Adam Sandlers Eight Crazy Nights Transcript

[Instrumental. A snowy sky. Night. The opening titles play shortly and the screen pans
down to the town of Dukesberry, where a factory and a bridge are seen. Shots of the town
are shown as the narrator speaks !oiced by "ob Schnieder#$
Narrator: %Shot of a neighborhood& Well, all right. Look at all that beautiful, white stuff
come down. %Shot of giant ice menorah and Santa sculptures being worked on behind the
ban'uet hall& Christmas is right around the corner and Chanukah starts tonight. %Shot of
someone lighting a menorah on the first candle& Aint a better time of year. You got no
school, you can eat like a ig, %shot of two people dri!ing happily in a car, up to the
necks in presents& and eole gi!e you stuff. "ust makes you feel tingly all o!er. laughs#
%Shot of the town church& #ut you know what$ %here are some buffoons out there who
actually cant stand the holiday season. %Shots of a fire station and a nati!ity scene& And
seeing other eole en&oy the festi!ities gets them e!en more disgusted. %Shot of
Dukesberry(s entrance& As a matter of fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug li!es
right here in little old 'ukesberry. %Shot of the )hina Dragon& li!es right here in little old
'ukesberry. (is names 'a!ey )tone. And that fool is sittin in the China 'ragon coming
u with his own way of feeling tingly all o!er.
[Inside the )hina Dragon. Da!ey Stone is sitting in a booth, slurping up another
Scorpion bowl. The )hina Dragon *aiter comes o!er to hand Da!ey the bill$
'a!ey: (mm$
China 'ragon Waiter: *our scorion bowl in fi!e minute$ %hats got to be a restaurant
record.
'a!ey: drunk# Well, right now +m going to go for another restaurant record: longest
bur.
[Da!ey burps a huge burp, breaking the glasses on a group across the restaurant, e!en
disgusting a homeless man outside$
China 'ragon Waiter: Congratulations. Now, lease e,cuse me while + go take shower.
[Da!ey looks at the bill as a kid from the booth ne+t to his peers$
Narrator: At one time, 'a!ey was a suer student, suer athlete %Da!ey rips the bill up
and heads out& suer sweet, suer kid and the ale of his arents eye.
[,utside. Night. Da!ey bumps into a woman$
Narrator: Now, hes &ust a --.year.old cra/y "ewish guy %Da!ey heads drunkenly towards
his car, making another car almost swer!e& who li!es for making this town as miserable
as he is %Two policemen look at Da!ey, and then look at each other& esecially on the
first night of Chanukah. %The policemen dri!e off& (owd he end u this way$ Lets sa!e
that for later %Da!ey grabs his keys and tries to insert them into his car& because right
now, 'a!eys about to get himself into some serious trouble.
[Da!ey(s car door lock is seen, with key marks all around it, signifying that he(s done this
thing before. -e tries to put the key in, but he(s too drunk to balance himself right to do
it. The two policemen dri!e up behind Da!ey$
0oliceman 12: (oe youre not lanning on dri!ing tonight, )tone.
'a!ey: 3h, no officer. +m &ust going to say good night to my car then walk home and
en&oy the holiday decorations. to his car# Listen, sweetheart. pats the car# + ha!e to
lea!e you here alone tonight, but dont you worry, +ll be back first thing in the morning.
Now beha!e yourself, and dont stay u too late. (eh. Nighty.night. he walks off, and
turns off the car, which beeps, in which makes him look back at the car# All right, baby,
but lets make this 4uick. %The policemen look at Da!ey strangely& 3h, mama5 lies face
down on the back of the car# You like it when + hold you like this$ rubs against the car#
#ecause +ll do it all night long. licks the car# )oooo sweet. licks the car again# Yes, so
recious. slaps and bangs on the car(s rear# 3oh.hoo.hoo.hoo5 + lo!e you car5
[.oliceman /0 is disgusted by this, while .oliceman /1 has tears in his eyes. Suddenly,
)D* )hina Dragon *aiter# is yelling and standing in front the )hina Dragon, catching
the police(s attention$
C'W: (e dine and dash me5 (e chew and screw me5 (e si and ski me5
0oliceman 12: What$
C'W: (e no ay for his four scorion bowl5
'a!ey: 3h, boy.
[Tecnho rock music begins as the police start to chase Da!ey, who runs off$
0oliceman 16: 7et him5
[Da!ey runs off to an alley, where a man is putting away his trash. Da!ey steals the lid
and begins to ride it$
'a!ey: Whee.hee.hee.hee5
8an 12: Come back here, you &erk5
[The music changes into that of 2Da!ey(s Song3, the first musical number. Da!ey whisks
across a street, and two police cars slide ne+t to each other trying to capture him$
0oliceman 16: )omebody sto that guy5
'a!ey:
Im a kinda guy who cant stand a holiday grabs a light strand and swings from it#
So I drink em all away, thats me ties the strand around people carrying a tree#
I dont decorate no trees
And I wont eat no potato latkes knocks a bowl of latkes out of a man(s hands#
But Ill give this old ladys melons a squeeze s'uee4es a lady(s melons she(s carrying#
3ld Lady: (ey5
'a!ey:
Thats ust who I am
!ell, Ill never spin a dreidel, "ut Ill always throw an egg ruins a dreidel game#
And Ill charley horse your leg #or laughs hits a guy with an egg and hits the man(s leg#
!hile youre singing your holiday tunes approaches some carolers#
Im acting like the town "u##oon
!hippin out my "ig, white, scary moon moons the carolers#
Carolers: Aaah5
'a!ey: And "lowin a "ee# your way lets out a huge fart on the carolers#
I hate #olks who think reindeer are cute
To me theyre ust something to shoot shoots some deer with snowballs#
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
!ell, Im a snowmo"ile stealing slides into a garage and steals a snowmobile#
$o %tis&the&season&#eelin' kind o# guy (kind o# guy) speeds from the police#
This time o# year sucks
So I take my numchucks
And make sure every snowman di&i&ies* knocks down all the snowmen#
Believin in Santas all wrong rips off the beard off a Santa#
)anta +mersonator: (o5
'a!ey:
And +hanukahs eight nights too long rams into the giant ice Santa, crushing into the
menorah, ruining both statues#
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
0oliceman 12: Coming through.
'a!ey: I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
[The police arri!e and arrest Da!ey. ,ut of the crowd mad at Da!ey, 5ennifer and
6en7amin scowl at him, two characters who are introduced later on$
0oliceman 16: 'a!ey )tone, youre nothing but a delin4uent5
[,utside the courthouse. Day. The 7udge pounds his ga!el$
"udge: )tone, what the heck are we going to do with you$
[Inside the courthouse. Da!ey(s trial is going on$
"udge: +n the ast twenty years, +!e sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local
sychiatric ward. Not one of those laces has made you change an ounce for the better.
9Cause you used to be a good kid, laying ball for the "ewish Community Center, with
the best &um shot this towns e!er seen.
'a!ey: opening a flask# Your honor, + still got a retty good &um shot. Let me show
you. he takes a drink of whiskey, and then 7umps !ery 'uickly, and not !ery far# %the
people !iewing 7ust shake their heads& +d hit a three.ointer, e,cet +d ha!e to dro my
ants and o a thumb u my boo.boo.
[The people !iewing show their disgust$
"udge: )tone, you lea!e me no choice. +m gonna really ha!e to crack down hard this
time.
Whitey: chiming in, with his forehead seen a little in the seating area# Your honor, if it
leases the court, +d like to inter&ect for a moment.
C'W: What the hell was that$ 'id anybody else hear a arakeet, or am + going cra/y$
[The people all laugh while *hitey shows himself by stepping out into the aisle$
Whitey: No, 8r. Chang. %N,T89 I(ll still refer him as the )hina Dragon *aiter since
that(s what the credits say& +ts me, Whitey 'u!all. And a hay first night of Chanukah
to you.
C'W: +m not "ewish.
Whitey: Neither am +, but that dont sto me from en&oying a holiday. giggles#
"udge: e+asperated# Whitey, we went o!er this two months ago. +ts your last year of
reffing the youth league basketball. Youre turning :; years old and our insurance
comany says they wont co!er you anymore.
Whitey: (a, ha. No, no, no. 8y inter&ection ertains to the case currently under
ad&udication. You see, + knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still
intact.
"udge: Whitey, what are you getting at$
Whitey: Why not sentence him to be a referee.in.training for the youth league basketball$
+!e seen some retty rowdy kids turn into erfect gentlemen after sending time on my
court.
"udge: +f that haened with )tone, it would be a miracle.
Whitey: Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things ha!e been known to haen this
time of year.
[The crowd whispers$
"udge: Whitey, if you want to work with this unk, then 7od bless you. #ut 8r. )tone,
what Whitey says goes. And if + hear that you break one law, + will send you to the state
enitentiary for no less than 2; years.
'a!ey: (uh$
"udge: (ay holidays.
[The 7udge pounds his ga!el, ad7ourning the trial. *hitey looks promising at Da!ey$
'a!ey: 3h, 7od.
[,utside the 5ewish )ommunity )enter. Night. )ars arri!e to watch the youth league
basketball game$
Narrator: %he short man whos kind and the donkeys behind. What a bi/arre matchu.
7ood luck, Whitey. Youre gonna need it.
[The locker room. *hitey puts on his referee uniform$
Whitey: 3oh.hoo.hoo.hoo. 3kay, lets gi!e the little guy some suort.
[Da!ey comes o!er to see a disgusting sight9 *hitey(s butt cheeks are co!ered with white,
furry hair as *hitey puts a 7ock strap on$
'a!ey: <gh5 "ee/um crow5 'id + &ust see two 0ersian cats on your ass$ + think +m gonna
burping# barf.
Whitey: Your horn works, try the lights. giggles#
'a!ey: 3kay.
Whitey: stretching# 3ne. %wo.
'a!ey: 7ood to see you still got those circus feet.
Whitey: 8ens 22 right foot, childrens = left foot. does a 7ig# At your ser!ice.
'a!ey: slurring# Yuck.
Whitey: Now, + assume you!e done your re.game stretching.
'a!ey: No, let me do it right now. puts both hands up to *hitey in a fist, and flips his
middle finger on both# 3ne. %wo. %hree. %Shot of *hitey, nodding& *our. *i!e. )i,.
Whitey: 3kay. %hats good, but dont forget your hammies.
[The basketball court. The game is 7ust about to begin$
Narrator: 3f course Whitey wouldnt understand what getting flied off means. %*hitey
walks out onto the floor& (es so behind the times, he thinks >iagras a big waterfall.
laughs# %A basketball goes under the :;
th
Annual All<Star .atch !oting bo+. *hitey picks
it up and sees his reflection through the sign& #ut there is one thing he knows. %he !oting
has begun for the highest honor anyone in town could recei!e.
Whitey: + think its gonna be your year, Whitey, + really do. sees Da!ey walking out#
Whoa, whoa, whoa. 'ont e!en think of coming on this floor with those hard soles, ally.
