BOB'S BURGERS

"MEOW'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR"

Written by
Libby Ward

2260 Ewing St.

Los Angeles, CA 90039
323-273-0606
Libby@SneakyVarmint.com

OPENING CREDITS:
The next door business marque reads: FOR THE GREATER HOOD:
ALL OCCASION CLOAKS. A van pulls up, reading: THAT SQUIRREL
IS POISONED: BELL BIV DEVOTED TO PEST CONTROL.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - DAY
Gene, Louise and Tina stand in a stoic line-up next to the
bar stools. Bob restocks napkins and cleans the bar. The
Burger of the Day board behind him reads: FRANKENSTEINS
MUENSTER, (CHEESEBURGER, COMES WITH MARY SHALLOTS).
Bob glances over at the kids, turns back to his work with
skepticism in his eyes. LINDA enters, SINGING to herself. Bob
glances over his shoulder again to see his kids still staring
at him. He leans in to Linda with harried paranoia.
BOB
Lin, I think somethings wrong with
our kids.
LINDA
Nah. People have been trying to
tell me that for years. But theyre
just special. Arent you Kids?
GENE
Thats right!
TINA
Thats what the positive action
team at school keeps telling me.
BOB
Then why are you standing there
like the children of the corn?
LINDA
Oh! My little children of the corn!
Like a very small agricultural
advocacy group.
BOB
No, Lin, its creepy-- its like
their possessed or-LOUISE
Mother. Father.
BOB
Now Im sure youre possessed.

2.
LOUISE
We have come to a decision.
LINDA
Look at that, you guys are working
together, like congress in a time
of war.
LOUISE
Please Mother.
Sorry.

LINDA

LOUISE
We have decided that it is time you
got us a pet.
LINDA
Ooooh, a pet! I love that Bobby.
Lets get a pet.
BOB
No. Absolutely not. We already have
enough to-LINDA
Like a doggie? What kind of doggie
do you want?
LOUISE
A wolverine.

GENE
A pot belly pig.

TINA
Love birds.
BOB
You see? They cant even agree on
the type of pet they want.
LINDA
Awwww, Im sure we can come to a
diplomatic decision. Like Alexander
Hamilton and Aaron Burr.
BOB
Burr shot and killed Hamilton Lin.
LINDA
Well it was resolved wasnt it?
GENE
Im sure this will go just as well.

3.

LINDA
Louise, wouldnt you like a nice
little, cute wittle, bunny rabbit?
LOUISE
(aghast)
A rabbit?! Hahaha.
(calmly)
Oh Mother. Rabbits are timid. Ask
them to handle a telemarketer and
they have a heart attack. A
wolverine, however, will strike
fear into the hearts of my enemies.
No one will mess with me!
(under her breath)
Logan.
BOB
Wow. Youve really though this
through.
GENE
Contrary to popular belief, pigs
are much cleaner than theyre given
credit for. Plus, she will share my
love of all things food and be
smart enough to help me with my
homework!
TINA
I would like love birds because
they will teach me the true meaning
of love: trapped in a cage.
Together. Forever. With no hope of
escape.
BOB
Tina, thats-LINDA
Its kind of true Bobby.
BOB
Pets are a lot of work. When I was
a kid I had a pet rock.
LOUISE
A pet rock?! How lame!
TINA
I bet it was easy to care for.

4.
GENE
The greatest marketing scam of the
nineteen seventies!
BOB
No. No pets.
LINDA
Time for school Kids.
(whispering to Kids)
Leave this to Mama.
(loudly)
Bye bye. Have a good day!
INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL HALLWAY- LATER
Gene, Louise and Tina stand together at the locker between
classes. Other students walk past on their way to class.
LOUISE
T minus sixty. Meet me back here
before the pep assembly.
TINA
Before? But Ill have to leave
class early.
LOUISE
Ugh. I know. Get a bathroom pass or
something.
GENE
I only go to the bathroom every
three hours at half past the hour.
Im on a strict schedule.
LOUISE
You dont have to go to the
bathroom. You just have to get a
bathroom-- oh, nevermind. Just meet
back here.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Linda and Bob are at the counter with Teddy, who is seated on
his usual stool.
LINDA
Oh, come on Bobby. What about a
nice little doggie. Itll be good
for the kids.

