashed so I dont remember it.

Frank: Erm, ok then. Are you sure you want to go through with this? This isnt a test is it?

Betty: Frank, stop being a prude. It's the 21st Century, people can fuck who they want, when they want, with as many people as they want.

Frank: How eloquent.

Betty: You know what I mean. Anyway I wouldn't want a threesome with any old person. I'd want to do it with you.

Frank: And any old person.

Betty: You know what I mean.

BETTY starts kissing FRANK.

Frank: Just to clarify beyond any doubt; (MORE)

5. (CONT'D) you actually want to go through with this?

BETTY starts kissing FRANK again. Suddenly there's noise from next door as ANTON and NICOLA start having noisy sex.

Frank: Fuck's sake, they're at it again.

Betty: Why does it bother you so much?

Frank: Because it puts me off. I'm trying to get intimate with you -

Betty: Lesson number 2, dont say get intimate to a girl.

Frank: Fine then, I'm trying to fuck you, but I can't concentrate on the moment because all I hear is Anton next door having rhythmless sex.

Betty: Look Frank just concentrate on us, yeah?

BETTY starts kissing FRANK again, but the noises next door get louder as ANTON starts shrieking.

Frank: Fuck it, I can't concentrate. I'm sorry Betty, but hearing Anton shrieking is not a turn on.

6.

Betty: Fine then, I'll have to do it myself.

BETTY gets a dildo out of her bag.

Betty: I'll see you in 5.

BETTY disappears under the covers. FRANK gets up and leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

SCENE

INT. ANTON'S FLAT. FRANK IS IN THE KITCHEN AREA EATING CEREAL. ANTON COMES OUT OF HIS BEDROOM LOOKING PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. Anton: Gooooood morning Frankie boy!

Frank: Morning.

Anton: By the way in case you didn't hear, I just had sex with Nicola.

Frank: Well done.

Anton: Doggy this time. (MORE)

7. (CONT'D)

Frank: Look Anton, you don't have to tell me every time you have sex with Nicola. Not in person, not by text, not by email or on my Facebook. I don't care.

Anton: Just giving you the facts Cuz.

Frank: Well you don't need to. I hear you two at it all the time.

Anton: What can I say - she loves the Anton loving!

Frank: It's not her I hear - it's you!

Anton: She likes to please her man.

Frank: Well you obviously don't like pleasing her in return; I haven't heard her once.

Anton: Shut up Frank! Don't take this moment away from me!

Frank: What moment?

Anton: Me basking in glory after fornicating with my boo.

(MORE)

8. (CONT'D) Frank: You've had sex with her before.

Anton: Yeah but this time it was doggy.

Frank: So?

Anton: Doggy is the best position.

Frank: No it isn't.

Anton: What is then?

Frank: Flower press.

Anton: (laughing) That sounds like the gayest sex move ever. Is it when you bum a man then give him a flower?!

ANTON starts laughing at his own joke.

Frank: Well you claim to be the sexual connoisseur - you should know these positions.

Anton: Fuck off I know loads of positions.

Frank: Name them.

(MORE)

9. (CONT'D) Anton: Doggy, girl on top, guy on top. That's all you need to know.

FRANK shakes his head.

Anton: What?

Frank: I never thought I'd say this, but I feel sorry for Nicola.

Anton: Shut up, she loves it. You're in a right mood this morning. Just because I'm getting all the action.

Frank: : I had a girl stay over as well.

Anton: Yeah, but you're not even in a proper relationship. Mine and Nicola's relationship is in the honeymoon period when we're constantly fucking, you and Betty are already in the just hugging phase of what is supposed to be a purely sexual relationship. Don't take your bitterness out on me.

Frank: Whatever, I genuinely couldn't care less about your relationship. I still have my doubts about how all this came into being anyway. It's just not right.

Anton: It's because she loved me all along, she was just scared of her true feelings.

(MORE)

10. (CONT'D) Frank: Still fishy though mate. Why would she suddenly show an interest now after all this time of brazenly turning you down?

Anton: It's because she loves me! You were wrong, Frank, just accept it.

Frank: Ok, fine. I'm just looking out for you. You're my cousin and I don't want you to get hurt.

Anton: Well you don't need to because I'm fine, so just concentrate on pleasing your greedy bisexual girlfriend.

Frank: She's not greedy. She's just agreed to a threesome - I'd say that's the greatest form of selflessness you can get.

Anton: What?

Frank: I'm going to have a threesome with Betty and another girl. She just agreed to it now.

Anton: Bullshit. You're just jealous!

Frank: Jealous of what?

(MORE)

11. (CONT'D) Anton: Me and Nicola are the new couple on the block and you're trying to steal our limelight by claiming that you're having a threesome - it's pathetic Frank.

Frank: Fine then, don't believe me. It doesn't make any difference to me at all.

FRANK starts eating his cereal silently. angrier.

ANTON slowly gets

Anton: (angrily) You always do this to me!

Frank: Do what?

Anton: Try and outdo me at every opportunity - I'm sick of it.

Frank: When do I ever do this? I've never had a threesome before!

Anton: All the time, always competing. Even when we were kids you were always trying to impress me with your bullshit stories. Well I thought you were a prick then, and nothing's changed!

Frank: So you can show off about shagging Nicola but I can't mention the fact that Betty's just agreed to a threesome?

Anton: You're stealing my limelight!

(MORE)

12. (CONT'D)

Frank: (fed up) I can't be bothered to argue. This is ridiculous

FRANK starts eating his cereal silently again. down.

ANTON calms

Anton: (attempted subtlety) So what are the other positions then?

Frank: I'm not telling you.

Anton: Why not?

Frank: Because I'm eating my cereal.

Anton: What's a flower press?

BETTY walks into the dining room and heads towards FRANK.

Betty: You alright handsome. I just had an amazing orgasm.

