Because of Lucy

By Lisa Swallow

Because of Lucy
Copyright 2013 by Lisa Swallow. All rights reserved.
First Print Edition: September 2013

Limitless Publishing, LLC

Kailua, HI 96734
www.limitlesspublishing.com
Cover: Eden Crane Designs
Formatting: Limitless Publishing
ISBN-13: 978-1492223184
ISBN-10: 1492223182
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form
without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in
violation of the authors rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the
authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business
establishments, or actual personsliving or deadis entirely coincidental.

Dedication

This one is for you, Bec.

Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29

Chapter 1

Autumn
NESS
Theres a stranger lying in my bed. The streetlight casts an orange glow through the open curtains
and across the tell-tale mound. Im standing in the doorway, and underneath my brand new and
expensive bedding is a snoring figure. A male, judging by the size, and by the decibels. When I left
for work this evening, the bed was definitely vacant.
I drop my bag on the carpeted floor and swear loudly. He doesnt hear. Im not surprised, the noise
of voices and music downstairs would drown out the sound of me murdering this moron. I suppose I
should be thankful theres not a couple using my bed.
Slamming the door behind me, I head for the stairs. The tatty furniture of the lounge room is
covered with people. Littered is the term Id use looking at the state of them. Half a dozen inebriated,
scruffy students draped over the brown sofa or propped against each other on the threadbare carpet. A
couple gaze at me absently. My housemate, Abby squints and pulls herself unsteadily to her feet. She
staggers towards me, wine sloshing onto the dirty floor.
Ness! she cries, trying to hug me.
I step back, tensing. Yeah, I came home. About five minutes ago.
She blinks. Did you?
Her long brown hair escaped the straightening tongs this evening and sticks up on one side. Abbys
smeared lipstick, and her boyfriend Matt nearby, indicates why she didnt notice me coming home.
Who is in my bed? I shout, above the music.
Abby gives me a look. One Ive learned to identify over the years. Shes beyond any chance of
reasonable conversation. Then she frowns. No idea.
Abby! Ive been working all night. I want to go to bed and theres one of your guests occupying
it.
Abby giggles.
Not funny! I yell, you cant do this every night, we talked about this. Weekends only. Please.
We agreed to share a house; her as a student, me working full-time. What a huge mistake.
Its not my fault she burbles.
What? You mean we were invaded? They just let themselves in?
The people in the room are becoming familiar, the same set of friends arranged in their favorite
places around the room. Drinking wine and smoking pot. Oh, so serious, discussing politics and

listening to Lou Reed. So hip, so retro. So clichd.

No, but She puts a hand over her mouth, making a noise somewhere between a hiccup and a
burp. No, but shes the only first year student who lives in her own house. When the pubs and clubs
shut, they cant fit everyone into one of their dorm rooms. So I have the pleasure of their company
most nights. I want to shout at her, tell her how selfish shes being but theres no point. Her goldfish
memory is worse when shes drunk. She wont remember a thing I say.
So where do I sleep? I ask, hands on hips like a petulant child. As if Im going to get any sleep
in party central anyway.
Again she looks at me blankly. Such a fantastic combination - alcohol and pot. Shell be spewing
in the sink next.
Abby!
I pick my way through the bohemian bodies on the floor and into the kitchen. Empty bottles and
dinner plates vie for a place on the cluttered metal draining board. Theres two glasses left in the
white cupboards and I fill one with water.
I agreed to this, why? Join student Abby in Leeds when Id rejected a place at the university
myself. Rubbing my parents face in it while I lowered myself into the life of a call center drone.
Pride of the family, Vanessa, was always going to be a doctor, like Daddy. Until I said screw that.
Im not their precious Vanessa who they can mold into what they decide. Im Ness and Im doing
what I want with my life.
And now, as I regard the state of the so-called elite, studying class around me, Im glad Im not
one of them.
Scuse me.
I side step the sink and turn. A guy leans against the doorframe, trying to appear nonchalant but his
slackened stance indicates hes attempting to keep himself upright. His brown hair is longer at the
front and spills into his face, and unfocused brown eyes appear to be looking in my direction. Hes
one of the regulars. I dont pay a lot of attention, but hes a good-looking guy and they never go
unnoticed.
Yes? I snap. Im so not in the mood.
His eyes sweep my figure. Unbelievable... I straighten my sleeves and look at him with an
eyebrow raised.
Are you Abbys housemate?
Who are you?
Evan. He rubs his nose. Youre not a student?
Correct, I am the one not lying in a drunken haze on the floor contemplating my navel.
Evan takes a step forward, steadying himself with one hand as my witty repartee sails over his
head. Why?
Why am I not on the floor pissed?
Why arent you a student?
Because I work instead.
Hmm. He pauses and grasps onto the sink, searching for a glass. I pass him the spare one. Did
you fail?
Fail what?
Evan fills the glass. Or are you just not smart enough for uni? What is it you do? He gulps the
water in three mouthfuls then wipes his mouth with his hand.
Arrogant wanker.

Thats right, Im not smart enough. Im living with Abby until I can find a nice man to marry then I
can have 2.4 kids and a house in the suburbs. Because, as Im not a student, I have no future.
Evan leans against the sink. Fair enough.
Oh my god he believes me. How pissed is he exactly? So, you think anyone who doesnt go to
university is inferior to you? I demand.
Ive seen her friends looking down their noses at me. Inverted snobbery. On top of that, the locals
hate students and the students hate locals. Im neither. I cant win.
Were close now and he stinks of alcohol and pot, a faint hint of deodorant lingering on his
clothes. Evans T-shirt has come untucked and rides up as he leans against the sink. Hes toned,
evidently works out. I cant help myself, I check him out. Beneath his curls he has deep brown eyes.
Incoherent eyes. I hate to admit, but something about him is seriously sexy.
Even if he is a dick.
Well, if youll excuse me, I say.
He sniggers.
Whats funny?
You sound like the Queen.
Not this again. I get enough crap at work. I move from Cheltenham to Yorkshire and suddenly Im
stuck up home counties girl.
I dont dignify his comment with an answer and turn away from him, and walk out of the kitchen.
Want me to get the guy out of your bed? he calls after me.
I stop and look round. You know him?
I could replace him.
My mouth drops open at his arrogance. An attempt at a flirtatious smile plays around his lips but
the unfocused eyes kill the effect hes trying to achieve. Hes serious. I imagine he has a ready supply
of eager girls. No surprise with a body and looks like his, such a shame he needs a personality
transplant.
I step towards him. Evan. I am not pissed. Nor are you getting into my bed. Good night.
Feeling happy with my retort, I saunter towards the stairs. Behind me, Evan impersonates my
sentence with an exaggerated posh accent.
Its a good thing that Im sober otherwise Id go back there and punch him.

Chapter 2

EVAN
Light assaults my face, forcing me awake. Theres a god-awful taste in my mouth. I squint. Why do
student houses never have curtains that work? Too short or too narrow. These are both. The sun
floods though the three centimeter gap between the thin pink material pulled across the bay window.
I unfold my limbs from the confines of the small sofa and stretch my stiff neck. Someone bangs
around in the kitchen, plates rattle onto the draining board and a radio plays loudly. Whoevers in
there intends to wake the whole house up. I grope around for my phone and slide the screen. Eleven
am. What time did I go to sleep? Pass out. Whatever.
Im the only person from last night whos left in the room. Cans and bottles litter the floor, ashtrays
overflow and a couple of open pizza boxes reveal congealed cheese and grease. Gross. Good job
Ive got a strong constitution because I feel like crap.
The door bangs and I wince. A draught of cool air passes me and a girl sits in the blue cushioned
seat by the bay window, and tucks her legs beneath her. Without a word, she eats her toast and drinks
from a mug.
Hey, I say and smile.
She turns her unimpressed green eyes to me. Something is vaguely familiar. For a make-up free
girl who recently got out of bed, shes pretty hot. Well, pretty. Her silky brown hair frames her face
and theres a natural rosiness to her pale cheeks. Shes dressed in shapeless clothes - yoga pants and
a sweatshirt, huge socks covering her feet. Only her delicate hands are visible. For once, Im lost for
what to say. Mostly because of the death stare shes giving me.
You live here, then? I ask, pushing hair out of my face.
We established that last night.
Oh?
Oh. She jams in another mouthful of toast.
I dont remember. Its true . Crap . I hope I didnt try and hit on her. No, if I had shed probably
be in bed with me. And Id be naked. I touch my chest, confirming Im still dressed.
I remember all too clearly. Are you going soon? Or do I have to politely tell you to piss off? she
continues.
Wow. Rude. I mustve hit on her. Or said no. Dont think I wouldve said no.
Whoa, okay, babe.
The toast drops to her plate and she chokes. Babe?
Im only trying to make conversation, youre being shitty for no reason.

Apart from you insulting me last night, no reason. She drains the contents of her mug and stands.
I have to get ready for work.
Work. A memory filters into my brain. Youre Abbys housemate?
No, Im the Queen.
The cool blast of air follows her back into the kitchen. She does sound a bit like the Queen but its
an odd thing to say. I rub my sore neck, stretching out my shoulders. She passes me again. This time
she stomps up the stairs and I watch her small frame disappear around the corner.
I wish I could remember how I insulted her. Normally I wouldnt insult a chick to her face, and
then usually just the dodgy looking ones trying to come on to me. Nothing about her wouldve put me
off. Apart from the attitude.
****
Im in the kitchen drinking my third glass of water when the front door slams. I push the net curtain
in the window to one side and peer out. Grey skies and rain. Again. Cars line the narrow street and
people hurry along the cracked pavements to the bus stop at the end of the road. If I crane my head far
enough I can see the local shop I trip into every evening, to pick up beer and snacks.
Abbys housemate fumbles with the key in her small blue car. Shes dressed in a knee length grey
skirt with black stockings and sensible shoes. Her matching jacket pulls in at the waist and
accentuates her hips. I wonder if they really are stockings and my imagination disappears on its own
tangent. When she leans into the back seat to deposit her bag, her skirt rides up. Nope. Not stockings.
Nice backside though.
Probably best I dont keep looking at her rear, I might be hungover but my body responds. I adjust
myself and turn away from the window. How depressing, having to go to work. Here I am, no lectures
until this afternoon. Most afternoons. My days are awesome - wake up, gym, uni, pub or party and
maybe a girl. Rinse and repeat. Freedom. The cool water soothes my throat as I swill down the rest.
Yep, life is awesome. God knows I deserve a life.
The front door slams, shaking the windows, and footsteps stomp up the stairs. A muffled
conversation above me ends in another door slamming and the footsteps returning down.
Ill get the bloody bus then!
The girls voice. I peer back out of the window and her car is still there.
Sorry! I know, I shouldve got petrol! Abbys voice carries downstairs.
I havent got time to drive in the opposite direction to get petrol now!
I duck my head out of the kitchen. Whats up?
The girl glances up from where shes rummaging in her bag, gives me that death stare and empties
the contents on the table. Most chicks I know have bags full of make-up and girly crap. Not her. A
purse, tissues and pens.
Everything okay? I ask.
No. My car has no petrol and Im going to be late for work. And now I cant find my Metrocard.
Her brown hair swings across her face and she pushes a strand away, cheeks reddening and
eyebrows knitted together. Normally when Im around angry chicks, Im the reason and its stressful.
So I usually switch off. The glistening of her eyes warn of impending tears. Chicks often do that
around me too and Ill do anything to avoid them.
Where do you work?
At the call center in Beeston. And they get really shitty if Im late for shifts. This was such a

stupid idea Shes talking to the items shes pushing back into her bag, wont look up at me.
The rain slams against the window. Guess its not drizzling anymore. Her head snaps up and when
she sees the weather she throws her bag down and scrubs at her eyes with the edge of her jacket.
Oh jeez, dont cry. Ill take you.
Finally she turns her reddening brown eyes to me. Take me?
To work. I drove here last night. What I really want to do is go home and get ready for the gym
but Im just too sucked in by tearful girls.
No, its okay.
Id like to help, I say and root around on the floor for my shoes.
****
NESS
I hadnt expected chivalry from him. Rescuing a damsel in distress and taking her to work. I snort
softly, unimpressed at my decision to let him drive me. Weighing things up, I had a choice between
getting drenched at a bus stop plus an hour long journey or thirty minutes in the car with him. The
stress of work dramas if Im late versus having to make conversation with a Neanderthal. The
Neanderthal won.
He leans into the door and picks a pile of papers and empty fast-food wrappers off the seat,
tossing them into the back. Quite a collection hes got going. Evan steps back, accidentally brushing
his chest with mine as he turns around. Instantly I flush, the hard warmth of the muscles beneath his Tshirt sends a shock through me. Its a while since I came into contact with a guy. I tell myself thats
the only reason I react like this. He grins and his eyes light up.
Get in, youre getting soaked, he says.
I slide onto the threadbare seat and put my bag on my knees, kicking empty water bottles in the foot
well out of the way.
Not as nice as yours, huh? he asks.
Was it so obvious that I wondered how this car managed to get to the end of the street, never mind
half way across the city. I wish mine was older, my year old blue Hyundai stands out too much
amongst the beaten up cars in the street. Im waiting for someone to steal it. Someone apart from my
housemate.
Thanks for this, I mumble.
No problem. I feel like I have to make up for something. But Im not sure what.
His brow furrows as he says this, and as he maneuvers the steering wheel, the tendons in his
forearms move, glistening from the rain. I blink away an image of me touching the dark hair on his
arms. Some guys just exude sexuality, engulfing you when youre around them. Even when you dont
like them. Exactly like him, and its frustrating.
I cant remember your name, he says and side glances me, biting his lip coyly. Is he trying to
come onto me?
Vanessa.
He nods and leans over to switch on the radio. The Killers blasts into the car, filling the less than
comfortable space between us. I couldve told him Ness, but Im not Ness to him.
How come you know Abby? he asks.

We went to school together our whole lives.

Youre very different.
I fiddle with the air-vent in front of me, wanting warm air on my wet arms. Yeah, different
families.
Different parts of town. My parents tried to ban me seeing her when we hit fourteen, decided she
was the proverbial bad friend leading me down the wrong path. Little did they know I was the one
stealing alcohol from their overflowing drinks cabinet. Escaping from the constant pressure to be the
best I could be. Parents on my back the whole time, nagging me about study, achieving. And be like
them? Working so much they never saw their children.
Couldnt stand to be apart, eh? he said, I have a friend like that. Hard to let go of everything
from home. Especially when youve moved so far?
Not really.
The car stands at a red light and I delve into my bag and check the time on my phone. I should be
okay, now I dont need to take the bus. Evan taps his fingers on the steering wheel.
Not much of a conversationalist, he says.
I inhale. His scent fills the car, his dampened T-shirt releasing the fragrance of his deodorant. The
sickly smell of pot and stale beer detracts from the appeal.
Im tired, I reply.
Yeah? A stray damp curl falls into his eye as he turns his face to me. His expression is blank.
Something to do with having a late shift and then someone being in my bed all night.
Really? His tone changes and his eyes sparkle, Someone keep you awake all night?
Ohmygod, he thinks No! I say a little too hastily and he smirks. You dont remember, do
you?
Evans eyes widen, and his brow dips in confusion. He scrutinizes my face in a way that pools
heat deep inside my stomach. Shit. Sorry No, I dont remember. Look, I didnt mean to
Oh my god! No! Not you Not anyone! What I meant was you dont remember talking to me. Not
that we
Evan exhales. Thank god for that, I thought Id done it again.
Done what?
Sometimes I forget. The traffic moves on again.
Forget? But I know what he means.
Evan inhales deeply. Things I do. Sleeping with people. When Im off my face, like I was last
night. I cant help it sometimes.
That is offensive. Really bloody disgusting. I look out at the passing cars.
The rest of the journey passes in silence. I lean my head on the cool window pane and listen to the
tires splashing through puddles, the loud hum of his engine. What annoys me the most is he doesnt
apologize for his misogynistic behavior. What surprises me even more is why his words bothers me.
So many of the guys Ive come across from university behave the same, because they can. He
probably only offered me a lift so he could line me up as his next conquest.
My irritation turns to anxiety as we approach the industrial center. He pulls up outside the hanger
sized, rectangular building stretching out in front of us. The sun attempts to break from behind the grey
clouds and I step out into a puddle.
Thanks for the lift, I say begrudgingly, leaning into the car.
Evan turns to me, the frown hes had on his face for the last twenty minutes still present. I
wouldnt have forgotten you.

I open my mouth to tell him what I think of his sexist attitude, watching for a sly smile or wink.
There isnt one. Is he contrite or trying to hit on me?
And that makes everything better does it? I close the door with a satisfying slam.
My footsteps slap across the wet car park as I pull myself tall and stride away. I know hes
watching because his car engine idles behind me.

Chapter 3

NESS
I trudge up the street from the bus stop, thankful the black clouds hold onto their rain on my walk
home. Dusk falls over the dirty street, the front of the house disappearing into the shadows. The bus
journey adds an extra thirty minutes to the trip home from work and I curse Abby under my breath as I
hear her laughter through the front door.
Dropping my bag on the floor, I flop into the nearest armchair. Male voices in the kitchen dampen
the relief. I hope Abby and her friends go out soon - and she comes back alone.
Abby pokes her heavily made-up face around the doorway, deep pink lips pursed in apology. I
put petrol in your car.
I lean forward and undo my shoe. Dont ask to borrow it again.
Ever?
Not in the near future.
She walks over with a large mug and sets it on the table next to me. Here. I really am sorry.
In a short halter neck dress, barely covering the tops of her legs and her long brown hair
straightened down her back, I no longer need to ask Abby if shes going out tonight.
Thanks. I sip the hot coffee.
Matt walks into the room, beer bottle in hand, and passes Abby one of the highly colored alcoholic
drinks she likes so much. The kind that stains her mouth red like the lollies we ate as kids, and taste
the same.
Hey, Ness, he says, want a better drink than coffee?
Matt is ready for a night out too, his blue checked shirt buttoned over his broad chest, long legs
ending in expensive trainers. He latched onto Abby in Freshers Week and I dont like him much.
Something about him is too nice. I dont believe guys can be so devoted and so quickly. But he calls
her his girlfriend, and so far she appears to be his only one. He squeezes Abbys backside and leans
in for a kiss. I look away as his hands wander.
Ness? Like the monster? A pair of denim clad legs descend the stairs, and it doesnt take me
long to realize theyre Evans. He raises an eyebrow quizzically at me and I try not to appreciate the
effort hes made for his evening out. How much sexier he looks in his well-cut shirt, and with
smoothly shaven skin. I shrug the thought away, no wonder he hasnt any problem finding girls to fill
his bed.
I ignore his school yard comment. Thanks for this morning.
I walk past Abby into the kitchen and mentally kick myself at the way my body has flared into a

desire to touch him. So, he stepped in to play knight in shining armor and hes hot but hes still a dick.
I poke myself, reminding my stupid hormones this guy has sex with girls and forgets.
Have fun tonight, guys, I say, back turned.
Its Friday Abby says from behind me, a whine in her tone.
I know, so I cant get pissed off when you bring home half the university with you.
No, I mean, why arent you coming out? Its the weekend.
Couldnt she see the dark circles around my eyes, caused by a week of interrupted sleep, and eight
hour shifts in the battery farm impersonating a call center?
In case she didnt, I turn to her and point at my face. Im tired, Abby. Maybe tomorrow.
Inspecting the contents of the fridge, hoping to find ingredients for a quick meal, only a carton of
milk and half a loaf of bread remains. Everything I bought yesterday has disappeared. I inhale, telling
myself yet again moving in here was a big mistake.
Abby picks up on my thoughts, she makes a small humph noise and leaves before I can say
anything. Evan steps forward and leans against the door frame, a lot more upright than our last
encounter in the kitchen.
You should come out. Relax, he says.
Id prefer to relax at home. Make the most of the peace and quiet.
You dont have to make it all night, calls Abby from the room behind him, Were going to the
pub first. You can go home after that, if you dont want to come clubbing.
Sounds like a plan? says Evan and I am mystified why hes trying to persuade me to go on a
night out with them.
I turn and pull some pasta from the cupboard, then root around for a pan under the cooker. No,
thanks.
You can buy me that drink?
Pausing, I turn, pan in hand. What drink?
The one youre going to buy me to say thank you.
Im about to give him a mouthful for his arrogance but he gives me a look. The look Im sure has
charmed scores of girls into bed. Innocent, cheeky lop-sided grin and sparkling eyes. He can forget
trying his charms on me.
Maybe another time, I tell him.
Okay. He turns his charm face back off and returns to his friend. For some reason, Im annoyed
he didnt try harder.
Ten minutes later, Im standing over simmering pasta, listening to the voices from the lounge. I
weigh up in my head whether to go, back home Id never miss a Friday night out. Maybe I could
manage a couple, if just me and Abby went - Ive seen enough of her student cohorts for this week.
Were going in five minutes, says Abby, appearing in the door. You sure you dont want to
come?
I have to eat.
Well wait.
Whos going?
Abby shrugs. Not sure. A few are going to the Union but I know you dont like going there. Were
going to meet most of them at Ritzys. She spots my hesitation. Go on, I feel crap about this
morning. I want to spend some time with you. We can go for a quiet drink at the pub first.
Over her shoulder, Matt leans back in the sofa, legs on the table, joking around with Evan. I highly
doubt shell spend much time with me if shes with Matt. Evan sits opposite the door and hes

watching me. I meet his eyes, daring him to keep looking, and for the first time, the definition of the
word smolder makes sense to me. Ohmygod, hes hot. The creeping heat starts on my cheeks so I
break his gaze.
Maybe tomorrow. I turn and drain my pasta.
Fine, huffs Abby
Evan replaces Abby in the doorway, crisp blue shirt stretching across his chest and accentuating
the fact he spends a lot of time in the gym. So much sexier than the scruffier clothes he had on earlier.
I attempt not to picture the curve of his abs hinted at by his clothes. What the hell, I mentally castigate
myself. I am not to find him sexy. But the brown eyes are fixed on me again.
Youre upsetting her, he says in a low voice.
What do you mean?
Shes been talking all evening about taking you out, apologizing. She thinks youre pissed off with
her, doesnt want to fight with you.
I blink. She told you this?
I can tell. Come on. Im sure a couple of drinks wont kill you.
I consider the pasta congealing in the sink behind me, and the prospect of sitting alone in a house
Im not a hundred percent comfortable in yet. Ive already heard stories of break-ins. Leeds is a new
world, not just a city a few hundred miles from home. The darkening evening and unfamiliar
surroundings clinch my decision. Not Evans inviting smile.
Okay, Ill get changed.
Evans grin widens. Cool. I bet youre one of those chicks who gets ready in five minutes
anyway.
I consider this statement as I walk upstairs. He either means I look good already or Ive no chance
of making myself look half-decent. Its impossible to tell which.
****
EVAN
I was joking about the drink, I say to Vanessa as a pint appears on the table in front of me.
She sits opposite me, perching on one of the uncomfortable round stools. I dont want to owe you
anything.
Thats an odd thing to say.
She changed into jeans and a simple top. Strappy, not too low cut and the deep green accentuates
her eyes. Her breasts push against the thin material and Im distracted by the lace outline of the top of
her bra. My gaze meets hers again and the look she gives me suggests shes aware I was checking her
out. I didnt mean to. No, really. Her full lips shine invitingly with a hint of lip gloss. I rub my own
together and she turns her head. So now Ive been caught fantasizing about her mouth. Those death
stares cant be far away now.
Weve chosen a pub close to the university, and the look on Vanessas face when we walked in
indicated Abby shouldve picked somewhere a little less student filled. The venue is narrow, a bar
down the center and small wooden tables with stools along the edges. Which is very handy if you
dont want to lose sight of anyone, problematic if you want personal space. Abby and Matt hang at the
bar while Matt chats to a group of friends. I recognize a couple from our Halls and wave, mixed

feelings about sitting alone with Vanessa.

Okay, what happened? I ask, taking a long drink.
When? Vanessa asks.
This thing I did. That upset you.
She straightens and fixes me with the look I received earlier today. You inferred Im stupid. And
that I sound like the Queen.
I splutter, not sure if laughing is appropriate. Ive no idea about the stupid part, but yeah, you
sound like the Queen. A bit.
Vanessa narrows her eyes at me but a smile hints around the corner of her mouth. No, I dont.
Im a Northerner. You posh chicks all sound like the Queen.
The smile disappears. You dont have a lot of respect for women, do you?
Where the hell did that come from? Her words irritate me, considering my life so far. I have a lot
of respect for women.
She snorts. Im not a chick. Women arent chicks.
Ah. Okay.
Jeez.
And the other stuff. Sleeping with girls. And not even remembering the next day.
This is weird, shes so intense.
You dont know enough about me to judge me. I tell her.
Abby arrives with a drink for Vanessa and as they chat I scan the pub for Matt. Hes still leaning
against the bar, chatting to group from our department. I consider joining them but Abby wanders off
again.
Vanessa watches her, mouth open then begins to drink quickly.
Thirsty?
I dont want to stay here if shes not going to be around. I knew shed do this. Her gaze is fixed
on Matt and Abby at the bar.
My company that bad?
She doesnt reply. Its Abbys turn for Vanessas death stares.
For the record, I dont think youre stupid, I say.
Really.
Abby says you chose not to go to uni, even though youre smart. I continue. Why do that?
She turns her green eyes back to me and for once theyre not looking at me like Im pond life.
Freedom.
Freedom? By working in a call center? Not my definition.
Yes. Freedom from the stress of being what I dont want to be. For not being what someone else
wants me to be.
Parents?
Yep.
I nod even though I cant completely understand. I get the need to escape the stranglehold of the
past, Im with her on that one. But why choose to work in a crappy job, instead of a few years of
student freedom, before the real world hits.
What did they want you to be? I ask.
A doctor.
Woah. Youre definitely not stupid!
She smiles weakly. I changed my mind at the last minute. Passed the entrance exams and

everything. So sick of the nagging and comparisons. My older brother studied an Arts degree, an
embarrassment to the family.
I stiffen. Im studying an Arts degree
She rubs her reddening cheek. I didnt mean that
that Im stupid? Come full circle havent we? I hear the hostility tingeing my words and her
porcelain skin reddens further.
I didnt picture you as an Arts student, she says.
No?
More sports science or something.
Really? Why?
You look She grabs for words Fit. I mean, healthy fit. Not
Lowering my voice, I say, Sexy fit?
I consider turning on my charms, seeing how far I can push her. I shouldnt, not when shes
flustered from her belief shes insulted me. The growing pink suits her face, gives her some color.
Shes not my usual type but theres something about her. A challenge. So, I smile my smile. The one
they love.
Vanessa folds her arms over her lovely chest. Im not interested.
I laugh at her, at the fact she doesnt realize shes thrown the gauntlet down between us with those
words. Fair enough.
Her tongue moistens her lips as she considers something and I imagine myself licking them too.
Which Arts degree?
Im an English major.
You like poetry?
Could she sound anymore incredulous?
Is that so strange?
Umm. Yes. Vanessa twists her glass on the table. Next youll be telling me you write poetry
too.
Nope, too busy corrupting innocent virgins with my sexy fit body.
Vanessas attempt at her customary stare is marred by the hint of embarrassment on her face.
Byron was a poet. And he was a bit like you.
A bit like me?
A bit of a misogynist.
I draw in a deep breath. Im bored of this now. I dont have to sit and be insulted by some chick
who I have no chance of getting into bed. I dont mind flirtatious battles of wills. But not when
playing around wont get me anywhere.
You like to put people in compartments? I ask her.
Whats that supposed to mean?
You call me a misogynist but I think youre being fairly sexist. What about the girls doing the
same as me? Are they using the guys they sleep with? Or would you call them worse names than
misogynist
Vanessa shifts in her seat and picks up her drink. No.
So get to know someone before you make a decision about who they are.
Okay, sorry
I grin into my beer as I take a drink, I love getting one over on girls like her. Those who make snap
judgments about me, imagining themselves superior. After offending her last night, maybe she has an

excuse. Whatever, shes got sharp claws and unfortunately they wont be raking my back anytime
soon. I search the bar for someone else I know. Theres a group of girls from one of my lectures, Im
pretty sure the petite blonde in the very low cut top has given me the come on before. And shes
smiling at me now.
I excuse myself more politely than I feel, cutting short something she was about to say. What I
dont understand is what tugs at me when I see the hurt in Vanessas face as I walk away, leaving her
alone.

