THE

DREAM MERCHANDISE

For someone whose memories always haunt me..

 INTRODUCTION
“She is awake now”, his voice echoed in my ears.
He was back from i.c.u. and interjected silently in my thoughts “and she wants to meet you”, lowering his eyes and spoke with
disgust. His anger and disgust was justified. He was living with her for so many years under same roof, shared everything for
these years and at her deathbed she wanted to meet her ex-lover.it could blow anyone’s brain out and he was facing pain
deciding ; which is more painful, his loss or her betrayal. Covering his face with hands; he spoke, but I don’t want you to meet
her.

He removed his hands. Saintly expression on his face had gone only making way for anger and disgust. I felt pity for him and I
knew his pain. He held me with arms and hissed frantically, “She is my wife and want to see you. Why?” his voice was choking
and he was flushed with anger. Eyes moistened and he was trembling with anguish.

“I don’t know. May be because of that promise I gave to her years back” looking into his watering eyes ,”please let me go. I had
a miserable life and if you don’t allow me today it will be more pathetic.” Now I was crying and pleaded almost touching his
feet. He didn’t move and tightened his grip on my arm. I was filled with anger and blurted out, “it has been five years. I haven’t
seen her face. She never became mine and after marrying she forgotten about me.” As I spoke my emotions were high and I
shock away my arms away from him. My anger on her, her hubby and my miserable life was coming out. And it was in form of
tears. As I stood up and walk towards that glass cabin, his voice echoed, “She didn’t give me everything. Not her heart. .”

Here I was, walking that hallway again. I never expected when I woke up that morning, was going to face disaster of my life. My
life aka life of dr. kshitiz, seemingly happy life. Like every smiling face hides pain and emptiness underneath. This painful and
miserable life was result of failed love life. Four out of five love story end in failure and unfortunately I was in those four. I tried
to move on but I was stuck where she left me. First love is funny; more you try to forget it more it haunts you.

I finished my operations and went home after long day, when received that news from deepali,

“amanat met with accident.. in g.v. hospital icu and ( cried frantically ) … doctor says chances are few.”

Life was never smooth, straight or ideal to me but it will play this much unfair? In a few second I was going to lose everything.
My life, my amanat , my hopes and my dreams. Thoughts making their way into my mind as I was again driving on same road
again. Night was dark and road ghostly. It has started raining as if god joined me in my suffering. This road was never ending
and I prayed to god, “don’t take her away from me again” and I looked at her pic.

My amanat’s pic which I put next to god, in my car. “Keep my smiling pic in your car” when we were finalizing on my first to be
car.

“Why, your smile is crooked” I teased her, “it cause chills in my spine” and successfully pissing her off. Only making again when ,
I showed it planted in my car. Her memories were back and in an instant my car was running in full throttle, passing monstrous
traffic lights. As soon I reached, tires scratched on damp road and I ran to icu. Seeing me deepali hugged me and pointed
towards icu and spoke, “she is in there. All covered in bandages and on ventilator..” and started crying again. what the doctors
told , trying to find some hope and controlling tears i asked her. And her reply was to shatter all my hopes which told about
going of amanat in multiple organ faiure. Despite knowing I was denying.

“she will make through. It is not over b/w me and her. She can’t go like this.” I was murmuring hysterically. Ironically I was
feeling same pain which I witnessed 1000 times in relatives. When I was on other side till that moment in my life, I wondered
on illogical behavior of them. But today at this point, I was helpless, incompetent and refuse to see reality. Suddenly every
stupid acts of them are making sense now. Mind is beautiful and it always show explanations when we don’t want to accept
something.

“maybe it was not her who is driving or it’s a dream” my mind was trying and playing tricks to blur reality. But how strong it
tries sometime it can’t create delusions. Here I was hoping it to be a dream and even this was a dream wanting to end soon.
“please sirji, you were always unfair to me. Listen to me please.” Pleading I touched feet of lord hanuman statue there.

“Why don’t you believe in god?” amanat angrily asked when I refused to go temple with her on janmasthmi.

“It’s not logical.” I snapped at her like true atheist. She tried to make her way out but no god for me. she left saying, “one day
you yourself will go to him.” And cursing me she left.