Anton: How?

Betty: Used my vibrator.

Anton: You brought a vibrator with you when you stayed the night with Frank. Oh dear Frank, that really is tragic! (MORE)

13. (CONT'D)

Betty: I only used it because Frank couldn't concentrate due to all the noise you were making.

Anton: So I stopped Frank getting some action?

ANTON starts smirking.

Betty: Yeah sort of.

Anton (laughing): I had sex and at the same time I cock-blocked Frank that's the best news I've received all week!

Frank: You've obviously had a shit week then.

Anton: I don't care, at least I got some this morning, and so did Betty. You're the only one in this flat that didn't get any. No wonder you're so pissy!

Betty: (to Frank) He does have a point babe.

Frank: (to Betty) Why are you siding with him?

Betty: Because he has a point.

(MORE)

14. (CONT'D)

Anton: Justice! I bet all this threesome stuff was rubbish too.

Betty: Betty: It's not rubbish, I'm finding someone tonight.

Frank: You see, I told you.

Anton: (whining) But its not fair.

Betty: Oh my god, you two are like a pair of girls.

Anton: He bloody started it.

Frank: How? You're the one that started showing off about shagging Nicola.

Anton: Yeah, but it was doggy.

Frank (to BETTY): Anton only knows 3 sex positions.

Betty (to ANTON): You only know 3 positions?

Anton: (defiantly) Only three to know.

(MORE)

15. (CONT'D)

Betty: (sarcastically) Lucky Nicola.

Anton: What's a flower press?

Betty: .....

Frank: (to BETTY) Don't tell him.

Anton: Why are you doing this to me?!

Frank: Because it annoys you.

Anton: I'm not annoyed.

Frank: Yes you are. I can see it in your face.

ANTON walks to the lounge and turns on the TV. FRANK starts laughing.

Betty: (to FRANK) Are we going to Nando's tonight?

Frank: Nando's? Really?

Betty: You said we'd go.

Frank: I'm pretty sure I didn't. (MORE)

16. (CONT'D) I think I said the opposite.

Betty: I'm sure you did. You definitely mentioned Nando's.

Frank: I probably said we're definitely NOT going to Nando's. It's all right, but it's not that good.

Betty: Noooo, it's sooooooo good. I want to go to Nandos with my mandos.

Frank: It's not, though, is it? It's chicken and rice. And maybe mashed potato if you're up for it. I can make you chicken and rice tonight.

Betty: Why don't you then?

Frank: Fine then I will.

Betty: Good, you can invite Nicola and Anton as well and have a double date.

Frank: Oh God, no, not a double date!

Anton: (turning around) I heard my name?

(MORE)

17. (CONT'D) Betty: Frank's cooking for us tonight.

Anton: Great, can Nicola come?

Betty: Yeah sure.

Frank: She certainly didn't come this morning.

Anton: Fuck off.

NICOLA walks into the lounge and looks edgy around BETTY.

Anton: (to NICOLA) Frank is cooking us a meal tonight.

Nicola: Whatever, is that dyke going to be there as well? (Looks at BETTY).

Anton: Yes.

Nicola: (sarcastic)

Great.

Anton: (ignoring the comment) I'm going to miss you!

(MORE)

18. (CONT'D) Nicola: Well I have to go to work don't I, so deal with it.

Anton: I'm going to smell my pillows when you leave, so it feels like you're still with me.

Nicola: You're seeing me tonight, Anton. Man up!

ANTON goes to kiss NICOLA, but NICOLA pecks him on the cheek. NICOLA then catches BETTY's eye and snogs ANTON passionately and somewhat aggressively.

Nicola: See you later. Pick me up at 6.30.

Anton: Sure.

NICOLA stares BETTY down as she leaves the flat.

Anton (to Frank): You see how badly she wants me?!

Frank: Yes, really badly.

Anton: (pointing at himself) Luckiest man in the world right here.

ANTON walks away into his room smiling.

19.

Frank: (to BETTY) Can you be ready at 6.30? Is that possible?

Betty: What do you mean "is that possible"?

Frank: You're usually late for everything by at least 15 minutes.

Betty: I'll be ready when I'm ready.

Frank: Well that doesn't work does it? Don't be ready when you're ready, be ready at half six. Is it so hard to get ready for a specific time?

BETTY walks away grabs her stuff and slams the door.

ANTON walks into the lounge.

Anton: What was that all about?

Frank: Nothing.

Anton: (smirking) Has Betty stormed off?!

(MORE)

20. (CONT'D)

Frank: No she's just left the flat.

Anton: Oh dear Frank, what did you do?

Frank: Nothing. to the gym.

Listen, I'm going

Anton: Can I come?

Frank: Why do you want to come to the gym? You never want to come to the gym. You said the gym was, and I quote, "the gayest place on earth."

Anton: I just fancy going that's all. Stop asking questions.

Frank: It's just a very drastic turnaround. What's happened?

Anton: Nothing happened.

Frank: Has Nicola said something?

Anton: Maybe.

Frank: What did she say? (MORE)

21. (CONT'D)

Anton: Nothing.

Frank: (smirking) Does she want you to have a six pack? Is that what it is?

Anton: Fuck off! I have a six pack.

Frank: Really?

Anton: I just need it to be more defined, I need to strip away some of the fat. A six pack is there, it's definitely there! Nicola just likes a chiselled torso.

Frank: Ok, fine, get your gym stuff and we'll head off, ok?

Anton: Ok.

ANTON leaves while FRANK prepares for the gym, but then returns quickly.

Anton: Can I borrow some gym stuff?

Frank: Don't you have any old football shirts or something?

(MORE)

22. (CONT'D)

ANTON shrugs his shoulders.

Frank: Fine, I'll get some things together for you.

Anton: Safe. as well?

Could you pay for me

Frank: There's a cashpoint by the gym.