5.
TEDDY
I had a dog. He used to take me for
walkies.
BOB
Wait, Teddy. He took you for...?
TEDDY
I get real antsy if I dont get out
of the house.
Big Bob enters.
LINDA
Oooh, Big Booooob! So glad to see
you!
BOB
Hi Pop. What are you doing here?
LINDA
I asked him to come watch the
restaurant while we go find a pet
for the kids.
BOB
But were not-BIG BOB
I dont think a pet is a good idea.
BOB
For once we agree on something.
BIG BOB
But I suppose someone has to look
after your customers while youre
gone.
Big Bob looks at Teddy suspiciously. Teddy cringes. Bob walks
around to the back side of the counter, put on an apron.
BIG BOB (CONTD)
(mumbling)
I never should have gotten you a
pet. Lot of good that did you.
BOB
(defensively)
Dont dishonor the memory of Rocky
Balboa!

6.
LINDA
Aw. Big Bob, the kids need a pet.
Theyll learn responsibility. Just
like Little Bob did!
BOB
Lin, dont call me Little Bob, I-BIG BOB
Rocky Balboa, ha! Responsibility,
ha! Got the kid a pet rock and he
went and lost it.
BOB
I didnt lose it Pop. I-BIG BOB
Good thing I didnt get you a real
pet. Who knows what would have
happened.
TEDDY
What was Rocky Balboa like Bob?
BIG BOB
He loved that pet rock more than
anything.
BOB
Huh, I did. I mean...I-BIG BOB
You should have called him
Sandstone Wall Jackson.
TEDDY
Or Alexander the AggreGate.
BOB
Teddy, thats not-- Actually, huh,
that is good.
BIG BOB
Took that damn thing everywhere.
Couldt get him to leave home
without it.
LINDA
Awwwww. Little Bobby and his pet
rock played by Sylvester StillStone. Hahaha.

7.
BOB
No, Lin. It wasnt like that...it
was...
EXT. SERIES OF FLASHBACK SHOTS:
Teenage Bob, with plaid bell bottoms and large-collard
polyester shirt, big hair and long side burns, no mustache.
Takes ROCKY BALBOA, an otherwise common looking, palm-sized
rock with an uncanny butt-chin, to the zoo, shows him the
turtles and the armadillos.
Takes Rocky Balboa to the drive in, Rocky in the passenger
seat, they watch: Avalanche (1978) staring Rock Hudson and
Mia Farrow.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - BACK TO SCENE
LINDA
Where is he now Bobby?
TEDDY
(leaning in, rapt)
Yeah. Bob. What happened to him?
What happened to Rocky?
EXT. FLASHBACK SHOT:
Young Bob takes Rocky Balboa to the Grand Canyon, sets Rocky
carefully on a view ledge, lines up a camera on a tripod,
sets the timer and runs to join Rocky. He trips...CLOSE-UP
Bobs eyes wide with fear. CLOSE-UP SLOW-MO Rocky topples
over the edge and down into the pebbled valley.
BOB
Nooooooo! Rocky!
BOB (CONTD)
(speaking for Rocky)
Adriiiaaaan!
BOB (CONTD)
Rocky! Rocky!
BOB (CONTD)
(speaking for Rocky)
Adriiiaaaan!

8.
INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL HALLWAY- LATER
Gene, Tina and Louise meet in the empty hallway near the
lockers.
MR. FROND (V.O.)
(over the loud speaker)
All students please report to the
gym for the Wagstaff Pep Assembly.
Whalers harpoon the competition!
(incoherent whispering,
then)
Oh...oh, really. Oh.
Whalers be responsible
environmental stewards, respectful
of endangered species!
(beat)
See you at the pep assembly.
LOUISE
Listen up, Kids. No class means no
roll call. This is the perfect time
to make our escape.
GENE
Are we on the lamb?
TINA
I dont know if its a good idea,
pulling the wool over the
administrations eyes.
LOUISE
Oh, Tina. Sweet Tina. Dont you
remember?
Uuuuuuuh.

