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Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook
Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook
Copyright 1 9 9 6 by United F e a t u r e
Syndicate, Inc. All rights r e s e r v e d . Printed in t h e United S t a t e s of America. No part
of this book may be u s e d or r e p r o d u c e d in any m a n n e r w h a t s o e v e r without written
permission e x c e p t in t h e c a s e of brief quotations e m b o d i e d in critical articles a n d
reviews. For information a d d r e s s HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 E a s t 53rd
Street, New York, NY 10022.
DOGBERT'S TOP SECRET MANAGEMENT HANDBOOK.
HarperCollins b o o k s may be p u r c h a s e d for educational, b u s i n e s s , or s a l e s promotional u s e . For information p l e a s e write: Special Markets D e p a r t m e n t , HarperCollins
Publishers, Inc., 10 E a s t 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
First p a p e r b a c k edition published 1997.
/RRD
10
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
96-38167
Contents
BACKGROUND
Introduction
Why You N e e d This H a n d b o o k
1 ACTING LIKE A MANAGER
1.1 Two P a t h s of M a n a g e m e n t
1.2 M a n a g e r L a n g u a g e
1.3 M a n a g e m e n t Z o m b i e S t a r e
1.4 Looking like a M a n a g e r
1.5 M a n a g e m e n t Personality
1.6 Talking Too Long
1.7 T e c h n o l o g y Primer for M a n a g e r s
1.8 M a n a g i n g Your C a l e n d a r
1.9 Being Late for M e e t i n g s
1.10 E x e c u t i v e R e t r e a t s
1.11 M a n a g e m e n t P h y s i c s
1.12 Making D e c i s i o n s
1 . 1 3 Trust
1.14 L e a d e r s h i p
1.15 Identifying Potential M a n a g e r s
CONTENTS
2 MOTIVATING EMPLOYEES
2.1 E m p l o y e e Satisfaction
2 . 2 Hierarchy of N e e d s
2 . 3 Motivation Task F o r c e
2 . 4 Shallow C o m p l i m e n t P r o g r a m
2.5 Pretending to Care
2 . 6 W o r t h l e s s Gifts
2 . 7 F o r c e d Interaction with U n p l e a s a n t P e o p l e
2 . 8 Interesting Work
2.9 Challenge
2 . 1 0 Certificates of Appreciation
2.11 Empty P r o m i s e s of P r o m o t i o n s
2 . 1 2 A C h a n c e to Meet a Vice P r e s i d e n t
2 . 1 3 C a s h A w a r d s for T h i n g s T h a t Would H a p p e n Anyway
2 . 1 4 Incentives for Bringing Your G e r m s to Work
2.15 Objectives
2.16 Performance Evaluations
2 . 1 7 I n c r e a s i n g Productivity
2 . 1 8 Team-Building E x e r c i s e s
2.19 Removing Obstacles
2 . 2 0 E m p l o y e e Rejection Plan
2.21 Setting Priorities
2.22 Micromanaging
2 . 2 3 C r e a t i n g a F a l s e S e n s e of U r g e n c y
2 . 2 4 C a s u a l Day
2 . 2 5 Competition
2 . 2 6 R u m o r Control
CONTENTS
3 COMMUNICATING
3.1 Verbal Instructions
3.2 Newsletter
3 . 3 Staff M e e t i n g s
3.4 Making P r e s e n t a t i o n s
3 . 5 Your New E S P
3.6 Your E m p l o y e e s H a v e E a s y J o b s
4 S U C C E S S STRATEGIES
4.1 Taking Credit for Your E m p l o y e e s ' I d e a s
4 . 2 Blundering Your Way to t h e Top
4 . 3 Training
4.4 Empowerment
4 . 5 Diversity
4 . 6 Hiring C o n s u l t a n t s
4.7 Reorganizations
4 . 8 Artificial C o m p l i a n c e
4 . 9 Merging
5
COMPENSATION
5.1 C o m p e n s a t i o n P r o g r a m s
5.2 Setting B o n u s e s for S u b o r d i n a t e s
5 . 3 Why You're Paid S o Much
6 GETTING RID OF EMPLOYEES
6.1 Downsizing
6.2 E n c o u r a g i n g P e o p l e to Quit
6 . 3 Staffing Levels
CONTENTS
CONCLUSION
8.1 C o m m o n S e n s e
APPENDIX A: M a n a g e m e n t R e s o u r c e List
APPENDIX B: History of M a n a g e m e n t
B.1 In t h e Beginning
Background
This book will t e a c h you the Dogbert M a n a g e m e n t Method. All
modern m a n a g e r s u s e this book as their primary guide. When you
finish this book you will know what they know:
Leadership isn't s o m e t h i n g you're born with. It's s o m e t h i n g
y o u learn by reading Dogbert b o o k s .
