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Issue 3Sabb Special!

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HORROR! MONDO VALENTINES OVERBOOKING SCANDAL

Dozens of hopeful students have already been contacted this Mondo is well known for its not-in-the-Michelin-guide food and week in a rush to correct a mistake in the Mondo booking list, its sophisticated yet welcoming ambience, which is why its after a rogue Mondo staff member, who hasnt been named, particularly popular for students and staff alike for a place to cancelled bookings in an effort to make people see what share some quiet time with a loved one. Steven Loader, a disappointment feels like. psychology student who ate their last year, was particularly disappointed at being told his table had actually been booked by Valentines is always our busiest night. We usually get around students David Khan and 200-250 applications for tables, and every year we have to turn Anthony King Sarah Williams: away countless people. There are many difficulties that pop up around this time of year setting up the restaurant for tables of Im outraged! I had been looking forward for ages to taking my two, making the atmosphere even more romantic than usual, girlfriend to Mondo. Its really the only time in the year when we ensuring theres nothing on the menu that the SU would see as get to eat somewhere as nice as Mondo is. offensive or directly alluding to Christian Now well have to go to The Lemon Tree. Busiest Night holidays. Mondo is expected to provide a commiseration pack to any Thank goodness this year Valentines falls on a Tuesday, so we couples who have been taken off the exclusive guest list, and will dont need to find a table for Anthony King as well. be offering cut price Mondo platters to them at a later date.

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A GLOSSARY FOR THE PEOPLE WHOD LIKE TO KNOW BUT DONT

Statistically, you dont really care about Students Union elections or the Students Union. Just in case youre one of those people who does, either for a genuine concern for Students Rights [EdGood one] or just want to make your CV look impressive (in which case, people can tell, you know) then heres a little guide for people who have literally no knowledge at all about Students Union politics. Students Union: People tell us that students are disenfranchised these days, so lets start from the top; the SU organises nights out on campus. It runs Top Bar and the SU bar (were told), the Bakery, the Campus Shop, Level 2 & Subzero, Mondo and the row of shops just past the SU bar. If you want to start a society, sports club or student newspaper the people you need to email are here. Dont hold your breath. Theyre like the government Of Scotland. Sabbatical Officers: There are 7 positions (President and VPs for Welfare, Services, Activities, Education, International and Southend and Loughton) which are filled by democratically elected students who work at the SU for a year for about 17,500. Theyre the cheerful-looking folk who wear hoodies. Last years Sabbatical Elections ran twice because of a scandal, so expect a lot of attention on a clean election this year. Sabbatical Elections: If this isnt self-explanatory to you then you might just be the type of person who should stand. Also up for grabs this year are Trustee positions, where you get free entry into venues at the risk of going to jail if the SU does something illegal. General Elections: This is for first and second years who want to stand for committee positions and part-time officer positions. Great for CV-boosting, great for spring-boarding you into Sabbatical elections. Election Scandals of Last Year: In previous years, candidates were allowed to run in slates (parties) of about 5 to 7 people. Last year, the slate Yes Essex was accused of cheating and disqualified. They were accused of going into student accommodation and voting on students computers. For the re-run election, Yes Essex were disqualified and other candidates had to run as individuals. In the general elections, the slate Revolution Essex were disqualified for the same thing. This year, slates will still be allowed in the general election.

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TYPES OF SABBATICAL CANDIDATES (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

Too popular not to run: If you've shaken hands with him, he's your friend. A genuinely nice guy; perhaps hasn't got the most experience in the Students Union, but we are, nominally, a democracy, and when you have that many friends, who would want a meritocracy? Student Socialist: It's his moral duty to run: the coalition are attacking the foundations of education; eroding the welfare state. But not anymore. The fight back starts today. Okay, well maybe the 1st of July; he has exams before. If he doesn't win this, a life of social media campaigning against neo-liberalism is in order. High stakes for this election. The Second Year: Second year is only 40% of the overall mark; better to run now when they can devote every waking moment for a week to getting people they've shared a class with or been in a society with to vote for them to have a year off in Student Politics. Doesn't have a Graduate Job Yet: Crumbs! It's January, mid-way through their last year! Their law friends have training contracts, their economics friends have city trading schemes, most others are going for Masters programmes. The only option is to delay for a year and use your spare time outside the SU corridor to really get to grips with the CV you haven't touched since first year. The Secret Conservative: You saw him at their socials; he was in a suit, carefree, and openly talked about privatisation in public. Now it's Sabbatical Election year. For his back of a napkin career master plan to come true he needs a Sabb position. Time to join societies and be more outgoing than before; this is ultimately a good thing as he will come out of his shell. Unfortunately nobody who pays attention to student politics (20-40 people) will buy it. The Incumbent: They've realised their pledges last year were over-ambitious. They'll try again though if it ain't broke don't fix it plus, having already spent a year talking to students, they should find it easier than last time. What's more is they get a week off work to Campaign; the others still have lectures. Suckers. Unfortunately you can only run for a maximum of two terms, after that it's the real world for you. Or the NUS.

