Tales of a Grumpy Cat Volume 1 By Zoe Beaucamp

Text copyright 2012 Zoe Beaucamp All Rights Reserved

To my husband and cats for their unfailing and continued love and purrfect support

Preface
Despite the fact that Peluche must be the worlds grumpiest cat, we love him dearly and would not change him for the world. We just wish that he would voluntarily relinquish our duties as his owners but so far he has chosen to keep us. We are not sure that anyone else could put up with him! This series of short tales describes some of Peluches antics and grumpiness. For all of you cat lovers out there were sure that you will relate to most if not all of his behaviour.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Peluche the Grump ............................................................................................................. 6 Chapter 2 Its a cats life ....................................................................................................................... 7 Chapter 3 Peluche gets fat ................................................................................................................... 8 Chapter 4 The arrival of Nacho ............................................................................................................ 9 Chapter 5 Cat fights............................................................................................................................ 10 Chapter 6 Western cats go East ......................................................................................................... 11 Chapter 7 Japanese style home ......................................................................................................... 12

Chapter 1 Peluche the Grump

Peluche wasnt the happiest of cats. In fact, he was positively miserable. Miserable, and getting fatter by the day. But he wasnt always this way

It all began the day that Nacho arrived. Peluche hated him from the moment he set eyes on him. At first, he thought that Nacho would only stay around for a day or two at most, but oh how wrong he was. Peluches life as he knew it was about to change forever!

Chapter 2 Its a cats life

Lets go back to the time when Peluches life really began. This happened when he left the cat rescue centre and got the chance to belong to his very own family, and his owners absolutely adored him. He was thrilled! They gave him everything a little kitten could dream of - his very own snugly bed, a huge litter tray, dozens of toys and a scratch post. They would often play with him for hours on end much to his delight. They continued to lavish him with affection, even when he woke them up in the middle of the night (which was most nights). Occasionally, as a bit of a treat for his owners, he would choose a nice dark corner in the living room instead of using his litter tray and when they would discover his treasure, they would scream with excitement and rush around making such a fuss of his handiwork. Peluche was bewildered at how easy they were to please. He also loved the way that they admired his scratching skills on their newly papered walls which he preferred to his scratch post. They would raise their voices at him and wave their hands in the air wildly at this natural talent of his. Peluche noticed that certain other talents of his would cause a similar excited reaction. For example, the night that he sneaked into the cellar, landed in an open pot of yellow paint and artistically left tiny yellow paw prints all over the newly fitted kitchen, carpets and bedclothes. He thought that his frantic owners would burst with happiness and so he tried to repeat these kinds of antics as often as he could (for their sakes of course!). After all, a cat had to give a little back.

Aaaah, he was so happy! Life could not get much better for Peluche.

Chapter 3 Peluche gets fat

Although bringing happiness to his owners brought Peluche a measure of satisfaction, there was really only one love in Peluches life FOOD! He just loved to eat as was obvious from the size of his ever growing furry belly! He could eat most things but his favourite all time food were Delishikitty biscuits, which his owners dutifully bought him each week in appreciation and adoration for their wonderfully talented cat. They were his little taste of heaven and he would purr loudly and appreciatively whenever he was fed them. Whenever he wanted extra food, he would often steal the next doors cats food. He would often jump over the fence to check out his neighbour cats meal especially mid afternoons when he would feel a little peckish. To be honest, he had quite a few meal stops on the street in times of hunger pangs and so an hour rarely passed where he would not scoff some poor other cats food. Needless to say, he had grown quite heavy and rotund but very cuddly (he thought).

It was an idyllic life he led for sure. That was until Nacho arrived!

Chapter 4 The arrival of Nacho

It was a day much like any other. Peluche awoke after a hard nights work scratching a fresh patch of wallpaper, stretched and wandered lazily over to his food tray. His gray furry tummy by now had grown sufficiently to swing from side to side as he walked, which he thought was quite becoming. He always liked to leave a small amount of biscuits over from the previous night so he had something to nibble on before his owners eventually got up and refilled his bowl with fresh biscuits. He had noticed that, if he had been particularly diligent with his scratching in the wee early hours, his owners would be exhausted from the excitement and stay in bed longer than usual. But he didnt mind, after all - he loved to make them happy. He could hear voices upstairs. Ah, his owners were finally stirring and getting up to feed him. But wait a minute! What was that unfamiliar smell? And those strange high pitched squeaking sounds? Was that laughter he could hear? Time to investigate he thought, after one final stretch. OH MY GOODNESS!! WHO... IS THAT? What is that doing on MYBED? Peluche gasped to himself. It looked just like he did when he was a kitten only not as cute (or so he thought)! Words cannot describe the rush of emotions that Peluche was feeling at this minute but he knew they werent good. In Peluches world there was only room for one cat HIM! He would not, COULD not, share affection or adoration with any other creature, PERIOD!