Chapter 4

NESS
Im cuddled up under a blanket, dozing off as I watch a late night movie, when the front door
opens. I heard them coming before they got here, loud voices in the street, and toyed with the idea of
retreating to my bedroom. Too late, Abby stumbles in first, rain glistening on her long hair as Matt
pushes her through. Some guys I recognize from previous party nights trip in after her. One, straggly
hair and black band T-shirt, carries a clinking carrier bag and another skinny guy balances a stack of
pizza boxes. Great.
My stomach lurches as a pretty girl with long blonde hair and drunken eyes enters the house. Shes
pushed through the door by Evan, who has his arms tightly around her waist. Evans drunken brown
eyes meet mine and he drops his hold on her. The door closes behind him and he leans against it, not
touching the girl who curls herself into him.
By this point, Ive turned away, angry with myself that seeing them bothers me. And why should it?
We only had a brief meeting in the pub, which ended abruptly. Okay, I enjoyed holding a conversation
with someone who was interested in talking to me, even if our words were a bit snarky. He tried to
turn his charm onto me, briefly, successfully flattering me into thinking he liked me. God I must be
desperate for attention. Thinking about it, Ive not tried to connect with people since I got here. At
work its easier to keep my head down and get on with things. Perhaps after these few weeks of
feeling like a piece of Abbys furniture I was flattered by Evan. Something hes evidently good at, I
decide, watching the girl pushing herself into him.
Oh! Youre still awake, have a drink with us! shrieks Abby and pushes one of her bottles of
alcoholic juice into my hand.
No thanks, Im going to bed. I push the drink back at her.
Evans looking at me. Staring. I meet his eyes, look pointedly at the girl hes with, then back to
him. Bizarrely, he shrugs at me. This small exchange sends heat across my face so I turn away. When
we sat together in the pub, I was on guard. I thought I had him figured out and then I made the comment
about Arts students and my embarrassment caused a slip in defense. Evan emanates confident
sexuality and at that point he drew me in with flirtation, using his looks and words to try and suck me
in. And afterwards I kicked myself because his tricks worked. Yeah, works on both random blondes
and me. I shake my head, dismissing my attraction to him. Ignoring the gaze burning my skin, I turn and
disappear upstairs before he tries to speak to me again. I dont want another encounter with the drunk
Evan.
Switching the lamp on, I then plug my iPod into speakers and throw a book onto the bed. My night:

a book and some music until the revelers below pass out. I pull on warm pajamas - cutesy kittens on
pink flannel. Oh so not me.
When I come out of the bathroom, Evan is sitting on the top stair, leaning against the wood chip
wall. His smart shirt has a button missing and is untucked. The blonde girl.
All yours, I say nonchalantly, indicating the bathroom.
He doesnt move, head resting on the wall, watching me. My neck prickles, wishing hed
stop looking at me. The top of his chest is revealed by the missing button. Smooth and kissable. I
squeeze my eyes shut. Hormones. Leave.
Are you? he says slowly, appraising me in my thankfully shapeless pajamas.
Am I what?
All mine. He pulls himself to his feet and places a hand on the bannister. I think he catches the
disgust on my face. Just kidding
Isnt she all yours? The blonde?
Nah. Im too much of a misogymisogyn.. He stumbles over the word and clears his throat.
Byronesque.
Arrogant and destructive?
His signature smile creeps up his face. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing
woman.
I gawp. Thats the only word I can think of to describe my reaction. A half-drunk guy is quoting
poetry at me, as Im standing in my pajamas above a room full of semi-inebriated students.
Is that how you do it? I ask him.
Do what?
Seduce girls into bed?
Evan laughs. No, thats my good looks and sexy fit body.
Hes teasing me but he wont win. Dont deprive her then.
Who?
Youve forgotten her before you even have sex with her? I say with mock incredulity.
He shrugs. No. Shes a bit too keen. I prefer a challenge.
A challenge?
He lowers his voice. I bet youd be a challenge.
Oh, my god. This guy is such a wanker when hes had a few drinks. Hes got a girl downstairs and
now hes hitting on me? Im not interested, Evan.
Yeah, I get that. He pulls a dejected face then grins again.
Off you go then. I shoo him with my hand.
Off I go.
As he walks into the bathroom, he pauses and looks back over. Such a shame. This feels destined
somehow.
Destined. Right. Got a poetry line on that too?
No, I mean because we fit.
Fit?
Our names. Evan Vanessa He gives me the lop-sided grin, accompanied by a shine in his
eyes. Evan fits into Vanessa.
Evan raises an eyebrow in challenge.
He most certainly does not! I retort and rush into my bedroom.
I lean against the door, my heart thumps in my ears as I listen. The bathroom door clicks shut. I

bang my head softly, annoyed at my pathetic comeback to his vulgar comment. He bloody won.
Im still there when I hear him leave the bathroom and return downstairs. Every time we encounter
each other, something new intrigues me about him and something new puts me off wanting anything to
do with him. Apart from the obvious and frustrating attraction I have to him, theres something else. A
guy who quotes poetry and engages in battles of will, cant be the vacuous womanizer I thought he
was when we met yesterday. I want to know his story.

Chapter 5

NESS
I push the cereal around my bowl with a spoon; Abby leans against the sink waiting for the kettle
to boil. Matt is upstairs, in her bed but nobody else remains in the house from the night before. I cant
help thinking about Evan and the blonde girl, even though its none of my business. After we spoke at
the top of the stairs, I tried to concentrate on a book and music so I didnt have to think about him. My
heart thumped for too long afterwards, the evening replaying in my mind. How Evan looked at my
mouth, flirted in the pub. Then chose another girl. Logical choice, as if I would do what he wanted
anyway - no sex from me. Id drifted off as the voices faded downstairs, images of Evans missing
button and intense looks dancing into my dreams.
Does Matt live with Evan? I ask Abby.
She rubs her panda eyes, the make-up which accentuated them so beautifully last night spread
down her cheeks. In the same Halls, yeah.
And they knew each other before uni?
Think so. Ive heard them mention places from the same town.
I spoon cornflakes into my mouth.
Why the sudden interest in Evan? asks Abby. Her face lights up. Oh! Youre into him. Hmm.
Join the queue there.
She pours water into the three chipped mugs and pulls her hair over her shoulders. I shouldnt push
the conversation, but I decide to keep going.
What do you think of him? I ask.
Hes a nice guy. Mostly. He gets drunk a lot. And stoned. More than Matt, anyway. But I guess
some people do when they hit the freedom of uni.
Yeah, he seems to be with a different girl every time he comes here.
Abby smiles. I dont think hes the boyfriend type.
And Matt hasnt said anything about him?
Like what?
I dont know, about his past.
Abby walks over and taps me on the head with a teaspoon. You mean is he some kind of dark,
brooding broken guy?
I curse my pale skin and inability to hide embarrassment. No.
Abby returns to the mugs. Nope, hes just a player. Besides, guys dont talk about that crap, do
they?

As I finish the cornflakes, disappointment rises inside. I wish he was a little bit broken then I
could like him a little bit more.

Chapter 6

NESS
Working in a call center is akin to being a battery hen. Penned into the cubicle, we start the shift,
plug in our phones and then were at the mercy of the automated telephone service. Fluorescent
lighting hurts my eyes and the temperature control inside the windowless center of the building dries
them out. Everything is logged - lunch breaks, coffee breaks and even toilet breaks. Were in teams.
With targets. This is to create camaraderie but only the team leaders are interested in the sales targets
they battle to meet. Most of us want to get the shift over with and go home.
Abby is gradually getting more considerate. Over the last couple of weeks she hasnt dragged half
of campus home so Im getting decent sleep. And less friends littering the place after I finish work,
normally Matt and a few friends. No Evan for a week though, which I have mixed feelings about. I
can rationalize my thoughts about him when I dont see him, but the repressed side of me, sexually
attracted to him, wants to see him again. Fool.
Even with the extra sleep, days like today are tough - an evening shift followed by a new roster the
next morning. Almost a double shift. But Im not in the mood and Ive had some really difficult
customers.
At lunch (thirty minutes and counting), I sit alone and flick through a magazine. Ive worked at the
call center for a month now and Im still not accepted. Half of the team thinks Im a student because of
my accent and avoid me. The lack of camaraderie and bitchiness didnt faze me to begin with but
recently the animosity has started to bother me. Okay, so this work environment doesnt lend itself to
chatting around the water cooler when everyones plugged into their phones all day. But at breaks and
lunch, people do chat and rarely to me. I wont admit this to anyone but myself, but Im regretting my
rash decision to work here. The pay is okay but Im isolated.
Im toying with the idea of saving to go traveling. Saving all the money myself and not accepting a
begrudging penny from my parents. I picture Mum freaking out and the idea freaks me out a little too. I
have no-one to go with and Im not sure I would be confident enough to backpack around the world
alone. Then my head clouds in with all the indecision and stress so I stop thinking about what to do.
Thats what happens when life is planned out for you from birth. Deviate from those plans and the
house of cards crashes down.
Julie wants to see you. A middle-aged woman with badly permed hair and a shirt stretched too
tightly across her chest regards me sullenly.
Julie?
Yeah. She walks away.

I gulp down the remaining muddy, tasteless coffee from the polystyrene cup and deposit it in the
bin on the way out of the canteen.
Only the team leaders have their own offices. Little partitioned boxes around the edges of the
battery farm. Julies is covered in team building slogans, sales charts and the face of the team
member of the month gazes out from a gaudy certificate.
Julie waits inside and I perch myself on the proffered seat. Her desk is covered in photographs of
children and school paintings adorn her wall.
Vanessa, she says and smiles.
Julie is skinny; too skinny. Her highlighted blonde hair is carefully styled and she wears bright red
lipstick on her thin lips. With her trowel load of foundation, I cant tell how old she is. Now Im
closer to her I admire her lineless forehead and decide shes had Botox.
So, how are you finding things with us in Team Delta?
Whenever anybody says the words, I imagine us whitewater rafting through Africa.
Okay, I think. Because she doesnt think so, I can see from behind the false smile.
Good, good. Well, Im chatting to all our recent recruits, going over stats so we know how things
are going. She taps a couple of buttons.
Is there a problem? I ask, shifting in my seat.
Only with your cross-sales figures. Tell me, do you offer our clients the option to sign up for
other products every time they call?
Normally, I lie. Im not a natural sales person and I cringe each time I push unwanted products
onto customers.
Well, it seems you need a little more training in that area. Well fix you up with some sessions.
Probably next week - Ill put you in with the new starters.
I groan inwardly. Basically, shes telling me Im being put in the remedial class. I plaster on a fake
smile to match hers. Sure, that sounds like a great idea.
Leaving her office, I ignore the faces of my team watching me and walk stiffly to the bathroom. I
gaze at the blurred reflection through tearing eyes. The harsh lights highlight my lack of sleep and
pallid skin. Im failing at something and the feeling isnt good.

Chapter 7

NESS
I told you it was a shitty job, remarks Abby in a completely unhelpful manner.
Were walking back from the library, through the overhanging grey tower blocks dwarfing the
older university buildings. We have a deal - I pick her up from university on days that suit my work
schedule and she does the grocery shopping on days that suit her study schedule. The cupboards are
bare and the fridge empty, despite the copious lists I leave stuck to the door.
Itll do for now, I say.
But you hate it?
Theres worse jobs. I dont hate it.
Abby waves at a group of girls walking by. None of them register me. Youre so stubborn. Why
didnt you just study something other than medicine? Meet them half way?
I dont want to take anymore of their money. Especially not to use on something they dont want
me to do.
The weeks of arguments and passive aggression from Dad simmer resentment inside me. Their
attempts to cajole me into changing my mind turned into threats of the cash flow drying up if I didnt.
They made me sound like a princess who sucks her parents dry, and Ive never been that way. I never
wheedled things out of guilty parents who were absent through long hours at work. I didnt want for
anything, but I didnt ask for anything either.
Once they accepted my decision, we agreed Id take the car with me, as it had been an eighteenth
birthday present. They would also pay the security bond on the house, if I let Mum help me choose.
What a fun-filled few days house-hunting they were.
You need a drink, said Abby.
Honestly, is that your answer to everything?
It used to be yours. Before you turned boring. She elbows me in the side, before I can retort.
One drink. Im driving, remember. But not the Union.
Abby grins and hooks her arm through mine. Cool!
The pub rests halfway up the steep street to the university, close enough to the city for office
workers and near enough to the campus for those who want a change from the student bars. We sit in
the same seats as last time, the time with Evan. I soak some spilt beer up with a beermat and place my
half pint on top.
Again, Abby drinks highly colored sugary crap through a straw. The minute we sat she began
texting, until I took her phone and pointedly set it on the table.

She burbles on about her recent evening antics and I nod in the right places. I cant talk to people
at work about mortgages and babies, and I cant talk to students about studying and clubbing. Stuck
between the two.
Abby waves at someone behind me excitedly and I turn to see Matt striding towards us, bag across
his shoulder. His cheeks are reddened by the cold and hes smiling broadly at Abby. Evan walks
behind and I look at my drink, before I meet his eyes.
You never said they were coming, I mutter.
Matt texted me, wanted to know where I was. So I told him.
Are you two getting serious? My stomach is tingling with butterflies at Evans presence and he
hasnt reached the table yet. Get a grip .
Abby takes a slurp from her bottle as Matt approaches, Maybe.
Matt and Abby snuggle together onto the red vinyl bench so I move across onto a stool. A glance
over my shoulder confirms Evan is joining us, hes buying drinks at the bar and isnt talking to anyone
around him. Great. Sitting with Matt and Abby is uncomfortable enough, but once Evan joins well be
back to where we were our first night. Awkward with unwanted amounts of sexual tension sparking
the air between us. The sensible Ness tries to leave but the heedless Ness remains rooted to her seat.
I havent seen him since we met at the top of the stairs and I want to find out more.
****
EVAN
I got you a coke, Vanessa, I say and set the drinks down on the table, but I see youre on the
beers tonight?
She takes a drink, avoiding my eyes. Id never have taken her as a beer drinker. White wine
spritzers. Cruisers.
No, just one. I need to drive home.
Vanessas folded jacket and white shirt indicate she hasnt been home from work yet. Again, I can
see the tantalizing lace beneath her top but this time Im quick enough to move my eyes before she
spots me. Something about this girl turns me on, I dont need to get close to or even touch Vanessa and
Im itching to get my hands on her.
Abby and Matt are snuggling and giggling, their behavior makes me uncomfortable, and amplifies
the tension between me and Vanessa. I slide onto the stool next to her. My knee touches hers and she
jerks away as if Ive given her an electric shock.
Thanks for the drink, she says.
No problem.
And silence.
Hows work? I ask.
Shit.
Shes paler than usual, and her downturned mouth and bad language betrays more. That bad,
huh?
Vanessa swigs some more beer. Bad day. Thats all.
I summon a sympathetic look, but inside my mind is saying haha told you so. Princess Vanessa
isnt doing well with the commoners.

Hows poetry class? she asks a little snidely.

Ah. Yeah, sorry. The other night had to come up. Id hoped shed dismiss what happened. Crap,
I say some dumb stuff when Im pissed.
Sorry? No, but it was so cute the way you quoted poetry at me while your latest conquest waited
downstairs for you.
She offers me a fake smile. Every time I think Im going to like this girl, she puts her claws in.
You judging me again, Vanessa?
No. Just stating a fact, Evan.
She scratches her nose with a delicate finger and rubs her lips. Im transfixed by this, and by her
quickened breathing. I recognize the signs and smile.
I didnt, I tell her.
Didnt?
Have sex with the blonde girl. Ive no idea why I felt the need to say those words and this
concerns me - what does Vanessas opinion matter?
She arches an eyebrow at me. Blonde girl? So she doesnt even have a name?
I rest my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands, then look back to her. Vanessa, you
always think the worst. Of course I know her name. Its Candice. Shes in my Medieval Lit class and
shes still talking to me.
What happened? Did she pass out?
I shake my head slowly at Vanessa, catching a glint of something in her eye. Shes doing this
deliberately. Of course she did, how else would she resist my charms unless she was unconscious?
Brush up on your poetry, maybe thatll keep her awake long enough. Her response is batted
straight back, as if were in a game of tennis.
Scrap that thought. These encounters are beginning to get interesting. Maybe Im not wasting my
time. Its a while since I had a verbal sparring match with someone other than my sister, and its fun. I
dont normally bother talking to girls, getting to know them makes things complicated and I dont want
complicated. But Vanessas intriguing and funny. Plus shes going to take more than flattery to get into
bed. A challenge. Maybe I can deal with the claws after all.
Hows your sex life?
She splutters into her beer. What the hell?
You seem very interested in mine.
Im not talking about that with you! Pink creeps across her pale skin.
Then quit talking about mine. I smile, waiting for the confused look, the comeback.
Vanessa sets down the glass and tucks her hair behind her ear slowly. Sorry, Im just intrigued by
your uncanny ability to turn on every girl around you. She runs her tongue across her top lip, leans
towards me.
I blink. What the hell? Did someone just swap Vanessa for a different girl and I missed it? She
said she wasnt interested. Vanessas looking directly at me, the vanilla scent of her perfume drifting
towards me. This is beyond a challenge; shes looking directly into my head. I rearrange my features
back into my normal, laid-back look.
Not me though, she continues and finishes her beer, smiling into the glass.
Not yet, I say, recovering and joining her game, leaning into her.
She moves back. I saw you then.
Saw me?
I saw Evan. The real Evan. She sips her drink.

What real Evan?

Stretching out her neck and shoulders, she continues to watch me with shining green eyes. You
tell me.
The space between us contracts, as if shes seen something carefully hidden. Vanessas touching
her gold necklace, fingers trailing across her neck. Above her breasts. I cant tell if shes doing this
deliberately but its fucking hot . I focus an intense gaze on her. The one I use on girls I want to get
into my bed as soon as possible. It works. She cant hold my look and the blush creeps from her
cheeks to her neck. I finish off with my signature smile. Nice try, Vanessa. Game on.

Chapter 8

NESS
The minute I agreed to go to the pub with Abby, I shouldve known what would happen. Several
drinks in quick succession lead to Abbys decision - we all go for a curry. The curry house is a short
walk from the pub, so my refusal to go would be rude. Still, I attempt to get out of going but a
combination of Abbys insistence and a quiet plea from Evan not to be alone with the lovebirds
wears me down. Plus the fridge at home is empty as per usual. Admittedly, my intrigue with Evans
behavior tonight also plays a part. I cant tell what game hes playing, but Im going to win.
Stepping from the street into the restaurant, my senses are assaulted by the smell of Indian spices
and the bright red and gold decor. If wed arrived any later, and the place wouldve been full of postpub students but theres only one other couple here. Matt orders five different dishes and soon the
table is piled with an assortment of bowls holding steaming curries, and plates of giant naan bread.
The mingling flavors remind me Im hungry, and my appetite pushes out the strange feeling Ive had in
my stomach since talking to Evan in the pub. Authentic curry tastes so good and I unashamedly fill a
plate with chicken tikka, naan and bhajis.
Not a typical girl, are you? Evan says from across the table, gaze going from my full plate to
Abbys.
Abbys contains a tiny pile of rice and a spoonful of rogan josh. I look directly into Evans eyes
and shove a huge piece of naan bread into my mouth.
Nope, I say through the bread.
Abby giggles. Shes not a typical anything.
Evans gaze moves from my mouth to my chest and slowly back again, eyes darkening and that
smile beginning. Im starting to see.
My dampened hormones rage back to life and I hold my breath. Evan is not the person I want to
reawaken the needs Ive buried since I broke it off with Josh. Ive been doing okay on my own, thank
you. I do not need to start fantasizing about someone whos guaranteed to break my heart. I pensively
lick sauce from my bottom lip and his eyes fix there, biting his own. What obsession does this guy
have with my mouth? I can guess, and my mind instantly conjures up an image of his mouth on mine. I
grab a spoon and distract myself, ladling more food onto the plate.
Abby and Matt flirt and do the gross feeding each other thing, Abby giggling with each forkful he
stuffs in her mouth. Evan lifts a forkful of curry in my direction and raises an eyebrow at me.
I dont think so, I say, Im not three years old.
He grins and slides the fork into his own mouth, licking his lips slowly. I laugh at him mimicking

me.
The easygoing atmosphere is a relief after the crap at work. The build up of tension between me
and Abby melts away with every shared joke. Evan is more relaxed too, the smart comments replaced
with normal conversation. Perhaps co-existing with students will work. Here, with them, Im not on
the edge of the student world, looking sulkily in.
I have a question for you, Evan says.
My mind jumps to alert. Oh?
Dont stress, nothing dodgy. Just, why do you live in the middle of a student ghetto, socialize with
students but work in a crappy job when you could be at uni?
I bite the inside of my cheek. I told you, I didnt want my parents running my life for me.
So study something else.
I cant believe Im having this conversation twice in one day.
And get crap from them about wasting their money? No, Im paying my own way in life from now
on.
Evan takes a drink from his beer bottle. Isnt that still letting them run your life for you? If youre
doing something you dont want, just to prove a point?
His words smart. You should be a studying Psychology, I retort.
Just saying. As he continues to eat, I catch him studying my face but not in the hungry, sexual way
from before. If hes trying to figure me out, he may as well stop. The situation is clear and simple Im a teenager chasing independence.
How about you? What do your parents think about your life choices? I ask.
He frowns at me. Are you talking about me studying a waste of time degree?
No, I never said that. Did they?
Turning back to his meal, Evan shovels curry into his mouth, and I think Ive killed the
conversation.
Like you, I dont want my future dictated by what other people want from me, he says after a
long pause.
The hardness in his voice warns me this isnt banter anymore and I back off. Right off. We
continue our meal in silence, while an oblivious Matt and Abby continue their flirtations.
Time passes and Matt lines a couple more bottles on the table in front of him, but Abby and Evan
stop drinking.
As were leaving I point at the lack of bottles in front of Evan. Youre slacking, its nine in the
evening and youre sober.
Evan holds the door open for me. I dont drink every night. He follows me through. Just most.
The approaching winter bites and I pull my thin jacket tight. Disappointingly, Evans mood
remains subdued.
My car waits in the library car park and Im grateful its still in one piece. I know theres
floodlights and security but the campus isnt the sensible place to leave a car at night. Matt and Abby
hop in the back and their low voices quiet into what I hope is just kissing. Evans large frame settles
into the passenger seat besides me and I steal a glimpse at him. The smile he gives me doesnt have
the usual hidden meaning attached. So I smile back.
You guys want me to take you home? I ask him.
No! says Abby, Matts coming back with us. How about you Evan?
Evan scratches an eyebrow. Thats up to Vanessa.
Abby giggles. No-one calls her Vanessa. Apart from her mum and dad.

I know, but she hasnt given me permission to call her anything else. Hes not looking at me but I
hear the tease in his voice.
Better Ness than babe, I retort.
He snorts with amusement, I prefer Vanessa. I told you why.
Why? Abby asks.
Because Evan fits he begins and I slap his leg in horror.
What? I dont get it? asks Abby.
I dont hear her, Evan catches my hand when I touch his leg and hes tracing his thumb across the
back of it. His abrasive touch sends tingling shocks up my arm. And down. How can one touch arouse
me like this? I stare at the steering wheel, battling between the desire to let him keep touching me, or
pulling my hand away.
Matt whacks my headrest. Come on! Some of us want to go to bed!
Shh Abby puts her hand over his mouth.
I tear my fingers from Evans, before the connotations of Matts words spread through the car.
Attempting to hide my increased difficulty in breathing, I concentrate on driving us home.
****
NESS
Evan lounges on the sofa, legs outstretched and beer bottle in hand. As I leave the kitchen with a
couple of drinks for me and Abby, I pause. Theres intent in his darkened pupils as he slowly takes a
drink from his bottle. Crap . I shouldve taken him home.
Matt and Abby are entangled on the armchair by the window and my only option is the sofa next to
Evan. I chicken out and sit on the arm at the opposite end to him.
He twists his body towards me. I dont bite, Ness.
Thats a predictable thing to say. I feign ignoring him and take a drink of lager.
He shuffles along the sofa towards me, and my breathing increases again. Thank god the room is
dim enough to hide my change of color.
Very true. Should I go for poetry instead?
I give in and flop into the space between us, he shifts closer, solid thigh touching mine. I flinch and
he moves his leg away again.
What do you prefer? Shakespeare? Something a bit more modern?
I snuggle back into the sofa, glad hes turned off the primal looks. Hit me with your best shot,
poetry guy.
Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.
Again, his words surprise me and although I wish I could laugh him, theres a strange earnestness
in his face.
Much Ado About Nothing? I ask.
So I hear.
This time when his leg touches me, he doesnt move away. As I exhale, its as if I let out part of
the barrier I have against him. He searches my face; Im convinced hes about to kiss me.
Movement on the stairs distracts me and my heart leaps into my mouth as I watch Matt and Abby
go upstairs. Evan tips his head back to watch them go, then turns to me. I freeze, ready to move if he

reaches out to me.

