Anonymous

By Kat Stephenson
CAST OF CHARACTERS
REVEREND ARROZ. The facilitator of the support group.
The women:
MARIA.
JULIE.
RACHEL.
TORI.
The men:
MICHAEL
SPENSER.
WOODY.
The misplaced:
SHARON.
(Lights up on a circular seating arrangement. ARROZ is sitting in
a chair. If possible, the remaining characters are sitting in the
audience (wherever there is a free seat) until they enter, to
represent solidarity. CHARACTERS are dressed in normal
clothing, aside from REVEREND ARROZ, who is wearing black
pants and shirt and a tie (preferably a "Real Men Wear Pink"
brand tie.)
(REVEREND ARROZ clears his throat and stands up. He is
holding a clipboard.)
ARROZ
(trying things out)
Hello! ...no, too formal. (beat) Hey there! ...too enthusiastic. (beat) uh...start with a joke? (beat;
then, as if he is at a rock concert or a sporting event:) HELLOOOOO, ALCOHOLICS!
(beat) No, too insensitive. ...Gosh, what's another greeting. (putting on a thick southern
accent:) ...How ya'll doing?
(SHARON enters.)
SHARON
Hello?
ARROZ
Oh. Yes. Hi. Welcome. Welcome! We're-I'm-glad to have you.
SHARON
Is this the correct location-

ARROZ
Yes. Yes it is. Welcome. We're happy to have you.
SHARON
We're? (beat, as she surveys the scene) What are you doing?
ARROZ
What do you mean?
SHARON
To whom were you communicating prior to my arrival?
ARROZ
Um, myself. No! I, I mean, I was practicing. For the meeting. What to say. How to, erm, uh,
begin. There will be some new people this time. (beat) Uh, hopefully.
SHARON
Hm. How intriguing. Id like to introduce myself- Im called Sharon.
ARROZ
It's nice to meet you. For confidentiality sake, though, let's not discuss anything else until
everyone else arrives.
SHARON
Do you honestly harbor the illusion that I will remain inaudible and stationary until the
commencement of the meeting?
ARROZ
Well, erm, yes. We cant really talk before anybody else gets here.
SHARON
Oh. (beat) May I retire to my vehicle to freshen up before we begin?
ARROZ
Uh, yes, you, uh, you may.
SHARON
Wonderful. In precisely how many minutes will you start the discussion?
ARROZ
Um, thirty-five minutes.
SHARON
My apologies, I thought the origination took place at seven thirty. Thank you for the clarification.
(As SHARON is leaving, ARROZ all but shouts at her:)
ARROZ

Don't have sex in the bushes!

SHARON
Pardon?
ARROZ
It, uh, was a joke. In poor taste. I'm sorry. I wasn't, uh, thinking.
SHARON
I am filled with distaste at your repugnant suggestion that I would use the bushes to fornicate.
With whom are you suggesting I would be committing such an act? I hope, in my absence, you
will use the time to reflect on your particularly insensitive suggestion.
(SHARON exits right as TORI enters.)
TORI
Sup Arroz con Pollo! How's the rice and chicken coming?
ARROZ
Good, Tori. Thanks for asking. How are you? I've, uh, never seen you at these meetings before.
TORI
Been better. Pretty drunk currently. I can't find Spenser.
ARROZ
Um, Tori, you can't be here if you're drunk.
TORI
That's bullshit! You're supposed to help me.
ARROZ
Tori, the rules mandate your, um, sobriety at these meetings.
TORI
Rules, mules. Fuck 'em!
ARROZ
Once the, um, the meeting starts you can't speak like that.
TORI
Like what?
ARROZ
With, uh, the profanity.
TORI
Is that like pro-life?
ARROZ

No. Curse words. (long beat) Like no saying fuck or shit.

TORI
Damn Arroz, never heard you say nothin' like that before!
ARROZ
The meeting hasn't started. I'm still a human being. Besides, I was, um, repeating what you said.
TORI
You'se just trying to show off for me, weren't you?
ARROZ
No, Tori.
TORI
Yeah, yeah. (beat, as she looks around) You going to send me away like that lady?
ARROZ
I should, right?
TORI
Yup. Maybe. I guess. I dunno. I need to find Spenser.
ARROZ
Yes, you do. And, um, sober up while you're out.
TORI
Whatever you say, Rice bowl. See you later.
ARROZ
(shouting after her, but she has already gone)
Dont call me- okay.
(TORI stumbles out. ARROZ sits in silence for awhile, muttering to
himself. He closes his eyes, and then MICHAEL enters.)
MICHAEL
Do you know the lord's prayer?
ARROZ
Yes. I'm a pastor, um, at this church.
MICHAEL
Could you teach it to me?
ARROZ
Of course. (beat; he stands) Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom
come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive

us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but
deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory for ever and ever amen.
So, it starts with "our father" which is arguably the most importantMICHAEL
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, they will be done, on
earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we
forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For
thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory for ever and ever amen.
ARROZ
Ah, so it was a test. You already knew it.
MICHAEL
No, sir. I just have a very good memory. Thank you.
(MICHAEL exits.)
ARROZ
Hm. How odd.
(MICHAEL reenters.)
MICHAEL
When does the meeting start?
ARROZ
In about, uh, ten minutes. You're welcome to stay and wait, uh, if you like.
MICHAEL
Thank you.
(MICHAEL sits. ARROZ sits. Long beat as they sit in silence.
Then, MARIA enters.)
MARIA
Hola Pastor. Is Rachel here?
ARROZ
Not yet. Hello Maria. Good to, um, see you.
MARIA
Lordy me that girl. She told me she would meet me here!
ARROZ
Traffic is always bad on Wendover. She's probably, uh, on her way.

MARIA
I shouldn't have to always watch my grown daughter! (she sighs audibly) I am going to go call
her.
ARROZ
Just be back, you've got about, um, five minutes.
MARIA
Fine!
(MARIA exits.)
MICHAEL
I thought there were ten?
ARROZ
Pardon?
MICHAEL
Just a moment ago you said we had ten minutes.
ARROZ
Oh. I suppose I did. Well, then, I guess, uh, we do.
MICHAEL
You didn't answer my question.
ARROZ
I apologize; I don't recall you, um, asking one.
MICHAEL
Didnt I?
ARROZ
No, I- I dont think you did.
MICHAEL
Oh. (long beat)
ARROZ
Dodo you have, uh, a question?
MICHAEL
Oh. (long beat) Yeah, maybe. (beat) How many minutes now?
ARROZ
Seven.

