Soho Cinders Libretto Vocal Book

SOHO
CINDERS
an urban musical fable

Music by
Lyrics by
Book by
GEORGE STILES
ANTHONY DREWE
ANTHONY DREWE and ELLIOT DAVIS
LIBRETTO / VOCAL BOOK
Josef Weinberger
SOHO CINDERS
Copyright 2015 by George Stiles, Anthony Drewe and Elliot Davis
Edition Copyright 2015 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights Reserved
PHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL
Applications to perform this work must be made,

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This edition: June 2015
SOHO CINDERS
Cast
NARRATOR
ROBBIE A young man

VELCRO a young single mum, Robbie's best friend
LORD BELLINGHAM An industrial tycoon
CLODAGH / DANA Robbie's ugly stepsisters
JAMES PRINCE A London Mayoral candidate
MARILYN PLATT James' fiance
WILLIAM GEORGE James' tyrannical campaign manager
SASHA William's assistant
SIDESADDLE Westminster bike hire manager, Robbie and Velcro's friend
ENSEMBLE
Photographers, Crowd, Launderette Customers,
Party Guests, Members of the Press, etc.
Musical Numbers

ACT ONE
1.
Old Compton Street (Velcro, Robbie, Clodagh & Dana, Ensemble)
2.
Wishing For The Normal (Velcro, Robbie)
2a.
Wishing For The Normal Scene Change (Instrumental)
3.
Spin (James, William, Sasha, Ensemble)
4.
Gypsies Of The Ether (Robbie, James)
4a.
Gypsies Of The Ether Tag (James, Robbie)
5.
I'm So Over Men (Dana, Clodagh)
5a.
I'm So Over Men Reprise (Dana, Clodagh)
6.
Remember Us (Marilyn, James)
6a.
Old Compton Street Reprise (Lord Bellingham)
7.
It's Hard To Tell (Velcro, Robbie, Ensemble)
7a.
It's Hard To Tell Fade (Instrumental)
8.
You Shall Go To The Ball (Velcro, Sidesaddle, Dana, Clodagh,
Lord Bellingham, Robbie, Marilyn, William, James, Ensemble)

ACT TWO
9.
Entr'acte (Ensemble)
10.
Who's That Boy? (Ensemble, William, Clodagh, Dana, Marilyn)
11.
Glass Slippers (Robbie)
11a. Spin Reprise (Marilyn)

11b.
Underscore into The Tail That Wags (Instrumental)
12.
The Tail That Wags The Dog (William, Sasha, Ensemble)
13.
Let Him Go (Velcro, Marilyn)
13a. Wishing For The Normal Reprise (Velcro)

13b. Remember Us Reprise (James, Marilyn)
14.
Fifteen Minutes (Clodagh, Dana, Ensemble)
15.
Finale (Marilyn, Robbie, James, Velcro)
16.
Bows (Company)
17.
Playout (Instrumental)
Soho Cinders
SOHO CINDERS
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE Old Compton Street
A soundscape of London noises taxis, buses, crowds. Musical intro to Old
Compton Street starts. The sound of our Narrators voice is heard for the first
time.
Narrator
Old Compton Street, Soho. That promiscuous potpourri. That

metropolitan munificence. That glittering back passage. Its
7pm on a fairly ordinary Spring evening. Theatregoers rub
shoulders with prostitutes. Local businessman, on their way
home, are having one last drink as they collide with a younger
crowd arriving for their first.
(The Company start to assemble.)
Velcro, a young single mum, is making her way back to the

launderette where she works.
Music No. 1 OLD COMPTON STREET

Velcro
JOIN THE PARTY ON OLD COMPTON STREET
FEEL THE PAVEMENT THROB BENEATH YOUR FEET
TAKE A SEAT, WATCH THE SHOW
NOTHINGS NORMAL ON OLD COMPTON STREET
DRESS INFORMAL AS YOU JUMP ABOARD, STEP INSIDE
URGES WILL BE SATISFIED
HERE WHERE LIFE IS SWEET
OLD COMPTON STREET
Ensemble Solo Girl
LIFES A CIRCUS ON OLD COMPTON STREET
PUNKS AND ROCKERS AND THE RICH ELITE
DRINK AND EAT, SIDE BY SIDE
Act One
Two Girls & One Boy

FUNS CONTAGIOUS ON OLD COMPTON STREET
ITS OUTRAGEOUS
THERE ARE BOYS FOR BOYS
BOYS FOR GIRLS
BOYS FOR OLD MEN WEARING PEARLS
All Ensemble
NO-ONES OBSOLETE
OLD COMPTON STREET
Narrator
(Out front.) Elsewhere, Velcros best friend, Robbie, emerges

from the doorway of a posh restaurant.
Robbie
That was lovely.
Lord Bellingham Are you sure you wont come for a drink?
Robbie
Sorry, Ive got to get to work.
Lord Bellingham Peoples washing can wait.

Robbie
Yeah, but my rent wont.
Lord Bellingham Let me help you out.

(He produces a wad of banknotes from his pocket.)
Robbie
George, please you just bought me dinner.
Lord Bellingham It gives me pleasure. Will you allow me that?

Robbie (Reluctantly.) Thank you.
Lord Bellingham So, when will I see you?
Robbie
Youve got my number. Just call.
(Lord Bellingham kisses Robbie on the cheek. Robbie make his

way towards the launderette.)
Lord Bellingham (Under his breath.) Oh, Robbie.
Soho Cinders
Robbie (with Ensemble hums)

WITHIN THIS MELTING POT
SOME HAVE AND SOME HAVE NOT
A PIZZA BASE YOU STUMBLE UPON
WITH EVERYTHING ON
All
EVERY FLAVOUR
Robbie & Ensemble
TRY A SLICE OF LIFE OLD COMPTON STREET
SEE THE FLIES THAT SWARM AROUND THE MEAT
TRICK OR TREAT
All
WHO CAN SAY?
Narrator
In the flat above the launderette, Dana and Clodagh appear in

a window. They are sisters. They are ugly . . .
(Clodagh and Dana start throwing Robbies possessions out of

the window.)
Robbie
Hey, hey . . . what are you doing?
Clodagh Heads!
(She drops a cardboard box.)
Robbie
Thats my stuff.
(Robbie starts searching in the box.)
Dana
Weve changed the locks. Youre evicted.
Robbie
But its my flat. Wheres Mum?
Dana
Just on her way down.
(Dana produces an urn containing Robbies mothers ashes.)
Act One
Dana Heads!
Robbie
Dont you dare! Lucky me having stepsisters like you. Twins.

Not identical but equally unpleasant. You cant do this?
Clodagh
We just have. And were getting it fumigated. We dont want to

catch gay.
Dana
And thats not all. When Dad gets out of prison he wants the
launderette back too.
Clodagh
But until then youve got to keep paying.
Dana
Ooh, what was that?
Clodagh What?
Dana
I just felt the rent creeping up.
Robbie
But the launderette was Mums.
Clodagh
Yes it was. But its not anymore is it? (To the urn.) Because silly
Mummy didnt leave a will, or had you forgotten?
Dana
Hed forget his balls if they werent in a bag. Heads!
(She drops the urn into Robbies outstretched hands.)

Clodagh & Dana
PICK YOUR POISON ON OLD COMPTON STREET
GIRLS AND BOYS ON SHOW AND GAY OR STRAIGHT OR STILL UNSURE
EVERY TASTE IS CATERED FOR
All
HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEET
OLD COMPTON STREET
Narrator
Theres a commotion outside The Prince Edward Theatre

where Adele Darzeen is starring in Frozen 5 the Frigid
Fanny. James Prince, a London Mayoral candidate, and his
fiance Marilyn Platt arrive at the theatre.
Soho Cinders
William
Here they are, right on cue.
Sasha (As Big Issue Seller.) Big Issue. Big Issue.

(William, the Mayoral campaign manager approaches the Big
Issue Seller and moves her into a doorway.)
William
Here might be a better position.
(A Press Photographer squeezes past.)

Sasha (As Big Issue Seller.) Big Issue, Big Issue.

(William deliberately steers James towards the Big Issue Seller.)
James
Damn. I havent got any change. But heres a fiver.
(A camera flashes as the Press Photographer gets his picture.

James and Marilyn enter the theatre with a parting wave to the
crowd.)
William
Job done.
Crowd
WE LOVE TO SPOT CELEBRITIES
AND NOBODY CAN BLAME US
THOUGH ALL TOO OFTEN WE FORGET
THE REASON WHY THEYRE FAMOUS
BUT ROLLING THE RED CARPET OUT
IS BOUND TO CAUSE A BUZZ
AND THEN WE STOP AND RUBBERNECK
COS EVERYBODY DOES
All
CATCH THE RHYTHM OF OLD COMPTON STREET
WHERE THE BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS TURN UP THE HEAT
POUND THE BEAT, NO HOLDS BARRED
Robbie (with Ensemble hums)
ALL CITIES HAVE THE SAME
ONE STREET THAT KNOWS NO SHAME
Act One
A BRIGHT FACADE WHOSE SURFACE IS THIN

BUT HARD AS A NAIL
All
SCRATCH IT AND SNIFF
BUT NEVER INHALE
HEADS ARE TURNING ON OLD COMPTON STREET
Velcro
OLD COMPTON STREET
All
EARS ARE BURNING WHILE THE ENDLESS STREAM PASSES BY
RAINBOW FLAGS ARE FLYING HIGH
TRY A SLICE OF LIFE,
Sidesaddle / Velcro
TRY A SLICE OF LIFE,
All
EVERY VICE IS RIFE
Sidesaddle / Velcro
EVERY VICE IS RIFE
All
HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEET
OLD COMPTON STREET
SCENE TWO Inside Sit and Spin

Narrator
Velcro is working in the launderette, Sit and Spin. Surrounded

by stacked washing machines and tumble dryers she multitasks folding clothes whilst chatting to her friend, a
Westminster bike rental manager known affectionately as
"Sidesaddle".
(Velcro holds up a tiny item of childs clothing.)
Velcro
Ah, thats so sweet.
Soho Cinders
Sidesaddle
Sweet but expensive. They grow out of them so quick.
Velcro
Seems like only yesterday Becky was this size. Hey, I could
bring you in some of her old stuff if you dont mind handmedowns.
Sidesaddle
Mind? Id love it. Now how much do I owe you for this lot.
Velcro
Thatll be eight fifty.
(Sidesaddle rummages in her pockets.)
Sidesaddle
Damn, thats going to wipe me out. Im gonna need a couple

more rides in my rickshaw. (Offers her some coins.)
Velcro (Sympathetically.) Oh, Sidesaddle.

Sidesaddle
Can I give you the rest later?
(Robbie enters the launderette carrying a large cardboard box.)
Robbie
Dont worry about it for you its half price.
(Sidesaddle picks up her laundry and kisses Robbie. Robbie

dumps the box on the ground, then exits again.)
Sidesaddle
Thanks, Rob. I owe you. Have they opened Frith Street yet?
Theyd shut the road. By the theatre.
Velcro
Oh for that James Prince! That Mayor guy.
Robbie
(Re-entering with a suitcase.) Hes not Mayor yet. Dyou know,

I used to have a poster of him by my bed, when he was a
swimmer?
Sidesaddle
Lovely. Just imagine waking up next to that. Ill see you later.
(Sidesaddle exits.)
Velcro
Hey whats all this?
Robbie (Collecting another item from outside.) Theyve kicked me out.
Act One
Velcro Who?
Robbie
Dumb and dumber. Can I stay with you for a bit?
Velcro
Course you can. You know how Becky loves you.
Robbie
Just till I get myself sorted.
(He carefully places his mothers urn on a shelf.)

And thats not all. Theyve put the rent up on this place.
Velcro
This whole thing with Les makes me sick. It was your Mums
launderette. It wouldve gone under if it wasnt for us. Of
course shed have left it to you, but . . .
Robbie
. . . the lawyer said theres no Will. So its my step-fathers.

End of.
Velcro
Well they cant just put the rent up.
Robbie
Whos to stop them? And when he gets out of the nick he

wants the whole place back anyway.
Velcro
Great! So where are we gonna go?
Robbie
Well you could go back to Staines.
Velcro
You avin a laugh?
Robbie
There are worse places.
Velcro
I spent half me life trying to get out of Staines, and now here I
am in a launderette trying to get stains out.
Robbie
You dont have to work in Soho.
Velcro
Its the dirtiest place in the world. The sheets that come in here
are so full of bodily fluids I could wring em out and start a
fertility clinic.
Robbie
Mum knew what she was doing when she opened this place.
Soho Cinders
Velcro
I miss her you know. It was so hard when she didnt really
remember me . . . not at the end.
Robbie
She was an angel. Till Les clipped her wings.
Velcro
Well what we need right now is a fairy godmother.
(Robbie takes the cash Bellingham gave him from his pocket.)
Whered you get that money from? You still seeing that guy?
Robbie
Yes and no.
Velcro Which?
Robbie
Its complicated.
Velcro
He must be loaded. Dont screw this one up. Has he got a

brother? Without the gay gene?
Robbie
Dont sound so desperate! Mr. Right will come along someday

Cro. If I was straight Id go out with you like a shot.
Velcro
If Id have you. Nah, aint gonna happen, fag hag to the West
End, thats me. How hard can it be? I just want to settle down.
Robbie
Ditto. We share the same dream. I just want to wake up beside

the same man for the next thirty years.
Music No. 2 WISHING FOR THE NORMAL

Velcro
So do I. Someone to tell me Im doing alright.
Robbie
Someone to tell me when Im being a twat.
Velcro
Youre being a twat.
Robbie
Yeah, but not you.
Velcro
Ive never wanted a lot. Just my own special someone. And a

father for Becky.
Act One
10
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE POURING YOUR CORNFLAKES
LOOKING UP AND SOMEONES THERE
SOMEONE YOU HAVE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT WITH
SOMEONES LIFE YOURE PROUD TO SHARE
HAVENT PUT MY FACE ON
HAVENT DONE MY HAIR
HAVENT HAD TO WORRY
AS ITS HIM STANDING THERE
Robbie
JUST IMAGINE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR
TURNING ROUND AND THERE HE IS
ITS YOUR MAN THE ONE YOU CAME IN WITH
THREE YEARS ON, YOUR HAND IN HIS
LIVING IN A SEMI
MAYBE HAVE A CAT
NOTHING THATS TOO FANCY
TELL ME WHATS WRONG WITH THAT
Both
WISHING FOR THE NORMAL KIND OF DREAM
NOTHING TOO EXCESSIVE OR EXTREME
HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM IS THAT AIMING HIGH?
OTHERS SEEM TO FIND IT
TELL ME WHY ON EARTH CANT I?
TROUBLE IS THEYRE HARDER THAN THEY SEEM
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH?
AM I WISHING FOR TOO MUCH?

(Robbies phone rings. His face lights up.)
Velcro
Who is it?
Robbie
Its him! Hello . . .
Velcro
Ask about the brother.
Soho Cinders
Robbie
Shush! No not you. Im just at work. Yeah sure. Id love to.

Usual time. By the lions. Alright. Go. Go . . .
(Robbie hangs up.)
Velcro
By the lions! What is he a zoo keeper?
Robbie
Cro, Leave it.
Velcro
I never knew zookeepers earned that much.
Robbie
Youll meet him when the time is right.
Velcro
Feeding time?
Robbie
Cro! Leave it!
Velcro
You really like him dont you?
Robbie
Yes. I really like him. Its just so hard.
Velcro
Spare me the details!
Robbie
I mean its hard to get together. Hes so busy its texts. Its
Skype. Then when I do see him, I just want more . . .
JUST IMAGINE COOKING LASAGNE

LIKE THOSE ADVERTS ON TV
Velcro
SITTING ON OUR FAKE-LEATHER SOFA
BABIES BOUNCING ON MY KNEE
Robbie
LIVING WITHIN REASON
LOVING WHEN I CAN
FEELING I AM SOMEONE NOT SOME SAD ALSO RAN
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE MOWING THE LAWN
Robbie
JUST IMAGINE POPPING SOME CORN
11
12
Act One
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE BREAKFAST IN BED
Robbie
JUST IMAGINE OWNING A SHED
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE DOING THE SCHOOL RUN
Robbie
GOING FOR PICNICS
Velcro
KEEPING A GOLDISH
Both
WISHING WISHING
TELL ME WHY OH WHY OH WHY CANT I?
Velcro
GOING TO A NIGHTCLUB
CINEMAS AND SUCH
Robbie
EATING IN NICE RESTAURANTS
HAPPY TO GO DUTCH
Both
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH?
Robbie
JUST IMAGINE CLEANING THE VOLVO
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE PLANTING A ROSEBUSH
Soho Cinders
13
Robbie
JUST IMAGINE HAVING A MORTGAGE
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE KEEPING A GOLDFISH
Robbie
A goldfish?
Velcro
Yeah. I won one once. At a funfair. Throwing ping pong balls in

a jam jar.
Robbie
You saddo.
Music No. 2 WISHING FOR THE NORMAL SCENE CHANGE
SCENE THREE James Princes campaign headquarters

Narrator
The campaign headquarters of James Prince is a hive of

activity, and above the madness James campaign manager, the
tyrannical William George, holds court. William and Sasha are
reading a paper.
William
Not a bad piece on page 5 The Prince And The Pauper. I

love that Editor last week I threatened to chop his balls off,
this week were picking out curtains together in Laura Ashley.
(James and Marilyn enter carrying a copy of the same paper.)
James
Dont I look a bit smug?
(James then notices Sasha.)
You! The Big Issue seller?
William
Ah, James, meet my new assistant, Tea.
James Tea?
Sasha
Hi, its Sasha. He calls me Tea . . .
Act One
14
William
Or to give her her full name. Tea, milk and two sugars.
Hyphenated.
Marilyn Unbelievable.
James (Turning on William.) I thought we agreed . . .
William
Look. (Holding up paper.) You. Helping the homeless. Page 5.

Thats all the matters.
James (To William.) Ill have my fiver back!

William (To Sasha.) Give it to him, Tea.
(James gestures to Sasha to forget it.)

Job description is Campaign Manager. Let me manage. I know

what Im doing.
James
If you say so.
William
I dont say so, I know so. I dont think, I do. Page 5 is pretty
good for a piece like that. Now we just have to fill in the pages
in between Marilyn, I dont suppose youd consider a page 3?
Marilyn
Very funny! As if anyone would be interested in my old

carcass.
(Marilyn looks to James expecting him to refute this, but he

doesnt until she prompts him.)
Hey!
James
Well I am.
William
There speaks the politician. Tea. Schedule. Now.
Sasha
William, please. No more. Its Sasha. Youre on the Good

Morning Britain sofa at 9.00am. Then 12 noon London Fire
Brigade.
Soho Cinders
15
William
Good. Hang out with heroes makes you look tough. Ooh, and
therell be a pole. Marilyn pole dancing opp.
Marilyn
Misogynistic, sexist and insulting. You should have a lie down.
William
Tea, fancy a lie down?
Marilyn
Im a lawyer. One word. Tribunal.
Sasha
Im alright.
Marilyn (To James.) Im due in Chambers. Ill see you later.

William (As Marilyn exits.) Think about what we said. Maybe have a
Brazilian.

(Marilyn ignores William and leaves. William calls after her.)
You cant do Page 3 looking like a privet hedge.
James
William, page 5 is all well and good. But what if someone

finds out that the person I was photographed with actually
works for us.
William
Its all publicity.
James
How we run the campaign reflects how we will run City Hall. I
dont want anything to be fake.
William
Youre not doing it. I am. Thats the difference. Its not my job
to keep clean its my job to make sure you are Londons next
Mayor.
James
That poster slogan reflects how I want to run London. With

honesty.
Music No. 3 SPIN

William
James . . .
James
Well talk on the way.
16
Act One
James
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH
PLAIN TALKING THATS WHAT PEOPLE WANT
SINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONED
HIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?
I PROMISED THAT ID PLAY IT STRAIGHT
BUZZ WORDS WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT
I INTEND TO WIN THE RACE IN MY OWN WAY
William
They all think they can do it on their own.
James
HOW CAN YOU GIVE WAY TO LIES AND SLEAZE?
I ASK YOU WHAT IS THERE TO GAIN?
AND WHO MADE ARROGANCE A JOB REQUIREMENT
FOR THE PUBLIC SERVANTS WE ELECT?
WHO THINK THAT ONCE IN CITY HALL
SOMEHOW THEYRE ABOVE IT ALL
I THINK LONDONERS DESERVE FAR MORE RESPECT
William
AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOX
YOU MAY BE THE OARSMAN BUT REMEMBER IM THE COX
ILL STEER YOU TO VICTRY
THROUGH ALL THE BIG DEBATES
DOWN STREAM
THAT DREAM OFFICE AWAITS
Sasha & Office Workers
SPIN
SPIN OUT OF CONTROL
SIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOUL
SPIN
DOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAY
SPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAY
Narrator
With that, and a modicum of tastefully applied make-up for

the cameras, James is off to the TV studios for another round
Soho Cinders
17
of gruelling interviews from a variety of forgettable presenters

sitting on an array of tasteless sofas which go some way to
explain why DFS has a sale on every day of the year.
James
HOW CAN YOU CONDONE TURNING BLIND EYES?
I PROMISE MINE WILL LOOK AHEAD
AND WHEN WAS AVARICE DECREED AN ART FORM?
ILL ENSURE CORRUPTION IS STAMPED OUT
BUT ISSUES LIKE THESE HAVE TO WAIT
VOTERS MUST FIRST CHOSE MY FATE
BUT AS MAYOR OF LONDON WILL I HAVE THE CLOUT?
William
AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOX
CREATE OPPORTUNITY, DONT WAIT UNTIL IT KNOCKS
WERE BUILDING YOUR PROFILE
ENHANCE IT IN THE PRESS
GREAT QUOTES
EARN VOTES, INSTANT SUCCESS
Ensemble
SPIN
SPIN AT EVERY TURN
COMMON DECENCY CAN CRASH AND BURN
SPIN
KEEP THAT IMAGE CLEAN AND SLICK
MAKE SURE THAT THE DIRT CANT STICK . . .
Narrator
William receives a phone call from one of the main sponsors

of the Mayoral campaign, industry tycoon Lord Bellingham.
(William takes a call on his mobile.)
Lord Bellingham William, Im looking at this guest list. This fundraiser is not just
about you squeezing money out of people, its about having
the right people there who you can squeeze in the future.
William
And . . .
Act One
18
Lord Bellingham And you and I may not share the same idea about who is
the right sort of person. My money, my office, my guest list.
Agreed?
William Agreed.
Lord Bellingham Last push before the nominations close. The people at this do
could make or break this campaign.
William & Ensemble
SPIN
SPIN OUT OF CONTROL
SIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOUL
SPIN
DOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAY
SELL YOUR SOUL, ITS GONNA PAY
SPIN A WEB FOR IN A WEB THE SPIDER WILL ENSNARE HIS PREY
William
Ensemble
SPIN, SPIN, SPIN
(Its the end of day, James goes to leave.)
William
Oy, its not a 9 to 5, where do you think youre going? Photo

shoot.
James
Shit. Alright Ill be there. Give me a minute.
(William stands there.)
. . . Alone!
(William exits. James takes out his mobile and dials.)
(Into phone.) Hi. Its me. Look. Really sorry. Im going to be

late. Just text me back to say youre okay, okay? Ah, too many
okays. Look just text me.
Soho Cinders
19
SCENE FOUR Beside a lions paw in Trafalgar Square

Narrator
It is 9pm. The crowds and the pigeons in Trafalgar Square have

begun to disperse. Nelson and his four lions stand proudly,
guarding the entrance to the Mall. Robbie is found beside one
of the lions paws.
(Having just listened to a phone message Robbie starts to write

a text.)
Music No. 4 GYPSIES OF THE ETHER

Robbie
DOESNT IT SEEM STRANGE
TALKING IN THIS WAY
GYPSIES OF THE ETHER
TYPING WHAT WE SAY
SECRETIVE LIAISONS
FLIRTING ON THE SCREEN
BUILDING UP A PICTURE
IN WHICH NO-ONE CAN BE SEEN
BOLD ENOUGH TO SHARE MY INNER THOUGHTS AND WHAT I FEEL
SAFELY IN THE KNOWLEDGE I CAN CHOOSE JUST HOW MUCH I REVEAL
(We see a crowd of people in the Square. Our attention is
drawn to Lord Bellingham as he crosses. He is on the phone.)
Robbie
YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGER
YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND
TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY
AND THE MESSAGES WE SEND

(Robbie slumps dejectedly against a lions paw. We hear (but

dont see) another voice start to sing.)
James
NOBODY GETS HURT
MEETING IN THIS PLACE
WANDERERS IN SPACE
Act One
20
(As the crowd parts, James Prince is revealed in casual clothes.

He is wearing a hoodie with the hood up whilst typing on an
iPad . . . )
James
KEEPING OURSELVES HIDDEN
SAFE BEHIND THE FONT
FREE OF INHIBITION
WE CAN BE JUST WHO WE WANT
MAYBE FOR A MOMENT I BELIEVE THIS FANTASY
SOMEONE IN THE ABSTRACT I CREATE BUT IN LIFE I CANT BE
TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAYS
(Having now made eye contact with one another, James and
Robbie are clearly waiting for the last of the crowd to leave
before approaching one another.)
Both
AND THE MESSAGES
AND THE MESSAGES
(The underscore crescendos as Robbie runs into James arms.
They kiss.)
Both
MEETING IN THIS WAY
James
A week without you seems like forever.
Robbie
Well, a weeks a long time in politics. So, how long do you

have?
Soho Cinders
21
James Now?
Robbie
No, before you die! Of course now.
James
This is just a quick hello.
Robbie
Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. Anyone would think you were

running for Mayor. I just want to . . . squdge you.
James Squdge?
Robbie
Wendy does it to Peter Pan.
James
Oh that is gay.
Robbie
I thought you didnt like that word.
James
I dont like labels.
(Robbies phone rings.)
Dont answer it.
Robbie
Like you wouldnt.
(Robbie takes the call.)
Cro, you know I cant talk now . . . not another one. Okay, Ill
sort it.
(He hangs up.)