Anton: Can't find my wallet. You might have to sort me out for a while.

Frank:

Sort you out what?

Anton:

Everything.

ANTON leaves the room and heads off to his room. FRANK sighs loudly.

SCENE 3

INT. THE GYM. FRANK IS IN THE CORNER DOING SOME FREE WEIGHTS, WHILE ANTON IS WALKING AROUND INCREDIBLY SLOWLY TRYING TO STARE DOWN OTHER MALE MEMBERS. ANTON WALKS OVER TO FRANK.
(MORE)

23. (CONT'D)

Anton: What are you doing?

Frank (concentrating on the exercise): What does it look like?

Anton: How heavy are they?

Frank: It doesn't matter.

Anton: Course it does. Bet I could beat that.

Frank: I honestly don't care. Maybe you should stop walking around trying to stare people out and actually do some exercises.

Anton: You will care when I make you look like a twat by beating you.

Frank: (Throwing the weight down) Go on then, do it.

ANTON eyes up the weight.

Anton: Maybe later. Got to work on my abs. Where can I work on my abs?

Frank: Go on the mats and do some sit-ups.

Anton: The mat? Sit-ups? I could do that shit at home. (MORE)

24. (CONT'D) I want to do something hardcore. want the abs of a God.

Frank: I don't think that will happen.

Anton: Why not?

Frank: Because you have no ambition, determination or fitness.

Anton: (matter of fact) Yes I do.

ANTON runs over to the mats and starts doing sit-ups intensely. FRANK follows and looks down on ANTON.

Frank: What are you trying to prove?

Anton: That I'm harder than you.

Frank: Right, well you're doing a fantastic job. Everyone is impressed. You're amazing.

FRANK returns back to his weights and resumes his workout. ANTON looks over and sneers before starting to do press-ups intensely. STU walks in with his cap on backwards, a basketball vest, bright red FUBU shorts, a piece of black tape below his eye and a sweatband half-way down his forearm. FRANK looks up and pretends not to see STU. STU sees ANTON in the middle of his press-ups and walks over.

Stu: Aiiiiiiiiiight, what's happening in the fizow? (MORE)

25. (CONT'D)

Anton: I'm in the zone Stu, leave me alone.

Stu: Safe. (Shouts over to FRANK) Frank, what's up? FRANK looks annoyed and just beckons STU over.

Frank: What are you doing here?

Stu: Just come here to get buff, innit. What you doin'?

Frank:

Just doing weights.

FRANK rolls his eyes and keeps doing his weights. around the gym.

STU looks

Stu: Where do I go to get tonk?

Frank: There's machines and weights everywhere, Stu. You're in a gym for fuck sake.

Stu: Safe. How do I use it all blud?

Frank: Didn't you have an induction?

Stu:

Yeah, course.
(MORE)

26. (CONT'D)

Frank: Well didn't they tell you how to use them all?

Stu: Fuck knows, didn't listen. I ain't havin' some fool tell me what to do.

Frank: Genius. Well there should be instructions on the machines, read them.

Stu: Fuck reading.

Frank: Why are you even here, Stu?

Stu: I'm trying to get hench.

Frank: Why?

Stu: I need to get buff like Flo Rida. This band shit is smashin up like crazy tings, so we're getting some groups shots done for an album cover. I want da girls to see me and den just go crazy. But I want the fit ones to outnumber the fat ones. And fit girls only like cut abs.

In the middle distance ANTON stops doing his sit-ups and walks over to FRANK and STU with purpose.

Anton: Can you two girls stop talking?! I'm trying to concentrate on my fitness.
(MORE)

27. (CONT'D)

Frank: You came over here to tell us to be quiet? Why don't you ask them to turn the music down, too.

Anton: Look, I'm whaling on my abs right now, and I'm going back to do another thousand sit ups. If I hear you two gays talk I won't be happy.

Frank: You do realise that just doing sit ups won't make your six pack magically appear?

Anton: Frank, you really know nothing. If you want to get an area defined then you just smash the shit out of it so it gets hench. It's basic science.

Frank: Either that or you need to do cardio so you start losing fat weight - but whatever you prefer.

Anton: stuff?

Cardio?

Like running and

Frank:

Yep.

Anton: Oh for fuck sake. that's hard!

But

Frank: That's the point. Being fit and slim isn't supposed to be easy.
(MORE)

28. (CONT'D)

Anton: Oh listen to you! I suppose you think you're fit don't you?

Frank:

Fitter than you, yes.

ANTON storms off towards the treadmills and starts running.

Stu: So tell me what I should do to get buff?

Frank: Look just stay close to me.

Stu: Safe. Do you think I could get like Flo Rida? Ive got one week.

Frank: Who's Flo Rida?

Stu: Oh my daaaaayyyys! You have a lot to learn bruv.

FRANK rolls his eyes again and starts using a weights machine. STU starts looking around for something to do before going into a box full of weightlifting accessories. He then grabs a weightlifting-belt and starts putting it around his waist.

Stu: Look bruv, I'm Hulk Hogan!

29.

STU pulls off various Hulk Hogan poses.

FRANK ignores STU.

Stu: Frank, Frank, I'm Hulk Hogan. Look, look, look.

FRANK continues to do his weights.

Stu: (singing) When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh....

A RANDOM MEATHEAD (RM) nearby snaps with annoyance having had his concentration broken mid rep.

RM: Look mate can you shut the fuck up! I'm trying to concentrate. Stu: I'm just adding my own style to da gym, man. Chill out. RM: Well add your own style silently, you little prick, or you'll have to answer to this (flexes one of his biceps). You don't want that.

The RM turns around and noisily gets back to his exercise, whilst STU tuts at him. STU goes over to a weights machine with the weight belt still on. He puts the weight limit on really high, as FRANK watches him intently.

Frank: Erm, Stu I think that's a bit above your limits.