'a!ey: *ine, +ll &ust ref in my socks. knocks his shoes into the air, the first one knocking
a hanging light out, the second one knocking one of the 7udge(s head into the bu44er
button, sounding the bu44er# 8ust be game time.
Whitey: 'ont let him ush your buttons, Whitey.
[*hitey blows his whistle, starting the game$
[A little later. The basketball game is well into. Da!ey watches as the team runs to one
side of the court, *hitey panting and trying to catch up. A shot is missed. The team runs
to the other side, *hitey panting and trying to catch up again. Another shot is missed.
Same thing happens yet again. Another shot missed, as one kid passes it to a fat kid$
?id 12: What are you waiting for$
?id 16: Come on. 'ribble5 (urry u5
[The fat kid tries to run and dribble, but trips o!er. *hitey rushes to Da!ey$
Whitey: What, no whistle on that one, ref$
'a!ey: 3kay. he blows the whistle and goes o!er to the fat kid# *oul on this kid for
eating e!erything in sight.
*at ?id: (uh$
'a!ey: "elly &ugs, ne,t time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. 3kay$
[The fat kid cries while *hitey tries to comfort him$
Whitey: (e was &ust kidding, son. You!e got !ery nice boobs.
[The fat kid 7ust runs off crying more$
0erson 12: "erk5
0erson 16: +diot5
Audience: #oo5
'a!ey: to basketball audience# 3h, you dont like that$ (ow about you throw something
at me. + dare you.
0erson 1-: With leasure5
[The crowd throws items on the court, making the floor dirty$
Whitey: %heyre scratching u my floor. (ere comes a sei/ure. @falls on the floor and
begins ha!ing a sei4ure# %his will ass in a second, kids. 'ont be scared.
?id 1-: +s he break dancing$
'a!ey: blows his whistle# 3kay, thats it. 7ame o!er. Nobody wants to see an old man
die. *attys team loses because + want to see him cry again.
[The fat kid, now in his parents( arms, continues to bawl$
Whitey: + want to talk to you in my office.
[6y office, *hitey means the Dukesberry =all. Night. *hitey and Da!ey enter the mall,
filled with )hristmas decorations$
'a!ey: Why the hell are we at the mall$
Whitey: 9Cause you need to clean your brain out, al. And to me, the mall is the best
lace to do that.
'a!ey: )o, whats good about this lace$
Whitey: Whats good about it$ A!erything. You want a air of socks$ pointing# 8y
buddy, 8r. *oot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad$ (ello, )harer
+mage. %hanks for the combination ogo stickBclock radio. + mean, %he #ody )ho, the
%ie Cack, 7NC, Cadio )hack, 0etland for a cat or two, )encers 7ifts for some fake dog
doo, )barros, 'unkin 'onuts, theyre simly the best. And dont forget the orange
chicken at 0anda A,ress. at See(s )andies# #ut if youre short of cash like little old me,
the window shoings always free.
'a!ey: +s that something you reared or did you rhyme that many times in a row by
accident$
Whitey: Yeah, that was weird, wasnt it$
'a!ey: 8aybe you are a lerechaun.
[>ictoria(s Secret. Da!ey and *hitey are seen walking to the food court from the
entrance$
Whitey: Lets &ust get some snacks and chat. 3kay$
[The dressing rooms. A woman opens the door to see, who else, but the fat kid trying on
bras$
*at ?id: (uh$
Woman: Arent you a boy$
[-e runs off crying$
[The food court, *hitey picks up some food$
Whitey: Now +d like to make this work out. #ut in order to do so, youre going to ha!e
to learn shot of 5ennifer and 6en7amin from outside the ban'uet hall are seen working at
Dunkin( Donuts. 6en7amin points to *hitey# that youth league basketball aint about you
and your lack of resect for others. %They sit down at a table o!erlooking the entire mall&
+ts about the kids and teaching them resonsibility and teamwork. +!e been doing my
art for -D years. Are you ready to &oin me, big guy$ %Da!ey grabs the bo+ of fries and
dumps it on the table, spelling out 26IT8 =83& smug# "okes one you, tough guy. + cant
read.
[5ennifer and 6en7amin with a ?ame 6oy Ad!ance in his hands# walk o!er to *hitey
with a bag$
"ennifer: )ecial deli!ery for Whitey 'u!all, sugar.free donuts.
Whitey: grabbing the bag# A!ery day she does this for me5 "ennifer, youre too much.
to Da!ey# 8y fraternal twin sisters a diabetic and out of resect for her and her disease,
+ dont eat sugar roducts.
"ennifer: %heres a surrise in there. + think youre gonna like it.
Whitey: opening the bag and feeling through# 'ont tell me its #a!arian cream.filled.
grabs a donut and eats it@ 7oyous# +t is #a!arian cream.filled5 standing on his chair and
dancing# (ubba.bubba5 %hese babies make my taste buds do double daffies, for gosh
sakes5 E5ennifer looks at Da!ey for second, who scowls at her& to 6en7amin# (ey, what
are you doing hiding o!er there$
"ennifer: pushing 6en7amin o!er to *hitey# +ts okay, sweetheart. Come talk to Whitey.
#en&amin: (i, Whitey. pointing out his ?ame 6oy# + got another Chanukah resent
tonight.
Whitey: Wow, #en&amin, an Atch.A.)ketch. Not too shabby.
'a!ey: %hats a 7ame #oy, you idiot.
Whitey: 3h, sorry, +m not u on modern technology. #ut + guess my friend 'a!ey is. to
6en7amin# Why dont you tell him what else you got.
#en&amin: *irst night, + got a basketball and some dreidels. %hen, night two + got a u
tent so + can cam in the backyard. And tonight, + got this.
'a!ey: Wow. 8aybe on night four the Chanukah monster will take a big cra on your
bed.
"ennifer: %hanks for sharing the holiday sirit, sycho. Come on #en&amin, hel me clean
the muffin trays. #ye, Whitey.
#en&amin: )ee you at the game tomorrow.
'a!ey: looking at 5ennifer(s behind# +ll tell ya, your girlfriends backyard isnt sugar.
free. %hat baby looks sweet.
Whitey: angry, inter7ecting Da!ey(s point<of<!iew# %echnical foul5 %echnical foul5 %hats
a lady, and you will not seak about her in that way5
'a!ey: easing *hitey# Aasy.
Whitey: )he haens to be going through a tough time now. Last sring, her husband of
thirteen years us and lea!es her for some woman he met on the comuter. )he had the
courage to mo!e back to town a month ago to try and raise her boy on her own.
'a!ey: )o shes a!ailable$
Whitey: 3h, you wish, mac. You blew your shot with her twenty years ago.
'a!ey: %wenty years$ in reali4ation# Was that "ennifer *riedman$
Whitey: +m surrised you ha!e enough brain cells left to remember.
[Alashback to 0BC0. The 5ewish )ommunity )enter basketball court. A twel!e year<old
5ennifer passes the ball to a twel!e year<old Da!ey$
'a!ey: (ey, "ennifer, you still coming o!er to watch F'ukes of (a//ardG after the game$
"ennifer: %hats a big 2;.H, 'a!ey.
8r. )tone: (ey, 'a!ey. %pan o!er to Da!ey(s parents, wanting to take a picture& )mile5
Your mom wants to take a icture.
[Da!ey smiles for the camera while 5ennifer smirks while gleaming at him, the picture is
taken$
8rs. )tone: %hanks, honey.
'a!ey: +f my arents fall aslee early, +ll show you my basement.
"ennifer: ?ee dreaming.
[)ut to a ;D year<old *hitey, combing hisEafroF$
Whitey: Ah, they make a nice coule boogie.oogie.oogies.
[6ack to present day. Da!ey and *hitey walk o!er to the mayor !oiced by Ge!in
Nealon# on the mall(s first floor$
'a!ey: to *hitey# + dont know when you were goofier, then or now.
Whitey: 7ood e!ening, 8ayor )tuey 'uhy. 3ut for some late.night shoing$
8ayor: Yeah. %hen + ha!e to figure out how to rebuild our giant menorah and )anta.
%hanks for ruining the ice ageant again, )tone.
'a!ey: + didnt do it for you, + did it for the ladies.
[=akes a mo!e towards some woman walking by$
Women: 3h, yeah right.
Whitey: <m, so has there been talk about who the luck atch reciient might be this year
orI$
8ayor: %hats u to who the town !otes for. Could be you or me or anybody. All right,
+m going to get going now.
Whitey: (eheheh, hay holidays, your e,cellence.
'a!ey: sarcastically# 7ood night, mayor5 And the answer to your 4uestion is )encers
7ifts. %hey definitely ha!e furry underwear.
[The mayor sulks in front of the old lady from 2Da!ey(s Song3. -e tries to e+plains, but
she interrupts$
3ld Lady: Youre gross.
8ayor: 3hhI
[They walk out of the mall, with following dialogue beginning the 2.atch Song3$
Whitey: dreamy# +s it &ust me or did you notice when he said it could be you, there was a
certain sincerity in his !oice, orJ
'a!ey: You actually gi!e a cra about winning a atch$
Whitey: +ts only the most restigious award gi!en out at the all.star ban4uet. Can you
imagineI
[=usic begins@ *hitey begins to dance$
,h&wont
,h&you
,h&dance with me
At the annual all&star uh&"anquet
,h&well suddenly has on a tu+edo#
,h&"e
So #ancy #ree
At the annual all&star uh&"anquet %all the cars in the parking lot turn there lights on&
-veryone in town will "e looking their "est starts to walk into a golden ban'uet hall#
-ven .rs/ Selman with the one e0tra "reast
Its the kind o# a night when your #eet match his feet are now both men(s si4e#
!hen you #eel nearly #ive #oot three*
Theyll laugh walks down a golden banister#
And theyll dance
And theyll pee in their pants
+ause theres a patch at the all&star "anquet
!aiting #or me*
[6ack to the parking lot. Da!ey waits by the car$
'a!ey: Can you take me home now$
Whitey: YeaaI
[Dukesberry bridge. Night. *hitey(s car crosses it$
Narrator: Well, that was nice of 'a!ey to sna Whitey out of his little dream.
[*hitey(s car. Da!ey watches *hitey dri!e$
Narrator: All that song was saying was the atch means the world to Whitey. + mean, hes
rather be remembered for his hard work, not for the fact that he had the hairiest buns in
the locker room. %Da!ey pulls out some peanut brittle and starts to eat it& Can you blame
him$
Whitey: (ows that eanut brittle$
'a!ey: Crunchy and delicious.
Whitey: *unny, + dont remember 'enise or "anice ringing u a urchase for you.
'a!ey: + guess that means + stole it, doesnt it$
Whitey: freaking out# 7.g.gInneeeeeeeeeeeee5
[*hitey slams on the brakes$
'a!ey: Aasy, sei/ure boy5
[*hitey(s head hits the steering wheel$
Whitey: 3oh5 %hats it. +m calling the &udge.
'a!ey: 7o ahead. +ll be on the first bus outta here. + aint sending ten years in rison.