TINA

LOUISE
The new roller coaster just opened
at Wonder Warf.
TINA
Oh. Yes. The most frightening of
rides: a roller coaster, and a
haunted house, in one.
GENE
A roller Ghost-er!

9.
LOUISE
And we can be the first to ride it!
A few moments from now, when the
hallway fills with students we can
just...slip away in the crowd. Like
Richard Kimball in the Fugitive.
TINA
Or the kidnapped Marion Ravenwood
in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
GENE
Or Roger Thornhill in North by
Northwest.
ANDY (O.S.)
Will our escape be scored by
Bernard Herrmann?
OLLIE (O.S.)
Will someone send a crop duster
after us?
GENE
Im crop dusting right now!
TINA
Well done. I didnt even notice.
LOUISE
Wait. What? What are you two doing
here?!
Louise turns to address Andy at the drinking fountain, he
seems abnormally tall.
ANDY
I had to get a drink of water.
PAN DOWN TO REVEAL, Andy is standing on Ollie, who is on the
floor on all fours.
OLLIE
I had to be the step stool.
LOUISE
Did you happen to over-hear
anything we said?
ANDY
Every word.
Andy hops down from Ollies back.

10.
OLLIE
Andy forgets nothing.
Ollie stands.
ANDY
Take us with you.
OLLIE
We want to ride the Ghouler
Coaster!
INT. PET SHELTER- LATER
Bob and Linda walk amongst Lady and the Tramp-esque kennels,
many different shapes and sizes of adorable HOWLING dogs.
LINDA
Oh, Bobby, look! Its a bull dog.
(singing)
Ba bom a bom Woof. Ba bom a bom
Woof.
Rising from the dark corners, a faint MEWING. It sounds like
Meob, meob, meob.... Bob GIGGLES.
BOB
Hey- hahaha- what?
A KITTEN is kneeding Bobs leg. Its black and white with a
thick black mustache just like Bobs.
LINDA
Hey little fella howd you get over
here with all the doggies?
BOB
He mustve gotten out of his kennel
Lin.
LINDA
Awwww...look at his little
mustache. Hes a little Charlie
Catlin!
Linda picks up Kitty.
LINDA (CONTD)
Hey you, my little tramp.
A SHELTER EMPLOYEE emerges ominously from the shadows. Shes
rumpled, worn out looking, uniform button-down askew, her
eyes are wild and sharp...shes seen some things.

11.
SHELTER EMPLOYEE
In the biz. We call that a kitler.
BOB
In the animal shelter biz?
SHELTER EMPLOYEE
(sober)
Yes. That biz.
LINDA
(to Kitty)
You couldnt ever be a killer of
mews, could you? No?
BOB
(sniggering to himself)
Plus, I mean, he would have a hard
time occupying Poland right? Unless
it was like Pol-yarn. Hee hee.
LINDA
Riiiight? Hes a star of the silfurr screen.
Holding Kitty up to the Shelter Employee.
LINDA (CONTD)
Hes the great kit-tator!
Meob, meob, meob. The Shelter Employee grabs Kitty from
Linda and tucks it up against her shoulder. Turns on her heel
and walks down the hall with Kitty.
SHELTER EMPLOYEE
Cmon, Kitler, lets get you back
to your bunker.
Kitty, leans over the Shelter Employees shoulder and reaches
out toward Bob. Meob, meob, meob.
LINDA
Who are you? Kitlers meow-stress?
What a meany, Prrrrrow-line Braun.
Hahaha, see what I did there Bobby?
I made another cat pun. Bobby?
Bobs eyes are locked with Kittys. CLOSE-UP on Bob, CLOSE-UP
on Kitty, CLOSE-UP Bobs mustache, CLOSE-UP on Kittys
mustache, CLOSE-UP on Bobs sympathetic eyes, CLOSE-UP on
Kittys pleading eyes.
Wait!

BOB

12.
The Shelter Employee stops but doesnt turn around.
Yes?

SHELTER EMPLOYEE

BOB
Ill take him!
LINDA
Youre allergic to cats.
The Shelter Employee turns around painfully slowly, menace in
her eyes.
SHELTER EMPLOYEE
Youll what?
BOB
Ill adopt him.
But Bobby.

