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Seinfeld Season 1 Episode 1- “The Seinfeld Chronicles”

Episode 1: This series features the title character's humorous insights on life and his experiences as a bachelor. Initially, a girl Jerry met on the road wants to stay with him when she comes to New York. George thinks that she is just using Jerry as contingency plan. Kramer comes by to borrow a couple of pieces of meat. The girl calls and asks Jerry if she can stay at his apartment for the night, when she arrives she asks to stay for another night. Jerry is disappointed when everything is going his way until he finds out she is engaged. Air Date: 7/5/89

JERRY: You know, why we're here? [he means: here in the "Comedy club"] To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. [Scene: Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.] JERRY: Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. [talking about George's shirt] The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother. GEORGE: Are you through? [kind of irritated] JERRY: You do of course try on, when you buy? GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons. JERRY: Oh, you don't recall? GEORGE: [pretends he's talking into a microphone] Uh, no, not at this time. JERRY: Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. [a waitress approaches the table] WAITRESS: Mister Seinfeld. [she pours coffee in his cup] Mister Costanza. [she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her] 1

you didn't! JERRY: I thought I told you about it. she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing. I have to do it in my head: decaf left. what. you know... obviously much better.. are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? WAITRESS: It's missing.GEORGE: Are. but is was great. what happened? JERRY: Oh. ya know. decaf left. 2 .it's very challenging work. nothing happened..not exactly. [she pours the coffee and walks away] GEORGE: How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow? JERRY: Well.. wait a second. it was. yes. it's a cup of coffee. GEORGE: Wait a second. ya know. JERRY: Yeah. but. what coming in. I mean.the conversation though.talking with her is like talking with you. nothing happened. she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh.. GEORGE: So. GEORGE: This is great! JERRY: Yeah... ya know. there's this uh. [takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table] what is she like? JERRY: Oh. ya know. I mean. what woman is coming in? JERRY: I told you about Laura. she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! JERRY: Yeah.. but it was. GEORGE: [with a big smile] So. [ironically] JERRY: Can you relax. GEORGE: Oh.. what is she. she said. well. regular right. Claire is a professional waitress. she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. what. WAITRESS: Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. I mean...[looks in the milk can] There's no milk in here. GEORGE: Wait wait wait.. woman might be comin' in.. the girl I met in Michigan? GEORGE: No. regular right. she's really great.

. [George shows his note-block to Jerry. what are you asking her? Now. you're a woman. a woman calls me. come on now.. GEORGE: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"? JERRY: Yeah! GEORGE: No. JERRY: [indignant] What..why.. how is she gonna know? GEORGE: [to Claire] Now. you wanna know why she called you? JERRY: Yes! GEORGE: You're a back-up.GEORGE: [whistles disapproving] Ho ho ho. a just-in-case.. maybe. a contingency! JERRY: Oh.. I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. ya know. George? GEORGE: Uhm. "Had to"? "Had to come in"? JERRY: Yeah. George stops her and writes something on his note-block] Claire. but.no. and maybe [again some gestures] she'll see me when she gets there.. I didn't want to tell you this. from a female point of view. ya know.ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call. right? CLAIRE: What gave it away. JERRY: To be polite? You are insane! GEORGE: All right.. a B-plan. you're a second-line. GEORGE: [The waitress(Claire) passes the table... Claire.. all right? She says she has to [makes some gestures to accent "has to"] come to New York on business. this is about the button. why did she call? GEORGE: How do I know. I get it. JERRY: [to George] Oh. JERRY: Oh you are beautiful! [ironically] GEORGE: and.. all right.I'd like to ask you. it says very largely: NO] 3 . does this woman intend to spend time with me? CLAIRE: I'd have to say: uuhh. are you serious..no. no.. maybe she wanted to be polite.

GEORGE: I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. CLAIRE: [to Jerry] Don't worry. GEORGE: To be polite. I rest my case. come with me [stands up].. JERRY: Good. come on. Jerry. I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up. look at this guy! Look. panics] Right. if you were busy? JERRY: No. this is not his first load. but how could you be so sure? GEORGE: [gets up] 'Cause it's signals. GEORGE: I can't believe: [falls on his knees] WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! JERRY: Yeah.GEORGE: [to Claire] So why did she call? CLAIRE: To be polite. what you were doin' tomorrow night. JERRY: Oh.. Did she even ask you. 4 . George is staring at one of the dryers] GEORGE: Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':. I knew I felt something. Claire walks away with a smile] [Scene: Laundry. Jerry [starts snapping his fingers]. a man passes George and Jerry] JERRY: Well.this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.. GEORGE: I need a break. it's signals! Don't you. GEORGE: What?! JERRY: Laura.. he's got everything. he's got: detergents. be a "come-with-guy". come on.. GEORGE: Come on. Jerry and George are there. what you're talking about. Did you have fun? You have no idea. [walks away from the dryer.! [Jerry is laughing. JERRY: And you didn't even hear how she sounded. sprays. GEORGE: [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. fabric softeners. I feel so cramped.. I gotta get out of the city.. I..all right. I'm tired. now.. ya know. I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.