(To James.) Sorry, its a work thing.
James
Hows that going?
Robbie
Ugh, not good. Another machines gone down. Thats gonna

cost.
James
I can always help.
Robbie
I dont want your money.
Act One
22
James (Slightly taken aback.) Okay, I was just . . .

Robbie
Leave it.
(James phone rings.)
(Mimicking James.) Dont answer it.

(James gives him a look but answers the phone.)
James
Hello Darling . . . just getting some air . . . oh, okay . . . no, I

havent eaten . . . sorry, not distracted I was just deep in (Looks
at Robbie who mimes a loveheart.) . . . thought. Chinese? . . .
Ill pick it up. Thirty minutes.
Robbie
The Leader of the Opposition. Hows that going? I can always

help . . .
Music No. 4a GYPSIES OF THE ETHER TAG

James
Oh, Robbie. (Beat.) Look, you heard . . .
(James hugs Robbie.)
Robbie (Breaking the hug.) Youve got to go.

James
Couple of days?
Robbie
Couple of days. Go.
James
James & Robbie
James
AND THE MESSAGES
Robbie
AND THE MESSAGES
Soho Cinders
23
Both
AND THE MESSAGES
WE SEND
SCENE FIVE Inside "Glam-Amour"

Narrator
Clodagh and Dana are discovered inside Glam-Amour, the

strip club they run next door to Robbies launderette. Having
returned from a night out on what I understand is known
as the lash, they are removing what I also understand are
known as their lashminas. In the garish light of day they look
particularly unglamorous.
Clodagh
Did you hear that?
Dana What?
Clodagh (Referring to the Narrator.) Im hearing voices.
Dana What?
Clodagh
Some posh git. Probably queer.
Narrator
But filthy rich and rather well-endowed.
Dana Whatever.
Clodagh
Eurgh! Ive got a tongue like Ghandis flip flop. I need a drink.
Dana
Look at the state of this place.
Clodagh
Yeah, but when Les is out well get the launderette. Planning
permission will be no prob. We can knock through. Expand.
Go up market.
Dana
Its a strip club.
Clodagh
Alright down market, but bigger.
Dana
Youve gotta dream avent you? Anyways. Last night. Howd

you get on? I saw you nearly had his tonsils out.
Act One
24
Clodagh
I thought Id found it. I thought Id found it. Everything weve

been looking for in a bloke.
Dana
What well hung and mute?
Clodagh
Not exactly but I tell you, I thought this was it.
Dana Well?
Clodagh Married.
Dana Bastard.
Clodagh
He gave me this whole sob story about his wife being in a

wheelchair and he wasnt getting any. So he says, shes away
and would I like to go back to his place. Not been there five
minutes when I hear a car pull up.
Dana
The spazzy wife?
Clodagh
Exactly. "My wife!" he goes. I said, "I thought she was away?"
He says. "She was." Then I hear footsteps, not wheels, on the
front path.
Dana Unbelievable.
Clodagh
So I says, "I thought she was in a wheelchair, wheres she been

frigging Lourdes?" Next thing, Im being bundled out of the
back door and had to find a cab home.
Dana
Youre like a bowling ball, you.
Clodagh
Bowling ball?
Dana
Yeah, picked up, fingered, thrown back down the alley.
Music No. 5 IM SO OVER MEN

Clodagh
I tell you, Im getting too old for this game. Too many
disappointments.
Dana
Maybe we should give em up altogether.
Soho Cinders
(During the course of the song Dana and Clodagh collect up

an unlikely load of laundry: G-strings, boob tubes, suspender
belts, sequin vests etc. They place them all in JD Sports bag.)
Dana
I WISH THEYD INVENT A NICORETTE PATCH
TO HELP ME GIVE UP MEN
JUST SLAP IT ON
YOUR CRAVINGS ARE GONE
BUT HOW WOULD I FILL MY DAYS THEN?
ITS ALWAYS THE WRONG MR RIGHT
WHO SUDDENLY LANDS IN MY LAP
THEYRE SHITS WHO PASS IN THE NIGHT
FALLING IN LOVE IS CRAP
A LOAD OF OLD BULL
FAREWELL TO NIGHTS ON THE PULL
IM SO OVER MEN
I DONT NEED A GUY
AND AS FOR THE SEX
THERES ALWAYS DIY
SOME SEEM HOT TILL THE RUMPY PUMP STARTS
THEN THEYRE NOT WORTH THE SUM OF THEIR PARTS
LIE ON YOUR BACK
TRY LOOKING IMPRESSED
FAKE IT AND SCREAM "YOURE THE BEST"
IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN
IM SO OVER MEN
Clodagh
I WISH I COULD JOIN AN ANONYMOUS GROUP
REHAB TO GIVE UP MEN
JUST SAY YOUR NAME
FACE UP TO THE SHAME
CONFESS YOUVE BEEN SHAGGING AGAIN
THEN MAYBE ILL FIND I HAVE STRENGTHS
AWAY FROM THE RAGES AND RANTS
25
Act One
26
OF GUYS WHO DONT GO TO GREAT LENGTHS

FALLING IN LOVE IS PANTS
FROM NOW ON ITS CLEAR
ILL HAVE A SOLO CAREER
IM SO OVER MEN
BRAGGING THEYRE TOP NOTCH
TALKING THROUGH THEIR ARSE
THINKING WITH THEIR CROTCH
HOW I DREAD EACH FAMILIAR SIGN
FARTS IN BED THAT I KNOW ARE NOT MINE
THE TOILET SEATS UP
THERES PUBES ON THE SOAP
AS FOR ROMANCE NOT A HOPE
IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN IM SO OVER MEN

(Robbie passes the doorway to Glam-Amour and they spot him.

They thrust the laundry in his face.)
Clodagh
Ah, Robbie Shitty Shirtlifter just in time. Service wash. Low

temperature.
Dana
Thats quality schmutter, that is. Dont shrink it.
Robbie
(Picking a G-string from the bag.) I think somebody already did.

And seeing as how you want Mums launderette so much, do it
yourself.
(Robbie throws the bag back at them.)
Clodagh
I dont know why Dad didnt just kick you out when your Mum
died. Youre like a milestone around his neck.
Robbie
Its millstone. And Les is no father of mine.
Clodagh
Whatever. Point is you and the scrubber aint got long.
Dana
Basically . . .
Clodagh
At the end of the day . . .
Soho Cinders
Dana
Im not being funny . . .
Clodagh
Or nuffin . . .
Both
Sling your hook.
(Dana throws a thong at Robbie, who exits.)
Dana
IF THEY HAD A JAB
ID GIVE IT A STAB
TO MAKE ME IMMUNE TO MEN
Clodagh
PAINLESS AND QUICK
JUST ONE LITTLE PRICK
Both
INSTEAD OF THE USUAL TEN!
(They laugh raucously.)
IM SO OVER MEN
SPECIALLY WHEN THEYRE PISSED
THOSE WHOVE TURNED US DOWN
DONT KNOW WHAT THEYVE MISSED
Clodagh
ACT LIKE ICE BUT THEN TRY NOT TO MELT
Dana
MY ADVICE WEAR A CHASTITY BELT
Clodagh
NO FOOTBALL TO WATCH
FAGS IN THE SINK
Y-FRONTS TO WASH I DONT THINK SO
Dana
COLD PIZZA CRUSTS AND BEER CANS TO CHUCK
DO WE MISS THEM?
27
28
Act One
Both
DO WE FUCK!
IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN
IM SO OVER MEN
Dana
NO MORE PREGNANCY TESTS
NO MORE NEED FOR PRECAUTIONS
Clodagh
NO MORE OVERNIGHT GUESTS
NO MORE GETTING SMALL PORTIONS
Dana
NO MORE "IM GOING BALD"
NO MORE LOVE BITES NEED HIDING
Clodagh
NO MORE "MY WIFE JUST CALLED"
NO MORE HANDS THAT NEED GUIDING
Both
NO MORE "CANT WE BE FRIENDS?"
NO MORE "FIRST MEET MY MOTHER"
NO MORE "HERES WHERE IT ENDS"
NO MORE "MADE FOR EACH OTHER
IVE SAID IT BEFORE AND ILL SAY IT AGAIN IM SO OVER MEN
Narrator
William George and Sasha are out on the campaign trail in

Soho.
William (To Sasha.) Relax. Its just selling, but youre selling a candidate.
Now come on, lets see the confident posture.

(Clodagh and Dana are exiting Glam-Amour.)
Sasha
I find it hard to . . .
William
Buttocks in, chest out.
Sasha
William, I dont think that . . .
Soho Cinders
29
William
Its not for them. For me.
(William slaps Sasha on the bottom.)
William
Good girl. Now, just watch and learn. (To Clodagh and Dana.)
Hello, ladies.
(Clodagh and Dana dont react. William tries again . . . )
Ladies?
Clodagh
Who . . . us?
Sasha
We were wondering if you were thinking of voting?
Clodagh
For what?
William
For Londons Mayor.
Dana (To William.) Ooh, and what do you have to offer a single girl
thats gonna make her put a kiss in your box?
William
Its not my box, unfortunately. Were canvassing for James

Prince.
(He hands the girls a leaflet.)

Dana Cute!
Clodagh
I love an upstanding member.
(Williams phone rings.)
William
Excuse me I must take this. Sasha, youre on your own.
Dana
You ever been in a titty bar?
Sasha
Er, no!
Clodagh
Well nows your chance, come on. Just dont touch the seats,
theyre still wet.
Act One
30
(As they disappear inside, Lord Bellingham appears in a

spotlight.)
William
Lord Bellingham, how are you?
Lord Bellingham Ive been happier. Cutting to the chase, William. Youve
screwed up.
William
In what way?
Lord Bellingham Reach inside your cheap, shiny Primark suit and take out the
fundraising invitation.
William
The invitation?
Lord Bellingham Now read it. Notice anything? Anything . . . missing?

William
Date. Time. Venue.
Lord Bellingham Sponsor?

William
Oh, Christ.
Lord Bellingham Well, you could say that. No sponsor, no money. No money,
no party. You see how it works? William?
William
Yes, I see.
Lord Bellingham Reprint them.

William
Sending new invitations will just underline our . . . error.
Lord Bellingham Our error? Your error. Since you did manage to at least include
my address on the invitations I assume you wish the event to
be held here, as planned?
William
Well yes, of course . . . if . . .
Lord Bellingham I hope your candidate runs London better than you run his
campaign.
William
Im sorry . . . I just . . .
Soho Cinders
31
Lord Bellingham Thats all.

(Lord Bellingham hangs up.)
William
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Sasha, back to the office.
(Sasha is happy to escape from the clutches of the sisters.)
Youve screwed up on the party invites. Lord Bollocks names

not on it.
(Sasha takes an invitation out of her pocket too.)
Clodagh
Bollocks? Party? Sounds like a night out.
William
Give me that.
(He grabs the invitation from Sasha and tosses both of them
away.)

Come on.
Dana (To William.) I thought you were going to show me your . . .

manly festo.

(William and Sasha leave.)
You had me at hello.
(Clodagh picks up the invitations.)
Clodagh
James Prince requests the pleasure of your company . . .

then his wish shall be granted. Fancy a night out? A proper
night out.
Dana
But hes got a fiance, hasnt he?
Clodagh
Since when did that stop you?
Dana
Oh no, we cant.
Clodagh
Oh yes we can.
Act One
32
Both
Oh yes we will.
Music No. 5a IM SO OVER MEN REPRISE

Dana
YOURE ALL OVER MEN
LIKE SOME FLAMING RASH
Clodagh
NEVER HAD A MAYOR
FIT WITH LOADS OF CASH
Both
ONE LAST FLING THEN WELL CALL IT A DAY
BUY SOME BLING AND THEN HAVE IT AWAY
THIS MIGHT BE THE ONE
GIVE LOVE A CHANCE
GO TO HIS PARTY
HAVE A DANCE
TODAY CITY HALL
AND, IN TIME, NUMBER TEN
IM SO OVER MEN
OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER
IM GONNA GET MY LEG OVER . . . MEN!
SCENE SIX James Princes home that evening

Narrator
It is 11pm. After an exhausting days campaigning, James is still

working in his study at home.
Marilyn
Theyll be lucky to have you.
(James is caught offguard, unaware that she has been watching

him.)
James Who?
Marilyn
London, of course. Who did you think I meant?
James
Sorry, I was . . . elsewhere.
Soho Cinders
(Marilyn crosses to him.)
Marilyn
Youre working too hard. Lets go up.
James
Marilyn . . .
33
Marilyn What?
James
I couldnt do this without you.
Marilyn
I know . . .
James
And I need you . . .
Marilyn
I know . . .
James
And Im sorry.
Marilyn
For what?
James
Well . . . it wont always be like this.
Marilyn
Yes it will, and itll probably get worse. If you get in.
James
And if I dont?
Marilyn
Itll be something else. You cant change and I cant change

you.
James Ah!
Marilyn
It was just the same at university it was the debating society,

Amnesty International, the free knitting patterns for arthritic
pensioners campaign . . .
James
That bad, huh?
Marilyn
That bad.
Music No. 6 REMEMBER US

But that was the deal. Remember?
Act One
34
James
Yes, I do. It seems like a lifetime ago.
Marilyn
REMEMBER WHEN
OUR HEADS WERE FULL OF BIG IDEALS
REMEMBER THEN
James
I DONT REMEMBER HOW THAT FEELS
BUT WHEN YOURE YOUNG
THEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHINGS A PLUS
REMEMBER WHEN
Marilyn
REMEMBER . . . THEN
REMEMBER US
REMEMBER WHEN
YOU DREAMT YOUD BE LIKE ROBIN HOOD
REMEMBER THEN
James
I KNOW NOT ALL OF IT WAS GOOD
Marilyn
WED TALK FOR HOURS
SOME . . . BIG WORLD CRISIS TO DISCUSS
REMEMBER WHEN
James
REMEMBER . . . THEN
REMEMBER US
Marilyn
STRANGE THAT YOU AND I
NEVER HAVE TO TRY SOMEHOW WE MUDDLE THROUGH
James
NO DENYING IT
YOU JUST SEEM TO FIT LIKE AN OLD COMFY SHOE
Marilyn
SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS
Soho Cinders
James
BUT THE BEST ARSE
IN YOUR WHOLE CLASS OF NERDS
Marilyn
Hey!
REMEMBER WHEN
YOU GREW A MULLET GLAD THATS GONE
James
IT WAS THIS LONG
Marilyn
REMEMBER THEN
YOU SAID THAT EMAIL WONT CATCH ON
James
SO I WAS WRONG
YOUR MOBILE PHONE
Marilyn
MY MOBILE PHONE
Both
YES IT WAS BIGGER THAN A BUS
James
THE SIGNAL WAS RUBBISH
Both
REMEMBER WHEN
REMEMBER . . . THEN
REMEMBER US
LOOK AT US DOT COM
EVERY DOUBTING TOM SAID THAT WED NEVER LAST
James
STILL IM STUCK ON YOU
Marilyn
IM YOUR COMFY SHOE YOURE MY ELASTOPLAST
35
Act One
36
Both
WE GO HAND IN GLOVE
AND STILL WE SEEM
THE PERFECT TEAM IN LOVE
(Instrumental.)
Marilyn
SO MANY YEARS
James
LAUGHTER AND TEARS
Marilyn
James
Both
THEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHINGS A PLUS
Marilyn
REMEMBER WHEN

Now come to bed . . .
James
REMEMBER THEN
Marilyn
Its been a while.
Both
REMEMBER US
James
One more email and Ill be up. Promise.
(Marilyn closes James laptop. He sighs, realising resistance is

futile.)
Soho Cinders
37
SCENE SEVEN Two days later in the Laundrette

Narrator
Two days later, back in the launderette, Robbie and Velcro

have been chewing the fat rather an unpalatable expression
for the calorie counters amongst us.
(Velcro is holding one of James Princes campaign leaflets.)
Velcro
Shame hes in a suit. I bet hed get more votes if he was still in
his speedos.
Robbie
Then where would he pin his rosette?
Velcro
Right on his policy package.
(Clodagh and Dana enter the launderette.)
Clodagh
Tick, tock, tick, tock . . .
Dana
Do that thing, you know . . .
(She makes her arm look like the big hand on TVs
Countdown clock. Clodagh obliges by singing the
Countdown clock music.

Clodagh sings the theme tune. Dana waits for the final Boo
of the theme tune, then realises Clodagh is waiting for her to
provide it.)
Dana
. . . BOO! I love it when you do that.
Velcro
Little things . . .
Robbie
What do you want?
Clodagh
Splash the cash!
Dana
Show the dough.
Clodagh
Spill the lolly . . .
Both Dolly.
Act One
38
Robbie
Here yare.
(Robbie hands Dana the cash that we saw him put away in the
first scene after accepting it from Lord Bellingham.)
Dana
How much?
Robbie
Five hundred, the usual.
Clodagh
Three words, not en-ough.
Robbie
Thats syllables not words.
Dana
Alright Carol sodding Vorderman, thats the old rate. We told

you its gone up.
Robbie
Youll have to give me a bit longer.
Clodagh
Twenty-four hours.
Dana
Twelve otherwise were changing the locks on this place too.
Clodagh (To Velcro.) Youre wasting your time love, hes a knob jockey.
(The sisters exit.)
Robbie
Great, thats all we need.
Velcro
What are you gonna do?
Robbie
I dunno. What can I do?
Velcro
Sell your body.
Robbie
Very funny.
Velcro
No, on second thoughts you wont get that much.
(Robbies phone rings.)
Robbie Hi.
(We see James elsewhere in a spotlight.)
Soho Cinders
39
James
Hi its me, I just wanted to hear your voice. Ive only got a
minute. Im sorry.
Robbie
You dont have to apologise. I get it. Im glad you called. When
can I see you? If it helps Im free tonight. Or tomorrow night?
(Velcro mimes kisses and love hearts. Robbie shoos her away.)
James
Argh! Id love to but Ive got this thing tonight and a fundraiser
tomorrow. But the next available moment, I swear . . .
Robbie
Look. You know where I am, and you know I want to see you.
You just need to let me know when. No pressure. Just make it
soon!
James
I must go. Ill call you later if I can.
Robbie Bye.

(Robbie puts the phone down.)
Velcro
That was SO gooey! Ive never seen you like it. Its like youve
been abducted by aliens, and they sent back this . . . Andrex
puppy. Tell me his name.
Robbie
I cant. Its complicated. All I can say is he makes me smile . . .

on the inside. Is that love?
Velcro
I dunno its been a long time. I cant remember.
(Sidesaddle enters with a large bouquet of flowers.)

Robbie (Seeing the flowers.) Oh Sidesaddle, you shouldnt have done
that, I told its half price at least until you can afford more.
Sidesaddle
Sort of embarrassing, theyre not from me, I just took them off
the delivery guy. Is my washing ready?
Robbie
Yeah, just done it.
Sidesaddle
Who are they from then?
40
Velcro
Act One
His new boyfriend, but dont ask his name cos he wont tell
you.
Robbie (Opening a card attached to the flowers.) I dont know. I dont

know why anyone would . . . oh . . .

(Robbie pulls a wadge of bank notes from the envelope.)
Velcro
Jesus Christ, Robbie. Whats he sending you money for? Youre

not really selling your body, are you?
Robbie (Slightly dazed.) Course not.

Velcro
How much is there?
Music No. 6a OLD COMPTON STREET REPRISE

Robbie
I . . . dunno. You count it.
(Velcro counts the money as Robbie reads the card. Elsewhere

Lord Bellingham appears in a spotlight.)
Lord Bellingham
ID LIKE TO HAVE YOU HERE WITH ME
I THINK WERE QUITE WELL-SUITED
ITS HIGH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP
BECAME FAR LESS DILUTED
AND NO-ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH
THE WAY IN WHICH WE MET
THE SORDID LITTLE DETAILS
IN TIME WE CAN FORGET
Lord Bellingham Robbie, I hope I havent misjudged our situation, but the time
we spend together is the highlight of any week. Id like more
of it and my hope is that you would too. Im hosting an event
tomorrow night at the office and Id like you to join me. Its a
black tie affair and, as it will be a late night, Id like you to stay
over. Ive taken the liberty of informing Prada in Sloane Street
to expect you. Its all on account. Just choose something nice.
The enclosed is a little something for you.
Soho Cinders
41
(As Robbie closes the card and keeps its contents from Velcro,
our focus stays with Lord Bellingham.)
Lord Bellingham
I CANT BEAR YOU ON OLD COMPTON STREET
I WONT SHARE YOU SO I THINK A CHANGE WORTH A TRY
I DONT RENT WHAT I CAN BUY
THERE ARE WAYS TO BEAT
OLD COMPTON STREET

(Robbie is panic stricken.)
Velcro
Theres a thousand pounds . . . (Theres no reaction.) . . . he

must really love you.
Robbie
Yeah . . . thats what worries me. Give it here.
(Velcro hands Robbie the money which he starts to put back in

the envelope.)
Velcro
What are you doing?
Robbie
Im sending it back. With the flowers.
Velcro
Robbie, whats going on? You just spoke to him on the phone
and lit up like the Blackpool illuminations. Now youre playing
hard to get.
Robbie
Its not from him. (Pause.) Sidesaddle, can you give us a

minute?
Sidesaddle
I can give you all night Im off home. Laters.
(Sidesaddle exits.)
Velcro
And . . .
Robbie
Im seeing this guy.
Velcro
I know you are.
Robbie
Well, Im not . . . Im sort of seeing two guys.
Act One
42
Velcro What?
Robbie
Well Im not, but I am.
Velcro
Youre not making any sense, Robbie. Are you on something?
Robbie
Look. Ive been seeing this guy for three months and I think
Ive fallen in love with him. But its complicated.
Velcro
Whats complicated? Hes just sent you a thousand pounds and

a bunch of flowers.
Robbie
No he hasnt. Theyre from someone else.
Velcro Who?
Robbie
An older man. A businessman. A . . . Lord.
Velcro (Incredulous.) A Lord!

Robbie
I met him on a website. Where older rich guys meet younger

. . . less rich guys.
Velcro Robbie!
Robbie
I know, but we needed the money! He took a shine to me and

I went along with it. Drinks, dinners, movies. I was company
for him. But now its turned into wads of cash and flowers and
hes asking me to stay overnight. That feels like prostitution.
Velcro
Well, duh! And, what, has your boyfriend found out.
Robbie
No, nothing like that.
Velcro
So whats the problem? Ditch Lord Sugar Daddy and be with

Prince Charming.
Robbie
Its not as easy as that, you see . . . theres a Princess Charming.
Velcro
Hes married?
Robbie
Fiance.
Soho Cinders
Velcro
Oh Christ, Robbie!
Robbie
And you know him. Well you know of him.
Velcro
I do?
Robbie
Hes kinda famous.
43
Velcro (Trying to work it out.) Famous closet case. Theres so many, I

wouldnt know where to start. (Pause.) Oh Robbie, just give me
his name.

(Robbie holds up the James Prince campaign leaflet.)
Velcro
Oh get real . . .
Robbie
Im serious.
Velcro
James Prince . . . youre not! The Mayor guy. Hes not gay.
Robbie
I can promise you he is, but not publicly. Hes not like any
other guy Ive been with.
Velcro
Robbie, you need to be careful. This has danger written all

over it.
Robbie
I know. I know.
(A Hunky Customer enters with his laundry.)

Velcro
I think number fives free, on the right. (To Robbie in hushed

tones.) You read about things like this. Politicians. Affairs.
Wives. And youre seeing this Lord as well. Im sorry Robbie
but . . .
Robbie
Its under control.
Velcro
Today maybe. But you cant control the press. Now listen
Robbie . . .
Robbie (Raising his voice.) Ive heard you Cro, but . . .

Velcro (Indicating they are not alone.) Shh!
Act One
44
(The Customer turns to them, then continues to load the

machine.)
Robbie (Hushed tones again.) Im not getting rid of the best thing in my
life cos of what might happen tomorrow. Okay?
Velcro
Okay. Okay. Well why doesnt he just come out? No-one

would care.
Robbie
Well his fiancee might.
(The Customer removes his shirt and puts it in the washer.)

