My Racist Neighbors

Sometimes I find racism a little confusing. How does someone decide how racist to be, and how much to hate other races? I don't know. My neighbor Jim is the son of a racist father and a non-racist mother. He considers himself half racist. He'll say, "White power. For the most part. But, you know--you gotta have a few black people in Congress." His sister used to date a guy who's half black. And Jim thought, "He's half black, I'm half racist." Then he went up to the guy and said, "I hate you a quarter. Let me put it this way. If you marry my sister, I'll go to the wedding, put a burning cross on your cake, congratulate the two of you, wish you the best, and be the godfather to your kids--as long as they're not darker than Tiger Woods." Now his sister's dating a guy who's an eighth black, an eighth Native American, an eighth Jewish, an eighth Chinese, a quarter white, and a quarter Puerto Rican. Jim went up to him and said, "I'm pretty sure I want to kick your ass--but I'm too lazy to calculate how much I hate you. I'm good at racism--but I'm not that good at math." And then there's my neighbor Joe. He's one of those New Age positive racists-the ones who don't hate other races. "Whites are better than blacks and Jews. And blacks and Jews are freaking awesome! I like them! I'm a very positive guy! I even find Malcolm X and Barbra Streisand tolerable. But I prefer David Duke and Britney Spears." I also have a neighbor Tom, who's both a hipster and a racist. "Tokelauans are ruining our country." [Me:] "Uh... What the fuck is a Tokelauan?" [Tom:] "People from Tokelau." [Me:] "Toke-what??" [Tom:] "It's a country. And two people from there live in America. I found them on the internet. They run a pottery store in Idaho. And I hate those damn Islakelaugies. By the way--that's a racial epithet I came up with for Tokelauans." And then there's my neighbor Cal. He's black, and he's convinced that America exists just to be racist towards black people. He'll say, "Do you think white people have to pay income and sales tax? They say they pay taxes--but they don't. Instead of being charged taxes, white people get a bonus for being white. It's like a Christmas bonus--only white people get it every day.

December 25--bonus. January 8--bonus. August 15--bonus. America will go after a black man's money the way a stripper will go after any man's money. You think white people peel oranges? Oranges are peeled for them. If you're caught with crack cocaine, the government will put you in prison. If you're caught with cocaine, the government will give you a $23 ticket. And it just so happens that white people use cocaine, and black people use crack. Black people are in prison for crack, while white people are out free doing cocaine, playing golf, shopping at Bloomingdale's, and saying, 'It's a good thing we put those negroes in prison.' All white people consider black people to be a problem. And I mean 'problem' with a capital N--for the N-word. Now--I'm not saying I hate white people. I'm just saying that the government should give me a plantation, and 40 white slaves to work on it." And then there's my neighbor John. He'll tell you, "I'm not raist. Don't call me racist. I love black people. I just hate people who like collard greens. Race has nothing to do with it. It just so happens that if someone likes collard greens and he's not white, I hate him. Especially if he's black." There's also my neighbor Ashton. He's white, and he's on a mission to combat racism against black people. He'll tell you, "Whites makes up 15% of the world population, and 25% of the NBA. It's like NBA stands for No Blacks Allowed. There should only be one white guy in the league: Larry Bird. All other white basketball players should be sent to Africa as slaves." One time, he told me, "Computer keyboards are racist. There's a W in the first row, and a B in the third row--as if whites are first class citizens and blacks are third class citizens. And take a look at the letters: QWERTYUIOP ASDFGHJKL ZXCVBNM. Those letters can be used to type 'OBAMA IS A BLACK ASSHOLE.' I'm not making this up! All of the world's keyboards are calling Obama a black asshole!" Another time, he said, "I just saw that movie where Denzel Washington plays a drug dealer. Unbelievable! How racist is that? When I was in the theater, I honked my air horn until everyone was half deaf--and then when the security guard came in, I yelled 'Rosa Parks' at the top of my lungs and called the police and Al Sharpton. Villains should be played by white actors. We need to recast Al Pacino as Satan a few hundred times."