LINDA

Turning toward Linda.

BOB
Linda, listen. Hes saying my name.
Meob, meob, meob.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
Big Bob and Teddy stare each other down.
BIG BOB
So, you enjoy coming here huh?
Yes. I do.

TEDDY

BIG BOB
No you dont.
TEDDY
Sure! Yesterday Bob made me
Mustards Last Stand burger! Came
with dijon must-BIG BOB
(raising his voice)
Bay of Pork Belly burger. Tri-patty
Aggression burger. Letters from Iwo
Jicima. Is this all a joke to you?

13.
Teddys eyes grow wide with worry.
TEDDY
No, um, its kind of fun, right?
I mean...
(panicked)
UuuuuuuuuuIdontknow!
BIG BOB
(dead serious)
Did I every tell you about when I
was in the heat Teddy?
TEDDY
(nervous)
No, um, Big Bob, I dont think you-BIG BOB
I could barely see through all the
steam, cutting as fast as I could
but my blade was growing dull. And
they were relentless! They just
kept coming and coming...with
hunger in their eyes...
Teddy leans in, rapt. Big Bob looks up, searching for buried
memories.
BIG BOB (CONTD)
(with bravado)
My eyes were burning. There was
charred flesh everywhere, I ran
from the flames...then suddendly,
it was dark...I grew cold.
TEDDY
(anxiously)
Were you shot?! Were you dying?!
BIG BOB
I was in the walk-in.
TEDDY
What? The-- I thought you were at
war.
BIG BOB
Running a diner is war Teddy.
TEDDY
Okay, Big Bob. Well, its been...a
day, but I think Id better go.
Teddy stands up to leave. Turns toward the door.

14.
BIG BOB

No.

Teddy turns back, surprised.

BIG BOB (CONTD)

Sit.

Teddy sits. Conditioned to obey stern orders.

Stay.

Oh.

BIG BOB (CONTD)

TEDDY
(worried)

Big Bob puts his hands on the counter and lunges toward
Teddy, brows down-turned angrily. He launches right back into
his story, with purpose.
BIG BOB
We were only following orders!
INT. PET SHELTER- MOMENTS LATER
Bob holds Kitty. He SNEEZES, Kitty SNEEZES.
LINDA
Bobby, look at you. Youre all
sneezy....I actually think you
might be allergic to each other.
Bob SNEEZES, Kitty SNEEZES. Bob signs paperwork, as the
exasperated Shelter Employee points to various lines.
BOB
Well, Lin. You wanted to get a pet.
This is our new Kitty. Right little
Bob-cat?
LINDA
Or Abraham Lion! Riiiight?
Kitty PURRRS and rubs up against Bobs chin.
BOB
(to Kitty)
Dont be silly Lin. Lincoln didnt
have a mustache. Look at him.
CLOSE-UP on Kitty, CLOSE-UP on Bob, Kitty rubs up under Bobs
chin again...his fuzzy doppelganger.

15.
BOB (CONTD)
Heehee, hee, that tickles. Im
gonna love you so much.
LINDA
You mean, the kids are gonna love
him so much?
BOB
Yes, Lin. I mean the kids.
LINDA
Because hes for the kids.
BOB
Yes, Linda, of course.
EXT. WONDER WARF - A LITTLE LATER
The Belcher Kids, followed by Andy and Ollie, walk through an
empty chorded off line, to meet Mickey at the turnstile for
the DANGER COASTER OF DOOOOOOM! Louise stand directly below
the wooden hand of a painted Steven King, It-esque clown
with a sign reading: MUST BE 42 TO RIDE. DO NOT RIDE WHILE
INTOXICATED. Louise does not measure up.
MICKEY
Sorry Kids, it says you must be
forty-two inches to ride.
LOUISE
It also says you cannot ride while
intoxicated. And I tell you what, I
am drunk as a skunk.
Louise walks through the turnstile.
GENE
Im three sheets to the wind!
Gene walks under the clowns hand and through the turnstile.
TINA
Im only a bit squiffy, but Im
also fifty-eight inches tall, so
Im all set.
Tina ducks under the clowns hand and walks through the
turnstile.
MICKEY
Sorry. I dont think it works that
way.