Velcro (The reality has sunk in.) I cant believe it. Ive got to get my
gaydar realigned. Gay, straight, bi, married, gay married,
Arthur, Martha, Grindr, Tinder. It does me head in.
Music No. 7 ITS HARD TO TELL
Velcro
Now . . . (Pointing to the Customer just as hes removing his

jeans and placing them in the washer.) take him, for instance.
(Fantasy sequence. During the course of the song it is as if

the launderette has been transformed into a trendy night club
peopled by hot young things, male and female, who appear
from washing machines and behind dryers.)
Velcro
TO ME ITS QUITE CLEAR
HE HAS TO BE QUEER
BUT ILL ADMIT THEYRE GETTING HARDER TO SPOT
UNLESS THEYRE SCREAMING "OUT AND PROUD"
OR SINGING SHOW TUNES WAY TOO LOUD
I WOULDNT LIKE TO SAY WHOS INTO WHAT . . .
ITS HARD TO TELL THE GAY
GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
ITS HARD TO TELL THE PRINCES FROM THE QUEENS
EVERY BAR IN SOHO
THAT ONCE WAS STRICTLY NO GO
NOW FALLS SOMEWHERE BETWIXT
Soho Cinders
WITH A CLIENTELE THATS MIXED

ITS HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
ITS HARD TO TELL THE HOMOS FROM THE HETS
HES HOTTER THAN WASABE
BUT DOES HE LOVE KEN OR BARBIE?
WELL IM NOT PLACING ANY BETS
HEAD TO TOE IN GUCCI ACTING RATHER SMOOCHEY
SEEMS THE TYPE FOR PULLING BIRDS
THEN IN CONVERSATION COMES THE REVELATION
HE IS MINCING MORE THAN JUST HIS WORDS
Robbie
ITS HARD TO TELL THE DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGH
BOTH PLAY CASANOVA
WHICH BOWLS A MAIDEN OVER
THATS FINE FOR TEA AND CHAT
BUT FOR WHICH TEAM DOES HE BAT?
Robbie & Velcro
ITS HARD TO TELL THE ONE IN EVERY TEN
Robbie
SOME LOVE TOPLESS STRIPPERS
OTHERS DREAM OF RUBY SLIPPERS
WELL AINT THAT TYPICAL OF MEN
QUITE THE DISCO BUNNY
TANS WHEN ITS NOT SUNNY
LOOKS AS IF HES WORTH A FLING
Velcro
LOOKS AS IF HES WORTH A FLING
Robbie
JEANS HE HAS TO SQUEEZE ON
ABS YOU COULD GRATE CHEESE ON
THEN YOU SEE HE WEARS A WEDDING RING
45
Act One
46
Velcro
A WEDDING RING
DONT MEAN A THING
Both & Full Ensemble
ITS HARD TO TELL
ITS HARD TO TELL
SCANNING THEIR REFLECTION
FOR THE SLIGHTEST IMPERFECTION
IF WRINKLES DARE TO SHOW
THEY MOISTURIZE THEM SO
ITS HARD TO TELL WHICH WAY THAT THEYRE INCLINED
MAKING SURE THEYRE PRETTY
FOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE CITY
WHERE BOTH HAVE ONE THING ON THEIR MIND
(The song ends in a tableau of bodies.)
Music No. 7a ITS HARD TO TELL FADE
SCENE EIGHT Soho Square 11am the following morning

Narrator
Robbie and Velcro are crashed out on a bench after their night
in Soho assessing the sexual orientation of its inhabitants by
asking them to provide surnames for the following list: Liza,
Chita and Barbra. Not surprisingly, many single gentlemen
scored three out of three.
Velcro
Hey Robbie. Hows the head? I feel like Ive been hit by a
Budweiser truck. One too many vodka shots.
Robbie
I hardly slept a wink. I cant believe Ive got myself into this
mess.
(Robbies phone bleeps with a text message.)
Velcro
Which one is it? Lord Gay or Mayor Not-Quite-Sure?
Robbie Cro.
Soho Cinders
(Robbie read the text message and smiles.)
Velcro
Oh, its the Mayor. Give me that phone.
47
Robbie No.
Velcro
Phone. Now. I know who he is, just give me the phone.
(Robbie hands the phone over. Velcro reads the text message.)
Thinking about you. Cant wait to see you Squidge
Robbie
Its Squdge. Oh Cro, he makes my tummy go. What am I

gonna do? I cant continue with Lord Bellingham, I have to
send him back the money.
Velcro
Robbie, have a brain. A thousand pounds would come in useful,

right? Of course right. So heres what youre gonna do. Youre
going to go and give Trash and Trollop the rent and get them
off our backs. Then, we go to Prada and get you dolled up in
the best tux, and maybe pick up a little something for me.
Robbie
For you?
Velcro
Lets call it a little thank you for all the shit youve put me
through. Agreed? Just nod. Right, then you are going to go
to this swanky party and be sweetness and light with Lord
Whotisname, and after that you are never going to see him
again.
Robbie
Yes, but he wants me to stay the night.
Velcro
And youre going to have every intention of doing so until . . . I

call you at midnight.
Robbie What?
Velcro
Ill phone and say Ive got some emergency. The launderettes
burnt down, Beckys exploded. Use your imagination.
Robbie
And . . .
Act One
48
Velcro
You make your excuses and you come home. That way youve
kept your side of the bargain with his Lordship and youve
stayed faithful to Prince Bisexual.
Robbie
Oh Cro. Im not so sure. You make it sound so simple.
Velcro
Thats cos it is.
(Sidesaddle draws up beside them in her cycle rickshaw.)
Sidesaddle
Hi guys. You alright? Need a ride?
Velcro
Actually, yes we do.
Sidesaddle
Where to?
Velcro
Prada. Sloane Street.
Robbie Cro!
Velcro
Get in, you Muppet!
Sidesaddle
Thats a long way.
Velcro
That aint it. Youve got to wait for us there then take him for a
haircut. Come to think of it, how much till midnight?
Sidesaddle (Off the top of her head.) A hundred quid.

Velcro
Right Robbie, pay her fifty.
(Robbie pulls a fifty pound note from the envelope.)
Sidesaddle Fifty?
Velcro
Half price, remember?
Robbie
You owe me.
Sidesaddle
Fifty it is. Prada, Sloane Street thats a bit upmarket.
Velcro
Hes got a big party tonight, havent you Robbie? Posh do.
Soho Cinders
49
Robbie (Sarcastically.) Yeah, great.

Sidesaddle
You dont sound so keen.
Velcro
Hes warming to the idea, arent you?
Robbie (Unenthusiastically.) Sure.

Velcro
Well, let your face know.
(During the following song Robbie is transformed ready for the

Ball to the extent that he is barely recognisable by the end of
the number.)
Music No. 8 YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL
Velcro
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL CINDERELLA
ILL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, LUCKY FELLA
YOUR CARRIAGE WAITS JUST STEP INSIDE
Sidesaddle
I CANT DO TRICKS WITH PUMPKINS
NOR NO HORSES FROM WHITE MICE
BUT WHO NEEDS VEG AND VERMIN
WHEN YOUVE GOT ME FOR HALF PRICE
Sidesaddle & Velcro
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
Sidesaddle
ILL GET YOU THERE ALRIGHT
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL I CAN TELL A
LOT IS UP FOR GRABS
YOUVE GOT THE BEST OF CABS TONIGHT
(CUT TO: Clodagh and Dana in the final stages of getting
ready for the party. They are dressed very tartily.)
Act One
50
Dana
Clo, how do I look?
Clodagh
Like someones covered you in Pritt Stick and rolled you

through Accessorize.
Clodagh
I COULD USE ANOTHER PINT OF BAILEYS
Dana
A BAILEYS
Clodagh
SECOND THOUGHTS ILL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE
Dana
MAKE IT TWO
Both
TWO SILLY BINTS
GONNA FIGHT FOR A PRINCE
Dana
COS TONIGHT
Clodagh
TONIGHT
Both
TONIGHT
Dana
Both
BOTH LOOKING FIT
Clodagh
AND SLIM
Both
YES, WE SHALL GO TO THE BALL LOOKING STELLAR
I COULD BE THE GIRL FOR HIM
Soho Cinders
51
Clodagh
I LOVE THIS SHADE OF LIP GLOSS
Dana
MY MASCARAS BY CHANEL
Both
YOUD NEVER THINK TWO SCRUBBERS
COULD HAVE GOT TARTED UP QUITE THIS WELL
(CUT TO: Lord Bellingham in a spotlight tying his bow tie.)
Lord Bellingham
THOSE WHO RAISE AN EYEBROW AT THE AGE GAP
NEED TO KEEP THEIR NOSE FROM MY AFFAIRS
GOSSIPS MAY THINK
THAT IM DATING A TWINK BUT WHO CARES?
WITH ALL THAT BOYISH CHARM
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL AS MY BELLE A
HANDSOME TRINKET ON MY ARM

(CUT TO: Robbie being fitted for his suit.
Robbie
HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?
HE JUST GIVES ME THE CREEPS
Velcro (Deliberately sounding posh.)
MAYBE ONE SHOULD BE MORE PARTICULAR
ABOUT PLACES ONE SLEEPS
Robbie
SORRY CRO, I KNOW ITS NOT CLEVER
DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT ID EVER CHOOSE

(Robbie continues to get ready, with haircut and manicure.)
(CUT TO: Marilyn, William and James make their way to Lord
Bellinghams offices.)
52
Act One
Marilyn
HERE WE GO AGAIN, THE GOLDEN COUPLE
James
KEEP SMILING
William
THIS COULD REALLY BE THE LITMUS TEST
Marilyn (Smiling ingratiatingly at James.)
HOW IS THIS!
William
MAKE SURE YOU MINGLE
AND SCHMOOZ EVERY SINGLE LAST GUEST
(CUT TO: Robbie and Velcro are ready to leave.)
Robbie
HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS
I FEEL WEAK AT THE KNEES
Velcro
ITS NOT EVERYDAY YOU GO PARTYING
NOT WITH PEOPLE LIKE THESE
Sidesaddle
COME ON GUYS! ENOUGH HESITATING
CANT YOU SEE YOUR CARRIAGE IS WAITING NOW

(Sidesaddles rickshaw is now pimped to the max and vaguely

resembles an orange pumpkin. Party Guests fill the stage as the
set transforms to Lord Bellinghams offices.)
All
GO WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, WE CAN SMELL A
LOT OF TENSION HERE TONIGHT
WATCH THE GLITTERATI GLITTER
THE NOUVEAU CREME DE LA CREME
Soho Cinders
THEY LOVE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE

KNOWING THAT EVERY EYE IS ON THEM

(James, Marilyn and William are greeting various Guests. Lord

Bellingham is the perfect host. At the top of the staircase the
fully-transformed Robbie makes his entrance.)
All
GO FOR A NIGHT OF GLITZ
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
AND MINGLE WITH THOSE POMPOUS GITS
Lord Bellingham (Looking pleased.) Robbie.
All
AND GET COMPLETELY OFF YOUR TITS
James (Looking startled.) Robbie?
All
AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .
Robbie (Looking horrified.) Awkward!
All
. . . FITS
(Curtain.)
53
Act Two
54
ACT TWO
Music No. 9 ENTRACTE
SCENE ONE The party at Bellingham Industries
Music segues into Lord Bellinghams office where the campaign fund-raising party
is in full swing. Lord Bellingham, Robbie and James are in exactly the same position
as we left them at the end of Act One.
All
Lord Bellingham (Looking pleased.) Robbie.
All
James (Looking startled.) Robbie?
All
AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .

(James Prince is staring at Robbie, who looks deeply

uncomfortable.)
Music No. 10 WHOS THAT BOY?

Party Guests (See score for details.)
WHOS THAT BOY?
AND WHO DID HE COME IN WITH?
WHOS THAT BOY?
HES HANDSOME TO BEGIN WITH
WHOS THAT BOY?
NO DOUBT A YOUNG GO-GETTER
WHOS THAT BOY?
ID LIKE TO KNOW HIM BETTER
WHOS THAT BOY?
WHOS THAT BOY?
Soho Cinders
Lord Bellingham (Confused.) Robbie. Can I have word?

(Robbie tries to get away from Lord Bellingham by making his
way to the bar to get a drink. During the sequence we see
both James and Lord Bellingham trying to find Robbie.)
Party Guests (See score for breakdown.)
WHOS THAT BOY?
THERE HAS TO BE A STORY
WHOS THAT BOY?
TOO TRENDY FOR A TORY
WHOS THAT BOY?
IT SEEMS HE WAS EXPECTED
WHOS THAT BOY?
HES CLEARLY WELL-CONNECTED
WHOS THAT BOY?
WHOS THAT BOY?
Marilyn
James. Is everything Okay? William? Whats going on?
William
I intend to find out.
(James tries to get to Robbie who attempts to avoid a

confrontation.)
Party Guests
DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE SAUNTERED IN
AS IF HE OWNED THE PLACE
EXUDING SUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE
YET NO-ONE KNOWS HIS FACE
HE LEAVES US IN THE SHADOWS
LIKE A MOMENTRY ECLIPSE
AND THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION
THATS ON EVERYBODYS LIPS
WHOS THAT BOY?
Dana
Hes looking at me again. Oh please. Could he be more

obvious.
55
Act Two
56
Clodagh
Get over yourself, its me hes oggling. All these politicians like
a bit on the side.
Dana
That James Prince is fit.
Waiter
Stuffed olive?
Clodagh
Did he? Lucky Olive. (Dirty laugh.)
William
WHOS THAT BOY?
AND WHY THE STRANGE REACTION
Clodagh (To Dana.) Its Robbie!
William
WHOS THAT BOY?
AND WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION
Dana
Whats he doing here?
William
WHOS THAT BOY?
Clodagh & Dana
HES JUST OUR LITTLE BROTHER
COS OUR DAD
GOT MARRIED TO HIS MOTHER
William
So whats he doing . . . (Realises its Clodagh and Dana.) . . .

what are you doing here? Security!
Clodagh
I wouldnt do that if I were you.
Dana
Youve got questions. Weve got answers. Call us.
(She scrawls her phone number on the invitation card with

her lipstick. Elsewhere, James and Lord Bellingham continue to
pursue Robbie.)
Soho Cinders
57
Party Guests
SYMPTOMATIC OF THESE FUNCTIONS
IS THEYRE FULL OF CRASHING BORES
THE FIRST SIGN OF FRESH TALENT
AND THEYRE BEATING DOWN THE DOORS
LIKE BEES AROUND THE HONEY
LIKE MOTHS AROUND THE FLAME
THEY CHASE AFTER THE YOUNG BLOOD
THOUGH NO-ONE KNOWS HIS NAME
(Instrumental half-chorus during which Robbie escapes to the
terrace.)
WHOS THAT BOY?
HES ENTRANCE WAS DRAMATIC
WHOS THAT BOY
BOTH COOL AND ENIGMATIC
WHOS THAT BOY?
WHOS THAT BOY?

(Robbie is on the terrace. Having just taken his phone out to

make a call he is interrupted by the arrival of Lord Bellingham.)
Lord Bellingham Robbie? Is everything alright? You dont seem yourself.

Robbie
No, Im fine . . . Im fine.
Lord Bellingham You seemed nervous in front of James Prince its not like you,
hes a mayoral candidate, not royalty.
Robbie
I know, Im . . . Im not really feeling myself. In fact, George, I

think I may have to go . . .
(Robbie raises his phone. Lord Bellingham gently but forcefully

puts his hand on the phone.)
Lord Bellingham You dont have to do that. The apartments upstairs. Why dont
you go and have a lie down in my room.
Robbie
No George, I think its better if I go.
Act Two
58
Lord Bellingham Wait a minute, Doctor Reids here, he can have a look at you.
Robbie (More forcefully.) No, George. I want to go.
Lord Bellingham This a big night for me. Actually for you and me. Us.
Robbie
Us?
Lord Bellingham Like I said in the note, which you clearly received judging by
the Prada suit youre wearing. I thought Id made my feelings
very clear.
Robbie
Yes you did, George, and about that . . . Im not sure were
quite in the same place . . .
Lord Bellingham (Clearly hurt.) I see. But you took the thousand pounds, and
you went on a shopping spree.
Robbie
George . . .
Lord Bellingham No, Robbie, you see thats not how it works. All the gifts, all
the dinners, the money, the suit youre wearing, the shirt on
your back its not charity what do you think I am?
Robbie (Getting angry.) No, George what do you think I am?
Lord Bellingham (Grabbing Robbies lapels.) Ill tell you what I think you are.

(Robbies phone is knocked to the ground. At that moment

James and William run onto the terrace. Marilyn holds back
slightly, at a distance.)
William
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord Bellingham, Im not interrupting

anything, am I?
James
Robbie, what are you doing here?
William
Im sure there must be a very simple explanation . . .
Robbie (Not moving.) I really have to go.

James
You two know one another?
Soho Cinders
59
Robbie
I cant do this. Not now.
(Robbie runs off.)
William
James, there are guests to be attended to. Lord Bellingham are

you coming?
Lord Bellingham Hmm? Yes, of course.

(Lord Bellingham and William rejoin the party guests inside

leaving Marilyn alone on the terrace. She stoops to pick up the
mobile phone Robbie dropped in the fracas.)
Marilyn
WHOS THAT BOY?
AND WHAT IS HE CONCEALING?
WHOS THAT BOY?
IVE GOT THE STRANGEST FEELING
WHOS THAT BOY?
PERHAPS HES JUST A CHANCER
WHOS THAT BOY
I FEAR I KNOW THE ANSWER
WHOS THAT BOY?
|WHOS THAT BOY?
Party Guests
BOY, BOY
WHOS THAT BOY?
WHOS THAT BOY?

(Marilyn goes back inside. Robbie runs in the darkness.)
All
WHOS THAT BOY?
DID SOMEBODY INVITE HIM?
WHOS THAT BOY?
SO CUTE I WANT TO BITE HIM
WHOS THAT BOY?
I THOUGHT I SAW A SCUFFLE
WHOS THAT BOY
Act Two
60
WHOS CAUSING THE KERFUFFLE

WHOS THAT BOY?
WHOS THAT BOY?
SCENE TWO Trafalgar Square, soon after

Narrator
Robbie runs into the night. Without really thinking about

where hes going, he ends up in Trafalgar Square beside one of
the lions paws.
(James runs in breathless.)
James
I thought youd come here.
Robbie
Well, you know me . . .
James
Do I, Robbie? Im not sure I do. How do you know George

Bellingham?
Robbie
Look James . . .
James
Please tell me its not what I think?
(Silence.)
(Getting slightly agitated.) Robbie, Ive asked you a question. I
think you owe me an explanation.
Robbie (Rising to meet James anger.) I dont owe you anything. But Im
not having an affair with him, if thats what you think.
James
So how do you know him?
Robbie
He took a shine to me. I went along with it. At first it was just
company and I felt sorry for him. It was perfectly innocent.
Then it kind of developed into giving me money and stuff. And
now . . . hes asking for a bit more . . .
James (Sarcastically.) Well where did you think it was leading? And
why didnt you tell me?
Soho Cinders
61
Robbie
There are things about you that I never questioned such as

your fiance and there are things about me . . .
James
. . . which you should have told me, Robbie. Im running for

London Mayor, for Gods sake.
Robbie
Yes, and until tonight, I was your uncomplicated escape from

all that.
James
Uncomplicated? Jesus. If the Press get hold of this. Oh God.

Have you any idea what this will look like?
Robbie
What do you mean?
James
Industry tycoon pays young gay guy for company. Join the
dots, Robbie, theyll make you out to be an escort. Worse. A
rent boy.
Robbie
I never had sex with him.
James
No, but you took his money. And if they link me to you . . .
The politician cheating on his fiance with a rent boy. So
tragic its almost funny.
Robbie
But I never took your money even though we had . . . no, this
is all wrong. Its not like that. James. Im your lover. Im not a
rent boy.
(Robbie makes a move towards James.)
Ive fallen in love with you. Thats why I left the party. I cant
be with anyone else. I dont want to be with anyone else.
James
I cant take this. Jesus Christ. What have I done?
(James turns and walks away into the night. Robbie calls after
him.)
Robbie
James! James!
62
Act Two
Music No. 11 THEY DONT MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS

Robbie
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOY
AND HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD WAS HIS
WASNT VERY OLD WHEN HE CAME TO FIND OUT
THAT THATS NOT HOW IT IS
THEY DONT MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS
ITS NO GREAT SURPRISE
IF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS
THEY DONT HAVE MY SIZE
HAPPY EVER AFTERS
ALWAYS TURN OUT WRONG
NO FAIRY GODMOTHER
POPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG
PRETTY AS THEY SEEM
TROUBLE IS GLASS SLIPPERS
SHATTER LIKE A DREAM
WHY DONT HANDSOME PRINCES
PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH
MAGICAL KINGDOMS
ARE ALWAYS JUST OUT OF MY REACH
ITS NO GREAT SURPRISE
IF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS
Soho Cinders
63
THEY DONT HAVE MY SIZE

HAPPY EVER AFTERS
ALWAYS TURN OUT WRONG
NO FAIRY GODMOTHER
NO FAIRY GODMOTHER
SCENE THREE Campaign Headquarters the following morning

A crisis meeting between William, Marilyn and James is taking place.
Narrator
The following morning all is not well in James Princes

campaign headquarters. The events of the previous evening
have thrown everything up in the air. Having seen the way
James looked at both Marilyn and Robbie, William George
fears an impending double dip depression.
William
Well, James? Just like Prince Charles . . . Im all ears.
(William holds up a piece of paper with phone numbers in it.)
You seen this? This is a list of donors, all of whom were

there last night, all of whom have called today asking for an
explanation. Now before I make one up, Id like to hear the
truth from you.
(Silence.)

For Gods sake say something.
James
Ive no idea what he was doing there. He was hired by

Bellingham as company.
William
The boy?
James
Yes. His names Robbie.
William
And do you know him?
Act Two
64
James
Ive been seeing him for four months.
Marilyn
Oh no.
William What?
Marilyn
Shut up, William.
William
He was hired by Bellingham? You mean . . . hes a rent boy?
Marilyn
Oh please no.
James
Hes not. But Bellingham was paying him for company.

Apparently they never had sex.
William
And what about you?
James
Paying for sex? Of course not! Between him and me . . . no

money ever changed hands.
William
Oh well thats fine, then. The papers wont give a toss. Wont
even be interested. Ill call the f-ing pope, have you put up for
sainthood. Halle-pissing-lu-yah.
James
William, please.
William
Fiance, secret gay rent boy lover, politician. Boom! The

perfect storm. Cancel the diary. Cancel the campaign. Shit.
(Marilyn goes to leave.)
James
Marilyn. Its sounds so . . . weak; but Im sorry. Marilyn?
Marilyn
James. I dont want to hear it and this is certainly not

something I wish to discuss in front of him. (Indicating William.)
Ill see you at home.
(Marilyn looks at a poster of James Prince with the logo How

can you go wrong with honest.)
Pathetic.
Soho Cinders
65
Music No. 11a SPIN REPRISE

(Marilyn leaves the office.)
Marilyn
Oh God.
Marilyn
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH?
REMEMBER? - THATS WHAT PEOPLE WANT
SINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONED
HIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?
HE PROMISED THAT HED PLAY IT STRAIGHT
LAUGHABLE I KNOW BUT WAIT . . .
(A phone rings in Marilyns bag. We recognise it as Robbies
ringtone.)
Marilyn
What on earth . . . ? (She searches in her bag.) I dont believe

this. (She answers.) Hello? (Robbie?) No, but this is his phone.
(So who are you?) This is Marilyn Platt. (Well what are you
doing with Robbies phone.) He dropped it last night. He had
to leave in something of a hurry. (Well where is he?) Look, Ive
no idea where he is. (So are you going to return his phone?)
Im sorry? No I will not return his fucking phone.
(Marilyn exits while, back in the office, James sits with his head
in his hands.)
James
Oh Christ.
William
He may be the son of God but even he cant help you now.
James
What am I going to do?
William
I will tell you what you are going to do. First you are going
to go home. Shower and clean up. Youve not only been
socialising in the gutter you smell like youve been rolling in
it. Get a car to pick you up. From round the back. This mess
will have leaked by this afternoon and I want you seriously
unavailable for comment. Do you understand that?
Act Two
66
(James nods.)

Good. Second, start writing the best apology speech ever

written and well just see if I can do an impersonation of the
Messiah and rescue this out-of-control campaign. Now go.
(James exits.)
Music No. 11b UNDERSCORE into THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG

(William pulls out the invitation card on which the stepsisters

phone number is written in lipstick. He dials. Lights come up
on Clodagh and Dana, as their phone starts to vibrate. They
answer.)
William
This is William George. You gave me your number at the

event last night. You told me that Robbie is your brother, or
stepbrother.
Clodagh
Thats right.
William
So presumably you have an address for him.
Clodagh
Yeah. He works in the launderette next door.
William
In Old Compton Street. Right, heres whats going to happen.

In a few hours time youre going to have a lot of Press
assembling outside your establishment, rather keen to find out
more about your brother.
Clodagh
Go on. Whats that got to do with us?
William
I want you to make your brothers colourful life sound even

more colourful. As sordid as you like. Now that shouldnt be
too hard should it?
Clodagh
And whats in it for us?
William
Trust me. People will pay a lot for your story. Ill make sure of
that. Now enjoy your moment in the sun.
(He hangs up. Lights go down on Clodagh and Dana.)
Soho Cinders
67
Tea, get in here.
(Sasha enters.)
Sasha
Yes, William. What was all that about?
William
That, my dear Tea, was what you call an opportunity. A great

big mincing opportunity.
Music No. 12 THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG

William
Get me a car.
Sasha
Where are we going?
William
Bellingham Industries.
(Sasha re-enters with Williams coat.)
William
THE POLITICS OF POLITICS
BEHOLD THE PEOPLES CHOICE
HE MAY BE MUSIC TO THEIR EARS
BUT IM HIS MASTERS VOICE
THE DASHING POLITICIAN
LET EVERYONE RAISE A GLASS
I KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE
I MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT
I PLUMP THE CUSHIONS ON THE SEAT
WHERE ID PREFER TO SIT
I PULL THE STRINGS
AND CALL THE SHOTS
I GROOM THEM FOR THE THRONE
IM THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG
BUT ITS THE DOG THAT GETS THE BONE
HE SEEMED THE PERFECT PACKAGE
BUT TOO BAD HE HAD A FLAW
IT ONLY TAKES ONE WEAKNESS
AND THE PRESS WILL PICK IT RAW
68
Act Two
WE NEED A STRONG SUCCESSOR

DOES ANYONE SPRING TO MIND?
THE MONKEYS ON THE SCRAP HEAP
WATCH THE ORGAN GRINDER GRIND
Sasha
YOU KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE
William
Sasha
YOU MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT
William
Sasha
WHERE YOUD PREFER TO SIT
William
I PULL THE STRINGS
AND CALL THE SHOTS
Both
YET ITS THE DOG THAT GETS THE BONE
William (with Ensemble oohs.)
IT MAKES YOU ASK WHAT WAS IT THAT LED HIM TO BE UNTRUE
IT SEEMS THAT EVERY CLOSET HOLDS A SKELETON OR TWO
NOW WE LOSE OUR DEPOSIT IF WE DONT FIND SOMEONE NEW
IM THRILLED TO BITS
THE SLIPPER FITS
STAND BACK IM COMING THROUGH
(They burst into Lord Bellinghams office at Bellingham
Industries.)
Soho Cinders
William
69
Oh George, you have been a naughty little Lord, havent you?
Lord Bellingham What?

William
Lord Bellingham and rent boy lover in political fundraiser.

Now only a fool would bet the markets but Ill take my chance
that Bellingham Industries shares will go down.
Lord Bellingham Ive no idea what youre talking about.

William
Your little friend, Robbie?
Lord Bellingham Rent boy? Ive never paid him for . . .

William
What did you pay him for, exactly? (Theres no answer.) Now
Im assuming youd prefer to keep your private life out of the
press.
Lord Bellingham Go on.

William
In an hour this story will leak. However, it all depends which

story wed like to tell. My version is that sicko James Prince
arrogantly invited his fiance and gay boy lover to the same
fundraising event. Worse than that he did so in your good
offices. Of course, there is another version of the tale which
involves the chief executive of a multi-national . . .
Lord Bellingham I get it, I get it. How much?