Shaking slightly, I take a drink from my bottle. Have you known Matt long?
Evan shakes his head. Matt? Thats a deft change of subject.
Yep.
Did you think I was going to kiss you?
Thats an even defter change of subject.
Were close, almost touching and the electricity hovers in the space between us ready to spark.
Something in the warmth of him spreads towards me and I fight down the attraction to him, the one
Im sure I share with so many other girls. I cant breathe properly and I dont like it, guys dont
normally have this effect on me. I close my eyes, dismissing the urge to kiss him.
Ive known Matt since I was four, he says and I open my eyes.
His face is nowhere near mine. A bit like me and Abby.
Yeah.
Where are you from?
Lancaster. Always. Since birth.
A relief to get away then?
Evan picks at the label on his bottle. Oh yeah. His words hold something, which flickers across
his face, and he squeezes his eyes like hes trying to forget something.
Not far to go if you want to visit, I suppose.
Evan turns his eyes back to me. Why dont we talk about the weather?
Why?
Because youre making small talk.
I frown at him. Just trying to get to know you. Thats all.
Evan sinks back into the cushions. Theres not much to know. That was my childhood. My life
starts now.
Funny, because I know exactly what he means by those words; so many people I come across want
to cling to their childish past. Youve got controlling parents too?
Parent. He swigs his beer.
Oh, youre Dad not around?
My Mum isnt around. He clamps his mouth shut and I think Ive poked the wound I suspected.
He sits forward again. You going to get all Freudian on me now?
What do you mean?
You know, me and all the girls. Mother issues. Not allowing a woman to love me. That bullshit.
I dont like the edge to his voice or the way his hands gripping his bottle. Weve circled back
round to the conversation in the restaurant. Whatever he thinks, I hadnt even begun to form any view.
I resist the temptation to point out to him that the words validate his own argument.
No, Im not.
Evan rubs his face. Sorry, Vanessa.
Ness.
Im allowed to call you Ness now? To what do I owe that honor?
I smile at the break in tension. Because I dont think youre the guy who was so rude to me a
couple of days ago.
Oh? What guy am I?
I deliberately bite my bottom lip as I fix my eyes on his. Maybe I should kiss him. Hes obsessing
over my mouth again, I can tell, and thats why Im doing it.

Evans phone buzzes, and as he pulls it from his pocket, Im sure his hand trembles slightly.
Fuck off, he mutters and hits the cancel key.
He shoves the phone away and looks back to me but it rings again. Evans mouth hardens as he
cancels the call. This happens twice more and his agitation increases. Talk about mood killer.
Maybe just answer it? I suggest.
No. He presses the button on top to switch the phone off and sets it on the table, watching as if
the phone is a grenade.
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, drinking beer side by side. Next to me, Evan chews a
nail and I want to ask him if everything is okay. The sexual tension between us reduces back to
normal tension and I sigh quietly. There go my concerns about him trying to get me into bed.
Fuck, he mutters.
Then his lips crush mine, my sigh turning into a gasp of surprise as his rough kiss parts my mouth.
My first instinct is to push him away but my body has other ideas and I lean into him. Evan pulls me
into his chest, his embrace so tight I can feel his heart racing against mine. Logic flies out of my mind
without even saying goodbye as I wait eagerly for his next move. His warm mouth searches mine
urgently and my body flares into arousal. Im even trembling and all hes done is put his mouth on
mine. Holy crap, what is this? Evan pulls his head away and cups my cheek with his rough palm,
tracing a finger over my swollen lips.
I have to go, he says hoarsely, But I wanted to do that first. I hope you dont mind.
He grabs his phone from the table and shoves it into his back pocket. Sinking back into the sofa, I
watch him walk out the door. My brain has dissolved into a pool of lust and my body a shaking mess
of arousal. I cover my face in a mixture of embarrassment and confusion.
What the hell just happened?

Chapter 9

EVAN
The cafeteria in the Halls serves up the best breakfasts - full English, practically half a pig per
plate. Im not normally awake in time and dont indulge in eating breakfast here, and not platefuls like
the one in front of me now. Im surprised how busy the place is, the voices and banging of trays on
tables grates on my nerves. Matt pushes through the double doors and crosses the linoleum floor,
weaving his large frame between chairs.
Hes wearing the same clothes as last night, eyes tired. What you doing here? he asks.
Could ask you the same - thought you were with Abby last night?
Matt scrapes a chair across the tiled floor and sits opposite me. I left early. Things are getting too
cozy, I dont want her to think Im the one or whatever the chicks call it.
Think you mightve missed the boat there. I fold my bacon into bread and take a bite. From
what Ive seen, Id say she already thinks youre the one.
Should take a leaf out of your book. Keep things simple. He grins. So, did you do her?
The word doesnt sound right when associated with Vanessa. Ness. Cheapens her somehow.
Weird. I dont care about the word usually. Her opinions must be rubbing off on me. No. Something
interrupted me.
I never heard anyone else come over last night? Mind you, I was busy
I lift a palm up. Dont want to hear it, Matt.
Sowhat interrupted you?
Shes calling me again, I say flatly.
Who?
Lucy.
Someone bumps the back of my chair on the way past and I have to stop myself from turning and
yelling at them. Matt rubs his eyes.
Oh shit.
Yeah, oh shit.
What does she want?
I havent answered. The phone remains in my room, switched off. But it cant stay off forever.
The same as usual, I suppose.
Matt takes a piece of toast from my plate. Its not your crap to deal with, dude.
Somehow, it is. It always will be.
Does she know where you are?

I dont know, depends on if someones told her. She wasnt around when I left, was she?
The voices and trays clatter around us, filling the void where the conversation stops. Silences are
never awkward with Matt, but I can tell by his fingers tapping on the table hes uncomfortable.
I dont know what to say, man, he says finally.
My mind drifts back to Ness and the night before, the urgent kiss before I left. I couldve torn all
her clothes off there and then, dragged her straight to bed. Emptied my mind of everything but Nesss
body against mine. I shouldve lived in the present and not the past. Instead, I picked up the past and
took it home with me. Lucy needs to stay away; she doesnt belong in my new life.
****
EVAN
The cloud called Lucy hangs over me, graying my world, and Im waiting for the thunderstorm to
sweep in and drown me. Its only a matter of time. I hide in my room for most of the following day,
refusing to switch my phone back on. Using the pay phone, I make some phone calls of my own. Noone can enlighten me to where Lucy is, or what shes doing and the cloud above me grows.
Crap. If shes looking for me, who knows where she is.
When I get the courage to switch my phone on, I find fifty missed calls along with half a dozen
increasingly hysterical messages. As soon as I hear that its Lucy, I delete each one. Ive done enough
for her. I cant keep doing what she needs.
My next move is pretty stupid - I spend most of the next two days drunk. Not even happy drunk but
ending the evenings slumped in a corner and not in the arms of a girl. Even fueled by alcohol I cant
push Lucy out of my mind, the intoxication does the opposite, weakens my resolve. What if she really
needs me and Im letting her down? I came very close to returning her calls but never did.
And then theres Ness. Im not sure what to do, whether to contact her. Things would be
uncomfortable, not because of the kiss and my missed opportunity, but because Matt is avoiding
Abby. Plus, Ness asks questions, tries to talk to me about my life and I could do without
uncomfortable questions until Lucys off the horizon again. Maybe Ill call Ness when things calm
down.
****
My next attempt to feel better is more logical. I hit the gym and hard. Gradually, the frustration of
the last few days recedes and life clicks back to normal. Almost. A few days later and I walk out,
after finishing training, to find Abby hovering in the entrance. Wiping my face with the towel, I go
over.
Abby straightens, moves towards me too. Do you know where Matt is?
Shes fiddling with the zip on her bag and her eyes are wide, searching my face for an answer I
cant give her.
Havent seen him today.
Really? Her mouth pulls into a thin line
Yes, really.
Dealing with girls Ive pissed off is bad enough, but other peoples? Thanks Matt.

Is he avoiding me? Her voice rises an octave.

How should I know? I need to go, get in the shower. Im still paranoid Lucy might be looking for
me and dont want to hang around.
Are you avoiding Ness?
I frown at her. Thats a bit left field.
She thinks you are. She hasnt said what happened, but I can tell something did.
I recall Matts words about becoming a fixture in a girls life. Why do some chicks go way over
the top when nothing happened? Me and Ness barely even kissed, this is bullshit. I cant think of
anything to say, which wont be passed back to Ness, so I shake my head and walk away.
My lucks run out. Ness sits on the low wall outside the gym. I pause, unsure what to do. Shes
seen me so I cant bolt without looking as if Im avoiding her; which I now am.
****
NESS
Evan stops outside the door to the gym and meets my eyes. The unpleasant moment when the unsaid
hangs between two people hits us. Sweat glistens on his forearms and his T-shirt is soaked through,
accentuating the broad chest he pressed to me a couple of days ago. My body fires to life at the sight
of him; he looks like hes stepped from the pages of a male model calendar. Or those pictures my
friends are forever linking on Facebook. No, hed have to be shirtless for that. An image of the
shirtless Evan pops into my head and I want to smack myself. Im convinced hes going to walk in the
opposite direction, towards the trees where his eyes have shifted. But no. My heart rate spikes as he
walks over. Get a grip .
Ness He crosses his arms over his chest, looking at me uncertainly. I didnt expect to find
you on campus.
Im keeping an eye on Abby.
The look he gives me holds disbelief. Surely he doesnt think Im here because of him.
Im not stalking you, I say to him, Im with Abby.
Abby did a pretty good stalking job though. Unable to contact Matt, she set about finding Evan. Her
ingenuity astounds me; her motivation worries me.
Yeah, she found me.
Lucky you, I say, smiling
Why is she asking me about Matt? I dont know what to say to her. He sets his bag on the wall
next to me.
Why? Is he avoiding her?
Evan rubs his nose. Maybe. Probably. Ill get him to call her.
My heart sinks for Abby. Over the last couple of days, Ive tried telling her shes a month into her
life at university and the likelihood of finding a lasting relationship is slim. God knows why she
wants to get involved with someone. But Abby falls hard, each time a guy enters her world. Clings on
without realizing guys dont like girls who do. I knew Matt was the kind of guy who wouldnt be
permanent, but I gave up telling her these things years ago.
Abbys upset. Its pretty rude of him not to return her calls. He should man up and tell her if he
doesnt want to see her and stop ignoring her.

Evan frowns at me. Abby told me that you think Im ignoring you.
What the hell? I never said that! Why would I say that?
I thought it sounded strange.
And thats all he has to say. The kiss isnt going to get a mention, obviously.
Where is she now? I look behind him towards the door. I have a shift this afternoon and need to
go. So if she needs consoling shed better get over here.
Wont keep you then. He smiles and his eyes brighten for the first time since our conversation
began. Was he worried Id lay into him about our encounter?
Did you sort it out? I ask.
What?
The problem the other night. The phone calls that sent you running.
The brightness leaves his eyes. Yeah.
Hes lying. I want him to acknowledge he kissed me. But more than the acknowledgement, I want
him to ask me to see him again. I mentally kick myself, Im as bad as Abby. I should be grateful of a
lucky escape, because my hormones were sending me straight to bed with him.
Evan doesnt elaborate, the evening forgotten. Of course, whats a kiss to Evan anyway?
Cool. Well. See you around I guess. If Matts out of the picture, I guess the whole lot of you will
be keeping away from the house too, I say more cheerfully than I feel.
Yeah, no more strange men in your bed.
Or dodgy guys quoting poetry at me when Im trying to go to sleep.
We both smile and something tears inside me. I like talking to him; hes smart and intriguing. And I
want to do more than kiss him. In my head, I jump back to the memory of his mouth on mine, and the
incredible physical sensation that poured into me from his lips. I know Id be one in a long line, but if
his kissing is anything to go by, sex with Evan would be incredible.
And now Im disgusted with myself.
We part and I hurry off to find Abby.

Chapter 10

NESS
The quiet evenings - and uninterrupted sleep - improve my ability to cope with the mundanity of
work. Although, Abbys moroseness takes the edge off the feel-good. She hasnt been out since she
got The Call from Matt two weeks ago. I switched into broken heart nursing mode, piling the fridge
and cupboards with her favorite comfort food and nodding sympathetically through the repetitive
angst. Trying not to sound too much like a mother, I cajole her into returning to lessons. The quicker I
can get Abby hooked up with another guy, the better.
Work today involves more sales training. Intensive, mind-numbing parroting of everything I learnt
a couple of months ago. The irritating sly smiles and sniggers, from the group of girls whove
pigeonholed me into posh bitch, push me to the verge of a confrontation.
Regret over my decision to work here follows me to the battery farm everyday, and this kind of
crap doesnt help.
After my stomping around upstairs, swearing, Abby appears and decides dressing up and a night
out is what we both need. She thinks I could do with a bit of male attention, and part of me agrees.
Three months since I broke things off with Josh and Im missing him. If Im honest, I miss the physical
side of our relationship more, and someone finding me desirable.
Abby insists on playing dress ups with me and I cave to her whim. She gleefully arrives in my
room with her bulging tote of cosmetics and a selection of dresses.
About an hour later, she pushes me in front of the mirror. There!
The short black dress barely reaches my knees and hugs my small figure a little too tightly for my
comfort. I pull a face when I look at the heels she gave me. Sure they make my legs longer and sexier,
but falling flat on my face wont be a sexy move. I remove them and put on flats; Abby pulls a face.
Do you want me to change the dress as well? I threaten.
No! Dont you dare!
For once, Abbys handiwork on my face gives me a natural look, the eye makeup accentuates the
green of my eyes, rather than the panda eyes she favors. I turn and pout at her, she leans in and takes a
shot of us on her phone. Ive agreed to go to the Union with her. Not because I might see Evan. Okay,
Im lying.
As I walk arm in arm with Abby, a doubt nags at me. Were getting on so much better without her
boyfriend and his posse. Do I really want to help find Abby a new one?
****

EVAN
Two weeks, and Lucy hasnt called or appeared. I relax and resume my routine. Hopefully
someone intervened before she had a chance to find me.
Ness crosses my mind occasionally, something about her sticks with me. Apart from wanting to get
her naked. Im pissed off I only got as far as kissing her, and I can blame Lucy for that too. The spark
of a different type of connection between me and Ness stays, a shared desire to run away from
childhood bonds. Our lives are miles apart, yet for the first time in a long while, shes a girl I want to
get to know. Ness is challenging and clever; interestingly different. And Id like to understand why
she chose the path she has, limiting herself when shes such a smart girl.
Since Matt isnt seeing Abby anymore, I know I wont come across Ness unless I look for her. The
sprawling campus deceptively hides the number of students who attend and because Abby isnt in my
department, Im unlikely to come across her either. Despite my interest in Ness, Im unsure about
finding her and giving the wrong impression. The last thing I need is a full-blown relationship and if
you chase a girl, thats what they think will happen. In my experience. No. Its better if I try and forget
her instead.
So back to my old haunts and habits. Pubs, alcohol and blurry memories of the night before.
Bodies vie for spots at the bar and the air is thick with heat when I arrive at the Union with my
drinking buddies. Our pub crawl began a couple of hours ago, the progress predictable - drunk,
giggling girls and Matts voice already twice as loud as usual. A couple of the girls in our group
catch my interest but my reputation precedes me, because Im not having a lot of luck with them. Oh
well. I scan the bar for suitable alternatives.
An altercation takes place at the end of the bar and Matts head is in the midst of a group of girls. I
sigh. His big mouth and alcohol are a lethal combination. Hes either hitting on someone who isnt
interested, or a past conquest caught up with him.
Abby pushes out of the group, towards me, but stalks straight by. Okay . I twist around to watch her
go and someone else bumps into me from behind.
Sorry.
Ness passes me, following her friend. Neither girl registered me, so Im either on their avoid list
or they didnt notice. The way Abby pushes through people and slops her drink, I doubt shes paying
any attention.
And Ness.
Holy crap .
Her dress hugs the curves I caught glimpses of in the times we were together. Mentally I kick
myself at not getting my hands on her body, because I can now see how goddamn hot she is. Watching
her rear as she walks away, a memory of Ness leaning into her car the first morning skips happily into
my mind. I search again for the reason I havent bothered contacting her.
Lucys the reason. Taking up too much space in my life again. Interrupting me. Well, not tonight.
Ness is here, Im here, so it makes sense we should pick up where we left off. To my alcohol-fueled
brain the decision makes sense, anyway. I follow and, just in case, I switch off my phone and tuck it
away.
I weave in and out of the bodies and finally spot the two friends sitting at a round metal table in a
quieter corner, at the opposite end of the Union. Ness rubs her friends back, leaning into her face and
cajoling the tearful girl. As Ness leans forward, the tops of her breasts push free from the thin

material and bunch together. And there it is. Instant hard-on. Crap. I cant saunter over like this.
As if she has some kind of sixth sense for guys perving her, Ness looks up and catches sight of me.
I walk over; standing here and staring would be way creepier.
Wheres your bastard friend? snaps Abby, which of those girls is he screwing?
Woah . I dont know.
Ness shoots me a look. I think I just made one of those men dont understand women mistakes.
Oh! Abby shrieks, so he is screwing one of them.
Ness pokes her tongue into her cheek as she watches me. Okay, I get what I said wrong now.
Um, I glance to Ness for guidance and she imperceptibly shakes her head. None. I dont think.
What about you? Which one are you screwing? she continues.
What? Ness and I say in unison.
Well, its your fault! Hes only copying you! She hiccups.
Hes a big boy, makes his own decisions.
Abby, lets go home. Ness touches her friend on the shoulder and Abby shrugs her hand off.
No, I want to watch. See what hes doing. Who hes doing.
I dont think thats a good idea, says Ness, and I voice my agreement.
No! We came for a night out! Hes not spoiling it! She knocks back the contents of the half empty
glass. What do you want? Ill get them, she says to Ness.
Im okay for a drink. Maybe I should go to the bar
Or Ill get you one? I offer. The look on Abbys face indicates my association with Matt has
dragged me into the depths of hell. Or not.
Ness covers her mouth and I can see amusement in her eyes. Pushing back her stool, Abby stands
and walks to the bar. A different bar to the one Matt is at, thank god.
Why are you laughing? I ask Ness.
The situation.
I hover, focusing my eyes away from any body part which could earn me a slap if I linger my gaze
there. Her eyes meet mine, theyre swimming a little.
She sips her drink. Are you staying or loitering?
I wasnt sure Id be welcome. I pull out the stool opposite her.
Why? You havent done anything wrong.
No, I never got the chance. True.
I set down my drink and sit opposite her. Ness studies each move I make, watching my hands as I
take a drink.
Hows poetry class? she asks.
Fine. Hows the battery farm?
Painful.
Funny we should have a greeting, a shared joke. I didnt think you came to the Union? Hated
being amongst the student masses?
I dont but Abby insisted. Shes not been out since your friend dumped her so I couldnt say no.
Shed probably have locked herself in her bedroom with ice-cream for another two weeks.
I grin at her Ness view of the world. Having fun yet?
Immense. Nothing brightens an evening like watching your best friend make a drunken
embarrassment of herself.
This girl amuses me, Ive missed talking to her and wish Id not avoided her. Hopefully I havent
blown my chances completely. She was eager enough when we kissed. Nesss vanilla perfume hangs

in the air evoking a memory of holding her, tasting her and the softness of her lips. Im staring at her
mouth again and Ness looks confused.
You look good tonight, I say.
Her eyes narrow slightly. Thank you.
You do. I thought girls liked compliments?
So, which girl are you screwing?
Ness and her out of the blue questions. Im caught off guard. None. No-one. Recently. And lets
not start playing that broken record again.
A smile edges onto her face. I told you before, go the poetry option, if youre not having any
success. Girls love that crap.
Youre funny, Ness.
Ness takes a drink and looks at the table, I cant figure out what Ive said wrong. I tip my head
trying to catch her eye.
And youre strange, she says, looking directly into my eyes, in the unsettling way she does.
Strange?
Ness rubs her lips together, and sips from her glass. Her cheeks are flushed; shes drunk. That
night. When you ran away. And now youre sat here talking to me again.
Oh shit . The kiss.
I didnt run away. I had to go.
Who called?
I shake my head, No-one. It wasnt important.
Not important But you had to go. Okay. None of my business, I guess. Ness cranes her neck,
searching the crowd for someone or something.
Now I know Ive said something wrong, and I am aware what this time. I told her she was
unimportant. Way to go, Evan.
Serendipity. I say to her.
She snorts as she turns back to me. Whats that? Word of the day?
That I saw you tonight. When Ive been thinking about you.
Ness sinks back in her seat. Wow, you use the dictionar y and poetry in your seduction
techniques.
If you stopped behaving as if I was going to try and tear your clothes off at the first opportunity,
we might have an actual conversation. Get to know each other.
You want to get to know me?
Ness sits up and tips her head to one side. Her face is flushed but I think thats the alcohol and not
me. Im not drunk but the few beers in my system are making me admit things Ive not considered. I
do. Yes.
The weird something from before hovers in the air again, our barriers wavering.
Why? she asks.
Because youre different to other girls.
Ness chokes on her drink. Are you resorting to clichs now?
No.
Leaning forward she says, Because Im a challenge?
I lean forward in response. No, because youre Ness. And I like you and Im sorry I never got in
touch before.
Our heads almost touch as her eyes search mine, gauging my bullshit meter. Really?

Really.
Ness sits back, takes a drink and keeps her eyes on me. I need to look after my pissed friend, she
says.
Okay, can we meet up? Maybe tomorrow?
Im waiting for her reply when Abby returns. Ive changed my mind! Lets go! I dont want to be
in the same city as him!
Ness shrugs at me as Abby pulls her up. As she leaves, Ness walks backwards and calls out to me.
Shame, I was looking forward to the poetry. She turns away again.
Im not the only male gaze on her beautiful, round ass and undoubtedly not the only male in the
room wanting to get her out of that dress. Abby and Ness stop briefly to chat to a group and one of the
guys touches Ness on the arm. The jealousy hitting me takes me by surprise. My resolve over not
chasing Ness is edged out by the discomfort of seeing another guys hands on her; I dont think
forgetting about Ness is a possibility anymore. Shes a risk Im willing to take.

Chapter 11

NESS
Abby drags me home, and for once I dont want to leave at the end of one of Abbys nights out.
The tiny part of me that had wished Evan would be at the Union was evidently bigger than I thought,
because seeing him again brightened my evening. I hate to admit the fact but its true. Maybe because
instead of just looking at me as a prospective conquest, he held a conversation with me. Other guys
came on to me tonight, and male attention flattered me. But Evan told me he wanted to get to know me.
Which puts him in a different box to the one I originally placed him in. Im confused.
Abby foregoes the ice cream for wine and chips. And yet another viewing of her favorite chick
flick. I think thats her problem, someone forgot to tell her reality isnt like the movies. I cant stand to
watch the same movie again so I curl up in the sofa, head in a book.
I also think I had one too many vodkas, the words on the page are blurring. Im reading one of
Abbys romance books. Ridiculous girls, falling for buff men, who can magically give the girl
multiple orgasms the first time they get down and dirty. No wonder Abby is delusional.
Abbys phone rings and I jump out of the book, about to get into the steamy part. She puts down the
bag of chips and picks her phone up, licking salt off her fingers as she looks at the screen.
Bastard.
She puts it down again. The phone rings out, then starts again. A feeling of dj vu comes over me.
But I doubt Abby will kiss me like Evan did.
Going to answer that?
Its him. Dick brain.
I kind of got that. But if you dont tell him to stop, he might keep ringing. All night .
Abby pulls the blanket up to her neck. Nope. She throws the phone at me. You answer it.
Youre not twelve! I switch the phone off and put it on the table.
An hour later, the doorbell rings. Abby pauses the television and her arm hovers in the air, remote
outstretched.
Abby! Matts voice. Something crashes against the door. Not a fist. Probably his whole body.
I look at frozen Abby. No response. I groan.
Matt, come on. Lets go.
My stomach twists at the sound of Evans voice.
Oh yay, its both of them, says Abby.
One of them hammers on the door. Abby! Baby! Let me talk to you!
The banging takes on a rhythmic beat. I cant stand the noise for longer than a few minutes and give

in, open the door. Predictably, Matt falls through the door onto the carpet. Evan hangs behind him,
leaning against my car.
Take him home? I ask. I dont think Abbys interested.
I tried. Hes out of it, refuses to listen.
Try harder.
Evan steps forward into the light of the doorway and pushes past me, the rough cotton of his jacket
scraping my face. I catch a hint of Evans scent, sending memories of his kiss scattering across my
mind.
Come on, man, youre not wanted. Evan grabs Matts shirt and pulls him into a sitting position.
Guys frequently say how pathetic girls are after break ups. In my experience, scenes like this occur
more with guys than girls. Sure, girls sometimes cry and eat junk food until theyre sick, but in the
privacy of their own homes. Pathetic, blubbering messes like Matt? Thats a guy thing. Matt mumbles
something to himself.
Abby remains on the sofa, no use whatsoever, blanket tucked under her chin. I give her credit for
not rushing over to Matt and welcoming him back into her life. But this doesnt solve the problem of
what to do with him.
How pissed is he? I ask Evan.
Do you even need to ask? Im surprised he made it here.
You couldve stopped him.
Evan leans against the front door, pushing his hair from his face. Yeah, right. He weighs twenty
pounds more than me and his determination outweighs my upper body strength.
I consider the eloquence of Evans words. Hes not as drunk as his friend. Good job youre here
to look after him.
Story of my life, he mutters.
Matt slumps back to the floor.
Sorry. I did try and stop him, I was worried what he might get himself into. He pokes the now
snoring mass with his boot. I think hes harmless now.
A strange noise escapes the blanketed figure behind me, and a wailing Abby disappears upstairs.
Evan blinks and I tip my head to indicate the empty bottle of wine besides the chip packets.
A loud burp from Matt alerts Evan and he crouches back down.
Fuck my life, says Evan as he maneuvers Matt into the recovery position. The ease in which he
does this suggests hes had practice.
Do you want a drink? I ask, unsure what we do now.
Water, please. Evan sits back on his heels.
When I return from the kitchen with the water, Evan is sitting in the armchair, staring at the ceiling.
Will he be okay? I pass him the water.
Yeah.
Youre a good friend.
He makes a small noise in his throat. Yeah, too good. Who knows how long itll take for him to
come round.
Stay here. Youre welcome to the sofa.
He turns his brown eyes to mine. Maybe I should go. I dont know.
Staying has never bothered you before. Our sofa was your new best friend a few weeks ago.
I feel awkward now. He looks down at Matt again.
Awkward is the best word to describe the whole situation, from inebriated guy on the floor, to the

unspoken situation with Evan.

