FAMILY GUY

"More Money, More Funny"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

ACT ONE
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
QUAGMIRE is seated at a poker table with Mayor West, CAL
TOMLINSON (50, Texan), and a POKER DEALER. We see a booth
with the TV announcer/commentators LON McEACHAERN and NORMAN
CHAD.
LON MCEACHERN
We're back at the World Series of
Poker, here at the Quahog Casino,
Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.
NORM CHAD
This place holds the distinction of
being the world's only indoor ostrich
farm, as well as the location used in
the 1987 blaxploitation film, I'm
Gonna Kill Yo Ass in a Casino.
INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY
A BLACK MAN (30) is playing a slot machine. Right behind him,
an ostrich lays an egg, and a farmer in overalls walks over
and collects the egg. The Black Man collects his winning from
his machine and gets up. He sees BLACK MAN 2 (30).
BLACK MAN
Yo, man. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a
casino.
He attacks Black Man 2, and they have a stereotypical
blaxploitation kung fu fight.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
The dealer is shuffling the deck.

2.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)

And we're down to three players: poker
champion Cal Tomlinson, taffy eating
champion Adam West, and sex addict
Glenn Quagmire.
NORM CHAD (V.O)
Glenn has two STDs. That's one less
than my ex-wife.
The Dealer deals each player two cards face down.
QUAGMIRE
(TO MAYOR WEST) Uh. Mayor West? Why is
your hand on my shoulder?
The camera reveals that Mayor West's hand is on Quagmire's
shoulder.
MAYOR WEST
Oh. I thought that was my shoulder.
(TAKES HIS HAND OFF OF QUAGMIRE'S
SHOULDER, AND ON HIS OWN SHOULDER) You
know, we should label our shoulders
for future reference. Does anyone have
a label maker on them?
A MAN standing behind the table hands Mayor West a label
maker.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
PETER, JOE, and CLEVELAND are seated at a table and watching
the poker tournament on TV.
PETER
I can't believe Quagmire is playing
for a $15 million grand prize.
(MORE)

3.
PETER (CONT'D)

This is really exciting. But on the

other hand, I can watch the Three
Stooges on my phone.
He takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.
PETER (CONTD)
Ah ha ha ha! Moe just slapped Curly!
Ah ha ha ha! (SHOWS HIS PHONE TO
CLEVELAND) Look, Cleveland! Look! I
think he's about to slap him again.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
NORM CHAD (V.O.)
Boy. This Quagmire guy -- everyone's
talking about him and all his creative
plays at the table.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Indeed. Glenn Quagmire has really made
a name for himself throughout this
tournament, thanks to a brilliant
combination of audacious bluffs and
sexual harassment.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)
Quagmire is seated at a table with seven other PLAYERS, all
of whom have already folded, except for a busty FEMALE PLAYER
who puts some chips into the pot. Glenn puts in an equal
amount of chips.

4.

QUAGMIRE
I call. I have three of a kind. And
you have a large pair. A large pair of
breasts.
She flips over her hand.
FEMALE PLAYER
I have a full house.
QUAGMIRE
You have a full blouse.
FEMALE PLAYER
I'm done playing with you!
She shoves all her chips towards Quagmire's stack.
FEMALE PLAYER (CONTD)
Here! Just take my chips!
She stands up and walks away.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
On screen, we can see graphics of the players' hidden cards-Mayor West: two "Draw Four" Uno cards. Quagmire: 2s 5d. Cal
Tomlinson: Jd 8d. The community cards on the table are Jh As
7c.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
It's Quagmire's turn to act.
Quagmire puts in some chips.
NORM CHAD (V.O)
This is amazing! Quagmire is bluffing
two opponents with just 5 high! His
cards are as worthless as my ex-wife.
Tomlinson and Mayor West quickly call.