William
Im sorry?
Lord Bellingham How much to keep me out of it?

William
Id say a hundred thousand should do it.
Lord Bellingham You must be mad. Get out!

William
Its not for me. Its for my campaign . . . to become London

Mayor.
Lord Bellingham Your what?
Act Two
70
William
Prince wont survive this. I have the credentials, I know the

system. Youll find me a very loyal servant in City Hall. And we
have two days before nominations close.
Lord Bellingham (Thinking hard.) What do I need to do?

William
The bank transfer. Ill do the rest.
Lord Bellingham Dont screw this up, William. I mean it.

William (As he exits.) George, you can trust me.
STAND BACK IM COMING THROUGH
(Instrumental as time is passing. William holds centre stage as
he summons a number of Newspaper Editors. Another snap of
his fingers and a photo of Robbie is distributed amongst them.
The editors in turn dispatch their Photographers to the strip
club, where they wait for their prey.)
WHERE ID PREFER TO SIT
I PULL THE STRINGS
AND CALL THE SHOTS
YET ITS THE DOG THAT GETS THE
YET ITS THE DOG THAT GETS THE
YES ITS THE DOG THAT GETS THE BONE
Ensemble
KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE
MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT
PLUMP THE CUSHIONS AND SIT
PULL THE STRINGS
CALL THE SHOTS
GROOM THEM FOR THE THRONE
OOOH DOG GONE, DOG GONE
Soho Cinders
71
DOG GONE, DOG GONE AHHH

DOG THAT GETS THE BONE

(William howls, not unlike a dog, with delight.)
SCENE 4 Inside the launderette

Velcro is sending a text.
Narrator
Back at the launderette Velcro is blissfully unaware of the

calamitous events of the previous evening, apart from the fact
that her best friend dropped his phone.
Velcro (To the Customer.) Are you all done I want to close up.
Customer
Yeah, all finished.
(The Customer opens to door of the launderette to leave as

Marilyn walks in. The Customer exits.)
Velcro (Without turning around.) Sorry love, were closed.
Marilyn
Its Velcro, right?
Velcro
Oh God. It really is you. I didnt make the connection till I . . .

I thought you said . . .
Marilyn
I changed my mind. I dont know why. I suppose everyone has

a morbid fascination with a car crash.
Velcro
What? How did you find me?
Marilyn
Our campaign manager said he worked here.
Velcro
Oh, so have you brought Robbies phone. Where is he? Is he

alright?
Marilyn
I dont where he is. And I dont know if hes alright. What I do

know is that he is having an affair with my fiance.
Act Two
72
Velcro
Look, I dont know what to say. I only found out myself a few
days ago and I told him . . .
(Marilyn sits on a bench.)

. . . are you okay? Can I get you some water?
Marilyn
Velcros a strange name.
Velcro
Well, its Sonia really. Everyone calls me Velcro because of my

frizzy hair.
Marilyn Sonia.
Velcro
His phone?
Marilyn
Hes a good man. James. Always puts everyone else first. Well,
nearly always. Ive never met anyone like him. Hes worked
hard for this. We all have.
Velcro
You never had an inkling he was gay?
Marilyn
Ive known all along that James was gay or at least bisexual.
Oh yes, it may surprise you but we have . . . had . . . a sex life.
I believe they call it a mixed orientation relationship.
Velcro Really?
Marilyn
Back at University it wasnt exactly a secret that James had an

eye for the boys.
Velcro
But if you knew he was gay how come you got together?
Marilyn
It was years later. We were like best friends. He asked me to

marry him. I was as surprised as everyone else. By then his
swimming career was over and hed moved back into politics.
I thought it was just a convenience a nice cosy package for
the voters so I turned him down.
Velcro
What changed?
Soho Cinders
73
Marilyn
About six months later he asked me again. Id had more time

to think about it and . . . well, at 38 the clock starts ticking a
bit faster, so I thought "Well, what have I got to lose?
Velcro
You poor thing.
Marilyn
Dont pity me. I knew what I was getting into, I went in with
my eyes open.
Velcro
So did you think you could change him?
Marilyn
I needed someone, Sonia, and maybe the need became greater

than the someone. We were both using each other in a way.
Velcro
But what about love? Wasnt that important to you?
Marilyn
Love? I got so used to the facade that somewhere along the

line I actually started to believe the fairytale myself, and then,
before I knew what was happening, I accidentally fell in love
with him. Pathetic, isnt it?
Velcro
I fell in love with Robbie almost as soon as I met him but

I knew that was never going to happen. He was out and
screaming for Britain.
Marilyn
Robbie. Strange how someone youve never met can bring

your whole world crashing down.
Velcro
Yeah well. The gay thing hasnt stopped him being my best
friend. Were like brother and sister . . . well, more like sister
and sister really. But you shouldnt compromise yourself . . .
thirty-eight isnt that old.
Marilyn Thanks!
Velcro
I mean youre not over the hill.
Marilyn
If you dig that hole any bigger well have to get the Council out
to close the road.
Act Two
74
Velcro
You know what I mean. My Mum was forty-three when she

had me. You just need to find the right guy someone whos
really going to make you happy. Not a convenience.
Marilyn
Youve got a wise head on those young shoulders.
Velcro
Up here for thinking, down there for dancing.
Marilyn (Touching her heart.) And in here for hurting.

Velcro (Wistfully.) Yes, in here for hurting it gets better though, if you
let it.
Music No. 13 LET HIM GO
Velcro
THE ONLY WAY TO FREE YOURSELF
LET HIM GO
IT DOESNT MEAN YOU LOVE HIM LESS
LET HIM GO
TO HOLD ON TO A FANTASY
WILL HURT YOU IN THE END
LET HIM GO
AND GAIN A CLOSER FRIEND
I DONT SAY ITS EASY THOUGH
IF YOU WANT TO LET HIM KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU REALLY LOVE HIM LET HIM GO
Marilyn
I DONT KNOW WHY IM HOLDING ON
LET HIM GO
FOR IN MY HEART IVE ALWAYS KNOWN
LET HIM GO
THE HARDEST PART OF LOVING HIM
IS KNOWING IT MUST END
LET HIM GO
WHY SETTLE FOR PRETEND
IF I TRY TO TELL HIM SO
TELL TALE SIGNS MAY START TO SHOW
HOW MUCH I REALLY LOVE HIM
LET HIM GO
Soho Cinders
75
Velcro
DONT STAY SHUT AWAY
WITH ALL THOSE "MIGHT HAVE BEENS"
OPEN DOORS TO "WHAT MAY BE" INSTEAD
Marilyn
THATS THE LIGHT THAT GUIDES US
THROUGH THE CHANGE OF SCENES
THOSE "IN BETWEENS" WE DREAD
(Instrumental line.)
LET HIM GO
Velcro
LET HIM GO
Both
LET HIM GO
TO HOLD ON TO A FANTASY WILL HURT YOU IN THE END
LET HIM GO AND GAIN A CLOSER FRIEND
Velcro
THOUGH THE HEALING MAY BE SLOW
WHEN WE GROW APART
Both
WE GROW
HELL KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM
SHOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM
LET HIM GO . . . LET HIM GO

(Robbie runs in breathlessly and starts to grab some of his

belongings. He does not see Marilyn. He is wearing the same
clothes from the night before.)
Act Two
76
Robbie
Cro. Cro. You wont believe the night Ive had. Ive gotta get
away. Gotta get out of here. I wanted to call but I . . .
Marilyn
Dropped your phone?
(Robbie turns around.)
Velcro
Robbie this is . . .
Robbie
I know. (Acknowledging her cautiously.) Marilyn.
Marilyn
Well this is slightly awkward wouldnt you say?
Robbie
Look I could say Im sorry about this whole mess but . . .
Marilyn
Well are you?
Robbie What?
Marilyn Sorry.
Robbie
Yes. For both of us. I didnt think it would end like this. I
hoped . . .
Marilyn
What, did you hope . . . Robbie?
Robbie
I dont know. That somehow he and I . . . it would be different.
Marilyn
Maybe if youd chosen someone less attached.
Velcro
Thats exactly what I said.
Robbie
Not helpful, Cro. (To Marilyn.) Youre right. But I didnt know.
Not about you. Not at first. He pursued me. I was flattered.
And then . . . you cant help who you fall in love with.
Marilyn
I know exactly what you mean. For what its worth I dont
blame you. I guess a part of me was always prepared for this
and . . . perhaps Id armed myself without knowing it.
Robbie
I didnt mean to hurt anyone. (Grabbing the urn containing his

mothers ashes.) Look, Ive got to get away.
Soho Cinders
77
Velcro Where?
Robbie
Margate. My aunts there. And anyway its where Mum wanted

to have her ashes scattered.
Velcro
For how long?
Robbie
Probably for good. I dont have anything to stay here for.
Velcro
What do you mean?
Robbie
Ive lost Mums flat and I cant stay at yours forever, its not fair
on Becky. My stepsisters are screwing me for money I havent
got, and when Les gets out of prison hes gonna steal the only
thing I have got this place.
Velcro
Youve still got me, you twonk.
Robbie
Cro, after what happened last night! The story will be all over
the papers and Ill be painted as the villain. The rent boy. Im
not hanging around for that.
Velcro
Well, what about me?
Robbie
Ill call you. Ill think of something.
(Robbie is ready to leave.)
Marilyn. Im glad to have had this chance to meet you face to

face. Really I am. I only wish it wasnt like this.
Marilyn
I appreciate that.
Velcro
So youll call me, right?
Robbie
I said Ill call you.
Marilyn
You may be needing this.
(She hands Robbie his phone. Robbie moves to Velcro to kiss her
goodbye.)
Act Two
78
Robbie
Thank you. Cro, I love you. So much.
(Robbie exits. Marilyn picks up her bag to go as well.)
Marilyn
Not what I expected at all.
Velcro
Theyre not all mincing around screaming about equality you

know. (She sits.) I cant believe it. Hes lost everything. Why
couldnt she have written a bloody Will. I mean I know she
had dementia but thats mental.
Marilyn Who?
Velcro
His Mum. She got Alzheimers and died and Les and his
stepsisters are getting everything. She wouldnt have wanted
that.
Marilyn
Look I dont mean to intrude, but, in my experience one of the

first things people do when they find out they have a terminal
illness is they make a Will.
Velcro
Really, well they told Robbie she didnt.
Marilyn
Who did?
Velcro
I dont know. His stepdads solicitor or someone.
Marilyn
I wonder where he looked. Its easy enough to check these

things.
Velcro Really?
Marilyn
Look, take my card and call me if you wish to pursue it.
(Velcro takes the card and looks pensive.)
Are you okay?
Velcro
I will be.
Marilyn
I know you will be. Thanks.
Soho Cinders
Velcro
For what?
Marilyn
For being . . . kind.
Velcro
I didnt do anything.
Marilyn
You did a lot. Goodbye, Sonia.
Music No. 13a WISHING FOR THE NORMAL REPRISE

(Marilyn exits. Velcro looks around the launderette clutching

Marilyns card.)
Velcro
WISHING
WISHING
HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM
IS THAT AIMING HIGH
TELL ME WHY OH WHY OH WHY CANT I
SCENE FIVE Campaign Headquarters

Narrator
James is sitting in Williams office as he flicks through

tomorrows headlines. Prince puts up the rent.
William
The Sun.
Narrator
The Prince and the Prossy.
William
The Mirror. Quite low brow that, dont you think?
Narrator
Oh and yes . . . Prince is a queen.
William
Daily Sport. Thats offensive even by their standards.
James
I get the feeling you are enjoying this. They certainly didnt
waste time.
79
Act Two
80
William
Well your little boyfriend didnt exactly hold back telling the
world everything he knew. Real class. You certainly can pick
them.
James
I told you I didnt know. He didnt tell me.
William
And you? Youve kept some things from me which I feel would
have been helpful to know. Unfair?
(James stays silent.)
I can control the image, James. I cant control the man.
James
So what now?
William
Well, I know when the horse Im flogging is a dead one and

this is over for you. You cant recover and if you think you can,
you will have to run for mayor without my help.
James
To the point as always, William.
William
Your complicated little tryst has seen the majority of your

campaign funding vanish. Poof. If youll pardon the pun.
James Charming.
William
Lord Bellingham put an end to the finances straight away. He

has intimated he is prepared to back another candidate.
James Who?
William
Well he has asked me if I would be prepared to consider . . .
James
Oh spare me. In fact, spare London. You havent got a public

spirited bone in your body.
William
Well if you dont like me you can always vote for the other guy.
James
You have got to be kidding. This has got to be a joke.
William
No joke James. Im thinking about it.
(William gets up to exit.)
Soho Cinders
81
Ive read the speech you prepared. No offence James, its a

C- minus. I think my version will play out better. You could just
slink off into the night but I wouldnt advise it. Have a think
about it.
(William throws James an envelope with a speech in it and

exits. James picks up his phone to dial. Robbie appears in a
spotlight. His phone rings, which he answers.)
Robbie Hello.
James
Robbie, its James. Where are you?
Robbie
Going away.
James
I just want to know why? Why would you speak to the press,
Robbie?
Robbie
What? The question speaks volumes. Goodbye, James.
(Robbie puts the phone down. The spotlight fades.)
James Shit.

(Marilyn enters Williams office.)
Marilyn
William told me you were in here.
James
He thinks its all over.
Marilyn
Campaign or us?
James
Campaign but lets talk about us.
(Marilyn takes off her engagement ring and places it on the

table.)
Marilyn
I just want to ask you one thing, James. What changed?
James (A moment of realisation.) Nothing changed. I thought it could.

I thought I could.
Act Two
82
Music No. 13b REMEMBER US REPRISE

James
NOTHINGS BLACK AND WHITE
THIS IS NOT A FIGHT YOU CAN WIN ON A VOTE
LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL
WHEN YOU FALL YOU FALL THERE IS NO ANTIDOTE
I THOUGHT I COULD CHANGE . . .
Marilyn
We both did. We both wanted to believe it. It wasnt just you.
Marilyn
REMEMBER WHEN
YOU POPPED THE QUESTION NEW YEARS EVE
James
GOD, WHAT A MESS!
Marilyn
REMEMBER THEN
I CALLED YOU CRAZY, SO NAIVE
James
THEN YOU SAID YES
Marilyn
RELATIVELY YOUNG
Both
YOU THINK THE DREAM WILL LAST . . . UNTIL . . .
Marilyn
You finally wake up.
James
I LOVE YOU STILL
Marilyn
I know you do. But you will never love me completely. And I
dont want to fight a battle I cant win.
James
Marilyn, please. I want you to be part of my life.
Soho Cinders
83
Marilyn
I want all of you, not just a part.
James
Im scared. That sounded very final.
Marilyn
It is, James.
James
I dont know what to do. I mean what now?
Marilyn
Honesty. With the voters but more importantly with yourself.

You cant go wrong with honest. Remember?
(Marilyn exits.)
SCENE SIX Outside Glam-Amour

Clodagh and Dana are in the doorway enjoying the limelight, they are surrounded
by paparazzi.
Narrator
At Williams direction, the press are now camped out in Soho,

across the street from Glam-Amour. Clodagh and Dana are
rather enjoying the attention.
Photographer 1
Over here, darling.
Photographer 2
Clodagh, this way. Straight into the camera, love.
Photographer 3
Wheres Robbie?
Dana
Hes not here.
Photographer 1
Yeah, lets get a shot with your little brother.
Clodagh
Weve told you all you need to know about him . . . now, what
do you think of these puppies?
Photographer 2
Thats lovely. And another one together. Smashing.
Dana
You wanna a bit of girl on girl?
Clodagh (Aside.) I think . . . I think our talent has finally been

recognised.
Act Two
84
Dana
Our what?
Music No. 14 FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME

Clodagh
SOMEONE FAMOUS HE ONCE SAID
I DONT RECALL HIS NAME
EVERYONES ENTITLED TO
THEIR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Dana
WELL THIS LOOKS LIKE OUR MOMENT
LET THE TABLOIDS HUE AND CRY
WEVE GOT OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES
NOW LETS BLEED EM TILL THEYRE DRY
Clodagh
WE WANT OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES
WEVE EARNED OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES
BRING ON OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Dana
BEWARE THE CLOCK IS TICKING
WERE READY FOR THE PICKING
AT LAST THE MUD IS STICKING TO OUR NAME
Clodagh
WERE GONNA SELL OUR STORY
Dana
THE DETAILS MAYBE GORY
Clodagh
WELL HAVE A TASTE OF GLORY ALL THE SAME
Both
HELLO ITS FIFTEEN MINUTES
OUR NEW LIFE CAN BEGIN ITS
TIME FOR OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Soho Cinders
Dana
WELL BECOME CELEBRITIES
THE DARLINGS OF THE PRESS
Clodagh
CAST US IN A PANTOMIME
WELL BE A ROARING SUCCESS
Dana
BRING OUT A RANGE OF CLOTHING
Clodagh
AND A PERFUMES SURE TO SELL
Dana
THEN WRITE OUR OWN BIOGRAPHY
Clodagh
A SHAME THAT YOU CANT SPELL
Both (with Ensemble Oohs)
WE CRAVE OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES
WELL FILL OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Clodagh
THE PRESS ARE IN OUR POCKET
Dana
OUR BANK ACCOUNTS WILL ROCKET
Clodagh
ITS CHEAP BUT WHO CAN KNOCK IT
Both
ITS A GAME
Ensemble
GAME!
Dana
OUR LIFE WAS DOWN THE TOILET
A SCANDAL SHOULDNT SPOIL IT
85
86
Act Two
Clodagh
WERE GONNA SUSAN BOYLE-IT THATS OUR AIM
Both (with Ensemble Oohs)
WASSUP WITH FIFTEEN MINUTES
ITS SO NOT US TO WIN ITS
(Instrumental.)
Dana
BIG BROTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES
Clodagh
KATONA FIFTEEN MINUTES
Dana
X FACTOR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Clodagh
STEVE BROOKSTEIN FIFTEEN MINUTES
Dana
APPRENTICE FIFTEEN MINUTES
Clodagh
LEWINSKY FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Dana
MATT CARDLE FIFTEEN MINUTES
Clodagh
AND TOWIE FIFTEEN MINUTES
Dana
PLEASE JEDWARD FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Both & Ensemble
Clodagh
GODAMMIT FIFTEEN MINUTES
Soho Cinders
87
Dana
SWEET JESUS FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
Both (with Ensemble)
WED SAY FAREWELL TO VICES
GO WHERE CHAMPAGNE ON ICE IS
BUY TITS LIKE KATIE PRICES WEVE NO SHAME
SINCE FAME AND FORTUNES BECKONED
WERE GONNA SEIZE EACH SECOND
ITS NOT WHAT WED HAVE RECKONED STILL WE CLAIM
OUR PRECIOUS FIFTEEN MINUTES
OUR STORY MAY BE THIN ITS
(The Photographers have started to lose interest and disperse.)
GUESS THATS OUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME
(By the time the song ends the two girls are alone. Abandoned.
Yesterdays news.)
Clodagh
Come on Sis, my G-string needs a rinse.
(On the applause, we transition to . . . )
SCENE SEVEN Press Conference

James is standing at a podium about to address the assembled press. William and
Sasha are standing close by. James is reading from a prepared sheet.
James
Ladies and Gentlemen, today I am withdrawing from the race

to be the next London Mayor. I have not acted in a way which
would meet the high demands of public office. Indeed I have
betrayed . . . I have betrayed . . .
(James pauses.)
I have betrayed . . .
William (From the side of the stage.) Go on, James. Go on.
88
Act Two
(James puts down his prepared speech.)
James
Its funny. Do you know, I didnt even write this resignation

speech? Someone else decided what the acceptable wording
for the media would be. Its been that way the whole
campaign. Ultimately all the voters get is an image. Not the
real person. Not me. Just a media tested image. When I was
a swimmer it was simple. Me and the water. Train hard. Do
your best to win. I liked the simplicity. When I entered politics
I thought, work hard, be honest, be yourself and those that
like you will vote for you. If you are lucky that may even be a
majority. Nave. Extremely nave. I miss the water. I miss the
simplicity. The political process wont allow for that. Ladies
and gentlemen, tomorrow the papers will announce that I had
an affair with another man. It is not as they will claim it to be,
but then it never is, is it? Personally I cant see why anyone
would be remotely interested in my private life. However . . .
Before I leave, I must publicly do one thing. And that is to say
thank you to the one person who has stood by me and even
today puts my feelings before their own.
(William takes a move towards the podium, thinking James

might be about to thank him.)
James
Marilyn. My apology is futile but necessary and heartfelt.

Without you . . . without you . . .
(For the first time we see James slightly let his emotion get the
better of him.)

Without you . . . hope London finds a mayor worthy of what

I believe to be the greatest city in the world.
(The press conference breaks down as James leaves the podium,

closely pursued by William.)
William
What the hell was that?
James
That was me, William. My voice. I didnt expect you to

recognise it or like it. But there it was.
Soho Cinders
89
William Pathetic.
James
Whats pathetic, William? Has the puppet master lost his

puppet? You can always shove your hand up your own arse.
William
Youre a loser James. You always were.
James
Funny. For the first time in my life, I feel like Im winning.
(William exits.)
(James is left alone on stage and Marilyn enters.)
Music No. 15 FINALE

Marilyn
Best speech you ever made.
James
You think so? Look, Marilyn . . .
Marilyn
I know. But no matter how sorry you are, it doesnt change

us.
James
So what now?
Marilyn
DONT STAY SHUT AWAY WITH ALL THOSE MIGHT HAVE BEENS
OPEN DOORS TO WHAT MAY BE INSTEAD
THATS THE LIGHT THAT GUIDES US THROUGH THE CHANGE OF SCENES
THOSE IN-BETWEENS WE DREAD
James
Ive got to get away. Avoid the press for a while. Theyve still
only got Robbies side of the story.
Marilyn
Not Robbies. I suspect it is Williams side of the story.
James
But Robbie . . .
Marilyn
. . . is doing exactly what youre doing. Avoiding the Press. He

hasnt spoken to them. Hes catching a train out of here from
London Bridge.
(James exits leaving Marilyn alone.)
Act Two
90
Good luck, James.
(Music continues as we transition to . . . )
SCENE EIGHT London Bridge Station

The sound of a busy station, muffled announcements give out the times of train
departures and platform numbers. Robbie is sitting on a bench.
Narrator
The 14.18 train to Margate will be departing from platform five,

calling at Orpington, Sevenoaks, Tonbridge, Paddock Wood,
Marden . . . (List of station names fades away under.)
Robbie
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH?
Narrator
. . . Minster, Ramsgate, Dumpton Park, Broadstairs, and

Margate.
(James Prince enters.)
James
MEETING IN THIS PLACE
WANDERERS IN SPACE . . .
Robbie
Are you sure about this? Are you sure its what you really want?
James
YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND . . .
(As the music swells, they kiss.)
Robbie
But because of me you had give it all up.
Soho Cinders
James
91
No, Robbie, it was because of me. Look, what I want is

normal.
GOING TO A NIGHT CLUB

Robbie
CINEMAS AND SUCH
James
EATING IN NICE RESTAURANTS
Robbie
HAPPY TO GO DUTCH
James
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH? . . .
Robbie
I dont think so.
(They turn to find their platform as Velcro runs in (or enters on

Sidesaddles rickshaw).)
Velcro
Robbie! Robbie! Wait!
Robbie
Cro! What are you doing here?
Velcro
I spoke with Marilyn.
James Marilyn?
Velcro (Sheepish.) Yeah, you know . . . well of course you know.
Robbie Velcro!
Velcro
Sorry! (Pulls a face as if to say stupid me.) She told me about

these websites. Anyone can trace a Will.
Robbie
There is no Will.
Velcro
No, no you were told theres no Will. By Les solicitor.
Robbie (The penny drops.) Of course I was.
Act Two
92
Velcro
Exactly. Well guess what. Youre the sole Benny . . . youre the
sole Bennyfish . . . Oh, its all yours, here yare. (Hands him an
envelope.)
Robbie
(Reading it.) Oh my God! Thank you Mum. You didnt let me

down.
James
I dont believe it . . .
Velcro
No, its true.
James
I mean that. Look . . .
Narrator
James has spotted the live news screen on the station platform
which is flashing up a breaking news story . . . William
George forced to stand down after assistant Sasha Larkin
alleges sexual harassment in the workplace.
James
Good on you, Sasha. About time too.
Robbie
Well, see you in a bit. When this has all blown over.
Velcro
Talking of blowing over, have you told him?
James
Told me what?
Velcro
Where hes scattering the ashes.
Robbie
Margate Pleasureland was her favourite place. Whats wrong

with that?
Velcro
Yes, but not on top of the bloody log flume!
Robbie, James & Velcro

WISHING WISHING
TELL ME WHY OH WHY OH WHY CANT I?

(Velcro waves them off and as she backs away she bumps
into a Stranger who holds a polythene bag containing a live
goldfish.)
Soho Cinders
93
Stranger & Velcro (Awkwardly, at the same time.) Oh, Im sorry. No it was me.
Stranger
Stupid question. Do you know anything about goldfish? I just

won this at the funfair. Throwing ping pong balls into jam jars.
Velcro (Checking him up and down.) No . . . no, I . . .

(Stranger starts to leave . . . )
Velcro
JUST IMAGINE OWNING A GOLDFISH . . .