WARNING
IF YOU ARE NOT A MANAGER, P U T THIS BOOK DOWN
RIGHT NOW. T H E R E ARE S O M E T H I N G S Y O U ' R E B E T T E R
O F F NOT KNOWING.
If you a r e reading this handbook, it is either b e c a u s e you a r e a mana g e r or b e c a u s e you a r e a curious little wanker who h a s ignored my
BACKGROUND
earlier admonitions against reading this far. Let's s a y you're a manager, just for argument.
You n e e d to develop the distinctive m a n n e r i s m s and practices that
will distinguish you from the exploited m a s s e s . As any expert will tell
you, there's no better s o u r c e for this kind of information than a small
white dog with g l a s s e s . That would be me.
You should listen to me b e c a u s e my brain is much larger than yours.
To illustrate my point, imagine that my brain is, for example, repres e n t e d by the continent of Africa. Now imagine that your brain is repr e s e n t e d by something very tiny; let's say, for example, your brain. I
think you can s e e the contrast here. And if you can't, trust me, you're
reading the right handbook.
As a m a n a g e r you could do a lot of thinking, experimenting, and
continuous training. Or you can just do what everyone else d o e s a n d
blindly follow my directions like an unthinking zombie. Blind obedie n c e is e a s i e r than the alternatives a n d the pay's the s a m e . In fact,
the pay is better, if you look at it from an hourly perspective. So k e e p
reading.
RESULT
1. Do nothing.
2. Do irrational and
unproductive things.
c a n - d o m a n a g e r who m a k e s
things h a p p e n .
Renaming the d e p a r t m e n t
S t a t u s reports
Teamwork e x e r c i s e s
Office relocations
Writing mission s t a t e m e n t s
R a n d o m organizational c h a n g e s
Making view g r a p h s
Micromanagement
It's not a good idea to refer to the dolts who report to you as dolts. It
m a k e s them more d a n g e r o u s than they already are. Although it c a n
be very entertaining to rile them up, it's not r e c o m m e n d e d . As a
m a n a g e r you h a v e to learn to be more diplomatic.
Use the more a c c e p t a b l e term resources. It m e a n s the s a m e thing as
dolt but for s o m e r e a s o n it doesn't get the s a m e reaction. Likewise,
the terms team member and associate should be used instead of the
diminutive terms pud and loser, respectively. The new terms sacrifice
nothing in accuracy while doing much for your personal security. In
this book I'll refer to the people who report to you as employees
b e c a u s e that term e n c o m p a s s e s all of t h o s e diminutive meanings.
It's important that your e m p l o y e e s think you a r e smart. Judging from
the fact that you're reading this book, you'll probably h a v e to fake it.
Listen carefully to the zombie-like s p e e c h patterns of other m a n a g e r s
and try to imitate them. If you h e a r a new m a n a g e m e n t buzzword,
jump on it like a starving squirrel on the last p e a n u t on earth.
Combine your new m a n a g e m e n t l a n g u a g e skills with the Management Z o m b i e Stare. Learn to hide every trace of c o m p r e h e n s i o n
and c o m p a s s i o n in your expression. Your f a c e should s e n d this
message:
Logic is futile.
S o m e rookie m a n a g e r s m a k e the mistake of inviting input from the
e m p l o y e e s , hoping for s o m e valuable insight or contribution. As far
as unwarranted optimism g o e s , this is roughly equivalent to panning
for gold in your own shower.
3. Babble.
4. Avoid answering any questions.
S o m e t i m e s you'll blunder into meetings called by people who h a v e a
"mission" or a "purpose" for the meeting. That's the sort of thing they
should be doing on their own time, not yours. Ignore their r u d e n e s s
a n d proceed with your own good work.
It is not n e c e s s a r y for you to understand the technology that drives
your company, or even the technology that raises and lowers your
big puffy chair. You are a manager, not a detail person. And you can
pay the "little people" to do the boring technical work for you. However, there a r e a few key technical c o n c e p t s you should m a s t e r to
avoid e m b a r r a s s m e n t .
1. W h e n you fax a p i e c e of paper, your original piece of p a p e r
d o e s not actually travel through t h e p h o n e lines. Nor c a n
you s a v e on travel e x p e n s e s by faxing yourself to a distant
location.
2. If your PC is plugged into the power outlet, that d o e s n ' t m e a n
you're c o n n e c t e d to the Internet, despite all the hype you
h e a r about how e a s y it is. You also n e e d software.
