(just your last name)

Marla Martin 1

Marla Martin
Instructor Rebecca Agosta
UWRT 1101-29
8 October 2015
COMMENTS: use i more to make it more personal

Staying Motivated in a World of Literacy (underline)

In a country full of opportunities at(maybe instead of at you could say around)
every corner it's hard to imagine an environment of(maybe instead of of you could say
with) less commotion. Our daily life consist of tedious traffic jammed car rides across
campus to class, to work, to our team practice, and back to the homelike feelings of
our cozy little dorms. What if I told you there's a place where college exists as a
education only community where young adults scurry back to their home full of family
relatives. Not only do we have the availability of a chipotle, starbucks, or holiday gas
station at every corner, but we have a sea full of enjoyments and distractions.
(^ Revise paragraph, focus on how you feel verses the general view)

I have been to this so called home away from home before. For my family this
is actually considered their home for the next three years. Over the summer of this past
year of 2015(might not want to say past year as it reffers to the year before, ex: 2014), I
was given the amazing opportunity to go overseas to Switzerland with my parents. (tell
something about how you were away from home so you can connect it to the next topic)
(agreed) Through the new work over seas my step-father was given, I got the chance to

go with(wording on this sentence). It was an astonishing experience as I took on the

amusement of the culture shock. The biggest obstacle to overcome was the language
barrier. Not only did the people of Switzerland speak Swiss, but many spoke a mix of
Swiss-German, French, and Italian(maybe include the difficulties, share an experience

Marla Martin 2
when you needed to communicate with someone but because of the barrier your point
was not getting across). (add in more details of what you saw and how you felt)
In the moment I felt like I was a world away from home, beginning to
feel the butterflies of homesickness wash over me. Nothing was the same as it is here
in the United States. Transportation was difficult, finding directions, exchanging
currency, ordering food, and just about everything else was a huge complication.
However, even though the culture differences were overwhelming, I obtained a
compelling amount of information that has given me a new perspective and I wouldn't
change that for the world.
(work on flow and organization from the first paragraph into the next. Relate the topics to each
other, maybe through the connection of both your mothers)(flow between going to switzerland
and then the devil wears prada)

With a walk like that of the Devil wears Prada, long slicked back blonde hair,
and an unstoppable composure of a champion, my step-mother owns it all. After her
daily routine of work from five in the morning till late afternoon, she never fails to to(to is
repeated) tell a detailed description of her day. With a solid eye contact, grammatically
profound sentences, and every i punctuated, Jill (who is jill? step mom?) makes for
good conversation. Knowing her since a child, I've always held a great respect for my
step mom. She has taught me how to pay attention to details, do my best work the first
time around, how to challenge the readings and acknowledge the most important points,
and how to emphasize seriousness and caring while having conversations.
Having two mothers is the most amazing, yet sometimes complicated thing. Ive
always held respect for both of them and have admired them for different talents, and
the most inspiring talent of Jill's is her ability to communicate with others(maybe break

Marla Martin 2
the sentence up into 2). I've always dreamed to be like her, she has the most composed
features and constructed sentences.(more detail of her features to paint a picture in the
readers minds?)Communication is what our world revolves around and to this day I
sometimes I struggle with conversation( maybe the starting for a new
paragraph since topics were switched). However, it takes motivation and hard work
to put yourself out there through well versed conversation. Remembering back through
middle school and highschool I was always nervous to speak in front of people whether
it be class speeches or team meetings. Jill would help me through homework and help
preparing for speeches and presentations. I remember being frustrated and eager when
Jill would walk me through the things that I didn't understand. As much as I hated the
feeling of being wrong and the hot pressure of a parent correcting your mistakes, I am
so thankful that I have parents who care enough to help. Jill was one of these amazing
parents and I thank her for all the wisdom of conversation she has given me.

Marla Martin 2

Writing about Experiences

*Write and Academic Memoir/Narrative
-Show that there are sponsors shaping your literacy (include one of the articles you've read)
-Describe the setting ( place/time where the story happens)
-Sensory detail
-What do you see?
-What do you hear?
-What do you smell?
-How and what do you feel?
-What do you taste?
Cover letter(first page before narrative beings)
-reflect on the writing of the draft, understand yourself as a writer
-For me to understand where you are coming from and where you want to go with this draft so
she can help challenge you
-what went well during the writing
-what challenged you
-one passage paragraph aspect you know you mean to keep
-one paragraph you might want to revise
-one question you have about the draft for her
(15 sentence long)

Marla Martin 2

As I began to develop my writing through this essay once I go the the middle end I was able to
reflect on my draft. Many things went well including that I got to jot down all my ideas