After a brief panic attack, Peluche composed himself enough to go and investigate the new addition but Nacho had already spotted his big brother-to-be and excitedly ran over to dive on him and play. Peluche knew at that moment that his life as he knew it had changed forever and he hated that small gray ball of fluff called Nacho with a passion.

Chapter 5 Cat fights

Fortunately, Nacho never realized just how much Peluche hated him. He thought he was the beloved little brother and just assumed that all big brothers hissed and tried to scratch or bite their little brothers. No matter what Peluche did to Nacho to show him how much he hated him, it never stopped Nacho from loving his big brother. The time Peluche fought Nacho the most was when he was feeling hungry. He hated feeling hungry it was his pet hate! He would take out all of his frustration at not being fed out on poor little Nacho, but as usual, Nacho thought it was just a game big brothers played.

The only advantage to having Nacho was that if he ate superfast and finished his own biscuits, he got the chance to eat most of Nachos food too. He had gotten this trick down to a fine art and in no time at all had managed to increase his food intake sufficiently to feel that Nachos arrival was maybe now only 99% detrimental to his happiness. Of course, Nacho didnt mind sharing his biscuits with his big brother and Peluche politely obliged! Life was starting to settle into a kind of bearable routine for Peluche, although far from ideal. But things were soon to change again for the worse far worse than Peluche could ever have imagined.

Chapter 6 Western cats go East

Oblivious to the fact that his owners had decided to temporarily move to Japan due to a work opportunity, Peluche was quite confused when he and Nacho had to have extra injections and checks at the vets this time round. Going to the vets was another of his pet hates and if looks could kill, that vet would be dead and buried. It was always such an undignified experience involving needles and thermometers and not the ones you stick in your mouth! He had also noticed the recent purchase of two cages and lots of suitcases being packed. That fateful day finally arrived! It all started as normal in the morning but Peluche could sense in the air that something was not right. The huge pile of biscuits given was what first made him suspicious guilt feeding! And sure enough, he was right. Before he could so much as say Delishikitty him and Nacho were whooshed into those new sinister cages and subjected to what can only be described as a cat horror movie. He was subjected to a four hour car journey (he hated car journeys!), a two hour quarantine wait in some noisy, smelly waiting room at the airport (he hated noise) and then a fourteen hour flight to Tokyo (he didnt know it at the time but he was soon to hate flights). Now, all of this would have been almost bearable had he been given sufficient food to soothe his soul but oh no! To add insult to injury, he had to be starved before and during the flight! Only water was available. This was just unacceptable! Where are my cat rights, he thought. His owners were also very insensitive about his weight when they found out at check in that they had to pay per kilo of cat which made Peluches airfare (six kilos worth) more expensive than theirs. How rude! On board the aircraft Peluche was stressed and grumpy to the highest degree and wondered when this nightmare would end or in other words, when he would be fed. At least Nacho was suffering with him too, he peevishly thought. He had no idea what was awaiting them after touching down in the land of the rising sun.

Chapter 7 Japanese style home

After the hellish journey, Peluche and Nacho were reclaimed from the luggage carousel. Peluche had a murderous look in his eyes but Nacho was so thrilled and relieved to see his owners at last! He is so lame, Peluche thought. At long last, they were released from their cages and introduced to their new home for the next year or two. Peluche was very unimpressed it was tiny! No space at all in fact you couldnt swing a cat in it literally! Then to his utter disbelief he discovered that there was no garden only a yard with pathetic stones. What! No grass! This is a joke - take me hooooooome, he cried. After being allowed to investigate outdoors, he was shocked upon discovering that the local cats were not swooning over his good lucks and charming speech. They couldnt even understand him! They spoke another cat language which was so weird. Not like anything he had ever heard before. While Nacho soon made new friends, Peluche refused to mingle at all with them. He wanted nothing to do with them and even their food was strange. He missed his favourite biscuits which you could not find here in Japan. He hated Japan, he hated his owners even more for bringing him here but most of all, he hated Nacho! Happy little adorable Nacho! Hisssssssss!

How on earth would Peluche survive in Japan ?