Whitey: 8aybe +ll &ust take you in myself. 'ont think you can intimidate me &ust
because of my si/e.
'a!ey: Why$ Youre smaller than me$ bounces *hitey up and down# + didnt notice
that.
Whitey: 0ut me down5 0ut me down5 And get out of my car right now5
'a!ey: 3h, no. Youre going to make me walk ten feet$ opens door to re!eal his trailer#
9Cause thats where + li!e, idiot5
Whitey: 3h.
'a!ey: sarcastically# %hanks for the ride, atchy. +t was great atching with you. And +
guess +ll atch you later. slams car door#
Whitey: +m letting this one go, )tone. #ut ne,t screwu, its slammer time. (mm5 tries
to start the car, but it(s stuck. *inds down window to talk to Da!ey# 7ot any sand or rock
salt in there$ + need to get some traction.
'a!ey: at trailer door, imitating *hitey# 7ot any sand or rock salt in there$ 9Cause +
need to get someJregular !oice# 3( )(<% <05 slams door#
Whitey: winding up the window# (e could!e at least gi!en me a ush or something.
[Inside Da!ey(s trailer. Da!ey walks o!er to the fridge, as a card saying 2To ,ur Son
Da!ey3# falls down. -e looks at it, and puts it by the picture of him and his parents.
Da!ey walks o!er with a bottle of beer and turns on the T>$
%> Announcer: ..closing, channel -K would like to wish all of its "ewish !iewers the !ery
haiest of Chanukahs.
'a!ey: #oooo5
[-e unplugs the T>$
[,utside, *hitey has trouble starting his car late into the night$
[Inside the trailer, Da!ey laughs at *hitey$
[*hitey is trying not to fall asleep at the wheel$
[Da!ey laughs some more in his co4y trailer$
[*hitey sees some deer, as if they were a sign of hope. -e rolls down his window to talk
to them$
Whitey: (ey5 A little hel, fellas$
[The deer by the way, are also !oiced by Adam Sandler, an intresting note# chatter and
start to push *hitey(s car forward$
Whitey: A.one, a.two, a.threeeee5
[*hitey(s car dri!es off into the distance$
Whitey: (a!e a holly, &olly one, guys.
Narrator: 'oesnt it always make you feel good when you see a grou of deer heling a
motorist it need$
[,utside *hitey(s house. Night. It is filled with lights and cheap decorations on the front.
*hitey dri!es up$
Narrator: #ut + bet Whitey wishes they showed u earlier, because his sister Aleanore,
gets a little edgy when hes late.
Aleanore: off<screen# Whitey, where were you$
[Inside *hitey(s house. 8leanore holds a hand !acuum in her hand$
Aleanore: Youre an hour and D2 minutes late. + already called the morgue. %hey said you
werent there but to try back later.
Whitey: heading to the kitchen# + had an interesting talk with the mayor tonight.
Aleanore: %he mayor$ !acuums off *hitey(s dirty shoe footprints in the carpet# Was it
about the ruffians who stole my Li/ %aylor wig$
Whitey: handling a kettle of hot water# Aleanore, that was HD years ago.
Aleanore: +m still shaking from it.
Whitey: Anyways, the mayor seems to think theres a chance + might recei!e the atch
this year.
Aleanore: 3h, boy. Lets &ust soak our feet, brother.
[The li!ing room. *hitey and 8leanore are about to soak their feet into buckets of hot
water$
Whitey: *irst osition, lifting the feet up# second osition. soaking the feet in the water#
#oth: AhhhhhhhhhhI
Whitey: picking up a maga4ine# )ee you later, smell.
Aleanore: "ust dont get your hoes u too high about the atch.
Whitey: + can handle myself, Aleanore. %rust me.
Aleanore: 3hh.
[8leanore picks up her trumpet and plays some music. .an from the li!ing room to
outside where the music changes into a bit of the mo!ie score$
Narrator: When you ha!e enough lights to make your house look like the >egas )tri,
%Transition from night to day& youre gonna ha!e a retty big electric bill. And being a
!olunteer referee for the youth basketball doesnt %shot of an old bus stop& e,actly get
you in the *ortune D;;. %Shot of a diner& )o, old Whiteys u bright and early e!ery day,
searching the town for odd &obs. %Shot of a H<00 trucking unloading& to hel make ends
meet for him and Aleanore.
[,utside the mall, a huge )hristmas tree. *hitey stands on top trying set the star straight
while some men look from below$
Whitey: (ows that, fellas$
8an 12: +ts crooked, shorty. 8o!e it to the right.
Whitey: You got it.
[Trying to fi+ the star, *hitey(s show cracks the branch, causing him to fall all the way
down right into a bo+ at the base of the tree$
Whitey: Whoos5 falling# 3w, oh, ooh, ahh, ooh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh,
agghhh5
8an 16: Well, will you look at that. +ts a &ackass.in.the.bo,.
[The other men and one woman# laugh with him$
8an 12: Lets go get some coffee.
Whitey: Anything else + can do for you guys$
8an 16: +f you clean out the craers, +ll gi!e you a buck.
[.an to some dirty, stinky porta potties$
Whitey: Consider it done. Nice doing business with you.
[The men laugh$
[Iater, *hitey grabs a hose and walks to the porta potties and starts hosing them down
while singing to the music 8leanore played the night before. The sudden sound of puking
is heard, as Da!ey steps out of the third porta potty, with a hango!er$
Whitey: %hats what haens when you hit the bottle, al. You go to slee in 'ukesberry,
you wake u in 0ukesberry. starts to hose down the last porta potty, and laughs at his
7oke# 0ukesberry.
[Da!ey, pissed off, shuts the door on *hitey, locking him shut$
Whitey: (ey. What are you do..$ No5 %Da!ey pushes the porta potty down, sending
*hitey down the hill in a room full ofEe+crement& Aggggghhhh5 Aeeeee5 <ghIclimbs
out, co!ered in human feces# %he worst has haened. +m co!ered in human feces.
[Da!ey rushes down the hill with a hose$
'a!ey: %hats a good look for you. #ut for health reasons, + should robably sray you
off.
[Da!ey sprays *hitey with water, free4ing him in ice$
Whitey: Aeeeeeeeeeeeee5
'a!ey: )mell you later, oosicle. laughs#
Whitey: fro4en# Youre a fricking degenerate.
'a!ey: walking up the hill# + know + am.
[Transition to early nighttime. *hitey notices the deer walking o!er, still fro4en$
Whitey: A little hel, lease. %The deer chatter and walk o!er and start licking *hitey to
get him unfro4en& (ee.hee.hee, your tongues tickle. %hey tickle.
[,ne deer stops licking and shows his teeth, all full with feces$
[,utside the 5ewish )ommunity )enter$
Narrator: Aww5 You are right. %hat was gross.
[Inside, men are playing basketball. Da!ey walks o!er to see *hitey in the stands$
'a!ey: (ey, %humbelina, theres no kids laying today. Whyd you tell me to come here$
Whitey: + thought you could use a refresher course on b.ball rules and regulations.
'a!ey: Youre nuts. +m going to ound a few.
Whitey: *irst of all, you boo/e, you lose. And secondly, if you dont turn around, 3fficer
)herman o!er therell know of the infamous eanut brittle incident.
[.an to 6en7amin, ha!ing trouble dribbling a ball$
'a!ey: Whats with the dunkin munchkin$
Whitey: (is mom had to do a double shift so +9m watching him 9til she can get here. to
6en7amin and Da!ey# Now, both of you co a s4uat ne,t to me and lets obser!e.
[Iater on. *hitey, Da!ey and 6en7amin are seated in the stands. They watch as some
men play. ,ne guy throws a shot while pushing another who(s in his way$
#asketball 7uy 12: Charging5 3ur ball.
Whitey: )ee, that wasnt a charge. +t was actually blocking. %he defender didnt ha!e
both feet lanted in time.
'a!ey: 3h, really$ #ecause + thought that was high.sticking.
[6en7amin laughs at Da!ey(s 7oke$
Whitey: 'ont encourage him, #en&amin. (es &ust uset because he cant lay no more.
%wenty years of drinking destroyed the basketball lobe of his brain.
'a!ey: inter7ecting# + could whu any of those clowns out there e!en with you as my
artner.
#asketball 7uy 12: +d like to see that. +d like to see that right now.
[6asketball ?uy /0 throws a basketball to Da!ey$
Whitey: (e was &ust kidding, fellas. Whole lot of &ibber &abber. We got no beef with you
guys. (eeheehee.
#asketball 7uy 12: #ecause if a midget and a drunk can beat us, +d eat my own
&ockstra.
Whitey: Nah, he dont lay ball anymore.
'a!ey: +ll lay. #ut if we win, you got to eat that guys &ockstra.
[.an o!er to a sweaty, fat man trying to play basketball$
#asketball 7uy 12: *irst to fi!e wins. Were shirts.
Whitey: 3h, boy. 'oes that mean were skins$
[The start of the game. Da!ey has his shirt off, and is dribbling the ball$
'a!ey: + dont see any skin, monkey.man.
[*hitey barely has any skin on his body, e+cept around his gut, with mostly 7ust furry,
white hair$
Whitey: "ust ass me the ball.
'a!ey: All right, *u//y Wu//y.
[*hitey grabs the ball$
Whitey: All right, simmer down, Whitey. 'ont tra!el. 'ont double dribble. + want a
good, clean game and no back talk.
'a!ey: trying to block 6asketball ?uy /0# (ey, orangutan, youre laying, not reffing.
Whitey: (es right. Look for your oening and take it. he looks between 6asketball ?uy
/1(s legs# %here it is5
[*hitey dribbles the ball in between the legs of 6asketball ?uy /1 and heads towards the
basket. -e stops$
Whitey: Now set yourself and shoot.
[*hitey(s about to shoot through, when 6asketball ?uy /0 comes in and knocks the ball
right down onto *hitey(s head and into his mouth, knocking him out$
'a!ey: 3h, no.
[6en7amin gasps$
'a!ey: Are you finally dead, old man$
[Da!ey turns *hitey o!er to see he(s been knocked out and looking cra4y, but still ali!e.
-e spits out the basketball$
Whitey: delirious# +ll be o!er to feed the cats in the morning 8rs. Addison.
'a!ey: 3kay, hes useless. @drags *hitey o!er into the stands# 3ne more thing. sticks
*hitey(s hand into his own pants, making *hitey feel his furry rear end#
Whitey: 7ood kitty. Nice kitty.
'a!ey: to 6en7amin# 8uffin boy, whats your real name$
#en&amin: #en&amin.
'a!ey: Youre in. Lets go.
[6en7amin takes his shirt off, ready to go in the game$
#asketball 7uy 12: to Da!ey# Youre trading in the midget for a sa/$ %his is going to
be e!en sadder.
[6en7amin begins to walk o!er$
'a!ey: Well see. Your ball. about to pass the ball, Da!ey throws it behind his back#
3os.
#en&amin: to Da!ey# +m not !ery good.