3. You don't n e e d to move your d e s k or put on s n e a k e r s in order
to be "running under Windows."
4. Ethernet will not m a k e you lose c o n s c i o u s n e s s , even if you
sniff a broken cable.
this?" Then watch them squirm as they try to convince you that it's
impossible or hideously e x p e n s i v e . They a r e lazy and deceitful.
Ignore their so-called expertise a n d d e m a n d that they do your
bidding.
Try to pick your technology challenges at random, as o p p o s e d to
choosing t h o s e that have s o m e immediate relevance to work in
progress. This s h o w s the s c o p e of your intellectual g r a s p of technology. For example, if your department is building a new customer
d a t a b a s e , insist that it incorporate the ability to store a r o m a s and
music (in c a s e you n e e d t h o s e capabilities later).
If you're too lazy to skim technology m a g a z i n e s for good ideas, simply combine any two good concepts, then challenge your staff to
m a k e it h a p p e n . For example, you could say, "Why don't we m a k e
all of our electrical outlets digital?" or "Why don't we get s o m e multimedia fax m a c h i n e s ? "
Take
Napoleon
Bonaparte,
for e x a m p l e .
He
was
originally an
More good news: Intangible leadership qualities a r e difficult for anybody to actually notice. That is your p a s s p o r t to leisure. Nobody will
really know if you're exuding h u g e quantities of leadership and motivation or if you're just walking around bothering people. To the
untrained observer, t h e s e activities a r e identical. So you c a n do
whichever is e a s i e r a n d it will have no impact on your pay.
Act c o n f u s e d .
Form a task force of people who a r e too busy to meet.
S e n d e m p l o y e e s to find more data.
Lose d o c u m e n t s submitted for your approval.
Say you're waiting for s o m e other m a n a g e r to "get up to speed."
T h e most popular method for avoiding decisions is the "margin
scrawl" technique. Use this method w h e n an e m p l o y e e l e a v e s a
d o c u m e n t on your d e s k that requires a decision. In the most illegible
handwriting you can g e n e r a t e , put little q u e s t i o n s in the margins of
the d o c u m e n t a n d give it to your secretary to deliver. Here a r e s o m e
good e x a m p l e s of margin scrawl:
MARGIN S C R A W L E X A M P L E S
Mlun yho a c k ?
Aroo't we arlaygge nob y a ?
Poon ya r h e b a c k ?
Your e m p l o y e e will be s t u n n e d a n d infuriated by this r e s p o n s e , but
since you're never available to clarify your c o m m e n t s , the e m p l o y e e
will e m b a r k on an a b s u r d o d y s s e y to find a n s w e r s to your questions.
This can take months. And when the e m p l o y e e tries again, you c a n
repeat the p r o c e s s with this scrawl: "Ya bloo n e e p wha???!!!" T h e
exclamation marks s h o w that you're getting angry a n d warn the
e m p l o y e e not to submit a n o t h e r unclear request.
T r u s t i s a n i m p o r t a n t a s s e t for a l e a d e r t o h a v e . T h a t m i g h t b e a
problem if you're a h u g e , u n s c r u p u l o u s w e a s e l b e n t on a b u s i n g your
p o s i t i o n o f p o w e r f o r p e r s o n a l g a i n . F o r t u n a t e l y t h e r e ' s a tool f o r
l e a d e r s like y o u t o o ; it's c a l l e d "lying."
Lying isn't a g o o d i d e a i n n o n w o r k s i t u a t i o n s b e c a u s e b a d t h i n g s c a n
h a p p e n i f y o u g e t c a u g h t . But w h e n y o u ' r e d e a l i n g with e m p l o y e e s ,
they h a v e f e w retaliatory options a s long a s you k e e p t h e s u p p l y
c a b i n e t locked. And if you lose their trust, you c a n a l w a y s u s e f e a r
a n d intimidation t o g e t t h e s a m e r e s u l t s . T h e r e ' s n o real risk.
2. Motivating Employees
You might be t e m p t e d to try to k e e p e m p l o y e e s satisfied in order to
maintain productivity. That's not easy. Employee satisfaction can be
expensive, s o m e t i m e s even unhygienic. T h e r e is only o n e g e r m - f r e e
and economical alternative to a d d r e s s i n g the e m p l o y e e satisfaction
issue. S e e if you can locate it on this list.
