Professional Documents
Culture Documents
RANDOM JOKES
Anong blood type ang pwedeng motto? B-positive.
oOo
Matalinong babae + Matalinong lalaki = Romance
Matalinong lalaki + Bobong babae = Affair
Matalinong babae + Bobong lalaki = Kasal
Bobong lalaki + Bobong babae = Sexually Transmitted Disease
oOo
Gusto mo bang trabaho?
Meron sa PLDT, 10,000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung dialtone.
Meron sa DPWH, 10, 000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung speedbump.
Meron sa post office, 10,000 pesos per day. Didilaan mo lahat ng stamps.
oOo
A young boy asked his Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?
The father said, youre my son. Confident ako doon. Yung best friend mo sa school, anak ko rin yun.
Yun ang confidential.
oOo
Five tips for a happy mans life
1) Have a girl to help you at work
oOo
Teacher asks students: Ano gusto mo (maging) paglaki mo?
Pedro: Gusto ko tulong kapwa.
Jose: Gusto ko doktor para tulong kapwa.
Kiko: Gusto ko mayor para tulong kapwa.
Maria: Gusto lingkod kapwa.
Juan Tamad: Gusto ko ako ang kapwa.
POLITICIANS
Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.
Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong congressman!
Holdaper: Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!
oOo
Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllablespoli meaning many, plus ticks meaning
blood-sucking parasites.
oOo
Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin,
iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko ay political.
oOo
The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.
oOo
What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The answer: One of them is
organized.
oOo
The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in it, the right has nothing left
in it.
oOo
Anong tawag pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution
Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution.
oOo
Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa.
Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila,
magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.
oOo
How to tell if a politician is telling the truth:
Whenever hes crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.
Whenever hes stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.
Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.
But when he opens his mouth, he is lying.
oOo
There was a study on the connection between government employees and the sport they play.
Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball. Kapag lower management
position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling. Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay
tennis. Ang paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.
The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls
mo.
oOo
May 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa:
Electricians everything inside them is color-coded.
Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no
hearts. And they have no balls.
oOo
Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:
No. 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.
No. 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.
And last and the most prolific of all these liars, No.1: Pulitiko. Thats the end of the story.
oOo
One time I met a politician and I said as a joke
Me: Balita ko, meron ka raw kulasisi na 18 years old.
Politician: Lumang balita na yan. 28 years old na siya ngayon.
oOo
May isang pulitiko na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.
Ang sabi niya, Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng pork barrel, hindi ko
mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal
dahil dito.
Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control para hindi ka na
magnakaw sa taumbayan.
Sumagot ang pulitiko: Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para hindi na ako ma-guilty at
ma-depress.
oOo
Sabi ng isang survey, 25 percent ng mga pulitiko daw ay umiinom ng medication para sa kanilang
mental illness.
Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin 75 percent ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.
PICK-UP LINES
Can you recommend a good bank? Kasi Im planning to save all my love for you.
oOo
Kapag mamamatay na ako, huwag na huwag kang pupunta sa libingan ko kasi baka tumibok ulit ang
puso ko.
oOo
Miss, kutsara ka ba? Kasi palapit ka palang, napapapanganga na ako.
oOo
Suicide, homicide, insecticide, lahat pamatay. Pero kung gusto mong pampabuhay, i-try mo ang by my
side.
oOo
Malabo na talaga ang mata ko. Pwede ba akong humingi sa iyo ng kahit konting pagtingin?
oOo
Girl: Saan tayo magdi-date sa Valentines?
Boy: Sa sementeryo.
Girl: Bakit doon?
Boy: Para mapatunayan kong patay na patay ako sayo.
oOo
Sana naka-off ang ilaw para tayo na lang mag-on.
oOo
Nakalimutan ko ang pangalan mo eh, pwede bang tawagin na lang kitang akin?
oOo
Ibenta mo na bahay mo, tutal nandidito ka na, nakatira sa puso ko.
oOo
Nakalunok ka ba ng kwitis, kasi pag ngumiti ka, may spark!
oOo
Para kang holdaper,lahat ibibigay ko huwag mo lang akong saktan.
oOo
RANDOM QUOTES
Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng pictures mo ay wacky.
oOo
Kapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo.
Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka
Zebra.
oOo
Ang LOVE parang bayad sa dyip. Minsan nasusuklian.
oOo
Alam niyo ba ang iba pang tawag sa Valentines day? Para sa malungkot na single,ang tawag dito ay
Singles Awareness Day. Para sa mga masaya na single, ang tawag dito ay Singles Independence Day.
Pero sa mga walang pakialam, ang tawag dito ay (insert day where Valentines day falls).
oOo
Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts, whereas an octopus has two hearts? Kaya kung may
kilala ka na nagmamahal ng higit sa dalawa, tanungin mo kung anong klaseng hayop sila.
oOo
Kapag ikaw ay nagmamahal pero sasaktan mo rin lang naman, hamunin mo na lang ng suntukan.
oOo
Ang taong nagmamahal nang tunay ay parang matalinong estudyante na kumukuha ng exam. Hindi
siya tumitingin sa iba kahit nahihirapan na.
oOo
Para sa mga single, umuwi nang maaga mula sa school o sa trabaho para isipin nila may date ka.
oOo
Ang crush, parang math problem, kung hindi mo makuha, titigan mo na lang.
oOo
Minsan may nanligaw sa akin at nagyabang, Nasa dugo talaga namin ang pagiging guwapo. Sumagot
ako, bakit nasa dugo lang, bakit hindi napunta ang pagiging guwapo sa mukha mo?
Pagkatapos sinabi ko sa kanya, Cup noodles ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang buhusan ng kumukulong tubig.
oOo
Gaano katalino ang mga estudyante ng (insert school here)? Common sense pa lang ninyo, IQ na ng
ibang mga senador.
oOo
When the cashier at the grocery said, Miss, pwedeng candy na lang ang sukli ko sa iyo? I answered
Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?
oOo
Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako, ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.
oOo
When someone told me ang ganda mo, I answered sana ikaw rin
oOo
It is very important that you should choose the person you will marry and stay with that person.
There are many people now who believe in serial love, loving one person after another. I dont think
that is good for our mental health. I think we should get it over with.
Love is like measles, you know. You only get it once in your lifetime and you are immune forever. I am
very happy to say that is what happened to me.
I am completely immune to any temptation. All men who have passed my life after I got married might
as well have been sticks of furniture.
oOo
I dont ride roughshod over him. I dont care where he goes at night, he doesnt have to call me with his
itinerary. I just presume that hes going to be loyal to his marriage vows. And Ive been extremely
faithful to my husband.
oOo
Maybe if I were 20 years younger, or maybe if I am as young as Heart Evangelista, it would be
endearing to kiss in public. But to do that at my age would just be disgusting.
oOo
We never see each other.sometimes I am surprised that I married such a good looking (man) because
I hardly can see him. I sort of got surprised when we see each other in the corridor. In other words, we
dont grit down each others neck.
oOo
Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of
the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut
up, or Ill knock your teeth off!
(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)
oOo
I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist
the charge that I lack sex appeal.
(Of the charges filed against her by several CID employees whom she disciplined for graft and
corruption.)
oOo
What is the record of actual courtroom experience of my enemies, not every dimwit can claim trial
practice, which calls for the special rules on trial technique and procedure. And what is the basis for all
the pious nonsense about judicial behavior, from people who have never seen a courtroom, or read
jurisprudence?
oOo
I am aghast and postal that a party in litigation and the sub-mental cretins who are my enemies have the
gall to demand the power to control the personality of the judge. To educate the non-educable, it is the