StudentsauditioningforTheImportanceofBeingEarnestshouldchooseoneofthefollowingmonologuestoperform

atauditions.Considerwhichmonologueyoufeeltrulyshowsyourstrengthsasaperformerthismaynotbetheone
youlikethebest.Lookspecificallyforemotionalandmentaltransitionsandplaythemtothebestofyourability.
*PleasenotethatIhavecategorizedmanyasforeitherMaleORFemaleIfeelthesearetrulyunisexmonologues,so
donotworryifthecharacterintheoriginalplayistheoppositesex.Ifitspeakstoyouandyoufeelitbestshowsyour
strengths,thenthatstheoneforyou!!Ilookforwardtoseeingeachofyouatauditions.
MsLynn

MONOLOGUESforeitherMALEORFEMALE
DrinksBeforeDinnerbyE.L.Doctorow
[Claudetteobjectswhen2ofherdinnerguestslaunchintoadiatribeaboutthemeaninglessnessoftheirlivesandthat
evendeadpeopleinolddramaticmovieshavemorelifethantheydo]
(Claudette):Iwanttolivemylifeasundramaticallyaspossible.Lifeissototallycarelessofwhatwefeelorwhatwe
know,orthinkwefeelorthinkweknow,thatallouremotionsandthoughtsarecontinuouslysupersededbyother
emotionsandotherthoughtsbecauselifepushesonandforcesustocontinuelivingit.Sothatevenifweareblissfully
happy,itpushesonuntilwearenot;evenifweareinlove,itpushesonuntilwearenot;andevenifwediscover
somethingmarvelousordosomethingthatmakesusfamous,itpusheson.Itjustgoesthroughawholelifetimeofour
feelings,carelessofallofthem,notgivingadamnforanyofthem,exceptIsupposeourlastfeelingbeforewedie.
LongAgoandFarAwaybyDavidIves
IthinkIvejustrealizedthatIexist.Latelysooftenitsliketherearethesemomentsofillumination,whenjustfora
secondortwoIrealize,ImeanIreallyrealize,thatthisallthisisreallyhere.Thatitexists.AndthatImapartofit.I
dontknow.Somehowitjustrecentlyhitmethatwhenphilosopherstalkaboutthenatureorreality,theyrenottalking
aboutwords,orideas,theyretalkingaboutthingslikethisbox,andthisnewspaper,andthispeninmyhand.Whichare
allreal.Weare.Everybodyis.Rightnow.Atthisinstant.Iexist.
FindingaChordbyCatherineKeyser
(Samantha:)WhenitlookslikeImmad,Em,Imreallyjustwell,Imfrustrated.(Emilytriestointerrupt)No,Ishould
explain.BecausehereIam,tellingyoutobeallperkyorwhatever..IknowImnotreallysmartoranything.AndIcant
fixanythingforyou.Idonthaveanswers.Ijustknowyourereallyspecial.Imean,God,yourelikebrilliant,andyouve
alwaysdoneeverythingright.MomandDadhavealwaysbeenprouderofyouthantheyareofme.Becausetheyknow,
youknow?Thatyoulikecanthelpdoingsomethingreallyspecialwithallthetalentsthatyouhave,andyoureso
patient!Icouldneverbethatpatient.Imalwaysfighting,youknow?Imgoingthisway,thenthat,andIdontever
reallyknowwhereImgoing.Likethesecigarettes.WhythehellamIsmokingacigaretteinmyparentsbasement?Its
notmakingarealstatementoranything.Evenifshenotices,whatimportantthingamIsayingbythat?Nothing!
HaikubyKatherineSnodgrass
[Nell,themotherofaspecialneedschildnamedLulu(Louise),explainsanexperienceshehadthismorningthathas
promptedhertotakeherdaughteroffhermedications]

Iwasreadingabook.Veryabsorbed.Luluwassitting,asshealwaysdoes,nexttothewindow.Suddenly,IrealizedthatI
hadforgottentogiveherherafternoonpill.Iglancedup,andshewassittingforwardinherchair,leaningonthesill.It
wasodd.IknewshewouldntnoticemebutIsaidhername,Lulu?Andsheturnedandlookedatme,reallylookedatme,
forthefirsttime.Sheaskedmetoforgiveher.Hah!Asiftherewasanythingtoforgive.Shewassofrightened,so
frightened.Bebe,itsasifshestrapped,trappedinamazeandeverythingsallwhite,likecotton,orclouds,andand
shecantgetout.Everythingmovessoslowly.Andwhenshetries,soundscomeintodistracther.Theypullheraway,
andshecantconcentrate.Shecantbeherself.Butshewasthere.Sheis.Louiseisthere.