'a!ey: %hats all right. "ust try to stay confident, and if + say shoot it, shoot it.
#asketball 7uy 12: passing Da!ey the ball# 7ame on.
'a!ey: who(s blocking 6asketball ?uy /1, to 6en7amin# (e may be big, but hes ugly,
#enny. passing the ball back to 6asketball ?uy /0# 7ood luck, chum. steals the ball
from 6asketball ?uy /0# +ll take that.
#asketball 7uy 12: (ey5 %Da!ey teases him with the ball, then passes it to 6en7amin&
(uh$
[6en7amin, now holding the ball, tries to get away from 6asketball ?uy /1$
'a!ey: to 6en7amin# 0ut it u5 %6en7amin shoots at the basket, with Da!ey intercepting,
blocking 6asketball ?uy /0(s chance of recei!ing the ball& Coming through5 %6en7amin
sighs sadly& to 6en7amin# %hats all right, &ust kee your elbow in. passes the ball to
6en7amin# Now stick it, kid5
[6en7amin shoots at the basket, and scores$
#en&amin: messing up his hair# Yeah5
'a!ey: to 6asketball ?uy /0# <h oh, looks like you better start showing the sa/ some
resect.
#asketball 7uy 12: "ust kee laying.
[6asketball ?uy /0 passes the ball to Da!ey, who twirls it with his finger for a second,
then begins dribbling, taunting 6asketball ?uy /0 as 6en7amin and 6asketball ?uy /1
look at each other, wondering what Da!ey is getting at$
'a!ey: Where am + going, baby$ Where am + going$ 3h, sna. 3h, sna. 3h.ho.ho.ho5
#asketball 7uy 12: to 6asketball ?uy /1# %ra him5
#asketball 7uy 16: on his way to Da!ey# +m on it5
[Da!ey 'uickly passes the ball to 6en7amin$
'a!ey: to 6en7amin# +ts all you, buddy. %6en7amin shoots at the basket and scores&
pointing to the sweaty, fat man, doing aerobics in the corner# + hoe you all like your
&ockstras e,tra sweaty.
)weaty, *at 8an: A.one. A.two. A.three.
#asketball 7uy 12: pulling 6asketball ?uy /1 by the collar# You wanna win this or not$
#asketball 7uy 16: Yeah.
#asketball 7uy 12: pointing to 6en7amin# Well, then co!er the nerd.
'a!ey: holding the ball, to 6asketball ?uy /0# %he saga continues. once again taunts
6asketball ?uy /0, and pretends to pass to 6en7amin#
#asketball 7uy 12: running o!er to 6en7amin# Not this time, little man. reali4ing
6en7amin doesn(t ha!e the ball@ turning to Da!ey# (uh$
'a!ey: showing off the ball# (ey, look what + still got.
[Da!ey shoots the ball at the basket and scores$
#asketball 7uy 16: to 6asketball ?uy /0# Yeah, good co!erage.
[6asketball ?uy /0 pouts and screams at the fact that Da!ey and 6en7amin are winning$
#en&amin: wowed, to Da!ey# What a shot5
'a!ey: to 6asketball ?uy /0, who walks o!er# + call that the to.of.the.key.eat.the.
&ockstra shot, you see. the ball is passed to him, and continues to taunt 6asketball ?uy
/0, e!en throwing it in his face, and recei!ing it back# (old it now. (old it now.
%6asketball ?uy /1 and 6en7amin are still floored at Da!ey(s ability to tease 6asketball
?uy /0 for so long& Wheres it going now$
#asketball 7uy 16: (ows he doing that$
'a!ey: still taunting 6asketball ?uy /0# 3h, boy. passes it to 6en7amin# 0ut it u, #en.
[6en7amin shoots to the basketball, with 6asketball ?uy /1 missing a chance to recei!e
it$
'a!ey: 7ot a iece5 7umps up and slam dunks the ball into the basket# #am5 7ot a iece
of my ass5
#asketball 7uy 16: furrowing his brow at 6asketball ?uy /0# (mm.
#asketball 7uy 12: )hut u5
'a!ey: high<fi!ing 6en7amin# 3ne more basket and its chow time, boys.
[5ennifer walks into the hallway, looking through the glass double doors to see Da!ey
and 6en7amin con!ersing their ne+t mo!es$
'a!ey: high<fi!ing 6en7amin# Lets bring it home. Youre my boy, #enny. %5ennifer
smiles at the fact that Da!ey is letting 6en7amin play basketball with him& passes the
ball to 6en7amin, who passes it back. Da!ey recie!es the ball, passes it to 6en7amin
again, who passes it back, but not before rounding the basketball around his body# Whoa,
little +!erson.
[Da!ey recie!es the ball from 6en7amin, and starts heading for the basket$
#asketball 7uy 12: 'ouble u on )tone5
#asketball 7uy 16: You got it5
'a!ey: 0ut it u, #enny. throws the ball into the air, and 6en7amin rides on his back,
and slam dunks the ball into the basket#
#asketball 7uy 12: Whats haening$ reali4ing# No5
'a!ey: 3h, #enny5
#asketball 7uy 12: furious# You gotta be kidding me5
[5ennifer is smiling wide this time$
#en&amin: Yeah5
[Da!ey pulls 6en7amin down$
'a!ey: whispering, to 6en7amin# Now say what + told you to say.
#en&amin: yelling# Aat that nut.stra, be.yatch5
"ennifer: walking in, mad, yelling# #en&amin5 %6en7amin nudges Da!ey, and smiles
cautiously to his mother& 'ont e!er use that kind of language again. 'o you hear me$
#en&amin: +m sorry.
'a!ey: to 5ennifer# Aww, hes &ust ha!ing some fun.
"ennifer: to Da!ey# Cursing and acting like a &erk may be your idea of fun, but its not
going to be his. 3ne 'a!ey )tone around here is enough.
[5ennifer walks away with 6en7amin. )ut to *hitey, still knocked out and feeling his ass$
Whitey: 8y fingers in your mouth, kitty, but + dont feel no teeth.
"ennifer: Lets go, #en&amin.
[6asketball ?uy /0 is facing the horror of eating the Sweaty, Aat =an(s 7ockstrap, who
o!erlooks$
)weaty, *at 8an: Why are you eating that$
#en&amin: with his shirt back on, to Da!ey# You know, my mother doesnt like you !ery
much.
'a!ey: You know, + dont like me !ery much either. %=usic begins& Nice laying with
you, mini.)ha4.
[5ennifer looks at Da!ey, who sighs at her$
[,utside, night. 5ennifer and Da!ey with *hitey knocked out ne+t to him# dri!e home.
This begins the spoken prelude of the song 2Iong Ago3$
'a!ey: What the hell was she looking at me like that for$
"ennifer: (ow could they let that guy work with children$
'a!ey: 7i!ing me those nasty eyes. + was being nice to her kid.
"ennifer: %hey should!e locked him u for good.
'a!ey: At least she was looking at me. %hat felt all right.
"ennifer: Why cant he &ust be like he used to be$
'a!ey: It all seems so long ago
"ennifer: 1oung and happy dont you know
'a!ey:
2own "y the creek I would show
3ire#lies to that girl
"ennifer: But that was "ack when he was nice
'a!ey: Be#ore my warm heart turned to ice
Whitey: .y sisters wig once had lice
"ennifer: But that was long ago
'a!ey:
The schoolyards where we were
The #irst time I kissed her
"ennifer: chuckling# 4e thought he got some tongue
'a!ey: But it was only retainer
Whitey: -leanores "ra is a trainer
'a!ey: !ell, over theres my #amily home
"ennifer: And the woods we used to roam
Whitey: The only time I had se0 was on the phone
0hone )e, Lady: in a commercial with 20<;;;<6,,6I8S3 at the bottom of the screen#
But that was long ago
'a!ey: I carved our names upon that tree
"ennifer: I loved him and he loved me
8ayor: in his office# .y darling wi#e was once a he
8ayors Wife: a clear once<male# But that was long ago
"ennifer: 4ed always whisper in my ear
'a!ey: But then I started drinking "eer
Whitey: .y ewels got licked "y si0 #risky deer
'eer: giggle, still with feces on their teeth#
"ennifer: $ow hes ust a loner and a liar
'a!ey: And my trailers caught on #irefire$5 %Da!ey(s trailer is set on fire by no one
else but 6asketball ?uy /0, still the 7ockstrap in his mouth, who runs away& 3h my god5
Whitey: waking up, shouting# #e careful5
[Da!ey runs in and rescues only his card from his parents. -e runs back out to see
*hitey standing out of the car, looking on the disaster. Da!ey wipes the card of the ash
on it$
Whitey: 8aybe its some kind of sign. After all, Chanukah is the festi!al of lights.
'a!ey: angry# + should stick you on a twig and roast you.
Whitey: "ust get back in my car. Youll stay with me and my sister for a while.
'a!ey: + aint li!ing with you buffoons.
Whitey: What other otions do you got, 8r. Cockefeller$
[Da!ey looks at his trailer burning to the ground. Aade to black$
[Aade into *hitey and 8leanore(s house. Night. 8leanore is knitting, when the phone
rings$
Aleanore: picking up the phone# (ello$
8ischie!ous ?id: o!er phone# (i, is 3helia there$
Aleanore: 3helia who$
8ischie!ous ?id: 3helia (iney.
Aleanore: 3h, feel my hiney$ %Gids o!er the phone laugh& You hoodlums better bring my
wig back5 + know it was you5 puts down the phone# %*hitey and Da!ey enter the house.
*hitey walks past 8leanore, whereas Da!ey stands by the door, causing 8leanore to
notice someone else then *hitey is in her house& (uh$ noticing Da!ey, panicked#
A<777((5 running into the kitchen wildly# +ts a home.in!asion robbery5 in the
kitchen, grabbing a ladle and a pot, putting it on her head# %ake whate!er you want, but
lease dont cho my legs off5
Whitey: entering kitchen, easing 8leanore# +ts okay, Aleanore, its okay.
Aleanore: Whitey, thank god youre here. Were being robbed by a lunatic. to Da!ey#
8ister, if youre going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. %heyre soaking the caret.
'a!ey: brushing off 8leanore(s remarks# (mm.
Whitey: Aleanore, thats 'a!ey )tone, my new artner.
Aleanore: %he criminal$5 'id he force you to bring him here so he could molest you$
'a!ey: (mm$
Whitey: (is home &ust went u in flames, so + in!ited him to stay with us for a while.
Aleanore: takes her glasses and pushes them out to get a better look at Da!ey, then takes
the pot off her head# 3kay, but +m making an in!entory of e!ery single item in this
house.
'a!ey: bored# *ascinating.
Aleanore: pointing at Da!ey shuffling something in his 7acket# Look5 (e already stole
something. (es hiding it in his &acket.
'a!ey: pulling out his card# + didnt steal this. +ts a card my arents ga!e me.
Aleanore: )o why dont you go stay with them$
'a!ey: %hey died.
Aleanore: 8y bad.
