THE COMPOSITION OF ME

A LITERACY NARRATIVE

Its 11:52pm.
The only sound competing with the air conditioning vent is the clacking of the
computer keys underneath my fingertips. Swirls of smoke billow in the air, rising
from the forgotten cigarette resting in my ashtray. I stop typing, take a drag, and
chase down the taste with a swig of Dr. Pepper.
Its 11:55pm.
I read and re-read my concluding paragraph. I double-check my introduction
and make sure the two share the same sentiments. I often make new discoveries
and generate new ideas during my writing that sometimes stray from my original
thesis statement. I always write my introduction first...well, at least my thesis
statement. Ive been rehashing my thesis in my head for days now, choosing
wording, deciding order, and eliminating poor introductory sentences. Three concise
arguments that I will explore in a number of subsequent paragraphs, followed by a
reflective re-statement of my thesis in the conclusion.
Its 11:57pm.
After skimming my paper for typos and spelling mistakes (there arent many),
I attach the document to an email and send it off with the click of a button.
Its 11:59pm.
I made it. I light up my sixth cigarette and close the 428 tabs I have open in
Google Chrome (okay, hyperbolic but not far off!), reveling in my newfound
freedom.
Midnight strikes and I wonder how many of my other classmates have also
just submitted their final paper.

I often wonder how much of my development as a writer was from nature or

from nurture. I grew up in a very literate household; my mother, a teacher, taught
me to read and write from a young age. My father was a blue-collar worker but also
read a lot, and my older brothers enjoyed reading to me. Weekly library trips were
the norm and I challenged myself with a variety of books. I think it was my
voracious appetite for literature that contributed to my success as a writer.
My first real writing experiences came with the increasing popularity of the
internet and my totally ridiculous obsession with Hanson. Reading fanfiction
inspired me to write my own epic stories, filled with fantasies (not the X-rated kind)
of meeting and befriending the three Hanson brothers from Oklahoma. At the ripe
age of twelve, my stories were nothing short of terrible, but it was a creative outlet
for me.
More importantly, I started writing to express myself after a rash of tragic
events that happened during my middle school years. When I was eleven years old,
my mothers best friend (and second mom to me) passed away from cancer. I wrote
a narrative about the event for a class writing assignment, which was then
submitted for a speech contest that I won. Two years later, I lost my grandmother,
brother, and grandfather all within 5 months of each other. Obviously, my brothers
untimely death was the hardest of all; it left me very confused as I struggled to
navigate the grief of my parents in addition to my own grief. Not only did I journal
throughout the first few weeks, I composed a poem saying goodbye to my brother
and read it with a shaking voice at his funeral. My grandfathers death also inspired
me to write a poem that was published in the local newspaper. As I grappled with
grief and learning how to play the guitar, poetry easily turned into song lyrics, and I
found myself writing (or attempting to) songs. I think I found writing as a creative
outlet for my grief and confusion because I didnt want to burden others with my
thoughts and feelings. My parents already had enough to go through, and they
were just as clueless as how to properly grieve.
But mostly, I wrote for school. I enjoyed (and still do!) writing assignments
and the various challenges they pose. When given a prompt, I liked to think
creatively, completing assignments with notable or unusual topics. I have never
struggled in an English class, always receiving high marks for my writing. I dont
really recall any writing instruction in my elementary or even my middle school
years; high school was where most of my writing skills were honed.
My most notable teachers include my freshman Advanced English teacher,
who provided us with amazing opportunities to explore creative writing. She was the
first teacher to expose us to various forms of poetry -- from list-making to free verse
-- even compiling our best works into a end-of-the-year publication. My sophomore
AP English teacher was the most challenging; his red pen of doom colored my
papers with corrections and comments. It was under his tutelage that I was able to
elevate my writing skills. My senior year, I took dual-credit Advanced Composition