WhoseLifeIsItAnyway?ByBrianClark
[Thepatientisaquadrapalegicwhowantstobeinchargeofher/hisowndestiny.S/heisinfuriatedbythepitys/heis
receivingandtheinattentiontoher/hisownwishes]
(Patient)Allofyoupeoplehavethesametechnique.WhenIsaysomethingreallyawkward,youpretendIhaventsaid
anythingatall.Youareallthesamewell,comeon,theresanotheroutburst,thatshouldbeyourcuetocommenton
thelampshadeorthecolorofthewalls.Listentoyourself.Isaysomethingoffensiveaboutyouandyouturnyour
professionalcheek.Ifyouwerehuman,ifyouweretreatingmeasahumanbeing,youdtellmetoscrewoff.Cantyou
seethatthisiswhyIdontwanttogoonliving?IamnotahumanandImevenmoreconvincedofthatbyyourvisit
thanIwasbeforesohowdoyoulikethat?

DivisionStreetbyStephenTeisch
Wearenotwe.Wewerewefortoolong.Andwhilewewerewe,youwereyou,butIwasntme.AndIwanttobeme.
Imsickandtiredofit.IhaveODdonallthosecausesandissues.Idontcareaboutnuclearwaste.Idontcareabout
oilspills,thirdworlddictators,wildernesspreservesorbilingualeducation.Sugarinkidscereals.Dontcare.Idont
giveadamnabouttheozonelayer,thewhales,theporpoisesthecutelittlebabysealsAnythingthatIevercared
about.Anythingthatyouhaveevercaredabout,anythingthatanyonehasevercaredabout,IdontcareaboutandI
dontcarethatIdontcare.Imtiredofdrinkingblackcoffeeoutofearthenmugsthatyoumadeyourself.Iwantacup
andsaucerandIwantsugarinit.Me.ThatsallIcareabout.Me.Me.Me.Wonderful,yummy,deliciousme.
ScubaLessonsbyJosephZeccola
(Kelly):Didyoueverwakeupandknowitwasgonnabeyourday?Idid.Today.Firsttime.Iwokeupfiveminutes
beforemyalarmwentoff.Thesunwasshining,thebirdschirping,IfeltwarmalloverandthenIreadmyhoroscope.
Todayisyourday!!!Whatyoudreamedaboutbecomesreal.Romancefiguresprominently.Musicalnotesinvolved.
OkayIdontgetthemusicalnotesthingeitherbutthatsnotthepoint.Thepointisthattodayismyday.Andithas
beenallday!!!IgotonthescaleIwasfivepoundsthinner,andthatwasaftergettingoutoftheshower.Onmyway
outthedoor,mymanagertellsmehesgoingtofixthebrokenclosetinmyapartmentIreportedsixmonthsago.
NormallyIwouldntbelieveit,becauseIhaverottenluck.ButIvehadthisfeelingallday.Andthatsleavingoutthe
bestpartofmyhoroscope:Romancefiguresprominently.[Shelooksaroundthecaf.]Hesnothereyet.Welllets
notgothere.Imbeinganoptimist.Ihavefaith.

