Down the Drain

Award winning news coverage!

French knickers in a twist over rejection of

application to IPOC for 2018 site of Olympic
games
By Big Bob Kahuna
Ace Sports Reporter
The
International
Plumbing
Ol ympic
Committee has returned to
the French Plumbing
Olympic Committee their
application to have Paris
considered as a site for the
2018 Plumbing Olympiad.
According
to
a
spokesperson for IPOC,
the application is not
only incomplete, it is
missing entire sections of
the application, and parts
of the application are
i n c o h e r e n t ,
undecipherable and appear
to be written in no
language known to
mankind.
In a scathing rebuke to
the French Plumbing
Olympic Committee, the
IPOC spokesperson said
the application is
completely unacceptable
and cannot possibly be
considered in its current
form.
The IPOC spokesperson
added, however, that as a
courtesy the French have
been given additional time
to correct the application
and resubmit it.

A spokesmime for the

French
delegation,
speaking through a
translator, insisted the
application as submitted
meets all the requirements
of IPOC and that a
fraudulent application has
clearly been substituted
for the original, probably
by the Germans, who are
notorious for this type of
subterfuge!
The Germans deny the
allegation, pointing out
they did not and do not
have access to the French
application.
IPOC declared such a
substitution impossible
gi ven t he secu ri t y
measures taken to protect
all applications and have
said off the record that
the French have got their
knickers in a twist over
something that was easily
preventable.
In response, the
spokesmime for the
French said, We are
French! We do not wear
knickers! Whatever they
are!
IPOC rules prevent the
committee from releasing
the French application to

INSIDE
THIS ISSUE

TURN YOUR

SMART
PHONE INTO A
DUMB PHONE
THE LATEST
RETRO TREND!

IS SHAKESPEARES
SKULL REALLY
MISSING? WE
DONT THINK SO!
HERES WHY!

CLOWNS, CLOWNS,
CLOWNS! WHY
THEYRE
EVERYWHERE THIS
YEAR!

A spokesmime for the French Plumbing Olympic Committee

expresses his opinion of IPOCs decision to return the French
application for the 2018 Plumbing Olympiad.

the public or press, but no

such rule binds the French
Plumbing
Ol ympic
Committee, which has so
far declined to release the
application because it
contains sensitive and
proprietary information.
Whether or not the
French will resubmit their
application is not clear at
this time.
Maybe we will, maybe
we wont, said one
mem ber of French
Plumbing
Ol ympic
Committee.
Or maybe, he added,
Well seek a restraining

order forbidding the IPOC

selection committee to
make a decision until our
application is reconsidered
as it was originally
submitted.
Legal experts doubt,
however, the French will
take such a step because in
doing so their application
would be made public.
That could be very
embarrassing for them, a
law professor told Down
the Drain. They really
have no choice but to
resubmit their application
in the approved form.

DO DIAMONDS
CAUSE DEMENTIA?
WE
INVESTIGATE!

PLUS
ALL

THIS AND
MORE! RIGHT
HERE! RIGHT
NOW! IN THIS
MONTHS EDITION
OF DOWN THE
DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

Plumbing news from around the world

Fashion icon stuns at
New York Fashion
Show
New York World
famous fashion icon
Knuckles
OToole
stunned the fashion
community in New York
by introducing at the New
York Spring Fashion
Show this year a line of
plumbing wear designed
for use on Mars.
The modular outfits in
muted pastel colors were
taken to the runway by
this years modeling
sensation Jendall Kenner,
who deftly demonstrated
not only the flexibility of
the Mars suits but the ease
with which the tops and
bottoms could be mixed
and matched.
Lightweight helmets in
complimentary colors
were also shown, as were
accessories, among which

was a lightweight tote

big enough to carry all
the essential tools a
plumber needs and yet
small enough to not be
cumbersome.
OToole is reportedly
being flooded with calls
from NASA, the European
Space Agency, The Man

Will Never Fly Society,

and other interested
parties from around the
world.