what hotel she's staying at. GEORGE: You're gonna "overdry" it.. Jerry. GEORGE: What is that? It's ridiculous! [Jerry bobs agreeingly] You don't even know. don't interrupt the cycle.. You know. JERRY: This is insane. that's a signal! [snaps his fingers again] Signal! JERRY: Maybe you're right. why don't you just see if it's dried? JERRY: No no no. You can't "overdie".GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! JERRY: Yeah. JERRY: You. GEORGE: [looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry] Any questions? JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying? [George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid] GEORGE: [points to the dryer] Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! [Jerry looks surprised] [Scene: Comedy club] JERRY: "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the lives of clothes. this is unbelievable. once something is wet. I know. Same thing with death: like once you die you're dead. there's bubbles happening. GEORGE: Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. [George looks puzzled] You see. I don't even know where she's staying! She. The machine is working.shirt grabs the 5 . right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again. GEORGE: Why not? JERRY: Same as you can't "overwet". it knows what it's doing. you're already dead.no. think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. It is. you can't "overdry". you can't "overdry". That's a signal. it. GEORGE: [puts an arm around Jerry and whispers] I know. it's dark. it's wet. just let it finish.. your stuff has to be done by now. they're all kind a dancing around in there. Ya know. [normal voice] Listen. you can't call her. she's not gonna call me..

..[takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets] You got any meat? JERRY: [a little irritated] Meat? I don't. the dryer.Socks are the most amazing article of clothing.. that's what happened! [takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it] Ya know. They got buttons sowed on their faces: join the puppet show. Jerry is watching TV] JERRY: [The phone rings. no problem [hangs up the phone].underwear: "C'mon babe.So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains. I'm sorry. JERRY: [cynical] Yeah you almost went to the game.[in the phone] Yeah.Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! KRAMER: Yeah. I..you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They knew a escape from the dryer.. go. don't say anything. [Jerry sits down on the couch... the Mets blew it tonight.. no. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out.. hello.. they're in the shoes with stinky feet.ya know.. while still at the phone] KRAMER: [enters] Are you up? JERRY: [To Kramer] Yeah.. it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.. I don't know.. it's a tape! I taped the game. They hate their lives. what happened in the game anyway? KRAMER: [still with his head in the refrigerator] What happened? Well. I taped it.hunt! [Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in] Well what. [Scene: Jerry's apartment.. I almost wound up going to that game... Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h.Yeah. you have the wrong number.. I'm sorry. you open up the lid and they'll: [shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid].. Yeah.. I thought you knew.. They plan it in the hamper.. people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah. what are you doing? Kramer.the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. I.. the boring drawers.-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:] Are you done with this? 6 . Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. they STUNK. no [somebody knocks at the door] Yeah? [to the door..Maybe you oughtta get the harpoon out your chest first. KRAMER: Boy. I'm goin'. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road [shows how the sock is going down the road]. come on. I. You come by. let's go". the night before: [sock's voice] "Tomorrow. huh? JERRY: [upset] Ooohhhh. you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it. He picks it up and says:] If you know what happened in the Mets-game.. KRAMER: Hey..

your end's got to come down.... it's no trouble at all. no no... it's OK now..you can have it tomorrow.. KRAMER: Oh. How are you?. KRAMER: You want me to talk to her? JERRY: I don't think so... it's.Your end's got to come down first.let me talk to her [continues this way].. sure. Laura.. KRAMER: I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.Oh.. yeah. go ahead and ask. don't be silly.great. I don't believe it. I misread the whole thing. Jerry picks it up] JERRY: Hello. [shows with his fingers how close it was] JERRY: That close. JERRY: No. it's just my neighbor. to Kramer:] I.. Jerry and George enter. I can be very persuasive. KRAMER: NOW SLIDE!. great..I got my friend George to take me. a lawyer. [talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth] Have you got your end?..That.. huh? KRAMER: You better believe it.Yeah.No. that was her..What time does the plane get in?. JERRY: Yeah... KRAMER: [glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table] When you're done..OK. lifting a heavy mattress] JERRY: If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way.drop it down.. [The phone rings... KRAMER: Give me it. I got it [takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on] ten-fifteen.. She wants to stay here! [Scene: Jerry's apartment....No.. Do you know that I was almost.. JERRY: [gestures Kramer to shut up] No believe me.yeah. let me know... that.. that girl is not comin' uh. bye... I'm always up at this hour.. hi... I.I'll see you tomorrow.... 7 . [hangs up the phone. easy now.Wow! JERRY: ..sure. drop it down.[Kramer suddenly notices something in the Mets-game on TV].JERRY: No.great..uhm...

