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Glossary
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chapter 1
What is Relationship
Rewind?
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hat makes
relationships
interesting is that
they are one of the
only forms of social bonds that
are often defined through verbal
confirmation. For example, to
differentiate from being friends/
acquaintances and show you
are something more; you define
yourself as in a relationship with
that other person. On the other
side of things, it is also one of
the only social bonds that have
an actual term to define the act
of ending that bond: Breaking
Up.
This is why managing a relationship
is much harder than managing
something like a friendship. When
things go wrong in a relationship,
one begins to evaluate their
status within the relationship and
breaking up is always an option in
the back of ones mind.
However, if you can learn to
understand the surprisingly simple
dynamics of a relationship, you
will be able to identify problems as
they arise, and the effect they are
actually having on your relationship.
Then, in turn, you can properly
manage those problems to put
everything back on the right track.
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In any breakup, there are two things you need to find out first. Once you
find out these two pieces of information, you plug them in, and follow the
steps.
Those
2 things are:
Finding out these two things is the first step to starting your Relationship
Rewind. It will give you a greater understanding of the true and current
dynamics of your relationship, and in turn will let you know where and
how to begin the Relationship Rewind.
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Step 1
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This is the biggest mistake people make. Would you ever let a
doctor prescribe you medicine without first knowing EXACTLY what
was wrong with you? Of course not! One medicine that can be life
saving to one persons condition can be fatal to another.
This line of thinking holds true in Relationship Rewind. All of the
information you need to determine your stage and Real Reason
for the decay is contained within the system. In order for you to get
results, you must do your part. Fortunately, all that is involved is
being completely honest with yourself, making observations of your
partners current behavior, and following directions.
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Feelings and emotions are strange things; they can be heightened one
minute, and be completely changed and turned sour within seconds.
Misunderstanding what stage you are in because you are too proud to
admit that there might be something wrong is only going to make things
worse, and you will push your partner further away. When identifying the
stage you are in, let your emotions guide you and understand that its
better to be out of Bliss for an extended period of time, than to simply
hold onto the idea of being in Bliss and never returning back to it.
Just know, if you were able to elicit those positive emotions and feelings
in your partner once, it can be done again.
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chapter 2
Of course, if your partner never really had feelings for you in the first
place, there is not much you can rewind to.
That is why its very important to understand that we can only rewind
with someone who is already more than just friends. That is a nice,
simple rule. If there was some initial attraction, then you already know
that you are in your partners league, otherwise he/she would not have
gotten physical with you at all.
One mistake many people make is doubting how their partner feels
about them, even when in a state of mutual Bliss. When someone finds
a great partner, instead of focusing on how great things are at that
moment, they worry that they are going to mess things up, or that their
partner is losing interest. This often happens if one considers the other
person out of their league. So remember, if someone is willing to get
physical with you, and especially if they spend time with you afterwards,
they are attracted to you. You have triggered that emotion inside them.
So when in a state of Bliss, enjoy that time. Do not think you need to
constantly be reversing your partners mind back to a specific state when
they are already in it. Dont worry, thanks to Relationship Rewind you will
know right away when things are falling out of Bliss.
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Relationship Rewind will help you identify when your partner no longer
feels the same level of attraction toward you. The accumulation of the
emotions we create in him or her, along with your partners state of
mind, is what their attraction is to you. If the state of mind changes,
it is the aim of Relationship Rewind to bring your partner back to that
same state of mind so that the attraction can be cultivated again, and
developed even more. We will cover all of this in Step 3 of the system.
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chapter 3
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That being said, I was unable to identify what I was doing wrong until I
had unintentionally brought some relationships all the way to Deaths
Door.
Once I identified the mistakes I was making, I learned not only how
to avoid those mistakes but also to fix them once they occurred. This
is what became the basis for Relationship Rewind. Know that even if
you cant recover from the damage done to the relationship, you can
learn to understand the mistakes and fix/avoid them in your future
relationships.