(MORE)

30. (CONT'D) Stu: Nah bruv, it'll be fine - I'm fucking hardcore.

Frank: But it's quite a lot.

Stu: I'll be fine.

Gonna get huge.

STU starts using the weight machine. He attempts to complete one repetition but he fails miserable and hurts himself quite badly. He falls to the floor in pain.

Frank: (aloud) Help! Help!

A nearby GYM INSTRUCTOR ignores FRANK, as he's busy "attending" to a girl on the adductor machine. He looks on with joy as she continually opens and closes her legs in front of him.

Frank: Gym instructor, can you please help?!

The GYM INSTRUCTOR continues to ignore FRANK.

Frank: (louder) Excuse me, can you please help!? Gym instructor: (muttering) For fuck's sake.

The GYM INSTRUCTOR walks over reluctantly and looks down at STU on the floor.

Gym instructor: here?

(MORE)

What's happened

31. (CONT'D)

Frank: He tried to lift too much weight and I think he's severely hurt himself.

Gym instructor: Well he shouldn't be so stupid should he?

Frank: Well, yes, you've got a point, he's an idiot, but it's still your job to check he's ok.

Gym instructor: Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Don't tell me what to do. I've been the army, I could kill you with a feather. Don't push me. No actually, push me, I want to crush you.

Frank:

Are you being serious?

STU starts moving his shoulder with more ease.

Stu: I think it's ok now, it's starting to feel better. I think it was just shock.

STU gets to his feet.

Gym instructor: Don't ever do that to me again.

(MORE)

32. (CONT'D) Frank: I'm sorry?

Gym instructor: I was in there and you just cock-blocked me.

Frank: I'm sorry, how? From here it just looked like you were doing your job, badly.

Gym instructor: You disrupted my flow. That girl was all over me.

Frank: No she wasn't, you were annoying her. She comes to the gym to make herself feel better in her own skin, not get hounded by some pervy meathead leering over her as she works out.

Gym instructor: (flexing his bicep) You better watch your mouth! A feather.

Frank: No I won't watch my mouth. I've had enough of dickhead gym instructors that only pay attention to fit girls rather than this sadcase (points at Stu) who actually needs your help. It's your job to instruct people in the gym, not just ogle girls on the fucking cross trainer.

Stu: Well said bruv, but I don't blame da playa - dat girl is hot!

Gym instructor: Right both of you, out!

(MORE)

33. (CONT'D)

Frank: What? You can't throw us out! This is a gym not a pub.

Gym instructor: Well I'm the gym instructor, so I'm instructing you to leave the gym. Both of you.

Stu: Awww man, I just came here to get buff!

Gym instructor: Well you can get buff somewhere else.

Frank: Fuck's sake. Why do I have these people in my life!

Stu: Man, dis is dope!

Frank: Shut up Stu, just shut it.

FRANK and STU walk towards the exit. ANTON walks over.

Anton: Where are you two pussies going?

Frank: We just got thrown out thanks to this idiot (nods at Stu).

Anton: What?!

Frank: Me and Stu have to leave now. (MORE)

34. (CONT'D)

Anton: Fuck's sake, I was in the zone. I was beating everyone around me.

Frank: The gym's not a competition.

Anton: Yes it is! Everything's a competition Frank, life's a competition!

Frank: Ok.

FRANK continues his walk to the exit.

Anton: (pathetically) Well don't leave without me.

FRANK, ANTON and STU walk out of the exit.

Stu: What else can I do to get hench?

Anton: Take steroids.

Stu: Safe, where do I get dem from?

Frank: Don't take steroids Stu.

Stu: Why not? (MORE)

35. (CONT'D)

Frank: Just - just don't.

FRANK and STU continue to talk as they leave the gym.

SCENE 4

EXT. GYM CAR PARK. ANTON, STU AND FRANK ARE WALKING TO ANTON'S CAR. FRANK IS WALKING AHEAD, EVIDENTLY IN A MOOD.

Anton: Why are you in a mood Frank? You're having a threesome tonight!

Stu: You is havin' a threesome? Ahhhh blud dat is sick!

Anton: Yeah, but I can't believe this queerboy is going to see it through.

Frank: I don't even know if it's going to happen. Plus we've got that double date to get through first.

(MORE)

36. (CONT'D) Anton: Why are you hating on the double date? They're awesome.

Frank: Double dates are the worst thing in the history of mankind. It's like you're trying to impress one woman who you want to sleep with, and one woman who you don't. It just doesn't work - everyone is being super super over the top nice to each other and it just wreaks of being false. Too much smiling.

Anton:

Jesus Frank, shut up.

Stu: You have to tell me all about da threesome at work though, yeah?

Frank: I'm not telling you anything. I never tell you anything.

Anton: Just be careful tonight though Frank.

Frank: Don't worry, I'll wear protection.

Anton: No not that. Threesome's can destroy relationships.

(MORE)

37. (CONT'D)

Frank: I don't think it will.

Anton: It hurt mine and Big Dave's relationship.

Frank: You had a threesome with Big Dave?

Anton: Yeah, we went to Amsterdam one weekend and didn't have enough money for a prostitute each so had to share one.

Frank: (laughing) You never told me this?!

Stu: You shared a prostitute?! Dat is dark.

Anton: Fuck off Stu the prostitutes in Amsterdam are like angels, not like the one's round here.

Frank: You've had a prostitute in Crawley?

(MORE)

38. (CONT'D)

Anton: Another day Frank, another day -

Frank: I thought you and Dave were best friends. Id have thought youd have got some weird enjoyment out of sharing a woman.

Anton: Afterwards it was bad, really awkward. I couldn't look him in the eye for at least a year. And even now when I see him eating a chocolate mousse it still makes me gag.

Frank: Sorry?