16.
The Kids turn around to address Mickey. Louise puts her hands
on her hips, incredulous.
LOUISE
Sure it does. Two negatives equal a
positive. They cancel one another
out.
They do?

MICKEY

GENE
Thats just simple math!
TINA
Seems right.
MICKEY
Youre right, seems right. Go on
ahead.
Louise, Gene and Tina all crowd into one car. Andy and Ollie
follow, under the clowns hand and through the turnstile.
Mickey stops them.
MICKEY (CONTD)
Hold on a second. Are you drunk
too?
ANDY
Our dad calls it firewater.
OLLIE
Our mom calls it Jimmy, think of
the family!
MICKEY
Oh, okay, go ahead.
Mickey touches a yellow button and the coaster pulls ahead
one car length. Andy and Ollie get into the car behind the
Belcher Kids. Mickey lounges on the control console, pushes a
green button and the cars zoom away.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER
Bob and Linda enter the restaurant, Bob carries a cardboard
box with holes in it.
LINDA
Were baaaaack!

17.
TEDDY
Where is he? Wheres the new little
pup?
Bob puts the card board box on the counter.
TEDDY (CONTD)
Thats an awfully small box for a
dog. Even a litt-Meob, meob.
TEDDY (CONTD)
And that doesnt sound like a-Bob opens the box and takes out Kitty, setting it on the
counter.
BOB
Teddy I present to you....
Teddy reaches out and scratches Kittys ears.
TEDDY
Oh, is he Frederico Fee-lini?
LINDA
Oooh, thats good.
BOB
No. You guys, look at his mustache.
BIG BOB
He should be called Yosem-Kitty
Sam.
TEDDY
More like a Tom-cat Selleck.
Big Bob shoots Teddy an admonishing side eye. Teddy nods a
frightened, wide-eyed, Yes.
TEDDY (CONTD)
Big Bob is right. Yosem-Kitty Sam.
Bob raises an eye brow at Teddy, puzzled.
TEDDY (CONTD)
I...I learned something in our time
together. And that is, Bob...that
Big Bob is always right.
BIG BOB
Thats right.

18.
BOB
Teddy, what are you talking about?
TEDDY
Hes really been through some
stuff. You dont have that kind of
experience then emerge without
wisdom. They were just following
orders, Bob!
Bob furrows his brow and frowns, now a bit worried. Linda
grimaces. Kitty prances around the counter, happily PURRRING.
BIG BOB
(cheerfully)
Well, Im off.
LINDA
Thanks for watching the restaurant,
Big Bob.
BOB
Yes. Thanks Pop.
Big Bob exits, Bob leans hurriedly/excitedly in to Teddy.
BOB (CONTD)
Teddy. What happened? What did you
and Big Bob talk about while we
were away?
TEDDY
(stunned)
Im not at liberty to say.
But--

BOB

TEDDY
Revenge is rad-dish best served
cold... Rad-ish best served cold.
Teddy drops a bite from his burger. Kitty leaps and munches
it up with a long PUUUURRRRRR.
TEDDY (CONTD)
(delighted)
Hee hee hee. Look at him Bobby. I
think he likes me. Dont you little
guy?

19.
BOB
Look! Lin. He likes burgers! Its a
sign.
LINDA
A sign? A hungry Kitty likes meat?
Bobby...you dont believe in signs.
BOB
He looks like me right? I think I
should call him Junior.
Bob SNEEZES. Kitty SNEEZES.
LINDA
Ill go get you some drugs.
INT. DANGER COASTER OF DOOOOOOM - SIMULTANEOUS
CLOSE-UP on the Belcher Kids, as they come up and over the
arch of the coaster, Andy and Ollie behind them, all smiling
with glee, then open-mouthed and wide-eyed with surprise as
they WHOOSH! out of frame.
KIDS
Whoooooo-aaaaaaaaah!
A flash in the dark lights up a cemetery full of ghosts,
floating around the gravestones, descending from the darkness
above.
A flash lights up the Belcher Kids.
TINA
(surprised)
Aaah! Ghosts!
LOUISE
(unfazed)
Who hasnt seen a ghost?
GENE
(matter of fact)
Perhaps they have some unfinished
business.
A flash lights up Andy and Ollie.
ANDY
(helpfully)
Frustrated entrepreneurs!