EMPLOYEE SATISFACTION ALTERNATIVES
1. Increase salaries.
2. Improve the working environment.
3. Do an e m p l o y e e satisfaction survey a n d ignore the results.
Choice 3 is the correct answer. But be careful how you design the
e m p l o y e e satisfaction survey. If you allow the e m p l o y e e s to s a y
what's really bothering them, they might expect you to c h a n g e
something; i.e., expect you to do work, a n d that would pretty much
h o s e all the benefits of this a p p r o a c h .
Working in a cubicle h a s m a d e
I am surrounded by idiots.
My pay is so low c o m p a r e d
never mind that it took the employee all day to create the status
report, thus eliminating the possibility of doing any real work. The
important thing is that the employee w a s recognized for the high quality of this meaningless work. That's what fuels the productivity engine.
E m p l o y e e s thrive on "challenge." Give them as many artificial chall e n g e s as possible. For example, you could ask them for frequent
presentations a n d s t a t u s reports until the e m p l o y e e s h a v e no time
left to actually work. That's exactly the kind of challenge they're looking for.
When you h a v e an exceptionally nasty project, p r e s e n t it to your
e m p l o y e e as a "challenge." That seemingly minor c h a n g e in syntax
will c a u s e the e m p l o y e e to feel like an Olympic athlete instead of the
boot-stomped carpet mite that he is. Words matter.
Nothing inspires an e m p l o y e e quite like the thrill of receiving a certificate of appreciation. It's not the value of the item that matters, it's
the m e s s a g e that it c o m m u n i c a t e s . Specifically, the inspirational
m e s s a g e is this:
It can be e x p e n s i v e to promote an e m p l o y e e . But it c o s t s you nothing to promise a promotion at s o m e undefined future time. That way
you get all of the motivational benefits without any of the costs.
When the future arrives (and believe me,
uncaring
turds.
Needless
to
say,
employees
are
FANTASY S C E N E
Ask your e m p l o y e e s to participate in the creation of their own objectives. This p r o c e s s is called "buy-in" a n d it can be very a m u s i n g to
watch.
Ask e a c h e m p l o y e e to write up a set of objectives that s e e m s appropriate. The s m a r t e r e m p l o y e e s will invent fun a n d u n m e a s u r a b l e
objectives like t h e s e .
FUN AND U N M E A S U R A B L E O B J E C T I V E S
You won't believe the calm and r e a s s u r e d look you'll get w h e n you
tell an e m p l o y e e that his objectives h a v e b e e n adjusted in your
mind. His e y e b r o w s will wrinkle a n d he'll start to wring his little
h a n d s and shift in his s e a t . He might start updating his r e s u m e right
in front of you. You don't have to be an expert in body l a n g u a g e to
know that t h o s e a r e all signs of trust.
By the time the actual review period is up you will be transferred to
a n o t h e r group to m a n a g e . Don't worry about the e m p l o y e e s you left
behind. C o m p a n y policy s a y s you must complete the p e r f o r m a n c e
reviews of the e m p l o y e e s in your old department, but that policy is
only m e a n t to k e e p the e m p l o y e e s motivatedit's not something
you actually h a v e to do.
However, you will be a s k e d to review the e m p l o y e e s in your newly
inherited group. You'll h a v e no idea what they've d o n e all year, but
that won't matter b e c a u s e their objectives will be moot by that time
anyway. Blame the previous m a n a g e r for not giving you any f e e d back a n d s a y you've got a call in. Keep that up until you're transferred again a n d the trail grows cold.
If for s o m e reason you stay in o n e job for too long, you may be forced
to do a performance review and assign raises. Begin by asking the
e m p l o y e e s to write their own performance review. This may s e e m
irrational to them, since ultimately they're not going to have any s a y
about their own rating. And it might s e e m like they're doing your job
for you. T h o s e c o n c e r n s can be eliminated by pretending to care.
But if s h a r k s won't work for you b e c a u s e of s o m e ethical consideration or other, h e r e a r e s o m e other m e t h o d s to try.
T h e r e are many hours in the day that get w a s t e d b e c a u s e employe e s insist on eating, sleeping, and procreating. You can r e d u c e
t h o s e unproductive periods by forcing them to work unpaid overtime.
But don't refer to it as unpaid overtime. Refer to it as a "commitment
to professionalism" or s o m e other noble-sounding n a m e . Never,
ever refer to it as "HA HA HA, YOU'RE WORKING HARD FOR
NOTHING!!!" That would be demotivating.
Employees might seem to be more creative when they work long
hours, but don't worry about that threatit's not really creativity, it's
only dementia. Dementia is similar to creativity but without the
e x p e n s e of art supplies.
Creativity can c a u s e no end of trouble in your company, w h e r e a s
dementia can help keep salary e x p e n s e s in check. It's a fine line, but
you can tell the difference by looking at the e a r s of your e m p l o y e e s . If
an e a r is pierced several times, that's creativitya sign of trouble.