MICHAEL
Exactly?
ARROZ
What?
MICHAEL
I mean exactly how many minutes are there?
ARROZ
What do you mean, uh, exactly?
MICHAEL
Are we going to start at exactly seven thirty, or will we start at seven thirty and twenty seven
seconds?
ARROZ
UmMICHAEL
Or seven thirty and fifty nine seconds? Because thats, particularly speaking, one of my favorite
times.
ARROZ
Uh(JULIE, MICHAEL, and RACHEL enter.)
ARROZ
Hi, everybody.
(JULIE, MICHAEL, and RACHEL all mutter assorted hellos.)
Rachel, did you see your mom?
RACHEL
Nope.
ARROZ
She's, uh, looking for you.
RACHEL
I didn't even know she was supposed to be coming tonight.
ARROZ
She said you had planned, um, to meet here.
RACHEL
She's a crazy old bat. Probably made those plans when we were both drunk.

MICHAEL
A mom and daughter that drink? You don't see that every day.
RACHEL
It runs in families, jackass.
ARROZ
Hey. We've talked about that sort of language here.
RACHEL
(mocking)
Yeah, Ill try to keep it under control, whatever.
(MARIA enters.)
MARIA
I swear, sometime I wish I could put you back where you come from because I like you so much
better in there!
RACHEL
Gross. Can we not do this here?
ARROZ
I agree. Let's, um, refrain, please.
MARIA
She make me crazy! Have me running around all night looking for her. "I'll see you here,
Mama." But then she no there! "Meet me at this place at this time" but she always early or late!
ARROZ
Maria, please calm down. I don't want to have to ask you to, um, leave.
MARIA
You will never. I apologize.
(MARIA sits down and composes herself. WOODY enters.)
WOODY
Hey, everybody. (He looks around the room and his eyes land on JULIE) Julie!
JULIE
Hey, fucker!
WOODY
You came back!
JULIE
Hell yeah I did.

WOODY
It's real nice to see ya.
JULIE
Not bad to see you either, man.
(WOODY blushes as there is a crash. Preferably it is the door
opening when SPENSER kicks it, but if not than just a crash from
somewhere.)
ARROZ
Um, hello? (to himself and kind of everyone:) This church isn't, um, in the best, uh,
neighborhood.
(SPENSER enters, carrying TORI on his back.)
SPENSER
Hey everybody!
ARROZ
Um, Spenser, please put Tori down.
SPENSER
Can't.
ARROZ
Uh, why's that?
SPENSER
She hurt her foot. (beat, as he puts her down in a chair) Ask me how she hurt her foot.
ARROZ
How'd she hurt her foot, Spenser?
TORI
We was having sex in the back of the car and he knocked me into the window. Now my foot's
broke.
ARROZ
Is your foot really, um, broken?
TORI
Look at it! (She holds her foot up. It does, indeed, look broken)
ARROZ
Goodness. Rachel, would you mind running to the kitchen to grab some, uh, ice?
RACHEL
Why do I have to do it?

MARIA
Cuz he's your elder and he asked you to. Somebody needs to teach you respect.
RACHEL
Yeah, yeah. I'll do it but I won't like it.
ARROZ
Hurry back, we're about to, um, start!
(RACHEL exits.)
ARROZ
We'll just, uh, wait for her..
(The group sits in silence until RACHEL enters, and walks over to
TORI with a ice wrapped in a paper towel.)
RACHEL
Here.
TORI
You couldn't have put it in a plastic bag or something?
RACHEL
Didn't know where one was.
TORI
Oh.
RACHEL
The least you could do was say thank you.
TORI
Thanks.
(RACHEL sits back down in her seat. SPENSER gets up and drags
a chair over to TORI, props her foot up, and places the ice on it.
ARROZ watches this silently. When SPENSER sits back down, he
nods at ARROZ. SHARON slips in and sits down, virtually
unnoticed.)
ARROZ
Okay. Thank you for, um, for being here. I know it takes a lot to come to one of these, uh, and
the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Um, my name is Mr. Arroz. I'm a reverend,
but don't worry, uh, that's just my day job. This isn't going to be one of those religious things,
um, unless you guys want it to be. This is whatever you, uh, whatever you want. (beat, as he
glances around the circle.) Julie, Woody, it's nice to see you back again. Tori. Spenser. Good.

And there are a bunch of faces I don't recognize, um, but that's great too. We will all get to know
each other in time. Again, um, don't worry. I hate icebreakers.
(REVEREND ARROZ pauses for a minute, almost unsure what to
do next, while surveying the group. Most of the people he has
called by name have either looked away, rolled their eyes or, at
most, nodded their heads in acknowledgement.)
Okay, well, I don't really have much else to say. This is pretty much like how it is in the movies,
for those of you that are new. Say your, um, your name, why you're here if you want to, and what
you hope to accomplish. (long beat) Well, okay, um, yeah. I guess I'll start. My name is Hester
Arroz, and I am a reverend. Um, I'm here because I have asked my church to allow me to, uh, to
volunteer. I have sinned in, um, in a different way and I hope the good lord will forgive me by,
um, by letting me be with you fine people.
(After a pregnant pause a man, MICHAEL, stands up.)
ARROZ
Great! You have the um, the floor, my friend.
MICHAEL
Hey, Im Michael. And Im an alcoholic. I get home from the job I hate every night at five thirty
and forty seven seconds. I kiss my wife at five thirty two and four seconds, and then from then
until nine twenty four I drink. Its like this: three shots of Evan Williams filled three quarters of
the way full, topped off with one quarter diet coke, four and a half beers, typically of the rolling
rock variety, and then a glass filled 3/8 of the way full with red wine. The redest cabernet you
could imagine. Red like your face burns when you get drunk. Red like your wifes anger when
she catches you drinking again. Red like seven and a quarter red m&ms, which is the only sweet
food I allow myself. You gotta be selective about your vices. One vice makes you human, but
more than that makes you something thats hard to look at in the mirror. I do that a lot, too. Look
at myself, I mean, in the mirror. Think about what my life would be like if I would have been a
rock star. Probably wouldve been able to drink even moreARROZ
Um, Michael, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but(A woman, MARIA, stands up.)
MARIA
What would have happened, Michael, if you had become a rock star?
(MICHAEL is speechless; he didn't expect anyone to listen)
MARIA
You think you wouldn't be alcoholic? You not thinking, then. If you hadn't found it, it would've
found you. In fact, you probably be dead by now from some kind of overdose. You lucky that
you got that wife and those kids to keep you in check. You really think you would not be a drunk
if you were a rock star? (beat) Yeah, I dont think so. (beat, as she sits and composes herself) I