5.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)

Both players call.
The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts on the board. Tomlinson and
Mayor West check, and Quagmire bets.
NORM CHAD (V.O.)
Quagmire bluffs again!
CAL TOMLINSON
I call.
He puts in some chips.
Mayor West flips over his Draw Four cards and puts them in
front of Quagmire and Tomlinson.
MAYOR WEST
Draw four!
The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Mayor Adam West has just been
disqualified for playing Uno instead
of poker.
MAYOR WEST
You sunk my battleship!
The Dealer puts a 7 of hearts on the board. Tomlinson checks,
and Quagmire pushes in a bunch of chips.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
Quagmire bets ten million chips with
absolutely nothing!
Tomlinson throws his cards in the muck.
LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)
And Tomlinson folds!

6.

NORM CHAD (V.O.)

Did I mention that my ex-wife spends
$120 a month on hand lotion? How much
lotion can one woman put on her
hands?!
INT. GRIFFINS' HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie and Brian are watching the poker tournament on TV.
Brian changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD is performing.
JERRY SEINFELD
Breakfast is the most important and
confusing meal of the day. I mean, is
there anyone on this planet who can
listen to Rice Krispies, and hear the
difference between a snap, a crackle,
and a pop?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie laughs.
BRIAN
You like this? I was about to change
channel.
Stewie puts a knife to Brian's throat.
STEWIE
Back away from the remote.

7.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it when you mix toast with
an egg, the whole thing becomes French
toast? I mean, does that work with
other things? If you mix an egg with
my wife's vagina, does that mean my
wife has a French vagina? Am I
supposed to eat it, or give it a
French kiss?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie is drinking milk, and he laughs so hard, the milk
comes flying out of his nose.
Brian show no trace of amusement.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD
And how come so many New York City cab
drivers have stupid names like Amal?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE
Exactly! They're foreigners!
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD
And why is it that when you get on an
airplane, the flight attendants teach
you how to use your seatbelt?
(MORE)

8.
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)

Do they think that if we don't get

those instructions, we'll use the
seatbelt to choke ourselves while we
masturbate on the plane?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) Jerry Seinfeld
is a creative genius. I never knew art
could reach such an incredible level
of beauty and grace. I mean, seriously
-- what's French about the toast?
BRIAN
Um -- Stewie, it's just observational
humor about breakfast and foreigners.
Art is a painting, or a sculpture, or
a novel.
STEWIE
A novel? What -- you mean like your
novel?
BRIAN
Well. Yeah.
STEWIE
Does your novel ask the important
questions -- like, "What's French
about French toast?

9.

BRIAN
No. It asks the important questions -like, "What does it really mean to be
a human being? Or a dog."
STEWIE
Let me just ask you this. What's the
deal with your novel, Brian?
BRIAN
The deal with it is "kiss my ass."
STEWIE
I mean, instead of writing mindless
drivel, why don't you try doing what
Jerry Seinfeld does?
BRIAN
Jerry Seinfeld writes the most
mindless drivel of all!
STEWIE
I will not stand for you to sully the
image of Mr. Seinfeld! How dare you! I
mean, I'd like to see you come up with
an insightful, witty observation like,
"What's so French about French toast?"
BRIAN
I'd like to see you come up with
observations like that.

10.

STEWIE
Well. I'd like to see that as well.
... Oh my goodness, Brian! I just
realized what I want to do with my
life. I want to be a stand up
comedian!
BRIAN
Great. I think you should.
STEWIE
Really?
BRIAN
Absolutely. Because I'm gonna piss all
over your comedy the way you've pissed
all over my novel.
STEWIE
Piss. That's a funny word. Maybe I can
use that in my act. Piss. Piss. Or how
about mango? That sounds funny, too.
Mango. Mango. Mango.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table
with $15 million cash and a deck of cards.
JOE
How the hell did you outplay Cal
Tomlinson?
QUAGMIRE
He has a tell. Every time he gets a
good hand, I get an erection. Alright.
(MORE)

