Reflection_1

Whenever I have tried to reflect on the past year of high school, I have inexplicably
found myself thinking back to earlier years in the place of my senior year. I do not reminisce on
the things that I learned in those years as much as I wonder at the transformation that I have
come through. I see a great difference in my ability to write from the 10th grade to the 12th,
though growth has not been limited to the intricacies of writing. I feel that the past three years
have also shown increasing maturity as I have been faced with struggles and setbacks. The past
year in particular has been eye-opening, giving me the perspective that I had lacked before to
look at myself in a constructively critical manner. As such, I have acquired an awareness that put
me face-to-face with two particular complications that had to be addressed if I was to improve as
both a writer and an individual.
Pride was one of the largest obstacles that I was faced with this year. It has been the most
debilitating of my faults because it has affected not only me as a person for many years, but it
has also hampered my writing and my receptiveness to others opinions. My pride malignantly
manifested the most when I received feedback on my written papers, whether that feedback was
peer reviews or the comments on my final paper. When an error was pointed out, or if a change
was suggested, there were many times that I ignored the comments, instead believing that my
way was the better way. Specifically, I had one peer that mentioned in my first nine weeks essay
(the position paper on the effects of wealth) that it was thesis-less. At the time, I wrongly
believed that I had a strong, well-supported thesis, and that my peer was merely mistaken or
trying to look smart. I received a four on that paper, mainly due to the apparent lack of a thesis.
The argument was disjointed and confusing throughout the paper because there was no clear
direction for the argument to go.

I felt like a fool after I received the grade for that paper. I was enraged and unreceptive
for quite a while. I had refused to believe that I had done anything wrong, and that it was instead
an attempt to needle me, to make me feel insecure in my ability to write. That sounds absolutely
ridiculous to me now, but I whole-heartedly believed it at the time. It wasnt until many weeks
later that I finally accepted the mistake and tried to learn from it. During that time of obstinacy,
however, I was even more protective of my writing than normal. I was downright sullen and
hostile at times, refusing to hear anything negative about my papers. I resented the success of
others, savagely tearing their papers apart in my mind when I compared theirs to mine and found
theirs wanting. All of these things prevented me from improving my writing, and my misplaced
pride was at the center of that problem. By cutting off all outside opinions, I trapped myself in a
dark hole of resentment and self-imposed ignorance. By letting my ego influence my logic, I
prolonged a time of intolerance that cost me dearly, for it introduced another of the trials with
which I have been faced.
Quickly following on the heels of acceptance came a bleakness that was every bit as
disruptive as the pride that had afflicted me previously. The insecurity I felt was, ironically
enough, the very same feeling that I had thought was the goal of the reviewers of my previous
paper. That self-doubt assaulted me every time I went to write after I had realized that my thesis
was wrong for a viable reason. Instead of seeing the incorrect thesis as an isolated error, I saw it
as proof that I wasnt a competent writer. Theses are rather difficult to write incorrectly, but I had
managed it, and I lost confidence in my ability to write as a result. It made me completely
overhaul my writing. I started to see every sentence that I wrote as wrong for reason X, or could
be construed to say idea Y instead of idea Z, etc. It was quite likely the closest I have ever come
to being paranoid. There were days that I was lucky to pen down more than two sentences in

succession due to the constant backtracking and erasing. Writing became a miserable, arduous
task for several weeks.
To a degree, that same insecurity remains. It has been tempered by the passage of time,
though, and has proven itself to be a useful tool when I wish to go over both my papers and my
peers papers over the last three nine weeks. The insecurity induces a paranoia of a sort that gives
me a perspective that I may have missed out on otherwise, allowing for a more in depth review
of the written content. This new mindset forces me to consider every possible way the written
material may be interpreted by the reader. I find myself more closely observing my word choice
and the subsequent tone that it produces, as well as how the structure of my paper has been
organized, and those things have undoubtedly helped me to become a more effective writer by
reducing the confusion the reader may experience while reading my paper. This insecurity has
carried over into my communication habits as well, causing me to consider what I wish to say
and which words would be most appropriate to communicate an idea before I speak.
Ultimately, I feel that this year has prepared me for college in a manner that I was
unlikely to experience were it not for the circumstances that occurred in English 12 AP. While I
am appreciative of the improvements that this year has wrought on my writing, I find the
introspection and perspective that I have gained to be far more valuable assets. Pride has been a
sin that I have struggled with since my elementary years, and I am glad to have put it to rest once
again now that college is approaching. Mastering necessary that particular vice ironically brings
me great pride, though I feel it is a more constructive form than what I previously felt. In
addition, I feel more confident in my ability to speak with others since I consider my words a
little more carefully. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to speak to anyone with the utter
certainty that whatever I say, it is exactly what I meant to convey. Such a skill will be invaluable

in college, since clear and direct communication will be essential to attaining my goal to join a
lab within the first semester. Every day is a testimony to me that the past year has wrought a
profound and positive change in me as an individual, and I cannot help but look eagerly to the
future.