As I bowed , that incident ran through my mind. “Please don’t take her away . I will worship you whole life.” I bargained with
god and frantically ringing that bell in front of him. In movies it always worked but not in my case. Or maybe it was not enough
to grab god’s attention if it exists. Someone hold my shoulder from behind. Deepali has come to control me and tried to take
me away from there. I was feeling motionless like my life just drained away and taking every step was becoming tougher than
earlier one. And there I saw her husband, mohan the banker, that suited, tall and handsome guy chosen by her parents. Richer
than a guy who just finishing med school. Icing on the cake, owning a Mercedes Benz

“why you want to marry him. Can’t you tell your parents that you love me? or is that he richer than me. There is always way
out. Let’s elope away and do court marriage.” I was pleading with hatred and then again in disbelief on what she told me. I was
acting frantically. I always heard about love stories ending this way and I didn’t want that for me.

“do you think I want that” she shouted at me breaking silence of that evening and continued,” my dad hates you and when I
told about us he tried suicide. i loved you more than anyone else and I also want to grow old with you. But…”

“But.. What dear” I was asking with impatience. I was convinced that Mercedes pulled her away from me. And I want to know
that fake reason she was going to give. “But I don’t want to build my house on corpse of my parents.” She started crying again
and again shouted on me, “why you did such thing that he hates you. why didn’t you made that time machine…” she was
blabbering again and having panic attack. I hugged her and kissed her moistened cheek. After few minutes when she resumed
calm. For her father I was a drunken idiot guy who also did drugs. I was repulsive for him and thought of me as his son in law
was enough to give heart attack.

“now what.” She asked looking at setting sun. like that setting sun , our love story is going to end, and my words again
moistened her cheeks. Her nostrils were again flaring and cute face of her lost its aura by constant crying. All her make up
washed away by salty tears and her tears were not stopping. I could see anything but not her crying and to uplift her mood I
spoke, “I wish I had time machine or maybe I will made In future .” as I spoke she looked at me and I continued, wiping her
tears , “ so that we can always go in past and I will freeze this moment forever and we will not have to leave.” Here again I was
kissing her and tasting all salt on her face.

As we drove back to her home, we sat silently. It was forty minute distance and under current state seems very long. Again to
cheer her up, I spoke, “maybe we can have extramarital affair?”

I looked at her and I knew I asked a wrong question. But to my surprise she answered, “I don’t dream anymore. When dream
shatters it hurts maximum.” And again my eyes were back on the road. Darkness has grasped whole road and only lights from
vehicle challenging its grasp. Again there was killing silence and I broke it, “hey if it didn’t work out b/w you and him promise
you will come back to me.”

“But if it works out..” she snapped back looking at me in weird gaze like testing me. “Then also I will wait for you forever…” I
spoke exasperating and shying. My eyes were again back on road. They were burning due to constant crying. Salt was troubling
in them. After 40 minute we were at the spot where she was going to be taking different route. It was hard and I wanted her to
go quickly and silently. I don’t want her to see me crying and mourning over her. She kept on fidgeting with her keys and wiped
her face. Put her make up back and asked, “do I look fine ?” I hated how easily she was controlling herself. Is it she was faking
earlier or now? Whatever I was losing her. I nodded and waited for her to leave. “Will you come to my marriage “

“aren’t you and your oldie happy with my tears. I would not be able to control self. Don’t want to cry more?” I disgustingly
spoke. She reacted as she was not listening and spoke, “do you love me” and seeing my hardened face continued, “if I die
before you ; promise me you will be there with me at my death bed. I always wanted to die holding your hands.” As she
finished , she got out of car.

Waiting for response, thrown a glance at me she sneaked through window. I was filled with disgust, anger, pain started my car
and spoke , “ don’t worry it will never happen. Because…” and I looked at her and continued with choking voice,

“I was already dead the moment you told me about you marrying someone else.”

And I drove leaving her standing there in that dark night, five years back not knowing when I will see face of my beloved, my
god , my everything again and here I was walking towards her again. I was there at her last time and again water was flowing
from my eyes. Here I was seeing her in most unexpected way.

2. living nightmare
Here I was looking at shreya through that glass door. After five years and like this. My dream lady was draped in bandages ,
with all those machines attached and there frightening sound. ‘ should I go inside?’ suddenly question came into my mind.
Standing on that door with my hand on handle I