11.
QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)

Let's play some poker. I'm really in a

gambling mood after winning that
tournament. I got $15 million on the
table. How much are you guys buying in
for?
Peter takes out a $100 bill.
PETER
20 bucks. You got change for a
hundred?
Close up on Peter's watch. It says 1:00.
Cut to it saying 2:00. All the money is next to Peter.
PETER (CONTD)
Wow. I've won a lot of money. There
must be at least... 20 bucks here.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. You've won 15 million 753
dollars and 28 cents. And my
supermarket club card.
CLEVELAND
And my moustache comb.
JOE
And my wife.
Peter is using the moustache comb on his teeth. BONNIE is
sitting next to him.
PETER
Mustache comb? I thought this was a
"black man's toothpick."

12.

JOE
Peter. Let's focus here. You just had
one of the winningest poker sessions
ever.
PETER
Well. You did OK, too. You won my
wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS
Peter. He didn't win me. I'm not a
poker chip.
PETER
Lois -- I think I'm a good enough
poker player to tell the difference
between a poker chip and a non poker
chip. After all, I just had one of the
winningest poker sessions ever.
LOIS
Because for most of the game, I sat
next to you and told you what to do,
and you won $15 million. And then you
bet me.
PETER
Honey -- you're forgetting one thing.
JOE
Hey. Don't call her honey. She's my
wife now -- remember?

13.

PETER
Oh. Right. (TO BONNIE) Honey -- you're
forgetting one thing.
BONNIE
Don't call me honey, Peter.
PETER
Joe -- your ex-wife is a real piece of
work.
END OF ACT ONE

14.

ACT TWO
INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY
A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
BLACK COMEDIAN
...Ain't no grapes or nuts in that
box. So why the hell is it called
Grape-Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.
STEWIE
(TO WAITRESS) Excuse me. Can you get
me a scotch and orange juice, shaken,
not stirred, in a sippy cup that's
yellow, not orange?
She walks away.
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) And let me just say
this. Cab drivers got some crazy ass
names. The other day I was in a cab,
and the driver's name was (IN ARABIC
ACCENT) "eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE
Ha ha ha! Yes! Because cab drivers are
foreigners!
The Waitress serves Stewie a sippy cup.

15.

BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) And let me just say
this. White people drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow sippy cup.
STEWIE
(TO BRIAN) That's true. I'm drinking
juice right now.
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) But black people -- we
don't be drinking no juice.
Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what he
wrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DON'T drink
juice."
BRIAN
You're taking notes?
STEWIE
Stand up comedy is my passion, Brian!
BLACK COMEDIAN
(TO AUDIENCE) 'Cause if you're black,
you don't drink juice. But if your
skin is white, your refrigerator got
so much juice, it looks like a
motherfucking Tropicana factory.
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black people
have fundamentally different lifestyles -- especially when it
comes to juice."
BLACK COMEDIAN (CONTD)
Like, I mean, black people hate Donald
Trump, and they drink Kool-Aid.
(MORE)

16.
BLACK COMEDIAN (CONTD)

But white people -- white people are

all like, (OVER-THE-TOP, STEREOTYPICAL
WHITE VOICE) "Honey -- can you pour me
a glass of juice? Barack Obama is a
black son of a bitch."
Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Barack
Obama is a black son of a bitch."
BRIAN
(TO STEWIE) Can we go now?
STEWIE
Brian -- don't interrupt me while I'm
working.
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating beans out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG
Mom -- why is dad wearing a tuxedo and
eating Beefaroni?
LOIS
Well, honey. It's because we're
millionaires.
PETER
Yeah. When I was a hundredaire, I wore
shirts and ate out food out of a box.
But now that I'm a millionaire, I wear
tuxedos and eat food out of a can.
CHRIS enters from the kitchen and looks at Peter.

17.