am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I find Jesus, and he help me discover that I can live without
alcohol because he will always be there to hold my hand.
(MARIA sits down.)
MICHAEL
Jesus isn't anymore of a rock star than I am. He's going to keep you sober just as much as rock
and roll is going to save me. At least I believe in something real.
(MICHAEL sits down triumphantly. After awhile:)
ARROZ
Well, that's, uh, thats fine Michael. We respect any and all, um, religious beliefs. We are a non,
um, a non-denominational group.
(A woman, SHARON, stands up.)
SHARON
I thought this was a grief group for those dealing with the despondency of a deceased spouse.
ARROZ
Your name?
SHARON
Sharon.
ARROZ
Thank you, Sharon. Um, I apologizeMICHAEL
Listen...grief is kinda like sobriety, so you're basically in the right place. The more you feed your
addiction what it can't have, the worse you feel. You're never going to be the same after you've
lost your husband, just like we're never going to fully forget about alcohol. So why try?
ARROZ
(visibly nervous and worried)
Well, um, uh, I believe that both meetings were scheduled for the same night. The place youre
looking for is, uh, is upstairs, down the hall way to the left.
(SHARON walks to the exit and turns just before she leaves to
address the room.)
SHARON
Youre correct, Michael. Conversely, I would prefer a defunct spouse than an inebriated one.
(SHARON exits rapidly. As everyone puzzles over what she has
just said, some of them slowly realize that she has suggested that
she would prefer a dead husband to an alcoholic one. Rude.
ARROZ notes the tone in the room and tries to address it.)

ARROZ
Everybody, please. Let's all, um, lets all take a deep breath and think of whatever, uh, whatever
makes us feel at peace with ourselves. It may be a deity, or a best friend, or a significant other, or
a, um, a place. But let's just all relax for a moment. Uh, Is anyone else in the wrong place?
TORI
ME! (she laughs to herself, one loud HAH) Can I leave too?
ARROZ
No, Tori. We both know the reason that you cannot leave.
TORI
Then why don't you tell everyone else, reverend?
ARROZ
Tori, I...
TORI
TELL EM.
ARROZ
(beat) Tori is, um, is here under a court-mandated order.
SPENSER
Oh, me too! It's okay, girl.
TORI
It's because we were caught together, idiot. And are supposedly unfit to care for my children. You
drink so much that you forget things.
ARROZ
Moving, uh, moving on. Anyone else?
RACHEL
I'm Rachel.
EVERYONE BUT RACHEL
Hi, Rachel.
RACHEL
I am an alcoholic. It's recent. My husband just sent me the divorce papers yesterday, signed and
dated. I killed my cat because I forgot to feed him. And I regret all of it. I regret the drinks, but I
just keep slamming them down.
ARROZ
Thank you, Rachel, um, thank you for sharing. We're all with you in your, um, struggle.

MARIA
I'm not.
ARROZ
Let's try to be, uh, sensitive, even when we misunderstand others.
MARIA
It's not misunderstanding at all. Oh, and I'm Maria.
EVERYONE BUT MARIA
Hi, Maria.
MARIA
I used to be alcoholic, for fourteen years. And it's your own damn fault that you no marry
someone who love you no matter what. In my day, vows meant something. With your divorces
over everything little thing- it drive me crazy. I used to throw away 7 or 8 shot every night. I'm
an angry drunk, see? I yell and scream and throw things, and my husband stay true. For forty
years we've been married, and he love me through every last drop of booze. Because we commit
to one another and it mean something. (to RACHEL) If only you were smart enough to marry a
man like your father.
RACHEL
Dont you think I wish my husband were faithful?
MARIA
Let me ask you something, baby girl. Do you believe in God?
RACHEL
After all these years, you still dont know? (beat; under her breath) No one would ever accuse
you of being too involved. (beat) No.
MARIA
There! That is your problem. He help me through my marriage, keep you-my baby-safe. And he
save me from the liquor.
RACHEL
So he got you addicted just to save you? What a righteous asshole.
MARIA
He get me addicted to teach me most important lesson of my life. So that I would end up here,
sharing my story and try to help young people who struggle like me.
RACHEL
That's such a load of CRAP. (beat)
ARROZ
Rachel, please.

RACHEL
Is that what you do? You just say, "please" whenever someone has an outburst? I'm not crazy, I
know I'm having an outburst. But I just don't understand how you people can believe in some
random man in the sky!
MARIA
Honey, it is so much more than that.
RACHEL
Really? Does he have a plan for us?
MARIA
(thinking she is getting it)
Exactly!
RACHEL
Look, Mom. I've long since become skeptical about this so-called humane god who doles out
intergalactic fairness or whatever according to some mysterious plan none of us can understand. I
don't believe in him and I never will.
MARIA
You never know, baby. God work in mysterious ways.
RACHEL
Stop it! I don't believe in him and I never, ever will.
(Throughout this, the rest of the actors are sitting around looking
at each other, the floor, or the ceiling uncomfortably. Finally,
REVEREND ARROZ speaks.)
ARROZ
Um, Ladies, I think we should get back to talking about, uh, the reasons we're all here.
RACHEL
I thought you said we could talk about whatever we want!
ARROZ
I did, Rachel, yes, but, um, I just think thatRACHEL
You're a REVEREND, for crying out loud! Why in the WORLD wouldn't you want us talking
about how god is FAKE?
ARROZ
Uh, Rachel, would you like to leave?
MARIA
She's not leaving.

RACHEL
No. I want you to admit that you have no proof that God is real.
ARROZ
All I have is my belief that he is real. And all you have is your belief that he isn't.
(RACHEL is stunned into shocked silence, and slowly SPENSER
starts to applaud ARROZ.)
MICHAEL
That was real nice, man. You know how to say it like it is.
RACHEL
YOU just SHUT THE HELL UP.
(In one swift motion, RACHEL jumps up from her chair and leaps
across the circle. She punches MICHAEL in the face and he laughs
at her. She gets even angrier, and finally she pushes his chair over
backwards. He leaps up, furious, and tackles her. When all is said
and done, he is straddling her and holding his hands around her
wrists like cuffs, pressed against the floor. Everyone else is
watching, horrified. MICHAEL is breathing hard and holding
RACHEL, ARROZ is horrified and can't move, and MARIA is
livid.)
MARIA
Ay, dios mio! Que los jvenus estn locos! No puedo lidiar con esto.
ARROZ
Maria, please, do something!
MICHAEL
I've got her. Don't worry. She just needs some air. Take fifteen deep breaths- inhale for seven
seconds and exhale for eight. Maria, why don't you take her outside. (to RACHEL) Look. You're
hurt. You've had a hard time today, okay? I'm going to stand up. Stand you up. Rotate you
clockwise thirty-seven degrees to face the door. Maria is going to take you for a walk. I'm going
to keep holding your wrists with about twelve pounds of pressure until she comes over here and
helps you, okay?
RACHEL
Okay. I'm sorMICHAEL
You don't need to apologize even once.
MARIA
(standing and walking over to them)
She sure as hell does!

