One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch.

When I asked her about it, s

he replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in
the car there's a clock on the dashboard."
Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time whe
n you're shopping?"
"That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then look at the time
printed on the sales receipt."
**********

About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to el
iminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
GREAT!
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top o
f the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
***********
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a p
ost card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could
you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't e
ven hold a pen."
"Certainly sir,' said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the c
ard for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I
can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could yo
u just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?
***************
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you ca
n't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
*****************
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident scene, an
d a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cru
iser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to al
ert other officers. "Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived,"
he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprise
d to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra Papa Ech
o Lima Lima."
**************
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.

George: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten y
ears ago.
Willy: Me!
Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Teacher:
Student:
Teacher:
Student:

Didn't you promise to behave?

Yes, sir.
And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Teacher:
Webster:
Teacher:
Webster:

Why are you late?

Because of the sign.
What sign?
The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Bob: I hope you didn't either.
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Mother:
Junior:
Mother:
Junior:

Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

Because of absence.
You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?

Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
**************
The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacat
ions. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell
the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went

to Ohio."
**************
Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at
the beginning of each semester. One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, neve
r used." The card was signed, "Must sell."
The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been us
ed?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exa
m."
***************
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I
noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that
a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45
years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gr
ay-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high sc
hool.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"In 1952."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
***********
When I decided to improve my computer skills, I threw myself into it with enthus
iasm. Every week I'd check out five or six instructional books from the library.
After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting kn
owledgeable by now."
"Thanks," I said. "How can you tell?"
The librarian explained, "Only two of the books you're checking out this week ha
ve For Dummies in their titles."
****************
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After expla
ining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose
I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

*************
On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What di
d you do at school today?"
The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".
Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well,
did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular co
lor?"
The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to scho
ol when you were a little boy?"
**************
On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What di
d you do at school today?"
The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".
Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well,
did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular co
lor?"
The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to scho
ol when you were a little boy?"
***************
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time,"
she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me ta
lk!"
************
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semeste
r dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his ch
air, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have le
arned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some stu
dents wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the
chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minut
e.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he c
ould have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer c
onsisted of two words:
"What chair?"
**************
No wonder English is so hard to learn:
1.We polish the Polish furniture.

2.He could lead if he would get the lead out.

3.A farm can produce produce.
4.The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
5.The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6.The present is a good time to present the present.
7.At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
8.The dove dove into the bushes.
9.I did not object to the object.
10.The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
11.The bandage was wound around the wound.
12.There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13.They were too close to the door to close it.
14.The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15.They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
16.To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17.The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18.After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19.I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
20.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22.I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt