Rough Draft

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Academic Writing 310
Fall 2015 Athina Brox

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 07.56

Merknad [1]: You need the Running head
part of the header (in accordance with APA
conventions). Google CCC + APA paper to
find that resource we checked out in class.

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 07.57
Merknad [2]: Well? Why dont you have
one? L (Unless this is your titlein which
case, thatd be super-creative, but itd have
to be relevant to your project somehow)
Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.13

As a student studying business and entrepreneurship it is all about following and

pursuing my dreams, and I think that most of the students in Antioch is on the very same
path: following our dreams to get one step closer to our goals in life. Whether it is
becoming a psychologist, be a business consultant, develop yourself as a human or get
the job you always wanted. In school, love and life in general there are ups and downs,
and sometimes it is hard to get through our daily lives and we need that extra
motivational boost to get through it all. I once heard a saying that People say that

Merknad [3]: What is all about? Make

sure youre as precise as possible. Also, be
careful not to use overly casual language in
formal-ish papers. (Youre not doing that
yet, but I just wanted to pass that tidbit
along.)

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.14

Merknad [4]: Youre missing an
opportunity to use parallelism here, Athina:
-becoming a psychologist,
-be a business consultant,
-develop yourself as a human or
-get
By maintaining the same verb tense, your
readers job will be easier b/c theyll be able to
anticipate the pattern.

motivation doesnt last, well, neither does bathing, thats why we recommend it daily.

Also, youre missing your Oxford Comma. L

Therefor the natural choice for writing my final paper was to interview a mental-trainer!

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.16

Merknad [5]: I need more of a specific,
driving thesis statement, Athinamost/all
readers are going to be looking for it by the
end of the 1st (sometimes the 2nd) paragraph.

This summer the famous Norwegian author Erik Bertrand Larsen is launching his
book Hell Week in the US. Erik Bertrand Larssen is a former Marinejeger which is a
special soldier in the Norwegian military. He went through a tough time in the
Norwegian military, and there is one sentence from his officer/commander that he
remembers the best You are capable of so much more than you think! Bertrand
realized that you can train your mind and that you can be capable of doing anything you
want! Through Erik Bertrand Larsens books, TV shows and seminars he is teaching
people how you can achieve your dream and how to pursue your dreams. And he sure is
setting a good example for his audience: One of Bertrands own dreams were to launch

What, exactly, are you going to be arguing

here? And what specific points are you going
to use to make that case? What
genres/documents are you going to be
analyzing? What audience(s) are you/they
focusing on?

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.16

Merknad [6]: Save space. You already
told us his first and middle name. If you just
refer to him as Larssen, well be able to tell
who youre talking about.
Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.18
Merknad [7]: Careful not to overdo it with
emotion(!). Most research-based academic
writing pieces maintain some sense of
objectivitywriters need to let the
data/evidence speak for itself and, in effect,
bring about the emotional impact.

his book in the US. His book Helvetesuka / Hell week will soon be in stores in New
York, a big step from small Norway to all the way to US, - and he made it because he
followed his dreams and didnt give up, he also used a lot of cool moves to make
people interested in his writings. Self-develop books are one of the toughest genres to
reach through, it is the most competition in this genre, but as we now know: Bertrand is
not one to back down. He was 19 years old and he was about to go with special soldiers,
fallskjermjegere for his survival course in the military.
What did you feel like when going into the training, were you ready? Im
wondering. He tells me I was asking my self if I had taken water over my head, all the
other contestants seemed so robust. I was scared, really. He further on tells me how he

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.18

Merknad [8]: You already established
this. No need to tell me twice.
Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.20
Merknad [9]: Oooooo moves, huh?! Id
love to read about moves. What do you
mean by this?

Id like to see you slow down, take a step
back, and dig into Russells moves.

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.21

Merknad [10]: It might be a good idea to
provide a quick overview/description of
what genre Hell Week falls into. I think
the Intro would be a good spot for that.

I think its important to establish exactly
whats on the line as early as possible in
papers, that way your readers can
anticipate whats coming up later on.

was totally out of his own comforts one, doubting himself. But with the words -You are
capable of so much more than you think!- Bertrand made it through, and after his
military training he became a mental coach, helping people reach their highest goals, or
even help find meaning in some people's lives, where they couldnt find it themselves.
Dreams is important for us as people, and by dreaming in this case I dont talk
about dreaming at night in your sleep but the dreams you pursue when you are awake, a
dream of what you want to do and a wish, maybe a goal that you want to reach for.
Bertrand is the kind of person who wishes everybody had a dream or a vision that makes
you jump out of bed in the morning thinking, This is my purpose!
There is one story that Larsen often tells in his seminars, it is from his early
childhood. He states that he had a different kind of superhero when he was a little boy. He didnt care too much about superman, batman or any other heroes; his biggest hero
was his grandfather. His grandfather was a kind and a goodhearted man who always

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.22

Merknad [11]: Whats this paragraph
about? Whats the main focus? Why did
you choose to bunch these sentences up
together?

Whatever reason that is, Id like to see you
lay that out in the topic sentence.
Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.24
Merknad [12]: Did he actually say that?
Be careful not to inject too much of your
own voice in this (some is certainly OK!).
Convince me with your datayour
interview and artifacts. Use them as
evidence for your claims that support your
argument.