GEORGE: So what? That's good. JERRY: Yeah. Jerry. all right. I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman. Oh. George. JERRY: Yeah. [suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch] HO. KRAMER: [the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking from the toilet] Oh. I.room. it's not: "How to score on spring break". how could that be good? 8 . he's getting' a drink of water. that wants to sleep with you. HO. can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked. This is New York city: there must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? [waves with his handkerchief] This is the signal. mister Signal.. I don't wanna be presumptuous.. wait a second. that's flattering. where were you yesterday? GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? [sits down] JERRY: [hands George a beer] Look. GEORGE: All right. GEORGE: A decent hotel-room. a decent hotel-room. GEORGE: [ironically] Well. I'm gonna get a ticket. OK.GEORGE: Ya know. KRAMER: Why even give her an option? JERRY: This is a person I like. Oh. it's a very awkward situation.. one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request? JERRY: All right.] KRAMER: [walks in behind the dog and closes the door] He really likes you. one more time. GOOD DOG [etc. JERRY: Now. [sees the mattress on the floor] Is this for that girl? JERRY: Yeah. this is the signal! JERRY: [cynical] This is the signal. would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. I forgot to clean the bathroom. she said she couldn't find a decent hotel. GEORGE: Right. HO. GEORGE: You can't be serious. Thank you.. I.

there's two or three. we're all human beings.. I might be getting in to that. I wish. ALWAYS do the opposite. This is the one I'm. I know I don't have it.real estate? GEORGE: Well. let's go [opens the bathroom door]. to George. if a woman comes over to my house. women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. KRAMER: [stands up from the couch and yells. KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial..Women need them and they don't need one or two.. I know that.Whatta you think: rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They. not bad.. all right. [Scene: Comedy club.. while pointing to the mattress] It's unbelievable.. what is the story? I've never had one. JERRY: This is how you operate? GEORGE: Yeah.. that look like they've been through some horrible experience.. when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now".. where are the cotton-balls.. they're like peat-moss(?) bags.I have no cotton-balls.. the. they're gone.and ya know. let's go! [Jerry and the dog come out] You're on stage in 25 minutes. I don't 9 ... I don't know what they need. 'cause she needs things.. interrogated. GEORGE: Yeah. tortured. JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink..it's a pressure world.. I've never been in a situation.] WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? [Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door. I gotta get that bathroom ready... in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Women need equipment.... KRAMER: [slaps George on the arm] You keep me posted! GEORGE: I'm aware of you.. it's a world of tension.] JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world. they need thousands of them. I never needed one.GEORGE: Because filth is good. it's a world of pain.. they need bags. they have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right.. the bag is empty. it's comin' along..How's the real estate-business? GEORGE:. always has been one of the amazing things to me. Always. ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket.Ya know what they need. have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later. KRAMER: ..[surprised he asked] It's uh. they're out.I never bought one.I can certainly get out of this mess.Why? Did you need something.

[Scene: Airport. JERRY: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching. don't get worked up. the boss thinks you're the man for the position. GEORGE: Ya know a hug: definitely good... in the "lip-area" is good. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'. I took them out. JERRY: Right..I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lockbaggy of cotton-balls over my house.. the hips are eight feet apart? 10 . GEORGE: Listen. instead. JERRY: Uh-huh. why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".. GEORGE: Ya know. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura] JERRY: Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? GEORGE: What a world that would be. Bill. I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. the whole thing is a murder investigation. JERRY: Ya know.ya know: "Well.know what happened to them. 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. JERRY: Really? How? GEORGE: 'Cause it's all in the greeting. listen. The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview. GEORGE: Sure. GEORGE: All right. JERRY: Hug is definitely good. that lasts all night. that's a good sign. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it. I don't know what to do with them. anything in the. figure this is a dead town: "Let's move on". JERRY: "Lip-area".. I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues. if she puts the bags down before she greets you.