Because you kissed me? I ask, surprised by my words.
Partly.
This newer side to Evan intrigues me. Caring for his friend like this. Asking me out in the Union.
The guy I thought Evan was wouldve left Matt and sloped home with a girl. He didnt. And now my
softening heart - and a lot of vodka - means I want to kiss him again.
I flop onto the sofa and look at him. Got some poetry for me, bad boy Byron?
The troubled look on his face is replaced by curious interest and he moves to the edge of the sofa
arm. Like I did, last time we were in this situation.
I dont bite, I say.
He grins. Thats predictable.
Theres something cute about the way he remembers our old conversations. Most guys dont even
listen. Evan drops into the small gap between me and the edge of the sofa. His muscled thigh pushes
against mine and my arm is trapped against his side. I wriggle uncomfortably and he shifts around to
look at me.
So, can we continue our conversation from the Union? he asks.
Im overwhelmed by the sensation of his body touching mine, wishing my breathing would return
to normal. He makes me dizzy, and with the alcohol flowing inside me, I want to lean into him and
hope he kisses me.
Sure. I say instead.
I have something I want to say to you, Ness.
I can smell spicy him, evoking memories of sitting in exactly the same place once before. Apart
from last time with his lips on mine. What?
I let you get the wrong impression about me, and I wish I hadnt.
I focus on his mouth. I dont care, just kiss me again . Mmm?
He pulls his head back a little. Youre quite monosyllabic tonight.
Thats a big word for 1 AM on a Saturday morning.
Evan smiles and reaches out a hand, fingers touching my face. And that is one of the reasons why
I want to get to know you. Youre soyou.
I cant concentrate on anything apart from his touch and remembering to breathe. But I have a
nagging question. How many girls have you had sex with since you came to Leeds?
One.
I expected a retort at my intrusion into his sex life, but I have my reasons for wanting to know.
One?
Thats the truth. Youve seen the state I get into. How many times would I have been capable,
even if I wanted to? I was so bloody wasted I fell asleep most times I had the chance.
I giggle. Quietly at first, and then I start snorting in an unladylike manner.
Whats so funny? Evans smiling too, and laughing at me.
Those poor girls, getting a piece of Evans sexy fit body and then you pass out.
Youre a maddening girl. He gets hold of my face and holds me so I have to look directly at him.
Maddening? Kiss me. Now.
You are so smart and so funny and its wonderful.
Wonderful? Now. Please .
Because you dont care. You do what you want and dont let anyone stop you. You dont pretend
to be something youre not.

I take hold of one of his hands and move it from my face, lacing my fingers through his. In his eyes,
the intent is barely hidden behind his seductive words.
Evans mouth hovers close to mine, his warm breath on my skin. The effect on me is weird,
different to before, with other guys. Abby once told me she met this guy who didnt even need to touch
her and she got aroused. At the time, I concluded Abby was exaggerating. Now I think maybe there is
something primal, where that can happen between two people. Because the heat floods through my
body towards the surface, searing where his hand touches my face.
Evans eyes focus on my mouth. Sorry I left last time.
Who said I was inviting you to stay last time?
Okay, sorry. But I did kiss you goodbye.
Is he teasing me again? Because Evans mouth remains a tantalizing distance from mine, and hes
not kissing me. I shift, trying to disguise my rapid breathing and realize hes waiting for me to make
the move. Fine. I place my mouth on his, wriggling into him. Evan winds his hand into my hair, and
gently holds my head to his, kissing me lightly, lips sparking power across my skin.
Our position on the sofa allows me to lean against Evan, half on top of him and I push myself into
him, not taking my mouth from his. Evans arms wind around my waist and pull me closer. Where Im
lying on him, I can feel his erection against my thigh. Wow. Ive hardly touched him - maybe I do the
same to him? I pull my head back and meet his eyes, the hungry look I expected is held in them.
Are you pinning me down so I cant leave this time? he asks.
I smile. No. You can go now.
I think Ill wait for Matt to wake up.
With strong, rough hands he holds my face again and his tongue darts into my mouth. He tastes less
of beer than last time. Our teeth collide and I move away from him, holding my mouth. He watches as
the dress rides up over my legs.
The short black dress isnt very decorous when it comes to lying on top of a man. But Im not
behaving very decorously. Evans hand slides up my leg, stroking gently.
And Ive definitely had too much vodka but screw it. Hes here and hes fucking hot and its my
choice. Ill deal with the emotional fall out later. I dont know if its the alcohol, or the sexual
confidence Ive found from tonight - guys watching me in the Union and Evan wanting me - but I make
a snap decision.
Do you want to make it two? I ask.
Two?
Girls. Youve slept with in Leeds.
Ive seen the look on Evans face before, the night in the pub when his mask slipped a few
seconds. He hesitates.
Ness
Youre saying no? I remove my hand from where Im trailing fingers across his muscled
stomach.
Honestly, I dont know what to say.
I tug him towards me by his shirt. Im a bit drunk and a lot reckless but what the hell, its about
time I had some fun. How about you hit me with some poetry, I hear the girls really
Ness. Shut up. He drags me onto him and crushes his mouth on mine, the breath sucked from my
lungs as the urgency of his kiss overwhelms me. The tiniest amount of self-control I had just
disappeared.

Chapter 12

EVAN
When Matt pulled his stunt tonight, I almost managed to stop him. At one point I calmed him down
enough to edge him towards the bus stop. Apparently the pull to see the girl he dumped several weeks
ago became too much, and he staggered off. Hed be an easy target for any lurking gangs looking for a
student to bash, so I didnt have a bloody choice. I followed him.
Man, I was fucking furious, I wanted to continue my evening into the city with our mates. But now I
could run downstairs and kiss him. Because Ness, spilling out of her sexy dress, and taking control, is
straddling me as I lie on her bed. She leans over, and as she kisses my neck her soft hair tickles my
face. I want to ask her why shes doing this, but know asking girls why is a bad idea. And she might
stop.
Ness pulls her mouth away and sits back up, running a finger down my chest. Deftly, she unbuttons
my shirt, her delicate fingers warm on my skin. Pushing the shirt to one side, Ness places her warm
lips on the cool of my chest and her tongue darts out, licking me.
Holy crap, Ness, I growl and tip her over so shes lying on the bed. Im trying to keep control
of myself here.
She looks up at me, hair splayed on the bed behind her. Why?
Because I dont want to be accused of anything tomorrow.
I wont accuse you of anything. I want to do this.
Im fighting with myself, with the whole respect thing girls go on about. Situations like this confuse
the hell out of me.
Ness
So you dont want to?
Nesss eyes shine as her hands slide my shirt off my shoulders. She digs her fingers into the sinew
before tracing lightly down the center of my body, towards the edge of my jeans. My heart slams
against my chest, and the blood pools away from my head. I am so damn hard, it hurts.
I squeeze her thigh through her dress and push the material up, sliding my hand around her waist
and pulling her into me. Im used to girls giggling, and wriggling around but she stares at me with an
amused determination on her face. I need to step it up a notch.
Jeez, Ness, of course I want to
The strap of her dress pushes down easily and I nip her shoulder with my teeth, nudging my nose
into her neck. Ness makes a small noise, low in her throat as I trace kisses towards the top of her
breasts. My fingers slide along her warm skin, following the direction of my mouth. As I reach her

breast, I rub her nipple through the lace of her bra and Ness pushes herself into me. I hook the other
strap of her dress down and she shifts so I can move the dress to her waist. Easing down the fabric, I
follow the dresss path to the floor with small kisses on her impossibly soft, fragrant skin. Ness tugs
my hair, pulling me back upwards, towards her face.
I swallow and meet her eyes. God, I hope shes not about to change her mind.
****
NESS
Evan looks down at my half naked body, and hesitates. I prop myself up on my elbows and look at
him kneeling shirtless on the floor. The light from the open curtains highlights the curves of his abs
and it takes every ounce of control not to throw myself at him.
Evans going to change his mind, maybe he doesnt like what he sees because hes not touching me
anymore. Whats wrong? I ask.
Evans eyes shine. Im worried you wont respect me in the morning.
I open my mouth to reassure him, then see the hint of a smile curving Evans lips. Okay, go home
if you want to, Ill just go to bed.
Eyes fixed on his, I reach my hands behind my back, and unclasp my bra, pushing the unwanted
item to one side. I want his mouth on me again, his body covering mine. Every touch, every caress
sends intense desire to have him possess me. Lets see if he wants to leave now...
Evan exhales my name and suddenly his hands are back on me, heading towards my breasts, and
his tongue trailing back up my stomach. His mouth caresses my breast, and he sucks my nipple into his
mouth. I dig my nails into his shoulders as the pleasure buzzes into me and I tighten my legs around
him. In response, he nudges my knees apart and I push myself against him, feeling how hard he is
behind the barrier of his jeans.
Evan kneels again, and pulls my legs towards the edge of the bed, kissing from my ankle to my
thigh. I tense. Holy crap , I know what hes about to do. He gently strokes me through my cotton
panties before slowly pushing them down. Jolts tear through my body as he teasingly dips a finger
inside me. I gasp for air, as his thumb rubs against me too, the sensation overwhelming me. Im barely
coping with the pleasure from his fingers, when his warm breath hovers against me, tongue stroking
my clit.
Oh my god, Evan!
I wriggle in pleasure but he grips my hips, pins me to the bed. Still holding me with one hand, he
relentlessly laps at me, moving his fingers inside. My body takes me by surprise, my orgasm sudden
and dizzying, and Im left a tingling mess panting on the bed.
Evan moves upwards, kissing my belly and breasts with feathery kisses. I grab his hair and pull
him towards my mouth. Evans breathing is ragged and eyes dark, questioning me. I fumble with his
belt buckle and the questioning in his face turns to understanding.
We dont have to do this yet, he says.
I know. But I want to.
Evan moves away I lie with my eyes closed, missing the heat of his body on mine and trembling. I
dont think I ever wanted Josh as much as I do Evan right now. I hear rustling as he takes off his jeans,
then the rip of a condom wrapper, and push aside the connotations of Evan carrying condoms he has

easy access to.

Are you sure, Ness? he whispers, leaning over me a few seconds later.
If you dont stop asking me, Ill think you dont want to, I growl.
And I dont believe a simple yes will assure him so I dig my nails into his back, sliding my hands
to his backside.
Oh god, of course I want to, Ness, youre amazing, Evan whispers against my ear as he pushes
himself gently into me.
He looks down at me with a barely controlled need Ive seen in guys before, then lowers his face
to mine. Convinced hed be one of those guys who pins you down and grunts into the bedclothes,
Evan surprises me. He covers my face and any visible skin he can reach with kisses, sending the
buzzing sensation through my whole body. Carefully, he moves inside me, holding himself back and I
cant stand it.
Evan, please
I dig my hands into his skin, gripping him to me, wanting to consume every part of him as he does
me. Evan finally lets go, losing himself in his own pleasure as he thrusts with the urgency Ive been
waiting for.
Afterwards, Evan wraps his arms around my waist and we spoon on the bed, pulling my sheets
over our glowing bodies. The damp heat on his chest cools and Evans heart hammers into my back. I
trace my fingers along the muscles in his forearms and lean forward to kiss his skin. Being here, held
in the aftermath of the best sex Ive had in a long time, warms me as much as his embrace.
I told you, he says in my ear.
What?
Evan fits into Vanessa.
I make a mock gasp and turn to hit him playfully. Evan laughs at me and catches my hand before I
can make contact with his skin. He laces his fingers through mine.
Or maybe the other way round. Because your hand fits in mine, as if it were made for me.
Kissing my palm, he rests my hand over his heart. I lie down and snuggle into his chest, listening to
his heart rate slow as we drift to sleep.

Chapter 13

NESS
Evan is in my bed when I wake up. The cynical side of me expected him to disappear in the night. I
climb out and push our clothes into a pile with my toes as I slip on my robe. Evan is lying with his
arm above his head, his face soft with sleep. His smooth chest is eminently kissable and I have to
fight the desire to sneak back into bed and wake him up. Before I do anything like that, I decide I need
to gauge the situation. A strong coffee will help the thought process.
I return with two warm mugs and find Evan sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing only his jeans.
Hes facing away from me, ear pressed to his phone. I admire the muscles knitting in his back, marred
a little by some nail marks. Heat flares through me at the memory of the night before.
Everything okay? I ask.
Evan starts and twists his head round. Yeah He puts the phone on the top of my drawers. He
doesnt sound sure.
Handing him the coffee, I perch next to him, tense.
Are you okay? he asks.
I think so. Crap , this was bound to be awkward.
Evan takes the mugs from my hands and sets both on the drawers next to his phone. He brushes my
tangled hair from my eyes. I hope so.
My lips are swollen from last night, face smarting from where his stubble scratched me but as he
kisses me, his taste reawakens everything. I could so easily lose myself in him again.
Evan pulls back and rests his head on mine. So, do you still respect me?
I smile. Maybe.
Evan reaches for his T-shirt and I want to pout at him for getting dressed. So, we should go on a
date now? Thats if you want to, now youve got what you want from me?
Yeah, well I examine my nails. If I have time, Ill call you.
We look at each other and laugh, an easygoing understanding. He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Seriously, though. I want to take you out somewhere.
Abbys bedroom door bangs as she crosses the hallway. Evan looks up. Is Matt still
downstairs?
The change of pace drags me back to the here and now. Id almost forgotten about Matt. No.
I should try and find him
My plan to keep Evan in my bed today dissipates. Then I remember Im working this afternoon
anyway. Real life sucks. Regret at my rejection of a student existence tugs at me.

Okay. I hope hes not making excuses.

Evans phone rings and he jumps, eyes darting towards it. No, not this again.
Popular guy, I say.
Yeah, I switched it off last night.
Evan drains his coffee, picks up his phone and stands to leave. A sick feeling replaces my happy
afterglow.
He bends over me, takes my face in his warm hands and kisses me softly. Ive got to find Matt.
But Ill call you about going out. Are you free tonight?
I nod, even though I doubt hes going to look for Matt.
Evan may have switched his phone off last night but something pulls him back to it now. Someone.
****
EVAN
I knock repeatedly on Matts door until he swears at me and I know hes back safely. Later well
have the discussion, no way am I getting caught between the two lovers again. Sure, the evening
ended well for me. Extremely well. But I dont want to be running around looking out for people.
I think of Ness while I shower, summoning up images of her - us - as the warm water washes over
me. To say the events were unexpected is an understatement. And I dont know how I feel about
everything. About her. Shes gorgeous, sexy and oh so clever but I dont know what to do. Being with
her is comfortable, the sparring fun, but I worry about things getting intense. I respect her and Ill let
her know what Im thinking, how I dont want a relationship.
Maybe Im over-thinking things like a girl would. Maybe she only wants me for my body. I laugh at
the idea, even when girls say they only want a physical relationship, they cant keep things that way.
Well have some fun, see how things go. The sex was mind-blowing and thats a good enough reason
to keep going. Ill call her.
I pull on a clean t-shirt and jeans, look at my phone screen. Crap . Out of charge. I plug in the
phone and a number appears on the screen.
Hes not called me for weeks. And hes been trying for an hour.
Fuck .
I sit on the bed and stare, knowing what this means. Why cant he deal with her instead of dragging
me back into the mess? But if hes calling, theres a reason. I dial the number.
Whats going on? I ask.
You need to come back. His voice is agitated, music blaring in the background.
Why? I cant.
I cant cope, Evan. You have to come and help me. The speech is slurred. Its eleven am.
Youre in the fucking pub ? Thats not going to help!
Evan, please. I wouldnt ask but
Wouldnt ask? Hes done nothing but ask. Every time, dumping this shit on me. Making me
responsible.
No.
The music fades as he moves. If you dont come back, I dont know what shes going to do.
Dont you fucking start! Her guilt trips are bad enough without you starting.

What if she disappears again? Ive told her to wait, that youll come and see her. Shes been
looking for you.
Yeah, I know. She tried calling a couple of weeks ago. I thought shed given up.
And I didnt tell her where you are, which I couldve done.
Emotional blackmail. My mind circles around my options. The desperate desire to cling onto my
present and not be dragged back there. To the past. I havent been back to Lancaster since I left. Have
zero desire to.
I cant do it.
Im desperate. Or I wouldnt call. Evan, please. Help me out here.
I draw in a huge breath and hold it until the lack of oxygen makes me dizzy. He sounds so drunk,
pathetic. Desperate. I let the breath out and bang my head against the wall.
If I come back, its for the weekend only.
Unwanted memories follow me into the car, and call me back to Lancaster. To the past and away
from my new life. Because of Lucy. Suddenly I remember my present. Pulling my phone from my
pocket, I text an apology to Ness, tell her Ill call after the weekend. Explaining is too hard right now.

Chapter 14

NESS
The text from Evan shouldnt be a surprise but the words are still a punch in the gut.
Embarrassment not anger is my immediate emotion - I did the seducing, this wasnt a case of letting
myself go too far after a drunken night out. I knew Evans history and before I did anything with him, I
told myself this would be the outcome. A glimmer of trust appeared after his behavior the morning
after, when he arranged to meet me. An outright thanks and goodbye wouldve been preferable, why
lie? I never took Evan for a coward.
The odds of the Ill call you next week occurring seem slim. One good thing, I havent told Abby
what happened so Ive saved myself humiliation there.
Despite efforts to push the hurt away, my mind-numbing job leaves my brain space to mull over the
encounter. Typical insecurities sneak in. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? But seriously, would
anything I did or didnt do matter? I dont want a friends with benefits relationship, so screw him. Oh
yeah, I already did...
The weekend passes by, and my peace with the situation gradually increases, as I repeatedly
remind myself this was all my own doing.
Monday comes and goes, and despite my attempts to not think about him, each time my phone rings
my heart skips. Of course he doesnt call. Or on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. By Thursday the
hyperventilating every time I hear my ring tone ceases.
Since Matt arrived on our doorstep, Abby has returned to her old life but not gone back to him. I
think something about his weakness bolstered her - hes called her everyday and she smiles each time
she cancels his call. Fantastic shes moved on, not so great as this means a new set of students
invading the house.
A text from Evan arrives out of the blue a few days later and I stare at the words blankly. His
motivation puzzles me and I decide hes looking for more sex. Maybe his killer body and poetry are
failing him. I smile at the memory of our banter, Evans quick-wittedness hiding the typical male
psyche underneath. I ignore him.
Since that text is the only one he sends, I conclude my suspicions were right.
Im still getting crap at work about sales figures and Im over the pressure there too. The idea of
leaving and traveling for a year becomes more tempting each day. Research on my laptop encourages
the idea - plenty of girls go it alone, meet up and travel together. What do I have to lose?
I have some serious thinking to do about life, and removing myself from everything for a few
months could bring the clarity I need. Working in this job is clearly not the right path but no way will

I enroll into university with an I told you so from my parents. I have to at least try and show them
theres more to life than the one they want me to have. Pictures of foreign beaches and blogs about
travel adventures fill my spare time. Hell, maybe I wont even come back.
****
EVAN
Lucy and the past screw life up even from a distance. My foolish belief leaving Lancaster, and the
nightmare of the last few years behind, is possible goes. Dutifully, I return to help, pulled straight into
the old ways and old emotions. I vowed never to put myself through the pain again; Lucy isnt my
responsibility. But I care too much. How can I not?
Sitting in my old room, looking at the Pennines in the distance, I cant breathe. Trapped again.
Getting away again once Lucy sucks me back is hard; a week goes by before I escape back to Leeds.
The student environment is alien after the events of my week away, and I cant reconnect. The
cloud of Lucy pulls me down still and I want to see Ness. Nobody else in Leeds has a connection to
me like her; shes also on the edge of the world Im struggling to return to. I can relax around her, be
more like myself. Or as much as I can be around someone else. Everyone I talk to at uni holds onto
their old lives, talk excitedly about their past. Ness understands, shes like me. The control of the past
needs to be escaped. Childhood is gone.
My text gets ignored. I cant blame her. The idea of contacting her while I was away crossed my
mind a couple of times but the need to keep the two worlds separate stopped me calling. Big mistake.
So I guess our attachment is done with, and I need to try harder to reconnect with others. Switch
off Lancaster, turn on Leeds and hope Lucy stays where the hell she is.
****
NESS
The grey skies linger all day and the winter chill arrives sooner than in Cheltenham. Few leaves
litter the grassed areas of campus now, as autumn ends. The golden hues remaining on the trees lining
the path capture my attention, as the increasingly rare sunshine brightens the afternoon. I dont get out
of the car anymore when I come to pick up Abby because I dont want to bump into Evan. Several
weeks on, I think the event is dealt with in my mind, but seeing him would drag up the humiliation,
which wont quite leave me.
Some days, as I wait, I see guys who my jittery mind convinces me are Evan, until they get closer
and I see theyre not. Today the guy is definitely him. I recognize the jacket hes wearing and brown
hair flops into his eyes as he strides confidently across campus. Alone. Why did my heart jump a little
when I noticed he wasnt with a girl? I sink down in the car seat, praying he doesnt look over. My
fingers hover around the ignition but I chastise myself. What difference does it make if he sees me or
not?
Evan pauses to talk to someone, whoever they are, obscured by his tall frame. He steps to one side
and turns. Oh my god . Abby. They continue the conversation as he keeps glancing over at the car. I
feel sick, chest tightening. Dont come over. Please. I repeat the words like a mantra. When Abby

approaches alone, I exhale the breath Ive been holding. Disappointment twinges inside - my mantra
worked.
I just saw Evan, says Abby as she climbs in.
Yeah? How is he? I summon a breezy, nonchalant tone. I still havent told her what happened the
night he stayed.
Good, I think. He asked after you.
Mmm? My inability to speak comes out as a squeak.
Abby takes her gloves off. Did something happen? That night Matt came round?
Youve asked me before. Numerous times. No, it didnt.
Okay. My best friend sixth sense tells me otherwise. Youve gone white and your hands are
shaking.
I sit on my betraying hands. Saying anymore would confirm her suspicions.
He asked you to call him.
Why?
I dont know! Call him and ask! She pauses. Maybe he wants to get you into bed again.
Abby! I hastily turn the key in the ignition, and jam the car into gear.
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much, she says. And giggles.

Chapter 15

NESS
I dont call Evan. Abby says Im stubborn, playing hard to get. Whatever. Why would I open
myself up to him again? Im keeping out of all things male and all things student. As originally
intended.
The bookmarks tab on my laptop grows daily with Internet research on backpacking. By my
calculations, I should have enough money to go by spring. Six months. Half a year in my call center
life pains me but then I think some people will always work there. Im lucky to have the time and
opportunities I have.
I scroll through one of my favorite blogs, read an update on the girl whose adventures Im
following. Shes in Australia and the place looks amazing. The huge blue skies above her contrast
with the gray evening encroaching my life from now until spring and I sigh. Six months. Maybe I
should start a countdown. Create my own blog.
Someone knocks on the door and voices carry up the stairs. I glance at the clock. 7PM. Around the
time Abby goes out. Curiously, theres only one other voice. Male. Interesting, Ive not met the new
guy shes been talking about. Sneaking out of the room, I lean down the stairs to see him. And look
straight into Evans face.
My rear bumps onto the carpeted step, aware my own face has inflamed. Evan smiles warmly; not
his sexy grin but a friendly smile. His eyes are less confident than usual.
Hey, Ness.
I offer a small smile in return but Im dizzy and my stomach churns. Every minute of the night in
bed with him tumbles through my mind on fast forward, Im drawn to how damn sexy he looks without
even trying. He stands, hands buried in his pockets, blue jacket open.
Did Abby say I asked you to call? he asks.
I did, said Abby.
Oh. I thought you might call? he asks, I wanted to catch up.
Its a while since Ive seen you. And you couldve called me. Youve got my number. As I look
at his face, memories of those lips on mine and on my breasts resurface, and my face grows hotter.
I did try to contact you, he said quietly, but you didnt answer.
Eventually you did. And by text.
Okay! said Abby, I think Im going to finish getting ready to go out. She sweeps upstairs and
on the way past leans down. Be nice.
I trudge downstairs, wishing I wasnt makeup free and in mismatching clothes.

Hows work? he asks.

Shit. Hows poetry class?
Pretty good. Missed a few lessons when I was away.
Yeah? Didnt know they taught at weekends.
Evan perches on the arm of the sofa, steadying himself. I was away longer than the weekend,
Ness. I texted you when I got back.
Dont they have mobile reception in Lancaster?
Something in Evans face opens me to him. A haunted expression, as he blinks away whatever
thought crossed his mind. It was a difficult time.
Oh, crap . Maybe someone died. But its okay now?
Its not something I want to talk about.
Hidden secrets. Broken boy? Not my problem.
Anyway, you didnt call and you wouldnt reply to the texts I sent so I thought Id come round.
Why?
Evan tips his head, hair falling to one side. Why do people normally visit other peoples
houses?
Theres a whole number of reasons. I head to the kitchen, away from his maddening, physical
pull.
I came to see you. To talk to you. And apologize. Hes in the doorway, leaning on the frame,
mirroring the evening we first spoke. Apart from hes more upright than that first night.
You dont need to apologize.
I feel like a fucking clich, Ness. I slept with you, arranged to meet you then sent you an Ill call
you text.
Did you want a drink? I turn to the kettle.
Good idea, we can go for a beer.
Thats not what I meant.
Ness I turn back round, aware my hands tremble slightly. Evans hands are tucked under his
arms, folded across his chest. I know. Im asking you to come for a drink with me. To apologize.
I consider his offer. His explanation for not calling is semi-plausible. But he didnt say hed
explain.
I dont feel like going out tonight. And not with you.
He frowns, and I think its at himself and not me. Tomorrow?
I dont know.
Okay, how about I ask you on a date?
I lean against the sink. A date? Really? Youre not very good at keeping dates.
Im sorry, I fucked up. But I want to get to know you. I told you that before. We just got
interrupted.
Hes sucking me in again. Not by choosing to flash his sexy smile at me, but by his openness. His
admittance he did wrong.
I dont know My resolve wavers as he steps towards me, as if were being magnetically
pulled.
Please, Ness. At least let me apologize for hurting you.
You didnt hurt me, I snap, I knew what I was doing.
Okay I can tell he doesnt believe me. But youll come out with me tomorrow night?
Jeez he doesnt give up. Im working tomorrow night.

No problem, Ill pick you up around ten tomorrow morning.