Plumber attacked by
drone
Dover, England
Local plumber Bernard

Chalmondely reported last

month that while making a
routine service call he was
attacked by a small drone.
I was going from me
van to the front door of
the widow Mrs. Flints
cottage when this whirring
thing come out of the sky
Continued on page 2

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Volume 4 Issue 3 Whole Number 39

April 2016

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email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
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Down the Drain, April 2016

Page 2

Adventures, letters,
A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

Last
month: Chip is
confronted by many men
in black suits before being
escorted into the company
conference room.
I looked around and,
there on a side table was
an industrial-sized urn of
coffee and two plates
piled high with donuts,
bagels, coffee cakes and
other pastries. Obviously,
someone had known about
this gathering before hand
and had made the
appropriate arrangements.
I figured it was probably
Melanie because she was
the only one in the
company who could put
together something like
this on such short notice.
Since nobody was
headed toward the coffee
and donuts, I helped
myself and found a seat at
the conference table,
which is when I realized
there were four other
people in the room, two
men and two women,
none of whom I knew and
all of whom were dressed
in black suits and all of
whom looked very
serious.
I took a sip of coffee, bit
into a chocolate donut,
and looked up to see that I
was sitting directly across
from the Countess and the
State Department guy.
Against the wall behind
them were the four
unknown factotums, or at
least I guessed thats what
they were.
I slid a glance toward the
boss, who was sitting at
the head of the table, and
he just nodded at me, a sly
grin on his face. Never a
good sign, that grin.
Youre
probably
wondering why we called
you here, said Joseph
Hardy, looking straight at
me. Very sincere he was,
too, though I couldnt
believe hed just said that.
I didnt know what to
say, and after looking at
the boss again, whose
eyes were by now
narrowed to slits and
drilling into my head, I
decided not to say
anything.
I understand the
Countess asked for your
help last night, Hardy
said, And you didnt feel
you could help her.
Another sip of coffee.
It wasnt a question of
what I felt, I said. It was
a question of competence.
She asked me to find and
stop a leak of a nonplumbing nature. Im not
competent to do that. If
its a leak in a pipe or a
fitting or a fixture, I can
do that. But Thats
where I ran out of steam.
I understand how you
feel, Hardy said, giving
me his best diplomatic
smile.
But this isnt about that,
he said. Its about trust.
To be continued...

advice and more!

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
Now that the despicable
and
odious
Skoof
Whiffletree has been
revealed for what he is, a
true scoundrel who thinks
he is above the law, I ask
his supporters for their
vote in the upcoming
election to fill the soon to
be vacant office of
Senator Whats-his-name.
With a firm handshake,
the promise of a fair
shake, and the promise of
a beef cow in every pot, I
ask for everyones vote in
the next election.
Given my extensive
political experience and
my business acumen, I
truly believe I am the best
person to take the place of
Senator Whats-his-name.
Thank you.
Odum B. Gage,
candidate for the soon to
be vacant office of Senator
Whats-his-name,
Stovebolt, Nevada
To the Editor:
I do believe its time for
all Nevadans to rally
round the banner of
Brenda
Bee

Hofnerspitzel-Hoofnagle
(Thats me!) to be the next
senator to fill the soon to
be vacant seat of Senator
Whats-his-name.
We all know, men and
women alike, that a
woman is the best person
for this job, and that I am
particularly qualified for
this job, having raised
children, balanced a
budget, managed time
right down to the very
minute
on
many
occasions, not to mention
placating a husband who
is, as I write this, snoring
away on the sofa in the
living room after drinking
too many beers while
watching the football
game.
I know there are many
wom en who cou l d
probably fill the job of
Senator Whats his name,
but as I am the only one
actually running for the
job, I would sincerely
appreciate the support and
votes of everyone out
there reading this.
Brenda Bee
Hofnerspitzel-Hoofnagle,
Creosote Wells, Nevada

To the Editor:
Now I told you guys last
year right after that thing
happened to your office
that for a nominal fee I
could find the person or
persons responsible for
you, but you decided not
to use my services.
So it serves you right that
all these months later
youre still chasing the
Lovelace dame all over
the world even though
shes been hanging out in
a cheap motel room right
here in Vegas all this time.
So just because Im a
nice guy, I once again, for
a nominal fee, offer to tell
you exactly where she is.
Id bring her to you
myself in person, as it
were, but I am currently
involved in some highlevel, top secret stuff that
keeps me very busy and
wont allow me to be
away from my office right
now.
But you know where to
find me. Eh, eh, eh.
(Invoice attached for your
convenience.)
Vincent A. Lumbago,
Black Mountain, Nevada

Back by popular demand!

Ask Uncle Vlad!