20.
CLOSE-UP on Belcher Kids, as they come up and over the next
arch, Andy and Ollie behind them, all looking a bit more
trepidatious, hair rumpled, glancing side to side, then openmouthed and wide-eyed with surprise as they WHOOSH! out of
frame.
A flash in the dark lights up a city street with meandering,
GROANING, zombies, flesh peeling from bone, arms
outstretched, mouths falling open.
A flash lights up the Belcher Kids.
TINA
(harmonizing with zombie
groans)
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.
LOUISE
(unfazed)
Beat it, ya slow pokes. Youd never
catch me!
GENE
(cheering)
What do we want?!
ZOMBIES
Braaaaaaains.
GENE
When do we want them!
A flash lights up Andy and Ollie.
OLLIE
(helpfully)
A soon as possible to satisfy our
undead cravings!
CLOSE-UP on Belcher Kids, as they come up and over the next
arch, Andy and Ollie behind them, all looking more worried,
eyes drooping with exhaustion, gripping one another for
safety, then open-mouthed and wide-eyed with surprise as they
WHOOSH! out of frame.
A flash in the dark lights up the all the Kids, their faces
pulled back, wind-blown, terrified.
KIDS
Aaaaaaaaaguh!
A flash lights up Frankensteins Monster MOANING, flanked by
Dr. Frankenstein and Igor.

21.
On the Kids as the ride slows to a stop, Doc Brown hair, arms
limp, messy looking, like insane asylum escapees.
KIDS (CONTD)
(terror rising)
Aaaaaaaaaugh!
Stepping into the full light and removing his lab coat, Dr.
Frankenstein, brightens to reveal Mr. Frond.
MR. FROND
I was sharing some fun science at
the pep assembly.
Igor, steps into the full light, removing his hood and
standing up straight, brightening to reveal Mickey.
MICKEY
I was cold.
LOUISE
What?! This plan was fool-proof!
MR. FROND
When we realized that Gene was
missing.
LOUISE
How did you notice Gene was-GENE
I signed up to arm-fart The
National Anthem!
LOUISE
What?! Why didnt you tell me?
GENE
You didnt ask!
TINA
I bet you would have been
wonderful.
MR. FROND
I knew Gene never would have given
up an opportunity like this on his
own. When we realized Gene was
missing, I went looking for the
rest of you.
LOUISE
But how did you know we were here?

22.
ANDY
Mom says always tell someone where
youre going.
OLLIE
And use the buddy system!
Jimmy Pesto Jr. steps out from behind Mr. Frond.
LOUISE
(acerbic)
Jimmy Junior.
TINA
(nervous)
Oh, hello, Jimmy Junior. I-- You
could have come with us. I mean...I
could have sat in a car with you. I
was real scared.
GENE
You missed one hell of a ride!
JIMMY JUNIOR
Cmon, lets go home.
Andy and Ollie hop out of the car and follow their brother
out.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - KITCHEN - LATER
Bob cuddles Kitty to his chest, shows it around the kitchen.
Linda watches.
BOB
I cant wait to show the kids my
new little buddy.
LINDA
Their new little buddy.
BOB
Yeah, thats what I said Lin, their
new little buddy.
Linda exits into the dining room.
INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The Burger of the Day board behind Linda reads: PET ROQUEFORT
BURGER, (CHEESEBURGER, COMES WITH PEBBLE-ANO PEPPERS).

23.
The Belcher Kids enter the restaurant followed by a sternlooking Mr. Frond.
LINDA
Kids, whats going on here?
MR. FROND
They ditched school, thats what.
GENE
To experience the most creeptacular ride of the century!
LINDA
Kids? Is this true?
It is.

TINA

LOUISE
And we would have gotten away with
it too if it wasnt for you darn..
Bob emerges from the kitchen with Kitty hidden under his arm.
BOB
Kids! Guess what?!
LINDA
Thank you Mister Frond.
MR. FROND
But, I-- You need me to...there
should be some sort of disciplinary
plan.
Linda ushers him out the door.
I could--

MR. FROND (CONTD)

She closes the door on him.

