JessicaSchoenfeld

English100sect0853
10/5/14
Spaenglussian
IwasbornandraisedinaRussianMolokanChristianhomehereinSouthern
California.Molokansareareligiouscommunitythatstillspeaks,prays,andsingsinthe
traditionalRussianlanguageusedbytheirancestorswhomigratedherefromRussia.The
Russianlanguageandcustomswheremaintainedwithinthiscommunitynotjustin
church,butinprivatehomesaswell.Englishwasallowedinthehome,butnotinthe
church,Russiantraditionwasfirstandalwaysmaintained.IstillhearanduseRussian
wordsineverydaylifeeventhoughInolongeruseit.Itcomesbackveryeasilywhenit
comestothosethingsyouheardallotasachild,likedonttouchthatorgivemethat.
WhenIturnedsixmyfamilymovedtoUruguaytofollowmygrandfatherand
buildachurchforanewMolokancommunity.Welivedonafarminthemiddleof
nowhereandranadairyforaliving.Therewasoneschoollocatedinthelocaltownfor
allthefarmchildrentoattend.MybrotherandIwereboththrownintothe1stgrade
classroom,eventhoughwewereayearapart,notknowingawordofSpanish.We
eventuallypickeditupbutitwasdefinitelyastruggle,butbytheendofthefirstyearwe
haditdown.Icompleteduptothe4thgradeatthisschoolbeforemymotherbecameill.
InordertogetherbettertreatmentwemovedbacktotheUS.Atthistimewespoke
SpanishandRussianmostlyinthehome.

Whenwemovedback,Igottoseemygrandmotheronmydadssidemore.She
wasbornandraisedinaMolokancommunityinMexico.HerfirstlanguagewasRussian
andthenSpanish.LatershemovedtotheUSandlearnedEnglishaswell.Sheis
responsibleforwhatInowcallSpaenglussin(Spanish,RussianandEnglish).She
wouldcombineallthreelanguagesonadailybasis.Icanstillhearhernow,NeTrosh,
damethat!translatedDonttouch(Russian),giveme(Spanish)that!Mybrainstill
thinksinSpaenglussianandIhavetroubledefiningwhichlanguageIamremembering.
WhenwemovedfromUruguaywedidnothavemuch.Mydadalwaysworked
hardandkeptaroofoverourheadbutwewherepoorandlivedintoasmalltwobedroom
houseinPomona,California.Iwas10yearsoldatthistimeandattendedthe5thgradeat
WestmontElementaryinPomona.Thestudentbodywasadiversecommunitybutmostly
consistedofLatinos.EventhoughIhadatoughtimegettingalongwiththelocalsin
UruguayIstillexpectedtogetalongwiththeLatinosinPomona.Ithoughtforsure
whenIspokeSpanishtheywouldsurelybeamazedatmytalentandacceptmeintothere
crowd.MySpanishturnedouttobeanArgentineandialectwhichledtomebeing
ridiculedandlaughedat.IdidnotunderstandwhyatthistimeandItookitverypersonal.
Ithoughtitwouldbecooltohavelivedinanothercountryandspeakadifferent
language,butIwaswrong.Turnsoutchildrenseemtohateanythingdifferentorunusual
andIdefinitelyfitthatbill.
AtthispointmyEnglishlanguageneededtobecleanedupduetomytrilingual
backgroundanduntraditionaleducationthusfar.IstoppedspeakingSpanishatschool
andfocusedonmyEnglishgrammarinstead.Istruggledwithspellingandpenmanship.

IntheSpanishlanguageyouspellwordsthewaytheysoundandintheEnglishlanguage
youhavesilentlettersandspecialcombinationsoflettersthatmakespecialsoundslike
ph.Iworkedhardtogetmyspellingdownbutstillstrugglewithittothisday.
InUruguaytheytaughttowriteverytinytoconservepaperandintheUSitwas
quitetheopposite,theywroteusingbigfatletters.Mywritingwassosmallthatmy
teachercouldnotreadit.AsItriedtomodifymywritingIwouldbeginmypaperswitha
niceprintbutitwouldeventuallygetsmallerandsmallerthenbiggerandbiggerandthen
smalleragain.Itwaslikewavesontheocean.Luckilymyteacher,MrsRyan,wouldlet
mesitinduringrecesstimetodoextrareadingsandreports.Ievensignedupforsummer
schooltokeepbusyandreadasmuchasIcould.Thisnotonlyhelpedmewithmy
Englishbutalsogavemesomethingtodo.Inevermadeanygoodfriendsatthisschool.
TheLatinoswherenottheonlyoneswhodidnotletmeintotheregroup,there
wasthepopularwhitegirlKacyandthebullyblackgirlShawneesewhobothseemedto
takeeveryopportunitytomakemecry.ThereIwas,anawkwardlookingwhitegirlwho
alsospokeastrangedialectofSpanish.Justlikethestudentindiary114,Ididnothave
thecoolclothestofitin.Myparentsshoppedoutofthriftstoresandwewouldsewour
ownclothesforchurch.WhilereadingDiary3Ihadaflashbackofasimilarexperience.
IwassurroundedbyagangofpunksandthisgirlclaimedIgavehergirlfriendadirty
lookearlier.Shewantedmetokissherfeetorgetmyasskicked.Ichoseasskicking
becauseIcouldnotdemeanmyselflikethat.ItwasnotafairfightandIwasout
numberedbutIrefusedtobehumiliatedandtookthebeatingwithmypride.

Onedaymymomsplurgedandboughtmeabrandnew,neverbeenwornby
anyoneelse,purplesweatsuitoutfitfromKmart!Iwassoexcited!Shehadalso
purchasedmeapairofLAGearshoesandtubesockstomatch.MaybeIdidntlookcool
atschool,butmaybeIcouldlookcoolatchurchvolleyballpractice?Ishowupto
practicehopingforacceptanceandinsteadmyveryownfleshandbloodcousinsaysto
meinfrontofentiregirlsvolleyballteamWhyyouwearingpajamas?Thenproceedsto
laugh,ofcourse,asIwascompletelydevastated!Even22yearslaterstillfeelthepain
shecaused.Thinkingback,mostofthisperiodofmylifeIfeltlikeapunchingbag
boxersusetotrain.EventheRussianpeopleIknewwouldmakefunofme!ThereIwas
thisawkwardlookingwhitegirlwhocantspeakanylanguageproperly.
Weallstruggledtogetalongwithothersinschoolduetoourawkwardness.We
weredifferentanditshowed.Thelanguagebarrierdidnotgetinthewayofmystudies,
insteadtheisolationmademestudyharder.MaybetohardbecauseIbecamevery
attachedtogettingthebestgradesthatIcouldandbecametheteacherspet.Myparents
howeverdidnottrustthepublicschoolsystemanddecidedtohomeschoolthewhole
familyinstead.Mymotheralsohadbecomeveryillafterhavingmylittlesisterand
neededhelptakingcareofher.Sowewerepulledoutofthepublicschoolsystemand
keptathome,protectedfromtheworld.
Ididatonepointbecomeverydepressedduetotherejectionandlikethestudent
whomwrotejournal58inFreedomWritersDiaryIbecamesuicidal.Mymotherhas
alwaysstruggledwithundiagnoseddepressionoranxietyasdoesmostofherfamily.
Twoofherfivebrothershavecommittedsuicide,soIknowitrunsintheFamilyevenif

theydenyit.Unlikethisstudentsmothermyfamilydidnotbelieveinthediagnosisof
depressionitself,letalonegettingmedicated,sotheyallwentuntreatedjustlikeme.I
hadtimeswhereIfeltsoaloneandworthless.Iwasreadytojumpoffacliffonedayat
thebeachmyfamilyandchurchgroupcampedateverysummer.IwouldvejumpedbutI
wasnotsurethecliffwashighenoughsoIhesitated.Thenafriendlyfacecamearound
anddistractedme.InevergotthatcloseagaintoactuallytryingitbutIdidstrugglewith
thatdemoninmyheadforalongtime.
Spaenglussinhasbecomeamemoryformeandisnolongerreallyusedoutsideof
myhead.MygrandmotherhaspassedandIhaveleftthechurch.Ididnotmarrya
RussianmanandhavenotraisedmychildreninaRussianchurch;howeverIdofindI
usesomeofmygrandmothersspanglussianonmyownkidswhenitcomestothose
usualgrandmasayings,likegoodnight,goodbye,andmanyothers.IalsousemySpanish
inmylocalcommunitywhichispredominatelySpanishspeakingandstillmixupmy
SpanishwithRussian.TheyjustlaughandknowtocorrectmewhenIdoit.IamsureifI
wenttoeithercountryIwouldeventuallypickupeitherlanguagefairlyeasilybutwould
probablyendupusingSpaenglussinatsomepoint.Afterall,itspartofmyroots.