TheDaysandNightsofBeebeeFenstermakerbyWilliamSnyder
[Beebeeisayoungwomanjustoutofcollegeandlivingonherowninherfirstapartment.Heraspirationsaretolivea
creativeandindependentlife.Shesharessomeofheropinionsbylecturingherfriend,NettieJo,whoislessambitious]
Whatbeatsme,NettieJo,isthatyouresatisfied.Idontknow.Theressomethingwrongaboutbeingsosatisfiedwith
everythingthewayitisandgoinalongwiththecrowd.Youhavetogainspecialrecognitioninsomeway.InSOMEway,
NettieJo.Ifyoudontyouendupnothinganonentity.Anotherfaceinthecrowd.Andthatslikebeindead.Doyou
wanttowindupdeadwithoutonepersontorememberyourname?Itsdeathinlife,thatswhat.Itswalkingthrough
theworldwithouttouchinathing.Itsblendinin,insteadofstickinout.AndGodknowsfoldstrytopushyouintothe
wallpaperfromtheminuteyouareborn.Startingwithyourfamily.Shegetsthatfromsoandso.Thatfromsomebody
else.Justwhenyouthinkyoufinallygotsomethingonyourown,assureasChristmassomebodycomesalongand
saysIsntthatexactlylikeuncleWhatchamacallit.ThereyouarelockedintighterthanaChinesepuzzlewithoutknowin
whereonepersonendsandtheotheronesbegin.

MONOLOGUESFORFEMALES
GreensborobyEmilyMann
[OnNov.3,1979,fiveprotestersinvolvedinaDeathtotheKlanrallyinGreensboro,N.C.,wereshotandkilledbya
groupofNazisandKluKluxKlanmembers.SigneWallershusband,Jim,adoctorwhohadquitfulltimepracticeto
devotemoretimetocivilrightsactivismwasmurderedthatday.Thisplayexplorestheeventthroughdocumentary
testimonyofbothsides.]
(Signe):Theysaidwewidowswerenthuman.Wehadnofeelingsofgrief.Thepresssaidlookatthatwoman.Shecan
standoverherdeadhusbandsbodyandscreamabouttheparty.WhattheydidnthearmescreamwasIcantgoon
livingwithoutJim.IreallyfeltlikeIcouldntgoonliving.Foratleastayearitwasamatteroftotalindifferencetorme
whetherIlivedordied.Howeverpeopletreatyou,theygiveyouanidentity.Ihadtodealwiththismonsterimage.The
upfrontcommunist.
Imean,oncetherearecategoriesofpeoplewhodonotqualifyashavingfullhumanstaturewhethertheyaregaysor
communistsorblackpeopleorwhoevertheyareImean,onceyoucanseparatehumanitythatway,thenyouhave
alreadycreatedanentireframeworkinwhichyoucanpracticeallkindsofoppressiononpeople.Andyoucangetaway
withit.Assoonasyouhavethatlessthanhumanthingoperating,boy,youcandoanythingtopeople.

TheLomanFamilyPicnicbyDonaldMargulies
[DorisismakingherHalloweencostumeBrideofFrankensteinbyshreddingherweddingdresswithapairofscizzors.
**Youmayperformthiswithouttheprops]
(Doris):OnthedayIwasmarriedtheworldshowedeverysignofcomingtoanend.Itrainedno,poured.Thunder.
Cracksoflightning.BigPearlS.Bucktidalwaves.Yougetthepicture.DidIturnback?DidIcancel?DidIsaynevermind,
nothankyou?Agoodomen,mymothertoldme.Therehadneverbeenamoreterrifyingconvergenceofweatherpost
Noah;agoodomen.Hail,didImentionhail?LikemymothersmatzoballsfallingfromtheskyshoutingDont!Dont!
eachtimeaknaidelsmackedtheroofoftherentedlimo.Abetteromenstill,mymothersaid,hail.Whatabout
sunshine?,Momma?,Iasked,whataboutasunnyweddingday?Alsoagoodomen,mymothersaid.(beat)Ibeganto

distrusther(beat).Twosecondsinmyweddingdress,splatteredwithmud.Ishouldveknown.Lookatthis:ruined.
Fromdayone.Mud,rain,hail,locusts,boredom,moraine.ButIlovethewaymylifehasturnedout.

LetUsGoOutintotheStarryNightbyJohnPatrickShanley
DontenvymebecauseImskinny.Iknowyoudontreally,butyoudosayyoudo,whichbothersme.IfyouknewwhyI
wasskinny.ImgoingtotellyouwhyImskinny.Icantfindnourishment.Imnottalkingaboutfoodnow,whichIthink
youguessed.Imtalkingabouttheworld.Theworlddoesnotnourishme.Atleastatthemoment.Doyouknowwhat
Imtalkingabout?Youdontknow.Youdonthaveanyidea.Andthereasonyoureignorantbecausethatswhatyou
are,reallyisthatyoudontcare.Ifyoucared,youwouldknowwhatImtalkingabout.Or,atleast,Iwouldfindyour
stupiditymoreendearing.

MadwomanofChaillot
(Irma):ItmaynotseemsograndtobeawaitressinParis.Iloveit.Awaitressmeetsallsortsofpeople.Sheobserveslife.
Ihatetobealone.Ilovepeople.ButIhaveneversaidIloveyoutoaman.Mentrytomakemesayit.Theyputtheir
armsaroundmeIpretendIdontseeit.TheypinchmeIpretendIdontfeelit.TheykissmeIpretendIdont
knowit.Theytakemeoutintheevening,andmakemedrinkbutImcareful,Ineversayit.Iftheydontlikeittheycan
leavemealone.BecausewhenIsayIloveyoutoHim,Hewillknowjustbylookinginmyeyesthatmanyhaveheldme
andpinchedmeandkissedme,butIhaveneversaidIloveyoutoanyoneintheworldbefore.Never.No.(Lookingoff
indirectioninwhichPierrehasgone,shewhisperssoftly)..Iloveyou.

AntigonebySophocles
[Thisplaycentersaroundthestruggleofanindividualsfeelingsofjusticeanmoralityagainstlawsthathavebeen
proclaimedjustbyanotherindividual(thenewKing).Antigoneistherebeloftheplayanderuptswhenhersisterasksher
totrytounderstandthenewlaws.]
(Antigone:)Understand!ThefirstwordIeverheardoutofanyofyouwasthatwordunderstand!WhydidntI
understandthatImustnotplaywithwatercold,black,beautifulflowingwaterbecauseIdspillitonthepalacetiles.
Orwithearth,becauseearthdirtiesalittlegirlsfrock.WhydidntIunderstandthatnicechildrendonteatoutof
everydishatonce,orgiveeverythingintheirpocketstobeggars;orruninthewindsofastthattheyfalldown;orask
foradrinkwhentheyareperspiring;orwanttogoswimmingwhenitseithertooearlyortoolate,merelybecausethey
happentofeellikeswimming.Understand!Idontwanttounderstand.TherellbetimeenoughtounderstandwhenIm
oldIfIeveramold.Butnotnow.Iwanttogoonliving.

BrightonBeachMemoirsbyNeilSimon
[Noraisangrywithhermother,Blanche,whowillnotletherquithighschoolandpursueaBroadwayaudition.Shehas
saidsomeverycruelthingstohermother,andBlanche,exhaustedandtiredofbeingthepushover,fightsbackfor
perhapsthefirsttimeinherlife.]

Blanche:Imnotgoingtoletyouhurtme,Nora.ImnotgoingtoletyoutellmethatIdontloveyouorthatIhavent
triedtogiveyouasmuchasIgaveLaurieGodknowsImnotperfectbecauseenoughangrypeopleinthishousetold
mesotonightbutIamnotgoingtobeadoormatforallthefrustrationandunhappinessthatyouorAuntKateor
anyoneelsewantstolayatmyfeetIdidnotcreatethisUniverse.Idonotdecidewholivesanddies,orwhosrichor
poororwhofeelslovedandwhofeelsdeprived.IfyoufeelcheatedthatyoucannotgototheauditionthenIfeel
cheatedthatIhadahusbandwhodiedatthirtysix.Andifyoukeeponfeelingthatway,youllenduplikemewith
somethingmuchworsethanlonelinessorhelplessnessandthatsselfpity.Believeme,thereisnolegthatstwistedor
bentthatismorecripplingthanahumanbeingwhothrivesonhisownmisfortunesifithastakenyourpainandAunt
Katesangertogetmetostartlivingagain,thenGodwillgivemethestrengthtomakeituptoyou,butIwillnotgoback
tobeingthatfrightened,helplesswomanthatIcreated!IvealreadyburiedsomeoneIlove,nowitstimetobury
someoneIhate.