One time, he was talking to another neighbor of mine, and he said, "I saw three white people on BET in half an hour. They should change their name to JCN: The Jim Crow Network. If BET wants to call itself BET, they should show nothing but wall to wall black people, and keep their teeth hidden, so we won't have to see anything white. When I watch BET, there should be enough black people on screen to make me wonder whether the TV is actually on." Then my other neighbor told him, "If there were a White Entertainment Television, people would call that racist." And Ashton flipped out. He said, "There are a thousand channels. 993 of them are basically white entertainment. The entire world is basically an opportunity for white people to entertain themselves by taking advantage of others. We live on a White Entertainment Earth." And finally, there's my neighbor Tony. His parents hate blacks and Jews--but he's eager to show that he's not racist like them. That's why all of his friends are black Jews. Which is amazing, considering how we live in Utah. There are only eight black people in the entire state. Tony is friends with all of them, and he forced them to convert to Judaism. Those are the only forced conversions in Judaism's history.

That Black Guy

Every once in a while, a celebrity gets in trouble for saying things that are politically incorrect. That's why I just started a company that filters out those comments. We already have a client. We put a hidden microphone on him, and a taser that we control by remote. He was on a talk show last week--and at one point he said, "I think that affirmative action..." And then smoke started coming out of his head--courtesy of my celebrity tasing service. Being tased is better than being blacklisted. That's the name of my company. We also provide another service. Suppose a celebrity said something he shouldn't have said about black people. My company will produce a two hour infomercial hosted by him. He'll spend most of the time talking about great black scientists, inventors, leaders, etc. And he'll also let everyone know about his black friends. But he won't mention that anyone's black.

I'm trying to arrange meetings with a few celebrities, and pitch them the idea. I think it's only a matter of time before we sign one of them, and put out our first infomercial special. And then you'll turn on your TV and see, "Mel Gibson and Friends Present: Great People Throughout History." 95% of the friends and the people profiled will be black or Jewish--but throughout the program, Mel won't mention a single thing about that. And even though it's a paid program, there will be commercials for the NAACP, United Negro College Fund, Anti-Defamation League, and Chabad. And then at the end of the show, Mel will adopt a Jewish child. Or better yet, he'll give birth to a black child. And then he'll say, "I'm going to name him Mel, Jr. But not after me. After Mel Brooks." And then the following week, we'll put out another infomercial: "Mel Gibson and Friends Present: Mel, Jr.'s Circumcision." And of course, when the Holidays come around, we'll also put out "The Mel Gibson Chanukah and Kwanzaa Special," featuring guest appearances by Jimmy Kimmel and Ice Cube. So Mel Gibson, Kramer, Don Imus. I'll put together a PR campaign for $200,000 plus expenses. By the end of your infomercial, Al Sharpton will call and apologize to you. "Kramer. I'm sorry." Nowadays, so many things appear racist to so many people, that you have to be careful when you mention anyone's race. You shouldn't say things like, "Remember that black guy who used to live next door to us?" Because people will take that the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "Martin Luther King was a real troublemaker. I hate black guys like him, I hate black guys like the one who lived next door to us--and most importantly, I hate black guys who are black. I'm just glad that black guy used to live next door to us, and moved. I threw a parade the day he moved out--and everyone within a one mile radius joined me, and we said, 'Finally--there are no black guys in this neighborhood.'" Here's a related tip. If you mention a guy named Mike, and someone asks you, "Which Mike are you talking about?" don't say "the black Mike." Just change the subject, and start talking about how much you like Martin Luther King. "I can't wait till Martin Luther King Day. It's only ten months away. I'm gonna get an early start on it. Join me as I sing, 'We shall overcome.'" Or say, "I didn't notice which Mike it was. I don't even know which Mike's which. I'm not the type of person to put Mikes in racial groups. To me, a Mike is a Mike.

