Lindsey Conklin

Ms. Diaz
English 120
Reflective Essay Over Traditional Revision
For my traditional revision I revised my MWA #1 rhetorical analysis of an ad,
Campaign for Nursings Future-Pediatric Nurses. From the original major writing
assignment (MWA) I was able to receive feedback from my instructor and peers to make
sharp revisions to create a well-written piece for my traditional revision. Throughout the
traditional revision I focused on improving my word choice in order to avoid confusion. I
also broke up paragraphs and fixed certain grammar and spelling mistakes to increase
overall understanding and clarity of my piece.
Revisions that I made at the beginning of my rhetorical analysis involved moving
my thesis statement, which was originally at the bottom of the second paragraph but after
revision became the first sentence of my piece. I decided to move my thesis statement to
be the first sentence of my rhetorical analysis in order to inform my readers exactly what
I will be talking about. I also broke the summary of the ad campaign into two paragraphs
to have better flow. I made these changes because of the constructive comments my
instructor, Ms. Taylor Diaz, left on my final draft of this major writing assignment. She
informed me that the information in my introduction was fantastic but that it needed
better flow and I accomplished this by moving information around and drastically
moving my thesis statement to be the first sentence.
Another area that needed to be revised was in the introductory paragraph of my
original rhetorical analysis but after revision, moved to be the second paragraph in the

traditional revision. The original sentence was, [a]s soon as the injection begins the
male nurse begins to sing a name rhyming song with the little girl for the duration of the
injection. This sentence sounds as if the injection was taking the action instead of the
male nurse. In order to improve clarification I revised this sentence in the traditional
revision to be, as soon as the male nurse administers the medicine he begins I
made these changes in order to clearly define that the male nurse performs the action
taking place, being the injection.
Throughout the main areas of my rhetorical analysis I gave examples of how the
appeals to logos, ethos, and pathos were demonstrated in the ad campaign. However, in
peer review, my instructor and peers informed me that although I was giving great
examples of how those appeals were demonstrated in the ad campaign I was not clearly
defining the appeals. For example, in paragraph three of my original rhetorical analysis I
stated, one final appeal to pathos and clearly did not offer a definition of pathos. I
revised this statement in my traditional revision by moving the entire statement to
paragraph four and by also adding more detail, [o]ne final appeal to pathos, being the
appeal to emotion By doing, this I was able to further progress my rhetorical analysis
to have better clarity and better flow. Also, by presenting the definition of pathos my
readers will be able to better understand the example I give of how the ad demonstrated
pathos. I continued, throughout my rhetorical analysis to define the appeal to ethos and
logos as well.
Towards the end of my rhetorical analysis while defining ethos, the example that I
used to demonstrate this appeal brought confusion to my peers and instructor during peer
review. I stated in my original rhetorical analysis that the reason why Johnson and

Johnson, the brand that produced this ad campaign demonstrated credibility is due to,
many users from doctors to parents, which creates reliability and trustworthiness.
However, this is not a very concise statement and does not clarify exactly how having
many users offers credibility. In my traditional revision I focused on my diction and word
order in order to clarify how the brand offers credibility. I did this by stating, [t]his
brand creates reliability and trustworthiness not only because it is used by many people
ranging from doctors to parents but has also been around for many years. By stating that
this brand has many users and has also been around for many years clearly demonstrates
the credibility of this brand offering more clarification and understanding for my readers.
The final paragraph, being my conclusion of my original rhetorical analysis
overviewed how the ad demonstrated appeals to logos, ethos, and pathos. By overviewing
the appeals again, my conclusion became overly redundant. My instructor, Ms. Taylor
Diaz gave me useful feedback by mentioning that what I was saying was a bit repetitive
and redundant and that some information could be deleted and moved around to improve
this problem. In my traditional revision I fixed this problem by completely creating a new
conclusion and shortening the length by paying close attention to my diction and over all
clarity.
Overall, throughout my traditional revision I fixed areas that presented confusion
and needed more clarification. I also focused on my grammar, diction, and length of my
paragraphs to continue overall clarity and sharpness of my piece. I learned that in order to
create a truly well written piece it needs to be revised and looked at several times in order
to make minor or major improvements. The end result of my traditional revision showed
more understanding of my rhetorical analysis as a whole and overall progress as a writer.