'a!ey: pulling out a can of beer# (eres to you guys for letting me crash o!er.
[Da!ey sprays the lefto!er foam on *hitey and 8leanore. =usic begins, beginning the
spoken prelude for the musical number 2Technical Aoul3$
Aleanore: Alcohol in our house$ %his is ne!er going to work.
Whitey: +tll work. We &ust need to set some ground rules so 'a!ey knows how we do
things around here.
Aleanore: +m scared.
Whitey: Look, you gotta understand, its &ust been me and Aleanore for K: years, so she
gets ner!ous around strangers.
[Da!ey sees a picture of 8leanore and *hitey when they were infants$
'a!ey: + wouldnt show that icture to anyone or they might try to take you two guys
back to the laboratory.
Whitey: Listen, we got rules in this house, and you better follow them, or youll find
yourself outta here. %Da!ey 7ust plops his self onto the couch& %his might be harder than +
thought5
I# you come in #rom the street
!ith dirty shoes on your #eet
Thats a technical #oul
I# you switch the radio
To some %modern' music show
Thats a technical #oul
%Da!ey 7ust plays with an ornament on the )hristmas tree, bored&
I# you dont shut the door
A#ter using the #ridgerator
Thats a technical #oul
A technical #oul
takes a snowglobe from Da!ey(s hands#
I# you touch the thermostat
Aleanore: 1oull get hit with a "at pulls out a bat#
Whitey: +ause thats a technical #oul
Aleanore: You will feel my wrath5
Whitey: I# your hair clogs the drain
Aleanore: 1oull know the meaning o# pain pulls out numchucks#
Whitey: +ause thats a technical #oul
Aleanore: +ll show you no mercy5 bangs her head through a wooden board#
'a!ey: 5h, this is such "ullshit&a
Aleanore: (ey5
Whitey:
In this house we say "ullspit
5r its a technical #oul
Aleanore and Whitey: A technical #oul
'a!ey: Let me get this straight, you e,ect me to change my entire lifestyle in one night
because you guys are a coule of sychotic control freaks$
Whitey: You got it, bub5
Aleanore: 3r you can go rot in the gutter or something. +ts u to you, Yankee 'oodle.
'a!ey: Well, + dont wanna do that, but let me run a few 4uestions by so + dont screw u
accidentally. %*hitey and 8leanore both plop down on the couch&
I# I dont spray 6ysol a#ter moving a "owel7
Whitey: Thats a technical #oul
'a!ey: 3kay.
I# I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel7
Whitey: Thats a technical #oul
Aleanor: rela+ed# 0lease, say hiney5
'a!ey: pointing#
I# I make #un o# your crazy #eeties
5r give sugar cookies to .iss 2ia"etes
Whitey: Thats not only a technical #oul, "ut possi"ly a homicide
'a!ey: +an I sleep past three7
Whitey: I# you do, youll get a T
'a!ey: Take a whiz in those #lowers7
Whitey: Ill say hit the showers
'a!ey: ,se this horn as a "ong7
Whitey: Adios, Tommy +hong
'a!ey: .ake some long distance calls7
Aleanore: 1oull get a kick in the "alls* 3os5
'a!ey: +an I walk around with my morning erection7
Whitey:
I# you want an automatic eection
+ause thats a technical #oul
Aleanore: But Id like to see it anyways8&ust kidding.
[=usic dies down to a simple piano beat@ they all walk around each other in the li!ing
room, each singing a song simultaneously$
Whitey:
There are certain rules which apply in ones li#e
!ith your sister, #riends or imaginary wi#e
9espect carries over "eyond the court
!hether youre :ewish, dia"etic or especially short
.y #eet are strange and my groin is hairy
.y imaginary wi#e likes to "e called .ary
'a!ey: 6eginning when *hitey starts singing 2"espect carries o!erE3#
I cant "elieve I havent killed mysel#
4ere with !igs .c;ee and a #urry el#
Shes neurotic and hes a troll
4ow did I get stuck in this shithole7
;uess Ill have to deal with your demands
But please dont touch me with your alien hands
Aleanore: 6eginning when Da!ey starts singing 2She(s neuroticE3#
They took my wig
I remem"er the look in their eyes
!hy, oh, why
!ont someone retrieve my wig, wig, wig7
[=usic builds for the finale$
'a!ey: Ive got no right to growl
Whitey: !hen whistles, shes on the prowl
Aleanore: taking off her wig# !ithout my wig I look like an owl* (oo hoo5
'a!ey: laughing# 3h my god5
Whitey: 'ont laugh at herI
5r its a technical8
Whitey and 'a!ey: grabbing buckets and preparing hot water in them#
3oul*
A technical #oul*
A technical8
All:
3oul*
they all soak their feet in the buckets#
Aleanore: AhhhI
[*hitey and 8leanore start sleeping, while Da!ey look at them$
Narrator: Well, + guess 'a!ey will ha!e to make the best of this.
'a!ey: + guess + got to make the best of this.
Narrator: )ee, + told you. laughs# #ut that shouldnt be too hard for him. A!en loners
need comany sometimes.
[The bathroom, the ne+t morning. Da!ey brushes his teeth, while *hitey sha!es his chest
and 8leanore sha!es her eyebrow$
Whitey: )ha!ing the chest.
Aleanore: Nobody needs a uni.brow.
[Da!ey 7ust laughs at them$
[The mall. *hitey and Da!ey, who holds a bag, walk out of Spencer(s ?ifts$
Whitey: %his is going to scare her silly.
'a!ey: Yeah, it is.
[*hitey and 8leanore(s house, the li!ing room. 8leanore holds a fake can of peanuts,
with Da!ey and *hitey looking at her, smiling$
Aleanore: 0eanuts for me$ opens the can, and snakes fly out# Ahh5
[Da!ey and *hitey laugh while 8leanore farts while screaming$
[Iater, same place. 8leanore is trying to reach some cobwebs with a broom, and *hitey
comes o!er to assist her. Da!ey walks into the room$
Whitey: Wish we were taller, Aleanore$
Aleanore: + cant reach the cobwebs.
[Da!ey picks up *hitey on his shoulders$
Whitey: Whoa.whoa.whoa5
[Da!ey picks up 8leanore, who rides on *hitey(s shoulders. 8leanore brushes off the
cobwebs$
Aleanore: %hank you, 'a!ey.
'a!ey: No roblem, Aleanore.
[Iater, same place. Night. Da!ey is lying on the couch, reading. *hitey turns on a light
for him, while 8leanore brings him the fake can of peanuts. Da!ey grabs it, and snakes
pop out. 8leanore laughs. *hitey starts ha!ing a sei4ure, and soon both 8leanore and
Da!ey are laughing$
'a!ey: 7ood one, Aleanore.
[The skating pond. Day. Da!ey buys a hot chocolate from the concession stand$
Counter woman: handing Da!ey the hot chocolate# (ere you go.
'a!ey: paying her# %hanks. (a!e a good day. walks o!er to the patch !oting bo+, and
inserts a slip saying 2*-IT8J3 into it# 7ood luck, old man.
[Da!ey walks o!er to 8leanore, trying to eat a corn dog with a fork and a spoon$
Aleanore: Now, + can understand wraing the cornmeal around the hot dog, but why the
heck would they sho!e this stick in here$ +m getting e,hausted trying to cut around it.
'a!ey: Youre suosed to hold the stick and &ust eat the corn dog off of it.
Aleanore: holding the corn dog the right way# 3h, how futuristic.
'a!ey: laughing# 3h my god.
Aleanore: Li u or youll catch a throat cold.
'a!ey: 4ipping his 7acket up, somewhat sarcastically# 3h, thank you. sees 5ennifer and
6en7amin skating@ to 6en7amin# (ey, #enny5 Nice game against )aint Catherines this
morning. (ow many buckets you score$
#en&amin: *ourteen.
'a!ey: Youre gonna be league.high scorer if you kee that u, kid.
#en&amin: You &ust got to kee your elbows in.
'a!ey: %hats my man.
[6en7amin tries to drag 5ennifer away, but she 7ust stands and looks at Da!ey, who
smirks at her. =eanwhile, *hitey is skating away, skating around 5ennifer and
6en7amin$
Whitey: (ey, you two, &ust doing circles. Wee5 backflips to the fence ne+t to the
concession stand seating area# 3osy.doodle5 bows#
[Da!ey and 8leanore applaud *hitey$
'a!ey: Yeah5
Whitey: + ha!ent done that in a while. 8aybe +m so e,cited about the ban4uet tonight
its gi!ing me e,tra oomh.
Aleanore: Youll e,tra.oomh yourself right into another sei/ure if you dont calm down.
'a!ey: 'ont worry, hell be all right. (owd you get so good on the ice, anyways$
Whitey: +n the D;s, + reffed youth hockey for a coule of seasons.
Aleanore: <ntil a wrist shot caught him in the back of the skull.
Whitey: Nothing a little metal late couldnt fi,.
[*hitey knocks on his head$
Aleanore: (e was in a coma for three months.
Whitey: + needed the rest anyways. laughs along with 8leanore# %5ennifer looks at the
three& Could + get a lift from you there, artner$
'a!ey: <hh, sure.
[Da!ey lifts *hitey into a seat at the table$
Aleanore: )o, 'a!ey, did you lay the hockey when you were a child$
'a!ey: Nah, those hockey layers got to get u too early.
Whitey: %his guys sort always was and always will be basketball. #ack in M2 he was
the start of what is still known to this !ery day as the F"CC 8iracle 7ameG.
Aleanore: 3h, my.
[Alashback to 0BC0. The 5ewish )ommunity )enter. Night. A game is going on$
Whitey @!oice.o!erN: %he "CC was down by 6H oints.
Coach: huddled up with his team# %he bad news is we stand no chance of winning this
game. %he good news is its Chanukah, so youll all get resents tonight anyways.
'a!ey: )eaking of resents, our arents come to all our games e!en though we always
lose. )o, + was thinking, maybe tonight we could try to win one for them. You know, as a
gift.
"ennifer: %he only way thatll haen is if you take all the shots.
'a!ey: WellIif you guys dont mindI
[They all put there hands in$
2=M2 ?id 12: +ts okay with us.
2=M2 ?id 16: 7o for it.
2=M2 ?id 1-: You got it.
All: folding their arms up# Lets win5
[They all scatter around the court$
"ennifer: to Da!ey# Where are your arents, anyways$
[Da!ey(s parents are missing from the stands$
'a!ey: + dont know. (oefully out getting me an Atari.
[*hitey 0BC0# throws the ball into the air and blows the whistle. The game has started.