Dear Uncle Vlad,
Do you think there will
ever be world peace?
Concerned About the
Future,
Henderson, Nevada
Dear Concerned about
the Future,
You Americans and your
idealistic questions! Ha,
ha, ha!
We, too, in Mother
Country want peace

around the world. But we

know such thing is not
possible until Mother
Country is allowed to take
its rightful place as leader
of nations.
As long as decadent
American capitalist
government and its puppet
allies stand in way of
Mother Country, peace
will not be possible, not
because Mother Country
is evil empire, as one of

your presidents said, but

because we are only
country in world with
strong enough military to
make peace wherever we
go.
This is challenge we
would gladly accept if
possible, but unless your
decadent
capitalist
government and its puppet
allies make way for
Mother Country, there
will always be conflict.

Continued from page 1

Plumbing news from around the world

and commenced to attack
me mobile phone which I
had stuffed in me shirt
pocket, Chalmondely
said.
I ducked and weaved
and tried to push the thing
away, but it just kept
coming and coming and
trying to get to me phone
in me pocket. I finally
managed to get me
hammer out of me tool
bag and get a good whack
at the thing and knock it
down on the ground where
it just kept on whirring
and flopping around.
Chalmondely added that
just about the time the
thing hit the ground, the
widow Mrs. Flint, who
seen what was goin on
from her parlor window,
came out and sprayed it
.real good and like with the
garden hose so the thing
finally stopped whirring
and flopping.
After Mrs. Flint
stomped on it real good
to make sure it was dead,
Chalmondely said, she

called 999 and the docs

came and fixed me cuts
and bruises.
The Dover police
constable who responded
to the scene of the incident
notified New Scotland
Yard which immediately
dispatched a detective to
gather the pieces of the
drone and take it back to
their lab for forensic
analysis.
Chalmondely proudly
reported that after the
Docs fixed me up real
good, I repaired the
dripping tap for the widow
Mrs. Flint, which is what I
was there for, and then
went about me way as
good as new.
A report later released by
New Scotland Yard was
heavily redacted, but
indicated that the drone
had been programmed to
attack any electronic
device that had Iggy
Azalea music on it.
When contacted after the
reports
release,
Chalmondely
told

investigators he had never

heard of Iggy Azalea, but
after listening to a few
seconds
of
the
Australians pop star
music on his phone,
Chalmondely said that
maybe his 12-year-old
granddaughter Birgit had
put the music on his phone
when her family came to
visit last weekend.
Sounds like the silly
stuff she listens to, he
said, though I still like
the Kinks meself.
Given the limited range
of the drone, New
Scotland Yard reported it
had to have been launched
locally or from a boat off
the coast of Dover.
New Scotland Yard also
pointed out that while it
may have been just some
lad perpetrating a prank,
the attack on Mr.
Chalmondely rises to the
level of a serious crime,
and when the perpetrator
is caught, he, or she, will
be prosecuted to the full
extent of the law.

The Birthday
Box
A special happy
birthday wish
goes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon
Plumbing to
Gus Plumber to
the Stars
Andler!

Now go
celebrate!
Yaaaaaay!

Investigation into
Down the Drain
offices vandalism
continues
By Marlow Archer
Crime Beat Reporter
A spokesperson for the
Special Task Force
investigating the break-in
and vandalism of Down
the Drains offices
announced last week that
law
enforcement
authorities are close to
capturing fugitive gossip
columnist Bella Donna
Lovelace, who is a person
of interest in the
vandalism of Down the
Drains offices last
August.
According to the task
force, they have tracked
Lovelace from Las Vegas
to Fiji to the Hindu Kush
and from there to
Bazookastan, where she
apparently left disguised
as a refugee and made her
way to Germany via
Greece.
The trail went cold in
Germany, but authorities
think Lovelace re-entered
the United States last
month in San Francisco
on a tramp steamer out of
Singapore.
She is now thought to be
back in Las Vegas.
Authorities think the
purpose of her travels was
to avoid questioning in the
break-in of Down the
Drains offices, but that
she was also gathering
gossip and rumors for an
expos she is planning to
publish on the online
website Leakileaks in an
attempt to reestablish her
journalistic credentials.
Lov el ac e s p re ci s e
whereabouts are unknown
at this time, but authorities
are confident they are
closing in on her.
Pentagon Plumbing is
proud to be certified by
the American
Certification Association
and its Family of
Companies

Down the Drain, April 2016

Page 3

The Really Important Stuff!

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps mum
Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Assistant Fact Checker Brian Williams
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton
Construction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto
Food Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace (current whereabouts still unknown)
History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus
International Affairs Correspondent Mac The Knife Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr.
Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly
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Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel
Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Office Manager Loosey Arnez
Receptionist Tiffany Whatevs
Complaint Department Wendy Whiner
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Down the Drain

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email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
My

My
My God,
God, its
its full
full of
of pink!
pink!