MICHAEL
No, it's okay. I understand. It's all right. Maria, are you going to be able to take her?
MARIA
(taking a deep breath)
Si. Yes. Of course, it's my job.
MICHAEL
Alright. Remember, inhale for seven, exhale for eight.
(MICHAEL gets off of RACHEL and transfers her hand to
MARIA's. The two walk outside, and MICHAEL takes his seat
again. Everyone looks at him, flabbergasted, including
REVEREND ARROZ.)
ARROZ
Michael, I, um...thank you.
MICHAEL
Don't worry, reverend. No big deal. (beat) My wife used to...let's just say I have experience in
handling somebody who gets a little upset. Shed go from seven to a hundred seven in under five
point two seconds. (beat, as he remembers:) Plus it's much worse than that in jail. There would
be upwards of three guys all screaming and fighting like that. Yelling forty-two curse words, all
combined- and altogether the guards would have seven hands and eight legs and forty toes and
thirty three fingers andARROZ
Well, uh, thank you. Now let's get back to the meeting, everyone. We've certainly had our, um,
our excitement for the day. Let's just...discuss. Preferably about, um, about alcoholism, but if
anyone has anything else they want to say...
(A man, SPENSER, stands up.)
SPENSER
Hi, I'm Spenser.
EVERYONE BUT SPENSER
Hi, Spenser.
SPENSER
I'm not an alcoholic. But I deny everything. Get it? (beat, while a couple people laugh
halfheartedly. SPENSER clears his throat.)
SPENSER
So should I tell my story now or something? (looks at REVEREND ARROZ)
ARROZ
Sure, Spenser. If you, uh, if you want to.

SPENSER
Alright. I don't know if many of you people know this, but...Disney Cruises. That's where my
story begins. You know how they say "where dreams are made" or whatever? My dreams sure as
hell weren't made- they were destroyed. That's where I had my first ever taste of alcohol, and the
place where I turned 21. And you know what? I was so drunk that night that it took four guys to
carry me- I ain't the skinniest, plus I put up a fight. (At least that's what they told me.) By the
time they got me conscious it was the morning, and instead of taking me back to my room they
just took me to an AA meeting that had just started at a place we docked. A freakin' AA meeting,
while I was supposed to be on a Disney cruise! What kinds of sick people go on Disney Cruises
if they's alcoholics? Assholes, thats what Im sayin! I'm sure as hell that wasn't quite what Mr.
Walt Disney, rest in peace, had in mind.
ARROZ
Thank you, um, Spenser.
SPENSER
But life sure does have some silver linings, cause that's also where I met my lovely wife. This big
sexy sitting next to me: Tori and I met on that cruise. Soon as we docked again we hopped off
and found ourselves a chapel.
TORI
You're getting the story wrong. We went to city hall. You wanted the chapel.
SPENSER
That's right! I'm the religious one. To this one, God might as well be a unicorn. Sorry, reverend.
ARROZ
Oh, no, um, uh, no offense taken.
SPENSER
Good. Anyway. We barely knew each other forty-eight hours before we got hitched. Maybe that
was all the alcohol talking but what can I say?
TORI
When you know, you know.
ARROZ
I suppose so.
(SPENSER sits, as JULIE stands up.)
JULIE
Julie.
EVERYONE BUT JULIE
Hi, Julie.
JULIE
I guess I'm an asshole according to Spenser-

SPENSER
Look, I didn't mean any harm or nothing...
JULIE
If its got alcohol in it Ive probably drank it at some point in my life. I should probably be in
Narc Anon too, but fuck that shit. I dont have many stories that I want to share here, but suffice
it to say Ive got the diction pretty bad. Also if anybody knows a good tattoo parlor, Im in the
market so hit me up after the meeting. I dont have much to say today, though, so I might dip out.
I dont really think Ive got a problem, I just really like the taste of alcohol.
ARROZ
Um, Julie, you know you're free to leave if you'd like. But I think staying would, uh, would help
you.
WOODY
Please, Julie.
JULIE
Huh?
WOODY
Julie, I really want you to.
JULIE
Yeah, all right.
(JULIE sits down slowly. After a beat, WOODY stands.)
WOODY
Hi, I'm Woody.
EVERYONE BUT WOODY AND JULIE
Hi, Woody.
WOODY
And I'm a recovering alcoholic. Haven't had a drink in six months.
ARROZ
That's great, uh, Woody.
WOODY
But that's because, once, I got so drunk I almost killed my wife. I threw a Captain Morgan bottle
against the refrigerator and it broke right over her head. When she stood up, there was blood
running down her face and then she stepped on a shard of glass. Drove herself to the emergency
room, got blood all over the car. Needless to say we don't speak anymore. Didn't even bother
filing for divorce; last I heard she's living with my brother now. Don't talk to him neither. (beat)
Started coming to these meetings, see? Tried to sober up. Told Carolin (that's my girl) that I
would get right, and then we could get back together. Told her on an answering machine, of

course. (beat) Th'other day she called me and said "I don't ever want to speak to you again,
Wood-e. EVER! No matter WHAT." And then hung up. (beat) I cried for days. Drank again. But
then I found these meetings again, see? I thought I'd never love again, but then I saw this
beautiful girl. And we had some bad things in common, and we met in a sort of uncomfortable
situation. But I love her. I know I do. And I'm staying sober for her, even though she doesn't
know it or loves me back.
(WOODY smiles self-consciously and sits down. It is obvious that
he is talking about JULIE, and everyone in the room knows it
except JULIE.)
ARROZ
That's-that's kind of beautiful, Woody.
WOODY
Thanks Reverend.
ARROZ
Who would like to speak, uh, next?
TORI
Nah.
ARROZ
Yes, Tori?
TORI
Nah, Arroz. Can it! I want to hear more from Woody.
ARROZ
That's typically not, um, how we do things hereTORI
I think you can make an exception for a situation of this caliber.
ARROZ
What do you, uh, what do you mean?
TORI
I wanna hear lover boy's story!
ARROZ
Well, I guess, uh, majority rules. Woody?
WOODY
Well, shucks, I don't know what ya'll want me to say.