He grins and turns, leaves before I have a chance to protest. As I switch the kettle on and wait for
the water to boil, I fight with myself, annoyed at how pleased I am he came over.
****
EVAN
Why cant I keep away from her? Doing the love them and leave them thing has never bothered me.
Not once. I dont do guilt. The longer I waited for her to get in touch, the more apparent it became she
wasnt going to. Im not used to this situation either - normally girls get on my back if weve gone as
far as sex, wanting more from me. Ironically, the first time I want a girl to, shes not bothered. Then I
saw Abby who was clueless whatd happened between me and Ness, but still gave me a hard time,
and the guilt over hurting Ness caught up with me. Ness was so close, sitting in her car but I wasnt
brave enough to go over. I hate confrontations, crying girls. But after seeing Abby, everything tumbled
back, all the feel good memories from being with Ness. So I gave in, decided to apologize and see
how I went.
When I knock on her door the next morning, Ness answers dressed in jeans and a baggy jumper.
Shes wearing lip-gloss, which I think is a good sign? Her shiny lips draw memories of kissing them.
That evening was so long ago now, so much happened in my life in between.
Where are we going? she asks as we head to my car.
I made a picnic.
Picnic? Ness looks at me as if Id told her were going to spend the day running naked though the
streets.
Sitting, eating food. Why, does picnic mean something else in the South of England?
No, I just wouldnt associate you with picnics. And its November.
She opens the car door and steps in, wrinkling her nose. I climb into the drivers seat. I really need
to clean my car, the fast food wrappers are taking over. The same greasy odor assaults me too.
I hope thats not the picnic I can smell, she says and smiles at me.
From that moment, I know Ive made the right decision.
****
NESS
The patchwork Pennines in the distance make a welcome change from the brick and concrete
views of the city. The move from Cheltenham to Leeds was jarring, swapping my green countryside
life for urban sprawl, and I took a while to readjust. Getting out of Leeds feels like taking a lungful of
fresh air.
Evan drives away from the city, the suburbs growing smaller until we hit the motorway. I eye the
road signs as we pass.
Youre not taking me to Lancaster, I hope?
His hands grip the wheel a little tighter. Definitely not.
I get the feeling you really hate the place.

Yeah.
A muscle twitches in his cheek. I want to ask why he went back but understand hes closed the
book on his old life as much as he can. Even after the mysterious visit. Same as me. My parents
wanted to come to see me and I refused. Despite leaving on okay terms, I dont want them entering
into my new life. Interfering.
And I dont want to break the news to Mum Ill be leaving the country for a few months. On my
own.
So, where are we going? I ask.
Theres a town I like. A world away from Leeds, but only a short drive.
His car isnt comfortable, springs begin to surface under the fabric and after an hour I shift around
uncomfortably. Our conversation dries up after half an hour, acknowledging we barely know each
other. I bite the inside of my mouth as the realization I slept with a guy I hardly know hits again. Some
of my grabs at independence arent well thought out. Besides, I dont know how to talk to him without
getting snarky. The words just come out that way. Im a little less pissed off with him now, but I dont
trust his motives.
Gradually the road begins to wind through the hilly countryside, lined by winter trees. We stop in a
beautiful mill town, parking by a park near the canal which cuts through the center of the stone built
houses.
Its so quiet, I say as he pulls a rucksack from the car boot. Amazing views.
The hills are closer now, the town cutting a path through the valley, stone walls crisscrossing the
fields above us.
Evan hitches the rucksack over his shoulder and grabs my hand. His cool fingers encircle mine and
my stomach lurches. I look down at his large hand around mine, arm stiffening.
Can I hold your hand? he asks, grip loosening.
After what we did in my bedroom, I think the hand holding stage has been skipped, so its odd for
him to ask me. I dont reply and I dont pull my hand away.
We wander silently along the towpath, where a long barge is wedged in the lock, water gushing in
to move the vessel down. We lean over the gate and watch, waving at the excited children on their
boat trip. As the barge settles onto the canal below, we continue along the path.
Were a world away, I say.
I thought youd like it here.
Evans choice of picnic spot is a wooden bench table beneath a tree. For once, the winter day is
sunny, taking the edge off the biting breeze. Im impressed by Evans collection of picnic food sandwiches, salads and cream cakes bought from the local bakers, still tucked into their paper bags.
He sets out two cups and a large bottle of orange juice with his long fingers. All the while I study
him; have I underestimated him? He has a blue scarf wrapped around his neck, his long hair touching
the edge. His cheeks are pink from the cold and theres a natural happiness in his face; as if the
weight of whatever follows him has gone for today.
Youre good at this, I say.
At what?
Picnics. Most guys wouldnt have any idea - Id have a bag of crisps and a can of coke.
His eyebrows dip. Ive always liked picnics. I just copy what we used to have when I was a
kid.
We never really did the whole picnic thing.
Then well have to go on plenty to make up for it.

He passes me a sandwich and the connotation of his words come with the bread. More time
together.
Thanks, he says, picking up a sandwich of his own.
For?
Agreeing to come out with me. I didnt want you to think I was one of those guys.
I knew what sort of guy you were when I chose to do it, Evan.
He shakes his head. Did someone hurt you? In the past? You have a low opinion of me. Of guys.
I rub my eyes. No more than usual teen break ups.
Maybe part of growing up involves accepting people make mistakes, life is more complicated.
Thats very deep.
Perhaps I should transfer to Psych. He smiles, a tug at one corner. What I mean is, were all
finding our way. And sometimes we get lost.
So you got lost the day you never called me back?
Pouring a drink into both cups, Evan sips from one. Yeah, like I said, I fucked up when I didnt
call you so I guess I did. But Im glad you let me find you again.
Evan chews on his lip as he looks at me, brown eyes clear. Not turning on seductive charms or
trying to impress me. Honesty.
The night I met Evan in the kitchen, the chances of ever being here having an intelligent
conversation were zero. The day I slept with him, the idea hed do more than notch me on his bedpost
remained with me. But hes reaching out to me, connecting with me. And I dont know why. All
relationships are inexplicable, every person we meet fated, but where fate leads I dont know. My
tendency to over think needs tucking away.
Are you saying you want to get to know me? I ask him.
Yes, as I said weeks ago. Nothings changed.
Will you let me get to know you?
Evan shifts in his seat and picks at his food. I guess. If you want to.
I place a gloved hand on his. Its not who you are that holds you back, its who you think youre
not.
He looks up at me under his lashes. Poetry?
No, probably read it on a Facebook status. But it sounds good, hey?
We share a smile of understanding; his hand curls around mine and squeezes. Yeah, sounds
good.
At the end of the afternoon, we walk back to the car. I dont want to leave this beautiful town, the
idea of a looming evening at the battery farm is unappealing. A day chatting with Evan crystallized the
reality of my life. Im isolating myself with the wrong choices. Lack of interaction at work has pulled
me into myself. And Evans pulling me out.
Ness.
Evan lets go of my hand as we approach the car and stops.
Are you okay? I ask, turning to him.
Evan reaches a hand out and strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. My breath catches as he
pulls me towards him with his other arm. Evan bends his head towards me, touching his lips ever so
gently on mine before pulling away again.
You are an amazing person, he says.
You hardly know me. One touch of his lips and my heart rate has doubled.
I wish I had your strength, to turn away and keep away from things that hurt you.

I suddenly see a little boy with pain in his eyes and realize he will let me get to know him. Hidden
Evan. Not knowing what to say, I brush my finger against his lips and smile. Theres a rawness to the
emotion in his face and voice which drags me into him. A gravitational pull into his life I never
expected.
I never intended to, but I place my lips against him and taste the sweet orange juice as he parts his
lips and I slide my tongue into his mouth. Our tongues tangle and he gently presses me against the car,
his hard thighs against mine as our bodies align. Theres no space between us and my head spins
again as his kiss reawakens the ecstasy of the night we tangled in my bed. This is safe; were in
public and the igniting desire inside can be contained.
As if aware, Evan pulls his head back and strokes my eyebrow with his rough thumb. I like
kissing you.
I rub my lips together, savoring the Evan taste and his scent on my clothes. I have to admit, I like
when you kiss me.
He cups my cheeks in his hands, dark brown eyes searching mine. That night together, it was
never just another night with another girl. I wanted it to be the first of many mornings I woke up with
you in my arms. Can we start again?
I dont reply, burrowing my face into his jacket to consider his words. Maybe its worth taking a
second chance on the guy who fills me with butterflies.

Chapter 17

EVAN
Three days with Ness. Of waking and wanting to be with Ness, even when I only saw her hours
ago. Our day away from our everyday lives extends into two more, and every moment I spend with
Ness cements me to her. She wants to be with me but doesnt want anything from me. The three days
weve spent together feels like three weeks, and each day we discover new things about each other,
tiny connections we never knew we had. Theres an easiness of being able to say nothing and just be.
Sometimes you need to lose someone to be able to find them.
Lucy fades into the background but she wont stay there. As if psychically knowing Im giving my
time to someone else, her calls start up again. Sometimes I forget to switch my phone off when Im
with Ness and I wish I could tell her who calls, wipe away the suspicion flickering across her face
each time I refuse to answer the phone. Lucy is the last part of my life I ever want Ness to know
about, but cant hide forever.
While Ness changes to go out for the evening, I wait on the sofa, which always reminds me of our
first evening. The day she took me to bed. Memories of those hours with her have replayed so much in
my head, Ive worn them out. And the images always have the same effect. So, I stop thinking,
greeting her with an erection would not get the evening off to a good start. Sex is off the agenda,
understandably. Frustratingly. If she pulls away, I stop, dont even try to go there. I think Ive blown
any chance of getting her into bed for a while. So I hold her and touch her as much as I can, so I can
take memories of the softness of her lips and warmth of her skin home with me. But when I lie alone
in bed at night, its recollections of the sensation of her breasts brushing my chest or my hands touch
on her beautiful backside, which obsess me.
Ness is in an odd mood today, back to being snarky. I have no idea why when everything has been
so awesome. I hope its time of the month stuff and not something Ive inadvertently done. Or Lucy.
You can never tell with chicks. Girls.
When we arrive at the pub, shes quiet. Contemplative. Oh, crap . After three days? I deliberately
lead her to the table we sat at before. I sit on the same red vinyl stool, at the same beer stained
wooden table and hold her hand. Maybe if she feels like we have our special spot we sit in, she might
warm to me more. Girls like that stuff, I think.
Im trying to read her but its tough. Like shes pissed off with me about something, but why come
out if she doesnt want to be around me? Ness doesnt take her coat off and she keeps pushing her
brown hair out of her face, irritated when it falls back in. I lean over and smooth Nesss fringe back.
Theres something I havent told you, Evan

Oh?
Im thinking of leaving.
Her words slam me in the chest. What the hell did I do? Leaving?
Yeah, saving up and traveling. I think she catches the confusion in my eyes. I planned this
before. Before us. I mean, before this.
I pull my mask back on and smile in encouragement. Where are you going? Sounds interesting.
Ness launches into an excited speech about her plans for the future. Every part of her transforms
with the enthusiasm she has for her idea - Ive never seen Nesss face so animated, eyes so bright. But
I understand. Her choices - the job - drag her down, and I realize I havent been getting to know the
real Ness at all. And Im jealous. Really bloody jealous. She can have whatever she wants; her past
is escapable. Hell, her past will pay for her escape.
Must be nice, I say when she pauses.
What?
Having money.
Her hands, which waved around, painting pictures of her adventures, stop. I earn my money. Her
animated features settle into hard lines.
You mean no-ones going to pay for your trip?
By no-one do you mean my parents?
Youre going to save it all?
Ness turns her unimpressed look to me. Is that beyond the realm of possibility.
Misunderstanding. Jealousy. Irritation. And were back to this. Ive lost her; her face clouds and
she takes a drink.
It doesnt matter. I take a drink too and consider how deeply Ive put my foot in it.
What do you think of me, Evan? she asks.
Its probably best we dont keep going with this conversation. Forget it.
I wish Id bitten my tongue, not let my hurt take over. Crap . Its not like were a real couple.
This is very reminiscent of the first time I spoke to you. I thought wed got past categorizing each
other. But what am I? Still see me as Daddys princess?
No, I think youve got an insecurity about your past, if you were a princess I doubt youd be
working in a call center. I dont think of you that way.
What about you? Your past? Whats your big insecurity following you around? Whats your
secret, Evan?
Ness has her eyes fixed on me now, and I know deep inside my stomach this is more than an
argument about our past lives. Something is behind her uneasy silence today.
Dont, I warn her.
Then dont ask me to open up to you. She drinks her beer in several gulps. I think I should go.
I put my hand on hers. Ness? Whats going on?
With impeccable timing, my phone rings. Ness glares at it, then at me. Answering it?
No.
She stands and I catch her arm. Sorry! I didnt mean to upset you. I just reacted badly to you
saying you were leaving. You took me by surprise.
We hardly know each other still. Like this. Whats this all about? Every day. Ness gestures at
the phone.
The phone rings again and I cancel the call.
What about you? Havent you done the same? Pigeon holed me? I ask.

She snorts. Into a guy that screws around because he has abandonment issues?
I curl my fingers around my phone, the metal crushing into my palm. Too far, Ness.
Ness leans over the table, breathing heavily. Her bright eyes startle me. Well, you screwed me
and never got in touch.
My ringtone interrupts my answer.
Answer it, for fucks sake! What is your issue with phones? she snaps.
I cancel the call and slam the phone on the table, blown away by her. And where this came from.
The last time I fought with a girl, she was a blubbering mess within seconds. Ness is poking straight
into my wounds, exposing her own at the same time without realizing. The way shes looking at me
now, I could do the clich thing they do in chick flicks - lean across the table and kiss her, tell her I
want her, tell her all my secrets. The thing is, I dont think Ness is a chick flick kind of girl. She sits
back on the stool. The tension between us is tight, Im willing her not to leave. Because Im not sure
shed ever come back. What the hell is going on with her?
Im concentrating on her so hard, I miss my phone ringing again. Ness snatches it off the table and
looks at the screen. Before I can take the phone off her, she sees the name. The anger in her face
melds into something else. Hurt? Disgust? I dont know. She holds her arm straight, phone centimeters
from my face.
Lucy wants to talk to you.
Put it down.
Your girlfriend wants you, she says in a cold voice.
Shes not my girlfriend, put it down.
The phone stops ringing and she turns it back to herself. Ness scrolls down the screen Lucy really
wants to talk to you, today alone shes tried twenty times.
Her demeanor could freeze the room.
You bastard, she says softly, I knew something was going on. Did you screw her and leave as
well?
No.
Ness stands and pulls her bag onto her shoulder. Ive had my suspicions. You and that fucking
phone, hiding hushed conversations from me.
I rub my hand down my face. Its not what you think.
Oh yeah, it never is, is it? I waited for you to explain to me and you didnt. So theres a reason,
isnt there, Evan?
All I can do is shake my head. The words wont come out. Why cant I tell her? I need to. Or shes
gone.
She makes a derisive noise. See, you have no explanation. I dont understand why you decided to
screw around with my feelings. Call your girlfriend or whoever she is. And keep the hell away from
me.
****
NESS
Im angry. Really fucking angry. But with myself, for letting him suck me into his lies. How long
was he going to keep going for? Until he screwed me again? The next few days I mull over the whole

Evan episode. Men say women are confusing but I dont understand his game. Either Lucy has been in
his life all along, at least since the night he kissed me, or hes a serial heartbreaker who chooses girls
inclined to stalk him afterwards. Twenty calls in one day. Jeez. Thats crazy, the girl should get the
hint.
Well, he neednt worry about me stalking him, Im out of this. My crazy was my hormones, and
theyre under control now.
The first day I receive texts and calls from Evan, which I dont answer. How ironic. After a day he
gives up, and so easily this hurts me more. Then I start obsessing over who Lucy is. She could be any
one of his number of conquests - I wonder how recent. I waited for him to explain the calls. But he
didnt. Then I think back to the first time he kissed me and the phone calls. The same girl? She could
be an ex from home, which explains his trip to Lancaster.
Whoever she is, shes persistent.
I come home from another crappy day at work to find the kitchen overflowing with dishes and
rubbish. The bitchiness at work gets worse as my withdrawal from bothering to interact with anyone
there increases. I contemplate leaving but I need the money for going away. So I stick pictures of the
countries I intend to visit all over my cubicle and when a particularly awkward customer calls, I
focus on Australia. Or India. Or anywhere with no call centers, students or Evans.
And then I come home to this bullshit. The house is littered in dirty mugs, empty pizza boxes and
clothes strewn around. Abby only has four hours of class a day and Im sick of her laziness. This
house share idea has threatened our friendship from day one. Its a good thing Im going soon.
An envelope is propped against the kettle, my name scrawled on the front. At first, I think the note
is from Abby but the writing isnt familiar.
I open the envelope and inside is a card with a painted picture of a blue butterfly on the front.
Inside is blue handwriting:
I almost wish we were butterflies and livd but three summer days - three such days with you I
could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.
Tears spring into my eyes and I blink rapidly, furious with my reaction. Beneath the text, more
words.
I want to tell you about Lucy. Evans name is signed underneath, spiky letters.
I lean on the sink, attempting to catch my breath and the tears flow. The card infuriates me - this
attempt by Evan to worm his way into my psyche through something hes seen in the movies. And its
worked. Theres a poignancy in the words and the simplicity of his message which punches a hole
straight through my defenses.
I scrub my eyes. Okay, he can tell me about Lucy. But his explanation wont change anything.
Because whoever she is, hes lied to me by hiding her.

Chapter 18

EVAN
The fury inside when Lucy ruins everything with Ness is uncontainable. I go home and drink
myself into unconsciousness, stop myself doing anything stupid. The next morning I try to contact Ness
but the irony of my repeatedly unanswered calls becomes too big a reminder of how we got there, so I
give up.
I throw myself into the gym. Everyday. For hours. Exhausting myself and pumping out the
adrenaline coursing around my body.
Lucys calling continues and I come close to answering. Instead, I call him, in Lancaster, beg him
to do something. Scream about how hes ruined my life, failed me. Failed us both. Then I bury myself
back in the bottle, numbing myself. Nothing works. I cant stop the pain of not being able to escape
her pain.
Poetry class smacks me around the head with another irony. Were onto Romanticism. Byron.
Tortured poets. Ha ha. I dont know why I send the card to Ness but when I read the quote, from
Keatss love letters, the words slam me in the heart. Three butterfly days with Ness. Until Lucy tore
the wings off.
I dont expect her to respond, knowing Ness shed think the card was insincere, clichd. Im
wrong. She doesnt call me but she texts a time and a place. This leads to mixed feelings, I halfwished she hadnt called, and made me confront this.
Matt hassles me to go on another drinking binge with him. He enjoys the bacchanalian side of my
pain. I fob him off, tell him where Im meeting Ness and instruct him not to bring his drinking buddies
to this particular pub. Another reminder of the Evan she detests wont help the situation.
Im here. Ness is late.
This small pub is a good choice because few students come here; Im unlikely to bump into anyone
from uni. Girls. Older locals prop themselves against the bar, talking quietly over the music from the
jukebox. I smile at the old style. My beer glass empties quickly and I stop. Alcohol isnt going to help
this situation. Nausea churns around in my stomach; the decision to acknowledge my old life in this
new one terrifies me.
The heavy door opens and a girl enters. Pale face, curls partly obscuring her face, brown eyes
searching the room. Her hands flutter around, like shes reaching out for something and I know shes
looking me. The beer resting heavily on my stomach pushes into my mouth.
How the fuck did she find me? Lucy.
And it doesnt take her long to see me in the half-empty room. No chance of hiding from her

anymore.
She darts over and sits on the stool, eyes dragging me into her. Evan, Ive been looking for you.
You have to help me.
Lucy grabs at my sleeve with broken fingernails. Fingernails she once lovingly painted different
colors.
Lucy, you cant be here. I can hardly hear what Im saying, hearing fading.
Please. I dont know who else to ask!
Her voice rises above the low hubbub of the pub and heads turn. Shit . Lucys shaking and I know
whats coming. I cant sit here and risk a Lucy meltdown.
Grabbing my jacket, I touch her hand. Okay, come with me.
Lucys face transforms with relief and she rubs a sleeve across her head. Thank you.
I want to drag her out of the pub, but I cant. So I let her follow and I spin around as soon as the
cold air hits us.
What do you want me to do, Lucy? I cant help you!
Her face crumples again and she grabs my sleeve. No, Evan, youre the only one I can trust.
Please. Help me.
I dont feel as if my rigid body belongs to me. This isnt real. She isnt here.
Why didnt you answer my calls? she whines.
I dont know what to do to help you. You shouldnt have come here.
Lucy grabs fistfuls of her hair and screams, her cry so familiar the sound washes over me, and I
dont respond. Im pushed against the wall as she attacks me, fists smashing my chest, nails scratching
my bare arms. Her assault doesnt phase me. Not anymore.
Through the numbness of the night her pleading voice and attempts to get my attention fade into the
darkness I want to consume me. Nothing touches me now.
Apart from the sight of Ness standing a few hundred meters away.
****
NESS
Theres one hell of a domestic outside the pub where Im meeting Evan. The girls screams can be
heard echoing down the street before I even turn the corner. Theres nothing unusual about people
fighting in the street around here, especially where alcohol is concerned. Pathetic that people let
themselves get into the mess. I turn the corner and head down the slope towards the pub. Two figures
argue outside.
Evan!
The scream arrests me and I study the couple more carefully. Evans impassive face is illuminated
by the pub sign and a small female figure lays into him. I dont know what stops me from running in
the other direction when I see this, but I approach. Then hesitate. Evan isnt responding, standing
resigned to his fate as the girl pummels him. Why doesnt he catch her hand, talk to her? Hes worse
than I thought.
Evan sees me, catches one of the girls arms and pushes her away from him. As he strides towards
me, I turn away, my walk becoming a run as his footsteps catch up to me.
Ness!

Dont you fucking talk to me! I shout.

Evan grabs my arm and I shrug him off. Is this her? I indicate the girl approaching us.
Yes.
When you said you were going to tell me about Lucy, I didnt expect you to introduce me to her!
My heart thumps, anger shaking through me. Im so close to slapping him but thatd lower me to her
level.
The girl approaches and grabs Evans arm. Whos she?
I dont even want to acknowledge her, but fix my gaze on her proprietary grip on his arm.
Its Ness, he says.
Whos Ness? The edge to her voice scares me and I step back. Maybe her psycho behavior
applies to any other woman in his life.
I dont know what you expected to achieve by this! I shout at him.
I didnt expect to see her. He doesnt shout, voice low.
I bet!
Whos Ness? continues the girl.
My friend.
What friend?
A new friend.
Their conversation sends a prickle across my neck and I look at the girl properly for the first time.
Where shes holding Evans arm, her hand is picking at a thread, an odd repetitive gesture. Shes
about our age, brown curly hair and the frantic look in her eyes disarms me.
Who is she, Evan?
Evan turns a vacant gaze to me, the look of someone whos disconnected himself from his
surroundings. Hes scaring me. Shes scaring me.
This is Lucy. Shes my sister.

Chapter 19

NESS
Sister?
Evan turns empty eyes to me. Yes, shes not well.
Lucy grips his jacket. Im fine. I just needed to know where you were. Youve been hiding from
me.
Not well? I know what he means. Hes not talking about flu.
I said Im okay. Lucys voice rises a decibel and Evan shakes himself back to reality.
Okay, Lucy. How long have you been in Leeds?
Lucy rubs her head. Just today I think. I saw Matt. He told me where you were. I havent seen him
for a while either. Why did you both leave?
I came to Leeds, to study.
You left when they had me. I didnt get to say goodbye.
Evans disheveled appearance from his sisters attack matches the disarray in his mind which is
clear on his face. I want to reach out to him.
Sorry, Lucy, he says softly.
Someone comes out of the pub, a middle-aged man with receding brown hair, shrugging on a
winter jacket. He regards us suspiciously. We shouldnt stay here.
Do you want to come back to my house? I ask.
That sounds like a great idea, you must be freezing? Evan smiles sympathetically at his sister.
Sure, do you have wine there?
I smile at her too. I have a friend, Abby. She has a lot of wine.
Lucys grip on Evans arm loosens and her eyes loose their wide-eyed fear. In silence, we head
towards my house.
****
Abbys getting ready to go out when we walk in. Shes half-dressed, towel wrapped around her
hair with mirror propped up on the table, applying mascara.
Hey Her voice trails off as she takes in the sight of the three of us. Didnt expect to see you
again, she says to Evan. Ever.
This is Lucy, I say hoping Abby recognizes my rein it in look. Evans sister.
Sister? Abbys hand hovers in the air, mascara brush extended.

Twin, says Lucy, Thats why were so close. Ness said you had wine?
I do? Abby looks at me.
You always do. I say, then turn to Lucy, Hope you like sweet, white stuff.
Anything! Lucy grins and sits on the sofa.
Evan stands next to her, arms folded tightly across his chest. The urge to go over to him, hug him
and brush the consternation from his face overwhelms me. I head to the kitchen. Evan follows me in.
Evan I reach out a hand and touch his face. Why didnt you tell me?
You didnt give me a chance.
No, before the other night.
His lost brown eyes fix on mine. Lucys the past Im trying to escape from. Why would I bring her
into my new life?
Shes your sister
Fuck! he says too loudly, then clears his throat, gaze darting to the door. Shes not just my
sister. Shes someones daughter, granddaughter, niece But its always been down to me and I cant
do this anymore!
Evan picks at something dried onto the work surface. So many questions I want to ask, but so many
wounds I dont want to jab.
How long has she been unwell? I say eventually.
Diagnosed, about three years. Undiagnosed, longer. When I left she was in hospital, responding to
her meds. I dont think shes still taking them. He slumps against the bench, sliding his boots forward
and Im convinced hes going to land on the floor. I thought because Id gone, someone else would
finally take over.
Youve had to look after her for three years? Im incredulous - hes still a teenager himself.
Mostly. I saw something was wrong with Lucy first and got her to see a doctor. Now she always
comes to me when she needs help. Doesnt trust anyone else.
But your Dad?
Evan makes a derisive noise. Old school. Thinks she should pull herself together when shes
depressed and as soon as she starts tipping into mania he panics. Thinks shes going to kill him.
Because his sum total of education on her disorder comes from TV shows.
I reach out to him, try and hug him but hes stiff, so I let go and lean next to him. You cant give
her the help she needs. Youre not a doctor. I pause. Or her parent.
I know that. But when shes unwell, she doesnt get that. Thinks I can fix things for her.
Thats unfair. Your family cant expect you to do this.
Evan rubs his face hard. I know its not fair, Ness. Every time she screws up my plans, its not
fair. But its not fair for her if no-one is there for her. And now shes here, I have to do something.
Again.
Evans agitation is increasing and I dont want to push things but Im annoyed with his family for
failing him too. I have to stop myself saying something.
Abby chats to Lucy in the other room, Lucy smiling and animated, and for once Abby cant get a
word in which amuses me - this rarely happens. Evan indicates the bottle Im holding.
Probably dont let her have too much. I need to figure out where shes at - with her meds and
stuff. She hasnt got a bag so she cant have any on her.
I hover the bottle over the glass and he frowns at me. Shes fine. She wont hurt anyone. She was
pissed off with me for hiding from her. No-one else.
How did she get here and how long has she been looking for Evan; wandering the city in an

unstable state?
I watch as Evan hands the glass to his sister, how she smiles up at him, calm and happy. Evans
calm again, speaking gently to, but not patronizing, Lucy. Almost as if he has a persona he switches on
in this situation. Inside, my heart tears in two, broken for him. Evans words about the burden on him
- his calm, logical explanation of what needs to be done to help his sister - open my eyes to who he
really is. I dont know the whole story but Im furious hes the person caring for his mentally ill
sister, and nobody prevented her from endangering herself by coming after him.