But if an e a r is missing entirely, that's dementia. That's good.
S o m e t i m e s you won't have any pressing problems in your departmentat least n o n e that you're choosing to acknowledge. W h e n
this situation arises, the e m p l o y e e s will get all w e a k and puffy a n d
lose the rhino-in-quicksand work ethic that you'd like them to have.
You can remedy that situation by creating a false s e n s e of urgency.
If your e m p l o y e e s normally wear "business" clothes, you can motivate them by establishing a "casual day" on Fridays. The corporate
definition of casual h a s three related parts.
UNQUESTIONABLE FACTS
Competition is healthy.
When you h a v e your health you h a v e everything.
You only hurt the o n e s you love.
3. Communicating
Give verbal instructions, not written, w h e n e v e r you think you might
want to deny that you w e r e involved in a decision. If an e m p l o y e e
later tries to implicate you, just look at him as if he must be insane. If
you continue this practice consistently, the e m p l o y e e will actually
become insane, t h u s covering your trail completely, not to mention
making downsizing a b r e e z e .
But it's not all good news. There can be s o m e negative c o n s e q u e n c e s to making all of your e m p l o y e e s insane. R e m e m b e r , there's
no free lunch (unless you a s k your secretary to buy it for you a n d
then you "forget" to reimburse). So it should be no surprise that having a d e p a r t m e n t full of lunatics might h a v e a downside risk. T h e
d a n g e r begins when mild lunacy turns into d a n g e r o u s insanity. Look
for t h e s e warning signs.
You can count on at least one member of your group to ask endless
"clarifying" questions on e a c h subject, thus demonstrating his incredible
analytical prowess until every other m e m b e r of the group begins to fantasize about strangling him with the cord from the overhead projector.
Give e a c h e m p l o y e e an opportunity to d r o n e endlessly about uninteresting job-related problems. The e m p l o y e e will instinctively u s e
a c r o n y m s a n d o b s c u r e r e f e r e n c e s that prevent any information from
being transferred to other m e m b e r s of the group.
Don't e n c o u r a g e the e m p l o y e e s to be relevant, interesting, or brief.
R e m e m b e r , the goal is communication, not a transfer of information.
If the e m p l o y e e c o n c l u d e s his monologue by asking for your help,
brush it a s i d e by saying, "Let's take that discussion off line," m e a n ing, "If you bother me with that again I'll s e n d you to gather data."
Invite your e n e m i e s from other d e p a r t m e n t s to give presentations on
things that a r e of no relevance to the group. This a c c o m p l i s h e s two
additional goals:
1. It m a k e s you look like a t e a m player.
2. It prevents your e n e m i e s from getting any work done, thus
increasing their c h a n c e s of failure.
Anytime you can give the a p p e a r a n c e of teamwork while making coworkers look bad, you h a v e d o n e your job.
Your staff might try to trick you into talking a b o u t things that matter to
them, such as salaries, staffing levels, a n d pending reorganizations.
Deny having any information about t h e s e subjects. T h e s e topics a r e
demotivating by their very nature and they should be avoided. Simply remind them of the competitive environment and tell them it's
"business as usual." That will have a calming effect. If you h e a r a
rattling sound, that's the noise e m p l o y e e s ' brains m a k e while spinning around in their skulls. It's quite natural a n d no r e a s o n to be
alarmed.
As a manager, you will h a v e the least a m o u n t of useful information
of a n y o n e in the organization. You can c o m p e n s a t e for that by being
the o n e who d o e s all the presenting. Use computer slide s h o w s a n d
o v e r h e a d t r a n s p a r e n c i e s to disguise your c l u e l e s s n e s s .
The key to presenting information you don't understand is to try to
limit the presentation to a few a r e a s that a r e so boring and obvious
that your a u d i e n c e will be a b s o r b e d with t h o u g h t s of a s s i s t e d suicide
(yours) a n d they won't h a v e time to dwell on your lack of knowledge.
The best way to know if a topic is suitable for your presentation is to
s a y it aloud a n d listen for an involuntary "Duh!" s o u n d springing from
the bowels of your throat. (Yes, you do h a v e bowels in your throat.
All m a n a g e r s do.)
If you don't feel like giving verbal instructions, you can u s e your new
E S P to s e n d m e s s a g e s . As a m a n a g e r it is sufficient to "think" what
you want and wait for your e m p l o y e e s to implement it. S o m e
e m p l o y e e s will whine that they cannot pick up on your thought
w a v e s . But logically, if you're sending the thought w a v e s a n d the
e m p l o y e e s aren't receiving them, the problem is on their end. Document their communication failures so you can refer to them during
the next p e r f o r m a n c e review cycle.