Da!ey recie!es the ball, and shoots at the basket, and scores. 5ennifer passes Da!ey the
ball. A kid tries to grab the ball, but like Da!ey from the basketball game with 6en7amin
earlier in the mo!ie, young Da!ey tricks him and shoots another basket, and scores$
2=M2 ?id 1H: All right 'a!ey5
[Da!ey shoots another basket after a!oiding another kid, and scores. Another shot by
Da!ey is scored and the crowd cheers. Da!ey deludes yet another kid and shoots, and
scores. The kids cheer and appear e+tremely happy. =eanwhile, the police enter with a
grim look on their faces. 5ennifer passes the ball to Da!ey, who takes time to look at the
standsEand his parents are still not there$
2=M2 ?id 1D: Come on5
2=M2 ?id 1K: Lets go5
[A kid steals the ball from a distracted Da!ey. 5ennifer, fending for Da!ey, runs in and
knocks the ball out of the kid(s hands$
"ennifer: Well take that5
[Da!ey collects the ball, and tries to a!oid another kid. The kid snaps the ball out of
Da!ey(s hands before he(s about to make a shot$
2=M2 ?id 1:: Not today5 E5ennifer 'uickly 7umps and slams dunks the ball& Whoa5
[Shot of the scoreboard. The final score is9 -,=89 KH, >ISIT,"9 KL. The clock hits
DD9DD and e!eryone in the community center cheers wildly.$
Whitey @2=M2N: %hat kind of shooting makes me want to do the robot dance.
[*hitey, yes, does an MCDs<es'ue robot dance to the tune of Sty+(s 2=r. "oboto3.
=eanwhile, the kids grab Da!ey and hold him high and cheer. Da!ey holds is arms up in
7oy$
[Aree4e<frame. )ut back to present day, at the skating pond$
'a!ey: 3kay, nice story. You can sto now.
Aleanore: No, no, go on. Whitey, + mesmeri/ed.
'a!ey: Can we &ust go$ +m cold.
Aleanore: + want to hear what haens ne,t. +ts like a fairy tale.
[Da!ey sighs, knowing he(s about to hear something he doesn(t want to$
Whitey: <nfortunely, this fairy tale doesnt ha!e a hay ending.
[)ut back to 0BC0, right where we left off. The crowds and the kids still cheer, while two
policemen gi!e *hitey and the coach some information, and a card that says 2T, ,N"
S,N DA>8J3, seen in Da!ey(s trailer earlier in the mo!ie. *hitey 7ust sighs, and looks
at Da!ey. The kids put Da!ey down, who somehow knows something(s wrong. Da!ey
looks into the standsEno parents$
Whitey @!oice.o!erN: 'a!ey was wondering where his arents were. %Da!ey looks at
5ennifer and her mom hugging& %urns out they were on their way to the ball game %The
coach gi!es Da!ey the news and the card& when a truck hit a atch of black ice and
swer!ed into oncoming traffic. 8r. and 8rs. )tone tragically couldnt get out of the way
and died. %Da!ey, not be able to take the news, sho!es away the coach and storms out& +
couldnt belie!e something that horrible could haen to a kid that nice.
[5ennifer sees Da!ey walk by$
"ennifer: (ey, 'a!ey5
Whitey @!oice.o!erN: (e walked right through that door %*hitey tells 5ennifer the news,
in which, horrified, she buries herself into her mother(s chest while Da!ey walks out of
the community center& and into foster home after foster home until his 2M
th
birthday.
[*hitey 7ust sighs sadly$
[)ut back to present day, the skating pond$
Aleanore: 3h, my. You oor, oor boy. What in hea!ens name did you do$
'a!ey: Lets &ust get off of this.
Whitey: (e didnt know how to handle it. What twel!e.year.old would$ (e basically shut
down.
[)ut back to 0BC0, the 5)) locker room. 5ennifer walks in. She peers o!er the corner to
see Da!ey packing his stuff$
"ennifer: (ey.
'a!ey: (ey.
"ennifer: 'a!ey, +.+m so sorry. + dont know what to say.
'a!ey: %heres nothing to say. 8y arents are dead. (ay Chanukah. Now, lea!e me
alone.
[Da!ey walks out. 5ennifer looks at him, with tears in her eyes$
[)ut back to present day, the skating pond$
Aleanore: %hats the saddest story +!e e!er heard.
[8leanore weeps three times, snorts, and then rela+es and sighs, as if she(s gotten it out of
her system$
'a!ey: annoyed, slightly angry# (ey, +m outta here. + dont need this symathy cra.
Whitey: 8aybe its time you sto running from you emotions.
'a!ey: slightly shouting# +m not. +m running from two crybabies who wont shut u
about something that isnt any of their business.
Aleanore: You know, + read recently in FCeaders 'igestG that eole who let themsel!es
cry when theyre hurting are often stronger than the eole who try to hold all their ain
inside.
'a!ey: angry# 'id you read about a deformed referee who sends -D years trying to win
some stuid atch, so he can retend eole actually like him$5
Aleanore: Which month was that in$
Whitey: starting to cry, serious# %ake that back.
'a!ey: Listen, if they ha!e an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins who no one
e!en gi!es a cra about, you two are definitely winning. #ut that atch thing aint e!er
gonna haen for you because the truth is, yelling# nobody in this town e!en knows you
e,ist5
[5ennifer and 6en7amin look up, concerned$
Aleanore: starting to cry# Youre an animal5
'a!ey: And youre bald5
[Da!ey steals the wig off of 8leanore$
Aleanore: Not again5
[8leanore trips o!er in her seat. Da!ey begins walking away$
Whitey: Youre not welcome in my house.
'a!ey: yelling# 7ood, your house )<C?)5
"ennifer: 'o you ha!e to be nasty to e!eryone who tries to hel you$
'a!ey: %hats my roblem5
[Da!ey throws 8leanore(s wig at 5ennifer. 5ennifer ducks and the wig lands on the )hina
Dragon *aiter$
C'W: (e &ust a no.goodnick. And + am the real ?risti Yamaguchi.
[The )D* skates off, and 5ennifer looks at Da!ey walking away solemnly$
[,utside *hitey and 8leanore(s house. Day. *hitey and 8leanore walk out of the car$
Narrator: Wow. "ust when you started to really like 'a!ey, he goes and has a butthole
relase.
[The deer show concern for *hitey and 8leanore who still has no wig#$
Whitey: sadly# (ey, fellas.
[*hitey and 8leanore start walking up the steps$
Narrator: You know, Aleanore really does look like an owl. chuckles# )orry.
Whitey: Cheer u, Aleanore. Lets &ust get ready for the ban4uet.
[Some of the deer walk in$
[*hitey and 8leanore(s house, *hitey(s room. *hitey puts on some cologne while four
male deer walk in$
Whitey: +t doesnt hurt to smell nice. 'oes it, fellas$ giggles, than pats on of the deer
who gi!es him a tie# Youre a good deer.
[8leanore(s room. Three female deer wear 8leanore(s wigs in front of 8leanore, who sits
on the bed$
Aleanore: Lets try the red wig. And lease, dont cra on my caret.
[.an outward from the house$
Narrator: Well, while Whitey and Aleanore are getting ready for the ban4uetI
[5ust outside town, night. Da!ey walks in a drunken da4e$
Narrator: Ithe moron is ha!ing a arty of his own. And when eole get in the state that
'a!eys in %Da!ey sees the mall& they do really stuid things, like go to a mall thats
ob!iously closed %Da!ey heads towards the mall& to yell at a woman thats ob!iously not
there.
[Da!ey crashes through the glass employee entrance. The alarm sounds, but Da!ey 7ust
throws his beer bottle at it, which shuts it up$
'a!ey: )(<% <05 "ennifer5 "ANN+*AC5 walks into the mall drunkenly# Whats the
matter with the way + li!e my life$ (uh, "ennifer$5 Where are you$5 (ome reading your
baby boy a bedtime story while he sucks his thumb and goes ee.ee on his blanket$5
AWW, (3C)A)(+%55
*oot Locker 8an: offstage# Look who finally showed u. We!e been waiting for you all
night.
'a!ey: Who said that$
[)ut to the Aoot IockerEyet this time the logo is coming to life. And the mall is changing
into a red and blue dreamy color as the logos come to life. if you(re wondering how this
is like, think of the enchanted ob7ects from 26eauty and the 6east3#$
*oot Locker 8an: + said that. A!erybody wake u5 %his is not a rehearsal. Numb.nuts is
here.
[The .anda 8+press .anda wakes to life$
0anda A,ress 0anda: Wee5
[A radio from "adio Shack wakes up$
Cadio )hack Cadio: Coger on that. 3!er.
[A massage chair from Sharper Image wakes up$
)harer +mage Chair: !ery shaky# Lets do this, eole.
[The old lady in a bo+ from See(s )andies springs to life$
)ees Candies Lady: "ust let me ut my teeth in.
[A cup from )offee 6ean walks up to Da!ey$
Coffee #ean Cu: (ow do you like your &a!a$
'a!ey: With a shot of whiskey.
Coffee #ean Cu: Lets try it black instead.
[The )offee 6ean )up spits out hot coffee on Da!ey$
'a!ey: AWW, %(A% #<CN)55
%The .anda 8+press .anda walks up to G.6. Toys, knocks on the glass, which wakes the
toy soldiers$
0anda A,ress 0anda: Wake u, kids. 3ur hot and sour friend is here.
?.#. )oldiers: Were coming, were coming5
0anda A,ress 0anda: sliding down# Wee5
[)ut to a dress from >ictoria(s Secret coming to life$
>ictorias )ecret 'ress: 3oh5 +ts about time you got here. +!e been lying in my bed
tossing and turning.
[A promotional bottle from the window at ?N) walks out ali!e$
7NC 7uy: seducti!ely# + know. + was watching ya. %The dress scowls at him&
ner!ously# <hI+ mean, uh, me too5 smiles and winces#
'a!ey: What the heck is haening right now$
*oot Locker 8an: )omething that should ha!e haened 6; years ago.
Cadio )hack Cadio: %ime to cry, 'a!ey. 3!er.
'a!ey: What$ 7et out of here. +m lea!ing.
7NC 7uy: You can run from Whitey, but you aint gonna run from us.
[The logos strap Da!ey to the Sharper Image chair. The 2Inter!ention Song3 begins$
*oot Locker 8an:
!e all heard what happened at the skating rink today
!hen !hitey "rought up your sad past
1ou snapped and walked away
!ell may"e theyre onto something that you should give a try
;o ahead and let out and have yoursel# a cry
?.#. )oldiers: 6et it out, 2avey
'a!ey: Aw, shut your wooden mugs
>ictorias )ecret 'ress: 6et it out, 2avey
7NC 7uy: !ould you check out her "ezugs7
'a!ey:
1ou all want me to deal with pain
!ell, %cheers' is what I say
7NC 7uy:
This here stu## ust num"s the pain
It dont make it go away
)ees Candies Lady: 1ou try to act so tough
*oot Locker 8an: But you ust live a lie*
>ictorias )ecret 'ress:
!hy dont you show your #eminine side
And have yoursel# a cry7
7NC 7uy: happily# !oo*
Coffee #ean Cu: 6et it out, 2avey
'a!ey: Ill pour you down the sink
)harer +mage Chair: 1ou gotta do it, 2avey
'a!ey: 1all can "ite my dink
1ou la"els and logos are wasting your time
.aking me sit here
+ause nothing you can say or do
!ill make me shed a tear
0anda A,ress 0anda:
4e possesses a strong spirit
And wont let down his guard
*oot Locker 8an:
So now well "ring in the "ig gun
4is "eauti#ul +hanukah card
[=usic changes into sad and soft. Suddenly, Da!ey(s card flies in on a balloon as the
mall backgrounds change to normal. The card opens with a picture that Da!ey(s parents
took of Da!ey seen taking in an earlier flashback in the mo!ie# and a picture of the
parents themsel!es$
Cadio )hack Cadio: %ake it, 'a!ey, it might ha!e money in it. 3!er.