Chapter 20

EVAN
Lucys still awake. Talking. Burbling about animals. She has a cat, apparently. Charlie. Dad
bought her the kitten shortly after I left a few weeks ago. A bloody kitten. They guy doesnt have a
clue, buys Lucy something to be responsible for when he cant even keep her on the meds she needs.
Or in the town where she lives.
Abby goes out, and Ness politely listens to Lucy but her eyes glaze. 1:00 AM and Lucy wont
sleep, I can tell now - shes not manic but shes heading that way. The stress of getting here wont
have helped. I swig down my beer.
Lucy, did you bring any meds? I ask.
I dont need them.
You do. Or you get unwell.
Lucy fixes me with narrowed eyes. I got better. And then I felt like crap. I couldnt think straight,
like someone had stuffed my head with cotton wool. So I stopped.
Lucy Weve been through this before. You cant fix this.
Lucy stuffs fingers in her mouth and chews down on a nail, wriggling her toes, warning me not to
push this. So far, Ive avoided asking questions about how shes feeling and whats going on. How
she got here. And if Dad knows. I realize Im mirroring her, fingers in my mouth. Shes not got her
meds and god knows when she last took any. I need to call Dad. But she cant see me. I walk behind
her and catch Nesss eye, waving the phone and pointing upstairs.
Yes, its in my bedroom, she says.
Cool.
Hes been in your bedroom? Evan! Lucy giggles and Nesss cheeks turn pink.
Being in Nesss bedroom feels intrusive. Until a few hours ago, I was persona non grata, now Im
in her room and trying not to think of Ness lying naked on the bed. Her neatly made bed has the
ridiculous cat pajamas scrunched onto them and I remember the night she wore them at the top of the
stairs. Back then, I was free of this. For those few short weeks.
Dad answers within three rings. Evan? Music blares in the background and my pulse rate speeds
up. In the pub. Again.
Thought you mightve called me?
Why?
Why? Because your daughters missing?
A pause. Shit . Is she okay?

Yeah, shit pretty much sums it up. Shes with me. Didnt you notice?
No, Ive been busy today. Working. Laughter in the background rolls down the phone.
Then you went straight to the pub? When shes not well.
Shes an adult, Evan. Im not responsible for her.
Its a fucking good job Im in Nesss room because if I was in mine, something would be smashed
by now. Shes ill. She lives with you. Needs your help to get better. Shes your daughter!
The line fades to silence, music and voices interrupting the quiet.
I didnt know she was ill again, he says.
Shes not going to be miraculously better in the few weeks since I last came back. I helped you
get her back on her meds, calm. All you had to do was keep it going.
Another round of music fills the silence. But shes with you now?
Anger prickles my skin, crawling across my back. Yeah. With no meds.
Can I come for her tomorrow? I cant drive tonight. We had a lock-in
My fingers curl tightly around the phone, squeezing the anger out. A lock-in? So sitting in a pub
all night and not bothering to check shes okay.
Shes safe with you? He ignores me and my urge to slam something into the wall increases.
Fine. Come here tomorrow. Ill text you the address.
I throw my phone onto the desk. He hit the nail on the head. Shes safe with me. Like Im her carer.
I cant be that anymore; its not fair.
I knock into Nesss desk, her laptops screensaver lights up, a montage of photographs flicker
across the screen. Foreign countries. Places Ness plans to visit. Freedom. I sink onto her bed, fighting
back tears. I cant cry. I wont cry. Boys dont fucking cry.
****
NESS
The loud phone conversation stopped ten minutes ago and Evan hasnt come back down. I glance
at Lucy whos showing me every picture shes ever taken on her mobile. I think were up to about two
hundred now. Im not kidding.
Youre into photography? I ask
Yeah, was going to go to tech and study. Until well, you know. Not been well. But now Im
feeling better and I might start studying. Even come to Leeds. I could live here or we could live with
Evan And she continues, a stream of consciousness pouring out of her mouth.
I need to see if Evan is okay. The remote rests on the coffee table and I switch on the TV, hoping a
program will catch her attention. So she can focus on something other than me for a few minutes.
Shes exhausting. When I flick onto a documentary full of cute looking animals, I almost cheer.
Oh! Wait, can we watch this? she says, sitting forward. Meerkats! Theyre bloody awesome .
I love meerkats. Not as much as I love Charlie, of course. I wonder why they call them cats too.
They dont look much like cats. But theyre still awesome.
Cool, Ill be back in a few minutes. Just going to help Evan with something.
Lucy turns to me, eyes glinting. Oh yeah, I get it she giggles. Ill be okay with the meerkats
and the wine. She leans into the cushioned sofa back and places her dirty shoes on the table.
Im working tomorrow, early shift, and this isnt what I expected from meeting Evan this evening.

Certainly not Evan in my bedroom and myself dragged into his past. The bedroom door is ajar, I push
it open. Evans on the floor, leaning against the end of my bed, long legs outstretched.
Everything okay? I whisper.
Fucking wonderful.
The light shines through the open curtains, casting shadows across Evans face.
Who did you call?
My Dad. Hes coming in the morning. He rubs his eyes. Sorry you got dragged into this.
I wish youd told me.
He doesnt reply, just stares at his boots.
I sit down on the carpet next to him. You should both stay here tonight. Wait for your Dad.
Thanks. Ill sit up with her. In case she disappears again.
Will she?
He shrugs. Maybe. If she gets manic and decides she really needs to be somewhere. Other than
with me. But Im pretty sure shes okay for now.
No wonder Lucy always looks for him. His insight into who she is, where shes at with her illness
and what she needs isnt coming from anywhere else. A twin thing maybe. And nagging in my mind
one other question. Where is his Mum? He said his Dad is a single parent but she must know about
her daughter. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I lace my fingers through his. His shoulders are stiff. I
turn and plant a kiss on his neck and he wriggles, as if the sensation irritates him.
What do I do, Ness? How can I fix this?
I dont know. But this shouldnt be down to you. Youre not her parent.
But no-ones there for her if Im not. His voice cracks and my heart pushes against my chest,
hurting for this confused, lonely guy; isolated from others because of the burden on him.
Well, Im going to help you change that, youre not going to deal with this on your own anymore.
Its wrong.
Evan turns and grabs me around the chest, burying his face into my side. I stroke his hair as his
quickened breathing holds in the tears and despair I know are barely restrained. As I fall asleep on
the floor, Im aware of Evan covering me with a blanket. Then returning to his sister.

Chapter 21

NESS
Evan and Lucy are asleep when I leave for work the next day, Lucy across the sofa and Evan in the
armchair. I skip making breakfast, grab something from the canteen at work instead. Exhaustion
follows me, and hangs with me all day. Probably nothing compared to the exhaustion Evan must be
feeling. Catching up with Evans reality was difficult, Ive never had my understanding of someone
turned so totally upside down before. Evan transformed from hedonistic student to someone grappling
with responsibilities that shouldnt be his. Pretty sure if I struggled with a secret this big, Id be
drowning myself in student life too.
Before I start work, I send a text to let Evan know Im thinking about him, and ask him to let me
know if he needs help. I check my phone at the first break in my shift and hes replied with a simple
message.
thx & sorry & really will call soon xx
The next few days Evan plays on my mind and I want to help him in whatever way I can. Unsure if
he wants my involvement, I decide not to contact him. If he wants to talk, hell call. Deciding what to
say to Abby is difficult. Evans decision to keep his secret undoubtedly extends to Abby. We had a
friend at school who suffered from depression, Abby supported her and didnt judge but this is
Evans business, I have no right to say anything. Abby comments on Lucys full-on personality and I
leave the conversation there.
A week later, a text from Evan arrives, letting me know hes coming back to Leeds. Desperate to
talk to him, my finger hovers over the call button. No, he chose not to call for a reason. The fact hes
texted me, reached out, bolsters me enough. Hes chosen to see me again.
Now I sit in a local cafe, warming my hands on a mug of coffee, waiting for him. Weve been here
before, during our three butterfly days, me and carefree Evan. The vinyl tablecloth is clean,
condiments set out for the greasy food, the odor of the chips pervading the room. Normally Id hanker
for some but Im not hungry, the prospect of seeing Evan again fills my stomach with acid.
Evan walks in, face obscured by the scarf wrapped around, hair spilling down over his ears. I
wave at him and he approaches, unwrapping the scarf. Evans paler, and I think hes lost weight in the
short time hes been away. He only returned yesterday and the haunted look hasnt left him yet.
Did you need a drink? he asks and I shake my head. All I want to do is stand and hug him, hold
him to me like I did the night Lucy returned.
He goes to the counter, returns with a matching mug of coffee and sits with it between his gloved
hands.

Howve you been, Ness?

Better than you, I guess, I say softly and reach out to touch him. The rough material of his gloves
protects his skin from my touch. I hope he hasnt reconstructed any other barriers.
Evan takes a sip of his coffee, brown eyes regarding me over the top of the mug. I wont avoid
this.
Hows Lucy? I ask.
The moment where Evan decides whether to keep me involved or not stands between us. Unease
creeps up my arms like spiders. I shouldnt have said anything. Not so soon. Please dont let my
words push him away. He spins the mug on the table, muscle twitching in his cheek as he concentrates
on the movement.
She wasnt taking her meds. Shes back on them now.
Oh, thats good then?
Yeah. His voice doesnt agree with his words.
Or not good?
She doesnt agree, cant see how something that takes away her creativity helps her. How do you
explain that to someone?
My shoulders sag in relief. Hes reaching out to me. Asking. What happens if she doesnt take
them?
Shell be fine - for a few weeks, even months then something will start again. Depression. Or
mania.
I guess its difficult for her to accept shes not better when she feels better.
Evan sighs, Yeah. But anyway. I agreed to go and see her every weekend. Help Dad. Make sure
shes going okay.
I rub my cheek. Hes been sucked into the life hes escaping again. My thoughts mustve been
evident in my face.
She wont keep taking them, if I dont help her, he presses.
I clench my teeth, so I dont open my mouth and say something wrong, so nod instead. A nineteen
year old guy shouldnt be responsible for his sister. I have to push this. Lucy isnt the only one who
needs an advocate.
Doesnt she have a doctor? A psychiatrist? Or someone. Someone else. Not you.
Yeah, but she misses appointments and slips through the cracks if no-one reminds her. Theyre
overstretched - dont have time for people who dont want to help themselves. Until things get really
bad. Then they have to do something.
Evans fidgeting with the serviette holder, drifting away again. Talking about this now, so soon,
isnt what he needs from me. I plunge into my head, grasping at something to say, anything as long as
the words are a million steps away from the subject.
We should take a drive out somewhere again today? Get away? I say.
Evan smiles, stiffened shoulders dropping. Escape for a few hours? Count me in.
****
We seize a day of escape, return to the town we went to on our first date. Date. The word sounds
so quaint, but I guess thats what the day was. Our beginning. So we go back to our happy place,
distant from any part of Evans nightmarish world of the last week. Walking hand in hand along the
canal, our breath mists in the air. The serenity of the situation fills me with warmth, an excited

tingling flowing through me from being close to Evan again. The new Evan whod always been
underneath.
We eat fish and chips by the low river, listen to the waters path over the rocks and feed the ducks
swimming against the current towards us. In the warming December sun, we snuggle together and talk,
about everything and nothing. Everything from our normal lives and nothing from the darkness. Evans
face gradually loses the haunted expression he brought into the cafe this morning. Every time he holds
me tight, I want to stay in his arms forever. Stay here. Never let him go back to his pain.
If only every day can be like this, I say, popping another fat chip into my mouth.
Evan hugs me to him and kisses my hair. Fish and chips every day? Wed die of heart attacks
before we hit thirty.
Resting my head on his chest, I listen to his slow, steady heartbeat. Wed get more than our three
butterfly days.
Evan lifts my face towards his and rubs his cold nose against my cheek. Three days with you
wouldnt be enough, I lied.
Good.
His cool lips warm as soon as they reach mine, soft at first then an urgency comes with his kiss.
The kiss of someone whos missed the feel of your mouth on theirs. We squash together on the bench,
the stinging cold on our faces burnt away by the heat of our embrace. As usual, my body inflames, the
tingling Ive carried inside all day turns to trembling. The intense physical need I have for Evan
overwhelms me, amplified by the emotions Ive shared with him recently. When he pulls back and
strokes my face, his eyes burn with the same fervor.
Ive said it before and Ill say it again, Ness. Youre amazing.
Instantly the memory of the words returns. Breathed heavily in my ear, when we were entangled on
my bed. The fire of the images colors my face, and in his I can see he chose the words deliberately.
His smile, the small tug at the corner of his mouth I find so sexy disappears as he moves in to kiss me
again.
Later, we stumble back through the door, the winter evening threatening snow. I go straight to the
tiny gas fire in the corner and light it. Evan blows onto his gloves and I rub mine on my legs. Northern
winters demand thermals, not woolen jumpers. Of course the house is trashed, kitchen piled with
dishes and cupboard empty. I have to send Evan for milk from the corner shop and he returns with a
bottle of wine. We forego the tea and curl up together on the sofa. Saturday night, Abby will be home
with a crowd by 2am. But here and now, we find more peace. Only the clicking of the gas fire and the
gentle breathing from Evan surrounds me.
I sip my wine and place the glass on the coffee table.
Thanks for today, I say.
I sit back and lean into Evan, holding his arm around my waist and holding his hand. He rubs his
face into my hair and inhales. Feels good to be with you, Ness.
I cant tell him how overwhelming just having him hold me is; the physical pull he has which sent
me straight to bed with him all those weeks ago. And now, with this new connection, Im engulfed by
him. So soon. I secretly hope the heartbreaking love he has for his sister leaves enough for other
people. Maybe one day for me. Unable to find words, I shift around to face him, placing my hands
against his chest. The warmth of his muscled shoulder invites me to push into him, kiss his neck. Evan
strokes my hair lightly with his fingers.
I feel calm and safe with you, he says, Someone who finally understands, but doesnt judge.
The past cant encroach, not now, not in this moment. You only had to let go to someone. I say

and kiss his neck, hoping to distract him. Besides, I did judge you.
You didnt know me. Or understand. I didnt want anyone to.
The neck kissing isnt working so I slide my mouth past his ear and across his face, gentle kisses.
Thank you.
What for?
Being Evan with me.
Im looking for him. He got lost over the last few years.
I dont want him to say these things, drag himself back to Lucy and his pain so I cover his mouth
with mine. He understands, winding his hand through my hair and kissing me. His cool hands slide
beneath my jumper and I jerk away. Thats cold.
Evan laughs and whispers, No, youre hot.
I roll my eyes at him in an exaggerated way. Oh please
His brown eyes fix on mine, I can see this Evan. See emotion he wants to contain and desire he
doesnt. Oh, yes you are.
And he kisses me, tongue parting my lips and tasting me. We crush each other in an embrace of two
people who dont want to let go, a need to anchor each other in their world. The longing Ive had for
him since the day he came back, before Lucy, explodes inside and I pull him to me. I delve my cool
hands under his shirt but he doesnt flinch, his own finding their way under mine too. Evans fingers
are warmer now as he traces up my side, the sensation tickling and arousing me at the same time. He
cups both hands around my breasts, pushing his hands inside my bra. I arch my back into him as he
gently rubs my nipples between his thumb and forefinger. Gulping down a breath, I suppress a moan
and he pulls his hand away, sliding his palm up my leg.
Im probably completely out of order asking this, Ness, but I want to take you upstairs and do
inappropriate things with you.
I laugh at his mock formality and lean my head against his forehead, his lashes tickling my cheek.
What? No poetry?
No, not tonight. Im all out.
As if Im going to refuse the chance to take this new Evan to my bed. Hes become more than the
sexy guy I straddled on my bed all those weeks ago. Back then, we discovered each others bodies
before we discovered who we were. Now that were connected on a deeper level, the desire for him
is intense and more urgent.
Theres something uncomfortable about leading a guy into the bedroom, aware of unspoken plans.
This is a mirror of last time we were here, but a world away. Im barely through the doorway when
Evan kicks the door shut and spins me around, pressing me into the wood. My already aroused body
flares into desire as his mouth covers mine, tongue delving into my mouth. I grab his hands as they
slide up my side; squeeze his fingers.
He pulls his head away, eyes searching mine in the dim light. Okay?
You took me by surprise.
Evan steps back, releasing my waist and I steady myself on the wall. Sorry
No, its fine
His slow, signature smile appears. Oh, in that case
Theres something predatory in his eyes and a shiver crosses my shoulders. Pushing me back
against the door, he trails feather light fingers along my side. Was I too eager? Do you want me to
slow down?
My skin burns where he touches me, the delicious feeling hardening my nipples before his hands

get anywhere near them. I grab Evans hair and pull him to me, tugging his lip into my mouth whilst
pushing beneath his shirt to grip the knotted muscles of his back.
Evan stops kissing me and holds his head back. Im trying to slow down.
Licking my lips slowly, I enjoy the effect the action has on Evans breathing and the fact he
changes his mind about not kissing me. He makes a sound in his throat and I smile into his lips as they
hit mine. As he holds me against the door with his hips, I disentangle my hands and unbutton his jeans.
His hard length presses against the material and I touch him lightly, teasing a finger up and down the
rough denim restraining him. Evan inhales sharply so I free him from his jeans, continuing to stroke. In
response, he deftly unfastens my jeans and delves a hand inside, fingers slipping into the fabric of my
panties. Embarrassingly, I groan against his mouth.
I dont think I can do slow. Ive been thinking about this all day, he says, breath tickling my ear.
I giggle at the speed in which we undress each other. Clothes pile around the room as we step out
of jeans, pull off tops and lose our underwear. Evan presses me onto the bed and I grab his muscled
biceps, pulling him onto me. The heated thrill of his body against mine is only surpassed by the
awareness of his arousal pressing against me.
Supporting himself on his elbows, Evan looks down, hair falling across his face. I think hes going
to say something, but he doesnt. Instead he leans forward and covers my face and neck with butterfly
kisses. Butterfly kisses which progress down towards my breasts. I wrap my legs around his hips and
he stops, gently pulls away.
Wait.
Foil tears and I wriggle in anticipation. But he doesnt slide into me, instead resuming his attention
to my breasts. Once hes kissed every available inch of skin, Im shaking with need for him and
finally he pushes himself inside me. As he does, he pauses looking down at me. His heart hammers
against mine and he kisses my nose.
I was wrong, youre not hot, he says, youre absolutely fucking awesome.
The sensation of Evan holding still inside me is too much to bear. I grab his head and kiss him until
our teeth collide, and I cant breathe, all the while drowning in the urgency of his delicious movement
inside me.
Afterwards, Evan supports himself on one arm and leans over me, face glowing in the dim light. I
push damp hair from his face as he kisses me.
Youre right, I wish every day could be like this, he says.
I playfully bite his arm. I told you.
Lying down, he tugs me into his arms and squeezes me tightly, our naked bodies fitting together. I
tuck the duvet under my chin, glad of the heat emanating from him.
You know, I think this idea students are promiscuous is wrong.
Oh really? When did you change your mind about that? He sounds doubtful.
When winter came. Its survival. Its so bloody cold they need to huddle together for warmth. If
they dont find a partner quickly, there might be no-one left.
Evan chuckles, Yes, thats exactly why. And Ill warm you in your bed anytime you want.
Waiting for the peace of the night to be shattered by Abby, we lie quietly, no need for words. Even
if only a few days were like this. The rest of the world could be coped with.

Chapter 22

SPRING
EVAN
Ness changes everything. And I dont want her to go.
Every time were in her room, I catch sight of the laptop and the taunting screensaver. Shes
changed the display recently, so pictures from around the world scroll across her screen. Some days,
I cant ignore the fact shes leaving soon and get snippy. Ness doesnt understand why, and I cant tell
her how much I need her in my life. Shes escaped from controlling forces once, god knows Ive been
there. I have no right to interfere with her dreams. When she tries to talk to me about her plans, I
increasingly change the subject. Ness isnt stupid; shell figure everything out soon.
Lucys grip no longer suffocates me. I kept my word, returned to Lancaster every weekend, and she
kept hers. A new psychiatrist helped - a new regime of medication and one she accepted. I dont fool
myself that this is over, fixed, but this is the longest shes been stable in a very long time.
After Christmas, Lucy enrolled in college, following her dream to study photography. Channeling
her creativity helps. So, her life moves on.
I failed most of my first semester exams. This wasnt a surprise, the crisis and visits home ate
away my time. Then in between, I filled my life with Ness more than I really should have. So, Im
reluctantly repeating the courses, feeling as if my own life hasnt changed much. Ness insists my life
has moved on huge amounts, but I cant help resenting hers.
****
Nesss birthday. Ness, being Ness, doesnt want a fuss. Abby plans a wild night out and sometime
I think Abby doesnt get Ness at all. Ness avoids the student lifestyle still, the times I manage to
persuade her to go with me to parties are rare. She wont come out with me in the evenings if only
students will be there. Sure, theres plenty of other places in Leeds to hang out, and I guess this stops
us from living in each others pockets completely, but I wish shed involve herself with my friends
occasionally. They think shes snobby, but I dont dare tell her.
Ness manages to put off Abbys grand plans and I book a nice place to eat for just the two of us.
We go to a lot of curry houses, sharing our love of Indian food, so I saved for a classier meal, at a
restaurant away from the student suburbs.
Ness skips down the stairs of her house. Shes dressed up for the evening and I also picked out the

best of the shirts I had, which isnt saying much. When she appears in her green dress, skimming her
knees and cut just a little too low for my peace of mind, I apologize for my poor attempt to dress up.
Pulling me close and squeezing my rear she tugs my ear lobe with her teeth. I think that shirt
makes you look very sexy - its the one I took off you the first night.
I pull her hips towards me, hands on her backside. Stop that, or we wont leave the house.
Ness giggle and she removes my hands. Im hungry, lets go.
The sun hovers around longer in the evening, and we leave the house in daylight for once. Spring
moving towards summer, and warmer evenings. Summer. When Ness goes.
The restaurant is smartly furnished, the waiting staff in perfectly coordinated uniforms.
Everywhere shines and the wall art isnt peeling like the pictures in our usual haunts. The reds and
golds shine under the bright lighting. I suddenly feel underdressed.
This is one country Im definitely visiting, says Ness as were halfway through our meal,
looking at the photos on the wall. India is amazing.
My throat constricts around my food. Probably a good thing since I dont want to spoil this evening
by talking about her plans.
I have your present. I produce a gift-wrapped box. Distracting her.
I said no presents.
Everyone says no presents.
She crosses her arms. I meant it.
Tough. I bought you something.
Ness carefully unwraps the small box and gently removing the brooch from the tissue inside. A
small silver butterfly, with delicate filigree wings. One of those crap moments follows, when you
dont know if the person likes what you bought them as Ness stares at the brooch.
Evan, thats beautiful. She leans across the table and kisses me. I can just taste Ness through the
spices on her lips.
I know you dont like fancy stuff, but I wanted something for you to remember me by.
Our butterfly days? she smiles, pinning the brooch onto her dress.
I pick up the wrapping paper and fold it, pushing down the square into neat lines, not looking at
her.
What is it? she asks.
Butterfly days.
Nesss brows draw together. I dont understand what you mean.
My stomach has turned over repeatedly since I sat down; Ive no idea why I suggested a meal
when every time I think about this I feel sick. But I cant keep going with this unspoken event hanging
between us. If my heart will be squeezed dry by her leaving, Im no longer sure I can keep this up. I
set my fork down.
Did you book your flights yet?
Nesss hands hover over her wine glass, about to take a drink. Not yet.
Youre still going?
Her eyes widen, recognizing something in my face Ive so carefully hidden. I thought I was better
at hiding than this. You know I am.
My hand scrunches the serviette on my lap. Dont spoil this. Dont ruin her birthday. Dont make
her cry.
****

NESS
I touch the brooch pinned to my dress, the cool metal warming against my skin. A gift like the
brooch speaks so much about Evan. The Evan who quotes poetry and pretends to be tongue in cheek,
scared Ill think him insincere. The guy who looks at me sometimes as if I might break.
Five months into our relationship and I feel as if Evans always been in my life. Theres a relaxed
easiness with him; he lives his life and I live mine. Neither of us demands too much from the other;
the boundaries around what were prepared to give are respected. We dont see each other every day,
dont need to. I wouldnt want to. The breathing distance between us this leaves is perfect, our
relationship has a balance compared to the all-consuming relationships I see around me. Trust and
comfort in what we have holds us together when were apart. When I compare this to the selfdestructing and all encompassing neediness of some, I think weve got things right. Mostly. Apart
from one thing.
Evan has never told me he loves me.
Recently, Evan confuses me, blows hot and cold, and the original, guarded Evan is sneaking back
in. Ive asked about Lucy, but shes well, so now Im worrying. The fact hes never told me he loves
me begins to eat at me for the first time.
Theres one thing I suspect is causing his mood changes and I think its about to hit us. I knew this
conversation was coming and now were here. The number of times Evan cuts me short when I talk
about my year away has increased. And every time we go into my bedroom, he shuts the laptop,
hiding the screen saver photographs of exotic places.
Are we finally going to talk about this? I ask him.
Maybe later. He focuses on his food, pushing the rice around his plate.
I want to talk about this now, I dont want to sit through a meal with a cloud over our heads.
Evan takes a drink. Okay.
Ask me then. About my plans.
Evan shakes his fringe away from his eyes. When are you going?
June sometime. Ive almost saved what I need, then Ill book the flight. Evans hand grips his
glass, inhales. Why is this such a surprise?
You havent talked about your plans recently. I didnt realize you were going so soon.
I fold the napkin from my lap and place it on the table. You havent wanted to talk about any of
this.
No. Evan sets down his fork. Because I dont want you to go.
My heart beats quicker, in anticipation of the oncoming conversation. Wow, he chooses his
moments. Im coming back.
I know. But youll be gone for a year.
Hes said he doesnt want me to go. The words I wanted to hear, but so desperately didnt want
him to say. The pull to stay with Evan has become gravitational over the last few weeks, dragging me
off course, away from my decision. Evan, who Ive spent so much time with, whos touched my life,
filled a void and overwhelmed my world. But hasnt given me the one last part of himself.
Why? I ask, pushing him to say more. Maybe tonight hell tell me.
He rubs an eyebrow. Because I want you here. With me. I know, its selfish
Reaching across the table, I touch his hand. For once, his fingers dont curl around mine. A cold
tingle climbs down my back. We should talk about this.