TORI
Tell us more about her!
SPENSER
Yeah, I can't remember the last time I talked about a lady that way.
TORI
We're married you ass!
SPENSER
Well that explains it.
JULIE
Tell the fucking story, Woody!
MICHAEL
I'd like to hear too, if you don't mind. But we only have nineteen minutes and forty seven
seconds left so you probably shouldnt tell it unless its under ten minutes and thirteen seconds so
that well still have nine minutes left for the Reverend to close.
ARROZ
Look. Wait. Actually, if you, if you don't, um, uh, if you...don't mind I would like to speak now.
WOODY
Sure, dude. You're in charge.
RACHEL
Are you even allowed to do that?
ARROZ
Everyone is entitled to speak or, uh, not to.
TORI
Yeah, except me!
ARROZ
Yes, Tori, except you. You're here on, uh, on court-mandated order.
TORI
Did you really have to say it again?
SPENSER
Oh, you love it when he says it.
ARROZ
Um, could we please get back to our meeting now?
TORI
Sheesh. Suddenly Arroz is so high and mighty.

ARROZ
Well, I am a, uh, a reverend.
SPENSER
Ooooh, he told you!
ARROZ
Spenser?
SPENSER
Sorry man.
ARROZ
Thank you. Is everyone ready for me to, uh, begin? Perhaps we should, um, wait for Maria and
Rachel to get back.
(The characters sit in silence, waiting for their return. It takes
maybe two minutes, all of which is awkward and involves everyone
doing something different or weird to occupy or pass the time,
excluding ARROZ who just watches everyone. Finally, they return.
RACHEL has mascara running down her cheeks.)
SPENSER
Well well. Welcome back, little women.
RACHEL
Yeah, yeah.
WOODY
You got something on your face.
RACHEL
Who, me? Damnit, Mama, why didn't you tell me?
MARIA
I was too busy consoling your ass. Come here.
(MARIA licks her finger and starts to wipe the marks off of
RACHEL's face.)
JULIE
Whenever you get done, Arroz was gonna tell us a story. So sit the hell down.
WOODY
She's too nice to say it, but she means right now.

MICHAEL
Can't you finish up the bonding moment in the bathroom or something? Youve already wiped
her face four times and those two mascara tracks are only half way gone.
MARIA
Sorry for distraction, Arroz. Please begin.
ARROZ
Okay. This is very difficult for me to, uh, for me to say, but I feel I owe it to you all to be, um, to
be honest.
SPENSER
Oh, this is the way you sinned, ain't it?
ARROZ
Yes. Excellent memory, Spenser. But please try not to, uh, to interrupt. I know you all know me,
but you do not know my story, um, which is a part of me, so I am going to conduct myself as if I
am at your meeting and I'll make, um...Maria in charge.
MARIA
Ay. Me. Okay. Um, hello everyone. I'm Maria, and I'm in chargehow do you call it
momentarily. We're going to start with ArrozARROZ
Uh, Hector, please.
MARIA
Forgive me. We're going to start with Hector, who is here to get better. He going to tell us his
story.
ARROZ
Uh, hi, everyone. I-I'm, uh, Hector.
EVERYONE, LED BY MARIA
Hi, Hector.
ARROZ
I've never had a drop of alcohol in my life, but......I.....um, Im, a, uh, Im a, um, a, um, uh- I'm a
sex addict.
(Silence. DEAD silence. Nobody is sure of what to say or do. Finally:)
SPENSER
No way! This is too good.
MARIA
Hey! Tsst. Stop it. None of that. Respect him. It's his time.

ARROZ
Yes, I, um...I'm, uh, addicted to sex.
SPENSER
Then how the hell are you a pastor?
WOODY
Don't you think he's going to tell us? Jesus.
MARIA
Can you all please be quiet? We said no cutting him off. He doesnt do that to you. Respect him!
SPENSER
He did once.
MARIA
I don't care! Don't do it to him. Hush. You are like children.
ARROZ
Thank you. Yes. I know you all are wondering how I have come to hold this, uh, position, and
before any of you are thinking of revealing me I should tell you that my superiors, and most
importantly, God, knows my, um, struggle.
MARIA
Well, of course. He knows everything.
ARROZ
Maria? Let us practice what we, uh, what we preach.
MARIA
Yes. I am sorry.
ARROZ
It's alright. May I, um, continue?
MARIA
Yes. No more interrupt.
ARROZ
Thank you. So, as I was saying. No one may out me because I am already, uh, out. (beat, as he
realizes some people are snickering) Not in a, uh, homosexual sense, mind you. That is a whole
other sin. For the record, I respect but do not condone it. Um, yes. Okay. Um, going back...I am
very addicted to sex, like I've said. Something that, although not totally, you all can probably
relate to. To be addicted is a very tiresome, um, process. No matter how much one tries to deny
themselves that which they crave, it is always there in the back of their mind reminding them of
how much they, uh, how much they need it.
MARIA
We all know about addiction.

ARROZ
Yes. Thank you. I, uh, apologize and I appreciate you keeping me, um, on track. So, my story.
Yes. It's difficult to talk about, but I must. I had the typical rise to this church. I was the perfect
student throughout school, both, um, divinity and otherwise. While I was waiting to be
interviewed for divinity school, I saw it: a pornography magazine. I was hooked. I devoured the
pages like they were the, um, the best-written novel in the world. I, having gone through divinity
school, had never seen one before. In retrospect, thats probably, um, what my roommate was
looking at under the covers every night.
WOODY
I just gotta say- I love this side of you, Arroz. It's nice realizing you're a person, too. You got
flaws. You're one of us.
ARROZ
Thank you, Woody. But please don't, um, over relate. I am still in charge, here. (beat) So, long
story short I bought myself a bunch of porn magazines and I, um, treated myself every single
chance I got. Literally. Every chance I got. Um, I would go to the restroom to, uh, perform the
deed. I did it while I was driving, while I was on the telephone, and, well, yes. You get the idea. I
had gotten it to an art. Uh, but then magazines weren't enough and I sought out pornography in
other places. I bought women, and dealt with many illicit and illegalities along the way. I risked
imprisonment, but the good lord got me through that one, bless his mercy. But I was ravenous.
TORI
So, what happened?
ARROZ
I started going to a, um, a group, much like this one. I worked with counselors and psychiatrists
at my school to try to understand what I had become and why. I participated in studies, and tests,
and did a bit of my own research. It was extensive. I came to an agreement, though. This
particular church was desperate for a, um, for a pastor- desperate enough to take a man like me. I
had to agree to a few different things though; continue to go to my meetings, check in with the
town's counselor, and run these, uh, particular gatherings.
MICHAEL
I always wondered why you did this. Nobody else ever wanted to.
ARROZ
No one else ever would, yes. That's what they told me. See, I agreed not just because I was
ordered but because my meetings have helped me more than I had ever, um, ever imagined. I am
currently in remission, if you will, and it's been, uh, um, (he thinks) 669 days since I have had
sex.
SPENSER
That's...that's real grand.
(SPENSER starts applauding and everyone around him slowly
follows suit. ARROZ wipes his eyes and smiles broadly.)