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chapter 4
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a. Bliss
If
y oure in Bliss, you know it. Yes, there can still be some
uncertainty in the early stages of Bliss, but its simply the
anxious excitement of wondering when you will hear from
your partner again.
-- If its a sexual relationship, sex happens frequently, and without
resistance. The sex is passionate and good. Good sex is not physical;
it is purely psychological. If you stimulate your partner and provide a
challenge to him or her in regular life, the sex will be better.
-- As a man, I can tell you that some of the best sex I ever had was with
women who werent the most attractive, and didnt have the hottest
bodies by societies standards. It was how much of a challenge they were
to me, combined with how much they supported my goals and reinforced
my GOAL Self Image (GSI). (More on this later, it is one of the KEYS to
every successful Rewind).
--Good morning and good night text messages or phone calls happen
frequently, and with a positive response. It doesnt matter who initiates
them, all that matters is that the other partner reciprocates them quickly
and with equal positivity.
--Things just seem easy. Maybe you were playing games with each
other at first until the point where you finally got physical. But after that,
mutual attraction was established and the concern of showing too much
affection or interest became irrelevant.
--Long, late night phone calls or calls just to talk and see how each
others days were.
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b.
Switch
witch is easy to notice
because you will see
a distinct change in
your partners behavior. You
will get the funny feeling
that something is different.
However your partner, or friend
youve recently been with, is still
willing to spend time with you,
and keep their plans with you.
A key indicator that you are in
Switch is the reduction of physical
intimacy. Your partner might turn
away when you try to kiss him/her,
or is no longer interested in sex.
The best way to think about
Switch is that it feels more like an
evaluation period. If your partner
is focusing on the positive points
of your relationship, they treat
you well. If they are more focused
on the negative, they may seem
moody or withdrawn.
Switch can happen after an
extended period of time when your
partner notices something lacking
from the relationship. This is where
identifying why your partner is
losing interest comes into play.
Switch often happens after a
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THE BREAKUP TALK can come in many forms. This is when your
partners evaluation period has ended and the Switch stage has come to
an END. If the breakup talk took place, then you are no longer in Switch
and have moved into Drift. Please understand that the transition from
Switch to Drift can happen even without a formal talk in a couple different
cases:
A
B
So if you are not 100% sure if your relationship has moved to Drift, just
ask yourself these 5 questions:
a. Is my partner very hard to reach, or get in touch with?
b. Has my partner complained about my behavior, or tried to make me
feel guilty about asking for his or her time?
c. Does my partner break plans with me in favor of doing other things?
d. Does my partner give me excuses about not hanging out?
e. Has my partner shown less interest in sex and/or physical affection?
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Switch Reinforcement:
>
c. Drift
hen your partner breaks up with you, or severely reduces the
time spent with you, you are in Drift. This happens so that
they can spend more time looking around for a new partner. They
have finished their evaluation period in Switch, and have decided
they are better off with someone else.
I understand that it is not easy to hear this, but the truth is, if your partner
is avoiding you, or prioritizing other things in front of you, he/she is
actively looking for someone to replace you. They are not too busy with
work or finding themselves.
Finding someone we are highly attracted to is always the #1 priority in
life. No matter what they tell you, they are NOT just too busy at work,
and NOT finding themselves. When in Bliss, and even sometimes in
Switch, they will make time to see you regardless of their agenda. In
Drift, you will find yourself being the only one making initial contact. Their
excuses for not meeting up are just things they say to avoid upsetting
you, even if they are untrue.
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In the Drift stage, your partner
has talked over the problems and
challenges in your relationship with
other people, most likely just friends
and family. If you are in Drift, it also
means your partners friends and
family have agreed with the doubt
and have given your partner the
green light to move on. That may
be a major factor in your partners
decision to move on.