Anton: Yeah it got weird, some of the stuff Dave's into is just horrible. You just never know for sure how kinky someone is until they're naked in front of you, having sex with the same woman youre having sex with; so just be careful.

Frank: So you're saying a threesome is a bad idea?

Anton: Yes if it's two blokes and a girl.

(MORE)

39. (CONT'D)

Stu: What about two hot sexy sorts and a bredrin?

Anton (to FRANK): What does he mean?

Frank: Two girls and a bloke?

Anton: Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Thats the best idea ever.

FRANK and ANTON get to the car. They both stare at STU awkwardly.

Frank: Soooo, we're going home now.

Stu: Safe I'll come as well.

Anton: No Stu. Our flat has a strict no chav policy.

Frank: Yeah, but Nicola was round last night.

40.

FRANK and STU start laughing.

Anton: Just walk home, Stu, we're going to get some KFC.

Stu: Ah man I love that shit! me come!

Let

Frank: (to ANTON) KFC? Are you serious? We've just been to the gym!

Anton: Yeah, so we need protein. Chicken!

Frank: Yeah but not fast food, that's just insane.

Anton: If it was bad for you then it wouldn't be so popular! (To STU) You better get a move on Stu or I'll run you down on my way out.

STU starts laughing nervously.

(MORE)

41. (CONT'D) Anton: I don't know why you're laughing.

ANTON and FRANK get into the car and start revving the engine. STU hurriedly walks away.

SCENE FIVE

INT. ANTONS FLAT. BETTY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND FRANK ANSWERS.

Frank: It seems to be nearly 7.30.

Betty: again.

I was watching Friends

Frank: Again?

Betty: Yes - it's soooooo funny.

Frank:

The dinner is a bit cold.

Betty: Well, why did you make it so early?

(MORE)

42. (CONT'D)

Frank: Because we all agreed to be here at half 6?

Betty: Well, are Anton and Nicola here?

Frank: No.

Betty: You see, what's the point in being on time?

Frank: Two wrongs don't make a right. We always need to hold our end of the bargain.

ANTON AND NICOLA ARRIVE. HOLDS ANTON'S HAND.

NICOLA SEES BETTY AND SUDDENLY

Anton:

All right losers?

Betty:

Hi Anton, Nicola.

Nicola: (avoiding eye contact) Yep, hi.

Anton: Right let's get our eat on the food better be good Frank.

Frank: It's a bit cold.

(MORE)

43. (CONT'D)

Anton: Why is it cold? What sort of dick makes cold food?

Frank: It would've been warm but everyone was late.

Anton: Should've made it later then.

ANTON walks over to the dinner table with NICOLA, BETTY follows.

Nicola: Is there any wine? I wanna get shitfaced.

FRANK sighs.

Frank: (to nobody in particular) All I'm saying is that when we arrange to meet at a specific time it doesn't take much to think ahead and work out when you need to start getting ready...

SCENE 6

INT. DINING TABLE. FRANK AND BETTY ARE SAT OPPOSITE ANTON AND NICOLA, WITH THE GUYS OPPOSITE THE GUYS AND THE GIRLS OPPOSITE THE GIRLS. NICOLA STILL REFUSES TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH BETTY.
(MORE)

44. (CONT'D)

Betty: Ooohh it looks great, I wonder if it will taste as good as Nandos.

Frank:

Probably.

Anton: Bit arrogant.

Nicola: Why is it cold?

FRANK sighs.

Anton:

Frank has poor timing.

BETTY eats a mouthful of food.

Betty:

I think it's nice.

Frank: You see, anyone can do Nandos.

(MORE)

45. (CONT'D)

Anton: It's alright - the sauce needs to be spicier. Frank can't handle the heat but I can.

NICOLA plays with the food.

Anton: Do you like the food babes?

Nicola: It's no Chicken Cottage.

Anton: Yeah, I agree. Chicken Cottage is the best. Good healthy protein, eh Frank?

FADE OUT SHOT. FADE BACK IN WHEN THEY HAVE FINISHED THEIR MEAL. NICOLA HAS A BOTTLE OF WINE TO HERSELF THAT IS ALREADY HALF EMPTY, BETTY JUST A GLASS OF WINE, FRANK AND ANTON HAVE A BEER EACH.

Betty:

Mmmm, that was lovely.

Anton: Average. Is there any pudding?

46.

NICOLA downs a glass of wine and rubs her temples as if in some kind of pain.

Frank:

You all right Nicola?

Nicola: (groggy) Yeah, good thanks.

Anton: She's fine, Frank, leave her alone.

Frank: She looks half way to being battered already.

Betty: Frank, don't be so horrible.

Nicola: I'm fine, I'm fine. I didn't sleep much last night so I'm shattered and the drink is going straight to my head.

Betty: If you feel a bit rough we can just go to the toilet if you want?
(MORE)

47. (CONT'D)

Nicola: (alarmed) Why?

What for?

Betty: (trying to be subtle and not mention vomit) You know, to clean up a bit.

NICOLA bows her head looking psychologically confused, and we can see her run her foot up BETTY's leg under the table. BETTY freezes before shuffling back slightly. NICOLA looks down ashamedly.

Frank:

Is everything OK?

Betty:

Yeah, it's all good.

Anton: Is there any pudding?

Frank: No.

Anton: Fuck's sake Frank! Looks like I'm gonna have to save the day and whip something up.

Frank: Like what?

(MORE)

48. (CONT'D)

Anton: Jelly? I'm sure we have jelly. Every house has jelly.

Frank: Jelly? We're not twelve. Plus it needs to set, we won't be eating it til tomorrow!

Betty: Oh, I would have been up for some jelly.

Anton: Of course you would, you filthy bisexual.

Betty: How is that filthy?

NICOLA drains the last of her drink and burps as she has already finished her food. She looks around the rest of the table.

Nicola:

You got another bottle?