ARROZ
Thank you. Thank you! It feels good. If I can, uh, do it, you can. That was my hope; to inspire
the alcohol addicts the way my, um, leader inspired those of us enamored with sex.
TORI
(quietly)
You've done it, Arroz.
ARROZ
Thanks, Tori. I felt, uh, um, I felt that you all had shared so openly and honestly with me that I,
uh, I should do the same with you. It didnt feel right, keeping this from you. Thank you all, for
listening. (He sits) And thanks to Maria for, uh, for running things for a bit.
MARIA
Any time, Arroz. I enjoy it. (beat) We are very proud of you.
ARROZ
Thank you. (He clears his throat loudly) Now. Who would like, um, to speak?
TORI
Woody was telling a story, before. He never finished.
ARROZ
As much as I'd like to hear it, we'll save extended personal stories for, uh, for the end. Tori, you
haven't said anything, uh, much today...
TORI
What do you want from me?
ARROZ
Need we discuss, again, why we're all, uh, here?
TORI
You mean me specifically, right?
ARROZ
Well, yes. You know the drill. I think we would all appreciate hearing from, uh, from you.
TORI
Oh c'mon. You know my story. Spenser knows my story.
ARROZ
Yes, but there are a lot of new faces tonight. Which means new ears, which I'm sure would love
to be, uh, to be enlightened. You really have an interesting perspective to give us, one that really
makes us look at(During his little speech, in a way that she thinks no one can see,
TORI pulls out a bottle of vodka. Real cheap, nasty stuff. Chugs
from it. Hands it to SPENSER, who does the same.)

ARROZ
Tori. Spenser. I've asked you to leave before on account of, uh, um, public intoxication.
TORI
(stashing the bottle)
Arroz quit playin', we ain't drunk!
SPENSER
Just buzzed is all.
TORI
Shut UP Spenser!
SPENSER
Where's your rule about being buzzed, huh reverend?
TORI
You fucking idiot, SHUT UP!
ARROZ
Tori, we do not allow that, uh, language here. Take that negativity and throw it out the window!
(clears his throat, realizing how stupid that sounded) Yes, well, you can have a, uh, a seat and
listen respectfully but if you become a distraction I'm asking you to leave, understand?
TORI
Yes. Thank you, Arroz. This idiot is lucky we got a sponsor like you.
ARROZ
Now Tori, I'm not, uhSPENSER
Yeah, yeah. You're not our sponsor, but you're the closest we're ever gonna get. Take it on faith,
god man.
ARROZ
I'll take it as a compliment. Thank you. Settle, um, settle down now- Woody was going to finish
telling us a story about a woman he, uh, he fell in love with.
SPENSER
Oh, you mean Julie?
TORI
God damn, you just got the biggest mouth.
SPENSER
What? Everybody knows it. Bout time somebody says it.

ARROZ
Well, now, let's focus on the real issue here which is, uh, which is not taking the lord's name in
vain.
TORI
Can I finish my story?
ARROZ
Yes, um, of course.
TORI
(to WOODY, and then JULIE, and then everyone)
Sorry, that was pretty awkward. But at least now you know. So, yeah. Most of you know me. I'm
Tori. I'm an alcoholic.
SPENSER
HEY TORI.
EVERYONE BUT TORI AND SPENSER
(with slight reservation b/c of SPENSER's outburst)
Hi, Tori.
SPENSER
Look, sorry to interrupt but I got somewhere to be and I really need to tell my story that
happened to me this week.
TORI
You know the rules!
SPENSER
(sloppily)
To which one are you referring, ma'am?
TORI
Arroz!
ARROZ
I believe Tori is, uh, referring to the one that says you can't elect to speak over someone after that
individual has done their introductions.
SPENSER
Big 'effin deal. We break rules in here all the time.
ARROZ
Like no profanity.
SPENSER
Please, like that's a curse!

ARROZ
Spenser...
SPENSER
Look, can I just say my bit, please? I'll be quick I swear.
TORI
Its okay with me, Rice bowl.
ARROZ
Alright. And Tori, I've, uh, asked you not to call me that.
SPENSER
Yeah, Tori, he's told you not to call him that!
TORI
Sor-ee. (quietly) Rice.
WOODY
(under his breath)
Suck up.
SPENSER
(he jumps out of his chair)
YOU just shut the hell up!
ARROZ
Please. One fight a meeting. We've already had it and, uh, and there was no blood. Please.
Spenser?
SPENSER
(sits down very slowly)
You right. Sorry, man.
TORI
Doesn't anyone want to know how I feel?
SPENSER
We'll here from you in just a bit. Hey I'm Spencer, y'all don't gotta say it back, and I'm an
alcoholic obviously cause why the- why else would I be here? Long story short, I stole some
alcohol from a convenience store and got away with it.
MICHAEL
How'd you do that?
SPENSER
Well he saw me walk out with it but he couldn't prove shit-anything- so he couldn't do nothin'. It
was a cheap place without security cameras or anything so they deserved it.

ARROZ
(beat) Is that all, Spenser?
SPENSER
Yeah. I really don't want to discuss it, I just wanted to get it off my chest. Feels good.
ARROZ
That's not typically, um, how we do things here.
SPENSER
Damn straight it ain't. But what's typical, now? You tell me. How do you define what's "normal",
huh?
TORI
He ain't as dumb as he looks!
ARROZ
That's a great question, but something we're not going to discuss, um, here and now. If you all
would like to form a group to meet and talk about life's questions you can do that on, um, on
your own time. Tori?
SPENSER
You didn't ask if I was done!
ARROZ
Are you, uh, are you done?
SPENSER
I am, thank you.
ARROZ
Um, then it wasn't necessary for me to ask, was it?
SPENSER
Hey, hey, don't get testy with me. With us.
ARROZ
All right, Spenser. All right.
SPENSER
You watch all of us. Somebody's gotta keep you in line.
ARROZ
And, um, you're certainly qualified to do so.
TORI
Suddenly the air feels saturated with sarcasm.