And you're racist for asking me to specify whether the Mike I'm talking about is the black Mike, or the Mexican Mike, or the Chinese Mike." You should also avoid referring to black people as "those people." Because people will take that the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "What the hell is wrong with those people? Those people are not our people. I hate those people. Especially Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks. They were real troublemakers. White power." Some other things you shouldn't say are "negro" and "colored." If you need me to tell you that, then maybe this course is a little too advanced for you. You might want to head down the hall to Political Correctness 101, where they'll teach you things like, "Don't burn an Obama effigy while holding a Confederate Flag," and "Don't discuss affirmative action on Martin Luther King Day." So to summarize what we've covered so far: don't say "colored," "negro," "those people," "the black Mike," "that black guy," or "Martin Luther King was a real troublemaker." And don't say "African-American." It'll make you sound like you're too into race. Plus, you might end up calling an African person an African-American-and then he'll say, "My name is Umbuta Maafala, and I am Nigerian. I am not African-American. Fuck America, and fuck you!" Here's another good tip. If you're white and there's a black person next to you at a supermarket checkout stand, don't use one of those divider thingies. Because he might take that the wrong way, and think you're saying, "See this divider? I'm separating our groceries on this conveyor belt--because unfortunately, we don't have separate checkout stands or separate supermarkets, the way I want, Tyrone. Is your name Tyrone? Yes. After all, you're a male negro. So your name's Tyrone. Or DeAndre. Now if you'll excuse me Tyrone or DeAndre, I have to pay for my groceries, pick up some sheets and scissors at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and then get on a horse and hang out with my buddies." One time, a black person used a divider to separate his items from mine. I just looked at him and said, "Shame on you. After everything Dr. King went through, you're going to pull a segregationist stunt like this?"

OK. Now let's move on to Indians. When someone mentions an "Indian," there's no appropriate way to ask him which type of Indian he's talking about. No matter what you say, you'll end up sounding like an asshole. "Is he an Indian Indian, or the other kind of Indian?" "Is he an Indian American, or an American Indian?" "Do you mean the Indians you learn yoga from, or the ones you play blackjack against?" "Is he the type of person who can show me how to make chicken curry, or how to roast a buffalo?" "Is he a brownish red Indian, or a reddish brown Indian?" If you say anything like that, people will take it the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "Gandhi, Geronimo, and Mother Teresa were real troublemakers--just like that black guy Martin Luther King." I have a friend who's a Cherokee Indian. Once I watched a football game with him. And any time the announcers mentioned the Redskins, I turned to my friend and said, "Sorry about that. And sorry the white man took your land and stuff. We should get a 10 yard penalty." One day, my friend's white girlfriend painted her nails red. That was the end of that that relationship. He picked up his tomahawk and said, "Get out. It's over between us." I also have a friend who's the other kind of Indian. His family is from India. I find him politically incorrect. He's way too much of an Indian stereotype. A lot of Indians are doctors or convenience store owners. My friend runs a convenience maternity ward. A woman walks in there while she's in labor, and walks out ten minutes later with a baby, a Slurpee, a pack of diapers, and a pack of cigarettes. One thing they don't sell there is birth control. In India, they really hate the Indian convenience store worker stereotype. They hate it so much, that in their country, 97% of convenience stores are run by Koreans--and any time they show The Simpsons in India, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is replaced with Achu Joong-Ki Soo-Hyun. I'm so politically correct, that when I come across to many people fitting a racial stereotype, I make them act less stereotypical. One time, I was watching a comedy show in Koreatown--and any time a Korean girl laughed, she covered her mouth with her hand, the way Korean girls are known to do. So when I noticed the girl next to me about to let out another mouth-covered laugh, I grabbed her wrists down and said, "Just laugh. Don't cover your

mouth. Don't be a Korean female stereotype." Her boyfriend wasn't too happy with me. He challenged me to a Taekwondo fight--as Korean males are known to do. Speaking of Koreans, don't associate them with Chinese people or Chinese culture. Because if you do, people will take that the wrong way, and they'll think you're saying, "There are eight races in the world: white, black, Mexican, Muslim, Eskimo, Indian, Indian, and Chinese." The other day, I met a Korean man and his Chinese girlfriend--and, being the politically correct person I am, I made it a point to constantly call them an "interracial couple," and compare them to Kendra Wilkinson and that black guy she's married to. So again, don't associate Koreans with Chinese people. Don't even associate Chinese people with other Chinese people. Each "Chinese person" is his own race. He's not a Chinese person. Jet Li is a Jet Li person, and Yao Ming is a Yao Ming person. If you make a connection between Jet Li and Yao Ming, a lot of people will take that the wrong way--and they'll think you're saying, "All Chinese people look alike, and all black people smoke crack. Except for rich black people. They can afford to snort cocaine." Even though you can't associate Koreans with Chinese people, you can refer to both groups as being Asian. You can't, however, call them Oriental. Don't say something like "Oriental people look alike, and are good at math." Instead, say, "Asian people look alike, and are good at math." But don't say they look alike or are good at math. Any time I see two Asian guys I know, I tell them, "You guys look completely different. I've never mistaken one of you for the other, or thought that the two of you were the same person. In fact, you two look so unalike, that I think you're three different people. Also, I'm willing to consider the possibility that you're bad at math. In my eyes, the two of you are three Asian guys who need help calculating a restaurant tip." So that does it for Asians. Let's move on to Hispanic people. Here's the main rule: You can assume that a Hispanic person is Chilean, but you can't assume he's Mexican. If you ask someone, "Are you Mexican?", only to have him reply, "No--I'm Guatemalan," that's a major violation. But if you say to someone, "Are you Chilean?" and he replies, "No--I'm Mexican," that's actually good-because only a PC, educated person would consider how someone might be