and English Literature with a teacher who really knew how to teach writing. It is
from her that I learned to flesh out my sentences, using vivid imagery and
figurative language to enhance my writing. She was probably the first person to
ever really tell me that I was a good writer, and not just in the academic sense; in
fact, she insisted I publish a childrens book I had written and illustrated in her class
(I never did).
As I ventured into college, two teachers stand out. The professor from my
Capstone course, an interdisciplinary class involving creative writing and theatre,
encouraged to be provoking and even scandalous with our writing. He pushed us to
find our most personal moments, even embarrassing ones, and to share them with
the class under a pseudonym. The anonymity of this class allowed for some intense
and rewarding non-fiction writing. The other professor was actually just a graduate
student teacher for Creative Writing Non-Fiction. She provided us ample
opportunities and venues for us to write, some more creatively difficult than others.
Some assignments were based on simple prompts, while others made us
incorporate technology or art into our writing. It was also my first time working with
peer-editing and conferencing, and I struggled with these tasks. For one, writing for
me is an extremely personal endeavor. Second, I rarely, if ever, revise my writing.
Third, my peers seemed hesitant to provide any real, constructive feedback other
than I really liked your paper. Reading my classmates assignments left me
disappointed with basic writing styles and clichd responses to prompts that
shouldve inspired more. However, the prompts and assignments given in this class
helped me develop my own voice.
My writing has been applauded by more than just my parents and teachers.
In 7th grade, I forgot to do a writing assignment focusing on the idea of racism. I
quickly wrote a simple, rhyming poem just before the class began. The poem ended
up winning me a $500 college scholarship and was featured at a Kansas City
museum. Similarly, a high school essay contest about Pioneering Women for the
Greater Kansas City area was selected for an award, and I recited my essay (written
about my mother) at a swanky awards ceremony. While living abroad in Korea, I
kept a high-traffic blog about my travels, adventures, and Korean life. From this
blog, I was invited to be a guest writer for the Korea Times where two of my
editorials were published. Nonetheless, I have never really thought of pursuing
writing as a career.
Part of me also thinks that writing is an art, and therefore one needs natural
talent. Writing has always come very naturally for me; most often, I write similar to
how I speak and think. I dont find much disconnect between writing and speaking.
My writing is reflective of the internal monologue or dialogue going on in my head,
and it is written with the idea that it will be read aloud (even if just in the head) of a
reader. This speaks to my borderline status as both an extrovert AND introvert. I
would definitely rather express myself through writing like introverts, but my style is
more closely aligned with the extroverts verbal language. I am often bewildered by
those who write poorly, and find it hard to understand how a fluent English speaker
with correct speech could struggle with putting those words onto paper. Ive often

wondered if students who struggle in writing but succeed in verbal usage would
benefit from a speech-to-text device. Obviously, spoken English varies greatly from
written English, but perhaps using speech-to-text as sort of a freewriting exercise
could be a great initial tool for writers who complain that they think faster than
they write. Or it could even take the form of recording natural speech and doing
dictation from the recording.
A true Thinking personality type, according to Myers-Briggs, I find it fairly
easy to organize and structure my information, but the organization often comes
after an initial word vomit that spills out onto unaware Word documents. In my
head, I visually chunk my paper into sections, and this correlates to my Judging
results from my Myers-Briggs test. I start with a thesis statement and chunk my
paper from there. Deadlines are not arbitrary to me. In fact, deadlines are the
essential key to getting my writing butt in gear. Ironically, procrastination seems to
be my muse, giving me the inspiration and motivation that I need to complete an
assignment. I guess it works because I am a highly anxious person who lives inside
my head; even though I may be typing the assignment a couple hours before the
deadline, I have brainstormed and planned my writing in my head for days,
sometimes weeks. By the time I sit down to write my paper, I have a general
outline in my minds eye and usually I have composed a few key sentences for each
idea. As a perfectionist, I need a set time in order to get writing done. If given all the
time in the world, I will over-think, over-analyze, and over-write until I have finally
lost sight of what was really important.
Which brings me to why I write. Or at least, why I started writing. While Id
love to say that I truly believe in social-constructivism for writing, I fall much more
to the Expressivist point of view. I believe that writing is incredibly personal, even if
it has an intended audience, and leaves the author incredibly vulnerable. The
vulnerability scares me, but also excites me. I always write for a specific audience,
but with no guarantee that the audience will read it, let alone like it. Writing for an
audience is innately social, but I believe that writing is first and foremost an
expression of individual truths. This seems contradictory since I tested as Thinking
and Judging in the Myers-Briggs test; the Thinking and Judging parts of me
find writing to be the best medium to express my feelings as it allows me to
organize my feelings, edit them, and make them more cohesive. Writing is where I
allow myself to be a Feeling person, but hiding behind a typeface on a piece of
paper.
When I write, I write to express my feelings and my ideas, often for catharsis.
Unfortunately, as a Thinker, my ideas and opinions can be blunt, divisive, or even
offensive, but I feel as though thats what writing is for: to get to the point and share
my ideas. It wasnt until I started writing for myself, as an adult, that I realized my
writing wasnt dotted with pretty pink bows and slimed in sweetness. Stubborn and
opinionated, I was initially surprised at negative reactions towards my writing.
Rejection letters from essay contests and scathing comments on my editorials were
taken personally and with indignation. I started to become hyper-aware of my
audience -- the people I expected to read my writing -- and learned to manipulate

