TheBiggestMistake

Shewasamixofpillsandpainandrazorbladesshewastears,fakesmiles,andloneliness.Her
curledhair,AmericanEaglejeans,andperfectmakeupwereonlypartofthefacadesheputoninthe
morningtomakeeveryonethinkshewasokay.Andtheweightoflatenightphonecallswiththreatsof
neverseeingheragainandscarsofcutsthatweretoodeepandsobsofdesperationbroughtmedown
withhertoapointwhereIdidntknowwhattodo,soIjustsattherewatchingassheslowlywithered
awaytoadamagedpieceofemotionthathadnothingelsetodobuttalkabouthowsheshouldntbe
thereanymore.Sothenightbeforeithappened,whenshecalledmeatthree,thebagsdrewmyeyes
furtherdownmyface,andmyheadpoundedwithlackofsleep.Ilistenedasshebeggedsomeonefor
theshrivelsofhopethatwerenolongerthereandIimpatientlytoldhertocalmdown,wewouldtalk
tomorrow.
AndtherearenoworselastwordstosaytoyoursuicidalbestfriendthanDontworry.We
willtalktomorrow.ThewordsrunginmyearasIwalkedintofirstperiodthenextday,notseeingher
inherusualseat,andlookingthroughthewindowsadjacenttothehallasthetardybellrang.Theair
feltcold,notthebrokenACfinallycomingon,butthechillofsomethingbadhangingoverus,like
darkgreycloudshangovertheskybeforeastorm.ButthenewsthatIfelttiemystomachintoaknot
wasworsethanarainstormitwastheworldcomingtoanend.
WhenMr.Woaskiwalkedintotheroomwithhiseyespuffedandfacetomatojuiceredand
blotchy,tearsstreamingdownhisface,Ifeltmystomachjumpintomythroat.Forabriefsecond,awe
sparkedinsidemeIhadneverseenateachercrybefore.Butrealitycamecrashingthroughtheceiling
andIrealizedthathisnewswasthebeginningoftheworldending.Hisvoicetrembledandsaid,Class,
mayIhaveyourattention?Ununfortunatelyoneofourveryownstudents,KaileyMunison,passed
awaybymeansofsuicideearlythismorning.Therearegriefcounselorsonhandifyouneedthem.If
anyofyouneedtoleavetheclassroomatanytime,pleasefeelfreetoThosewerethelastwordsI
heardbeforetheworldexploded.Everythingbecamesilent,asifsomeonehadpressedmuteonmylife.

MyeyesleakedstreamsoftearsandIbecameanearthquake,shakingsomuchIcouldnotevenfeel
myselfmoving.Iforgothowtobreathe,howtothink,howtolive.Thenthreethousandtonsofguilthit
me.ItwasjustalltoomuchIstoodup,struggledoutofmydesk,papersflewontothefloor,mywater
bottlehitthegroundwithadeepthud,andIracedoutoftheroom.
IdidntknowwhereIwasgoingorwhereIwantedtogo,justthatIhadtogosomewhere
somewhereotherthantheplacewheremymistakeshauntedme,whereshewasntanymore,whereshe
shouldhavebeen.AndbeforeIknewitIhadmadeitfromthebottomtothetopoftheschoolandIwas
runningoutthefrontdoors.Sunshineslappedmyfaceandthecalmingscentoffreshlycutgrass
washedoverme.Theperfect,fluffy,marshmallowcloudsagainstthebabyblueskyandserene
greennessofthetreesteasedmeaboutwhataperfectdayitshouldhavebeen.Irantothespotwhere
Kaileyandourfriendsusedtohaveluncheveryday,underourfavoritepinetree,andsatdown.Icried
sohardandsomuchthatIwassurprisedtherewereanytearsleftwhenmyfriendsfoundmehuddled
inaballagainstthetree.Theysatdownwithmeandwetalkedabouthowmuchwealreadymissed
Kaileyandhowsurprisedtheyallwereatwhathappened,thatshewasevendepressed.Ikeptitto
myselfthatIknewshewassuicidal.Andwelaidonthegrassfeelingitticklethebackofournecks
untilthetearsstoppedcoming.Andthensomeonesuggestedthatwegotalktooneofthecounselors.
Everyoneagreed,butIknewthatifItoldthecounseloraboutKaileythatsomethingbadwouldhappen
andmyotherfriendswouldhatemeforeternity.SoIsaidthatIjustwantedtogohomeandsomehow
managedtodrivemycarallthewaybacktomyhouse.OnceIgothomeIputonmyfuzzypajama
pantsandwentintobed,cryingandfeelinghelplessandeventuallyfallingasleepfortherestoftheday.
AweeklaterIattendedherfuneralandsilentlylistenedtohowherfamilybelievedthather
deathwasanaccidentalsuicide,thatKaileywouldneverdoanythinglikethatintentionally.Ifelt
everyoneseyesonme,butwhenIlookedaroundmeallIsawwasaseaoftearsandblackclothing.I
wantedsobadlytosaysomething,tofixeverything,butIknewtherewasnothingthatIcoulddosoI