Yeah. Evan removes his hand from mine and picks his fork up, resuming his meal.
My hand rests on the table, the cold sensation spreads through me. Weve left this too long, fooling
ourselves living day to day is enough for our relationship. Letting go of the past, living for each day
makes perfect sense. But even though the future may come one day at a time, its never far away.
****
NESS
Evan is quiet on the walk back to the car after our meal. The evening cools to match the mood, and
I rub my hands on my bare arms, my optimism about the spring evening being warm unfounded. In
response, Evan wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him; I sink my head against his
chest, hoping hes not going to let me go. The atmosphere in the restaurant killed the mood of the
evening, now is the right time to get everything out in the open. Otherwise the unsaid will eat away at
the weeks we have left.
Can we talk about this? I say, stopping.
Evans arm stiffens around me. I told you, I dont want you to go. Im selfish. I shouldnt have
said anything, forget it.
Pulling from his embrace, I turn to him. Why dont you want me to go?
Because youre a big part of my life now. Because I cant imagine not seeing you for so long.
Hes not saying what he needs to. I carry on, reaching his car, and lean against the door, waiting.
He catches up in a few strides.
Is that such an odd thing, Ness? When we spend so much time together? Evans hands are buried
in his pockets, his mouth thinning and Id do anything to replace the look with a smile.
What do I mean to you, Evan?
A lot.
I bite the inside of my lip, knowing Evan still keeps his emotions tightly packed away, but he cant
do that anymore. Not now.
A lot?
Evan moves towards me, reaching a hand from his pocket to my face. His thumb brushes my cheek.
Everyone has a reason for waking up in the morning, and youre mine.
I turn my head and grit me teeth against what I need to say. Forced myself not to say for months,
because the words sound so needy.
Youve never said you love me.
Evan drops his hand and steps back. The cold sensation in my veins returns at the look on his face.
You need me to tell you that? To say I love you?
His surprise unbalances me. No, not if you dont mean it.
Evan rakes his hand into his hair, gripping on for a few moments. I never saw you as someone to
put significance in empty words. On Valentines Day you told me not to buy a card because it was an
exercise on consumerism.
No, I said people shouldnt only tell each other how they feel on one day of the year. And theyre
only empty words if you dont mean them.
Evan inhales. Fine. But youre being unfair.
The more he says without giving me what I want, the heavier my meal feels on my stomach.
Ive said so many other things, so much more. Ive told you how youre the center of my world,

my strength. The person who holds my heart when they hold my hand. You see into the dustiest corner
of my soul and Ive never let anybody do that. Evan catches my hand, pulls it to him. How many
times have you felt my heart beating next to you, only for you?
Through his shirt, his heart thumps against my palm and in his face a deep line creases his brow.
Hes hurting, the dusty part of his soul he talks about is in his eyes.
All the time, I say hoarsely.
Then why are we having this conversation? People say I love you all the time and it means
nothing. Throw away words. They lie. Love isnt about how much you say I love you, but about how
much you prove its true. Im really surprised at you.
I pull my hand away and step back. Unwanted tears are pushing behind my eyes and the
goosebumps on my arms hurt now. One comment about me leaving and the evening turns to crap.
Take me home, please.
Evan looks at me as if Ive accused him of cheating on me. And you? Have you ever told me you
love me?
No.
Evans keys jangle in his hands as he hesitates, brown eyes staring into my hidden hurt.
Imperceptibly, he shakes his head and crosses to the drivers door. The silence of the drive home is
filled with the drone of his engine and the air blowing from the vents. Nothing else is said.

Chapter 23

NESS
The stalemate between us continues over the next few days. Evan refuses to speak to me on the
drive back and I ask him to go home when we get to mine after the restaurant. All I get is a peck on
the cheek and he leaves. His words tumble around my brain, the sense of what hes saying wont sink
through the romantic clich strangling my emotions. Evan shows me everyday how he feels about me
but now hes admitted the refusal to tell me he loves me. After so many months, isnt it logical for the
person your with to have told you? At least once.
Then I get irritated, hes making me feel like Im trying to get him to marry me, the words would
bind him to me forever, or something. I shudder at the idea.
Quietly gnawing at me is the need for him to not tell me he loves me, and the reason I havent told
him. Because a tiny part of me wants to use those words as an excuse to change my mind about
leaving.
For the first time in months, doubt about our relationship sets in.
My work shifts and his study schedule misalign over the next few days, then its the weekend and
he disappears to Lancaster. Evan doesnt go back as often as he did, once a month now. This time I
expected him to forego his trip to sort through our huge, immobile issue. The feeling Lucy is the third
person in our relationship returns, and I push away the hurt. His twin. A sister coping with a lifelong
illness. Of course his pull to her is greater at times. We text, but dont talk and the unease begins to
strangle me.
Abby sits in the lounge, feet covered in huge socks and resting on the coffee table. She cradles a
mug in her hands and slurps coffee as she watches TV.
No Evan tonight? she asks.
No, hes in Lancaster.
And theres been no Evan here this week? She turns her concerned face to mine. Everything
okay?
Yeah.
Um. Dont believe you. Misery face.
Abbys got over her hedonistic phase, now settled into the I came so close to failing, Id better
study stage. Perhaps my battery farm existence has shown her the way not to go. Whatever the
reason, we get on better now. Like we did before university. Shes seeing another guy from her
department, Kyle, quieter and genuinely nice. Hes miles apart from her usual guys. And nothing too
serious, which is strange for her. And kind of ironic considering the anguish Im applying to my

relationship.
Its fine. I set my mug down.
Hes pissed off about you leaving?
Hes said he doesnt want me to go.
Abby nods, her whole shoulders moving, like a wise woman. Can you blame him? You two have
a good thing going.
I have to go. To do this. For me. The words are more forceful than I intended.
She holds her hands up in defense. Hey, you dont need to argue with me too. I just dont get the
need to get going so quickly.
Ive considered this. Over and over. Because if I dont go now, Ill never go. Something will get
in the way and stop me if I wait. This is the right time. For me. The words sound like a prepared
speech, to convince someone. Myself, maybe.
Abby moves to the TV and switches it off. Even if you lose Evan?
We look at each other and I see the girl I went to primary school with, the friend who helped me
through my first heartbreak at fourteen. The person who knows me as well as I know myself - aware
of where Ive come from, and came from there too.
Abby
You guys are close. Like, really close. I havent come across two people like you. And you
manage to be like that without it being intense and weird.
If were close, a year apart wont matter. The words come out of my mouth I havent vocalized
before. A year apart. From Evan. Am I in denial? If I want him to tell me he loves me, how can I want
to leave him too? My head spins with the contradiction whenever I consider this. And I consider the
situation a lot.
Abby tips her head. Thats naive. Things will happen. Youll come back a different person and
hell be the same as when you left. Hes a guy, however much he says he loves you, I doubt hell stay
celibate.
I swallow the lump pushing against my throat. He hasnt.
Hasnt what?
Told me he loves me.
Abbys head moves back, in the way people do when you hit them with words they dont expect.
Seriously? Not once?
Not once.
Not even afteryou know. Or when hes drunk?
No. Never.
But he loves you. Abby says the words with blinding certainty, as if no doubt existed in her
mind, and I wish she could extend the certainty to mine.
Maybe.
Come on, you love each other. Five months in and barely an argument? Jeez, I wish a guy would
look at me how he looks at you.
How?
Abby stands towards me. Like the stars would go out if you werent there anymore.
I dont say anything, shes right. Im stupid.
He never said it when you said it to him? she asks.
I pick at my sleeve. I havent said it either.
Abby shakes her head. Then youre as bad as each other.

Sitting back next to me, Abby puts a hand on my knee. Ness, youre not thirteen. Its not a
competition over who says I love you first. And if its going to wreck your relationship, why hang
onto this?
After weeks of keeping this in, I have to voice the truth I wont admit. Because if he says he loves
me, I might change my mind about leaving.
And if he loves you, he wont let you.
****
EVAN
I know I need to see Ness again, but my inability to say the right thing puts me off. In my time back
in Lancaster, I retraced old steps and return to places from my childhood. The childhood Im
supposed to leave behind. Lucy comes too, and shes my old Lucy. My funny twin with bright eyes,
and a brighter personality. Im proud of what shes achieved, more so than Dad. Shes reconnected
with friends and made new ones. Moving away from home worked for her, as leaving town did for
me. She has a boyfriend too, Julius. They share a love of photography. And cats. As soon as I return
to Lancaster Im greeted with a pictorial run down of their relationship. I laugh when she tells me they
were meant to be because their cats like each other. So her life has moved beyond what she wants
from me, at last. Shell never be free of her illness but at least its not controlling her anymore.
Hows things with Ness? I havent seen her since Christmas. Lucy tucks her phone into her
pocket, her picture album finally exhausted.
This is twin sixth sense when I was thinking about Ness already. I sit with Lucy in the small garden
of our childhood home, watching the birds flit around.
She just had a birthday.
Oh, Id like to have given her a present, why didnt you say? Lucy pushes me.
She doesnt like presents.
I have some great pictures I took of you guys. I could frame one.
She doesnt want too much stuff to move.
Why? wheres she going?
I close my eyes. Now I have to open up to Lucy too. Acknowledge the reality. Shes going
backpacking. For a year.
Lucys face lights up. Cool! Are you going too?
Yeah right. Im at uni. And I have no money. God knows how many times Ive had the thought,
attempted to hold in the frustration of the situation and not let the irritation mar an evening with Ness.
Sure, I could take a year off university. If I had the money, and if Ness wanted me to go with her. I
dont have the money. And now Im unsure Ness would want me anyway.
Good point. Lucy stands and walks across the garden to the late daffodils, bending and touching
their delicate yellow petals. She picks one, and twirls the flower in her hands. Do you love her?
My twin regards me with eyes identical to my own, a perfect reflection of myself looks back at me.
I cant reply. Tell her how you feel. I can tell you dont want her to go.
I did tell her. Kind of. But I cant ask her to stay.
Lucy sits back next to me. Why not?
Of course Lucy would see the situation simplistically. Her raw emotions wouldnt stand for

something this complex. Life is black and white to her.

The realization hits me. Lucys the reason. She pursued me when I escaped, tried to stop me living
my life. Didnt want me to leave. I dont want to stop Ness doing what she needs in the way Lucy
stops me.
Im not asking anyone to change their plans for me. Ness wants to do this. Ill wait for her to
come back.
Lucy hands me the daffodil and wanders off to pick another. Well, she doesnt love you then.
Her words are spoken in such a matter of fact way, but they twist my stomach. Our shared fear of
abandonment, mine hidden so deeply Ive never acknowledged the feeling. The reason I cant tell
Ness. Because shes rejecting me by leaving.
I think she does, Lucy.
Think? She never told you? Lucy straightens, daffodil in hand. Then maybe she doesnt.
My mind runs through our times together, the natural easiness of being with her. The surging inside
when I see her after even a few hours away, reflected back at me in the warmth of her eyes. The way
she touches me, holds me - and understands when to let go.
People who love you dont leave you, says Lucy.
The twisting in my stomach moves to my chest and in Lucys eyes theres a hardness Ive seen
before. A couple of years ago, at the bottom of her blackest hole, when she cried like a child; like the
five year old child who couldnt understand why her mother left. The memory jabs at the wound in my
own heart and the realization hits me, illuminating the last hidden corner of my mind. I cant give
myself to someone wholl leave.

Chapter 24

NESS
After I speak to Abby about the situation, I try and contact Evan. Hes still talking to me, but hes
in Lancaster and Im irritated by the power Evans past has over him and how he wont admit to this.
Evan has things in the now that need his attention. Hes short with me on the phone, tells me hell
call me when he gets back. I lie in bed, heart pumping unease through me, a physical sensation of
everything shifting in my world.
We arrange to meet and the butterflies spin around inside as if were going on a first date. Dry
mouthed, I wait for him in the park near the university buildings. His choice of neutral ground and
open space, away from people, fuels my anxiety. I wait on a bench, shadowed from the spring
sunshine by a large oak tree. In the shade, the breeze is cooler and I shiver, wishing Id brought a
jacket to wear over my summer dress.
On the path close by, students walk towards the university. Couples. I scroll through Facebook,
focus on other peoples lives so I dont have to think about mine.
When Evan arrives, hes jacket-less, wearing a band T-shirt I bought him, the muscled arms I hide
in for comfort are bare. My heart rate speeds up, a mixture of fear and desire for him.
Setting his bag of books on the ground, he sits then leans in and softly kisses me, warm mouth on
my cool lips. I deliberately inhale his scent. Musky; Evan; comfort. Only a weekend away and his
absence feels like forever. I realize the two cant co-exist - my plans and my relationship. Travel and
Evan. His palm goes to my knee and I stroke the back of his hand.
I missed you, I say.
You too. His words are instant, an automatic response.
How was poetry class?
I didnt have poetry today.
His words constrict my heart, our usual comical exchange of greeting cut short. Oh. Okay.
Evan rubs his face. Ness, I dont know what to say to you anymore.
This hits me in my thumping heart. Say to me?
I cant open up to you anymore than I have. Not when He inhales. Not when youre going to
leave me.
After all these weeks, hes finally straight to the point, and as if his decision has been made.
Moving his hand from my knee, he rests both on his, rubbing his legs.
Why havent you spoken to me about this until now? If my leaving was stressing you so much?
And say what? I held the words in, and then the other day I told you I didnt want you to leave.

Knowing it was a selfish thing to say. And then you hit me back with accusations I dont feel enough
for you.
I blink at the side of his head, hes looking at the ground and not me. I didnt say that. I just
wanted to know why you didnt...say.
One of the reasons I didnt say anything is because of the amount I care about you. I didnt want to
spoil the time we had.
By hiding from the future?
No, by living in the present. Evan leans forward to study the ground. Maybe I have held more
of me back than I should, but so have you. And whats the point anyway?
The point in what?
Evan turns his head to me, his cheeks pink and the intensity of his gaze knocks me more than
anything hes said. The point in loving you.
My tensions dissolves into nausea, not the relief I expected. I asked him for this but hes telling me
in such a negative way.
See, thats why. In your face. He looks away again.
I reach out to him, move his hair so I can see the side of his face but he wont meet my eyes.
Evan, I care so much for you.
He breathes in so deeply I can hear the air rush into his chest and he puts his head in his hands. I
know. And I feel so much for you it scares me. I dont want you to hurt me.
This is wrong. We should be saying the words as we hold each other, look at each other and see
the truth in our eyes. As his eyes have held the truth so many times, when theyve told me so much
more than three stupid words.
Evan I need him to look at me, to see this again.
Evan sits back hard against the bench seat, looking at the English summer sky. My heart pounds,
apprehensive as to what hell say next. A crushing realization hits me. I dont want to lose him.
He shifts in his seat, turning my face to him gently. Ness, I love you and I shouldnt need to tell
you. But its true. And I dont want you to go, I cant imagine not seeing you for so long. I think you
wont come back, or will forget me.
Tears sting my eyes as I try to blink them away, unsuccessfully as one escapes down my cheek. I
cant stay here. In Leeds. Doing this job. I wish you could come too.
He lets go of my face. I cant. Its not possible.
Why? We could go together?
I cant leave the country, he whispers, not so soon.
The answer hits me. Lucy?
Partly. But also, financially. And Im studying. This isnt the right moment in my life to do what
youre doing.
I hear only the part about Lucy. I fooled myself shed retreated into the background. Now I
understand. Shes the reason hed never agree to come with me, even if he had the money and
opportunity. Shes strangling the life from him.
Now I dont know what to say, Evan.
Maybe we crossed paths at the wrong time. Like we were meant to fall in love with each other,
but not be together. Hes not touching me anymore, staring towards the trees, thinking aloud.
So what do we do? I dont want to say the words. Do we end things now? Or keep going, until
I leave? See what happens while Im away? And how things are when I come back. My desperate
heart pumps the words from my mouth, the thoughts that circle in my head finally spoken.

I dont know.
The nausea rises. The situation is pushing my emotions to the edge of self-control. He finally says
he loves me but then says he doesnt know if he wants us to be together anymore. The contradiction in
his words spins me out.
You love me but you dont know? Then you dont love me enough. This would never work. You
wouldnt wait for me. I stand, aware of the shaking inside moving its way to my arms and hands.
No, I care about you too much. When Im with you, the only place I want to be is closer. Evan
stands and reaches out to me but I cant let him fold me into his arms, into his world. He drew me so
tightly to him, and now hes kicked me so hard everything hurts.
Youre not making any sense, Evan. I step back and fold my arms.
He drops his arms and shakes his head. I know. Thats why Ive never spoken about this stuff
before. Im fucked up, Ness. So screwed up by the past, in ways you cant imagine. I cant get hurt
again, not now.
Im hurting you? Where did that come from?
Yes.
This is the last thing I want to hear. Nobody should be in a relationship which hurts them, put
themselves through pain and for what? Me to leave him anyway? His pain at the prospect of being left
is so great he couldnt tell me about it until now. This is wrong. Ive deluded myself everything will
be okay, and having a here and now relationship, with no plans for the future, was possible. I turn
away, walk towards the edge of the park. When he doesnt follow me, I have the answer I need. My
heart breaks and all the butterflies inside me die.
****
NESS
I dont see Evan again after our meeting. Everything stops. Suddenly. The afternoon in the park
cycles around and around in my mind. One short conversation of contradictory statements and now
this. Finished. I blame myself; cant believe I pushed him into a corner. Evan fought his way out,
saying what he expected me to say, but hurting himself in the process.
I was too caught up in my own plans, perhaps should have considered the effect my leaving would
have on our relationship. On our emotions. But I didnt. Neither of us wanted to face the future, living
the days as they came, which we thought was the right thing to do. We never realized how the more
time we spent together, the closer it tied us.
Now the exact reason why I didnt factor Evan into my plans has arisen - our relationship hasnt
lasted long enough to make my leaving an issue. If Id altered my plans for Evan, my resentment
towards him would be as bad as the hurt and anger I feel now. Why did I get involved when I knew
Id leave? Because I didnt think Id fall in love.
Three days later, a knee-jerk reaction and a bottle of wine finds me booking my flight ticket on the
internet. Round the world. Starting in Europe. Screw him .
The next day I post the date Im leaving on Facebook, proudly showing everyone what Im going to
achieve. Some of my already traveling, backpacking friends send suggestions for meet ups.
Excitement replaces my moping, returning my focus to what I wanted all along, before Evan
interrupted me.

Evan changes his Facebook status. Were no longer in a relationship.

His immaturity stings. I call him but he doesnt answer and my texts go ignored. How is this the
guy who told me he loved me a few days ago?
I wish Lucy really had been an ex or a current girlfriend; I think Id have coped better. And never
got involved.
****
EVAN
Slamming the laptop closed, I pick up my phone and call Matt. I dont know why I expected her to
tell me when she booked the flights, but the fact she didnt seals things. This is over. I cant let Ness
hurt me anymore and I definitely cant wait for her to come back next year. Ive no idea why I ever
thought I could.
All week, I waited and procrastinated. Not knowing what to do, or whether she wanted to fix
things after our argument. Our second argument in as many weeks. I decide its all too hard. Then she
makes the decision for me anyway. I resist the urge to drown myself in nights out but the life from
before beckons me back.
I love her. I told her what she wanted me to, but this still wasnt good enough for her. Ill never be
good enough for her, she was always going to leave me.

Chapter 25

SUMMER
NESS
The countdown clock on my blog greets me every day when I update my posts. I have everything
worked out, meticulously planned. Three weeks to go. And one week only left in call center hell. My
butterfly brooch is pinned to my notice board and most days I look at it and consider Evan; hope hes
okay. Once I got through my anger at his behavior, I filed him away in the things I cant deal with box.
Hed become a best friend and splitting up hurt like hell, but the timing wasnt right. I guess hes right,
maybe at our age people fall in love but are never meant to stay together. A tiny part of me doesnt
believe this about us.
Abby is busy sitting end of year exams and discovering her student union card doubles as a library
card. Whod have known This time last year, we were sitting A levels and moving along the
education conveyor belt. At least I jumped off. Shes considering what to do with her summer, stay
here or go home. Staying here would involve finding a job, I suspect shell go home and catch up with
old friends who headed to different universities.
We need to vacate the house. With me going, Abby decides shes moving in with some friends next
year.
A week later, Abby finishes her exams and launches herself back into her original behavior. A
swan song before the holidays. Her attitude to relationships shifted over the year, moving from falling
heavily to having fun. I shouldve taken a leaf out of her book. Shes had several other guys in her life
since Kyle. Unfortunately, shes ended the year back with Matt. I knew something was wrong, she got
cagey even though the stress of her exams was over. The day she brought him into the house was when
I found out. My heart raced as he came in, expecting Evan to walk in the door behind him. Evan
wasnt with him, and never came here with Matt and his friends. I skirted around the subject of Evan
when I spoke to Matt, I dont need ghosts from the past when Im moving on.
Abby and company decide to got to Blackpool for a weekend. And company includes Evan. I
push away the remnants of jealousy that fill my imagination with Evan and girls. I remind myself, hes
not mine. Opening my laptop and focusing on foreign countries helps. Packing the contents of the
house doesnt. Funny how the mind wanders as soon as you start putting cups into boxes. Since Abby
should be doing her share, I give up and go back to my laptop and ignore the nerves starting to
accompany my excitement at leaving.
I didnt count on the fact staying alone in the house would worry me. Sure, I was used to being

alone in the evenings when Abby goes out, but something about being alone for several days freaks
me out. Nobody else I know lives around here. And what upsets me the most is the niggly voice,
laughing at me, asking me how traveling the world on my own is a possibility if I cant spend a
couple of nights alone in Leeds.
****
Im dreaming. One of those strange dreams where reality encroaches and your mind tries to keep
you asleep. Something is banging. Banging so incessantly my body leaps out of the dream into the
night, heart thumping to match the noise. The sound comes from the front door. I scrunch the duvet
between my fingers, eyes darting around. For what? A weapon? Like thatd help. Weve got decent
locks, strong enough to prevent someone kicking the door down so thats not a worry. I just need to
wait for whoever is outside to go. This has happened before, drunks mistaking our house for theirs the row of redbrick terraces with identical frontages makes this entirely possible in the dark.
The banging doesnt stop and I consider calling the police. And saying what? No-ones threatened
me. I wish Abby was here. No, I wish Evan was here. My clothes from yesterday are slung over a
chair and I pull them on. I squint at my phone - 2am.
Slowly, I walk down the stairs.
I hold my breath and listen when the knocking pauses. Who is it? Oh my god, I sound like Im in
a dodgy horror film.
Ness! Ness! Is he there? Open the door.
Blood pools into my ankles. Lucy?
Wheres Evan? I need to find him! Her voice has an edge of hysteria, the same tone the day we
first met outside the pub.
I slide the chain and unlatch the door. Lucy pushes past me and closes the door. She has no shoes
on.
Lucy? What are you doing here?
Evan. Is he upstairs? She shoves me to one side, taking the stairs two at a time. My bedroom
door slams open and shut again. Lucy reappears at the top of the stairs. Where is he?
Let me get you a drink? I speak calmly, trying to recall how Evan spoke to his sister last time
she came here.
Lucys appearance freaks me out. Apart from having no shoes, her face is pale and eyes wide.
When she looked at me as she came in the house, I saw dilated pupils. Somethings happened.
Wheres Evan? she repeats, sitting on the top step.
I dont know. Telling her hes in Blackpool doesnt seem like a clever idea.
Why not?
We dont see each other anymore, Lucy. Didnt he say?
She pushes her long curls from her eyes. Maybe. I dont remember. So hes not coming here
tonight?
No, have you tried calling him?
You know he doesnt answer my calls.
This surprises me. I believed things had changed in their relationship. I guess Ive been out of the
loop too long. And it looks like Im back in the loop again.
Lucy paces around and she looks to the front door. I cant let her leave. Let me get you a drink.
Ill call around some people, see if we can find him.

She sits in the armchair, jiggling her foot on the floor. Okay, someone can find him, right?
Im sure we can.
I want to ask her whats wrong but Im not sure if thats a good idea. Im not sure at all what to do
in this situation; apart from looking for Evan.
My phone is upstairs, so I take a glass of water to Lucy and tell her Im going to make some calls.
Hands shaking, I dial Evans number. We havent spoken in over a month and this isnt a great way to
reconnect. The phone rings out and when his voicemail kicks in desire to see him surges through me,
on hearing his voice again.
I hang up, dont want to leave this news as a message. Abby. I try her phone, same thing,
voicemail. This time I leave a message asking her to call me urgently. They could be anywhere asleep, partying, out Or Evan could be busy with a girl.
I return to Lucy, whos standing up again, chewing her nails. Have you found out where he is?
No. But I will. Its late - theyre probably asleep. Maybe you should wait here until the
morning?
Lucy rubs her face with both hands and I notice nail marks on her arms, five in a semi-circle. I
dont know
Where else will you go? Wait here, then when we find him, hell come back.
Her eyes widen to saucers again. Do you think he will come for me?
Not sure if I should, I reach out and rub her cold arm anyway. He always does, doesnt he?

Chapter 26

NESS
I jerk awake, catching up with where I am. My arm hurts where Ive lain against in the armchair.
Lucy is asleep on the sofa, curled beneath the blanket I put over her. Once she realized I wasnt going
to conjure up Evan for her, she stopped talking, drank her water then stared at her phone for a while.
After an hour, I decided shed forgotten anyone was with her. Having no clue at all how to deal with
the situation, I sat up with her. The possibility she might leave again my biggest concern - and how to
explain to Evan if she did, if something happened to her before he came back for her. Which he will.
Uncurling myself from the armchair, I reach out for my own phone and check the screen. Abby
hasnt responded and if Evan noticed my number as a missed call, hes decided not to call. I sneak
upstairs, glancing back to make sure Lucy stays asleep. What the hell am I doing?
After three attempts, Evan answers.
What? Hes distant; a confused and tired voice.
Its Vanessa. I need to talk to you.
Ness? What the hell? Do you know what time it is?
I roll my eyes at the predictability of his reaction but my stomach knots. Its 8am.
Too early. Are you trying to get in touch with Abby? Shes not with me right now but I can find
her.
Theres rustling as he moves.
No, I need to talk to you.
A silence. This is a bit random. I thought you werent talking to me.
Me ? There is so much I want to say to him but I bite the words back. I havent got time to get
into that.
Then what?
God, I cant believe Im about to land this on him. Where are you?
Why? His tone sharpens.
Are you back in Leeds?
No, Im in Blackpool. You know that.
Okay I cant hide the affront.
His tone softens. Look, sorry, Im tired. And hungover.
My imagination sees him in bed with a girl and I shake the image away. I breathe in shakily breath,
and hate I have to land this on him. On Evan, the guy out living his carefree life with his mates.
Relaxing. Escaping.