JERRY: This is my friend George. but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom.[suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry's eyes] LAURA: Guess who? JERRY: Hey. the bags. George is looking puzzled] JERRY: It's good to see you. JERRY: [privately to George] Now that was an interesting greeting. how nice to meet you. George? 11 . Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. LAURA: [shakes George's hand] Hi. ya know. GEORGE: I see. [they pick up the bags] LAURA: Oh. sure. GEORGE and JERRY: Ooh yeah. that's open to interpretation. hey. a shake is bad. well. JERRY: Ya know how they do that? GEORGE: That's why. did you notice that. sure. JERRY: [to Laura] I can't believe you're here. I hate that. GEORGE: Laura. JERRY: Right.. how are you? JERRY: This is Laura. LAURA and JERRY: Heeeey! [they take each other’s hands like they're planning to do a folk dance..GEORGE: That's so brutal. JERRY: Shake is bad. the warm look in the eyes? GEORGE: Hand-sandwich. thank you. the hand on the top. LAURA: Hi. GEORGE: Hi.

JERRY: [doubtfully] Yeah. make yourself at home. we're goin' on a boat-ride. uhm.. JERRY: You're engaged? LAURA: You. he picks it up] Yeah.yes. she is. yeah. bye [she hangs up the phone].. I. but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan... I'd love to do something.. takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt] So uh.I'm not gonna have this conversation.don't be silly. I'll call you tomorrow. go right ahead.yes. are you doin' anything? LAURA: No..OK. hold on.yes.. why don't you stay? Yeah...why not. wow! This place isn't so bad.GEORGE: Yes.... JERRY: Yeah.. you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster. uh. do you mind if I turn this down? [points to the lamp] JERRY: Uh..no.Hi!. Jerry. what do ya think? LAURA: Ooohhh. yes it's fine.now I know this sounds touristy. JERRY: Really? What would you like to do? LAURA: Well. the "surprise-blindfold-greeting".no. fine. That wasn't in the manual. Jerry shows Laura the apartment] JERRY: So uh.. I was wandering: would it be possible. 12 .. bread. LAURA: Oh.... for me to stay here tomorrow night too? JERRY: Uh... [pours the wine] I'm just.. and if it's not. no. uh..... Uh. LAURA: [she takes the phone] Hello?. I don't know. why not. it kind a motivates me to work on the road. do you have any wine? JERRY. then after that I'm wide open. Never get engaged.salad-dressing? LAURA: [laughs] Actually uhm.look I. [to Laura] Uhm. right on time. I have my seminar in the morning.What is your. [the phone rings. I'm gonna stay here tomorrow. yeah. I'm really glad you're here.. what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you. I think I do..So uh.. [she turns down the lamp] LAURA: Uh. we could do that. water. can I get you anything? Uuhhh. it's for you.. do.no no it was great. hello. [Laura sits down on the couch. sure. yeah.. yeah. [Scene: Jerry's apartment.

don't we..The amazing thing is... but someone from our staff is on the scene.The car-horn-honk. "Where ever women are?".... I am not getting it! Women.. when we see women reading articles. yelling from construction sites. like: "Where to meet men?". OK? I. this man is out of ideas. I think. men get frustrated. JERRY: Yeah. We're here. These are the best ideas we've had so far. it really is: we want women. I'm not getting the signals. This is why you see men honking car-horns. we don't know 'bout that. OK.yeah. he's a great guy. that we still get women. JERRY: You're engaged! [like he's answering his own question] LAURA: Yeah. JERRY: Me too! [Scene: Comedy club.JERRY: You're engaged? [still can't believe it] LAURA: Ya know. How are men getting women. I don't get it.. I can't believe it myself sometimes.everything they do is subtle. men know what men want.] JERRY: I swear. that's it!... I can't wait to get on that boat.. eehhh. eehhh. I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. many people wonder.men are not subtle. we have a lot of areas to cover. uh... we are everywhere. Women know what men want. I mean. You have to start thinking in terms of "we". 13 . We're honking our horns to serve you better. men are with women. I. the woman walks by the front of the car. he may not be our best man..? [imitates horn again] e-e-e-eeeehhhh.That's why. Now.. You see men with women. their little. is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car.. How do we get them? Oh.. we have a man working on the situation right now.ya know. we don't know. Men. The next step after that we have no idea... I. LAURA: You'd really like him. we are obvious. he honks: [imitates horn] e-eeehh. they're so subtle. How does it. it's a very stressful situation.. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. "I don't think she likes me". what do we want? We want women. I admit.It's the only thing we know for sure.