CHRIS
Whoa! Are we millionaires?!
MEG
You could tell that just by seeing dad
eat Beefaroni in a tuxedo?
CHRIS
Yeah. And also, our kitchen is filled
with stacks of hundred dollar bills.
MEG
Wow! (TO LOIS AND PETER) Are we gonna
buy a Bentley and move to Beverly
Hills?
LOIS
Well. I mean, now that we're
millionaires, the first thing I want
to do... is gamble.
PETER
Yeah. Me, too.
MEG
You two sound like gambling addicts.
LOIS
Don't be ridiculous, honey. It's just,
when you win a lot of money, you want
to win even more money.

18.

PETER
Let's go, Lois. If we leave now, we
can get to the casino before it
closes.
MEG
Are you crazy? Why would you gamble?
We already have more money than we'll
ever need.
PETER
Meg. You don't understand how this
stuff works. Me and your mom are
what's known as professional gamblers.
That means we have to gamble for at
least ten hours a day, in order to
make a living and put food on the
table.
The doorbell rings. Lois opens it to reveal a traditionally
dressed JAPANESE MESSENGER.
JAPANESE MESSENGER
Hello. I am a traditional Japanese
messenger, sent here by Mayor West.
LOIS
Mayor West isn't Japanese.

19.

JAPANESE MESSENGER
Yes. But he is a lunatic. And he found
out that you won $15 million today
from Quagmire san -- so he sent me
here to invite you to a private poker
game in his hotel room at the Quahog
Hotel, Casino, and Ostrich Farm.
PETER
Tell Mayor West san that we accept his
invitation, and we'll be there with
our $15 million.
MEG
Are you crazy?! Mom -- tell dad not to
gamble with all $15 million.
LOIS
Meg, honey. You just don't understand
how all this Japanese messenger
gambling stuff works. It would be
dishonorable for us to show up with
less than $15 million.
CHRIS
(TO MEG) Exactly, Meg. You idiot.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Brian and Stewie are walking.
STEWIE
Alright. My career plan is moving
along nicely.

20.

BRIAN
Career plan?
STEWIE
Step one: attend a stand up comedy
show. Step two: perform stand up
comedy at a local venue. Step three:
perform stand up comedy on national
television.
BRIAN
I think you left out a few hundred
steps.
STEWIE
Do you think I should use my real
voice on stage? Maybe I should act
like a Puerto Rican guy, or a redneck.
BRIAN
You're gonna be a redneck comedian?
STEWIE
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) You better
believe it, buddy. I drive a pick up
truck, and I have sex with my cousin.
He takes some tobacco out of his pocket, chews it, and spits.
He then spits out the tobacco.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Ugh. Forget the redneck idea. You know
what? I'll be a Cuban guy -- like that
Tony Montana character the cool kids
are so fond of.
(MORE)

21.
STEWIE (CONTD)

(IN CUBAN ACCENT) I'm Stewie Montana.

Listen, man. What's the deal with
Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Lois, and Peter
rolling two shipping carts full of hundred dollar bills.
Mayor West is standing behind the Security Guard.
MAYOR WEST
Peter. Lois. Come on in. Let me
introduce you to the guys. The highest
stakes celebrity poker players in the
world.
The camera changes angles to reveal everyone seated at the
table.
MAYOR WEST (CONTD)
Matt Damon, Spongebob, and Daryl Hall
of the musical group Hall & Oates.
PETER
(TO DARYL HALL) Where's Oates?
DARYL HALL
How the hell should I know? We're not
lovers or anything. I'm straight. You
hear me? Straight! ... So, uh -- do
you want to hang out at my place
later? I have a hot tub.
PETER
Well. I'll have to bring my wife with
me.

22.