When your partner goes from a
Switch to Drift, they often look for
justifications from people important
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d. Deaths
Door
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>
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chapter 5
If
t h ere was chemistry to begin with, then we know that you meet
your partners following basic requirements:
about, you have a similar sense of humor, and your interactions arent
boring. If Switch made you doubt yourself and hurt your self image,
your interactions might have become too one-sided. In other words, you
started relying too much on your partner to lead the relationship. This is
easily fixed (more on this later). The important thing to understand is that
the basic compatibility is there.
can change over time, but during that time, doing the right things
behaviorally should be able to produce an attraction that is MUCH
deeper than anything physical. Again, if your partner is in Switch, he/she
will start to place more emphasis on your physical imperfections, but that
does not mean they are really a problem. Rewind your partners mind
and it will no longer be important.
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3.
4.
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nowing your
partners basic
needs are already
met means that your
relationship decay is
being caused by one or
many of the following
factors:
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If
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Giving Pleasure is
Getting Pleasure.
This should be a belief you have in
both the physical elements of your
relationship and the emotional
ones. Making your partner feel
good should make you feel good,
and that is all the reciprocation
you need. Often relationships go
sour because a person will do
something nice for the other, with
an ulterior motive. Do not use the
things you do for your partner as
tools to get something in return.
Especially do not try to guilt trip
your partner into doing something
for you by listing all the things you
have done for them. It comes off
like you have been keeping tabs
and is very unattractive.
> Imbalance:
Imbalance in a relationship can
cause a Switch and a Drift in many
ways, but almost always roots
from one partner putting in more
effort than the other. For example,
one person should not constantly
be visiting the other at their place
every time you hang out; there
should be a relatively mutual
balance between who visits whom.
Balance can also be in regard
to what you do when you hang
out. You should show that you
make time for your partner when
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> Punishment/reward:
Do not let your partner constantly
get away with things that make
you unhappy. You need to be
confident enough to express
your opinions because it is far
more attractive than just being a
push over. Likewise when your
partner does things that make you
happy, you should reward those
behaviors. Positive reinforcement
when someone makes the effort
is always appreciated. Lack of
positive reinforcement can result
in a lack of effort. Rewarding
through physical affection is great
because regardless if you are
male or female, it frames sex as
an exciting thing that follows good
behavior. Despite what people
may think, men and women both
love sex the same. Men are just
more open about it. If sex follows
behaviors that you like, you will
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It
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Although this may make your partner question their trust in you, it sparks
jealousy and frustration, merely based on the fact that they feel they are
losing you. This obviously changes in degree, depending on the length
of the relationship or if it is defined in the first place.
Suggested stance to take when problem is brought up:
Many people will accuse their partners of flirting with others in the early
stages of the relationship, often before it is officially defined, because
it tests the level of commitment. If you find yourself in this situation, try
to point out to your partner that if flirting is such a big deal, then clearly
what is happening between you two has turned into something more
than just having fun together. It needs to be defined as something
more. Help him/her understand that you are a social person and did not
realize it was creating an uncomfortable situation for your partner. It is
better to stand firm on the fact that you were not doing anything wrong,
but were simply misreading how your actions were hurting your partner.
If you apologize, it is like admitting you were doing something bad and
were aware of it. Instead, encourage your partner to open up to help you
understand why it is such a big deal to them. He or she will realize it is
because of their strong feelings for you. At which point you can re-affirm
that those feelings are mutual and then define the relationship.
This can be discouraging to your partner, because the reason they are
upset about it is because they want to know more about you. They are
genuinely interested in you and feels if you do not open up, you are not
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your other priorities on track because you felt a personal obligation to.
You didnt notice it was causing problems with your partner because
even though your time was being put into your work, your mind was
still focused on your partner. So now you have started to realize that
although your work/school/whatever takes an important chunk of your
time, your time spent with your partner has shown to be more important
to you, which is rare, but exciting for you. So the only reason you let
yourself get overly involved in other things was because you were not
used to a person in your life becoming equally, if not more important to
you, and did not know how to manage it. But you are now happy that it
has finally happened and know where your true priorities lie.