ARROZ
I apologize. Let's not do this, uh, now. (with slight desperation:) Tori, please, um, proceed?
TORI
Bout time. I've been waiting what feels like...anyway. Hey, everybody. Real nice to be here. Let
me get right to it- Arroz used to buy the sex I sold. (beat, as she reads the room) Not me
specifically! God damn. I mean God. I mean Jesus. (beat) No, thats still bad. Uh. Yeah, okay, let
me just get back to it. I was a stripper, then I was escortin' and after that full on prostituting
myself to anyone-and I do mean anyone- that would pay. Some real gross motherfuckers. I mean
dicks. I mean, uhjerks! It was all for the money, money to buy alcohol. I didn't care about
nothin' else. Didn't eat, didn't buy toilet paper or extra channels for the T.V. Have you ever been
to somebodys house who has those? Shit- crap- stuffis real fancy! But then my life became
pretty woman when I met Spenser and he saved me from that life. Except without the money. Or
the nice clothes. Or the happily ever after. But other than that, Im in heaven!
SPENSER
Trouble was, I drink too.
TORI
We got arrested together a few times, on various charges. Public intoxication charges is a bitch.
Anyway, I finally left that life behind me and now I got this one. We're pretty happy. We get into
trouble every now and again but I realized something. (she waits)
ARROZ
What's that, Tori?
TORI
Well thanks for asking. I realized that alcohol, addiction, and Spenser are a part of my life now.
I'm never going to be able to exist without any of 'em, so I shouldn't even try.
ARROZ
Tori, you know that's the opposite of what we try to, uh, promote here.
TORI
I know, and that's why I got court order to come and why I can say what I want without you
kicking me to the curb.
ARROZ
Now, that's not, um, completely true.
TORI
But mostly it is.
ARROZ
Not quite. Are you, uh, finished?
TORI
I guess so. (beat; then she stands on her chair and sticks out her tongue with her hands in the
"rock on" position) I LOVE BOOOOOZE!

ARROZ
Tori, please, um, step down.
(SPENSER helps TORI down from the chair.)
SPENSER
Baby, I don't like it when you act this way.
TORI
I told you, I'm going to act however I wanna act!
ARROZ
No, you're going to act the way, um, the way it is appropriate to act in this setting.
TORI
Yeah, yeah. Everybody's a fuckin' critic. I don't care how clich that statement is when it's true.
SPENSER
Ooh, that's a big word.
ARROZ
Please, let's remember where, uh, where we are. Moving on. Um, (he looks around the circle,
almost a little lost) all right Woody. Let's hear it.
WOODY
Yeah, man. I know there's, um, some information that's been released but I'm just going to
proceed as if there hasn't, iffin this group don't mind?
ARROZ
That's, uh, thats fine, Woody.
WOODY
All right. You know the drill, which I already did, but for pos-ter-itiy: I'm Woody, and I'm an
alcoholic. So the thing is wasTORI
Hi, Woody. (beat, as she looks around) Oh, sorry. You already did that.
WOODY
I met this girl at a place where you're not typically supposed to meet women, get it? I wanted to
ask for her number or something but I knew that wasn't right. So the only thing I could do was
wait for her to come back the week after, see? The week after that one, the next week.
TORI
(leaning forward in her seat, transfixed)
Did she come back?

WOODY
No. She most certainly did not. But you know what I did? I came back the week after that one,
even though I hated being there and talking about it. I came just to see her, just waiting for the
day when I'd see her pretty eyes once more and be able to watch that beautiful mouth smile at
me.
TORI
Wow. You got it too.
SPENSER
Did you give him the herp?
TORI
No, idiot. He's got it. That addictive personality. She became his alcohol.
WOODY
Nah. (as he thinks) Well, maybe. But thenJULIE
(as if she's been holding it in, but still trying to act cavalier:)
So, you like me, huh?
WOODY
No.
JULIE
What the fuWOODY
I love you, Julie. They say love at first sight is lust but I knew from the moment we locked eyes
for the third meeting. Yours were crystal blue like diamonds I saw in the windows that my ex
wife used to always ask for. I knew from the moment I saw you smile, cause I knew it was the
first thing I wanted to see in the morning and the last thing I wanted to see before I went to sleep.
But even more than that it was your sweetness: I knew your personality truly was as beautiful as
you were. I ain't gay or nothin but I fell in love with your soul first and it was then that I truly
realized how good looking you was. Were. Are.
(There is audible silence in the room for a few minutes, as JULIE
starts to cry. TORI follows. SPENSER also wipes some stray tears,
after which TORI punches him in the arm which seems to jolt
everyone out of their stupor.)
What'd you think, Julie? I mean it from the bottom of my throat, or else I wouldn't've said it.
JULIE
I mean, shit, I dont know.

TORI
Are you KIDDING me?
SPENSER
Hush, woman.
JULIE
Ive never felt this way about someone before, except my vibrator, so I guess that means I feel
the same way. I never knew until this moment though. Is that cheating? (beat; she laughs) Who
gives a fuck?!
WOODY
Hell yeah. Id say its even better, actually.
JULIE
Sick.
(WOODY runs to JULIE and picks her up in a large hug, then
spins her around. He puts her back down on the ground and they
kiss.)
SPENSER
Damn, you don't see that every day at an AA meeting.
TORI
You always gotta ruin the moment, don't ya baby?
SPENSER
Yep, that's why you married me!
TORI
We ain't!
SPENSER
Shit, we wastin' time...
TORI
Or maybe we're saving it!
SPENSER
Wait. Hold on. But we DID get married, right? I just want to make sure.
TORI
I dunno, Im drunk!
SPENSER
Me too!

ARROZ
You both need to, um, need toSPENSER
Shut up Arroz, were having a moment! Me and my wife, or girlfriend, or whatever she is, were
just lovin on each other real quick.
TORI
I love you baby.
SPENSER
I love you. Aint nobody greater. Cept God! (beat, as he thinks) Wait, no. I think you probably
are, since I never met him or anything. And I dont wake up with him. And it probably wouldnt
be right for us to have morning sex.
TORI
Aint NOBODY Id rather wake up next to, sugar pie.
(They share a passionate kiss, which WOODY watches in admiration.)
WOODY
Julie- let's do it. Let's get married. You ain't gone do no better than me.
JULIE
Why not? Lets get hitched.
WOODY
Right now. Arroz is a reverend. He can do it legally.
ARROZ
Well, uh, well, um, hang on now.
(WOODY spins around and pulls out a knife, aiming it at ARROZ.)
WOODY
I got a knife, that means you gotta do what I say.
ARROZ
Um, hang on Woody...
WOODY
I ain't playing man. Fucking marry us. This is my meeting now.
(WOODY goes behind ARROZ and puts his arm around ARROZ's
neck, with the knife pressed against the front of his throat.)
SPENSER
YEAH ANARCHY WOOOOOH.