SCENE 7 INT. ANTON, NICOLA, FRANK AND BETTY ARE ALL STILL AT THE TABLE DRINKING. NICOLA IS EXTREMELY DRUNK.

(MORE)

49. (CONT'D)

Frank: (pulling ANTON to one side) I think you should keep an eye on Nicola.

Anton: She's fine!

Frank: No she's not. Look at her, she's off her face.

Nicola: (to BETTY) What you looking at you dyke?!

Betty: (to ANTON) Can you sort her out Anton? I'm not taking this sort of abuse from her all night!

Anton: She always calls you a dyke. It's called banter, can't you take a joke?

BETTY walks away from the table, as NICOLA stares viciously at her.

Frank: Just deal with her and make sure she doesn't get any worse.

Anton: She'll be fine. How drunk do you think she is? (MORE)

50. (CONT'D)

Frank: I would say she's definitely on her way to being paralytic.

Anton: Fuck!

Frank: Yeah I know - she's off her tits.

Anton: I need to get as drunk if not more drunk than her.

Frank: How did you work that one out?

Anton: I really want to get laid tonight and it's always a bit awkward if you shag someone who is smashed when you're practically sober. It taints it slightly.

Frank: How honourable!

Anton: What can I say, I'm a lovely boyfriend!

(MORE)

51. (CONT'D)

Frank: I don't think you're technically boyfriend and girlfriend.

ANTON walks to tend to NICOLA. FRANK walks to BETTY who is sat on the sofa.

Frank: You ok?

Betty: Yeah, I'll be fine. I want to get shitfaced.

Frank: I'll get you another drink then?

Betty: Aw thanks babe. I'm going to find someone else for our threesome tonight. I need it now.

Frank: Really? Tonight? Where are you going to find them?

Betty: I'll look around the streets in town and find someone.
(MORE)

52. (CONT'D)

Frank: I'm not sure about this, isn't that what prostitutes do?

Betty: Don't worry, I'll find someone nice.

BETTY gives FRANK a full-on snog and walks out the door before FRANK can say anything. Shot goes back to ANTON and NICOLA at the dining table. ANTON has just downed another drink as empty bottles gather on the table.

Anton: There we go babes. You impressed?

NICOLA says nothing.

Anton: What if I do a shot of sambuca? Will that impress you?

Nicola: If you want.

Anton: I'll do some more shots in a bit. Just need to go to the toilet.

53.

ANTON goes to kiss NICOLA on the lips, she moves away and he catches her on the cheek. NICOLA walks away and heads to the sofa to sit with FRANK. ANTON walks to the toilet with a bottle of sambuca.

Nicola: Where's the dyke gone?

Frank: Gone to find someone for the threesome.

Nicola: I could be the third person?

Frank: No, you're alright.

Nicola: I'm really good in bed, Frank. Really good.

Frank: Maybe, but I think we'll give it a miss.

Nicola: Are you a fucking bender?

(MORE)

54. (CONT'D) Frank: No, Anton is my cousin and you're his girlfriend.

Nicola: No I'm not. I could fuck whoever I want. I could even fuck you!

Frank: No you couldn't.

Nicola: Yes I could.

NICOLA grabs FRANK and starts kissing him. FRANK stops it.

Frank: What the fuck are you doing?

NICOLA grabs FRANK again and tries to kiss him. FRANK stops it again. ANTON walks out of the toilet.

Nicola: (shouting to ANTON) Frank tried to kiss me.

Frank: No I didn't, she grabbed me.

Anton: What the fuck Frank! (MORE)

55. (CONT'D)

Frank: I didn't do anything - it was literally all her.

Anton: Do you want some?

Frank: "Do I want some"? What does that even mean?

Anton: I've been pumping iron all day and I will fuck you up.

Frank: I didn't do anything. Look at her, she's a mess!

NICOLA is slumped on the sofa with her legs wide open.

Anton: Arm wrestle.

Frank: What?

Anton: Arm wrestle me now. I'll prove that I'm the better man. (MORE)

56. (CONT'D)

Frank: Anton, you don't need to do this.

Anton: So I'm the better man then?

Frank: No. There's just nothing to fight over. Nicolas just proved me right.

Anton: Arm wrestle now!

Nicola: Come on Anton beat the bender. He took advantage of me.

ANTON walks to the dining table and gets himself in the arm wrestling position.

Anton: Come on then you pussy.

Frank: I'll arm wrestle you once, but that's it. (MORE)

57. (CONT'D)

Anton: Bring it.

FRANK sits down and starts the arm wrestling contest. FRANK immediately gains the upper hand and ANTON is on the backfoot.

Anton: I've got no grip. I've got no fucking grip.

Frank: There's plenty of grip.

Anton: Fuck off, there isn't. We need a judge. Nicola, Nicola?

NICOLA is passed out on the sofa. FRANK slams ANTON's hand to the table.

Frank: Yes!

Anton: Best of three?

(MORE)

58. (CONT'D) Frank: No, I said one contest and that was it.

Anton: Pussy.

FRANK gets up and walks to the sofa where NICOLA has passed out.

Frank: Nicola's passed out.

Anton: Fuck's sake! Did you spike her drink?

Frank: Why would I spike her drink?

Anton: Jealousy. That's why you tried it on with her.

Frank: I didn't try it on - it was her.

Anton: Bullshit!

Frank: Can't you see what a whore she is? Wht are you so taken with her?

(MORE)

59. (CONT'D)

Anton: Don't push me Frank.

BETTY walks into the flat with the GYM INSTRUCTOR.

Betty: Frank, I think I've found the missing piece to your sexual fantasy - meet Ashley.

Frank:

Ashley?

Ashley (Gym Instructor):

You?

Frank: (to BETTY) Him? The gym instructor? Another man?

Betty: Well yeah, it's a threesome. We need three people.