BrightonBeachMemoirsbyNeilSimon
[Noradiscusseshermemoriesofherfatherwithheryoungersister]
WhenIwassixorsevenDadalwaysbroughtmehomealittlesurprise.LikeaHersheyoratop.Hedcomehomeand
hedtellmetogoandlookinhiscoatpocket.SoIdruntotheclosetandputmyhandin,anditfeltasbigasatent.
Andtherewerealltheseterrificthingsinthere.LikeJuicyFruitgumorSpearmintLifeSaversandbitsofcellophaneand
crumbledpiecesoftobacco.ThenIfoundhiscoatinMomsclosetandIputmyhandinthepocket.Andeverythingwas
gone.ItwasemptiedanddrycleanedanditfeltcoldandthatswhenIknewhewasreallydead.

TheRainmaker
[LizzieexplainstoStarbuckwhysheisnotaccompanyinghimashefollowshisbigdreams]
Youthinkalldreamshavetobeyourkind!Goldenfleeceandthunderonthemountain!Butthereareotherdreams!
Littlequietonesthatcometoawomanwhenshesshiningthesilverwareandputtingmothflakesinthecloset.Likea
mansvoicesaying,Lizzie,ismybluesuitpressed?Andthesamemansaying,scratchbetweenmyshoulderblades.
Andkidslaughingandteasingandsettinguparacket!AndhowitfeelstosaythewordHusband!Thereareallkinds
ofdreams.Minearesmallones,buttheyrereal.SoyoucanhaveyoursandIllhavemine.

MONOLOGUESFORMALES
DeathofaSalesmanbyArthurMiller
[Biffistheeldestof2boysinhisfamily.Heisinhis30s.Hehasalwaysbeenthesonwhohisfather,Willy,hashunghis
hopeson.Biffwonafootballscholarshiptocollegebutflunkedoutofoneofhisclassesanddidntgraduate.Hehas
neveramountedtomuch.Hehasworkedmanyjobs,butalwaysreturnshomewithoutajobormoney.]
(Biff,talkingtohisfather:)Willy,thisisme.YouknowwhyIhadnoaddressforthreemonths?IstoleasuitinKansasCity
andIwasinjail.Istolemyselfoutofeverygoodjobsincehighschool!AndInevergotanywherebecauseyoublewme
sofullofhotairIcouldneverstandtakingordersfromanybody!Thatswhosefaultitis!Iamnotaleaderofmen,Willy,
andneitherareyou.Youwereneveranythingbutahardworkingdrummerwholandedintheashcanlikealltherestof
them!Imonedollaranhour!Itriedsevenstatesandcouldntraiseit.Abuckanhour!Doyougathermymeaning?Im