DARYL HALL
Oh. Well then, forget it.
MAYOR WEST
(TO PETER AND LOIS) Alright, Peter and
Lois. Let's see how good you really
are.
Close up on Spongebob's watch. It says 3:00. Cut to it saying
3:30.
Peter and Lois are involved in a hand with Spongebob. Many
bricks of hundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked
up very high.
PETER
(TO SPONGEBOB, IN A SERIOUS TONE) Go
Fish.
LOIS
Peter. There's no Go Fish in poker.
PETER
Well. In that case....
Peter pushes a high tower of hundred dollar bill bricks
forwards.
PETER (CONTD)
(TO SPONGEBOB) I bet $4 million.
SPONGEBOB
I raise.
He pushes three high towers of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
SPONGEBOB (CONTD)
$12 million, you fat son of a bitch.
PETER
I raise.

23.

Peter puts Lois on the table. He pushes her and many stacks
of bills forward.
PETER (CONTD)
$30 million and my ex-wife Lois.
LOIS
Damn it, Peter! Stop betting me!
PETER
(TO SPONGEBOB) What's it gonna be,
Spongebob?
SPONGEBOB
... I fold.
He throws his cards into the muck.
Close up on Spongebob's watch. It says 3:30. Cut to it saying
4:00.
The board is Jh, Js, 3h, 4h, 5d. Peter & Lois are in a hand
with Matt Damon, and there's already a lot of money in the
pot.
MATT DAMON
OK, Peter and Lois. You want to play
high stakes poker? Here you go.
He pushes four stacks forward, each of which is high enough
to reach the ceiling.
MATT DAMON (CONTD)
I raise to $100 million. I'm Matt
Damon. I'm a fantastic actor.
PETER
Go Fish.
LOIS
(TO MATT DAMON) What he means is, we
call.

24.

Mayor West and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, and
Jc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.
Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peter,
Lois, and Matt Damon.
PETER
What the hell just happened?
MAYOR WEST
You both have Jacks full of fives.
PETER
What does that mean?
DARYL HALL
That means you have to fight to the
death.
LOIS
Why?
SPONGEBOB
Them's poker rules.
PETER
What?!
SPONGEBOB
Hey. We don't make the rules here,
buddy. If them's poker rules, them's
poker rules.
DARYL HALL
Yeah. The last time this happened,
Matt Damon fought and killed Ben
Affleck.
LOIS
But Ben Affleck is still alive.

25.

MAYOR WEST
No he isn't. He was replaced by a
lookalike named Ed Smith.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK SCENE)
ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,
and talking to a MAITRE' D.
ED SMITH
Reservation for Ed Smith -- I mean,
um, Ben Alfalfa.
JENNIFER GARNER
Ben Affleck. Your name is Ben Affleck.
ED SMITH
Whatever. When are we gonna have sex
again, Jessica Garvey?
JENNIFER GARNER
I'm Jennifer Garner. That's the 973rd
time you've gotten my name wrong. I
want a divorce.
INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES. Brian is
standing in the back of the room.
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
breakfast cereal?
BABY
It tastes good.

26.

STEWIE
Yes. That's true. But, um, I know
someone named Brian, and he mixes
regular Cheerios with Honey Nut
Cheerios. What kind of a lunatic feels
the need to dilute the Honey Nut-ness
of Honey Nut Cheerios?
The Babies laugh.
STEWIE (CONTD)
(IMITATING BRIAN) "I'm Brian, and I
can't handle a standard level of Honey
Nut-ness! Because I'm a douchebag!
That's why every morning, I mix two
different varieties of Cheerios, like
a douchebag!" Just pick one, Brian!
Either have Cheerios, or have Honey
Nut Cheerios.
BABY
Exactly, Brian.
BRIAN
I just want a breakfast with a
moderate amount of sugar and fat.
STEWIE
Then go get a box of Cinnamon Toast
Crunch! (TO AUDIENCE) Speaking of
breakfast,
(MORE)

27.
STEWIE (CONT'D)

how come eggs turn toast into French

toast? Does that work with other
stuff? I mean, do eggs turn Hillary
Clinton's vagina into Hillary
Clinton's French vagina? And what
about this President Trump guy? He's a
douchebag.
BABY 2
Political humor. I love it.
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
juice? Black people don't drink it
that often.
EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care center.
STEWIE
Alright. That was a good set.
BRIAN
You freaking ripped off Jerry Seinfeld
and that other comedian.
STEWIE
What are you talking about? Seinfeld
is Jewish, and that other guy is
black. I'm neither of those things.
Plus, my jokes are way different.