JULIE
I'm so proud of you baby, fighting for what you want. Do it! Do it Arroz!
ARROZ
All right. All right.
(WOODY lets him go. ARROZ moves very quickly, speaking first to
TORI:)
You're maid of honor. (to SPENSER:) You're best man. Let's, uh, lets do this.
(He arranges everyone in the proper place and then speaks.)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in matrimony. Woody,
do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, to honor her,
to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you
both shall live?
WOODY
I sure as shit do!
ARROZ
Julie, do you take this man to be your wife, to live together in matrimony, to love him, to honor
him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long
as you both shall live?
JULIE
Fornication under the consent of the king, yeah!
SPENSER
Huh?
JULIE
Think about the first letters of each word
SPENSER
(thinking hard, his face twisting up as he tries to puzzle it out by mouthing the letters. Finally:)
OH. Oh. Haha. Yeah. Thats real clever. Wood, you got yourself a good one!
ARROZ
What're you doing for, uh, rings?
TORI
I got some tinfoil in my bag.
WOODY
Ain't necessary. I was planning for this. Here's from my first marriage, been saving 'em for this
moment. (He pulls two very nice rings out of his pocket)

ARROZ
Hold hands. By virtue of the authority vested in me by God our Father, I now pronounce you
husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(JULIE moves forward to kiss WOODY but he is preoccupied.)
WOODY
Wait!
JULIE
Jesus, what is it now? Lets just do this before I change my mind.
WOODY
What about our own vows?
JULIE
Our vows?
WOODY
He didn't give us a chance to say 'em. I was waiting for the part in his speech and he didn't say it.
ARROZ
You'll have to forgive me. This is only my fifth, uh, wedding, and I hadn't planned for this, um,
this one. I didn't know you had prepared, uh, vows.
JULIE
I didnt.
WOODY
Don't worry, darlin'. I'll go first so you can have time to make something up.
JULIE
What a dream boat.
(TORI nods vehemently as SPENSER glares at her, jokingly
shaking his head.)
WOODY
Shut up while I say something nice. (beat, as he prepares) I wrote a poem and I'm telling you
that so you all can act accordingly. (he clears his throat, and then:)
There is a girl with eyes like a poppy
She's got fire in 'em
I want to touch that fire
and know why it burns.
There is a girl with hands like a woman
She makes things
and she is quiet

but her hands are loud.

There is a girl with a smile like a raven
It's wings span her face and I
I want to fly away with it
there are no crow's feet at the corners.
There is a girl that I can now call mine
for days I've watched her like a pot
but it's boiling so I guess
that myth ain't true.
There is a girl that became a woman on the day we got married
and now, with this ring, her heart I'll carry.
(There is silence, and then thunderous applause lead by none other
than SPENSER. When it finally dies down:)
ARROZ
I didn't know you wrote, uh, poetry, Woody.
WOODY
There's a lot you don't know about me.
JULIE
I didn't know you were so sensitive!
WOODY
It doesn't bother you, does it baby?
JULIE
Nah baby, I dont give a shit.
WOODY
Good, cause I wasn't changing even if it did!
JULIE
Youre hot. Ugh. Uh. My GOD I cant wait to marry you. Okay. Now, me?
ARROZ
Yes, if you'd, uh, if youd like.
JULIE
I would. Uh, I don't know quite what to say but I guess I'll have a whack at it. Woody, I didn't
know you very well before today but I see your heart and it's a beautiful thing, something I want
to hold close to and dear to my own. (beat, as she thinks) Uh...I remember when you used to
watch me at meetings which is why I got all, you know, creeped out and didn't come back but
then I figured the pros outweighed the cons for my treatment and stuff so I came back and, uh,
you kept staring at me but I tried to ignore it until I realized that it was cause you loved me and
then when I found out I realized I loved you too. I think I was scared to admit that to myself,

maybe, or something. But I know with my whole head that I do and I want to spend the rest of
my time figuring out why.
WOODY
That was real nice for on the fly, baby.
JULIE
Arroz, I want to kiss him. Do the thing!
ARROZ
Alright, alright. Both of you did very well on your, um, your vows. More truth and love than I've
heard in many of the couple I've, uh, Ive joined. So, um, for the final time...
JULIE
Hell yeah.
WOODY
I know, babe, but you gotta let him say it for it to be real. Hush now. I love you so much.
JULIE
Shut up, I know!
ARROZ
(ignoring their exchange)
By virtue of the authority invested in me by God our Father, I now pronounce you husband and
wife. You may kiss the bride.
WOODY
I'm going to do more than that!
(WOODY scoops her up and lays a big kiss on her mouth, and then
walks out of the meeting with her.)
ARROZ
Oh sweet Jesus.
TORI
Alright Arroz, let's get on with it.
ARROZ
On with, uh, with what?
TORI
Crazy stuff happens all the time. But we need help and you're the only one who can give it to us.
You need to go on.

ARROZ
I can't go on. (he looks around the circle at everyone, sighs deeply, closes his eyes, composes
himself, reopens them, and says:) I'll go on. (beat, as he looks around the circle.) Spenser, didn't
you have to, uh, leave?
SPENSER
Oh, yeah, that was a lie.
TORI
Are you kidding me?
ARROZ
Spenser, go home. (beat) You're drunk.
SPENSER
Yeah right! I've sobered up by now.
ARROZ
I'm telling you that I don't, um, I dont want you here and you need to, uh, to leave.
SPENSER
If I had my knife, I'd pull it now.
ARROZ
That's reason enough. You can't act right. Um, leave my, uh, my meeting.
SPENSER
Fuckin' bogus man. (He kicks over his chair and then leaves, dragging his sneakers on the
ground as he goes)
TORI
Wow, you're really done, aren't you?
ARROZ
Finally someone understands. It's not you all, honestly. This is good for me, and for you. Um, for
us. It's justMICHAEL
We get it. We're not an easy bunch to deal with.
ARROZ
Well, uh, no. Um. No. You're not.
(The group sits in a silence for a couple minutes, pondering this.
After awhile, everyone looks around awkwardly waiting for
something to happen. With his eyes closed:)
If you're waiting for me to do something, you're going to be waiting a long, um, a long time. It's
your meeting now. Spenser said it. Anarchy. I'm giving, uh, Im giving in.

TORI
YEAH, ANARCHY. Hey you guys, guess what? I may just be drunk right now. SURPRISE!
SPENSER
HI TORI.
ARROZ
GOODBYE, ALCOHOLICS.
(ARROZ stands, bows at the waist, and exits. The group sits
flabbergasted for a moment, and then:)
BLACKOUT.