stayedsilent.Afterherfuneral,Ifeltmyselfeatingless,hangingoutwithmyfriendsless,beinghappy
less,andstartingtowithdrawfrommylifeandchangefromwhoIwasbeforeKaileypassedaway,
fromwhoIwaswhenIwasbestfriendswithKailey.Andthreethousandtonswastoomuchtobare,
andIhadtodragmyselfeverywherewiththeweightonmyback.
Andthenablurofmonthswentpastandoneday,whenIwaswalkingfromtheparkinglotto
school,listeningtothemuffledcrunchofsnowundermyfeet,Isawanote,barelystickingoutagainst
thesnow.Somethinginsidemefeltcompelledtopickitup,asifmyfatewouldbedeterminedbya
littlepieceofnotebookpaperormaybeIjustfeltlikeIshouldbeagoodpersonandthrowawaysome
litter.Eitherway,thattinylittlenotechangedme.
AsIscrapeditoutofthesnow,shakingmyhandssotheywouldntgettoocold,Iunfoldedthe
paperandreadthenote.Allitsaidwas:itsnotyourfault,intinylittlehandwriting,butahopewarmed
insidemeagainstthecoldwinterair.Maybeitwasntmyfault.Iwasnttoosure,butIwastiredof
feelingtheguiltofKaileysdeathonmeeveryday.So,Iwalkeddowntothecounselorsofficeand
requestedanappointment.Andwaitedoutsidemyassignedcounselorsofficeinanuncomfortableseat.
Shecalledmeinside,whereIsatdownandwasawkwardlysilentforasecond.Heroffice
smelledlikeburningincense,andtheonlysourceoflightseemedtobecomingfromhercomputer
screen.TherewereabunchofpapersspreadoutmessilyontopofherdeskandIwassittinginachair
thathadfourorfivesmallpillowsonit.IshiftedmybodyuntilIfoundacomfortableposition,tooka
deepbreath,andcontinuedtobesilent.Sheadjustedherpurplerimmedglasses,typedsomethingon
thecomputer,andturnedherchairtowardsme.
Hi.ImyourcounselorMrs.Davison.Idontbelievewehaveevermet.Whatisyourname,
honey?shesaid,lookingatmestraightintheeyes.
Uh,yes,IamRoseBrown.Isaid,lookingdownandplayingwithaloosestringonmyshirt.

Wouldyoumindtellingmewhyyoucameintoseeme?shesaid,goingthroughafile
cabinetandpullingoutapadandapen.
Um...well,Ithinkyouknewmyfriend,KaileyMunison,sheuh,committedsuicideafew
monthsago.Isaid,watchingasshewrotesomethingdownonthenotepad.WhenIstoppedtalking,
shelookedupandnodded,edgingmeonbutsayingnothing.Iguess...IguessIwouldliketotalk
aboutsomethingsthatIknewabouther,butIthinkitstoolate.Shelookedupandsmiled,whichI
foundveryoddasitwassuchanawkwardmoment.
Rose,dear,itsnevertoolate.Shesaidinareassuringtone.Athousandthoughtslaunched
throughmyhead,andIfocusedonhereyes,slightlyshakingmyhead.IthinkIhavesomeoneIwould
likeyoutomeet,shedefinitelyunderstandswhatyouvebeenthrough,andshesinthesamegradeas
you.Letmegogether.
But,IhaventeventoldyouItrailedoffasinoneswiftmotionshegotupfromherchair
andbrisklysteppedoutoftheroom.Isighedandleanedfurtherbackintomychair.Itwasnotgoing
howIhadexpecteditto.Isatinthatchairforagoodfiveminutes,occasionallycheckingmyhairfor
splitendsandseeingifIhadanydirtundermynails.Mrs.Davisoncamebackwithashortgirlwho
hadshortbrownhairandwaswearingaconcerttshirtofabandIdidntknow.
Hi,Rose.MynameisAli.IthinkthatIcanhelpyouwithwhatyouvebeenthrough.
IdontknowwhatwouldhavehappenedifIhadntmetAli.MaybeIstillwouldbedrowning
inthedarknessofdepressionthatusedtoengulfme.ButwhatIdoknowisthatsheshowedmethat
Kaileysdeathwasntmyfault,thatIcouldturnthismistakeIlearnedintoalesson.Shebroughtmeto
agroupofteensthatspeaksaboutsuicideandhowtodealwithit.NowIgoaroundtoschools,clubs,
andevenimportanteventstellingKaileysstory.OutofeverythingthatIhavelearned,everythingthatI
havespokenabout,thereisonethingthatisthemostimportanttoknowaboutdealingwithsuicideand
depression:Speakup.