28.

BRIAN
How are they different? Because now
the French vagina is Hillary
Clinton's?
STEWIE
Yes. Anyways, we got to get going. I
booked another gig. By the way -- what
do you think sounds funnier?
Grapefruit juice or mango juice?
Listen, Brian. Grapefruit juice. Mango
juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.
END OF ACT TWO

29.

ACT THREE
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.
The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter and
Lois.
PETER
Hey, Quagmire. We just dropped by to
return this pepper shaker I stole from
you.
QUAGMIRE
You stole it?
PETER
Yeah. Right after you said that
Rutherford B. Hayes was a mediocre
president. Which is ridiculous!
Rutherford B. Hayes was a slightly
better than average president!
Slightly better than average!
QUAGMIRE
Fine. OK. I know how sensitive you get
when it comes to politicians that you
know absolutely nothing about.
PETER
Yeah. Well. Just make sure you don't
say nothing bad about Dennis Kucinich.
After all, I don't know anything about
him.

30.

QUAGMIRE
Alright. Do you guys want to come in?
PETER
Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND
So. What happened at Mayor West's
room? Word on the street is you played
in a high stakes game.
LOIS
Word on the street?
CLEVELAND
Yeah. You know. Like, that's the news
I heard from people.
LOIS
What people?
CLEVELAND
Well. Joe and Quagmire.
PETER
Let me tell you something, Cleveland.
If a black pimp named Huggy Bear says
something, then that qualifies as the
word on the street. As for two
hooligans known as Joe and Quagmire,
they ain't the word on the street.
They're the word on the non-street.

31.

CLEVELAND
Whatever! So, what happened in Mayor
West's room?
PETER
We played Super Nintendo.
LOIS
Also, me and Peter turned our $15
million into $150 million. And then
there was a $300 million pot were we
had Jacks full of fives, and Matt
Damon also had jacks full of fives.
So, uh, Peter killed Matt Damon.
PETER
(TO JOE) You're not gonna arrest me,
are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, Jacks full of
five. You had to kill him.
CLEVELAND
Yeah. Them's poker rules.
QUAGMIRE
(TO PETER AND LOIS) So you won $300
million?
PETER
Even better. We took the money to the
casino, and bet it all on red 36.

32.

JOE
Do you mean to tell me you turned your
$300 million into...
He types on his iPhone.
JOE (CONTD)
...$10.5 billion?
PETER
No. We lost. But I had a really good
time watching that ball spin round and
round. Oh -- and then later, I watched
the Three Stooges, and Moe slapped
Larry. Ha ha ha ha! Let's watch the
Three Stooges.
Peter turns on the TV.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
My first guest just won the World
Series of Poker. Give it up for Glenn
Quagmire.
Quagmire walks onto the stage.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER
Wait a second. If that's the real
Quagmire...
Peter points a gun at Quagmire's head
PETER (CONTD)
...then you must be Quaid.

33.

QUAGMIRE
Peter -- I'm the real Quagmire.
PETER
Oh.
Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.
PETER (CONTD)
Then he's Quaid.
QUAGMIRE
We're both the real Quagmire. I was
there earlier today. The Tonight Show
is filmed five hours before it airs.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
So Glenn. You won the World Series of
Poker. That is so awesome!
QUAGMIRE
Yeah. It's pretty awesome.
JIMMY FALLON
And you're also a sex addict. That's
awesome!
QUAGMIRE
I guess so.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.