Wait . . . !
(As a final image a photograph descends of James and Robbie

on the top of a log flume holding an open urn and covered in
ash.)
(Curtain.)
Music No. 16 BOWS
Sidesaddle
COME ON GUYS! ENOUGH HESITATING
CANT YOU SEE YOUR CARRIAGE IS WAITING NOW
All
ILL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, LUCKY FELLA
YOUR CARRIAGE WAITS JUST STEP INSIDE
Sidesaddle
WELL I CANT DO TRICKS WITH PUMPKINS
NOR NO HORSES FROM WHITE MICE
BUT WHO NEEDS VEG AND VERMIN
WHEN YOUVE GOT ME FOR HALF PRICE
All (Except Sidesaddle.)
WELL I CANT DO TRICKS WITH PUMPKINS
OOH, HORSES FROM WHITE MICE
WHEN YOUVE GOT SIDESADDLE FOR HALF PRICE
All
AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER FITS
Music No. 17 PLAYOUT
SOHO
CINDERS
an urban musical fable

Music by
Lyrics by
Book by
GEORGE STILES
ANTHONY DREWE
ANTHONY DREWE and ELLIOT DAVIS
VOCAL BOOK
Josef Weinberger
SOHO CINDERS
Copyright 2015 by George Stiles, Anthony Drewe and Elliot Davis
Edition Copyright 2015 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights Reserved
Applications to perform this work must be made,

BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:
JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED
12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
United Kingdom
Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827
Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616
www.josef-weinberger.com
This edition: June 2015
Musical Numbers

ACT ONE
1.
Old Compton Street (Velcro, Robbie, Clodagh & Dana, Ensemble)................ 1
2.
Wishing For The Normal (Velcro, Robbie)..................................................... 9
2a.
Wishing For The Normal Scene Change (Instrumental)............................. 15
3.
Spin (James, William, Sasha, Ensemble)...................................................... 16
4.
Gypsies Of The Ether (Robbie, James)......................................................... 24
4a.
Gypsies Of The Ether Tag (James, Robbie)................................................ 27
5.
I'm So Over Men (Dana, Clodagh)............................................................. 28
5a.
I'm So Over Men Reprise (Dana, Clodagh).............................................. 33
6.
Remember Us (Marilyn, James).................................................................. 34
6a.
Old Compton Street Reprise (Lord Bellingham)........................................ 38
7.
It's Hard To Tell (Velcro, Robbie, Ensemble)................................................ 40
7a.
It's Hard To Tell Fade (Instrumental)......................................................... 46
8.
You Shall Go To The Ball (Velcro, Sidesaddle, Dana, Clodagh,
Lord Bellingham, Robbie, Marilyn, William, James, Ensemble)..................... 47
ACT TWO
9.
Entr'acte (Ensemble).................................................................................. 53
10.
Who's That Boy? (Ensemble, William, Clodagh, Dana, Marilyn)................... 55
11.
Glass Slippers (Robbie).............................................................................. 63
11a.
Spin Reprise (Marilyn)............................................................................. 65
11b.
Underscore into The Tail That Wags (Instrumental)...................................... 66
12.
The Tail That Wags The Dog (William, Sasha, Ensemble).............................. 67
13.
Let Him Go (Velcro, Marilyn)..................................................................... 74
13a.
Wishing For The Normal Reprise (Velcro)................................................. 77
13b.
Remember Us Reprise (James, Marilyn)................................................... 78
14.
Fifteen Minutes (Clodagh, Dana, Ensemble)............................................... 80
15.
Finale (Marilyn, Robbie, James, Velcro)....................................................... 85
16.
Bows (Company)....................................................................................... 91
17.
Playout (Instrumental)................................................................................ 94
VOCAL BOOK
SOHO CINDERS
No.1
Old Compton Street
Lyrics by
Anthony Drewe
NARRATOR: Old Compton Street, Soho. That promiscuous potpourri.

That metropolitan munificence. That glittering back passage.
Magically slow q = 60
#4
& 4
Music by
George Stiles
pp
It's 7pm on a fairly ordinary Spring evening. Theatregoers rub shoulders with
prostitutes. Local businessmen, on their way home, are having one last drink . . .
&
. . . as they collide with a younger crowd arriving for their first.

VELCRO, a young single Mum, is making her way to get back to the launderette where she works.
b
bb
bb w
w
bw
&
w
w
w
Faster but colla voce q = 120
#
&
11
VELCRO
mp
Join
#
& j
16
- ment
21

the par
j

throb
Brightly q = 180
&
j

-
ty
be - neath your
j

on
j

feet,
show.
Copyright 2012 by Soho Cinders Ltd.

Old
Comp - ton
Take a
Feel
Street
j

seat.
w
Watch
the
the pave -
Soho Cinders Vocal Book
#
&
25
No - thing's
#
&
norm
29
Dress
in - form
Ur
37
ges
will
& w
#
& j
-
cus
#
& j
48
&
52
ers
sat - is
Comp - ton
Old
the
jump
step
where
& w
side
## j
&
## j
57
Comp - ton
&
Comp - ton
Drink
and
##
2 GIRLS
boys for
boys
boys
con - ta
##mfw
Boys for
girls
girls
and
gious
on
out - ra
gious,
there

J
there
Boys
for
men
old
for
men
old
cir -
rock-
Boys
on
Boys for
side
Fun
&
Street
##
boys for
1 BOY
eat
It's
sweet
Punks
Street
61
Fun
##
&
SOLO GIRL
lite
side,
is
Street
by
life
Fun's
in
Life's
board,
Street.
Here
Comp - ton
rich
you
Street
fied
Comp - ton
Old
as
be
on
and
al
j

j

on
Old
44
al
33
#
&
#
J
wear - ing
wear - ing
j

pearls

J
pearls
Old
Old
are
are
##
&
65
ALL GIRLS
No
one's
ALL BOYS
#
&#
No
ob
one's
ob
so
lete
so
##
&
..
##
..
Old
Comp
Old
Comp
ton
ton
?.
..
Street
ROBBIE: That was lovely. LORD BELLINGHAM: Are you sure you wont come for a drink?
ROBBIE: Sorry, Ive got to get to work. LORD BELLINGHAM: Peoples washing can wait.
73
? ##
#
&#
? ##
76
#
& # ..
##
&
87
&
LORD BELLINGHAM: It gives me pleasure. Will you allow me that? ROBBIE (reluctantly): Thank you.
LORD BELLINGHAM: So, when will I see you? ROBBIE: Youve got my number. Just call.
ROBBIE
this

J
melt
ing
pot
Some
have
and
ENSEMBLE
Oh
ROBBIE: Yeah, but my rent wont. LORD BELLINGHAM: Let me help you out.
He produces a wad of banknotes from his pocket. ROBBIE: George, please you just bought me dinner.
2nd time only
With - in
# p
&#w
&
LORD BELLINGHAM kisses ROBBIE on the cheek. ROBBIE make his way towards the launderette.
LORD BELLINGHAM (Under his breath): Oh, Robbie.
83
ww
lete
Street
80
w
w
NARRATOR: Elsewhere, Velcro's best friend, Robbie,

appears from the doorway of a posh restaurant.
69
&

J
some
..
have
##
&
91
not
piz
##
& #w
za
j j

'ry
thing
ev
ALL
GIRLS
Try
105
See
the
the
w
w
Who
fp
fp
## w
& w
Who
slice
flies
## w
& w
109
slice
Try
See
#
&#
flies
- 'ry
- 'ry
j

J
j

J
of
of
that
j

J
that
ble
u - pon

With
ev -
fla - vour
ev
ROBBIE + TENORS
+ BARITONES
##
&
Oh
##
stum
on,
## w
& w
&
you
Oh
95
101
base
##
& .
##
&
fla - vour
life
Old
Old
j

J
swarm
j

J
j
J
Comp - ton
swarm
Comp - ton
life
round
round
ROBBIE
(Mmm
Trick
or
j

J
Trick

yeah)
j
J
meat
meat
Street

the
Street
the
or
j
J
j

J
treat,
treat,
NARRATOR: In the flat above the launderette, Dana and Clodagh appear in the window.
They are sisters. They are ugly.
can
say?
w
w
can
say?
3
3
CLODAGH and DANA start throwing

ROBBIE's possessions out of the window.
#
&#
115
..
ROBBIE: Hey, hey . . . what are you doing?
VAMP
..
(1st x) CLODAGH: Heads! She drops a cardboard box. ROBBIE: That's my stuff. ROBBIE starts searching in the box.
(2nd x) DANA: And that's not all. When Dad get's out of prison he wants the launderette back too.
117
? ## ..
(1st x) DANA: We've changed the locks. You're evicted. ROBBIE: But it's my flat. Where's mum? DANA: On her way down.
(2nd x) CLODAGH: But until then you've got to keep paying. DANA: Ooh, what was that?
121
? ##
125
? ##
(1st x) DANA produces an urn containing Robbie's mother's ashes. DANA: Heads!
ROBBIE: Don't you dare! Lucky me having step-sisters like you. Twins.
(1st x) ROBBIE (cont'd): Not identical but equally unpleasant.. You can't do this?
CLODAGH: We just have. And we're getting it fumigated. We don't want to catch gay.
129
? ##
(2nd x) CLODAGH: Yes it was. But it's not anymore is it. (to the urn)
Because silly Mummy didn't leave a will, or had you forgotten?
j
&
& ..
& ..
####
#
DANA: He'd forget his balls if they weren't in a bag. Heads!

She drops the urn into ROBBIE's outstretched hands.
# j
& # ..
133
VAMP
CLODAGH & DANA
# ##
&# #
135
Pick
# ##
&# #
your
139
Girls
# ##
& # # j
still
un
142
sure
and
poi - son
on
on
ev'
Old
boys
show
ry
taste
Comp - ton
and
gay
is
Street
or
ca
straight
tered
j
J
for
or
####
& #
Ens. GIRLS
145
Here
ww
w
all
w
w
where
where
all
Ens. BOYS
####
& #
Here
bb b
& b
worlds
meet
worlds
meet
Old
Old
Street
bb
& b b
nnnn bb b
n b
nnnn bb b
n b
Comp - ton
NARRATOR: There's a commotion outside the Prince Edward Theatre

where Adele Darzeen is starring in Frozen 5 the Frigid Fanny.
149
Comp - ton
Street
153
b
& b bb
157
James Prince, a London Mayoral candidate, and his fiance Marilyn Platt arrive at the theatre.
WILLIAM: Here they are, right on cue.
b
& b bb
##
& # ##
##
& # ##
##
& # ##
161
164
168
#
nnnn## ##
SASHA (as BIG ISSUE SELLER): Big Issue. Big Issue.
ENSEMBLE
WILLIAM: Job done.
JAMES (cont'd): But here's a fiver.
WILLIAM: Here might be a better position.
SASHA (AS BIG ISSUE SELLER): Big Issue, Big Issue. JAMES: Damn. I haven't got any change.
mp
nn ##
n
We
#
& # b
173
to
spot
cel
#
& # b
all
too
of
ten
we
love
177
b
-
eb
ri - ties
no

for - get
And
The
bo - dy
rea - son
why
can
they're
blame
us
fa - mous
Though
But
#
&#
181
rol
- ling
#
&#
the
red
car - pet
185
then
we
stop
and
#
&#
189
out
#
&#
pound
##
&
pound
rub - ber
neck
Cos
eve
the
rhy
the
beat

the
beat
##
&
203
same
&
One
street
##
w
the
w
w
w
w
No
bright
thm
of
w
w
w
w
No
holds
barred.
that
knows
no
nw
dy
does.
Comp
All
the
cit
ton
Street
ies
heat,
up
ROBBIE
#
And
turn
barred.
have
the
CROWD p
Oh
things
holds
Old
buzz
young
ry - bo
cause
shame
bright
#w
fac
ade
whose
#
Oh
##
&
207
sur
&
to
Ens. SATB
198
bound
Where
##
&
Is
Catch
194
j
# #
ALL

face
is
thin
## w

But
hard
as
nail
nnbb bw
b w
w
w
nn b w
bb w
w
w
Oh
## f
.
&
211
ALL
Scratch
## f.
.
&
Scratch
j

it
and
j n
J
it
and
sniff
sniff
SATB
but
..
nev
.
.
but
nev
j

J
er
j
J
er
ff
w
w
in
w
w
in
hale
ff
hale
b
&b b
street
ALL
Ears
bb
& b
226
bb j
b
&
ses
by
229 ff ALL
Try
are
burn
are
bb
& b
Ears
burn
slice
ry
vice
Eve
bb
& b
237
ry
vice
ALL
Here
bb
& b
Here
bb
& b
241
Comp
b
& b b
Comp
where
all
ton
Old
Comp - ton
the
bow
flags
bow
of
life
of
life
rife
is
all
w
w
w
is
on
while
where
ing
ton
while
Rain
bb
& b
b
& b b
by
slice
Eve
ing
Rain
ALL
ing
233
turn
b
& b b
Try
are
pas - ses
ff
CROWD Tenors
bb j
& b
pas
ALL ff
Heads
bb w
& b
223
VELCRO
217
the
flags
mf
end - less
ww
w
ing
high
are
fly
j
J
stream
j
J
fly - ing
high
slice
of
life
ry
vice
..
SIDESADDLE / VELCRO
ww
w
w
w
w

Ev
j
J
w
w
w

stream
mf
SIDESADDLE / VELCRO
Try
ton
Street
are
Comp
end - less
Old
is
rife
rife
worlds
worlds
ww
w
meet
j

J
w
ww
meet
Old
Old
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
Street
w
w
Street
No. 2
Wishing For The Normal

CUE: ROBBIE: I just want to wake up beside the same man for the next thirty years.
VELCRO: . . . So do I. Someone to tell me I'm doing alright.

ROBBIE: Someone to tell me when I'm being a twat.
VELCRO: You're being a twat.
ROBBIE: Yeah, but not you.
VELCRO: I've never wanted a lot. Just my own special someone. And a father for Becky.
# Easy
2
& 2 ..
5
&
9
&
VELCRO
Just
im
Some - one
# j
&
# j
&
#
&
It's
27
had
im
pour
have
your
man,
j

wor
in
ry
as
Look - ing
up
Some - one's
Have - n't
nw
it's
him
life
you're
you
came in
with
Three
years
on,
Turn - ing
May - be
proud
mi
stand - ing
some
se
and
my
done
floor
j j

the dance
on
one

J J
with
..
out
the night
on
the
face
your corn - flakes
spent
to
ing
just
my
ag - ine
#
& J
Liv - ing
31
ag - ine
j j

Have - n't
&
Just
put
17
ROBBIE
j j

Have - n't
you
13
23
h = 100
round
one's
to
hair
and
your
he
hand
in
cat
share
there
there
there

J J
have
is
his
10
#
& J
Noth - ing

J J
35
that's
# j
&
41
VELCRO
Wish
#
& J
Wish -
ing
# j
&
45
Noth - ing
#
& J
Noth - ing
nw
cy
Tell
me
what's
wrong
with
fan
for
the
nor
mal
for
the
ing
ROBBIE
#
&
too
nor
too
ex
ex
mal
kind
of
kind
of
cess - ive
&
Hop - ing
for
Hop - ing
for
#
& j

ex
the
hum

the
hum
drum
Oth - ers
# j
&
Oth 57
#
& J
Wish -
seem
to
it
Tell
me
it
Tell
me
ers
# j
&
Wish
seem
to
find
for
the
for
the
ing
ing
find
nor
mal
nor
mal
treme
that
j

why
on
why
on
treme
aim
ing
Is
53
that
Is
ex
drum
dream
or
49
dream
or
that?
cess - ive
too
aim
ing
high?
can't
I?
earth
I?
can't
kind
of
kind
of
dream
.
J J
dream
high?
j j
.
earth
# j
&
61
Trou - ble
#
& J
Trou - ble
#
& j
I
# j
&
Am I
#
&
is
hard
they're
is
65
Am
j j

too
too
&
75
&
78
&
wish
they
than
seem
they
bi - tious?
Am
ing
for
<n>w
too
ing
for
too
seem
Am
bi - tious?
VELCRO: Who is it?
out
of
touch?
out
of
touch?
w
much?
w
%
much?
ROBBIE's phone rings. His face lights up.
than
er
er
Am
wish
hard
# b
am
am
69
Am
they're
11
ROBBIE: It's him! Hello . . .
####
UNDERSCORE SECTION
##
&##
81
# ##
&#
85
##
&##
89
VELCRO: Ask about the brother.
..
.
.
..
.
.
.
...
ROBBIE (cont'd): Yeah sure I'd love to. Usual time. By the lions.
.
...
ROBBIE (Cont'd): Alright. Go. Go . . .
.
..
.
ROBBIE: Shush! No not you. I'm just at work.
.
...
j
.
...
ROBBIE hangs up.
..
.
12
##
&##
93
##
&##
..
.
.
##
&##
##
& # # ..
115
.
..
.
VELCRO
&
Sit - ting
on
#
& J
Liv - ing
#
& J
Feel- ing
with

J J
I
am
.
...
Like
those
leath - er
in
some
rea
one
so
- fa
Bab - ies
nw
Not
some
sad
al
on
on

J J
boun - cing
when
ad - verts
Lov - ing
son
- ne
n
w
ww
las - ag
fake
..
.
nw
nnw
ww
ing
cook
our

J J
ROBBIE
- ag - ine
im
.
...
.
...
ROBBIE: (Cont'd): Then when I do see him, I just want more . . .
ROBBIE: Cro! Leave it!
ww
w
w
VAMP - if needed
ROBBIE: I mean it's hard to get together. He's so busy - it's texts. It's Skype.
#
&
Just
131
ROBBIE: Yes. I really like him. It's just so hard.
ROBBIE
127
.
...
VELRO Spare me the details!
119 mf
w
ww
w
VELCRO: You really like him don't you?
123
n
w
ww
VELCRO: Feeding time?
..
.
.
##
&##
111
nw
nnw
ww
ww
w
w
103
107
VELCRO: By the lions! What is he a zoo keeper? ROBBIE 'Cro, Leave it.
VELCRO: I never knew zookeepers earned that much. ROBBIE: You'll meet him when the time is right.
99
##
&##
my
..
knee
can
so
ran
n
n n#
#
&
VELCRO
137 mp
Just
&
mow
ing
Just
ag - ine

break
fast
j

in
#
&
145
Just
im - ag - ine
do
the school
ff
Wish
bb w
E
& b b
Wish
ff
bb b
& b
157
Hop - ing
for
bb b
& b
Hop
- ing
bb b
& b j

for
the
hum

the
hum
ag - ine
own
ping
some corn
drum
me
bb

& b b J J
Oth - ers
seem
to
find
it
Tell
me
shed
nbb b
b
gold - fish
nbb b
b
Is
ing
for pic - nics
Is
ing

J
-
aim
ing
that
aim
ing
j
that
ing
Wish
Tell
find
pop
ing
it
to
im
seem
Just
drum
ag - ine
Keep
run
Oth - ers
161
ing
im
Wish
Just
ing
Go
149
bed
ing
bb b
& b
mp
ROBBIE
im
the lawn
141
&
ag - ine
#
&
&
im
13
ing
high?
.
J
why oh why oh why can't
high?
.
J
I?
I?
14
bb b
& b J
165
Wish
bb b
& b J
Wish bb
& b b J
169
ing
for
the

J
ing
Trou - ble
is
bbb J
b
&
Trou - ble
nor
the
is
mal
for

J

J
nor
mal
they're
hard
they're
hard
kind
of
kind
dream
of
dream
er
than
they
er
than
they
seem
seem
VELCRO
173
mf
b
& b bb j
Go - ing
177
ROBBIE
b
& b bb J
Eat - ing
bb b
& b J
181
j j

J J
to
in
VELCRO
Am
bb
& b b J
Am
I
ROBBIE
bb b
& b #

J
too

J
too
185
Am
b b n
& b b
Am
night
n
I
n
I
rest
am
club
'rant
bi - tious?

J
Am
#
-
#
wish

J J
Am
bi - tious?
wish
Hap - py
b
-
Cin - e
am
j j

ing
out
of
touch?
out
of
touch?
mas
to
<b>w
and
such
go
dutch
for
too
ing
for
too
bb b
& b w
189
15
much?
bb b w
& b
much?
ROBBIE
197
bb
&b b
Just
mf
201
b
& b bb
im
ag
ine
clean
VELCRO
Just
205
b
& b bb
Just
ROBBIE
im
ag
ine
im
ag
plant
ine
ing
the
ing
hav
Vol
vo
rose
bush
ing
mort
gage
VELCRO
208
b
& b bb
Just
211
rall.
b
& b bb w
im
ag
ine
keep
ing
gold
ROBBIE: A goldfish?
VELCRO: Yeah. I won one once. At a funfair.
Throwing ping pong balls in a jam jar.
ROBBIE: You saddo!
fish
No. 2a
Wishing For The Normal Scene Change

TACET
16
No. 3
Spin
CUE: JAMES: That poster slogan reflects how I want to run London. With honesty.
WILLIAM: James . . .
With Tension q = 170
JAMES: We'll talk on the way.
4
& b4
JAMES
mf
&b
How can you go
&b
Plain
12
&b
-
15
wrong
with
talk - ing
ioned
that's
what
peo
Hid
den
by
play
it
How
smoke
est?
How
can
you
can
you
when
did
cli
Buzz words will
give
wrong
Since
of
go
screen
straight
& b b b
tend to win the race
in
&b
-
with
my
way
own
sim
way
to
to
lies
and
old
sleaze?
fash-
wait
in -
JAMES
How can you
truth
ple
be - come
che?
just have
de - cen - cy
WILLIAM: They all think

they can do it on their own.
19
24
ple want
est?
&b
prom - ised that I'd
hon
go wrong with hon -
ask
you

27
&b
what
is
there
30
& b j
ment
33
for
And
who
made
serv
de
ants
we
more
re
ar - ro - gance
they're
far
job
a - bove
re
quire
-
lect?
Who
Some - how
serve
hall
don - ers
pub - lic
ci - ty
37
the
&b
think that once in
& b b
Lon
gain?
to
17
it
all
2
2
spect
WILLIAM
41
2
& b2
45
&b
49
&b
53
&b
bSASHA
&
57
mf
At
the end
Spin
the
day
it's
oars - man
I'll
steer
you
You
may
be
Down
stream
the
to
vict
spin
spin
all
a - bout
That
dream
out
of
out
of
Through
all
the
big
re - mem - ber
ice
con
trol
con
trol
box
the
I'm
in
off
cross
but
'ry
OFFICE WORKERS
of
Spin
& b
cox

de -
bates
waits
j
.
j
.
think
18
b
&
61
Sign
&
Sign
b
&
64
the
pa
per
the
pa
per
b
&
b
& .
68
work
and
sell
tor
eve
j
.
doc
tor
eve
til
til
you
your
your
word
ry
you
ry
word
soul
soul
you
say
you
win
the
win
the
say
day
day
NARRATOR: With that, and a modicum of tastefully applied make-up for the cameras, James is off to the TV studios
for another round of gruelling interviews from a variety of forgettable presenters sitting on an array of tasteless sofas
VAMP
..
(vocals first time only)
..
which go some way to explain why DFS has a sale on every day of the year.
73
&b
4
4
JAMES
4
& b4
How
78
doc
.
& b . w
75
sell
j
.
un
and
un
Spin
b .
& .w
71
Spin
& b .
work
Spin
Spin
&b
can
you
go
prom - ise
wrong
mine
with
hon
est?
will
look
a - head
j

How
can
you
con - done
And
when
was
turn - ing
av - ar - ice
blind
de - creed
eyes?
an
art

82
&b
form?
85
&b
iss
I'll
- ues
& b b
mayor
of
Lon
cor
rup
like these have
89
en - sure
to
tion
is
will
fate
But
as
2
2
the
But
must first choose my
have
mp
out
Vot - ers
stamped
wait
don
19
clout?
WILLIAM
93
2
& b2
At
97
&b
105
the
day
it's
We're
b
&
of
Cre - ate
101
&b
the end
op
buil
ding
por - tu
your
Great
quotes
ni - ty,
Ooo
ENS. MEN
bw
& p
Ooo
bb b
& b
109 ENSEMBLE WOMEN
wait
earn
votes
hance
n.
til
it
knocks
it
in
stant
suc
the
press
box
In
un
bbbb
cess
bbbb
w
w
bbbb
Ooo
bw
w
Ooo
Spin
ENSEMBLE MEN
b b
b
&
b
Spin
don't
in
cross
En
file
ENS. WOMEN
&b w
a - bout
pro
all
j
n
J
spin
spin
at
at
eve
eve
ry
ry
..
j
J
.
.
turn
turn
20
bb b
& b
112
Com
bb
& b b
j
J
Com
b b
&b b
116
Spin
bbb
b
&
120
124
b
& b bb
cen
cy
crash
b..
j
J
can
crash
and
burn
j ..
j
nJ
n j .
.
J
that
im
that
im
j j

j
b
J
j j
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b
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Keep
Make sure
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b
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cy
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de
Spin
bb b .
& b .
cen
Keep
de
n
mon
mon
the
that
can't
dirt
can't
j
J
clean
and
stick
w
w
w
w
b
& b bb
mp
This fundraiser is not just about you squeezing money out of people, it's about having the right people there
131
b
& b bb
who you can squeeze in the future. WILLIAM: And... LORD BELLINGHAM: And you and I may not share
135
bb
&b b
slick
slick
stick
industry tycoon Lord Bellingham. LORD BELLINGHAM: William, I'm looking at this guest list.
127
burn
and
..
NARRATOR: William receives a phone call from one of the main sponsors of the Mayoral campaign,
clean
age
dirt
the
..
age
and
21
the same idea about who is the right sort of person. My money, my office, my guest list. Agreed?
139
b
& b bb
b
& b bb
mf
bb
&b b w
ENSEMBLE
The people at this 'do' could make or break this campaign.
pp
Spin
Spin
pp
bb
& b b w
Spin
bb b w
& b
w
Spin
mp
149
WILLIAM: Agreed. LORD BELLINGHAM: Last push before the nominations close.
142
145
Spin
Spin
bb w
& b b
Spin
mp
Spin
bb b fw
& b
153
nw
w
Spin
w
w
gliss.
Spin
bb w
& b b
Spin
f
nw
w
w
w
gliss.
Spin
b f.
&
Spin
WILLIAM
157
Spin
b
&
Spin
spin
spin
ENS. MEN
spin
ENS. WOMEN
b
&
nnnb
spin
out
out
of
of
con
con
j
J
.
.
trol
trol
nnnb
22
bw
&
160
&b
Sign
the
the
164
the
& b
172
mp
Spin
un
mp
Spin
un
na
pay
ENSEMBLE MEN
na
j j

j
b
pay
you
til
work
and
sell
..
work
and
your
your
sell
tor
eve
tor
eve
ry
your
soul
word
you
win
word
web
mf
web
mf
web
the
day
you
for
for
for
say
j j

j j

Sell your
day
the
say
j
J
..
ry
soul
j
J
..
j .
.
J
win
you
soul
spin
Spin
Spin
..
j .
Spin
j j

mf
sell
til
ENSEMBLE MEN
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
& b
er
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
WILLIAM
&b
..
& b<n>.
b
&
pap
Doc
168
& b ..
and
Spin
b w
&
er
Doc -
pap
Spin
& b
work
spin
Spin
per
Sign
b
&
pa
Sign
& b
soul,
Sell your
in
in
in
web
gon -
#
the
web
gon -
it's
web
it's
soul,
#
the
#
the
&b
spi
f
175
&b
spi
der
der
en
der
en
snare
his
prey
snare
his
prey
snare
his
prey
will
will
& b
spi
poco rit.
will
en
23
Freely
WILLIAM
178 mp
&b
Spin
un
til
you
win
&b w
Day
the
ENSEMBLE WOMEN
ENSEMBLE MEN
bb..
Spin
b..
Spin
185
Quick h = 90
gliss.
bw
&
& b
182
&b
b
J
b
J
spin
spin
spin
spin
24
No. 4
Gypsies Of The Ether