LINDA
Im very disappointed in you, Kids.
TEDDY
Very disappointing.
LINDA
You ditched school...

24.
LOUISE
(exasperated)
It was a pep assembly.
TEDDY
Oh. It was only a pep assembly.
Teddy.
Sorry.

LINDA
TEDDY

LINDA
Your father got you a kitten.
LOUISE
You got us a kitten?!
Bob holds up Kitty.
GENE
Hes a PuuuuurT Renolyds.
TINA
But Dad, youre allergic.
BOB
Im on drugs.
LOUISE
Me too. Just kidding.
GENE
Im nostalgic for Studio Fiftyfour!
LINDA
But now, you kids are in trouble.
BOB
Yeah, youll have to be punished.
LINDA
So your fathers taking Kitty right
back to the shelter.
BOB
Yep. Im taking Kitty right back-Wait. What?! No, Lin--

25.
LINDA
(sternly)
Bobby. We are disciplining our
children here. As their parents.
Bob holds Kitty up to his face and looks mournfully into
Kittys eyes. CLOSE-UP on Bob, lip quivering. CLOSE-UP on
Kitty cocking its head curiously to one side. CLOSE-UP on
Bob tearing up. CLOSE-UP on Kitty, flattening its ears and
twitching its nose, whiskers quivering.
Bob puts Kitty back in the cardboard box.
Bob. No!

TEDDY

LINDA
Im sorry, Teddy.
But Mom!

LOUISE

LINDA
No buts. We did a nice thing for
you as a reward, for being good
kids.
TINA
And we proved you wrong.
GENE
Im so ashamed.
TINA
Was it worth it? Sorry, Kids, it
was a great ride.
Tina skulks off through the restaurant.
TINA (CONTD)
You dont have to tell me Mom, Im
going to my room.
Teddys lip quivers.
GENE
It was a great ride! And Id do it
again...but under less deceitful
circumstances.
Gene stomps off through the restaurant.

26.
GENE (CONTD)
Im going to my room. Where I can
perfect my Star Spangled arm-pit
technique!
Teddy looks at Linda, with pleading puppy-dog eyes. Bob looks
at Linda with pleading puppy-dog eyes.
LOUISE
Im sorry, Mother, it was all my
fault. Please dont punish the
others because I-LINDA
Oh-no. No way Missy. You can think
about what this cost everyone, from
your room too.
Linda nods her head at Bob and toward the door. Forlornly
dragging his feet, Bob walks with the boxed-up Kitty toward,
and out the door.
Louise puffs her chest up proudly and marches purposefully
off through the restaurant.
TEDDY
But Linda. Not Groucho Manx.
LINDA
(spent)
I know Teddy. I know.
EXT. BOBS BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER
Bob is walking with boxed-up Kitty down the street.
BOB
This wasnt my idea. I mean. I love
you too.
BOB (CONTD)
(as Kitty)
Why dont we run away together Bob.
Just take your car and drive off
into the sunset.
BOB (CONTD)
Believe me Kitty, Ive thought of
that. I...I never thought Id love
a kitty but youre...different.
Meob...meob, meob.

27.
BOB (CONTD)
I know the kids would love you too.
Meob...meob, meob.
BOB (CONTD)
Oh. Dont do that. Youre only
making it worse.
Bob, puts the box down and opens it up. Meob.
BOB (CONTD)
No! I wont lose you too!
Bob grabs Kitty from the box, leaves the box where it lays
and runs toward the house.
BOB (CONTD)
Kids! Kids your grounded!
He reaches the restaurant. The Kids stick their head out the
window and look down on Bob. Linda sticks her head out the
door.
Bob lifts Kitty up.
BOB (CONTD)
Sorry, Linda. Im not taking Kitty
back. Were grounding the kids and
Magnum Fee-Line is staying with us.
Linda looks at Bob with smiling adoration that flips
immediately to a scowl as she looks up at the kids in the
window.
LINDA
(yelling)
You hear that Kids, youre
grounded!
Linda looks at Bob with Kitty in his arms.
LINDA (CONTD)
Awwww. Magnum Fee-Line.
Meob.
END.