34.

JIMMY FALLON
My next two guests were both thought
to be dead -- but it turns out that
they're not. Give it up for Elvis
Presley and Tupac Shakur.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT
Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.
JIMMY FALLON
Welcome back to Jimmy Fallon Live -the show where I, Jimmy Fallon,
broadcast live, and go head to head
with The Tonight Show starring Jimmy
Fallon -- the show where I, Jimmy
Fallon broadcast on a five hour delay,
and go head to head with this show,
Jimmy Fallon Live. No matter which
show people watch, Jimmy Fallon wins!
OK. My next guest is one of the
greatest actors ever. Give it up for
Matt Damon.
An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon a
handshake and hug, and then sits down.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER
There's the replacement we found for
Matt Damon.

35.

QUAGMIRE
Peter -- that's an ostrich.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
Matt -- we're so happy to have you on
the show. This is so awesome. Matt
Damon!
OSTRICH
Eeeeaaah!
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS) I know. Did Ben Affleck tell
you to say that?
The Ostrich lays an egg.
JIMMY FALLON (CONTD)
You just laid an egg! That is so great
that you just laid an egg, Matt Damon.
(LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY
PETER
Is it just me, or does Matt Damon look
a lot thinner and whiter than he used
to?
JOE
That's the ostrich.

36.

PETER
Wait. If that's the ostrich... (TAKES
OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT LOIS) ...then
you must be Quaid!
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON
OK. My next guest is a really, really
funny comedian. Give it up for the
really, really funny, Stewie Griffin.
Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand up comedians
perform.
STEWIE
Mango juice.
The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his
desk) starts laughing hysterically.
JIMMY FALLON
I don't know what that baby said -but it sounded hilarious.
STEWIE
Have you ever been eating breakfast
and thought, "This is the most
important and confusing meal of the
day?"
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) He has a British
accent.

37.

STEWIE
I mean, sometimes you want grapes and
nuts -- and then you open a box that
says Grape-Nuts. And there are no
grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Or nuts.
The audience laughs much harder.
STEWIE (CONTD)
What's next? Are they gonna put
Hillary Clinton's vagina in a box, and
call it Strawberry Seeds?
The audience laughs again.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, and Lois are still watching
the show, along with BILL CLINTON, who's laughing hard and
standing next to BORIS YELTSIN.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
STEWIE
And what's with those douchebags who
mix regular Cheerios with Honey Nut
Cheerios? Here's my impersonation of
them. (IMITATES BRIAN) "I'm Brian
Griffin, and I can't handle the Honey
Nut concentration of Honey Nut
Cheerios.
(MORE)

38.
STEWIE (CONT'D)

So I dilute the Honey Nut-ness, by

adding regular Cheerios. I'm Brian
Griffin."
JIMMY FALLON
(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) Brian Griffin can't
handle the Honey Nut-ness!
STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with
lunch? I mean, you order a hamburger
and French fries -- and you get no
ham.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
And nothing French.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Vagina.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONTD)
Do black people even drink juice?
More laughter.
JIMMY FALLON
(TO CAMERA) OK. My next guest was the
star of the hit sitcom Seinfeld.
Ladies and gentleman, give it up for
Jerry Seinfeld.

39.

JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of

him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
JIMMY FALLON (CONTD)
Wow. You just beat the crap out of
him. (LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
JERRY SEINFELD
Let me just say this, Jimmy. Dinner is
a very important meal, and a very
confusing meal. I mean, how come when
you mix eggs with chicken, the dish
becomes Dutch chicken? What if you're
on a date, you both order Dutch
chicken, and then you split the bill?
Does that mean you're going dutch on
Dutch chicken? And what if your date
is a Dutch woman, and the two of you
split the bill on her vagina? Does
that mean you're going dutch on her
Dutch vagina? And why does her vagina
have a bill? Is she a Dutch
prostitute?
THE END