CUE: NARRATOR: Robbie is found beside one of the lion's paws.
Having just listened to a phone message ROBBIE starts to write a text.
# #6
&#8
Ethereal q. = 70
ROBBIE
##
&#
Does - n't
##
&#
Gyp
sies
##
&#
it
Sec - re
##
&#
17
Build
##
&#
21
Bold
ing
##
& # .
what
# # .
&#
31
choose
##
& # .
37
mp
You
the
li
pic
to
share
my
feel
just
how
much
are
ing
Flirt
In
which
no
way?
what
we
say
on
the
screen
can
be
seen
one
.
.
and
ly
in
my
this
thoughts
n
J
ing
in
Safe
ing
in - ner
Typ
ture
ons
up
ais
ther
Talk
en - ough
26
strange
tive
seem
of
13
the
re

J J
in - ti - mate stran - ger
know - ledge
.
-
can
veal
n.
You
are
my
##
& # .
43
n.
a - way
friend
far
##
&#
48
high
way
##
&#
53
##
&#
Gyp
##
&#
sies
63
Keep - ing
of
our
the
And
the
selves
hid
##
&#
for
mom
of
71
May
be
##
& # .
76
fan
ta
in - hib
Free
but
in
life
You
linked by
we
gets
hurt
send
ther
Wand - er
den
be
be - hind
we
can
be
.
are
n
J
my
font
who
we
want
in
the
ab
ti - mate
stract
can't
this
in
space
just
in
lieve
the
place?
this
ers
Safe
Meeting in
Some - one
ate
sy
mp
##
& # .
ent
87
souls
mes - sag - es
tion
## .
&#
81
##
&#
67
JAMES
Two
No - bod - y
59
25
be

J J
stran - ger
.
You
cre -
26
##
& # n.
92
are
my
##
& # .
97
far
linked
by
high
n.
a - way
friend
way
##
& # .
And
the
..
send
souls
##
& #
j
n
ger
# # .
& # n.
112
..
You
friend
..
are
souls
linked
JAMES
in - ti - mate
far
a - way
by
high
n..
Two
..
my
..
we
my
nn
are
n..
.
.
mes - sag - es
You
108
Two
Upper - ROBBIE
Lower - JAMES
101
stran
way
poco accel.
## .
& # .
117
ROBBIE
and
the
mes - sag - es
and
Passionately q. = 80
the
##
& # n..
n..
es
.
.
ROBBIE runs across the Square

and into JAMES' arms.
we
.
.
.
.
send
mes - sag - es
ff
121
BOTH
and
the
mes
..
-
sag
They kiss.
rit.
.
.
Slower q. = 70
BOTH
##
&#
128
Does - 't
it
seem
strange
rall.
# # ..
&#
133
eth
..
er
meet - ing
in
this
way?
Gyp
j

sies
of
the
JAMES: "A week without

you seems like forever."
..
..
..
REPEAT AND FADE
..
27
No. 4a
Gypsies Of The Ether - Tag

CUE: ROBBIE: The leader of the opposition. "How's that going? I can always help . . . "
JAMES: Oh, Robbie. (beat) Look you heard . . .
JAMES hugs ROBBIE ROBBIE (breaking the hug): You've got to go.
# #6
&#8
Etherial q. = 70
##
&#
##
& # .
ROBBIE: Couple of days.
pp
##
& # .
are
..
..
## .
& # .
##
.
& # <n>.
JAMES
mp
the
n n..
and
the
stran
n
a
ger
.
n.
way
friend
linked
by
high
the
mes - sag - es
mf
and
way
. n
mes - sag - es
BOTH
ti - mate
ROBBIE
.
.
far
souls
and
25
in
..
my
Two
21
my
n..
.
.
You
##
& # .
n
J
are
Upper - ROBBIE
Lower - JAMES p
17
Go!
JAMES
You
13
JAMES: Couple of days?
mes
n.
.
-
sag
.
.
n.
.
es
we
ff
.
.
send
.
.
..
28
No. 5
I'm So Over Men

CUE: DANA: You're like a bowling ball you.
CLODAGH: Bowling ball?
DANA: Yeah, picked up, fingered, thrown back down the alley.
CLODAGH: I tell you, I'm getting too old for this game. Too many disappointments.
DANA: Maybe we should give 'em up altogether.
Bitterly q = 130
b 4
& b bb 4
DANA
mp
bb
&b b
wish
they'd
in - vent
b
& b bb
nic - or - ette
Just
slap
patch
j
b
it
how would
14
b
& b bb
b
& b bb
fill
Right
17
sud - den - ly
pass
##
&##
in
the
old
in
bull
in
my
gone
is
give
wrong
Mis
ter
They're
n ##
j n nn # #
on
men
But
crap!
to nights
up
the
lap
Fare - well
are
al - ways
love
the
pull
Faster q = 154
# ##
&#
25
of
Fall - ing
21
load
me
poco pi mosso
It's
help
crav - ings
then?
night
Your
lands
j
bj
shits who
days
on
my
Who
To
11
b
& b bb
I'm
so
ov
##
&##
as
for
29
And
# ##
&#
33
Some
er
men

the
sex
There's
seem
hot
till
the
rum - py
pump
starts
don't
need
al - ways
D.
Then
I.
guy
Y.
they're
not
worth
the
##
&##
36
sum
of
their
parts
##
&##
39
it
and
Lie
scream
a - gain
##
&##
47
I'm
so
50
b
& b bb
b
& b bb b
Re - hab
to
give
56
to
the
shame
poco pi mosso
b
& b bb
b
& b bb
may - be
59
I'll
find
up
bb
&b b
pants!
67
&
####
I've
ov
er
j

I
have
could
men!
join
guys who don't
look
ing
it
be - fore
said
im - pressed
Fake
and
I'll
say
Just
shag
Aw - ay
ging
from
go
great lengths
to
on
say
your
non - y - mous
group
j
b
name
Face
gain
Then
ra
ges
and
Fall - ing
it's
the
j
b
now
an
##
nnnn # #
From
strengths
j
#
Con - fess you've been
Try
best!"
men
Of
63
53
up
wish
back
Bitterly q = 130
nnnnbb b
b
CLODAGH
your
"You're the
##
&##
on
42
it
29
clear
I'll
in
have
so
is
lo
Faster q = 154
72
Talk
I'm
eer
# ##
&#
ing
so
ov - er
through their
arse
men
Brag - ging they're top
Think - ing
with their
crotch
notch
rants
love
car -
30
##
&##
76
How
dread
each
# ## j
&#
79
know
j j

aren't
# ##
&#
for
The
fam - il
mine
82
toi
let
ro - mance
Not
##
&##
91
&
95
&
99
a - gain
I'm
so
&
107
&
&
er
men!
said
in
bed
that
on
the
soap
it
be - fore
As
and
I'll
say
nnnn
CLODAGH: Ah, Robbie Shitty Shirtlifter - just in time. Service wash. Low temperature.
DANA Thats' quality schmutah, that is. Don't shrink it. ROBBIE picks up a G-string from the bag
ROBBIE: I think somebody already did. CLODAGH: I don't know why Dad didn't just kick you out when your Mum died.
You're like a milestone around his neck. ROBBIE: It's millstone. And Les is no father of mine. CLODAGH: Whatever.
Point is you and the scrubber ain't got long. DANA: Basically . . . CLODAGH: At the end of the day . . .
>
>.
DANA: I'm not being funny . . . CLODAGH: Or nuffin . . .
DANA throws a thong at ROBBIE, who exits.
110
j
#
I've
ov
There's pubes
hope!
up
&
103
Farts
seat's
They emerge on the pavement with their bag of laundry.

ROBBIE approaches and they spot him. They thrust the laundry in his face.
Pi mosso q = 164
sign
ar
##
&##
89
85
it
>
J
BOTH: Sling your hook!
>.
>
DANA
mf
bj
If
>
bbbb

113
b
& b bb b
they had
jab
give
CLODAGH
116
b
& b bb
it
stab
b j
Pain - less
and
stead
##
&##
123
the
BOTH
I'm
so
ov
##
&##
127
Those
CLODAGH
Act
##
&##

er
us
down
like
ice
but
then
try
## j
&##
137
fronts
## j
&##
140
cans
to
to
No
foot
Do
and
I'll
say
im - mune
lit - tle
prick
to
men
BOTH
In -
They laugh raucously.
##
nnnn # #
to
think
don't
miss
when
pissed
DANA
Fags
#j
so!
DANA
Cold
piz
them?

it
a - gain
in
vice:
wear
za
BOTH
Do
we
the
ad
missed
My
they're
what they've
watch
know
ball
we
# ##
& # #
be - fore
melt
143
it
to
not
CLODAGH
chuck
wash
Don't
belt
one
'spec - 'ly
men
Just
make me
ten!
chas - ti - ty
said
al
quick
134
us
who've turned
##
&##
131
of
To
119
b
& b bb
I'd
31
sink
Y -
crusts
and
fuck!
I'm
so
Beer
I've
ov
er
men!
32
##
&##w
146
##
&##
150
DANA
##
&##
154
##
&##
No
more
##
&##
preg
nan - cy tests
No
more
ov
No
more
"I'm
No
more
"My
mf
BOTH
..
No
more
## j
& # # J n
er - night guests
go -
meet
##
&##
172
j

wife
"Can't
j
n
J
169
ing bald"
my
moth
.
.
j
n
J
No
more
"Made
# ##
& # #
it
men
we
No
more
No
more
No
more
No
more
each
gain
w
w
..
No
more
w
w
oth
need
get -
bites
tions
n
J
need
hands
"Here's
small por -
love
tions
ing
pre - cau
hi
ding
n
J
that
for
friends?"
j
n
J
be
er"
for
just called"
j
n
J
A tempo q = 164
w
w
rall.
175
##
&##
CLODAGH
162
178
#
DANA
mp
##
&##
CLODAGH
158
166
need
guid
.
.
No
more
ing
j
n
J
"First
where
it
ends"
dictated
Uj j f
J #
J
u
-
er"
I've
said
it
be - fore
I'm
so
ov
w
w
and
I'll
say
"
er
No. 5a
33
I'm So Over Men (Reprise)

CUE: CLODAGH & DANA: "Oh yes we will."
Freely
DANA
##4
& # #4
mp
You're
##
&##
CLODAGH
Nev
all
er
had
##
&##
BOTH
One
ver
Like
mayor
Fit
last
fling
then
we'll
call
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& # # j
it
12
have it
way
This might
##
& # #
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& # #
19
I'm
23
# ##
&#
hall
And, in
ver
ver
ver
gon - na
get
"
3
4
ver
my
leg
ov - er
num - ber
we'll

to
his
par - ty
ver
ver
A tempo q = 164
ver
te
then
bling
some
Go
chance
time,
love a
j 4
J 4

I'm
- ver
37
men
Give
men
##
& # #
##
&##
ver
ci - ty
so
28
33
To - day
one
cash
Buy
j #
dance
be the
day
of
loads
rash
with
flam - ing
Slower
##
& # # n
16
have
some
men
Picking up pace q = 140

9
Men!
n>
ver
34
No. 6
Remember Us
CUE: MARILYN: That bad.
MARILYN: But that was the deal. Remember?
# #6
&#8
Colla voce
JAMES: Yes, I do. It seems like a lifetime ago.
#
J
With Movement q. = 65
MARILYN
##
&#
###
&
10
mp
Re - mem - ber
MARILYN
when
&
our
heads
were
mp
### j j

don't
###
deals
Then
j
#
how
some - how
that
feels
plus
mem - ber
us
24
###
Re - mem - ber
when
you
dreamt
you'd
be
like
Re -
j
.
ev' ry - thing's
re
mem - ber - when
###
&
&
big
re - mem - ber
Re - mem - ber - then
&
of
But when you're young
20
full
### .
&
JAMES
14
Re - mem - ber then
###
&
###
&
Ro - bin
Hood
###
&
28
35
Re - mem - ber then
&
###
###
&
32
###
&
We'd
talk
for
37
know
not
of
Some
all
hours
### .
&
big
it
world
cri
was
j
.
#
to
dis - cuss
good
sis
Re - mem - ber - when
###
&
42
Strange
that
you
###
&
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&
46
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&
.
No
###
& .
50
.
de
and
.
Ne
ver
j
# n
have
to
try
re mem - ber
Some - how
us
we
mud - dle
through
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it
You
just
way
with
words
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###
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& .
&
seem
to
fit
like
an
old
com
fy
shoe
.
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#.
the best
.
arse
In
your whole
36
###
&
56
60
mail
won't
###
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68
phone
Yes
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&
Yes
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b .
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Look
f
It
was
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big - ger
than
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at
us
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at
dot
com
Eve
us
dot
com
Eve
ry
.
-
ry
that
Your
mo - bile
bus
mo - bile
phone
The
doubt - ing
sig - nal
re - mem - ber
Re -
re - mem - ber
bus
doubt - ing
said
wrong
you
was
long
grew
My
you
on?
then
big - ger
was
this
### # .
&
mem - ber-when
f
catch
was
it
it
mem - ber-when
76
bb
& .
Re - mem-ber
64
72
gone
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& j
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& #
Re - mem - ber when
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nerds
mul - let?
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of
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&

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&
class
&
Pi mosso
was
rub - bish
Re -
nnnbb
nnn b
b
us
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us
Tom
Said
that
we'd
nev
Tom
Said
that
we'd
nev
er
last
er
last
bb
&
80
&
bb .
Still
I'm
bb
& .
85
hand
&
bb .
hand
stuck on
in
glove
your
com - fy
in
shoe
You're
my
las - to - plast
We
go
#.
mf
mf
And
glove
still
seem
still
love
we
The
We
go
per - fect
.
team

The
So
seem
we
And
b .
& b
in
in
per - fect
.
team
ma - ny
years
love
bb
&
99
j j

But
Laugh - ter
bb
&
103
eve - ry - thing''s
b

& b
eve - ry - thing's
108
I'm
you
91
bb
&
bb .
&
b .
& b
37
and
when you're
young
tears
Then
But
plus
Re -
when
you're
.
n
some - how
young
MARILYN: Now come to bed . . .
mem - ber when?
nj
plus
Re -
JAMES: One more email and I'll be up. Promise.

MARILYN: It's been a while.
b
. .
& b b
mem-ber then
"
Slowly
Re - mem - ber
Meno mosso
"
A Tempo
.
us
" " .
Re - mem - ber
us
.
.
Slower rall.
38
No. 6a
Old Compton Street (Reprise)
CUE: VELCRO: How much is there?
ROBBIE: I... dunno. You count it. VELCRO counts the money as ROBBIE reads the card.
Elsewhere LORD BELLINGHAM appears in a spotlight.
LORD BELLINGHAM
## 4Dark brooding q = 90
& 4
#
& # b
like

to
#
& # b
high
have
time
our
re
you
here
with
think
la - tion
one
needs
to
know
b
& b b
sor
- did
lit - tle
me
de - tails
ship
Be
j

the
truth

we're
came
far
less
The
way
in
which
n n
In
time
can
quite
we
mp
I'd
b
& b b
no
for - get
well
di
lu
sui - ted
ted
j
b
we
It's
nnbb
And
met
The
rall.
nn##
No. 6a Old Compton Street (Reprise)
#
&#
12
LORD B: Robbie, I hope I havent misjudged our situation, but the time we spend together is the highlight of any week.
#
&#
#
&#
A Tempo q = 90
14
16
39
LORD B: Id like more of it and my hope is that you would too. Im hosting an event tomorrow night at the office and Id like you to join me.
LORD B: Its a black tie affair and, as it will be a late night, Id like you to stay over.
#
&#
18
nnbb
LORD B: Ive taken the liberty of informing Prada in Sloane Street to expect you. Its all on account.
Just choose something nice. The enclosed is a little something for you.
20
b b
&b
Slow q = 80
24
b
&b
27
b
&b
mf
b
&b
There
won't share you
so
Poco Pi mosso q = 90
30
LORD BELLINGHAM
are
ways

to
beat
think
change
rall.
can't bear you
worth
Old
try
Comp - ton
on Old Comp - ton Street
rall.
j
R
I
don't rent
what I
A Tempo q = 90
w
Street
can
buy
rall.
40
No. 7
It's Hard To Tell

CUE: VELCRO: Gay, straight, bi, married, gay-married,
Arthur, Martha, Grindr, Tinder. It does me head in.
Freely q = 90
VERSE
VELCRO (cont'd):
Now . . . take him for instance.
4
& b 4 ..
VELCRO
j ..
To
&b
mit they're get - ting har - der
to
me
it's quite clear
spot
He
has
to
be queer
Un - less they're scream - ing
But I'll ad -
"out
and
proud"
Or
Dm RIFF
8
&b
singing
show
tunes way
11
&b
too
loud
j
&b
these
22
&b
Ev
26
&b
falls
30
days
hard
to
to
the
So
ho
That
once
some
bar
in
where
to
to
tell
be
twixt
the
the
ho - mos
prin - ces
was
cli - ent
gay
guys
from
from
the
hets
strict
what...
the
gay
guys
from
from
the
queens
ly
no
ele
mixed
the
that's
straight
He's
the straight
go
Now
It's
these
j j

With
tell
who's in - to
tell
tell
hard
hard
hard
'ry
say
& b .
& b .
to
2nd Dm CHORUS
34
it's
like
would - n't
1st Dm CHORUS
It's
17
Tempo q = 180
days
It's
hot - ter
than
was - a -

39
&b
-
44
bi
But does
he
Dm RIFF
&b
love
Ken or
Bar
smoo
56
b
&b
Then
j

in
con
He
is
65
b
&b
ver
minc
sat
ing
more
78
b
&b
fine
bb
&
82
VELCRO
ROBBIE
b
& b .
hard
it's
for
tea
and
It's
hard
Guc
for
not
plac - ing
Comes
an
va
no
the
Which
bowls
But
tell
for
which team
the
gay
guys
from
the
gay
guys
from
at
the
gay
guys
from
rough
en
does
the
ov

J J
he
the straight
er
the straight
these
It's
bat?
these
That's
straight
the
ion
maid
dia - monds from
er
rath
el
words
chat
rev
his
tell
the
just
birds
tell
Act - ing
to
ci
hard
to
ing
tell
pull
than

to
in
toe
hard

to
to
ion
j

Cas
1st Gm CHORUS
It's
play
j

-
I'm
type
ROBBIE
b
j
& b J
these
days
b
&b
Both
the
69
74
Seems
60
b
&b
chy
Well
VELCRO
Head
b
& b .
bie?
bb
bets
51
B flat major BRIDGE
41
days
days
It's
42
bb
&
86
&
It's
hard
to
bb .
90
hard
b
&b
Some
ROBBIE
love
93
b
&b
100
ROBBIE
bb
&
104
to
tell
tell
top
less
Well
dis
co
bun
in
ev
the
one
in
ev
Oth - ers

i - cal
bb
&
108
he's
worth
ny
Tans
ROBBIE
bb
&
112
squeeze
fling
'ry
ten
dream
of
when it's
ru -
on
Abs
not
sun
as
if
he's

J
-
.
worth
you
see
he
wears

J
a
could
ny
j

a
wed
ding
ring
b
fling
grate
J
you
slip -
by
VELCRO
J
cheese
on
VELCRO
b
& b
Then
b
J
& b
Jeans he has
to
ten
men?
Looks
b
& b
Looks as if
'ry
of
ROBBIE
Gm RIFF
pers
typ -
one
that
the
ain't
strip

the
ers
b
&b
Quite
wed - ding

116
b
&b
ring
Don't
mean
43
thing!
DANCE REMIX
BEGINS
120 Club Beat h = 122
b
&b
VELCRO sampled and cut up from track
125
b
&b w
131
b
&b
137
b
&b
#J nJ

b
&b
Don't mean a
n
J
156
#
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n
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n
>
>
>
n #
thing!
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>
>
>
>
b b b
ring
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Full out Feel
b b.
&b
b
&b
wed - ding
144
150
n
J
>
>
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J
BAND
#J nJ

n
J

VELCRO
It's
b
&b
b
&b
ROBBIE
ENSEMBLE Women
It's
It's
b
& b
ENSEMBLE Men
It's
44
bb
& .
DRIVING CLUB BEAT
160
hard
to
b .
&b
hard
to
to
b .
& b
hard
168
b
& b
172
b
& b #
wrink
b
&b
their
their
re
re
J
-
flec
flec
J
-
flec
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their
dare
dare
It's
hard
re
to
to
flec
tion
For
tion
For
the
tion
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the
tion
the
For
show
the
They
show
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to
hard
to
slight - est
im
per
slight - est
im
per
j

J
slight - est
im
per
tell
tion
fec
tion
tion
fec
j
J
fec

J J

J J
#
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moist - ur
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fec
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tion
>
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them
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im
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hard
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b
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tell
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to
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tell
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bb
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So
It's
It's
It's
bb
& .
hard
to
tell
176
b .
&b
hard
to
tell
b
& b .
hard
to
tell
b ..
& b
hard
to
hard
to
tell
b .
&b
hard
to
tell
b
& b .
hard
to
tell
b ..
& b
hard
b
&b
184
b b
&b
Mak
b
&b
Mak
b
& b
Mak
ing
ing
ing
ing
to
tell
sure
sure
sure
the
gay
guys
from
the
guys
from
the
the
gay
guys
from
the
gay
..
they're
they're
b
J
they're
pret
pret
pret
straight
Which
way
that
they're
in
way
that
they're
in
Which
way
that
they're
in
way
that
these
these
these
these
they're
in
ty
ty
ty
days
it's
days
it's
days
it's
For
For
For
clined
ty
#.
it's
clined
days
clined
clined
Which
..
the
.
-
straight
.
-
Which
pret
straight
from
guys
straight
gay
the
they're
the
sure
..
tell
180
bb
& .
Mak
45
For
46
bb
&
188
night
b
&b
night
b
&b
night
b
& b
night
bb
&
out
on
b
&b
both
b
&b #w
w
the
ci
ty
on
the
ci
ty
ty
.
n.
out
on
out
on
the
ci
the
ci
have
one
have
one
mp
Oo
b
& b w
w
Oo
197
have
b
&b w
have
b
&b w
have
b
& b w
have
on
one
thing
on
their
w
w
on
their
one
thing
on
their
one
thing
one
mind
w
w
mind
ff
Where
both
ff
Where
both
ff
Where
both
ff
Where
both
w
w
w
w
w
w
on
mind
their
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
thing
on
their
mind
mind
mind
No.7a
CUE: APPLAUSE on No. 7
Where
their
w
w
Where
n#w
w
mp
bb
& w
thing
ty
thing
out
192
both
It's Hard To Tell Fade

TACET
47
No. 8
You Shall Go To The Ball

CUE: 'VELCRO: Well, let your face know!
VELCRO
Irresistible q = 142
b4
&b 4
mf
You
b
&b
I'll take you
b
&b
for
carr - iage waits
12
b
&b
just
step
in
side
kins
Nor
needs
veg
b
&b w
ver
price
24
b
&b
min
Yes
you
b
&b
is
up
for grabs
shall
b
You've
go
shall
got
to

the
best
of
cabs
the
can't
Cin - der - el - la
ball
mice
j
.
lu - cky fel - la
do
tricks
with
But
who
the
ball
to - night
CLODAGH: Like someone's covered you in Pritt Stick and rolled you through Accessorize.
half
SIDESADDLE
Cin - der-el - la
I'll get you there
.
I
pump-
J .
for
Your
me
to the ball
go
ball
SIDESADDLE
white
you've got
to
from
the
go
ses
shall
to
When
You
27
b
&b
hor
SIDESADDLE + VELCRO
19
31
go
and
no
15
b
&b
Yes you
ride
shall
can tell
al - right
lot
DANA: Clo, how do I look?
No. 8 You Shall Go To The Ball
48
35
b
&b
CLODAGH
39
could use
b
&b
a - noth
CLODAGH
Se - cond
42
b
&b
thoughts
b
& b .
.
I'll
have
sil
go
b
& b
ball
as
by
63
b
& b
tar
67
ted
up
LORD BELLINGHAM
&b
Those
71
Chan
who
raise
fit
an
eye
this
shade
BOTH
brow
ver
think
at
could
be
to
the
Yes
we
girl
the
BOTH
gloss
scrub
go
slim
two
for
age
#

&b
Need to keep
their
nose
from
my
af
fairs
-
ball
shall
him
DANA
My
mas - car -
j

-
bers
Could
have got
nb
well
two
for
ww
this
the
shall
lip
it
.
.
fight
DANA
of
.
.
na
leys
Make
ne
CLODAGH
and
quite
gon
look - ing stel - lar
You'd
.
.
You
..
love
el
look - ing
59
bai
white
the
Well
b
&b
to - night
Both
CLODAGH
BOTH
of
bints
BOTH
.
.
ly
DANA
leys
glass
to - night
to
cin - der - el - la
56
bai
CLODAGH
ton - ight
50
b
& b
of
.
.
53
pint
..
'cos
er
BOTH
DANA
prince
Two
46
b
&b
DANA
gap

75
& b .
Gos
sips
may
80
&b
that
as
90
& b J
my belle a
talk
VELCRO
me
&b J
Sor
May - be
ROBBIE
one
be
the
what
I'd
107
ple
more par
know
MARYLIN
Here
we
go
Keep
smil
Cin
j
eJ E
just
it's
not
cle
der - el
to
did
gives
me
the
creeps
b b
A - bout pla - ces
ver
ball
let
you
one
sleeps
Do - ing
the
ROBBIE
la
go
nnb
cares?
How
tic - u - lar
this
is
not
choose
JAMES
shall
ver
you
He
b
&
this
who
arm
my
But
ball
j

Yes
on
twink
to
some trin - ket
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&b
charm
to
should
- ry
104
& b
ish
in
&b
&b J
ting
go
hand
100
da
shall
boy
I'm
#
n#
j
j
e e ne e
.