As a m a n a g e r you will be able to b e n d s p o o n s with your mind as
easily as you can bend them with your m u s c l e s . In other words, not
at all. You're a manager, not a triathlete. And t h o s e s p o o n s a r e sturdier than they look.
As a m a n a g e r you will be getting paid much more than the people
who report to you. Therefore, logically, it is s a f e to a s s u m e that what
you do is much more difficult than what they do. They might try to
convince you otherwise, but it's a trick to avoid work.
4. Success Strategies
It's rare, but s o m e t i m e s your e m p l o y e e s will accidentally c o m e up
with a good idea. W h e n that h a p p e n s you must first reject the idea
and then later claim it as your own. You can reject the idea using
o n e of t h e s e time-tested p i e c e s of logic.
Being linked with epic failures s o u n d s bad, but it's not. The next time
senior m a n a g e m e n t n e e d s s o m e o n e to m a n a g e a big project, they'll
say, "Who h a s experience?" Your n a m e will be on the top of the list.
Everyone else will either be busy or unknown. You'll be the obvious
choicethe person who knows what pitfalls to avoid. And don't
worry that t h o s e senior m a n a g e r s will scrutinize this decision too
closely. They're busy screwing up things to e n h a n c e their own
careers.
Your e m p l o y e e s will often whine about the n e e d for training. Try to
ignore them. Training can lead to no good. In the short term it
c a u s e s missed work. In the long term it c a u s e s e m p l o y e e s to leave
for jobs that pay a living w a g e . Nobody wins when that h a p p e n s .
Your first line of d e f e n s e is logic. Try to talk your e m p l o y e e s out of
taking training c l a s s e s by using this bulletproof argument:
"Why do you n e e d all of t h e s e technical training c l a s s e s ? I didn't
n e e d any training to do this job."
S o m e t i m e s logic won't be enough, especially if the dolts in the budget d e p a r t m e n t allocated money for e m p l o y e e training. The employe e s will point to the training budget as justification for their futile
requests.
E m p o w e r m e n t is t h e p r o c e s s of shifting b l a m e f r o m yourself to t h e
e m p l o y e e s . A c c o r d i n g t o highly p a i d c o n s u l t a n t s , t h i s will m a k e t h e
e m p l o y e e s happier, t h u s r e d u c i n g their u n r e a s o n a b l e d e m a n d s for a
living w a g e .
Ethnicity
Sex
Disability
Age
Ugliness
Stupidity
Height
Weight
Hair
Clothing
You c a n c r e a t e t h e illusion o f b e i n g d e c i s i v e b y r e o r g a n i z i n g t h e
department.
To the
ignorant observer,
reorganizations
look
like
any
organizational
shuffle
will
make
you
look
like
visionary.
Reorganizations give you an excellent r e a s o n to m a k e the employe e s move their p o s s e s s i o n s to identical cubicles a few feet away.
The e m p l o y e e s will whine and c u r s e about the loss of productivity
during this time. It is your job to explain the obvious benefits of the
move:
Reengineering
ISO 9000
extend your deception by ordering n o t e p a d s with the slogan emblaz o n e d a c r o s s the front.
Coffee m u g s a n d n o t e p a d s s e n d an important m e s s a g e to the
e m p l o y e e s . Specifically, that m e s s a g e is, "Pretend you're buying
into the program a n d m a y b e you'll get s o m e more free stuff."
Find the most u s e l e s s e m p l o y e e in your d e p a r t m e n t and put that
person in c h a r g e of whatever the new m a n a g e m e n t initiative is. Give
that person a title like "Manager of Excellence in C u s t o m e r Care."
This way you a p p e a r to be complying with the corporate initiative but
you lose very little in productivity, except for the e n d l e s s b u r d e n s this
person will place on the other poor e m p l o y e e s who are trying to do
real work.
If you have no idea how to do anything useful at your company, s o m e times you can disguise that fact by merging with a c o m p a n y that is
even more clueless. Stock market analysts like it when two clueless,
limping c o m p a n i e s get together to "leverage their synergies."
Mergers take a long time, g e n e r a t e a lot of press, and involve lots of
money. T h e s e a r e all good things for your career, especially the part
about it taking a long time. With any luck, you'll be prancing off to a
new job long before another m a n a g e r begins selling off what's left of
the merged c o m p a n y at g a r a g e s a l e s a n d flea markets.