[Da!ey(s parents in the picture come to life as well$
8r. )tone: 4appy +hanukah to our wonder#ul son
8rs. )tone: 1ou #ill our lives with oy
#oth:
2ont ever change the way you are %The logos disappear&
1ou "eauti#ul,
<=&year old
Boy
[Da!ey finally bursts into tears as the camera pulls back to re!eal the two policemen$
0oliceman 12: #reaking and entering. + knew youd screw u e!entually, )tone.
'a!ey: +m sorry.
0oliceman 12: )a!e your sorries for the &udge.
[The policemen get Da!ey up to arrest him. Da!ey 'uickly 7umps around, grabs
.oliceman /1, handcuffs his hand to .oliceman /0, puts him in a position where his
crotch is on .oliceman /1(s ass and runs out$
0oliceman 12: after a pause# 3hh, this is embarrassing.
[,utside the ban'uet hall. 5ennifer prepares 6en7amin for the all<star ban'uet. She looks
at a husband holding the door open for his family$
(usband: Come on, guys.
Wife: 3kay, sweetheart.
#en&amin: to 5ennifer# 'ont be sad, mom. + can be your date.
(omeless 8an: You should let me be date. + may be dirty and smelly, but in the dark, +m
&ust smelly.
"ennifer: standing up# Well, thank you, but he asked first.
[The parking lot. *hitey(s car slowly mo!es into a spot$
Aleanore: off<screen, ner!ous# 3h my god5 )low down5 Come on, +m scared. (ey, why
are we stoed now$ %*hitey gets out of the car& What are you doing$ Whats going on$
Whos out there$ 'o we need to call the olice$
Whitey: helping 8leanore out of the car# 'ont worry, Aleanore. + romise youll ha!e a
good time.
Aleanore: off<screen# All right, brother. Lets go win this thing.
[8leanore steps out in a dress, with a coat on$
Whitey: You look like Audrey (eburn if she was four feet and weighed -;; ounds.
Aleanore: blushing# %hank you.
[They begin to walk to the ban'uet hall$
Whitey: Watch the ice, Aleanore. 'ont sli.
Aleanore: +ts all good, Whitey.
[They walk in front of a tall man, who seems to notice them$
Ali: Aleanore 'u!all$ +s that you$
Aleanore: Why do you want to know$
Whitey: What can we do you for, bub$
Ali: 3hh, +!e been waiting to see your sister for many years.
Aleanore: Are you the kid who stole my wig$
Ali: Yes, +m Ali Wolstan and +!e always felt bad about being so thoughtless when + was
young. )o + wanted to return this to you.
[8li pulls out 8leanore(s old wig and gi!es it to her$
Aleanore: %hank you.
[8leanore high kicks 8li right in the face, knocking him down and gi!ing him a black
eye$
Whitey: *eel better$
Aleanore: 3ne more thing. @puts 8li(s hand down his crotch and puts on her old wig,
tossing the new one on the )D*# Now + feel better.
C'W: sporting the wig, to 8li, who wakes up# At least this one make me look retty.
[Dukesberry. .olice cars search for Da!ey$
0olice Cadio: Attention all officers. 'a!ey )tone is on the loose.
[A spotlight reaches a bush. ,nce it passes by, Da!ey peeks his head from it, and notices
a bus pulling up$
#us )ystem: Last bus to New York. City now boarding.
[,utside the ban'uet hall. Some deer walk up to the window to sneak a peek inside$
[Inside the ban'uet hall. The music for the 2.atch Song3 is heard in the background.
8leanore walks up to *hitey with a restroom germ protector o!er her shoulders$
Aleanore: Whitey, they were gi!ing out lobster bibs in the bathroom.
Whitey: %hats not a lobster bib, Aleanore. %hats a germ rotector for your tushy.
Aleanore: 3h, okay. Well, +ll use it here. takes off the protector and puts it on her seat,
and sits# 8y hiney is germ.free and + lo!e it.
[The three kids sitting across from *hitey and 8leanore on the small table snicker and
laugh$
8ayor: at a podium# 7ood e!ening, ladies and gentlemen. +m 8ayor )tuey 'uhy, and
+d like to welcome you all to the -D
th
annual youth league basketball all.star ban4uet.
%The townspeople clap& Well, for those of you celebrating Christmas tomorrow, merry
Christmas.
=; ercent of the townseole: raising their drinks# 8erry Christmas5
8ayor: And for those of you celebrating the eighth night of Chanukah this e!ening, +d
like to say, hay Chanukah.
%he rest: raising their drinks# (ay Chanukah5
[Some laugh at the meager amount of 5ewish people. 5ennifer nudges 6en7amin$
[Dukesberry. Da!ey walks up to the open ?reyhound bus$
#us 'ri!er: 7oing to the #ig Ale, son$
'a!ey: climbing in# Yeah.
[Da!ey selects a seat$
#us 'ri!er: #usiness or leasure$
'a!ey: sitting down# <h, freedom.
#us 'ri!er: 3h, + see. Youre one of them hiie.diy fellas.
[Inside the ban'uet hall$
8ayor: Now, e!eryone knows + like to start these e!ents with a &oke. (owe!er, +!e been
so darn busy at the hardware store this year, +!e had no time to think of a great one. #ut +
did think of this dri!ing o!er: ?nock, knock.
%ownseole: Whos there$
8ayor: 'ont you.
%ownseole: 'ont you who$
8ayor: 'ont you wish + hadnt been so darn busy at the hardware store this year and +
had more time to come u with a great one$
[The small 7oke sends off a trigger of laughs, maybe too much. *hitey climbs on the table
in a fit of laughter, while the coach from the 5)) =iracle ?ame flashback dances in the
aisle. The kids at *hitey and 8leanore(s table are laughing so hard snot comes out there
noses, but they(re laughing at 8leanore dancing in the aisleEwith the germ protector
firmly placed on her butt$
[,utside the ban'uet hall, the deer are laughing so hard poop flies out of them like
machine guns firing$
[Inside the ban'uet hall, the )D* is laughing so hard, he tears off his shirt and bangs
his head on the table$
#en&amin: confused# 8om, + didnt get that one.
"ennifer: + dont think anybody did. 0eole &ust try to be nice to the mayor.
8ayor: Yeah, its gonna be a good night. Now, lets get to it. %The laughing stops&
pulling out an en!elope, getting the slip inside# %he award for most imressi!e growth
goes to a kid who began at H.foot.6 and is now about to take the stage at his current
height of K.foot.D. 'onald (ardy5 7et u you beanole5
[The townspeople cheer and a lanky, tall teen stands up. -e pulls off his shirt, which
re!eals !ery hairy armpits, making the townspeople gasp$
'onald: )aint +gnatius is number one5
8ayor: to microphone# (oefully that young mans getting a weed whacker for
Christmas.
[They all laugh$
8an 16: %he mayor is !ery funny.
[,utside Dukesberry. Da!ey reminisces about the past and 7ust sinks down$
Narrator: Look at 'a!ey, inches away from a clean getaway. %Da!ey looks towards the
ban'uet hall in the distance& #ut theres some things you &ust arent meant to get away
from.
[Suddenly, a popping noise is heard. All the bus tires go flat$
#us 'ri!er: What the hey$ %The bus swer!es around& Whoa5 Whoa5 (ang in there,
#etsy5 Well make it5 Whoa5
[The bus screeches to a halt$
'a!ey: Nice dri!ing skills, al.
[The bus dri!er picks up a thumbtack$
#us 'ri!er: %hats the strangest thing +!e e!er seen. 3ne thumbtack oed all eight of
my back tires.
[The ice menorah emits it a glow to Da!ey$
'a!ey: looking upwards# 3kay. + see what youre doing.
#us 'ri!er: Who you talking to$ (a!ing one of them hiie.diy mushroom
flashbacks$
[Da!ey walks out of the bus$
'a!ey: + need to go aologi/e to someone before + lea!e.
#us 'ri!er: + know you hiies dont wear watches, but + should ha!e it all fi,ed in thirty
minutes.
'a!ey: running off# +ll see you then5
#us 'ri!er: Cun, hiie, run5
[,utside the ban'uet hall. The music for the song 2Technical Aoul3 plays in the
background. The deer notice Da!ey walking up$
'a!ey: +m &ust here to say +m sorry to the little guy. + swear. %The deer think otherwise&
+f + gi!e myself a wedgie, will you belie!e me then$ %The deer contemplate, then agree&
gi!es himself such a wedgie that the underwear rips right off and knocks him down#
3kay$ %The deer nod& walks to the window# 7lad we could work that out.
[Inside the ban'uet hall$
Aleanore: + cant belie!e +m in the same room as the mayor.
Whitey: + cant belie!e how many rolls you ut in your urse.
[8leanore pulls out her purse, filled to the brim with rolls$
Aleanore: +tll be a nice snack for *ebruary.
[The kids snicker$
8ayor: Ladies and gentlemen, this ne,t award, the 'ukesberry All.)tar 0atch was
created -D years ago to recogni/e eole for their tireless work ethic, their unaralleled
generosity and their assion and dedication to both the league and to our fine community.
Aleanore: to *hitey# Your hands are soing wet. 'ont be so ner!ous, Whitey.
Whitey: +m not ner!ous. +m e,cited. +!e been waiting -D years for this night.
[,utside the ban'uet hall. The deer notice the police walking up. They contemplate what
to do. .oliceman /: walks up to see the deer doing a pyramid$
0oliceman 1H: You see something$
0oliceman 1-: "ust some deer doing a yramid.
0oliceman 1H: 3kay, well, lets kee looking.
[The deer collapse and walk back up to the window$
'a!ey: 7ood &ob, fellas.
[Inside the ban'uet hall. The mayor holds up the patch$
8ayor: (and.icked by you, the eole of our fine town %*hitey looks at it in hope& +
now resent the -D
th
annual 'ukesberry All.)tar 0atch Award toIrips the en!elope and
pulls out the slip#
'a!ey: looking from the window with the deer# 0lease let there be a miracle.