Frank: Well yeah, but I would only do it with another woman. Two men and one woman is a bad threesome. Also he's a dick, all he does is perv at women at the gym all day.

Betty: What so I'm not woman enough for you am I?

(MORE)

60. (CONT'D)

Frank: I even want with that you would question.

didn't say that! I don't a threesome, especially knob! I just said it so stop asking that stupid

Ashley: Is this thing still going to happen? I'm not being funny, but loads of girls were giving me the eye out tonight.

Frank: No, Ashley, no it's not. And the only reason why they were looking at you is because they were thinking "Is that the wanker that constantly stares at me on the aductor machine?"

Ashley: What's that?

Frank: You're a gym instructor and you don't even know what an aductor is?

ASHLEY looks at FRANK blankly.

Frank: It's the fanny machine.

Ashley: Oh yeah, I know the one! (MORE)

61. (CONT'D)

Betty: You're such a wet blanket, Frank. Why do you always suck the life and joy out of things?

Frank: Oh I'm sorry for not wanting you to bring another man into our love life! I'd love to see him fucking you while I sit and play with my balls waiting for my turn! That sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Betty: And another woman would be fine for me would it?

Frank: You're a bisexual for fuck sake, it should be perfect for you!

Ashley:

I'm going back outside.

Betty: (To ASHLEY) No Ashley, you aren't going anywhere. (To FRANK) Frank, I think we have some serious issues that need sorting out, or otherwise we just can't go on.

Frank: You know what? Fuck it. I'm fed up of this relationship. (MORE)

62. (CONT'D) I don't know why I got with you in the first place, we have nothing in common and I dislike everything that comes out of your mouth. Let's just forget everything and call it day. I really don't care enough for this amount of drama.

Betty: me?

Are you breaking up with

Frank: No, I'm offering a mutual agreement to end a sexual relationship, which Im sure wont break either of our hearts.

BETTY stands still, brimming with rage. NICOLA wakes up.

Betty: Fuck you then!! Come on Ashley, let's go.

Nicola: Ashley, how do I know that name? (looks at Ashley) Oh, you all right, babe?

Ashley:

All right, girl?

Anton: (to NICOLA) How do you know him?

Frank: How do you think Anton?

63.

ANTON goes to respond before NICOLA speaks.

Nicola (to BETTY): You want me, don't you?

Betty: No, I don't.

Nicola: Yes you do, you kissed me a week ago.

Anton (to BETTY): You kissed Nicola?

Betty: We had to otherwise the taxi driver would not have let us out. After you ran away.

Anton (to BETTY): I can't believe you took advantage of my darling Nicola. (To NICOLA) If you were going to kiss a girl you could've at least done it in front of me.

Betty: I didn't take advantage of her - she's a slag.

(MORE)

64. (CONT'D) Anton (to Betty): No she's not, she's lovely. You fancy her, don't you?

Frank: (to ANTON) Anton, she is a slag. She just tried it on with me. (To BETTY) Betty, you cant say anything about Nicola being a slag you're copping off with a bloke you just met.

NICOLA walks to Anton's room. ANTON follows. Anton (to NICOLA): Babe?

Betty: I'm not taking this.

Frank: Leave then.

Betty: I need a room to cop off with Ashley in.

Frank: You can use Anton's room, he lets god knows who sleep in there.

Betty: Great, come on Ashley (grabs his hand).

(MORE)

65. (CONT'D)

Frank: I was being sarcastic.

FRANK grabs his coat and heads to the door.

Betty: Where are you going?

Frank: For a walk. Let yourself out.

FRANK slams the door and walks out.

Ashley (to BETTY): We could go to the gym and have sex?

SCENE 8

INT. ANTON AND NICOLA ARE SAT IN ANTON'S ROOM. NICOLA IS SLUMPED ON ANTON'S BED.

(MORE)

66. (CONT'D)

Anton: I can't believe Betty - what a bitch! And, don't worry about Frank, I'll kick him out and you can live with me.

NICOLA grimaces.

Nicola: Anton, look this arrangement isn't working.

Anton: What?

Nicola: You're suffocating me!

Anton: But, I was going to give you this (gets out the promise ring).

Nicola: Wow, look how big it is (grabs the promise ring). Are you going to propose?

Anton: No, it's a promise ring. It's a sign of our undying love.

(MORE)

67. (CONT'D) Nicola: You have to be shitting me!

Anton: What?

Nicola: Anton, I don't love you. I never once said we were in a relationship. I don't want to be tied down. I just like - being free.

Anton: But you like me the most out of everyone right?

Nicola: No. I slept with three other people this week and you would not make the podium.

ANTON hangs his head looking upset.

Anton: So I guess this is the end then?

Nicola: There's nothing to end!

Anton: Oh.

68.

NICOLA looks at the promise ring again.

Nicola: How much did this cost you?

Anton: I don't know - a lot.

Nicola: (admiring the promise ring) I could always keep the ring - if you want.

Anton: I dunno - it was a lot of money.

Nicola: Please?

Anton: Ok, it could always keep our flame alive.

ANTON goes to kiss NICOLA who moves out of the way.

Nicola: I thought our one last moment could be you giving me the ring. It would mean a lot to me.
(MORE)

69. (CONT'D)

Anton: Ok then.

ANTON goes to put the ring on NICOLA's finger. She grabs it and puts it on herself.

Nicola: (admiring the ring on her finger) Wow, look how good it looks on me! Thanks babe.

NICOLA then passes out on the bed. ANTON tries to wake her up before sobbing quietly to himself.

SCENE 9

EXT. FRANK IS WALKING ALONG THE STREETS AND SEES A YOUNG WOMAN (ANNE-MARIE) SITTING ON A WALL, CRYING. HE INITIALLY WALKS PAST IGNORING HER, BUT THEN GROWS CONCERNED AND GOES BACK TO SEE WHAT'S WRONG.