COMPANY #2
MERGED COMPANY
Coca-Cola
Head
Coke Head
(beverages)
(sports
equipment)
(sport drink)
Bayer
AST
Bayer AST
(aspirin)
(computers)
(nudist camps)
Hertz
A. B. Dick
Hertz Dick
(rental cars)
(office
equipment)
(circumcisions)
5. Compensation
5.1 COMPENSATION
PROGRAMS
My p e r f o r m a n c e w a s excep-
But your p e r f o r m a n c e w a s
s t a n d a r d s . Give me a raise.
bad. Go away.
EMPLOYEE SAYS . .
My p e r f o r m a n c e w a s excep-
But it h a s b e e n a difficult y e a r
t e a m leader?
You can increase your bonus by making it impossible for your subordin a t e s to get b o n u s e s of their own. This is known as good budget control and it is always rewarded. There are two main ways to do this:
1. Link subordinates' b o n u s e s to goals so far in the future that
the earth will first be destroyed by a rogue asteroid.
2. Link subordinates' b o n u s e s to goals that can be easily
thwarted by your single-minded drive to b e c o m e a leader via
the p r o c e s s of screwing up gigantic projects.
Most subordinates will s e e right through this subterfuge and b e c o m e
angry and bitter. With any luck, s o m e will quit, thus lowering e x p e n s e s
and increasing your bonus even more.
You a r e entitled to more money than the n o n m a n a g e m e n t employe e s b e c a u s e you take on much more risk. That's basic economics,
although s o m e people don't s e e m to understand it.
m a n a g e r s are entitled to
o b s c e n e salaries. I don't m e a n o b s c e n e in the s e n s e that the expresidents shown on the currency aren't wearing any p a n t s e v e n
though they aren'tI m e a n o b s c e n e in the s e n s e that there's a lot of
money involved. In contrast, n o n m a n a g e m e n t e m p l o y e e s earn l e s s
pay b e c a u s e they take on less risk.
It's never fun to fire s o m e o n e , unless you're having a bad day yourself. But it can be very entertaining to torment employees until they
quit on their own. It's economical too. You can s a v e money on layoffs
by being so unpleasant that people quit without qualifying for any separation package. Use t h e s e techniques to e n c o u r a g e people to resign.
Teamwork
Your personality
If that's not e n o u g h to m a k e people quit, you might n e e d to work the
opposite angleto e m p h a s i z e the positive a s p e c t s of being u n e m ployed. E m p h a s i z e the fact that s o m e of the happiest people alive
a r e jobless, a n d that can't be a coincidence.
Children
Retired billionaires
Dead people in h e a v e n
H o m e l e s s people with shopping carts
The last categoryhomeless people with shopping cartsisn't as
obvious as the others. But think about it; they get to simulate the joy of
shopping all day long without anybody ever asking them if they want
the extended service warranty. That would m a k e many people happy.
T h e biggest threat to your h a p p i n e s s as a m a n a g e r is the neverending p a r a d e of whining e m p l o y e e s who will try to bring gloomy
"issues" into your life. Your only options a r e to ignore the e m p l o y e e s
or to punish them. But realistically, only o n e of t h e s e options h a s
entertainment value, so it's an e a s y choice if you're feeling playful.
Punish your whiners with any of the following methods.
WHINER PUNISHMENTS
1. Assign the whiner to "fix" the problem in his "spare time" without "spending money."
2. Put the whiner on a task force with people who whine even
more.
3. Make the whiner the chairperson of the Morale Committee.
In time it will b e c o m e e a s i e r to ignore the whining n o i s e s e m a n a t i n g
from your e m p l o y e e s . You could even learn to enjoy it, like crickets
on a s u m m e r night, except they're much bigger and uglier, a n d you
wouldn't want them on your property after dark.
your other
Menial T a s k s : It is your job to s e a r c h continuously for a s s i g n m e n t s that a r e s e n s e l e s s a n d d e g r a d i n g t a s k s that m a k e d o u ble-sided photocopying look like o r g a n t r a n s p l a n t surgery. For
e x a m p l e , you could a s k your s e c r e t a r y to sort your pencil s h a v ings into small, m e d i u m , a n d large s i z e s . Or a s k your s e c r e t a r y to
s e n d a fax w h e n you're s t a n d i n g right in front of t h e fax m a c h i n e .
For t h e m a x i m u m impact, s a y s o m e t h i n g like "You're so m u c h better at it."
In the unlikely event that your job g e n e r a t e s any real work, fob it off
on your underlings by having them form "self-managed t e a m s . "
That's an elegant way of saying they do your job in addition to their
own. This is a bit like teaching the c o w s to milk t h e m s e l v e s , but it's
possible if they're flexible.