Right now, Im not really sure what youre
arguingthat is, what youre trying to
convince me of. (~~> Thesis statement)

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.24
Merknad [13]: Transition issue: whats the
specific link between sentence 1 and sentence
2? Whatever that is, considering putting it into
the start of sentence 2. (At the end of sentence
1 is another option.)

encouraged Bertrand. Bertrand always looked up to his grandfather, but one day he
started thinking about the stories from his grandfather and he questioned if he really was
happy with his life. Bertrand realized some years later that his grandfather was so sad
about his stories. In his books and his seminars he encourages everybody to make sure
that one day when we are laying on our deathbeds, we should be happy and proud of our
stories. We should make the most of this little time that we been giving on this earth, he
says. Thats why it is so important to live the life you want to.
There is no way we were put on this planet to just work 9-5 in a job that we hate,
counting down the hours to when your workday is over. You should get up in the

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.25

Merknad [14]: Can you back this up with
textual evidence? Help me see what you
mean.

morning with a smile on your face. -Whether it is about being the best version of
yourself, being a kick-ass teacher or to become a millionaire or own a non-profit even!
Goals are important to us! They give life meaning and when you have a goal it is easier to
make and find the path you want to walk in life.
It is no secret that there has been plenty of so called success advisors,
entrepreneurial minds that takes money for their courses and so on. Knowing your
audience is the key, what language do you use, who is your target and how do you use
rhetoric is some of the key elements when hitting nr one on a best-selling list. Bertrand
has cracked the code of reaching out to his audience. Here I offer my definition:

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.27

Merknad [15]: This is pretty fluffy,
Athina. I dont see how this is directly
related to your argument

The goal of a thesis-driven, research-based
argumentwhich is what this
assignment/genre isis to put forth as
much evidence/data as you can for your
argument.

Wheres your data?

rhetoric is what allows you to write (and speak) appropriately for a given situation, one
that is determined by the expectations of your audience, implied or acknowledged,
whether you are texting, writing a love letter, or bleeding a term paper. (Pg. 100)
How to stand out, how to get your readers hooked and to know your audience is the most
important when you want to be successful. When Bertrand wrote his book Hell week he

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.27

Merknad [16]: OK, greatthis is the data
I need. J I need a lot more of this!

had to think about his audience, who was he writing this to and how to hook them. First
of all making a real-life connection is a clever way to do it He starts his book
challenging his audience, drawing lines from his 7 day hell week to make your own 7 day
hell week, which is supposed to make you stronger. When writing a book like that,
making it relatable for your audience is so important. And as described in Finding
evidence, exxxx to the splaaaane aka explane more
Bertrand conducted interviews through many years coaching people his facts are
often updated and relevant. Bertrand talks about people we all have heard about and

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.28

Merknad [17]: Youve had 3-ish weeks to
work on this. This shouldnt be a rough
draft. This should be a complete, thorough,
this-is-the-best-work-I-have-at-this-
moment paper.

writes about Winston Churchill, supporting his evidences, as well as he talks about all
kinds of different people he met working in the field as a mental coach.
If you think about all the questions he asked his grandfather about his life was
even a research for his book years later! Bertrand claims there is one question that he has

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.29

Merknad [18]: OK, this sounds
interesting to me, but Im wondering: what
does this have to do with writing and
writers? How can you connect this back to
a larger argument?

been asking his whole life is it possible to change path? He claims that some people go
through life not using their biggest potential. And he also states that the answer to this
question is yes, it is possible, it is all about what thoughts you put in your backpack.
He is not only a famous author in Norway but he now owns a successful
company, where he and the other mental coaches in the company coach 1 on 1, in bigger
and smaller groups and their clients range from highly famous athletes, Microsoft
engineers as well as famous pop artists as you may notice, mental training is for
everyone. I asked Erik Bertrand Larssen what he thinks about the most when he writes
his books and seminars. He claims that it is definitely the real-life-stories that he has
conducted through working with many different people. Bertrand explains further on that
the best way to reach out to his clients is his one on one conversation, which he also

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.29

Merknad [19]: Worth mentioning earlier
on? Intro and/or thesis statement?


Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.30
Merknad [20]: Whats the connection
between mental training and
writing/communication? How does one
inform the other?

writes about on his web page. You must understand your audience and therefore I
understand that he speaks with them face to face to find out how he can help them. You
can't show too much emotion on an email basically. Maybe you can show your tone, but
Bertrand proclaims that it is better to talk to his clients directly. His favorite way to work

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.30

Merknad [21]: Can you find any evidence
for this in the data?

is his 1-1 approach, it was even a TV-show for this Bertrands Metode as we say in
Norway or Bertrands Method in English.
Bertrand uses what he conducts in his interviews with his clients when he writes
his books and speeches. It is very important to be persuasive when you have a big
audience you are talking to. I think this relates to our reading Finding Evidence, () saying
in PP. 395-409, To be most persuasive, evidence should match the time and place in
which you make your argument. For Bertrand it is always about being updated and
keeping his seminars relevant for what is happening now. By engaging his

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.30

Merknad [22]: Do you have evidence for
this?
Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.31
Merknad [23]: Page #s dont belong in
the body of the sentence. Remember our
APA lesson?

audience he is always updated.

Bertrand does so much more than just launching a book, Bertrand is writing to
help people change and reach their goals. It is so important to understand the people he
helps and that his self-developments books is so much more than just a genre in a
bookshelf. It is about real-life connections. And when he writes and holds his public
speeches he has to think about his moves, his way of speaking, what jargon and structure
he uses. His writing has a bigger meaning, with the purpose of helping people. The words
Bertrand chooses in his book awakens the reader's interest.
Bertrands books are really inspiring and it shows how much a small thing in your
text can do, after all he basically took his military commanders sentence and put it into a
move in his book and reached a large audience with those very words!

Zack De Piero 4.12.2015 08.32

Merknad [24]: So what are his moves?
Can you give them a name? And give me
direct textual evidence to support this
claim?