notbringinghomeanyprizesanymore,andyouregoingtostopwaitingformetobringthemhome!Pop,Imnothing!
Imnothing,Pop.Cantyouunderstandthat?Theresnospiteinitanymore.ImjustwhatIam,thatsall.Willyoulet
mego,forChristssake?Willyoutakethatphonydreamandburnitbeforesomethinghappens?
DeathofaSalesmanbyArthurMiller
(Biff,talkingtohisyoungerbrother:)IvehadtwentyorthirtydifferentkindsofjobssinceIlefthomebeforethewar,
anditalwaysturnsoutthesame.Ijustrealizeditlately.ItswhyIcamehomenow,Iguess,becauseIrealizedit.The
farmIworkon,itsspringtherenow,see?Andtheyvegotaboutfifteennewcolts.Theresnothingmoreinspiringor
beautifulthanthesignhtofamareandanewcolt.AndwheneverspringcomestowhereIam,Isuddenlygetthefeeling,
myGod,Imnotgettinanywhere!WhatthehellamIdoing,playingaroundwithhorses,twentyeightdollarsaweek!
Imthirtyfouryearsold,Ioughttabemakinmyfuture.ThatswhenIcomerunninghome.Andnow,Igethere,andI
dontknowwhattodowithmyself.Ivealwaysmadeapointofnotwastingmylife,andeverytimeIcomebackhereI
knowthatallIvedoneistowastemylife.
MasterHaroldAndtheBoysbyAtholFugard
[Hallyisa17yearoldwhiteboyinSouthAfricain1950whoisclosetotwoblackmen.Hallyisrememberinganafternoon
spentwithoneofthem,Sam]
(Hally:)Itstartedofflookinglikeanotherofthoseuseless,nothingtodoafternoons.Ididntfeellikeclimbingtreesor
pretendingIwasaprivateeyeso,asusual:SeewhatscookinginSamsroom.Youwereonthefloor.Youhadtwothin
piecesofwoodandyouweresmoothingthemdownwithaknife.Itdidntlookparticularlyinteresting,butyoujustsaid,
waitandsee,Hally.Wait..andsee.inthatsecretwayofyours,soIknewtherewasasurprisecoming.Youteasedme,
youbugger,bybeingdeliberatelyslowandnotansweringmyquestions!Andwhistlingwhileyouworkedaway!God,it
wasinfuriating!Icouldhavebrainedyou!Itwasonlywhenyoutiedthemtogetherinacrossandputthatdownonthe
brownpaperthatIrealizedwhatyouweredoing.Samismakingakite!AndwhenIaskedyou,yousaid:Yes!Thesheer
audacityofittookmybreathaway.Imeanseriously,whatthehelldoesablackmanknowaboutflyingakite!Illbe
honestwithyou,Sam,Ihadnohopesforit.Whenwewentupontothehill,Iwasprayingquietlythattherewouldntbe
anyotherkidsaroundtolaughatus.

TheDarkattheTopoftheStairsbyWilliamInge
[Sammy,ayoungcadet,speaksofhislonelyexistence.]
IalwaysworrythatmaybepeoplearentgoingtolikemewhenIgotoaparty.Isntthatcrazy?Doyouevergetkindofa
sickfeelinginthepitofyourstomachwhenyoudreadthings?Gee,Iwouldntwanttomissapartyforanything.But
everytimeIgotone,Ihavetoreasonwithmyselftokeepfromfeelingthatthewholeworldsagainstme.See,Ive
spentalmostmywholelifeinmilitaryacademies.Mymotherdoesnthaveaplaceforme,whereshelives.Sheshe
justdoesntknowwhatelsetodowithme.Butyoumustntmisunderstandaboutmymother.Shesareallylovely
person.Iguesseveryboythinksthismotherisverybeautiful,butmymotherreallyis.Shetellsmeineverylettershe
writeshowsorrysheisthatwecantbetogethermore,butshehastothinkofherwork.Onetimeweweretogether,
though.ShemetmeinSanFranciscoonce,andweweretogetherfortwowholedays.Justlikeweweresweethearts.It
wasthemostwonderfultimeIeverhad.AndthenIhadtogobacktotheoldmilitaryacademy.EverytimeIwalkinto
thebarracks,Igetkindofadepressedfeeling.Itsgothardstonewalls.Picturesofgeneralshangingalloveroh,
theyreveryfinegentlemen,buttheyalllooksokindofhardboiledandsternyouknowwhatImean.Well,gee!I
guessIveboredyouenough,tellingyouaboutmyself.


TeachMeHowtoCrybyPatriciaJoudry
[Willtriestoassurehisfriend,Melinda,thateverythingwillbeokayeventhoughheismovingaway]
Nothingissoveryterrible.Therewasahouseoncedownbyalakewhereweusedtolive.Thehousewasallboarded
upanddeserted,andthekidsallsaiditwashauntedandwereafraidofit.Iwastoo.Moreafraidthananyofthem.
Andthenmymotheranddaddecidedwedliveinthathouse,andInearlyranaway.Iwasgoingto,butIdidnt.I
decidedtobebrave.ButIdidntknowIcoulddoit,Ifeltsosick.ButIwentinsidethathouseandIlookedatit,every
bitofit,upclose.ItwasjustanordinaryoldhouseandthereIwasbeingafraidofnothingatall.