FOX GUIDES: HOW TO RUN IF YOURE NOT POPULAR.

Step One: Campaign with vigour to get slates back on the cards. Slates are elected according to their highest denominator, not their lowest; if you arent popular, you might consider how running alongside someone who is very popular will improve your chances. However, with at least one exec bound to vote against it, the chances of you succeeding in this attempt are quite slim. (And lets face it, you dont have much sway) Step Two: Become Friends with those you normally wouldnt. Success in Sabbatical elections is very much contingent on how many friends you have to vote for you, because the average student isnt going to. Maximising the number of people who want to vote for you, i.e., the number of people who think youre their friend, is a sure way to combat the indifference of 20-yearolds to paraphrase Clay Shirky, and lower the odds against you.

Step Three: Radically revise your personality and everything about you. Something specific holding you back? How about changing every single thing about your currently dislikeable personality. Stop supporting a political party, stop dressing like a twat, stop studying hard, stop staying in and never going out. Certainly dont listen to people wholl tell you that you shouldnt; its all going to disappear when you win anyway.

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GUIDE TO OFF-CAMPUS LIVING: STUDENT ADVICE

Choose an area to look in. (Alex de Boer, 2nd year Criminal Law student from Johannesburg, South Africa) Colchester is a great place to live. Theres hardly any crime, the roads are well organised and safe and there is nearly no murder at all. You dont even need to lock your car doors when you drive along. In terms of which area to live, you really cant miss! Decide how far from university you can be. (Jack Tomlinson, 3rd year Biology student from Anchorage, Alaska) Colchester is tiny and really easy to travel around. It only takes about a day to walk from one side to the other, and youre pretty much right next to everything wherever you decide to live. I lived in Wivenhoe last year and I was amazed at how it was only a 40-minute walk to university every morning. Plus, youre only an hours train ride from London, so Colchester is really central to the UK. Its great! How much should you be paying? (Katharine Wilson, 3rd year Politics and Law student from London, UK) Colchester is really cheap to live in. Rent starts at, like, 250pcm, which is so cheap. Sure, the houses might not have views of the Thames like where I live, and yah, Colchester isnt a 2-minute walk to Daddys office in Canary Wharf, but I didnt realise houses could be so cheap. I was really surprised by how the student house market is only a little bit more expensive than the regular house market. It really is amazing! My flat this year is on Lightship Way, and it only costs my parents like 8,000 a year minus bills. Surely thats within anyones budget? Find your house. (Bryn Jones, 3rd year Human Rights student, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales) There are many people who will tell you that you cant find a nice house in Colchester. Dont believe them; there are many, many beautiful houses in Colchester. Theyre all cheap to rent, all in convenient locations within walking distance of the university, and are all in safe areas. Some of them even have central heating. Its really nice to come home from Uni and have running water in your house without having to walk the three miles to the water pump. Should you consider living on campus? (David Ng, 2nd year Politics student from Beijing, China) Campus living is great; its not crowded, and the possibility that you end up living with someone is pretty small. Even if you do, you hardly ever see them, because they never come into your room. I mean, unless you spend any time at all in the kitchen, then you wont see your housemates. So basically living on campus is a great option if youre an international student. If you enjoyed it in your 1st year, youll enjoy it again. How much can you expect to spend a year on bills? (Chris Mitchell, 3rd year Economics student, Labrador, Canada) Colchester is always warm. Last year the coldest it got was about -10C, which compared to the -50C we get at home is nothing. Because of this you wont need to spend anything on heating bills. Since days are so long even in winter you will also never need to use lights, so electricity will be pretty low as well.