[5ennifer and 6en7amin both cross their fingers. *hitey stands up, as if he knows it(s
him$
8ayor: I%om #alte/or5 %*hitey is crushed& %om, come u here and get this sucker5
[Tom 6alte4or stands up basically an animated 5on Io!it4, who also !oices him#, while
*hitey is still trying to contemplate what is going on. 6en7amin sadly looks down$
8an: Attaboy, %ommy5
[Da!ey tears up lowering his head as well. *hitey and 8leanore sadly gather up their
things. *hitey claps a few times and enters out as the scene turns into slow<motion$
'a!ey: in *hitey(s mind as *hitey tears up# Nobody in this town e!en knows you e,ist5
[*hitey e+its while 8leanore steps in one more time$
Aleanore: All of eole can bite my germ.free booty5
%ownseole: (uh$
[,utside the ban'uet hall. Da!ey finishes crying$
'a!ey: Looks like + better do a lot more than &ust aologi/e. )ee you in ten years, fellas.
[Da!ey walks up to the double doors$
[Inside the ban'uet hall, Tom is at the podium$
%om: When + was a kid laying youth league ball for 0almer Aiscoal, + dreamed of two
things: Learning to make a lay.u with my left hand and becoming a multi.billionaire. +
think you all know which dream came true.
[Tom pulls out a hook in place for his left hand, which shocks the )D*$
C'W: W3W5 )orry5 %hat one caught me by surrise.
%om: And e!en though + dont recall scoring a oint during my four seasons of lay
laughs with the townspeople# %Da!ey enters the ban'uet hall& the memories of the fun
times + did ha!e made it !ery easy for me to urchase the new digital scoreboard for the
community center earlier this year. %hanks for the recognition.
[The crowd cheers$
8an: %hanks for the scoreboard5
Woman: %hank you, %ommy5
[Da!ey stands on a chair and addresses to the people$
'a!ey: A,cuse me5 Can + &ust say something$
0oliceman 12: pointing# %here he is5
8ayor: )tone, what are you doing here$
0oliceman 12: handcuffing Da!ey# 7etting himself arrested, 8ayor 'uhy cause he broke
into the mall.
C'W: + L3>A +%5 Your ass busted5 Now you go to &ail and marry big, smelly man.
"udge: )tone, you screwed u for the last time. %hat ten.year sentence + romised you
starts tonight.
%ownseole: Yeah5
'a!ey: tearing up# 0lease, &ust let me seak for one second5
#en&amin: s'uinting# Are those tears in his eyes$
"ennifer: *inally. stands up# Let the guy talk5 After all, it is the holidays.
8rs. )elman: standing up# )hes right. And %(AN well send him u the ri!er5
%ownseole: Yeah5
8ayor: 3kay, 8rs. %rile.NileJ+, + mean 8rs. )elman. 7o ahead, 8r. )tone. Lets
hear your arting words of wisdom.
[The policemen let Da!ey go$
'a!ey: + know you eole dont like me, + know you dont care about my oinion, but
here it goes. %ommy, nothing ersonal, but Whitey 'u!all should ha!e won the atch
tonight and you eole are all cra/y for not reali/ing that.
%om: Why would we gi!e Whitey 'u!all the atch$ )o he could use it as a blanket.
[The townspeople laugh uproariously. Tom tries to pat the =ayor with his hook, but it
7ust stabs him$
8ayor: 3w5 3ww5 3ww55
'a!ey: %hats the reaction + thought + get.
[=usic suddenly begins, starting up the musical number 26um 6iddy3$
-veryone in this room has "een associated with !hitey, that through "asket"all or the
mall or various odd o"s he does around town #or #ree or a most a dollar*
And Im guessing >> percent o# you have either laughed in !hiteys #ace or ruthlessly
made #un o# his #eet or voice or sister or shortness when he wasnt looking*
But the ne0t time youd see him, hed go out o# his way to smile and wave at you and
ask a"out your mothers operation or something like that "ecause he, unlike us,
actually cares a"out some"ody other than himsel#*
The reason I "ring this up to you
Is "ecause8I was the worst o##ender
5# all8
"eminisces about the past being mean to *hitey#
.y li#e was simply going nowhere
Then a tiny little man rushed to my side
4e shouldve gotten a "ig 'Thank you'
Instead he got a porta&potty ride
I was such a shithead
But he never quit on me
Til I told him he was useless
And his sister was #reaky*
[A family man stands up, and reminisces about watching a football game$
*amily 8an:
5nce when we were watching Sunday #oot"all
A #uzzy screen was all that we could see
!hitey came over with hanger
And spent the game on top o# a T?
And then lightning stuck him
4e let out a wicked, loud yell
But we ust turned up the volume
And ignored the "urning smell@
!e should all rot in hell*
[The old lady from 2Da!ey(s Song3 and the mall stands up and starts reminiscing about
a prank she played on *hitey back in high school$
3ld Lady:
I went to high school with !hitey
As a oke I told him to %.eet me at the prom'
!hen he got there I told him %I cant "elieve you thought I was serious'
So he ran home crying and slow danced with his mom
'a!ey:
!hat a crushing "low to !hitey
I "et you wish you can take it "ack*
C'W:
4ow could you "e all so mean to !hitey7
Seems to me you are all on crack*
[The homeless man gasps$
"ennifer:
Tonight !hitey was counting on this town
To show him that we car&are
But the #irst time he really needed us
!e werent there* holds the line until Da!ey finishes his#
#en&amin: And on +hristmas eve and the last night o# +hanukah*
'a!ey: Its ust not #air**
[.oliceman /1 starts dancing in the aisles$
0oliceman 16:
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um "um
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um
[The )D* 7oins him$
C'W:
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um "um
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um
'a!ey: about Tom# I wonder i# that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand7
%om: ashamed# Yes.
All:
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um "um
Bum "iddy "iddy "um
[,utside the ban'uet hall, looking o!er$
All:
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um "um
Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy "um
fading out# Bum "iddy "iddy "iddy8
[)ut to *hitey(s car dri!ing to the mall$
Aleanore: offscreen# +m so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.
Whitey: offscreen# We should go to the mall.
[Inside *hitey(s car$
Whitey: %hat lace always makes me feel better.
Aleanore: strapped tightly to her seat# #ut its closed.
Whitey: 8aybe the night guard forgot to lock the door again.
Aleanore: Well, if he didnt, we can at least sit in front of it. %hese are deserate times5
[,utside the mall. *hitey approaches the door$
Whitey: Let the door be oen. 0lease, &ust gi!e me that.
[*hitey successfully opens the door$
Aleanore: 3h, thank god5
[Inside the mall. *hitey and 8leanore walk to the main rotunda$
Aleanore: %his is the most beautiful lace +!e e!er seen. +ts like a sanctuary.
Whitey: Aleanore, could you &ust gi!e me a second to say a few words in ri!ate$
Aleanore: hugging *hitey# %ake as much time as you need, Whitey.
Whitey: takes off his coat and walks to the dead center of the rotunda. -e sits on his
knees# (ey, mall, long time, no see. *ourteen hours to be e,act. +f you ha!ent heard by
now, + didnt get that atch +!e been telling you about for all these years. +n fact, +!e
been kind of kidding myself to e!en think + was in the running. You see, the eole of
'ukesberry think +m nothing but a &oke. )o + was kind of thinking, maybe + should mo!e
to a town where nobody knows who + am. the Aoot Iocker =an sheds a tear, as well as
the .anda 8+press .anda# At least then theyd ha!e a reason not to acknowledge me. +
think Aleanore might like *lorida, and + hear they got some retty ama/ing malls there.
'a!ey: offscreen# Youre not going anywhere.
Whitey: (uh$
Aleanore: (oly shit, did the mall &ust say something$5
'a!ey: walking out of the shadows# No, it was me.
Whitey: What do you want, )tone$
'a!ey: + came to aologi/e, Whitey.
Whitey: Well, theres nothing to aologi/e for, )tone, because you were right. Nobody
does care about me.
'a!ey: + dont think thats true. 'o you, 8r. 8ayor$
[The mayor walks out$
8ayor: Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your artner, 'a!ey )tone, actually did
a good thing for this community.
Aleanore: What he do, steal beer for e!eryone$
8ayor: No, Aleanore. (e made me oen my eyes to see what a great man your brother is
and how neglectful we!e all been. %hats why +m Whitey. +m here to fi, a big mistake.
[The mall suddenly lights up and becomes golden. =usic immediately begins for the
grand finale 2It(s Jour =oment, *hiteyO3$
All:
Its your moment, !hitey
1ouve waited oh, so long
Its your moment, !hitey
!ere here to right our wrong
[The mayor rips the patch off of Tom$
%om: 3ww5 stabs himself with his hook# 3ww55
8ayor: Whitey 'u!all, for ser!ice to the league and this community, + roudly resent to
you the -D
th
annual 'ukesberry All.)tar 0atch.
[*hitey grabs the patch$
Whitey: #ut this is %oms.
%om: 8r. 'u!all, the -D
th
All.)tar 0atch is now where it belongs.
Whitey: + cant belie!e this is haening.
[The townspeople start throwing down their patches as well$
%ownseole:
And the -H
th
5
And the --
rd
5
8rs. )elman: And the -6
nd
, and the -2
st
, and the -;
th
5
%ownseole:
6=
th
5
And the 2K
th
5
And the 6M
th
5
And the 6-
rd
5
And the 6:
th
5
Aleanore: 3h, Whitey5
%ownseole:
And the 22
th
5
And the 6D
th
5
And the 2M
th
5
Number two5
We lo!e you, Whitey5
[*hitey walks o!er to Da!ey$
Whitey: You steed u for me, )tone. + dont know if + could e!er reay you.
'a!ey: Well, you can hel me with my dream.
Whitey: You got a dream$ What is it$
'a!ey: %o ha!e someone wish me a hay Chanukah and feel as good as + used to when
my dad would say it to me.
Whitey: (ay Chanukah, )tone.
'a!ey: 8erry Christmas, Whitey.
[They hug$
%ownseole: AwwwI
Whitey: You know, )tone, if my imaginary wife and + e!er ha!e a son, + hoe you
consider him a brother.
'a!ey: %hanks, Whitey. And +ll retend + ne!er heard you say that.
Whitey: Areciate it.
[*hitey is picked up and held by some townspeople, where he goes on thanking people$
All:
Its your moment, !hitey
-noy, our tiny #riend
6ike the Bavarian cream&#illed donut
1ou ate last week
Aleanore: to Da!ey and 5ennifer# Would you three show Whitey and + how to light the
Chanukah candles at our house tonight$
"ennifer: to 6en7amin# You u for that, al$
[6en7amin laughs in 7oy$
Aleanore: And when #en&amin falls aslee the both of you can lay )in the 'reidel for
tongue kisses.
'a!ey: )ounds good to me.
Aleanore: making Da!ey and 5ennifer hold hands# Now, go li!e, haily e!er after or +ll
drokick the teeth out of your mouth.
'a!ey: happily# %hat wont be necessary.
8rs. )elman: breastfeeding three babies on her three different breasts# Aww, they make
a nice coule.
Whitey: regal# I never8want this to8end** 0atch5
[*hitey starts going into another sei4ure$
Narrator: 'ont worry, folks. Whiteys okay.
Whitey: in sei4ure# %his is the haiest sei/ure of my life5
Narrator: )ee, + told you.
[)ut to black$
Whitey: YeaaI
%(A AN'