1. THERE'S REUSABLE BACON GREASE IN A MAXWELL HOUSE CAN IN THE CENTER OF THE BUR NERS ON YOUR STOVE. 2.

TURNING UP THE HEAT MEANS TURNING ON ANOTHER BURNER ON THE STOVE. 3. THE BATTERIES IN YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ARE HELD IN PLACE WITH A PIECE OF TAPE. 4. YOU HAVE PROJECT HEAT. (NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR WINDOW IN THE WINTER.) 5. SOMETHING SMELLS SPOILED IN THE REFRIGERATOR, AND ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE BO X OF ARM & HAMMER BAKING SODA. 6. YOUR DRINKING GLASSES USED TO BE JELLY JARS. 7. YOUR FURNITURE IS COVERED IN PLASTIC. 8. YOU RUN TO GET POTS AS SOON AS IT RAINS. 9. THE ROACHES IN YOUR HOUSE ONLY COME OUT WHEN COMPANY COMES. 10. YOU STILL REFER TO YOUR STEREO AS THE HI-FI. 11. YOU REFER TO YOUR DRESSER AS "THE BUREAU." 12. YOU REFER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AS AN ICEBOX. 13. THE BACK OF YOUR TOILET SEAT IS ALWAYS OFF, AND YOU KNOW HOW TO MANUALLY FLU SH IT. 14. YOU HAVE MORE THAN TEN USES FOR VASELINE, AND ONE OF THEM IS SHOE POLISH. 15. YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE CLEAN UNLESS THERE IS VISIBLE BABY POWDER ON YOUR NEC K AND CHEST, AND YOU AIN'T EVEN NO BABY. 16. THE HEELS OF YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KICKING FLOUR. 17. YOUR COLLAR IS STILL UP. 18. YOU WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: BRUTE, HAI KARATE, JEAN NATE, OLD SPICE, CHLO E, ENGLISH LEATHER, CHARLIE, FABERGE' 19. YOU USE TUSSY. 20. YOU USE BLACK EYE LINER TO LINE YOUR LIPS. 21. YOUR LIPSTICK MATCHES YOUR CLOTHES. 22. YOU HAVE ROLLS IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK. 23. YOU WEAR YOUR SHOWER CAP EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE SHOWER. 24. YOU DRY-CLEAN YOUR WASHABLE CLOTHING (E.G., JEANS, T-SHIRTS, BASEBALL JERSEY , ETC.). 25. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST. 26. YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH WITH A MATCHBOOK OR BUSINESS CARD. 27. YOU CLEAN YOUR EARS WITH A BOBBY PIN, KEY, OR INK PEN CAP. 28. YOU WEAR YOUR CLOTHES WITH A TAG ON THEM. 29. THE ONLY ART YOU OWN IS ON YOUR FINGERNAILS. 30. YOU GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR A PRESS AND CURL. 31. YOU'VE EVER WAITED SEVERAL HOURS IN A SALON TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND YOU HA D AN APPOINTMENT. 32. YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNDER SIXTEEN AND HAS EXTENSIONS. 33. YOU PERM YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD'S HAIR. 34. YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOWEL ON YOUR FURNITURE SO THAT YOUR CURL ACTIVATOR WON'T STAIN IT. 35. YOU REFER TO THE HAIR AT THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK AS YOUR "KITCHEN." 36. YOU STILL THINK THERE'S SUCH A THING AS "GOOD" OR "BAD" HAIR. (NOTE: IT'S NO T THE HAIR, IT'S THE BRAIN UNDER IT) 37. YOUR BABY HAS A BOW OR BARRETTE ON HER ONE STRAND OF HAIR. 38. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR HAIR WET. 39. YOUR CHILD THINKS HIS REAL NAME IS LITTLE MAN. 40. YOU CHANGED YOUR FIRST NAME 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE WHITE MAN'S, BUT KEPT YOUR LAST NAME YOUR REAL SLAVE NAME. 41. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES, AND YOU NAMED THEM. 42. YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED POUNDS, BUT YOU CLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T EAT E VERYBODY ELSE'S FOOD. 43. YOU'VE EVER DROPPED ANYTHING AND KISSED IT UP TO GOD BEFORE YOU ATE IT. 44. YOU PAGE YOURSELF. 45. YOU'RE LATE FOR EVERYTHING, AND YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE IT'S A CULTURAL EXPRESSI ON. 46. YOUR MOTHER CLEANED FLOORS TO EDUCATE YOU, AND NOW YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BET TER THAN HER.

47. YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. 48. YOU'RE KNOWN FOR ROLLING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: YOUR NECK, YOUR EYES, YOUR R' S, OR YOUR WRIST. 49. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO THE WIND AS THE HAWK. 50. YOU ADD "ED" OR "T" TO THE END OF A WORD THAT'S ALREADY IN THE PAST TENSE (E .G., TOOKED, LIGHT-SKINNEDED, KILT, RUINT). 51. THE PERSON YOU'RE SPEAKING TO DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AND YOU JUST TALK LO UDER.