Chilean. Most people have never even mentioned Chile or Chileans once in their entire life. So just call everyone Chilean. And if someone asks you which Mike you're talking about, just say "the Chilean Mike."

Everybody Loves Karaoke

I'm trying to put together a hidden camera prank show. "Daddy. This is my boyfriend, Shabazz Crackerkiller III." And then Shabazz will say, "Pleased to meet you, White Devil, White Devil." And after the father says he's against the relationship, Al Sharpton will come in and tell him, "We just caught you on tape rejecting your daughter's boyfriend just because he's black. Now it's time for you to apologize to me." The show will be called Al--I'm White, and I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry For the Being Racist, and I'm Sorry For the Whiteness of My Face, and the Whiteness of My Arms, and the Whiteness of My Legs. I also have another idea for an anti-racism hidden camera show. I already filmed the first episode. I start it off by talking about how Jackie Robinson was the only black player in Major League Baseball for a few months in the 1940s. "Now batting... Warren Spahn. Also, 15 people want me to deliver the following message. 'Jackie Robinson--we're going to kick your black ass after the game.'" Jackie Robinson integrated Major League Baseball. As for Rosa Parks, she sat on a bus one day, and someone said, 'Miss--would you please go to the back?' No one told Jackie Robinson, 'Sir--will you please stand there while we throw a baseball at your head?' And then in 1963, the NAACP gave Jackie Robinson the Rosa Parks award for promoting racial equality. So after giving my viewers that introduction about Jackie, I tell them, "On Jackie Robinson Day, I'm going to make it so that I'm the only person of my kind somewhere." And then I put on an Everybody Loves Raymondsweatshirt, drive to Harlem, and go to a Tyler Perry movie. And while the movie's playing, I get on my cell phone and say, "I think Affirmative Action is ridiculous." Then the guy in front of me gets up, turns around, looks

at me, and says, "White Devil, White Devil." And that's when I take off my sweatshirt, reveal a Jackie Robinson jersey underneath, and sing, "We shall overcome..." So that's episode one of the show. I also filmed episode two. It's about the nword. The one that ends in an a. I'm not saying it, though. But just to make sure you know which word I mean, I'll also mention how aside from the n and the a, it has an i-g-g in the middle. And the word isn't a-i-g-g-n. So hopefully we're all clear on what the word is, even though at no point have I actually used it or spelled it out. Anyways, I start off the episode by putting on my hidden camera, and heading on down to a karaoke club. Then I have a white friend of mine go up on stage, perform a rap song, and filter out the 43 n-words in it. After his performance ends, I interview a black person in the audience, and he admits, "We love watching white people censor themselves. It's like we're making them move to the middle of the bus." And minutes later, I go up on stage and do a rap song. I include the n-words. And I ignore the rest of the lyrics. One stage, one mic, one white man, 47 nwords. And then when the song ends, and they think I can't possibly say the nword any more than I already have, I just say it 100 more times, one after another, machine gun style. And then I look at the audience. Most of the white people have already left. The black people have stuck around, wondering how the whole thing's going to end. One of them is crying. And another one has gone insane. And that's when I take off my Everybody Loves Raymond sweatshirt, reveal a Jackie Robinson jersey underneath, and tell the audience, "I have a dream, that one day, white and black people will be able to include the n-words in karaoke rap songs. Today, I filled in the blanks for all of those cracka ass motherfuckers who've censored themselves. I'm the Rosa Parks of hip hop karaoke. But instead of just sitting in the front of the bus, I drove it right to the mountaintop."