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you that screwed up and that they were the victimmaking it easier to
grow indifferent to you. It is actually better to leave the argument angry,
with no winner, and come back after things have settled down. Always
show a willingness to walk away when an agreement cant be reached.
Be the person who storms out. Creating distance is always better than
chasing; it makes growing indifferent impossible.
Any of the things listed can definitely cause a Switch and throw your
partner out of Bliss, but it is how YOU REACT to his/her Switch that
determines if you go back to Bliss. Or it will cause your partner to Drift.
First off, when your partner believes that YOU screwed up, its easier to
leave. Remember, apologizing off the bat reinforces that it is you who
screwed up.
When your partner can walk away ON HIS OR HER OWN FREE WILL,
its easier to leave. So do not give them the satisfaction of thinking you
are the only person at fault.
If your partner leaves, they expect that you will chase. CHASING
REINFORCES THE DECISION TO LEAVE. In fact, if you chase, it helps
them Drift, and leaving becomes a lot easier. It gives them the emotional
support they need to feel attractive enough to meet other people.
If you are in Shift, knowing how to implement Step 2 and 3 is very
important in your Relationship Rewind. But to make sure theyre
done properly, you need to avoid chasing at all costs. This means not
going out of your way to make contact, apologize, or change their mind
about leaving.
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Partners cannot leave on their own; they can only be chased away. In
order to leave, one must be chased. When chasing does not occur, you
are passing the evaluation period that the partner creates and allows for
a sensible resolution of the problem. The idea of leaving you becomes
much harder, and trying to sort things out seems like a much more
sensible option when you refuse to chase.
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chapter 6
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E.F.L.L.
(Emotion First, Love Later)
The mistake many people make
is to try to get their partner back
into a state of bliss or love the
wrong way. They do things they
think will automatically restore
the relationship from a state of
indifference. Truth is, you need
to spark passion before bliss and
love can reoccur. One of the best
ways to do this is establishing a
False Friendship, meaning you
show an interest in a friendship
over a relationship to allow
emotions to resurface and then
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chapter 7
To
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he best mindset to
continue with Relationship
Rewind is that it is not
you or even your actions
during the relationship that caused
the decay; but rather it was simply
mishandling the situations that
caused a change from Bliss to
Switch and from Drift to Deaths
Door. Accept that you may have
put much more energy into the
relationship than your partner,
and in order to regain balance,
you need to remove some of
that extra attention you have
given them in the past. The good
news is they probably took this
attention for granted, so whatever
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GLOSSARY
Artificial Acceptance (AA) Communicating to your partner that you are
OK with the break up, in order to show a Willingness to Walk Away (WTWA).
The WTWA will immediately make them second-guess the breakup and
makes you more attractive to them.
Blame Game - Describes the dynamic of indirectly making your partner
feel responsible for the breakup. When a person truly feels as if they are
responsible for a failing relationship, they feel a natural urge to make
amends. IMPORTANT: You should never verbally tell them its their fault for
things going wrong. If you truly believed it was their fault, you would naturally
display a high WTWA (Willingness to Walk Away), and go out of your way to
verbally reassure them that its NOT their fault.
The classic example of this is when your partner says, Its not you, its me.
When your partner says this, they are trying to make you feel OK about the
breakup so that you dont get too upset about it. They are being the bigger
person, so to speak. Naturally, you feel as though you did something to turn
them off, and are pulled back into the relationship to figure out what went
wrong, and then fix it.
Bliss - Stage one in the Relationship Breakdown. Bliss describes 100%
happiness with a person, where you will overlook ALL signs pointing
otherwise. You are blind to their faults, and work to overcome any apparent
obstacles in the relationship. The Bliss stage contains an abundance of both
Bliss moments, and bonding experiences, both defined below.
Bliss Moment - A moment where you share pure happiness and are 100%
content with your partner. It is the state where nothing else in the universe
seems to matter, because you have that person. Bliss moments lead to
bonding, but not all bonding experiences are blissful. To the contrary, many
bonding experiences contain high levels of stress, fear or uncertainty.
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