J e
J
#
& #
86
97
that
You
#
&#
With all
think
83
93
49
j

ing
gain
the
gol
WILLIAM
j j

This could
real
be
the
ly
den
#
J J
lit
mus
cou -
test
50
b
&
111
&
How
115
& b .
schmooz
did
ev
ROBBIE
119 mf
&b
How
b
&
122
sing
sure
le
you
talk
It's
not
ev
you
min
last
guest
me
ry
feel weak
j b
day
&b
Not
SIDESADDLE
hes
&b
with
you
go
part
peop - le
it - at
like
ing
at
the
knees
ing
SIDESADDLE
this
and
125
gle
in - to
VELCRO
w
b
&
128
ery
this!
let
b j
&
is
Make
MARILYN
WILLIAM
these
Can't
you
see
Come
your
on
carr
guys
iage
is
wait
en
ough
n##
ing
ALL Girls
ALL Boys
n##
You
& b
#
n#
You
## w
&
131
#
&#
shall
##
shall
Go where the
now
&
go
go
to
to
the
the
ball
ball
Go where the
Cin - der - el - la
Cin - der - el - la
Go where the
lights
are
lights
lights
are
are
bright
bright
bright
##
&
134
SIDESADDLE
Yes you shall
#
&#
ALL Girls
go
go
Yes you shall
##
&
138
j

Watch the
#
&#
Watch the
#
&#
##
&
Watch the
##
&
142
creme
## j

&
creme
ALL Boys
##
&
#
&#
&
##
They
ry
ter - a
de
ter - a
>
ter - a
ter - a
love
ball
We
can smell a
lot
We
can smell a
lot
We
can smell a
ti
glit
ti
glit
ti
glit
ti
glit
make
ter
ter
ter

that
ev'
ry
an
en
ry
w
nww
.
J J
w
w
eye
is
is
on
on
of
ten - sion here to - night
de
la
creme
Oo
The
The
trance
The
j

Know
them
j
J .
eye
Oo
creme
of
la
ev'
Oo
w
w
that
of
creme
#
J
ter
on
lot
..
J .
..
creme
# n
J
The nou - veau
w
w
of
lot
. J
is
Know - ing
. #J
to
eye
Know - ing
. J
can smell a
la
..
145
ev'
to the
glit
j j
.
de
go
#
& # j
. J
We
ball
ball
to the
glit
to the
go
glit
j
Watch the
glit
ball
to the
## Tenors
&
Baritones
j
##

&
Yes you shall
51
them
them
ing
that
You
bb
n
You
b
You
nn b
bb
nnbb
b
nn b
bb
52
Meno Mosso q = 136
bb
& b
149
ALL Girls
shall
go
b
&b b
shall
Tenors
Baritones
bbb b
&
shall go
152
b
&b b
b
& b b
b
& b b
b
& b b n
min - gle
bb
& b
the
to
ball
the
to
ball
Yes
you
Yes
you
Yes
you
And see
go
go
shall
go
LORD BELLINGHAM: Robbie.
gits
To
the
To
to
the
to
the
gits
if
the
glass
slipp -
er...
And see
if
the
glass
slipp -
er...
Go
for
night
Go
for
night
j
n
J
of
glitz
of
glitz
of
glitz
And
Cin - der -- el - la
And
Cin - der - el - la
And
com - plete - ly
off
your
b
bb b b
off
your
b b
get
get
com - plete - ly
w
w
w
w
q = 110
w
w
w
w
" w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
fits
Cin - der - el - la
" w
w
w
w
fits
night
ball
ball
ROBBIE: Awkward!
for
And
Go
ball
And
shall
Cin - der - el - la
rall.
with those pom - pous
JAMES: Robbie?
shall
Cin - der - el - la
Cin - der - el - la
j

the
with those pom - pous
ALL Boys
158
min - gle
ball
ALL Girls
to
bb
& b
155
go
bb
n
& b
tits
tits

J
END OF ACT I
53
No. 9
Entr'Acte
#4
& 4
5
&
9
&
13
&
#
&
nj
2 bar drum FILL
YOU SHALL GO Theme
nj

&
&
rit.
19
ALL Girls
nbb
b
You
Tenors
nb
bb
You
Baritones
You
nbb
b
No. 9 Entr'Acte
54
bb
& b
25
Meno Mosso q = 110
shall
b
&b b
shall
b
go
go
b
& b b
min - gle
ALL Boys
b
& b b n
min - gle
bb
& b
34
b <b>
& b b
the
to
ball
the
to
ball
the
Yes
you
Yes
you
Yes
you
with those pom
JAMES: Robbie?
pous
Cin - der - el - la
go
go
pous
shall
Cin - der - el - la
shall
accel.
Cin - der - el - la
shall
with those pom
b
&b b
ALL Girls
ball
28
31
to
bb
& b
bb
n
& b
go
b
& b b
shall
go
To
the
To
to
the
to
the
LORD BELLINGHAM: Robbie.
gits
gits
Go
for
night
Go
for
night
Go
for
night
ball
of
glitz
of
glitz
of
glitz
Cin - der - el - la
ball
And
ball
And
Cin - der - el - la
And
com - plete - ly
off
your
j
b
n bb b b
J
off
your
b b
And
get
And
get
com - plete - ly
And
see
if
the
glass
slipp
And
see
if
the
glass
b
slipp
tits
tits
"
"
er...
er...
SEGUE AS ONE No. 10 Who's That Boy?
55
No. 10
Who's That Boy?

CUE: SEGUE FROM ENTR'ACTE
### 4
& 4
FEMALE ENSEMBLE
Brightly q = 130
Who's
### 4
4
&
###
&
7
###
&
that
boy?
that
boy?
that
boy?
Who's
that
boy?
No doubt a young go
that
boy?
mp
that
to
Who's that
w
boy?
w
boy?
did
he
get - ter
Who's
that
boy?
that
boy?
. .
be

j

I'd
like
Who's
that
boy?
that
boy?
Who's
There has to
with
to know him
LORD BELLINGHAM: Robbie. Can I have a word?
boy?
come
boy?
who
be - gin
that
SOLO FEMALE
Who's that
mp
Who's
Who's
Who's
And
He's hand - some
bet - ter
###
&
Who's
16
20
Who's
###
&
boy?
###
###
that
Who's
###
&
&
12
&
###
&
. .
in
with?
MALE ENSEMBLE
Who's
. .
sto - ry
ALL
Who's that
Who's that
w
boy?
w
boy?
56
###
&
26
Who's
&
### .
SOLO MALE
Too tren - dy
###
&
30
for
ALL
pec - ted
Who's
###
&
Who's
that
boy?
###
&
###
&
that
boy?
He's clear - ly
that
boy?
It seems he
well con - nec - ted
the
way
he
Who's
boy?
that
boy?
MARILYN (cont'd): William? What's going on?

WILLIAM: I intend to find out.
mf
Did
you
saun - tered
43
ex -
that
ALL
was
boy?
###
&
###
###
&
see
&
boy?
41
leaves
boy?
Who's
Who's that
that
###
&
45
SOLO
Who's that
###
&
Who's
MARILYN:
James. Is everything OK?
34
###
&
to - ry
ALL
. .
SOLO
in
as
if
he
owned
the
place
Ex
He
ding
such
self
us
in
the
con
sha -
fi
dows
dence
Yet
no
like
one
knows
his
face
mo - men - t'ry
e - clipse
And
And
###
&
47
there
is
just one ques - tion that's on
ev'
###

&
there is just one ques - tion that's on
&b w
w
j
.
ry
ev'
ry
ww
bo - dies
lips
.
J
w
w
bo - dies
57
Who's
that
lips
nnnb
Who's
nnn
that
DANA: He's looking at me again. Oh please. Could he be more obvious.
51
w
w
boy?
bw
& w
boy?
w
w
56
CLODAGH: Get over yourself, it's me he's oggling. All these politicians like a bit on the side.
59
DANA: That James Prince is fit. WAITER: Stuffed olive? CLODAGH: Did he? Lucky Olive.
&b
.
.
. .
j

>. >.

.
.
&b
. .
j

>. >.

WILLIAM
63
&b
mp
Who's
67
& b .
ac
that
boy?
And
CLODAGH (to DANA): It's Robbie!
.
tion
&b
71
Who's
that
b
& .
trac
75
& b .
Dad
- tion
Who's
got mar - ried
to
his
boy?
And
CLODAGH & DANA
that
He's just
DANA: What's he doing here?
our
lit - tle
why
what
the strange
is
the
bro - ther
Cos
re -
at -
our
boy?
WILLIAM: So what's he doing . . . what are you doing here? Security!
CLODAGH: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
mo - ther
58
b
&
DANA: You've got questions. We've got answers. Call us.
81
FEMALE ENSEMBLE
mf
#
n##
Symp - tom
& b
MALE ENSEMBLE
mf
Symp - tom
###
&
86
full
of
crash - ing bores
###
&

full of crash - ing bores

###
&
89
bees
the
the
first sign
chase
af - ter the
###

&
chase af
###
& w
young
- ter the
young
of
fresh tal - ent
a - tic
of
blood
moths
Like
though
no
though
no
moths
these func - tions
is they're
these func - tions
is they're
the
Like
the
Like
flame
a - round
beat - ing down the doors
a - round
beat - ing down the doors
and they're
and they're
Like
blood
fresh tal - ent
hon - ey
They
flame
They
mf
one
knows
his
mf
one
knows
his
name
w
name
No
one knows his
94
### ww
&
name
91
of
hon - ey
of
The
a - round
first sign
a - tic
The
a - round
###
&
bees
###
&
##
n#
No
one
knows
his
name
ww
No
one
knows
his
name
nnn
w
w
ww
nnn
w
& w
97
59
w
w
FEMALE ENSEMBLE
Who's
w
w
&
105
boy?
His
..
&
boy?
108
ent - rance
tic
was
dram
Who's
that
w
w
w
w
boy?
a -
tic
a -
tic
Who's
that
boy?
..
Who's
that
boy?
bw
Both
cool
and
cool
and
Both
boy?
en - ig -
en - ig -
boy?
bw
w
that
Who's
that
Who's
that
? # .
.
j
#
.
j
.
j
boy?
n .
.
j
n
.
j
LORD B: Robbie? Is everything alright? You don't seem yourself

ROBBIE: No, I'm fine . . . I'm fine.
.
b
.
j
.
j
.
j
LORD B: You seemed nervous infront of James Prince, it's not like you, he's a mayoral candidate not royalty.
118
dram
that
w
w
was
Who's
& #w
w
115
ROBBIE is on the terrace. Having just taken his phone out ot

make a call he is interrupted by the arival of LORD BELLINGHAM.
111
&
tic
ent - rance
His

&
&
ma
MALE ENSEMBLE
Who's
.
&
ma
w
w
that
.
b
.
j
.
j
.j
.
j
#
60
121
125
129
133
137
ROBBIE: I know, I'm . . . I'm not really feeling myself. In fact, George I may have to go . . .
.
j
#
.
j
.j
.
b
.
j
LORD B: You don't have to do that. The apartment's upstairs. Why don't you go and have a lie down in my room.
.j
.
j
.
b
.
j
.
. nj
j
n .
.
j
#
b.
.j
.
j
ROBBIE: No George, I think it's better if I go.

LORD B: Wait a minute, Doctor Reid's here, he can have a look at you.
ROBBIE: No, George, I want to go.
.j
.
j
.
j
#
. n.
j J
n.
LORD B: This is a big night for me. Actually for you and me. Us.
ROBBIE: Us?
LORD B: Like I said in the note, which you clearly received judging by the Prada suit you're wearing.
I thought I'd made my feelings very clear.
.
J
.
j
b.
.j
.
.
j #j
# .
ROBBIE: Yes you did, George, and about that . . . I'm not sure we're quite in the same place...
.
j
#
.
j
# .
.
j
LORD B: I see. But you took the thousand pounds, and you went on a shopping spree.
140
.j
.
j
.
b
.
j
.
j
.
j
.
j
n
.
j
n .
ROBBIE: George . . .
.
b
.
j
(1st x): LORD B: No, Robbie, you see that's how it works. All the gifts, all the dinners, the money, the suit you're wearing,
143
(2nd x): JAMES: Robbie, what are you doing here?
? .. -
.j
.
j
WILLIAM: I'm sure there must be a very simple explanation...
.
j
#
.
j
.j
.
j
#
.
b
.
j
(1st x): LORD B (cont'd): - the shirt on your back - it's not charity - what do you think I am?
ROBBIE: No, George, what do you think I am?
147
(2nd x): ROBBIE: (not moving) I really have to go.
.
j
.j
JAMES: You two know one another? ROBBIE: I can't do this. Not now.
.
b
.
j
.
j
.j
61
(1st x): LORD B: I'll tell you what I think you are.
ROBBIE's phone is knocked to the ground
151
(2nd x): ROBBIE runs off.
.
. nj
j
n .
WILLIAM: James, there are guests to be attended to. Lord Bellingham are ye you coming?
.
j
#
.j
.
j
.
j
#
(1st x): WILLIAM: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord Bellingham, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
155
. n.
j J
n.
.j
(2nd x): LORD B: Hmm? Yes, of course.
b.
.
j
.
J
b.
.j
..
(VISUAL CUE OUT OF VAMP MARILYN PICKS UP PHONE)
159
? ..
VAMP
&
mp
& b . .
ceal - ing?
b
&
MARILYN
mp
Who's
&b
Who's
that
.
boy?
that
.. b w
Who's
163
168
MARILYN
that
boy?
boy?
Per - haps he's just
chan - cer
GIRLS pp
And what
I've
got
Who's
the stran - gest
that
BOYS pp
w
w
b
&
172
an - swer
&b
& b
Who's
that
boy
mp
boy
. .
feel - ing
boy?
fear
know the
w
w
Boy
mp
con -
boy?
he
Boy
Boy
is
Boy
& b
mf
Who's
mf
Who's
that
that
w
boy?
w
w
boy?
Who's
that
62
bw
&
176
n w
boy?
Did
&b
b
&
Who's
that
Who's
that
that
Who's
that
184
&
&
188
fuf - fle?

&
fuf - fle?
ff
Who's
that
boy
Who's
that
boy
ff
Who's that
Who's that
Did
boy?
boy?
boy?
I thought I
saw

J
I thought I
saw
Who's that
Who's that
some - bo - dy
some - bo - dy
cute

cute
in -
in -
in -
vite
vite
to
bite
want
to
Who's
that
boy
Who's
that
boy
Who's that
Who's that
him?
..
.
him?
him
bite
him?
want
vite
boy?
boy?
w
w
scuf - fle
w
w
scuf - fle
some - bo - dy
So
Did
So
boy?
boy?
w
w
w
boy?
Who's
ENSEMBLE BOYS
w
n w
w
180

&
n w
GIRLS
ENSEMBLE
&
&
..
.
him
Who's caus - ing
the
ker -
Who's caus - ing
w
w
w
w
boy?
w
w
boy?
w
w
the
ker -
No. 11
63
They Don't Make Glass Slippers

CUE: JAMES: I can't take this. Jesus Christ. What have I done?
ROBBIE: James! James!
Freely
ROBBIE p
6
&8
&
& J
find
Once
And
he thought the whole
out
That that's
14
& #
slip - pers
n
&
They don't have
24
& .
wrong
No
39
&
44 poco accel.
&
time
there
was
just
lit
world
was
his
not
how
is
it
Was - n't
sur - prise
my
size
Hap - py
fair - y
God Moth - er
ev
pops
up
like
ver - y
old
when
mp
he
If they
glass
er
af - ters
they preach
dream
ty
as
Mag - ic - al
Once
up - on
time
Are

there was
glass
slip-pers
turn out
a - long
they
seem
Trou - ble
al - ways just

just
out
lit
glass -
princ - es
of
j
#
is
Why don't hand - some
King - doms
Driving forward q. = 56
j
#
.
Al - ways
to
to help things
make
came
j
# #
Pret
<n>
boy
tle
Shuffle q. = 52
They don't make
no great
Shat - ter
Prac - tice what

j
&
# #
They don't make glass slip - pers
& #
slip - pers
29
34
It's
19
u - pon
my
reach
tle
boy
64
47
&
And
.
& J
find out
That that's not
world
was
his
how it
Was - n't
&
Oh
Yeah
70
& .
lit - tle
& J
find out
&
And
That that's
not
how
is
It's
no
great
sur
88
& .
wrong
No
93 Even slower
fair -
my
size
fair - y
.
-
his
God - mo - ther
God - mo - ther
pops
up
Pops
up
ev
mp
j
# #
They don't make
glass
j
#
If
they
make
glass
slip - pers
er
af - ters
to help
help
things
things
Al - ways
poco rall.
a - long
U #
.
-
slip - pers
to
old when he came to
ve - ry
Rock it out
Hap - py
Was - n't
prise
Slower q. = 52
he thought the whole world was
it
Once u - pon a time there was just a
&
They don't have
Yeah
poco rall.
83
&
No
Yeah
boy
74
79
when he came to
Oh
mp
old
#.
Oh
66
ver - y
oh
is
&
he thought the whole
50
59
long
U.
turn out
65
No. 11a
Spin (Reprise)
CUE: MARILYN: James. I don't want to hear it and this is certainly
not something I wish to discuss in front of him. I'll see you at home. Pathetic.
Freely at first q = 130

(MARILYN leaves the office.)
MARILYN: Oh God.
MARILYN
#4
& #4
How
#
&#
wrong
#
&#
sim
ple
truth
#
&#
#5
& #4
#
&#
go wrong
mem - ber?
old
fash
what
Hid
A phone rings in MARILYN'S bag.

We recognise it as ROBBIE's ringtone.
peo
den
by
smoke
Since
screen
of
Laugh - a - ble
go
when
did
cli - che?
know
you
can
ple want
it straight
.. 44
How
prom - ised that He'd play
est?
ioned
hon
picking up
That's
with
5
4
but wait
MARILYN: What on earth . . . ? (She searches in her bag.)

MARILYN: I don't believe this. (She answers.)
MARILYN: Hello? (Robbie?) No but this is his phone. (So who are you?)
23
#
&#
Re
be - come
He
16
11
28
you
With Tension q = 160
de - cen - cy
#
&#
with
can
MARILYN (cont'd): My name's Marilyn Platt.

(Well what are you doing with Robbie's phone?)
33
MARILYN: I'm sorry? No I will not return his fucking phone.
..
FADE ON CUE DURING REPEAT
66
No. 11b
Underscore into Tail That Wags

CUE: WILLIAM: Now go!
JAMES exits.
Freely At First h = 65
2
& b2
5
&b
33
&b
39
&b
j
n .
>
j
n
CLODAGH: That's right.

WILLIAM: So presumably you have an address for him.
w
>
WILLIAM: Right, here's what's going to happen . . .

in a few hours time you're going to have a lot of
press assembling outside your establishment . . .
n
. .
WILLIAM: (Cont'd) . . . rather keen to find out more about your brother.
..
b n
CLODAGH: Go on. What's that got to do with us?
j
n .
>
j
n
n
. .
WILLIAM: I want you make your brother's colourful life even more colourful. As sordid as you like.
Now that shouldn't be too difficult should it?
j
n .
..
CLODAGH: And what's in it for us?

WILLIAM: Trust me. People will pay a lot for your story. I'll make sure of that.
j
.
WILLIAM: Now enjoy your moment in the sun.
WILLIAM: Tea, get in here. SASHA: Yes, William . . . what was all that about?
WILLIAM: That my dear Tea, was what you call an

opportunity. A great big mincing opportunity.
44
&b
27
&b
CLODAGH: Yeah, he works in the launderette next door.

WILLIAM: In Old Compton Street.
20
&b
WILLIAM: This is William George. You gave me your

number at the event last night. You told me that
Robbie is your brother or, step brother.
Faster in Time
h = 85
13
&b
n.
VAMP 1 bar as needed
.. w
..
SEGUE AS ONE No.12 The Tail That Wags The Dog
67
No.12
The Tail That Wags The Dog

CUE: DEAD SEGUE from No. 11b
WILLIAM: Get me a car.
In 2 h = 90
#2
& #2
WILLIAM: Bellingham Industries.
#
&#
SASHA: Where are we going?
SASHA re-enters with WILLIAM's coat.
The
#
&#

po
#
&#
may
li
tics
of
po
li - tics
13
#
&#
dash
be
mu
sic
to
their
#
&#
noth
- ing
po

li - ti
ears
But
cian
Be - hold
17
"The
I'm
his
Let
eve - ry - one
- er
pup - pet
takes
#
n
&#
knock them in - to shape
25
#
&#
plump
29
#
&#
pull
.
ions
bow
With
cush
on
the
strings
And
call
the
seat
shots
my
hand
mould them
Where
the
j
I
the
I'd
raise
till
they
fit
groom
them
for
A -
to
The
pre - fer
arse
voice
glass
his
He
#
up
choice"
ma - ster's
peo - ple's
21
33
WILLIAM
sit

the
throne
68
#
&#
I'm
37
the
tail
that
#
&#w
41
wags
the
ly
takes
strong
#
&#
mon - key's
on
the
scrap
in - to
shape
##
&
&
##
the
dog
that
gets

the
bone
mp
Watch
the
knock them
will
an - y - one
in - to
or -
flaw
j
.
it
spring
gan
grind-
plump
the
cush
ions
er
pull
the
strings
And
call
The
grind
mould them
on
till
they
fit
you'd
pre - fer
shots
to
sit
seat
the
the
You
We
shape
J .
It
mind?
Where
raw
to
pick
fit
press
had
they
Does
heap
till
the
he
SASHA
mould them
And
You
64
68
it's
bad
suc - ces - sor
WILLIAM
knock them
too
weak - ness
61
##
&
But
one
##
&
pack - age
57
##
&
Yet
per - fect
53
##
dog
49
&
He
#
&#

seemed
the
#
&#
need
45
#
&#
on
groom
them
for

the
throne
##
&
72
&
## .
##
&
76
##
&
##
&
makes
81
WILLIAM
I'm
the
tail
69
wags
the
#
that
dog
the
that
gets
the
bone
you
ask
what
Yet
it's
the
Yet
gets
that
it's
was
dog
the
dog
bone
It
it
that
led
him
to
be
un
true
ENSEMBLE
#mp
&#w
w
Ooo
&
## nw
w
mp
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
Ooo
##
&
85
#
& # #w
w
It
seems
that
eve - ry
## #w
w
holds
skel - e
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
ton
.
or
Ooo
##
&
two
88
#
& #
&
clos - set
Ooo
&
##
Now
we
lose
our
de
De
De
po - sit
if
we
don't
find
po - it
pos - it

some - one

some - one

some - one
70
##
&
new
92
#
&#
I'm
thrilled
to
bits
The
slip - per
fits
Stand
new
##
&
new
##
& #
back
95
I'm
#
&#
com - ing
mp
through
##..
w
w
Ah
##
&
Ah
mp
#..
w
w
99
Ah
##
&
Ah
####
#
## wf
&
####
#
## wf
&
####
#
##
& # ##
WILLIAM: Oh George, . . . you have been a naughty little Lord haven't you?
103
##
& # ##
107
# ##
&# #
111
LORD BELLINGHAM: What?
WILLIAM: "Lord Bellingham and rent boy lover in political fundraiser". Now only a fool would bet the
markets but I'll take my chance that Bellingham Industries shares will go down.
LORD B: I've no idea what you're talking about. WILLIAM: Your little friend, Robbie? LORD B: Rent boy? I've never paid him for . . .
##
& # ##
WILLIAM: What did you pay him for exactly? (There's no answer)
Now I'm assuming you'd prefer to keep your private life our of the press.
LORD BELLINGHAM: Go on. WILLIAM: In an hour this story will leak.
However, it all depends which story we'd like to tell.
115
119
? #### ..
#
123
? ####
#
127
WILLIAM (cont'd): My version is that sicko James Prince arrogantly

invited his fiance and gay boy lover to the same fundraising event.
. #.
.
J
&
.
?
131
? ####
#
135
? ####
#
139
? ##
146
? ##
.
J
>.
#
.
n
WILLIAM:
I'd say a hundred thousand. should do it.
.
#.
LORD B: You must be mad. Get out!
..
&
.
.
#
? ##
VAMP
&
WILLIAM
nn #
n#
..
WILLIAM: George, you can trust me.
150
..
WILLIAM: The bank transfer. I'll do the rest. LORD B: Don't screw this up, William. I mean it.
LORD B: Your what?
WILLIAM: Prince won't survive this. I have the credentials,

I know the system. You'll find me a very loyal servant in City Hall.
VAMP 2nd TIME ONLY
WILLIAM (cont'd): And we have two days before nominations close. LORD B: What do I need to do?
WILLIAM (cont'd): Worse than that he did so in your good offices. Of course, there is another version of the
tale which involves
the cheif executive of a multi-national . . .
.
WILLIAM: It's not for me. It's for my campaign . . . to become London Mayor.
143
LORD BELLINGHAM: I get it, I get it. How much? WILLIAM: I'm sorry? LORD B: How much to keep me out of it?
? ####
#
? ##
71
Stand
72
##
& #
back
Piu Mosso
153
I'm
#
&#
through
Ah
#..
w
w
bw
w
& b
165
b
&b
b n
& b #
mf
169
##