Frank: You ok? Is it your birthday?

ANNE-MARIE looks up at FRANK.

Anne-Marie:

What?

(MORE)

70. (CONT'D)

Frank: I just thought, well, you were crying, and girls always cry on their birthdays and - look, don't worry about it. Are you ok? Do you need anything?

Anne-Marie: I'm fine, you can just go wherever you were going, its fine.

Frank: Well, I wasn't really going anywhere, I was just walking around.

Anne-Marie: Oh God, you aren't going to rape me are you?

Frank: No, no, no! Not like prowling! I just had to get outside because my cousin's a knob and this girl I was on/off with wanted to have sex with another man right in front of me. Sorry to unload on you, I'll just go now if -

Anne-Marie: (laughing slightly) No it's fine, you sound a bit like me.

ANNE-MARIE lets her words fall into silence. FRANK is hooked, so he takes a seat next to ANNE-MARIE.

(MORE)

71. (CONT'D)

Frank:

How do you mean?

Anne-Marie: Well I saw my ex out tonight, and he was with another girl - another WHORE! Sorry, it's the first time I've seen him out with someone else and it kinda broke my heart. Again.

Frank: I see. Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Anne-Marie: Don't worry about it. I'm just being silly. I need to sort myself out, it's been six months since we broke up. He was just my first boyfriend and all -

Frank: You don't need to explain, these things are hard.

Anne-Marie: Urgh, I feel like such a dick. All this moping isnt good for me, I need to go home. I just need to forget this night and start afresh tomorrow. Im a bit disappointed that someone saw me now.

Frank: Well, crying on a wall in the middle of a street isnt the most discreet of things to do if you dont want to be seen. (MORE)

72. (CONT'D) Anne-Marie: (smiling) Be quiet you smart arse. (Punches Frank lightly on the arm) Maybe I was just waiting for a knight in shining armour to come along and tell me everything would be all right.

Frank: Oh right, well if youre expecting someone - I can just take off?

Anne-Marie: No silly! funny arent you?

Youre a

Frank:

Im not, Im seriously not.

Anne-Marie: Well, you brightened up my night anyway.

Frank: Well to be fair you were crying on your own, so your night couldnt get much worse. But if it made you smile then Im fine with that.

Anne-Marie:

Whats your name?

Frank:

Frank, and yours?

(MORE)

73. (CONT'D)

Anne-Marie:

Im Anne-Marie.

Frank: Well, its very nice to meet you Anne-Marie. Im glad I went for this walk now.

Anne-Marie: Me too. Right, I think I should make my way home now, this night has been eventful enough already.

Frank: I think that would be wise. Do you want me to call a cab for you or something?

Anne-Marie: No it's fine, I'll walk, it's only five minutes down the road.

ANNE-MARIE gets up and slowly edges away. suit, but is evidently awkward.

FRANK follows

Frank: guess?

Well, good night then, I

Anne-Marie: Are you going to go home now, too? (MORE)

74. (CONT'D)

Frank: No, I'm not going back there tonight, it's like a mental institution. I'll just walk around for a while and - well - I don't know really! I havent thought that far ahead.

FRANK laughs to himself.

Anne-Marie: Well, you can walk me home if you like? If you want?

Frank:

Yeah, ok.

Anne-Marie: Cool. I mean, were not going to have sex or anything -

Frank:

Oh no, no -

Anne-Marie:

No -

Frank:

Definitely not -

(MORE)

75. (CONT'D)

Anne-Marie: No, I mean, you are welcome to crash if you want? If youre only other option is walking the streets or sleeping on a park bench.

Frank: Well, yeah, that sounds a bit better than my plan, or lack of a plan.

Anne-Marie: Good then, fine. I just didn't want there to be any confusion. I know a lot of girls are different but sex actually means something to me, so, I don't hand it out like biscuits.

Frank: Of course. I'll just crash on your sofa or something.

ANNE-MARIE and FRANK start to walk off into the distance.

Anne-Marie: I mean, if worst comes to worst we can always just hug.

ANNE-MARIE giggles and nudges FRANK away from her.

(MORE)

76. (CONT'D) Frank: We can do whatever you want, but as soon as you're asleep I'm stealing your TV and computer and I'm outta there!

Anne-Marie:

Oh sssh you.

ANNE-MARIE leans in towards FRANK, who puts his arm around her.

SCENE 10 INT. MORNING AFTER. ANNE-MARIE'S BEDROOM. FRANK WAKES UP AND LOOKS AROUND. HE SEES POSTERS OF ZAC EFRON, JOHNNY DEPP, ASHTON KUTCHER AND ALL SORTS OF SHIRTLESS, MUSCULAR HUNKS. HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE PINK BED SHEETS AND THE GENERAL TEENAGE GIRL THEME OF THE BEDROOM. THE CAMERA PANS OUT AND ANNEMARIE IS LAYING NEXT TO HIM. SHE TOO WAKES UP AND ROLLS UP AGAINST HIM. SHE LOOKS UP AND SMILES.

Anne-Marie:

Morning.

Frank:

Morning.

Anne-Marie:

You ok?

Frank:

Yeah, fine. (MORE)

77. (CONT'D) Feeling very pink in here.

Anne-Marie: Oh yeah, it's a bit girly. Didn't you see it last night?

Frank: Well no, it was dark at first and then when you turned the lights on you made me cover my eyes until you got changed and were under the sheets.

Anne-Marie:

True.

Frank:

- so, how old are you?

Anne-Marie:

18.

Frank:

Oh right.

Nearly 19?

Anne-Marie: Nope, just 18. Recently 17.

Frank:

Ok, that's great, fine.

78.

ANNE-MARIE smiles and kisses FRANK on the cheek.

Anne-Marie:

You're cute.

ANNE-MARIE lays her head on FRANK's chest and they both just lay there. FRANK looks concerned.

- ENDS -