Ninja Sex: Can You Do It in the Dark?

Can You Do
It without Screaming?
by William S. Dean
(08/15/07)

"Why are there no wet marks on the bed and why didn't your parents hear
us?"
"I'm a ninja..."
"gasp I had ninja sex?"
-- Urban Dictionary

You've heard the rumors, maybe even know a

friend of a friend of a friend who...but seriously,
do you even know what ninja sex is? Ninjas, as
we all should know, were the stealthy super
warriors of feudal Japan. Skilled beyond even
the master samurai swordsmen, the ninjas'
exploits have grown legendary in the telling and
re-telling across the centuries. But what do
these shadow assassins have to do with
enhancing your sex life?

It turns out to be quite a bit, but it will require you

to re-think your whole perspective on doing the
deeds. The Urban Dictionary quoted above
defines ninja sex as "(1) Having noiseless sex
(no squeaking springs or vocals) while one or more people are passed out in
the same room. (2) Sex in which no one can hear or see; noiseless but
pleasureful silent and unmarking sex." As usual, your mileage may vary in
actual practice and -- in the tradition of the true ninjas -- these definitions
only hint at the more striking reality.

There are many varieties of ninja sex being practiced right now. Like other
arts, with their crane-tiger, mantis-snake, drunk monkey-pirate wench styles
and forms, ninja sex, too, can be broken down into picturesque types. For
example, among parents with small children, one of the major styles might be
called "The Tiny Footstep" also known as "Did you hear something?" Trying
to avoid waking sleeping infants and small children while having sex is a
remarkable activity with many movements worthy of a master ninja. Have
you reached the level of the barkless doggy, grasshopper? Or perhaps you
and your creative partner have attained the exquisite "Reverse Cowgirl
Without Yeehaw."

Near silent and stealthy sex is not just for parents, of course. The roommate,
dorm room, or "my parents are upstairs/downstairs" forms have been well
known to sneaky lovers for centuries. I suspect in the full scope of
retrospection, I've earned a "red belt" in ninja sex several times over. The real
challenges are in not having ordinary bed sex while maintaining a stealthy
silence and a minimum of movement. Beds creak no matter how sturdy, not
to mention the tell-tale rhythm of fucking which eavesdroppers seem to be
able to detect from a mile away.

I recall once perching on a tiny three-legged stool in the middle of a bedroom

with a lover's thighs draped across my crotch. We precariously balanced on
one leg of the stool with the other two in the air and sort of rotated and
rocked for over half-an hour until the requisite orgasm was accomplished.
We did this with only the tiniest amount of muffled giggling and soundlessly
screamed into each other's mouths in mutual ecstasy. It was great. And
those downstairs never suspected a thing.

Another time, after one member of a threesome had passed out snoring on
the floor, we carried on -- being vewy quiet as if hunting wabbits -- for several
hours without disturbing his cozy slumber.

Perhaps the consummate act of ninja sex, however, is when a dorm roomie
is barely more than a room's width away and any "transgression" will result in
expulsion or at least unwanted campus gossip. Dorm beds are tiny to begin
with and not at all designed for two partying, wine-drinking, sloppy sex lovers
to have a semi-private orgy in the dark. But -- thank the Goddess -- it can be
achieved if one is well-versed in the consummate skills of ninja sex.

No doubt -- at one time or another -- almost everyone has engaged in some

form of ninja sex, whether solo masturbation when you might get caught
(come on, you know you've done it!) or coupled up in a public or private
space where the slightest slip up could prove embarrassing or cause for
arrest.

And if you haven't yet performed The Silent Screw or the Quiet Coitus,
grasshopper, you are not yet ready to leave the temple and become a sex
ninja.