my language in order to achieve my desired results. This does not mean I wrote
solely to please my audience; in fact, sometimes I did just the opposite, writing to
incite or divide my audience. Perhaps I use writing as a barrier of sorts, putting a
piece of paper or computer screen between my thoughts and the reader. While still
incredibly vulnerable, I feel less threatened with the distance writing provides as
opposed to speaking.
All of this, and I still struggle to call myself a writer. Ive never been paid
for my writing, nor do I claim it as a profession. In fact, I would go crazy if I ever
attempted to write for a living. My father held steadfast to the belief that I would
become a writer as I aged, a surprising idea considering he barred me from
majoring in theatre, my real passion, because of the lack of job opportunities. I
see writers as struggling artists much like actors, sacrificing a life of steady
paychecks for a creative calling.
Likewise, I see writing as a form of acting. Its not a far reach to assume
that any writing, from academic and formal to creative and informal, is really a
written performance. Writing is, first and foremost, a way to communicate to an
audience (assuming that you are writing for an audience, of course). In both written
and personal exchanges, we assume roles, whether consciously or not. The tone
of a formal research paper might closely mimic the spoken language you would use
in a formal job interview or legal proceeding. You are performing, whether as the
role of a competent graduate student defending his or her thesis or competent
prospective employee that would be a marvelous asset to the team.
Perhaps it is this mix of disciplines (writing, reading, acting, speaking) that
drew me to teaching. Not only did I have excellent English teachers that gave me
skills and encouragement, but teaching English is quite literally a hybrid of so many
disciplines that I love. While I may struggle to identify with struggling writing
students, hopefully I can demonstrate how to gain an appreciation for the power of
words and speech. I also want them to understand that they can use the power of
words and speech to share their unique and valid personal views. Too often, I think
students are discouraged from using their own original voice. In a world that
increasingly demands that students master MLA citations and proper format for
persuasive papers, I want students to be exposed to various writing mediums that
can be better used to express their individualism. I understand there are struggles
when it comes to writing strictly from an Expressivist point of view; how do you
grade someones personal story for authenticity, veracity, and style? How do you
tell students that their interpretation of a text is incorrect or misguided when you
believe that writing is an expression of individual truths? I recognize these struggles
and plan to grade mostly on a completion basis for creative writing assignments
such as a poetry, prose, Reader Response, etc. I also believe in helping students
achieve exemplary academic writing as well and will also include writing
assignments that are more black-and-white.
I am extremely lucky to have had the opportunities, teachers, and upbringing
that I did. I recognize that my students were not all offered the same opportunities.

I want students to be able to write well, whether it is for the world of academia or
for just themselves. I want them to see the powerful influence that language can
have on their lives. Therefore, I aspire to be the teacher in their lives who not only
taught them a five-paragraph persuasive essay, but inspired them to use their
language as a powerful tool no matter the audience.