T h e ultimate goal of all m a n a g e r s is to d u p e the e m p l o y e e s into
doing to t h e m s e l v e s the things that m a n a g e r s would normally do to
them. You'll n e e d to give the e m p l o y e e s a r e a s o n for doing your
work. S e t the s t a g e by being inaccessible for meetings and unknowle d g e a b l e about what your e m p l o y e e s do for a living. Make bad decisions or no decisions at all. In time, the e m p l o y e e s will c o m e to s e e
you as a h u g e obstacle to progress. They will b e c o m e more frustrated than a w o o d p e c k e r in a petrified forest. They might even a s k
for p e r m i s s i o n to do your work!
Plan a h e a d .
YOU'RE
FIRED,
LEAVE
IMMEDI-
ately, Y O U W O R T H L E S S D E A D W O O D .
8. Conclusion
If you studied this entire h a n d b o o k , you probably h a v e too m u c h of
an a t t e n t i o n s p a n to be a m a n a g e r . But if y o u s k i p p e d to t h e e n d to
s e e h o w i t t u r n e d o u t , y o u p r o b a b l y h a v e t h e "right s t u f f . "
Appendix A:
Management Resource List
For additional m a n a g e m e n t guidance, refer to t h e s e s o u r c e s :
Satan
Appendix B:
History of Management
Scholars d i s a g r e e on the origins of m a n a g e m e n t . But scholars a r e
people who a r e not talented e n o u g h to b e c o m e m a n a g e r s themselves, so it's generally a good idea to ignore what s c h o l a r s say.
Instead, you should learn history the way it h a s b e e n learned for
a g e s : by reading stuff that s o m e o n e m a d e up. This is my version of
the history of m a n a g e m e n t . I embellished in p l a c e s w h e r e there a r e
tiny g a p s in my knowledge, but I don't think you'll notice.
M a n a g e m e n t b e g a n soon after h u m a n s learned to control fire. Prior
to that, every c a v e dweller acted as an independent contractor,
chasing small furry critters, killing them, and eating them raw. This
activity required no meetings, and the s t a t u s reports w e r e fairly
straightforward: "Killed small furry critter. Ate it."
Everyone w a s happy with this system, except for the small furry critters, who often complained that it "wasn't fair."
APPENDIX
HISTORY OF MANAGEMENT
C h a l l e n g e d by t h e j e e r s of t h e c a v e dolts a r o u n d him, t h e e n g i n e e r
did t h e only thing he could do to s a v e f a c e : He c o n c o c t e d a silly
application for his product. "Why not," he offered, "put our d e a d critt e r s in t h e fire a n d t o a s t t h e m b e f o r e eating t h e m ? "
This w a s obviously a d u m b idea, but by p u r e c h a n c e it coincided
with t h e invention of advertising. A c a v e m a n w e a r i n g an especially
funky animal hide s t e p p e d forward a n d d e s c r i b e d t h e m a n y b e n e f i t s
of t o a s t e d critters:
BENEFITS OF TOASTED CRITTERS
S a v e s m o n e y c o m p a r e d to other long-distance p h o n e
companies!
Not available in s t o r e s !
APPENDIX
period, s o m e of which eventually found their way onto cable television to c r e a t e "premium channels."
Most of the c a v e people realized it w a s a good idea to poke a long
stick into your d e a d critter before holding it in the fire. But occasionally there would be a c a v e person who couldn't s e e the a d v a n t a g e of
that technique and would try to hold the critter over the fire with his
bare h a n d s . T h e latter group w a s sneeringly referred to as "managers," which w a s the s a m e word they u s e d to describe h u g e piles
of m a s t o d o n dung.
Over time, the m a s t o d o n s b e c a m e extinct, but the word manager
lived on. Realizing that the m a n a g e r s w e r e not likely to do anything
productive, the c a v e people a s k e d them to do things like write "mission s t a t e m e n t s " a n d hold meetings. T h e s e activities kept the mana g e r s out of the way and didn't s e e m to c a u s e any harm.
For the next million years, people w e r e busy doing things like trying
to avoid getting bit by rats, conquering other people, and convincing
m a n a g e r s to e a t unidentified items found in nature. For example,
when the tribe found a new kind of half-chewed m u s h r o o m surrounded by the c a r c a s s e s of d e a d animals, they would wonder if it
w a s s a f e to eat. S o m e o n e would hold up the mushroom a n d say,
"Let's get a m a n a g e r . He'll eat her." Then they would all laugh
heartily until they w e r e bitten by rats.
HISTORY
OF
MANAGEMENT