Its Lucy.
Lucy? He snaps the word back, theres no silence this time.
Shes with me, in the house and I dont know what to do.
Fuck. When? I mean, why? Shit. Is she okay? On the other end of the line, theres more rustling
and a belt jangling.
I dont know whats wrong. I didnt want to ask, Evan. I tried calling last night
FuckI was
Out of it? Again the image of Evan and a girl, but I have no right to be jealous anymore.
Unconscious. Shit. Im coming back. I dont have my car. Fuck. Okay, Ill get the train His
stream of consciousness reminds me of Lucy, the night I first met her. Incoherent panic.
Calm down, Evan. Shes okay. Just clicking her fingers and youre right back with her. Im
shocked at myself, such a cruel thing to think. The girl is sick.
NessMy phone batterys low, Im going to go. Ill call you when I get back to Leeds - tell her
Im coming back.
Evan hangs up and I stare at the phone, mind blanked by the situation. The front door slams, jerking
me back to reality. The small knot in my stomach constricts, as I approach the top of the stairs. A
scrunched up blanket remains on the sofa, but no Lucy.
Lucy?
I charge downstairs, hoping shes in the kitchen but knowing she wont be. Lucy, my shoes, and my
bag have gone.
****
How anybody can disappear so quickly, Ive no idea. I run to the end of the street but cant find
her. Unable to search due to the fact I dont have any shoes on, I slope back to the house, avoiding the
curious gazes of people watching me from the bus stop.
The next few hours, I try in vain to contact Evan. After the third attempt, I decide to stop, hell
freak out if he finds a stack of missed calls from me. I sit quietly, cradling a mug of tea and trying to
fathom why Lucy would behave like this. Why shed come here. How the hell did she remember
where I live?
The house faces straight onto the street, and every passerby can be heard through the window. I
jump at each set of footsteps approaching, waiting for Evan and rehearsing what Ill say to him.
His knock is gentler than Lucys was, but not much. When I open the door, he pauses before
stepping inside and dropping a bag on the floor. Evan smells bad. All-nighter, beer-and-kebab bad,
and he looks like crap. Dark rings circle his dull eyes, and his skin is pale. I feel like Im going to be
sick, dont want to have the next conversation with him.
Wheres Lucy? Evan walks to the kitchen, looks in then spins back round. Ness? Where is
she?
Shakily, I sit on the sofa. She left, Evan.
Left? Where?
I dont know. After I spoke to you, I came downstairs and shed gone.
Evan stares at me, tired eyes widening. Hes chewing his mouth, I think hes trying not to shout.
Sorry, I mutter.
Turning on his heel, Evan disappears into the kitchen and I jump as a loud bang echoes out of the
door. Evan swears repeatedly and I hesitate, not knowing what to do or say. When I go in, hes facing
away from me, both hands stretched across the sink.

Do you have any idea where she went? he asks hoarsely, not turning.
Shes looking for you.
But she doesnt know where I am. He turns and leans against the sink. Did she tell you what
happened? How was she? Manic? Depressed?
As he says each word, I shake my head. Im not a Lucy expert, Ive only met her a few times and
two of those shes been unwell. I dont knowout of it. She had no shoes on.
Shes wandering the streets with no shoes? The edge of panic hes been holding down creeps in.
Shes got my shoes. And my bag. So shes got some money.
Evan straightens. I need to use your phone.
Im feeling spaced out with the events of the last few hours, I cant imagine how Evan must be
coping.
After giving him my phone, I make tea and return to the lounge. Such an English thing to do - make
tea in a crisis. Evan slouches across one arm of the sofa, supporting his head and staring into space.
Who did you call?
Everyone. He picks at the edge of the sofa arm. Dad, her doctor, her flatmates. No-ones heard
from her.
Do you know why? Why shes relapsed or whatever?
She split up with her boyfriend a few weeks back apparently. No-one noticed her mood changes
though. Shes good at hiding things until she cant control the illness anymore.
Setting the mugs down, I sit in the chair opposite him. What do we do?
Evan turns his pained brown eyes to me and Im overwhelmed with the urge to hold the lost
looking person in front of me.
Theres nothing we can do. Shes not even a missing person yet. Officially. Dads going to talk to
the police anyway. Ill have to hope shes still looking for me. He springs to his feet. Phone. I need
to charge my phone.
Does Lucy have a phone? We can call her.
I tried. Voicemail. Her phone is probably out of charge too.
Evan hovers and we awkwardly edge around each other so he can reach into his bag. Pulling his
charger out, he stands uncertainly. Gently, I take it from him, and place it on the table. I curl my hand
around his and squeeze. Ill sort this out, Evan. Why dont you get a shower? Ill wait here for phone
calls. Youll feel better and then we can decide what you want to do.
Last time he pauses and pulls his hand away. Last time she did this, things didnt end well.

Chapter 27

EVAN
Ness drives me home. To Lancaster, I mean. The world around is cold and alien, fear and anger
barely contained beneath my facade. But beside me is Ness. Calming, beautiful Ness who knows what
to say and when to say nothing. She gets me. Understands like nobody else ever has. I want to tell her
what this means to me, but Im dead inside. Numb. I keep picturing Lucys body, waiting for a call
from the police. Almost forty eight hours and no-ones heard from her.
We sit in the garden, where I sat with Lucy in spring. The daffodils have gone, gardening isnt
something Dad does so the soil is barren now, apart from the dandelions Lucy used to love as a child.
Summer fills the air around us - the birds, the smell of mown grass and the sun shining on the brown
and green of the distant hills.
Two days and no news. All we can do is wait. Im paralyzed, cant do anything but sit near the
phone. Im in a distant dream, a nightmare where I dont know if my sister is alive or dead.
I have to get back today, says Ness, I have a shift in the morning.
Sometimes I forget shes there. Sure.
Ness puts her hand on my knee again, she keeps doing that. I want to hold her and tell her how I
feel about her, but I cant.
Unless you need me to stay.
Breath shudders from my lungs. Need. What causes all the fuck ups in my life. I look at her. You
do what you need, Ness.
Her eyes shine with tears. I need to know if youre okay.
I cant stop looking at her, the beautiful mouth I once kissed is set in a hard line, a crease of
concern above her shining eyes. And I wish Id never pushed her away.
With the shuddering breath come the words I shouldve said a day ago, each and every time shes
asked me. Im not okay.
Ness reaches a hand and touches my face with gentle fingers. Im here, she says. I close my eyes,
cant feel. Cant let anyone in.
I jerk in surprise as her lips touch mine. One soft, buzz of a kiss, and she pulls away again. The
desire to hold Ness, and feel her warmth, flows into me, the need to reconnect with her
overwhelming. I lean forward and kiss her too, place my mouth on her familiar, soft lips. We embrace
and kiss slowly even though my body aches to pull her tight, hold her to me and never let go.
Moving my face away, I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand. Thank you.
She takes my hand and squeezes. Ill stay if you need me to.

Dark smudges sit beneath Nesss eyes, shes slept in my bed while Ive lain awake downstairs; but
I dont think shes had much sleep either.
You should go, I tell her.
Ness moves my hair from my face. You need someone here for you.
I wish she wouldnt use that word. Im fine.
No youre not; your sisters missing and youre struggling.
Ive managed before. She tries to hold my hand again and I cant, I pull it away. Ness. Dont.
Id rather cope alone.
Inhaling deeply, Ness rubs her tired eyes. I know we havent spoken for a few weeks, but I do
care about you, Evan. I hate seeing you hurting. I want to help.
You have helped. But you have your own life to go back to.
The battery farm can wait, what are they going to do? Sack me? Ive only got a week left
anyway Ness trails off as my eyes betray how I feel. Sorry, I mean
Until you go. Its okay, not as if I expect you to be around forever.
I dont know what she sees in my face, because Im sure everything Im feeling is hidden well, but
her eyes fill with tears. I close mine, not wanting to see them spill. Why is she crying? She sniffs and I
open them, to see her shake her head and blink before offering me a weak smile.
Im here for you now, she says softly, putting both hands on my cheeks.
Sometimes people say something really small, but the words fit right into an empty space in your
heart.
I put my hands over hers. I love you.
And the barely contained tears spill down her face, from eyes continuing to search mine.
Reflecting me, pushing into my soul. My hands remain on hers as she kisses me, wet cheek catching in
my stubbled face. I need to hold onto what I have now, and deal with the pain when I lose her.
****
NESS
An emotionally raw Evan holds my hands, warm and rough, as if he doesnt want to let go. For the
last two days Ive stayed with him, listened to him and calmed him. Followed his frustration at the
lack of help available. The insight Ive gained into what hes dealt with over the last few years
breaks my heart. This is the third time Lucy has done this, and each time he took charge. As a sixteen
year old, he was the one who took on the responsibility for his twins health. I tell Evan how wrong
this is, how if she were physically unwell nobody wouldve asked him to care for her. Evan shakes
his head, wont listen.
A phone rings inside the house and Evan drops his hands and mine from his face, turning his head
to the sound. My phone. He darts inside and brings my phone back, passes the phone to me.
Disappointment flickers across his face.
Vanessa? Are you okay? Where are you? Mums voice is several octaves higher than usual and I
can hear my Dads voice in the background.
Mum, Im fine, staying with a friend. Why? Are you in Leeds?
No. The police called. Theres a girl, she had your purse and shes in hospital and the description
didnt sound like you As my Mum rambles in panic, I turn my gaze to Evan fighting back tears.

Is she okay? The girl?

Evan pales and steps towards me. What? Whats going on?
I dont know if shes okay, darling, were out of our minds with worry. Did someone steal your
purse?
No. No, I know her. Where is she?
Can I talk to her? Please? Evan holds out his hand, eyes desperate.
I hand him the phone and he walks away, back into the garden. He talks, voice low and I cant
hear.
When Evan returns, he hands me the phone. Shes in Manchester.
Lucy? Where?
He looks at me oddly. Hospital. They found her wandering on a main road. Confused. Your mum
gave me the polices number, Ill call them now.
Call your Dad at work.
Evan rubs his head. Why?
You need to stop owning this, Evan. I say the words as gently as I can. Ive held off saying them
for two days but I cant anymore.
She needs my help, Ness.
No, she needs help . Not just yours.
My mind harks back to the first time we encountered Lucy in our relationship, the disgust I felt at
Evans familys reliance on him. And how, months later, I was certain hed moved away from his
imagined obligation to her. Clearly, this never happened.
Dont start this now, he says quietly.
The vulnerable Evan who kissed me outside has already retreated, back to the switched off Evan
who copes by closing down. He needs me, but needs me to be who Ive been the last two days. The
rest can be talked about later.
****
I miss my shift, to drive Evan and his Dad to Manchester. Lucy is in an emergency ward which I
cant fathom, because Evan said she was physically okay. Evan patiently explains to me the failings
of the Public Health system. Everything Ive seen and heard repeatedly my whole life, heard my
parents complain about. Now I see first hand, because this situation touches my life. Theres nowhere
else for her to go and she wasnt well enough to wait alone for us to arrive. So shes waiting in a
cubicle, frightened and confused. I feel sick.
Evan and his Dad leave me in the waiting room where my eyes open to the world I have been
protected from. No illness interrupted my family or childhood, none of the struggles lain out around
ever touched me. I realize the system isnt failing only Lucy, but Evan too. And people like him. I lean
my head against the magnolia painted wall, bunched up on a bucket seat amongst other people waiting
for treatment. My eyelids wont stay open and I doze, the sound of children and nurses around me.
Evan touches me on the shoulder and I jump back to consciousness.
Is she okay? I ask.
Tiredness creases his face, but his color is back. Hes not happy, but better.
She will be. Nothing happened to her, as far as we know. But we dont know where shes been.
Shes not very coherent.
I nod even though I dont understand. So, what do you do now?

I dont know what to do, Dad wants to leave her here but shes panicking and wont agree. If he
pushes for her to stay and she refuses, theyll have to section her. Keep her here in a locked ward so
she cant disappear again. And the more agitated she gets, the more likely that is to happen. Evan
heaves out a breath, following his nutshell explanation.
I balk at the barbaric attitude. What? Why doesnt your Dad want to take her home? Shes not
dangerous
No, but shes dangerous to herself. Look what happened, wandering around like she did not
knowing where she was. And she cant just go to the hospital in Lancaster, theres no room. And if
they keep her, she stays here. In emergency. Until they have a bed and that could be days.
She needs to stay in hospital?
Shes not well enough to come home. I think she needs time in hospital, but not locked away.
Shes confused and unhappy, but Ive seen her worse. It would be best if she could go back to the
hospital she was at before, in Lancaster. But thats not possible.
I grasp at words but find none suitable.
Evan sits on the uncomfortable plastic chair next to me. I dont know what to do.
Let your Dad decide.
He doesnt understand.
Then let the doctors explain to him.
He shakes his head.
Evan, please listen. You need to let go of this. When she realizes youre not the answer, shell
stop coming to you for the answers you dont have. For what you cant give her.
She needs me. Look what happens when Im not there.
You need to live your life. And you are doing all you can.
I dig my nails into my palms to stop myself saying more he wont want to hear. The situation, him,
everything is frustrating me. Hes drowning in his sisters illness. Evan leans forwards onto his
knees, arms wrapped around his head.
The helplessness I feel is a drop in the sea of the troubles he has.

Chapter 28

NESS
I leave the next morning, take Evan and his Dad home and return to Leeds. Persuading Evan to
come back to Leeds fails. Lucy remains at the hospital in Manchester, so Evan leaving her for
Lancaster is a big step I guess. A few days later, Lucy moves to the hospital in Lancashire Evan
mentioned. We talk a few times on the phone over the next few weeks. I think Evan living close to
her is unhealthy for both of them.
Most of the flat is boxed now. Work has finished and Im counting down until I leave. But
something no longer feels right. Listening to Evan speaking to the hassled looking registrar, listening
to stories of Lucys lack of consistent treatment, seeing her reality pushed into a world I was unaware
of.
Im confused and as the days pass, my thoughts of Evan become a longing to see him. Phone calls
arent enough anymore. I have to talk to him in person.
Weve spoken a few times since the day in the garden but so much is hanging, I cant leave the
country without speaking to him again. But I dont want to go to see him in Lancaster. And I think it
will be good for Evan if he leaves there for a while. Leaves Lucy. He agrees to come and see me on
the day he returns to pack up his dorm room.
****
Evan arrives at the house and Im relieved to see how much better he looks. His color is back and
the eyes are his lively, Evan eyes again. He hugs me awkwardly and I embrace him tightly, to indicate
its okay, but he draws back. He eyes the stack of boxes around the room.
When is it you move out?
End of the week.
He rubs his lips together in the way people do when theyre trying not to bite their lip.
And you escaped the farm? he asks, smiling. The smile doesnt reach his eyes.
Thank god.
The awkward small talk from months ago has resumed; Evans hidden away the emotions again.
How about you? All packed? I ask.
Yeah, Im leaving tomorrow.
I hover and he taps the edge of the sofa. Theres so much I want to talk to him about but hes
closed to me. Before I go. And you go. I want to take you somewhere, he says.

Oh. I hope its a picnic? I hope he can join the light-heartedness.

Somewhere I think youd like. Just for the afternoon. There may be picnics involved. He smiles,
the Evan smile Ive missed for so long.
****
We drive across the City, not out towards the motorway as I expected. Not to our mill town. I
wriggle backwards in my seat, happiness bubbling inside me. Some normal. Im not mentioning Lucy
unless he does.
The car fills with conversation skirting around the things we need to talk about, and I hope were
not going back to ignoring things again. I hear all about Matt, I tell him about Abby, the call centre...
Outside of those things we cant mention anything else. So the conversation stalls.
We arrive at a park, acres of green grass leading to a lake and lined by woods. His car tires
crunch over gravel as he parks near a building.
Where are we going? I ask as I step out.
Leave your jacket, its warm.
The June skies arent clear of clouds and I shiver slightly. No, it isnt.
Inside. Where were going. Its quite humid in there.
I frown at him and wrap my arms around myself, my thin green vest top and jeans not warm enough
for the outside temperature. As we approach the wooden building, I look at the sign.
Tropical World? I ask curiously
Evan eases me forward around the shoulder. Its fun, believe me.
By the time weve meandered through the strange indoor zoo, I understand why he told me to leave
my jacket. The moisture in the air is breathable, pooling on the misting windows. Past the meerkats,
who will forever remind me of Lucy, we come to a curtain of strips of thick plastic hanging from the
ceiling. I raise a quizzical eyebrow at Evan as he pushes the curtain open; I walk inside.
The humidity here multiplies, a domed greenhouse of plants interspersed by wooden walkways
and bridges.
This is what I wanted to show you, he says, leaning to whisper into my ear.
I decide hes lost the plot because Ive never once expressed any interest in horticulture. Theres
some beautiful tropical plants in here, stretching to the ceiling and winding their way across the
bridges. But not my thing.
Nice.
Evan laughs. Funny, Ness, you couldnt lie if your life depended on it. Come here.
Evan takes my hand and leads me to the edge of a wooden bridge. Stand still. And look.
A bird of paradise plant bends towards me, the bright orange beak in full bloom. Behind are lower
plants, hyacinths, and on them are white butterflies. Movement catches my eye and I look around me.
Butterflies in multitudes of sizes and color flit around everywhere I look, and I pull back as a bright
blue one drifts towards me.
Stand still, it might land on you, Evan says.
I freeze and turn my eyes to him. Hes leaning against a wooden hand rail, and the look Evan has,
Ive seen before. Peaceful happiness as his whole smile fills the world around him. His eyes shine as
he looks around at the small butterflies around us.
And all I want to do is cry, never thinking sentiment would be something to move me like this.
Butterfly days? I almost breathe the words.

Before you go, there are butterfly days. If you want.

Theres hesitancy in his voice as he looks at my tearing eyes, fear hes upset me crossing his face.
I smile and go over to him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my head in his chest. Evans
warmth and comfort surround me, the scent of him flooding my mind with memories. His strong arms
hesitantly wind around me, and he strokes my hair as I rest my head against his steady heartbeat.
Youre not crying are you? he asks.
No. I look into his worried eyes and touch his lips. Youre a surprising person.
What can I say, you bring out the best in me.
All I want now is to kiss him. I dont care about people or butterflies or Lucy or anything. Just
Evan. I stumble into him, weaving my hands into his hair and tugging his face towards me. I can tell
hes surprised, when my lips meet his hes not ready, and for a moment I wonder if Im doing the right
thing. But when my kiss is returned with the same tender insistence, I know everything is okay.
I can tell he wants to talk, but I dont want to listen. I just want to be in the moment with him and
turn it into a memory. So I refuse to take my mouth from his.

Chapter 29

NESS
Evan spreads out a blanket, halfway down a grassed slope towards the large lake. Despite being a
weekday, there are plenty of people enjoying the half-hearted summers day. When the sun shines
through the clouds, its sticky. My arms and legs are exposed by the short, flowery sundress I wear,
and the rough rug scratches my legs as I sit down.
The first time Evan took me for a picnic, I couldnt see the connection between the romantic Evan
and the Evan whod taken me to bed. Id considered it a trick, part of his girl-chasing repertoire.
After months of knowing him, Im aware this side of him is hidden below the surface from all but a
select few. And I know thats partly why he pushed me away.
Evan pulls out a large bag of crisps and a bottle of Coke, sets them on the blanket and grins at my
expression. You said guys should bring this to picnics?
I laugh at my Evan showing through. Good, but I prefer cheese and onion flavor.
Evan shakes his head, and pulls out sandwiches. Okay, youll have to have one of these instead.
Ill get cheese and onion next time.
The words stick into me. Next time . I think he realizes too because he pauses and wont look at
me.
Hows Lucy doing? I ask him. We may as well work through our list of unspoken things: Lucy,
me leaving, him, me. Us. But I have something to tell him.
Better. He pours coke into a plastic cup. I think shes starting to get it.
Get it?
She apologized, she hasnt done that before. I think shes beginning to understand Im not the
answer.
I lean back on my elbows and look at him, wondering whether he also understands hes not the
answer. Thats good.
Yeah. I hope so. He pushes his long hair from his face and turns to me. Ive been talking to
someone myself. To help me understand what its doing to me.
Sitting back up, I put my hand on his outstretched leg. Im really pleased to hear that, you need
to.
He takes my hand. Because of you. I get what youve been telling me now. About her and the
effect on me.
As I unwrap a sandwich I consider his words. This explains why hes more relaxed, more the
Evan who shared my life for those few months before the misunderstandings.

About what I said. In the garden. He blurts, the words of someone holding them in too long.
The sandwich doesnt look appetizing anymore, my stomach flips over as I wait for what he has to
say.
I want you to know I mean it. And Ill wait for you to come back. If youll wait for me, he says.
I shake my head because I cant talk, throat constricting.
His eyes widen and then he turns and lies back onto the blanket. Okay, I understand. A year is too
long.
No, I mean Im not going. For a year, I mean.
What do you mean? He props himself on his elbow, brow knitting.
Im only going for the summer now. I made some decisions and changed my mind about going for
a year. Its not the right thing to do. I take hold of my cup of soda and gulp.
Evans mouth parts slightly. Im confused. You never said.
Never said. When was the right time? The decision formed in the days in Lancaster, the aftermath.
The time alone surrounded by boxes. He wasnt there to talk to about my plans, and I needed to know
the decision was all mine.
Im not confident enough to go it alone. Not halfway across the world.
His hand curls around mine, the touch shooting tingles up my arm. You? Not confident? Ha.
And something else.
Why am I saying this? I havent finalized everything. I looked into the possibility, and spoke to the
right people. Swallowed a huge lump of pride and asked my Dad to pull strings. But sitting here now,
with Evan, Im certain this is the right choice. The summer noise of children in the park, birds in the
trees and a distant train. Serenity of being with Evan.
Im taking up my place in September. To study medicine.
To my surprise, Evan drops my hand and sits up. No. You dont want to do that. You never did.
I always did, but because my parents made such a big deal and made me feel like I had to do what
they wanted, I refused. Do you remember that night, when you said I was letting people control me by
doing something I didnt really want to do, just so I didnt do what they expected? You saw inside
me, and I dont know how. I took that stupid job only so I didnt do what they wanted. Thats messed
up.
Evan rubs his face with his hands and I wish I could fathom the thoughts behind the frowning face.
Is everything too late?
My decision is a little bit because of Lucy. I want to help people like her and I can if I become a
doctor. I think Im selfish if I dont use the skills I know I can achieve, to make a difference.
When Evan pushes himself to his feet and walks away from where were sitting, I dont know what
to do. He doesnt speak, stands and looks over at the expansive lake at the bottom of the slope. I curl
my arms around my knees, the fought back tears returning. The attraction I have to him never once
waned, even the days and weeks without him. But this blended with the magnetism of who he was, the
Evan he tried to share. The guy I spent months with, unaware how tangled we truly got. Standing there
now, I appreciate the snug fit of his jeans; the muscled arms and broad shoulders tensed in the moment
were in. I want him.
Evan turns back to me. Its what you want to do? Not because of
I cant tell him. Not yet. I stand and fill the space between us, reaching my hand to his face. Part
of the reason is because of you. With you in my life, now isnt the time to leave. I dont know about
the future, but I want to spend the now with you. If you want to.
Evan pulls my hand from his face and envelops me in the arms Ive just been admiring. He kisses

me until I cant breathe, until I have to push him away. He cups my face in his hands, eyes searching
my soul.
Of course I want you to stay here. I want to hold your hand, share your jokes, wake up in your
bed. And just be in the moment. I dont think you have a clue how fast my heart races when Im with
you.
I nod and smile though a tear pushes its way down my face. And he remains, holding me, as if he
never wants to let go. I breathe in my Evan smell, listen to his steady heartbeat through his chest and
the serenity around us spreads. This is natural, normal. Now.
****
As we get back to the car, Evan pauses by the drivers door and leans across the top towards me,
keys dangling from his hands.
Whats wrong?
He walks around, and folds his arms across his chest. Hes frowning but the Evan smile hints at
his lips. Ive said it. But youve still never said the words.
What?
He mouths the words at me and I cross my arms in return. Do you really need me to now? After
what Ive just told you?
His face folds into alarm, but Im chewing inside my lip, trying not to laugh. I reach out and touch
his face. When I saw you, I fell in love and you smiled because you knew
Shakespeare, huh? Youre getting good at this. A smile curves his mouth. Its not true anyway.
You didnt like me when you saw me.
Yeah, the first time I didnt.
And the second.
True.
Evan leans in and plants a gentle kiss on my nose. By the third time?
Growing on me, I think.
Winding my hand into his hair, I pull him forward and bite his lip. He makes a small noise in his
throat and grabs me by the rear, pulling me into him.
So it was the poetry! he says.
I laugh at him. That never ceases to amaze me.
What doesnt?
You. Poetry.
Byron was a poet and hes a bit like me. Apparently.
I was going to wait, but I cant now. Thats why were going.
Going where?
To Tuscany. Where the original Byron liked to go.
Evan rests against the car. We?
Summer stretches in front of us, three months of freedom before I become a student and Evan
returns to his study. Europe. Im going for the summer. Coming?
When?
A couple of weeks. Cashed in my flight ticket and Im using the money for a European tour
instead. Before I start uni in September. And I dont want to go on my own. Moving towards him, I

lean into his chest, enjoying the sensation of his body beneath mine.
I cant afford that, Ness.
Well get work when were there. And I have money to start with. And you seriously think Im
leaving you behind? We can drive there!
Evan tips his head and looks at his car. In yours maybe.
This is as close to a yes as I need. Grinning, I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my forehead
on his. I hoped youd want to come. Want me.
Ive always wanted you, I just didnt want to need you.
I begin to reply, to tell him how he walked into my life and made me understand the beauty of
letting go. But I cant because as soon as the words start to come out he crushes his mouth against me,
kissing me as if he never wants to stop. We press together, against his car, wrapped in desire and
understanding. Being with Evan is as natural as breathing. Even when I cant breathe because he shuts
me up with hard kisses that leave me breathless, shaking and wanting.

About the Author

Lisa was born in the UK and she moved around Europe with her military family before
completing a BA (Hons) in English at the University of Leeds. Her home is now in Perth, Australia
with her husband and three children. Lisa has written since she was a child - moving from writing
poems and short stories aged nine to writing novels in the last few years. With the encouragement of
her family and local writers group, Lisa found the confidence to share her latest paranormal romance
series with the world.
In between running her home based craft supplies business, looking after her family, and writing,
Lisa sometimes finds spare time to do other things. This often involves swapping her book worlds for
gaming worlds. She even leaves the house occasionally, enjoying walks with her dog and time with
her family. She loves all things from the Whedonverse and preferred vampires before they sparkled.
Lisa enjoys reading both classics and modern fiction. Her favorite genres are gothic, paranormal
and urban fantasy, but she also enjoys contemporary new adult. She is currently working on more
books in the Soul Ties series, and has other projects lined up waiting.

Facebook:
www.facebook.com/lisaswallowbooks
Twitter:
@lisa_swallow_au
Blog:
www.lisaswallow.net
Goodreads:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7091632.Lisa_Swallow