&
knock them in - to
ff
#
&#
##
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
n
#
J
nnbb
in - to
knock them
>
n..
# .
in - to
>
>
..
.
shape
>
n#
j >
##..
# ..
nn##
WILLIAM
#j
I
knock them
ENSEMBLE
nnbb
Ah
b
&b
Ah
mp
Ah
161
nnbb
##..
w
w
##
157
&
com - ing
bw
w
&b w
173
mp
ENSEMBLE
&
mould them till
shape
they fit
shape

mould them

mould them

till
they
fit

till
they
fit
## .
&
J
plump the cush - ions
#
&#
73
177
&
on
the
plump
##
##
&
pull
#
&#
181
pull
##
&
pull
##
&
I'm
#
& # #
185
plump
Dog
##mf
&
Dog
the
cush -
the
strings
the
strings
call
the
the
tail
mf
gone
gone
##
&
"howl"
"howl"
##
&
193
wags
#
#
that
it's
Yes
the
groom
them
for
them
for
them
for
shots
groom
mp
dog
Yet
Dog
#
#
the
dog
dog
dog
that
gets
gone
..
#
J #
Dog that
it's
the
gone
it's

the
the
the
throne

the
throne
throne
dog
that
gets
dog
that
gets
the
dog
gone
Ah
f
..
gone
j
#
Yet
dog
w
w
w
w
gone
gone
Ah
U
w
"howl"
sit
groom
Dog
sit
sit
shots
the
and
shots
Dog that
ions
the
to
#.
call
and
And
ions
strings
pre - fer
the
I'd
call
Where
J .
Ooo
##
&
##mf
&
cush -
Ooo
189
J .
the
seat
##
&
##
&
j
#
gets
the...
#
#
J
gets
the...
bone!
U
w
w
bone!
U
w
w
w
bone!
74
No. 13
Let Him Go
CUE: MARILYN: And in here for hurting.
VELCRO: Yes, In here for hurting - it gets better though, if you let it.
Gently q = 120
##4
& # #4
VELCRO p
The
##
&##
on
ly
way
to
##
&##
##
&##
on
to
does - n't
13
hold
# ##
&#
17
.
mean
love
him
Let
Will
you
gain
clo
ser
don't
##
& # # j
24
let
him
say
know
it's
How
ea
much
sy
you
rea
ly
love
.
him
j
To
end
If
you
It
friend
though
the
21
in
go
hurt
go
him
less
fan - ta - sy
Let him
your - self
you
And
##
& # # j
free
Let him
want
to
Let
him
go
##
&##
28
go
##
&##
32
don't
know
##
&##
in
my
why
##
&##
hard - est
##
&##
44
heart
part
of
lov - ing
48
If
## j
&##
I

ly
tell him
know - ing
so
Tell - tale
signs
may
start
him
Let
The
Let him
to
show
How
much
go
go
him
go
it must end
For
him
go
pre - tend
for

Let
Is
tle
love
Let him
him
set -
to
real
MARILYN mp
known
j
.
try
52
al - ways
on
I've
Why
##
& # # j
hold - ing
I'm
36
40
75
VELCRO
####mf
&
57
Don't
# ##
&#
stay
shut
aw - ay
with
61
Op
en
doors
to
"what
all
may
those
"might
be"
in
have
beens"
w
-
stead
MARILYN
# ## f
&#
65
That's
n
the
light
that
guides
n
us
through
the
.
change

J
of
scenes
n
Those
76
##
&##
69
"in
be
tweens"
we
##
&##
##
& # #
77
dread
Let him go j
w .
MARILYN
Let
him
go
VELCRO /
MARILYN
##
& # #
hold
on
to
##
& # #
85
fan - ta - sy
And
A Tempo
##
& # #
know
# ##
& #
97
Show
##
& # #
102
Will
hurt
clo
ser
heal
how
may
much

how
ing
much
you

you
love
Freely

be
you
in
the
.
.
love
him
When
we
.
.
Let
him
grow
a - part
j
.
J .
him
A tempo
rall.
w
w
go
BOTH
j

We
grow
A tempo
w
w
w
w
go
go
Let
him
j
J .
.
..
rall.
pp
Let him
end
rall.
j
j #
J
J
friend
slow
To
n #
gain
Though the
93
go
VELCRO
# # mp
&##
89
j

J
him
j
J
..
Let
81
.
VELCRO
73
w
w
j
J
He'll
77
No.13a
Wishing For The Normal (Reprise)

CUE: MARILYN: For being . . . kind.
VELCRO: I didn't do anything.
MARILYN: You did a lot. Goodbye Sonia.
MARILYN exits. VELCRO looks around the launderette clutching Marilyn's card.
Gentle h = 100
4
& b4
VELCRO
&b w
Wish
w
ing
Hop - ing
for
the
hum
Wish
13
&b
drum
Is
that
aim
ing
ing
high?
17
&b j

Oth - ers
#
&#
21
j

seem
to
find
SCENE CHANGE TO CAMPAIGN HQ
it
Tell
me

why
oh
why
oh
rall.
why
can't
U
w
I?
n##
78
No. 13b
Remember Us Reprise
CUE: JAMES: Nothing changed. I thought it could. I thought I could.
Colla voce
# #6
& # 8 . .
.
No - thing's black and white This

Freely
JAMES
##
& # .
Love
will
con - quer
##
& # # .
an ti - dote
##
&#
13
all
When
you
one fight
you can't win
fall
you
on
there
thought
could
vote
fall
is
no
MARILYN: We both did.
change
MARILYN
Re - mem - ber
when
You
popped
the
ques - tion
Eve
JAMES
New Year's
God, what
###
&
21
Re - mem - ber then
### j
&

mess!
25
### j

yes
###
&
&
just
MARILYN (cont'd): We both wanted to believe it. It wasn't just you.
Pushing On q. = 80
###
&
is
More rhythmic
Meno Mosso
###
&
17
called
you
Rel - a - tive - ly
j j

But
when you're
.
young
so
na - ive
cra - zy,
Then
you
Slower q. = 70
young
You
think
the
dream
You
think
the
dream
said
j
.
will
last...
will
last...
j
.
###
&
29
Un
###
&
&b
33
Un
til...
&b
45
&b
love
you
MARILYN: I want all of you, not just a part.
nnnb
MARILYN (cont'd): And I don't want to fight a battle I can't win.

JAMES: Marilyn, please. I want you to be part of my life.
MARILYN: It is, James.
MARILYN: I know you do. But you will never love me completely.
37
41
nnnb
til...
& b .
still
&b
Colla Voce
MARILYN: You finally wake up.
With Movement q. = 74
79
JAMES: I'm scared. That sounded very final.
JAMES: I don't know what to do. I mean what now?
.
.
Slower
MARILYN: Honesty. With the voters but more importantly with yourself. You can't go wrong with honest. Remember?
48
& b n
52
Bubbling q = 110
b 4
& b bb 4
54
b
& b bb
57
bb
&b b
>
>
>
>
>
rall.
>
>
NARRATOR: At William's direction, the press are now campedout in Soho
>
>
across the street from Glam-Amour. Clodagh and Dana are rather enjoyingthe attention.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
(The hubub builds to a cut off)
>
n>
>
>
>
>
bbbb 44
>
>
>
>
J
f
80
No. 14
Fifteen Minutes
CUE: CLODAGH: I think . . . I think our talent has finally been recosgnised.
DANA: Our what?
Mele of clamouring PHOTOGRAPHER's requests.

Initially startled by the attention, CLODAGH and DANA begin to warm to it . . .
Moderato q = 100
2
& b2
5
CLODAGH
& b .
Some - one
&b
fif - teen min-utes of
fame
don't
DANA
got our
Well
fif - teen
14
& b .
fif - teen min-utes
17
&b
23
&b
may
the
go
to
our
bleed them
ry
Eve - ry - one's
is
tick - ing
en - ti - tled
to
name
We're
taste
of
sell
glo - ry
al
want
the

our
the
same
fame
j
.
At
last
the
DANA
sto - ry
of
pick - ing
our
fif - teen min - utes
for
gon - na
read - y
j
.
We
our
We've
CLODAGH
on
their
cry
dry
Bring
We're
loids hue and
CLODAGH
the tab
We'll have
till they're
CLODAGH
mo - ment Let
fif - teen min-utes
clock
stick - ing

be
our
We've earned our
20
mud is
let's
Be - ware
& b .
Now
his name
DANA
re - call
this looks like
min - utes
11
& b # .
fa - mous he once said
The de
tails
BOTH
Hel - lo
it's

26
& b .
fif - teen min-utes
Our
new
life
can
be - gin
of
fame
time
for our
Bubbling now
DANA
We'll
be - come
cel - eb - ri - ties
The
CLODAGH
35
&b

dar - lings
38
it's
29
& b .
81
of
the press
Cast
us
in
DANA
&b
Bring out
range
of
cloth
40
& b #
write
our
own
43
46
& b
Ah
shame that
are
& b .
who can knock it?
sure
to
sell
Then
j

f
BOTH
We
our
our
of
fame
Ooo
DANA
ac - counts will rock - et
want
....
..
DANA
spell
Our bank
j
.
CLODAGH
It's cheap
but
....
..
Ooo
BOTH
It's
suc-cess
Ooo
roar - ing
We'll fill
our pock - et
....
..
in
be
fif - teen min-utes
Ooo
The press
We'll
per - fume's
you can't
....
..
We crave our
CLODAGH
49
......
& b
Ooo
....
& b ..
Ooo
b
&
fif - teen min-utes
MALE ENSEMBLE
And
CLODAGH
pan - to - mime
CLODAGH
ing
bi - og - ra - phy
b
& .
game
DANA
Our
..
.
Game!
life
was

down
the toi
let
j

A
scan - dal
82
b
&
52
should - n't
spoil
it
CLODAGH
We're gon - na
Su - san Boyle
it
That's our
aim
Was - sup with
b
&
55
fif - teen min-utes
b ....
& ..
mf
It's
so
not
us
to
win
It's
time
for our
....
..
Ooo
b
& .
Ooo
n b
Fif - teen min - utes
58
Of
SA ENSEMBLE
fame
w
w
w
w
w
w
Ooo
& b
TB - ENSEMBLE
b
&
62
w
w
Ooo
15
Piu Mosso q = 110
bb
j
& b b b . .
DANA
Big
b
& b bbb
bbbbb
15
b nw
& w
78
bbbbb
15
w
&b w
81
Ooh
b
& .
&b
BOTH
bro-ther
fif - teen min-utes
bbbbb
CLODAGH
.
.
Ka - to - na
fif - teen min-utes
CLODAGH
Steve Brook - stein
fif - teen
min - utes
DANA
j

X - fac - tor
Ap - pren - tice
fif - teen
min - utes
fame

84
b
& b bbb j .
Lew - in - sky
#
&#
87
j

And
Tow - ie
fif - teen
fame
min-utes
Matt
nnnnn## j
.
83
"
Please Jed - ward, Fif - teen
Car - dle
min-utes of
fif - teen min-utes
fame
Slow milk it!
##
&
DANA / CLODAGH
90
We
want
U
n
#### #
#
our
Broadly q = 90
CLODAGH
#.
fif - teen min-utes
DANA
Go - dam - mit
fif - teen min-utes
Sweet Je - sus
ENSEMBLE SA
# U
& # nnw
w
#### #
#
Ahh
Fif
teen
Fif

teen
ENSEMBLE TB
## nU
w
& n w
Ahh
#### #
#
#..
Fif
#### #
& # .
teen
Fif
#### #
#
&
of
ice
#### #
& #
..
ice
Buy tits like
Ka - tie Pri
is
is
Vic
Pric
ce's
We've no
es
..
Pric
Vic
es
..
fame
vic - es
fame

min-utes of
to

min-utes of
ice is
teen
We'd say fare - well
teen
96
# ## #
&# #
teen
#### #
& # .
pagne on
fame
..
Fif
BOTH
Fif
93
## #
& # ##
..
Go where cham -

es
es
shame
Since fame and
j
We've no
shame
We've no
shame
84
#### #
j
.
& #
99
# ## #
&# #
for - tune beck - oned
We're gon - na
. j
seize each sec - ond
It's
not what
j
.
we'd have reck - oned
still
we
MALE ENSEMBLE ONLY
#### # p
& #
Ooh
102
claim
#### #
#
&
Ah
Ah
#### # #
& #
105
Our pre - cious
fif - teen min-utes
Fif
Our
Fif - teen
#### #
#
&
Fif - teen
be thin
it's
of
fame
teen
..
Fif
time
.
Fif
min - utes
may
teen
n..
sto - ry
(split)
teen
..
Fif
fif - teen
## #
& # ##
Ooh
#### #
& #
## #
& # ##
teen
Meno
w
w
min - utes
min - utes
DANA / CLODAGH
# ## #
&# #
110
" Freely
j
Guess that's our
## #
& # ## w
CLODAGH/DANA:
Come on, sis, my G-string needs a rinse.
114
(split)

of
w
fame
for our
85
No. 15
Finale
CUE: WILLIAM EXITS
James is left alone on stage and Marilyn enters.
Gently q = 110
##4
& # #4
MARILYN: Best speech you ever made.
JAMES: You think so? Look, Marilyn . . .
MARILYN: I know. But no matter how sorry you are, it doesn't change "us". JAMES: So what now?
# ##
&#
accel.
Move On q = 130
MARILYN
##
&##
mp
Don't
##
&##
stay
shut
aw - ay
with
13
Op
en
doors
#### Pi mosso
&
n
to
all
"what
may
those
"might
be"
in
have
That's
the
##
&##
20
light
that
Those
25
&
A Tempo
####
# ##
&#
29
q = 120
"in
guides
us
be
tweens"
the
#
we
scenes
.
..
dread
JAMES: I've got to get away. Avoid the press for a while.
They've still only got Robbie's side of the story.
of
MARILYN: Not Robbie's. I suspect it was William's side of the story. JAMES: But Robbie . . .
change
poco rall.
through
stead
beens"
17
.
.
..
86
##
&##
32
# ##
&#
36
##
&##
41
..
.
.
.
poco accel.
With momentum h = 106
nnnnbb b 2
b 2
MARILYN (cont'd): He's catching a train out of here from London Bridge.
JAMES exits leaving MARILYN alone.
MARILYN: Good luck, James.
46
b
& b bb
MARILYN: . . . is doing exactly what you're doing. Avoiding the Press. He hasn't spoken to them.
Meno h = 94
NARRATOR: The 14.18 train to Margate will be departing from platform 5 calling at Orpington, ...
50
b
& b bb
NARRATOR (cont'd): . . .Sevenoaks, Tonbridge, Paddock Wood, Marden . . .
55
b
& b bb
for
the
rall.
#w
nor
bw
Freely h = 90
61
ROBBIE
b
& b bb J
Wish bb j
&b b
65
Trou - ble
70
ing
j j

is
b
& b bb b
bit - ious?
75
bb
& b b bw
for
they're hard
Am
w
too
mal
er
than
j

out
kind
of
of
touch?
they
much?
dream
seem
Half Time Feel q. = 55
6 .
8
Am
#
Am
too
n
I
wish
#
-
NARRATOR (cont'd) . . . Minster,
ing
am -
b
& b bb
##
& # .
place?
Gyp
##
& # .
sies
of
the
.. .
n.
You
are
seem
strange
ther
my
far
#2
& 2
JAMES - half spoken
#2
&
2 j
Go
#
& .
- ing
113
n
.. n # 22
VAMP
..
Cin - e
to
night
b
-
club
mas
j j

in
nice
rest
and
such
Hap - py
ger
friend
Eat - ing
#
& .
stran -
ROBBIE - half spoken
110 Freely h = 110
j j

(They kiss)
##
&#
this
space
in - ti - mate
in
in
n.
Meet - ing
n
J
my
a - way
Wan - der - ers
are
.
J
it
ROBBIE: But because of me you had to give it all up.

JAMES: No. Robbie, it was because of me. Look, what I want is normal.
106
j j

to
go
dutch
'rants
ROBBIE: I don't think so.
117
&
You
98
# p
nnnn##
ROBBIE: Are you sure about this?

Are you sure it's what you really want?
mp
JAMES
##
& # ..
&
JAMES
Does - n't
87
92
Pi mosso q. = 75
rit.
NARRATOR (CONT'D):
Ramsgate, Dumpton Park, Broadstairs and Margate.
81
87
More rhythmic h = 100
JAMES
Am
too
am
rit.
bi - tious?
Am
out
of
touch?
88
They turn to find their platform as VELCRO runs in (or enters on SIDESADDLE's rickshaw).
122
&
A Tempo h = 100
rit.
####
VELCRO: Robbie! Robbie! Wait!
# ##
&#
126
##
&##
Moving on h = 110
134
##
&##
138
ROBBIE: Velcro!
..
.
.
##
&##
.
...
.
...
VELCRO: Sorry. (She pulls a face as if to say "stupid me".) She told me about these websites. Anyone can trace a Will.
..
.
.
.
..
.
# ##
& # ..
.
...
ROBBIE: (the penny drops.): Of course I was.

VELCRO: Exactly. Well guess what. You're the sole Benny . . .
you're the sole Bennyfish . . .
.
...
..
.
VECRO (cont'd): Oh, it's all yours, here y'are. (Hands him an envelope)
ROBBIE (reading it): I knew it. Thank you Mum. You didn't let me down.
nw
n nw
ww
ww
w
w
152
# ##
&#
JAMES: Marilyn?
VELCRO: Yeah, you know...well of course you know.
147
156
ROBBIE: There is no Will.

VELCRO: No, no you were told there's no Will. By Les' solicitor.
##
&##
142
VELCRO: I spoke with Marilyn
130
##
&##
ROBBIE: Cro! What are you doing here?
JAMES: I don't believe it . . .
..
.
.
w
w
ww
VELCRO: No it's true.
JAMES: I mean that. Look . . .
.
..
.
.
..
.
NARRATOR: James has spotted the live news screen on the station platform which is flashing up a breaking news story.
...
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
##
&##
# ##
&#
160
164
89
NARRATOR (cont'd): "William George forced to stand down after assistant Sasha Larkin
.
..
.
alleges sexual harrassment in the workplace" JAMES: Good on you, Sasha. About time too.
..
.
nw
nnw
ww
ww
w
w
ROBBIE: Well, see you in a bit. When all this has blown over. VELCRO: Talking of blowing over, have you told him?
# ##
& # n
167
##
&##
170
174
&
178
&
OPTIONAL 2 BAR VAMP - 2nd time only
JAMES: Told me what?
w
J
VELCRO: Where hes scattering the ashes.
nnn#
ROBBIE: Margate Pleasureland was her favourite place. Whats wrong with that?
nbb b
b
VELCRO: Yes, but not on top of the bloody log flume!
bb bffw
& b
Wish
ROBBIE
182
w
-
w
-
ing
Wish
..
ing
JAMES & VELCRO
bb w
& b b
Wish
ff
190
bb
&b b
Hop
bb
& b b
Hop
ing
for
the
ing
for
the
ing
Wish
hum
hum
drum
drum
Is
Is
that
aim
ing
that
aim
ing
ing
high?
high?
90
bb b
& b J
194
Oth - ers

J
seem
to
find
bb b
& b J
J
Oth - ers
seem
to
find
198
b
& b bb
203
b
& b bb
j j

.
J
it
Tell
me
I?
it
Tell
me
.
J
I?
STRANGER: Stupid question. Do you know anything about goldfish?
STRANGER & VELCRO: Oh, I'm sorry. No it was me.

J J
sp
STRANGER (cont'd):
I just won this at the funfair. Throwing ping pong balls into jam jars.
210
b
& b bb

J J
Slower h = 80
VELCRO: no. . . . no. I . . .
Freely
216
b
& b bb
STRANGER starts to leave . . .
VELCRO
Just
221
Bells are Ringing h = 100
b b4
&b b 4
229
b
& b bb
VELCRO: Wait . . . !
U
w
i - mag - ine
own
ing
2
4
gold - fish...
A Tempo h = 110
>
>
Huge fill
>
4
4
91
No. 16
Bows
First full chorus
b4
&b 4
b
&b
17
b
&b
31
b
&b
J .
2nd Alt. Verse
j
b
j b
35
b
&b
Chorus 2nd half
27
b
&b
23
b
&b
13
b
&b
Bridge
b
&b
92
39
b
& b j
SIDESADDLE
Come
on
guys
b j
&b
iage
is
b
&b
45
#
&#
#
&#
I'll
take
you
for
take
you
for
take
you
for
take
you
for
Baritones
##
&
48
#
&#
#
&#
&
##
lu - cky fel - la
luck - y
fel - la
ride
ride
ride
ride
Your
lu -- cky fel - la
J
Your
Your
go
at
ing
Can't
you
see
go
to
to
shall
Your
lu - cky fel - la
it -
#
nn #
your
carr -
shall
hes
nn##
now
You
#
nn # w
ing
ALL boys
Tenors
##
&
I'll
ough
You
ALL girls
I'll
wait
SIDESADDLE
I'll
en
ALL girls
b
& b
##
&
42
poco rall
car - riage waits just
car - riage waits just
carr - iage waits just
ball
you
Yes
you
shall
you
you
shall
step
in
step
in
step
in
j

step
in
to
the
ball
to
the
to
side
j

Well
the
j

Well
the
j

Well
side
side
to
go
Cin - der - el - la
side
Cin - der - el - la
go
Yes
go
shall
go
shall
n
J
car -- riage waits just
ball
the
Yes
Yes
the
j

Well
ball
ball
ball
can't
can't
can't
can't
##
&
51
SIDESADDLE
do
#
&#
do
##ALL boys
&
do
##
&
55
tricks with pump
needs
veg
ver
j j
.
Oo
..
Hor
..
J J
kins
min
When you've got
## .
.
w
w
rall.
You
#
& # nww
bb
price
shall
nnbb
b
You
## w
w
price
shall
nnbb
b
You
bb
& b
Go
for
night
b
&b b
Go
for
night
for
night
ALL Girls
Baritones
b
of
glitz
of
glitz
of
glitz
shall
ses
from
ses
#
Side
go
to
go
to
Side
white
from
white
J .
go
the
to
Yes
you
Yes
you
j

Yes
you
the
shall

J
-
Cin - der - el - la
Cin - der - el - la
go
.
J J
sad - dle for half
go
shall
sad - dle for half
ball
shall
j
J .
Cin - der - el - la
ball
j #
ball
the
who
for half
Meno mosso q = 110
nnbb
b
But
When you've got
price
b
& b b
Go
When you've got
59
Tenors
Hor
mice
##
& w
63
mice
me
w
w
&
&
from white
Oo
#
& # ..
mice
hor - ses
and
Nor no
>

kins
tricks with pump
kins
tricks with pump
93
go
To
ball
the
To
the
to
the
ball
ball
94
bb
& b
66
Cin - der - el - la
b
&b b
And
min - gle
b
& b b
And
Cin - der - el - la
And
com - plete - ly
off
your
b b b b b
& b b b
get
com - plete - ly
off
your
69
ALL Girls
ALL Boys
bb b
& b
slip
72
b b
& b b
slip
per...
per...
" w
w
w
w
fits
" w
w
w
with those pom
min - gle
bb b
& b
get
min - gle
pous
pous
with those pom
with those pom
JAMES: Robbie?
pous
tits
tits
gits
And
And
gits
And
rit.
And
see
if
the
glass
see
if
the
glass
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
w
Playout
TACET
j
n
w
w
w
w
No. 17
gits
And
fits

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SOHO

an urban musical fable

ANTHONY DREWE and ELLIOT DAVIS

LIBRETTO / VOCAL BOOK

Applications to perform this work must be made,

This edition: June 2015

ROBBIE A young man

Old Compton Street (Velcro, Robbie, Clodagh & Dana, Ensemble)

Wishing For The Normal (Velcro, Robbie)

Wishing For The Normal Scene Change (Instrumental)

Spin (James, William, Sasha, Ensemble)

Gypsies Of The Ether (Robbie, James)

Gypsies Of The Ether Tag (James, Robbie)

I'm So Over Men (Dana, Clodagh)

I'm So Over Men Reprise (Dana, Clodagh)

Remember Us (Marilyn, James)

Old Compton Street Reprise (Lord Bellingham)

It's Hard To Tell (Velcro, Robbie, Ensemble)

It's Hard To Tell Fade (Instrumental)

You Shall Go To The Ball (Velcro, Sidesaddle, Dana, Clodagh,

Lord Bellingham, Robbie, Marilyn, William, James, Ensemble)

Who's That Boy? (Ensemble, William, Clodagh, Dana, Marilyn)

Glass Slippers (Robbie)

11a. Spin Reprise (Marilyn)

Underscore into The Tail That Wags (Instrumental)

The Tail That Wags The Dog (William, Sasha, Ensemble)

Let Him Go (Velcro, Marilyn)

13a. Wishing For The Normal Reprise (Velcro)

Fifteen Minutes (Clodagh, Dana, Ensemble)

Finale (Marilyn, Robbie, James, Velcro)

Old Compton Street, Soho. That promiscuous potpourri. That

(The Company start to assemble.)

Velcro, a young single mum, is making her way back to the

Music No. 1 OLD COMPTON STREET

Two Girls & One Boy

(Out front.) Elsewhere, Velcros best friend, Robbie, emerges

That was lovely.

Sorry, Ive got to get to work.

Lord Bellingham Peoples washing can wait.

Yeah, but my rent wont.

Lord Bellingham Let me help you out.

George, please you just bought me dinner.

Lord Bellingham It gives me pleasure. Will you allow me that?

Youve got my number. Just call.

(Lord Bellingham kisses Robbie on the cheek. Robbie make his

Lord Bellingham (Under his breath.) Oh, Robbie.

Robbie (with Ensemble hums)

In the flat above the launderette, Dana and Clodagh appear in

(Clodagh and Dana start throwing Robbies possessions out of

Hey, hey . . . what are you doing?

(Robbie starts searching in the box.)

Weve changed the locks. Youre evicted.

But its my flat. Wheres Mum?

Just on her way down.

(Dana produces an urn containing Robbies mothers ashes.)

Dont you dare! Lucky me having stepsisters like you. Twins.

We just have. And were getting it fumigated. We dont want to

But until then youve got to keep paying.

Ooh, what was that?

I just felt the rent creeping up.

But the launderette was Mums.

Hed forget his balls if they werent in a bag. Heads!

(She drops the urn into Robbies outstretched hands.)

Theres a commotion outside The Prince Edward Theatre